June 19, 2025 • 42 mins
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The silent killer in many PMDD relationships isn't the condition itself—it's the toxic cycle of withheld forgiveness that follows emotional outbursts. When you've made mistakes during your luteal phase that you genuinely regret, the path forward should be apology, forgiveness, and healing. But what happens when your partner accepts your apology on the surface while continuing to weaponize your past mistakes against you?
This episode dives deep into the damaging pattern where one partner becomes stuck in perpetual "apology mode" while the other uses unforgiveness as a form of control. Dr. Rose draws from her own painful experiences and client work to illuminate how this power imbalance develops, sometimes unconsciously, creating a relationship where one person must constantly perform to earn back love that should be freely given.
The psychological toll is devastating—walking on eggshells, feeling perpetually guilty, losing self-respect, and developing codependency where your worth becomes tied to your partner's approval. Meanwhile, the partner withholding forgiveness avoids examining their own contributions to relationship problems while maintaining the upper hand. This creates a perfect storm for PMDD symptoms to worsen as unresolved hurts become triggers during future luteal phases.
True forgiveness isn't transactional or conditional on perfection. It's an acknowledgment of pain coupled with a genuine commitment to move forward without using past mistakes as ammunition. As Dr. Rose powerfully shares, "If I don't have to beg God for forgiveness, why am I begging man?" Breaking free from this cycle requires understanding that forgiveness is a choice to heal, not a tool for manipulation. Ready to transform your relationship from an emotional battleground into a healing partnership? This episode offers the insights and validation you've been searching for.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
So today we're going to talk about asking for
forgiveness in your PMDDrelationship.
When you have done something toyour partner whether it's been
in the luteal phase or any otherphase of your cycle and you've
asked your partner forforgiveness, you've regretted
the actions that you took, youregretted the things that you
said and you asked them forforgiveness.
But it seems like every singletime you get in a fight, every
(00:23):
single time you get in anargument that they're bringing
it back up as if they didn'tforgive you, and you find
yourself a little bit stuckbecause you're in this place
where you cannot go back in timeand you can't recreate a
scenario where you didn't actlike that, or recreate a
scenario where you said theright words, or recreate a
scenario where you werecompletely supportive, because
what happens is, once you've hadtime to really calm down and
(00:48):
think about the situation, onceyour emotions are regulated,
you're looking at the situationcompletely different and you're
probably like I could havehandled that differently, like I
didn't need to say those thingsthat are below the belt, I
didn't need to walk out on themwhile they were in the middle of
pouring their heart out.
I didn't.
You know, there's so manythings because you can replay it
in your mind.
And a lot of times when you'rereplaying it in your mind it is
(01:11):
because you're in the realm of.
You've asked for forgiveness.
They haven't given it to you.
You're not on the same page.
The tension is thick in therelationship.
There's so much stress youcan't really move on until you
get past the situation.
But you're also in a placewhere you feel like there's
nothing that you can do.
You're feeling very hopelessand when you get to this place
you might start to apologizeexcessively, meaning you're
(01:33):
apologizing to your partneragain and again and again for
the same things.
You argue and then they bringup one of the biggest things
that you've done in your lutealphase.
If you're the partner thatsuffers with premenstrual
dysphoric disorder, they maytake one of the most abusive
things that you've done and saidremember that time you threw
something at me.
Or remember that time youyelled and screamed at me and
(01:54):
wished that I was dead.
Or remember that time where yousaid that you didn't want to be
with me.
Or remember that time you saidyou wanted to get a divorce.
Or remember that time that yousaid you wanted to break up.
They go for that thing thatyou've done that has hurt them
the most.
And they keep bringing it upand you apologize again because
sometimes you get to a pointwhere you don't want to hear it.
It sounds so awful, you feel soguilty, it causes you to kind
(02:20):
of like, look at yourself in abad light because you acted so
out of character that you'realmost pissed off that you have
to keep hearing it.
So you start to tell yourpartner, okay, okay, I
understand what you said.
Like I apologize, what more doyou want me to do?
And then they're just like, oh,forget it.
Like you just forget it Becausein their mind they haven't
forgiven you.
In their heart they haven'tforgiven you, but they're
putting you in this place towhere they're actually
(02:41):
consciously or subconsciouslyand I know this because I've
seen my private clients do it,even on sessions, and I've had
to get in the middle of this andmediate it a little bit,
because what it is is, when theyhave no intention of forgiving
you, meaning they want to hold agrudge.
The ego loves to hold a grudge.
(03:02):
When you've been hurt andyou're in that place where you
feel like you've acceptedtreatment that is less than what
you deserve, the ego wants youto get that person back.
That is that little, smallvoice inside of you that's
telling you don't let them talkto you like that or no, you
don't need to answer their phonecall.
Turn your location off or putyour phone on, do not disturb.
Or you see their text messagescoming through, or you hear them
(03:23):
crying on your voicemail, oryou hear them so upset, leaving
you text messages and all thesethings, and you're just refusing
to acknowledge them because youwant them to feel just as hurt
as you felt in the moment.
You have no remorse, you haveno empathy for them, because
you're thinking about how muchthey hurt you.
You're thinking about how darethey come and ask me for
(03:44):
forgiveness now or say thatthey're sorry now when they said
that thing, or they weren'tsorry when they did that thing.
And so, right now that the roleshave switched, there's a power
imbalance, meaning maybe theywere the ones that did something
nasty to you.
They said something nasty toyou, they and you were the one
crying and you were the oneupset and they didn't want to
hear you and they didn't want totalk to you and they shut down.
(04:07):
And now that they want to getback on the same page with you.
They want the intimacy back,they want the connection back.
They want you all to feel likeyou're in a relationship and not
like your roommates or not justlike you're walking on
eggshells.
They want you to be that lovingcouple again.
So now they're willing toapologize because they know that
that's their only way back in,to get you to be the way that
(04:28):
you were before.
But the problem is you're nowin a place where you have the
power, because you can't move onin the relationship until you
feel validated, until you feelseen, until you feel heard,
until you feel like they've paidfor what they've done to you.
And so you're in this placewhere your partner is begging
you for forgiveness.
It places them in thesubmissive role.
(04:49):
They pretty much have to dowhatever you say, until you
decide to forgive them, becauseyou may be stonewalling them,
meaning you're not talking tothem.
And I'm not blaming you orshaming you.
I know exactly what this lookslike from myself, from my
experiences, because I've donethis, and then also for my
private clients.
It's very common in PMDDrelationships and that's why I
want you to really understandwhat it looks like, because
(05:12):
you'll start to beg and itcreates such a unhealthy dynamic
because one person has to bethe bad guy.
I remember so many times in myrelationships I have literally
apologized for things that Iknow that I didn't do just to
keep the peace, just to moveforward, just to get us back on
the same page.
Especially if I knew that wewere maybe going to an outing or
(05:33):
we were going to be aroundfamily and friends, I literally
would apologize and be like I'mso sorry, I did that, and they
would be like eating it up likeGerber.
They would be like, yeah, youshouldn't have done that.
You know, kind of like rubbingit in my face and like, yeah,
it's just, I felt like this andI felt like this and I it would
be eating me up inside because Igenuinely didn't feel like I
did anything wrong.
But not only were they, theylike not fully accepting my
(05:57):
apology, they kept like bringingit up and rubbing it in and
saying how horrible I was to dothis thing to them that I
genuinely didn't feel like I haddone.
Like there's so many times whereyou're just going to see
circumstances differently,you're going to see a
circumstance one way and you cankeep fighting and keep
replaying the scenario again andagain and again, because you're
seeing it from the lens of yourexperience and your emotions
(06:18):
and your feelings and your mood.
And then they're seeing it fromthe same level of their
emotions and their mood and howthey felt.
And those are two separatekinds of emotions.
There's two separate ways to beoffended by a situation where
both of you are in one situationand you both have equally
offended the other person, butone of you might even feel
justified for doing somethingbecause they're like, oh well,
(06:41):
they started it.
It's like I would have neverreacted in that way had they not
said that thing to me, had theynot triggered me by doing this,
had they not done this thingthat I've been asking them to
stop doing, or had they notforgotten something that was so
important to me.
And then my reaction is whatthey keep bringing up, without
them taking responsibility andthinking about what they did to
cause me to have that reaction.
So you're holding on to givingthem forgiveness and they're
(07:06):
holding on to giving youforgiveness because they feel
like your reaction was way outof line and you feel like their
action was way out of line.
So you're never going to seeeye to eye when you get stuck in
this cycle and both of you aregoing to be in this power
imbalance.
I remember there was times whereit was the same situation, but
it's like me and my partnerwould switch.
I would go to apologize andthey'd be like, yeah, like they
(07:27):
never forgave me or they weren'tin a place to forgive me.
They were just like it was apower play.
It wasn't a partnership.
It wasn't like oh, I reallywant to get back on the same
page.
I want us to feel connected.
I want the intimacy back.
I want us to be loving again.
They didn't have any desire todo that because again, the ego
feels good to hold that overyour head.
So you can pretty much do allof these loving things, do all
(07:48):
of these nice things, andthey're going to act like you're
doing absolutely nothing.
That was the part that canliterally drive you crazy.
If you know that you're doingyour best to make up for it.
If you know that you haven'ttalked to them crazy since that
incident.
If you know that you haven'tmistreated them again.
If you know that you havepretty much turned away from the
things that have caused thempain and caused them to hurt and
(08:09):
cause them to be offended.
You know you, you haven'tcontinuously done it, but
they're treating you as ifyou're doing it every single day
.
They're giving you the coldshoulder, as if you literally
done that action, like, say, youyelled at them and you curse
them out or whatever.
I always use that becausehurtful words is a big trigger
in PMDD relationships.
(08:30):
They will literally treat youlike you're calling them a piece
of crap every single day of theweek, even though you haven't
done it in two weeks, even ifthe instance happened last month
, and they're still bringing itup again and again and again.
This is what I want you tounderstand and this is for both
partners for the partner thathas PMDD and the partner that
doesn't.
I don't think that you reallyunderstand what you're doing.
I want to just put that outthere because I know when I work
(08:53):
with my private clients andI've really broken down and been
a mirror to them as to thedamage that not only that
they're doing to the PMDDrelationship, but they're doing
to themselves and they're doingto their partner.
A lot of times you can't seethat, and that is the benefit of
having private sessions with meis I can call out something
that you are unintentionallydoing to hurt your relationship,
and it's not gonna come from aplace of blaming you and shaming
(09:15):
you and saying that you're thebad guy and you're the one that
needs to do the work and allthese things.
It's a matter of if you knowthat you're doing something
that's hurting the relationshipand you want the relationship to
be better and you want to stopsuffering and you want to get
the stress out of yourrelationship.
I'm giving you the opportunityto turn away from doing this.
One specific thing and this onespecific thing that I see that's
(09:37):
very common in PMDDrelationships for the partner
that has PMDD and the partnerthat doesn't is that you are
withholding forgiveness, andthat's actually a form of
emotional manipulation.
It is a form of youmanipulating your partner.
If you regularly refuse toforgive your partner for
(09:59):
behavior during the luteal phaseor even after they've
apologized, they've explained it, you may be starting to use
guilt to control or punish them.
There is a small part of youthat may be again, consciously
or unconsciously, trying topunish your partner because you
have accepted treatment that isless than what you deserve and
(10:19):
the light bulb went off andyou're like I'm better than this
, I don't deserve this, Ideserve to be treated better.
So, instead of you forgivingthem and moving forward in the
relationship, you're withholdingforgiveness, so you're not
telling them this is somethingthat you've done and I can't
really get past it.
This is not going to.
This relationship is not goingto work.
You're staying in therelationship.
This is why it's emotionalmanipulation because you have
(10:42):
one foot out the door, becauseyou're shutting down, because
you're withholding intimacy andyou're withholding connection.
You're not willing to accepttheir apology.
So that's what that looks like.
That's one foot out the door,because you're one foot away
from not being in a relationship.
And then you have the otherfoot in the door, where you're
still there.
You're still showing up, maybeyou're still, you know, having
(11:04):
dinner, taking care of the kids.
You're doing all the thingsthat you would do in a
relationship, except for theloving things.
So it keeps you trapped in acycle of shame.
Your partner's gonna becomedesperate, desperate to earn
your love back, and when thisdesperation comes, they're
willing to do almost anything toget you to forgive them,
(11:25):
because they may have come tothe point where they know that
they messed up.
They know they did the wrongthing in the luteal phase or
follicular phase, any of thephases.
They know they didn't handlethe situation the right way, so
they're not denying it.
They've gotten past the pointof getting defensive and they're
at the point where it's likeyou know what?
I need to go ahead andapologize because they didn't
deserve that.
So they're willing to admitthat they're wrong.
(11:45):
So they're living with thatguilt and shame of what they did
.
That's replaying in their mindagain and again, and again, that
they're remembering everysingle time they're trying to be
intimate with you, every timethey're trying to connect with
you and you're reminding them ofwhy you're not in a place of
being intimate with them orconnecting with them, and
they'll literally try to earnyour love back, earn it back by
(12:06):
doing anything.
And you can notice.
You can notice that they'retrying to earn it back and still
not give it to them.
You know, you know that theyare really, really sorry that
they're not going to do it again, but you almost feel like, uh,
and I've been in this placebefore again, no shaming.
I used to say I don't want to.
I don't want to.
What did I say?
There was a way that I justifiedwithholding intimacy when I was
(12:30):
upset over the behavior that Iwas accepting from a partner and
I would say I don't want toreward bad behavior.
That was my justification.
I was like they did somethingto me.
They really, really hurt me.
They knew they did itintentionally and, even though
they're apologizing, I don'twant to reward bad behavior by
just forgiving them.
Because my fear and I had to getto the bottom of that and
(12:51):
really work through that.
I counseled myself through that.
I was like what is the reasonwhy I'm not just freely giving
them forgiveness, because I knowthat they're not perfect,
they're never going to beperfect.
What is it that I am doing whenI'm holding back the
forgiveness?
Why can't I get over it?
And my fear was that I wasgoing to accept their apology,
(13:12):
forgive them, and then they werejust going to think that they
could do it again.
My fear was this was going tobecome a pattern and I really
didn't want them to do it again.
So my plan was to withholdconnection, intimacy, validation
, affection, attention all ofthose things long enough for
them to feel the same amount ofpain that I was feeling, without
really recognizing I wasemotionally manipulating them
because it wasn't a situationwhere they were like they could
(13:35):
break up with me and they couldleave me, because what are you
going to say?
They're the ones that donesomething wrong, right?
So, when you're in this place,I had to come to terms and you
have to come to terms, and myprivate clients had to come to
terms.
This is emotional manipulation,and so you deserve
accountability and compassionfor what your partner has said
and done to you.
(13:55):
That's wrong, not punishment.
Yes, you as a PMDD partner, asa PMDD sufferer, should be held
accountable for your actions,but you should not be
emotionally tortured for thingsthat you've done within the
relationship.
Forgiveness shouldn't beconditional on perfection.
If you never do anything totrigger me, then I'm going to
(14:16):
forgive you.
We are all human.
We're not monthly villains that, as soon as the luteal phase
comes, we're just looking tohurt each other.
Remember PMDD is the enemy, notyour partner.
That's something that I used tosay all the time, because you
have to rewire your brain,because a lot of times you're
looking at your partner andyou're feeling like they're the
enemy, when really it's PMDD,and not just for the partner
(14:37):
that's suffering withpremenstrual dysphoric disorder.
Pmdd meaning that's the thingthat keeps coming into your
relationship every month andcausing it to be hell, not your
partner.
You trying to navigate it canbecome hell, but it's not
specifically your partner.
And the next thing that happenswhen you start to have your
partner beg for forgiveness, itteaches your partner to
weaponize your vulnerabilities.
(14:58):
This has happened to me and itis so hurtful because people who
have manipulative tendenciespick up on this and what it does
is they may start to figure outyou know what Withholding
forgiveness gives them leverage.
I really want my partner to beloving.
I want my partner to beaffectionate.
(15:20):
I want my partner to beintimate with me.
I want my partner to do allthese things and I know that if
I haven't forgiven them, they'regoing to freely give me that.
So I just want to see how muchI can get out of them.
I want to see how much they'regoing to be loving to me, how
much they're going to be kind tome, how much they're going to
be doing all these things,delaying or denying any kind of
(15:46):
resolution after you have afight, because it's going to
keep them emotionally unstable,apologetic and overly
accommodating, even outside ofyour PMDD window.
Once the partner picks up onthis, like wow, this is easy,
like basically, if during theluteal phase your partner shuts
down, like I used to do, andthey're like kind of like really
stoic, really not emotional andall these things.
They may pick up on the factthat when you have a fight, when
(16:08):
you have an argument and theyhaven't been forgiven, they tend
to be loving in their lutealphase.
It's like a miracle, it's like,oh, my goodness.
So they do have the ability tobe loving in the luteal phase.
They just have to be on theother side of needing me to
forgive them in order for themto be loving.
So you're weaponizing theirvulnerabilities.
You're waiting for them to dosomething.
(16:29):
You're blowing it up.
You're blowing it and I don'twant to say out of proportion,
because it could be somethingreally hurtful, or you're
blowing up something thatthey've done in the past and
been like you know.
This just reminds me of whenyou did this or when you said
this to me, and now, all of asudden, they're filled with
shame and guilt and theyliterally give you whatever it
is that you want, because theydon't want to feel like the bad
(16:50):
guy, they don't want to feellike a monster, they don't want
to feel like a bad partner.
So you're weaponizing becausethey get to this place of
getting really vulnerablebecause you figured out wow,
this is the only way that Ireally get what I want out of
the relationship.
And now I can get affection, Ican get attention, I can get a
validation in the luteal phase,where you previously thought my
gosh, they don't have theability to be loving in the
(17:13):
luteal phase.
And I will tell you that theyhave the ability to be loving in
the luteal phase.
I'm so sorry for everybody thatreally thinks that you can't be
loving when you're in the lutealphase or when you're in PMDD.
You do not have to settle forthat.
If you're the partner that hasPMDD and the partner that
(17:33):
doesn't, please don't think thatthat's normal.
Is it harder?
Do you have to use strategictools?
Do you have to do certainthings to kind of turn it on,
whereas in your follicular phaseit's more natural?
Absolutely.
I'm not saying it's easy and itjust comes natural and some
people can and some people can't.
But I have plenty of clients.
I just had a client email meyesterday and said Dr Rose,
(17:55):
since the sessions that we'vehad, I have two months having
PMDD, having all my symptoms,and my marriage has been great.
We've not fought, we've notargued.
We've been on the same page.
We've used the tools again andagain and again.
And so they're grateful becausethey thought that they didn't
have the ability to be loving intheir luteal phase.
(18:17):
Because that's the lie of PMDD.
Pmdd wants to tell you thatyou're this stoic monster that
can't be loving, like even whenyou.
You know that feeling that youget when you're in PMDD, where
you want to be loving but youjust can't allow yourself to do
it.
That is the most torturousfeeling, when you're feeling
like, or you're telling yourselfcognitively just be loving,
(18:39):
just be loving, but thenemotionally you're not there.
It's like a blank, there'snothing there to give.
And you think that becausethere's nothing there to give,
that you can't be loving towardsyour partner.
And then you feel even guiltyabout it because you know it's
something that you're supposedto do.
But then you're in your lutealphase and you feel like but I
can't do it.
And so the next thing thathappens when you start to get in
(19:01):
this place where one of you arebegging for forgiveness, it
delays you getting over thefight and the argument Begging
keeps the focus on appeasingyour partner's ego.
Remember, the ego is the thingthat is eating this up, like
Gerber I call it.
It's like stopping it up, like,yeah, apologize, yeah, tell me
how horrible you are.
Yeah, yeah, because they'redragging it out.
(19:22):
You start saying that you'resorry, I'm sorry that I hurt
your feelings, and they're like,yeah, I really did hurt my
feelings, like I really didn'tdeserve that.
You know, I can't believe thatyou would talk to me like that,
like this is your way of how youfeel, like you're processing
what your partner did.
Instead of having a privatesession with me and actually
processing the hurt, the trauma,the pain and we can process it
(19:45):
and get rid of it, you'rechoosing to breadcrumb your pain
to your partner, little bylittle, day by day, month by
month, year by year, and thecycle is going to continue, that
you're going to be talkingabout that same instance for a
very long time.
If you never process it, if younever get over it, if you never
(20:07):
truly forgive your partner, ifyou never truly accept their
apology, if you never get to apoint where you like forgive
yourself, you're going to betalking about the same situation
again and again and again, andit's going to keep you.
It's going to have you look atyour partner and not really want
to be with them because you'regoing to be consistently
thinking about this thing thatthey did.
It's going to be hanging overtheir head, like, even when you
(20:29):
have moments where you'refeeling really loving and you're
kind of leaning in, then you'regoing to feel disgusted because
you're going to remember thatthey talked to you like a piece
of crap and it's going to ruineverything because you haven't
fully healed that traumaticevent.
You haven't fully healed thattraumatic comment.
Solve the real issues, whichmay be managing your PMDD
triggers, managing how youcommunicate, rebuilding trust
(20:51):
after trust has been broken,where they've said that they
weren't gonna cross the line.
You created a boundary.
They crossed the boundary againand again and again.
But without you starting towork on that, you will 100% be
in the situation where you'reconsistently apologizing for
things that you're not evenpresently doing, which feels
really weird because you'retrying to move forward.
(21:14):
And I know I've had a lot ofpartners that don't like to talk
about the situation after it'shappened.
It's like it's done, yeah, andI'd be like, yeah, but it's just
the thing that you said it'sdone.
So I've had both.
I've had partners that don'twant to talk about it and they
get really pissed off when I tryto recreate the scenario that
happened, that was so hurtfuland what specifically hurt me
(21:34):
and what should have been doneand what I didn't appreciate and
what I would have appreciatedand all those things that would
have helped me process it.
And I've had partners that havecompletely shut that down and
been like I don't want to talkabout it, basically.
And then I've had ones thatwant to excessively talk about
it, like bring up the textmessage.
You bring up the text message,let's talk about this and what
(21:55):
about this and what about this.
And I videotaped this and I gotlike it's like a sci-fi movie.
You got all this documentation,you got this mystery thing going
on and it's like what is thepoint?
What is the point If we'renever going to resolve it?
What are we doing?
You're not happy, I'm not happy.
It's just going to be likeGroundhog Day.
We're just waking up every daygoing through the same thing and
(22:17):
guess what PMDD is like?
It's clapping its hands becauseit's like you're just giving me
more and more ammunition to usewhen it becomes the luteal
phase.
More and more ammunition to usebecause everything that you
don't forgive, pmdd will use tocause you stress in your
relationship Everything that youdon't forgive for your partner,
pmdd is going to use it.
(22:38):
It's going to become a trigger.
You're going to get criticized,they're going to get defensive.
You're going to end up in thatloop and it really does, you
know, create a toxic cycle ofpeople pleasing, which I am.
I was working with my people, mywhole entourage of
psychologists and coaches andall the things, and one of the
(22:59):
things that they brought up waspeople pleasing and they're like
yeah, you're, you're a peoplepleaser.
And I was like what you know,you're a people pleaser.
And I was like what you know,I'm all about calling someone
out, like, if, just tell me whatI am, but that that was.
That was very shocking for me.
And I do this.
I hire people because I can'tsee that in myself.
I don't see that in myself.
Do I like to please people?
(23:20):
Yes, would I call myself apeople pleaser?
No, but now, knowing what I'vebeen told, you know, they kind
of like lay it all out and giveyou specific examples, like,
well, you told me you did thisand this is a such a.
And then it's like okay, andthis is why even you know me, I
have to go get some help withseeing inside of me and who I am
(23:43):
and my patterns and things, sothat I know how to get out of
toxic cycles that create toxicresults that I don't want to
continue in my life.
And so when you're stuck inapology mode, you're going to
start overcompensating,over-apologizing, over-giving,
over-being, loving, over overexplaining, just to feel worthy
(24:06):
of love again.
You know what this does itopens the door to codependency,
because now I only feel goodabout myself if you tell me that
I'm a good person.
If you tell me I'm a goodperson, then I feel like I'm a
good person.
That is the most horriblemindset to have.
I've had it before and it's socrippling because they have all
the power and I'll do a wholenother episode on that, on
(24:28):
codependency.
They have all the power.
One day they can call you thelove of their life and you feel
so calm, your nervous system isso calm and you're like oh,
finally they see my worth, theysee my value, they love me,
they're approving of me, theythink I'm worth it.
And the next day they could belike oh, you never do anything
for me, you're a piece of crap,and blah, blah, blah.
(24:49):
And I don't even know why I putup with you and I don't even
know why I'm in thisrelationship and I, you know
nobody else would be putting upwith this.
Nobody else would be putting upwith you and all this other
things.
Feeling really safe to feelingreally unsafe, and then you get
burnt out and then there comesthe emotional exhaustion.
(25:11):
You're emotionally exhaustedbecause your worth is hanging on
the dependency of your partnerforgiving you, giving you
permission to take the bricksout of your backpack, like I
talked about before, take theweight off of you.
It feels really heavy to becarrying around the shame and
guilt of something that you'vedone.
That you know, when you actedout of character, that's a tough
(25:34):
one.
It's one thing if you've donesomething to your partner and
you feel like, okay, it was amistake or they deserved it or
it wasn't that bad, but when youfeel like they didn't even do
anything to deserve it, like Ishould have really been able to
manage my emotions better, youknow you're kind of like waving
the white flag.
That's really heavy to carryaround.
(25:57):
And so what happens is you'rethinking about what you did and
if you're in your luteal phase,you're already feeling horrible
about yourself.
You're already feeling low.
Your self-esteem is low, yourself-worth is low.
You start to take the burden ofall the issues in your
relationship.
So it prevents your partnerfrom taking ownership of any of
(26:17):
the reasons why you'restruggling in your relationship.
Pmdd isn't the only issue inyour relationship.
How you acted in your lutealphase isn't the only issue in
your relationship.
But when you're alwaysapologizing, your partner can
avoid looking at their own toxictraits.
Looking at you know how theycan't communicate or ways that
they trigger you.
(26:38):
Your partner will not startworking on themselves as long as
they feel like you still needto work on yourself, because
then they can.
Just they put the point, thefinger at you and it blocks
mutual accountability, which ishuge in PMDD relationships, and
it blocks growth.
You can't grow, you can't moveforward If everything's always
one person's fault, if it'salways your fault.
(26:59):
And then they're like, yeah,because you know you have the
pattern of doing this and youknow you did this before.
It's like you can apologize forone thing and your partner can
take it and run with it.
It's like, oh, they apologizefor this.
Yeah, they're adding theirstuff in there.
Yeah, it's like that time whereyou did this and then the next
(27:20):
thing you know you're going tobe like me, so you're just like
sure I'll be the bad guy.
So many times I did that andyou know what happened.
I'll do another episode on this.
My self-respect was so low whenI did this, when I was begging
for forgiveness, I couldn't moveforward.
(27:41):
I couldn't.
I had no safe space to healfrom what I actually done.
If every time I did something Ifelt like I had to be perfect,
I was always on edge, walking oneggshells.
I walked on eggshells.
My partners walked on eggshells.
I walked on eggshells because Iwas fearing rejection for
something that I couldn't.
Always Before I really had thetools to feel like I can control
(28:02):
my emotions.
In PMDD, I was just like man.
I was dreading PMDD and if youfollow me on Instagram you know
you can even scroll back.
It's all there.
I was like every day.
I was like day one of PMDD, dayone of my ovulation phase.
I was doing the countdownbecause I dreaded doing
(28:22):
something in my luteal phasethat was going to cause my
partner to tell me that I'm abad person and then, all of a
sudden, I would be back tobegging again.
Begging made me bitter.
Begging will make you bitter,because you'll be so bitter that
you're in this place whereyou're feeling less than the
relationship is not going tofeel good because of that power
imbalance.
(28:42):
You're going to be so bitterthat your dynamic in the
relationship is this weak wormof the dust that's always
crawling back to your partnerand begging them and looking at
them and pretty much beingvulnerable with them.
And they're just sitting there.
They can be like looking at you, like yeah, you messed up, or
yeah, you're a piece of crap, oryeah, you said.
(29:03):
Like they don't even have to besaying anything, but they just,
they're just giving the vibe oflike I don't know what to tell
you.
I don't, I don't know what totell you.
Forgiveness should be an act oflove, not a control tactic.
If you're in a PMDDrelationship, you need to learn
how to forgive.
If you need help with that,contact me.
We can work on that.
It's a very, it's a distinctprocess that you can use again
(29:27):
and again and again.
But if you don't know how to doit, if you don't know how to do
it the right way to where yourpartner feels forgiven and
you're actually getting over theissues in your relationship so
you don't have to keep talkingabout them again and again and
again.
You're going to stay in thatcycle.
But real forgiveness isliterally saying I'm validating
you, I see your pain, I see youreffort and I'm still here.
If your partner holdsforgiveness hostage to punish
(29:50):
you, it's a sign of emotionalimmaturity or manipulation.
Again, they can be doing thisconsciously or subconsciously,
meaning they could be doing iton purpose, or they could be
doing that on purpose becausethey're getting something out of
it.
If they're not forgiving you,they're getting something out of
it because they want peace inthe relationship too.
So if they're withholding it,they're either loving the fact
(30:11):
that you're crawling towardsthem and being like oh, please,
please, please, forgive me,forgive me, forgive me.
And then they might you knowwhat they're going to start to
do when this cycle has gottenlike it's gone too far.
They're going to start makingyou prove yourself to them.
You're not going to do that.
(30:32):
You're not going to do that tome again.
You're not going to say that tome again.
Okay, prove it.
When, in reality, how are theysupposed to prove it?
Like, only time will tell howthey're going to treat you
moving forward.
But you're like well, I'm notwilling to open myself up to you
until you prove it to me.
So then they're like okay, I'lldo this to prove it.
What do you want me to do?
I don't know.
This is again.
(30:52):
This is the emotionalmanipulation.
I don't know.
You just think of something andthen I'll tell you if it's good
enough.
That's basically what they sayI don't know.
So then you go and you do allof these grandiose things.
You may go to gift giving.
Whatever their love language is, you may go to gift giving.
Here's another thing they caneven be intimate with you and
(31:15):
still not forgive you.
You may be like oh my gosh, wewere just intimate, it was so
amazing, I felt so connected.
They must've forgiven me, likewe're good.
And then they still bring it uphere's.
Here's the thing with that andI and I had to recognize this
when I one day I just stoppedbegging because I said you know
what I really thought about it?
(31:36):
Because I had, I was humiliatingmyself.
I felt I felt low my self-worthwith felt.
I felt so low begging becauseI'm like dang, was it that bad?
Am I that bad?
Like you know, you start toquestion I'm literally
apologizing, I'm takingaccountability why they don't
want to be with me.
That bad Like, is it that badto be with me that they're not
(31:57):
willing to forgive me so we canmove on?
Then I literally got to thepoint where I was just like you
know what?
Okay.
Then I literally got to thepoint where I was just like you
know what?
Okay, you're not going toforgive me, because if someone's
going to forgive you yourpartner, if they're going to
forgive you, they're going toforgive you.
There should be no amount oftricks that you have to perform
(32:17):
in order to get forgiveness.
Now I'm going to tell you how Icame to this realization.
Regardless of what or who youbelieve in, I believe in God.
If you know me, if you're myprivate client, if you're my
friend, if you know me, you knowI believe in God and not in a
sense of like God, the universeof like.
That's a trigger for me whenyou'd like put it all over there
(32:38):
.
Regardless of what you believein, my relationship with God is
if I apologize, I am forgiven.
So that's what I really thoughtabout one day.
I was leaving church and I waslike wait a minute, I'm begging
this man, begging him doingthings, showing him proving
things, months, burning myselfout, feeling like I'm worth
(32:59):
nothing because he's notforgiving me.
And I said if I don't have tobeg God for forgiveness, why am
I begging man?
When I came to that realization, everything for me changed.
Everything for me changedBecause I said, at any point, I
(33:20):
was making that person my idoland I was putting them above God
and saying like, oh, whateveryou want me to do, whatever you
want me to do, blah, blah, blah.
When, if I really repented,repented and said, oh, I'm sorry
, I'm sorry, god, I didn't, youknow, I shouldn't have done that
, or whatever, however you sayit, like I have a relationship
with God I'm not like super,like formal with it.
(33:43):
Like we have a relationship.
So I can literally go to himwith anything and if I feel like
I really done something wrongand I feel really convicted like
I shouldn't have done that, Igo ask for forgiveness, I move
on and I move on as if I'mforgiven.
And literally the moments of measking for forgiveness are very
frequent, because I'm very like, I hold myself accountable, I'm
(34:05):
very self-aware.
So, like, if I feel like Imistreated somebody or I did
this, I'm going to apologize tothe person.
I'm going to apologize to Godand I'm going to move on.
But what I noticed is Iliterally had the mindset If God
forgave me, I'm good, I'm notgoing to be over here doing
circus tricks and you're stillnot going to forgive me.
Like I told you, they couldsleep with you and still not
(34:30):
forgive you.
You could write them letters,you could burn yourself out, you
could literally be serving themdinner and be in the same house
and doing all these things andwalking on eggshells and if
they're not going to forgive you, they're not going to forgive
you.
And a lot of times, like I said, it could be conscious or
subconscious.
They may want to forgive you,but if they're not there, you're
going to have to wait untilthey process it and they get
there.
I've had a lot of partners cometo me where they're like Dr Rose
(34:52):
I know that you know my partnerwho suffers with PMDD.
They want to move on becausenow they're feeling good,
they're in their follicularphase and, to be honest, I'm
just not there and I help themprocess it so that they can
enjoy the follicular phase, theluteal phase, all the phases,
and they can let it go.
Not, oh, I'm just going to holdon to this because I feel
(35:16):
better about myself and I feelbetter about the things that
I've said and done to you.
Because of what you've said anddone to me, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Begging for forgiveness is ascam.
I don't do it anymore.
I don't advise that you do it.
I just told you all the reasonswhy it creates a very toxic
dynamic in your PMDDrelationship.
(35:37):
If you cannot, with a pureheart, meaning you really mean
it, go to your partner and saybabe, honey, sweetie, my love,
whatever you call them, and sayI know what I did, and then
explain what you did.
I know how it hurt you, I knowthat you didn't deserve that and
I know that I could havehandled the situation
(35:59):
differently.
And, moving forward, I'm goingto do my best to not have this
happen again because I don'twant to see you hurt and I'm
sorry that I took part in youbeing hurt.
Like I'm sorry, that's anapology.
And if they're just like meh orlike okay or thank you, now I
(36:20):
will say, when you areapologizing and you're asking
for forgiveness, ask, don't beg,remember, but don't overdo it,
like, basically, if you ask themfor forgiveness and they're
still showing you that they'renot there, don't?
It's a very fine line If you,if they, if you're waiting for
them to take accountability forwhat they did immediately after
(36:43):
you took accountability for whatyou did, that may not happen.
So what I've actually seenhappen when it comes to these
apologies is you go to apologizeto your partner for the purpose
of having them apologize to you.
So you say yeah, babe, I'msorry that I did that.
That was really messed up, likeI should have handled it
differently.
Blah, blah, blah.
And then they say it's okay, Iforgive you.
(37:03):
And then you're like blink,blink.
And then you're like well, isthere anything that you want to
apologize for?
And then they get defensive andyou're like what you mean?
And it's like yeah, well, Ireally wouldn't have done this
had you not done this.
This is when you get in a cyclewhere you go to apologize and it
goes wrong.
You can literally go to yourpartner to ask for forgiveness
and get forgiven and then end upback in a situation that you're
(37:26):
going to need forgiveness foragain, because you end up back
in another fight, anotherargument, because you try to get
an apology out of someone justbecause you apologize to them.
Wait until your partner isready to apologize and they can
reflect on it.
A lot of times this happens onits own.
It doesn't happen by youprompting them to apologize to
(37:47):
you right after you apologize tothem, because then it's a
transactional thing.
It's like oh, here's my apology, oh, you're gonna give me my
apology back.
Okay, then we're good.
Forgiveness is not transactional.
You're forgiving because yougenuinely feel bad about
something that you've done andyou wanna reconcile and that
comes one-sided.
They have to come to terms withthat.
Like I said, they may come tosome sessions with me and heal.
(38:12):
I may show them some things andsay hey, well, I know that you
came because you had problemswith your partner doing this and
this and this, but I also seethat you contributed in this way
.
And then they're like oh well,I see what you mean.
It literally is so much bettercoming from me and I'm not just
saying that, I've seen it.
I've literally seen it onprivate sessions where I've
(38:34):
worked with a partner or the onethat's suffering with PMDD and
I've been the one to say shedsome light on.
Hey, this is how they'reprobably feeling, like this,
because of this, this and this,and your partner, or you are
more receptive hearing it fromme than you are hearing it from
your partner.
You don't get defensive with me, but you will get defensive
with your partner.
(38:54):
This is why you need to be incounseling.
This is why you need to betalking about these situations
as they're occurring, to notbuild up to where you're in that
cycle of consistently beggingfor forgiveness.
So, again, like I always say, ifthis is something that you know
that you need help with we justgot into the month of June I do
have some sessions left overmonthly, or if you just want a
(39:15):
one-on-one session, just one ofthem, that's fine too.
If you just have a specificissue that you want to work
through, go to the link in theshow notes.
You can email me, rose, atinlovewithpmddcom, or you can
always find me on Instagram,drrose, underscore
inlovewithpmdd, or my TikTok.
Everything is in the show notesand until next time we got this
(39:35):
, I love you.
So today we're going to talk about asking for
forgiveness in your PMDDrelationship.
When you have done something toyour partner whether it's been
in the luteal phase or any otherphase of your cycle and you've
asked your partner forforgiveness, you've regretted
the actions that you took, youregretted the things that you
said and you asked them forforgiveness.
But it seems like every singletime you get in a fight, every
(00:23):
single time you get in anargument that they're bringing
it back up as if they didn'tforgive you, and you find
yourself a little bit stuckbecause you're in this place
where you cannot go back in timeand you can't recreate a
scenario where you didn't actlike that, or recreate a
scenario where you said theright words, or recreate a
scenario where you werecompletely supportive, because
what happens is, once you've hadtime to really calm down and
(00:48):
think about the situation, onceyour emotions are regulated,
you're looking at the situationcompletely different and you're
probably like I could havehandled that differently, like I
didn't need to say those thingsthat are below the belt, I
didn't need to walk out on themwhile they were in the middle of
pouring their heart out.
I didn't.
You know, there's so manythings because you can replay it
in your mind.
And a lot of times when you'rereplaying it in your mind it is
(01:11):
because you're in the realm of.
You've asked for forgiveness.
They haven't given it to you.
You're not on the same page.
The tension is thick in therelationship.
There's so much stress youcan't really move on until you
get past the situation.
But you're also in a placewhere you feel like there's
nothing that you can do.
You're feeling very hopelessand when you get to this place
you might start to apologizeexcessively, meaning you're
(01:33):
apologizing to your partneragain and again and again for
the same things.
You argue and then they bringup one of the biggest things
that you've done in your lutealphase.
If you're the partner thatsuffers with premenstrual
dysphoric disorder, they maytake one of the most abusive
things that you've done and saidremember that time you threw
something at me.
Or remember that time youyelled and screamed at me and
(01:54):
wished that I was dead.
Or remember that time where yousaid that you didn't want to be
with me.
Or remember that time you saidyou wanted to get a divorce.
Or remember that time that yousaid you wanted to break up.
They go for that thing thatyou've done that has hurt them
the most.
And they keep bringing it upand you apologize again because
sometimes you get to a pointwhere you don't want to hear it.
It sounds so awful, you feel soguilty, it causes you to kind
(02:20):
of like, look at yourself in abad light because you acted so
out of character that you'realmost pissed off that you have
to keep hearing it.
So you start to tell yourpartner, okay, okay, I
understand what you said.
Like I apologize, what more doyou want me to do?
And then they're just like, oh,forget it.
Like you just forget it Becausein their mind they haven't
forgiven you.
In their heart they haven'tforgiven you, but they're
putting you in this place towhere they're actually
(02:41):
consciously or subconsciouslyand I know this because I've
seen my private clients do it,even on sessions, and I've had
to get in the middle of this andmediate it a little bit,
because what it is is, when theyhave no intention of forgiving
you, meaning they want to hold agrudge.
The ego loves to hold a grudge.
(03:02):
When you've been hurt andyou're in that place where you
feel like you've acceptedtreatment that is less than what
you deserve, the ego wants youto get that person back.
That is that little, smallvoice inside of you that's
telling you don't let them talkto you like that or no, you
don't need to answer their phonecall.
Turn your location off or putyour phone on, do not disturb.
Or you see their text messagescoming through, or you hear them
(03:23):
crying on your voicemail, oryou hear them so upset, leaving
you text messages and all thesethings, and you're just refusing
to acknowledge them because youwant them to feel just as hurt
as you felt in the moment.
You have no remorse, you haveno empathy for them, because
you're thinking about how muchthey hurt you.
You're thinking about how darethey come and ask me for
(03:44):
forgiveness now or say thatthey're sorry now when they said
that thing, or they weren'tsorry when they did that thing.
And so, right now that the roleshave switched, there's a power
imbalance, meaning maybe theywere the ones that did something
nasty to you.
They said something nasty toyou, they and you were the one
crying and you were the oneupset and they didn't want to
hear you and they didn't want totalk to you and they shut down.
(04:07):
And now that they want to getback on the same page with you.
They want the intimacy back,they want the connection back.
They want you all to feel likeyou're in a relationship and not
like your roommates or not justlike you're walking on
eggshells.
They want you to be that lovingcouple again.
So now they're willing toapologize because they know that
that's their only way back in,to get you to be the way that
(04:28):
you were before.
But the problem is you're nowin a place where you have the
power, because you can't move onin the relationship until you
feel validated, until you feelseen, until you feel heard,
until you feel like they've paidfor what they've done to you.
And so you're in this placewhere your partner is begging
you for forgiveness.
It places them in thesubmissive role.
(04:49):
They pretty much have to dowhatever you say, until you
decide to forgive them, becauseyou may be stonewalling them,
meaning you're not talking tothem.
And I'm not blaming you orshaming you.
I know exactly what this lookslike from myself, from my
experiences, because I've donethis, and then also for my
private clients.
It's very common in PMDDrelationships and that's why I
want you to really understandwhat it looks like, because
(05:12):
you'll start to beg and itcreates such a unhealthy dynamic
because one person has to bethe bad guy.
I remember so many times in myrelationships I have literally
apologized for things that Iknow that I didn't do just to
keep the peace, just to moveforward, just to get us back on
the same page.
Especially if I knew that wewere maybe going to an outing or
(05:33):
we were going to be aroundfamily and friends, I literally
would apologize and be like I'mso sorry, I did that, and they
would be like eating it up likeGerber.
They would be like, yeah, youshouldn't have done that.
You know, kind of like rubbingit in my face and like, yeah,
it's just, I felt like this andI felt like this and I it would
be eating me up inside because Igenuinely didn't feel like I
did anything wrong.
But not only were they, theylike not fully accepting my
(05:57):
apology, they kept like bringingit up and rubbing it in and
saying how horrible I was to dothis thing to them that I
genuinely didn't feel like I haddone.
Like there's so many times whereyou're just going to see
circumstances differently,you're going to see a
circumstance one way and you cankeep fighting and keep
replaying the scenario again andagain and again, because you're
seeing it from the lens of yourexperience and your emotions
(06:18):
and your feelings and your mood.
And then they're seeing it fromthe same level of their
emotions and their mood and howthey felt.
And those are two separatekinds of emotions.
There's two separate ways to beoffended by a situation where
both of you are in one situationand you both have equally
offended the other person, butone of you might even feel
justified for doing somethingbecause they're like, oh well,
(06:41):
they started it.
It's like I would have neverreacted in that way had they not
said that thing to me, had theynot triggered me by doing this,
had they not done this thingthat I've been asking them to
stop doing, or had they notforgotten something that was so
important to me.
And then my reaction is whatthey keep bringing up, without
them taking responsibility andthinking about what they did to
cause me to have that reaction.
So you're holding on to givingthem forgiveness and they're
(07:06):
holding on to giving youforgiveness because they feel
like your reaction was way outof line and you feel like their
action was way out of line.
So you're never going to seeeye to eye when you get stuck in
this cycle and both of you aregoing to be in this power
imbalance.
I remember there was times whereit was the same situation, but
it's like me and my partnerwould switch.
I would go to apologize andthey'd be like, yeah, like they
(07:27):
never forgave me or they weren'tin a place to forgive me.
They were just like it was apower play.
It wasn't a partnership.
It wasn't like oh, I reallywant to get back on the same
page.
I want us to feel connected.
I want the intimacy back.
I want us to be loving again.
They didn't have any desire todo that because again, the ego
feels good to hold that overyour head.
So you can pretty much do allof these loving things, do all
(07:48):
of these nice things, andthey're going to act like you're
doing absolutely nothing.
That was the part that canliterally drive you crazy.
If you know that you're doingyour best to make up for it.
If you know that you haven'ttalked to them crazy since that
incident.
If you know that you haven'tmistreated them again.
If you know that you havepretty much turned away from the
things that have caused thempain and caused them to hurt and
(08:09):
cause them to be offended.
You know you, you haven'tcontinuously done it, but
they're treating you as ifyou're doing it every single day
.
They're giving you the coldshoulder, as if you literally
done that action, like, say, youyelled at them and you curse
them out or whatever.
I always use that becausehurtful words is a big trigger
in PMDD relationships.
(08:30):
They will literally treat youlike you're calling them a piece
of crap every single day of theweek, even though you haven't
done it in two weeks, even ifthe instance happened last month
, and they're still bringing itup again and again and again.
This is what I want you tounderstand and this is for both
partners for the partner thathas PMDD and the partner that
doesn't.
I don't think that you reallyunderstand what you're doing.
I want to just put that outthere because I know when I work
(08:53):
with my private clients andI've really broken down and been
a mirror to them as to thedamage that not only that
they're doing to the PMDDrelationship, but they're doing
to themselves and they're doingto their partner.
A lot of times you can't seethat, and that is the benefit of
having private sessions with meis I can call out something
that you are unintentionallydoing to hurt your relationship,
and it's not gonna come from aplace of blaming you and shaming
(09:15):
you and saying that you're thebad guy and you're the one that
needs to do the work and allthese things.
It's a matter of if you knowthat you're doing something
that's hurting the relationshipand you want the relationship to
be better and you want to stopsuffering and you want to get
the stress out of yourrelationship.
I'm giving you the opportunityto turn away from doing this.
One specific thing and this onespecific thing that I see that's
(09:37):
very common in PMDDrelationships for the partner
that has PMDD and the partnerthat doesn't is that you are
withholding forgiveness, andthat's actually a form of
emotional manipulation.
It is a form of youmanipulating your partner.
If you regularly refuse toforgive your partner for
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behavior during the luteal phaseor even after they've
apologized, they've explained it, you may be starting to use
guilt to control or punish them.
There is a small part of youthat may be again, consciously
or unconsciously, trying topunish your partner because you
have accepted treatment that isless than what you deserve and
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the light bulb went off andyou're like I'm better than this
, I don't deserve this, Ideserve to be treated better.
So, instead of you forgivingthem and moving forward in the
relationship, you're withholdingforgiveness, so you're not
telling them this is somethingthat you've done and I can't
really get past it.
This is not going to.
This relationship is not goingto work.
You're staying in therelationship.
This is why it's emotionalmanipulation because you have
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one foot out the door, becauseyou're shutting down, because
you're withholding intimacy andyou're withholding connection.
You're not willing to accepttheir apology.
So that's what that looks like.
That's one foot out the door,because you're one foot away
from not being in a relationship.
And then you have the otherfoot in the door, where you're
still there.
You're still showing up, maybeyou're still, you know, having
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dinner, taking care of the kids.
You're doing all the thingsthat you would do in a
relationship, except for theloving things.
So it keeps you trapped in acycle of shame.
Your partner's gonna becomedesperate, desperate to earn
your love back, and when thisdesperation comes, they're
willing to do almost anything toget you to forgive them,
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because they may have come tothe point where they know that
they messed up.
They know they did the wrongthing in the luteal phase or
follicular phase, any of thephases.
They know they didn't handlethe situation the right way, so
they're not denying it.
They've gotten past the pointof getting defensive and they're
at the point where it's likeyou know what?
I need to go ahead andapologize because they didn't
deserve that.
So they're willing to admitthat they're wrong.
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So they're living with thatguilt and shame of what they did
.
That's replaying in their mindagain and again, and again, that
they're remembering everysingle time they're trying to be
intimate with you, every timethey're trying to connect with
you and you're reminding them ofwhy you're not in a place of
being intimate with them orconnecting with them, and
they'll literally try to earnyour love back, earn it back by
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doing anything.
And you can notice.
You can notice that they'retrying to earn it back and still
not give it to them.
You know, you know that theyare really, really sorry that
they're not going to do it again, but you almost feel like, uh,
and I've been in this placebefore again, no shaming.
I used to say I don't want to.
I don't want to.
What did I say?
There was a way that I justifiedwithholding intimacy when I was
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upset over the behavior that Iwas accepting from a partner and
I would say I don't want toreward bad behavior.
That was my justification.
I was like they did somethingto me.
They really, really hurt me.
They knew they did itintentionally and, even though
they're apologizing, I don'twant to reward bad behavior by
just forgiving them.
Because my fear and I had to getto the bottom of that and
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really work through that.
I counseled myself through that.
I was like what is the reasonwhy I'm not just freely giving
them forgiveness, because I knowthat they're not perfect,
they're never going to beperfect.
What is it that I am doing whenI'm holding back the
forgiveness?
Why can't I get over it?
And my fear was that I wasgoing to accept their apology,
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forgive them, and then they werejust going to think that they
could do it again.
My fear was this was going tobecome a pattern and I really
didn't want them to do it again.
So my plan was to withholdconnection, intimacy, validation
, affection, attention all ofthose things long enough for
them to feel the same amount ofpain that I was feeling, without
really recognizing I wasemotionally manipulating them
because it wasn't a situationwhere they were like they could
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break up with me and they couldleave me, because what are you
going to say?
They're the ones that donesomething wrong, right?
So, when you're in this place,I had to come to terms and you
have to come to terms, and myprivate clients had to come to
terms.
This is emotional manipulation,and so you deserve
accountability and compassionfor what your partner has said
and done to you.
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That's wrong, not punishment.
Yes, you as a PMDD partner, asa PMDD sufferer, should be held
accountable for your actions,but you should not be
emotionally tortured for thingsthat you've done within the
relationship.
Forgiveness shouldn't beconditional on perfection.
If you never do anything totrigger me, then I'm going to
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forgive you.
We are all human.
We're not monthly villains that, as soon as the luteal phase
comes, we're just looking tohurt each other.
Remember PMDD is the enemy, notyour partner.
That's something that I used tosay all the time, because you
have to rewire your brain,because a lot of times you're
looking at your partner andyou're feeling like they're the
enemy, when really it's PMDD,and not just for the partner
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that's suffering withpremenstrual dysphoric disorder.
Pmdd meaning that's the thingthat keeps coming into your
relationship every month andcausing it to be hell, not your
partner.
You trying to navigate it canbecome hell, but it's not
specifically your partner.
And the next thing that happenswhen you start to have your
partner beg for forgiveness, itteaches your partner to
weaponize your vulnerabilities.
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This has happened to me and itis so hurtful because people who
have manipulative tendenciespick up on this and what it does
is they may start to figure outyou know what Withholding
forgiveness gives them leverage.
I really want my partner to beloving.
I want my partner to beaffectionate.
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I want my partner to beintimate with me.
I want my partner to do allthese things and I know that if
I haven't forgiven them, they'regoing to freely give me that.
So I just want to see how muchI can get out of them.
I want to see how much they'regoing to be loving to me, how
much they're going to be kind tome, how much they're going to
be doing all these things,delaying or denying any kind of
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resolution after you have afight, because it's going to
keep them emotionally unstable,apologetic and overly
accommodating, even outside ofyour PMDD window.
Once the partner picks up onthis, like wow, this is easy,
like basically, if during theluteal phase your partner shuts
down, like I used to do, andthey're like kind of like really
stoic, really not emotional andall these things.
They may pick up on the factthat when you have a fight, when
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you have an argument and theyhaven't been forgiven, they tend
to be loving in their lutealphase.
It's like a miracle, it's like,oh, my goodness.
So they do have the ability tobe loving in the luteal phase.
They just have to be on theother side of needing me to
forgive them in order for themto be loving.
So you're weaponizing theirvulnerabilities.
You're waiting for them to dosomething.
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You're blowing it up.
You're blowing it and I don'twant to say out of proportion,
because it could be somethingreally hurtful, or you're
blowing up something thatthey've done in the past and
been like you know.
This just reminds me of whenyou did this or when you said
this to me, and now, all of asudden, they're filled with
shame and guilt and theyliterally give you whatever it
is that you want, because theydon't want to feel like the bad
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guy, they don't want to feellike a monster, they don't want
to feel like a bad partner.
So you're weaponizing becausethey get to this place of
getting really vulnerablebecause you figured out wow,
this is the only way that Ireally get what I want out of
the relationship.
And now I can get affection, Ican get attention, I can get a
validation in the luteal phase,where you previously thought my
gosh, they don't have theability to be loving in the
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luteal phase.
And I will tell you that theyhave the ability to be loving in
the luteal phase.
I'm so sorry for everybody thatreally thinks that you can't be
loving when you're in the lutealphase or when you're in PMDD.
You do not have to settle forthat.
If you're the partner that hasPMDD and the partner that
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doesn't, please don't think thatthat's normal.
Is it harder?
Do you have to use strategictools?
Do you have to do certainthings to kind of turn it on,
whereas in your follicular phaseit's more natural?
Absolutely.
I'm not saying it's easy and itjust comes natural and some
people can and some people can't.
But I have plenty of clients.
I just had a client email meyesterday and said Dr Rose,
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since the sessions that we'vehad, I have two months having
PMDD, having all my symptoms,and my marriage has been great.
We've not fought, we've notargued.
We've been on the same page.
We've used the tools again andagain and again.
And so they're grateful becausethey thought that they didn't
have the ability to be loving intheir luteal phase.
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Because that's the lie of PMDD.
Pmdd wants to tell you thatyou're this stoic monster that
can't be loving, like even whenyou.
You know that feeling that youget when you're in PMDD, where
you want to be loving but youjust can't allow yourself to do
it.
That is the most torturousfeeling, when you're feeling
like, or you're telling yourselfcognitively just be loving,
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just be loving, but thenemotionally you're not there.
It's like a blank, there'snothing there to give.
And you think that becausethere's nothing there to give,
that you can't be loving towardsyour partner.
And then you feel even guiltyabout it because you know it's
something that you're supposedto do.
But then you're in your lutealphase and you feel like but I
can't do it.
And so the next thing thathappens when you start to get in
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this place where one of you arebegging for forgiveness, it
delays you getting over thefight and the argument Begging
keeps the focus on appeasingyour partner's ego.
Remember, the ego is the thingthat is eating this up, like
Gerber I call it.
It's like stopping it up, like,yeah, apologize, yeah, tell me
how horrible you are.
Yeah, yeah, because they'redragging it out.
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You start saying that you'resorry, I'm sorry that I hurt
your feelings, and they're like,yeah, I really did hurt my
feelings, like I really didn'tdeserve that.
You know, I can't believe thatyou would talk to me like that,
like this is your way of how youfeel, like you're processing
what your partner did.
Instead of having a privatesession with me and actually
processing the hurt, the trauma,the pain and we can process it
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and get rid of it, you'rechoosing to breadcrumb your pain
to your partner, little bylittle, day by day, month by
month, year by year, and thecycle is going to continue, that
you're going to be talkingabout that same instance for a
very long time.
If you never process it, if younever get over it, if you never
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truly forgive your partner, ifyou never truly accept their
apology, if you never get to apoint where you like forgive
yourself, you're going to betalking about the same situation
again and again and again, andit's going to keep you.
It's going to have you look atyour partner and not really want
to be with them because you'regoing to be consistently
thinking about this thing thatthey did.
It's going to be hanging overtheir head, like, even when you
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have moments where you'refeeling really loving and you're
kind of leaning in, then you'regoing to feel disgusted because
you're going to remember thatthey talked to you like a piece
of crap and it's going to ruineverything because you haven't
fully healed that traumaticevent.
You haven't fully healed thattraumatic comment.
Solve the real issues, whichmay be managing your PMDD
triggers, managing how youcommunicate, rebuilding trust
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after trust has been broken,where they've said that they
weren't gonna cross the line.
You created a boundary.
They crossed the boundary againand again and again.
But without you starting towork on that, you will 100% be
in the situation where you'reconsistently apologizing for
things that you're not evenpresently doing, which feels
really weird because you'retrying to move forward.
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And I know I've had a lot ofpartners that don't like to talk
about the situation after it'shappened.
It's like it's done, yeah, andI'd be like, yeah, but it's just
the thing that you said it'sdone.
So I've had both.
I've had partners that don'twant to talk about it and they
get really pissed off when I tryto recreate the scenario that
happened, that was so hurtfuland what specifically hurt me
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and what should have been doneand what I didn't appreciate and
what I would have appreciatedand all those things that would
have helped me process it.
And I've had partners that havecompletely shut that down and
been like I don't want to talkabout it, basically.
And then I've had ones thatwant to excessively talk about
it, like bring up the textmessage.
You bring up the text message,let's talk about this and what
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about this and what about this.
And I videotaped this and I gotlike it's like a sci-fi movie.
You got all this documentation,you got this mystery thing going
on and it's like what is thepoint?
What is the point If we'renever going to resolve it?
What are we doing?
You're not happy, I'm not happy.
It's just going to be likeGroundhog Day.
We're just waking up every daygoing through the same thing and
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guess what PMDD is like?
It's clapping its hands becauseit's like you're just giving me
more and more ammunition to usewhen it becomes the luteal
phase.
More and more ammunition to usebecause everything that you
don't forgive, pmdd will use tocause you stress in your
relationship Everything that youdon't forgive for your partner,
pmdd is going to use it.
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It's going to become a trigger.
You're going to get criticized,they're going to get defensive.
You're going to end up in thatloop and it really does, you
know, create a toxic cycle ofpeople pleasing, which I am.
I was working with my people, mywhole entourage of
psychologists and coaches andall the things, and one of the
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things that they brought up waspeople pleasing and they're like
yeah, you're, you're a peoplepleaser.
And I was like what you know,you're a people pleaser.
And I was like what you know,I'm all about calling someone
out, like, if, just tell me whatI am, but that that was.
That was very shocking for me.
And I do this.
I hire people because I can'tsee that in myself.
I don't see that in myself.
Do I like to please people?
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Yes, would I call myself apeople pleaser?
No, but now, knowing what I'vebeen told, you know, they kind
of like lay it all out and giveyou specific examples, like,
well, you told me you did thisand this is a such a.
And then it's like okay, andthis is why even you know me, I
have to go get some help withseeing inside of me and who I am
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and my patterns and things, sothat I know how to get out of
toxic cycles that create toxicresults that I don't want to
continue in my life.
And so when you're stuck inapology mode, you're going to
start overcompensating,over-apologizing, over-giving,
over-being, loving, over overexplaining, just to feel worthy
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of love again.
You know what this does itopens the door to codependency,
because now I only feel goodabout myself if you tell me that
I'm a good person.
If you tell me I'm a goodperson, then I feel like I'm a
good person.
That is the most horriblemindset to have.
I've had it before and it's socrippling because they have all
the power and I'll do a wholenother episode on that, on
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codependency.
They have all the power.
One day they can call you thelove of their life and you feel
so calm, your nervous system isso calm and you're like oh,
finally they see my worth, theysee my value, they love me,
they're approving of me, theythink I'm worth it.
And the next day they could belike oh, you never do anything
for me, you're a piece of crap,and blah, blah, blah.
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And I don't even know why I putup with you and I don't even
know why I'm in thisrelationship and I, you know
nobody else would be putting upwith this.
Nobody else would be putting upwith you and all this other
things.
Feeling really safe to feelingreally unsafe, and then you get
burnt out and then there comesthe emotional exhaustion.
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You're emotionally exhaustedbecause your worth is hanging on
the dependency of your partnerforgiving you, giving you
permission to take the bricksout of your backpack, like I
talked about before, take theweight off of you.
It feels really heavy to becarrying around the shame and
guilt of something that you'vedone.
That you know, when you actedout of character, that's a tough
(25:34):
one.
It's one thing if you've donesomething to your partner and
you feel like, okay, it was amistake or they deserved it or
it wasn't that bad, but when youfeel like they didn't even do
anything to deserve it, like Ishould have really been able to
manage my emotions better, youknow you're kind of like waving
the white flag.
That's really heavy to carryaround.
(25:57):
And so what happens is you'rethinking about what you did and
if you're in your luteal phase,you're already feeling horrible
about yourself.
You're already feeling low.
Your self-esteem is low, yourself-worth is low.
You start to take the burden ofall the issues in your
relationship.
So it prevents your partnerfrom taking ownership of any of
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the reasons why you'restruggling in your relationship.
Pmdd isn't the only issue inyour relationship.
How you acted in your lutealphase isn't the only issue in
your relationship.
But when you're alwaysapologizing, your partner can
avoid looking at their own toxictraits.
Looking at you know how theycan't communicate or ways that
they trigger you.
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Your partner will not startworking on themselves as long as
they feel like you still needto work on yourself, because
then they can.
Just they put the point, thefinger at you and it blocks
mutual accountability, which ishuge in PMDD relationships, and
it blocks growth.
You can't grow, you can't moveforward If everything's always
one person's fault, if it'salways your fault.
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And then they're like, yeah,because you know you have the
pattern of doing this and youknow you did this before.
It's like you can apologize forone thing and your partner can
take it and run with it.
It's like, oh, they apologizefor this.
Yeah, they're adding theirstuff in there.
Yeah, it's like that time whereyou did this and then the next
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thing you know you're going tobe like me, so you're just like
sure I'll be the bad guy.
So many times I did that andyou know what happened.
I'll do another episode on this.
My self-respect was so low whenI did this, when I was begging
for forgiveness, I couldn't moveforward.
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I couldn't.
I had no safe space to healfrom what I actually done.
If every time I did something Ifelt like I had to be perfect,
I was always on edge, walking oneggshells.
I walked on eggshells.
My partners walked on eggshells.
I walked on eggshells because Iwas fearing rejection for
something that I couldn't.
Always Before I really had thetools to feel like I can control
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my emotions.
In PMDD, I was just like man.
I was dreading PMDD and if youfollow me on Instagram you know
you can even scroll back.
It's all there.
I was like every day.
I was like day one of PMDD, dayone of my ovulation phase.
I was doing the countdownbecause I dreaded doing
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something in my luteal phasethat was going to cause my
partner to tell me that I'm abad person and then, all of a
sudden, I would be back tobegging again.
Begging made me bitter.
Begging will make you bitter,because you'll be so bitter that
you're in this place whereyou're feeling less than the
relationship is not going tofeel good because of that power
imbalance.
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You're going to be so bitterthat your dynamic in the
relationship is this weak wormof the dust that's always
crawling back to your partnerand begging them and looking at
them and pretty much beingvulnerable with them.
And they're just sitting there.
They can be like looking at you, like yeah, you messed up, or
yeah, you're a piece of crap, oryeah, you said.
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Like they don't even have to besaying anything, but they just,
they're just giving the vibe oflike I don't know what to tell
you.
I don't, I don't know what totell you.
Forgiveness should be an act oflove, not a control tactic.
If you're in a PMDDrelationship, you need to learn
how to forgive.
If you need help with that,contact me.
We can work on that.
It's a very, it's a distinctprocess that you can use again
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and again and again.
But if you don't know how to doit, if you don't know how to do
it the right way to where yourpartner feels forgiven and
you're actually getting over theissues in your relationship so
you don't have to keep talkingabout them again and again and
again.
You're going to stay in thatcycle.
But real forgiveness isliterally saying I'm validating
you, I see your pain, I see youreffort and I'm still here.
If your partner holdsforgiveness hostage to punish
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you, it's a sign of emotionalimmaturity or manipulation.
Again, they can be doing thisconsciously or subconsciously,
meaning they could be doing iton purpose, or they could be
doing that on purpose becausethey're getting something out of
it.
If they're not forgiving you,they're getting something out of
it because they want peace inthe relationship too.
So if they're withholding it,they're either loving the fact
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that you're crawling towardsthem and being like oh, please,
please, please, forgive me,forgive me, forgive me.
And then they might you knowwhat they're going to start to
do when this cycle has gottenlike it's gone too far.
They're going to start makingyou prove yourself to them.
You're not going to do that.
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You're not going to do that tome again.
You're not going to say that tome again.
Okay, prove it.
When, in reality, how are theysupposed to prove it?
Like, only time will tell howthey're going to treat you
moving forward.
But you're like well, I'm notwilling to open myself up to you
until you prove it to me.
So then they're like okay, I'lldo this to prove it.
What do you want me to do?
I don't know.
This is again.
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This is the emotionalmanipulation.
I don't know.
You just think of something andthen I'll tell you if it's good
enough.
That's basically what they sayI don't know.
So then you go and you do allof these grandiose things.
You may go to gift giving.
Whatever their love language is, you may go to gift giving.
Here's another thing they caneven be intimate with you and
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still not forgive you.
You may be like oh my gosh, wewere just intimate, it was so
amazing, I felt so connected.
They must've forgiven me, likewe're good.
And then they still bring it uphere's.
Here's the thing with that andI and I had to recognize this
when I one day I just stoppedbegging because I said you know
what I really thought about it?
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Because I had, I was humiliatingmyself.
I felt I felt low my self-worthwith felt.
I felt so low begging becauseI'm like dang, was it that bad?
Am I that bad?
Like you know, you start toquestion I'm literally
apologizing, I'm takingaccountability why they don't
want to be with me.
That bad Like, is it that badto be with me that they're not
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willing to forgive me so we canmove on?
Then I literally got to thepoint where I was just like you
know what?
Okay.
Then I literally got to thepoint where I was just like you
know what?
Okay, you're not going toforgive me, because if someone's
going to forgive you yourpartner, if they're going to
forgive you, they're going toforgive you.
There should be no amount oftricks that you have to perform
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in order to get forgiveness.
Now I'm going to tell you how Icame to this realization.
Regardless of what or who youbelieve in, I believe in God.
If you know me, if you're myprivate client, if you're my
friend, if you know me, you knowI believe in God and not in a
sense of like God, the universeof like.
That's a trigger for me whenyou'd like put it all over there
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.
Regardless of what you believein, my relationship with God is
if I apologize, I am forgiven.
So that's what I really thoughtabout one day.
I was leaving church and I waslike wait a minute, I'm begging
this man, begging him doingthings, showing him proving
things, months, burning myselfout, feeling like I'm worth
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nothing because he's notforgiving me.
And I said if I don't have tobeg God for forgiveness, why am
I begging man?
When I came to that realization, everything for me changed.
Everything for me changedBecause I said, at any point, I
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was making that person my idoland I was putting them above God
and saying like, oh, whateveryou want me to do, whatever you
want me to do, blah, blah, blah.
When, if I really repented,repented and said, oh, I'm sorry
, I'm sorry, god, I didn't, youknow, I shouldn't have done that
, or whatever, however you sayit, like I have a relationship
with God I'm not like super,like formal with it.
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Like we have a relationship.
So I can literally go to himwith anything and if I feel like
I really done something wrongand I feel really convicted like
I shouldn't have done that, Igo ask for forgiveness, I move
on and I move on as if I'mforgiven.
And literally the moments of measking for forgiveness are very
frequent, because I'm very like, I hold myself accountable, I'm
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very self-aware.
So, like, if I feel like Imistreated somebody or I did
this, I'm going to apologize tothe person.
I'm going to apologize to Godand I'm going to move on.
But what I noticed is Iliterally had the mindset If God
forgave me, I'm good, I'm notgoing to be over here doing
circus tricks and you're stillnot going to forgive me.
Like I told you, they couldsleep with you and still not
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forgive you.
You could write them letters,you could burn yourself out, you
could literally be serving themdinner and be in the same house
and doing all these things andwalking on eggshells and if
they're not going to forgive you, they're not going to forgive
you.
And a lot of times, like I said, it could be conscious or
subconscious.
They may want to forgive you,but if they're not there, you're
going to have to wait untilthey process it and they get
there.
I've had a lot of partners cometo me where they're like Dr Rose
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I know that you know my partnerwho suffers with PMDD.
They want to move on becausenow they're feeling good,
they're in their follicularphase and, to be honest, I'm
just not there and I help themprocess it so that they can
enjoy the follicular phase, theluteal phase, all the phases,
and they can let it go.
Not, oh, I'm just going to holdon to this because I feel
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better about myself and I feelbetter about the things that
I've said and done to you.
Because of what you've said anddone to me, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Begging for forgiveness is ascam.
I don't do it anymore.
I don't advise that you do it.
I just told you all the reasonswhy it creates a very toxic
dynamic in your PMDDrelationship.
(35:37):
If you cannot, with a pureheart, meaning you really mean
it, go to your partner and saybabe, honey, sweetie, my love,
whatever you call them, and sayI know what I did, and then
explain what you did.
I know how it hurt you, I knowthat you didn't deserve that and
I know that I could havehandled the situation
(35:59):
differently.
And, moving forward, I'm goingto do my best to not have this
happen again because I don'twant to see you hurt and I'm
sorry that I took part in youbeing hurt.
Like I'm sorry, that's anapology.
And if they're just like meh orlike okay or thank you, now I
(36:20):
will say, when you areapologizing and you're asking
for forgiveness, ask, don't beg,remember, but don't overdo it,
like, basically, if you ask themfor forgiveness and they're
still showing you that they'renot there, don't?
It's a very fine line If you,if they, if you're waiting for
them to take accountability forwhat they did immediately after
(36:43):
you took accountability for whatyou did, that may not happen.
So what I've actually seenhappen when it comes to these
apologies is you go to apologizeto your partner for the purpose
of having them apologize to you.
So you say yeah, babe, I'msorry that I did that.
That was really messed up, likeI should have handled it
differently.
Blah, blah, blah.
And then they say it's okay, Iforgive you.
(37:03):
And then you're like blink,blink.
And then you're like well, isthere anything that you want to
apologize for?
And then they get defensive andyou're like what you mean?
And it's like yeah, well, Ireally wouldn't have done this
had you not done this.
This is when you get in a cyclewhere you go to apologize and it
goes wrong.
You can literally go to yourpartner to ask for forgiveness
and get forgiven and then end upback in a situation that you're
(37:26):
going to need forgiveness foragain, because you end up back
in another fight, anotherargument, because you try to get
an apology out of someone justbecause you apologize to them.
Wait until your partner isready to apologize and they can
reflect on it.
A lot of times this happens onits own.
It doesn't happen by youprompting them to apologize to
(37:47):
you right after you apologize tothem, because then it's a
transactional thing.
It's like oh, here's my apology, oh, you're gonna give me my
apology back.
Okay, then we're good.
Forgiveness is not transactional.
You're forgiving because yougenuinely feel bad about
something that you've done andyou wanna reconcile and that
comes one-sided.
They have to come to terms withthat.
Like I said, they may come tosome sessions with me and heal.
(38:12):
I may show them some things andsay hey, well, I know that you
came because you had problemswith your partner doing this and
this and this, but I also seethat you contributed in this way
.
And then they're like oh well,I see what you mean.
It literally is so much bettercoming from me and I'm not just
saying that, I've seen it.
I've literally seen it onprivate sessions where I've
(38:34):
worked with a partner or the onethat's suffering with PMDD and
I've been the one to say shedsome light on.
Hey, this is how they'reprobably feeling, like this,
because of this, this and this,and your partner, or you are
more receptive hearing it fromme than you are hearing it from
your partner.
You don't get defensive with me, but you will get defensive
with your partner.
(38:54):
This is why you need to be incounseling.
This is why you need to betalking about these situations
as they're occurring, to notbuild up to where you're in that
cycle of consistently beggingfor forgiveness.
So, again, like I always say, ifthis is something that you know
that you need help with we justgot into the month of June I do
have some sessions left overmonthly, or if you just want a
(39:15):
one-on-one session, just one ofthem, that's fine too.
If you just have a specificissue that you want to work
through, go to the link in theshow notes.
You can email me, rose, atinlovewithpmddcom, or you can
always find me on Instagram,drrose, underscore
inlovewithpmdd, or my TikTok.
Everything is in the show notesand until next time we got this
(39:35):
, I love you.
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