February 28, 2025 • 42 mins
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Discover how pride and ego can drastically impact relationships during the tumultuous phases of premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). This episode dives into the complex interplay between emotions, ego-driven behaviors, and relationship dynamics. Real-life anecdotes illustrate how small conflicts can spiral into significant battles fueled by the need to assert oneself. We analyze the roots of these moments, revealing how past traumas can manifest in present relationships, particularly during PMDD episodes when emotions run high.
As we explore the necessity of self-reflection, we emphasize cultivating open communication, understanding each partner's experiences, and advocating for validation without defensiveness. Listeners will uncover practical strategies to promote harmony and connection, allowing love to flourish even amid challenges. Whether navigating mood shifts due to PMDD or addressing deeper emotional scars, cultivating compassion towards oneself and each other's struggles is crucial in sustaining a loving relationship. Join us in this insightful exploration of how to reframe ego-driven conflicts into opportunities for growth and unity.
Connect with us to learn more about our PMDD Power Couples Membership, where we'll provide essential tools and support to help you take your relationship back from the grips of PMDD, ensuring that love triumphs over pride.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
So today I want to talk to you about two of the
things that have destroyed themajority of PMDD relationships.
And I want to have thisconversation because there are
distinctly two things thathappen when we go into PMDD, and
these two things have reallydestroyed a lot of relationships
(00:21):
because they have made you feellike, when you're in those
moments of premenstrualdysphoric disorder and you're
experiencing the rage and you'reexperiencing the frustration,
this thing actually makes youfeel justified.
So it's very convincing.
And so these are the pride andthe ego, and I've been in so
(00:41):
many relationships where thishas literally destroyed us
because the pride and the egohave been there.
There's been a lot of argumentsand fights where one person
doesn't want to go and apologize, one person doesn't want to say
that they have thejustification to shut down and
(01:04):
to not communicate and to lashout and to just do a lot of
damage in your PMDD relationship.
And I've been there.
I've been there on both ends ofthe spectrum.
I know for me, a lot of timesthe pride and the ego really
came in when I knew that I wasright about a specific topic, or
right according to what Ibelieve, and what I mean by that
(01:25):
is there's a lot of times whereyou can really believe that
you're right, but your partneralso believes that they're right
, and so it's kind of like wheredo you go from there?
There's this instance whereyou're thinking one way, they're
thinking another way.
You're not going to be in thisplace of agreeing with them.
So instead of just agreeing todisagree, as they always say,
(01:46):
which is way easier, way, wayeasier said than done you get to
this point where you'reliterally fighting your partner
to prove a point, and you wantto prove a point so bad that
you're willing to withholdattention, validation, affection
, all of these things just toprove that I'm the one that's
right, because what I'm sayingis how it needs to be and the
(02:09):
changes that need to be made arethe changes that need to be
made.
And so what they can do is theycan silently sabotage your PMDD
relationship.
So what it's going to do isturn minor conflicts into really
big battles, really big thingsin your PMDD relationship.
And I remember one time we werefighting over something so
(02:30):
simple.
I had an ex and I was in PMDDand I asked him to go.
We were laying in bed and Isaid hey, can you go get me a
drink from the kitchen and welive like an upstairs,
downstairs place.
And he was like well, I thinkyou should get the drink, like
I'm always doing this.
And I and he was like well, Ithink you should get the drink,
like I'm always doing this andI'm always doing that, like I
think you should go get thedrink.
And then I was like I couldhave literally gotten up and
(02:54):
gone to get the drink because weboth wanted one.
And it was like we were in bedand I remember saying to myself
I'm not gonna give in, like I'mnot gonna be the one to get the
drink, like you need to get thedrink.
So do you know that weliterally went the whole night.
We ended up going to sleep, madat each other.
And I woke up the next morningand I was like wait, so nobody
(03:15):
got up to get the drink.
This was an instance where bothof our pride, both of our egos,
were in that place of notwilling to do something for the
other person because we feltlike the other person should do
it for us.
And that really meant to methat there's a deeper issue.
It wasn't about the drink.
And a lot of times when you getinto these situations where
you're really fighting aboutsomething that's really really
(03:37):
small.
Specifically during the lutealphase, when you're in PMDD, it's
never really about the thingthat you're fighting about.
It's never really the thingthat you're not on the same page
with.
It is this deeper belief thatyou have that you're doing more
than the other partner thatyou're feeling not understood,
that you're feeling notappreciated and it's causing you
(03:59):
to not want to put forth effortin a specific area, and what
that does is it steals yourpeace.
And the thing that I can tellyou that I've learned from over
19 years of suffering withpremenstrual dysphoric disorder
is peace is my highest form ofcurrency.
Peace of mind is my highestform of currency.
Meaning, if I'm going to begiving away my peace, if I'm
(04:22):
going to be in this situationand it's going to cost me my
peace, I literally wave thewhite flag and you say, well,
you peace.
If I'm going to be in thissituation and it's going to cost
me my peace, I literally wavethe white flag and you say, well
, you know what.
I'm not doing this.
This is how I really feel.
I really feel like I've gone somany years in so many PMDD
relationships where I've seenpride and ego really rob me not
just of my peace, but ofpartners their peace of my peace
(04:45):
, but of partners their peaceBecause a lot of times you can
be right and, sleeping on thecouch, you can be right and not
having intimacy with yourpartner.
Is it more important for you tobe right or is it more
important for you to have therelationship that you desire and
deserve?
And I just gotten to this pointin my journey where it's not
worth it for me.
I have made so many mistakeswith letting pride and ego stop
(05:08):
me from doing things that Ishould have done, meaning I
could have ended a lot ofarguments, I could have ended a
lot of fights by just waving thewhite flag, and what I mean by
that is, a lot of times, beingright is not all it's cracked up
to be.
The ego loves to be right andthe ego really takes over when
you get into PMDD and it lovesto have that little voice that's
(05:29):
telling you don't let them talkto you this way and don't let
them do this, and making youfeel like you have to prove
yourself.
But it's a very lonely journeywhen you're operating within the
ego, when you're really, reallyoperating within the ego.
It is so lonely because, yes,you get a chance to be right,
yes, you get a chance to proveyour point, and you're spending
so much energy trying to get allthe facts of the situation, not
(05:52):
so you can get better, not soyou can grow together, but
you're literally getting thefacts so that you can prove
something to someone and theybecome the enemy when you're
right.
When your partner really saysto you okay, you got it, meaning
you got it.
Okay, you're right about that.
They feel horrible aboutthemselves, they don't feel good
about themselves, they don'tfeel connected to you, they
don't feel like you're on theirside.
(06:12):
So is it really worth it?
And every single time that I'vegotten to this point where I've
literally been like, yeah, I'mright, I've always been alone.
There's no one celebrating me.
My partner's not celebrating mebecause I'm right, because I
told them off, because I calledthem out in a way that's not
loving.
And you know, one of my firstpodcast episodes is call your
(06:33):
partner out.
But you need to call yourpartner out while being loving,
not for the sake of provingyourself right and saying I'm
not the one with the problem.
You're the one with the problembecause, yes, as individuals
with PMDD, a lot of times ourpartners can feel like there's
certain things that we need towork on and it can seem like
we're the only ones, like we'rethe only ones that have
something going on.
(06:54):
We're the only ones that need toget help.
We're the only ones that needto work on something.
We have a mood disorder.
If the mood is off in therelationship, it has to be
because of us.
But what I hope that you learnfrom listening to this podcast
is that as you go into yourluteal phase, as the one who's
suffering with PMDD, yourpartner has symptoms too, and
those symptoms are a reaction tobeing with someone who suffers
(07:15):
with premenstrual dysphoricdisorder.
So what that means is your moodcan be off, and then it turns
into their mood being off, andthen the mood is off between the
both of you.
So it's not just a matter of youhaving to manage your mood
because you have premenstrualdysphoric disorder.
It's if you're in a PMDDrelationship.
Both partners need to be inthis place of really working on
themselves and finding out whatreally happens when you go into
(07:38):
PMDD, what really happens whenyou both go into the luteal
phase.
What are those things that youreally really need to work on,
and a lot of times, the prideand the ego will make you feel
like there's nothing that youneed to do.
There's nothing that you needto work on.
It's all about your partnerneeds to work on things and
you're trying to fix yourpartner and you're not really
looking introspectively andsaying you know what?
I'm admitting that when we'rein the luteal phase meaning the
(08:01):
both of you that my mood shiftsas well.
So for the partners, it's amatter of admitting, letting go
of your pride, letting go ofyour ego and saying there's
things that I need to work on,there's areas of the
relationship that I really needto work on, and it is a result
of you going into your lutealphase.
So it's not just about youbecause you have premenstrual
dysphoric disorder.
(08:21):
It's like I need to do betterbeing a supportive PMDD partner,
and this is why I created thatcourse.
My partner has PMDD.
Now what it is to give theguideline for partners to really
drop their ego, drop theirpride, stop thinking that they
have to fix their PMDD partnerand really getting into this
place of understanding that justbecause you don't have PMDD
(08:42):
doesn't mean that you don't haveanything to work on in the PMDD
relationship and I know thatthat's a hard pill to swallow
because premenstrual dysphoricdisorder is not something that
either one of you signed up for.
But if you're going into arelationship with someone that
has this mood disorder, you mayfeel like I was fine in other
relationships.
I really didn't have any issues, I didn't have any problems
(09:04):
until I was with someone who hadPMDD.
Well, guess what?
Every reaction that's comingout from you being in a PMDD
relationship, it's coming out ofyou.
We cannot create moods withinyou.
So PMDD rips the blanket off ofthe true character of everyone
and it really rips the blanketoff of the things that we need
(09:24):
to work on.
And it's really a hard pill toswallow because what I noticed
for me, I'm always really calm,cool and collected and being
with a couple of my exes and Iwill say a couple of them,
they've brought out thischaracter trait that I literally
contributed to them.
I said, oh my gosh, I'm likethe nicest person ever.
I don't yell, I don't curse.
(09:45):
But I was in, I would say, twospecific relationships where I
acted completely out ofcharacter.
I mean unrecognizable cursing,yelling, throwing things,
breaking things, all of thesebehaviors that I had never
experienced in any otherrelationship and I said, oh,
it's because of this person Ihad never experienced in any
other relationship.
And I said, oh, it's because ofthis person.
And, in all honesty, I had todrop the pride and the ego and
(10:09):
recognize that everything thatcomes out of me and PMDD was
once in me.
So what is it in me that isangry?
What is it in me that's bitterand resentful?
What am I really mad about?
And I had to really do the workon myself and start to realize I
do have a lot of anger andbitterness and resentment, and a
lot of it had to do with mychildhood trauma.
(10:30):
It didn't necessarily have todo with my partner, but the
partner that I was with wasexposing some of the things that
were inside of me.
So, yes, I could have blamed mypartner for exposing those
sides of me, or I could take thesituation and say you know what
this is causing me tounderstand that this is
something that I need to work on.
And when I did this, I reallyrecognized that, as much as I
(10:54):
had forgiven my biological andmy adopted parents for a lot of
the things that they had done tome growing up as a child, a lot
of the things that I didn'tfeel like it was fair, that I
had to heal from.
I still had anger and I hadbitterness and I had resentment
from giving them chance afterchance after chance to be a good
parent, to parent me, to motherme, to father me the way that I
(11:17):
needed as a child.
And I never got that.
And I was as an adult and I wasstill needing those sides of me
to be reparented.
And instead of having thatanger and that bitterness and
resentment towards them, Iliterally had to invest and go
on a journey of reparentingmyself, and that's a whole
nother episode.
But even as I was doing that,there was a lot of bitterness
(11:40):
and resentment because I evenhad to go down that journey.
I was like, why am I investingmy time, my money, my effort
into raising myself in the waythat I should have been raised,
with the love and affection andattention and validation that I
should have had?
And I'm having to repair thisand they never apologized.
So a lot of times you have thispride and the ego because your
(12:03):
partner has never reallyapologized for things that
they've done and you've had todeal with picking up the pieces
from it.
So I want you to really thinkabout that, because for me, when
I recognized that, I had tolook back and say, okay, what
are the things?
And the three things that Ialways talk to you about are the
bitterness, the resentment andthe unforgiveness.
Those are the things that dothe most damage in PMDD
(12:27):
relationships, because theycause you to act out of
character.
Those specific characteristicsthat you can have, those
feelings and emotions that youcan have, will cause you to act
out of character and feeljustified to because you didn't
deserve to get treated like that.
You didn't deserve thattreatment, and so you feel like
I can treat you this way becauseof things that you have done to
me.
And so I really had to thinkabout what happened to me before
(12:49):
that makes me feel like it'sokay to treat my partner this
way.
What has happened, not justwithin the relationship, but
what has happened in my lifethat makes me feel like it's
okay to be bitter, it's okay tobe resentful, it's okay to be
nasty, it's okay to curse, it'sokay to yell, because if you
don't have something inside ofyou that makes you feel like
it's okay to do these things,you wouldn't do them.
So I would say, when you go offon PMDD rage and you're
(13:12):
frustrated and you'reoverwhelmed, think about where
those emotions are coming from.
And I really had to dig deepand say you know what?
I'm projecting a lot of mychildhood trauma, especially
because a lot of my exes weretriggering that.
When they started to getselfish, I started to associate
them with my biological parents.
That's what I had to recognize.
(13:34):
I'm not even yelling at you andaddressing you for who you are.
I'm addressing you from who myparents were.
I'm finally reacting as an adultin a way that I felt like I
should have in my childhood.
I was so nice and I was soloving and I was so giving and I
was all of these things and Igot ran over and I got taken
(13:56):
advantage of and when I feltmyself being in that same
position no-transcript I letthem have it, and I didn't let
them have it on behalf of theaction that they did.
I let them have it on theaction of how I felt like I
should have responded to myparents, because I felt like, oh
my gosh, I'm putting myself inthis situation again where I'm
(14:17):
allowing someone to run all overme.
I'm allowing someone to talk tome like crap, I'm allowing
someone to mistreat me and I'mnot going to stand for that
anymore, because the ego insideof me was like you deserve
better than this.
You need to let them know whoyou are.
You need to make yourself knownin a way that they're not going
to run all over you.
So you project this ego andthis pride and you're saying you
(14:39):
know what?
I'm not going to.
Let you treat me this way.
So I'm going to show you howyou're not going to treat me.
And so you act completely outof character.
And every single time that I'vedone this, I have absolutely
regretted it.
I have absolutely regrettedallowing myself to get to the
point where I disrespected mypartners because of ways that I
(15:00):
didn't handle my childhoodtrauma.
And, to be honest, it wasn'tabout me going back to my
childhood and going back to myparents and telling them all of
these things, because that'swhat I thought I was like oh, I
need to heal from this, meaningI need to go to my parents and
tell them what they should havedone.
And all this I tried that.
It didn't help.
It wasn't fulfilling.
(15:21):
It almost made me more angry.
So that's when I realized okay,the healing has to be done
within me, it doesn't need to bedone with my parents.
I don't need to reestablish arelationship with my parents and
have these conversations inorder for me to really heal from
everything that I had gonethrough.
I just need to accept that,whatever happened, the trauma
(15:41):
that happened is still in me,and PMDD and my luteal phase
literally ripped the blanket offof it.
And now this is something that Ihave to handle, and so I'm
going to go over some ways thatyour pride and your ego is
causing you to have a lot ofdamage in your PMDD relationship
, and the first way that thisshows up is refusing to
(16:03):
apologize.
So pride really makes it hardto admit when you're wrong, to
apologize.
So pride really makes it hardto admit when you're wrong, even
when you know that you've hurtyour partner, even when you know
that you've done things thatgenuinely hurt them.
Like you see your partner hurt,you see them upset, you may
even see them crying, but prideand ego will not let you
apologize to them.
It will let you refuse toapologize because it's trying to
(16:25):
convince you that they deservethe treatment that you gave them
.
It will let you refuse toapologize because it's trying to
convince you that they deservethe treatment that you gave them
.
It's like, hey, they did thatto you, they said hurtful words
to you.
Why should you apologize forsaying hurtful words back to
them?
They weren't thinking about youwhen they said hurtful words to
you, so why should you thinkabout them?
And this is what I had torealize is everything that my
partner does has everything todo with them and nothing to do
(16:47):
with me.
What I do and what I say in therelationship is a reflection of
who I am.
So I don't believe in thatstatement that a lot of people
make was like I match energy.
I don't wanna match energy,because there's a lot of mean,
nasty people in this world andif I literally walked around
matching their energy, I willliterally become the same thing
(17:10):
that I don't like in thosecharacteristics, like if someone
is yelling and cursing anddisrespecting people, and I
really don't like that behavior.
If I was to match energy andbecome just like them that's
what the ego wants me to do isspecifically in your luteal
phase.
It's like, ooh, look at the waythat they're talking to you.
Don't let them talk to you likethat, don't let them run all
(17:30):
over you.
So then you begin to act out ofcharacter and you immediately
feel guilty about it.
And so when you're getting tothis place of saying you know
what, I don't see why I shouldapologize, you overreacted.
You're almost projecting andsaying that what you did wasn't
that bad, like I don't need toapologize to you, you just need
(17:51):
to get over what I did.
Like what's the big deal?
I just said this and I justsaid that, and I had so many
partners tell that to me.
And this is why I created thisboundary when I've been going
through my healing journey, thatI will never, never, ever, ever
be with someone that feels theneed to yell and curse at me
when they're angry and they'reupset.
(18:11):
And it's not an overreaction ifI'm hurt by that.
If I'm hurt by the fact thatsomeone is yelling and cursing
in general, not even justcursing at me, that's not an
overreaction, that's my feelingsgenuinely being hurt and it's a
behavior that I genuinely don'twant in a relationship that I'm
connected with someone with.
And so I'm not overreacting bysaying this behavior needs to
(18:34):
end.
But a lot of times when youdon't want to apologize, when
your partner doesn't want toapologize for something that
will make you feel like you'reoverreacting, for the simple
fact of having emotions, offeeling hurt by the things they
said, because the ego will tellyou you don't have to apologize
to them, they just need to getover it.
Give them some time, give themsome space, shut down on them
(18:56):
all of these things andeventually they'll get to the
point where they're desensitizedto the mistreatment.
And I had gotten to this pointwhere that was the expectation.
The expectation wasn't thatthey were going to improve their
behavior, the expectation thatI was going to be so
desensitized to the things thatthey were saying and doing that
they would just no longer botherme anymore.
(19:21):
How can I be at this point ofnot being sensitive to the
things that my partner is saying?
Well, a lot of that is shuttingdown the intimacy.
The only way that I can reallyget to a point where I'm not
sensitive to the things that mypartner is saying is to not care
what my partner is saying, andthat's the good and the bad.
And I've gotten to this pointwhere I took everything that my
partner said for a grain of salt.
I got into this place whereit's like I could care less
(19:44):
whether my partner said goodthings or bad things.
I didn't care what they weresaying, because they had gotten
to such a point of disrespectingme that, in order for me to
shield myself from beingoffended by the things that they
were saying, I was alsoshielding myself from the good
things that they were saying.
So they were saying good, niceand loving things, and I took
them as a grain of salt.
I'm like who cares so what?
And so when you're getting tothat point of your partner is
(20:08):
saying all of these things andsaying that you're overreacting,
you're going to begin to shutdown and say you know what, if
you're not going to take myfeelings and my you know
emotions seriously, then don'tworry, I'll just shut down on
you.
And so a better way of dealingwith refusing to apologize and
getting rid of the ego is to sayI can see how my words hurt you
(20:37):
and that wasn't my intention.
I'm really sorry.
Let's work through thistogether, and I know that's
really hard, because your pridein your ego doesn't want you to
say none of that.
It doesn't want you to say thatyou see and validate the way
that you hurt them, because theydon't want you to admit that
you hurt them because it feelsgood to feel like you didn't do
(20:58):
anything wrong.
The ego will tell you that youdidn't do anything wrong.
They're just overreacting andthey just need to get over it.
But when you let go of thepride, when you let go of the
ego, you're saying I can see howmy words hurt you.
I'm taking myself out of theplace of being right.
I'm taking myself out of theplace of being justified.
I see how my hurtful words hurtyou and that wasn't my
(21:20):
intention.
The biggest thing that I workwith my private clients is is
your partner doing thismaliciously?
There's a lot of things thatyour partner can do to hurt your
feelings, but a lot of it isn'tmalicious.
So I always ask, before you'regetting offended is what your
partner did malicious?
Were they intentionally tryingto hurt you or were they just
saying something?
(21:40):
And then you're in your lutealphase and you're really
sensitive during that time,which is understandable, and you
just took it personally.
And you're really sensitiveduring that time, which is
understandable, and you justtook it personally.
And then you're saying I'mreally sorry, let's work through
this together.
And when I say let's workthrough this together, that
means change behavior.
That means the next time that Itell you that you're doing
something that is causing myfeelings, my emotions, to be
(22:02):
hurt, that you're willing toacknowledge it, you're willing
to change that behavior.
Not that you're saying, oh mygosh, here we go again.
Here you're being sensitivebecause you're in PMDD again.
I guess I can't say anything.
I'm just walking on eggshells.
It's like no, I'm telling youthat my feelings are genuinely
hurt because you said this.
You don't have to admit thatyou did it intentionally.
(22:26):
You don't have to admit thatyou did it maliciously.
If that's not the case, justlet me know that that's not the
case.
But the pride in the egodoesn't want you to do that.
The pride in the ego expectsthe partner to just get over it
without really letting them know.
Hey, babe, I didn't mean it bythat.
I didn't text you right backbecause I had something to do,
not because I was ignoring yourtexts, like that's what I mean.
(22:47):
Because when you're in yourluteal phase and there are
certain things like that andyou're kind of like, oh, you
didn't text me, instead of yougetting so upset, really, really
upset, by the fact that yourpartner didn't text you back,
and taking it personally.
When your partner says thatyou've done something that's
hurt their feelings and you knowthat you didn't do it
intentionally.
When your partner says thatyou've done something that's
(23:08):
hurt their feelings and you knowthat you didn't do it
intentionally, just say no, babe, I'm sorry that you took it
that way, and not in a waythat's condescending, because I
know how you can get to thatpoint.
It's like I'm sorry you feelthat way.
It's like no, babe, I'm really,really sorry that you thought
that I would intentionally dothis, but this is what's really
going on.
Explain to them the reality ofthe situation.
That helps them reallyunderstand.
I would never do anything tohurt you.
(23:30):
And the next way that the prideand the ego can get away is
you're dismissing your partner'sPMDD struggles.
Your partner, who doesn't havePMDD, may have a really hard
time when you go into yourluteal phase and you may be
saying things to them like youdon't even have PMDD symptoms.
Why are you so upset?
Why are you struggling?
You don't even have PMDDsymptoms.
Why are you so upset?
Why are you struggling?
I don't even understand whyyou're making this about you.
(23:50):
I'm the one in my luteal phase.
I'm the one with PMDD, I'm theone that's struggling.
Why are you taking everythingso personally?
So a lot of times whenindividuals are coming to me on
private sessions, they'reexpecting me to explain to their
partner why they shouldn't beupset and triggered by you going
into your luteal phase, and Inever do that.
I validate the partner'sexperience just as much as the
(24:13):
individual who has PMDD, becauseI know that they have reactions
and emotions and symptoms thathappen during the luteal phase
whether they have PMDD or not.
So the ego can make youinvalidate your partner's
experience, making you feelunsupported.
A lot of times I've had thishappen in relationships where my
partner I'd be like, oh, I'msorry, I'm like I'm in PMDD or
(24:35):
whatever, and they'll literallyask are you really in PMDD?
Almost like I would lie aboutwhat phase of my cycle that I
was in.
I'm like, yes, I'm really inPMDD.
They're like, oh, I thought youwere in PMDD last month, on the
20th, and now it's the 15th andit's like, listen, listen,
chicken nugget, I don't controlmy cycle.
But if I'm telling you that I'min PMDD, I'm in PMDD.
(24:59):
But a lot of times partners canget so annoyed with you being in
your luteal phase that they'llstart to invalidate your
experience and make it seem likeyou're just using PMDD as an
excuse to be mean and nasty tothem.
So they're not even willing togive you the benefit of the
doubt because they're so bitterand resentful over things that
you've said and done.
So they're invalidating yourexperience and they make you
feel unsupported, because it'slike you don't even trust me
(25:21):
when I'm telling you that I'm inmy luteal phase or they can say
things like it's just hormones.
You're just using PMDD as anexcuse to be mean.
I really think you really hateme, because a lot of partners do
think that.
And I will say that I've beenwith a lot of partners and I've
seen a lot of private clientswhere the partners literally
feel like the partner doesn'tlike them or love them.
(25:43):
Not just that they don't lovethem, they're like I've seen the
way she looks at me or doesn'tlook at me.
I don't even think she likes me.
And I get that because there'sa lot of resistance to connect
during PMDD, because it can seemoverstimulating, especially if
you're a really touchy-feelyperson or if your partner's love
language is physical touch, andthen you get into PMDD and then
(26:05):
all of a sudden you don't wantto touch your partner and
they'll be like Dr Rose I don'teven think that she likes me
anymore.
I don't even think she wants tobe with me.
She's being so disconnected,she's being so closed off that I
really think that she hates me,and so what you can do if you
get to this point where you'vebeen very dismissive.
(26:25):
An alternative way to talk aboutthis is I know PMDD makes
things harder for you.
I want to be here for you evenwhen it's rough, and this is for
the partner that has PMDD andthe partner that doesn't.
What I've had to do is with alot of partners when I've gotten
into my luteal phase orindividuals that I'm dating.
I have to take myself out of myown emotions and my own
suffering and recognize that.
(26:46):
I know that it's really hardwhen I go into my luteal phase.
I am not the same person in myluteal phase that I am in my
follicular phase, and I knowthat's really hard for you.
I know that you can get jealous.
I know that you can getinsecure.
I know that you can feel like Idon't like you, that I don't
love you, that I don't careabout you, that I don't want to
be with you.
I know that you can get thisway and I know that it's a
direct reflection of me being inmy luteal phase.
(27:08):
So I'm dropping the pride andthe ego and I'm not saying,
listen, I'm the one with PMDD,like you should be able to just
suck it up and deal with it.
I'm recognizing that as my moodshifts, it really impacts your
mood.
So what can I do to bestsupport you and let you know
that I do care about you, I dolike you, I do love you.
While I'm in my luteal phase andwhen you're connecting with
(27:30):
somebody, that is actually yourresponsibility.
It's not their responsibilityto adapt to you being in PMDD.
It is your responsibility toconfirm and to validate the
emotions that they're goingthrough.
So if you're the partner thathas PMDD, what you would want
your partner to say is I knowthat PMDD makes it harder for
you.
I know that you're justshutting down.
(27:50):
I know that you're doing allthese things to just survive in
PMDD.
You want to know that yourpartner really understands how
hard you're working in PMDD.
One of the biggest frustrationsis for a partner to keep telling
you that you need to work onyourself and work on yourself
and work on yourself and you'vedone so much work on yourself
and you're doing so much work onyourself, but they're really in
(28:11):
this place of not recognizinghow much you're working on
yourself and how hard you'reworking to be there for them,
because they're making it seemlike you're doing nothing when
you're really doing everythingthat you know to do, and they're
really just making it seem likeyou just need to fix yourself
Right.
And so the next thing thatpride and ego can do is just
refuse have you refused tocompromise?
(28:32):
Pride can make you insist onbeing right rather than finding
a solution together.
And when you're getting to thatpoint, yes, you can prove your
point, yes, you can be right,but you can be right and be
sleeping on the couch, you canbe right and be sleeping in
separate bedrooms, and I alwayssay I would rather have peace
than to be right.
And I, because I know what itfeels like, like I told you
(28:55):
before, it's very lonely to bealways right in PMDD
relationships.
You know I, before I became apsychologist and before I worked
in human resources and all ofmy other billion jobs, I went to
college to be a lawyer.
I went to college to be alawyer and I was used to
fighting for cases, fighting onthe case of a partner or case of
(29:24):
a client and reallyinvestigating what it is that
they wanted to prove and thengoing in on them and kind of
going in on the counsel andsaying this is why this is why
this is why this is why I shouldbe right, this is why they're
right, this is why they did thisand really defending a person's
actions to make them right.
I know that I have that in meand I know a lot of you have
that in you, because you're soengulfed and so overcome by
(29:45):
trying to find the facts of asituation, not because you
genuinely want to havecompromise and you want to get
on the same page as your partner.
You just want to prove thatyou're right.
You just want to hear from yourpartner that you're not wrong
and you're right and then youfeel like that's the prize.
I want you to get to the pointwhere you realize that peace is
the prize, not that your partneris wrong, because how, why is
(30:08):
you as their partner?
Why would you want to have yourpartner feel bad and not feel
good to you?
Is it really going to feel goodto you that your partner feels
wrong and ask yourself thatquestion.
I really had to let go of thepride and the ego and ask myself
why does my partner being wrongmake me feel so?
Right?
That's how I know I'm operatingwithin the ego, within my PMDD
(30:30):
relationship, because I was inthat place of like, yeah,
they're wrong.
And then I saw them being hurt,feeling defeated, feeling
helpless, and I didn't even feelbad about it because the pride
was taking over.
But guess what?
The pride and the ego, theydon't last that long.
At some point it's going towear off.
So you can get to this pointwhere you say why should I
change how I'm doing things?
(30:50):
This is just who I am, and Ihad a partner do this when I
said the thing about not havingnot saying hurtful words, and
they would be like I'm justcharismatic or this is just how
I am.
I always curse.
I always do this If you're inthat place of just when your
partner is telling you thatyou're doing a behavior that
genuinely hurts them and yourresponse is this is just who I
(31:12):
am.
You don't need to be in arelationship.
I genuinely believe thatbecause you're not willing to
compromise and change anythingabout yourself in order to not
hurt your partner, not even tomake the relationship better.
But if you recognize that youhave a behavior that's hurting
your partner and you're notwilling to change it, you don't
need to be in a relationship.
That's a very dangerous placeto be because you're literally
(31:33):
saying it is what it is.
I am who I am and, regardlessof what you think and feel, I'm
just going to be this specificway, and what that means is
you're willing to hurt yourpartner just because you're not
willing to change, and so abetter alternative for that is
let's find a way that this worksfor the both of us.
I don't want us to keep fightingover this.
So if I said to my partner whenyou're angry, when you're upset
(31:56):
, I don't want you to yell and Idon't want you to curse then
maybe that you need to take abreak.
When we get to that place ofgetting into these PMDD fights
and arguments, maybe you need towalk away, and that's just a
rule that we set.
Like, hey, if you don't haveany control over your emotions
when we're fighting and arguing,then at least agree to walk
away so that you don't continueto do damage.
(32:17):
That's a way of compromising.
I'm saying you know what?
I'm willing to compromise bywalking away, even when I really
really really wanna prove mypoint.
I really really really wannasay what I think is right.
And here's a lot of times youcan be right, but a lot of times
, if your partner doesn't see itthat way, understand that
you're two separate individuals,and if they don't see it that
(32:37):
way, they may never see it thatway.
Does that mean that you're notcompatible?
Does that mean that youshouldn't be together?
No, it just means that theydon't see it that way.
Everybody sees situations fromthe lens of their experience, of
their life experiences, basedoff of what they've gone through
in their life, how they wereraised, what relationships
they've had, what experiencesthat they've had in their life.
(32:59):
That's how they see situations.
So a lot of times you canexplain it and explain it and
over-explain it, andover-explain it and guess what,
they're still going to see itthe way that they see it.
So what is the alternative?
So the next thing is takingeverything personally.
When the ego takes over, everycriticism feels like an attack,
(33:21):
and then that criticism leads todefensiveness.
So you get to this place whereyou're defending yourself
because you feel criticized, youliterally feel like, oh my
goodness, my partner iscriticizing me.
Let me, if you're saying thatI'm saying hurtful words, but
what about you?
What did you do?
And so, basically, when you'rein this ego-driven mindset,
you're saying oh, so I guess I'mthe bad guy, so you're just
(33:41):
going to blame everything on me.
I guess I'm this horrible PMDDpartner.
I guess you should just be withsomebody else.
Maybe we shouldn't even do this.
And this is what leads to thePMDD monthly breakups.
So when you get to this partwhere the ego is running, the
ego is not trying to understanda better way of dealing with the
situation.
They're just throwing theirhands up in the air and saying I
(34:01):
guess everything I'm doing iswrong, everything that I'm
saying is wrong.
And so you're never gettinganywhere because your partner or
you are immediately justshutting down because you're
being controlled by the ego.
And a better way to handle thatis saying I hear that you're
upset about what happened.
Can you help me understand howI can support you better?
I hear that you're upset.
(34:22):
So the first thing always whenit comes to getting rid of the
ego is validating your partner'sexperience, understanding that
your partner is experiencingthings in a different way than
you, not because they're wrong,not because they're the bad guy,
not because of any of that.
They just see it differentlyand say you know what and I've
done this before I'm like listen, I know that you're not going
(34:42):
to see it my way.
I know that you're not going tosee it the way that I see it.
So how can we get back on thesame page, like I'm not trying
to hurt you.
I'm not trying to hurt you, I'mnot trying to hurt your
feelings, I'm not trying tominimize your feelings.
I don't.
I didn't see it as a big deal,but you know what?
That's just me.
(35:03):
My experience is my experience.
It has everything to do with meand nothing to do with you
Guess what?
But if it hurts you, if itbothers you, I'm willing to
change.
I'm willing to change the waythat I speak to you.
I'm willing to change the waythat I shut down, because I know
that it hurts you and I wouldnever want to do anything to
hurt you.
So, yes, I may have feltcompletely justified in the way
that I was responding and, yes,maybe it's something that I
wouldn't have necessarily gottenupset about.
(35:24):
But guess what?
The fact that you're upset isenough for me to change.
So the next thing is holdinggrudges.
Pride really keeps resentmentalive and keeps you in that
cycle of blame where yourpartner may be wanting to get
over something, but you'reconsistently holding a grudge.
You're letting, you're notletting it go.
You're continuously talkingabout the situation.
So you're blue in the face anda lot of times you feel like
(35:45):
that's your best way of handlingthings to just keep rehashing
what happened in the situation.
And this is why a lot of timestalk therapy doesn't really work
because all you're doing istalking about the situation.
(36:05):
And with my private clients, Inever just leave you in this
place of talking about thesituation again and again and
again, because it doesn't.
It doesn't come up with aresolution.
It gets you in this place of.
I still remember when you didthis the last time.
Why should I forgive you?
Now You're probably just goingto do it again or you didn't
listen to how much it hurt mebefore.
And so you go into this realmof referring to past things that
(36:26):
have happened in the past, andit's refueling you.
It's making you more and moreangry, especially if you're in
your luteal phase, and this ishow you get into the PMDD
monthly breakups because you'relike we've always gone through
this again and again and again.
So a better way to stop talkingabout the same situation, stop
letting the pride and the egoget in your way of getting back
on the same page and havingpeace in your PMDD relationship
(36:49):
is I don't want to hold on tothis resentment.
Let's talk about how we canmove forward together.
I don't want to prove myselfright so much that it hurts you.
How can we get on the same pageand really understanding what
we both want and need in thissituation?
Talk to me about what you needand what you're doing is you're
letting go of the pride, you'reletting go of the ego and you're
(37:09):
saying you know what?
Yes, I could prove myself right.
Yes, I can get into thissituation where everything that
I'm doing is right andeverything that you're doing is
wrong and you could actually win.
And this is what your pride andyour ego wants you to do.
It wants you to win at allcosts.
But again, it is a very lonelyjourney.
So one of the things that isreally going to help you and if
you know that you're needinghelp with letting the pride and
(37:31):
the ego take over your PMDDrelationship.
I have created the PMDD PowerCouples Group Counseling
Membership and what we're goingto be doing every single week
when we meet is anything that'sgoing on in your PMDD
relationship.
We're going to be talking aboutit in a way that you're going
to be getting on the same pagewith your partner.
This is the thing that I loveabout having these small groups
(37:52):
is that you're talking about itin a safe place where you can
literally say how you're feeling, and it's not going to turn
into a fight, it's not going toturn into an argument.
It's very solution-based.
You know me, I always give youthe tools.
I don't just tell you what'sgoing wrong in your PMPD
relationship.
I'm going to give you the toolsas to what you can do about it
so you can validate yourpartner's experience, let go of
(38:13):
the pride, let go of the ego andfinally get to this point where
you're talking about whathappened, and then you're still
on the same page.
You're like listen, I feelheard, your partner feel heard,
and then now we can come up withsolutions of how we can handle
this better, how we can makechanges and transform your
relationship moving forward.
(38:34):
I always teach trauma,transformational tools and by
transformational meaning, I'mtransforming these relationship
habits in your PMDD relationshipthat are causing damage, and
one of the biggest ways that wedo that is letting go of the
pride, letting go of the ego andgetting back on the same page.
If you've not joined themembership, it is available
right now.
We are starting our firstsessions in this month of
February.
You can go to the link in theshow notes of this episode.
(38:57):
You can also go toinlovewithpmddcom or find me on
Instagram Dr Rose underscoreinlovewithpmdd and we're going
to be going over tools on howyou can do this, because once
you begin to let go of the prideand the ego, it's a repeated
pattern.
The way that you learn thesetools is to use it again and
again and again, and one of thethings that I learned is the
best ways of really workingthrough.
(39:20):
This is one of the first timesthat I used this tool of getting
rid of the pride and the egoand seeing that, wow, we really
talked about what happened andwe're not mad at each other.
We're actually closer becauseof what we've gone through in
this discussion, and so whatPMDD Power Couples membership
does is it takes your power backfrom PMDD.
(39:40):
Pmdd takes your power away bymaking you have these nasty
fights.
That makes you feel reallydisconnected from your partner,
and what this membership does isI'm taking the power back in my
PMDD relationship and we aregoing to be a power couple, a
PMDD power couple, and it'sgoing to be us against PMDD, not
me against you, you against me,and then there's PMDD mixed in
(40:02):
the middle.
No, it is going to be usagainst PMDD.
So take your power back, getinto the PMDD power couples
group counseling membership andI will see you in there.
And until next time we got this, I love you.
So today I want to talk to you about two of the
things that have destroyed themajority of PMDD relationships.
And I want to have thisconversation because there are
distinctly two things thathappen when we go into PMDD, and
these two things have reallydestroyed a lot of relationships
(00:21):
because they have made you feellike, when you're in those
moments of premenstrualdysphoric disorder and you're
experiencing the rage and you'reexperiencing the frustration,
this thing actually makes youfeel justified.
So it's very convincing.
And so these are the pride andthe ego, and I've been in so
(00:41):
many relationships where thishas literally destroyed us
because the pride and the egohave been there.
There's been a lot of argumentsand fights where one person
doesn't want to go and apologize, one person doesn't want to say
that they have thejustification to shut down and
(01:04):
to not communicate and to lashout and to just do a lot of
damage in your PMDD relationship.
And I've been there.
I've been there on both ends ofthe spectrum.
I know for me, a lot of timesthe pride and the ego really
came in when I knew that I wasright about a specific topic, or
right according to what Ibelieve, and what I mean by that
(01:25):
is there's a lot of times whereyou can really believe that
you're right, but your partneralso believes that they're right
, and so it's kind of like wheredo you go from there?
There's this instance whereyou're thinking one way, they're
thinking another way.
You're not going to be in thisplace of agreeing with them.
So instead of just agreeing todisagree, as they always say,
(01:46):
which is way easier, way, wayeasier said than done you get to
this point where you'reliterally fighting your partner
to prove a point, and you wantto prove a point so bad that
you're willing to withholdattention, validation, affection
, all of these things just toprove that I'm the one that's
right, because what I'm sayingis how it needs to be and the
(02:09):
changes that need to be made arethe changes that need to be
made.
And so what they can do is theycan silently sabotage your PMDD
relationship.
So what it's going to do isturn minor conflicts into really
big battles, really big thingsin your PMDD relationship.
And I remember one time we werefighting over something so
(02:30):
simple.
I had an ex and I was in PMDDand I asked him to go.
We were laying in bed and Isaid hey, can you go get me a
drink from the kitchen and welive like an upstairs,
downstairs place.
And he was like well, I thinkyou should get the drink, like
I'm always doing this.
And I and he was like well, Ithink you should get the drink,
like I'm always doing this andI'm always doing that, like I
think you should go get thedrink.
And then I was like I couldhave literally gotten up and
(02:54):
gone to get the drink because weboth wanted one.
And it was like we were in bedand I remember saying to myself
I'm not gonna give in, like I'mnot gonna be the one to get the
drink, like you need to get thedrink.
So do you know that weliterally went the whole night.
We ended up going to sleep, madat each other.
And I woke up the next morningand I was like wait, so nobody
(03:15):
got up to get the drink.
This was an instance where bothof our pride, both of our egos,
were in that place of notwilling to do something for the
other person because we feltlike the other person should do
it for us.
And that really meant to methat there's a deeper issue.
It wasn't about the drink.
And a lot of times when you getinto these situations where
you're really fighting aboutsomething that's really really
(03:37):
small.
Specifically during the lutealphase, when you're in PMDD, it's
never really about the thingthat you're fighting about.
It's never really the thingthat you're not on the same page
with.
It is this deeper belief thatyou have that you're doing more
than the other partner thatyou're feeling not understood,
that you're feeling notappreciated and it's causing you
(03:59):
to not want to put forth effortin a specific area, and what
that does is it steals yourpeace.
And the thing that I can tellyou that I've learned from over
19 years of suffering withpremenstrual dysphoric disorder
is peace is my highest form ofcurrency.
Peace of mind is my highestform of currency.
Meaning, if I'm going to begiving away my peace, if I'm
(04:22):
going to be in this situationand it's going to cost me my
peace, I literally wave thewhite flag and you say, well,
you peace.
If I'm going to be in thissituation and it's going to cost
me my peace, I literally wavethe white flag and you say, well
, you know what.
I'm not doing this.
This is how I really feel.
I really feel like I've gone somany years in so many PMDD
relationships where I've seenpride and ego really rob me not
just of my peace, but ofpartners their peace of my peace
(04:45):
, but of partners their peaceBecause a lot of times you can
be right and, sleeping on thecouch, you can be right and not
having intimacy with yourpartner.
Is it more important for you tobe right or is it more
important for you to have therelationship that you desire and
deserve?
And I just gotten to this pointin my journey where it's not
worth it for me.
I have made so many mistakeswith letting pride and ego stop
(05:08):
me from doing things that Ishould have done, meaning I
could have ended a lot ofarguments, I could have ended a
lot of fights by just waving thewhite flag, and what I mean by
that is, a lot of times, beingright is not all it's cracked up
to be.
The ego loves to be right andthe ego really takes over when
you get into PMDD and it lovesto have that little voice that's
(05:29):
telling you don't let them talkto you this way and don't let
them do this, and making youfeel like you have to prove
yourself.
But it's a very lonely journeywhen you're operating within the
ego, when you're really, reallyoperating within the ego.
It is so lonely because, yes,you get a chance to be right,
yes, you get a chance to proveyour point, and you're spending
so much energy trying to get allthe facts of the situation, not
(05:52):
so you can get better, not soyou can grow together, but
you're literally getting thefacts so that you can prove
something to someone and theybecome the enemy when you're
right.
When your partner really saysto you okay, you got it, meaning
you got it.
Okay, you're right about that.
They feel horrible aboutthemselves, they don't feel good
about themselves, they don'tfeel connected to you, they
don't feel like you're on theirside.
(06:12):
So is it really worth it?
And every single time that I'vegotten to this point where I've
literally been like, yeah, I'mright, I've always been alone.
There's no one celebrating me.
My partner's not celebrating mebecause I'm right, because I
told them off, because I calledthem out in a way that's not
loving.
And you know, one of my firstpodcast episodes is call your
(06:33):
partner out.
But you need to call yourpartner out while being loving,
not for the sake of provingyourself right and saying I'm
not the one with the problem.
You're the one with the problembecause, yes, as individuals
with PMDD, a lot of times ourpartners can feel like there's
certain things that we need towork on and it can seem like
we're the only ones, like we'rethe only ones that have
something going on.
(06:54):
We're the only ones that need toget help.
We're the only ones that needto work on something.
We have a mood disorder.
If the mood is off in therelationship, it has to be
because of us.
But what I hope that you learnfrom listening to this podcast
is that as you go into yourluteal phase, as the one who's
suffering with PMDD, yourpartner has symptoms too, and
those symptoms are a reaction tobeing with someone who suffers
(07:15):
with premenstrual dysphoricdisorder.
So what that means is your moodcan be off, and then it turns
into their mood being off, andthen the mood is off between the
both of you.
So it's not just a matter of youhaving to manage your mood
because you have premenstrualdysphoric disorder.
It's if you're in a PMDDrelationship.
Both partners need to be inthis place of really working on
themselves and finding out whatreally happens when you go into
(07:38):
PMDD, what really happens whenyou both go into the luteal
phase.
What are those things that youreally really need to work on,
and a lot of times, the prideand the ego will make you feel
like there's nothing that youneed to do.
There's nothing that you needto work on.
It's all about your partnerneeds to work on things and
you're trying to fix yourpartner and you're not really
looking introspectively andsaying you know what?
I'm admitting that when we'rein the luteal phase meaning the
(08:01):
both of you that my mood shiftsas well.
So for the partners, it's amatter of admitting, letting go
of your pride, letting go ofyour ego and saying there's
things that I need to work on,there's areas of the
relationship that I really needto work on, and it is a result
of you going into your lutealphase.
So it's not just about youbecause you have premenstrual
dysphoric disorder.
(08:21):
It's like I need to do betterbeing a supportive PMDD partner,
and this is why I created thatcourse.
My partner has PMDD.
Now what it is to give theguideline for partners to really
drop their ego, drop theirpride, stop thinking that they
have to fix their PMDD partnerand really getting into this
place of understanding that justbecause you don't have PMDD
(08:42):
doesn't mean that you don't haveanything to work on in the PMDD
relationship and I know thatthat's a hard pill to swallow
because premenstrual dysphoricdisorder is not something that
either one of you signed up for.
But if you're going into arelationship with someone that
has this mood disorder, you mayfeel like I was fine in other
relationships.
I really didn't have any issues, I didn't have any problems
(09:04):
until I was with someone who hadPMDD.
Well, guess what?
Every reaction that's comingout from you being in a PMDD
relationship, it's coming out ofyou.
We cannot create moods withinyou.
So PMDD rips the blanket off ofthe true character of everyone
and it really rips the blanketoff of the things that we need
(09:24):
to work on.
And it's really a hard pill toswallow because what I noticed
for me, I'm always really calm,cool and collected and being
with a couple of my exes and Iwill say a couple of them,
they've brought out thischaracter trait that I literally
contributed to them.
I said, oh my gosh, I'm likethe nicest person ever.
I don't yell, I don't curse.
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But I was in, I would say, twospecific relationships where I
acted completely out ofcharacter.
I mean unrecognizable cursing,yelling, throwing things,
breaking things, all of thesebehaviors that I had never
experienced in any otherrelationship and I said, oh,
it's because of this person Ihad never experienced in any
other relationship.
And I said, oh, it's because ofthis person.
And, in all honesty, I had todrop the pride and the ego and
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recognize that everything thatcomes out of me and PMDD was
once in me.
So what is it in me that isangry?
What is it in me that's bitterand resentful?
What am I really mad about?
And I had to really do the workon myself and start to realize I
do have a lot of anger andbitterness and resentment, and a
lot of it had to do with mychildhood trauma.
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It didn't necessarily have todo with my partner, but the
partner that I was with wasexposing some of the things that
were inside of me.
So, yes, I could have blamed mypartner for exposing those
sides of me, or I could take thesituation and say you know what
this is causing me tounderstand that this is
something that I need to work on.
And when I did this, I reallyrecognized that, as much as I
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had forgiven my biological andmy adopted parents for a lot of
the things that they had done tome growing up as a child, a lot
of the things that I didn'tfeel like it was fair, that I
had to heal from.
I still had anger and I hadbitterness and I had resentment
from giving them chance afterchance after chance to be a good
parent, to parent me, to motherme, to father me the way that I
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needed as a child.
And I never got that.
And I was as an adult and I wasstill needing those sides of me
to be reparented.
And instead of having thatanger and that bitterness and
resentment towards them, Iliterally had to invest and go
on a journey of reparentingmyself, and that's a whole
nother episode.
But even as I was doing that,there was a lot of bitterness
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and resentment because I evenhad to go down that journey.
I was like, why am I investingmy time, my money, my effort
into raising myself in the waythat I should have been raised,
with the love and affection andattention and validation that I
should have had?
And I'm having to repair thisand they never apologized.
So a lot of times you have thispride and the ego because your
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partner has never reallyapologized for things that
they've done and you've had todeal with picking up the pieces
from it.
So I want you to really thinkabout that, because for me, when
I recognized that, I had tolook back and say, okay, what
are the things?
And the three things that Ialways talk to you about are the
bitterness, the resentment andthe unforgiveness.
Those are the things that dothe most damage in PMDD
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relationships, because theycause you to act out of
character.
Those specific characteristicsthat you can have, those
feelings and emotions that youcan have, will cause you to act
out of character and feeljustified to because you didn't
deserve to get treated like that.
You didn't deserve thattreatment, and so you feel like
I can treat you this way becauseof things that you have done to
me.
And so I really had to thinkabout what happened to me before
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that makes me feel like it'sokay to treat my partner this
way.
What has happened, not justwithin the relationship, but
what has happened in my lifethat makes me feel like it's
okay to be bitter, it's okay tobe resentful, it's okay to be
nasty, it's okay to curse, it'sokay to yell, because if you
don't have something inside ofyou that makes you feel like
it's okay to do these things,you wouldn't do them.
So I would say, when you go offon PMDD rage and you're
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frustrated and you'reoverwhelmed, think about where
those emotions are coming from.
And I really had to dig deepand say you know what?
I'm projecting a lot of mychildhood trauma, especially
because a lot of my exes weretriggering that.
When they started to getselfish, I started to associate
them with my biological parents.
That's what I had to recognize.
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I'm not even yelling at you andaddressing you for who you are.
I'm addressing you from who myparents were.
I'm finally reacting as an adultin a way that I felt like I
should have in my childhood.
I was so nice and I was soloving and I was so giving and I
was all of these things and Igot ran over and I got taken
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advantage of and when I feltmyself being in that same
position no-transcript I letthem have it, and I didn't let
them have it on behalf of theaction that they did.
I let them have it on theaction of how I felt like I
should have responded to myparents, because I felt like, oh
my gosh, I'm putting myself inthis situation again where I'm
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allowing someone to run all overme.
I'm allowing someone to talk tome like crap, I'm allowing
someone to mistreat me and I'mnot going to stand for that
anymore, because the ego insideof me was like you deserve
better than this.
You need to let them know whoyou are.
You need to make yourself knownin a way that they're not going
to run all over you.
So you project this ego andthis pride and you're saying you
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know what?
I'm not going to.
Let you treat me this way.
So I'm going to show you howyou're not going to treat me.
And so you act completely outof character.
And every single time that I'vedone this, I have absolutely
regretted it.
I have absolutely regrettedallowing myself to get to the
point where I disrespected mypartners because of ways that I
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didn't handle my childhoodtrauma.
And, to be honest, it wasn'tabout me going back to my
childhood and going back to myparents and telling them all of
these things, because that'swhat I thought I was like oh, I
need to heal from this, meaningI need to go to my parents and
tell them what they should havedone.
And all this I tried that.
It didn't help.
It wasn't fulfilling.
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It almost made me more angry.
So that's when I realized okay,the healing has to be done
within me, it doesn't need to bedone with my parents.
I don't need to reestablish arelationship with my parents and
have these conversations inorder for me to really heal from
everything that I had gonethrough.
I just need to accept that,whatever happened, the trauma
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that happened is still in me,and PMDD and my luteal phase
literally ripped the blanket offof it.
And now this is something that Ihave to handle, and so I'm
going to go over some ways thatyour pride and your ego is
causing you to have a lot ofdamage in your PMDD relationship
, and the first way that thisshows up is refusing to
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apologize.
So pride really makes it hardto admit when you're wrong, to
apologize.
So pride really makes it hardto admit when you're wrong, even
when you know that you've hurtyour partner, even when you know
that you've done things thatgenuinely hurt them.
Like you see your partner hurt,you see them upset, you may
even see them crying, but prideand ego will not let you
apologize to them.
It will let you refuse toapologize because it's trying to
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convince you that they deservethe treatment that you gave them
.
It will let you refuse toapologize because it's trying to
convince you that they deservethe treatment that you gave them
.
It's like, hey, they did thatto you, they said hurtful words
to you.
Why should you apologize forsaying hurtful words back to
them?
They weren't thinking about youwhen they said hurtful words to
you, so why should you thinkabout them?
And this is what I had torealize is everything that my
partner does has everything todo with them and nothing to do
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with me.
What I do and what I say in therelationship is a reflection of
who I am.
So I don't believe in thatstatement that a lot of people
make was like I match energy.
I don't wanna match energy,because there's a lot of mean,
nasty people in this world andif I literally walked around
matching their energy, I willliterally become the same thing
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that I don't like in thosecharacteristics, like if someone
is yelling and cursing anddisrespecting people, and I
really don't like that behavior.
If I was to match energy andbecome just like them that's
what the ego wants me to do isspecifically in your luteal
phase.
It's like, ooh, look at the waythat they're talking to you.
Don't let them talk to you likethat, don't let them run all
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over you.
So then you begin to act out ofcharacter and you immediately
feel guilty about it.
And so when you're getting tothis place of saying you know
what, I don't see why I shouldapologize, you overreacted.
You're almost projecting andsaying that what you did wasn't
that bad, like I don't need toapologize to you, you just need
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to get over what I did.
Like what's the big deal?
I just said this and I justsaid that, and I had so many
partners tell that to me.
And this is why I created thisboundary when I've been going
through my healing journey, thatI will never, never, ever, ever
be with someone that feels theneed to yell and curse at me
when they're angry and they'reupset.
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And it's not an overreaction ifI'm hurt by that.
If I'm hurt by the fact thatsomeone is yelling and cursing
in general, not even justcursing at me, that's not an
overreaction, that's my feelingsgenuinely being hurt and it's a
behavior that I genuinely don'twant in a relationship that I'm
connected with someone with.
And so I'm not overreacting bysaying this behavior needs to
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end.
But a lot of times when youdon't want to apologize, when
your partner doesn't want toapologize for something that
will make you feel like you'reoverreacting, for the simple
fact of having emotions, offeeling hurt by the things they
said, because the ego will tellyou you don't have to apologize
to them, they just need to getover it.
Give them some time, give themsome space, shut down on them
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all of these things andeventually they'll get to the
point where they're desensitizedto the mistreatment.
And I had gotten to this pointwhere that was the expectation.
The expectation wasn't thatthey were going to improve their
behavior, the expectation thatI was going to be so
desensitized to the things thatthey were saying and doing that
they would just no longer botherme anymore.
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How can I be at this point ofnot being sensitive to the
things that my partner is saying?
Well, a lot of that is shuttingdown the intimacy.
The only way that I can reallyget to a point where I'm not
sensitive to the things that mypartner is saying is to not care
what my partner is saying, andthat's the good and the bad.
And I've gotten to this pointwhere I took everything that my
partner said for a grain of salt.
I got into this place whereit's like I could care less
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whether my partner said goodthings or bad things.
I didn't care what they weresaying, because they had gotten
to such a point of disrespectingme that, in order for me to
shield myself from beingoffended by the things that they
were saying, I was alsoshielding myself from the good
things that they were saying.
So they were saying good, niceand loving things, and I took
them as a grain of salt.
I'm like who cares so what?
And so when you're getting tothat point of your partner is
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saying all of these things andsaying that you're overreacting,
you're going to begin to shutdown and say you know what, if
you're not going to take myfeelings and my you know
emotions seriously, then don'tworry, I'll just shut down on
you.
And so a better way of dealingwith refusing to apologize and
getting rid of the ego is to sayI can see how my words hurt you
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and that wasn't my intention.
I'm really sorry.
Let's work through thistogether, and I know that's
really hard, because your pridein your ego doesn't want you to
say none of that.
It doesn't want you to say thatyou see and validate the way
that you hurt them, because theydon't want you to admit that
you hurt them because it feelsgood to feel like you didn't do
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anything wrong.
The ego will tell you that youdidn't do anything wrong.
They're just overreacting andthey just need to get over it.
But when you let go of thepride, when you let go of the
ego, you're saying I can see howmy words hurt you.
I'm taking myself out of theplace of being right.
I'm taking myself out of theplace of being justified.
I see how my hurtful words hurtyou and that wasn't my
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intention.
The biggest thing that I workwith my private clients is is
your partner doing thismaliciously?
There's a lot of things thatyour partner can do to hurt your
feelings, but a lot of it isn'tmalicious.
So I always ask, before you'regetting offended is what your
partner did malicious?
Were they intentionally tryingto hurt you or were they just
saying something?
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And then you're in your lutealphase and you're really
sensitive during that time,which is understandable, and you
just took it personally.
And you're really sensitiveduring that time, which is
understandable, and you justtook it personally.
And then you're saying I'mreally sorry, let's work through
this together.
And when I say let's workthrough this together, that
means change behavior.
That means the next time that Itell you that you're doing
something that is causing myfeelings, my emotions, to be
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hurt, that you're willing toacknowledge it, you're willing
to change that behavior.
Not that you're saying, oh mygosh, here we go again.
Here you're being sensitivebecause you're in PMDD again.
I guess I can't say anything.
I'm just walking on eggshells.
It's like no, I'm telling youthat my feelings are genuinely
hurt because you said this.
You don't have to admit thatyou did it intentionally.
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You don't have to admit thatyou did it maliciously.
If that's not the case, justlet me know that that's not the
case.
But the pride in the egodoesn't want you to do that.
The pride in the ego expectsthe partner to just get over it
without really letting them know.
Hey, babe, I didn't mean it bythat.
I didn't text you right backbecause I had something to do,
not because I was ignoring yourtexts, like that's what I mean.
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Because when you're in yourluteal phase and there are
certain things like that andyou're kind of like, oh, you
didn't text me, instead of yougetting so upset, really, really
upset, by the fact that yourpartner didn't text you back,
and taking it personally.
When your partner says thatyou've done something that's
hurt their feelings and you knowthat you didn't do it
intentionally.
When your partner says thatyou've done something that's
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hurt their feelings and you knowthat you didn't do it
intentionally, just say no, babe, I'm sorry that you took it
that way, and not in a waythat's condescending, because I
know how you can get to thatpoint.
It's like I'm sorry you feelthat way.
It's like no, babe, I'm really,really sorry that you thought
that I would intentionally dothis, but this is what's really
going on.
Explain to them the reality ofthe situation.
That helps them reallyunderstand.
I would never do anything tohurt you.
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And the next way that the prideand the ego can get away is
you're dismissing your partner'sPMDD struggles.
Your partner, who doesn't havePMDD, may have a really hard
time when you go into yourluteal phase and you may be
saying things to them like youdon't even have PMDD symptoms.
Why are you so upset?
Why are you struggling?
You don't even have PMDDsymptoms.
Why are you so upset?
Why are you struggling?
I don't even understand whyyou're making this about you.
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I'm the one in my luteal phase.
I'm the one with PMDD, I'm theone that's struggling.
Why are you taking everythingso personally?
So a lot of times whenindividuals are coming to me on
private sessions, they'reexpecting me to explain to their
partner why they shouldn't beupset and triggered by you going
into your luteal phase, and Inever do that.
I validate the partner'sexperience just as much as the
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individual who has PMDD, becauseI know that they have reactions
and emotions and symptoms thathappen during the luteal phase
whether they have PMDD or not.
So the ego can make youinvalidate your partner's
experience, making you feelunsupported.
A lot of times I've had thishappen in relationships where my
partner I'd be like, oh, I'msorry, I'm like I'm in PMDD or
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whatever, and they'll literallyask are you really in PMDD?
Almost like I would lie aboutwhat phase of my cycle that I
was in.
I'm like, yes, I'm really inPMDD.
They're like, oh, I thought youwere in PMDD last month, on the
20th, and now it's the 15th andit's like, listen, listen,
chicken nugget, I don't controlmy cycle.
But if I'm telling you that I'min PMDD, I'm in PMDD.
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But a lot of times partners canget so annoyed with you being in
your luteal phase that they'llstart to invalidate your
experience and make it seem likeyou're just using PMDD as an
excuse to be mean and nasty tothem.
So they're not even willing togive you the benefit of the
doubt because they're so bitterand resentful over things that
you've said and done.
So they're invalidating yourexperience and they make you
feel unsupported, because it'slike you don't even trust me
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when I'm telling you that I'm inmy luteal phase or they can say
things like it's just hormones.
You're just using PMDD as anexcuse to be mean.
I really think you really hateme, because a lot of partners do
think that.
And I will say that I've beenwith a lot of partners and I've
seen a lot of private clientswhere the partners literally
feel like the partner doesn'tlike them or love them.
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Not just that they don't lovethem, they're like I've seen the
way she looks at me or doesn'tlook at me.
I don't even think she likes me.
And I get that because there'sa lot of resistance to connect
during PMDD, because it can seemoverstimulating, especially if
you're a really touchy-feelyperson or if your partner's love
language is physical touch, andthen you get into PMDD and then
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all of a sudden you don't wantto touch your partner and
they'll be like Dr Rose I don'teven think that she likes me
anymore.
I don't even think she wants tobe with me.
She's being so disconnected,she's being so closed off that I
really think that she hates me,and so what you can do if you
get to this point where you'vebeen very dismissive.
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An alternative way to talk aboutthis is I know PMDD makes
things harder for you.
I want to be here for you evenwhen it's rough, and this is for
the partner that has PMDD andthe partner that doesn't.
What I've had to do is with alot of partners when I've gotten
into my luteal phase orindividuals that I'm dating.
I have to take myself out of myown emotions and my own
suffering and recognize that.
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I know that it's really hardwhen I go into my luteal phase.
I am not the same person in myluteal phase that I am in my
follicular phase, and I knowthat's really hard for you.
I know that you can get jealous.
I know that you can getinsecure.
I know that you can feel like Idon't like you, that I don't
love you, that I don't careabout you, that I don't want to
be with you.
I know that you can get thisway and I know that it's a
direct reflection of me being inmy luteal phase.
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So I'm dropping the pride andthe ego and I'm not saying,
listen, I'm the one with PMDD,like you should be able to just
suck it up and deal with it.
I'm recognizing that as my moodshifts, it really impacts your
mood.
So what can I do to bestsupport you and let you know
that I do care about you, I dolike you, I do love you.
While I'm in my luteal phase andwhen you're connecting with
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somebody, that is actually yourresponsibility.
It's not their responsibilityto adapt to you being in PMDD.
It is your responsibility toconfirm and to validate the
emotions that they're goingthrough.
So if you're the partner thathas PMDD, what you would want
your partner to say is I knowthat PMDD makes it harder for
you.
I know that you're justshutting down.
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I know that you're doing allthese things to just survive in
PMDD.
You want to know that yourpartner really understands how
hard you're working in PMDD.
One of the biggest frustrationsis for a partner to keep telling
you that you need to work onyourself and work on yourself
and work on yourself and you'vedone so much work on yourself
and you're doing so much work onyourself, but they're really in
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this place of not recognizinghow much you're working on
yourself and how hard you'reworking to be there for them,
because they're making it seemlike you're doing nothing when
you're really doing everythingthat you know to do, and they're
really just making it seem likeyou just need to fix yourself
Right.
And so the next thing thatpride and ego can do is just
refuse have you refused tocompromise?
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Pride can make you insist onbeing right rather than finding
a solution together.
And when you're getting to thatpoint, yes, you can prove your
point, yes, you can be right,but you can be right and be
sleeping on the couch, you canbe right and be sleeping in
separate bedrooms, and I alwayssay I would rather have peace
than to be right.
And I, because I know what itfeels like, like I told you
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before, it's very lonely to bealways right in PMDD
relationships.
You know I, before I became apsychologist and before I worked
in human resources and all ofmy other billion jobs, I went to
college to be a lawyer.
I went to college to be alawyer and I was used to
fighting for cases, fighting onthe case of a partner or case of
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a client and reallyinvestigating what it is that
they wanted to prove and thengoing in on them and kind of
going in on the counsel andsaying this is why this is why
this is why this is why I shouldbe right, this is why they're
right, this is why they did thisand really defending a person's
actions to make them right.
I know that I have that in meand I know a lot of you have
that in you, because you're soengulfed and so overcome by
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trying to find the facts of asituation, not because you
genuinely want to havecompromise and you want to get
on the same page as your partner.
You just want to prove thatyou're right.
You just want to hear from yourpartner that you're not wrong
and you're right and then youfeel like that's the prize.
I want you to get to the pointwhere you realize that peace is
the prize, not that your partneris wrong, because how, why is
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you as their partner?
Why would you want to have yourpartner feel bad and not feel
good to you?
Is it really going to feel goodto you that your partner feels
wrong and ask yourself thatquestion.
I really had to let go of thepride and the ego and ask myself
why does my partner being wrongmake me feel so?
Right?
That's how I know I'm operatingwithin the ego, within my PMDD
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relationship, because I was inthat place of like, yeah,
they're wrong.
And then I saw them being hurt,feeling defeated, feeling
helpless, and I didn't even feelbad about it because the pride
was taking over.
But guess what?
The pride and the ego, theydon't last that long.
At some point it's going towear off.
So you can get to this pointwhere you say why should I
change how I'm doing things?
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This is just who I am, and Ihad a partner do this when I
said the thing about not havingnot saying hurtful words, and
they would be like I'm justcharismatic or this is just how
I am.
I always curse.
I always do this If you're inthat place of just when your
partner is telling you thatyou're doing a behavior that
genuinely hurts them and yourresponse is this is just who I
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am.
You don't need to be in arelationship.
I genuinely believe thatbecause you're not willing to
compromise and change anythingabout yourself in order to not
hurt your partner, not even tomake the relationship better.
But if you recognize that youhave a behavior that's hurting
your partner and you're notwilling to change it, you don't
need to be in a relationship.
That's a very dangerous placeto be because you're literally
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saying it is what it is.
I am who I am and, regardlessof what you think and feel, I'm
just going to be this specificway, and what that means is
you're willing to hurt yourpartner just because you're not
willing to change, and so abetter alternative for that is
let's find a way that this worksfor the both of us.
I don't want us to keep fightingover this.
So if I said to my partner whenyou're angry, when you're upset
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, I don't want you to yell and Idon't want you to curse then
maybe that you need to take abreak.
When we get to that place ofgetting into these PMDD fights
and arguments, maybe you need towalk away, and that's just a
rule that we set.
Like, hey, if you don't haveany control over your emotions
when we're fighting and arguing,then at least agree to walk
away so that you don't continueto do damage.
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That's a way of compromising.
I'm saying you know what?
I'm willing to compromise bywalking away, even when I really
really really wanna prove mypoint.
I really really really wannasay what I think is right.
And here's a lot of times youcan be right, but a lot of times
, if your partner doesn't see itthat way, understand that
you're two separate individuals,and if they don't see it that
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way, they may never see it thatway.
Does that mean that you're notcompatible?
Does that mean that youshouldn't be together?
No, it just means that theydon't see it that way.
Everybody sees situations fromthe lens of their experience, of
their life experiences, basedoff of what they've gone through
in their life, how they wereraised, what relationships
they've had, what experiencesthat they've had in their life.
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That's how they see situations.
So a lot of times you canexplain it and explain it and
over-explain it, andover-explain it and guess what,
they're still going to see itthe way that they see it.
So what is the alternative?
So the next thing is takingeverything personally.
When the ego takes over, everycriticism feels like an attack,
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and then that criticism leads todefensiveness.
So you get to this place whereyou're defending yourself
because you feel criticized, youliterally feel like, oh my
goodness, my partner iscriticizing me.
Let me, if you're saying thatI'm saying hurtful words, but
what about you?
What did you do?
And so, basically, when you'rein this ego-driven mindset,
you're saying oh, so I guess I'mthe bad guy, so you're just
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going to blame everything on me.
I guess I'm this horrible PMDDpartner.
I guess you should just be withsomebody else.
Maybe we shouldn't even do this.
And this is what leads to thePMDD monthly breakups.
So when you get to this partwhere the ego is running, the
ego is not trying to understanda better way of dealing with the
situation.
They're just throwing theirhands up in the air and saying I
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guess everything I'm doing iswrong, everything that I'm
saying is wrong.
And so you're never gettinganywhere because your partner or
you are immediately justshutting down because you're
being controlled by the ego.
And a better way to handle thatis saying I hear that you're
upset about what happened.
Can you help me understand howI can support you better?
I hear that you're upset.
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So the first thing always whenit comes to getting rid of the
ego is validating your partner'sexperience, understanding that
your partner is experiencingthings in a different way than
you, not because they're wrong,not because they're the bad guy,
not because of any of that.
They just see it differentlyand say you know what and I've
done this before I'm like listen, I know that you're not going
(34:42):
to see it my way.
I know that you're not going tosee it the way that I see it.
So how can we get back on thesame page, like I'm not trying
to hurt you.
I'm not trying to hurt you, I'mnot trying to hurt your
feelings, I'm not trying tominimize your feelings.
I don't.
I didn't see it as a big deal,but you know what?
That's just me.
(35:03):
My experience is my experience.
It has everything to do with meand nothing to do with you
Guess what?
But if it hurts you, if itbothers you, I'm willing to
change.
I'm willing to change the waythat I speak to you.
I'm willing to change the waythat I shut down, because I know
that it hurts you and I wouldnever want to do anything to
hurt you.
So, yes, I may have feltcompletely justified in the way
that I was responding and, yes,maybe it's something that I
wouldn't have necessarily gottenupset about.
(35:24):
But guess what?
The fact that you're upset isenough for me to change.
So the next thing is holdinggrudges.
Pride really keeps resentmentalive and keeps you in that
cycle of blame where yourpartner may be wanting to get
over something, but you'reconsistently holding a grudge.
You're letting, you're notletting it go.
You're continuously talkingabout the situation.
So you're blue in the face anda lot of times you feel like
(35:45):
that's your best way of handlingthings to just keep rehashing
what happened in the situation.
And this is why a lot of timestalk therapy doesn't really work
because all you're doing istalking about the situation.
(36:05):
And with my private clients, Inever just leave you in this
place of talking about thesituation again and again and
again, because it doesn't.
It doesn't come up with aresolution.
It gets you in this place of.
I still remember when you didthis the last time.
Why should I forgive you?
Now You're probably just goingto do it again or you didn't
listen to how much it hurt mebefore.
And so you go into this realmof referring to past things that
(36:26):
have happened in the past, andit's refueling you.
It's making you more and moreangry, especially if you're in
your luteal phase, and this ishow you get into the PMDD
monthly breakups because you'relike we've always gone through
this again and again and again.
So a better way to stop talkingabout the same situation, stop
letting the pride and the egoget in your way of getting back
on the same page and havingpeace in your PMDD relationship
(36:49):
is I don't want to hold on tothis resentment.
Let's talk about how we canmove forward together.
I don't want to prove myselfright so much that it hurts you.
How can we get on the same pageand really understanding what
we both want and need in thissituation?
Talk to me about what you needand what you're doing is you're
letting go of the pride, you'reletting go of the ego and you're
(37:09):
saying you know what?
Yes, I could prove myself right.
Yes, I can get into thissituation where everything that
I'm doing is right andeverything that you're doing is
wrong and you could actually win.
And this is what your pride andyour ego wants you to do.
It wants you to win at allcosts.
But again, it is a very lonelyjourney.
So one of the things that isreally going to help you and if
you know that you're needinghelp with letting the pride and
(37:31):
the ego take over your PMDDrelationship.
I have created the PMDD PowerCouples Group Counseling
Membership and what we're goingto be doing every single week
when we meet is anything that'sgoing on in your PMDD
relationship.
We're going to be talking aboutit in a way that you're going
to be getting on the same pagewith your partner.
This is the thing that I loveabout having these small groups
(37:52):
is that you're talking about itin a safe place where you can
literally say how you're feeling, and it's not going to turn
into a fight, it's not going toturn into an argument.
It's very solution-based.
You know me, I always give youthe tools.
I don't just tell you what'sgoing wrong in your PMPD
relationship.
I'm going to give you the toolsas to what you can do about it
so you can validate yourpartner's experience, let go of
(38:13):
the pride, let go of the ego andfinally get to this point where
you're talking about whathappened, and then you're still
on the same page.
You're like listen, I feelheard, your partner feel heard,
and then now we can come up withsolutions of how we can handle
this better, how we can makechanges and transform your
relationship moving forward.
(38:34):
I always teach trauma,transformational tools and by
transformational meaning, I'mtransforming these relationship
habits in your PMDD relationshipthat are causing damage, and
one of the biggest ways that wedo that is letting go of the
pride, letting go of the ego andgetting back on the same page.
If you've not joined themembership, it is available
right now.
We are starting our firstsessions in this month of
February.
You can go to the link in theshow notes of this episode.
(38:57):
You can also go toinlovewithpmddcom or find me on
Instagram Dr Rose underscoreinlovewithpmdd and we're going
to be going over tools on howyou can do this, because once
you begin to let go of the prideand the ego, it's a repeated
pattern.
The way that you learn thesetools is to use it again and
again and again, and one of thethings that I learned is the
best ways of really workingthrough.
(39:20):
This is one of the first timesthat I used this tool of getting
rid of the pride and the egoand seeing that, wow, we really
talked about what happened andwe're not mad at each other.
We're actually closer becauseof what we've gone through in
this discussion, and so whatPMDD Power Couples membership
does is it takes your power backfrom PMDD.
(39:40):
Pmdd takes your power away bymaking you have these nasty
fights.
That makes you feel reallydisconnected from your partner,
and what this membership does isI'm taking the power back in my
PMDD relationship and we aregoing to be a power couple, a
PMDD power couple, and it'sgoing to be us against PMDD, not
me against you, you against me,and then there's PMDD mixed in
(40:02):
the middle.
No, it is going to be usagainst PMDD.
So take your power back, getinto the PMDD power couples
group counseling membership andI will see you in there.
And until next time we got this, I love you.
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