Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Today I'm going to
ask you a very important
question that is really going tohelp you in your PMDD
relationship, and that is areyou the version of yourself who
would receive what you're askingfor from your PMDD partner?
Have you ever asked your PMDDpartner for more attention, more
(00:21):
affection, more validation,more love?
And you still feel like you'renot getting it.
So today's episode is reallygoing to challenge you with that
powerful question Are you theversion of yourself who would
receive what you're asking for?
So let me tell you about acouple that I worked with, sarah
and Jason.
(00:41):
Sarah has PMDD, she haspremenstrual dysphoric disorder,
and she came into our sessioncompletely heartbroken,
completely got permission toshare her story with her and
Jason today to really help you.
But she was saying all I wantis for Jason to hold me and tell
me everything's gonna be okay.
But when Jason tried to giveher that affection, that
(01:05):
attention, that attention, thatvalidation, she pushed him away.
She snapped at him, shecriticized him for the things
that he did, she blamed him forthe things that he didn't do,
and then she blamed him forbeing distant.
She didn't realize that herunhealed triggers from things
that had happened, traumaticthings that had happened in
(01:25):
their relationship wererejecting the very thing that
she was craving.
She was craving attention,affection and validation, but
when Jason went to give it toher, she was consistently
pushing it away.
And so Jason, her partner, whodoes not have PMDD he brought
his own baggage into therelationship.
(01:45):
He kept saying I just wantpeace, I just want to feel
respected, I just want respect,I just want to feel appreciated.
But when Sarah was calm, whenshe was loving, when she was
available during her follicularphase, he was emotionally
distant, waiting for the nextstorm that would happen in the
(02:05):
luteal phase, instead of beingpresent when she was in her
follicular phase and able togive him the things that he was
actually desiring.
His fear of getting hurt againmade him emotionally unavailable
during the good days too,during the follicular days.
So in today's episode, we'rereally going to unpack how both
partners whether you have PMDDor not can unintentionally,
(02:28):
subconsciously block the veryconnection that they crave.
So let's talk about how tobecome the version of yourself
who can actually receive thelove, the affection, the
attention and validation thatyou are actually craving within
your PMDD relationship.
And the first thing that I wantyou to really focus on is the
(02:49):
signs.
Remember, I'm always trying tobring awareness to the things
that are happening in your PMDDrelationship that are stopping
you from getting the things thatyou want, and so I'm going to
talk to you today about someways that you may be asking your
partner for certain things, butyou're not in a place to
receive them.
So the first way is that you saythat you want safety in your
(03:12):
PMDD relationship.
You say you want to feel seen.
You want to feel safe, but doyou create safety within
yourself?
So if you've ever took notes onepisodes, this one would be a
really good one, because it'sreally going to be very
reflective of some of the thingsthat I work with my clients.
What I have them do isanswering these questions.
You say you want to feel safein your relationship.
(03:34):
You say you want to feel seen,but do you create that safety
For the partner who haspremenstrual dysphoric disorder?
Are you expressing youremotions in a way that your
partner can stay with youemotionally or are you pushing
them away?
When you go into the fight modeor when you go into the freeze
mode, are you getting into thatplace where you're shutting down
(03:55):
, or are you staying open toyour partner while you're in
your luteal phase.
You're in your luteal phase andfor the partner that doesn't
have PMDD, are you reacting withcontrol of your emotions or
fear that your partner is goingto go off on PMDD rage, or are
you offering a calm presence?
A lot of times, you really haveto ask yourself this question
(04:18):
because you're saying you wantto feel safe, you don't want to
feel on edge, you don't want tofeel this fear, but what kind of
environment are you setting foryour partner to get into in
order for you to receive thething that you're asking?
And so the next thing is you'resaying that you want to feel
seen, but are you willing to bevulnerable?
You want your partner to getyou.
(04:40):
You want your partner to seeyou.
So, for the partner that hasPNDDD, are you hiding behind
anger and past traumatic eventsthat have happened, or are you
shutting down when your partnertries to be vulnerable and open
with you about things that havehappened in the relationship, or
are you letting your partner into the pain and fear that you
may be feeling?
(05:00):
Vulnerability looks like.
I'm really scared that we'regoing to have a fight like we
had last month, and I don't wantto.
I don't want to go there.
I don't want to talk to you theway I talk to you.
I don't want you to talk to methe way that you talk to me.
I don't want any of that tohappen again.
I just want to have a reallygood month with you.
That's vulnerability Shuttingdown and having anger is not
(05:22):
talking about it, and then yourpartner noticing that you feel
off and they're saying what'swrong and you're like I'm fine,
I'm fine, I'm fine.
You're consistently shuttingdown instead of being really
open about the fear that you maybe feeling.
And for the partner thatdoesn't have PMDD, are you truly
curious about who your partneris beyond their premenstrual
(05:44):
dysphoric disorder symptoms, orare you only reacting to the
surface?
Are you saying that everythinghas to do with PMDD?
Are you really curious to sayis this the issue that you
really have with me?
You know, is this somethingthat you really feel I need to
work on, or are you blamingeverything on PMDD?
Vulnerability would say I knowI'm not perfect, I know I don't
(06:05):
handle everything perfectly inthis relationship and if there's
something that I need to workon, I'm open to you letting me
know what that is.
I want to be better in thisrelationship and if there's
something that I can do, pleaselet me know.
That means that you're open andyou're vulnerable and you're
not just blaming everything onPMDD, because that's a cop-out.
So the next thing is you'recraving attention and affection,
(06:28):
but I'm asking you are youpushing it away when it's
offered to you?
But for the partner that hasPMDD, do you get defensive or
reject closeness when you're inPMDD and then later resent the
distance?
Later on you're saying, oh, wenever hold hands or we're never
cuddling, or we're never that.
But then when you get into thebed and your partner tries to
(06:48):
cuddle with you, you say you'retoo hot, you say you're too
tired.
You have all of these excusesas to why you're not
affectionate.
Do you not have affection inyour relationship?
Because when it's offered, youreject it, and then your partner
has gotten so tired of tryingto come on to you, of trying to
initiate affection becausethey're always getting rejected,
that now they're just not doingit anymore.
(07:10):
If your partner is notinitiating any sign of affection
, could it be because they'vebeen rejected so many times?
And for the partner that doesn'thave PMDD, are you withholding
affection as a sign ofpunishment for past behavior.
Maybe they talked to you crazywhen they went off on PMDD rage
and now they're trying to beaffectionate and you're
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withholding it and you're notgiving a consistent expression
of love.
You're not consistently beingaffectionate towards them
because you're still thinkingabout how they talked to you in
the luteal phase and all of thethings that they said to you
that you really haven't gottenover and you really haven't
processed.
But then when you look back onit, you're like oh, there's no
affection in our relationship,there's no intimacy.
Could it be that there's nointimacy because when it was
(07:53):
offered to you, you rejected itbecause of something that you
didn't process in the past?
Ask yourself these questions,because a lot of times when you
ask yourself this, you may bethinking that you have a problem
with your partner, but it'sreally a problem with what
you're willing to receive.
So you say that you wantvalidation, but are you open to
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it?
You say that you want yourpartner to validate you
compliment, you give you wordsof affirmation, but as soon as
they say nice things about you,you say, oh, you don't mean that
or you're just saying thatbecause you want to get on my
good side.
You want your partner to saynice things to you, but when
they do, you don't believe them.
You push them away.
You tell them that they'relying.
(08:34):
You tell them that they're justsaying that.
And for the partner that doesn'thave PMDD, are you offering
real-time reassurance or are youwaiting until they're better in
order to express appreciationfor what it is that they're
doing?
Are you being grateful for thethings that they're doing in
their luteal phase or are youjust waiting for them to get
(08:54):
into their follicular phase anddoing everything that you want
them to do in order to expressany kind of validation?
Like, are you noticing thatthey're doing things but you're
just not telling them?
But you're saying that you wantvalidation and you're saying
that you're giving validation.
But at what point are you givingvalidation?
Are you open to it?
Are you open to giving andreceiving validation regardless
(09:16):
of the state of the cycle thatthey're in?
Are you saying I'm going togive them validation when
they're in the follicular phaseand everything's going great,
but then everything that they'redoing in their luteal phase
you're not showing any kind ofvalidation or appreciation
towards, but you're justexpecting that they do it.
Maybe they make your meals,maybe they take your kids to
(09:36):
school, maybe they clean uparound the house All of these
things that you're notvalidating but as soon as they
do things in their follicularphase and you're starting to
reward that, but you're notnoticing what they're doing in
those times where it's harderfor them.
Maybe they're not doing it tothe level that you think that
they should be doing, but you'renot validating them in the
small things.
You're only waiting untilthey're in their good days and
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everything's going great inorder to validate them.
So maybe you're really cravingattention.
You've been feeling a lot ofrejection, sensitivity and
you're craving attention, but doyou give attention too?
Ask yourself that Are you soconsumed with survival during
(10:19):
PMDD, during your luteal phase,that you forget that your
partner exists too?
When you are suffering withyour premenstrual dysphoric
disorder symptoms, are youthinking about how that's
impacting your partner or whatyour partner is going through or
what your partner needs?
Your partner's needs do not goaway just because you're in your
luteal phase and your needs aremore during that time.
(10:41):
They have the same needs allmonth long.
A lot of times, the partnerswho don't have PMDD.
They don't have thisfluctuating need for affection,
attention, validation.
They need it all month long.
They need attention, affection,validation all month long.
But are you so consumed withwhat you're doing to survive in
PMDD that you're not evenlooking back and seeing what you
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can do for your partner?
Maybe it's not to the same levelthat you can do in your
follicular phase, but are youjust dropping the ball and doing
nothing and using the excuse ofsaying, oh, but you know that
I'm in PMDD, you know that I'mseparate?
If your partner had a flu, ifyour partner had the cold, if
your partner had COVID, if yourpartner had any other thing
going on with them, and theycame to me and they said, oh, my
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partner's not showing me anyattention, affection validation,
I wouldn't say, oh, they shouldjust understand, because you're
sick.
It doesn't work like that.
Your partner's needs stillexist.
You don't stop feeding yourkids just because you're sick.
If you can muster up enoughenergy to feed your children,
then you can muster up enoughenergy to give your partner a
hug, a kiss, give them some kindof affection, attention
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validation.
A lot of times the thing thatyou have to do for your partner
is way less than you have to dofor work.
It's way less than you have todo for your kids, but you're
choosing not to do it and you'rethinking that they should be
okay with it because they're anadult.
They're a fully functioningadult, but they're a fully
functioning adult that's in anintimate relationship that can
only get intimacy from you.
You are their only source forintimacy.
(12:07):
So if you are denying them thatjust because you're not feeling
well, then that means you'retaking out half of their
existence within therelationship and saying for half
of the time I'm gonna beaffectionate, for half of the
time I'm gonna give youattention, for half of the time
I'm gonna give you validation,and you're expecting them to
(12:29):
sign up for that.
If you went to work every singleday and your boss told you I'm
going to pay you for half of theday, you would quit the job.
If you literally worked eighthours and your boss said, hey,
I'm just going to pay you forfour.
I can only afford to pay youfor four, but I want you to work
the full eight, you would saythat doesn't make any sense.
Why would I come work for youfor eight hours and only get
paid for half?
That's what you're doing toyour partner when you're
(12:50):
starving them of affection,attention, validation for half
of the month, while you'resuffering with premenstrual
dysphoric disorder symptoms andI know that can sound a bit
harsh because you're saying, drRose, I don't have the energy.
Listen, listen, I'm not sayingto you that it is going to be
easy to like.
(13:10):
It is in your follicular phase.
Absolutely, it's easy in yourfollicular phase.
When you're feeling good, it'seasy to make them feel good.
But what do you do if you havea child, if you have a dog, if
you have a job, if you have anylevel of adult responsibility,
when you're in your luteal phase?
It is not easier, but it ispossible.
(13:32):
That's what I want you tounderstand when it comes to
giving your partner the thingsthat they need while you're in
your luteal phase.
It is not easier, but it ispossible.
Stop letting go of thepossibility of giving your
partner attention, affection,love and validation because it's
harder for you, because you maynot feel like it.
Guess what, when you get intoyour follicular phase and you're
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feeling great, they may notfeel like it.
And you know why they may notfeel like it because they've
been starved of it for two weekswhile you've been in your
luteal phase.
So when you're expecting themto just snap out of it and
you're saying, oh, I wonder whythey're not being affectionate
with me.
I wonder why they're notreceiving all of these good
vibes that I'm giving to them.
Because you've starved them fortwo weeks, because they're not
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going to be wagging their taillike a happy dog when you
literally starve them for twoweeks out of the month of
everything You've shut down.
You've completely shut down,and then, when you feel good,
you're like, oh, I'm ready foryou.
Now you need to program withinyourself, within your PMDD brain
, what am I able to give mypartner during the luteal phase?
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This is what I work with myprivate clients with.
It's not overwhelming, it's notstressful, but it's very
strategic.
It's easier for your cognitivebrain to go on autopilot and do
the things that your partnerspecifically wants and needs,
not things that you feel likeyou want to do.
This is a matter ofunderstanding your partner,
studying your partner and sayingwhat is their love language?
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What do they like for me to do?
What do they don't like for meto do?
And I know the ego is like whyshould I have to do that?
I'm the one suffering in PMDDBecause you are in an intimate
relationship.
Because you are in an intimaterelationship, you have
responsibilities to your partner, whether you have premenstrual
dysphoric disorder or not, and Ithink that that's a
misconception because you'resuffering that all of a sudden,
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you don't have responsibility toyour partners in meeting their
needs.
You do.
You absolutely have aresponsibility to your partner,
regardless of the fact that youhave premenstrual dysphoric
disorder.
So if you are in this phase ofyour cycle and you're like I'm
just trying to work on myself,I'm trying to manage my PMDD
symptoms, you better be pluggingyour partner into managing your
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PMDD symptoms, because ifyou're connected to another
human being that you're notplugging into your coping
mechanisms, it's going to makeeverything that you're doing
worthless.
You're never going to havepeace in PMDD if you don't have
peace with your partner.
I'm going to repeat that youare never going to have peace in
PMDD if you do not have peacewith your partner.
So all of these things thatyou're trying to do on the side
(16:01):
to manage your PMDD symptomsbetter, to manage your emotions,
to not go off on PMDD range, tonot react to your triggers like
that all of these things, ifyou're not adding your partner
into that, what are you doing?
You're still in a relationship.
You can push them to the sideand say you need to work on this
and you need to work on that.
Everything that the both of youare doing to work on your own
personal development needs to becollaborated, because you are
(16:24):
together.
You are an entity.
You are not one person here andone person there.
You're a couple.
You are a couple and you are inan intimate relationship.
So anything that you're doingto work on yourself needs to be
collaborated with your partner.
Hey, I'm thinking about doingthis.
I'm thinking of changing thisup.
I'm thinking about adding thisyou know part of my morning
(16:45):
routine, my evening routine, mydaily routine.
What do you think about that?
How is that going to impact you?
You know I always talk about myPMDD partner's morning routine
and every single time that Iinvite someone into my life that
I have, I have to manage whatthat's going to look like for
the partner or the person thatI'm with at that time that I'm
sharing my space with.
I can't just say this is what Ido during my morning routine
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and that's it.
I have to check in because I'mmaking the conscious choice to
be connected to someone else.
It's not all about me.
Pmdd is not my fault, but it'smy responsibility to manage.
And if I'm adding someone intothe equation of being in my life
, then you better believe thatthey need to be intertwined and
be knowledgeable about what I'mdoing, not just I'm doing this
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and you just need to deal withit.
Hey, this is what I do for mymorning routine.
I always talk about this, evenwhen I'm dating.
This is what my morning routinelooks like.
Do you have a morning routine?
You don't have a morningroutine?
Okay, this is what I'm going todo during this time.
How does that impact you?
How do you feel about that?
And not just having theconversation seeing, over the
course of days, weeks, months,I'm doing my morning routine.
How is it impacting them?
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Because if it's not working forthem, it's not working for me
because I'm choosing to be withthem.
It's not all about me.
Let go of the ego.
The ego is like you'resuffering.
Whatever you need to do, itneeds to be good with them.
No, they're a completelydifferent person with completely
different needs and maybe, likeI've told you before, I've had
partners in the past that want alot of attention, affection,
(18:13):
validation first thing in themorning, and I'm in a place
where I need to pour into myselffirst thing in the morning.
So what did I end up doing?
Waking up earlier to pour intomyself so that when they woke up
and they were ready to connect,that I was able to do that for
them, just like I would with mychildren.
I have one child, but I've hadstepkids.
But that's what I mean.
If I ever dated someone andthey had a child and their child
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woke up really early during thetime that I had my morning
routine, I would wake up earlierto get my morning routine done
and be there for the kid becauseI'm choosing to invite them
into my life.
So if you're feeling like youcould just do whatever you want
to do and not take the otherperson into consideration, you
should be single.
You should, because you're notwilling to consider another
person, and you should not havea child or a dog or any other
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thing that's going to bedependent on you, because it's
not all about you when you havepremenstrual dysphoric disorder.
But the ego is very high andI'm saying this and I have
premenstrual dysphoric disorder.
I've had it for over 19 yearsand I have to consistently
battle with this because the egowhen you have PMDD is very
prevalent.
Because of the depths ofsuffering that we go through,
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there's a level of entitlementthat we can experience.
Because we suffer so much, wefeel like we deserve so much.
This is where you're at.
This is where the fight is whenit comes to collaborating and
to compromising with yourmorning routines or evening
routines or anything that you'redoing Because you're like I'm
suffering, I'm just trying tomanage my symptoms.
I don't know what their problemis.
(19:41):
Their problem is they wantattention, affection, love and
validation because they're in anintimate relationship, which is
actually not a problem.
They're just requiring it ofyou because you're choosing to
be in a relationship with them.
And for the partner that doesn'thave PMDD, do you give your
attention freely or only when itfeels easy or convenient for
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you?
Are you in this place thatyou're only giving them
affection, attention, love,validation when they're in their
follicular phase and you knowthat you're not going to get
rejected and you know thatthey're going to be in a good
mood?
So you're only being that openwhen you know that they're going
to be in a good mood?
I've had partners do this somany times.
When they figure out when I'min PMDD, they avoid me like the
(20:24):
plague.
They're like, oh, she's in PMDD, she could be moody, she could
be this and you're withholdingeverything.
But then, as soon as they're ina good mood, you're like, hey,
the next thing is you ask forintimacy, you want intimacy.
(20:50):
I always ask my clients when wecome on these introductory
sessions what is it that youthink is missing in your PMDD
relationship?
The big one is always intimacy.
But are you creating emotionalcloseness first by intimacy?
A lot of times they're talkingabout the sex is gone.
Sex is gone.
We don't have sex anymore.
We used to have sex.
Every time we have sex, it'slike very sporadic, and then it
probably won't happen foranother 40 days and 40 nights
For the partner that has PMDDand you're saying that you want
intimacy.
Ask yourself this question Areyou emotionally available to
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your partner when you're askingfor intimacy?
Do they know what's reallygoing on with you?
Are you really expressing youremotions towards them?
Are you telling them that youlove them, that you care about
them?
Are you holding their hand?
Are you looking at themlovingly?
Are you rubbing their back?
Are you doing all of those cutethings that you used to do when
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you were dating?
Are you not doing those thingsand expecting intimacy.
You're not doing those things.
You're not holding their hand,you're not looking at them
lovingly, you're not rubbingtheir back, you're not looking
at them with the heart eyeemojis when they're walking into
the house and you haven't seenthem all day.
You're not doing any of that,but you're expecting intimacy.
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You're looking at them likethey're the same you know
blowjob off the street thatyou've seen at the grocery store
but you're expecting intimacyfrom them.
You're treating them likethey're common and trying to
create intimacy.
Intimacy means that you aretreating them as if they are the
most important person in yourworld during that time, during
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that moment that you are soinfatuated with them, that you
were so attracted to them thatyou're leaning in and you're
being loving that you are drawnto them.
You are acting as if you aredrawn to them and that is a
level of intimacy.
You feel so close to them.
Intimacy is closeness, meaningwhatever's going on with me
right now.
You should know, because I'mgoing to talk to you about
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what's going on with me.
I'm going to tell youeverything that's going on in my
brain so that you can get intomy body.
That's literally the code forintimacy Through intimacy that
is fulfilling.
I'm going to tell youeverything that's going on in my
brain so that when you connectwith my body, there's no
surprise.
There's this connectedness.
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It's like a plug.
When you're connected to me onan intimate level, you know
what's going on with my mind.
When we connect with our bodiesit's all aligned.
When there's no intimacy,there's no emotional closeness.
That's just sex.
That's something that you canhave with any blowjob and it's
not fulfilling.
It's like you have no ideawhat'sjob and it's not
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fulfilling.
It's like you have no ideawhat's going on with me but you
wouldn't enter my body.
Okay, you don't feel closer tothat person.
You almost feel taken advantageof.
How many times have you had sexwith your partner and felt
taken advantage of, felt lessclose than you did before?
It just wasn't good.
It wasn't good because youweren't emotionally connected.
(23:42):
For the, the partner thatdoesn't have PMDD, do you shut
down physical connection out offear, like, are you assuming
that you know they're not goingto understand you or what you
have to say doesn't reallymatter?
You have all of these fearsabout the things that are going
on in your mind and your heart.
You're not sharing it with yourpartner, but you're saying that
you want intimacy.
So then when you do have sex,guess what?
(24:03):
It's not fulfilling.
And if it's not fulfilling,it's probably not gonna happen
again for another 40 days and 40nights.
If you're wondering why you havethese sporadic moments of
intimacy, that's just your bodybeing lustful, that's your body
being horny and lustful.
You have sex and then itdoesn't happen again because
there's no yearning, there's nocraving for it.
People crave intimacy, peoplelust after sex.
(24:24):
Craving intimacy meaning I feltso close to you, I felt so seen
, I felt so heard, I felt likeyou really got me.
I want to do that again.
That's that intimacy.
That's when you're drawn to theperson.
That's probably what drew youto them in the beginning.
But lusting after them is likeI can't take it anymore.
I'm about to burst, I'm sostressed out.
(24:45):
I'm just going to have sex,pump, pump, pump and we're done.
Because the reason why thattakes a long time to happen
again is because you have towait until you get that
frustrated, that overwhelmed,that built up.
So when you have that samescenario happen again and it's
not going to be fulfilling, it'sreally not you are robbing
yourself.
Some of you are in the homeswith individuals that can create
(25:07):
such an amazing experience ofemotional intimacy, and you're
robbing yourself of that andyou're breadcrumbing yourself
with this little experience.
That's not fulfilling, it's not.
I've been there, done that,don't want the t-shirt, thank
you.
If it's not, I've been there,done that, don't want the
t-shirt, thank you.
If it's not emotional closeness, if it's not intimacy, it's not
worth it for me, because then Iend up being in my head.
(25:28):
You're not in my head, I'm inmy head alone.
How many times have you donethat?
Well, you've had sex with yourpartner or someone that you're
dating and then you've laid inthe bed.
You're in one place in yourmind.
They're probably asleep, ormaybe in another place in your
mind.
You're not close, you're notfeeling intimate, you're not
cuddling.
It's not fulfilling.
You're just like wow, like italmost feels like a moment of
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weakness, or you could bemomentarily proud like yay, we
did it, okay.
The next one is you say you wantlove from your PMDD partner,
but are you acting in a lovingway?
I've seen this so many times.
I saw it with Sarah and John onour private session, where
they're literally yelling ateach other saying that they want
love, but are you acting in aloving way?
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Are you for the individual thathas premenstrual dysphoric
disorder?
That was Sarah.
Are you treating your partner inways that reflect kindness and
the kind of love that you'reexpecting to receive?
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Very simple.
Let's start with the basics.
Are you being kind and patient?
Are you being demanding andcritical and blaming and shaming
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and resentful and bitter?
But you want love.
This is not working becausethey're not showing me love.
How are you acting towards themFor the partner that doesn't
have PMDD?
Are you loving unconditionallyor only when your partner meets
your emotional expectations,when they're in their follicular
phase?
I've seen this so often, whereyou only act loving when they're
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in their follicular phase andthey're treating you well.
Am I advocating for them toever not treat you well?
No, but what I'm saying is youtreating your partner well
shouldn't be contingent uponcertain times If you want your
partner to be loving.
Are you being and I hate usingthis new era that we're in but
are you being soft?
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Are you being open?
And I don't mean soft as arealm of weakness, because I
know that's a lot of times howit's interpreted but a lot of
times you're so hard.
You are so hard.
You are angrily crying, you areyelling, you are frustrated and
you're scaring your partner andsaying that you want love.
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You'rearing your partner andsaying that you want love.
You're yelling at your partner,saying that you want love.
You know what really helps andit's helped me before and it
really took me a while to becomfortable doing this and it's
helped a lot of my clients.
Your partner would rather seeyou break down crying or not
break down and be open andvulnerable than to be yelling at
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them.
They feel safer to lean in andbe loving, which is one of my
number one tools when you arecrying and broken down, because
there's no defensiveness.
It's not scary, right?
If you see that your partner isfrustrated and so overwhelmed
and they're just like I don'tknow what else to do.
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I just want my partner to loveme.
You know that your partner willlean over and hug you and kiss
you and love you, because theyfinally feel like they're in a
safe place to do so, becausethey don't feel like you're
going to go off of them andblame them and criticize them.
A lot of times when you've gonethrough a lot of traumatic
events, that's where you're at.
It's either anger and rage and,oh my gosh, I'm so frustrated
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to like.
You know what.
This is how I really feel andthis is how we get to in our
private sessions together.
We get to the root of it and alot of times at the root it's a
lot of fear and a lot of sadness, and it's like I and when your
partner sees that they lean inand give you the very thing that
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you've been asking for, becausethey finally feel safe to do so
, because they know that you'renot going to chop their head off
because you're not in thataggressive state.
If you want love real, tender,compassionate, caring love drop
the mask.
Drop the ego, drop theharshness, drop the aggression.
Drop the who's right and who'swrong.
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Drop that.
It doesn't matter If one of youis wrong.
You're both wrong becauseyou're in the relationship
together.
If you care more about beingright, be single, because that
means you're trying to win foryou, not for the relationship.
If I ever felt like I won, likeoh, I won because I did this
and they didn't do that, thenI'm not thinking about the
relationship, because therelationship is two people.
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I'm thinking about myself.
So the next thing is.
You say that you're triggered,but are you owning the trigger?
Are you blaming your partnerfor it?
You're always coming.
I'm triggered, dr Rose, I'mtriggered, okay, but are you
owning the fact that you aretriggered?
Because there's a lot of thingsthat happen in the relationship
where you're triggered for aspecific reason and I always ask
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you when we're working togetherwhy does that trigger you?
I'm not saying what theirbehavior is right or wrong.
We just need to get to the rootof why does that action
specifically trigger you.
When I found out that yellingand cursing was a trigger in my
PMDD relationships, that was ame thing.
I have childhood trauma relatedto yelling and cursing.
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That was something that Icouldn't handle.
Is that my partner's fault?
No, I had to take ownership forit.
I couldn't blame my partner fordoing something that they
probably just do.
That's on me to choose apartner that did that.
That was completely on me,because I'm pretty sure there's
someone that can be in arelationship with somebody that
does that and they're completelyfine.
I had to own the trigger.
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I said I was triggered and Iown the fact that.
Hey, when I really dug deep andreally understood why I'm
triggered by that it's becauseof my childhood trauma, because
I had an abusive adopted fatherwho yelled at me and cursed at
me and made me feel horribleabout myself.
And every single time that apartner does that, I go back to
that moment and it shrinks meand it's mortifying and it is
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terrifying to me and so for thepartner that has PMDD, are you
identifying the root of yourtriggers and communicating them
without attacking?
83% of individuals who havepremenstrual dysphoric disorder
have some level of past trauma83%.
So pretty much all of us havesome level of past trauma.
So when you're talking aboutyour triggers, these are trauma
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triggers.
What is your past trauma thatis making you be triggered by
this specific action by yourpartner?
Are you identifying the root?
For me, the root was mychildhood.
Can I change that?
Even if I healed from it, that'sprobably always going to be a
trigger for me and I just needto manage how I react to it.
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And I needed to communicatethat to my partner and I did it
in a way of saying, hey, this isa trigger that I have from my
childhood partner.
And I did it in a way of saying, hey, this is a trigger that I
have from my childhood and whenI communicated it, they were
just like this is who I am, thisis part of who I am.
I don't think it's anythingwrong with it.
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And then I had to make a choice.
After that, that was on me.
That's me owning my trigger.
I'm always going to betriggered by this, you're
telling me.
You're always going to be do it.
So now what?
And then for the partner thatdoesn't have PMD are you making
space for your partner'striggers without taking them
personally or escalating it?
Meaning, if I tell you that Ihave triggers with yelling and
cursing because of my childhood,are you going to take it
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personally?
Are you going to escalate itand turn it into a fight?
Or are you going to beunderstanding and saying you
know what?
I understand that.
I get that that has nothing todo with me, but you know what?
Because that triggers you, I'mgoing to work on that.
That would be a choice.
Do they have to do that?
Absolutely not, absolutely not.
If you make a decision and sayif I tell you, hey, this is my
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trigger, this is what I'mworking with and you don't want
to change it, then it's on me tomake a decision of how am I
going to live my life.
The next thing is you ask forpatience, but are you practicing
it too?
You say you want your partner tobe more patient, but are you
patient for the individual whohas PMDD, with your own process
of managing your PMDD?
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Are you demanding quick fixesand perfection from your partner
?
Are you consistently you'reworking on yourself and you're
telling your partner you need todo this and you need to do that
and you need to do this?
You're demanding all of thesethings from your partner or are
you being patient with them andunderstanding that they're on
their own journey of healing?
A lot of times, when you startworking on yourself, you're not
really understanding that yourpartner may work on themselves,
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but it may not be at the sametime that you are understanding
that your partner may work onthemselves, but it may not be at
the same time that you are, andyou can't demand that of them
and parent them into working onthings that they need to work on
.
And for the partner that doesn'thave PMDD, are you being
patient with the ups and downsof their luteal phase?
Are you resenting the hard daysas if they're doing it on
purpose?
Are you making your partnerfeel bad about having PMDD,
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without knowing that it's nottheir fault that we have it.
It's our responsibility tomanage.
But are you treating yourpartner like they're choosing
PMDD, knowing that they'restruggling?
You want patience for yourself,but are you patient with your
partner when they're working onsomething and they make a
mistake?
Are you making them feel badabout making that mistake?
Or are you understanding andsaying, oh, I know that was
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really hard for them.
You know they're just.
When you're working towardsbecoming a better version of
yourself in the relationship,you're going to have times where
you relapse and you're going tobe like, oh, I should have
handled that differently andyour partner needs to be there
to be supportive and notthrowing it in your face.
And the last thing is you saythat you need support.
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You say you want to support aPMDD partner.
You say you want support inyour PMDD relationship, but are
you willing to be helped For thepartner that has PMDD?
Are you open to feedback or areyou defensive and resistant to
any suggestions from yourpartner?
If your partner is coming toyou and they're saying I've had
this, I have this happen, likeprobably like five times a week,
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where I will get DMs or emailsof like, dr Rose, I'm trying to
get you know my partner to workwith you, but they just won't do
it.
Or they're saying that I needto work on myself and it's not
them and all these other things.
Are you getting defensivetowards your partner when
they're saying listen, babe, weneed help.
I've tried to help you as muchas I can help you, but we need
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help.
Your partner is suggesting thatyou have sessions with me.
Your partner is suggesting thatyou get help and you're just
denying doing it because you'relike I'm doing this and I'm
doing that.
You're denying it, but you'resaying that you need help.
You're like I can't go throughthis another month.
Well, you are going to gothrough this another month
because nothing is going tochange until you make the
changes.
And for the partner that hasPMDD, are you supporting your
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partner or are you trying to fixthem?
There's a difference and yourpartner can feel it.
If you're being supportive tothe things that your partner is
doing to manage your PMDDsymptoms, that's one thing, but
if you're trying to fix them asif they're damaged goods, that's
another thing and they can feelthe difference.
So you're wondering why yourpartner is not being receptive
of the level of support thatyou're providing.
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It's because they know thatyou're treating them like
they're damaged goods and thatdoesn't feel good.
It doesn't feel good to besomething or someone that's
damaged and your partner justsays, oh, as soon as we fix you
up, we'll be good.
So if today's episode really hithome for you, if you're
realizing that maybe you've beenasking for things that you are
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not emotionally open toreceiving, you're not alone.
I've been there so many times,but awareness was my first step
towards transformation.
Awareness was my first step toreally understanding, wow, the
things that I'm asking for.
I'm not really projecting that.
I'm ready for them, but realchange happens in a safe and
guided conversation, and that'swhere I come in.
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For the entire month of July,I'm offering a special discount
on all my PMDD relationshipcounseling sessions.
I put the code down thereFREEDOM on my most popular
package, which is the threesessions.
This is one session with you,one session with your partner,
and then I couple the tools thatI give you and we have one
session together.
So this is your chance tofinally break the cycle of
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miscommunications, of triggers,of emotional disconnection, of
not getting your needs met,because, whether you're the one
who has PMDD or you're thepartner that's trying to love
them better?
I see you.
I have helped countlesshundreds of couples go through
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multiple cycles in their lutealphase, rebuild trust, restore
all of those traumatic eventsthat have happened, heal from
them so you don't have to keepgoing from them again and again
and again, and get the peacethat you deserve and desire in
your luteal phase and everyother phase in your cycle.
So spots are limited.
This offer does go away at theend of July, so if this is
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something that you know that youneed help with, go to
inlovewithpmddcom.
I want to put the link downhere in the show notes and until
next time we got this, I loveyou.