April 17, 2025 • 32 mins
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Your choice of partner can dramatically transform your PMDD experience – for better or worse. As someone living with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder and specializing in trauma psychology, I've discovered that emotional safety might be the missing piece in managing your symptoms effectively.
When your nervous system feels safe with your partner, PMDD symptoms naturally decrease in intensity. The right companion helps regulate your emotions rather than escalating them, providing stability when hormonal fluctuations leave you feeling most vulnerable. This episode reveals how conflict styles, communication patterns, and emotional validation directly impact symptom severity.
Through personal experience and professional expertise, I share the crucial elements that make some relationships healing while others become additional triggers. You'll learn specific qualities to look for in a partner who can support you through luteal phase challenges, including how they handle disagreements, whether they validate your feelings, and if they maintain predictable emotional responses.
Most importantly, this episode emphasizes that love should never add to your suffering. Both partners need tools to navigate PMDD together, creating a relationship where mutual understanding and adaptation replace judgment and criticism. Whether you're currently partnered or considering future relationships, these insights will transform how you approach dating with PMDD.
Ready to break free from relationship patterns that worsen your symptoms? Visit inlovewithpmdd.com to join the PMDD Power Couples membership and learn how to create a supportive partnership that helps both of you thrive, even during the most challenging phases of your cycle.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Today I want to talk to you about how the partner you
choose is going to impact thePMDD symptoms that you have.
And I really wanted to talkabout this because I'm traveling
right now.
I'm in San Diego at aconference and I'm talking all
about trauma and suicidalideations.
So, part of me being a traumapsychologist, I specialize in
(00:24):
PMDD, but I also do a lot ofspeaking engagements bringing
awareness to the impact oftrauma and how it really
translates to suicidal, abouthow much the partner you choose
really does impact the specificsymptoms that you have.
(00:49):
So I am currently in PMDD andthese days I really am having to
track a lot more closelybecause my symptoms aren't as
magnified and I'm not going tolie.
I had a lot of fear aboutsaying that.
I had a lot of fear andreservations about saying that
(01:10):
I'm not suffering as much withmy PMDD symptoms now that I am
in.
Well, okay, first let me tellyou, if you go back to the
podcast episode where I'mtalking about how I don't want a
partner, I want a companion,and that's just what I know that
I needed for this phase of mylife and I have that now and I'm
(01:31):
just monitoring very closely.
You know how I'm feeling in myluteal phase, how I'm feeling in
my follicular phase, how I'mfeeling in ovulation all of
these things that I never reallydid when I was choosing a
partner, before I never reallymonitored how much my PMDD was
impacted prior to getting into arelationship with someone.
So part of my dating processwhich has happened over the
(01:53):
course of this year and somehave worked and some have not
and I've met amazing people andI've met people that I know my
PMDD or my, yeah, me havingpremenstrual dysphoric disorder
was a disqualifier for certainpeople, meaning this was not
going to work because I havePMDD.
Not that they're a bad person.
I don't think any of my exesare bad.
(02:14):
I don't think anybody that I'vedated is necessarily a bad
person.
They just weren't the rightperson for me for having PMDD
and I had to just be reallyhonest with that and say you
know this is not going to work.
It was a me thing.
It was a very reflective thingand what I will say is when you
get with a partner or you're ina relationship with someone that
(02:35):
is not for you meaninglong-term, with having
premenstrual dysphoric disorder,they still teach you a lot.
All of my exes taught me somuch, and they almost were like
a mirror of things that I reallyhad to deal with personally,
and that's why I'm so gratefulfor it.
One of the biggest things thatmy ex had me come to the
(02:55):
realization that I needed towork on was getting offended.
That was my biggest thing.
That happened when I was in myluteal phase, when I was in PMDD
.
I would get so offended, get sosensitive, get so triggered,
and that was something that Ihad to work on.
That really had to do a lotwith what I know that I'm able
to handle, and what I mean bythat is there were certain
(03:19):
things, because of the childhoodthat I have had, that I just
cannot deal with, tolerate inrelationships.
And I'm trying to be verycareful with my words because I
want to make sure that you'reunderstanding where I'm coming
from when it comes to PMDD.
It's not that if your partnertriggers you, that you're with
(03:40):
the wrong person.
It's if your partner triggersyou and that brings something up
to you.
You need to be able to workthrough that.
You both need to be able towork through that, and so the
first thing that I do for myprivate clients is I always ask
them what are the triggers thatyou're having?
What is it bringing up whenyou're in your luteal phase?
Because, honestly, if it bringsup something, if you're saying
(04:04):
that hurtful words are one ofthe things that damages you the
most and this could be for thepartner that has PMDD and the
partner that doesn't if hurtfulwords is the thing that damages
you the most and you're bothwilling to work on that, then
you can have an amazing PMDDrelationship.
So the only way that this won'twork, when these triggers come
up and these things that youreally need to work on, is if
(04:25):
you're both not willing to dothe work.
And so if I come to you or youcome to me and you say that you
want tools, let's just usehurtful words.
That is the most meaning.
Maybe your partner goes off onPMDD rage or maybe your
partner's just irritable, ormaybe your partner's not even as
(04:49):
vocal, but they just say itunder their breath and they say
some of the most hurtful, nastythings to you in the luteal
phase and it's just somethingthat you cannot get over and it
does a lot of damage becausewords linger.
If you're my private client,you know that we work very
heavily on hurtful words.
I did a whole workbook on that.
When I had the PMDD BreakupProof Academy, I did a whole
(05:09):
session on that, and if you havejoined, or if you are joining,
the PMDD Power Couples, this isone of the biggest things that
we're going to be working on,because hurtful words stick and
so for me, it wasn't evennecessarily the words that were
spoken, it was the tone in whichthey were spoken.
When someone yells at me, whensomeone curses at me, even if
(05:31):
it's out of frustration, even ifit's not cursing at me, if it's
cursing towards me, if that'stheir way of handling conflict,
that's a trigger for me when I'min my luteal phase and it
brings another side of me outthat I never want to see again
phase and it brings another sideof me out that I never want to
see again.
Honestly, when I went off onPMDD range, I remember saying to
(05:52):
myself I never want to see theside of me again because it's so
out of character.
It's the opposite of who I amas a person, and PMDD has a way
of bringing you out of characterand bringing this other version
of yourself out.
So I would ask you, you know,or to ask yourself what is PMDD
bring out in me that I neverwant to see again.
It could be you shut down, youget really avoidant.
It could be I had a phase ofdoing that.
(06:14):
My ex used to call it goinginternal and I didn't like that
side of myself and I used tocall myself an introvert and I
used to say that I was avoidantand I really wasn't.
It was the overwhelming stressthat I was going through that
was causing me to want to shutdown.
It was causing me to want tohide, that was causing me to
want to disassociate, and Ilearned that that was something
(06:36):
that I needed to work on Callingmyself avoidant, thinking that
I had an avoidant attachmentstyle.
Even if you go back on thepodcast and you listen, I talk
so much about having an avoidantattachment style and that was
something that I had to heal inorder to become secure.
And the biggest thing I had toask myself what am I hiding from
and what I was hiding from whenI did the work on that, because
(06:58):
I literally counseled myselfand did the work on that I'm
like what are you really hidingfrom when you're getting
avoidant, when you're shuttingdown?
And it was emotional safety.
I didn't feel safe, and thatreally took me back to my
childhood and the trauma that Ihad.
And when I didn't feelemotional safety with my partner
, I would shut down, I wouldhide, I would disassociate, I
(07:18):
would try to pretend like I youknow I did I wasn't suffering in
PMDD just to make the otherperson happy.
And so I'm going to go over 10reasons why the PMDD partner
that you have really does impactyour PMDD symptoms, and the
first one is emotional safety,because emotional safety impacts
(07:39):
your stress levels, and what Imean by that is when you have a
supportive PMDD partner and ifyou haven't joined my course, my
partner has PMDD now.
This is when I go all the waythrough this.
But a supportive PMDD partnerhelps you regulate your nervous
system, and so this is going tohelp you reduce the stress that
you have when you're inpremenstrual disorder.
So I had to ask myself wheneverI was going through the vetting
(08:02):
process of who am I going to bewith in this companionship, this
companionship relationship,right Cause, remember, I said
that's what I needed this phaseof my life.
I'm not saying I'm never goingto have a.
You know, I'm never going toget married again.
I'm never going to have a fullon PNDD partner.
But what I'm saying is for thisphase of my life, a companion
is something that I reallyreally need.
For the phase of life.
(08:23):
I am for the healing that I hadto do and, honestly, it is so
healing.
Being in a companionship Idon't even want to well, you
call it a relationship being ina relationship with someone who
regulates my nervous system isso healing because it reduces
the stress that I have, which isa major PMDD trigger.
(08:46):
If you have premenstrualdysphoric disorder and you are
stressed, your PMDD symptoms aregoing to be worse.
If you have premenstrualdysphoric disorder and you
experience stress, your PMDDsymptoms are going to be
exasperated.
They are going to be worse.
You are going to suffer more.
So what that means is you needto choose a partner that is able
(09:09):
to regulate your nervous system.
Does that mean that you don'thave to do the work to regulate
your nervous system yourself?
No, that means they need tohelp you regulate your nervous
system, not take over the wholejob of regulating your nervous
system.
Not that you go off on PMDDrage and you're just all over
the whole job of regulating yournervous system.
Not that you go off on PMDDrage and you're just all over
the place and you're irritableand your partner just has to
(09:29):
take it.
No, what I'm saying is, when youare in the process of
regulating your nervous system,they are assisting you in it.
You are openly communicating.
This is what I'm doing toregulate my nervous system.
Can you help me with this?
So if you're working with meand you're my private client and
you're saying that range orirritability, is one of the
biggest things that is doingdamage in your PMDD relationship
(09:51):
and I give you tools on how toregulate your nervous system,
how are you feeling when youfeel triggered?
What is the irritability?
How are you going off?
What are the things that you'redoing that you don't like?
What is that side of you andI'm helping you do that and you
communicate that to your partner.
Your partner should say okay,what are the tools that Dr Rose
(10:12):
gave you in order to regulateyour nervous system?
Which means basically to calmdown.
In layman's terms and basicterms, what this means is you
need to be with a partner thatallows you to calm down in
whatever way that makes you feelyour best, and for me, a lot of
times, it's my PMDD partner'smorning routine, not a lot of
times.
Most times it's my PMDDpartner's morning routine.
I've said this once, I'll sayit again without this morning
(10:33):
routine, this PMDD partner'smorning routine, my PMDD
symptoms would 100% be worse.
I would not be the version ofmyself that I am in my luteal
phase if I didn't have thismorning routine.
So what this means for me is,when I'm choosing a partner, I
need to choose a partner that issupportive of me having this
morning routine.
Simple as that.
That's what I said.
(10:53):
I said you know what I need tocontinue to do, the things that
I need to do to regulate mynervous system, because I wake
up in my luteal phase and Iexperienced the bulk of my
symptoms.
So it really is a matter ofknowing yourself.
You really have to get to knowyourself and say when do I
(11:22):
suffer the most?
And if you know that you sufferthe most in the morning, or if
you even say it's all day, no,really you have to drill down,
you have to go and they got todo this and they have to do this
for the kids and they have thisproject and they have this, and
when they go to sleep at nightor when they try to go to sleep
at night, that's when all oftheir PMDD symptoms come rushing
in, because they don't haveanything to distract themselves
on that.
They don't have anything todistract themselves, so they're
dealing with the bulk of theirsymptoms, and so, if this is the
(11:44):
case, you need a PMDD partner'sevening routine.
You really need an eveningroutine that allows you to deal
with your PMDD symptoms.
And so I would ask you and itcan be afternoon, the time of
day doesn't really matter thetime of day that you have a
routine that regulates yournervous system doesn't matter.
(12:04):
And if you want me to do aseparate episode on my P&DD
Partners morning routine, again,I know, if you're my private
client, you know what it lookslike because I help you.
I help all of my clientsdevelop a routine.
There's something that I put intheir day-to-day process when
they're in their luteal phasethat helps them regulate their
nervous system, and I give themfeedback that they're able to
(12:25):
give their partners to supportthem in that.
So the first thing that youneed to do is ask yourself,
after you've developed thisroutine, step one is you need to
get a routine, whether it'smorning, whether it's afternoon,
whether it's evening, whetherit's midday, whether it's a
routine that you just do.
Whenever you know that you'refeeling overwhelmed and you're
stressed, you do this routine.
Ask yourself is your partnersupportive of your routine?
(12:47):
Is your partner supportive ofthe things that you do to
regulate your nervous system?
That's something that you needto have in a supportive PMDD
partner, in a supportive PMDDcompanion, in someone that
you're dating with, you know,with PMDD.
And then the next thing isconflict.
How your partner handlesconflict will impact your PMDD
symptoms.
(13:07):
How your partner handlesconflict will impact your PMDD
symptoms.
I wish that I could scream thisfrom the rooftop, because had I
known, had I known this, Iwould have gotten myself out of
a lot of PMDD rage arguments,because conflict can worsen PMDD
rage.
The way your partner handlesconflict can worsen you
(13:28):
experiencing PMDD rage, becauseif your partner gets defensive,
if your partner dismisses yourfeelings or minimizes your
feelings, if your partner isargumentative, if your partner
doesn't listen to you, it isgoing to escalate your PMDD rage
Instead of you being able tocalm down.
It is going to make you go offon PMDD rage and this is going
(13:48):
to be directly correlated to theway your partner responds to
conflict.
I had to learn this the hard way.
I cannot be with someone thathandles conflict with yelling,
with cursing, with an aggressivetone.
This is because I experiencedchildhood trauma and this level
of verbal and it turned intophysical abuse.
(14:09):
The reason why the hurtfulwords and the defensiveness and
the arguing and the yelling mademe shut down and or more and or
made me go off on PMDD rangewas because I had so much fear
because in my home growing up,verbal abuse turned into
physical abuse and cognitivelyin my brain, when someone yells
(14:31):
at me and curses at me and theygo off and I feel unsafe, I
assume that it's going to turninto physical abuse.
Has that ever happened to me inmy PNVD relationships?
No, thank God.
But your brain trauma is storedin the body.
My body doesn't know thedifference between it happening
to me as a child or it happeningto me as an adult.
(14:52):
So it's that fight or flight.
So what my body and my mind wastelling me every single time I
had exes that yelled in conflictor cursed in conflict was
they're going to hit you.
They're going to push somethingover.
It's going to hit you.
You're going to get hurtphysically.
They're going to hit you.
They're going to push somethingover.
It's going to hit you.
You're going to get hurtphysically and, honestly, for me
, it hurt me more emotionally,verbally than physically.
(15:13):
When I had physical abusegrowing up, it wasn't
necessarily the physical abusethat was the most damaging to me
, it was the verbal abuse, andit almost still makes me get to
tears today, because I wasthinking to myself how can
someone that loves me so muchtalk to me so horribly?
And that's why the hurtfulwords hurt me so much and the
(15:37):
yelling hurt me so much?
Because there was no care,there was no concern, there was
no gentleness, there was nokindness, there was no feeling
adored, there was no feelingsaved, there was no.
Because I think I would be okaywith knowing that someone
yelled and cursed, like to otherpeople, like if that's just
(15:59):
their personality and they'rejust someone that's just very,
you know, robust.
Or maybe they have a job wherethey have to yell at people, I
don't know.
I never have an issue with that, but I would like to think that
the person that I am in anintimate relationship with and
that I'm in a partnership with,and I'm in a companionship with,
values me so much, loves me somuch that they're willing to be
(16:23):
kind to me that they canregulate their own emotions
enough to calm themselves downand talk to me with kindness,
with love, because that's loveto me.
Love is not.
I'm going to talk to you,however I feel in the moment,
because I'm just pissed off,love is.
I love them enough that I'mgoing to be so gentle with them.
You know Corinthians in theBible, 1 Corinthians 13, says
(16:44):
love is patient, love is kind.
And then you can go on with thescripture and I always look at
that.
I even have that whole quote upin my house.
My house has a lot of quotesand when I always look at that
scripture and I say love ispatient, love is kind, it can
really stop there.
For me that's like the basics.
So I had to really think tomyself.
When I'm dating someone, when weare in conflict, not when
(17:05):
they're just nice andeverything's going their way Of
course they're patient, ofcourse they're kind.
It's easy for people to bepatient and kind when
everything's going their way.
But if I say no, if I say Ican't go on date night or I
can't do this, when I say no andthat I can't do something that
you want me to do, and then weget into conflict about it or we
disagree about it.
How are you going to treat me?
(17:25):
Are you still going to treat mewith love?
Are you still going to treat mewith kindness?
So that was the next thing thatI really had to think about
when I was choosing a partner.
So I almost waited.
I didn't almost wait, I waiteduntil we had a disagreement.
I didn't get into the mistakeof dating someone in my
follicular phase and nothingever going wrong and me choosing
that person.
(17:46):
I chose a person when we had aconflict and I was like, okay,
let me see how this personhandles it.
I'm not telling this person howthey're going to handle
conflict because, honestly, Ireally wanted the person to be
themselves so that I was able tochoose.
The only way I was able tochoose is to let them be
themselves and then I decide ifthat's something that I can
(18:06):
handle in my luteal phase.
So we had a disagreement.
In my luteal phase, I expressedhow I felt, which I always do,
and what they did was I waitedto see and they literally
apologized immediately.
They immediately apologized andsaid oh, I didn't mean it that
way Because, honestly, the way Iperceived it wasn't how they
(18:26):
meant it.
And instead of gettingdefensive, they said oh, I'm
sorry, babe, I didn't mean itthat way, but if I hurt your
feelings, if I hurt yourfeelings, I'm sorry.
And what that did was itdiffused any conflict that we
had immediately, because theyhad empathy, which, if you have
not gotten my course, my partnerhas PMDD.
(18:47):
Now what?
And I give you the sevencharacteristics of a supportive
PMDD partner empathy is numberone.
So there goes your sneak peek,and they were showing me that
they had the ability to feeloffended, because I'm pretty
sure they felt offended if I wasaccusing them of something that
they didn't do.
So they were like no, that'snot what I meant.
But they said but you know what, what I did, even though that's
(19:10):
not what I intended.
If what I did hurt yourfeelings, I'm sorry, what can I
do to make it better?
That's literally what they said.
And then they gave me a hug andliterally the conflict went
away.
That was it.
And every single time we've hada disagreement, that's how it's
handled and that's what I knowthat I need.
(19:31):
And it's so clear to me becausePMDD rage wasn't even an option,
because when the response wasmet with, again, no
defensiveness, no dismissiveness, no argumentative, no yelling,
no cursing.
It was met with emotionalintelligence and pretty much
just saying I don't want tofight with you, I don't want
this conflict.
How can we make this better?
(19:51):
There was no PMDD rage.
So that's how it impacts yourPMDD symptoms and what my
companion did.
What my partner did was it wasvalidating versus gaslighting.
So a validating PMDD partnerreassures you that your feelings
are real.
So by him saying to me, eventhough I didn't mean it that way
(20:12):
, if it hurt your feelings andI'm pretty sure that it did, I'm
sorry.
While a dismissive and agaslighting PMDD partner will
make you question yourself whichis going to worsen your PMDD
symptoms?
Because you're already confused, you already have brain fog,
you already have irritability,you already have brain fog, you
already have irritability, youalready have rage.
(20:33):
And if someone is making youprove to them that you are
justified in feeling how youfeel, they're gaslighting you
and it's going to make yoursymptoms worse because you're
literally going to feel somisunderstood, so frustrated, so
unsupported, so unseen, sounheard, and your PMDD symptoms
are absolutely going to be worse.
So the difference is between aPMDD partner that is gonna
(20:54):
validate your feelings,regardless of whether they
intended to do it or not.
They're gonna apologizeregardless if they offended it.
If they intended to do it ornot, they're gonna let their
pride go, let their ego go.
Stop trying to defendthemselves and they're not gonna
gaslight you.
They're not gonna make youprove, it doesn't matter.
You should be able to say toyour partner that you're
offended about something andthat's it.
(21:16):
You should be able to say toyour PMDD partner that you're
hurt about something and that'sit.
That should be enough for themto want to be like you know what
.
I don't want my partner to feeloffended.
I don't want my partner to feelhurt.
Let me do what it takes to makeit better.
Let me apologize.
Partners that are not willingto do that are in the pride.
They're in the ego.
They're like I'm notapologizing for that, you're
just so sensitive.
(21:37):
Another thing that a partner cando to really help you in your
PMDD symptoms is give youpredictability and stability.
It really does reduce yourlevel of anxiety and PMDD and
your luteal phase If you knowthat your partner is stable with
their emotions, if you knowthat your partner is predictable
(21:57):
with their emotions.
One of the things that I knowthat I needed was a calm PMDD
partner, a calm PMDD companion.
I needed someone, calm becauseI didn't need.
You know, there's times in myluteal phase where I'm confused,
I'm irritable, I'm this and Ididn't need someone that was
going to match.
What did they say?
Match my energy?
No, no, no, no.
I needed a consistent andemotionally stable companion
(22:22):
because it created a safeenvironment for me.
I know that, regardless of whathappens in my luteal phase, my
partner's not going to yell atme.
My partner's not going to curseat me.
My partner's not going to yellat me.
My partner's not going to curseat me.
My partner's not going to makeme feel like a piece of crap.
(22:42):
My partner is not going to notmake me feel safe, but an
unpredictable, reactive PMDDpartner.
It's going to create anxietyand it's going to increase your
PMDD symptoms because you'renever going to know.
You're going to be coming home,you're going to be talking to
them and you're never going toknow how they're going to
emotionally react.
You're going to be coming home,you're going to be talking to
them and you're never going toknow how they're going to
emotionally react.
And you don't feel safe whenyour partner is very unstable
emotionally.
When they're all over the place.
You feel absolutely out ofcontrol.
You feel on edge.
(23:02):
You feel like you're walking oneggshells.
You never know what you'rewalking into and this could be
the partner that has PMDD or thepartner that doesn't.
If you feel like you're walkingon eggshells, it's because you
never know what you're going toget out of your partner
emotionally.
You never know what you'regoing to get out of your partner
and how it's going to impactyour mental state and that
really is going to worsen yoursymptoms.
So I will say this I said thisonce, I said this again partners
(23:25):
of individuals who have PNDD dohave symptoms.
If you haven't read mydissertation, I literally wrote
hundreds of pages on howpartners can have symptoms
because they're walking oneggshells and they never know
how the partner with PMDD isgoing to react.
They never know how they'regoing to be in their luteal
phase and it literally can causethem so far to having suicidal
(23:47):
ideation.
Go read my dissertation if youdon't believe me.
It's based off of research thatI did.
It's based off of hundreds ofPMDD partners that I interviewed
over the course of years andthey literally had symptoms
because they were walking oneggshells.
And so the next way that you canreally dictate how your partner
is gonna impact your PMDDsymptoms is how you communicate.
(24:07):
Communication in your lutealphase can make or break your
PMDD experience.
Honestly, a partner who listensand communicates with patients
can really really help youduring your PMDD cycles, where,
if you have poor, inconsistentcommunications, you're always
having misunderstandings.
You're always arguing, you'realways fighting.
Your communication sucks, yourcommunication is trash.
(24:30):
It's going to impact your PMDDsymptoms.
It's going to make your PMDDsymptoms.
It's going to make your PMDDsymptoms worse.
And then also the next thing isyour partner's coping skills.
How does your partner cope whenthey're in either in their
luteal phase or when they'retriggered by you being in your
luteal phase?
How do they cope with that?
What are the coping mechanismsthat they have?
Do they take things personallyand always think that a
(24:52):
conversation is an attack If youbring something up?
Are they feeling like you'reattacking them?
Are you feeling like you cannever really discuss anything
without it turning into anargument?
Or are they able to remain calm?
One of the things that I saidthat I value so much and I made
the decision to have thiscompanion is because we could
talk about things that were hard.
We could have the hardconversations and we could just
(25:13):
get through them.
And they remain calm and loving.
That's another thing.
Remain calm and loving,whatever your love language is.
Can they still express theirlove language in the middle of
conflict?
Or are they shutting down?
Are they like, don't touch me?
If your love language isphysical touch and they're
refusing to touch you becausethey're pissed off at you,
(25:34):
you're going to be hurt by that.
In your PMDD, in your lutealphase, you're going to feel
rejected.
You already have rejectionsensitivity in your luteal phase
, so that's going to make itworse, right?
So the next thing is do theyhave empathy?
Do they remind you that you'renot alone in this?
It reduces isolation.
If you feel like you can't goto your partner with your PMDD
symptoms because they're notgoing to be able to handle them,
(25:56):
it's going to make your PMDDsymptoms worse.
You're going to feel alone.
I remember feeling like that,like I literally did not want my
partner to even know that I wasin my luteal phase, know that I
had PMDD, because I knew thatthey couldn't handle that.
And so I had to ask myself am Ichoosing a partner that can
handle me being in my lutealphase If I'm not as interactive
(26:16):
if I'm not as high vibe, if I'mnot as all over the place and so
happy-go-lucky, are they goingto be able to handle me?
And when I got in my lutealphase and my energy was lower, I
was suffering with fatigue.
We just did less things.
We did stuff that was actuallyfun.
We cuddled and we watchedmovies and we went on a calming
(26:37):
walk and we held hands and Ifelt safe and I didn't feel bad
for being in my luteal phase.
I didn't feel like a piece ofcrap because I was suffering in
PMDD.
I actually felt supported.
I felt like it was okay.
I felt like it was healthy forme to go slower in my luteal
phase, which was something thatI never, ever felt comfortable
doing.
I'm finally okay with taking itslow.
(26:59):
I feel loved and supported.
And so the last one is loveshouldn't add to your suffering.
Being in your PMDD relationshipshould not add to your
suffering.
Your relationship, honestly,should be a source of comfort,
not another trigger.
So if you know that you'rehaving triggers in your PMDD
relationship, you need tocontrol them by managing them,
(27:21):
by getting to the root cause ofthe trigger, which is something
that I work with my privateclients with.
And then your partner should bewilling to work with you, not
against you, not be making youfeel like, oh my gosh, I wish I
didn't have PMDD and I have towork on this.
You should not feel shame forhaving premenstrual dysphoric
disorder.
You didn't ask for this.
I didn't ask for this.
(27:42):
You didn't ask for this.
Pmdd is not our fault, but itis our responsibility to manage.
So you shouldn't feel like youhave a partner that makes you
feel like crap for having PMDD.
You should be with someone thatacknowledges that you have PMDD
and they're willing to learnmore about it and to learn how
to be a supportive PMDD partnerso that they add to your
experience.
(28:02):
And so they say to you you know, honestly, I know that you have
PMDD, I know that you suffer inyour luteal phase.
How can I make it better?
And then you in turn recognizeI know that I'm different in my
luteal phase.
How can I make it better?
And then you in turn recognizeI know that I'm different in my
luteal phase.
Like you come to terms withthat.
If you suffer with PMDD, I knowthat I'm different in my luteal
phase.
How can I make your experiencebetter for the partner that
doesn't have PMDD.
(28:23):
If both of you have that mindsetof making the luteal phase
experience better for each otherand you're both willing to give
to each other in the lutealphase, you're going to have an
amazing PMDD relationship.
You're going to have an amazingPMDD dating experience.
But if you go into it with Ineed to get my needs met, what
can you do to get to meet myneeds?
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And if you can't do it, thenthis relationship is going to be
hell.
I'm going to act differentlytowards you.
If you're not able to meet myneeds, you're not going to have
a supportive PMDD relationship.
It's actually going to makeyour PMDD symptoms worse.
So if you're listening to thisand you know that number one,
your partner is not exhibitingthe qualities that you need in
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the luteal phase.
I'm not saying that you need tobreak up.
You know I never tell you that.
I'm saying now you know whatyou need to work on.
So when you come to me for thesecounseling sessions, we really
go deep and we do the work,which it is work, it is effort,
it is rewiring your PMDD brainand, for the partner that
doesn't have PMDD, it's givingyou the tools as to what you can
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do in your luteal phase so thatyou get your needs met too.
It's not just about the partnerthat is suffering with PMDD,
it's about the partner thatdoesn't have PMDD and working
together in your PMDDrelationship.
So if this is something thatyou know that you need help with
, go to inlovewithpmddcom, getthose counseling sessions, join
the membership.
The link is going to be in theshow notes.
(29:47):
It's going to say PMDD PowerCouples and we're going to be
working on all of these things.
So until next time, we got this.
Today I want to talk to you about how the partner you
choose is going to impact thePMDD symptoms that you have.
And I really wanted to talkabout this because I'm traveling
right now.
I'm in San Diego at aconference and I'm talking all
about trauma and suicidalideations.
So, part of me being a traumapsychologist, I specialize in
(00:24):
PMDD, but I also do a lot ofspeaking engagements bringing
awareness to the impact oftrauma and how it really
translates to suicidal, abouthow much the partner you choose
really does impact the specificsymptoms that you have.
(00:49):
So I am currently in PMDD andthese days I really am having to
track a lot more closelybecause my symptoms aren't as
magnified and I'm not going tolie.
I had a lot of fear aboutsaying that.
I had a lot of fear andreservations about saying that
(01:10):
I'm not suffering as much withmy PMDD symptoms now that I am
in.
Well, okay, first let me tellyou, if you go back to the
podcast episode where I'mtalking about how I don't want a
partner, I want a companion,and that's just what I know that
I needed for this phase of mylife and I have that now and I'm
(01:31):
just monitoring very closely.
You know how I'm feeling in myluteal phase, how I'm feeling in
my follicular phase, how I'mfeeling in ovulation all of
these things that I never reallydid when I was choosing a
partner, before I never reallymonitored how much my PMDD was
impacted prior to getting into arelationship with someone.
So part of my dating processwhich has happened over the
(01:53):
course of this year and somehave worked and some have not
and I've met amazing people andI've met people that I know my
PMDD or my, yeah, me havingpremenstrual dysphoric disorder
was a disqualifier for certainpeople, meaning this was not
going to work because I havePMDD.
Not that they're a bad person.
I don't think any of my exesare bad.
(02:14):
I don't think anybody that I'vedated is necessarily a bad
person.
They just weren't the rightperson for me for having PMDD
and I had to just be reallyhonest with that and say you
know this is not going to work.
It was a me thing.
It was a very reflective thingand what I will say is when you
get with a partner or you're ina relationship with someone that
(02:35):
is not for you meaninglong-term, with having
premenstrual dysphoric disorder,they still teach you a lot.
All of my exes taught me somuch, and they almost were like
a mirror of things that I reallyhad to deal with personally,
and that's why I'm so gratefulfor it.
One of the biggest things thatmy ex had me come to the
(02:55):
realization that I needed towork on was getting offended.
That was my biggest thing.
That happened when I was in myluteal phase, when I was in PMDD
.
I would get so offended, get sosensitive, get so triggered,
and that was something that Ihad to work on.
That really had to do a lotwith what I know that I'm able
to handle, and what I mean bythat is there were certain
(03:19):
things, because of the childhoodthat I have had, that I just
cannot deal with, tolerate inrelationships.
And I'm trying to be verycareful with my words because I
want to make sure that you'reunderstanding where I'm coming
from when it comes to PMDD.
It's not that if your partnertriggers you, that you're with
(03:40):
the wrong person.
It's if your partner triggersyou and that brings something up
to you.
You need to be able to workthrough that.
You both need to be able towork through that, and so the
first thing that I do for myprivate clients is I always ask
them what are the triggers thatyou're having?
What is it bringing up whenyou're in your luteal phase?
Because, honestly, if it bringsup something, if you're saying
(04:04):
that hurtful words are one ofthe things that damages you the
most and this could be for thepartner that has PMDD and the
partner that doesn't if hurtfulwords is the thing that damages
you the most and you're bothwilling to work on that, then
you can have an amazing PMDDrelationship.
So the only way that this won'twork, when these triggers come
up and these things that youreally need to work on, is if
(04:25):
you're both not willing to dothe work.
And so if I come to you or youcome to me and you say that you
want tools, let's just usehurtful words.
That is the most meaning.
Maybe your partner goes off onPMDD rage or maybe your
partner's just irritable, ormaybe your partner's not even as
(04:49):
vocal, but they just say itunder their breath and they say
some of the most hurtful, nastythings to you in the luteal
phase and it's just somethingthat you cannot get over and it
does a lot of damage becausewords linger.
If you're my private client,you know that we work very
heavily on hurtful words.
I did a whole workbook on that.
When I had the PMDD BreakupProof Academy, I did a whole
(05:09):
session on that, and if you havejoined, or if you are joining,
the PMDD Power Couples, this isone of the biggest things that
we're going to be working on,because hurtful words stick and
so for me, it wasn't evennecessarily the words that were
spoken, it was the tone in whichthey were spoken.
When someone yells at me, whensomeone curses at me, even if
(05:31):
it's out of frustration, even ifit's not cursing at me, if it's
cursing towards me, if that'stheir way of handling conflict,
that's a trigger for me when I'min my luteal phase and it
brings another side of me outthat I never want to see again
phase and it brings another sideof me out that I never want to
see again.
Honestly, when I went off onPMDD range, I remember saying to
(05:52):
myself I never want to see theside of me again because it's so
out of character.
It's the opposite of who I amas a person, and PMDD has a way
of bringing you out of characterand bringing this other version
of yourself out.
So I would ask you, you know,or to ask yourself what is PMDD
bring out in me that I neverwant to see again.
It could be you shut down, youget really avoidant.
It could be I had a phase ofdoing that.
(06:14):
My ex used to call it goinginternal and I didn't like that
side of myself and I used tocall myself an introvert and I
used to say that I was avoidantand I really wasn't.
It was the overwhelming stressthat I was going through that
was causing me to want to shutdown.
It was causing me to want tohide, that was causing me to
want to disassociate, and Ilearned that that was something
(06:36):
that I needed to work on Callingmyself avoidant, thinking that
I had an avoidant attachmentstyle.
Even if you go back on thepodcast and you listen, I talk
so much about having an avoidantattachment style and that was
something that I had to heal inorder to become secure.
And the biggest thing I had toask myself what am I hiding from
and what I was hiding from whenI did the work on that, because
(06:58):
I literally counseled myselfand did the work on that I'm
like what are you really hidingfrom when you're getting
avoidant, when you're shuttingdown?
And it was emotional safety.
I didn't feel safe, and thatreally took me back to my
childhood and the trauma that Ihad.
And when I didn't feelemotional safety with my partner
, I would shut down, I wouldhide, I would disassociate, I
(07:18):
would try to pretend like I youknow I did I wasn't suffering in
PMDD just to make the otherperson happy.
And so I'm going to go over 10reasons why the PMDD partner
that you have really does impactyour PMDD symptoms, and the
first one is emotional safety,because emotional safety impacts
(07:39):
your stress levels, and what Imean by that is when you have a
supportive PMDD partner and ifyou haven't joined my course, my
partner has PMDD now.
This is when I go all the waythrough this.
But a supportive PMDD partnerhelps you regulate your nervous
system, and so this is going tohelp you reduce the stress that
you have when you're inpremenstrual disorder.
So I had to ask myself wheneverI was going through the vetting
(08:02):
process of who am I going to bewith in this companionship, this
companionship relationship,right Cause, remember, I said
that's what I needed this phaseof my life.
I'm not saying I'm never goingto have a.
You know, I'm never going toget married again.
I'm never going to have a fullon PNDD partner.
But what I'm saying is for thisphase of my life, a companion
is something that I reallyreally need.
For the phase of life.
(08:23):
I am for the healing that I hadto do and, honestly, it is so
healing.
Being in a companionship Idon't even want to well, you
call it a relationship being ina relationship with someone who
regulates my nervous system isso healing because it reduces
the stress that I have, which isa major PMDD trigger.
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If you have premenstrualdysphoric disorder and you are
stressed, your PMDD symptoms aregoing to be worse.
If you have premenstrualdysphoric disorder and you
experience stress, your PMDDsymptoms are going to be
exasperated.
They are going to be worse.
You are going to suffer more.
So what that means is you needto choose a partner that is able
(09:09):
to regulate your nervous system.
Does that mean that you don'thave to do the work to regulate
your nervous system yourself?
No, that means they need tohelp you regulate your nervous
system, not take over the wholejob of regulating your nervous
system.
Not that you go off on PMDDrage and you're just all over
the whole job of regulating yournervous system.
Not that you go off on PMDDrage and you're just all over
the place and you're irritableand your partner just has to
(09:29):
take it.
No, what I'm saying is, when youare in the process of
regulating your nervous system,they are assisting you in it.
You are openly communicating.
This is what I'm doing toregulate my nervous system.
Can you help me with this?
So if you're working with meand you're my private client and
you're saying that range orirritability, is one of the
biggest things that is doingdamage in your PMDD relationship
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and I give you tools on how toregulate your nervous system,
how are you feeling when youfeel triggered?
What is the irritability?
How are you going off?
What are the things that you'redoing that you don't like?
What is that side of you andI'm helping you do that and you
communicate that to your partner.
Your partner should say okay,what are the tools that Dr Rose
(10:12):
gave you in order to regulateyour nervous system?
Which means basically to calmdown.
In layman's terms and basicterms, what this means is you
need to be with a partner thatallows you to calm down in
whatever way that makes you feelyour best, and for me, a lot of
times, it's my PMDD partner'smorning routine, not a lot of
times.
Most times it's my PMDDpartner's morning routine.
I've said this once, I'll sayit again without this morning
(10:33):
routine, this PMDD partner'smorning routine, my PMDD
symptoms would 100% be worse.
I would not be the version ofmyself that I am in my luteal
phase if I didn't have thismorning routine.
So what this means for me is,when I'm choosing a partner, I
need to choose a partner that issupportive of me having this
morning routine.
Simple as that.
That's what I said.
(10:53):
I said you know what I need tocontinue to do, the things that
I need to do to regulate mynervous system, because I wake
up in my luteal phase and Iexperienced the bulk of my
symptoms.
So it really is a matter ofknowing yourself.
You really have to get to knowyourself and say when do I
(11:22):
suffer the most?
And if you know that you sufferthe most in the morning, or if
you even say it's all day, no,really you have to drill down,
you have to go and they got todo this and they have to do this
for the kids and they have thisproject and they have this, and
when they go to sleep at nightor when they try to go to sleep
at night, that's when all oftheir PMDD symptoms come rushing
in, because they don't haveanything to distract themselves
on that.
They don't have anything todistract themselves, so they're
dealing with the bulk of theirsymptoms, and so, if this is the
(11:44):
case, you need a PMDD partner'sevening routine.
You really need an eveningroutine that allows you to deal
with your PMDD symptoms.
And so I would ask you and itcan be afternoon, the time of
day doesn't really matter thetime of day that you have a
routine that regulates yournervous system doesn't matter.
(12:04):
And if you want me to do aseparate episode on my P&DD
Partners morning routine, again,I know, if you're my private
client, you know what it lookslike because I help you.
I help all of my clientsdevelop a routine.
There's something that I put intheir day-to-day process when
they're in their luteal phasethat helps them regulate their
nervous system, and I give themfeedback that they're able to
(12:25):
give their partners to supportthem in that.
So the first thing that youneed to do is ask yourself,
after you've developed thisroutine, step one is you need to
get a routine, whether it'smorning, whether it's afternoon,
whether it's evening, whetherit's midday, whether it's a
routine that you just do.
Whenever you know that you'refeeling overwhelmed and you're
stressed, you do this routine.
Ask yourself is your partnersupportive of your routine?
(12:47):
Is your partner supportive ofthe things that you do to
regulate your nervous system?
That's something that you needto have in a supportive PMDD
partner, in a supportive PMDDcompanion, in someone that
you're dating with, you know,with PMDD.
And then the next thing isconflict.
How your partner handlesconflict will impact your PMDD
symptoms.
(13:07):
How your partner handlesconflict will impact your PMDD
symptoms.
I wish that I could scream thisfrom the rooftop, because had I
known, had I known this, Iwould have gotten myself out of
a lot of PMDD rage arguments,because conflict can worsen PMDD
rage.
The way your partner handlesconflict can worsen you
(13:28):
experiencing PMDD rage, becauseif your partner gets defensive,
if your partner dismisses yourfeelings or minimizes your
feelings, if your partner isargumentative, if your partner
doesn't listen to you, it isgoing to escalate your PMDD rage
Instead of you being able tocalm down.
It is going to make you go offon PMDD rage and this is going
(13:48):
to be directly correlated to theway your partner responds to
conflict.
I had to learn this the hard way.
I cannot be with someone thathandles conflict with yelling,
with cursing, with an aggressivetone.
This is because I experiencedchildhood trauma and this level
of verbal and it turned intophysical abuse.
(14:09):
The reason why the hurtfulwords and the defensiveness and
the arguing and the yelling mademe shut down and or more and or
made me go off on PMDD rangewas because I had so much fear
because in my home growing up,verbal abuse turned into
physical abuse and cognitivelyin my brain, when someone yells
(14:31):
at me and curses at me and theygo off and I feel unsafe, I
assume that it's going to turninto physical abuse.
Has that ever happened to me inmy PNVD relationships?
No, thank God.
But your brain trauma is storedin the body.
My body doesn't know thedifference between it happening
to me as a child or it happeningto me as an adult.
(14:52):
So it's that fight or flight.
So what my body and my mind wastelling me every single time I
had exes that yelled in conflictor cursed in conflict was
they're going to hit you.
They're going to push somethingover.
It's going to hit you.
You're going to get hurtphysically.
They're going to hit you.
They're going to push somethingover.
It's going to hit you.
You're going to get hurtphysically and, honestly, for me
, it hurt me more emotionally,verbally than physically.
(15:13):
When I had physical abusegrowing up, it wasn't
necessarily the physical abusethat was the most damaging to me
, it was the verbal abuse, andit almost still makes me get to
tears today, because I wasthinking to myself how can
someone that loves me so muchtalk to me so horribly?
And that's why the hurtfulwords hurt me so much and the
(15:37):
yelling hurt me so much?
Because there was no care,there was no concern, there was
no gentleness, there was nokindness, there was no feeling
adored, there was no feelingsaved, there was no.
Because I think I would be okaywith knowing that someone
yelled and cursed, like to otherpeople, like if that's just
(15:59):
their personality and they'rejust someone that's just very,
you know, robust.
Or maybe they have a job wherethey have to yell at people, I
don't know.
I never have an issue with that, but I would like to think that
the person that I am in anintimate relationship with and
that I'm in a partnership with,and I'm in a companionship with,
values me so much, loves me somuch that they're willing to be
(16:23):
kind to me that they canregulate their own emotions
enough to calm themselves downand talk to me with kindness,
with love, because that's loveto me.
Love is not.
I'm going to talk to you,however I feel in the moment,
because I'm just pissed off,love is.
I love them enough that I'mgoing to be so gentle with them.
You know Corinthians in theBible, 1 Corinthians 13, says
(16:44):
love is patient, love is kind.
And then you can go on with thescripture and I always look at
that.
I even have that whole quote upin my house.
My house has a lot of quotesand when I always look at that
scripture and I say love ispatient, love is kind, it can
really stop there.
For me that's like the basics.
So I had to really think tomyself.
When I'm dating someone, when weare in conflict, not when
(17:05):
they're just nice andeverything's going their way Of
course they're patient, ofcourse they're kind.
It's easy for people to bepatient and kind when
everything's going their way.
But if I say no, if I say Ican't go on date night or I
can't do this, when I say no andthat I can't do something that
you want me to do, and then weget into conflict about it or we
disagree about it.
How are you going to treat me?
(17:25):
Are you still going to treat mewith love?
Are you still going to treat mewith kindness?
So that was the next thing thatI really had to think about
when I was choosing a partner.
So I almost waited.
I didn't almost wait, I waiteduntil we had a disagreement.
I didn't get into the mistakeof dating someone in my
follicular phase and nothingever going wrong and me choosing
that person.
(17:46):
I chose a person when we had aconflict and I was like, okay,
let me see how this personhandles it.
I'm not telling this person howthey're going to handle
conflict because, honestly, Ireally wanted the person to be
themselves so that I was able tochoose.
The only way I was able tochoose is to let them be
themselves and then I decide ifthat's something that I can
(18:06):
handle in my luteal phase.
So we had a disagreement.
In my luteal phase, I expressedhow I felt, which I always do,
and what they did was I waitedto see and they literally
apologized immediately.
They immediately apologized andsaid oh, I didn't mean it that
way Because, honestly, the way Iperceived it wasn't how they
(18:26):
meant it.
And instead of gettingdefensive, they said oh, I'm
sorry, babe, I didn't mean itthat way, but if I hurt your
feelings, if I hurt yourfeelings, I'm sorry.
And what that did was itdiffused any conflict that we
had immediately, because theyhad empathy, which, if you have
not gotten my course, my partnerhas PMDD.
(18:47):
Now what?
And I give you the sevencharacteristics of a supportive
PMDD partner empathy is numberone.
So there goes your sneak peek,and they were showing me that
they had the ability to feeloffended, because I'm pretty
sure they felt offended if I wasaccusing them of something that
they didn't do.
So they were like no, that'snot what I meant.
But they said but you know what, what I did, even though that's
(19:10):
not what I intended.
If what I did hurt yourfeelings, I'm sorry, what can I
do to make it better?
That's literally what they said.
And then they gave me a hug andliterally the conflict went
away.
That was it.
And every single time we've hada disagreement, that's how it's
handled and that's what I knowthat I need.
(19:31):
And it's so clear to me becausePMDD rage wasn't even an option,
because when the response wasmet with, again, no
defensiveness, no dismissiveness, no argumentative, no yelling,
no cursing.
It was met with emotionalintelligence and pretty much
just saying I don't want tofight with you, I don't want
this conflict.
How can we make this better?
(19:51):
There was no PMDD rage.
So that's how it impacts yourPMDD symptoms and what my
companion did.
What my partner did was it wasvalidating versus gaslighting.
So a validating PMDD partnerreassures you that your feelings
are real.
So by him saying to me, eventhough I didn't mean it that way
(20:12):
, if it hurt your feelings andI'm pretty sure that it did, I'm
sorry.
While a dismissive and agaslighting PMDD partner will
make you question yourself whichis going to worsen your PMDD
symptoms?
Because you're already confused, you already have brain fog,
you already have irritability,you already have brain fog, you
already have irritability, youalready have rage.
(20:33):
And if someone is making youprove to them that you are
justified in feeling how youfeel, they're gaslighting you
and it's going to make yoursymptoms worse because you're
literally going to feel somisunderstood, so frustrated, so
unsupported, so unseen, sounheard, and your PMDD symptoms
are absolutely going to be worse.
So the difference is between aPMDD partner that is gonna
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validate your feelings,regardless of whether they
intended to do it or not.
They're gonna apologizeregardless if they offended it.
If they intended to do it ornot, they're gonna let their
pride go, let their ego go.
Stop trying to defendthemselves and they're not gonna
gaslight you.
They're not gonna make youprove, it doesn't matter.
You should be able to say toyour partner that you're
offended about something andthat's it.
(21:16):
You should be able to say toyour PMDD partner that you're
hurt about something and that'sit.
That should be enough for themto want to be like you know what
.
I don't want my partner to feeloffended.
I don't want my partner to feelhurt.
Let me do what it takes to makeit better.
Let me apologize.
Partners that are not willingto do that are in the pride.
They're in the ego.
They're like I'm notapologizing for that, you're
just so sensitive.
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Another thing that a partner cando to really help you in your
PMDD symptoms is give youpredictability and stability.
It really does reduce yourlevel of anxiety and PMDD and
your luteal phase If you knowthat your partner is stable with
their emotions, if you knowthat your partner is predictable
(21:57):
with their emotions.
One of the things that I knowthat I needed was a calm PMDD
partner, a calm PMDD companion.
I needed someone, calm becauseI didn't need.
You know, there's times in myluteal phase where I'm confused,
I'm irritable, I'm this and Ididn't need someone that was
going to match.
What did they say?
Match my energy?
No, no, no, no.
I needed a consistent andemotionally stable companion
(22:22):
because it created a safeenvironment for me.
I know that, regardless of whathappens in my luteal phase, my
partner's not going to yell atme.
My partner's not going to curseat me.
My partner's not going to yellat me.
My partner's not going to curseat me.
My partner's not going to makeme feel like a piece of crap.
(22:42):
My partner is not going to notmake me feel safe, but an
unpredictable, reactive PMDDpartner.
It's going to create anxietyand it's going to increase your
PMDD symptoms because you'renever going to know.
You're going to be coming home,you're going to be talking to
them and you're never going toknow how they're going to
emotionally react.
You're going to be coming home,you're going to be talking to
them and you're never going toknow how they're going to
emotionally react.
And you don't feel safe whenyour partner is very unstable
emotionally.
When they're all over the place.
You feel absolutely out ofcontrol.
You feel on edge.
(23:02):
You feel like you're walking oneggshells.
You never know what you'rewalking into and this could be
the partner that has PMDD or thepartner that doesn't.
If you feel like you're walkingon eggshells, it's because you
never know what you're going toget out of your partner
emotionally.
You never know what you'regoing to get out of your partner
and how it's going to impactyour mental state and that
really is going to worsen yoursymptoms.
So I will say this I said thisonce, I said this again partners
(23:25):
of individuals who have PNDD dohave symptoms.
If you haven't read mydissertation, I literally wrote
hundreds of pages on howpartners can have symptoms
because they're walking oneggshells and they never know
how the partner with PMDD isgoing to react.
They never know how they'regoing to be in their luteal
phase and it literally can causethem so far to having suicidal
(23:47):
ideation.
Go read my dissertation if youdon't believe me.
It's based off of research thatI did.
It's based off of hundreds ofPMDD partners that I interviewed
over the course of years andthey literally had symptoms
because they were walking oneggshells.
And so the next way that you canreally dictate how your partner
is gonna impact your PMDDsymptoms is how you communicate.
(24:07):
Communication in your lutealphase can make or break your
PMDD experience.
Honestly, a partner who listensand communicates with patients
can really really help youduring your PMDD cycles, where,
if you have poor, inconsistentcommunications, you're always
having misunderstandings.
You're always arguing, you'realways fighting.
Your communication sucks, yourcommunication is trash.
(24:30):
It's going to impact your PMDDsymptoms.
It's going to make your PMDDsymptoms.
It's going to make your PMDDsymptoms worse.
And then also the next thing isyour partner's coping skills.
How does your partner cope whenthey're in either in their
luteal phase or when they'retriggered by you being in your
luteal phase?
How do they cope with that?
What are the coping mechanismsthat they have?
Do they take things personallyand always think that a
(24:52):
conversation is an attack If youbring something up?
Are they feeling like you'reattacking them?
Are you feeling like you cannever really discuss anything
without it turning into anargument?
Or are they able to remain calm?
One of the things that I saidthat I value so much and I made
the decision to have thiscompanion is because we could
talk about things that were hard.
We could have the hardconversations and we could just
(25:13):
get through them.
And they remain calm and loving.
That's another thing.
Remain calm and loving,whatever your love language is.
Can they still express theirlove language in the middle of
conflict?
Or are they shutting down?
Are they like, don't touch me?
If your love language isphysical touch and they're
refusing to touch you becausethey're pissed off at you,
(25:34):
you're going to be hurt by that.
In your PMDD, in your lutealphase, you're going to feel
rejected.
You already have rejectionsensitivity in your luteal phase
, so that's going to make itworse, right?
So the next thing is do theyhave empathy?
Do they remind you that you'renot alone in this?
It reduces isolation.
If you feel like you can't goto your partner with your PMDD
symptoms because they're notgoing to be able to handle them,
(25:56):
it's going to make your PMDDsymptoms worse.
You're going to feel alone.
I remember feeling like that,like I literally did not want my
partner to even know that I wasin my luteal phase, know that I
had PMDD, because I knew thatthey couldn't handle that.
And so I had to ask myself am Ichoosing a partner that can
handle me being in my lutealphase If I'm not as interactive
(26:16):
if I'm not as high vibe, if I'mnot as all over the place and so
happy-go-lucky, are they goingto be able to handle me?
And when I got in my lutealphase and my energy was lower, I
was suffering with fatigue.
We just did less things.
We did stuff that was actuallyfun.
We cuddled and we watchedmovies and we went on a calming
(26:37):
walk and we held hands and Ifelt safe and I didn't feel bad
for being in my luteal phase.
I didn't feel like a piece ofcrap because I was suffering in
PMDD.
I actually felt supported.
I felt like it was okay.
I felt like it was healthy forme to go slower in my luteal
phase, which was something thatI never, ever felt comfortable
doing.
I'm finally okay with taking itslow.
(26:59):
I feel loved and supported.
And so the last one is loveshouldn't add to your suffering.
Being in your PMDD relationshipshould not add to your
suffering.
Your relationship, honestly,should be a source of comfort,
not another trigger.
So if you know that you'rehaving triggers in your PMDD
relationship, you need tocontrol them by managing them,
(27:21):
by getting to the root cause ofthe trigger, which is something
that I work with my privateclients with.
And then your partner should bewilling to work with you, not
against you, not be making youfeel like, oh my gosh, I wish I
didn't have PMDD and I have towork on this.
You should not feel shame forhaving premenstrual dysphoric
disorder.
You didn't ask for this.
I didn't ask for this.
(27:42):
You didn't ask for this.
Pmdd is not our fault, but itis our responsibility to manage.
So you shouldn't feel like youhave a partner that makes you
feel like crap for having PMDD.
You should be with someone thatacknowledges that you have PMDD
and they're willing to learnmore about it and to learn how
to be a supportive PMDD partnerso that they add to your
experience.
(28:02):
And so they say to you you know, honestly, I know that you have
PMDD, I know that you suffer inyour luteal phase.
How can I make it better?
And then you in turn recognizeI know that I'm different in my
luteal phase.
How can I make it better?
And then you in turn recognizeI know that I'm different in my
luteal phase.
Like you come to terms withthat.
If you suffer with PMDD, I knowthat I'm different in my luteal
phase.
How can I make your experiencebetter for the partner that
doesn't have PMDD.
(28:23):
If both of you have that mindsetof making the luteal phase
experience better for each otherand you're both willing to give
to each other in the lutealphase, you're going to have an
amazing PMDD relationship.
You're going to have an amazingPMDD dating experience.
But if you go into it with Ineed to get my needs met, what
can you do to get to meet myneeds?
(28:44):
And if you can't do it, thenthis relationship is going to be
hell.
I'm going to act differentlytowards you.
If you're not able to meet myneeds, you're not going to have
a supportive PMDD relationship.
It's actually going to makeyour PMDD symptoms worse.
So if you're listening to thisand you know that number one,
your partner is not exhibitingthe qualities that you need in
(29:05):
the luteal phase.
I'm not saying that you need tobreak up.
You know I never tell you that.
I'm saying now you know whatyou need to work on.
So when you come to me for thesecounseling sessions, we really
go deep and we do the work,which it is work, it is effort,
it is rewiring your PMDD brainand, for the partner that
doesn't have PMDD, it's givingyou the tools as to what you can
(29:27):
do in your luteal phase so thatyou get your needs met too.
It's not just about the partnerthat is suffering with PMDD,
it's about the partner thatdoesn't have PMDD and working
together in your PMDDrelationship.
So if this is something thatyou know that you need help with
, go to inlovewithpmddcom, getthose counseling sessions, join
the membership.
The link is going to be in theshow notes.
(29:47):
It's going to say PMDD PowerCouples and we're going to be
working on all of these things.
So until next time, we got this.
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