August 26, 2024 • 54 mins
Limerence and its profound impact on relationships can often be misunderstood and conflated with other emotional states. Join me as I unravel my own journey through the euphoric highs and obsessive thoughts that define limerence, and how it interplays with conditions like OCD, ADHD, and trauma during the luteal phase. Learn to identify the signs of being in a limerent state, from constant thoughts about the person to overanalyzing every interaction. You’ll gain insights into how these obsessive behaviors can take a toll on your emotional well-being and complicate your relationships.
Struggling to let go when feelings are unreciprocated? You’re not alone. I share my personal battles, including dealing with love-bombing and breadcrumbing, and how neurotransmitters like dopamine can make the attachment feel almost unbreakable. Understand how hormonal fluctuations and attachment styles contribute to this emotional turmoil, and why breaking free from these patterns is crucial for your mental health. Learn about the emotional challenges of maintaining no contact and the importance of cutting off all forms of communication to ultimately find peace.
Want practical steps to navigate these intense emotions? This episode covers it all, from engaging in self-care activities to seeking support and understanding the roots of limerence. Discover the role of trauma and insecure attachment styles in making individuals more susceptible to limerence and how awareness can lead to healthier dating practices. Whether through private sessions or my upcoming Trauma Transformation course, you’ll find resources to help you break free and make informed decisions for your well-being. Join me for a deep dive into the complexities of limerence and uncover the path to emotional freedom.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Today I'm going to be talking to you about being
obsessed with your partner orthe person that you are dating
while you are in PMDD.
So I'm so excited to talk toyou about this term because, as
I was working with a privateclient and we were really
working on things that they weregoing through when they were
(00:22):
describing it and they thoughtit's just, I have an anxious
attachment style, I'm obsessingover my partner, I'm obsessing
over everything that they'resaying, they're doing, I'm
overanalyzing things, I'm havingall of these intrusive thoughts
.
I feel like I can't concentrateon anything else because
everything is revolving aroundmy partner or this.
This actually was with theperson that they were dating.
(00:44):
They're looking at textmessages and they're
overanalyzing them and theycan't really focus on work, they
can't focus on their kids, theycan't focus on anything else,
because they are literallyobsessed with their person,
their partner or this personthat they're dating, and what
they thought was just, you know,an anxious attachment style.
(01:04):
I was listening to it and I waslike no, no, no, it's something
more than this, and I reallydon't know why people do not
talk about the combinationbetween this term that I'm going
to teach you about today andPMDD.
So a lot of times, when we haveother symptoms, other disorders
, other things OCD, ADHD, autism, trauma, all of these things
(01:30):
that you mix them with PNDD, itmakes your experience
exasperated when you go intoyour luteal phase, it makes
everything that you go through.
It makes you suffer even more.
So the term that I am going totalk to you about today is
called limerence.
Okay, and what limerence is?
It's an intense emotional statecategorized by obsessive
(01:52):
thoughts or infatuations about aperson that you like.
So it's uncontrollable.
It's this intense romanticinfatuation with the individual
which is called your LO, so yourlimerent object, the object of
your affection.
And I remember experiencingthis myself.
(02:13):
So when I was like, oh my gosh,oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I have
limerence, I am operating withinlimerence, and let me tell you
how.
I knew that I was and ithappened so suddenly.
It almost caught me off guard.
So I was dating this guy and Iremember it so clearly now
because I remember how intensethe feelings were and I really
(02:36):
thought to myself I really likethis person, I really really
like them.
We're so compatible.
I finally found my match.
All of these things.
It created this intensitywithin my mind, this intensity
within my body.
I was just overly happy, overlyjoyed how I experience ovulation
(02:57):
.
When I'm in ovulation I havereally high energy, I'm really
positive.
I know a lot of you say thatyou have symptoms in ovulation.
I really don't.
I really just live my best lifein ovulation.
I feel like, oh, this is whoI'm supposed to be.
I wish I was this person allmonth long.
You know how you have days inyour follicular phase where you
feel like I wish I could feellike this all month long.
(03:19):
That's me in ovulation.
And I remember dating this guyand feeling like I was on top of
the world, Like I was floatingand things that would have
normally bothered me didn't evenbother me anymore, Like I was
just super nice, I was superaffectionate, I was.
Every time I saw a text messageI like I lit up, like literally
(03:40):
was smiling, reading my texts.
I had changed, like their nameand my phone to have the little
heart eyes around it.
I just felt so happy.
Every single time they text me,I got this dopamine hit.
I'm very self-aware, so I knowwhat's going on with my mind and
my body, so I know.
When I was in that state oflimerence, I was on cloud nine.
(04:02):
There was nothing that he couldsay, nothing that he could do.
That would push me off.
I was seeing flaws in him and Iwas on cloud nine.
There was nothing that he couldsay, nothing that he could do
that would push me off.
I was seeing flaws in him and Iwas making excuses for them,
like, oh, I think that's so cute.
I normally prefer and like aperson that gets up in the
morning and has a morningroutine like me, likes to stay
active, all of these things,because then we have something
(04:22):
in common and we can motivateeach other.
That's what I was saying withmy ex.
It's like one of the thingsthat connected us was that we
got up in the morning and hadthis morning routine.
Well, this person that I hadthis limerence effect with this
intense, involuntary obsessionwith I, they slept in and I was
making excuses oh, that's socute that they sleep in.
(04:43):
And I was like when we'retogether, we're living together.
You know, it'll be cute that Icould get up and do my morning
routine and they could still bein bed and I would take a shower
and climb back into bed withthem and cuddle with them and I
was literally like a walkingHallmark movie, Like you would
think.
Like I was like Cinderella andlike the little rats and stuff
(05:04):
were making my bed, Birds werechirping outside my window, Like
I was on cloud nine.
I saw everything.
Like I was in my follicularphase.
Everything was just morebeautiful.
I was completely obsessed.
So when you're in this state,I'm going to give you some signs
that you may have experiencedlimerence, or you may be in it
(05:25):
because my client that I had wasin it right then.
And what you're basicallywanting, what the object of your
affection is with this person,is you want to know that the
feelings that you have for themare reciprocated.
That is the goal.
The goal is for you to knowthat the person feels the way
(05:45):
you feel about them is the waythey feel about you.
And what keeps you in thisstate of limerence is the
uncertainty because you haven'tactually gotten confirmation
that the person feels the sameway about you, breadcrumbed you,
They've given you some sort ofI like you, but they haven't
said I love you, I want to bewith you forever, complete
(06:11):
commitment, and that's like yourgoal.
Because you're fantasizing aboutthis person, You're thinking
you found the one.
You're thinking that this isgoing to be your person,
especially when you're in yourluteal phase and you're feeling
like you're in PMDD and you'refeeling like, oh, this person is
so nice, they're so giving,they're so generous.
You're kind of looking atseeing that they have flaws but
making excuses.
Like I told you, this personslept in, was not active.
(06:33):
It's almost the antithesis ofwhat you would normally go for.
But if you're dating someoneand you would normally go for
their type, but all of a suddenyou're completely obsessed with
this type, that means you're ina state of limerence.
So I'm going to give you 10signs that you're in a state of
limerence with either yourpartner or someone that you're
dating, and then I'm going togive you the tools of what to do
(06:55):
about it.
So remember, this is intense,intense romantic infatuation.
So the first sign that you're ina state of limerence is you
have obsessive thinking,intrusive thoughts, persistently
about that person.
Again, the LO, the limerenceobject.
You're obsessively thinkingabout them.
(07:16):
You're obsessively looking attext messages from them.
You're overthinking the textmessages.
You're wondering what theymeant by the text messages.
You're overanalyzing everythingthat they say and do.
You are looking at their bodylanguage when you're with them
and you're wondering if they'releaning in, You're feeling
really clingy, You're feelingreally needy, You're feeling
(07:37):
like I hope that they like me.
You're feeling a little bitinsecure around them.
So the next sign is thisidealization.
What this means is you'reviewing this person as perfect
or flawless.
You're ignoring like I told you, you're ignoring their flaws,
You're overestimating theirpositive qualities.
(07:57):
You're thinking that they'remore than they really are.
You're pretty much idolizingthis person, right, Like they
could do no wrong.
And I remember being in thisstate because I was talking
about this person's career andhow great of a dad they were and
like all of these things that Ireally had no proof of.
Like I had no proof that theydid.
(08:18):
Probably like one thing theylike said that they were taking
their kid to camp, and I waslike, oh my gosh, they're such a
great dad.
And when this person doesthings like love bombing you
meaning they say things likebecause I'm a victim of love
bombing, that's my go-toRemember we talked about this
(08:38):
before on another episode, orthe episode that's going to be
coming out when someone startsto love bomb me with saying all
these things about what we coulddo, we could do this and we
could do that and one day we'relike I like to do a lot of
active things.
So if they start to putthemselves in my day, this is
what this person did.
So, basically, this is how Igot into the state of limerence.
We started texting a lot, and somy love language is words of
(09:02):
affirmation.
So you can really like cheatcode.
You can really get in with mewith words.
With texting, I can fall inlove or fall in, not in love.
I can fall in limerence withtexting because I love to share.
I vlog a lot, so I love to sharevideos, I love to share
pictures.
I'm like one of those flipbooks Back in the day where you
(09:24):
had those flip books with allthe pictures and you just you
flip it really fast and it'slike a movie, Like I vlog all
day long.
Anyway, if you follow me onInstagram, you know this.
So I'm always documenting mylife.
So when I like a person, I willyou'll you'll really feel
connected to me because I willbe sharing my day with you like
a day in the life with Dr Rose.
Be sharing my day with you likea day in the life with Dr Rose.
(09:46):
You know like, and I do so manydifferent things Like I,
throughout my day.
You know, I homeschool mydaughter, who's in high school.
I have a whole other job.
I have private clients Like Iwork out every single day.
I have other clients that arenot PMDD, that are just
trauma-based oh, that's anotherthing.
So I have a course coming outfor all of you.
Sidebar, I have a course comingout called Trauma Transformation
(10:09):
.
So you know how I always teachyou my trauma transformational
tools.
Well, I'm teaching this otherclass with this company and they
allowed me to open it up to thepublic.
So if you DM me, all you haveto do is DM me your first name,
last name, phone number andemail and you have free access
to this eight-week course.
It starts on August the 7th.
August the 7th the coursestarts and you'll be able to
(10:30):
have free live teaching with meand a small group for over eight
weeks.
All about trauma, all aboutintrusive thoughts, all about
the symptoms and all the thingsbut sidebar.
So this person I was sharingeverything with.
So the next sign that you're ina state of limerence is is what
(10:51):
I was going through.
It was this feeling and intenseemotional need for
reciprocation.
You're wanting that validationfrom the other person, meaning
your mood is being influenced bythem, Like when, when they send
you a text message, when theycall you, when they do something
, you're happy.
When you're not hearing fromthem, you're anxious, you're sad
, you're withdrawn, you'refeeling down.
(11:12):
You can even feel depressed.
I remember there was one timewhere he just didn't text me for
that night and I went fromlistening to this high vibe.
I was listening to some highvibe like electric dance music,
EDM music, Because when we weretexting back and forth I felt
like I was on cloud nine.
That evening, when I didn't getany text messages from him, I
(11:33):
was listening to Adele, the sadlove songs.
I was feeling so down.
My emotions were dependent onwhether he was contacting me or
not and I couldn't control it.
I literally didn't feel happieragain until he texts me, like
the next morning.
And then, all of a sudden, Iwas back being happy again and I
was like what is going on?
I was like what is going onBecause it was so uncontrollable
(11:54):
.
It was like I didn't have theremote control, I didn't have
the joystick, Like I was in thisvideo game, but I didn't have
the joystick.
He was literally in control ofmy emotions.
And so the next sign that youare in limerence is you're often
daydreaming, you are havingfantasies about this person,
You're imagining futurescenarios.
You're even replaying any timethat you spit with a person,
(12:16):
which is something that I wasdoing again and again and again.
So at this point, we had onlybeen on like a couple of dates
and I was replaying those datesin my mind again.
He had only been on like acouple of dates and I was
replaying those dates in my mindagain, like it's slow motion,
Like, oh, like.
There was one time we were atthis restaurant and he was
sitting across from me and youknow we were, we were just
talking.
When you are in limerence,you're going to laugh.
(12:39):
When you are in limerence andyou're on a date with a person
or you're on a walk withwhatever it is, whatever you
want to call it you are lookingat them literally like the heart
emoji eyes, like on your phone.
Like you, I remember looking athim so intensely, like staring
at him, and I remember he wastalking.
Who knows what he was talkingabout.
I was in my own little world.
(13:00):
I was looking at him and beinglike, oh my gosh, he's gorgeous.
Oh my gosh, I love his eyes ohmy gosh, Like, look at this Like
I was lit.
But it didn't look like like hewas not aware that I was in
this state because I was justlooking at him.
But inside in me, inside,because I was in that state of
limerence, of obsession I waslooking at him like a piece of
(13:23):
meat, practically drool.
I was so attracted and this isthe next sign that you're in the
state of limerence because Istarted having physical symptoms
.
Physical symptoms while I was onthe date.
I remember my heart ratestarted to go up, Like my heart
was literally beating faster.
I started feeling nervous likea little bit like a little bit
(13:47):
fidgety, and I remember puttingmy hands like on my thighs.
You know how, like, if you'renervous, you like put your hand
on your thighs and my hands werea little bit clammy like, but I
was like what is going on?
And in my mind I'm like oh,it's like love at first sight,
(14:10):
Like this.
This must mean that this is myperson, because my body is now
reacting to this person and andhe's just being normal, he
wasn't doing anything over thetop.
But I remember the check hitcame and I said I was going to
go to the bathroom and then whenI came back and I sat down, I
remember I remember I wassitting across from him and he
moved closer to sit next to meand then he went to hold my hand
and he was like that's better,because he just he, he just
(14:30):
wanted to like hold my hand andtouch me Like he, one of his
loved ones, would just physicaltouch, Like I could pick up on
that.
And I was like, oh, I wasmelting.
I was like, oh my gosh, youwould have thought he bought me
a diamond ring and got on oneknee.
Like I gosh, you would havethought he bought me a diamond
ring and got on one knee.
Like I was like, oh my gosh,you know, this is so amazing.
Like he's so sweet, Like he'sholding my hand, Like everything
(14:50):
was just like very hallmark-ish.
It was almost annoying becauseI'm so self-aware, Like I was
like hearing my thoughts, I washearing myself be in this state
of limerence, Like girl, get ittogether.
Like it's not that serious.
But in the moment it felt thatserious and so I started to have
the next sign, which isbehavioral changes.
So you're altering yourbehavior and your appearance
(15:13):
because you want to be pleasingto the other person, so you're
actually finding out what theylike and then you're altering
your behavior to mirror that.
So I remember knowing that theperson because we were talking
on the phone and he was like Ilove straight hair and I have.
I changed my hair all the time,like all the time but I
remember getting dressed up forthe date.
(15:33):
I'm like he loves straight hairand I'm like straightening my
hair, like taking the flat ironout, making sure my hair was
straight.
I remember he made commentsabout you know he liked dressing
up.
I went and put on this sexydress, Like you would think I
was going to the freakingGrammys, Like I don't.
You have this intense obsession.
So you want to please the otherperson.
(15:54):
So you're shape-shiftingyourself.
Now I love dressing up, I lovestraight hair, I love curly hair
, I love wavy hair, I love allthese things.
But I was literally dressingfor him to be like for him to
tell me that he thought I wasbeautiful.
Like you want their approval,you want their validation.
So you have this next side,which is this fear of rejection.
(16:17):
So, because you have thisintense fear of rejection or
abandonment, you have a lot ofanxiety around the comments that
they're making because youwanna make sure that whatever
you're doing is what they like.
So you're making, you're almostover, you're like overanalyzing
their reactions to you becauseyou wanna see if you're doing
something that's pleasing, Likeare they liking the way that you
(16:39):
dress?
And I remember when I went tothe bathroom and he texts me and
he was like you look sobeautiful and I was like on
cloud nine.
I was like oh my gosh, it wasalmost like a dopamine hit, like
score, you did a good job.
Like have you ever been in thatplace where your partner
compliments you and you feellike you just won the lottery,
Like wow, I did a really goodjob?
Like that.
That was where I was, because Iwas in this state of limerence
(16:59):
and because when you're in astate of limerence, you have
these emotional highs and lows.
So you experience really,really highs when you get the
attention or positive signalsfrom your LO, your limerence
object.
That person gives you positivecompliments, they give you
positive affirmations.
You feel really good aboutyourself based off of what they
(17:19):
told you.
And then you feel low when youhave that perceived rejection or
lack of attention, when theystart to pull back from you.
Oh my goodness, when your LO,your limerence object, starts to
pull back from you, it is sopainful.
I remember when he pulled back,when he stopped texting me for
(17:44):
whatever reason, I think youknow.
Just life happened and he gotbusy.
I felt sick, literally sick.
I felt like this pit in mystomach.
This is how I know it waslimerence.
This is not love.
This is not love, babe.
This is not love.
This is limerence.
I felt like this gnawing in mystomach.
I felt depressed.
(18:04):
I felt like I wanted to cry.
I felt like this gnawing in mystomach.
I felt depressed.
I felt like I wanted to cry.
I felt so horrible about myself.
I was beating myself up.
I was replaying things thathappened on the date that made
me feel like I must've donesomething wrong.
Why is he not texting me?
He must not like me anymore.
What's wrong with you?
I was literally beating myselfup.
I remember talking to my friendand she's like whoa.
(18:25):
She was like girl, you're not.
You're not that bad, Like Idon't think that there's
anything that you really havedone.
That's that bad.
But I was just looking at mytext messages.
I'm like he didn't text me.
He didn't text me.
I must've done something likeall of these things, because I
was in a state of limerence andso when you're in a state of
limerence, the next time thatyou're in it is you're
(18:47):
over-interpreting their actions.
So because he didn't text mebecause he was taking longer to
text me, I wasover-interpretating that like,
oh my gosh, this must mean thathe's not really into me.
Before he was texting me andthen now he's taking longer to
text me.
So you're basicallydisregarding evidence that is
(19:07):
the contrary of that.
So I was disregarding that.
He did say he liked me.
He did say he was into me.
None of that mattered becausehe wasn't texting me fast enough
.
Like none of that mattered.
So I had gotten to a point whereI was like you know what?
This doesn't feel good to meanymore.
I need to move on, and I'mreally good at cutting people
off when I feel like thatthey're not good for me.
All I need to do is convincemyself that they're not good for
(19:30):
me, they're not healthy for me,and then I have no problem
cutting them off.
But for some reason, because Iwas in the state of limerence, I
had such a hard time cuttingthis person off and that's why I
knew that this was not like aninfatuation kind of thing,
because I was like, why am Ihaving an issue cutting this
person off?
I was so uncertain I felt like,should I cut them off?
(19:54):
I don't know if I should cutthem off.
I was struggling to let go ofthe feelings that I had for this
person because I was in a stateof limerence.
But it was clear that theperson was not reciprocating
like the feelings towards me.
It was clear that they wereonce into me, like they were
love bombing me in the beginning, and now they were kind of
pulling back because they werebreadcrumbing and I knew that
(20:16):
that was something that I justwasn't comfortable with.
I knew that I needed to cutthem off because it wasn't.
It wasn't anything that I was,it wasn't anything that I could
control, and so I was like thisis not healthy for me.
I can't make the person text meback, I can't make them show up
for me in a way that I needthem to show up for me.
So I just need to cut them off.
(20:37):
But because I was in a state oflimerence, it was so hard for
me.
So if you're feeling like youneed to go, no contact with this
person, but it's very hard foryou to do so.
I've gone no contact.
But this no contact that I hadto do was literally painful.
And let me tell you why.
When you're in a state oflimerence, there is a
(20:59):
physiological, biological andsocial factor going on with you,
in your mind, in your body.
Okay, so this is not just afeeling.
You actually have biologicalfactors that are going on.
There are chemicals that arebeing infected in your brain.
This is how serious this is.
Right, I'm gonna tell you howthis impacts PMDD, but let me
(21:21):
first tell you what is going onin your mind, in your body, when
you're in limerence.
So the biological factors thatare going on is we have these
neurotransmitters in our brain,right, and so the release of
dopamine, which is one of theneurotransmitters in our brain,
gives us this feeling ofpleasure and reward.
This is the feeling, thechemical that you have in your
(21:44):
brain that gives you thisfeeling of accomplishment when
you get something done.
So if you finish a workout, youget a dopamine hit.
If you have a good time withyour partner, you get this
dopamine hit.
It's this heightened sense ofyou're doing a good job.
You have this feeling ofeuphoria.
So when you're in limerence,you're feeling like the pleasure
(22:04):
of being with this person is soheightened and it gives you
this feeling of you're on top ofthe world, almost like you're
floating.
When you're thinking about thisperson, you get that dopamine
hit.
Those neurotransmitters are nowactivated where you're just
like you're smiling, you're ontop of the world and when you're
interacting with them, it'slike nothing else in the world
matters.
You can have PMDD symptoms allup, you can be suffering in PMDD
(22:28):
, but all of a sudden, whenyou're in the state of limerence
, nothing matters, Like youwould normally be suffering, but
you're not suffering becauseyou're with this person.
So they become the object ofyour affection.
So when you're in a state oflimerence, do you know that you
have fluctuations in yourhormones, in your estrogen, in
(22:48):
your testosterone, and it'sinfluencing these emotions and
it's making you feel limerence,it's making you feel euphoria.
So your estrogen is increasing,You're having more energy, your
testosterone is increasing,You're feeling more motivated.
I remember when I was in thatstate of limerence with that
person, I was going hiking, Iwas doing all of these physical
activities that I wouldn'tnormally have energy to do, but
(23:10):
because I was in that state oflimerence and I was obsessed
with this person, Iautomatically got energy that I
wouldn't have normally hadbecause I was in that state of
limerence with this person.
And the next way that limerenceis affecting you is the
physiological factors, meaningyour attachment styles.
If know, if you've listened tome for a while, every time I
(23:31):
talked to you about my ex PMDDpartner, I had an avoidant
attachment style.
When I went into my lutealphase, Every single time I would
go into PMDD I would have ananxious attachment style.
Well, when I was in a state oflimerence, I had an anxious I
mean I had an avoidantattachment style with my ex was
in a state of limerence, I hadan anxious I mean I had an
avoidant attachment style withmy ex.
When I was in a state oflimerence, I had an anxious
(23:54):
attachment style which I never,ever, ever, ever, ever had
before.
I've had a lot of privateclients that I've counseled that
have an anxious attachmentstyle and it was always really
good for me to counsel thembecause I could tell them,
because normally there's oneperson that has an anxious
attachment style and one personthat has an avoidant.
So it was really good when Iwas working with my private
(24:14):
clients because I could tellthem what the avoidant
attachment style was feelinglike, what their partner was
feeling like.
And when I was in that state oflimerence I was seeking out
that emotional connection I wasseeking out knowing that my
(24:36):
partner or the person that I wasdating, that they liked me,
that they wanted to commit to me, that they found me attractive,
that they wanted to spend timewith me.
I was so anxious, I was lookingfor another opportunity to
spend time with them.
I was looking for another textmessage from them because I had
developed an anxious attachmentstyle in that state of limerence
.
So one of the other things thathappened that my friend had
pointed out was I was developinglow self-esteem.
(24:57):
So I'm a pretty confidentperson.
I pretty much have highself-esteem and the basis for
that is because of my morning.
I would base that off of mymorning routine.
I get up in the morning, I movemy body, I pour into myself and
I will say I'm a little vain,meaning that when I look good I
feel good.
That's somethingphysiologically in my brain.
(25:19):
That's just the way it worksfor me.
When I work out and I look goodin my body, it makes me feel
good about myself.
It helps me with my self-worth.
It helps me with my self-esteem.
It makes me feel confident tobe able to do everything that I
do.
Like I have more energy torecord podcasts and have
sessions with my private clientsand homeschool my daughter and
(25:40):
walk my dog.
Like I feel more capable ofdoing things when I move my body
and I feel good.
When I feel good, I look goodand I'm able to do a lot of good
things.
That's always been thecombination that works for me,
and so what I was developing waslow self-esteem and the state
of limerence.
That's what I was like.
My friend was pointing out likewhy beating yourself up?
(26:01):
Or why are you questioningyourself?
Why are you talking aboutyourself Like you're a horrible
person?
She was actually getting like alittle bit offended.
Like don't talk about yourselflike you're a horrible person.
She was actually getting alittle bit offended.
Don't talk about yourself likethat, Rose, You're a good person
, You're a good partner, You'renot a bad person.
But I was beating myself up,berating myself, feeling guilty
about things that I should havedone, that I could have done.
(26:21):
I was feeling like I just wantto spend time with them again so
I could do these things andmake them like me.
I was literally and make themlike me.
I was literally infatuated.
It was kind of like scary for aminute there because I was like
what in the world?
I was fantasizing.
So that's the otherphysiological factor.
I would literally wake up inthe morning, lay in my bed and
(26:45):
be fantasizing about the timethat I spent with this person,
Like what I was.
This was next level.
I used to get up in the morningand immediately jump out of bed
and do my morning routine.
But when I was in the state oflimerence I was like in la-la
land.
I was literally daydreaming andfantasizing about hugging them,
(27:05):
daydreaming and fantasizingabout when we walked down the
street together holding hands,daydreaming about the way they
looked at me.
I was literally.
I've been in a state oflimerence with one, two, three,
three individuals in my lifetime.
Three individuals, Two of themI was dating, one I was actually
(27:25):
in a relationship with.
I ended up being in arelationship with, and when I
will tell you.
When you are in a state oflimerence and then you finally
get in a relationship with aperson, meaning your LO, your
limerence object, becomes yourpartner.
The limerence kind of goes awayBecause you're not.
And this is a lot of times whenyou're in that relationship
(27:45):
where, if you think back andyou're like things used to be so
intense in the beginning and,oh my gosh, we were so all over
each other, we were obsessed,and then it became like a little
bit normal and boring and youmay feel like because the
intensity of the state oflimerence felt so good for you,
again, physiologically in yourbody and your mind, you may feel
like I want to get back to thatplace.
(28:07):
It's almost like a drug addictwhen they get their first high,
they're always chasing thatfirst high.
They want to be in that placeof feeling, of that feeling of
dopamine, that euphoria, thathigh feeling.
And so a lot of times whenyou're in your relationships and
you're not feeling that highfeeling, that intense feeling,
you think that there's somethingwrong, when in reality you were
just in a state of limerenceand now you're in a normal state
(28:29):
of being in a relationship,being in love.
So when I was in that state offantasizing, I was obsessing
over our interactions, replayingthem, having those intrusive
thoughts again and again andagain and again and again and
again.
When I was fantasizing wehadn't even had that many dates,
(28:49):
dates.
So what happened?
Because we didn't have thatmany dates, I just kept
replaying.
It's like watching a movieagain and again and again.
And a lot of times you you getin a state of limerence because
of the media.
The media is actually, you know, convincing you that this is
like love, this is love at firstsight.
I was watching a lot ofHallmark movies when I was in
(29:12):
PMDD one time and I think thatit was pushing me further into
that state of limerence becauseI was romanticizing what a
relationship should look like.
My social media, my algorithm,started to oh my gosh, I started
to follow all of these accountsthat had to do with couples
that were were reallylovey-dovey.
(29:32):
You know, they were reallyaffectionate with each other.
You know how you see thosereels where they're just like
cuddled up and laying in bed andlike how yummy it looks when
that partner pulls you closer.
And now my algorithm was reallyit was, it was fueling my state
of limerence, because I startedto feel like, oh my gosh, this
(29:53):
is the state that I want to bein and it started to make me
feel lonely.
I started to feel lonelybecause I wasn't with that
person, because I wasn't with myLO, I wasn't with my limerence
object and it was really like itwas really affecting me a lot,
like it was really affecting mea lot.
And so another way thatlimerence can affect you is when
(30:14):
you have PMDD.
It can exasperate these are thePMDD symptoms, that they can
exasperate your anxiety, yourdepression and if you get OCD
when you get, if you get OCDwhen you're in PMDD, limerence
is going to exasperate that foryou.
It is really going to make yourPMDD symptoms worse.
And so when you're in PMDD,limerence is going to exasperate
that for you.
It is really going to make yourPMDD symptoms worse.
And so when you combine now I'mgoing to go into what happens
when you combine limerence withPMDD Individuals with PMDD, we
(30:40):
already have emotionalsensitivity.
We already have rejectionsensitivity, but limerence is
amplifying those emotions soit's leading to even greater
mood swings.
So when I was in PMDD my moodswere all over the place, Like I
could normally feel like ups anddowns in PMDD with my mood, but
because I was in limerence theywere higher.
(31:01):
My highs were higher and mylows were lower.
My anxiety was increasedsubstantially.
I was having heart palpitations.
Let me tell you how seriousthis is.
I was having legit heartpalpitations when I tell you
that I was having that emotionaldistress, like that feeling in
my gut when I wasn't getting thetext message.
(31:22):
It was painful, literallypainful in my body.
So limerence involves persistent, intrusive thoughts, like again
and again and again about thatperson, about being with them,
about you.
You almost feel like your bodyis craving them, your body is
longing to be with them.
Your mind there's thisimaginary pull that you feel and
(31:46):
it's like these waves arecoming off of your body.
That is just like going towardsthat person and it's almost
like you're so obsessed thatyou're just not going to feel
good until you're in theirpresence.
I remember I was about to seethat person and I was literally
counting down the hours.
It was almost like a junkietrying to get their fix.
So with someone with PMDD andyou're in your luteal phase and
(32:08):
you're in this place, theseobsessive thoughts are more
overwhelming and they're harderto manage during the luteal
phase because it's almost likeyou can't calm down.
You have this anxious energy andyou're just thinking about them
and you're overthinking, like Ihope they like me all of these
things.
And so the next way thatlimerence can really impact your
PMDD is with the depression andanxiety.
(32:29):
So when you feel like yourlimerence object, your LO, that
person that you're obsessed with, is not reciprocating the same
feelings towards you, like theydon't like you as much as you
like them, or there's thisuncertainty, you have this
intense feeling of rejection,this intense feeling of
hopelessness.
This intense feeling ofrejection, this intense feeling
(32:50):
of hopelessness, this intensefeeling of anxiety, Like you
really feel like nothing in yourlife is going to be good
because you're not going to bewith this person.
And if you can't be with thisperson, you don't want to be
with anybody.
And you messed it up and thiswas your perfect match.
I remember beating myself upand feeling like maybe I should
just take a break from allrelationships because if it's
not this person, I'm never goingto find another person that's
(33:12):
going to do this for me.
I'm never going to find anotherperson that's going to make me
feel this way.
And I was on the outsidelooking in.
And another way that limerencecan affect you in PMDD is it can
disrupt your sleep patterns.
I remember I was so sleepy, so,so, so, so sleepy.
Remember I was so sleepy, so,so, so, so sleepy.
But because I wasn't gettingthe text message.
He had gone from texting meevery night to some evenings.
(33:36):
He just wouldn't text me goodnight.
So on the evenings that hewouldn't text me good night, I
was overthinking why he wasn'ttexting me.
I even went into my mind andthinking maybe he's with
somebody else, Maybe he's movedon.
He obviously doesn't want to bewith me.
I couldn't go to sleep.
I had a restless night.
I had insomnia, not because Iwasn't sleepy because you know,
(33:56):
in PMDD you're very sleepy, Likeyou have a lot of fatigue but
it's like I couldn't go to sleepbecause of the intrusive
thoughts that were spinningaround in my mind.
So I would wake, I would go tosleep with these intrusive
thoughts and I would wake upwith these intrusive thoughts.
And now I was walking aroundall day and I was dragging.
I was literally dragging and itreally started to impact my, my
(34:17):
social relationships, Like, andI didn't want to go out and
hang out with friends because Iwas just like it wasn't as
enjoyable as hanging out with myLO with my limerence object.
All I wanted to do was hang outwith this person.
I didn't want to hang out withmy friends.
I went to hang out with myfriends and I was thinking about
the person looking at my phone,checking my text messages.
(34:40):
And another way that it startedto impact my PMDD was it was
impacting my cognitive function.
It's not funny, it's not funnyat all.
I was losing my concentrationand I was losing my memory.
I could remember glimpses ofour dates together, but not the
(35:01):
whole thing.
I thought I was losing it.
I literally thought I wascuckoo for Cocoa Puffs because I
could.
I was fantasizing about thetime that we had spent together,
but I couldn't remember thewhole interaction Like.
This is how I know that I waslosing part of my memory and it
was affecting me cognitively.
It's both because when myfriend was asking me about the
date, my story started to switchup.
(35:22):
She was like I thought you didthis and I was like, well, yeah,
we did.
And she's like but I thought,after you did this, you did this
.
And I was like, oh yeah, Like.
My story was never the samebecause my cognitive brain
functioning was now impacted,because I was in the luteal
phase and I was in the state oflimerence.
I was like it was.
It was just hard for me to focuson daily tasks because I was
(35:43):
consistently looking at my phone.
I to focus on daily tasks.
Because I was consistentlylooking at my phone, I felt like
whenever I had an unread textmessage, I felt like I had to
immediately look at it becauseit could be from that person.
I even changed their ringtoneto be like a different ringtone
from everyone else's.
That way I could get thatdopamine hit when I actually did
receive a text message fromthem, actually did receive a
(36:07):
text message from them.
And the next way that it canaffect you when you're in your
luteal phase is I started to getunhealthy coping mechanisms
with my PMDD, meaning I feltlike I just needed to sleep more
, Like I couldn't go to sleep,but I felt like I needed to
force myself to sleep in orderto turn my brain off.
I was feeling that the only wayto get myself out of this hell
(36:28):
that I was living in, of beingin PMDD and in a state of
limerence, is I needed to justcut everything off and just be
asleep like turn everything off,shut everything down.
So this is how PMDD andlimerence can really affect you,
and now I'm going to go intowhat you can do about it.
(36:48):
So when I wanted to get out ofthe state of limerence which I
just felt like this doesn't feelgood to me.
So the first thing that Ineeded to do was to acknowledge
that I was not in a state ofhaving a crush.
I was not in love, I was insomething else.
And being that, a lot of youbecause limerence is not
(37:10):
well-known, you may not knowwhat to call it right, but I
knew that I had treated clientsbefore who had this, so when I
started to have it, I was ableto call myself out on it
immediately.
But what I would say if you'relistening to this and you're
like, yeah, Dr Rose, what you'redescribing is what I'm actually
going through or what I havebeen through the first thing you
need to do is to acknowledgeand accept that you're in a
(37:32):
state of limerence.
When you acknowledge and acceptthose feelings without judgment
, you're understanding thatlimerence is a natural
physiological response and thereare things you can do about it.
So the mantra that I would giveyou is that it's normal to
experience limerence and there'ssomething that I can do about
(37:54):
it.
Now I will say everyone doesn'texperience this.
There are people that have neverexperienced limerence in their
life with anybody, and, asintense as it is.
I almost wish that everybodycould just experience it just
once, just so they can feel whatit feels like to be completely
and utterly obsessed withsomeone.
(38:15):
Now, it's like going on aroller coaster.
You get this rush that I havenever felt this way about other
people.
I know when I'm in a state oflimerence and I know when I'm in
love, and I'll probably recordanother podcast on the
difference between limerence andlove.
But this state of limerence, itis unmatched.
And this is why sometimes youcould feel like you're so in
(38:37):
love with a person, you're someant to be with a person,
because it is uncontrollable.
Remember, I told you you don'thave control over these
physiological changes in yourmind and your body.
You're just on therollercoaster, You're just on
the ride, and it's taking you upand it's taking you down, and
it's taking you upside down andit's taking you around and
around and around.
So the first way to get off therollercoaster is to acknowledge
and accept that you're on therollercoaster, Acknowledge and
(38:59):
accept that you're in a state oflimerence.
And I remember the next thingthat I had to do, which was so
hard for me, was go, no contact.
I had to block this person andI did not want to block this
person Again.
I've blocked people before, butI did not.
Nothing in my mind, nothing inmy body wanted to block this
(39:20):
person, because I kept thinkingto myself I need to leave the
door open just in case they wantto get back.
Even though they hadn't textedme in like two days, I was like,
well, if I block them, then ifthey text me I will never get
their text message.
And here's the thing.
That's the point.
When you know that this personis not good for you, meaning
you're in a state of limerenceand they're not reciprocating
their feelings for you, meaningyou really like them, you're
(39:43):
obsessed with them, but they'renot giving you that
reciprocation.
This is why you're in a stateof limerence.
You're only in a state oflimerence with someone who is
making it.
It's making you feel unsureabout your connection with them.
This is why it's so common withdating and PMDD and all of
these things, because whenyou're dating, you're not
committed.
You know that the person likesyou, so they're telling you that
(40:03):
they like you, but you don'tknow if they want to be with you
forever.
You don't know if they want tobe in a committed relationship.
You don't know if they justwant to be friends with benefits
.
You don't know these things.
So you're in this in-betweenstage which is like you feel,
like you're almost, like youhave to show them.
You have to prove to them thatyou're a certain way in order
for them to fully accept you.
So this is what is fueling yourstate of limerence.
(40:26):
So what you need to do is youneed to go no contact.
I mean no physical contact, nosocial media contact, no text
message, nothing.
This is why, a lot of timeswhen I am dating people, I never
follow them on social media,because I know that I have the
ability to go into a state oflimerence, because I don't want
(40:48):
them coming up on my socialmedia feed.
Because the algorithm has a wayof intensifying your limerence
because it'll start showing youthis person again and again and
again.
It'll even start showing youold posts from them.
You know and not even like,even if they're not presently
posting on social media, it'llshow you old things, It'll keep
(41:09):
them in your timeline.
So you have to go no contact,unfollow them, block them on
social media, block them on yourphone, rip the bandaid off.
You're not going to want to doit.
10 out of 10, you're not goingto want to do it.
You are not going to want to go.
No contact with this person,because you are obsessed,
because you have fantasizedabout your future together.
It's almost like you'rebreaking your own heart.
(41:32):
I remember blocking andunblocking.
I would block and then the nextday I'd be like no, no, no,
Maybe I'm overthinking it, Maybethey really are a good person,
Maybe they really are good forme, Maybe I'm just overthinking
it and they're just busy.
I would make an excuse for themand then unblock them, and then
it wouldn't feel good for themnot to text me, so I would go
(41:52):
back and block them again.
This took me about a week and ahalf and so I finally was like
I'm not not blocking them.
What you need to do is don't beidle.
You need to engage inactivities.
You need to go out with yourfriends.
You need to go experiencedifferent hobbies, activities
and interests that you enjoy.
(42:12):
I remember I started saying yesmore to my friends.
We started going out dancing.
I started spending time.
I don't even mean like you haveto talk to someone else
intimately.
I just mean that you need to bedoing something, because if you
sit in your house and donothing.
You intimately, I just meanthat you need to be doing
something, because if you sit inyour house and do nothing,
you're going to unblock them,You're going to break no contact
(42:33):
and then you're going to haveto start the process all over
again.
The next thing is you need toseek support from friends and
families, and I've had a lot ofclients my private clients have
had more sessions with me.
When you are going no contactwith a person, that's not good
for you, it is very helpful tohave more sessions with me
because I can really work withyou to rewire your brain,
(42:55):
especially when you're in PMDD,and really help you to give you
the tools to not text them tokeep you.
The longer you stay no contact,the easier it becomes.
The first week is the hardest,I will tell you that.
But the first two weeks, whenyou're in a state of limerence
like I went no contact while Iwas going through two weeks of
(43:16):
my luteal phase, and I felt likeI was going through hell, I
felt like somebody was literallybreaking my heart.
I really felt like depressed.
I felt like that light, thatspark that was in me before was
gone, Like somebody tooksomebody just took my batteries
out and I was like glitchingLike you ever seen, like a page
on your screen and it's likeloading, Like I was not fully
(43:36):
there and the next thing I hadto do was, when I got into these
states of overthinking andobsessive thinking, I had to
start to go on more what I callwalking meditation.
I took myself out of the houseand I did a lot more walks
outside.
I put my headphones on, Ilistened to happy music.
(43:58):
I did a lot of music therapy.
I do not want you listening tosad music when you're in the
state of limerence, because it'sgoing to make you feel worse.
I was listening to music thatmade me feel good and initially
I was listening to the musicthat would normally make me feel
good, and it didn't make mefeel good.
I still.
It's like it was the same song.
It was like one of my favoritesongs, but all of a sudden it
(44:19):
just didn't feel good to meanymore and I and I I was like
everything seemed like a lesserversion of what used to please
me.
So another thing that I wantyou to do if you know that your
LL, your limerence object, isgoing to show up in your
(44:40):
day-to-day activities.
You need to set some boundaries, you need to reroute yourself.
If you used to always see themat the coffee shop, if you used
to always see them when youdropped off your kid at school,
I had a client where it was oneof.
They were dating another one of.
They were dating a parent oftheir child's friend, so they
had to stop going to the pickupline or the drop-off line at
(45:01):
that same time because they usedto always run into them.
Because every single time yousee your limerence object, that
person that you're obsessed with, it makes you go back to that
place of having to pretty muchstart all over, like that board
game sorry where they have totake you back home.
That's what it feels like.
It's almost like you have torestart the process of going, no
contact and really pulling awayevery single time that you see
(45:23):
them.
Because you see them again, youfantasize again about them
again, All of the thoughts comerushing back, All of the
physiological things in yourbody.
It's like you plugged yourselfin.
When you see them and you havecontact with them, you're
plugging yourself into thatenergy that you're experiencing
in your mind and your body andthen all of a sudden you become
obsessed all over again.
So the longer you stay nocontact, the more the obsession
(45:45):
starts to you're like weaningoff of them.
It's like weaning off of a drug.
Really, really focus onself-care.
I remember I had stopped doingmy morning routine.
I did it, but I wasn't reallymoving my body.
I had to go back to moving mybody.
I had to go back to gettingmore sleep.
I was catching up on sleep.
(46:06):
I started to crash a lot.
By crash I mean sleeping forlike 10 to 12 hours because I
had spent so much time in thatstate of limerence where I
wasn't getting a lot of sleep.
I wasn't getting a lot of sleepand so I just I had a state of
a period where I was justsleeping a lot, just catching up
on replenishing myself, feelingbetter.
(46:27):
And then the next way that youcan really wean yourself off of
this state of limerence is focuson seeing the person for who
they really are.
Focus on the reality of theperson.
I had idolized the person somuch where one of the
individuals that I was dating Iwas not honestly attracted to I
had made excuses for physicalattributes that weren't even
(46:51):
attractive to me.
I don't know what I wasthinking when I had come out of
that state of limerence.
I remember looking back andlooking at pictures and I'm
being like what was going on inmy mind?
Because when you're in a stateof limerence, you don't
necessarily have to be attractedto the person you don't
actually sexually, it's not.
You don't sexually have to beattracted to them.
(47:12):
You'll have this longing to bewith them sexually and stuff
like that, but it may besomebody that's not even your
type.
If they become your limerenceobject, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
You want their acceptance, youwant the reciprocation of
knowing that they like you,whether you're attracted to them
or not.
It's very weird Because when Ilooked back I was like I would
(47:35):
never go for somebody like that.
That's crazy, Because I was outof the state of limerence.
This is how I knew that I waskind of weaning myself off of.
It was because I was startingto see the reality of who that
person was.
And a lot of times when you'rein that state of limerence and
you're glorifying who thatperson is newsflash.
(47:56):
They're not that great Notsaying that they're a bad person
, but they're not as great asyou make them out to be.
I remember this person.
I would literally just picturethem like, oh my God, my future
with them and all the thingsLike, when I look back on it,
that other person that I wasdating.
I wouldn't want to live my lifewith them.
(48:18):
Our lifestyles were notconducive for each other, but I
would have changed my lifestylewhen I was in that state of
limerence.
I would have changed mylifestyle to mirror theirs,
because I was so infatuated,because I was so obsessed.
When I came out of that stateof limerence, it's almost like
when you come out of your lutealphase and you're into your
follicular phase and you'relooking at your partner and you
(48:39):
can look at them clearly and youcan look at your relationship
clearly.
That's when everything becameclear to me.
I was like the fog was gone,the mental clarity came back and
I was like whoa, wait a minute.
So the only way that I hadgotten to that place of clarity
was that I had allowed myself tocome out of limerence.
(49:00):
And limerence is so impactfulwhen you have PMDD.
It can take all of yoursymptoms and really just magnify
them and it impacts your mind,it impacts your body.
So if that's something that youknow that you need help with.
(49:21):
Please, please, please, go toinlovewithpmddcom and get those
counseling sessions, becauseit's really going to help you
not only identify the areas thatthe limerence is attacking you
on, but also to help pull youout of it, Because limerence can
actually last as little as justa couple of days.
If you're dating, you can be ina state of limerence for just a
(49:42):
couple of days.
But I've had private clientsthat have been in a state of
limerence prior to our sessionsfor months, and I can't imagine
going through months of PMDD andbeing in a state of limerence,
with the emotional highs andlows.
Again.
It's like a roller coaster.
Your emotions are already goingup and down and it's messing
with your hormones.
(50:02):
I just can't believe thatpeople aren't putting the pieces
of this, this limerence andPMDD puzzle, together.
But I hope that this episodehelped you and if you're in that
state of limerence, please,please, please, know that you're
not alone.
Know that I've been there.
I've been there, I've come outof it.
I know what it feels like whenI can, and now I'm at a point
(50:23):
where I can identify if I'm evengetting in a state of limerence
and I can stop myself, andthat's something that I can
teach you as well, because a lotof the qualities that you have,
like a lot of the reasons thatyou're more susceptible to
limerence, is because of youhave past trauma.
Shocker Again, get into mytrauma course that starts on
August the 7th.
(50:43):
It's free, Just DM me yourinformation.
But trauma is one of thereasons why you are more
susceptible to being in a stateof limerence.
Because you didn't have, likeyou had, insecure attachment
styles in your childhood.
So mine is because of mychildhood trauma.
Basically Yours could bebecause of past trauma that
(51:06):
you've had in past relationships.
That's something that we candiscuss on a private session.
I can tell you where the root ofyour limerence is coming from,
which is really helpful becausethen when I feel myself going
into a state of limerence, I cankind of pull myself out and be
like, oh no, we're not doingthis and I know that I'm in the
(51:27):
state of limerence and I'm moresusceptible to it.
So it helps me when I'm datingto be able to recognize it more
and to know when someone is notgood for me or I'm getting in a
state of limerence and reallypulling back and seeing them for
who they really are, not whoI'm fantasizing them to be, Like
I have to literally counselmyself and do the work with
(51:49):
separating them from being my LO, my limerence object to them
being who they really are.
And if that's something thatyou need help with, if you need
to know how to map it out, if weneed to map it out on a session
, a private session, that'ssomething that I've done with my
clients before we just weliterally get to the root of it
so that you can know whether youneed to go, no contact, or if
(52:11):
you can turn this limerence intosomething that is healthy and
what that actually looks like.
So I hope this has helped youand until next time we got this,
Love you.
Today I'm going to be talking to you about being
obsessed with your partner orthe person that you are dating
while you are in PMDD.
So I'm so excited to talk toyou about this term because, as
I was working with a privateclient and we were really
working on things that they weregoing through when they were
(00:22):
describing it and they thoughtit's just, I have an anxious
attachment style, I'm obsessingover my partner, I'm obsessing
over everything that they'resaying, they're doing, I'm
overanalyzing things, I'm havingall of these intrusive thoughts
.
I feel like I can't concentrateon anything else because
everything is revolving aroundmy partner or this.
This actually was with theperson that they were dating.
(00:44):
They're looking at textmessages and they're
overanalyzing them and theycan't really focus on work, they
can't focus on their kids, theycan't focus on anything else,
because they are literallyobsessed with their person,
their partner or this personthat they're dating, and what
they thought was just, you know,an anxious attachment style.
(01:04):
I was listening to it and I waslike no, no, no, it's something
more than this, and I reallydon't know why people do not
talk about the combinationbetween this term that I'm going
to teach you about today andPMDD.
So a lot of times, when we haveother symptoms, other disorders
, other things OCD, ADHD, autism, trauma, all of these things
(01:30):
that you mix them with PNDD, itmakes your experience
exasperated when you go intoyour luteal phase, it makes
everything that you go through.
It makes you suffer even more.
So the term that I am going totalk to you about today is
called limerence.
Okay, and what limerence is?
It's an intense emotional statecategorized by obsessive
(01:52):
thoughts or infatuations about aperson that you like.
So it's uncontrollable.
It's this intense romanticinfatuation with the individual
which is called your LO, so yourlimerent object, the object of
your affection.
And I remember experiencingthis myself.
(02:13):
So when I was like, oh my gosh,oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I have
limerence, I am operating withinlimerence, and let me tell you
how.
I knew that I was and ithappened so suddenly.
It almost caught me off guard.
So I was dating this guy and Iremember it so clearly now
because I remember how intensethe feelings were and I really
(02:36):
thought to myself I really likethis person, I really really
like them.
We're so compatible.
I finally found my match.
All of these things.
It created this intensitywithin my mind, this intensity
within my body.
I was just overly happy, overlyjoyed how I experience ovulation
(02:57):
.
When I'm in ovulation I havereally high energy, I'm really
positive.
I know a lot of you say thatyou have symptoms in ovulation.
I really don't.
I really just live my best lifein ovulation.
I feel like, oh, this is whoI'm supposed to be.
I wish I was this person allmonth long.
You know how you have days inyour follicular phase where you
feel like I wish I could feellike this all month long.
(03:19):
That's me in ovulation.
And I remember dating this guyand feeling like I was on top of
the world, Like I was floatingand things that would have
normally bothered me didn't evenbother me anymore, Like I was
just super nice, I was superaffectionate, I was.
Every time I saw a text messageI like I lit up, like literally
(03:40):
was smiling, reading my texts.
I had changed, like their nameand my phone to have the little
heart eyes around it.
I just felt so happy.
Every single time they text me,I got this dopamine hit.
I'm very self-aware, so I knowwhat's going on with my mind and
my body, so I know.
When I was in that state oflimerence, I was on cloud nine.
(04:02):
There was nothing that he couldsay, nothing that he could do.
That would push me off.
I was seeing flaws in him and Iwas on cloud nine.
There was nothing that he couldsay, nothing that he could do
that would push me off.
I was seeing flaws in him and Iwas making excuses for them,
like, oh, I think that's so cute.
I normally prefer and like aperson that gets up in the
morning and has a morningroutine like me, likes to stay
active, all of these things,because then we have something
(04:22):
in common and we can motivateeach other.
That's what I was saying withmy ex.
It's like one of the thingsthat connected us was that we
got up in the morning and hadthis morning routine.
Well, this person that I hadthis limerence effect with this
intense, involuntary obsessionwith I, they slept in and I was
making excuses oh, that's socute that they sleep in.
(04:43):
And I was like when we'retogether, we're living together.
You know, it'll be cute that Icould get up and do my morning
routine and they could still bein bed and I would take a shower
and climb back into bed withthem and cuddle with them and I
was literally like a walkingHallmark movie, Like you would
think.
Like I was like Cinderella andlike the little rats and stuff
(05:04):
were making my bed, Birds werechirping outside my window, Like
I was on cloud nine.
I saw everything.
Like I was in my follicularphase.
Everything was just morebeautiful.
I was completely obsessed.
So when you're in this state,I'm going to give you some signs
that you may have experiencedlimerence, or you may be in it
(05:25):
because my client that I had wasin it right then.
And what you're basicallywanting, what the object of your
affection is with this person,is you want to know that the
feelings that you have for themare reciprocated.
That is the goal.
The goal is for you to knowthat the person feels the way
(05:45):
you feel about them is the waythey feel about you.
And what keeps you in thisstate of limerence is the
uncertainty because you haven'tactually gotten confirmation
that the person feels the sameway about you, breadcrumbed you,
They've given you some sort ofI like you, but they haven't
said I love you, I want to bewith you forever, complete
(06:11):
commitment, and that's like yourgoal.
Because you're fantasizing aboutthis person, You're thinking
you found the one.
You're thinking that this isgoing to be your person,
especially when you're in yourluteal phase and you're feeling
like you're in PMDD and you'refeeling like, oh, this person is
so nice, they're so giving,they're so generous.
You're kind of looking atseeing that they have flaws but
making excuses.
Like I told you, this personslept in, was not active.
(06:33):
It's almost the antithesis ofwhat you would normally go for.
But if you're dating someoneand you would normally go for
their type, but all of a suddenyou're completely obsessed with
this type, that means you're ina state of limerence.
So I'm going to give you 10signs that you're in a state of
limerence with either yourpartner or someone that you're
dating, and then I'm going togive you the tools of what to do
(06:55):
about it.
So remember, this is intense,intense romantic infatuation.
So the first sign that you're ina state of limerence is you
have obsessive thinking,intrusive thoughts, persistently
about that person.
Again, the LO, the limerenceobject.
You're obsessively thinkingabout them.
(07:16):
You're obsessively looking attext messages from them.
You're overthinking the textmessages.
You're wondering what theymeant by the text messages.
You're overanalyzing everythingthat they say and do.
You are looking at their bodylanguage when you're with them
and you're wondering if they'releaning in, You're feeling
really clingy, You're feelingreally needy, You're feeling
(07:37):
like I hope that they like me.
You're feeling a little bitinsecure around them.
So the next sign is thisidealization.
What this means is you'reviewing this person as perfect
or flawless.
You're ignoring like I told you, you're ignoring their flaws,
You're overestimating theirpositive qualities.
(07:57):
You're thinking that they'remore than they really are.
You're pretty much idolizingthis person, right, Like they
could do no wrong.
And I remember being in thisstate because I was talking
about this person's career andhow great of a dad they were and
like all of these things that Ireally had no proof of.
Like I had no proof that theydid.
(08:18):
Probably like one thing theylike said that they were taking
their kid to camp, and I waslike, oh my gosh, they're such a
great dad.
And when this person doesthings like love bombing you
meaning they say things likebecause I'm a victim of love
bombing, that's my go-toRemember we talked about this
(08:38):
before on another episode, orthe episode that's going to be
coming out when someone startsto love bomb me with saying all
these things about what we coulddo, we could do this and we
could do that and one day we'relike I like to do a lot of
active things.
So if they start to putthemselves in my day, this is
what this person did.
So, basically, this is how Igot into the state of limerence.
We started texting a lot, and somy love language is words of
(09:02):
affirmation.
So you can really like cheatcode.
You can really get in with mewith words.
With texting, I can fall inlove or fall in, not in love.
I can fall in limerence withtexting because I love to share.
I vlog a lot, so I love to sharevideos, I love to share
pictures.
I'm like one of those flipbooks Back in the day where you
(09:24):
had those flip books with allthe pictures and you just you
flip it really fast and it'slike a movie, Like I vlog all
day long.
Anyway, if you follow me onInstagram, you know this.
So I'm always documenting mylife.
So when I like a person, I willyou'll you'll really feel
connected to me because I willbe sharing my day with you like
a day in the life with Dr Rose.
Be sharing my day with you likea day in the life with Dr Rose.
(09:46):
You know like, and I do so manydifferent things Like I,
throughout my day.
You know, I homeschool mydaughter, who's in high school.
I have a whole other job.
I have private clients Like Iwork out every single day.
I have other clients that arenot PMDD, that are just
trauma-based oh, that's anotherthing.
So I have a course coming outfor all of you.
Sidebar, I have a course comingout called Trauma Transformation
(10:09):
.
So you know how I always teachyou my trauma transformational
tools.
Well, I'm teaching this otherclass with this company and they
allowed me to open it up to thepublic.
So if you DM me, all you haveto do is DM me your first name,
last name, phone number andemail and you have free access
to this eight-week course.
It starts on August the 7th.
August the 7th the coursestarts and you'll be able to
(10:30):
have free live teaching with meand a small group for over eight
weeks.
All about trauma, all aboutintrusive thoughts, all about
the symptoms and all the thingsbut sidebar.
So this person I was sharingeverything with.
So the next sign that you're ina state of limerence is is what
(10:51):
I was going through.
It was this feeling and intenseemotional need for
reciprocation.
You're wanting that validationfrom the other person, meaning
your mood is being influenced bythem, Like when, when they send
you a text message, when theycall you, when they do something
, you're happy.
When you're not hearing fromthem, you're anxious, you're sad
, you're withdrawn, you'refeeling down.
(11:12):
You can even feel depressed.
I remember there was one timewhere he just didn't text me for
that night and I went fromlistening to this high vibe.
I was listening to some highvibe like electric dance music,
EDM music, Because when we weretexting back and forth I felt
like I was on cloud nine.
That evening, when I didn't getany text messages from him, I
(11:33):
was listening to Adele, the sadlove songs.
I was feeling so down.
My emotions were dependent onwhether he was contacting me or
not and I couldn't control it.
I literally didn't feel happieragain until he texts me, like
the next morning.
And then, all of a sudden, Iwas back being happy again and I
was like what is going on?
I was like what is going onBecause it was so uncontrollable
(11:54):
.
It was like I didn't have theremote control, I didn't have
the joystick, Like I was in thisvideo game, but I didn't have
the joystick.
He was literally in control ofmy emotions.
And so the next sign that youare in limerence is you're often
daydreaming, you are havingfantasies about this person,
You're imagining futurescenarios.
You're even replaying any timethat you spit with a person,
(12:16):
which is something that I wasdoing again and again and again.
So at this point, we had onlybeen on like a couple of dates
and I was replaying those datesin my mind again.
He had only been on like acouple of dates and I was
replaying those dates in my mindagain, like it's slow motion,
Like, oh, like.
There was one time we were atthis restaurant and he was
sitting across from me and youknow we were, we were just
talking.
When you are in limerence,you're going to laugh.
(12:39):
When you are in limerence andyou're on a date with a person
or you're on a walk withwhatever it is, whatever you
want to call it you are lookingat them literally like the heart
emoji eyes, like on your phone.
Like you, I remember looking athim so intensely, like staring
at him, and I remember he wastalking.
Who knows what he was talkingabout.
I was in my own little world.
(13:00):
I was looking at him and beinglike, oh my gosh, he's gorgeous.
Oh my gosh, I love his eyes ohmy gosh, Like, look at this Like
I was lit.
But it didn't look like like hewas not aware that I was in
this state because I was justlooking at him.
But inside in me, inside,because I was in that state of
limerence, of obsession I waslooking at him like a piece of
(13:23):
meat, practically drool.
I was so attracted and this isthe next sign that you're in the
state of limerence because Istarted having physical symptoms
.
Physical symptoms while I was onthe date.
I remember my heart ratestarted to go up, Like my heart
was literally beating faster.
I started feeling nervous likea little bit like a little bit
(13:47):
fidgety, and I remember puttingmy hands like on my thighs.
You know how, like, if you'renervous, you like put your hand
on your thighs and my hands werea little bit clammy like, but I
was like what is going on?
And in my mind I'm like oh,it's like love at first sight,
(14:10):
Like this.
This must mean that this is myperson, because my body is now
reacting to this person and andhe's just being normal, he
wasn't doing anything over thetop.
But I remember the check hitcame and I said I was going to
go to the bathroom and then whenI came back and I sat down, I
remember I remember I wassitting across from him and he
moved closer to sit next to meand then he went to hold my hand
and he was like that's better,because he just he, he just
(14:30):
wanted to like hold my hand andtouch me Like he, one of his
loved ones, would just physicaltouch, Like I could pick up on
that.
And I was like, oh, I wasmelting.
I was like, oh my gosh, youwould have thought he bought me
a diamond ring and got on oneknee.
Like I gosh, you would havethought he bought me a diamond
ring and got on one knee.
Like I was like, oh my gosh,you know, this is so amazing.
Like he's so sweet, Like he'sholding my hand, Like everything
(14:50):
was just like very hallmark-ish.
It was almost annoying becauseI'm so self-aware, Like I was
like hearing my thoughts, I washearing myself be in this state
of limerence, Like girl, get ittogether.
Like it's not that serious.
But in the moment it felt thatserious and so I started to have
the next sign, which isbehavioral changes.
So you're altering yourbehavior and your appearance
(15:13):
because you want to be pleasingto the other person, so you're
actually finding out what theylike and then you're altering
your behavior to mirror that.
So I remember knowing that theperson because we were talking
on the phone and he was like Ilove straight hair and I have.
I changed my hair all the time,like all the time but I
remember getting dressed up forthe date.
(15:33):
I'm like he loves straight hairand I'm like straightening my
hair, like taking the flat ironout, making sure my hair was
straight.
I remember he made commentsabout you know he liked dressing
up.
I went and put on this sexydress, Like you would think I
was going to the freakingGrammys, Like I don't.
You have this intense obsession.
So you want to please the otherperson.
(15:54):
So you're shape-shiftingyourself.
Now I love dressing up, I lovestraight hair, I love curly hair
, I love wavy hair, I love allthese things.
But I was literally dressingfor him to be like for him to
tell me that he thought I wasbeautiful.
Like you want their approval,you want their validation.
So you have this next side,which is this fear of rejection.
(16:17):
So, because you have thisintense fear of rejection or
abandonment, you have a lot ofanxiety around the comments that
they're making because youwanna make sure that whatever
you're doing is what they like.
So you're making, you're almostover, you're like overanalyzing
their reactions to you becauseyou wanna see if you're doing
something that's pleasing, Likeare they liking the way that you
(16:39):
dress?
And I remember when I went tothe bathroom and he texts me and
he was like you look sobeautiful and I was like on
cloud nine.
I was like oh my gosh, it wasalmost like a dopamine hit, like
score, you did a good job.
Like have you ever been in thatplace where your partner
compliments you and you feellike you just won the lottery,
Like wow, I did a really goodjob?
Like that.
That was where I was, because Iwas in this state of limerence
(16:59):
and because when you're in astate of limerence, you have
these emotional highs and lows.
So you experience really,really highs when you get the
attention or positive signalsfrom your LO, your limerence
object.
That person gives you positivecompliments, they give you
positive affirmations.
You feel really good aboutyourself based off of what they
(17:19):
told you.
And then you feel low when youhave that perceived rejection or
lack of attention, when theystart to pull back from you.
Oh my goodness, when your LO,your limerence object, starts to
pull back from you, it is sopainful.
I remember when he pulled back,when he stopped texting me for
(17:44):
whatever reason, I think youknow.
Just life happened and he gotbusy.
I felt sick, literally sick.
I felt like this pit in mystomach.
This is how I know it waslimerence.
This is not love.
This is not love, babe.
This is not love.
This is limerence.
I felt like this gnawing in mystomach.
I felt depressed.
(18:04):
I felt like I wanted to cry.
I felt like this gnawing in mystomach.
I felt depressed.
I felt like I wanted to cry.
I felt so horrible about myself.
I was beating myself up.
I was replaying things thathappened on the date that made
me feel like I must've donesomething wrong.
Why is he not texting me?
He must not like me anymore.
What's wrong with you?
I was literally beating myselfup.
I remember talking to my friendand she's like whoa.
(18:25):
She was like girl, you're not.
You're not that bad, Like Idon't think that there's
anything that you really havedone.
That's that bad.
But I was just looking at mytext messages.
I'm like he didn't text me.
He didn't text me.
I must've done something likeall of these things, because I
was in a state of limerence andso when you're in a state of
limerence, the next time thatyou're in it is you're
(18:47):
over-interpreting their actions.
So because he didn't text mebecause he was taking longer to
text me, I wasover-interpretating that like,
oh my gosh, this must mean thathe's not really into me.
Before he was texting me andthen now he's taking longer to
text me.
So you're basicallydisregarding evidence that is
(19:07):
the contrary of that.
So I was disregarding that.
He did say he liked me.
He did say he was into me.
None of that mattered becausehe wasn't texting me fast enough
.
Like none of that mattered.
So I had gotten to a point whereI was like you know what?
This doesn't feel good to meanymore.
I need to move on, and I'mreally good at cutting people
off when I feel like thatthey're not good for me.
All I need to do is convincemyself that they're not good for
(19:30):
me, they're not healthy for me,and then I have no problem
cutting them off.
But for some reason, because Iwas in the state of limerence, I
had such a hard time cuttingthis person off and that's why I
knew that this was not like aninfatuation kind of thing,
because I was like, why am Ihaving an issue cutting this
person off?
I was so uncertain I felt like,should I cut them off?
(19:54):
I don't know if I should cutthem off.
I was struggling to let go ofthe feelings that I had for this
person because I was in a stateof limerence.
But it was clear that theperson was not reciprocating
like the feelings towards me.
It was clear that they wereonce into me, like they were
love bombing me in the beginning, and now they were kind of
pulling back because they werebreadcrumbing and I knew that
(20:16):
that was something that I justwasn't comfortable with.
I knew that I needed to cutthem off because it wasn't.
It wasn't anything that I was,it wasn't anything that I could
control, and so I was like thisis not healthy for me.
I can't make the person text meback, I can't make them show up
for me in a way that I needthem to show up for me.
So I just need to cut them off.
(20:37):
But because I was in a state oflimerence, it was so hard for
me.
So if you're feeling like youneed to go, no contact with this
person, but it's very hard foryou to do so.
I've gone no contact.
But this no contact that I hadto do was literally painful.
And let me tell you why.
When you're in a state oflimerence, there is a
(20:59):
physiological, biological andsocial factor going on with you,
in your mind, in your body.
Okay, so this is not just afeeling.
You actually have biologicalfactors that are going on.
There are chemicals that arebeing infected in your brain.
This is how serious this is.
Right, I'm gonna tell you howthis impacts PMDD, but let me
(21:21):
first tell you what is going onin your mind, in your body, when
you're in limerence.
So the biological factors thatare going on is we have these
neurotransmitters in our brain,right, and so the release of
dopamine, which is one of theneurotransmitters in our brain,
gives us this feeling ofpleasure and reward.
This is the feeling, thechemical that you have in your
(21:44):
brain that gives you thisfeeling of accomplishment when
you get something done.
So if you finish a workout, youget a dopamine hit.
If you have a good time withyour partner, you get this
dopamine hit.
It's this heightened sense ofyou're doing a good job.
You have this feeling ofeuphoria.
So when you're in limerence,you're feeling like the pleasure
(22:04):
of being with this person is soheightened and it gives you
this feeling of you're on top ofthe world, almost like you're
floating.
When you're thinking about thisperson, you get that dopamine
hit.
Those neurotransmitters are nowactivated where you're just
like you're smiling, you're ontop of the world and when you're
interacting with them, it'slike nothing else in the world
matters.
You can have PMDD symptoms allup, you can be suffering in PMDD
(22:28):
, but all of a sudden, whenyou're in the state of limerence
, nothing matters, Like youwould normally be suffering, but
you're not suffering becauseyou're with this person.
So they become the object ofyour affection.
So when you're in a state oflimerence, do you know that you
have fluctuations in yourhormones, in your estrogen, in
(22:48):
your testosterone, and it'sinfluencing these emotions and
it's making you feel limerence,it's making you feel euphoria.
So your estrogen is increasing,You're having more energy, your
testosterone is increasing,You're feeling more motivated.
I remember when I was in thatstate of limerence with that
person, I was going hiking, Iwas doing all of these physical
activities that I wouldn'tnormally have energy to do, but
(23:10):
because I was in that state oflimerence and I was obsessed
with this person, Iautomatically got energy that I
wouldn't have normally hadbecause I was in that state of
limerence with this person.
And the next way that limerenceis affecting you is the
physiological factors, meaningyour attachment styles.
If know, if you've listened tome for a while, every time I
(23:31):
talked to you about my ex PMDDpartner, I had an avoidant
attachment style.
When I went into my lutealphase, Every single time I would
go into PMDD I would have ananxious attachment style.
Well, when I was in a state oflimerence, I had an anxious I
mean I had an avoidantattachment style with my ex was
in a state of limerence, I hadan anxious I mean I had an
avoidant attachment style withmy ex.
When I was in a state oflimerence, I had an anxious
(23:54):
attachment style which I never,ever, ever, ever, ever had
before.
I've had a lot of privateclients that I've counseled that
have an anxious attachmentstyle and it was always really
good for me to counsel thembecause I could tell them,
because normally there's oneperson that has an anxious
attachment style and one personthat has an avoidant.
So it was really good when Iwas working with my private
(24:14):
clients because I could tellthem what the avoidant
attachment style was feelinglike, what their partner was
feeling like.
And when I was in that state oflimerence I was seeking out
that emotional connection I wasseeking out knowing that my
(24:36):
partner or the person that I wasdating, that they liked me,
that they wanted to commit to me, that they found me attractive,
that they wanted to spend timewith me.
I was so anxious, I was lookingfor another opportunity to
spend time with them.
I was looking for another textmessage from them because I had
developed an anxious attachmentstyle in that state of limerence
.
So one of the other things thathappened that my friend had
pointed out was I was developinglow self-esteem.
(24:57):
So I'm a pretty confidentperson.
I pretty much have highself-esteem and the basis for
that is because of my morning.
I would base that off of mymorning routine.
I get up in the morning, I movemy body, I pour into myself and
I will say I'm a little vain,meaning that when I look good I
feel good.
That's somethingphysiologically in my brain.
(25:19):
That's just the way it worksfor me.
When I work out and I look goodin my body, it makes me feel
good about myself.
It helps me with my self-worth.
It helps me with my self-esteem.
It makes me feel confident tobe able to do everything that I
do.
Like I have more energy torecord podcasts and have
sessions with my private clientsand homeschool my daughter and
(25:40):
walk my dog.
Like I feel more capable ofdoing things when I move my body
and I feel good.
When I feel good, I look goodand I'm able to do a lot of good
things.
That's always been thecombination that works for me,
and so what I was developing waslow self-esteem and the state
of limerence.
That's what I was like.
My friend was pointing out likewhy beating yourself up?
(26:01):
Or why are you questioningyourself?
Why are you talking aboutyourself Like you're a horrible
person?
She was actually getting like alittle bit offended.
Like don't talk about yourselflike you're a horrible person.
She was actually getting alittle bit offended.
Don't talk about yourself likethat, Rose, You're a good person
, You're a good partner, You'renot a bad person.
But I was beating myself up,berating myself, feeling guilty
about things that I should havedone, that I could have done.
(26:21):
I was feeling like I just wantto spend time with them again so
I could do these things andmake them like me.
I was literally and make themlike me.
I was literally infatuated.
It was kind of like scary for aminute there because I was like
what in the world?
I was fantasizing.
So that's the otherphysiological factor.
I would literally wake up inthe morning, lay in my bed and
(26:45):
be fantasizing about the timethat I spent with this person,
Like what I was.
This was next level.
I used to get up in the morningand immediately jump out of bed
and do my morning routine.
But when I was in the state oflimerence I was like in la-la
land.
I was literally daydreaming andfantasizing about hugging them,
(27:05):
daydreaming and fantasizingabout when we walked down the
street together holding hands,daydreaming about the way they
looked at me.
I was literally.
I've been in a state oflimerence with one, two, three,
three individuals in my lifetime.
Three individuals, Two of themI was dating, one I was actually
(27:25):
in a relationship with.
I ended up being in arelationship with, and when I
will tell you.
When you are in a state oflimerence and then you finally
get in a relationship with aperson, meaning your LO, your
limerence object, becomes yourpartner.
The limerence kind of goes awayBecause you're not.
And this is a lot of times whenyou're in that relationship
(27:45):
where, if you think back andyou're like things used to be so
intense in the beginning and,oh my gosh, we were so all over
each other, we were obsessed,and then it became like a little
bit normal and boring and youmay feel like because the
intensity of the state oflimerence felt so good for you,
again, physiologically in yourbody and your mind, you may feel
like I want to get back to thatplace.
(28:07):
It's almost like a drug addictwhen they get their first high,
they're always chasing thatfirst high.
They want to be in that placeof feeling, of that feeling of
dopamine, that euphoria, thathigh feeling.
And so a lot of times whenyou're in your relationships and
you're not feeling that highfeeling, that intense feeling,
you think that there's somethingwrong, when in reality you were
just in a state of limerenceand now you're in a normal state
(28:29):
of being in a relationship,being in love.
So when I was in that state offantasizing, I was obsessing
over our interactions, replayingthem, having those intrusive
thoughts again and again andagain and again and again and
again.
When I was fantasizing wehadn't even had that many dates,
(28:49):
dates.
So what happened?
Because we didn't have thatmany dates, I just kept
replaying.
It's like watching a movieagain and again and again.
And a lot of times you you getin a state of limerence because
of the media.
The media is actually, you know, convincing you that this is
like love, this is love at firstsight.
I was watching a lot ofHallmark movies when I was in
(29:12):
PMDD one time and I think thatit was pushing me further into
that state of limerence becauseI was romanticizing what a
relationship should look like.
My social media, my algorithm,started to oh my gosh, I started
to follow all of these accountsthat had to do with couples
that were were reallylovey-dovey.
(29:32):
You know, they were reallyaffectionate with each other.
You know how you see thosereels where they're just like
cuddled up and laying in bed andlike how yummy it looks when
that partner pulls you closer.
And now my algorithm was reallyit was, it was fueling my state
of limerence, because I startedto feel like, oh my gosh, this
(29:53):
is the state that I want to bein and it started to make me
feel lonely.
I started to feel lonelybecause I wasn't with that
person, because I wasn't with myLO, I wasn't with my limerence
object and it was really like itwas really affecting me a lot,
like it was really affecting mea lot.
And so another way thatlimerence can affect you is when
(30:14):
you have PMDD.
It can exasperate these are thePMDD symptoms, that they can
exasperate your anxiety, yourdepression and if you get OCD
when you get, if you get OCDwhen you're in PMDD, limerence
is going to exasperate that foryou.
It is really going to make yourPMDD symptoms worse.
And so when you're in PMDD,limerence is going to exasperate
that for you.
It is really going to make yourPMDD symptoms worse.
And so when you combine now I'mgoing to go into what happens
when you combine limerence withPMDD Individuals with PMDD, we
(30:40):
already have emotionalsensitivity.
We already have rejectionsensitivity, but limerence is
amplifying those emotions soit's leading to even greater
mood swings.
So when I was in PMDD my moodswere all over the place, Like I
could normally feel like ups anddowns in PMDD with my mood, but
because I was in limerence theywere higher.
(31:01):
My highs were higher and mylows were lower.
My anxiety was increasedsubstantially.
I was having heart palpitations.
Let me tell you how seriousthis is.
I was having legit heartpalpitations when I tell you
that I was having that emotionaldistress, like that feeling in
my gut when I wasn't getting thetext message.
(31:22):
It was painful, literallypainful in my body.
So limerence involves persistent, intrusive thoughts, like again
and again and again about thatperson, about being with them,
about you.
You almost feel like your bodyis craving them, your body is
longing to be with them.
Your mind there's thisimaginary pull that you feel and
(31:46):
it's like these waves arecoming off of your body.
That is just like going towardsthat person and it's almost
like you're so obsessed thatyou're just not going to feel
good until you're in theirpresence.
I remember I was about to seethat person and I was literally
counting down the hours.
It was almost like a junkietrying to get their fix.
So with someone with PMDD andyou're in your luteal phase and
(32:08):
you're in this place, theseobsessive thoughts are more
overwhelming and they're harderto manage during the luteal
phase because it's almost likeyou can't calm down.
You have this anxious energy andyou're just thinking about them
and you're overthinking, like Ihope they like me all of these
things.
And so the next way thatlimerence can really impact your
PMDD is with the depression andanxiety.
(32:29):
So when you feel like yourlimerence object, your LO, that
person that you're obsessed with, is not reciprocating the same
feelings towards you, like theydon't like you as much as you
like them, or there's thisuncertainty, you have this
intense feeling of rejection,this intense feeling of
hopelessness.
This intense feeling ofrejection, this intense feeling
(32:50):
of hopelessness, this intensefeeling of anxiety, Like you
really feel like nothing in yourlife is going to be good
because you're not going to bewith this person.
And if you can't be with thisperson, you don't want to be
with anybody.
And you messed it up and thiswas your perfect match.
I remember beating myself upand feeling like maybe I should
just take a break from allrelationships because if it's
not this person, I'm never goingto find another person that's
(33:12):
going to do this for me.
I'm never going to find anotherperson that's going to make me
feel this way.
And I was on the outsidelooking in.
And another way that limerencecan affect you in PMDD is it can
disrupt your sleep patterns.
I remember I was so sleepy, so,so, so, so sleepy.
Remember I was so sleepy, so,so, so, so sleepy.
But because I wasn't gettingthe text message.
He had gone from texting meevery night to some evenings.
(33:36):
He just wouldn't text me goodnight.
So on the evenings that hewouldn't text me good night, I
was overthinking why he wasn'ttexting me.
I even went into my mind andthinking maybe he's with
somebody else, Maybe he's movedon.
He obviously doesn't want to bewith me.
I couldn't go to sleep.
I had a restless night.
I had insomnia, not because Iwasn't sleepy because you know,
(33:56):
in PMDD you're very sleepy, Likeyou have a lot of fatigue but
it's like I couldn't go to sleepbecause of the intrusive
thoughts that were spinningaround in my mind.
So I would wake, I would go tosleep with these intrusive
thoughts and I would wake upwith these intrusive thoughts.
And now I was walking aroundall day and I was dragging.
I was literally dragging and itreally started to impact my, my
(34:17):
social relationships, Like, andI didn't want to go out and
hang out with friends because Iwas just like it wasn't as
enjoyable as hanging out with myLO with my limerence object.
All I wanted to do was hang outwith this person.
I didn't want to hang out withmy friends.
I went to hang out with myfriends and I was thinking about
the person looking at my phone,checking my text messages.
(34:40):
And another way that it startedto impact my PMDD was it was
impacting my cognitive function.
It's not funny, it's not funnyat all.
I was losing my concentrationand I was losing my memory.
I could remember glimpses ofour dates together, but not the
(35:01):
whole thing.
I thought I was losing it.
I literally thought I wascuckoo for Cocoa Puffs because I
could.
I was fantasizing about thetime that we had spent together,
but I couldn't remember thewhole interaction Like.
This is how I know that I waslosing part of my memory and it
was affecting me cognitively.
It's both because when myfriend was asking me about the
date, my story started to switchup.
(35:22):
She was like I thought you didthis and I was like, well, yeah,
we did.
And she's like but I thought,after you did this, you did this
.
And I was like, oh yeah, Like.
My story was never the samebecause my cognitive brain
functioning was now impacted,because I was in the luteal
phase and I was in the state oflimerence.
I was like it was.
It was just hard for me to focuson daily tasks because I was
(35:43):
consistently looking at my phone.
I to focus on daily tasks.
Because I was consistentlylooking at my phone, I felt like
whenever I had an unread textmessage, I felt like I had to
immediately look at it becauseit could be from that person.
I even changed their ringtoneto be like a different ringtone
from everyone else's.
That way I could get thatdopamine hit when I actually did
receive a text message fromthem, actually did receive a
(36:07):
text message from them.
And the next way that it canaffect you when you're in your
luteal phase is I started to getunhealthy coping mechanisms
with my PMDD, meaning I feltlike I just needed to sleep more
, Like I couldn't go to sleep,but I felt like I needed to
force myself to sleep in orderto turn my brain off.
I was feeling that the only wayto get myself out of this hell
(36:28):
that I was living in, of beingin PMDD and in a state of
limerence, is I needed to justcut everything off and just be
asleep like turn everything off,shut everything down.
So this is how PMDD andlimerence can really affect you,
and now I'm going to go intowhat you can do about it.
(36:48):
So when I wanted to get out ofthe state of limerence which I
just felt like this doesn't feelgood to me.
So the first thing that Ineeded to do was to acknowledge
that I was not in a state ofhaving a crush.
I was not in love, I was insomething else.
And being that, a lot of youbecause limerence is not
(37:10):
well-known, you may not knowwhat to call it right, but I
knew that I had treated clientsbefore who had this, so when I
started to have it, I was ableto call myself out on it
immediately.
But what I would say if you'relistening to this and you're
like, yeah, Dr Rose, what you'redescribing is what I'm actually
going through or what I havebeen through the first thing you
need to do is to acknowledgeand accept that you're in a
(37:32):
state of limerence.
When you acknowledge and acceptthose feelings without judgment
, you're understanding thatlimerence is a natural
physiological response and thereare things you can do about it.
So the mantra that I would giveyou is that it's normal to
experience limerence and there'ssomething that I can do about
(37:54):
it.
Now I will say everyone doesn'texperience this.
There are people that have neverexperienced limerence in their
life with anybody, and, asintense as it is.
I almost wish that everybodycould just experience it just
once, just so they can feel whatit feels like to be completely
and utterly obsessed withsomeone.
(38:15):
Now, it's like going on aroller coaster.
You get this rush that I havenever felt this way about other
people.
I know when I'm in a state oflimerence and I know when I'm in
love, and I'll probably recordanother podcast on the
difference between limerence andlove.
But this state of limerence, itis unmatched.
And this is why sometimes youcould feel like you're so in
(38:37):
love with a person, you're someant to be with a person,
because it is uncontrollable.
Remember, I told you you don'thave control over these
physiological changes in yourmind and your body.
You're just on therollercoaster, You're just on
the ride, and it's taking you upand it's taking you down, and
it's taking you upside down andit's taking you around and
around and around.
So the first way to get off therollercoaster is to acknowledge
and accept that you're on therollercoaster, Acknowledge and
(38:59):
accept that you're in a state oflimerence.
And I remember the next thingthat I had to do, which was so
hard for me, was go, no contact.
I had to block this person andI did not want to block this
person Again.
I've blocked people before, butI did not.
Nothing in my mind, nothing inmy body wanted to block this
(39:20):
person, because I kept thinkingto myself I need to leave the
door open just in case they wantto get back.
Even though they hadn't textedme in like two days, I was like,
well, if I block them, then ifthey text me I will never get
their text message.
And here's the thing.
That's the point.
When you know that this personis not good for you, meaning
you're in a state of limerenceand they're not reciprocating
their feelings for you, meaningyou really like them, you're
(39:43):
obsessed with them, but they'renot giving you that
reciprocation.
This is why you're in a stateof limerence.
You're only in a state oflimerence with someone who is
making it.
It's making you feel unsureabout your connection with them.
This is why it's so common withdating and PMDD and all of
these things, because whenyou're dating, you're not
committed.
You know that the person likesyou, so they're telling you that
(40:03):
they like you, but you don'tknow if they want to be with you
forever.
You don't know if they want tobe in a committed relationship.
You don't know if they justwant to be friends with benefits
.
You don't know these things.
So you're in this in-betweenstage which is like you feel,
like you're almost, like youhave to show them.
You have to prove to them thatyou're a certain way in order
for them to fully accept you.
So this is what is fueling yourstate of limerence.
(40:26):
So what you need to do is youneed to go no contact.
I mean no physical contact, nosocial media contact, no text
message, nothing.
This is why, a lot of timeswhen I am dating people, I never
follow them on social media,because I know that I have the
ability to go into a state oflimerence, because I don't want
(40:48):
them coming up on my socialmedia feed.
Because the algorithm has a wayof intensifying your limerence
because it'll start showing youthis person again and again and
again.
It'll even start showing youold posts from them.
You know and not even like,even if they're not presently
posting on social media, it'llshow you old things, It'll keep
(41:09):
them in your timeline.
So you have to go no contact,unfollow them, block them on
social media, block them on yourphone, rip the bandaid off.
You're not going to want to doit.
10 out of 10, you're not goingto want to do it.
You are not going to want to go.
No contact with this person,because you are obsessed,
because you have fantasizedabout your future together.
It's almost like you'rebreaking your own heart.
(41:32):
I remember blocking andunblocking.
I would block and then the nextday I'd be like no, no, no,
Maybe I'm overthinking it, Maybethey really are a good person,
Maybe they really are good forme, Maybe I'm just overthinking
it and they're just busy.
I would make an excuse for themand then unblock them, and then
it wouldn't feel good for themnot to text me, so I would go
(41:52):
back and block them again.
This took me about a week and ahalf and so I finally was like
I'm not not blocking them.
What you need to do is don't beidle.
You need to engage inactivities.
You need to go out with yourfriends.
You need to go experiencedifferent hobbies, activities
and interests that you enjoy.
(42:12):
I remember I started saying yesmore to my friends.
We started going out dancing.
I started spending time.
I don't even mean like you haveto talk to someone else
intimately.
I just mean that you need to bedoing something, because if you
sit in your house and donothing.
You intimately, I just meanthat you need to be doing
something, because if you sit inyour house and do nothing,
you're going to unblock them,You're going to break no contact
(42:33):
and then you're going to haveto start the process all over
again.
The next thing is you need toseek support from friends and
families, and I've had a lot ofclients my private clients have
had more sessions with me.
When you are going no contactwith a person, that's not good
for you, it is very helpful tohave more sessions with me
because I can really work withyou to rewire your brain,
(42:55):
especially when you're in PMDD,and really help you to give you
the tools to not text them tokeep you.
The longer you stay no contact,the easier it becomes.
The first week is the hardest,I will tell you that.
But the first two weeks, whenyou're in a state of limerence
like I went no contact while Iwas going through two weeks of
(43:16):
my luteal phase, and I felt likeI was going through hell, I
felt like somebody was literallybreaking my heart.
I really felt like depressed.
I felt like that light, thatspark that was in me before was
gone, Like somebody tooksomebody just took my batteries
out and I was like glitchingLike you ever seen, like a page
on your screen and it's likeloading, Like I was not fully
(43:36):
there and the next thing I hadto do was, when I got into these
states of overthinking andobsessive thinking, I had to
start to go on more what I callwalking meditation.
I took myself out of the houseand I did a lot more walks
outside.
I put my headphones on, Ilistened to happy music.
(43:58):
I did a lot of music therapy.
I do not want you listening tosad music when you're in the
state of limerence, because it'sgoing to make you feel worse.
I was listening to music thatmade me feel good and initially
I was listening to the musicthat would normally make me feel
good, and it didn't make mefeel good.
I still.
It's like it was the same song.
It was like one of my favoritesongs, but all of a sudden it
(44:19):
just didn't feel good to meanymore and I and I I was like
everything seemed like a lesserversion of what used to please
me.
So another thing that I wantyou to do if you know that your
LL, your limerence object, isgoing to show up in your
(44:40):
day-to-day activities.
You need to set some boundaries, you need to reroute yourself.
If you used to always see themat the coffee shop, if you used
to always see them when youdropped off your kid at school,
I had a client where it was oneof.
They were dating another one of.
They were dating a parent oftheir child's friend, so they
had to stop going to the pickupline or the drop-off line at
(45:01):
that same time because they usedto always run into them.
Because every single time yousee your limerence object, that
person that you're obsessed with, it makes you go back to that
place of having to pretty muchstart all over, like that board
game sorry where they have totake you back home.
That's what it feels like.
It's almost like you have torestart the process of going, no
contact and really pulling awayevery single time that you see
(45:23):
them.
Because you see them again, youfantasize again about them
again, All of the thoughts comerushing back, All of the
physiological things in yourbody.
It's like you plugged yourselfin.
When you see them and you havecontact with them, you're
plugging yourself into thatenergy that you're experiencing
in your mind and your body andthen all of a sudden you become
obsessed all over again.
So the longer you stay nocontact, the more the obsession
(45:45):
starts to you're like weaningoff of them.
It's like weaning off of a drug.
Really, really focus onself-care.
I remember I had stopped doingmy morning routine.
I did it, but I wasn't reallymoving my body.
I had to go back to moving mybody.
I had to go back to gettingmore sleep.
I was catching up on sleep.
(46:06):
I started to crash a lot.
By crash I mean sleeping forlike 10 to 12 hours because I
had spent so much time in thatstate of limerence where I
wasn't getting a lot of sleep.
I wasn't getting a lot of sleepand so I just I had a state of
a period where I was justsleeping a lot, just catching up
on replenishing myself, feelingbetter.
(46:27):
And then the next way that youcan really wean yourself off of
this state of limerence is focuson seeing the person for who
they really are.
Focus on the reality of theperson.
I had idolized the person somuch where one of the
individuals that I was dating Iwas not honestly attracted to I
had made excuses for physicalattributes that weren't even
(46:51):
attractive to me.
I don't know what I wasthinking when I had come out of
that state of limerence.
I remember looking back andlooking at pictures and I'm
being like what was going on inmy mind?
Because when you're in a stateof limerence, you don't
necessarily have to be attractedto the person you don't
actually sexually, it's not.
You don't sexually have to beattracted to them.
(47:12):
You'll have this longing to bewith them sexually and stuff
like that, but it may besomebody that's not even your
type.
If they become your limerenceobject, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
You want their acceptance, youwant the reciprocation of
knowing that they like you,whether you're attracted to them
or not.
It's very weird Because when Ilooked back I was like I would
(47:35):
never go for somebody like that.
That's crazy, Because I was outof the state of limerence.
This is how I knew that I waskind of weaning myself off of.
It was because I was startingto see the reality of who that
person was.
And a lot of times when you'rein that state of limerence and
you're glorifying who thatperson is newsflash.
(47:56):
They're not that great Notsaying that they're a bad person
, but they're not as great asyou make them out to be.
I remember this person.
I would literally just picturethem like, oh my God, my future
with them and all the thingsLike, when I look back on it,
that other person that I wasdating.
I wouldn't want to live my lifewith them.
(48:18):
Our lifestyles were notconducive for each other, but I
would have changed my lifestylewhen I was in that state of
limerence.
I would have changed mylifestyle to mirror theirs,
because I was so infatuated,because I was so obsessed.
When I came out of that stateof limerence, it's almost like
when you come out of your lutealphase and you're into your
follicular phase and you'relooking at your partner and you
(48:39):
can look at them clearly and youcan look at your relationship
clearly.
That's when everything becameclear to me.
I was like the fog was gone,the mental clarity came back and
I was like whoa, wait a minute.
So the only way that I hadgotten to that place of clarity
was that I had allowed myself tocome out of limerence.
(49:00):
And limerence is so impactfulwhen you have PMDD.
It can take all of yoursymptoms and really just magnify
them and it impacts your mind,it impacts your body.
So if that's something that youknow that you need help with.
(49:21):
Please, please, please, go toinlovewithpmddcom and get those
counseling sessions, becauseit's really going to help you
not only identify the areas thatthe limerence is attacking you
on, but also to help pull youout of it, Because limerence can
actually last as little as justa couple of days.
If you're dating, you can be ina state of limerence for just a
(49:42):
couple of days.
But I've had private clientsthat have been in a state of
limerence prior to our sessionsfor months, and I can't imagine
going through months of PMDD andbeing in a state of limerence,
with the emotional highs andlows.
Again.
It's like a roller coaster.
Your emotions are already goingup and down and it's messing
with your hormones.
(50:02):
I just can't believe thatpeople aren't putting the pieces
of this, this limerence andPMDD puzzle, together.
But I hope that this episodehelped you and if you're in that
state of limerence, please,please, please, know that you're
not alone.
Know that I've been there.
I've been there, I've come outof it.
I know what it feels like whenI can, and now I'm at a point
(50:23):
where I can identify if I'm evengetting in a state of limerence
and I can stop myself, andthat's something that I can
teach you as well, because a lotof the qualities that you have,
like a lot of the reasons thatyou're more susceptible to
limerence, is because of youhave past trauma.
Shocker Again, get into mytrauma course that starts on
August the 7th.
(50:43):
It's free, Just DM me yourinformation.
But trauma is one of thereasons why you are more
susceptible to being in a stateof limerence.
Because you didn't have, likeyou had, insecure attachment
styles in your childhood.
So mine is because of mychildhood trauma.
Basically Yours could bebecause of past trauma that
(51:06):
you've had in past relationships.
That's something that we candiscuss on a private session.
I can tell you where the root ofyour limerence is coming from,
which is really helpful becausethen when I feel myself going
into a state of limerence, I cankind of pull myself out and be
like, oh no, we're not doingthis and I know that I'm in the
(51:27):
state of limerence and I'm moresusceptible to it.
So it helps me when I'm datingto be able to recognize it more
and to know when someone is notgood for me or I'm getting in a
state of limerence and reallypulling back and seeing them for
who they really are, not whoI'm fantasizing them to be, Like
I have to literally counselmyself and do the work with
(51:49):
separating them from being my LO, my limerence object to them
being who they really are.
And if that's something thatyou need help with, if you need
to know how to map it out, if weneed to map it out on a session
, a private session, that'ssomething that I've done with my
clients before we just weliterally get to the root of it
so that you can know whether youneed to go, no contact, or if
(52:11):
you can turn this limerence intosomething that is healthy and
what that actually looks like.
So I hope this has helped youand until next time we got this,
Love you.
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Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.