April 10, 2025 • 48 mins
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The words we speak in our relationships have a power that extends far beyond the moment they're uttered. For those navigating PMDD relationships, this power becomes even more significant as negative statements spoken during luteal phase can transform into what I call "word curses" - harmful declarations that stick with us and our partners despite our best intentions.
Have you ever wondered why you can't move forward in your relationship despite genuine apologies and improved behavior? The answer might lie in these word curses. When you tell your partner "we shouldn't be together" or "you're impossible to love" during a PMDD episode, your brain doesn't file these statements away as temporary feelings. Instead, they become embedded beliefs that shape how both of you perceive the relationship long-term.
These negative declarations create a particularly devastating cycle in PMDD relationships. During follicular phase, you might speak lovingly about your partner, highlighting all their wonderful qualities. But after experiencing their harsh words during luteal phase, they struggle to trust the authenticity of your affection. How can the same person who called them manipulative also genuinely believe they're amazing? This contradiction undermines trust at the foundation of your connection.
I often use a powerful metaphor with my clients: imagine each hurtful word as a rock placed in your backpack. Over months or years together, that backpack becomes unbearably heavy as you collect and carry these word curses with you. The relationship feels impossibly difficult not because you don't love each other, but because you're both weighed down by the accumulated pain of words spoken.
Breaking free requires recognizing that you cannot "out-action" hurtful words. No amount of loving behavior can erase their impact without directly addressing them. You must identify the source of these negative statements, challenge their validity, consistently speak life instead of death into your relationship, and practice daily forgiveness. Only by removing these rocks one by one can you both find the freedom to move forward together.
Ready to transform your relationship by breaking these word curses? Join my PMDD Power Couples Group Counseling Membership where we'll work through this process together. Visit inlovewithpmdd.com to learn more and start speaking power into your relationship today.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
So today I want to talk to you about one of the
things that keeps you stuck andsuffering in your PMDD
relationship, and this is wordcurses.
So previously I've spoken onthis and I've called it hurtful
words as being something that isreally in your PMDD
relationship.
When you get into your lutealphase and you get into these
(00:23):
fights and you get into thesearguments, there are hurtful
words that are said and it keepsyou stuck, and the reason why
it keeps you stuck is becausePMDD grabs hold to everything
that you're saying, regardlessof whether you mean it or not.
Later on, those words stick,and so what I've been seeing a
lot in my practice is that youknow, clients are telling me
(00:45):
that, even though their partnerhas apologized, they're still
thinking about the hurtful wordsthat have been spoken to them
and the nasty words that havebeen said and that the you know,
even just saying that you wantto break up, and I think so many
times we get desensitized tothese hurtful words and we don't
recognize the impact that theyreally have on us in a PMDD
(01:08):
relationship.
That's how I noticed that itwas a word curse, meaning
something that's spoken over youand it's carried with you day
after day, month after month,year after year, and you're
still thinking about what wassaid and it's so deeply rooted
and it causes you to not be ableto move on in your PMDD
relationship because even ifyour partner hasn't said it in a
month, they haven't said it ina week, they haven't said it in
(01:30):
two months, they haven't said itin a year, you're still holding
onto it and it's because it's aword curse.
And so a lot of times we're notrecognizing what they are and I
know it sounds like reallywitchy, but word curses are
really.
They're just negative, harmfulstatements.
They're spoken over therelationship.
They're saying we are notcompatible, we shouldn't be
together, we should break up.
(01:51):
This is a statement that you'remaking and subconsciously your
brain doesn't know that youdon't mean it.
At the time that you're just inyour luteal phase, that you
guys are just stressed andhaving an argument, it's taking
it as it's true.
So when things start to happenin your relationship and you're
wondering why you can't moveforward and why you keep
thinking about it, it's becauseyou place that word curse over
your relationship.
(02:11):
And so what I'm going to dotoday is I'm going to help you
break that word curse over yourPMDD relationship, because I'm
all about freedom.
I'm all about not being stuckand not just, like I said
earlier, not just talking aboutthe hurtful words that were said
again and again and again andre-traumatizing yourself by
talking about them.
We're going to break them today.
(02:32):
We're going to break free sothat you can get out of the
realm of keep thinking aboutwhat your partner said.
Did they really mean that?
Because I think that's a lot oftimes.
That's where the hurtful part is, because even if it's said in
anger, there's a part of youthat believes that they meant it
.
There's a part of you that islike you know what?
Maybe I am manipulative, maybeI am a narcissist, maybe we're
(02:54):
not compatible.
And so when you get in yourfollicular days and you're
saying things clearly and youguys are talking all lovingly
and you're saying all these niceand amazing things, your
partner is almost to the pointwhere they can't believe you,
because it's like how can yousay these wonderful things about
me and then, on the flip side,you say these nasty things about
me?
I've been in relationships somany times that have been like
(03:15):
that, where I didn't know.
I did feel a little bitmanipulated because I'm like you
just called me all these names,you just said all these nasty
things about me, you attacked mycharacter.
And then the next thing I know,when I'm back, acting, loving,
then you're like oh, I love you,you're so amazing and I'm like
I don't know which one is trueLike do you believe that I'm a
piece of crap or do you believethat I'm amazing?
(03:37):
And so it causes you to likekind of stifle your partner from
even saying and doing lovingthings, because you start to not
trust the things that yourpartner is saying, because it's
so.
It can go so the opposite, andthis can be for both partners.
You know when, when I'm in myfollicular days, I was so vocal
about how I could see so clearlythe things that I loved about
(04:00):
my partner, and I would be sovocal and say, oh my gosh,
you're such, you're such anamazing partner because of this,
this and this, and I can listout a million reasons why
they're amazing.
And then I would go into myluteal phase and see a list of
reasons why we were notcompatible, why we shouldn't be
together, all these things.
So just as strongly as I feltthat they were amazing, it's
just as strongly as I had thesenegative emotions and feelings
(04:22):
and words that were spoken, andso there was a lack of trust and
it was kind of like takenlightly, like I would be, like
how come we're not gettingcloser by me saying these loving
things?
And it's just because yourpartner starts to not trust you,
they start to feel like theycan't trust anything that you're
gonna say, because as quick asyou can say I love you, I think
you're amazing the same way thatyou can be like I think you're
(04:43):
amazing the same way that youcan be like I don't think we
should be together, we shouldjust break up.
And that's a very vulnerableplace to be, because you don't
want to be put in that situationwhere the blanket is just
ripped from underneath you,where you don't know if your
partner is going to say thatthey're going to break up the
next day.
There's a lack of securitythere and so when these word
curses are on you, it reallytakes a toll in your PMDD
relationship with emotionaltriggers.
(05:04):
So the first thing is it cantrigger you.
Every single time a negativeword is spoken about you, about
the relationship, that iscausing doubt, like I don't even
know if we should be together,I don't know if we're going to
make it Like.
I remember one time an ex toldme that we were working on an
issue and I was like we reallyneed to work on this because
it's really going to make ourrelationship better if we just
(05:24):
work on this.
And they literally said to meyeah, I'm going to work on that,
but I don't know, like I don'tknow if the improvement is going
to come while I'm with you.
Like basically, I don't know ifI'm going to be with you by the
time this issue is fixed.
And that was so hurtful for mebecause it was the first time
that I had heard my partner atthe time talk like we weren't
going to be together.
I was just like what do youmean?
(05:45):
Like you don't know if thisissue is going to be fixed while
we're together.
So after that, later on, he wassaying all these nice and
loving things and I justcouldn't get past the word that
he said.
I couldn't get past the phraseof like I don't know if it's
going to get fixed while I'mwith you.
And so I want you to reallythink about because I'm going to
work with you on this.
(06:07):
You know, if you haven't joinedthe PMDD Power Couples Group
Counseling Membership.
I'm going to be basically doinglike a working group and we're
going to be working through theactual word curses that are
going on in your mind to breakthem.
This is just an overview, butif that's something that you
know that you need, you know youhave these word curses that
have been spoken.
(06:28):
You know you've had things thatyour partner has said that you
just have not been able to getover.
You need to join thatmembership so that we can work
through this specifically so Ican tailor it to your PMDD
relationship to your partner, tothe words that were actually
spoken and said.
So I'm going to put the link inthe show notes for that or you
can go to the link in my bio onInstagram Dr Rose underscore in
(06:50):
love with PMDD.
But what I want you to reallythink about is what are the
words that have been spoken toyou?
What are the things?
Because sometimes it's yourpartner has said some things and
they haven't really botheredyou as much.
But then there's some thingsthat stick and I noticed for me
things that I was insecure about, things that had been said to
(07:10):
me in regards to my childhoodtrauma.
Those were the things thatreally stuck with me because it
was confirming that bias.
It was confirming maybe I amthis way, or maybe I am hard to
love, or maybe I am all thesethings because they were tapping
into an unhealed part of me andso it was an emotional trigger
for me.
Every single time I had thesenegative words, these hurtful
words that were spoken, itintensified my feelings of shame
(07:34):
, of feeling bad about myself.
It intensified my feelings ofanger.
I felt pissed off that theywere kind of calling me out, and
then it also intensified myfeeling of not being worthy of a
relationship, because when yourpartner says negative things
about you, it's almost like whena parent says something
negative about you.
This is supposed to be theperson that's the closest person
to you.
(07:54):
So obviously, if they're sayingthis about you, it has to be
true.
They know the core of who youare.
So if they're saying thesenegative things, if they think
you're a narcissist, then you'relikely to believe your partner.
If they're saying you'remanipulative, if they're saying
you're selfish, if they're doingany of this name calling,
you're believing them becauseyou're feeling like they know me
best.
So if they're saying it, itmust be true, and so the next
(08:17):
thing it does?
It reinforces those feelings ofshame and self-doubt.
You're constantly hearingphrases that your partner is
saying to you like you'reimpossible to love when you're
in PMDD or you're impossible tolove when you're in your luteal
phase.
It can cause you to have reallylow self-esteem.
You know, I've been on thisjourney for the past year of
just rebuilding my self-worthbecause I had had so much
(08:40):
negativity spoken and positivity.
So I will say it was a balanceof the two.
I had a lot of negative wordsthat were said specifically
about me and my character, butthen I also had really positive
things.
But I don't know if you knowthis cognitively, your brain
will remember the negative morethan it remembers the positive.
That's why if you're hearingsomething negative, you almost
have to reinforce it five timescognitively, five times.
(09:03):
To reinforce one negativestatement needs five positive
statements in order to cancel itout and five positive, specific
statements, not basic.
Like I love you, you're great.
No, no, no.
It has to be very specificbecause you have to rewire your
brain to believe the positiveonce it's been told one negative
thing, and so a lot of times,the next thing that happens is
(09:26):
it creates a toxic cycle whenyou start to just get really
loose with speaking negativelywith each other.
In PMDD.
It becomes the norm in theluteal phase, like you're having
fights, you're having arguments, you're cursing, you're name
calling, you set theseboundaries of not doing it, but
then you do it anyway.
And so harsh words spoken overa period of time, it creates a
(09:50):
cycle of blame and resentmentand it pushes you and your
partner further apart, becauseyou're thinking how can you say
that you love me, how can yousay that you want to be with me?
And you're saying thesenegative things about me because
it's solidifying it in yourmind, because it's happening
every single month.
Your partner is sayingsomething negative about you and
so when they're sayingsomething positive, you're like
you really don't mean that.
Or you start to think oh,you're just saying something
(10:11):
positive because you're tryingto get something out of me.
Maybe you're just trying tohave sex tonight.
So you're saying these positivethings but you really are
annoyed with me and think I'm apiece of crap.
I really trigger you and allthese things.
But now you're saying somethingnice and you start to question
why your partner is sayingsomething nice because you're so
stuck on the negative thingsthat they've said, and so the
next thing that happens is itdestroys trust.
(10:32):
You don't trust anything thatyour partner is saying because
when the words are used tocriticize or cause you to feel
less about yourself, you don'thave any level of emotional
vulnerability where you feelsafe to be open, to be yourself
because you feel like it's goingto be criticized, cause you to
feel less about yourself.
You don't have any level ofemotional vulnerability where
you feel safe to be open, to beyourself because you feel like
it's going to be criticized.
I can't be open, I can't reallybe myself because I feel like
they're going to pick at me.
(10:53):
This is when it comes towalking on eggshells.
So if you haven't gotten myprogram, my partner has PMDD.
Now what it's talking all about?
Walking on eggshells, thereasons why you walk on
eggshells in your PMDDrelationship and when you don't
trust your partner, I will tellyou that there is a big lack of
intimacy.
I've been there before where Ididn't know what to believe.
(11:16):
I was so confused because ofthe word curses that were spoken
over me and the relationship Ididn't.
One day they wanted to be withme forever and the next day they
didn't know if we should betogether, like next day that I'm
having to prove to them reasonswhy we should be together.
And I was just like I can'tkeep up, like I had no safety,
no security.
I always felt like it was gonnabe questioned.
(11:37):
I always felt like I had toprove myself.
I had to be on my P's and Q's,as my dad used to say.
Growing up I felt like Icouldn't just be a human and
even make mistakes in and out myluteal phase, because I was
always going to be judged and Iwas always going to be put in
this corner of having to provethat we should be together,
(11:57):
having to prove that we are agood partnership, having to
prove that I do love you andcare about you and when that's
questioned because of thehurtful words, you care about
what your partner thinks aboutyou.
And I remember getting to apoint in previous relationships
where I was mad at myself.
I was like I really wish Ididn't care what my partner
(12:19):
thought about me becausebasically my self-worth, my
identity, was built in what mypartner said about me.
So if one day my partner saidyou're amazing, you're the best
thing that's ever happened to me, I would feel so good about
myself.
And then the next day if theysaid, oh my, and they're angry
and they're triggered andthey're like you're a piece of
crap, you're manipulative,you're selfish, I don't know why
(12:39):
you're like this, you need towork on yourself.
I would feel horrible aboutmyself.
So I was on this puppet stringsof like whatever my partner
felt about me dictated my moodand how I felt about myself.
And I remember saying to myselfI never want to be in that
situation again where I'm soeasily pushed and pulled,
because that's a verycodependent relationship.
(13:01):
When I was getting to the pointof rebuilding my self-worth, it
had to be that whatever Ibelieved about myself, that had
to be what mattered, not what mypartner thought, and not in a
selfish, egotistical,narcissistic way where it's like
I don't care what you thinkabout me.
It's being so solid with whoyou are as a person that even
(13:22):
when you're hearing the hurtfulwords and the word curses that
are being spoken over you andthe relationship that you're not
leaning into that becauseyou're like no, I'm an amazing
person.
But over time, if you've hadthese word curses spoken over
you, these negative, hurtfulwords, specifically if your
partner is saying the same thing, that's what makes you start to
believe it.
If they're consistently callingyou selfish, if they're
(13:43):
consistently calling you anarcissist, if they're
consistently calling youmanipulative, if they're
consistently calling you evil ormean or rude or whatever the
thing that they're consistentlycalling you or saying about you,
you're going to start tobelieve it because you're going
to be like, wow, they wouldn'tkeep saying this if it wasn't
true.
And so the next thing thathappens when you have these word
curses is you're literallymanifesting negative outcomes in
(14:05):
your relationship.
When you keep saying stuff likeour relationship won't survive
because of PMDD, subconsciouslyyou're creating that environment
.
You're creating that realityfor your life, and that's why I
always tell my private clients Idon't care if you're feeling
horrible about your PMDDrelationship.
Words have power, the thingsthat you're saying about your
relationship.
You don't understand thatyou're creating a pact.
(14:27):
You're creating a vow andsaying this is what our
relationship is.
Our relationship sucks becauseof PMDD.
Because there's PMDD like we'renot gonna survive.
When you're saying that, even iflater on you get in your
follicular days and you'refeeling amazing and you're
feeling that you can handle it,you're going to be facing a lot
of obstacles because cognitivelyyou program your brain.
Your brain doesn't know ifyou're being serious or not.
(14:49):
Your brain, when you like, saylike oh, I didn't really mean
that your brain doesn't knowthat.
Your brain knows what you'respeaking and what you're
declaring.
And words have power, thethings that you say.
Your brain is listening to youand then you have that bias
moving forward.
If you say our relationshipwon't survive because of PMDD,
or PMDD is caught, because youhave PMDD or because I have PMDD
(15:11):
, our relationship is alwaysgonna be horrible.
We have something called thereticular activating system and
what that means is your brain isgonna consistently look for
reasons to confirm the wordsthat you are saying.
So, within the reticularactivating system, if you say
that our relationship won'tsurvive because of PMDD or PMDD
because we have PMDD, ourrelationship is gonna suck.
(15:32):
It's gonna start to make youfocus on things that make your
relationship suck and are yougonna have hard times in your
relationship?
Yes, but what your brain istrying to do is it's gonna pick
out all of those negative thingsand it's gonna filter out the
positive, because guess what?
The positive doesn't lend tothat negative word curse that
you just put on it.
The negative word curse of ourrelationship won't survive
(15:54):
because of PMDD is what yourbrain is now focused on, and so
you need to be very mindful ofthe words that you're speaking
about your relationship, becauseyou can't really you can't take
it back.
That's the thing about wordcurses you cannot take it back.
You can't go back in time andsay, even if you apologize to
your partner and say, oh, I'msorry, babe, I didn't really
(16:15):
mean that, and you forgive themin the moment so that you can
enjoy the moment, but you'restill thinking about the things
that they said, you're stillquestioning whether they really
meant it, like they can't goback in time and erase it from
your memory.
Once it's said, it's said.
And I feel like we need to getto the point where we're really
(16:35):
recognizing how powerful wordsare and how we cannot take them
back and how our words cancreate our reality.
The words that we're saying,the belief that we have behind
the words, are creating ourreality and our PMDD
relationship and you need to bemindful of that.
And if you've genuinely gottento a place where you've been
(16:55):
saying stuff that you don'treally mean and then you're like
you're minimizing it, oh, youknow, I just said that because I
was in my luteal phase.
Oh, I just said that because Iwas in my luteal phase.
Oh, I just did that because Iwas on PMDD.
Oh, I just did that because Iwas triggered.
Oh, I just did that because Iwas angered, because I was angry
.
Just because you're angry, itdoesn't give you permission to
speak negatively about yourpartner or your relationship.
I'm going to repeat that Justbecause you are triggered it
(17:18):
triggered it doesn't give youpermission to talk negatively
about your relationship or yourpartner.
You can be pissed off, but alot of things that happen when
you're in the realm of beingpissed off with your partner you
need to really keep to yourself.
You really need to keep it toyourself in a way of you're
(17:38):
processing it, you're journalingit, you're having private
sessions with me.
You do not need to go to yourpartner and say these negative
things because the impact thatit's going to have on them by
saying it you're not going to beable to reverse it.
I don't care how much theypretend like it didn't bother
them, how much they pretend thatthey forgave you, they're still
thinking about it.
(17:59):
You can go have sex with them.
You can have makeup sex.
You can have an amazing like.
You can go have sex with them,you can have makeup sex, you can
have an amazing trip, you cando all these things and they're
still going to be reverting backto the negative, nasty things
that you said about them andthey're going to be like, yeah,
we had a great time, but I can'tforget the fact that they
called me a piece of crap twoweeks ago.
That's a word curse.
That is what a word curses.
It means it's stuck to you.
(18:20):
It's stuck to you.
You know how they used to say,like white on rice.
It's stuck to you becausethere's some part of you that
actually believes that.
They thought that and in somecases, maybe they thought it in
the moment and maybe they didn't, and maybe you'll never know,
but there's something in youthat is like man, that really
hurt.
It's happened with me so manytimes where I, where they you
(18:40):
know partners have said stuffand I'm I want to move on.
I want us to not be in thisplace of fighting and arguing,
but I'm still like dang, thatwas below the belt, like that
was harsh, that was mean, thatwas cruel, that was nasty.
And then when you go into PMDand you're thinking about like
being with a person, you're kindof like do I want to be with
(19:03):
someone that's willing to saynasty things about me?
I, literally I had to do that.
Am I?
Am I dating around right nowand I'll be very open and honest
with you?
That's that's.
That's not something that I'mwilling to to gamble with
anymore, because I know thepower of those word curses.
I feel like I was fightingagainst things that were said in
(19:24):
my previous relationships and Ijust tried to get over them and
I tried to not think about themand I almost tried to make them
not matter to me.
I was like I wish I could getto the point where they could
say nasty things and they notreally affect me, they not
really stick to me.
But every single time I wouldgo in my luteal phase it was
kind of like I felt stupid.
(19:44):
I literally felt stupid.
Like why would you be withsomeone who called you a piece
of crap?
Why would you be with someonewho yelled at you?
Why would you be with someonethat cursed at you?
I was beating myself up forstaying in a situation where
someone was, you know, being alittle bit verbally abusive, and
I keep downplaying it a little.
You know being a little bitverbally abusive and I keep
(20:04):
downplaying it a little bit.
I will say a little bitverbally abusive, but honestly,
yelling and cursing at a personand just because you can't
control your emotions, it'sverbally abusive.
And when it comes topremenstrual dysphoric disorder,
if that's something that youknow that you need help with,
you need to get help with that.
That's not something where youit's not sustainable.
(20:26):
Like at some point they'regoing to leave and I and I
talked to you about this onprevious episodes Like I as a
counselor, I would never advisesomeone to stay with someone
just because they have PMDD andbe like oh, they have PMDD, so
you know they're probably goingto verbally abuse you, but just
take it in stride, you know,chalk it up.
It's about no, no, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
(20:47):
no, no.
I've seen what that can do toan individual Suicidal ideations
, suicidal attempts, takingone's life because of words that
are spoken.
That's how serious.
I need you to really understandthese word curses.
You speak negatively aboutsomeone, about the relationship
(21:12):
that they care about, thatthey're devoting their life to,
and they're in the realm ofsuicidal ideations.
They're willing to take theirlife off of things that you've
said to them they're willing toattempt to take their life over
things, that you've threatenedthem.
I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna do that.
You haven't even actually donethem, but because you've spoken
about them, they're willing toend it all.
So this is why I can't playwith words.
(21:34):
This is why I can't give you aget out of jail free card.
This is why I can't give you apass on saying, oh yeah, you can
say hurtful words to yourpartner.
They're just supposed to not beso sensitive.
We are in an intimaterelationship.
Of course you're going to besensitive and I've been there.
There's no shame.
I'm not shading you.
(21:55):
I'm not saying I'm any betterthan you, because I've been in a
relationship earlier in myjourney where I told my partner
to just suck it up.
I'm like you know, I'm in PMDD.
You know, stop being sosensitive.
Like I didn't really mean that.
I've said those things and Ifelt horrible about it.
Once I understood the impact ofit, when I really understood
(22:18):
how much I hurt partners bysaying that and making them feel
like they should just takeverbal abuse and just be okay
with it because I have PMDD.
Who am I?
Who am I that I am so above youthat I can talk down to you and
then expect you to love me andcare for me and be a supportive
(22:40):
PMDD partner.
Like who are you?
Who do you think you are?
Just because you're with someonethat genuinely loves and cares
about you and you've probablygotten in your mind that they're
not going anywhere.
Like that's probably whathappened is, they said they're
going to leave.
But then you know, cognitivelyyou can actually think about it
(23:00):
and you're like if someonetreated me like this, like I
would be gone.
But then the fact that they'restill here, like they're
probably not going anywhere.
And when you get into thatlevel of pride and ego, your
behavior reflects that.
Like you know, when you're withsomeone and they're scared to
lose you and they're willing todo what it what it takes to to
be with you to make it work, andthen you know when you're with
(23:22):
someone who you can pretty muchtreat them like crap and they're
not going anywhere.
So then you stop trying to workon yourself.
You're like what's the point?
They're not going anywhere.
Like they said they're going toleave, they're not leaving.
And then you look at thebenefits and the pros and where
are they going to go.
What are they going to?
You're not trying to fix yourbehavior.
You're just pretty much annoyedat the fact that they keep
calling you out on your behavior.
(23:43):
That's the level of ego andpride that can happen when
you're in PMD.
You're like listen, yeah, Iknow you don't like this.
Yeah, I know you don't likethat.
You can leave.
You can even get as cocky as tobe like leave if you want to.
You can tell them leave if youwant to, because you know that
they're not going anywhere.
And when you're in that placeit's a very dangerous place to
be because you end up talking toyour partner like a piece of
(24:06):
crap and what happens istriggers emotional withdrawal in
the other partner.
Partners will emotionally shutdown individuals who have PMDD
and who don't.
They will shut down emotionallyto avoid communicating with you
because they know that it hurts, because they know that you can
say these hurtful words, sothey stop talking to you or it
(24:26):
gets really basic and it's veryobvious.
They only want to talk about,you know shallow things like oh,
I'm good, what's the situationwith the kids?
Where are we going for this?
Like logistical things.
When you go to try to have anintimate conversation.
They're not having it with youbecause they could let their
guard down and guess what?
Then you're going to talk tothem like crap and then they're
going to be hurt even more.
Then they're going to feelstupid for falling for it Like
(24:49):
man.
I can't believe I fell for that.
I really thought they weregoing to be nice and kind and
loving and all these things andhere I fell for it.
They don't trust them, so theyemotionally shut down to protect
themselves.
And then you're like, oh mygosh, I'm trying to be loving,
I'm trying to do this.
You know, I honestly Iunderstand the wall that
individuals can put up oncethey've been verbally abused and
(25:12):
verbally and physically abused.
When you're mixing the two andyou throw and by physically
abused I don't mean you put yourhands on them, you physically
show them acts of rage.
This could be for both of you,the ones who have PMDD and who
don't and then you're expectingthem to just get over it.
You know, when seeing yourpartner in rage whether it's a
partner that has PMDD or notit's very traumatic.
(25:34):
It's very traumatic.
I remember looking at likelooking at seeing with my own
eyes what my partner was capableof doing and it scared the crap
out of me and I was like andthis is, it's like, it's like
that movie sleeping with theenemy, like you are willing to
wreak havoc on all of thisthings Cause you're angry and
(25:57):
you're mad.
How do I know if you're notangry and mad again, that you're
not going to do something worsethan that?
The trust is not there.
So what it does is it increasesa level of anxiety and
depression.
This is what I'm dealing with alot with the partners.
So for those of you who arethinking, oh, they don't have
symptoms, yes, they do.
(26:18):
Partners have symptoms.
Biggest ones are suicidalideations, feelings of
hopelessness, anxiety anddepression Because that negative
self-talk and verbal abuse thatthey're feeling.
They're feeling hopeless,they're feeling like I don't
know what else to do in thisrelationship and so their mental
health really, really struggleswhile being in this PMDD
(26:39):
relationship.
And, yes, you can get in yourfollicular days and be all happy
and give them all the love,affection, attention, validation
that they're wanting it doesn'terase the word curses that you
have put over the relationshipand over them when you've
pointed out their flaws andyou're consistently picking at
them and saying you don't needto do this and you're doing this
and I need you to do this.
(26:59):
But then you get in yourfollicular phase and you're like
I feel so lucky to be with you.
It's like what are you talkingabout?
The other day you just told meI need to work on myself because
I'm a narcissist, and nowyou're telling me you're lucky
to be with me.
Like which one is it?
It's hard to keep up, and sowhat happens is, when you have
these work curses, it reallycreates an identity confusion,
like You're literally like whodoes this person really think I
(27:22):
am?
Who does my partner reallythink I am?
Am I this crazy person doingPMDD and I'm crazy doing my
luteal and I'm a maniac and I'ma psycho and I'm this and this
and this?
Or am I this loving partnerthat gives them everything that
they need and they love andadore me, or is it both?
It's kind of like is itpossible for them to feel both
ways about me?
Because you feel like you wantto believe.
(27:45):
When they're saying the goodthings, you want to believe them
, but then the word curse isthere.
So it's like going over whatyour partner said negatively and
it's like I don't know.
I don't know if I can believethe positive things that are
said.
And so what this does is itcreates you to feel defeated and
disconnected, because you can'treally trust what your partner
(28:07):
is saying.
You can't really trust whatthey're telling you because it
could easily change.
And so I'm going to talk to youabout some ways that you can
break the word curses in yourPMDD relationship, and again,
you have to break it.
You have to break it, and thefirst thing is identify the
(28:28):
source.
Where is this coming from?
Why?
Because you know there'scriticism, but it could be.
You could say anything that'shurtful.
Why, specifically, am I selfish?
Why, specifically, do you thinkI'm a narcissist?
Why, specifically, do you thinkI'm manipulative?
Why, specifically, do you thinkI'm mean and nasty?
Like?
What is the source of this?
(28:49):
Where is this really comingfrom?
What do you really think aboutme?
What do you really think aboutyour partner?
Identifying the source is reallygoing to help you understand if
this coming from, you're nottrying to repeat a past
experience that you've had,meaning you've been in a
previous relationship.
You feel like it's going backto that same pattern and you're
trying not to repeat it, soyou're calling it out, or is
(29:11):
this a realm of like?
This is what I really thinkabout you, because for me, even
if a person apologizes andthey're like oh, I didn't really
mean that, but I still want toknow well, why did you
specifically say that?
Like Like, oh, I didn't reallymean that, but I still want to
know.
Well, why did you specificallysay that?
Like what is it that I did thatmade you feel like that was the
truth?
Because it matters to me,because at some point you
believed it enough to say it,and that's the thing about word
(29:32):
curses you believe it enough tosay it and there's a reason for
that.
And the next thing is you haveto challenge the negative
beliefs that those words havecaused to you.
You have to challenge them.
If your partner says you're apiece of crap, or your partner
says you're selfish or you'rewhatever, this is where your own
self-worth and self-confidencecomes into play, and this is so
(29:56):
important.
If you don't have this, ifthat's something that you know
that you need to work on, thenwe can work on that together.
Go to the link in the shownotes.
We can have counseling sessionsto really work on that, because
when you're honestly, whenyou're in a PMDD relationship,
your self-worth can slip ifyou're not cognitive of it, like
.
So you kind of need to be inthis place of consistently
(30:18):
working on it, because for medon't be like me I let my
self-worth slip and I didn'teven know it by the time that I
figured it, that my self-worthwas going down the drain and the
garbage and the trash becauseof the relationship, because of
aspects of my relationship.
It's been over a year and I'mstill working on it.
(30:39):
I'm still working on rebuildingit.
And so you get to this place.
Where had I known this before?
That my self-worth was on theline.
And if you're in a PMVDrelationship, your self-worth is
on the line.
You need to be very well awareof the slips and what that looks
like and you need to challengeit.
You need to be so secure in whoyou are, so confident and
(31:01):
secure in who you are, and notfake positivity, not fake
confidence, not like, oh, I'mnot based off of external things
, like I have this money in thebank or I have this car.
I don't care about that.
I'm talking about what do youreally believe about yourself?
Who do you really believe thatyou are at the core?
Because that's going to helpyou challenge the negative word
curses that are being spokenover you.
(31:22):
If I had not let my self-worthslip, then when those negative
words were said to me, I wouldhave been like, no, I'm not I.
And when those negative wordswere said to me, I would have
been like, no, I'm not, I'm notselfish, I'm not manipulative,
I'm not this, I'm not that Like.
I would have been able tocognitively cancel it out.
Because that's what you need todo in order for a word curse to
not stick.
You need to cancel it out byspeaking the truth of who you
(31:45):
are, and that's the next thing.
You need to speak life intoyour relationship, not death.
Speaking death into yourrelationship is saying, oh, we
need to break up, we're notcompatible.
I don't want to be with you.
Maybe I shouldn't be with you.
Maybe I should be with adifferent PMDD partner.
I need to be with a supportivePMDD partner.
Look at you.
You can't even show up for me.
You're speaking death.
You're like the grim reaper ofyour PMDD relationship.
(32:07):
You're like this relationshipis dying.
I'm calling it out, it's dying,it's dead.
Blah, blah, blah.
So you're making your partnerfeel horrible about the
relationship.
The more you're speaking it,you're feeling horrible about
the relationship.
You're releasing the hope andyou're doing the exact opposite.
(32:28):
If you're trying to break a wordcurse, if a lot of negative
things have been spoken overyour relationship, you need to
start.
You need to reverse it.
You need to reverse engineer itand start speaking life and say
we're going stronger together.
Yes, we had a rough patch.
Yes, we had a rough couple ofyears.
Yes, we had a rough couple ofmonths, but we're going to be
better because of it.
I'm so grateful for you.
(32:49):
I'm so grateful for you.
I'm so grateful that we wentthrough that journey, not
regretting it, but saying I'm sograteful that we went through
that journey because we're goingto be so much stronger because
of it.
And guess what, if we couldhandle this, then we could
handle anything.
You're going to allow yourtriggers and your struggles to
make you stronger, make youbetter and not bitter.
So that's the way that you'rebreaking that word curse.
(33:10):
You're not denying the factthat maybe a couple months ago
your relationship sucked, maybelast month your relationship
sucked.
This is what happens with myprivate clients.
We work together and I know theurge is like oh, dr Rose, we've
worked on this before, we'vedone this before.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Nothing's going to work.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stopit.
Stop putting those word curses.
(33:31):
I don't even want you speakingthat way on private sessions
with me because I don't want youspeaking word curses over the
work.
Because if you're already cominginto it saying that it's not
gonna work, it's not gonna workand it's not gonna work because
the work doesn't work.
It's not gonna work because ofthe words that you're speaking
and I hope you got that.
It's not going to work becauseof the words that you're
(33:58):
speaking.
If you genuinely do not believesomething is going to work, it
won't work.
Your belief, your faith, whatyou think about something, what
you say about something, doesmatter.
So if you come into, say you'recoming into a counseling
session with me and you're likeI'm here because I really want
to make this relationship workand all these things, okay, we
have a good chance of making itwork.
If you come in with your armscrossed and you're not willing
to participate and you don'twant to hear about any tools and
you don't want to talk aboutanything, it's not going to work
(34:18):
because you're not there yet.
You're not there to where youare willing to speak life.
You're still speaking death.
And I would say, if you knowthat you're so bitter, you're so
resentful, you have so muchunforgiveness, you need to shut
your mouth, respectfully.
You need to shut your mouthbecause the words that you are
(34:42):
speaking you are going to haveto live them out and you're
going to pay for them later on.
Maybe later on you won't evenmean it anymore, but because you
put those word curses on yourrelationship, you're wondering
why?
Why is this so hard for us tomake it work?
You just said it wasn't goingto work.
Now you're surprised when itdoesn't work.
You magically want something tofeed your ego to like oh, I
(35:07):
want you to prove me wrong.
No one's proving anything.
No one's proving anything.
What you're speaking is whatyou're going to see.
That's how serious I want youto think about your words, what
you speak about yourrelationship.
You're going to see If you'd belike oh my gosh, this
relationship is miserable.
It's making me miserable.
Okay, enjoy your miserablerelationship and don't be
(35:29):
surprised when it shows up as amiserable relationship.
Why are you surprised?
You just spoke it.
Your brain, cognitively, is notgoing to create a scenario for
you that's going to go againstwhat you're saying.
It's not how it works.
Your brain is looking for adirection for it to go and the
words that you speak are the GPS.
(35:50):
So if you're saying, reallybelieve that this relationship
is going to work, your cognitivebrain is gonna help you get
there by utilizing yourreticulative activating system
and being open to all of thesedoors of opportunity to make
your relationship work.
A lot of times that's how youeven found my podcast, that's
how you found my TikTok, that'show you found my Instagram.
(36:12):
That's how you found myInstagram.
That's how you found me on anyrealm, even through word of
mouth, is because you got to theplace where you were like I
think I can make this work.
I really wish I had somethingthat can help me make this work.
A lot of times that's how a lotof you found out that you had
PMDD, when you were open tobeing curious about premenstrual
(36:32):
disorder.
Why do I have these triggers?
Why do I want to break up everymonth?
And again, all you have to dois put break up every month,
pmdd and I pop up and that's howyou found me, because you were
curious and open, not becauseyou didn't look up how to break
up with my partner.
You wouldn't have found mebecause I'm telling you how not
to break up.
So I want you to ask yourselfwhat are you really believing,
(36:54):
what do you really think aboutyour relationship, and speak on
that.
What do you really want?
Don't be so scared to say whatyou really want just because
you've been hurt in the past bybeing so hopeful about it and
then you feel like you're notgoing to get it.
So you don't want to say whatyou really want because you
think that you're not going toget it.
So you don't want to say whatyou really want because you
think that you're not going toget it.
(37:15):
Speak what you seek until yousee what you said.
Speak what you seek in yourrelationship until you see the
version of your relationshipthat you said it was going to be
Meaning.
If you want your partner to bemore supportive, you need to be
speaking to them as if they arealready a more supportive
partner.
You're not talking to them likethey're not supportive.
You're not talking to them likethey're selfish.
(37:37):
You're not talking to them likethey're mean.
You're not talking to them likethey're detached.
You're not talking to them likethat.
You're talking to them as ifthey are who you want them to be
, because when you do that,there's power in that.
When I say, speak life.
It's just the same thing thatyou would do with your kids.
(37:57):
If your kid came home fromschool and said that they failed
a math exam, you're not goingto be like, oh my gosh, you
idiot, oh my gosh, you couldn'tget it right.
No, you're going to search,you're going to dig for positive
things that you can say aboutyour child in order to make them
feel more confident when theyhave to retake the exam the next
day and that's how it is inyour PMDD relationship.
They're going to have to takethe test again the next day.
(38:18):
What are you going to do?
Are you going to discouragethem and rub it in their face
and be like, yeah, you're notsupportive, yeah, yeah, I wish
you would have handled thatsituation better.
I think it's real messed up.
Are you going to push it intheir face and make them feel
horrible about themselves, makethem feel even worse?
(38:38):
Or are you going to build themup and say, babe, thanks for
bringing it to my attention.
I know that you're trying.
I know it's hard for you.
You know I love when you dothis?
Are you going to search forthings that they do do and speak
life into them?
Or are you going to speak deathinto them and be like, yeah,
this is why I'm not with, thisis why I don't even want to be
in this relationship, because Ican't even get the support that
I need.
Oh my gosh, like who else wouldsuffer through this?
Like I can't believe you.
Like, ugh, like you're lucky,I'm with you.
(38:58):
You're speaking death into yourrelationship and a lot of times
you're doing that because youhaven't forgiven and you haven't
to forgive and you have torelease.
(39:19):
And you know forgiving is not aone-time thing.
I know this from a lot ofexperience.
If you're going to be in a PMDDrelationship, you need to be
ready to forgive daily.
And I know you're thinking toyourself like, oh my gosh, like
who wants to do that?
You're going to have to bewilling to forgive daily because
, again, what do I tell you?
The biggest triggers that arein PMDD, the bitterness,
(39:40):
resentment and the unforgiveness.
If you are not forgiving everyword curse that has been spoken
over you and your relationshipis going to stick to you and
your relationship is not goingto survive.
It's not going to survivebecause you're carrying too many
rocks in your backpack.
I just did a presentation onthis when I was teaching in San
Antonio, texas.
I was teaching at a conferenceand I was talking about every
(40:03):
single time oh, this will bereally good for you and you'll
love this Every single time.
Picture yourself you have abackpack and the backpack is
empty.
Every single time that yourpartner says a hurtful word,
you're adding a rock to thebackpack.
So imagine, over the course ofyour relationship, think about
how long you've been together,how many years, how many months,
how many days, whatever.
And every single time they saida hurtful word, you have a rock
(40:26):
in the backpack and you've notforgiven them.
Because forgiveness looks likeyou have the rocks in your
backpack.
It's getting heavy, meaningyou're paying attention to it
because you're carrying itaround with you.
So eventually you get to apoint where you're like, oh my
gosh, this is so heavy, I needto get some of this heaviness
off of me.
I don't think I could keepgoing with all this heaviness.
It's like okay, and then youcome to me with the heaviness.
(40:49):
You're like we're burnt out,we're on the brink of a breakup.
I don't even know if you know.
I don't know if we can evenhandle another day, another
month, another year, like Idon't know if this relationship
is going to work.
So you're coming to me.
Both of you have your backpacksthat are full of rocks, which
are hurtful words, word cursesthat are spoken over your
(41:10):
relationship.
The reason why I say they'reword curses is because you're
carrying them with you in yourrelationship.
Wherever you go, these wordcurses are following you.
So you're wondering why,despite your actions, that the
relationship still feels heavy.
It still feels heavy becausethose word curses are still on
your back.
(41:30):
They're still there.
So, regardless if your partneracts perfectly now, if they
speak perfectly now, it doesn'ttake the rocks out of your
backpack.
You get up every morning and putthe backpack on, and one thing
that you really need torecognize is actions don't make
the words go away.
So you can't.
You know how they have thatphrase.
You can't outwork a bad diet.
(41:51):
You can't out action, hurtfulwords, you can't.
You know how they have thatphrase.
You can't outwork a bad diet.
You can't out action, hurtfulwords.
You can't do a whole bunch ofgood deeds and be nice and
supportive and all this andthink that it's going to take
away the hurtful words.
No, the words are still there.
They're still there.
And so what happens?
When you come to me and you'resaying we have issues with this,
we have issues with that, I getto the root of it.
And the root of it a lot oftimes are the words that the
word curses that are spoken overyour relationship, and the way
(42:13):
to take a rock out of thebackpack has to be one by one.
This is why the work that we dois so important, and it's not a
one-stop shop, because a lot ofyou are coming to me with years
full of rocks in your backpackand you're thinking one 90
minute session is just going tocure the whole thing.
No, it's not.
It's not.
I would not, I would never,never tell you that.
(42:40):
So if you're coming to workwith me, you need to be
committed to working with meconsistently, because a lot of
times if you start working withme and then you go back and you
stop working with me, theprogress that we made it kind of
goes, it kind of reverses alittle bit.
It's kind of like we need toempty your backpack and that
takes time.
And that's why I say it's mytrauma transformational tools,
because trauma is deeply rooted,because sometimes a rock that
(43:03):
is a word curse that is in yourbackpack.
Although you're carrying it inyour relationship, it's not even
about your relationship.
It didn't even stem from there.
A lot of it stemmed fromchildhood or previous
relationships.
But until you empty that rockfrom your backpack, you're going
to be carrying it into anyrelationship that you're with.
So if you're thinking, oh, I'mnot going to be with this
(43:24):
partner, I'm going to be withsomebody else, you're going to
have the same rocks and it'sgoing to feel heavy again.
It may initially feel lighterbecause you're like, oh, I'm
with a new person.
When it wears off, it's goingto be heavy again.
You are going to be the commondenominator and this is the
partner that has PMDD anddoesn't.
And so what it looks like whenyou take one rock out we really
uncover the rock we recognize.
Is this word curse that hasbeen spoken over you or your
(43:46):
relationship?
Is this from childhood or is itfrom this relationship?
If it's from this relationship,what can we do to heal it?
You can't heal what you don'treveal and we do it one rock at
a time until you forgive andthen we release it and then
you'll feel lighter.
But for a lot of times, the workis not done with that one rock.
It's never when you get to thepoint where you've gone off on
(44:09):
PMDD rage and you've done it.
It's never about one hurtfulword that your partner has
spoken.
It's not a one-time thing Like,oh my gosh, my partner said
this hurtful word.
It's something deeper and it'sbeen repetitive and you've
carried it and you've carried itand you've carried it.
(44:33):
And so what I want to let youknow as you're going through
this journey, the first stepthat you can do is really
identify the word curses.
Be mindful of your words,basically moving forward,
because think about if you'recarrying around the backpack,
you don't want to add to it, youdon't want to add more word
curses, and if this is somethingthat you know that you need
help with, again, we're going tobe working through this all
month.
So go join the PMDD PowerCouples Group Counseling
membership and we're going to beworking on uncovering,
(44:56):
unpacking the backpack full ofhurtful words so that you get
rid of them once and for all,because you're not supposed to
be in this relationship carryingaround this heaviness.
It's not sustainable.
You're going to burn yourselfout, especially when you have
PMDD in your luteal phase.
You don't have energy to dothat.
I burn yourself out, especiallywhen you have PMDD and you're
in your luteal phase.
You don't have energy to dothat.
(45:17):
I remember feeling so heavy.
I felt almost delusional, crazy.
I was like I don't know.
Everything feels harder.
I don't know what's going on.
I don't know how much longer Ican keep this up, because it was
so heavy.
And what I'm offering you isfreedom, lightness.
Go back to the core of whyyou're with your partner, why
you want to be in thisrelationship, who you really are
.
Get that self-worth back.
(45:38):
It's a journey, but the firststep is to stop putting more
rocks in your backpack.
Don't put rocks in yourpartner's backpack.
Don't accept any more rocksthan yours.
And again, if that's somethingthat you know that you need help
with, go to the link in theshow notes, go to
inlovewithpmddcom.
And until next time we got this.
I love you.
So today I want to talk to you about one of the
things that keeps you stuck andsuffering in your PMDD
relationship, and this is wordcurses.
So previously I've spoken onthis and I've called it hurtful
words as being something that isreally in your PMDD
relationship.
When you get into your lutealphase and you get into these
(00:23):
fights and you get into thesearguments, there are hurtful
words that are said and it keepsyou stuck, and the reason why
it keeps you stuck is becausePMDD grabs hold to everything
that you're saying, regardlessof whether you mean it or not.
Later on, those words stick,and so what I've been seeing a
lot in my practice is that youknow, clients are telling me
(00:45):
that, even though their partnerhas apologized, they're still
thinking about the hurtful wordsthat have been spoken to them
and the nasty words that havebeen said and that the you know,
even just saying that you wantto break up, and I think so many
times we get desensitized tothese hurtful words and we don't
recognize the impact that theyreally have on us in a PMDD
(01:08):
relationship.
That's how I noticed that itwas a word curse, meaning
something that's spoken over youand it's carried with you day
after day, month after month,year after year, and you're
still thinking about what wassaid and it's so deeply rooted
and it causes you to not be ableto move on in your PMDD
relationship because even ifyour partner hasn't said it in a
month, they haven't said it ina week, they haven't said it in
(01:30):
two months, they haven't said itin a year, you're still holding
onto it and it's because it's aword curse.
And so a lot of times we're notrecognizing what they are and I
know it sounds like reallywitchy, but word curses are
really.
They're just negative, harmfulstatements.
They're spoken over therelationship.
They're saying we are notcompatible, we shouldn't be
together, we should break up.
(01:51):
This is a statement that you'remaking and subconsciously your
brain doesn't know that youdon't mean it.
At the time that you're just inyour luteal phase, that you
guys are just stressed andhaving an argument, it's taking
it as it's true.
So when things start to happenin your relationship and you're
wondering why you can't moveforward and why you keep
thinking about it, it's becauseyou place that word curse over
your relationship.
(02:11):
And so what I'm going to dotoday is I'm going to help you
break that word curse over yourPMDD relationship, because I'm
all about freedom.
I'm all about not being stuckand not just, like I said
earlier, not just talking aboutthe hurtful words that were said
again and again and again andre-traumatizing yourself by
talking about them.
We're going to break them today.
(02:32):
We're going to break free sothat you can get out of the
realm of keep thinking aboutwhat your partner said.
Did they really mean that?
Because I think that's a lot oftimes.
That's where the hurtful part is, because even if it's said in
anger, there's a part of youthat believes that they meant it
.
There's a part of you that islike you know what?
Maybe I am manipulative, maybeI am a narcissist, maybe we're
(02:54):
not compatible.
And so when you get in yourfollicular days and you're
saying things clearly and youguys are talking all lovingly
and you're saying all these niceand amazing things, your
partner is almost to the pointwhere they can't believe you,
because it's like how can yousay these wonderful things about
me and then, on the flip side,you say these nasty things about
me?
I've been in relationships somany times that have been like
(03:15):
that, where I didn't know.
I did feel a little bitmanipulated because I'm like you
just called me all these names,you just said all these nasty
things about me, you attacked mycharacter.
And then the next thing I know,when I'm back, acting, loving,
then you're like oh, I love you,you're so amazing and I'm like
I don't know which one is trueLike do you believe that I'm a
piece of crap or do you believethat I'm amazing?
(03:37):
And so it causes you to likekind of stifle your partner from
even saying and doing lovingthings, because you start to not
trust the things that yourpartner is saying, because it's
so.
It can go so the opposite, andthis can be for both partners.
You know when, when I'm in myfollicular days, I was so vocal
about how I could see so clearlythe things that I loved about
(04:00):
my partner, and I would be sovocal and say, oh my gosh,
you're such, you're such anamazing partner because of this,
this and this, and I can listout a million reasons why
they're amazing.
And then I would go into myluteal phase and see a list of
reasons why we were notcompatible, why we shouldn't be
together, all these things.
So just as strongly as I feltthat they were amazing, it's
just as strongly as I had thesenegative emotions and feelings
(04:22):
and words that were spoken, andso there was a lack of trust and
it was kind of like takenlightly, like I would be, like
how come we're not gettingcloser by me saying these loving
things?
And it's just because yourpartner starts to not trust you,
they start to feel like theycan't trust anything that you're
gonna say, because as quick asyou can say I love you, I think
you're amazing the same way thatyou can be like I think you're
(04:43):
amazing the same way that youcan be like I don't think we
should be together, we shouldjust break up.
And that's a very vulnerableplace to be, because you don't
want to be put in that situationwhere the blanket is just
ripped from underneath you,where you don't know if your
partner is going to say thatthey're going to break up the
next day.
There's a lack of securitythere and so when these word
curses are on you, it reallytakes a toll in your PMDD
relationship with emotionaltriggers.
(05:04):
So the first thing is it cantrigger you.
Every single time a negativeword is spoken about you, about
the relationship, that iscausing doubt, like I don't even
know if we should be together,I don't know if we're going to
make it Like.
I remember one time an ex toldme that we were working on an
issue and I was like we reallyneed to work on this because
it's really going to make ourrelationship better if we just
(05:24):
work on this.
And they literally said to meyeah, I'm going to work on that,
but I don't know, like I don'tknow if the improvement is going
to come while I'm with you.
Like basically, I don't know ifI'm going to be with you by the
time this issue is fixed.
And that was so hurtful for mebecause it was the first time
that I had heard my partner atthe time talk like we weren't
going to be together.
I was just like what do youmean?
(05:45):
Like you don't know if thisissue is going to be fixed while
we're together.
So after that, later on, he wassaying all these nice and
loving things and I justcouldn't get past the word that
he said.
I couldn't get past the phraseof like I don't know if it's
going to get fixed while I'mwith you.
And so I want you to reallythink about because I'm going to
work with you on this.
(06:07):
You know, if you haven't joinedthe PMDD Power Couples Group
Counseling Membership.
I'm going to be basically doinglike a working group and we're
going to be working through theactual word curses that are
going on in your mind to breakthem.
This is just an overview, butif that's something that you
know that you need, you know youhave these word curses that
have been spoken.
(06:28):
You know you've had things thatyour partner has said that you
just have not been able to getover.
You need to join thatmembership so that we can work
through this specifically so Ican tailor it to your PMDD
relationship to your partner, tothe words that were actually
spoken and said.
So I'm going to put the link inthe show notes for that or you
can go to the link in my bio onInstagram Dr Rose underscore in
(06:50):
love with PMDD.
But what I want you to reallythink about is what are the
words that have been spoken toyou?
What are the things?
Because sometimes it's yourpartner has said some things and
they haven't really botheredyou as much.
But then there's some thingsthat stick and I noticed for me
things that I was insecure about, things that had been said to
(07:10):
me in regards to my childhoodtrauma.
Those were the things thatreally stuck with me because it
was confirming that bias.
It was confirming maybe I amthis way, or maybe I am hard to
love, or maybe I am all thesethings because they were tapping
into an unhealed part of me andso it was an emotional trigger
for me.
Every single time I had thesenegative words, these hurtful
words that were spoken, itintensified my feelings of shame
(07:34):
, of feeling bad about myself.
It intensified my feelings ofanger.
I felt pissed off that theywere kind of calling me out, and
then it also intensified myfeeling of not being worthy of a
relationship, because when yourpartner says negative things
about you, it's almost like whena parent says something
negative about you.
This is supposed to be theperson that's the closest person
to you.
(07:54):
So obviously, if they're sayingthis about you, it has to be
true.
They know the core of who youare.
So if they're saying thesenegative things, if they think
you're a narcissist, then you'relikely to believe your partner.
If they're saying you'remanipulative, if they're saying
you're selfish, if they're doingany of this name calling,
you're believing them becauseyou're feeling like they know me
best.
So if they're saying it, itmust be true, and so the next
(08:17):
thing it does?
It reinforces those feelings ofshame and self-doubt.
You're constantly hearingphrases that your partner is
saying to you like you'reimpossible to love when you're
in PMDD or you're impossible tolove when you're in your luteal
phase.
It can cause you to have reallylow self-esteem.
You know, I've been on thisjourney for the past year of
just rebuilding my self-worthbecause I had had so much
(08:40):
negativity spoken and positivity.
So I will say it was a balanceof the two.
I had a lot of negative wordsthat were said specifically
about me and my character, butthen I also had really positive
things.
But I don't know if you knowthis cognitively, your brain
will remember the negative morethan it remembers the positive.
That's why if you're hearingsomething negative, you almost
have to reinforce it five timescognitively, five times.
(09:03):
To reinforce one negativestatement needs five positive
statements in order to cancel itout and five positive, specific
statements, not basic.
Like I love you, you're great.
No, no, no.
It has to be very specificbecause you have to rewire your
brain to believe the positiveonce it's been told one negative
thing, and so a lot of times,the next thing that happens is
(09:26):
it creates a toxic cycle whenyou start to just get really
loose with speaking negativelywith each other.
In PMDD.
It becomes the norm in theluteal phase, like you're having
fights, you're having arguments, you're cursing, you're name
calling, you set theseboundaries of not doing it, but
then you do it anyway.
And so harsh words spoken overa period of time, it creates a
(09:50):
cycle of blame and resentmentand it pushes you and your
partner further apart, becauseyou're thinking how can you say
that you love me, how can yousay that you want to be with me?
And you're saying thesenegative things about me because
it's solidifying it in yourmind, because it's happening
every single month.
Your partner is sayingsomething negative about you and
so when they're sayingsomething positive, you're like
you really don't mean that.
Or you start to think oh,you're just saying something
(10:11):
positive because you're tryingto get something out of me.
Maybe you're just trying tohave sex tonight.
So you're saying these positivethings but you really are
annoyed with me and think I'm apiece of crap.
I really trigger you and allthese things.
But now you're saying somethingnice and you start to question
why your partner is sayingsomething nice because you're so
stuck on the negative thingsthat they've said, and so the
next thing that happens is itdestroys trust.
(10:32):
You don't trust anything thatyour partner is saying because
when the words are used tocriticize or cause you to feel
less about yourself, you don'thave any level of emotional
vulnerability where you feelsafe to be open, to be yourself
because you feel like it's goingto be criticized, cause you to
feel less about yourself.
You don't have any level ofemotional vulnerability where
you feel safe to be open, to beyourself because you feel like
it's going to be criticized.
I can't be open, I can't reallybe myself because I feel like
they're going to pick at me.
(10:53):
This is when it comes towalking on eggshells.
So if you haven't gotten myprogram, my partner has PMDD.
Now what it's talking all about?
Walking on eggshells, thereasons why you walk on
eggshells in your PMDDrelationship and when you don't
trust your partner, I will tellyou that there is a big lack of
intimacy.
I've been there before where Ididn't know what to believe.
(11:16):
I was so confused because ofthe word curses that were spoken
over me and the relationship Ididn't.
One day they wanted to be withme forever and the next day they
didn't know if we should betogether, like next day that I'm
having to prove to them reasonswhy we should be together.
And I was just like I can'tkeep up, like I had no safety,
no security.
I always felt like it was gonnabe questioned.
(11:37):
I always felt like I had toprove myself.
I had to be on my P's and Q's,as my dad used to say.
Growing up I felt like Icouldn't just be a human and
even make mistakes in and out myluteal phase, because I was
always going to be judged and Iwas always going to be put in
this corner of having to provethat we should be together,
(11:57):
having to prove that we are agood partnership, having to
prove that I do love you andcare about you and when that's
questioned because of thehurtful words, you care about
what your partner thinks aboutyou.
And I remember getting to apoint in previous relationships
where I was mad at myself.
I was like I really wish Ididn't care what my partner
(12:19):
thought about me becausebasically my self-worth, my
identity, was built in what mypartner said about me.
So if one day my partner saidyou're amazing, you're the best
thing that's ever happened to me, I would feel so good about
myself.
And then the next day if theysaid, oh my, and they're angry
and they're triggered andthey're like you're a piece of
crap, you're manipulative,you're selfish, I don't know why
(12:39):
you're like this, you need towork on yourself.
I would feel horrible aboutmyself.
So I was on this puppet stringsof like whatever my partner
felt about me dictated my moodand how I felt about myself.
And I remember saying to myselfI never want to be in that
situation again where I'm soeasily pushed and pulled,
because that's a verycodependent relationship.
(13:01):
When I was getting to the pointof rebuilding my self-worth, it
had to be that whatever Ibelieved about myself, that had
to be what mattered, not what mypartner thought, and not in a
selfish, egotistical,narcissistic way where it's like
I don't care what you thinkabout me.
It's being so solid with whoyou are as a person that even
(13:22):
when you're hearing the hurtfulwords and the word curses that
are being spoken over you andthe relationship that you're not
leaning into that becauseyou're like no, I'm an amazing
person.
But over time, if you've hadthese word curses spoken over
you, these negative, hurtfulwords, specifically if your
partner is saying the same thing, that's what makes you start to
believe it.
If they're consistently callingyou selfish, if they're
(13:43):
consistently calling you anarcissist, if they're
consistently calling youmanipulative, if they're
consistently calling you evil ormean or rude or whatever the
thing that they're consistentlycalling you or saying about you,
you're going to start tobelieve it because you're going
to be like, wow, they wouldn'tkeep saying this if it wasn't
true.
And so the next thing thathappens when you have these word
curses is you're literallymanifesting negative outcomes in
(14:05):
your relationship.
When you keep saying stuff likeour relationship won't survive
because of PMDD, subconsciouslyyou're creating that environment
.
You're creating that realityfor your life, and that's why I
always tell my private clients Idon't care if you're feeling
horrible about your PMDDrelationship.
Words have power, the thingsthat you're saying about your
relationship.
You don't understand thatyou're creating a pact.
(14:27):
You're creating a vow andsaying this is what our
relationship is.
Our relationship sucks becauseof PMDD.
Because there's PMDD like we'renot gonna survive.
When you're saying that, even iflater on you get in your
follicular days and you'refeeling amazing and you're
feeling that you can handle it,you're going to be facing a lot
of obstacles because cognitivelyyou program your brain.
Your brain doesn't know ifyou're being serious or not.
(14:49):
Your brain, when you like, saylike oh, I didn't really mean
that your brain doesn't knowthat.
Your brain knows what you'respeaking and what you're
declaring.
And words have power, thethings that you say.
Your brain is listening to youand then you have that bias
moving forward.
If you say our relationshipwon't survive because of PMDD,
or PMDD is caught, because youhave PMDD or because I have PMDD
(15:11):
, our relationship is alwaysgonna be horrible.
We have something called thereticular activating system and
what that means is your brain isgonna consistently look for
reasons to confirm the wordsthat you are saying.
So, within the reticularactivating system, if you say
that our relationship won'tsurvive because of PMDD or PMDD
because we have PMDD, ourrelationship is gonna suck.
(15:32):
It's gonna start to make youfocus on things that make your
relationship suck and are yougonna have hard times in your
relationship?
Yes, but what your brain istrying to do is it's gonna pick
out all of those negative thingsand it's gonna filter out the
positive, because guess what?
The positive doesn't lend tothat negative word curse that
you just put on it.
The negative word curse of ourrelationship won't survive
(15:54):
because of PMDD is what yourbrain is now focused on, and so
you need to be very mindful ofthe words that you're speaking
about your relationship, becauseyou can't really you can't take
it back.
That's the thing about wordcurses you cannot take it back.
You can't go back in time andsay, even if you apologize to
your partner and say, oh, I'msorry, babe, I didn't really
(16:15):
mean that, and you forgive themin the moment so that you can
enjoy the moment, but you'restill thinking about the things
that they said, you're stillquestioning whether they really
meant it, like they can't goback in time and erase it from
your memory.
Once it's said, it's said.
And I feel like we need to getto the point where we're really
(16:35):
recognizing how powerful wordsare and how we cannot take them
back and how our words cancreate our reality.
The words that we're saying,the belief that we have behind
the words, are creating ourreality and our PMDD
relationship and you need to bemindful of that.
And if you've genuinely gottento a place where you've been
(16:55):
saying stuff that you don'treally mean and then you're like
you're minimizing it, oh, youknow, I just said that because I
was in my luteal phase.
Oh, I just said that because Iwas in my luteal phase.
Oh, I just did that because Iwas on PMDD.
Oh, I just did that because Iwas triggered.
Oh, I just did that because Iwas angered, because I was angry
.
Just because you're angry, itdoesn't give you permission to
speak negatively about yourpartner or your relationship.
I'm going to repeat that Justbecause you are triggered it
(17:18):
triggered it doesn't give youpermission to talk negatively
about your relationship or yourpartner.
You can be pissed off, but alot of things that happen when
you're in the realm of beingpissed off with your partner you
need to really keep to yourself.
You really need to keep it toyourself in a way of you're
(17:38):
processing it, you're journalingit, you're having private
sessions with me.
You do not need to go to yourpartner and say these negative
things because the impact thatit's going to have on them by
saying it you're not going to beable to reverse it.
I don't care how much theypretend like it didn't bother
them, how much they pretend thatthey forgave you, they're still
thinking about it.
(17:59):
You can go have sex with them.
You can have makeup sex.
You can have an amazing like.
You can go have sex with them,you can have makeup sex, you can
have an amazing trip, you cando all these things and they're
still going to be reverting backto the negative, nasty things
that you said about them andthey're going to be like, yeah,
we had a great time, but I can'tforget the fact that they
called me a piece of crap twoweeks ago.
That's a word curse.
That is what a word curses.
It means it's stuck to you.
(18:20):
It's stuck to you.
You know how they used to say,like white on rice.
It's stuck to you becausethere's some part of you that
actually believes that.
They thought that and in somecases, maybe they thought it in
the moment and maybe they didn't, and maybe you'll never know,
but there's something in youthat is like man, that really
hurt.
It's happened with me so manytimes where I, where they you
(18:40):
know partners have said stuffand I'm I want to move on.
I want us to not be in thisplace of fighting and arguing,
but I'm still like dang, thatwas below the belt, like that
was harsh, that was mean, thatwas cruel, that was nasty.
And then when you go into PMDand you're thinking about like
being with a person, you're kindof like do I want to be with
(19:03):
someone that's willing to saynasty things about me?
I, literally I had to do that.
Am I?
Am I dating around right nowand I'll be very open and honest
with you?
That's that's.
That's not something that I'mwilling to to gamble with
anymore, because I know thepower of those word curses.
I feel like I was fightingagainst things that were said in
(19:24):
my previous relationships and Ijust tried to get over them and
I tried to not think about themand I almost tried to make them
not matter to me.
I was like I wish I could getto the point where they could
say nasty things and they notreally affect me, they not
really stick to me.
But every single time I wouldgo in my luteal phase it was
kind of like I felt stupid.
(19:44):
I literally felt stupid.
Like why would you be withsomeone who called you a piece
of crap?
Why would you be with someonewho yelled at you?
Why would you be with someonethat cursed at you?
I was beating myself up forstaying in a situation where
someone was, you know, being alittle bit verbally abusive, and
I keep downplaying it a little.
You know being a little bitverbally abusive and I keep
(20:04):
downplaying it a little bit.
I will say a little bitverbally abusive, but honestly,
yelling and cursing at a personand just because you can't
control your emotions, it'sverbally abusive.
And when it comes topremenstrual dysphoric disorder,
if that's something that youknow that you need help with,
you need to get help with that.
That's not something where youit's not sustainable.
(20:26):
Like at some point they'regoing to leave and I and I
talked to you about this onprevious episodes Like I as a
counselor, I would never advisesomeone to stay with someone
just because they have PMDD andbe like oh, they have PMDD, so
you know they're probably goingto verbally abuse you, but just
take it in stride, you know,chalk it up.
It's about no, no, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
(20:47):
no, no.
I've seen what that can do toan individual Suicidal ideations
, suicidal attempts, takingone's life because of words that
are spoken.
That's how serious.
I need you to really understandthese word curses.
You speak negatively aboutsomeone, about the relationship
(21:12):
that they care about, thatthey're devoting their life to,
and they're in the realm ofsuicidal ideations.
They're willing to take theirlife off of things that you've
said to them they're willing toattempt to take their life over
things, that you've threatenedthem.
I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna do that.
You haven't even actually donethem, but because you've spoken
about them, they're willing toend it all.
So this is why I can't playwith words.
(21:34):
This is why I can't give you aget out of jail free card.
This is why I can't give you apass on saying, oh yeah, you can
say hurtful words to yourpartner.
They're just supposed to not beso sensitive.
We are in an intimaterelationship.
Of course you're going to besensitive and I've been there.
There's no shame.
I'm not shading you.
(21:55):
I'm not saying I'm any betterthan you, because I've been in a
relationship earlier in myjourney where I told my partner
to just suck it up.
I'm like you know, I'm in PMDD.
You know, stop being sosensitive.
Like I didn't really mean that.
I've said those things and Ifelt horrible about it.
Once I understood the impact ofit, when I really understood
(22:18):
how much I hurt partners bysaying that and making them feel
like they should just takeverbal abuse and just be okay
with it because I have PMDD.
Who am I?
Who am I that I am so above youthat I can talk down to you and
then expect you to love me andcare for me and be a supportive
(22:40):
PMDD partner.
Like who are you?
Who do you think you are?
Just because you're with someonethat genuinely loves and cares
about you and you've probablygotten in your mind that they're
not going anywhere.
Like that's probably whathappened is, they said they're
going to leave.
But then you know, cognitivelyyou can actually think about it
(23:00):
and you're like if someonetreated me like this, like I
would be gone.
But then the fact that they'restill here, like they're
probably not going anywhere.
And when you get into thatlevel of pride and ego, your
behavior reflects that.
Like you know, when you're withsomeone and they're scared to
lose you and they're willing todo what it what it takes to to
be with you to make it work, andthen you know when you're with
(23:22):
someone who you can pretty muchtreat them like crap and they're
not going anywhere.
So then you stop trying to workon yourself.
You're like what's the point?
They're not going anywhere.
Like they said they're going toleave, they're not leaving.
And then you look at thebenefits and the pros and where
are they going to go.
What are they going to?
You're not trying to fix yourbehavior.
You're just pretty much annoyedat the fact that they keep
calling you out on your behavior.
(23:43):
That's the level of ego andpride that can happen when
you're in PMD.
You're like listen, yeah, Iknow you don't like this.
Yeah, I know you don't likethat.
You can leave.
You can even get as cocky as tobe like leave if you want to.
You can tell them leave if youwant to, because you know that
they're not going anywhere.
And when you're in that placeit's a very dangerous place to
be because you end up talking toyour partner like a piece of
(24:06):
crap and what happens istriggers emotional withdrawal in
the other partner.
Partners will emotionally shutdown individuals who have PMDD
and who don't.
They will shut down emotionallyto avoid communicating with you
because they know that it hurts, because they know that you can
say these hurtful words, sothey stop talking to you or it
(24:26):
gets really basic and it's veryobvious.
They only want to talk about,you know shallow things like oh,
I'm good, what's the situationwith the kids?
Where are we going for this?
Like logistical things.
When you go to try to have anintimate conversation.
They're not having it with youbecause they could let their
guard down and guess what?
Then you're going to talk tothem like crap and then they're
going to be hurt even more.
Then they're going to feelstupid for falling for it Like
(24:49):
man.
I can't believe I fell for that.
I really thought they weregoing to be nice and kind and
loving and all these things andhere I fell for it.
They don't trust them, so theyemotionally shut down to protect
themselves.
And then you're like, oh mygosh, I'm trying to be loving,
I'm trying to do this.
You know, I honestly Iunderstand the wall that
individuals can put up oncethey've been verbally abused and
(25:12):
verbally and physically abused.
When you're mixing the two andyou throw and by physically
abused I don't mean you put yourhands on them, you physically
show them acts of rage.
This could be for both of you,the ones who have PMDD and who
don't and then you're expectingthem to just get over it.
You know, when seeing yourpartner in rage whether it's a
partner that has PMDD or notit's very traumatic.
(25:34):
It's very traumatic.
I remember looking at likelooking at seeing with my own
eyes what my partner was capableof doing and it scared the crap
out of me and I was like andthis is, it's like, it's like
that movie sleeping with theenemy, like you are willing to
wreak havoc on all of thisthings Cause you're angry and
(25:57):
you're mad.
How do I know if you're notangry and mad again, that you're
not going to do something worsethan that?
The trust is not there.
So what it does is it increasesa level of anxiety and
depression.
This is what I'm dealing with alot with the partners.
So for those of you who arethinking, oh, they don't have
symptoms, yes, they do.
(26:18):
Partners have symptoms.
Biggest ones are suicidalideations, feelings of
hopelessness, anxiety anddepression Because that negative
self-talk and verbal abuse thatthey're feeling.
They're feeling hopeless,they're feeling like I don't
know what else to do in thisrelationship and so their mental
health really, really struggleswhile being in this PMDD
(26:39):
relationship.
And, yes, you can get in yourfollicular days and be all happy
and give them all the love,affection, attention, validation
that they're wanting it doesn'terase the word curses that you
have put over the relationshipand over them when you've
pointed out their flaws andyou're consistently picking at
them and saying you don't needto do this and you're doing this
and I need you to do this.
(26:59):
But then you get in yourfollicular phase and you're like
I feel so lucky to be with you.
It's like what are you talkingabout?
The other day you just told meI need to work on myself because
I'm a narcissist, and nowyou're telling me you're lucky
to be with me.
Like which one is it?
It's hard to keep up, and sowhat happens is, when you have
these work curses, it reallycreates an identity confusion,
like You're literally like whodoes this person really think I
(27:22):
am?
Who does my partner reallythink I am?
Am I this crazy person doingPMDD and I'm crazy doing my
luteal and I'm a maniac and I'ma psycho and I'm this and this
and this?
Or am I this loving partnerthat gives them everything that
they need and they love andadore me, or is it both?
It's kind of like is itpossible for them to feel both
ways about me?
Because you feel like you wantto believe.
(27:45):
When they're saying the goodthings, you want to believe them
, but then the word curse isthere.
So it's like going over whatyour partner said negatively and
it's like I don't know.
I don't know if I can believethe positive things that are
said.
And so what this does is itcreates you to feel defeated and
disconnected, because you can'treally trust what your partner
(28:07):
is saying.
You can't really trust whatthey're telling you because it
could easily change.
And so I'm going to talk to youabout some ways that you can
break the word curses in yourPMDD relationship, and again,
you have to break it.
You have to break it, and thefirst thing is identify the
(28:28):
source.
Where is this coming from?
Why?
Because you know there'scriticism, but it could be.
You could say anything that'shurtful.
Why, specifically, am I selfish?
Why, specifically, do you thinkI'm a narcissist?
Why, specifically, do you thinkI'm manipulative?
Why, specifically, do you thinkI'm mean and nasty?
Like?
What is the source of this?
(28:49):
Where is this really comingfrom?
What do you really think aboutme?
What do you really think aboutyour partner?
Identifying the source is reallygoing to help you understand if
this coming from, you're nottrying to repeat a past
experience that you've had,meaning you've been in a
previous relationship.
You feel like it's going backto that same pattern and you're
trying not to repeat it, soyou're calling it out, or is
(29:11):
this a realm of like?
This is what I really thinkabout you, because for me, even
if a person apologizes andthey're like oh, I didn't really
mean that, but I still want toknow well, why did you
specifically say that?
Like Like, oh, I didn't reallymean that, but I still want to
know.
Well, why did you specificallysay that?
Like what is it that I did thatmade you feel like that was the
truth?
Because it matters to me,because at some point you
believed it enough to say it,and that's the thing about word
(29:32):
curses you believe it enough tosay it and there's a reason for
that.
And the next thing is you haveto challenge the negative
beliefs that those words havecaused to you.
You have to challenge them.
If your partner says you're apiece of crap, or your partner
says you're selfish or you'rewhatever, this is where your own
self-worth and self-confidencecomes into play, and this is so
(29:56):
important.
If you don't have this, ifthat's something that you know
that you need to work on, thenwe can work on that together.
Go to the link in the shownotes.
We can have counseling sessionsto really work on that, because
when you're honestly, whenyou're in a PMDD relationship,
your self-worth can slip ifyou're not cognitive of it, like
.
So you kind of need to be inthis place of consistently
(30:18):
working on it, because for medon't be like me I let my
self-worth slip and I didn'teven know it by the time that I
figured it, that my self-worthwas going down the drain and the
garbage and the trash becauseof the relationship, because of
aspects of my relationship.
It's been over a year and I'mstill working on it.
(30:39):
I'm still working on rebuildingit.
And so you get to this place.
Where had I known this before?
That my self-worth was on theline.
And if you're in a PMVDrelationship, your self-worth is
on the line.
You need to be very well awareof the slips and what that looks
like and you need to challengeit.
You need to be so secure in whoyou are, so confident and
(31:01):
secure in who you are, and notfake positivity, not fake
confidence, not like, oh, I'mnot based off of external things
, like I have this money in thebank or I have this car.
I don't care about that.
I'm talking about what do youreally believe about yourself?
Who do you really believe thatyou are at the core?
Because that's going to helpyou challenge the negative word
curses that are being spokenover you.
(31:22):
If I had not let my self-worthslip, then when those negative
words were said to me, I wouldhave been like, no, I'm not I.
And when those negative wordswere said to me, I would have
been like, no, I'm not, I'm notselfish, I'm not manipulative,
I'm not this, I'm not that Like.
I would have been able tocognitively cancel it out.
Because that's what you need todo in order for a word curse to
not stick.
You need to cancel it out byspeaking the truth of who you
(31:45):
are, and that's the next thing.
You need to speak life intoyour relationship, not death.
Speaking death into yourrelationship is saying, oh, we
need to break up, we're notcompatible.
I don't want to be with you.
Maybe I shouldn't be with you.
Maybe I should be with adifferent PMDD partner.
I need to be with a supportivePMDD partner.
Look at you.
You can't even show up for me.
You're speaking death.
You're like the grim reaper ofyour PMDD relationship.
(32:07):
You're like this relationshipis dying.
I'm calling it out, it's dying,it's dead.
Blah, blah, blah.
So you're making your partnerfeel horrible about the
relationship.
The more you're speaking it,you're feeling horrible about
the relationship.
You're releasing the hope andyou're doing the exact opposite.
(32:28):
If you're trying to break a wordcurse, if a lot of negative
things have been spoken overyour relationship, you need to
start.
You need to reverse it.
You need to reverse engineer itand start speaking life and say
we're going stronger together.
Yes, we had a rough patch.
Yes, we had a rough couple ofyears.
Yes, we had a rough couple ofmonths, but we're going to be
better because of it.
I'm so grateful for you.
(32:49):
I'm so grateful for you.
I'm so grateful that we wentthrough that journey, not
regretting it, but saying I'm sograteful that we went through
that journey because we're goingto be so much stronger because
of it.
And guess what, if we couldhandle this, then we could
handle anything.
You're going to allow yourtriggers and your struggles to
make you stronger, make youbetter and not bitter.
So that's the way that you'rebreaking that word curse.
(33:10):
You're not denying the factthat maybe a couple months ago
your relationship sucked, maybelast month your relationship
sucked.
This is what happens with myprivate clients.
We work together and I know theurge is like oh, dr Rose, we've
worked on this before, we'vedone this before.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Nothing's going to work.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stopit.
Stop putting those word curses.
(33:31):
I don't even want you speakingthat way on private sessions
with me because I don't want youspeaking word curses over the
work.
Because if you're already cominginto it saying that it's not
gonna work, it's not gonna workand it's not gonna work because
the work doesn't work.
It's not gonna work because ofthe words that you're speaking
and I hope you got that.
It's not going to work becauseof the words that you're
(33:58):
speaking.
If you genuinely do not believesomething is going to work, it
won't work.
Your belief, your faith, whatyou think about something, what
you say about something, doesmatter.
So if you come into, say you'recoming into a counseling
session with me and you're likeI'm here because I really want
to make this relationship workand all these things, okay, we
have a good chance of making itwork.
If you come in with your armscrossed and you're not willing
to participate and you don'twant to hear about any tools and
you don't want to talk aboutanything, it's not going to work
(34:18):
because you're not there yet.
You're not there to where youare willing to speak life.
You're still speaking death.
And I would say, if you knowthat you're so bitter, you're so
resentful, you have so muchunforgiveness, you need to shut
your mouth, respectfully.
You need to shut your mouthbecause the words that you are
(34:42):
speaking you are going to haveto live them out and you're
going to pay for them later on.
Maybe later on you won't evenmean it anymore, but because you
put those word curses on yourrelationship, you're wondering
why?
Why is this so hard for us tomake it work?
You just said it wasn't goingto work.
Now you're surprised when itdoesn't work.
You magically want something tofeed your ego to like oh, I
(35:07):
want you to prove me wrong.
No one's proving anything.
No one's proving anything.
What you're speaking is whatyou're going to see.
That's how serious I want youto think about your words, what
you speak about yourrelationship.
You're going to see If you'd belike oh my gosh, this
relationship is miserable.
It's making me miserable.
Okay, enjoy your miserablerelationship and don't be
(35:29):
surprised when it shows up as amiserable relationship.
Why are you surprised?
You just spoke it.
Your brain, cognitively, is notgoing to create a scenario for
you that's going to go againstwhat you're saying.
It's not how it works.
Your brain is looking for adirection for it to go and the
words that you speak are the GPS.
(35:50):
So if you're saying, reallybelieve that this relationship
is going to work, your cognitivebrain is gonna help you get
there by utilizing yourreticulative activating system
and being open to all of thesedoors of opportunity to make
your relationship work.
A lot of times that's how youeven found my podcast, that's
how you found my TikTok, that'show you found my Instagram.
(36:12):
That's how you found myInstagram.
That's how you found me on anyrealm, even through word of
mouth, is because you got to theplace where you were like I
think I can make this work.
I really wish I had somethingthat can help me make this work.
A lot of times that's how a lotof you found out that you had
PMDD, when you were open tobeing curious about premenstrual
(36:32):
disorder.
Why do I have these triggers?
Why do I want to break up everymonth?
And again, all you have to dois put break up every month,
pmdd and I pop up and that's howyou found me, because you were
curious and open, not becauseyou didn't look up how to break
up with my partner.
You wouldn't have found mebecause I'm telling you how not
to break up.
So I want you to ask yourselfwhat are you really believing,
(36:54):
what do you really think aboutyour relationship, and speak on
that.
What do you really want?
Don't be so scared to say whatyou really want just because
you've been hurt in the past bybeing so hopeful about it and
then you feel like you're notgoing to get it.
So you don't want to say whatyou really want because you
think that you're not going toget it.
So you don't want to say whatyou really want because you
think that you're not going toget it.
(37:15):
Speak what you seek until yousee what you said.
Speak what you seek in yourrelationship until you see the
version of your relationshipthat you said it was going to be
Meaning.
If you want your partner to bemore supportive, you need to be
speaking to them as if they arealready a more supportive
partner.
You're not talking to them likethey're not supportive.
You're not talking to them likethey're selfish.
(37:37):
You're not talking to them likethey're mean.
You're not talking to them likethey're detached.
You're not talking to them likethat.
You're talking to them as ifthey are who you want them to be
, because when you do that,there's power in that.
When I say, speak life.
It's just the same thing thatyou would do with your kids.
(37:57):
If your kid came home fromschool and said that they failed
a math exam, you're not goingto be like, oh my gosh, you
idiot, oh my gosh, you couldn'tget it right.
No, you're going to search,you're going to dig for positive
things that you can say aboutyour child in order to make them
feel more confident when theyhave to retake the exam the next
day and that's how it is inyour PMDD relationship.
They're going to have to takethe test again the next day.
(38:18):
What are you going to do?
Are you going to discouragethem and rub it in their face
and be like, yeah, you're notsupportive, yeah, yeah, I wish
you would have handled thatsituation better.
I think it's real messed up.
Are you going to push it intheir face and make them feel
horrible about themselves, makethem feel even worse?
(38:38):
Or are you going to build themup and say, babe, thanks for
bringing it to my attention.
I know that you're trying.
I know it's hard for you.
You know I love when you dothis?
Are you going to search forthings that they do do and speak
life into them?
Or are you going to speak deathinto them and be like, yeah,
this is why I'm not with, thisis why I don't even want to be
in this relationship, because Ican't even get the support that
I need.
Oh my gosh, like who else wouldsuffer through this?
Like I can't believe you.
Like, ugh, like you're lucky,I'm with you.
(38:58):
You're speaking death into yourrelationship and a lot of times
you're doing that because youhaven't forgiven and you haven't
to forgive and you have torelease.
(39:19):
And you know forgiving is not aone-time thing.
I know this from a lot ofexperience.
If you're going to be in a PMDDrelationship, you need to be
ready to forgive daily.
And I know you're thinking toyourself like, oh my gosh, like
who wants to do that?
You're going to have to bewilling to forgive daily because
, again, what do I tell you?
The biggest triggers that arein PMDD, the bitterness,
(39:40):
resentment and the unforgiveness.
If you are not forgiving everyword curse that has been spoken
over you and your relationshipis going to stick to you and
your relationship is not goingto survive.
It's not going to survivebecause you're carrying too many
rocks in your backpack.
I just did a presentation onthis when I was teaching in San
Antonio, texas.
I was teaching at a conferenceand I was talking about every
(40:03):
single time oh, this will bereally good for you and you'll
love this Every single time.
Picture yourself you have abackpack and the backpack is
empty.
Every single time that yourpartner says a hurtful word,
you're adding a rock to thebackpack.
So imagine, over the course ofyour relationship, think about
how long you've been together,how many years, how many months,
how many days, whatever.
And every single time they saida hurtful word, you have a rock
(40:26):
in the backpack and you've notforgiven them.
Because forgiveness looks likeyou have the rocks in your
backpack.
It's getting heavy, meaningyou're paying attention to it
because you're carrying itaround with you.
So eventually you get to apoint where you're like, oh my
gosh, this is so heavy, I needto get some of this heaviness
off of me.
I don't think I could keepgoing with all this heaviness.
It's like okay, and then youcome to me with the heaviness.
(40:49):
You're like we're burnt out,we're on the brink of a breakup.
I don't even know if you know.
I don't know if we can evenhandle another day, another
month, another year, like Idon't know if this relationship
is going to work.
So you're coming to me.
Both of you have your backpacksthat are full of rocks, which
are hurtful words, word cursesthat are spoken over your
(41:10):
relationship.
The reason why I say they'reword curses is because you're
carrying them with you in yourrelationship.
Wherever you go, these wordcurses are following you.
So you're wondering why,despite your actions, that the
relationship still feels heavy.
It still feels heavy becausethose word curses are still on
your back.
(41:30):
They're still there.
So, regardless if your partneracts perfectly now, if they
speak perfectly now, it doesn'ttake the rocks out of your
backpack.
You get up every morning and putthe backpack on, and one thing
that you really need torecognize is actions don't make
the words go away.
So you can't.
You know how they have thatphrase.
You can't outwork a bad diet.
(41:51):
You can't out action, hurtfulwords, you can't.
You know how they have thatphrase.
You can't outwork a bad diet.
You can't out action, hurtfulwords.
You can't do a whole bunch ofgood deeds and be nice and
supportive and all this andthink that it's going to take
away the hurtful words.
No, the words are still there.
They're still there.
And so what happens?
When you come to me and you'resaying we have issues with this,
we have issues with that, I getto the root of it.
And the root of it a lot oftimes are the words that the
word curses that are spoken overyour relationship, and the way
(42:13):
to take a rock out of thebackpack has to be one by one.
This is why the work that we dois so important, and it's not a
one-stop shop, because a lot ofyou are coming to me with years
full of rocks in your backpackand you're thinking one 90
minute session is just going tocure the whole thing.
No, it's not.
It's not.
I would not, I would never,never tell you that.
(42:40):
So if you're coming to workwith me, you need to be
committed to working with meconsistently, because a lot of
times if you start working withme and then you go back and you
stop working with me, theprogress that we made it kind of
goes, it kind of reverses alittle bit.
It's kind of like we need toempty your backpack and that
takes time.
And that's why I say it's mytrauma transformational tools,
because trauma is deeply rooted,because sometimes a rock that
(43:03):
is a word curse that is in yourbackpack.
Although you're carrying it inyour relationship, it's not even
about your relationship.
It didn't even stem from there.
A lot of it stemmed fromchildhood or previous
relationships.
But until you empty that rockfrom your backpack, you're going
to be carrying it into anyrelationship that you're with.
So if you're thinking, oh, I'mnot going to be with this
(43:24):
partner, I'm going to be withsomebody else, you're going to
have the same rocks and it'sgoing to feel heavy again.
It may initially feel lighterbecause you're like, oh, I'm
with a new person.
When it wears off, it's goingto be heavy again.
You are going to be the commondenominator and this is the
partner that has PMDD anddoesn't.
And so what it looks like whenyou take one rock out we really
uncover the rock we recognize.
Is this word curse that hasbeen spoken over you or your
(43:46):
relationship?
Is this from childhood or is itfrom this relationship?
If it's from this relationship,what can we do to heal it?
You can't heal what you don'treveal and we do it one rock at
a time until you forgive andthen we release it and then
you'll feel lighter.
But for a lot of times, the workis not done with that one rock.
It's never when you get to thepoint where you've gone off on
(44:09):
PMDD rage and you've done it.
It's never about one hurtfulword that your partner has
spoken.
It's not a one-time thing Like,oh my gosh, my partner said
this hurtful word.
It's something deeper and it'sbeen repetitive and you've
carried it and you've carried itand you've carried it.
(44:33):
And so what I want to let youknow as you're going through
this journey, the first stepthat you can do is really
identify the word curses.
Be mindful of your words,basically moving forward,
because think about if you'recarrying around the backpack,
you don't want to add to it, youdon't want to add more word
curses, and if this is somethingthat you know that you need
help with, again, we're going tobe working through this all
month.
So go join the PMDD PowerCouples Group Counseling
membership and we're going to beworking on uncovering,
(44:56):
unpacking the backpack full ofhurtful words so that you get
rid of them once and for all,because you're not supposed to
be in this relationship carryingaround this heaviness.
It's not sustainable.
You're going to burn yourselfout, especially when you have
PMDD in your luteal phase.
You don't have energy to dothat.
I burn yourself out, especiallywhen you have PMDD and you're
in your luteal phase.
You don't have energy to dothat.
(45:17):
I remember feeling so heavy.
I felt almost delusional, crazy.
I was like I don't know.
Everything feels harder.
I don't know what's going on.
I don't know how much longer Ican keep this up, because it was
so heavy.
And what I'm offering you isfreedom, lightness.
Go back to the core of whyyou're with your partner, why
you want to be in thisrelationship, who you really are
.
Get that self-worth back.
(45:38):
It's a journey, but the firststep is to stop putting more
rocks in your backpack.
Don't put rocks in yourpartner's backpack.
Don't accept any more rocksthan yours.
And again, if that's somethingthat you know that you need help
with, go to the link in theshow notes, go to
inlovewithpmddcom.
And until next time we got this.
I love you.
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