February 28, 2025 • 14 mins
Connecting in today’s social climate can feel like navigating a minefield, especially for those trying to understand the complexities of modern dating. We explore the struggles that accompany traditional approaches to romance as societal norms shift dramatically. The focus centers on men who now find themselves apprehensive to initiate conversations or express interest, fearing miscommunication might lead to being unfairly labeled. Empowering discussions dissect the concept of public shame, addressing how social media amplifies fears of invalidation in dating contexts.
Listeners are invited to reflect on the real-life implications of these shifts and consider how fear affects both men's and women's willingness to connect. What does it mean when the desire for genuine connection is overshadowed by anxiety? We also unpack the psychological frameworks that contribute to these dynamics, particularly the compelling insights offered by Spiral Dynamics, helping listeners understand the deeper layers of interaction.
This episode encourages an open dialogue, pushing against the boundaries that keep people disconnected. It’s an invitation to rethink the ways we engage with one another and take steps toward a more empathetic and understanding approach to relationships. Join us for an insightful exploration that aims to rekindle the essence of human connection beyond the barriers of judgment and fear. Share your experiences and engage in this vital conversation!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Imagine, if you will.
You're at the gym, focused onyour workout, when a random guy
walks by and calls you easy, notin a playful way, but in a way
that immediately makes yourstomach drop.
Immediately makes your stomachdrop.
You weren't doing anythingsuggestive, but now you feel
exposed, like someone justdecided who you are without
knowing a thing about you.
(00:30):
Or imagine you're giving apresentation at work.
You've put in the effort, youknow your material and you're
proud of what you prepared, butinstead of engaging with your
ideas, someone dismisses youwith you're probably just here
because of how you look, nomatter what you say.
After that, the label sticks.
Now imagine that happening overand over again.
(00:53):
Imagine that every time youintroduce yourself, asked a
question or just existed nearthe wrong person at the wrong
time, you risked being publiclyshamed.
How long before you juststopped trying.
How long before you decided itwasn't worth the effort.
That's what it feels like for aman to be called a creep.
(01:14):
It's not just rejection, it'scharacter assassination.
For decades, men were expectedto approach, take risks and put
themselves out there.
And yeah, for a long time,society rewarded them for that.
But today the rules havechanged.
One misread signal, one awkwardinteraction, and they can be
(01:36):
mocked, filmed or accused ofmaking someone feel
uncomfortable, even if they didnothing wrong.
Suddenly you're a meme, apunchline, a cautionary tale.
Social media is full of womenridiculing men for simply saying
hello, calling them desperate,weird or even predatory.
Others outright declare thatthey don't want anything to do
(02:00):
with men at all.
The message is loud and clearDon't talk to us, don't look at
us, don't even think aboutapproaching us unless you're
someone we already findattractive.
And so men adapt, they stopapproaching, they assume
rejection before they even try.
They choose not to play a gamewhere the rules keep changing,
(02:24):
where the cost of failure ispublic humiliation.
And now women are starting tonotice.
Because what happens when theattention that's always been
there isn't?
What happens when good men stoptrying, not because they don't
want connection, but becausethey've learned that even a
respectful attempt can get themlabeled as a problem?
(02:47):
Now flip it again.
Imagine you're single andlooking, but no one ever
approaches you, ever.
The men who do glance your wayquickly avert their eyes, they
don't start conversations, theydon't flirt, they don't even
give you a chance to reject them.
You wonder is there somethingwrong with me?
But no, turns out, a lot ofthese guys aren't approaching
(03:10):
anyone, not because they don'twant to, but because they've
been taught that it's not worththe risk.
This is where we are today.
Most men don't fear rejection.
We've learned from puberty thatrejection is a part of life.
What they fear is beingmisjudged.
They fear that a normal,respectful attempt at
(03:32):
conversation could get themlabeled as a creep and in a
world where that label can ruina reputation, career or social
standing, they've decided it'ssafer to say nothing at all.
They've decided it's safer tosay nothing at all.
So if you're wondering why menaren't approaching, it's not
because they've lost interest.
It's because they've learnedthat even a polite attempt can
(03:55):
be turned into a punchline, aTikTok video or an accusation.
But here's the bigger questionhas the damage already been done
?
The truth is there are rational,critically thinking men and
women who see this problem,people who actually want to
bridge the gap, who see thedisconnect, feel the loss of
(04:16):
real connection and genuinelywant to bring back a world where
men and women aren't looked atin this weird, self-perpetuating
standoff, but as a whole.
Men as a group are adjustingFast, mind-bogglingly fast,
certainly faster than women as agroup are.
They're evolving past the ideathat they should approach at all
(04:39):
.
They're watching women who havespent their entire lives
accustomed to attention suddenlyfinding it withdrawn.
Instead of both sides askinghow did we get here, there's
just frustration Because, let'sbe honest, this isn't just about
women rejecting men.
It's also about how men haveenabled, lied to and
(05:00):
pedestalized behaviors that havenothing to do with real
connection.
It's about how people, insteadof reflecting, are digging in
deeper, retreating into theirtribes and reinforcing the idea
that the other side is theproblem.
And that's the real tragedy,because this isn't just a shift
in dating culture.
Real tragedy Because this isn'tjust a shift in dating culture,
(05:24):
it's full-blown tribalism.
One group declared all men arecreeps.
Another declares all women aredelusional.
And instead of anyone steppingback and seeing the bigger
picture, they just keep feedinginto the cycle the my truth
versus reality problem.
A huge part of this mess comesfrom people mistaking their
truth for the truth.
(05:44):
Yes, your personal experiencesshape how you see the world, but
they don't define reality.
Just because a woman feels likeevery man who approaches her is
creepy doesn't mean all men arecreeps.
Just because a man feels likeevery woman is cold and
rejecting doesn't mean all menare creeps.
Just because a man feels likeevery woman is cold and
rejecting doesn't mean all womenare like that.
When we start prioritizingfeelings over objective reality,
(06:08):
we lose the ability to actuallyfix things, because reality
doesn't care about anyone'spersonal truth.
It only responds to actions andconsequences.
And right now the consequencesof this standoff is that both
sides are becoming more bitter,more resentful and more
disconnected than ever.
And if we don't step back andstart looking at patterns, this
(06:31):
only gets worse from here.
The personal side.
Why this is more than justtheory.
I don't say any of this as somedetached observer.
I say this as someone who'slived through it.
I've gone through my own redpill rage phase.
I've had moments where I wasbitter, where I blamed women,
(06:51):
where I let my frustrationoverride my ability to see the
full picture.
But I also know my ownexperience is not the universal
truth.
I wasn't raised in a normalhousehold, at least not by
today's standards.
My parents weren't like most.
They gave me perspectives mostpeople don't get, and yet even
(07:11):
they who did their absolute best, have regrets.
And I've had my own regrets too.
I've been with a woman who toldme I could be fully honest with
her that I didn't have toexplain myself, that I could
just be, and then used every bitof that against me.
And I still can't be angry withher, because I see how broken
(07:33):
she is.
I see how she's just anotherlost human being, trying to swim
ahead of the tide.
I see how her self-protectiveinstincts the ones that turned
her into the person she is arethe result of being hurt again
and again.
And that's the real kicker,isn't it?
She wasn't born that way, shedidn't have to be that way, but
(07:55):
she woke up every single day andchose it.
And I can't save someone fromthemselves.
No matter how hard I try, nomatter how much knowledge I have
, no matter how much education Ihave, no matter how much I love
someone, no matter how muchtime I have, no matter how much
I can put my effort into someoneelse, I can't save them from
(08:16):
themselves.
And you don't have to believeme, but if you looked back at my
Facebook page, you would know Itried.
So here's the part where peopleget mad.
Look, I already know what somepeople will say about this.
This is just men being fragile.
This is just women not wantingto lower their standards.
(08:38):
If you can't handle rejection,stay single.
Women don't owe men anything.
Men don't owe women anything,and you know what?
I just don't care, because thepeople who get angry in this
conversation don't want to fixanything.
They need the gender war, theyneed to blame the other side and
(08:59):
they have to live withthemselves.
But for those of us who actuallywant connection, understanding
and something real, we step back, we look at the patterns, we
acknowledge our owncontributions to the mess and
then we rise above it.
The yellow level takeaway.
The only way out is through.
(09:21):
Look, I've talked about spiraldynamics before.
I've written a bunch of podcastepisodes that I have not
recorded, and so I'm not sureoff the top of my head if I did
record any episodes about spiraldynamics, but it is a brilliant
framework and way to look atthe world and people's evolution
(09:42):
and where they are at, andfigure out where they are and
how to communicate to them andwith them on that level.
For example, I really do lovetapping into the red side of
myself, say, if I'm with a womanwho's a body builder or
something like that, or if I'mtraining in martial arts Muay
(10:03):
Thai, krav Maga Sistema,anything like that.
I do love tapping into thatside of myself.
It speaks to that, probablyfrom the military days, I would
imagine.
But I definitely have that sideof myself for sure, and I do
thrive in that environment.
But at the end of the day, yougot to evolve, you got to keep
moving forward and these days Iidentify more with yellow.
(10:25):
Yellow is the first stage whereyou can integrate everything
else, where you can seeeverything, where you can truly
understand where other peopleare coming from.
Because here's the deal no onecan skip any stages.
We all go through them.
Some of us go through themslower than others.
Some of us get stuck in certainstages.
Like just being realistic withmyself, I'm probably stuck at
yellow.
(10:46):
I'll probably never make it toteal.
That doesn't mean I'm not goingto try, but on some level I
feel like yellow is the firststage where you can speak to
everyone and understand all thedifferent stages they're in,
where teal is almost like aBuddhist monk really.
So I really don't know if Iever want to get to teal,
(11:10):
because that means I really Ifeel like at yellow.
If you're yellow, you canconnect with people on a level
that a teal simply would not beable to connect with people on.
So I get that, it's all youknow.
Yellow and teal are bothintegrative and I get that.
But I want to keep trying.
I want to keep trying toconnect with people.
(11:31):
I don't want to rise aboveeveryone to a point that, at
teal, I just wouldn't be able tobe of the world.
You know, I already feel likeI'm not.
I already feel like I'm in theworld and not of it.
I don't want to completely feellike I'm just above the world.
That would be a very lonelyplace, I think really, and
(12:00):
that's where, you know, thetribalism comes into play.
But anyways, that being said so,if you're not familiar with
spiral dynamics, I highlyrecommend looking into it.
It's one of the best modelsI've found for understanding why
people think the way they doand why certain conversations
always seem to hit a wall.
I've talked about it before andI probably have episodes I
(12:22):
should record about it, but, inshort, it's a way of looking at
human development that explainswhy people get stuck in certain
worldviews, why they resistchange and why some can step
back and see the whole system,while others are trapped in
their own narratives.
Understanding it has changedthe way I approach these
conversations and if thisepisode resonates with you, it
(12:44):
might do the same for you.
But anyway, back off thetangent.
So if you're stuck in blue, youdemand rules.
If you're in orange, youoptimize for success.
If you're in green, you rejecthierarchy and push for equality.
But if you're in yellow, yousee the whole board.
(13:04):
You see that people are trappedin perspectives they can't
escape.
You see that both men and womenare reacting instead of
responding.
You see that this problem isn'tabout one gender or one sex
versus another gender or sex.
It's about a system that keepsus disconnected and convinced.
We can't trust each other.
(13:27):
And if you're truly at yellow,you stop blaming, you stop
resenting, you stop lettingother people's reactions define
your reality, because the truthis, connection isn't dead.
It's just buried under layersof defensiveness, fear and
resentment.
The only question left is who'sactually willing to dig it back
(13:51):
up?
Final thoughts Look, this isreal, this is raw and this is
going to hit home.
For the people who need it.
It may also get some pushback,that's fine.
The people, the people who needit.
It may also get some pushback,that's fine.
The people who matter will hearit.
And the people who don't?
Well, they were really neverpart of the audience.
(14:12):
Anyway, have a great day, thankyou.
Imagine, if you will.
You're at the gym, focused onyour workout, when a random guy
walks by and calls you easy, notin a playful way, but in a way
that immediately makes yourstomach drop.
Immediately makes your stomachdrop.
You weren't doing anythingsuggestive, but now you feel
exposed, like someone justdecided who you are without
knowing a thing about you.
(00:30):
Or imagine you're giving apresentation at work.
You've put in the effort, youknow your material and you're
proud of what you prepared, butinstead of engaging with your
ideas, someone dismisses youwith you're probably just here
because of how you look, nomatter what you say.
After that, the label sticks.
Now imagine that happening overand over again.
(00:53):
Imagine that every time youintroduce yourself, asked a
question or just existed nearthe wrong person at the wrong
time, you risked being publiclyshamed.
How long before you juststopped trying.
How long before you decided itwasn't worth the effort.
That's what it feels like for aman to be called a creep.
(01:14):
It's not just rejection, it'scharacter assassination.
For decades, men were expectedto approach, take risks and put
themselves out there.
And yeah, for a long time,society rewarded them for that.
But today the rules havechanged.
One misread signal, one awkwardinteraction, and they can be
(01:36):
mocked, filmed or accused ofmaking someone feel
uncomfortable, even if they didnothing wrong.
Suddenly you're a meme, apunchline, a cautionary tale.
Social media is full of womenridiculing men for simply saying
hello, calling them desperate,weird or even predatory.
Others outright declare thatthey don't want anything to do
(02:00):
with men at all.
The message is loud and clearDon't talk to us, don't look at
us, don't even think aboutapproaching us unless you're
someone we already findattractive.
And so men adapt, they stopapproaching, they assume
rejection before they even try.
They choose not to play a gamewhere the rules keep changing,
(02:24):
where the cost of failure ispublic humiliation.
And now women are starting tonotice.
Because what happens when theattention that's always been
there isn't?
What happens when good men stoptrying, not because they don't
want connection, but becausethey've learned that even a
respectful attempt can get themlabeled as a problem?
(02:47):
Now flip it again.
Imagine you're single andlooking, but no one ever
approaches you, ever.
The men who do glance your wayquickly avert their eyes, they
don't start conversations, theydon't flirt, they don't even
give you a chance to reject them.
You wonder is there somethingwrong with me?
But no, turns out, a lot ofthese guys aren't approaching
(03:10):
anyone, not because they don'twant to, but because they've
been taught that it's not worththe risk.
This is where we are today.
Most men don't fear rejection.
We've learned from puberty thatrejection is a part of life.
What they fear is beingmisjudged.
They fear that a normal,respectful attempt at
(03:32):
conversation could get themlabeled as a creep and in a
world where that label can ruina reputation, career or social
standing, they've decided it'ssafer to say nothing at all.
They've decided it's safer tosay nothing at all.
So if you're wondering why menaren't approaching, it's not
because they've lost interest.
It's because they've learnedthat even a polite attempt can
(03:55):
be turned into a punchline, aTikTok video or an accusation.
But here's the bigger questionhas the damage already been done
?
The truth is there are rational,critically thinking men and
women who see this problem,people who actually want to
bridge the gap, who see thedisconnect, feel the loss of
(04:16):
real connection and genuinelywant to bring back a world where
men and women aren't looked atin this weird, self-perpetuating
standoff, but as a whole.
Men as a group are adjustingFast, mind-bogglingly fast,
certainly faster than women as agroup are.
They're evolving past the ideathat they should approach at all
(04:39):
.
They're watching women who havespent their entire lives
accustomed to attention suddenlyfinding it withdrawn.
Instead of both sides askinghow did we get here, there's
just frustration Because, let'sbe honest, this isn't just about
women rejecting men.
It's also about how men haveenabled, lied to and
(05:00):
pedestalized behaviors that havenothing to do with real
connection.
It's about how people, insteadof reflecting, are digging in
deeper, retreating into theirtribes and reinforcing the idea
that the other side is theproblem.
And that's the real tragedy,because this isn't just a shift
in dating culture.
Real tragedy Because this isn'tjust a shift in dating culture,
(05:24):
it's full-blown tribalism.
One group declared all men arecreeps.
Another declares all women aredelusional.
And instead of anyone steppingback and seeing the bigger
picture, they just keep feedinginto the cycle the my truth
versus reality problem.
A huge part of this mess comesfrom people mistaking their
truth for the truth.
(05:44):
Yes, your personal experiencesshape how you see the world, but
they don't define reality.
Just because a woman feels likeevery man who approaches her is
creepy doesn't mean all men arecreeps.
Just because a man feels likeevery woman is cold and
rejecting doesn't mean all menare creeps.
Just because a man feels likeevery woman is cold and
rejecting doesn't mean all womenare like that.
When we start prioritizingfeelings over objective reality,
(06:08):
we lose the ability to actuallyfix things, because reality
doesn't care about anyone'spersonal truth.
It only responds to actions andconsequences.
And right now the consequencesof this standoff is that both
sides are becoming more bitter,more resentful and more
disconnected than ever.
And if we don't step back andstart looking at patterns, this
(06:31):
only gets worse from here.
The personal side.
Why this is more than justtheory.
I don't say any of this as somedetached observer.
I say this as someone who'slived through it.
I've gone through my own redpill rage phase.
I've had moments where I wasbitter, where I blamed women,
(06:51):
where I let my frustrationoverride my ability to see the
full picture.
But I also know my ownexperience is not the universal
truth.
I wasn't raised in a normalhousehold, at least not by
today's standards.
My parents weren't like most.
They gave me perspectives mostpeople don't get, and yet even
(07:11):
they who did their absolute best, have regrets.
And I've had my own regrets too.
I've been with a woman who toldme I could be fully honest with
her that I didn't have toexplain myself, that I could
just be, and then used every bitof that against me.
And I still can't be angry withher, because I see how broken
(07:33):
she is.
I see how she's just anotherlost human being, trying to swim
ahead of the tide.
I see how her self-protectiveinstincts the ones that turned
her into the person she is arethe result of being hurt again
and again.
And that's the real kicker,isn't it?
She wasn't born that way, shedidn't have to be that way, but
(07:55):
she woke up every single day andchose it.
And I can't save someone fromthemselves.
No matter how hard I try, nomatter how much knowledge I have
, no matter how much education Ihave, no matter how much I love
someone, no matter how muchtime I have, no matter how much
I can put my effort into someoneelse, I can't save them from
(08:16):
themselves.
And you don't have to believeme, but if you looked back at my
Facebook page, you would know Itried.
So here's the part where peopleget mad.
Look, I already know what somepeople will say about this.
This is just men being fragile.
This is just women not wantingto lower their standards.
(08:38):
If you can't handle rejection,stay single.
Women don't owe men anything.
Men don't owe women anything,and you know what?
I just don't care, because thepeople who get angry in this
conversation don't want to fixanything.
They need the gender war, theyneed to blame the other side and
(08:59):
they have to live withthemselves.
But for those of us who actuallywant connection, understanding
and something real, we step back, we look at the patterns, we
acknowledge our owncontributions to the mess and
then we rise above it.
The yellow level takeaway.
The only way out is through.
(09:21):
Look, I've talked about spiraldynamics before.
I've written a bunch of podcastepisodes that I have not
recorded, and so I'm not sureoff the top of my head if I did
record any episodes about spiraldynamics, but it is a brilliant
framework and way to look atthe world and people's evolution
(09:42):
and where they are at, andfigure out where they are and
how to communicate to them andwith them on that level.
For example, I really do lovetapping into the red side of
myself, say, if I'm with a womanwho's a body builder or
something like that, or if I'mtraining in martial arts Muay
(10:03):
Thai, krav Maga Sistema,anything like that.
I do love tapping into thatside of myself.
It speaks to that, probablyfrom the military days, I would
imagine.
But I definitely have that sideof myself for sure, and I do
thrive in that environment.
But at the end of the day, yougot to evolve, you got to keep
moving forward and these days Iidentify more with yellow.
(10:25):
Yellow is the first stage whereyou can integrate everything
else, where you can seeeverything, where you can truly
understand where other peopleare coming from.
Because here's the deal no onecan skip any stages.
We all go through them.
Some of us go through themslower than others.
Some of us get stuck in certainstages.
Like just being realistic withmyself, I'm probably stuck at
yellow.
(10:46):
I'll probably never make it toteal.
That doesn't mean I'm not goingto try, but on some level I
feel like yellow is the firststage where you can speak to
everyone and understand all thedifferent stages they're in,
where teal is almost like aBuddhist monk really.
So I really don't know if Iever want to get to teal,
(11:10):
because that means I really Ifeel like at yellow.
If you're yellow, you canconnect with people on a level
that a teal simply would not beable to connect with people on.
So I get that, it's all youknow.
Yellow and teal are bothintegrative and I get that.
But I want to keep trying.
I want to keep trying toconnect with people.
(11:31):
I don't want to rise aboveeveryone to a point that, at
teal, I just wouldn't be able tobe of the world.
You know, I already feel likeI'm not.
I already feel like I'm in theworld and not of it.
I don't want to completely feellike I'm just above the world.
That would be a very lonelyplace, I think really, and
(12:00):
that's where, you know, thetribalism comes into play.
But anyways, that being said so,if you're not familiar with
spiral dynamics, I highlyrecommend looking into it.
It's one of the best modelsI've found for understanding why
people think the way they doand why certain conversations
always seem to hit a wall.
I've talked about it before andI probably have episodes I
(12:22):
should record about it, but, inshort, it's a way of looking at
human development that explainswhy people get stuck in certain
worldviews, why they resistchange and why some can step
back and see the whole system,while others are trapped in
their own narratives.
Understanding it has changedthe way I approach these
conversations and if thisepisode resonates with you, it
(12:44):
might do the same for you.
But anyway, back off thetangent.
So if you're stuck in blue, youdemand rules.
If you're in orange, youoptimize for success.
If you're in green, you rejecthierarchy and push for equality.
But if you're in yellow, yousee the whole board.
(13:04):
You see that people are trappedin perspectives they can't
escape.
You see that both men and womenare reacting instead of
responding.
You see that this problem isn'tabout one gender or one sex
versus another gender or sex.
It's about a system that keepsus disconnected and convinced.
We can't trust each other.
(13:27):
And if you're truly at yellow,you stop blaming, you stop
resenting, you stop lettingother people's reactions define
your reality, because the truthis, connection isn't dead.
It's just buried under layersof defensiveness, fear and
resentment.
The only question left is who'sactually willing to dig it back
(13:51):
up?
Final thoughts Look, this isreal, this is raw and this is
going to hit home.
For the people who need it.
It may also get some pushback,that's fine.
The people, the people who needit.
It may also get some pushback,that's fine.
The people who matter will hearit.
And the people who don't?
Well, they were really neverpart of the audience.
(14:12):
Anyway, have a great day, thankyou.
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