July 3, 2025 • 31 mins
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Ever wonder why your partner doesn't change despite your constant reminders and guidance? The answer might be hiding in plain sight: you've unintentionally shifted from being their partner to becoming their parent.
This transformative episode explores how the subtle dynamic of "parenting" your partner—especially in relationships affected by PMDD—creates resistance rather than cooperation. When we consistently correct behavior, monitor moods, control routines, or make decisions without input, we create a power imbalance that destroys intimacy and breeds resentment.
The frustrating cycle begins innocently. You communicate needs and set boundaries, but when your partner doesn't respond as expected, you intensify your efforts—explaining more, reminding more, directing more. This approach backfires spectacularly because no adult wants to feel controlled or diminished. Your intelligent partner likely knows what you need but resists when they feel forced rather than inspired to change.
Dr. Rose shares powerful alternatives to break this pattern. Instead of demanding change through parental tactics, learn how to influence through example. By focusing on your own growth and extending invitations rather than issuing commands, you create space for authentic transformation. This approach works whether you're the partner with PMDD or the partner supporting someone through it.
The path forward requires a fundamental shift: release the need to control your partner's actions and focus instead on what you can change about yourself. When you model the behavior you wish to see and take responsibility for your own emotional regulation and health, you create a template for growth that your partner can choose to follow—not from obligation, but from genuine desire.
Ready to transform your relationship from parent-child dynamics to true partnership? This episode offers the insights and practical steps to make that shift today.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Today I want to talk to you about something very
important.
If you are trying to get yourpartner to be more supportive,
if you're trying to get yourpartner to be more loving, if
you're trying to get yourpartner to be more affectionate
and this is for the partner thathas premenstrual dysphoric
disorder and the partner thatdoes not there may be this
common mistake that you aremaking that I've seen so often
(00:20):
with my clients and they'remaking this mistake and it's
really preventing them fromgetting their partner to change
in any way within therelationship.
But I wanted to make sure thatI talked about this because it's
done subconsciously and I thinkthat a lot of times you're
getting frustrated becauseyou're consistently telling your
partner that you need them tobe more supportive, telling them
that you need them to do moreof something, telling them that
(00:42):
you need them to do less ofsomething.
Maybe you're saying that youneed to have more space in PMDD.
Maybe you're setting theseboundaries where you're saying
let's not talk about reallyimportant issues during the
luteal phase.
You're trying to put all ofthese boundaries in place and
you're wondering why yourpartner's not listening to you.
You're wondering why they'reconsistently doing things that
you have literally said thatthis is not the right thing to
(01:04):
do.
It's going to be a big blow up,we're going to have a fight,
we're going to have an argument,and then you end up in the same
circle and you get reallyfrustrated with telling your
partner the same thing again andagain, and again and again.
And this is when you start tothink that maybe you're not
compatible, maybe you shouldn'tbe with this partner, because
they're not listening to you orthey're not getting it.
You don't feel seen, you don'tfeel heard, you don't feel
(01:25):
validated, you don't feelappreciated, you don't feel like
they really understand yourstruggle or what you're going
through.
I've been in this case so manytimes and this common mistake
has been made.
So I really wanted to just tellyou about the tools today,
about what you can really dowhen you find yourself in this
frustrated place and that is youare literally.
(01:46):
And when I tell you what it isthat you're doing, I know
there's going to be a lot ofresistance to it, because it's
going to be like Dr Rose, I'mnot doing that, I'm just trying
to tell them, or I need to tellthem, or they don't understand
unless I tell them.
But you may be in this loop andI've been here before and I've
been here subconsciously meaningI haven't consciously done it
(02:06):
in like, hey, I'm presentlydoing this, but I've just been
so frustrated with trying to getmy partner to understand me, to
see me to do the things that Iknow would make our PMDD
relationship better, and I'veended up making this mistake and
I've done this a couple oftimes and I had a pattern of
doing this and it's just been sodamaging and it's a scam and it
(02:27):
doesn't work.
And that is, you are parentingyour PMDD partner and what I
mean by that?
Instead of being their partner,instead of being someone that's
on an equal level, you become aparent to your partner.
When you start to strategicallytell them all the things that
they should be doing, all thethings that they shouldn't be
doing, you call it settingboundaries, but what you're
(02:49):
really doing is putting yourselfin this parental role, because
as soon as they don't do thethings that you told them to do,
or they neglect to do thethings that you did tell them to
do, then you start to withholdaffection, withhold attention,
withhold validation, the sameway that you would tell a child
know a child.
You can't play with your toys,you know, because you didn't
clean your room, kind of deal.
(03:09):
And there's a lot of resistance, right when you're telling your
partner the same thing againand again, and again and you're
wondering why they're notgetting it.
They may be in this place wherethe ego steps in and the ego
does not like to be told what todo in a way that is demeaning,
that is disrespectful.
It'll start to kind of counterback.
If you've ever noticed that yourpartner is acting out of
(03:30):
character meaning they're sayingthings to you that they
wouldn't normally say or they'redoing things that they wouldn't
normally do, that's becauseyou've bruised their ego.
They're feeling resentfultowards doing anything that
you're saying that they shoulddo, because they feel like
they're the child, becauseyou're parenting them.
And I remember thinking tomyself so many times that if I
don't tell them what to do orwhat not to do, they're not
(03:51):
going to understand me, they'renot going to get it, and I
thought I was doing the rightthing by communicating to them
this is what works for me, orthis is what doesn't work for me
, and what I was really doingwas putting myself in that
parental role and this reallystarted to impact my intimacy.
It starts to impact the waythat my partner spoke to me,
because they were getting alittle rebellious.
(04:11):
They were getting rebelliousbecause they were resentful,
because they felt like kind oflike I was treating them like a
child, like I was punking them.
Your partner will start to repelthe things that you're telling
them what to do if they feellike they're being forced to do
it.
Repel the things that you'retelling them what to do if they
feel like they're being forcedto do it.
No one wants to feel likethey're forced to do anything,
because if they feel like you'reforcing them, if they feel like
you're making them, thenthey're going to resist it.
(04:33):
They're almost going tocontinue with that behavior
longer than they would have ifyou hadn't called them out on it
.
And so you know I'm all aboutcalling your partner out when it
comes to behavior that'sdamaging to your PMDD
relationship, but not in a waythat you become apparent,
because, again, one of thebiggest things that happened
when I did this was the intimacy.
The intimacy really went down.
(04:54):
So I want you to ask yourselfare you and your partner still
intimate?
Are you and your partner stillintimate on a consistent basis?
Are you and your partner stillconnecting on an intimate level?
And a lot of times, if theanswer is no, it's because
they're looking at you likeyou're nagging them.
They're never good enough,they're walking on eggshells.
All of these things arepreventing intimacy.
(05:15):
They're preventing you frombeing intimate with your
premenstrual dysphoric disorderpartner.
This is for the partner thathas PMDD and the partner that
doesn't.
So if you've not taken mycourse, my partner has PMDD.
Now what?
One of the biggest mistakes thatI put in one of the first
modules is trying to fix yourpartner.
If this is a partner that haspremenstrual dysphoric disorder,
you're going and you're readingup and doing all this research
(05:37):
and you should take thissupplement.
Or you should stop doing this,or maybe you should cut back on
this and you're starting toparent them in a way that you
would a child and then when yougo to be intimate with them,
they're not looking at you likethey're a partner, like you're
an equal.
They're looking at you likeyou're a parent and they're
going to start to resent beingintimate with you.
They're going to start toresent all of these things
(05:58):
because they're going to startto feel like it's something that
they have to do versussomething that they want to do.
And again, I'm telling you thisbecause a lot of times you're
doing it subconsciously andyou're doing it because you feel
like it's the only way to getyour partner to do the things
that you know that you need themto do.
And you feel like you're you,so you should be able to tell
them, like I know what it isthat I need, I know what it is
(06:18):
that I don't need, so if I don'ttell them, they won't do it.
Here's the thing that I want youto know about your partner.
Your partners are smart.
Your partners are notda-dum-da-dum, meaning you
didn't marry someone, you didn'tagree to be with someone who's
not intelligent.
I was working with a clientearlier this week and they were
so surprised because they wereon a session with us together
(06:39):
and they were saying I know whatshe needs, I know she needs
acts of service, I know sheneeds me to help out more around
the house.
And then they went on to all ofthese other things that were
going on in the relationship andthe other partner was shocked.
She was shocked because she waslike wait, I never thought that
they knew what it is that Ineeded from them.
I thought that I had to tellthem and I'm like no, a lot of
(07:00):
times.
Your partner knows what it isthat you need.
They just don't want to feellike they're doing it because
you're forcing them to do it.
Because you're telling them todo it, it's inauthentic.
If someone feels like the onlyreason that they're doing
something is because you'retelling them to do it, then it
doesn't mean as much and itshouldn't mean as much to you If
you know that the only reasonsomebody is doing something is
because you're forcing them,you're telling them or they're
(07:21):
feeling like there's not goingto be peace in the house unless
they do it.
And I gave this example theother day.
I was saying you know, if I getup in the morning and I you
know, I'm helping my daughterwith certain things, and she's
like I love you, I won't.
I won't feel as fulfilledknowing that she's saying I love
you If I feel like she's doingit because she feels like she
has to do it.
I want her to just be in amoment and desire to say that
(07:42):
she loves me.
And that's when she's saying it.
If I felt like she wasprogrammed to say it or she felt
like you know, if you want tohave breakfast or if you want to
get a treat or if you want todo something good, then you need
to say I love you.
Then it's going to beinauthentic and a lot of times
you are parenting your PMDDpartner and it's really damaging
(08:09):
your relationship and a lot oftimes again, you're doing this
unintentionally.
So I'm going to give you somesigns of what it looks like for
you to be parenting your partner, because I want you to kind of
catch yourself when you're doingit.
When I recognized that this wasdamaging to my relationship and
it wasn't really serving us itwasn't making my partner want to
do the things that I neededthem to do.
Matter of fact, I think it wasone or two times where I noticed
that they were saying thingsand doing things and it wasn't
authentic, because you'll get tothat point where you can feel
(08:31):
like, wait a minute, they don'treally mean that or they're just
saying that and it doesn't feelgood to be on the receiving end
of some kind of attention,affection, love, validation.
That is not genuine.
It's just because they feellike this is something that they
have to do in order to be in arelationship with you.
So the first thing that canhappen when you're parenting
your PMDD partner and again,this is for the partner that has
(08:53):
PMDD and the partner thatdoesn't is you're consistently
correcting or scolding theirbehavior.
You're saying things like youcan't talk to me like that or
you need to calm down.
You're always trying toregulate your partner's emotions
instead of letting themregulate them themselves.
Your partner is never going tolearn how to self-soothe or
regulate their own emotions ifyou're always giving commands
(09:14):
about what emotion they'resupposed to have in each moment.
So this tone sounds more likecorrecting a child than a
partnership that iscommunicating with empathy.
If you're saying to them youcan't talk to me like that right
now, or I don't want you totalk to me like that right now,
that's like a parent.
That's like telling your parenthey, don't raise your voice at
me.
Or if you're telling yourpartner like you need to calm
down right now, that's like aparent.
(09:36):
That's what you tell to yourchild when they start raising
their voice and and they're notable to manage your emotions and
you start to tell them hey, youdon't talk to me like that, you
need to calm down.
That's what you're doing whenyou're parenting your PMDD
partner.
The next sign that you areparenting your PMDD partner is
you're monitoring their moodconsistently.
You're always asking them howthey're feeling, what their mood
(09:58):
is.
Are you okay now?
You seem moody again.
You seem sad.
You seem sad, you seem mad, youseem this.
You seem that You're constantlynagging them and talking about
the emotions that they're havinginstead of letting them process
them.
This used to happen to me somany times where I would just
get quiet or I would beexperiencing an emotion and my
partner would consistently besaying what's wrong?
(10:19):
You seem sad right now, or youseem mad right now, or you seem
this.
Sometimes your partner justneeds to be in this space where
they're able to process theiremotions without consistently
talking about the emotions thatthey're processing.
Give them space and time toprocess their own emotions and
then come to you after they'reprocessed.
A lot of times, when they're inthe middle of it, they can't
even explain to you what emotionthey're having or why they're
(10:41):
having it.
And so when you're consistentlypicking on them and you're
saying, why do you look likethat or why are you so quiet, or
why are you not talking rightnow?
Or it seems like you'redistracted when you're making
assumptions about your partner'smood.
You're checking on them as ifthey are a child.
This can feel like they're undera surveillance camera.
They're going to start to feelsuffocated.
They're going to start to feeltrapped because you're
(11:04):
commenting on every emotion thatthey're having.
It's going to feel likesurveillance instead of support.
So it creates this pressure andreinforces that.
You know they can't regulatethemselves and they need to
always be happy or they need toalways be a certain way in order
for you to not be triggered.
It's going to get to the pointwhere your partner is not going
to feel safe having theirauthentic emotions, unless it's
(11:25):
an emotion that they feel thatyou can handle.
When you get to that point andyou feel like your partner can't
handle you being sad, or yourpartner can't handle you being
mad, or your partner can'thandle you being triggered,
you're going to feel pressure tostay in a state that is not
authentic to how you're reallyfeeling, just so you don't
trigger your partner, and that'swhen they're gonna start to
feel like they're gonna wannaavoid you because they're gonna
(11:47):
be like every single time I getsad, or every single time I get
mad, or every single time I gettriggered.
It's gonna bother them, so Ican't be my authentic self, so
I'm just gonna be better offalone.
They're gonna feel like they'rebetter off alone because when
they're alone they're able toexpress their emotions in any
way that they come up, withouthaving to explain them to
(12:08):
someone, without having toover-explain.
A lot of times you don't knowwhy you're feeling sad or why
you're feeling mad or why you'refeeling triggered, until you've
processed those emotions, andso the next sign that you're
parenting your PMDD partner isyou're controlling their
schedules or routines.
This happens so often when youassume, because they're in a
certain phase of their cycle ohyou should be doing this, or you
(12:28):
normally do this at this time,or maybe you should get more
sleep, or you shouldn't beeating that during your luteal
phase.
When you're consistentlytelling them what they should
and shouldn't be doing duringthe luteal phase, you're
parenting them when, a lot oftimes, every single luteal phase
is different.
There are some months where youwant to eat more and there's
some months where you want toeat less.
Or there's some months whereyou want to sleep more and
(12:50):
there's some months where youcan't really sleep, and there's
certain self-care things thatreally are subjective to the
phase of the cycle that you'rein.
Every single cycle is not goingto be the same.
So if your partner's in thatspace where they're only
expecting you to be the same waythat you were last month and
they're expecting you to be onthis routine and you feel like
you have no, what I callpsychological flexibility
(13:12):
meaning I may have a routinethis month and it can completely
change next month and that maybe based on how I'm feeling in
my cycle.
So, while your intentions maybe good, as the partner we're
trying to keep them on track orkeep them with something that
maybe worked with them the lastcycle, maybe that doesn't work
with them this cycle.
So it crosses into parentingand it lets go of your partner
having the freedom to say, hey,I know this worked for me last
(13:35):
month, but this month it's notworking for me.
If you're consistently tryingto tell them what they should be
doing in their luteal phase andtheir ovulation and your
menstruation and in theirfollicular phase, you're not
allowing them the freedom to bein every phase of their cycle.
Again, this is for the partnerthat has PMDD and the partner
that doesn't.
And the next thing that canhappen when you're parenting
your PMDD partner is, you'remaking decisions without input.
(13:58):
You're assuming that yourpartner because they're in the
luteal phase and they'resuffering with premenstrual
dysphoric disorder symptoms thatthey're not in a place to make
any decisions.
So you're assuming that they'regoing to be moody, or you're
assuming that they're going tobe emotional, or you're assuming
that they're going to have thisrejection sensitivity.
So you start to hold things inor you start to not share
certain things, or you start tomake big decisions on your own
(14:18):
and saying things like I'll justhandle it.
You're too emotional right nowwhile you're in PMDD, or you're
too emotional in the lutealphase.
So this assumes that the partnerthat has PMDD is incapable of
making decisions, which can bedisempowering.
It can make them feel like abroken bird, like they're not
intelligent enough to handlethings.
A lot of times, the individualswho have premenstrual dysphal
(14:39):
disorder they're going to workevery single day.
They're doing their job.
So when you're making it seemlike they're not capable of
doing little things within therelationship, or you're hiding
things from them or saying Ididn't want to say this to them
because I didn't want them to bemad, do not assume.
Check in with your partner andsee how they're really feeling
how they're really doing,without assuming that they're
not able to handle the thingsthat are going on in your
(15:00):
relationship, because thenyou're parenting them instead of
being a partner.
A partner would go to them withwhatever issues are going on in
the relationship, whateverissues are going on in the
household, to see if they'reable to handle it at that moment
.
If a decision needs to be made,let it be after you checked in
with the partner.
So the next sign is you'rewithholding or granting
privileges based on behavior.
(15:21):
You're saying things like ifyou keep this, I'm not going to
go out with you.
We're not going to be able togo to this event, we're not
going to be able to go out inpublic.
If you're going to keep crying,if you're going to keep nagging
me, if we're fighting, thenwe're not going to be able to go
out and go to this social event.
So this turns the relationshipinto a reward and and punishment
system rather than mutualrespect and partnership.
You're basically saying ifyou're going to be on your best
(15:43):
behavior, we can go.
If you're not going to be onyour best behavior, then we
can't go.
And I've been in this situationso many times where my feelings
have been invalidated and it'slike, hey, it seems like you're
too emotional to go out rightnow, or it seems like this is
not a good time.
You're assuming that it's not agood time based off of your
perception.
Instead of asking them like apartner, you're acting like a
(16:04):
parent and you're rewarding themlike, hey, if you can stop
nagging, if we can stop arguing,if you can stop doing all of
these things and being emotional, then we can go out and have a
good time.
If not, let's just cancel thetrip.
How many times have you beenarguing and fighting and then
one partner just canceled thedate and say we're not going out
or I'm not going out with youbecause we're in this situation?
That means you're being aparent.
(16:25):
You're taking away theirability to go socialize because
they haven't been on their bestbehavior.
So the next sign is you're overexplaining or you're lecturing.
You're starting to tell them,give them big, long lectures and
say you need to understand.
When you get like this, itaffects everybody around you.
It's not just about PMDD, it'snot just about you.
(16:45):
There's so much else going onin this world.
There's so much else going onin this relationship, and you're
talking to them like they're achild.
You're giving them the grandbig picture of everything.
But lecturing implies that theindividual who has PMDD is
unaware of their impact oneverybody else, or they're not
trying, which can make them feelshameful, which can make them
feel guilty, which can make youfeel like the parent, you feel
(17:08):
like the daddy or you feel likethe mommy when you're telling
them how their actions impacteveryone else in the
relationship or maybe everybodyelse that they're around, when
they know that Remember, yourpartner is smart.
They're aware of how theirbehavior is impacting other
people, including you.
They don't need you to lecturethem and over-explain how
they're impacting you if they'realready feeling guilty about it
(17:31):
.
And the next sign is that you'reemotionally rescuing them
instead of collaborating withthem, and what I mean by that is
you're just saying don't worry,I'll just fix it for you.
Maybe they went off on theirchild, your child together, and
maybe they did something wherethey acted out of character.
And instead of you all having aconversation with your child
together and saying mommy ordaddy had this, they were in
(17:55):
this mood or they had this kindof reaction and they were
apologizing, instead of youcollaborating on how you can
address the issue, you're sayingdon't worry, I'll just fix it
for you, like a parent would do,where they would kind of like
I'll call the school, I'll callthe school and fix this for you.
So, while it may come from aplace of love, rescuing keeps
the individual with PMDD in ahelpless role and prevents
(18:16):
growth.
It doesn't help them to learnhow to regulate their own
emotions, because they're alwaysgoing to be assuming that
you're going to sweep in and fixit for them.
And so the next sign is that youstart tracking their
premenstrual dysphoric disordercycle without collaboration.
This is for the partner thathas PMDD and the partner that
doesn't.
You may say, oh, I already knowwhere you are in your cycle, so
(18:37):
I knew this would happen.
I already knew that you'regoing to be on PMDD.
I've had partners do thisbefore where maybe one month my
PMDD was at the 20th of themonth, and then we go into the
next month and they're assumingthat I'm in PMDD, even though my
cycle may have moved.
So it may be the 20th of themonth and I'm not in PMDD.
But they're specifically saying, oh, I already knew you were
going to be emotional becauseit's the 20th of the month, and
(18:59):
I'm like oh no, no, no, I'mactually not in PMDD.
How many times have you had toconvince your partner or tell
them incessantly I'm not in PMDD?
I know that you're assumingthat I am, but I'm actually in
ovulation.
I'm actually in my good days,I'm actually on my period.
All of these things.
It creates this power imbalance.
It can feel like intrusivenessrather than support, especially
(19:21):
if it's used to invalidate yourfeelings, especially if you're
assuming that I'm in PMDD whenI'm really not.
Instead of just asking, howmany times have your partner
told you that you're inpremenstrual disorder, you're in
your luteal phase, you're inPMDD?
Instead of just asking andsaying hey, babe, are you in
PMDD right now?
Because I want to make surethat we're handling the
situation in the best waypossible, that's asking a
(19:43):
question and collaborating,versus saying you're in PMDD and
just assuming.
So the next sign is that they'reguilt tripping you into better
behavior.
They're saying do you know howhard it is for you to be in PMDD
?
Do you know how hard it is forme?
Do you know how hard this isfor me too?
Like if you start complainingabout your PMDD symptoms and
then they just go and say youknow, this is so hard for me too
(20:04):
.
It's not just you that's goingthrough this.
They're guilt tripping you andthis may sound like a plea for
empathy, but it's really usedfor manipulation.
It reinforces this parent andchild dynamic where you're
really going in and saying likeyou're not the only one that's
suffering around here.
I'm suffering too.
So you try to tell your partnerabout your symptoms and how
you're feeling.
Or maybe you're the partnerthat doesn't have PMDD and
(20:26):
you're trying to tell yourpartner like, hey, the way that
you're reacting in PMDD, the waythat you're shutting down or
the way that you're rejecting me, it's really impacting me.
And instead of them beingsupportive and collaborative and
saying, okay, how can we fixthis?
They're like, oh, you're goingthrough that where I'm suffering
too, or I'm lonely too, or Icould use this too and
completely invalidating yourfeelings and making it into this
(20:47):
parent-child dynamic where,instead of trying to meet the
needs of your partner, you'retalking to them like a parent
and talking to them about theburdens that you have going on.
And so the next sign is you'retaking on the role of the
emotional manager.
You're kind of telling them letme tell you how you should be
feeling right now?
Or how many times has yourpartner said if I were you, I
(21:07):
wouldn't have reacted that way.
If I were you, I wouldn't havesaid that.
If I were you, I wouldn't havedone that.
Well, guess what?
They're not you, so they'regoing to handle the situation
differently.
But managing another adult'semotions instead of supporting
them, it's going to come acrossas condescending or controlling,
like duh.
You're not going to respond thesame way because we're not the
same person.
We don't have the same triggers, we don't have the same
(21:28):
background, we don't have thesame trauma.
But when you're consistentlytelling them, this is the way
that you should be reacting.
In this scenario, you areparenting your PMDD partner and
you're repelling any change thatthey could potentially have.
By repelling, I mean instead ofthem changing and wanting to
change and wanting to be betterand wanting to be more
supportive.
They're almost going to stay inthat state of defiance where
(21:50):
they're going to consistentlynot do the things that you're
wanting them to do because theydon't want to feel like they're
forced.
Because if they feel likethey're forced to change because
you're telling them to change,they're going to become bitter,
they're going to becomeresentful and they're going to
become this version ofthemselves that is outside of
who you know that they are.
They're going to start to actout of character because they
(22:10):
don't want to give in.
The ego doesn't want to feellike they're forced into
submission, like I'm beingloving only because you're
telling me that you wantaffection.
You're going to not be nice tome, you're going to treat me
differently unless I'maffectionate with you.
So now I'm going to pretendlike I'm affectionate, like I'm
really, really into it.
So this parenting dynamic oftencomes from a place of fear.
(22:33):
It comes from a place of love,even when you're trying to fix
your partner and help yourpartner, and it also comes from
a place of burnout where you'refeeling the need to consistently
tell your partner this is whatyou need to do.
This is what you need to do.
This is what you need to do.
But it damages trust.
It turns out to make yourpartner feel like you don't
trust them to regulate their ownemotions you to regulate their
(22:53):
own emotions.
You don't trust them to managetheir PMDD symptoms.
You don't trust them to managetheir emotions while they're
going through the luteal phasewith you.
It breaks the intimacy.
You don't feel intimate withsomeone.
That feels like a parent.
I don't wanna make love, havesex, be flirty with someone that
is parenting me and telling meand scolding me and saying you
need to do this and you need todo this and you need to do this,
(23:13):
and saying you need to do thisand you need to do this and you
need to do this, and it messesup your equality.
You never feel like you'reequal with your partner if
they're always superior becausemaybe they're managing their
emotions better than you are.
Maybe, instead of going off onPMDD raids, they're stonewalling
you and shutting down andthey're making it seem like
that's more superior than goingoff.
So now you're feeling shamefuland so there's no equality.
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It's almost like who's doingthe most damage, and so PMD
partners may feel ashamed anddefensive and rebellious in
response to this parenting, andthen the partner that doesn't
have PMD may feel overwhelmedand resentful and trapped in the
caretaker role.
They're always feeling likethey need to take care of you,
like they need to regulate youremotions, they need to get help,
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they need to do double on theirself-care because you can't
manage your own.
When you're in a place whereyou're not managing your
self-care, where you're not ableto regulate your emotions, your
partner may feel like they needto overcompensate for what
you're not doing.
So the best way and I'm gonnateach you this today if you want
your partner to change, if youreally want them to get to a
(24:19):
point where they're shiftingcertain things in their behavior
in a certain way, I want you tostart to look at yourself and
look at the things that you canchange in the relationship and
look at the things that you cando in the relationship and allow
them to fall in line with whatyou are doing.
I need you to influence them,not demand that they act a
certain way.
(24:39):
By influence them, that means,if you're feeling like that the
reason why that their PMDDsymptoms are so horrible maybe
you're feeling like they need todo more self-care, maybe they
need to get more sleep.
Instead of telling them youshould go to sleep right now,
it's time for you to go to sleep, maybe you start go to sleep
right now.
It's time for you to go tosleep.
Maybe you start going to sleepearlier and you just lovingly
giving them a kiss on theforehead or giving them a kiss
on the lips, or giving them ahug and say hey, babe, I'm going
(25:00):
to bed.
You want to join me If you'refeeling like there's a lot of
inflammation in their body.
Maybe the intimacy is sufferingbecause they're not happy in
their body.
This happens with a lot ofshame there, so there's a lot of
insecurity, there's a lot ofjealousy, there's all of these
other issues that are cominginto play and you know that it's
(25:21):
taking a toll on your intimacy.
So maybe you get up in themorning or in the evening and
you say hey, I'm going to go fora walk.
Babe, do you want to go with me?
You're not demanding that theygo.
You're not even making themfeel bad about going.
You're setting the example andsaying this is something that
I'm going to do to make myselffeel better.
Would you like to join me?
Your partner will be way morewilling to go on a walk with you
(25:47):
if you ask in that way, versusyou coming in and saying I
thought you said you're going towalk.
I thought you said you werewatching what you eat.
I thought you said you're goingto do this.
When you're being condescendingand you're being judgy and
you're pointing the finger andyou're starting to criticize
them, they're going to getdefensive and they're going to
start to say well, what aboutyou?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
And you're going to end up inthis cycle of fighting when
initially, all you wanted to dowas to get them to develop a
better habit.
So if this is something thatyou know, that you're saying, dr
(26:10):
Rose, I need my partner tochange in this way.
Ask yourself first how can youchange?
Because I had a lot of clientsthat say I've been asking my
partner hey, we need to go oncounseling sessions with Dr Rose
, we need to talk about a lot ofthe things that are happening
in our PMD relationship andtheir partner wouldn't come.
And you know what happened?
They started booking sessionswith me, one-on-one, and then
they would book the session andtheir partner would see the
(26:32):
progress that would happen withthem internally over the course
of some weeks.
And then they would say, hey,next session I want to go on a
session with you.
You need to be the one to startthe change, to influence them,
not to demand that they change,because you don't want the
change to come with bitterness,with resentment, with the ego.
You want the change to comewhere they're seeing.
(26:53):
Wow, I see that my partner isreally putting forth the effort
in this specific way.
I'm also going to put forth theeffort.
When you put the focus on youand not on your partner, then
you're going to release yourselffrom demanding that your
partner do anything differentlylike a parent-child role and
you're going to say I'm takingresponsibility for my emotions,
(27:13):
I'm taking responsibility for myhealth, I'm taking
responsibility for my emotions,I'm taking responsibility for my
health, I'm takingresponsibility for my actions in
the relationship and I'minviting you to join me.
And it's not going to beimmediate.
It's not like oh, I went to onesession with you.
I don't understand why they'renot going in the session.
Or I went on one walk.
I don't understand.
They need to see a pattern.
It has to be that youintrinsically want to make
yourself and your relationshipbetter and you're willing to do
(27:36):
what it takes in order to do sowithout demanding it of your
partner.
Your partner heard you thefirst time and a lot of times.
They know what it is thatthey're supposed to do.
But you nagging them, youtelling them and blaming them
and shaming them is not going tomake them do anything
differently.
What is going to make them dothings differently is you
influencing them by them seeingyou put forth the effort and you
(27:57):
say I'm going to do thisbecause I value the relationship
.
So this is something that youknow that you need to work on.
This is the perfect time to doit, because I have my discount
that's going on for the month ofJuly, june and July, and I have
the discount code and it'scalled freedom and it's in the
show notes.
So you're saying that you're ata point where you've been
(28:18):
telling your partner maybe youwant to get on sessions, maybe
you want to start developing aplan for PMDD instead of winging
it every month.
Whatever you want to do in yourPMDD relationship, I want you
to have the courage to take thefirst step and not parenting
your partner into persuasion.
Parenting doesn't persuade yourpartner.
It repels your partner.
It makes them not want to dothe things that you genuinely
(28:41):
need and want them to do.
So until next time we got this,I love you.
Today I want to talk to you about something very
important.
If you are trying to get yourpartner to be more supportive,
if you're trying to get yourpartner to be more loving, if
you're trying to get yourpartner to be more affectionate
and this is for the partner thathas premenstrual dysphoric
disorder and the partner thatdoes not there may be this
common mistake that you aremaking that I've seen so often
(00:20):
with my clients and they'remaking this mistake and it's
really preventing them fromgetting their partner to change
in any way within therelationship.
But I wanted to make sure thatI talked about this because it's
done subconsciously and I thinkthat a lot of times you're
getting frustrated becauseyou're consistently telling your
partner that you need them tobe more supportive, telling them
that you need them to do moreof something, telling them that
(00:42):
you need them to do less ofsomething.
Maybe you're saying that youneed to have more space in PMDD.
Maybe you're setting theseboundaries where you're saying
let's not talk about reallyimportant issues during the
luteal phase.
You're trying to put all ofthese boundaries in place and
you're wondering why yourpartner's not listening to you.
You're wondering why they'reconsistently doing things that
you have literally said thatthis is not the right thing to
(01:04):
do.
It's going to be a big blow up,we're going to have a fight,
we're going to have an argument,and then you end up in the same
circle and you get reallyfrustrated with telling your
partner the same thing again andagain, and again and again.
And this is when you start tothink that maybe you're not
compatible, maybe you shouldn'tbe with this partner, because
they're not listening to you orthey're not getting it.
You don't feel seen, you don'tfeel heard, you don't feel
(01:25):
validated, you don't feelappreciated, you don't feel like
they really understand yourstruggle or what you're going
through.
I've been in this case so manytimes and this common mistake
has been made.
So I really wanted to just tellyou about the tools today,
about what you can really dowhen you find yourself in this
frustrated place and that is youare literally.
(01:46):
And when I tell you what it isthat you're doing, I know
there's going to be a lot ofresistance to it, because it's
going to be like Dr Rose, I'mnot doing that, I'm just trying
to tell them, or I need to tellthem, or they don't understand
unless I tell them.
But you may be in this loop andI've been here before and I've
been here subconsciously meaningI haven't consciously done it
(02:06):
in like, hey, I'm presentlydoing this, but I've just been
so frustrated with trying to getmy partner to understand me, to
see me to do the things that Iknow would make our PMDD
relationship better, and I'veended up making this mistake and
I've done this a couple oftimes and I had a pattern of
doing this and it's just been sodamaging and it's a scam and it
(02:27):
doesn't work.
And that is, you are parentingyour PMDD partner and what I
mean by that?
Instead of being their partner,instead of being someone that's
on an equal level, you become aparent to your partner.
When you start to strategicallytell them all the things that
they should be doing, all thethings that they shouldn't be
doing, you call it settingboundaries, but what you're
(02:49):
really doing is putting yourselfin this parental role, because
as soon as they don't do thethings that you told them to do,
or they neglect to do thethings that you did tell them to
do, then you start to withholdaffection, withhold attention,
withhold validation, the sameway that you would tell a child
know a child.
You can't play with your toys,you know, because you didn't
clean your room, kind of deal.
(03:09):
And there's a lot of resistance, right when you're telling your
partner the same thing againand again, and again and you're
wondering why they're notgetting it.
They may be in this place wherethe ego steps in and the ego
does not like to be told what todo in a way that is demeaning,
that is disrespectful.
It'll start to kind of counterback.
If you've ever noticed that yourpartner is acting out of
(03:30):
character meaning they're sayingthings to you that they
wouldn't normally say or they'redoing things that they wouldn't
normally do, that's becauseyou've bruised their ego.
They're feeling resentfultowards doing anything that
you're saying that they shoulddo, because they feel like
they're the child, becauseyou're parenting them.
And I remember thinking tomyself so many times that if I
don't tell them what to do orwhat not to do, they're not
(03:51):
going to understand me, they'renot going to get it, and I
thought I was doing the rightthing by communicating to them
this is what works for me, orthis is what doesn't work for me
, and what I was really doingwas putting myself in that
parental role and this reallystarted to impact my intimacy.
It starts to impact the waythat my partner spoke to me,
because they were getting alittle rebellious.
(04:11):
They were getting rebelliousbecause they were resentful,
because they felt like kind oflike I was treating them like a
child, like I was punking them.
Your partner will start to repelthe things that you're telling
them what to do if they feellike they're being forced to do
it.
Repel the things that you'retelling them what to do if they
feel like they're being forcedto do it.
No one wants to feel likethey're forced to do anything,
because if they feel like you'reforcing them, if they feel like
you're making them, thenthey're going to resist it.
(04:33):
They're almost going tocontinue with that behavior
longer than they would have ifyou hadn't called them out on it
.
And so you know I'm all aboutcalling your partner out when it
comes to behavior that'sdamaging to your PMDD
relationship, but not in a waythat you become apparent,
because, again, one of thebiggest things that happened
when I did this was the intimacy.
The intimacy really went down.
(04:54):
So I want you to ask yourselfare you and your partner still
intimate?
Are you and your partner stillintimate on a consistent basis?
Are you and your partner stillconnecting on an intimate level?
And a lot of times, if theanswer is no, it's because
they're looking at you likeyou're nagging them.
They're never good enough,they're walking on eggshells.
All of these things arepreventing intimacy.
(05:15):
They're preventing you frombeing intimate with your
premenstrual dysphoric disorderpartner.
This is for the partner thathas PMDD and the partner that
doesn't.
So if you've not taken mycourse, my partner has PMDD.
Now what?
One of the biggest mistakes thatI put in one of the first
modules is trying to fix yourpartner.
If this is a partner that haspremenstrual dysphoric disorder,
you're going and you're readingup and doing all this research
(05:37):
and you should take thissupplement.
Or you should stop doing this,or maybe you should cut back on
this and you're starting toparent them in a way that you
would a child and then when yougo to be intimate with them,
they're not looking at you likethey're a partner, like you're
an equal.
They're looking at you likeyou're a parent and they're
going to start to resent beingintimate with you.
They're going to start toresent all of these things
(05:58):
because they're going to startto feel like it's something that
they have to do versussomething that they want to do.
And again, I'm telling you thisbecause a lot of times you're
doing it subconsciously andyou're doing it because you feel
like it's the only way to getyour partner to do the things
that you know that you need themto do.
And you feel like you're you,so you should be able to tell
them, like I know what it isthat I need, I know what it is
(06:18):
that I don't need, so if I don'ttell them, they won't do it.
Here's the thing that I want youto know about your partner.
Your partners are smart.
Your partners are notda-dum-da-dum, meaning you
didn't marry someone, you didn'tagree to be with someone who's
not intelligent.
I was working with a clientearlier this week and they were
so surprised because they wereon a session with us together
(06:39):
and they were saying I know whatshe needs, I know she needs
acts of service, I know sheneeds me to help out more around
the house.
And then they went on to all ofthese other things that were
going on in the relationship andthe other partner was shocked.
She was shocked because she waslike wait, I never thought that
they knew what it is that Ineeded from them.
I thought that I had to tellthem and I'm like no, a lot of
(07:00):
times.
Your partner knows what it isthat you need.
They just don't want to feellike they're doing it because
you're forcing them to do it.
Because you're telling them todo it, it's inauthentic.
If someone feels like the onlyreason that they're doing
something is because you'retelling them to do it, then it
doesn't mean as much and itshouldn't mean as much to you If
you know that the only reasonsomebody is doing something is
because you're forcing them,you're telling them or they're
(07:21):
feeling like there's not goingto be peace in the house unless
they do it.
And I gave this example theother day.
I was saying you know, if I getup in the morning and I you
know, I'm helping my daughterwith certain things, and she's
like I love you, I won't.
I won't feel as fulfilledknowing that she's saying I love
you If I feel like she's doingit because she feels like she
has to do it.
I want her to just be in amoment and desire to say that
(07:42):
she loves me.
And that's when she's saying it.
If I felt like she wasprogrammed to say it or she felt
like you know, if you want tohave breakfast or if you want to
get a treat or if you want todo something good, then you need
to say I love you.
Then it's going to beinauthentic and a lot of times
you are parenting your PMDDpartner and it's really damaging
(08:09):
your relationship and a lot oftimes again, you're doing this
unintentionally.
So I'm going to give you somesigns of what it looks like for
you to be parenting your partner, because I want you to kind of
catch yourself when you're doingit.
When I recognized that this wasdamaging to my relationship and
it wasn't really serving us itwasn't making my partner want to
do the things that I neededthem to do.
Matter of fact, I think it wasone or two times where I noticed
that they were saying thingsand doing things and it wasn't
authentic, because you'll get tothat point where you can feel
(08:31):
like, wait a minute, they don'treally mean that or they're just
saying that and it doesn't feelgood to be on the receiving end
of some kind of attention,affection, love, validation.
That is not genuine.
It's just because they feellike this is something that they
have to do in order to be in arelationship with you.
So the first thing that canhappen when you're parenting
your PMDD partner and again,this is for the partner that has
(08:53):
PMDD and the partner thatdoesn't is you're consistently
correcting or scolding theirbehavior.
You're saying things like youcan't talk to me like that or
you need to calm down.
You're always trying toregulate your partner's emotions
instead of letting themregulate them themselves.
Your partner is never going tolearn how to self-soothe or
regulate their own emotions ifyou're always giving commands
(09:14):
about what emotion they'resupposed to have in each moment.
So this tone sounds more likecorrecting a child than a
partnership that iscommunicating with empathy.
If you're saying to them youcan't talk to me like that right
now, or I don't want you totalk to me like that right now,
that's like a parent.
That's like telling your parenthey, don't raise your voice at
me.
Or if you're telling yourpartner like you need to calm
down right now, that's like aparent.
(09:36):
That's what you tell to yourchild when they start raising
their voice and and they're notable to manage your emotions and
you start to tell them hey, youdon't talk to me like that, you
need to calm down.
That's what you're doing whenyou're parenting your PMDD
partner.
The next sign that you areparenting your PMDD partner is
you're monitoring their moodconsistently.
You're always asking them howthey're feeling, what their mood
(09:58):
is.
Are you okay now?
You seem moody again.
You seem sad.
You seem sad, you seem mad, youseem this.
You seem that You're constantlynagging them and talking about
the emotions that they're havinginstead of letting them process
them.
This used to happen to me somany times where I would just
get quiet or I would beexperiencing an emotion and my
partner would consistently besaying what's wrong?
(10:19):
You seem sad right now, or youseem mad right now, or you seem
this.
Sometimes your partner justneeds to be in this space where
they're able to process theiremotions without consistently
talking about the emotions thatthey're processing.
Give them space and time toprocess their own emotions and
then come to you after they'reprocessed.
A lot of times, when they're inthe middle of it, they can't
even explain to you what emotionthey're having or why they're
(10:41):
having it.
And so when you're consistentlypicking on them and you're
saying, why do you look likethat or why are you so quiet, or
why are you not talking rightnow?
Or it seems like you'redistracted when you're making
assumptions about your partner'smood.
You're checking on them as ifthey are a child.
This can feel like they're undera surveillance camera.
They're going to start to feelsuffocated.
They're going to start to feeltrapped because you're
(11:04):
commenting on every emotion thatthey're having.
It's going to feel likesurveillance instead of support.
So it creates this pressure andreinforces that.
You know they can't regulatethemselves and they need to
always be happy or they need toalways be a certain way in order
for you to not be triggered.
It's going to get to the pointwhere your partner is not going
to feel safe having theirauthentic emotions, unless it's
(11:25):
an emotion that they feel thatyou can handle.
When you get to that point andyou feel like your partner can't
handle you being sad, or yourpartner can't handle you being
mad, or your partner can'thandle you being triggered,
you're going to feel pressure tostay in a state that is not
authentic to how you're reallyfeeling, just so you don't
trigger your partner, and that'swhen they're gonna start to
feel like they're gonna wannaavoid you because they're gonna
(11:47):
be like every single time I getsad, or every single time I get
mad, or every single time I gettriggered.
It's gonna bother them, so Ican't be my authentic self, so
I'm just gonna be better offalone.
They're gonna feel like they'rebetter off alone because when
they're alone they're able toexpress their emotions in any
way that they come up, withouthaving to explain them to
(12:08):
someone, without having toover-explain.
A lot of times you don't knowwhy you're feeling sad or why
you're feeling mad or why you'refeeling triggered, until you've
processed those emotions, andso the next sign that you're
parenting your PMDD partner isyou're controlling their
schedules or routines.
This happens so often when youassume, because they're in a
certain phase of their cycle ohyou should be doing this, or you
(12:28):
normally do this at this time,or maybe you should get more
sleep, or you shouldn't beeating that during your luteal
phase.
When you're consistentlytelling them what they should
and shouldn't be doing duringthe luteal phase, you're
parenting them when, a lot oftimes, every single luteal phase
is different.
There are some months where youwant to eat more and there's
some months where you want toeat less.
Or there's some months whereyou want to sleep more and
(12:50):
there's some months where youcan't really sleep, and there's
certain self-care things thatreally are subjective to the
phase of the cycle that you'rein.
Every single cycle is not goingto be the same.
So if your partner's in thatspace where they're only
expecting you to be the same waythat you were last month and
they're expecting you to be onthis routine and you feel like
you have no, what I callpsychological flexibility
(13:12):
meaning I may have a routinethis month and it can completely
change next month and that maybe based on how I'm feeling in
my cycle.
So, while your intentions maybe good, as the partner we're
trying to keep them on track orkeep them with something that
maybe worked with them the lastcycle, maybe that doesn't work
with them this cycle.
So it crosses into parentingand it lets go of your partner
having the freedom to say, hey,I know this worked for me last
(13:35):
month, but this month it's notworking for me.
If you're consistently tryingto tell them what they should be
doing in their luteal phase andtheir ovulation and your
menstruation and in theirfollicular phase, you're not
allowing them the freedom to bein every phase of their cycle.
Again, this is for the partnerthat has PMDD and the partner
that doesn't.
And the next thing that canhappen when you're parenting
your PMDD partner is, you'remaking decisions without input.
(13:58):
You're assuming that yourpartner because they're in the
luteal phase and they'resuffering with premenstrual
dysphoric disorder symptoms thatthey're not in a place to make
any decisions.
So you're assuming that they'regoing to be moody, or you're
assuming that they're going tobe emotional, or you're assuming
that they're going to have thisrejection sensitivity.
So you start to hold things inor you start to not share
certain things, or you start tomake big decisions on your own
(14:18):
and saying things like I'll justhandle it.
You're too emotional right nowwhile you're in PMDD, or you're
too emotional in the lutealphase.
So this assumes that the partnerthat has PMDD is incapable of
making decisions, which can bedisempowering.
It can make them feel like abroken bird, like they're not
intelligent enough to handlethings.
A lot of times, the individualswho have premenstrual dysphal
(14:39):
disorder they're going to workevery single day.
They're doing their job.
So when you're making it seemlike they're not capable of
doing little things within therelationship, or you're hiding
things from them or saying Ididn't want to say this to them
because I didn't want them to bemad, do not assume.
Check in with your partner andsee how they're really feeling
how they're really doing,without assuming that they're
not able to handle the thingsthat are going on in your
(15:00):
relationship, because thenyou're parenting them instead of
being a partner.
A partner would go to them withwhatever issues are going on in
the relationship, whateverissues are going on in the
household, to see if they'reable to handle it at that moment
.
If a decision needs to be made,let it be after you checked in
with the partner.
So the next sign is you'rewithholding or granting
privileges based on behavior.
(15:21):
You're saying things like ifyou keep this, I'm not going to
go out with you.
We're not going to be able togo to this event, we're not
going to be able to go out inpublic.
If you're going to keep crying,if you're going to keep nagging
me, if we're fighting, thenwe're not going to be able to go
out and go to this social event.
So this turns the relationshipinto a reward and and punishment
system rather than mutualrespect and partnership.
You're basically saying ifyou're going to be on your best
(15:43):
behavior, we can go.
If you're not going to be onyour best behavior, then we
can't go.
And I've been in this situationso many times where my feelings
have been invalidated and it'slike, hey, it seems like you're
too emotional to go out rightnow, or it seems like this is
not a good time.
You're assuming that it's not agood time based off of your
perception.
Instead of asking them like apartner, you're acting like a
(16:04):
parent and you're rewarding themlike, hey, if you can stop
nagging, if we can stop arguing,if you can stop doing all of
these things and being emotional, then we can go out and have a
good time.
If not, let's just cancel thetrip.
How many times have you beenarguing and fighting and then
one partner just canceled thedate and say we're not going out
or I'm not going out with youbecause we're in this situation?
That means you're being aparent.
(16:25):
You're taking away theirability to go socialize because
they haven't been on their bestbehavior.
So the next sign is you're overexplaining or you're lecturing.
You're starting to tell them,give them big, long lectures and
say you need to understand.
When you get like this, itaffects everybody around you.
It's not just about PMDD, it'snot just about you.
(16:45):
There's so much else going onin this world.
There's so much else going onin this relationship, and you're
talking to them like they're achild.
You're giving them the grandbig picture of everything.
But lecturing implies that theindividual who has PMDD is
unaware of their impact oneverybody else, or they're not
trying, which can make them feelshameful, which can make them
feel guilty, which can make youfeel like the parent, you feel
(17:08):
like the daddy or you feel likethe mommy when you're telling
them how their actions impacteveryone else in the
relationship or maybe everybodyelse that they're around, when
they know that Remember, yourpartner is smart.
They're aware of how theirbehavior is impacting other
people, including you.
They don't need you to lecturethem and over-explain how
they're impacting you if they'realready feeling guilty about it
(17:31):
.
And the next sign is that you'reemotionally rescuing them
instead of collaborating withthem, and what I mean by that is
you're just saying don't worry,I'll just fix it for you.
Maybe they went off on theirchild, your child together, and
maybe they did something wherethey acted out of character.
And instead of you all having aconversation with your child
together and saying mommy ordaddy had this, they were in
(17:55):
this mood or they had this kindof reaction and they were
apologizing, instead of youcollaborating on how you can
address the issue, you're sayingdon't worry, I'll just fix it
for you, like a parent would do,where they would kind of like
I'll call the school, I'll callthe school and fix this for you.
So, while it may come from aplace of love, rescuing keeps
the individual with PMDD in ahelpless role and prevents
(18:16):
growth.
It doesn't help them to learnhow to regulate their own
emotions, because they're alwaysgoing to be assuming that
you're going to sweep in and fixit for them.
And so the next sign is that youstart tracking their
premenstrual dysphoric disordercycle without collaboration.
This is for the partner thathas PMDD and the partner that
doesn't.
You may say, oh, I already knowwhere you are in your cycle, so
(18:37):
I knew this would happen.
I already knew that you'regoing to be on PMDD.
I've had partners do thisbefore where maybe one month my
PMDD was at the 20th of themonth, and then we go into the
next month and they're assumingthat I'm in PMDD, even though my
cycle may have moved.
So it may be the 20th of themonth and I'm not in PMDD.
But they're specifically saying, oh, I already knew you were
going to be emotional becauseit's the 20th of the month, and
(18:59):
I'm like oh no, no, no, I'mactually not in PMDD.
How many times have you had toconvince your partner or tell
them incessantly I'm not in PMDD?
I know that you're assumingthat I am, but I'm actually in
ovulation.
I'm actually in my good days,I'm actually on my period.
All of these things.
It creates this power imbalance.
It can feel like intrusivenessrather than support, especially
(19:21):
if it's used to invalidate yourfeelings, especially if you're
assuming that I'm in PMDD whenI'm really not.
Instead of just asking, howmany times have your partner
told you that you're inpremenstrual disorder, you're in
your luteal phase, you're inPMDD?
Instead of just asking andsaying hey, babe, are you in
PMDD right now?
Because I want to make surethat we're handling the
situation in the best waypossible, that's asking a
(19:43):
question and collaborating,versus saying you're in PMDD and
just assuming.
So the next sign is that they'reguilt tripping you into better
behavior.
They're saying do you know howhard it is for you to be in PMDD
?
Do you know how hard it is forme?
Do you know how hard this isfor me too?
Like if you start complainingabout your PMDD symptoms and
then they just go and say youknow, this is so hard for me too
(20:04):
.
It's not just you that's goingthrough this.
They're guilt tripping you andthis may sound like a plea for
empathy, but it's really usedfor manipulation.
It reinforces this parent andchild dynamic where you're
really going in and saying likeyou're not the only one that's
suffering around here.
I'm suffering too.
So you try to tell your partnerabout your symptoms and how
you're feeling.
Or maybe you're the partnerthat doesn't have PMDD and
(20:26):
you're trying to tell yourpartner like, hey, the way that
you're reacting in PMDD, the waythat you're shutting down or
the way that you're rejecting me, it's really impacting me.
And instead of them beingsupportive and collaborative and
saying, okay, how can we fixthis?
They're like, oh, you're goingthrough that where I'm suffering
too, or I'm lonely too, or Icould use this too and
completely invalidating yourfeelings and making it into this
(20:47):
parent-child dynamic where,instead of trying to meet the
needs of your partner, you'retalking to them like a parent
and talking to them about theburdens that you have going on.
And so the next sign is you'retaking on the role of the
emotional manager.
You're kind of telling them letme tell you how you should be
feeling right now?
Or how many times has yourpartner said if I were you, I
(21:07):
wouldn't have reacted that way.
If I were you, I wouldn't havesaid that.
If I were you, I wouldn't havedone that.
Well, guess what?
They're not you, so they'regoing to handle the situation
differently.
But managing another adult'semotions instead of supporting
them, it's going to come acrossas condescending or controlling,
like duh.
You're not going to respond thesame way because we're not the
same person.
We don't have the same triggers, we don't have the same
(21:28):
background, we don't have thesame trauma.
But when you're consistentlytelling them, this is the way
that you should be reacting.
In this scenario, you areparenting your PMDD partner and
you're repelling any change thatthey could potentially have.
By repelling, I mean instead ofthem changing and wanting to
change and wanting to be betterand wanting to be more
supportive.
They're almost going to stay inthat state of defiance where
(21:50):
they're going to consistentlynot do the things that you're
wanting them to do because theydon't want to feel like they're
forced.
Because if they feel likethey're forced to change because
you're telling them to change,they're going to become bitter,
they're going to becomeresentful and they're going to
become this version ofthemselves that is outside of
who you know that they are.
They're going to start to actout of character because they
(22:10):
don't want to give in.
The ego doesn't want to feellike they're forced into
submission, like I'm beingloving only because you're
telling me that you wantaffection.
You're going to not be nice tome, you're going to treat me
differently unless I'maffectionate with you.
So now I'm going to pretendlike I'm affectionate, like I'm
really, really into it.
So this parenting dynamic oftencomes from a place of fear.
(22:33):
It comes from a place of love,even when you're trying to fix
your partner and help yourpartner, and it also comes from
a place of burnout where you'refeeling the need to consistently
tell your partner this is whatyou need to do.
This is what you need to do.
This is what you need to do.
But it damages trust.
It turns out to make yourpartner feel like you don't
trust them to regulate their ownemotions you to regulate their
(22:53):
own emotions.
You don't trust them to managetheir PMDD symptoms.
You don't trust them to managetheir emotions while they're
going through the luteal phasewith you.
It breaks the intimacy.
You don't feel intimate withsomeone.
That feels like a parent.
I don't wanna make love, havesex, be flirty with someone that
is parenting me and telling meand scolding me and saying you
need to do this and you need todo this and you need to do this,
(23:13):
and saying you need to do thisand you need to do this and you
need to do this, and it messesup your equality.
You never feel like you'reequal with your partner if
they're always superior becausemaybe they're managing their
emotions better than you are.
Maybe, instead of going off onPMDD raids, they're stonewalling
you and shutting down andthey're making it seem like
that's more superior than goingoff.
So now you're feeling shamefuland so there's no equality.
(23:37):
It's almost like who's doingthe most damage, and so PMD
partners may feel ashamed anddefensive and rebellious in
response to this parenting, andthen the partner that doesn't
have PMD may feel overwhelmedand resentful and trapped in the
caretaker role.
They're always feeling likethey need to take care of you,
like they need to regulate youremotions, they need to get help,
(23:58):
they need to do double on theirself-care because you can't
manage your own.
When you're in a place whereyou're not managing your
self-care, where you're not ableto regulate your emotions, your
partner may feel like they needto overcompensate for what
you're not doing.
So the best way and I'm gonnateach you this today if you want
your partner to change, if youreally want them to get to a
(24:19):
point where they're shiftingcertain things in their behavior
in a certain way, I want you tostart to look at yourself and
look at the things that you canchange in the relationship and
look at the things that you cando in the relationship and allow
them to fall in line with whatyou are doing.
I need you to influence them,not demand that they act a
certain way.
(24:39):
By influence them, that means,if you're feeling like that the
reason why that their PMDDsymptoms are so horrible maybe
you're feeling like they need todo more self-care, maybe they
need to get more sleep.
Instead of telling them youshould go to sleep right now,
it's time for you to go to sleep, maybe you start go to sleep
right now.
It's time for you to go tosleep.
Maybe you start going to sleepearlier and you just lovingly
giving them a kiss on theforehead or giving them a kiss
on the lips, or giving them ahug and say hey, babe, I'm going
(25:00):
to bed.
You want to join me If you'refeeling like there's a lot of
inflammation in their body.
Maybe the intimacy is sufferingbecause they're not happy in
their body.
This happens with a lot ofshame there, so there's a lot of
insecurity, there's a lot ofjealousy, there's all of these
other issues that are cominginto play and you know that it's
(25:21):
taking a toll on your intimacy.
So maybe you get up in themorning or in the evening and
you say hey, I'm going to go fora walk.
Babe, do you want to go with me?
You're not demanding that theygo.
You're not even making themfeel bad about going.
You're setting the example andsaying this is something that
I'm going to do to make myselffeel better.
Would you like to join me?
Your partner will be way morewilling to go on a walk with you
(25:47):
if you ask in that way, versusyou coming in and saying I
thought you said you're going towalk.
I thought you said you werewatching what you eat.
I thought you said you're goingto do this.
When you're being condescendingand you're being judgy and
you're pointing the finger andyou're starting to criticize
them, they're going to getdefensive and they're going to
start to say well, what aboutyou?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
And you're going to end up inthis cycle of fighting when
initially, all you wanted to dowas to get them to develop a
better habit.
So if this is something thatyou know, that you're saying, dr
(26:10):
Rose, I need my partner tochange in this way.
Ask yourself first how can youchange?
Because I had a lot of clientsthat say I've been asking my
partner hey, we need to go oncounseling sessions with Dr Rose
, we need to talk about a lot ofthe things that are happening
in our PMD relationship andtheir partner wouldn't come.
And you know what happened?
They started booking sessionswith me, one-on-one, and then
they would book the session andtheir partner would see the
(26:32):
progress that would happen withthem internally over the course
of some weeks.
And then they would say, hey,next session I want to go on a
session with you.
You need to be the one to startthe change, to influence them,
not to demand that they change,because you don't want the
change to come with bitterness,with resentment, with the ego.
You want the change to comewhere they're seeing.
(26:53):
Wow, I see that my partner isreally putting forth the effort
in this specific way.
I'm also going to put forth theeffort.
When you put the focus on youand not on your partner, then
you're going to release yourselffrom demanding that your
partner do anything differentlylike a parent-child role and
you're going to say I'm takingresponsibility for my emotions,
(27:13):
I'm taking responsibility for myhealth, I'm taking
responsibility for my emotions,I'm taking responsibility for my
health, I'm takingresponsibility for my actions in
the relationship and I'minviting you to join me.
And it's not going to beimmediate.
It's not like oh, I went to onesession with you.
I don't understand why they'renot going in the session.
Or I went on one walk.
I don't understand.
They need to see a pattern.
It has to be that youintrinsically want to make
yourself and your relationshipbetter and you're willing to do
(27:36):
what it takes in order to do sowithout demanding it of your
partner.
Your partner heard you thefirst time and a lot of times.
They know what it is thatthey're supposed to do.
But you nagging them, youtelling them and blaming them
and shaming them is not going tomake them do anything
differently.
What is going to make them dothings differently is you
influencing them by them seeingyou put forth the effort and you
(27:57):
say I'm going to do thisbecause I value the relationship
.
So this is something that youknow that you need to work on.
This is the perfect time to doit, because I have my discount
that's going on for the month ofJuly, june and July, and I have
the discount code and it'scalled freedom and it's in the
show notes.
So you're saying that you're ata point where you've been
(28:18):
telling your partner maybe youwant to get on sessions, maybe
you want to start developing aplan for PMDD instead of winging
it every month.
Whatever you want to do in yourPMDD relationship, I want you
to have the courage to take thefirst step and not parenting
your partner into persuasion.
Parenting doesn't persuade yourpartner.
It repels your partner.
It makes them not want to dothe things that you genuinely
(28:41):
need and want them to do.
So until next time we got this,I love you.
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