March 6, 2025 • 57 mins
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Navigating relationships while managing PMDD can reveal a complex interplay between emotional giving and receiving. This episode tackles an essential theme: the dynamics of givers and takers. If you've ever felt depleted despite your best efforts to support your partner, you're not alone.
Many individuals in PMDD relationships find themselves in a frustrating cycle where they continuously give without receiving the gratitude or reciprocation they deserve. Such dynamics can lead to feelings of entitlement from takers, leaving givers overwhelmed and emotionally drained. We delve deeply into how these patterns can become distorted, particularly during critical phases such as the luteal phase, where symptoms of PMDD can exacerbate the struggles.
Listeners will gain valuable insight into how to identify whether they are acting as a giver or a taker in their relationships. The discussion emphasizes the importance of recognizing emotional needs and setting healthy boundaries. By fostering open lines of communication and practicing empathy, partners can begin to dismantle toxic patterns that lead to resentment and burnout.
Are you ready to explore how your giving nature might be affecting your relationships or how your partner's taker mentality could be impacting you? Join us in this insightful journey and discover ways to foster mutual support and healing within your PMDD relationship. Don't forget to subscribe and share your thoughts or your unique experiences in the comments!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Today I want to talk about this phrase that has come
up with me and my best friend sooften that I just felt like we
really need to talk about thisand I realized this and that was
coming up a lot in PMDDrelationships and the phrase is
takers don't have any limits andneither do givers.
(00:22):
I was just talking about a lotof my past relationships and her
past relationships too, and wewere saying that you know why
does it feel like we're alwaysput in this situation where
we're giving and we're givingand we're giving and the people
that we're giving to are noteven appreciating what we're
(00:42):
giving.
There's almost this level ofentitlement after you know, the
beginning of kind of likerecognizing how we are.
And the entitlement which isone of the biggest things that
does the most damage in a lot ofPMDD relationships is just that
expectation that whatever it isthat you're giving, you're
always going to give it and youshouldn't expect anything in
return and there's not thisreciprocity.
(01:03):
It's almost like in thebeginning, because I feel like
as a giver, you wouldn't be withsomeone who you originally
thought was a taker.
So I think there's a level ofin the beginning maybe your
partner showed appreciation forthings that you were saying and
doing and then over time, yourefforts became expected and it
feels different when you'redoing something for someone and
(01:23):
it's expected versus why I feellike they genuinely appreciate
the things that I'm doing.
If I feel like someonegenuinely appreciates the things
that I'm doing, then I'm goingto want to continue to do them.
In this instance it was like Ijust felt like I was giving and
giving and giving and even tothe point of depletion, like I
remember having these points inmy past relationships where I
(01:46):
was depleted, specifically in myluteal phase I really just
didn't have more in me and Iknew that my partner knew I
didn't have more in me.
Like that's the thing.
I knew that they knew that howI was supporting them, what I
was doing for them, wasdepleting me, but they almost
didn't feel bad about continuingto take, and continuing to take
(02:08):
it at the cost of not only mypeace, but just at the cost of
my sanity.
What I mean by that is therewere specific times where I was
doing things for partners that Iwas depleted.
I know that they knew I wasdepleted and they kept asking
for more kind of like I call itsqueezing the tube of toothpaste
when you know there's no moretoothpaste in there, but you
(02:28):
squeeze it over and see how muchmore can I get out of this?
And a lot of times this canhappen towards the end of a PMDD
relationship, where they knowthat they're going to break up
with you and so they try to getwhatever that they can get out
of you before you break up.
And this can happen consciouslyor subconsciously.
It's kind of like hey, I knowthis is not going to work, but
like can you still do this forme?
(02:48):
Can you still do that for me?
Can you do things to make theirlife easier?
And they know that it's notbecause you're investing in the
relationship, because therelationship is over.
It's just like I want to stillhave the benefits of this
relationship even though I knowthat it's over, even though I
know that it's at the cost ofyour sanity, even though I know
that it's at the cost of yourpeace.
And so I wanna really talk toyou about this kind of
(03:12):
giver-taker dynamic that happensin PMDD relationships, because
it's a dangerous imbalance.
It really is a dangerousimbalance, and it occurs when
one partner, who is the taker,continuously takes emotionally,
physically, mentally while theother partner endlessly gives at
(03:33):
their own expense.
And I remember doing this onetime and I was like I'm doing
this for you and I'm doing thisfor you because you get burnt
out, right, you get really burntout and you start to think why
don't they appreciate me afterall I've done for them?
And I remember telling one ofmy exes like I've done all this
stuff for you and all thesethings, and you know what he
said.
He was like I never asked youto do that, because people who
(03:54):
are takers can get verystrategic about the manner in
which they take, meaning theydon't make it very obvious by
coming right out and asking forthe things that they want.
They'll make it seem like theirsituation is so distraughtful,
like they're in this hardposition and I've noticed this
specifically with finances Likethey'll just tell you all of the
(04:17):
things that are wrong withtheir situation financially.
I have this going on.
I have this.
I'm so stressed because of this.
So it kind of puts you in thissituation where, if you know
that they're stressed outfinancially and you feel like
you could do something to helpthem, you start to help them
financially.
So you're their partner, you'redating, you're whatever it is
dating, married in arelationship, and you start to
(04:37):
help them financially and yougive and you give and you give.
And then all of a sudden theyget to a better place in their
financial state and they don'tthink to show appreciation, they
don't think to repay you in anyway.
They just kind of think, oh,this is what they do, like this
person gives.
And so they continuously takeand take, and take, and then
they try to kind of siphon outother ways in your relationship
(05:00):
where they can do the same thing.
Maybe it's a physical aspect,maybe this is someone that
really, really loves physicalintimacy.
And so when you get in yourluteal phase and you're saying,
oh, babe, I'm so sick or my backhurts or all these things,
they're expecting for you tohave sex with them again and
again and again, and they'resaying, I want to get my needs
met.
I want to get my needs met.
It's all about me and my needs.
(05:20):
You know that's how they'reportraying it.
So you feel like you need toperform sexually for your
partner even though you'reliterally in pain during your
luteal phase.
(05:40):
I have also been in thissituation where it clear that if
I didn't give them the thingsthat they were asking or they
were desiring or they werewanting that my life would
literally be a living hellunless I gave them those
specific things.
And so I put myself insituations where, physically, I
was depleted with showingaffection in a sexual manner in
(06:04):
times that I just genuinelydidn't.
I wasn't into it, I had nodesire for it, and I felt like I
really felt like they knew.
I feel that's the part thatreally hurt me the most as a
giver is I felt like they knewthat I wasn't into it but they
chose to do it anyway, and that,for me, was one of the most
(06:24):
hurtful things, because I seesex as a way to connect with
your partner.
But for takers they don't careif you have any satisfaction
with an action that causes themto benefit from it, and I
realized how dangerous that was.
It's meaning, even if they feellike I'm not into it, even if
(06:44):
they feel like I'm not wantingto connect in that specific way,
they're willing to still desireand say, hey, let's have sex,
we should have sex, all of thesethings, even if it's not for
the need of connection, it's formeeting their own physical
needs.
And the same thing can happenemotionally, like if you feel
like you're emotionally drainedand you're like I just need to
rest, I just need to isolate fora little bit, I'm in my luteal
(07:06):
phase, or I can't talk aboutthis right now, or that's a
really hard conversation for me.
I can't really talk about it Ifyou're the partner that doesn't
have PMDD and you really put upthat boundary and say I'm just
not in a place to talk about itright now.
I'm not in a place where I canhave that really hard
conversation.
(07:26):
But maybe your partner has PMDDand they're in their luteal
phase and they're like no, weneed to talk about it right now.
So that taker is very wellaware of how much it's going to
take out of you in order to havethis conversation, how much
it's going to cause you tosuffer, and they're willing to
put you through it anyway.
Because in a lot of times, ifyou feel like there's going to
be no peace in your relationship, if your life is going to be a
living hell with your partnerunless you do those things, as a
giver, you're willing to dothat.
(07:47):
You're just going to be likeyou know what, let's have the
conversation or let's have sex,and the same thing can happen
mentally and you just literallyfeel mentally drained.
You come home from work You'vehad a really hard day at work
and your partner is saying Ireally need to talk about this
right now.
And you even explain to thembabe, I'm willing to talk about
this with you tomorrow, or maybe.
(08:09):
It's a really hard conversationand I've had a lot of my
clients, my private clients.
They'll be like let's not talkabout this right now, let's wait
until we get on the sessionwith Dr Rose and then we'll talk
about it.
And they literally like no, weneed to talk about it right now,
or else, or why don't you careabout me?
And they'll kind of startnagging and complaining and so
you're just like you know what,forget it, let's just talk about
(08:29):
it.
So, mentally, they're willingto drain you when you're already
feeling drained for the sake ofthey want to talk about it.
So with takers, it's all aboutthem and it really has nothing
(08:50):
to do with you or the state thatyou're in.
And so this is why it's such adangerous combination is because
they don't feel any remorse.
They don't feel any remorse,and how this really shows up in
your PMDD relationship is thetaker is really in a situation
where they are a partner whodon't set boundaries and expects
the PMDD partners to alwayscater to their needs.
Even during a difficult PMDDepisode even if you're really,
really suffering in your PMDDthat month, they're still
expecting you to give them thethings that they want and
(09:12):
someone who lacks empathy, whichis the opposite of what a
supportive PMDD partner does.
You know, if you have taken mycourse, my partner has PMDD.
Now what?
As the partner, you know theempathy is one of the four.
I have seven characteristics ofa supportive PMDD.
Now what?
As the partner, you know thatempathy is one of the four.
I have seven characteristics ofa supportive PMDD partner and
empathy is one of them.
Someone who lacks empathy anddemands you to have that
(09:34):
emotional energy withoutreciprocating is a taker,
because all they're doing isthinking about getting their
needs met.
They're not thinking about howmuch it's costing you.
They're just saying they don'teven really want to hear about
how much it's costing you.
So PMDD partner who is in PMDDand is constantly lashing out
(09:54):
but never taking responsibilityfor repairing the relationship
is another symptom of being ataker.
It's like, hey, you just haveto put up with whatever kind of
behavior I dish out to you inthe PMDD relationship.
I have PMDD, I'm in my lutealphase, right, so you just have
to take it.
And so they're putting you in aposition where you're feeling
(10:15):
the need to accept behavior thatis less than what you deserve
at the cost of being with them.
If you want to be with me, youpretty much have to put up with
this behavior with them.
Like, if you want to be with me, you pretty much have to put up
with this behavior.
And so the giver in the PMDDrelationship is a partner who is
so focused on helping theirPMDD partner that they're
neglecting their own needs.
And I've been into this placespecifically when it comes to
(10:37):
kind of getting to that partwhere I was trying to save my
relationship.
I was giving and giving andgiving and really thinking about
how many more ways that I couldgive.
I never felt like I was doingenough, because the taker never
really gave me that satisfactionof saying, yeah, this is what I
need, thank you for meeting myneeds in this way, or even
showing any type of appreciation.
So I was always feeling like Ihad to sacrifice my own peace to
(11:01):
avoid conflict, to avoid fightsin the relationship.
It's like I knew that I hadcertain things that I wanted to
bring up in the relationship,but my partner at the time was
making me feel like everything,every single time I wanted to
bring up an issue, that oh Iguess you want to fight with me,
I guess you want to argue withme, because they didn't have the
emotional maturity to deal withconflict.
They made it seem like everysingle time that I brought up an
(11:23):
issue, I was trying to fightwith them.
And I really wasn't trying tofight with them.
I was trying to address theconflict, but a taker will make
you feel bad about doing thingsthat are actually even healthy
in the relationship.
And so I was really trying tofix the relationship and I was
trying to learn, you know,different tools of what I could
do to fix it.
And they didn't want to fix itbecause they didn't want to
(11:43):
address the conflict.
It was easier for them to justcover it up and to ignore it
because of their own lack ofemotional intelligence, but I
felt like I was doing somethingwrong by trying to consistently
address it.
And so this is where this giverand taker mentality can really
impact the relationship, because, as the giver, you're willing
to shut up about your needs.
You're willing to stuff it downand stuff it down and stuff it
(12:05):
down and not talk about it andnot talk about it.
But here's what I want you toknow and this is what I learned
the hard way Not talking aboutyour issues in the PMDD
relationship doesn't make themgo away.
It almost makes them worse,because PMDD tries to rip the
blanket off of all of the issuesthat you have.
It doesn't allow you to coverit up, and the more you try to
cover it up, pmdd is going tohave you have this effect, this
(12:25):
internal turmoil.
Your PMDD symptoms willliterally be worse the more you
try to hold in the things thatare really bothering you in your
PMDD relationship.
You can't be fake and be inyour luteal phase and be in PMDD
.
This is why you have so manytimes where you just lash out
and you do all these things.
You're not necessarily lashingout about the one thing that
(12:46):
just happened.
You're lashing out about all ofthe things that you've been
holding in.
And you've been holding them inbecause you think that you're
doing the right thing.
Because, guess what, yourpartner doesn't wanna deal with
the conflict.
They don't wanna deal with theissues that you have in your
PMDD relationship.
So you think you're doing goingto explode from all of the
(13:10):
things that you've been holdingin in your PMDD relationship.
You will literally explode.
Think of it like water boilingover on the stove, like your
PMDD.
Every single day in PMDD it'sturning up the heat and it's
getting hotter, and it's gettinghotter and it's getting hotter.
I remember there's been times inPNDD where I've held in so many
(13:31):
things where my body literallyfelt hot when I was going on in
PNDD rage.
When I was going off, Iliterally felt my body was so
tense, I was literally shakingwith anger.
And it wasn't specificallybecause of this one situation.
It was months and months andmonths, or days and days and
days of issues that I justwasn't addressing because my
partner wasn't in a place ofwanting to address them.
So I felt like I couldn't.
(13:52):
And so a PNDD partner whoovercompensates after an episode
that's just what I used to do.
I used to overcompensate.
I used to feel so guilty and Iwas making up and apologizing
for things in my PNDBrelationship that I didn't even
do.
I was apologizing to my partnerjust to keep the peace for
things that they had actuallydone Like they're the ones that
(14:13):
hurt my feelings.
All I did was react to it andsay that my feelings were hurt,
and then, in turn, they lashedout at me and so I ended up
apologizing just to keep thepeace.
And it was at the cost of myown well-being, because when I
was at that point of apologizingfor things that I really didn't
do, it didn't feel good in mynervous system, and what I mean
by that is I was like I had thepiece of.
(14:36):
My partner was like oh yeah,it's OK, I forgive you, but I
felt horrible about myself.
My self-esteem really went downa lot because I wasn't being
honest with myself.
I was literally forcing myselfto be punished for things that I
wasn't being honest with myself.
I was literally forcing myselfto be punished for things that I
wasn't doing.
So the problem is, when takershave no limits, they will keep
draining you as the partnerwithout considering the toll
(15:00):
that it takes.
They don't have any limits.
There's no limit to whatthey're willing to take from you
, as long as it's meeting theirneeds, and a lot of these takers
have a lot of narcissistictraits because they're able to
remove their emotions fromtaking and they don't even feel
bad about it.
There's no remorse, there's nointimacy, there's no empathy,
there's no connection.
(15:20):
They're not connected to howit's hurting you.
They're seeing that you'rehurting, but they're not feeling
bad about it.
How it's hurting you.
They're seeing that you'rehurting but they're not feeling
bad about it, and so they don'thave any limits.
And when you're the giver andyou don't have any limits,
you're going to keep pouringinto the relationship and so
you're completely depletedmentally, physically and
emotionally.
Your body is going to betelling you we don't have any
(15:43):
more to give, and you're goingto be continuously trying to get
to that point of we don't haveany more to give, and you're
going to be continuously tryingto get to that point of no, I
have to give.
I have to give If I want tohave this kind of peace in my
relationship.
It's a false level of peace,because it's peace that is at
the price of you depletingyourself.
It's not sustainable.
(16:04):
You may be able to do this fora short period of time, but
eventually you're going to getto this point where you're going
to be like enough is enough.
And this is what's going tolead to the PMDD, monthly
breakups, where you're justgoing to be feeling the need to
get out of there.
You're going to feel like Ineed to get out of there.
I can't take this anymore,because you don't have any more
to give.
And they're going to becontinuously asking you, begging
you, give me this, I need this,I need this.
Every single thing is going tobe about them getting their
(16:25):
needs met, and I see this a lotin my private sessions, where
clients will even come to me andthere's one partner that's
still trying to get me to gettheir partner to meet their
needs and I'm like okay, I wantyou both to have your needs met.
But this is what we need to doto compromise.
We need to do this so that bothpeople are getting their needs
met, and it's kind of likethey're like, no, like I, if
they would just do this,everything would be fine.
(16:46):
For example, if they're likehey, if they just have sex with
me during the luteal phase,everything would be fine.
My love language is physicaltouch and I need them to be more
physically affectionate andI'll try to get to a place of
compromise and say, okay, well,maybe during the luteal phase,
when they're having these bodyaches and they're having this
body dysmorphia, where they'rereally not feeling good about
(17:07):
themselves.
What are some other ways thatthey could meet your needs?
That doesn't necessarily haveto resolve.
And it looking like sexinitially and they're just like.
There's kind of like no,budging on it.
It's like no, I just need sex.
This is what I need.
And so I'm going to give yousome signs of whether you are
the giver or the taker in yourPMDD relationship.
I know you may have listened tothose examples and you're like
(17:28):
I already know that I'm thegiver or maybe I'm actually the
taker, because what I will tellyou is a lot of times partners
can be takers and they're doingit subconsciously, meaning they
don't recognize the damage thatthey're doing.
They just think that they needto get their needs met and
they're not recognizing howthese traits are really damaging
their partners.
I they're not recognizing howthese traits are really damaging
(17:49):
their partners.
I want to help you to recognizeit, because it's not a matter
of you becoming a giver or youbecoming a taker.
It's a matter of recognizinghow much being a giver and a
taker are both equally damagingin your PMDD relationship.
I know a lot of times whenyou're the giver, you feel like
you're the better partner Like,oh, I'm doing the better thing
because I'm giving and givingand giving.
But if you're giving at thecost of your depletion, you're
(18:11):
just as bad as the taker.
And I'm going to repeat that Ifyou're giving at the cost of
you being depleted, you're justas bad as the taker.
It's doing just as much damagein the PMDD relationship because
it's not sustainable.
Being too much of a giver andtoo much of a taker is not
sustainable in your PMDDrelationship.
It's going to lead to the PMDDmonthly breakups.
(18:31):
It's going to lead to you beingdepleted.
It's going to add stress toyour PMDD relationship, which is
going to make your luteal phasea living hell because your PMDD
symptoms are going to be worseand everything is going to be
worse in your PMDD relationship.
So the signs of a taker in yourPMDD relationship is expecting
endless emotional supportwithout giving it back, and what
(18:52):
this means is you're wantingattention, affection, validation
.
You could care less what ittakes, as long as your partner's
mood is high, as long asthey're being happy and bubbly,
and all of these things.
This is what you're needing andyou're not asking for your
partner to give it to yousparingly.
You're demanding that they stayin that state the entire time
that they're in their lutealphase, for an example.
(19:15):
You vent about how hard PMDD is,but when your partner is
struggling, you dismiss theirfeelings.
You're talking about how hardPMDD is for you, and I've had a
partner do this where peoplehave asked me oh, you're in PMDD
, like how are things going?
And they immediately starttalking about how hard it is for
them that I am in PMDD as ataker.
You will literally feel likeyou're the victim in PMDD
(19:37):
because of how hard it is foryou, because your partner is not
meeting your needs the way thatyou need.
So instead of you recognizinghow much PMDD is hard for the
partner who's actually suffering, you start talking about
yourself like, oh yeah, everysingle time she's in PMDD, her
mood is so low, her vibe is sooff, it's just so hard for me.
I just want to be with someonewho's normal.
(19:58):
I just want to be with someonewho's happy and bubbly all the
time.
I just want to be with someonewho's like.
She is in her follicular phaseand I don't understand how I
have to deal with this, like Idon't even want to go out with
her because I feel like she's soemotionless when she's in PMDD
and it's just so hard for me.
So when you are a taker, allyou're thinking about is how
(20:19):
you're impacted by PMDD, howit's impacting your mood, how
it's impacting your vibe, howit's impacting you getting your
needs met.
So the next time that you're ataker in a PMDD relationship is
for the partner that has PMDD.
You're not takingresponsibility for your behavior
in PMDD.
So a taker will say you'rebasically blaming your partner
(20:44):
for triggering your emotionaloutbursts, instead of
acknowledging that you reactedbadly or you could have handled
that situation better.
Where, when you go into PMDDand you're the taker, you're
just pretty much saying I'm theone that's suffering in PMDD,
you're the one that's alwaystriggering me and triggering my
mood and triggering my PMDDsymptoms.
I would almost be better offalone.
So you're not recognizing thefact that you're the one that's
(21:04):
in your luteal phase and youcould have handled the situation
better.
You could have used some of myPMDD trauma transformational
tools.
You could have even reached outand said you know what?
I'm having a hard time managingmy rage.
I'm going to reach out to DrRose and have a session with her
and really work through a lotof what I'm going through.
Maybe you're having intrusivethoughts, maybe you're just
struggling a lot with gettingyour needs met in the
(21:25):
relationship, and so it'scausing you to act in a way that
is damaging in your PMDDrelationship and you're not
wanting to get help with it.
You're just blaming yourpartner and saying that they're
the reason why you are going offon PMDD rage.
And so the next way that youshow up as a taker in your PMDD
relationship is disregardingboundaries, and I've seen this
(21:45):
so often where your partner hasliterally put up a boundary and
said I can't talk about thisright now.
It's too much of a sensitivetopic, I'm too angry right now.
And instead of respecting theirboundaries when they ask for
space during an argument, youkeep pushing them to talk
because you need to be heard,because you want to get your
needs met of feeling heard andvalidated, and so you're
(22:07):
disregarding their boundarieswhere they're literally telling
you I don't have the emotionalbandwidth to talk about this
right now.
And instead of you respectingtheir boundaries and say you
know what, babe, that's okay,can we talk about this in an
hour, can we talk about this alittle later, or let's talk
about something else, or let'sdo something else.
Instead of respecting theirboundaries, as a taker, you're
going to push and push and pushyour partner to talk about
(22:28):
something and then, when they gooff, when they explode in rage,
you're going to blame it onthem and be like, oh my gosh,
look at you.
It's almost going to make youfeel better about going off on
PMPD rage.
When your partner goes off onrage.
Really, in reality, as the taker, you're the ones that caused
them to go off because youpushed their boundaries.
They told you they needed space.
(22:50):
They told you they needed towalk away.
You didn't let them walk away.
You forced them to stay in asituation that made them show a
behavior that they could nolonger control because you
disrespected their boundaries.
And instead of admitting it,all you're talking about is what
they said once you pushed them.
All you're doing is talkingabout what they did once you
pushed them.
You're not takingresponsibility and saying you
(23:11):
know what?
You told me.
You didn't have the emotionalbandwidth to talk about this
right now.
Or you asked for space, or youasked to walk away and I didn't
give you the space that youneeded.
So that's on me.
You're not going to takeresponsibility because you're
the taker and all you caredabout in that moment because you
could manage your own emotionswas feeling hurt.
And that leads into the nextone of being a taker.
(23:32):
You're using PMDD as a excusefor mistreatment.
You're using PMDD as an excusefor verbally abusing your
partner.
You're using PMDD as an excusefor physically abusing your
partner.
As an excuse for physicallyabusing your partner.
So, after saying hurtful words,you don't apologize and say you
don't apologize and say youknow what.
I shouldn't have said that toyou.
I didn't mean that You'retelling them.
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You know that's just my PMDDtalking.
You know I'm in my luteal phaseor you know that I'm going
through a lot right now.
You know I'm stressed out.
So instead of you takingpersonal responsibility and
accountability for your actionsand the way that it hurt your
partner, you're just you'rebeing a taker and you're saying,
oh, pmdd is the excuse.
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And so the next way that youshow signs of being a taker're
expressing some kind ofstruggles.
You immediately shift theconversation to how PMDD affects
you instead.
So if your partner is saying,when you shut down in PMDD or
when you're not showing meaffection in PMDD, it really
hurts my feelings, you starttalking about how much PMDD is
bothering you.
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You know I'm struggling in PMDD, you know I'm going through
this and you start listing outall of your symptoms instead of
actually putting the attentionon your partner and saying babe,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I'mnot showing up to you in a way
that's really meeting your needs.
You know, I understand thatthis is really really hard for
you, but what is it that I cando now?
Like I'm going to try my bestto be there for you, like I'm
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going to try my best to be therefor you, instead of you coming
outside of yourself, you'reletting your pride and ego come
in and you're showing signs ofbeing a taker in your PMDB
relationship.
The next thing is rarely showingappreciation for your partner's
support.
So this is something that meand my best friend were talking
about, where she was feelinglike she was giving and giving
and giving to her partner, andthey never really showed
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appreciation.
And she's like you know what?
I don't mind giving, I'm agiver, I don't mind doing it.
It's just he's at this level ofexpecting it.
It's almost like there's alevel of entitlement.
They're not showingappreciation.
Your partner comforts you everymonth, but you never
acknowledge how hard it is forthem too.
So in your PMDD relationshipyou're just like I see this so
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often on a lot of the PMDDforums where they're like, oh,
my poor husband or my poor wife,you know, they deal with so
much of PMDD, so you're willingto tell other people how
horrible it is for your spouseor how horrible it is for your
boyfriend and girlfriend in PMDD, but you're not really showing
them outwardly, showing themappreciation for everything that
they put up with.
When you go into PMDD You'rejust saying, oh, my poor husband
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or my poor this they deal withso much, but you're not willing
to do anything to help them.
You're not saying I know it'sreally hard for you.
One of the things that has beenso helpful since I've come out
with the course my Partner hasPMDD.
Now what is?
A lot of the partners who havePMDD are actually getting the
course for their partner.
They're like I know PMDD isreally, really hurting my
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partner and I know that they'regoing through a lot.
I'm going to go ahead and getthis course for them so that
they can learn the tools on howto manage being a PMDD partner,
not only so that they can be amore supportive PMDD partner to
me, but for them to feel seen,heard and validated for their
experience as a PMDD partner.
So if that's a course that youknow that your partner can
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benefit from, where they'reactually going to get the tools
on how to survive being apartner of someone who has PMDD,
then you can go toinlovewithpmddcom and get that
course.
My partner has PMDD.
Now what, as a way of showingyou know what?
I know that my partner is goingthrough a lot and instead of me
just expecting them to just putup with it month after month
after month, I'm actually goingto do something that's going to
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actually help them.
And so the next way that youcould show up as a taker in your
PMDD relationship is expectingyour partner to fix you.
For an example, you get upsetwhen your partner doesn't
immediately know how to make youfeel better during PMDD, and
I've seen this so often whereit's like I need my partner to
be more supportive.
I need my partner to be moresupportive, and I always say to
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clients what does that look like?
And you're just like I don'tknow what that looks like, but I
know that they're not doing it.
So you're willing to blame andcriticize your partner for not
being supportive withoutactually giving them the tools
on how to be a supportive PMDDpartner.
Again, this goes right back tothe course You're saying that
you want them to be moresupportive, you're criticizing
them for not being supportive,but when it comes to actually
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giving them the tools, you'renot willing to support them.
You're expecting them to justfigure it out.
And here's the thing about PMDD.
This is not something that youjust figure out.
It's not something that justmagically comes to you.
I have stuck with PMDD for over19 years and I'm still
discovering ways to manage PMDDin relationships, and I got my
doctorate, went to school and alot of the things that I've
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learned didn't come from thetextbook.
It came from actual partners ofindividuals who suffer with
PMDD.
And actually everything thatI've been through and clients
have been through was sufferingwith PMDD.
It's not something that reallycomes to you and you can't just
expect your partner to justmagically know how to be more
supportive with PMDD when you'restill figuring out how to
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manage PMDD.
And the next way that you showup as being a taker is you're
dismissing your partner's needswhen you say I need to take care
of myself, I'm the onesuffering in PMDD.
I don't have time to deal withyour needs and my own when
you're getting to that place offeeling like you don't have
enough bandwidth to managewhat's going on with your PMDD
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and your partner.
Why are you in a PMDDrelationship if you're only
feeling responsible for your ownemotions, if you're not feeling
the way of, hey, I'm going totake my partner's emotions into
consideration?
A taker won't do that.
They're just worried aboutthemselves and what they're
going on in PMDD or what they'restruggling with in the luteal
phase and how they're showing upand how they're not getting
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their needs met with in theluteal phase and how they're
showing up and how they're notgetting their needs met.
And the next thing is gettingdefensive instead of listening.
Whenever your partner istelling you hey, this really
hurt my feelings or I reallydidn't appreciate when you did
this.
When your partner is reallyexpressing to you what's really
going on with them, you shutthem down and just saying, oh,
you're being so dramatic oryou're overly sensitive, like I
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didn't even mean to say it, likethat.
You're just taking everythingso sensitively because you're on
PMDD and you're dismissing.
What they're literally tellingyou is bothering them and this
is going to make them shut down.
They're not going to be,they're not going to want to be
open and intimate with youanymore, or even tell you how
they feel it, because you'rejust going to get defensive and
you're going to take everythingthat they're saying as criticism
.
And the last way that you showup as a taker is you're taking
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their patience for granted.
You assume that they're alwaysgoing to be there, no matter how
much you push them away duringPMDD, without considering that
they have a breaking point.
And I really resonate with thisone, because I was that person
that was patient and patient,and patient, and I was giving
and giving and giving until oneday I just had nothing left to
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give.
And I never believed that anyof my partners that I've broken
up with because I've had thisgiver and taker mentality in the
relationship I don't believethat they ever thought I was
going to go anywhere.
I always believed that theythought, oh, this is just who
she is, she's always going to belike this, and they didn't feel
the need to make any changesbecause I had put up with so
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much and I actually don't blamethem Like if someone had taken
all of the things that I hadtaken, I wouldn't think that
they were going anywhere either,but I want to let you know
everybody has a breaking pointin a PMDD relationship.
Everybody has a breaking pointin a PMDD relationship.
Everybody has a breaking point.
And so here's what I want totell you is these are signs that
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you are a giver in your PMDDrelationship.
This is you're alwaysprioritizing your partner's
needs over your own.
For example, you will cancelyour self-care plans to comfort
your PMDD partner, even when youare emotionally drained.
So the way this showed up forme because I am a giver again,
like I said in the beginning,there's no one is not better
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than the other, and I knowthere's a lot of egotistical
kind of mindset where you can belike, oh, I'm better because
I'm the giver.
No, it's just this damaging.
I was doing my PMDD partner'smorning routine and it began to
trigger my PMDD partner that Ihad at the time, because that
time that I was doing during myPMDD partner's morning routine,
my partner wanted me to givethem that attention, and so I
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started to stop doing my PMDDpartner's morning routine, even
though it was something that Iknew that made my PMDD symptoms
better.
Right now, to this day, I cantell you that one of the best
ways that I manage my PNDDsymptoms is by sticking with my
PNDD partner's morning routine,whether I feel like it or not.
And I had gotten to this pointwhere I was like they keep
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complaining about my PNDDpartner's morning routine so
much that I'm going to stopdoing it, and so I stopped doing
it for a couple of days.
I felt the difference in mybody.
I felt the difference in mymind.
I felt myself going down.
I felt myself going in thisdownward spiral, and it's almost
like I was going down because Iwasn't meeting my needs, I
wasn't doing my self-care, butmy partner was actually happier
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because they were getting theirneeds.
I was being more open to them.
I was giving them things that Igenuinely didn't have, and they
took it and took it and took it, and even when they recognized
that it was causing me to getdepleted, they just kept taking
it.
They just kept seeming morehappy, and so I felt like I
couldn't start doing my morningroutine again, because then they
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were not going to be as happywith me.
So I knew that I was depletingmyself at the cost of their
happiness, and I felt like I wasdoing the right thing.
I was like, well, as long asthey're happy, and it just
wasn't sustainable because Ibegan to get bitter and
resentful because when I don'tdo my PMDD partner's morning
routine, my symptoms are worseand it was showing up in my body
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.
It was showing up in my mood andit was taking more and more out
of me.
My fatigue was even worse, mymood, and it was taking more and
more out of me.
My fatigue was even worse.
My anxiety was horrible, sohorrible.
I have so much anxiety when Iwake up in PMDD and part of my
morning routine is it gets meout of my head and into my body
in a way that whatever it isthat I'm anxious about in my
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mind, I just work it out in mybody and then I don't have to
think about it.
But when I got to that pointand I stopped doing it, I was
about it, but when I got to thatpoint that I stopped doing it,
I was walking around all day.
I was carrying the weight of myanxiety.
When I was in PNBD I was notallowing myself to just take it
out on my body and just sweat itout.
A lot of times when I do myPNBD Partners morning routine.
I have negative thoughts.
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I wake up with a lot ofnegative thoughts and I wasn't
allowing myself to get out ofthat mindset.
I was just forcing myself tojust keep those thoughts in.
And so the next time thatyou're a giver is, you're
constantly walking on eggshellsto avoid conflict with your
partner.
It almost is this fear-basedmentality.
I began to be a little bitscared of the reactions of my
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partner.
There was a lot of fear ofhaving conflict in my PMDD
relationship because I didn'tlike what it looked like.
It didn't make me feel good.
So I started to suppress myfeelings to avoid triggering my
partner's mood, to avoidtriggering their criticism, to
avoid triggering theirdefensiveness.
Even when something was really,really bothering me, I started
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getting to this point ofavoiding talking about it
because I knew that it wasprobably going to trigger my
partner.
So I began to hold in a lot ofthe ways that I was really
suffering, because I didn't evenwant to tell my partner that I
was suffering in PMDD, because Ifelt like they were going to
use it against me.
They were going to start actingdifferently towards me if they
knew how much I was suffering inPMDD.
So I got to this place of almostpretending that I wasn't in
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PMDD when I was.
This was the hardest thing forme and this is why I knew that I
was getting in the depths ofbeing a taker is I was literally
pretending that I wasn'tsuffering in PMDD, smiling when
I didn't feel like smiling,laughing when I didn't feel like
laughing, doing all thesethings that I really didn't feel
like doing, just because I knewthat showing up in PMDD,
showing up in my luteal phase,triggered my partner.
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And this is what I mean byhaving someone that is
compatible for your luteal phase, your follicular phase, your
ovulation.
I was literally with a partnerthat I was only compatible with
in my follicular phase andovulation, when I was on my
period and menstruation and whenI was in my luteal phase.
We were not compatible becauseI had to hide that aspect of me,
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because I began to be ashamedof having PMDD and ashamed of
the fact that I was in my lutealphase, and even towards the end
, it got to the point where Iwas ashamed of being on my
period and my menstrual phasebecause I wasn't able to have
sex with them.
So because when I was on myperiod, if we would like start
to have sex or they wanted tohave sex and I was on my period
their mood would shift becausethey were a taker and they would
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almost be triggered by the factthat I couldn't have sex.
So I started to be ashamed ofhaving my period.
And this is why I said being agiver is just as bad as being a
taker, because I never thoughtit would get to that point where
I was literally ashamed ofbeing a woman at that point,
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because I just kept thinking ifI could just get rid of my
period.
I even Googled it.
I was like what can I do to getrid of my period?
And not because of the painthat I was going through in my
period, but because I knew whenI was in my period I couldn't
meet my partner's needs and thatwas going to be a trigger for
them.
So I literally was trying toget rid of being a woman.
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I was trying to get rid of mycycle, not for my own benefit
but for the benefit of my PMDDpartner.
And it was such a dangerousplace that I would hide having
cramps.
I would hide being bloated.
This was not a level of.
There was no intimacy in my PMDDrelationship because I could
never really be open.
I could never be open aboutwhat I was really going through
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in my PMDD relationship becauseI knew that by me being open
with my suffering, it was gonnacause them to look at me in a
way that they didn't desire me,they didn't love me, they didn't
care about me.
They only loved and cared aboutme and showed that when I was
acting bubbly, when I was actinglike I was in my follicular
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phase, when I was meeting theirneeds, because as a taker, you
tend to get rewarded.
You literally get rewarded formeeting their needs, meaning
they're nice to you, they'reloving to you, they're all of
these things.
When you give and give and giveand give, and when you stop
giving and they're still taking,they shut down on you and
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there's almost thisdismissiveness to what it is
that you're going through.
They can shut down the love.
They'll shut down the lovingwords that they say to you.
They'll shut down the lovingactions that they show to you,
because if you're showing thatyou're not meeting their needs
and you're not willing to givethem what it is that they want,
they stop showing that they loveyou.
And so I was consistentlywalking on eggshells.
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And then I also started to overcompensating after a PMDD
episode.
So after a fight that wasliterally caused by PMDD, I was
going out of my way to make upfor it, even when I had
apologized for my behavior andPMDD, and I got to the point
where I wasn't really going off,but I was just noticing that I
was acting more low in PMDD.
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My partner used to call itgoing internal.
I would start to overcompensatefor going internal, which I
later recognized that whenyou're in your luteal phase,
this is the time of your cyclewhere you are going to go
internal.
You're going to be more, maybemore disconnected, maybe more
quiet, maybe less bubbly.
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You have less energy, you havemore fatigue, and my partner
didn't like that.
And so when I would come out ofmy luteal phase and I would go
into my follicular phase, Iwould be overcompensating like,
oh, let's take a trip, let's gohere, let's do this Because I
was feeling guilty for how muchenergy I didn't have in PMDD,
that I was feeling to need tooverperform, so it even caused
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me to have a level of fatigue inmy follicular phase.
And then when I started to gointo PMDD, there would be this
level of feeling anxiety of like, oh my gosh, I'm going into my
luteal phase again.
I was fearing getting to thepoint where I was going to feel
like I had less energy because Iknew how much it triggered my
partner.
So I would do more for them andall of the other phases of my
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cycle to make up for having PMDDand even make up for having my
menstrual cycle, so I would havemore sex with them when I was
in my follicular phase, when Iwas in ovulation, not because I
genuinely wanted to, because Ifelt like I owed it to them.
I literally felt like I owed itto my partner to have sex with
them to make up for the timesthat I couldn't have sex with
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them when I was in my menstrualcycle.
This is how much this giver andtaker mentality is so damaging,
because you will literally feellike you have to pay your
partner back for the level ofsuffering that you were going
through in different phases ofyour cycle.
For the partner that doesn'thave PMDD.
Maybe you feel like PMDD wastoo much for you one month and
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you needed more space and youjust needed to take time as a
partner to just recuperate fromthe hurtful words that were said
to you, and so you feel theneed to take time to recover and
you feel bad for it.
You feel bad for taking thetime to recover from the hurtful
words that your partner said toyou when they went off on you
on PMDD Rage, and you're tryingto force yourself to get over it
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and force yourself to be backon the same page.
Instead of taking the time thatyou need to process the things
that really happened to youduring those PMDD fights and
arguments, instead of givingyourself that time to heal, you
get to this point where it'sgoing to the next one, where
you're feeling guilty forsetting boundaries.
You, as a partner, you may feelreally guilty for setting
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boundaries and saying, hey, babe, I need some time after PMDD to
recover Because you going intoyour luteal phase and you saying
hurtful words to me or yougoing off on me or you being
verbally and physically abusivewas really, really hard for me
and I get it that you're out ofit.
I get it that you snapped out ofit.
I get it that you're out ofPMDD, but that was really hard
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for me and so you're feelingguilty that you need to say I
need some space right nowbecause your partner's upset,
because your partner's wantingyou to just snap out of it.
Your partner's wanting you tojust act like nothing happened.
And so you get to the pointwhere you're a giver, where
you're ignoring your ownemotional needs.
You never express when you'rereally, really hurting because
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you believe that your partner ismore important than you are.
Your partner who has PMDD ismore important than you are.
Your partner who doesn't havePMDD is more important than you
are.
Your partner's needs andemotions and struggles are more
important than you are.
And you beat yourself up andliterally feel like you should
just be able to take it.
You should be able to take itand take it and take it and not
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be in this place of having yourown emotional needs met, like
you should be able to justendure it and not even bring up
how much it's causing you tosuffer.
And so the next way that youknow that you're a giver is
you're taking responsibility forthe whole relationship, every
fight, every argument that youhave.
You are taking responsibilityfor it as if it's all your fault
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, and I used to take pride indoing this.
I used to say you know what?
I'm not going to put it on myPMDD partner, because if I put
it on my partner, then I'mleaving all of the resolutions
that happen because my partnercomes up with a resolution.
But I'm going to be the one torepair this.
I'm going to apologize, I'mgoing to repair the argument,
I'm going to keep thisrelationship stronger together.
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And I think this was really hardfor me, especially being a
doctor, especially being acounselor and I have to
recognize this from pastrelationships and moving forward
, whenever there's conflicts andfights in any relationships
that I have, I feel the need tofix it and I feel like I should
be the one that has the answers.
I have the tools.
I went to school for this.
I literally had someone that Iwas dating say this to me like
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you're the counselor, like youshould know how to fix this or
you should be the one.
The taker was almost in therealm of like I'm not going to
do anything to fix this, likeyou need to fix it.
You went to school for this.
So it's kind of thiscondescending mentality that
your partner doesn't have to doany effort because you should be
the one to fix the whole thing.
And I took that on and I feltlike maybe this is my
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responsibility and again I didit in a way that wasn't
sustainable, because I couldn'tstick to this place of always
being the one to have theanswers, always being the one
that you know didn't express myneeds, always being the one
that's caring for everybody elseand never having someone just
stop and say how are you feeling, what are you doing?
I literally have to be withsomeone that is just as
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empathetic as I am, because if Ideal with a taker, they will be
expecting me to fix everythingwithin the PMDD relationship and
they'll just literally feel theneed to do nothing.
And the next way that you're agiver in your PMDD relationship
is you're feeling emotionallydrained, but you're still giving
more.
You're exhausted mentally,physically, emotionally, but you
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continue to try to beemotionally available for your
partner, even when you havenothing left to give.
I was in this place where I wasliterally feeling numb.
I was literally feeling soemotionally drained and I was
literally showing up physicallyhaving sex with my partner,
feeling numb, feelingdisconnected and then feeling
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proud of myself for doing it andfeeling like it was like a
to-do list, like a check theblock, that I was meeting their
needs.
I was taking pride in drainingmyself for my own partner's
benefit, because a taker willact so happy as long as you're
giving, and that's the way thatit's really, you know, a little
bit disturbing and that's why Isay it's so damaging is because
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the more you give as a giver,the more happy that they are
taking and you're going to beemotionally and physically
depleted.
I was physically giving to thepoint that my body was literally
shutting down.
I was so sore with having bodyaches because my body was
stressed out, because mentally Iwas stressed out and I was
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still giving.
I wasn't listening to my bodywhen it was saying rest.
I was like, hey, let's do this,I was overcompensating, let's
go do this activity, let's go dothis.
I almost wanted to disassociatea lot and do a lot of things
outwardly, to just disassociateand just pretend like I wasn't
suffering as much as I was.
And the next time that you knowthat you're a giver is you're
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sacrificing your own happinessto keep the peace.
There were so many times in PMDwhere I just wanted to rest.
I just wanted to go to the spa,I just wanted to relax.
I wanted to disassociate, notin a damaging way, I just wanted
to just shut everything off andjust have some peace to myself.
And I didn't do it.
So an example of this is yourpartner frequently cancels date
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nights during PMDD, but youdon't express any disappointment
because you don't want to hurtor upset them.
So you, as a partner, reallyknow that you need to connect
with your partner and everysingle time that your partner
goes into PMDD, they'recanceling date nights, they're
canceling all these ways ofconnecting with you.
And instead of you saying, babe, you know, I feel like we
really need this.
Is there some way that we cango to a date night and really
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just connect?
And it doesn't have to besomething that takes a lot of
energy, but I really do believethat we need to reconnect.
Instead of you mentioning yourneeds as the giver, you're like
sure we can cancel date night.
Meanwhile, you don't have anyof your needs for intimacy, any
of your emotional needs beingmet, because you're constantly
allowing them to cancel thingsthat really are taking away all
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of your connection and all ofyour intimacy.
And then the next way that youknow that you're a giver in your
tolerating disrespectful orhurtful behavior meaning your
partners there's something meanto you and instead of addressing
it, you just start to dismissit, and I've.
I've had this happen where mypartner said really at the time,
has said really disrespectfulthings to me and instead of me
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addressing it, I'm just like, oh, they were just upset, or oh,
they were just mad, or oh, itwas probably because I was in
PNBD and I wasn't meeting theirneeds, and I started to make
excuses for my partner doingreally verbally abusive things
and you know, this really mademe take a big hit on my
self-esteem and my self-worth,which is why I'm in this place
in my journey of recovering fromthat, because I had gone so
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many years of acceptingdisrespect, accepting behavior
that I should have never, never,never accepted.
I should have stopped it wayearlier on.
But because I'm such a giver, Ilet them continuously
disrespect me and I made excusesfor it and said, oh, because
it's so hard for them, becauseI'm in PMDD, that I allowed them
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to talk to me like that and Iallowed them to give me these
half apologies but then do itagain and towards the end I
didn't even make them apologize,I didn't even require for them
to apologize for hurtful thingsthat they had said and done.
I just took it and just said,oh, that's just how they are,
and I made excuses for them.
And maybe you're the partnerthat is.
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Your partner went off on you inP&DD rage and instead of you
addressing it and saying, Ideserve better than that, you're
not going to talk to me likethat, you made excuses for them.
You said, oh, it's just theirP&DD rage and I know they're
just suffering so much.
And, oh my gosh, if they couldonly control their emotions,
they would.
And it's like no, no, no, donot make excuses and say that
just because your partner haspndd, that they cannot control
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their emotions.
I've been suffering with pnddfor over 19 years and I can
control my emotions when I'm inpndd.
Is it harder?
Yes, do I need to use tools inorder to do that?
Absolutely the only way that Iwould not control my emotions in
PMDD is I just didn't doanything about it and I let PMDD
take the wheel.
Earlier in my journey, Ithought that.
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I thought, oh my gosh, when Igo into PMDD, I can't control my
emotions.
So every partner that I'm withis just going to be subjected to
all of this verbal abuse.
That's just like saying I mightas well be single forever
because no one's going to put upwith that.
If someone came to me and toldme that they were bipolar,
taking PMDD out of it, andthey're like I'm bipolar and
every single month I'm going tolash out on you, or at random
times of the month, I'm going tolash out on you and I'm going
(49:36):
to disrespect you and sayhurtful words and curse you out
and be verbally and physicallyabusive, I would not stay in
that relationship.
I would not.
Who would sign up for that?
So when you're using P&DD as anexcuse for your partner or
yourself, it's because you'renot searching to get the tools.
Am I saying it's going to beeasy initially?
No, because it took a lot ofrewiring of my P&DD brain and
(49:58):
saying, okay, I need to get in apattern when I feel like going
off on my partner, this issomething that I need to do.
Instead, I had to give myself analternative, but I had to get
myself out of that victimmindset of just like, oh, when
I'm in P&D, I'm going to be thisanger, bitter person because,
guess what, I could control myemotions with my child.
I can control my emotions withmy clients.
I can control emotions with mycoworkers.
(50:20):
I can control emotions with myboss, I can control my emotions
with people in the grocery store.
Why can't I control my emotionswith my partner, who is
supposed to be the mostimportant thing to me, the most
important person to me?
So the last way that you showup as a giver is you're feeling
resentful but you're notspeaking up.
You silently feel resentfulbecause you give so much of
(50:41):
yourself to your partner, to therelationship, and you say, oh,
they're the ones struggling, soI shouldn't complain.
You're literally saying they'rethe ones that's going through
PMDD or they're the ones thatare struggling with being in a
PMDD relationship with me.
I shouldn't complain about it.
I want to tell you how damagingthis giver and taker mentality
(51:02):
is in your PMDD relationship andhow you can fall into the trap
that this is just how it's goingto be when you're in a PMDD
relationship.
You can literally begin tothink that it's normal.
You can begin to think thatthis toxicity and this giver and
taker mentality is normal.
This is going to be somethingthat we are going to be going
over in the PMDD Power Couplesmembership this upcoming month.
(51:24):
So, if you have not joined, goto the link in the show notes
and go to the link in my bio onInstagram.
Dr Rose underscore in love withPMDD is the same way on TikTok.
Go and get the tools on how toget yourself and really send
this episode to your partner.
Find that and then really behonest with yourself and ask
(51:46):
yourself this is your homeworkfor this episode.
Are you a giver or are you ataker?
I guarantee you if you're in aPMDD relationship, you're one of
the two.
Again, I'm not saying one isbetter than the other.
So don't be so prideful and belike I'm a giver, at least I'm
not a taker, or I'm a taker, atleast I'm not a giver.
That sounds horrible.
If you're a giver, that soundshorrible.
(52:06):
That sounds like you're adoormat.
Or if you're a taker, thatsounds like you're a narcissist.
It's not about blaming orshaming.
It's about recognizing whereyou are in your PMDD
relationship and committing togetting better by utilizing the
tools.
So if this is something that youknow that you need help with,
join the PMDD Power Couplesmembership.
Remember it is at the mostaffordable way to work with me
(52:28):
right now.
It is $50 off.
It's only $97 a month andyou're going to get weekly
sessions.
That's four sessions a month.
That's valued at $400 each andyou're getting them all in one
month.
Okay, so this is the mostaffordable way to work with me.
If you're my private client andyou want to go over this
episode on one of our privatesessions, then we could
(52:49):
absolutely do so.
If you need a private sessionone-on-one, go to
inlovewithpmddcom or the link inthe show notes to get those
private sessions if you want towork with me individually.
But until next time we got this, I love you.
Today I want to talk about this phrase that has come
up with me and my best friend sooften that I just felt like we
really need to talk about thisand I realized this and that was
coming up a lot in PMDDrelationships and the phrase is
takers don't have any limits andneither do givers.
(00:22):
I was just talking about a lotof my past relationships and her
past relationships too, and wewere saying that you know why
does it feel like we're alwaysput in this situation where
we're giving and we're givingand we're giving and the people
that we're giving to are noteven appreciating what we're
(00:42):
giving.
There's almost this level ofentitlement after you know, the
beginning of kind of likerecognizing how we are.
And the entitlement which isone of the biggest things that
does the most damage in a lot ofPMDD relationships is just that
expectation that whatever it isthat you're giving, you're
always going to give it and youshouldn't expect anything in
return and there's not thisreciprocity.
(01:03):
It's almost like in thebeginning, because I feel like
as a giver, you wouldn't be withsomeone who you originally
thought was a taker.
So I think there's a level ofin the beginning maybe your
partner showed appreciation forthings that you were saying and
doing and then over time, yourefforts became expected and it
feels different when you'redoing something for someone and
(01:23):
it's expected versus why I feellike they genuinely appreciate
the things that I'm doing.
If I feel like someonegenuinely appreciates the things
that I'm doing, then I'm goingto want to continue to do them.
In this instance it was like Ijust felt like I was giving and
giving and giving and even tothe point of depletion, like I
remember having these points inmy past relationships where I
(01:46):
was depleted, specifically in myluteal phase I really just
didn't have more in me and Iknew that my partner knew I
didn't have more in me.
Like that's the thing.
I knew that they knew that howI was supporting them, what I
was doing for them, wasdepleting me, but they almost
didn't feel bad about continuingto take, and continuing to take
(02:08):
it at the cost of not only mypeace, but just at the cost of
my sanity.
What I mean by that is therewere specific times where I was
doing things for partners that Iwas depleted.
I know that they knew I wasdepleted and they kept asking
for more kind of like I call itsqueezing the tube of toothpaste
when you know there's no moretoothpaste in there, but you
(02:28):
squeeze it over and see how muchmore can I get out of this?
And a lot of times this canhappen towards the end of a PMDD
relationship, where they knowthat they're going to break up
with you and so they try to getwhatever that they can get out
of you before you break up.
And this can happen consciouslyor subconsciously.
It's kind of like hey, I knowthis is not going to work, but
like can you still do this forme?
(02:48):
Can you still do that for me?
Can you do things to make theirlife easier?
And they know that it's notbecause you're investing in the
relationship, because therelationship is over.
It's just like I want to stillhave the benefits of this
relationship even though I knowthat it's over, even though I
know that it's at the cost ofyour sanity, even though I know
that it's at the cost of yourpeace.
And so I wanna really talk toyou about this kind of
(03:12):
giver-taker dynamic that happensin PMDD relationships, because
it's a dangerous imbalance.
It really is a dangerousimbalance, and it occurs when
one partner, who is the taker,continuously takes emotionally,
physically, mentally while theother partner endlessly gives at
(03:33):
their own expense.
And I remember doing this onetime and I was like I'm doing
this for you and I'm doing thisfor you because you get burnt
out, right, you get really burntout and you start to think why
don't they appreciate me afterall I've done for them?
And I remember telling one ofmy exes like I've done all this
stuff for you and all thesethings, and you know what he
said.
He was like I never asked youto do that, because people who
(03:54):
are takers can get verystrategic about the manner in
which they take, meaning theydon't make it very obvious by
coming right out and asking forthe things that they want.
They'll make it seem like theirsituation is so distraughtful,
like they're in this hardposition and I've noticed this
specifically with finances Likethey'll just tell you all of the
(04:17):
things that are wrong withtheir situation financially.
I have this going on.
I have this.
I'm so stressed because of this.
So it kind of puts you in thissituation where, if you know
that they're stressed outfinancially and you feel like
you could do something to helpthem, you start to help them
financially.
So you're their partner, you'redating, you're whatever it is
dating, married in arelationship, and you start to
(04:37):
help them financially and yougive and you give and you give.
And then all of a sudden theyget to a better place in their
financial state and they don'tthink to show appreciation, they
don't think to repay you in anyway.
They just kind of think, oh,this is what they do, like this
person gives.
And so they continuously takeand take, and take, and then
they try to kind of siphon outother ways in your relationship
(05:00):
where they can do the same thing.
Maybe it's a physical aspect,maybe this is someone that
really, really loves physicalintimacy.
And so when you get in yourluteal phase and you're saying,
oh, babe, I'm so sick or my backhurts or all these things,
they're expecting for you tohave sex with them again and
again and again, and they'resaying, I want to get my needs
met.
I want to get my needs met.
It's all about me and my needs.
(05:20):
You know that's how they'reportraying it.
So you feel like you need toperform sexually for your
partner even though you'reliterally in pain during your
luteal phase.
(05:40):
I have also been in thissituation where it clear that if
I didn't give them the thingsthat they were asking or they
were desiring or they werewanting that my life would
literally be a living hellunless I gave them those
specific things.
And so I put myself insituations where, physically, I
was depleted with showingaffection in a sexual manner in
(06:04):
times that I just genuinelydidn't.
I wasn't into it, I had nodesire for it, and I felt like I
really felt like they knew.
I feel that's the part thatreally hurt me the most as a
giver is I felt like they knewthat I wasn't into it but they
chose to do it anyway, and that,for me, was one of the most
(06:24):
hurtful things, because I seesex as a way to connect with
your partner.
But for takers they don't careif you have any satisfaction
with an action that causes themto benefit from it, and I
realized how dangerous that was.
It's meaning, even if they feellike I'm not into it, even if
(06:44):
they feel like I'm not wantingto connect in that specific way,
they're willing to still desireand say, hey, let's have sex,
we should have sex, all of thesethings, even if it's not for
the need of connection, it's formeeting their own physical
needs.
And the same thing can happenemotionally, like if you feel
like you're emotionally drainedand you're like I just need to
rest, I just need to isolate fora little bit, I'm in my luteal
(07:06):
phase, or I can't talk aboutthis right now, or that's a
really hard conversation for me.
I can't really talk about it Ifyou're the partner that doesn't
have PMDD and you really put upthat boundary and say I'm just
not in a place to talk about itright now.
I'm not in a place where I canhave that really hard
conversation.
(07:26):
But maybe your partner has PMDDand they're in their luteal
phase and they're like no, weneed to talk about it right now.
So that taker is very wellaware of how much it's going to
take out of you in order to havethis conversation, how much
it's going to cause you tosuffer, and they're willing to
put you through it anyway.
Because in a lot of times, ifyou feel like there's going to
be no peace in your relationship, if your life is going to be a
living hell with your partnerunless you do those things, as a
giver, you're willing to dothat.
(07:47):
You're just going to be likeyou know what, let's have the
conversation or let's have sex,and the same thing can happen
mentally and you just literallyfeel mentally drained.
You come home from work You'vehad a really hard day at work
and your partner is saying Ireally need to talk about this
right now.
And you even explain to thembabe, I'm willing to talk about
this with you tomorrow, or maybe.
(08:09):
It's a really hard conversationand I've had a lot of my
clients, my private clients.
They'll be like let's not talkabout this right now, let's wait
until we get on the sessionwith Dr Rose and then we'll talk
about it.
And they literally like no, weneed to talk about it right now,
or else, or why don't you careabout me?
And they'll kind of startnagging and complaining and so
you're just like you know what,forget it, let's just talk about
(08:29):
it.
So, mentally, they're willingto drain you when you're already
feeling drained for the sake ofthey want to talk about it.
So with takers, it's all aboutthem and it really has nothing
(08:50):
to do with you or the state thatyou're in.
And so this is why it's such adangerous combination is because
they don't feel any remorse.
They don't feel any remorse,and how this really shows up in
your PMDD relationship is thetaker is really in a situation
where they are a partner whodon't set boundaries and expects
the PMDD partners to alwayscater to their needs.
Even during a difficult PMDDepisode even if you're really,
really suffering in your PMDDthat month, they're still
expecting you to give them thethings that they want and
(09:12):
someone who lacks empathy, whichis the opposite of what a
supportive PMDD partner does.
You know, if you have taken mycourse, my partner has PMDD.
Now what?
As the partner, you know theempathy is one of the four.
I have seven characteristics ofa supportive PMDD.
Now what?
As the partner, you know thatempathy is one of the four.
I have seven characteristics ofa supportive PMDD partner and
empathy is one of them.
Someone who lacks empathy anddemands you to have that
(09:34):
emotional energy withoutreciprocating is a taker,
because all they're doing isthinking about getting their
needs met.
They're not thinking about howmuch it's costing you.
They're just saying they don'teven really want to hear about
how much it's costing you.
So PMDD partner who is in PMDDand is constantly lashing out
(09:54):
but never taking responsibilityfor repairing the relationship
is another symptom of being ataker.
It's like, hey, you just haveto put up with whatever kind of
behavior I dish out to you inthe PMDD relationship.
I have PMDD, I'm in my lutealphase, right, so you just have
to take it.
And so they're putting you in aposition where you're feeling
(10:15):
the need to accept behavior thatis less than what you deserve
at the cost of being with them.
If you want to be with me, youpretty much have to put up with
this behavior with them.
Like, if you want to be with me, you pretty much have to put up
with this behavior.
And so the giver in the PMDDrelationship is a partner who is
so focused on helping theirPMDD partner that they're
neglecting their own needs.
And I've been into this placespecifically when it comes to
(10:37):
kind of getting to that partwhere I was trying to save my
relationship.
I was giving and giving andgiving and really thinking about
how many more ways that I couldgive.
I never felt like I was doingenough, because the taker never
really gave me that satisfactionof saying, yeah, this is what I
need, thank you for meeting myneeds in this way, or even
showing any type of appreciation.
So I was always feeling like Ihad to sacrifice my own peace to
(11:01):
avoid conflict, to avoid fightsin the relationship.
It's like I knew that I hadcertain things that I wanted to
bring up in the relationship,but my partner at the time was
making me feel like everything,every single time I wanted to
bring up an issue, that oh Iguess you want to fight with me,
I guess you want to argue withme, because they didn't have the
emotional maturity to deal withconflict.
They made it seem like everysingle time that I brought up an
(11:23):
issue, I was trying to fightwith them.
And I really wasn't trying tofight with them.
I was trying to address theconflict, but a taker will make
you feel bad about doing thingsthat are actually even healthy
in the relationship.
And so I was really trying tofix the relationship and I was
trying to learn, you know,different tools of what I could
do to fix it.
And they didn't want to fix itbecause they didn't want to
(11:43):
address the conflict.
It was easier for them to justcover it up and to ignore it
because of their own lack ofemotional intelligence, but I
felt like I was doing somethingwrong by trying to consistently
address it.
And so this is where this giverand taker mentality can really
impact the relationship, because, as the giver, you're willing
to shut up about your needs.
You're willing to stuff it downand stuff it down and stuff it
(12:05):
down and not talk about it andnot talk about it.
But here's what I want you toknow and this is what I learned
the hard way Not talking aboutyour issues in the PMDD
relationship doesn't make themgo away.
It almost makes them worse,because PMDD tries to rip the
blanket off of all of the issuesthat you have.
It doesn't allow you to coverit up, and the more you try to
cover it up, pmdd is going tohave you have this effect, this
(12:25):
internal turmoil.
Your PMDD symptoms willliterally be worse the more you
try to hold in the things thatare really bothering you in your
PMDD relationship.
You can't be fake and be inyour luteal phase and be in PMDD
.
This is why you have so manytimes where you just lash out
and you do all these things.
You're not necessarily lashingout about the one thing that
(12:46):
just happened.
You're lashing out about all ofthe things that you've been
holding in.
And you've been holding them inbecause you think that you're
doing the right thing.
Because, guess what, yourpartner doesn't wanna deal with
the conflict.
They don't wanna deal with theissues that you have in your
PMDD relationship.
So you think you're doing goingto explode from all of the
(13:10):
things that you've been holdingin in your PMDD relationship.
You will literally explode.
Think of it like water boilingover on the stove, like your
PMDD.
Every single day in PMDD it'sturning up the heat and it's
getting hotter, and it's gettinghotter and it's getting hotter.
I remember there's been times inPNDD where I've held in so many
(13:31):
things where my body literallyfelt hot when I was going on in
PNDD rage.
When I was going off, Iliterally felt my body was so
tense, I was literally shakingwith anger.
And it wasn't specificallybecause of this one situation.
It was months and months andmonths, or days and days and
days of issues that I justwasn't addressing because my
partner wasn't in a place ofwanting to address them.
So I felt like I couldn't.
(13:52):
And so a PNDD partner whoovercompensates after an episode
that's just what I used to do.
I used to overcompensate.
I used to feel so guilty and Iwas making up and apologizing
for things in my PNDBrelationship that I didn't even
do.
I was apologizing to my partnerjust to keep the peace for
things that they had actuallydone Like they're the ones that
(14:13):
hurt my feelings.
All I did was react to it andsay that my feelings were hurt,
and then, in turn, they lashedout at me and so I ended up
apologizing just to keep thepeace.
And it was at the cost of myown well-being, because when I
was at that point of apologizingfor things that I really didn't
do, it didn't feel good in mynervous system, and what I mean
by that is I was like I had thepiece of.
(14:36):
My partner was like oh yeah,it's OK, I forgive you, but I
felt horrible about myself.
My self-esteem really went downa lot because I wasn't being
honest with myself.
I was literally forcing myselfto be punished for things that I
wasn't being honest with myself.
I was literally forcing myselfto be punished for things that I
wasn't doing.
So the problem is, when takershave no limits, they will keep
draining you as the partnerwithout considering the toll
(15:00):
that it takes.
They don't have any limits.
There's no limit to whatthey're willing to take from you
, as long as it's meeting theirneeds, and a lot of these takers
have a lot of narcissistictraits because they're able to
remove their emotions fromtaking and they don't even feel
bad about it.
There's no remorse, there's nointimacy, there's no empathy,
there's no connection.
(15:20):
They're not connected to howit's hurting you.
They're seeing that you'rehurting, but they're not feeling
bad about it.
How it's hurting you.
They're seeing that you'rehurting but they're not feeling
bad about it, and so they don'thave any limits.
And when you're the giver andyou don't have any limits,
you're going to keep pouringinto the relationship and so
you're completely depletedmentally, physically and
emotionally.
Your body is going to betelling you we don't have any
(15:43):
more to give, and you're goingto be continuously trying to get
to that point of we don't haveany more to give, and you're
going to be continuously tryingto get to that point of no, I
have to give.
I have to give If I want tohave this kind of peace in my
relationship.
It's a false level of peace,because it's peace that is at
the price of you depletingyourself.
It's not sustainable.
(16:04):
You may be able to do this fora short period of time, but
eventually you're going to getto this point where you're going
to be like enough is enough.
And this is what's going tolead to the PMDD, monthly
breakups, where you're justgoing to be feeling the need to
get out of there.
You're going to feel like Ineed to get out of there.
I can't take this anymore,because you don't have any more
to give.
And they're going to becontinuously asking you, begging
you, give me this, I need this,I need this.
Every single thing is going tobe about them getting their
(16:25):
needs met, and I see this a lotin my private sessions, where
clients will even come to me andthere's one partner that's
still trying to get me to gettheir partner to meet their
needs and I'm like okay, I wantyou both to have your needs met.
But this is what we need to doto compromise.
We need to do this so that bothpeople are getting their needs
met, and it's kind of likethey're like, no, like I, if
they would just do this,everything would be fine.
(16:46):
For example, if they're likehey, if they just have sex with
me during the luteal phase,everything would be fine.
My love language is physicaltouch and I need them to be more
physically affectionate andI'll try to get to a place of
compromise and say, okay, well,maybe during the luteal phase,
when they're having these bodyaches and they're having this
body dysmorphia, where they'rereally not feeling good about
(17:07):
themselves.
What are some other ways thatthey could meet your needs?
That doesn't necessarily haveto resolve.
And it looking like sexinitially and they're just like.
There's kind of like no,budging on it.
It's like no, I just need sex.
This is what I need.
And so I'm going to give yousome signs of whether you are
the giver or the taker in yourPMDD relationship.
I know you may have listened tothose examples and you're like
(17:28):
I already know that I'm thegiver or maybe I'm actually the
taker, because what I will tellyou is a lot of times partners
can be takers and they're doingit subconsciously, meaning they
don't recognize the damage thatthey're doing.
They just think that they needto get their needs met and
they're not recognizing howthese traits are really damaging
their partners.
I they're not recognizing howthese traits are really damaging
(17:49):
their partners.
I want to help you to recognizeit, because it's not a matter
of you becoming a giver or youbecoming a taker.
It's a matter of recognizinghow much being a giver and a
taker are both equally damagingin your PMDD relationship.
I know a lot of times whenyou're the giver, you feel like
you're the better partner Like,oh, I'm doing the better thing
because I'm giving and givingand giving.
But if you're giving at thecost of your depletion, you're
(18:11):
just as bad as the taker.
And I'm going to repeat that Ifyou're giving at the cost of
you being depleted, you're justas bad as the taker.
It's doing just as much damagein the PMDD relationship because
it's not sustainable.
Being too much of a giver andtoo much of a taker is not
sustainable in your PMDDrelationship.
It's going to lead to the PMDDmonthly breakups.
(18:31):
It's going to lead to you beingdepleted.
It's going to add stress toyour PMDD relationship, which is
going to make your luteal phasea living hell because your PMDD
symptoms are going to be worseand everything is going to be
worse in your PMDD relationship.
So the signs of a taker in yourPMDD relationship is expecting
endless emotional supportwithout giving it back, and what
(18:52):
this means is you're wantingattention, affection, validation
.
You could care less what ittakes, as long as your partner's
mood is high, as long asthey're being happy and bubbly,
and all of these things.
This is what you're needing andyou're not asking for your
partner to give it to yousparingly.
You're demanding that they stayin that state the entire time
that they're in their lutealphase, for an example.
(19:15):
You vent about how hard PMDD is,but when your partner is
struggling, you dismiss theirfeelings.
You're talking about how hardPMDD is for you, and I've had a
partner do this where peoplehave asked me oh, you're in PMDD
, like how are things going?
And they immediately starttalking about how hard it is for
them that I am in PMDD as ataker.
You will literally feel likeyou're the victim in PMDD
(19:37):
because of how hard it is foryou, because your partner is not
meeting your needs the way thatyou need.
So instead of you recognizinghow much PMDD is hard for the
partner who's actually suffering, you start talking about
yourself like, oh yeah, everysingle time she's in PMDD, her
mood is so low, her vibe is sooff, it's just so hard for me.
I just want to be with someonewho's normal.
(19:58):
I just want to be with someonewho's happy and bubbly all the
time.
I just want to be with someonewho's like.
She is in her follicular phaseand I don't understand how I
have to deal with this, like Idon't even want to go out with
her because I feel like she's soemotionless when she's in PMDD
and it's just so hard for me.
So when you are a taker, allyou're thinking about is how
(20:19):
you're impacted by PMDD, howit's impacting your mood, how
it's impacting your vibe, howit's impacting you getting your
needs met.
So the next time that you're ataker in a PMDD relationship is
for the partner that has PMDD.
You're not takingresponsibility for your behavior
in PMDD.
So a taker will say you'rebasically blaming your partner
(20:44):
for triggering your emotionaloutbursts, instead of
acknowledging that you reactedbadly or you could have handled
that situation better.
Where, when you go into PMDDand you're the taker, you're
just pretty much saying I'm theone that's suffering in PMDD,
you're the one that's alwaystriggering me and triggering my
mood and triggering my PMDDsymptoms.
I would almost be better offalone.
So you're not recognizing thefact that you're the one that's
(21:04):
in your luteal phase and youcould have handled the situation
better.
You could have used some of myPMDD trauma transformational
tools.
You could have even reached outand said you know what?
I'm having a hard time managingmy rage.
I'm going to reach out to DrRose and have a session with her
and really work through a lotof what I'm going through.
Maybe you're having intrusivethoughts, maybe you're just
struggling a lot with gettingyour needs met in the
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relationship, and so it'scausing you to act in a way that
is damaging in your PMDDrelationship and you're not
wanting to get help with it.
You're just blaming yourpartner and saying that they're
the reason why you are going offon PMDD rage.
And so the next way that youshow up as a taker in your PMDD
relationship is disregardingboundaries, and I've seen this
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so often where your partner hasliterally put up a boundary and
said I can't talk about thisright now.
It's too much of a sensitivetopic, I'm too angry right now.
And instead of respecting theirboundaries when they ask for
space during an argument, youkeep pushing them to talk
because you need to be heard,because you want to get your
needs met of feeling heard andvalidated, and so you're
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disregarding their boundarieswhere they're literally telling
you I don't have the emotionalbandwidth to talk about this
right now.
And instead of you respectingtheir boundaries and say you
know what, babe, that's okay,can we talk about this in an
hour, can we talk about this alittle later, or let's talk
about something else, or let'sdo something else.
Instead of respecting theirboundaries, as a taker, you're
going to push and push and pushyour partner to talk about
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something and then, when they gooff, when they explode in rage,
you're going to blame it onthem and be like, oh my gosh,
look at you.
It's almost going to make youfeel better about going off on
PMPD rage.
When your partner goes off onrage.
Really, in reality, as the taker, you're the ones that caused
them to go off because youpushed their boundaries.
They told you they needed space.
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They told you they needed towalk away.
You didn't let them walk away.
You forced them to stay in asituation that made them show a
behavior that they could nolonger control because you
disrespected their boundaries.
And instead of admitting it,all you're talking about is what
they said once you pushed them.
All you're doing is talkingabout what they did once you
pushed them.
You're not takingresponsibility and saying you
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know what?
You told me.
You didn't have the emotionalbandwidth to talk about this
right now.
Or you asked for space, or youasked to walk away and I didn't
give you the space that youneeded.
So that's on me.
You're not going to takeresponsibility because you're
the taker and all you caredabout in that moment because you
could manage your own emotionswas feeling hurt.
And that leads into the nextone of being a taker.
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You're using PMDD as a excusefor mistreatment.
You're using PMDD as an excusefor verbally abusing your
partner.
You're using PMDD as an excusefor physically abusing your
partner.
As an excuse for physicallyabusing your partner.
So, after saying hurtful words,you don't apologize and say you
don't apologize and say youknow what.
I shouldn't have said that toyou.
I didn't mean that You'retelling them.
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You know that's just my PMDDtalking.
You know I'm in my luteal phaseor you know that I'm going
through a lot right now.
You know I'm stressed out.
So instead of you takingpersonal responsibility and
accountability for your actionsand the way that it hurt your
partner, you're just you'rebeing a taker and you're saying,
oh, pmdd is the excuse.
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And so the next way that youshow signs of being a taker're
expressing some kind ofstruggles.
You immediately shift theconversation to how PMDD affects
you instead.
So if your partner is saying,when you shut down in PMDD or
when you're not showing meaffection in PMDD, it really
hurts my feelings, you starttalking about how much PMDD is
bothering you.
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You know I'm struggling in PMDD, you know I'm going through
this and you start listing outall of your symptoms instead of
actually putting the attentionon your partner and saying babe,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I'mnot showing up to you in a way
that's really meeting your needs.
You know, I understand thatthis is really really hard for
you, but what is it that I cando now?
Like I'm going to try my bestto be there for you, like I'm
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going to try my best to be therefor you, instead of you coming
outside of yourself, you'reletting your pride and ego come
in and you're showing signs ofbeing a taker in your PMDB
relationship.
The next thing is rarely showingappreciation for your partner's
support.
So this is something that meand my best friend were talking
about, where she was feelinglike she was giving and giving
and giving to her partner, andthey never really showed
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appreciation.
And she's like you know what?
I don't mind giving, I'm agiver, I don't mind doing it.
It's just he's at this level ofexpecting it.
It's almost like there's alevel of entitlement.
They're not showingappreciation.
Your partner comforts you everymonth, but you never
acknowledge how hard it is forthem too.
So in your PMDD relationshipyou're just like I see this so
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often on a lot of the PMDDforums where they're like, oh,
my poor husband or my poor wife,you know, they deal with so
much of PMDD, so you're willingto tell other people how
horrible it is for your spouseor how horrible it is for your
boyfriend and girlfriend in PMDD, but you're not really showing
them outwardly, showing themappreciation for everything that
they put up with.
When you go into PMDD You'rejust saying, oh, my poor husband
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or my poor this they deal withso much, but you're not willing
to do anything to help them.
You're not saying I know it'sreally hard for you.
One of the things that has beenso helpful since I've come out
with the course my Partner hasPMDD.
Now what is?
A lot of the partners who havePMDD are actually getting the
course for their partner.
They're like I know PMDD isreally, really hurting my
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partner and I know that they'regoing through a lot.
I'm going to go ahead and getthis course for them so that
they can learn the tools on howto manage being a PMDD partner,
not only so that they can be amore supportive PMDD partner to
me, but for them to feel seen,heard and validated for their
experience as a PMDD partner.
So if that's a course that youknow that your partner can
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benefit from, where they'reactually going to get the tools
on how to survive being apartner of someone who has PMDD,
then you can go toinlovewithpmddcom and get that
course.
My partner has PMDD.
Now what, as a way of showingyou know what?
I know that my partner is goingthrough a lot and instead of me
just expecting them to just putup with it month after month
after month, I'm actually goingto do something that's going to
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actually help them.
And so the next way that youcould show up as a taker in your
PMDD relationship is expectingyour partner to fix you.
For an example, you get upsetwhen your partner doesn't
immediately know how to make youfeel better during PMDD, and
I've seen this so often whereit's like I need my partner to
be more supportive.
I need my partner to be moresupportive, and I always say to
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clients what does that look like?
And you're just like I don'tknow what that looks like, but I
know that they're not doing it.
So you're willing to blame andcriticize your partner for not
being supportive withoutactually giving them the tools
on how to be a supportive PMDDpartner.
Again, this goes right back tothe course You're saying that
you want them to be moresupportive, you're criticizing
them for not being supportive,but when it comes to actually
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giving them the tools, you'renot willing to support them.
You're expecting them to justfigure it out.
And here's the thing about PMDD.
This is not something that youjust figure out.
It's not something that justmagically comes to you.
I have stuck with PMDD for over19 years and I'm still
discovering ways to manage PMDDin relationships, and I got my
doctorate, went to school and alot of the things that I've
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learned didn't come from thetextbook.
It came from actual partners ofindividuals who suffer with
PMDD.
And actually everything thatI've been through and clients
have been through was sufferingwith PMDD.
It's not something that reallycomes to you and you can't just
expect your partner to justmagically know how to be more
supportive with PMDD when you'restill figuring out how to
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manage PMDD.
And the next way that you showup as being a taker is you're
dismissing your partner's needswhen you say I need to take care
of myself, I'm the onesuffering in PMDD.
I don't have time to deal withyour needs and my own when
you're getting to that place offeeling like you don't have
enough bandwidth to managewhat's going on with your PMDD
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and your partner.
Why are you in a PMDDrelationship if you're only
feeling responsible for your ownemotions, if you're not feeling
the way of, hey, I'm going totake my partner's emotions into
consideration?
A taker won't do that.
They're just worried aboutthemselves and what they're
going on in PMDD or what they'restruggling with in the luteal
phase and how they're showing upand how they're not getting
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their needs met with in theluteal phase and how they're
showing up and how they're notgetting their needs met.
And the next thing is gettingdefensive instead of listening.
Whenever your partner istelling you hey, this really
hurt my feelings or I reallydidn't appreciate when you did
this.
When your partner is reallyexpressing to you what's really
going on with them, you shutthem down and just saying, oh,
you're being so dramatic oryou're overly sensitive, like I
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didn't even mean to say it, likethat.
You're just taking everythingso sensitively because you're on
PMDD and you're dismissing.
What they're literally tellingyou is bothering them and this
is going to make them shut down.
They're not going to be,they're not going to want to be
open and intimate with youanymore, or even tell you how
they feel it, because you'rejust going to get defensive and
you're going to take everythingthat they're saying as criticism
.
And the last way that you showup as a taker is you're taking
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their patience for granted.
You assume that they're alwaysgoing to be there, no matter how
much you push them away duringPMDD, without considering that
they have a breaking point.
And I really resonate with thisone, because I was that person
that was patient and patient,and patient, and I was giving
and giving and giving until oneday I just had nothing left to
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give.
And I never believed that anyof my partners that I've broken
up with because I've had thisgiver and taker mentality in the
relationship I don't believethat they ever thought I was
going to go anywhere.
I always believed that theythought, oh, this is just who
she is, she's always going to belike this, and they didn't feel
the need to make any changesbecause I had put up with so
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much and I actually don't blamethem Like if someone had taken
all of the things that I hadtaken, I wouldn't think that
they were going anywhere either,but I want to let you know
everybody has a breaking pointin a PMDD relationship.
Everybody has a breaking pointin a PMDD relationship.
Everybody has a breaking point.
And so here's what I want totell you is these are signs that
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you are a giver in your PMDDrelationship.
This is you're alwaysprioritizing your partner's
needs over your own.
For example, you will cancelyour self-care plans to comfort
your PMDD partner, even when youare emotionally drained.
So the way this showed up forme because I am a giver again,
like I said in the beginning,there's no one is not better
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than the other, and I knowthere's a lot of egotistical
kind of mindset where you can belike, oh, I'm better because
I'm the giver.
No, it's just this damaging.
I was doing my PMDD partner'smorning routine and it began to
trigger my PMDD partner that Ihad at the time, because that
time that I was doing during myPMDD partner's morning routine,
my partner wanted me to givethem that attention, and so I
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started to stop doing my PMDDpartner's morning routine, even
though it was something that Iknew that made my PMDD symptoms
better.
Right now, to this day, I cantell you that one of the best
ways that I manage my PNDDsymptoms is by sticking with my
PNDD partner's morning routine,whether I feel like it or not.
And I had gotten to this pointwhere I was like they keep
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complaining about my PNDDpartner's morning routine so
much that I'm going to stopdoing it, and so I stopped doing
it for a couple of days.
I felt the difference in mybody.
I felt the difference in mymind.
I felt myself going down.
I felt myself going in thisdownward spiral, and it's almost
like I was going down because Iwasn't meeting my needs, I
wasn't doing my self-care, butmy partner was actually happier
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because they were getting theirneeds.
I was being more open to them.
I was giving them things that Igenuinely didn't have, and they
took it and took it and took it, and even when they recognized
that it was causing me to getdepleted, they just kept taking
it.
They just kept seeming morehappy, and so I felt like I
couldn't start doing my morningroutine again, because then they
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were not going to be as happywith me.
So I knew that I was depletingmyself at the cost of their
happiness, and I felt like I wasdoing the right thing.
I was like, well, as long asthey're happy, and it just
wasn't sustainable because Ibegan to get bitter and
resentful because when I don'tdo my PMDD partner's morning
routine, my symptoms are worseand it was showing up in my body
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.
It was showing up in my mood andit was taking more and more out
of me.
My fatigue was even worse, mymood, and it was taking more and
more out of me.
My fatigue was even worse.
My anxiety was horrible, sohorrible.
I have so much anxiety when Iwake up in PMDD and part of my
morning routine is it gets meout of my head and into my body
in a way that whatever it isthat I'm anxious about in my
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mind, I just work it out in mybody and then I don't have to
think about it.
But when I got to that pointand I stopped doing it, I was
about it, but when I got to thatpoint that I stopped doing it,
I was walking around all day.
I was carrying the weight of myanxiety.
When I was in PNBD I was notallowing myself to just take it
out on my body and just sweat itout.
A lot of times when I do myPNBD Partners morning routine.
I have negative thoughts.
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I wake up with a lot ofnegative thoughts and I wasn't
allowing myself to get out ofthat mindset.
I was just forcing myself tojust keep those thoughts in.
And so the next time thatyou're a giver is, you're
constantly walking on eggshellsto avoid conflict with your
partner.
It almost is this fear-basedmentality.
I began to be a little bitscared of the reactions of my
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partner.
There was a lot of fear ofhaving conflict in my PMDD
relationship because I didn'tlike what it looked like.
It didn't make me feel good.
So I started to suppress myfeelings to avoid triggering my
partner's mood, to avoidtriggering their criticism, to
avoid triggering theirdefensiveness.
Even when something was really,really bothering me, I started
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getting to this point ofavoiding talking about it
because I knew that it wasprobably going to trigger my
partner.
So I began to hold in a lot ofthe ways that I was really
suffering, because I didn't evenwant to tell my partner that I
was suffering in PMDD, because Ifelt like they were going to
use it against me.
They were going to start actingdifferently towards me if they
knew how much I was suffering inPMDD.
So I got to this place of almostpretending that I wasn't in
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PMDD when I was.
This was the hardest thing forme and this is why I knew that I
was getting in the depths ofbeing a taker is I was literally
pretending that I wasn'tsuffering in PMDD, smiling when
I didn't feel like smiling,laughing when I didn't feel like
laughing, doing all thesethings that I really didn't feel
like doing, just because I knewthat showing up in PMDD,
showing up in my luteal phase,triggered my partner.
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And this is what I mean byhaving someone that is
compatible for your luteal phase, your follicular phase, your
ovulation.
I was literally with a partnerthat I was only compatible with
in my follicular phase andovulation, when I was on my
period and menstruation and whenI was in my luteal phase.
We were not compatible becauseI had to hide that aspect of me,
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because I began to be ashamedof having PMDD and ashamed of
the fact that I was in my lutealphase, and even towards the end
, it got to the point where Iwas ashamed of being on my
period and my menstrual phasebecause I wasn't able to have
sex with them.
So because when I was on myperiod, if we would like start
to have sex or they wanted tohave sex and I was on my period
their mood would shift becausethey were a taker and they would
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almost be triggered by the factthat I couldn't have sex.
So I started to be ashamed ofhaving my period.
And this is why I said being agiver is just as bad as being a
taker, because I never thoughtit would get to that point where
I was literally ashamed ofbeing a woman at that point,
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because I just kept thinking ifI could just get rid of my
period.
I even Googled it.
I was like what can I do to getrid of my period?
And not because of the painthat I was going through in my
period, but because I knew whenI was in my period I couldn't
meet my partner's needs and thatwas going to be a trigger for
them.
So I literally was trying toget rid of being a woman.
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I was trying to get rid of mycycle, not for my own benefit
but for the benefit of my PMDDpartner.
And it was such a dangerousplace that I would hide having
cramps.
I would hide being bloated.
This was not a level of.
There was no intimacy in my PMDDrelationship because I could
never really be open.
I could never be open aboutwhat I was really going through
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in my PMDD relationship becauseI knew that by me being open
with my suffering, it was gonnacause them to look at me in a
way that they didn't desire me,they didn't love me, they didn't
care about me.
They only loved and cared aboutme and showed that when I was
acting bubbly, when I was actinglike I was in my follicular
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phase, when I was meeting theirneeds, because as a taker, you
tend to get rewarded.
You literally get rewarded formeeting their needs, meaning
they're nice to you, they'reloving to you, they're all of
these things.
When you give and give and giveand give, and when you stop
giving and they're still taking,they shut down on you and
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there's almost thisdismissiveness to what it is
that you're going through.
They can shut down the love.
They'll shut down the lovingwords that they say to you.
They'll shut down the lovingactions that they show to you,
because if you're showing thatyou're not meeting their needs
and you're not willing to givethem what it is that they want,
they stop showing that they loveyou.
And so I was consistentlywalking on eggshells.
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And then I also started to overcompensating after a PMDD
episode.
So after a fight that wasliterally caused by PMDD, I was
going out of my way to make upfor it, even when I had
apologized for my behavior andPMDD, and I got to the point
where I wasn't really going off,but I was just noticing that I
was acting more low in PMDD.
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My partner used to call itgoing internal.
I would start to overcompensatefor going internal, which I
later recognized that whenyou're in your luteal phase,
this is the time of your cyclewhere you are going to go
internal.
You're going to be more, maybemore disconnected, maybe more
quiet, maybe less bubbly.
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You have less energy, you havemore fatigue, and my partner
didn't like that.
And so when I would come out ofmy luteal phase and I would go
into my follicular phase, Iwould be overcompensating like,
oh, let's take a trip, let's gohere, let's do this Because I
was feeling guilty for how muchenergy I didn't have in PMDD,
that I was feeling to need tooverperform, so it even caused
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me to have a level of fatigue inmy follicular phase.
And then when I started to gointo PMDD, there would be this
level of feeling anxiety of like, oh my gosh, I'm going into my
luteal phase again.
I was fearing getting to thepoint where I was going to feel
like I had less energy because Iknew how much it triggered my
partner.
So I would do more for them andall of the other phases of my
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cycle to make up for having PMDDand even make up for having my
menstrual cycle, so I would havemore sex with them when I was
in my follicular phase, when Iwas in ovulation, not because I
genuinely wanted to, because Ifelt like I owed it to them.
I literally felt like I owed itto my partner to have sex with
them to make up for the timesthat I couldn't have sex with
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them when I was in my menstrualcycle.
This is how much this giver andtaker mentality is so damaging,
because you will literally feellike you have to pay your
partner back for the level ofsuffering that you were going
through in different phases ofyour cycle.
For the partner that doesn'thave PMDD.
Maybe you feel like PMDD wastoo much for you one month and
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you needed more space and youjust needed to take time as a
partner to just recuperate fromthe hurtful words that were said
to you, and so you feel theneed to take time to recover and
you feel bad for it.
You feel bad for taking thetime to recover from the hurtful
words that your partner said toyou when they went off on you
on PMDD Rage, and you're tryingto force yourself to get over it
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and force yourself to be backon the same page.
Instead of taking the time thatyou need to process the things
that really happened to youduring those PMDD fights and
arguments, instead of givingyourself that time to heal, you
get to this point where it'sgoing to the next one, where
you're feeling guilty forsetting boundaries.
You, as a partner, you may feelreally guilty for setting
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boundaries and saying, hey, babe, I need some time after PMDD to
recover Because you going intoyour luteal phase and you saying
hurtful words to me or yougoing off on me or you being
verbally and physically abusivewas really, really hard for me
and I get it that you're out ofit.
I get it that you snapped out ofit.
I get it that you're out ofPMDD, but that was really hard
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for me and so you're feelingguilty that you need to say I
need some space right nowbecause your partner's upset,
because your partner's wantingyou to just snap out of it.
Your partner's wanting you tojust act like nothing happened.
And so you get to the pointwhere you're a giver, where
you're ignoring your ownemotional needs.
You never express when you'rereally, really hurting because
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you believe that your partner ismore important than you are.
Your partner who has PMDD ismore important than you are.
Your partner who doesn't havePMDD is more important than you
are.
Your partner's needs andemotions and struggles are more
important than you are.
And you beat yourself up andliterally feel like you should
just be able to take it.
You should be able to take itand take it and take it and not
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be in this place of having yourown emotional needs met, like
you should be able to justendure it and not even bring up
how much it's causing you tosuffer.
And so the next way that youknow that you're a giver is
you're taking responsibility forthe whole relationship, every
fight, every argument that youhave.
You are taking responsibilityfor it as if it's all your fault
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, and I used to take pride indoing this.
I used to say you know what?
I'm not going to put it on myPMDD partner, because if I put
it on my partner, then I'mleaving all of the resolutions
that happen because my partnercomes up with a resolution.
But I'm going to be the one torepair this.
I'm going to apologize, I'mgoing to repair the argument,
I'm going to keep thisrelationship stronger together.
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And I think this was really hardfor me, especially being a
doctor, especially being acounselor and I have to
recognize this from pastrelationships and moving forward
, whenever there's conflicts andfights in any relationships
that I have, I feel the need tofix it and I feel like I should
be the one that has the answers.
I have the tools.
I went to school for this.
I literally had someone that Iwas dating say this to me like
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you're the counselor, like youshould know how to fix this or
you should be the one.
The taker was almost in therealm of like I'm not going to
do anything to fix this, likeyou need to fix it.
You went to school for this.
So it's kind of thiscondescending mentality that
your partner doesn't have to doany effort because you should be
the one to fix the whole thing.
And I took that on and I feltlike maybe this is my
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responsibility and again I didit in a way that wasn't
sustainable, because I couldn'tstick to this place of always
being the one to have theanswers, always being the one
that you know didn't express myneeds, always being the one
that's caring for everybody elseand never having someone just
stop and say how are you feeling, what are you doing?
I literally have to be withsomeone that is just as
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empathetic as I am, because if Ideal with a taker, they will be
expecting me to fix everythingwithin the PMDD relationship and
they'll just literally feel theneed to do nothing.
And the next way that you're agiver in your PMDD relationship
is you're feeling emotionallydrained, but you're still giving
more.
You're exhausted mentally,physically, emotionally, but you
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continue to try to beemotionally available for your
partner, even when you havenothing left to give.
I was in this place where I wasliterally feeling numb.
I was literally feeling soemotionally drained and I was
literally showing up physicallyhaving sex with my partner,
feeling numb, feelingdisconnected and then feeling
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proud of myself for doing it andfeeling like it was like a
to-do list, like a check theblock, that I was meeting their
needs.
I was taking pride in drainingmyself for my own partner's
benefit, because a taker willact so happy as long as you're
giving, and that's the way thatit's really, you know, a little
bit disturbing and that's why Isay it's so damaging is because
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the more you give as a giver,the more happy that they are
taking and you're going to beemotionally and physically
depleted.
I was physically giving to thepoint that my body was literally
shutting down.
I was so sore with having bodyaches because my body was
stressed out, because mentally Iwas stressed out and I was
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still giving.
I wasn't listening to my bodywhen it was saying rest.
I was like, hey, let's do this,I was overcompensating, let's
go do this activity, let's go dothis.
I almost wanted to disassociatea lot and do a lot of things
outwardly, to just disassociateand just pretend like I wasn't
suffering as much as I was.
And the next time that you knowthat you're a giver is you're
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sacrificing your own happinessto keep the peace.
There were so many times in PMDwhere I just wanted to rest.
I just wanted to go to the spa,I just wanted to relax.
I wanted to disassociate, notin a damaging way, I just wanted
to just shut everything off andjust have some peace to myself.
And I didn't do it.
So an example of this is yourpartner frequently cancels date
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nights during PMDD, but youdon't express any disappointment
because you don't want to hurtor upset them.
So you, as a partner, reallyknow that you need to connect
with your partner and everysingle time that your partner
goes into PMDD, they'recanceling date nights, they're
canceling all these ways ofconnecting with you.
And instead of you saying, babe, you know, I feel like we
really need this.
Is there some way that we cango to a date night and really
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just connect?
And it doesn't have to besomething that takes a lot of
energy, but I really do believethat we need to reconnect.
Instead of you mentioning yourneeds as the giver, you're like
sure we can cancel date night.
Meanwhile, you don't have anyof your needs for intimacy, any
of your emotional needs beingmet, because you're constantly
allowing them to cancel thingsthat really are taking away all
(47:02):
of your connection and all ofyour intimacy.
And then the next way that youknow that you're a giver in your
tolerating disrespectful orhurtful behavior meaning your
partners there's something meanto you and instead of addressing
it, you just start to dismissit, and I've.
I've had this happen where mypartner said really at the time,
has said really disrespectfulthings to me and instead of me
(47:26):
addressing it, I'm just like, oh, they were just upset, or oh,
they were just mad, or oh, itwas probably because I was in
PNBD and I wasn't meeting theirneeds, and I started to make
excuses for my partner doingreally verbally abusive things
and you know, this really mademe take a big hit on my
self-esteem and my self-worth,which is why I'm in this place
in my journey of recovering fromthat, because I had gone so
(47:50):
many years of acceptingdisrespect, accepting behavior
that I should have never, never,never accepted.
I should have stopped it wayearlier on.
But because I'm such a giver, Ilet them continuously
disrespect me and I made excusesfor it and said, oh, because
it's so hard for them, becauseI'm in PMDD, that I allowed them
(48:11):
to talk to me like that and Iallowed them to give me these
half apologies but then do itagain and towards the end I
didn't even make them apologize,I didn't even require for them
to apologize for hurtful thingsthat they had said and done.
I just took it and just said,oh, that's just how they are,
and I made excuses for them.
And maybe you're the partnerthat is.
(48:31):
Your partner went off on you inP&DD rage and instead of you
addressing it and saying, Ideserve better than that, you're
not going to talk to me likethat, you made excuses for them.
You said, oh, it's just theirP&DD rage and I know they're
just suffering so much.
And, oh my gosh, if they couldonly control their emotions,
they would.
And it's like no, no, no, donot make excuses and say that
just because your partner haspndd, that they cannot control
(48:53):
their emotions.
I've been suffering with pnddfor over 19 years and I can
control my emotions when I'm inpndd.
Is it harder?
Yes, do I need to use tools inorder to do that?
Absolutely the only way that Iwould not control my emotions in
PMDD is I just didn't doanything about it and I let PMDD
take the wheel.
Earlier in my journey, Ithought that.
(49:13):
I thought, oh my gosh, when Igo into PMDD, I can't control my
emotions.
So every partner that I'm withis just going to be subjected to
all of this verbal abuse.
That's just like saying I mightas well be single forever
because no one's going to put upwith that.
If someone came to me and toldme that they were bipolar,
taking PMDD out of it, andthey're like I'm bipolar and
every single month I'm going tolash out on you, or at random
times of the month, I'm going tolash out on you and I'm going
(49:36):
to disrespect you and sayhurtful words and curse you out
and be verbally and physicallyabusive, I would not stay in
that relationship.
I would not.
Who would sign up for that?
So when you're using P&DD as anexcuse for your partner or
yourself, it's because you'renot searching to get the tools.
Am I saying it's going to beeasy initially?
No, because it took a lot ofrewiring of my P&DD brain and
(49:58):
saying, okay, I need to get in apattern when I feel like going
off on my partner, this issomething that I need to do.
Instead, I had to give myself analternative, but I had to get
myself out of that victimmindset of just like, oh, when
I'm in P&D, I'm going to be thisanger, bitter person because,
guess what, I could control myemotions with my child.
I can control my emotions withmy clients.
I can control emotions with mycoworkers.
(50:20):
I can control emotions with myboss, I can control my emotions
with people in the grocery store.
Why can't I control my emotionswith my partner, who is
supposed to be the mostimportant thing to me, the most
important person to me?
So the last way that you showup as a giver is you're feeling
resentful but you're notspeaking up.
You silently feel resentfulbecause you give so much of
(50:41):
yourself to your partner, to therelationship, and you say, oh,
they're the ones struggling, soI shouldn't complain.
You're literally saying they'rethe ones that's going through
PMDD or they're the ones thatare struggling with being in a
PMDD relationship with me.
I shouldn't complain about it.
I want to tell you how damagingthis giver and taker mentality
(51:02):
is in your PMDD relationship andhow you can fall into the trap
that this is just how it's goingto be when you're in a PMDD
relationship.
You can literally begin tothink that it's normal.
You can begin to think thatthis toxicity and this giver and
taker mentality is normal.
This is going to be somethingthat we are going to be going
over in the PMDD Power Couplesmembership this upcoming month.
(51:24):
So, if you have not joined, goto the link in the show notes
and go to the link in my bio onInstagram.
Dr Rose underscore in love withPMDD is the same way on TikTok.
Go and get the tools on how toget yourself and really send
this episode to your partner.
Find that and then really behonest with yourself and ask
(51:46):
yourself this is your homeworkfor this episode.
Are you a giver or are you ataker?
I guarantee you if you're in aPMDD relationship, you're one of
the two.
Again, I'm not saying one isbetter than the other.
So don't be so prideful and belike I'm a giver, at least I'm
not a taker, or I'm a taker, atleast I'm not a giver.
That sounds horrible.
If you're a giver, that soundshorrible.
(52:06):
That sounds like you're adoormat.
Or if you're a taker, thatsounds like you're a narcissist.
It's not about blaming orshaming.
It's about recognizing whereyou are in your PMDD
relationship and committing togetting better by utilizing the
tools.
So if this is something that youknow that you need help with,
join the PMDD Power Couplesmembership.
Remember it is at the mostaffordable way to work with me
(52:28):
right now.
It is $50 off.
It's only $97 a month andyou're going to get weekly
sessions.
That's four sessions a month.
That's valued at $400 each andyou're getting them all in one
month.
Okay, so this is the mostaffordable way to work with me.
If you're my private client andyou want to go over this
episode on one of our privatesessions, then we could
(52:49):
absolutely do so.
If you need a private sessionone-on-one, go to
inlovewithpmddcom or the link inthe show notes to get those
private sessions if you want towork with me individually.
But until next time we got this, I love you.
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