February 8, 2025 • 24 mins
What if your marriage feels more like captivity than companionship? Join us for a candid exploration of the concept of "married and captive," as we humorously yet thoughtfully draw parallels between marriage and Stockholm Syndrome. We navigate the often blurred lines between healthy compromise and psychological captivity in relationships, challenging listeners to reflect on whether subtle shifts in personal agency have left them feeling like an underpaid intern rather than an equal partner. You'll uncover the telltale signs of an imbalanced relationship, like unexplained resentment and losing your sense of self, and learn how to recognize these red flags as the first step toward reclaiming your individuality.
We invite you to question the dynamics of your marriage and ponder whether everyday compromises have silently eroded your personal freedom. Through engaging discussions, we emphasize the importance of maintaining personal agency within a relationship, ensuring that both voices matter and decisions are mutual. Marriage shouldn't feel like a corporate hierarchy; it should be a partnership where both individuals thrive. Tune in for practical tips on fostering healthier relationship dynamics, enhancing self-awareness, and prioritizing meaningful conversations with your spouse. Let's redefine what it means to be an equal partner and celebrate the individuality within marriage.
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Daniel Boyd (00:10):
married and captive .
The stockholm syndrome husbandand maybe wife.
If you think you're free butstill ask for permission to buy
a ps5, this one's for you.
Section one the hook, a playfulpremise.
All right, let's be real for asecond.
Some of you listening arehappily married.
(00:30):
You're in a solid, balancedpartnership.
You and your spouse makedecisions together, you
compromise, you communicate andeverything is fair and mutual.
This episode is not for you.
Feel free to stick around forthe laughs, but you're probably
in the clear.
Now.
Some of you, some of you mightbe in a different situation, you
(00:52):
might be married, but if youreally sit with it, if you
really think back to the guy orgirl you used to be, you might
realize that over the yearssomething has shifted slowly,
quietly.
Years, something has shiftedslowly, quietly, in ways you
never quite noticed until now.
You don't make decisionswithout checking in first.
(01:13):
You don't really have hobbiesanymore, just obligations.
You used to be spontaneous, butnow everything has to be
cleared, scheduled and approved.
Somewhere along the way youwent from being a man or woman
(01:33):
with choices to a man or womanwith a handler.
And before you get defensive,before you say, well, isn't that
just what marriage is?
I have a question When's thelast time you made a major
decision just for yourself,without having to think about it
or how it would be received?
If you can't remember, welcometo today's topic.
Married and Captive theStockholm Syndrome Husband and
(01:56):
Maybe Wife and I know whatyou're thinking, daniel isn't
Stockholm Syndrome.
What happens when someone getskidnapped, locked in a basement
and starts to sympathize withtheir captor?
And yeah, you're right.
But let's be honest,metaphorically speaking, is that
really so different from somemarriages?
(02:17):
I'm not saying you're chainedup in the basement, man, but if
you were, would you even realizeit at this point?
That's what we're getting intotoday Not to bash marriage, not
to say relationships aren'tworth it, but to explore a
question that some of you mightneed to sit with Are you a
willing participant in yourmarriage or have you been slowly
(02:39):
conditioned to accept asituation that, if you really
step back and look at it, mightnot be as mutual as you tell
yourself it is?
Buckle up, because today we'reasking the question are you a
Stockholm Syndrome husband orwife?
And if you're already shakingyour head and saying no, way,
that's ridiculous.
Maybe you need to listen themost.
(03:04):
Section 2, what is StockholmSyndrome?
Alright, before we startdiagnosing half the married men
and women in America, let'sactually define what Stockholm
Syndrome is.
Stockholm Syndrome, at its core, is when a hostage or someone
in a controlled, powerlesssituation starts identifying
with, sympathizing with and evendefending their captor.
(03:26):
It's a psychological survivalmechanism.
The mind says, well, I can'tescape this person, so maybe if
I align with them I'll be safer.
Over time the hostage startsforming a weird kind of an
emotional loyalty.
Now, if you're picturing ablindfolded bank teller, locked
in a vault with a gun to theirhead, that's the extreme version
(03:49):
.
But in the real world, stockholmSyndrome doesn't always look
like a hostage in a basement.
Sometimes it looks like a guyin Home Goods holding a
decorative pumpkin, saying yeah,babe, I love fall decor.
And sometimes it looks like awoman at a backyard barbecue
nervously laughing as herhusband tells a joke at her
expense, because she knows ifshe doesn't, the car ride home
(04:13):
won't be fun.
It looks like a wife saying, ohno, I don't mind, he just likes
things a certain way.
Or staying up late finishinghis laundry because he had a
long day and she doesn't want tonag.
And listen, am I saying everyman buying scented candles with
his wife is a hostage.
No, some of you genuinely lovea good vanilla bean scent.
(04:37):
But let's be real.
How many of you used to have anopinion, how many of you used
to make decisions for yourself,and how many of you, over the
years, just stopped?
Because here's the thingStockholm Syndrome doesn't
happen overnight.
It's gradual, a slow, creepingerosion of personal agency, and
(04:58):
it doesn't come from violence orexplicit threats.
It comes from guilt, obligation, the weight of expectations.
It's the little thoughts thatpile up over time.
They'd be mad if I did that.
It's just easier if I don't.
A good spouse is supposed tosacrifice, right?
Happy wife, happy life.
(05:19):
Right, compromise is healthy.
Submission is something else.
And if you can't even see theline between the two anymore,
then, brother or sister, wemight have a situation.
So let's talk about it up next.
The signs you might be astockholm syndrome, husband or
(05:41):
wife.
Section 3.
Signs you might be a StockholmSyndrome, husband.
All right, it's time for themoment of truth.
You might be thinking okay,maybe I've lost a little bit of
myself over the years, butthat's just what happens in
marriage.
Right and sure, some level ofchange is normal.
We all evolve in relationships.
(06:02):
But there's evolving togetherand then there's becoming a
domesticated house pet.
So let's do a little self-check.
If you find yourself nodding totoo many of these, you might
just be a Stockholm Syndromehusband or a Stockholm Syndrome
wife.
One you used to have hobbies.
Now you have chores.
(06:23):
Remember when your Saturdayswere for things you enjoyed,
maybe hitting the gym, playingguitar, going fishing Now?
Now you wake up to a honey-dolist that's longer than the
Geneva Convention.
And here's the kicker you don'teven fight it anymore.
You just accept that yourweekend belongs to errands.
(06:44):
And if you do push back, youget hit with you'd rather go
golfing than spend time with me.
Must be nice to have free time.
Wish I had some.
And so you sigh and off you goto Home Depot again.
Two you have to check firstbefore doing doing anything.
(07:04):
Listen, there's a differencebetween communicating with your
partner and asking permissionlike a kid who wants ice cream
before dinner.
If you can't make a basicdecision without running it by
your wife, dude, that's not apartnership.
That's management oversight.
That's not a partnership,that's management oversight.
Examples include buying a newpair of shoes, grabbing drinks
(07:28):
with the guys, getting a haircutthat isn't pre-approved.
If the thought of doingsomething for yourself makes you
feel like you're about to bescolded, you might have a
problem.
Three you defend things thatmake no logical sense.
If someone asks hey man, why doyou guys only take vacations to
see her family?
(07:48):
And your knee-jerk reaction isoh, I mean, my family doesn't
mind, it's just easier this way.
I actually love sitting aroundawkwardly while they talk about
people.
I don't know, you might want tosit with that.
Stockholm Syndrome husbandsdon't just comply, they justify
their captivity.
They convince themselves thatthis is the way it should be.
(08:14):
4.
Your friend suggests doingsomething and your first thought
is she'd never let me Pause,reflect, Cry.
If you hear yourself saying nah, man, she'd kill me if I did
that more than twice a week, youmight not be as free as you
think.
Again, partnership meansdiscussing big decisions
(08:36):
together, but if you feel likeyou have to ask a warden instead
of a wife every time you wantto step outside your normal
routine, well, it might be timeto break out a mirror and ask
yourself some hard questions.
5.
You're low-key, relieved whenshe's out of town.
This one might sting a little.
If your wife goes on a girlstrip and your soul exhales like
(09:01):
it's just been let off housearrest.
That's a sign.
Now, don't get me wrong,everyone enjoys a little time
alone.
But if you feel a sense ofrelief when she's gone, if you
suddenly feel free to do thingsyou normally wouldn't dare do
while she's home, like eatingfood, you like watching movies,
you enjoy playing music withoutjudgment existing, without being
(09:24):
scrutinized, then, buddy,you've been conditioned.
Now, if you've laughed at anyof these, you're probably fine.
A little bit of this is normal.
Every relationship has itscompromises.
But if you're sitting therestaring at the wall realizing
that every single one of thesehit a little too close to home,
(09:44):
well, might be time to askyourself some deeper questions.
Well, might be time to askyourself some deeper questions.
Up next, the fine line Healthypartnership versus Stockholm
Syndrome.
Because, yes, there is adifference.
All right, before some of youstart drafting divorce papers or
planning a prison break out ofyour marriage, let's pump the
(10:05):
brakes.
Not every guy in a committedrelationship is a Stockholm
Syndrome husband or StockholmSyndrome wife.
Remember this does go both ways.
There's a fine line between ahealthy partnership and being a
domesticated hostage, and it'simportant we break this down,
because the last thing I want isfor guys or women in good
marriages to start questioningthings that don't need to be
(10:26):
questioned.
So let's talk about that line.
Where does normal compromise endand psychological captivity
begin?
One in a healthy marriage,there's compromise.
In Stockholm Syndrome there'ssubmission.
Healthy relationship you andyour partner both make
sacrifices.
She gives a little, you give alittle.
(10:48):
Sometimes you go to herfavorite restaurant, sometimes
she goes to yours.
Stockholm marriage you only dowhat she wants.
Every decision caters to herpreferences.
Your wants Irrelevant.
The test If you said that's nottrue.
She lets me choose things allthe time, but then realize that
(11:09):
your last five choices were justdifferent variations of what
she already pre-approved, yeah.
Two in a healthy marriage, yourvoice matters.
In Stockholm Syndrome, it's anecho chamber.
Healthy relationship you cansay I don't agree with that
without feeling like you juststepped on a landmine.
(11:31):
Stockholm marriage If you voicea different opinion, it always
leads to an argument.
Over time you just stop voicingthem altogether.
The test If you've ever had thethought, it's just easier not
to bring it up.
Then guess what?
You've been trained.
Three In a healthy marriage,you make decisions together.
(11:54):
In Stockholm Syndrome, you waitfor approval.
Healthy relationship youdiscuss major decisions with
your partner because you respecteach other.
Stockholm marriage you don'tmake any decisions, even small
ones, without checking in firstbecause you fear the
consequences.
The test If you hesitate beforebuying a $20 item because
(12:17):
you're afraid of theconversation that might follow,
that's not a relationship,that's corporate governance.
4.
In a healthy marriage you feellike yourself In Stockholm
Syndrome.
You're just a supportingcharacter.
Healthy relationship you stillhave your own personality,
interests and sense of identity.
Stockholm marriage you don'teven know what you like anymore.
(12:41):
Your personality has slowlybeen replaced by whatever keeps
the peace.
The test If someone asks youwhat your favorite meal, movie
or weekend activity is and youinstinctively base your answer
on what your wife would approveof, you might need to reclaim
your soul, my guy.
So listen again.
(13:02):
Relationships requirecompromise.
That's just life.
But there's a differencebetween being a partner and
being absorbed into someoneelse's existence.
If you've been listening tothis and thinking shit, this is
me, don't panic.
There is a way back up.
(13:22):
Next, the quiet signs no onetalks about.
Because, yeah, the obvioussigns are easy to laugh at, but
some of the biggest red flagsaren't loud.
They're subtle, insidious andeasy to ignore until you realize
they've completely reshaped whoyou are.
Section five the quiet signs noone talks about.
(13:43):
All right, we've covered theobvious signs, the ones that
make you laugh but also makesyou a little uncomfortable.
But here's the thing StockholmSyndrome in marriage doesn't
always show up as blatantcontrol.
Sometimes it's quiet, sometimesit's internal, and these are
(14:04):
the ones people don't talk about, the ones that don't make it
onto the happy wife, happy lifememes.
So let's talk about them.
One you've slowly lost yoursense of self and you didn't
even notice.
You don't just compromise.
You've forgotten what youactually want.
You struggle to remember thelast time you made a decision
(14:26):
purely for yourself.
Your personality has shrunk tofit the mold of what keeps
things stable.
The test If someone asked hey,what's something you love that
has nothing to do with your wife, and you draw a blank, that's a
red flag.
Two you feel like an employeemore than a partner.
(14:47):
There's a difference betweensupporting your wife and working
for her.
You're always tasked withthings, but you rarely ask what
you want but rarely asked whatyou want.
Your relationship feels morelike a hierarchy than a
partnership.
The test If your daily thoughtsinclude what do I need to do to
(15:10):
keep her from being upset, youmight not be in a marriage, you
might be in an unpaid internship.
Three you feel a deep,unexplainable resentment, but
you also feel guilty about it.
You can't pinpoint why you feelfrustrated, but it's there.
When you do think about it, youimmediately shut it down with I
(15:32):
shouldn't feel this way.
She's a good person.
You never feel like you havepermission to have your emotions
, only to manage hers.
The test If you constantlysuppress irritation with I
should be grateful she does somuch, you might be gaslighting
yourself.
4.
You fear rocking the boat morethan you care about being honest
(15:56):
.
You don't speak your mindbecause it's not worth the
argument.
You don't speak your mindbecause it's not worth the
argument.
You avoid certain topics justto keep the peace.
You feel like honesty isn'tsafe in your relationship.
The test If you've ever had areal opinion on something but
(16:20):
changed it mid-conversationbecause you knew the fallout
wasn't worth it.
That's a problem.
Five You're tired, but you don'tknow why.
It's not physical exhaustion,it's mental.
You feel like you have to be onall the time making sure things
are okay.
You don't feel like you everget to relax fully, even at home
(16:41):
.
The test If you feel reliefwhen you're alone.
Not just I enjoy my space, butdeep, unburdened relief.
Your nervous system might betelling you something your mind
is ignoring.
Now listen, if one or two ofthese hit home, that's normal.
But if you found yourselfnodding at all of them, it might
be time to ask some seriousquestions.
Because, yeah, happy wife,happy life sounds cute, but not
(17:04):
if it means that you stopexisting in the process.
Up next, what to do if yourecognize yourself.
Because, if you just had therealization, because if you just
had the realization that youmight be living in a
metaphorical hostage situation,don't worry, there's a way back.
Section 6.
What to do if you recognizeyourself.
(17:24):
All right, so maybe thisepisode has hit a little too
close to home.
Maybe you started listening forthe laughs and now you're
staring at the floor realizingoh shit, and that's okay.
If you're having that moment ofself-awareness, you're already
ahead of most people, becausehere's the thing you are not
(17:46):
trapped, you are not powerlessand you do not have to keep
living like this.
But before you go flippingtables and demanding your
freedom, let's talk about theright way to navigate this.
Step one Identify what'sactually happening, take a step
back and assess your situationwithout defensiveness.
Ask yourself am I just in acommitted relationship with
(18:09):
normal compromises, or have Ilost my autonomy without
realizing it?
Do I avoid certain things outof love and respect or out of
fear?
This isn't about blame.
It's about clarity, becausebefore you can change anything,
you have to see it clearly.
Step two Start reclaiming smallpieces of yourself.
(18:30):
No, this doesn't mean runningoff to Vegas for a freedom
weekend.
This means reintroducingyourself to yourself.
Do something just for youwithout asking for permission.
Say no to something small andsee how it feels.
Make a decision, just one,without checking first.
(18:52):
It might feel weird at first,even uncomfortable.
That, my friend, is a sign ofjust how conditioned you've
become.
That, my friend, is a sign ofjust how conditioned you've
become.
The test If the idea of makinga decision without consulting
your wife makes you feel wrongor nervous, sit with that, ask
(19:15):
yourself why.
Step three Start having honestconversations.
If you're afraid to have anhonest talk with your wife about
your own needs, that's a bigred flag.
This doesn't mean starting afight, it means communicating.
Hey, I've been realizing I'velost a little bit of myself and
(19:38):
I want to start reconnectingwith the things that make me
feel like me.
I've noticed I always askbefore making any decisions, and
I don't think that's good foreither of us.
A healthy relationship will beopen to this, a controlling one,
not so much.
The test If you know thisconversation would end in anger,
(20:01):
manipulation or guilt tripping.
That's a sign.
Step four pay attention to theresponse.
If your wife is supportive andwants you to feel like yourself,
great.
If she gets defensive,dismisses it or tries to make
you feel guilty for evenbringing it up, that's a problem
.
You cannot fix this alone.
(20:27):
If your wife or husband isunwilling to acknowledge it, you
have a much bigger decision tomake.
Step 5.
Ask the hardest question Canthis be fixed?
If your relationship has justslipped into bad habits, it can
be fixed with communication anda shift in dynamics.
If it's deeply ingrained, ifshe sees your compliance as the
way things should be, you needto decide if you're okay with
(20:49):
that for the rest of your life,because here's the truth.
Some people don't want partners, they want control.
The test Ask yourself ifnothing changed, if things
stayed exactly like this for thenext 20 years, would I be okay
with that?
If the answer is no, then,brother, sister, it might be
(21:13):
time to reevaluate everything.
Look, I'm not saying run offand file for divorce.
I'm saying, if you've lostyourself, you owe it to yourself
to get yourself back, and ifthat shakes the foundation of
your marriage, maybe it's afoundation that needs to be
shaken Because, at the end ofthe day, your life isn't just
(21:33):
about keeping someone else happy.
Your happiness matters too.
Up next, the closing a laughand a gut punch.
Let's bring this home Section 7, the closing a laugh and a gut
punch.
So here we are, we've laughed,we've reflected.
(21:54):
Some of you have probablyshifted uncomfortably in your
seats more times than you'd liketo admit and maybe, just maybe,
you're starting to see things alittle differently and hey,
maybe you're totally fine.
Maybe you're just a man or awoman in a loving relationship
who willingly sacrifices a fewthings, because that's what a
partnership is.
(22:14):
Or maybe you've just realizedyou haven't made a truly
independent decision since Obamawas in office.
Either way, the important thingis this you deserve to exist as
a whole person, you deserve tohave preferences, you deserve to
have personal agency.
(22:34):
You deserve to be more thanjust an accessory to someone
else's happiness, because, atthe end of the day, to someone
else's happiness, because, atthe end of the day, marriage
should not feel like a lifelongcorporate job where the CEO is
your wife or husband and you'rethe underpaid intern.
It should feel like a team.
So if this episode has given youeven a tiny wake-up call, don't
(22:58):
just shrug it off.
Do something with it.
Start small, pay attention,have the conversations and, for
the love of god, if your firstinstinct is to ask your wife or
husband if you're allowed toapply any of this, bro, we need
to fucking talk.
Look again, if you laughed atthis episode, you're probably
good, but if you laughed andthen sat in silence, well, I
(23:24):
think you know what that means.
All right, that's it fortoday's episode.
If you enjoyed this and wantmore brutally honest, slightly
uncomfortable, but definitelythought-provoking conversations,
make sure to follow the podcast.
And if this episode made youquestion your entire marriage,
my bad, or maybe you're welcome.
Either way, I'll catch you inthe next one.
(23:47):
Thank you.
married and captive .
The stockholm syndrome husbandand maybe wife.
If you think you're free butstill ask for permission to buy
a ps5, this one's for you.
Section one the hook, a playfulpremise.
All right, let's be real for asecond.
Some of you listening arehappily married.
(00:30):
You're in a solid, balancedpartnership.
You and your spouse makedecisions together, you
compromise, you communicate andeverything is fair and mutual.
This episode is not for you.
Feel free to stick around forthe laughs, but you're probably
in the clear.
Now.
Some of you, some of you mightbe in a different situation, you
(00:52):
might be married, but if youreally sit with it, if you
really think back to the guy orgirl you used to be, you might
realize that over the yearssomething has shifted slowly,
quietly.
Years, something has shiftedslowly, quietly, in ways you
never quite noticed until now.
You don't make decisionswithout checking in first.
(01:13):
You don't really have hobbiesanymore, just obligations.
You used to be spontaneous, butnow everything has to be
cleared, scheduled and approved.
Somewhere along the way youwent from being a man or woman
(01:33):
with choices to a man or womanwith a handler.
And before you get defensive,before you say, well, isn't that
just what marriage is?
I have a question When's thelast time you made a major
decision just for yourself,without having to think about it
or how it would be received?
If you can't remember, welcometo today's topic.
Married and Captive theStockholm Syndrome Husband and
(01:56):
Maybe Wife and I know whatyou're thinking, daniel isn't
Stockholm Syndrome.
What happens when someone getskidnapped, locked in a basement
and starts to sympathize withtheir captor?
And yeah, you're right.
But let's be honest,metaphorically speaking, is that
really so different from somemarriages?
(02:17):
I'm not saying you're chainedup in the basement, man, but if
you were, would you even realizeit at this point?
That's what we're getting intotoday Not to bash marriage, not
to say relationships aren'tworth it, but to explore a
question that some of you mightneed to sit with Are you a
willing participant in yourmarriage or have you been slowly
(02:39):
conditioned to accept asituation that, if you really
step back and look at it, mightnot be as mutual as you tell
yourself it is?
Buckle up, because today we'reasking the question are you a
Stockholm Syndrome husband orwife?
And if you're already shakingyour head and saying no, way,
that's ridiculous.
Maybe you need to listen themost.
(03:04):
Section 2, what is StockholmSyndrome?
Alright, before we startdiagnosing half the married men
and women in America, let'sactually define what Stockholm
Syndrome is.
Stockholm Syndrome, at its core, is when a hostage or someone
in a controlled, powerlesssituation starts identifying
with, sympathizing with and evendefending their captor.
(03:26):
It's a psychological survivalmechanism.
The mind says, well, I can'tescape this person, so maybe if
I align with them I'll be safer.
Over time the hostage startsforming a weird kind of an
emotional loyalty.
Now, if you're picturing ablindfolded bank teller, locked
in a vault with a gun to theirhead, that's the extreme version
(03:49):
.
But in the real world, stockholmSyndrome doesn't always look
like a hostage in a basement.
Sometimes it looks like a guyin Home Goods holding a
decorative pumpkin, saying yeah,babe, I love fall decor.
And sometimes it looks like awoman at a backyard barbecue
nervously laughing as herhusband tells a joke at her
expense, because she knows ifshe doesn't, the car ride home
(04:13):
won't be fun.
It looks like a wife saying, ohno, I don't mind, he just likes
things a certain way.
Or staying up late finishinghis laundry because he had a
long day and she doesn't want tonag.
And listen, am I saying everyman buying scented candles with
his wife is a hostage.
No, some of you genuinely lovea good vanilla bean scent.
(04:37):
But let's be real.
How many of you used to have anopinion, how many of you used
to make decisions for yourself,and how many of you, over the
years, just stopped?
Because here's the thingStockholm Syndrome doesn't
happen overnight.
It's gradual, a slow, creepingerosion of personal agency, and
(04:58):
it doesn't come from violence orexplicit threats.
It comes from guilt, obligation, the weight of expectations.
It's the little thoughts thatpile up over time.
They'd be mad if I did that.
It's just easier if I don't.
A good spouse is supposed tosacrifice, right?
Happy wife, happy life.
(05:19):
Right, compromise is healthy.
Submission is something else.
And if you can't even see theline between the two anymore,
then, brother or sister, wemight have a situation.
So let's talk about it up next.
The signs you might be astockholm syndrome, husband or
(05:41):
wife.
Section 3.
Signs you might be a StockholmSyndrome, husband.
All right, it's time for themoment of truth.
You might be thinking okay,maybe I've lost a little bit of
myself over the years, butthat's just what happens in
marriage.
Right and sure, some level ofchange is normal.
We all evolve in relationships.
(06:02):
But there's evolving togetherand then there's becoming a
domesticated house pet.
So let's do a little self-check.
If you find yourself nodding totoo many of these, you might
just be a Stockholm Syndromehusband or a Stockholm Syndrome
wife.
One you used to have hobbies.
Now you have chores.
(06:23):
Remember when your Saturdayswere for things you enjoyed,
maybe hitting the gym, playingguitar, going fishing Now?
Now you wake up to a honey-dolist that's longer than the
Geneva Convention.
And here's the kicker you don'teven fight it anymore.
You just accept that yourweekend belongs to errands.
(06:44):
And if you do push back, youget hit with you'd rather go
golfing than spend time with me.
Must be nice to have free time.
Wish I had some.
And so you sigh and off you goto Home Depot again.
Two you have to check firstbefore doing doing anything.
(07:04):
Listen, there's a differencebetween communicating with your
partner and asking permissionlike a kid who wants ice cream
before dinner.
If you can't make a basicdecision without running it by
your wife, dude, that's not apartnership.
That's management oversight.
That's not a partnership,that's management oversight.
Examples include buying a newpair of shoes, grabbing drinks
(07:28):
with the guys, getting a haircutthat isn't pre-approved.
If the thought of doingsomething for yourself makes you
feel like you're about to bescolded, you might have a
problem.
Three you defend things thatmake no logical sense.
If someone asks hey man, why doyou guys only take vacations to
see her family?
(07:48):
And your knee-jerk reaction isoh, I mean, my family doesn't
mind, it's just easier this way.
I actually love sitting aroundawkwardly while they talk about
people.
I don't know, you might want tosit with that.
Stockholm Syndrome husbandsdon't just comply, they justify
their captivity.
They convince themselves thatthis is the way it should be.
(08:14):
4.
Your friend suggests doingsomething and your first thought
is she'd never let me Pause,reflect, Cry.
If you hear yourself saying nah, man, she'd kill me if I did
that more than twice a week, youmight not be as free as you
think.
Again, partnership meansdiscussing big decisions
(08:36):
together, but if you feel likeyou have to ask a warden instead
of a wife every time you wantto step outside your normal
routine, well, it might be timeto break out a mirror and ask
yourself some hard questions.
5.
You're low-key, relieved whenshe's out of town.
This one might sting a little.
If your wife goes on a girlstrip and your soul exhales like
(09:01):
it's just been let off housearrest.
That's a sign.
Now, don't get me wrong,everyone enjoys a little time
alone.
But if you feel a sense ofrelief when she's gone, if you
suddenly feel free to do thingsyou normally wouldn't dare do
while she's home, like eatingfood, you like watching movies,
you enjoy playing music withoutjudgment existing, without being
(09:24):
scrutinized, then, buddy,you've been conditioned.
Now, if you've laughed at anyof these, you're probably fine.
A little bit of this is normal.
Every relationship has itscompromises.
But if you're sitting therestaring at the wall realizing
that every single one of thesehit a little too close to home,
(09:44):
well, might be time to askyourself some deeper questions.
Well, might be time to askyourself some deeper questions.
Up next, the fine line Healthypartnership versus Stockholm
Syndrome.
Because, yes, there is adifference.
All right, before some of youstart drafting divorce papers or
planning a prison break out ofyour marriage, let's pump the
(10:05):
brakes.
Not every guy in a committedrelationship is a Stockholm
Syndrome husband or StockholmSyndrome wife.
Remember this does go both ways.
There's a fine line between ahealthy partnership and being a
domesticated hostage, and it'simportant we break this down,
because the last thing I want isfor guys or women in good
marriages to start questioningthings that don't need to be
(10:26):
questioned.
So let's talk about that line.
Where does normal compromise endand psychological captivity
begin?
One in a healthy marriage,there's compromise.
In Stockholm Syndrome there'ssubmission.
Healthy relationship you andyour partner both make
sacrifices.
She gives a little, you give alittle.
(10:48):
Sometimes you go to herfavorite restaurant, sometimes
she goes to yours.
Stockholm marriage you only dowhat she wants.
Every decision caters to herpreferences.
Your wants Irrelevant.
The test If you said that's nottrue.
She lets me choose things allthe time, but then realize that
(11:09):
your last five choices were justdifferent variations of what
she already pre-approved, yeah.
Two in a healthy marriage, yourvoice matters.
In Stockholm Syndrome, it's anecho chamber.
Healthy relationship you cansay I don't agree with that
without feeling like you juststepped on a landmine.
(11:31):
Stockholm marriage If you voicea different opinion, it always
leads to an argument.
Over time you just stop voicingthem altogether.
The test If you've ever had thethought, it's just easier not
to bring it up.
Then guess what?
You've been trained.
Three In a healthy marriage,you make decisions together.
(11:54):
In Stockholm Syndrome, you waitfor approval.
Healthy relationship youdiscuss major decisions with
your partner because you respecteach other.
Stockholm marriage you don'tmake any decisions, even small
ones, without checking in firstbecause you fear the
consequences.
The test If you hesitate beforebuying a $20 item because
(12:17):
you're afraid of theconversation that might follow,
that's not a relationship,that's corporate governance.
4.
In a healthy marriage you feellike yourself In Stockholm
Syndrome.
You're just a supportingcharacter.
Healthy relationship you stillhave your own personality,
interests and sense of identity.
Stockholm marriage you don'teven know what you like anymore.
(12:41):
Your personality has slowlybeen replaced by whatever keeps
the peace.
The test If someone asks youwhat your favorite meal, movie
or weekend activity is and youinstinctively base your answer
on what your wife would approveof, you might need to reclaim
your soul, my guy.
So listen again.
(13:02):
Relationships requirecompromise.
That's just life.
But there's a differencebetween being a partner and
being absorbed into someoneelse's existence.
If you've been listening tothis and thinking shit, this is
me, don't panic.
There is a way back up.
(13:22):
Next, the quiet signs no onetalks about.
Because, yeah, the obvioussigns are easy to laugh at, but
some of the biggest red flagsaren't loud.
They're subtle, insidious andeasy to ignore until you realize
they've completely reshaped whoyou are.
Section five the quiet signs noone talks about.
(13:43):
All right, we've covered theobvious signs, the ones that
make you laugh but also makesyou a little uncomfortable.
But here's the thing StockholmSyndrome in marriage doesn't
always show up as blatantcontrol.
Sometimes it's quiet, sometimesit's internal, and these are
(14:04):
the ones people don't talk about, the ones that don't make it
onto the happy wife, happy lifememes.
So let's talk about them.
One you've slowly lost yoursense of self and you didn't
even notice.
You don't just compromise.
You've forgotten what youactually want.
You struggle to remember thelast time you made a decision
(14:26):
purely for yourself.
Your personality has shrunk tofit the mold of what keeps
things stable.
The test If someone asked hey,what's something you love that
has nothing to do with your wife, and you draw a blank, that's a
red flag.
Two you feel like an employeemore than a partner.
(14:47):
There's a difference betweensupporting your wife and working
for her.
You're always tasked withthings, but you rarely ask what
you want but rarely asked whatyou want.
Your relationship feels morelike a hierarchy than a
partnership.
The test If your daily thoughtsinclude what do I need to do to
(15:10):
keep her from being upset, youmight not be in a marriage, you
might be in an unpaid internship.
Three you feel a deep,unexplainable resentment, but
you also feel guilty about it.
You can't pinpoint why you feelfrustrated, but it's there.
When you do think about it, youimmediately shut it down with I
(15:32):
shouldn't feel this way.
She's a good person.
You never feel like you havepermission to have your emotions
, only to manage hers.
The test If you constantlysuppress irritation with I
should be grateful she does somuch, you might be gaslighting
yourself.
4.
You fear rocking the boat morethan you care about being honest
(15:56):
.
You don't speak your mindbecause it's not worth the
argument.
You don't speak your mindbecause it's not worth the
argument.
You avoid certain topics justto keep the peace.
You feel like honesty isn'tsafe in your relationship.
The test If you've ever had areal opinion on something but
(16:20):
changed it mid-conversationbecause you knew the fallout
wasn't worth it.
That's a problem.
Five You're tired, but you don'tknow why.
It's not physical exhaustion,it's mental.
You feel like you have to be onall the time making sure things
are okay.
You don't feel like you everget to relax fully, even at home
(16:41):
.
The test If you feel reliefwhen you're alone.
Not just I enjoy my space, butdeep, unburdened relief.
Your nervous system might betelling you something your mind
is ignoring.
Now listen, if one or two ofthese hit home, that's normal.
But if you found yourselfnodding at all of them, it might
be time to ask some seriousquestions.
Because, yeah, happy wife,happy life sounds cute, but not
(17:04):
if it means that you stopexisting in the process.
Up next, what to do if yourecognize yourself.
Because, if you just had therealization, because if you just
had the realization that youmight be living in a
metaphorical hostage situation,don't worry, there's a way back.
Section 6.
What to do if you recognizeyourself.
(17:24):
All right, so maybe thisepisode has hit a little too
close to home.
Maybe you started listening forthe laughs and now you're
staring at the floor realizingoh shit, and that's okay.
If you're having that moment ofself-awareness, you're already
ahead of most people, becausehere's the thing you are not
(17:46):
trapped, you are not powerlessand you do not have to keep
living like this.
But before you go flippingtables and demanding your
freedom, let's talk about theright way to navigate this.
Step one Identify what'sactually happening, take a step
back and assess your situationwithout defensiveness.
Ask yourself am I just in acommitted relationship with
(18:09):
normal compromises, or have Ilost my autonomy without
realizing it?
Do I avoid certain things outof love and respect or out of
fear?
This isn't about blame.
It's about clarity, becausebefore you can change anything,
you have to see it clearly.
Step two Start reclaiming smallpieces of yourself.
(18:30):
No, this doesn't mean runningoff to Vegas for a freedom
weekend.
This means reintroducingyourself to yourself.
Do something just for youwithout asking for permission.
Say no to something small andsee how it feels.
Make a decision, just one,without checking first.
(18:52):
It might feel weird at first,even uncomfortable.
That, my friend, is a sign ofjust how conditioned you've
become.
That, my friend, is a sign ofjust how conditioned you've
become.
The test If the idea of makinga decision without consulting
your wife makes you feel wrongor nervous, sit with that, ask
(19:15):
yourself why.
Step three Start having honestconversations.
If you're afraid to have anhonest talk with your wife about
your own needs, that's a bigred flag.
This doesn't mean starting afight, it means communicating.
Hey, I've been realizing I'velost a little bit of myself and
(19:38):
I want to start reconnectingwith the things that make me
feel like me.
I've noticed I always askbefore making any decisions, and
I don't think that's good foreither of us.
A healthy relationship will beopen to this, a controlling one,
not so much.
The test If you know thisconversation would end in anger,
(20:01):
manipulation or guilt tripping.
That's a sign.
Step four pay attention to theresponse.
If your wife is supportive andwants you to feel like yourself,
great.
If she gets defensive,dismisses it or tries to make
you feel guilty for evenbringing it up, that's a problem
.
You cannot fix this alone.
(20:27):
If your wife or husband isunwilling to acknowledge it, you
have a much bigger decision tomake.
Step 5.
Ask the hardest question Canthis be fixed?
If your relationship has justslipped into bad habits, it can
be fixed with communication anda shift in dynamics.
If it's deeply ingrained, ifshe sees your compliance as the
way things should be, you needto decide if you're okay with
(20:49):
that for the rest of your life,because here's the truth.
Some people don't want partners, they want control.
The test Ask yourself ifnothing changed, if things
stayed exactly like this for thenext 20 years, would I be okay
with that?
If the answer is no, then,brother, sister, it might be
(21:13):
time to reevaluate everything.
Look, I'm not saying run offand file for divorce.
I'm saying, if you've lostyourself, you owe it to yourself
to get yourself back, and ifthat shakes the foundation of
your marriage, maybe it's afoundation that needs to be
shaken Because, at the end ofthe day, your life isn't just
(21:33):
about keeping someone else happy.
Your happiness matters too.
Up next, the closing a laughand a gut punch.
Let's bring this home Section 7, the closing a laugh and a gut
punch.
So here we are, we've laughed,we've reflected.
(21:54):
Some of you have probablyshifted uncomfortably in your
seats more times than you'd liketo admit and maybe, just maybe,
you're starting to see things alittle differently and hey,
maybe you're totally fine.
Maybe you're just a man or awoman in a loving relationship
who willingly sacrifices a fewthings, because that's what a
partnership is.
(22:14):
Or maybe you've just realizedyou haven't made a truly
independent decision since Obamawas in office.
Either way, the important thingis this you deserve to exist as
a whole person, you deserve tohave preferences, you deserve to
have personal agency.
(22:34):
You deserve to be more thanjust an accessory to someone
else's happiness, because, atthe end of the day, to someone
else's happiness, because, atthe end of the day, marriage
should not feel like a lifelongcorporate job where the CEO is
your wife or husband and you'rethe underpaid intern.
It should feel like a team.
So if this episode has given youeven a tiny wake-up call, don't
(22:58):
just shrug it off.
Do something with it.
Start small, pay attention,have the conversations and, for
the love of god, if your firstinstinct is to ask your wife or
husband if you're allowed toapply any of this, bro, we need
to fucking talk.
Look again, if you laughed atthis episode, you're probably
good, but if you laughed andthen sat in silence, well, I
(23:24):
think you know what that means.
All right, that's it fortoday's episode.
If you enjoyed this and wantmore brutally honest, slightly
uncomfortable, but definitelythought-provoking conversations,
make sure to follow the podcast.
And if this episode made youquestion your entire marriage,
my bad, or maybe you're welcome.
Either way, I'll catch you inthe next one.
(23:47):
Thank you.
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