Part 8 of 12: How to Spot the Moment You Are Becoming The Problem

Ever notice how it's always somebody else's fault? Our brains are masterfully designed for self-preservation, not truth-seeking. When relationships crumble, careers stall, or friendships fade, we're quick to point fingers everywhere but at ourselves. Yet the most powerful realization might be the most uncomfortable: if you keep experiencing the same problems with different people, you're the common denominator.

This episode dives deep into the five telltale signs you've become the problem. From having the same arguments in every relationship to dismissing criticism as others being "too sensitive," these patterns reveal when your ego has hijacked your self-awareness. We explore how defensiveness blocks growth, why constant excuses keep you stuck, and how blaming external circumstances for your stagnation prevents meaningful change. The hard truth? If nothing in your life improves while you remain the constant variable, that's not coincidence—it's a pattern you're maintaining.

But recognition is just the beginning. The real transformation comes through practical strategies like the Reverse Blame Exercise, which helps you identify your contribution to problems instead of automatically looking outward. The "Would I Accept This From Someone Else?" test reveals your double standards, while the 5-Year Rule forces you to confront whether your current patterns will lead to growth or more of the same. These tools don't just increase self-awareness—they return your power by showing you exactly where change is possible.

Ready to stop running from your own reflection? The question isn't whether you've been the problem—we all have at some point. The question is whether you're ready to break the patterns holding you back. Because real strength isn't about being right all the time; it's about recognizing when you're wrong and doing something about it.

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Episode Transcript

Daniel Boyd (00:10):
How to spot the moment you're becoming the
problem.
No one thinks they're the issueuntil they are Introduction,
the blind spots that keep youstuck.
Here's a truth most people willnever admit.
We've all been the problem atsome point In an argument.
We've held on to being rightlonger than we should have In a

(00:34):
relationship.
We've blamed the other personwithout checking our own
patterns In our careers.
We've sabotaged theopportunities and called it bad
luck.
And yet when we hear abouttoxic people or bad
relationships, we always assumewe're on the right side of the
equation.
Nobody ever thinks they're theproblem.

(00:56):
And that's exactly how peoplebecome the problem by believing
they're too self-aware to everbe wrong.
Hey, this isn't aboutguilt-tripping.
We've all been here.
But real power comes fromrecognizing our patterns, not
running from them.
So in this episode we'regetting brutally honest about

(01:17):
how to know when you're the onederailing conversations,
relationships or opportunities,the subtle ways your ego tricks
you into avoiding accountability, the biggest red flags that you
might be self-sabotagingwithout realizing it and, most
importantly, how to catchyourself before you wreck
yourself, because realself-awareness isn't just

(01:39):
noticing when other people arewrong, it's noticing when you
are.
1.
Why?
No one thinks they're theproblem.
The human brain is built forself-preservation, not truth.
That means when something goeswrong, our default setting is to
blame everything and anyoneelse, before we consider that it

(02:01):
might be us.
Your relationship falls apart.
Must be them.
Your career stalls.
Must be your boss.
Your friendships fade.
Must be fake people.
And sure, sometimes otherpeople really are the problem.
But if you always find yourselfin the same situations losing
friendships, cycling throughrelationships, feeling stuck at

(02:23):
work, situations losingfriendships, cycling through
relationships, feeling stuck atwork then at some point the
common denominator is you.
The ego's biggest trick ismaking us believe that we're
always the hero, the victim orthe misunderstood genius, never
the cause of our own problems.
So let's break down the signsthat your ego might be running
the show.
2.

(02:44):
The 5 signs that you'rebecoming the problem.
1.
You keep having the sameargument in different
relationships.
If every relationship, romanticor otherwise, ends in the same
fights, it's not just bad luck,it's a pattern.
Ask yourself do I keepattracting the same kind of
partner, friend or boss?
Do my relationships endattracting the same kind of
partner, friend or boss?

(03:05):
Do my relationships end for thesame reasons?
Am I saying?
Why does this always happen tome?
Instead of?
What am I doing to make thishappen?
If different people indifferent situations keep
reacting to you in the same way,it's time to consider that it's
not them, it's you.

(03:26):
2.
You catch yourself thinkingeveryone else is just too
sensitive.
If you repeatedly feel likepeople can't handle the truth or
that everyone is just too softthese days, you might not be the
brutally honest truth-tellerthat you think you are.
You might just be an assholewith bad delivery.
If your feedback constantlymakes people defensive, it's not

(03:49):
because they're all weak.
It's because you suck atcommunicating.
If people keep telling you thatthey feel unheard,
misunderstood or disrespected,they aren't all wrong.
Real strength isn't aboutsaying whatever you want.
It's about knowing when and howto say things in a way people
can actually receive, knowingwhen and how to say things in a

(04:11):
way people can actually receive.
As a side note, ai, if usedresponsibly as a surgical tool,
can be a solid ally in helpingyou refine the skill, but you
have to use it responsibly.
Ai is a mirror.
It reflects what you bring toit.
If you don't explicitly tell itto prioritize clarity, balance
and emotional intelligence,challenge your beliefs and
enhance your own self-awareness,it will simply reinforce

(04:32):
whatever biases, assumptions oremotional state you feed into it
.
We are starting to see thishappen online, especially with
people who are just not veryself-aware.
It can sharpen your words ordistort them.
It can help you communicateeffectively or justify your own
blind spots.
The difference how you chooseto wield it.

(04:53):
Just like AI, our brainsreflect back what we feed them.
If you don't challenge yourassumptions, you'll keep
reinforcing them.
3.
You always have an excuse andit's always not your fault.
Your ego will always give you areason why nothing is really
ever your fault.
If you lost a job, it wasbecause your boss was unfair.

(05:16):
If a partner left, it wasbecause they were insecure or
toxic or crazy.
If a friend distancedthemselves, it was because they
couldn't handle your realness.
Sure, sometimes those thingsare true, but if there's always
a reason, you're never to blame,it's time to ask is my life
actually full of bad luck or amI just refusing to take

(05:38):
accountability?
Four you're getting defensiveinstead of curious.
Here's an uncomfortable butpowerful truth.
The moment you feel defensiveis the exact moment you should
be listening the hardest.
If someone calls you out, doyou listen or do you immediately
explain why they're wrong?
If someone criticizes you, doyou consider it or do you fire

(06:03):
back with your own list of theirflaws?
If multiple people have pointedout the same issue about you,
have you ever stopped toconsider that they might be
right?
Defensiveness is the knee-jerkreaction of an ego that doesn't
want to be questioned.
But real strength comes frombeing willing to sit with
discomfort and ask what if theyhave a point 5.

(06:26):
Your life feels stagnant, butyou think it's everyone else's
fault.
If you feel stuck in life sameproblems, same struggles, same
excuses, but nothing is changingit's time to ask am I actually
doing anything different?
Am I taking risks or justcomplaining?
Am I waiting for things tochange instead of actively

(06:47):
changing them?
If life keeps handing you thesame lesson and you keep failing
the test, at some point youhave to realize you are the one
holding yourself back.
Three how to catch yourselfbefore you wreck yourself.
So how do you actually get outof your own way?

(07:07):
Here are three simple butbrutal ways to start practicing
real self-awareness.
One the reverse blame exercise.
Next time something goes wrong,start practicing real
self-awareness.
1.
The Reverse Blame Exercise.
Next time something goes wrong,instead of asking who or what
is to blame, ask what did I door not do, or what am I going
through right now thatcontributed to this?

(07:29):
Even if others are genuinely atfault, look at your role too.
Not to blame yourself unfairlybeen there, done that but to
recognize where you hadinfluence and where you can grow
.
Could you have set a boundaryearlier?
Did you ignore red flags,hoping things would improve?
Did fear, pride or emotionalinvestment stop you from taking

(07:52):
action?
Self-reflection doesn't absolveothers of responsibility.
It just ensures that you arenot giving away your own power.
If you always look for yourpart, you'll always find ways to
grow.
2.
The Would I Accept this FromSomeone Else Test.
If you catch yourself making anexcuse for your behavior, flip

(08:15):
it.
If a friend did this to you,would you accept the same excuse
?
If an ex treated you this way,would you let it slide?
If a co-worker blamed the bossinstead of owning their mistakes
, would you respect them?
If you wouldn't tolerate itfrom someone else, don't
tolerate it from yourself.

(08:44):
3.
The 5-Year Rule Check-In.
Ask yourself, if I keepthinking and acting the way I do
now, what will my life looklike in five years?
Will you still be having thesame arguments?
Will you still be blaming thesame people?
Will you still be waiting for abreakthrough that never comes?
If your answer is terrifyinglysimilar to where you are now,
it's time to change.
Final takeaway Own your role,own your growth.

(09:08):
At the end of the day, thebiggest red flag that you might
be, the problem is simple.
If nothing in your life everimproves and the only thing that
stays the same is simple.
If nothing in your life everimproves and the only thing that
stays the same is you.
That's not coincidence, that'sa pattern.
The good news Patterns can bebroken.
The bad news Only you can do it.

(09:29):
Only you can prevent forestfires.
The question is are you readyto stop running from your own
reflection, or are you going tokeep being the problem?
Thank you.