July 10, 2025 • 55 mins
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Have you ever said something in the heat of the moment that you instantly regretted? That impulsive text message you can't unsend? The dramatic exit from an argument that made everything worse? If you're nodding right now, this episode is for you.
Impulsivity is perhaps the most destructive force in PMDD relationships, yet it's rarely discussed as a central symptom affecting both partners. While we often associate premenstrual dysphoric disorder with mood swings and physical discomfort, the brain's inability to regulate emotional responses during the luteal phase creates the perfect storm for damaging impulsive behaviors.
During low serotonin periods before menstruation, the brain's "feel good" chemical plummets, making it biologically more difficult to pause before acting. This isn't just about snapping at your partner—it manifests as blocking them on social media, making dramatic relationship ultimatums, overspending, binge eating, or even threatening self-harm. For partners without PMDD, the chronic stress of relationship volatility creates its own impulsivity patterns, leading to reactive behaviors that further damage trust.
What makes impulsivity particularly insidious is how it hijacks your decision-making. In those critical moments, the brain focuses entirely on escaping uncomfortable emotions, completely blind to future consequences. I share my own experiences with impulsivity—from booking unnecessary trips to binge-eating chips during luteal phase (those Sweet Heat Lay's are my kryptonite!)—alongside practical tools like the 90-second rule that allows emotional chemicals to settle before reacting.
The most powerful insight? Recognizing your personal impulsivity pattern. Do you become impulsive when feeling rejected? Offended? Overwhelmed? Once identified, you can create an "impulse buffer zone" with five safe activities to interrupt the pattern before damage occurs. For partners, simple practices like waiting 10 minutes before responding to heated messages can preserve relationship health during turbulent moments.
Ready to break the impulsivity cycle? Download my "Pause the PMDD Panic" worksheet to customize these tools to your specific patterns. Your relationship doesn't have to be at the mercy of impulsive moments—with awareness and practical strategies, you can navigate PMDD without causing lasting damage to the connections that matter most.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Today I want to talk about one of the most damaging
symptoms that happen in everysingle PMDD relationship because
I don't want you to feel likeyou are alone in this and that
is being impulsive.
Impulsivity is a very commonsymptom and a lot of times you
think it's just for the partnerthat has premenstrual dysphoric
(00:21):
disorder, but it is also verycommon in the PMDD partners.
So being in a PMDD relationshipgives you the propensity to be
more impulsive and it reallyimpacts the relationship in a
damaging way.
And I'm going to talk to you alittle bit about this because
it's something that I have somuch experience with, because I
(00:41):
remember a time being sostressed out, so overwhelmed,
and I just noticed that I wasreally hypervigilant, I was very
on edge and I became reallyimpulsive with decisions.
I would be impulsive withdeciding on things, with talking
about things, not talking aboutthings.
So today I'm going to show youwhat that looks like in your
(01:02):
PMDD relationship and then alsogive you the tools of what you
can do when you're in thatsituation where you're finding
like it's a common theme,because I think what happens is
when you're being impulsive, youalso are very kind of become
self-aware of it, because whenyou have a chance to calm down
and you look back at thesituation, you're like, oh, I
could have handled thatdifferently.
(01:22):
And you feel a lot of guilt.
And that's when you begin torealize, like maybe you know, I
was just being and you don'teven have to call it being
impulsive.
It's just when you're feelingguilty about something that you
may have said to your partner orsomething that you may have
done after the fact, when youwant to be back on the same page
, you all of a sudden are like,okay, well, I felt justified to
say or do that in the moment,like when it was happening, I
(01:45):
felt like it was the rightreaction to have because I was
angry or I was mad or I was sad.
For me, my biggest thing waswhen I got offended.
I would get really impulsiveand want to come out of that
environment and I would say, oh,I'm going, I'm going here Like
I would, you know, book a trip.
That was my biggest thing and Ibook trips now all the time.
(02:09):
But a lot of times I noticedthat I was doing it as a coping
mechanism to avoid the issuesthat were going on in past PMDD
relationships, because I knewthat was my happy place.
Traveling is my my happy place.
If you don't follow me onInstagram or TikTok, it's Dr
Rose, underscore, in love withPMDD, and I show my whole life
and a lot of my life istraveling.
(02:30):
So I think when you get to thepoint of being in a situation
where you're stressed and you'reoverwhelmed in your PMDD
relationship, you will lean onyour coping mechanisms, whatever
they are.
So I have, if you, you know, Ihave clients where, if your
coping mechanism is going toplay golf or like pickleball is
so common here in California,like a lot of people like to
(02:54):
play pickleball or they like togo hiking or they go to other
things they like to drink orthey like to, you know, smoke or
vape or whatever.
Whatever your thing is thattakes the edge off and makes you
feel like you're more incontrol of a situation.
You will tend to do that whenyou're having these kind of
impulsive moments, but let'stalk about the individual that's
suffering with PMDD first.
(03:14):
Okay, so when you're in yourluteal phase, a couple of weeks
or a couple of days before yourmenstrual cycle, what I want you
to understand about PMDD is itis a mood disorder.
It basically messes with youhaving the ability to control
your mood?
Does it prevent you and I wantto be very clear having
(03:35):
premenstrual dysphoric disorderdoes not prevent you from
controlling your moods.
What it does is it exposes youto more moods that you would
have, such as irritability oroffense or rejection and all of
those things, and it makes itharder for you.
If you do not have the tools, ifyou're not actively working on
(03:55):
your premenstrual dysphoricdisorder, then it is absolutely
the default mode is going to befor you to be impulsive and to
make an impulsive statement ormake an impulsive decision.
That's going to be the defaultmode, meaning if you are not
working on managing your PMDD atall, then, yes, you are
probably going to be reallyimpulsive.
You're going to say and dothings that you're going to
(04:15):
regret later on, but that'sbecause you're not doing
anything to manage it.
That's because you're not usingany tools.
It does not prevent you and I'msaying this because I've had so
many private sessions withclients and they literally have
the belief that, because theyhave premenstrual dysphoric
disorder, that they have nocontrol over reacting
impulsively in their PMDDrelationship.
(04:36):
And that is not true, and Iwant you to know that, and I'm
coming from a place of love, ofhaving premenstrual dysphoric
disorder and knowing that, Iknow that I have to actively do
something because I don't likethat version of myself that acts
impulsively and I don't likethe way that it impacts
individuals that I'm inrelationships with.
I don't like that.
It makes me feel, you know,being in a relationship and me
(04:58):
personally.
So I have to put tools in placebecause I know that the urge,
the desire to react impulsivelyis going to be there as long as
you have premenstrual disorder,because it's a mood disorder and
impulsivity is part of yourmood.
Okay, and impulsive behaviors.
So, number one, this isnormally going to happen when
you're feeling overwhelmedemotionally and this is also
(05:23):
going to reflect in maybe youhave burnout from having a lot
of physical symptoms.
Those are the two areas wherethey're going to show up the
most.
So what I try to do with myclients is make sure that,
number one, you understand thestate that you're in when you
make these impulsive decisions.
You have to recognize thepattern, because the pattern of
when you react impulsively isgonna be the same, pretty much
(05:45):
standard, for you.
So for me it was every singletime I got offended I would
react impulsively.
So if you think about it verysimply like that, then it's like
okay, it's like a cause andeffect.
I get offended, I act impulsive.
Maybe for a lot of my clientsit's rejection sensitivity I
feel rejected, I react impulsive.
Once you're able to identifywhat your PMDD impulsivity
(06:06):
pattern is is what I call itwhen we're working together Once
we notice the pattern, then Ican help you rewire your PMDD
brain to where you have adifferent reaction that is not
gonna cause damage to your PMDDrelationship.
But the first thing is reallyreally understanding what is
your pattern.
So think about that right now,like what happens when you react
(06:30):
impulsively.
What is going on in your mind?
What is that emotion, thatnegative emotion that you're
feeling, and it's probably moreprevalent in your luteal phase.
So, yeah, that's the firstthing emotional dysregulation it
disrupts what PMDD does.
Premenstrual dysphoric disorder.
It disrupts your brain'sability to regulate your emotion
.
Pmdd really messes with yourbrain and it gives you a lot of
the symptoms that you alwaystalk about that are damaging to
(06:50):
your PMDD relationship.
I have always said and if youlisten to oh my gosh, I had to
send this to somebody that'swanting to be a guest and I have
263 episodes to date that Ihave recorded so far over the
last four years, and if youlisten to one of the earlier
episodes, I will literally tellyou again and again and again
(07:14):
that PMDD messes with your brainand I genuinely feel that,
although there are physicalsymptoms that are horrible as
well, like the fatigue and thenight sweats, I will always tell
you personally that I wouldrather go through the physical
pain of PMDD than go to themental pain, the pain on my
brain.
This is why I work so much withmyself and my clients on
(07:38):
rewiring your PMDD brain,because that's the one that does
the most damage in your PMDDrelationship.
If you just had fatigue or youjust had certain things that are
happening in your body, youtend to internalize that,
meaning it doesn't really impactyour partner that much.
If you're feeling like you needto sleep a lot or you're
feeling like you don't have theenergy to do certain things and
(07:59):
it's harder for you to maybecome up the stairs or certain
things, that's a physical thing,it's a very internal thing.
Like is that going to affectyour mood?
Yes, when those physicalsymptoms start to impact your
mood, that's when it impacts therelationship.
So this is why a lot of what wedo is cognitively working on
the brain and impulsivity isthese intense feelings of anger,
(08:19):
sadness, rejection or fear, andthen they cause you to make
sudden, unplanned actionswithout thinking about the
consequences.
That's one of the biggest thingsis that it's like this, this
blocker on your brain, thatyou're so hyper focused on the
emotion that you're feeling,whether it's anger, sadness,
rejection, or you're focused onthose emotions so much that
(08:39):
you're not thinking about howyour impulsivity is going to
affect your relationship an hourfrom now, two hours from now, a
day from now, and mostly noteven when your partner because
some partners don't even reallyaddress the issue with their
partner immediately it's youjust immediately feel guilty
after you do it.
So this isn't even a situationwhere your partner's scolding
(08:59):
you and be like I can't believeyou talked to me like that or
all these things Before thateven happens.
Most of the time youimmediately feel guilty for
acting impulsively becauseyou've gotten that anger out,
you've gotten that rage out,you've gotten that sadness out,
you've gotten that rejection outthrough your impulsive actions.
And then, all of a sudden, whenyou come down from that high,
then you feel really, really lowand you feel like a monster and
(09:21):
you feel like I can't believe.
I said that.
I can't believe.
I did that Because a lot oftimes when you have that
emotional dysregulation, you areacting out of character.
So a person with PMDD mightsuddenly yell at their partner
or quit their job over astressful email.
You get an email that you don'tlike and then all of a sudden
you quit your job and thenyou're telling your partner that
you quit your job and then thatcauses issues in the
(09:43):
relationship.
Or your partner says and doessomething where you feel
rejected and you start yellingat them because it's a way of
you getting out that negativeemotion that you're feeling.
And the next thing that happensis you have low serotonin
levels.
So during the luteal phase,serotonin basically is the
brain's feel good chemical.
It's the chemical in your brainthat makes you feel good, right
(10:05):
, so that drops during theluteal phase.
So however many days yourluteal phase is mine is right
now it's about 10 to 12 days andthat feel-good chemical, the
serotonin, which I love so much,it drops.
And so what happens is lowserotonin is strongly linked to
impulsive behaviors during theluteal phase.
(10:27):
This can look like PMDD rage.
This can look like overspending, like maybe you go into your
luteal phase and then all of asudden all of these Amazon
packages start showing up andthen that creates a problem in
your PMDD relationship.
And then the next thing is,which, more on the serious side,
is the self-harm right?
Maybe you're doing something toharm yourself because of the
(10:48):
stress and the overwhelm thatyou're feeling and you're going
to that sense of relief.
So some PMDD sufferers, some ofmy clients, they binge on food,
on alcohol and drugsimpulsively during the luteal
phase.
If you notice that you have somehabits just think about that
right now.
Do you have some habits thatare more active in your luteal
phase than they are outside ofthat Meaning?
(11:09):
Are you binging on food?
Of course we have that increasein appetite and when it feels
like you can just eat, eat andeat and eat and eat and never
get full.
I get that every month and I'mlike so mad at myself because I
feel like after I'm impulsive.
I will tell you my weaknesswith food is definitely chips.
I noticed a lot of my clients.
You're either a salty person ora sweet person, and what I mean
(11:31):
by that is you're eithercraving really salty things like
burgers and chips and fries, oryou're like a sweet person
where you want cakes and candiesand all of these things, and so
when I go, I literally can tellby my grocery shopping, like
when I'm in my luteal phase andI'm hungry all the time.
Then when I go shopping I tendto buy like a lot of the same
(11:53):
things during my luteal phasebecause of those cravings.
I have these cheddar and sourcream potato chips that I the
Ruffles ones that I buy everysingle month.
I have the sweet heat Lay'spotato chips, which is like this
sweet, tangy, barbecue-ishflavor.
And then they came out withthis new flavor of Lay's which
I'm like why did they do that?
(12:13):
I forgot what it's called.
They said it was like a limitededition because it was Super
Bowl, but then it's been monthsand months and months.
I have to get the name of it,but it is like kind of like a
sweet and tangy chip.
So I know that I normally dothat and I do it impulsively,
because I'll go grocery shopping, put all of these bags of chips
in my grocery cart and thenI'll feel horrible, because a
(12:34):
lot of times what happens isafter you finish binging your
food or whatever, you getinflammation in your body right,
because a lot of the foods,whether it's sweet or salty,
causes inflammation.
When you're inflamed, yourpremenstrual dysphoric symptoms
are worse.
So then I'm like oh my gosh, Ican't believe.
And it's almost like a monthlything where I'm like I can't
(12:54):
believe I did it again.
I can't believe I did it again,because I never feel good about
myself afterwards.
I feel like man, I feel worse,I feel sluggish, I feel
lethargic, I feel like I'vealready gotten weight gain, but
then it happens even more.
So then you kind of think well,I've already been eating and
like a lot of times you lookbloated when you're in PMDD and
so you start eating becauseyou're kind of like well, what's
the point anyway?
Like I'm already going to youknow, look, and feel like this,
(13:16):
I might as well just get what itis that I'm craving and that I
desire.
Please tell me.
I'm not the only one, not theonly one Like please DM me.
And because I know a lot ofwhat I share on my luteal phase,
I will be posting, like my food, on there, and then I'll have
so many individuals that aresuffering with PMDD that are
like DMing me and like what kindof chips are those or what kind
of food is that?
Or because you're in that sameplace of wanting to do what I'm
(13:39):
doing.
You know and this is notsomething that I have mastered
when it comes to being impulsivewith the food because a lot of
times when you do it and I haveto catch myself doing it and
I'll give you the tools that Iuse for myself, but I have to
catch myself because if I don't,I'm just going to continue to
do the binging and it's notgoing to cause me any kind of
(14:01):
satisfaction.
It's almost going to cause meto feel guilty, and so I have to
use the tools that I'm going tocause me any kind of
satisfaction.
It's almost going to cause meto feel guilty, and so I have to
use the tools that I'm going togive to you today.
So the next thing that canhappen when you're being
impulsive, as the individual whohas premenstrual dysphoric
disorder, is you get into thatfight or flight activation.
Why do we always talk aboutthese fight or flight responses?
It's a very common thing whenit comes to PTSD, when it comes
to stress, when it comes totrigger, and PMDD triggers the
(14:24):
body stress response.
So it makes everything feelurgent, like you have to make a
decision.
This is why, when you'retalking about breaking up with
your partner, you're feelinglike I need to leave the
relationship right now, likeit's emergency mode.
So this emergency mode, it canreally affect people in a way
that they act fast andimpulsively to escape the
discomfort of the emotions inthat moment.
(14:45):
So in order to get out of that,you're saying I need to leave
the relationship.
Like it doesn't feel good forus to not have intimacy.
It doesn't feel good for us tobe arguing in front of our kids.
It doesn't feel good for me tobe arguing in front of family.
It doesn't feel good for me tonot be on the same page with
certain financial decisions.
This doesn't feel good.
So you feel the need to unplugfrom the uncomfortable emotion
(15:06):
and so you do somethingimpulsive slamming the door and
leaving the house during anargument without thinking about
where you're even going, whatyou have with you when you're
going to come back, what yourplans are for the day.
A lot of times when you'reacting impulsively, you're not
even thinking about anythingthat you normally had to do for
the day, any of the logistics ofit.
I know when I acted impulsivelywith exes in the past like I.
(15:27):
Just it's like the blinderswere on.
I literally could care lessabout anything else that was
going on.
I just knew that I needed toreact in that moment to get that
emotion out, and it was so.
It was almost like the more Itried to hold it in, the worse
the response has got, the moreimpulsive the decisions that I
made.
And so the next thing that PMDDdoes is it can cause rejection,
(15:49):
sensitivity, dysphoria.
So I'm going to talk to youabout that on a separate episode
.
But basically what it is isit's extreme emotional reactions
to perceived rejection.
So if I feel like you'rerejecting me, then I'm going to
act impulsively.
So this trigger can cause youto have impulsive PMDD breakups
or dramatic actions within therelationship that do not warrant
(16:09):
the specific thing thathappened, meaning you don't get
a text back, and so all of asudden you start texting your
partner excessively impulsively,again and again, and again.
Or you're either texting them alot and saying all of these mean
things because it's what'sgoing on in your head whatever's
going on in your head is goingon to the text or you can block
and delete your partnerimpulsively.
Delete them off of social media, take off the location off of
(16:33):
your phone.
You're doing it impulsivelyafter they don't respond to a
text quickly enough.
You're feeling rejected becausethey didn't give you the
reaction that you set theexpectation for, and so, as a
way to not feel rejected anymore, you in turn block them so that
you feel like you have morecontrol over the situation.
Where it's not like they'rerejecting you, you almost feel
(16:53):
like you need to be in a placewhere I'm rejecting you.
You're not rejecting me becauseit takes away that rejection,
sensitivity, dysmorphia.
That happens when you're inpremenstrual dysmorphic disorder
, specifically in your lutealphase, and so the next thing
that can happen is the need forimmediate relief.
So when you have extreme painand suffering that goes on
during the luteal phase, you aresometimes and you get to the
(17:14):
point and I've been here so manytimes where you are desperate
for a quick relief from theemotional suffering that's going
on in your PMDD relationship.
You're so desperate, you'rewilling to do anything to not
feel the way that you're feelingin your PMDD relationship,
because you're recognizing howit's impacting every other area
of your life and you're like Ijust need to get rid of this
feeling, I don't want to feellike this right.
(17:35):
So it leads to impulsivebehaviors that provide an
instant comfort, right, even ifthey cause long-term harm.
You want that immediately.
I don't want to feel like thisanymore.
What is something that I can do?
So an example of this isspending money impulsively.
When you start doing that, orovereating, like we were just
talking about, or startingintense arguments just to
(17:56):
release the emotional pressure,you're feeling like I don't want
to keep feeling like this orI'm going to, I'm going to spend
all this money on Amazon, right, or whatever company that you
would spend it on.
I know for me, I had to stop,oh my gosh.
I had to stop looking at TikTokexcessively when I'm in my
luteal phase, because I willliterally buy all of these
things off of the TikTok shopbecause they have live people
(18:19):
that you just sit there andwatch them and they're
advertising all of these thingsto buy and I remember it would
be hours that have gone by andI'm sitting there watching this
person clicking and clicking andclicking and I have all of
these packages coming up and Iwas just like I am spending
money very impulsively because Iwas.
Probably I didn't have enoughenergy to do certain things.
If I'm just laying in the bedbecause I don't have a lot of
(18:41):
energy, because I'm fatigued,and I just take out my phone.
I noticed that that was apattern that I was having.
I'm like, well, I can't, youknow, I can't, I don't have the
energy or the bandwidth to doanything else, I'm just going to
sit here.
When I sat there, I spent somuch money.
Did I need all of the things?
No, but it literally gave mymind a mental break from the
(19:10):
suffering that I was goingthrough.
I was suffering with PMDDsymptoms, I was suffering with
fatigue and, honestly, sittingthere watching all the people on
TikTok and engaging like itgave me that feeling of that I
was doing something, even thoughI really wasn't doing anything
except for spending money.
The same thing with overeating.
Like maybe you feel like you'refeeling horrible with your PMDD
symptoms and you feel like, oh,at least I'm getting this kind
of dopamine hit from eatingwhatever I want to eat, and your
partner can also contribute tothat.
Like, maybe they're in a placeof wanting you to feel better,
so they're getting you thesnacks that you want and you're
(19:33):
thinking like, oh, that's a nicething, but it's really just
very impulsive because it'sexcessive.
That's the thing.
When you're being impulsive,it's very excessive, it's very
quick and it's something toreally it, and you're doing
things impulsively in order tokind of block that, because you
want to feel like you don't havethat emotional stress anymore.
(19:53):
And so what I just really wantyou to understand about all of
this is impulsivity in PMDD.
It's not just a bad behaviorlike something that you know you
just shouldn't do or that'sdamaging to your PMDD
relationship.
It's a brain based symptom.
It is literally messing withyour brain and it's triggered by
your luteal face.
So again, I'm not saying thisbecause it is something that is
(20:16):
inevitable.
Like you're always going to beimpulsive, you're never going to
be able to control it.
This is not an excuse to tellyour partner that, oh,
impulsivity is a symptom of PMDD.
So you just need to get overthe fact that I'm acting
impulsive and just kind of like,move on with it.
If you want to be with me, thenyou have to be with the
impulsive version of me.
This is not what I'm saying.
I'm saying you need to be veryaware that this is a trick of
(20:37):
PMDD that's going to happenevery single month until you
start to use the tools tocounter that, and so what I want
you to do right now is toreally think about what is the
patterns that you're having whenyou're feeling like you want to
make the impulsive decisions.
For me, like I said, it was likewhen I feel fatigued.
I know I'm probably going tooverspend and act impulsively.
(20:58):
When you're in a relationshipand you do that, that can cause
a lot of issues because, say,you have a budget and you're
like, okay, we're supposed to beworking on this specific budget
, we agreed upon this budget,but then, when you get into your
luteal phase, you're veryimpulsive and you make a
decision that is not within therealms of the budget and then
all of a sudden, you're arguingand you're fighting.
So when that impulsive spendingcomes on and I've seen that a
lot with myself it's to feelbetter in the relationship.
(21:21):
So sometimes what I used to dowas impulsively buy gifts for my
partner or book a trip to fixthe relationship.
I was like very, very, very.
That was a very common responsefor me.
Whenever me and my exes got intoa situation where we were not
on the same page, we werearguing and we're fighting.
I would always say we just needto go on a trip and I love
(21:43):
booking trips outside of PMDD.
It's part of the core of who Iam, so I literally was using it
to fix the relationship.
I would be like we'll just befine after another trip, but you
can't spend your wholerelationship on a trip, and I
learned that the hard way,because we would be good on the
trip and then afterwards,whenever we would get stressed
out again, it would be goingback to our regularly scheduled
(22:05):
program and then I was becomingreliant upon that coping
mechanism that I was doingimpulsively, becoming reliant
upon that coping mechanism thatI was doing impulsively.
So if your thing is gifts likemaybe you become reliant on
every single time that you andyour partner get in an argument,
all of a sudden you're buyingthem gifts and you're feeling
like this is a way to fix thesituation, especially if their
(22:25):
love language is gifts thenyou're like I did something
wrong.
Let me buy them flowers, or letme buy them some jewelry, or
let me buy them something thatthey really really like in order
for us to be better within therelationship, and so you can
actually get to a point whereyou're not really working on the
relationship anymore.
You're just patching it up withall of these things like
patching it up with a trip orpatching it up with a gift, and
(22:46):
then cause you're really justthinking to yourself,
(23:14):
no-transcript.
Like you can get in the middleof argument and then all of a
sudden say I can't do thisanymore, I'm done with this
relationship.
This is too much for me, don'tcontact me again, I'm out and
you're walking out of the house.
You're walking out of thegetting out of the car like
walking out of the restaurant.
When you're impulsive, itdoesn't matter where you are.
(23:35):
That kind of reaction is justgoing to happen.
And so a client with PMDDsuddenly blocks their partner
after having a disagreementduring the luteal phase.
Like you're blocking them.
You're like I said, you'returning your location off.
You're doing all this becauseyou're not wanting to stay
within the realms of thatnegative emotion.
And so then the next one is youcan have impulsive accusations
of cheating or betrayal.
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You can start to look at yourpartner like you're definitely
hiding something from me.
Or who were you talking to lastnight at 1 am?
Or who are you texting on yourphone?
Now, all of a sudden, yourpartner's texting and you're
looking down at their textmessages.
You're taking their phone whilethey're in the shower or
something and you're looking ontheir phone, you're suddenly
accusing your partner ofcheating after noticing that
they were online and you'recreating a whole narrative in
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your mind that is causing you tosuffer because you're having
this impulsive accusation ofcheating or betrayal, for
whatever reason.
You're impulsivelyautomatically going to your
cheating on me, automaticallygoing to betrayal, automatically
going to that, instead ofasking them about or instead of
just telling your partner howyou're feeling.
I'm feeling a little insecureright now.
I'm feeling a little jealousright now because we're not in a
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good place and it doesn't makeme feel good for us not to be in
a good place, because then I'mthinking that maybe you could go
be with somebody else that'snot in this PMDD relationship,
that doesn't have to go throughall this, and I'm not feeling
very secure in this.
I'm not feeling very valued,and so I genuinely am starting
to get you know thoughts of youcheating, and you know I don't.
It's messing with me trustingyou and instead of having that
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open and vulnerable conversation, you're immediately assuming
that it's happening and thenattacking them by saying I know
that you're cheating, causesometimes you can tell yourself
stories in your mind that are soconvincing because you put the
pieces together without actuallyasking your partner and saying
I know that it is and so thiscan lead into the next one,
which is impulsive social mediaposting or blocking.
You're sending these crypticmessages and this is really
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prevalent with memes and you'relike if you can't handle me at
my best, then you don't deserveme at my if you, if you can't
handle me at my best, then thenyou don't deserve.
If you can't handle me at myworst, then you don't deserve me
when I'm at my best.
This is one of the most commonones that I see all of the the
just messages and memes that actlike that.
Like, basically, you're notfeeling valued in your
relationship, so you startposting these quotes or you
(25:45):
start posting selfies ofyourself with these captions.
That is just leaking outimpulsively that you're not
happy in your relationship andso when you or you could block
them on all of the platforms,and while you're posting these
cryptic breakup messages whereyou're doing it impulsively
because you're feeling thatnegative emotion in the moment
but you're not understandingthat later on you're opening the
door for all of theseindividuals to be coming into
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your relationship, thinking thatyou're breaking up.
And even if you make up lateron, they're still remembering
the messages that you posted andso it's kind of like you can
say you can be posting somethingon social media.
That's like I'm tired of beingdisrespected.
If you can't love me right,I'll love myself publicly
without you.
Like you get very independentwhen you get on this, this, this
impulsivity, because you feellike you can, you'd be better
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off without them.
We're not compatible.
I would be better off withoutyou.
And then the next thing is theimpulsive physical intimacy or
withdrawal.
So I was guilty of this before.
When you feel like you'relosing your partner and you know
what that feels, like that gutwrenching feeling of like I am
losing, they're slipping awaythis relationship.
We've gotten too many fights,too many arguments.
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It's not sustainable, it'sgoing downhill.
You may start to initiateintimacy out of fear of losing
your partner, even when you'renot emotionally in it, and you
kind of just think in your mindor you even say to them which
I've had partners say to me toolike let's just have sex and
forget this fight.
Maybe this will make everythingyou know okay again.
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Like thinking that if you havesex that momentary, that
momentarily moment, which may ormay not be pleasurable, because
I'm a person that really has tobe connected in order for me to
enjoy sex or intimacy, like Ican't just turn it on.
And so a lot of times when thatwas used within relationships,
it didn't really do anythingafter the fact, like maybe in
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the moment I thought maybe itwas serving my partner, so let's
just do this.
But for me I ended up feelingworse, I ended up feeling
horrible.
So maybe you're in the realm ofwithdrawal where you're saying
don't touch me, I can't standyou right now.
So because of whatever thatnegative emotion is, you're
actually withdrawing fromintimacy.
You don't want your partner totouch you and you're cutting it
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off impulsively.
You're immediately saying youdon't want any intimacy, don't
hold my hand.
You're kind of moving away whenthey go to put their arm around
you or cuddle with you in thebed.
The next thing is impulsivemoving out or packing your bags.
Threatening to leave the houseliterally means you're packing
your bags dramatically as soonas you're in the argument you
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could be in the middle of it andyou're like literally walking
around packing a bag and you'resaying I'll leave tonight.
I'll stay at a hotel if I haveto.
I can't live like this anothersecond You're booking the Airbnb
, you're calling your family,you're telling them that you're
coming over, you're doing all ofthis to escape the negative
emotions that are happening inyour relationship and you're
impulsively adding in otherpeople that are going to be
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affected by this decision,instead of you know taking some
time to say okay, if I was topack my bags and move out, how
is this going to impact the kids?
How is this going to impact usfinancially?
How is this going to impact thefamily member that I may stay
with?
Like?
Those are the kind of decisionsthat are made out of.
I don't care about anythingelse, I just need to get out of
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here.
I can't live another secondlike this.
Like this is the impulsivity.
And the next thing is, if you'remarried, maybe you have an
impulsive decision about divorce.
Like literally, maybe we shouldjust get married already, right
.
Like you're saying like, hey,maybe we should just get married
already, right.
Like you, you're saying like,hey, maybe we should just get
divorced before we waste moretime.
So this is what I mean.
It can go both ways.
If you are in the middle of anargument and you're not married
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right, you're not married,you're just dating.
You may say within the middleof the argument you know what,
maybe we should just get married, maybe we should just get
married and just you know, maybethis wouldn't be an issue if we
were married already.
So then you start to projectthat maybe marriage is the issue
.
Maybe the reason why you'refighting and you're talking
about all these things isbecause you're not married.
And then, if you are married,you're thinking maybe we should
just get a divorce before wewaste more time, or I think you
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deserve somebody better, likeyou're not happy, I'm not happy,
let's just get out of this.
So you're kind of using thatpush and pull with either
getting married or getting adivorce impulsively, thinking
that it's going to fix whateverissues that you have within your
PMDD relationship.
The next impulsive thing thatreally does a lot of damage is
impulsive oversharing or ventingto your friends and family
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about what's going on in yourrelationship.
The reason why I say this iskind of damaging is because it's
not sustainable long-term.
So you send these longemotional texts to friends and
family about the relationshipwithout consenting with your
partner, if it's okay.
So we're talking mutual friends, we're talking family members
that they're going to see andyou're literally going in there
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telling them all of yourbusiness in the moment, because
you're feeling stressed andyou're feeling overwhelmed and
you're saying I can't take thisanymore.
I need to tell someoneeverything right now.
They deserve to know how awfulthey've been to me.
Because you're in that momentof feeling that intense Maybe
it's rejection, maybe it'soffense, maybe all these things
and so you're feeling like Ineed to talk to somebody about
this and you're almost thinkingthat you feel better after you
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get it off your chest, butyou're not understanding the
damage that it's doing.
Because, again, when you'rebeing impulsive, you're very
much just thinking about thepresent moment and getting away
from that negative feeling thatyou're having.
And so the next one is theimpulsive ultimatums, the all or
nothing thinking, thecatastrophizing I call it it's.
You demand extreme, immediatedecisions about their future.
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Like you literally like, eitheryou change right now or we're
over forever.
I need to answer by tonight.
Like you have an issue in yourrelationship and, instead of
allowing your partner time tothink about it, you're like no,
no, no, you need to answer meright now or we need to solve
this situation right now.
You're not letting them walkaway.
You're following them whenthey're trying to walk away,
where one of your partner youknow you may be using one of the
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tools which is I need to takesome space and walk away and
instead of allowing them thespace and time to do that,
you're being impulsive andyou're demanding.
We need to talk about thisright now.
We need to make a decisionabout this right now or we're
done.
If you walk away from me again,we're done.
And I see this very commonbecause they'll be like Dr Rose,
like I tried to use one of yourtools, which is taking some
space and walking away.
My partner didn't let me andthey made me have the
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conversation and theconversation ended up being
worse because we said and didthings within the realm of the
conversation.
Some of it ended up gettingviolent because there was this
impulsive like.
I need an answer right now.
We're talking about this rightnow.
And then the next one isimpulsive self-harm or threats
when you have the suicidalideations and this is a trigger
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warning right here.
When you have suicidalideations or even suicidal
attempts because of theoverwhelm that's happening in
the relationship.
It is very stressful to be in aPMDD relationship where you're
not seeing eye to eye and youget burnt out because there's no
break.
You know it's going to happenagain the very next month, and
so you may feel so overwhelmedand say, like, if you leave me,
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I don't know, I don't know whatI'll do.
I can't survive without you,like threatening as if if you
leave me, if you walk away, thenI'm going to hurt myself, which
is basically what you would besaying.
Or you're so stressed out andoverwhelmed within the
relationship and you don'treally you know trust what
you're gonna do.
You just want the pain to end,and so what I want you to do
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right now is to really thinkabout when you've gotten
impulsive before.
When you have gotten impulsivebefore, has it given you the
result that you've wanted?
Because one thing that youreally have to do is recognize
how damaging it is, because themore that you connect with the
fact that impulsivity causesdamage, then, when you get to
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the point where you're about todo it, you'll be able to stop
yourself, because you'll be ableto recognize okay, okay, this
is going to cause damage.
I probably should do somethingdifferent.
This is going to cause damage.
I probably should do somethingdifferent.
This is gonna cause damage.
I probably should do somethingdifferent and I'm very big with
you know, setting mantras,because you have to stop
yourself cognitively, you haveto stop your brain from going to
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that default mode which isacting impulsively.
So let me talk to you about thetools for impulsivity for the
partner that has PMDD.
The PMDD suffer the 90 secondrule.
So emotions can only last 90seconds is what you do after the
90 seconds.
That keeps that emotion goingand I teach this a lot with my
private clients, because youassume that you get into this
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negative emotional state and itlasts so long when really, if
you're able to manage it duringthe first 90 seconds, it allows
the emotional chemicals in yourbrain to settle.
So what this means is, whenyou're using this tool, wait at
least 90 seconds beforeresponding to your partner.
If they're talking to you crazy, if they're yelling, if they're
this and you feel yourselfabout to do one of the impulsive
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moves like for me, like maybeit's if I'm scrolling on TikTok
and I find myself about to goyou know, be financially not
responsible by paying for allthese things that I really don't
need I wait the 90 secondsbefore I go to do that, because
I know the pattern of that or ifyou feel like your partner is
yelling at you and they'retalking crazy and you want to
walk out.
Wait the 90 seconds, allow theemotions to settle in your brain
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before you do anything, and youcan use this script that I'm
gonna give you.
It says I feel like reacting,but I'm gonna pause for 90
seconds before I speak or actirrationally or impulsively to
my partner.
You literally can tell yourselfthis, whether you say it out
loud or you say it to yourself,it doesn't matter.
You're just letting in and,honestly, you don't have to say
(35:12):
this to your partner, because Idon't know how beneficial it
would be to tell them like hey,I'm going to pause for 90
seconds, like I don't.
Maybe you all have like a.
What I do with my privateclients is we kind of have a
code word, basically for a lotof the tools that we use.
It is I'm going to say thisword and that's going to let you
(35:33):
know that I'm using thisspecific tool without having to
really break it down and explainit, right?
So the next thing you can do iscreate an impulse buffer zone
list List and you know me if youfollow me on social media, I'm
always outside.
That's one of my tools that Iuse.
What I want you to do is createfive safe things that you can
do instead of reactingimpulsively Go outside, go take
a shower, go to the store, goget your nails done.
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It doesn't matter how long youdo it, but basically you need to
have five safe things that arevery accessible.
And I say, when I say createthe five things, I like to do it
in a way where you're notdepending so much on external
factors Because, say, if you'relike, oh, I'm going to drive,
but you're not anywhere nearyour car, or maybe you can't
leave the house because the kidsare at home, so you don't want
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to create a situation where youhave things that you want to do
to create that buffer but you'renot able to do it.
So for me, going outside andtaking a walk has really, really
helped me.
I have a dog, so I have to walkmy dog anyway and he's always
up for a walk, like literallythe other day we went at like
two o'clock in the morning and Ilive in a very nice gated area
where my condo is, so it wassafe for me to do it.
(36:38):
But it doesn't matter when youstart to feel impulsive, you
need to do something to shiftnot just your actions but also
your environment.
You need to get out of thatenvironment that you're in in
order to create a buffer, inorder for you to use the 90
seconds I don't just mean takethe 90 seconds and stay sitting
there staring at your partner,because it's going to create a
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situation where you'recontinuously being triggered.
So you're going to create thatimpulse buffer zone list.
That's five safe things.
So just take some time and thinkabout that right now and just
have it.
Just put it in your notes app,because a lot of times when
you're feeling impulsive in themoment, you don't always have
your journal, so that's why I'malways big majority of people
have their phones on them mostof the time Go put it in the
(37:20):
notes app of your phone.
The next thing is, if you'refeeling like you are about to
send an impulsive message toyour partner, I want you to type
it out the way you would in anormal text message, but put it
in your note tab, not in anactual text app.
Reread it after 30 minutes andthen decide if you still want to
send it.
But I do believe in getting outthe emotion and not holding it
(37:41):
in.
So if you want to type it out,if you want to write it out, if
you want to put it in an email,however, you want to do it, do
it, but then don't send it.
And you can use this mantraI'll write it out, but I won't
send it until I've cooled down.
So you're giving yourself theopportunity to say everything in
the most real, raw way, butthen you don't send it.
Therefore, it doesn't do damagein your PMDD relationship.
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The other one is the PMDD saferwith your partner.
I talked about those a lot.
Just don't do anything supergeneric, like timeout or let's
pause, like please don't dothings that are not in alignment
with who you are and how youwould normally speak, because I
want this to be a natural thingand not something that's super
like woo, woo, because thenyou're going to, you're going to
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your ego is going to be likethat's not even going to work,
like that's so stupid, blah,blah, blah.
Like for me, one of the mantrasthat worked really, really well
for me when I'm feeling aboutbeing impulsive is I always say
it, and I think I've said it ona couple of episodes now.
I've been intertwining,intertwining my mantras on here
and I say it all the time.
I say that's a scam.
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Whenever PMDD is doingsomething to trick my brain, I
literally say that's a scam.
Whenever PMDD is doingsomething to trick my brain, I
literally say that's a scam.
And it helps me rewire my PMDDbrain because I no longer
believe what's going on, and I'ma big.
When you have premenstrualdysphoric disorder, what you
believe is going to impact yourmindset.
What you believe, what youthink about, is going to impact
your mindset, which is going toimpact your emotions.
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So if you buy into whatever itis, maybe it's a rejection
sensitivity and you're startingto feel rejected.
If you buy into the fact thatyour partner's rejecting you,
then you're going to get thatemotion.
If you don't want to get thatemotion, don't lean into a
thought.
So, as soon as the thoughtcomes, just say that's a scam,
right?
The next thing you can do one ofmy yogi, my yogi friends,
taught me this one I isgrounding right the five, four,
(39:32):
three, two, one Name.
Five things that you see, fourthings that you can touch, three
things that you hear, twothings that you smell and one
thing that you taste.
When you do that, you're givingyour brain a break from
whatever the negative impulsiveemotion that you're having and
you're turning it.
You're focused to that.
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During that time, the chemicalsin your brain will be able to
calm down and you'll be thinkingmore rationally and less
impulsively.
You can do visualization.
I use this a lot.
It's like your futureself-filter, right?
So if I was calm, what wouldthe calm version of me do, if I
was happy, if I felt free?
I know one of the biggesttriggers for me when I'm feeling
impulsive is feeling trapped.
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I'm an Enneagram seven, I'm aSagittarius, I'm a free spirit.
If I feel like there'ssomething going on in my
relationship where I'm feelingtrapped, I get claustrophobic.
And so when I start to thinkabout I need to get out of here,
I need to get out of here.
I will just ask myself, like myto leave right now.
If I was to book a trip rightnow, would that help my
relationship or would it make itworse?
(40:35):
Like literally just askingyourself if you do the action
that you feel like doing whenyou're being impulsive, is that
going to help your relationship?
Is it going to help you?
So you're kind of visualizingthat like what is that going to
look like?
If you're my private client,you know I say that a lot.
Well, you can't just speak tome and say, oh, we're going to
do this and we're going to dothis.
Okay, but what does that looklike?
Because then it gives yourbrain an opportunity to paint a
(40:56):
picture and then, when you paintthat picture, when you
visualize it, you may say, ohwell, that actually won't work.
You know what I mean.
That actually won't work for me.
So then you're able to make adifferent decision because
you've taken that time.
The next thing is redirectingyour physical energy rage and
you're feeling impulsive.
You need to get that energy outright.
This is a lot of times when Igo to the gym thank goodness for
(41:16):
24 hour gyms or I'll go outside, but it's not a situation where
I'll just go outside and dolike a leisurely walk.
If I'm feeling like I have alot of impulsiveness going on, I
will go do sprints.
I'll go, you know, just runreally fast and then walk, run
really fast and then walk, likejust to get to break a sweat and
to get it out of my system.
Or I'll go to the gym and maybedo a HIIT workout or lift some
(41:36):
weights.
I'll just do something and itcan take as little as like 10
minutes, 20 minutes, like youmay feel like staying in that
moment, but you need to get thephysical aspect because what
happens is when you're holdingonto all of that stress, it's in
your body, the trauma, thestress overwhelm, all it's in
your body, the trauma, thestress overwhelm, all of that is
(41:57):
in your body and you're gonnastart to feel it and you're
gonna be like this is whenyou're gonna say, oh, you're
making my PMDD symptoms worseand then set like a no major
decisions rule Most of myclients have this where you're
not making major decisionsduring the luteal phase, we're
not breaking up, we're notquitting jobs, we're not
spending excessively.
(42:17):
Until after my period comes.
Am I willing to address all ofthose things?
Absolutely, but I'm not goingto make a permanent decision
about them while I'm in myluteal phase.
Aka, that's a scam, because youalready know, when you're in
your luteal phase and you'refeeling impulsive, the decision
that you make is probably notgoing to make sense to you or
feel aligned with you once yourcycle comes, when your cycle
comes and you feel that sense ofrelief, at least cognitively,
(42:38):
at least mentally, yes, you'regoing to have the physical
symptoms, but cognitively, whenyou have that sense of relief
where the cloud, the PMDD cloudhas been lifted from your brain
and you're looking at yourpartner and your relationship
with this renewed sense of hope,like I got this.
You're not going to want tohave made all of these permanent
decisions that you now have toclean up the mess from it, right
?
You're not going to want tohave to clean up the mess from
(42:59):
the decisions that you made whenyou were in a state that you
just wanted to get out of it,right?
You wanted to get out of thenegative emotion.
So this is what your partnerscan do PMDD partners.
This is for you now.
Okay, so these are the toolsfor the partner.
Before responding, say you gotthis text message from the
individual, your partner, thatsuffers with PMDD and they're
(43:20):
saying mean and nasty thingsLike let's just be honest, let's
be real, there's a lot of meanand nasty things that can be
said via text message.
When you guys are arguing, Iwant you to wait 10 minutes
before you text back.
I know a lot of times you haveyour read receipt on, so the
partner may have seen that youcan see.
So that creates an issue.
I know for me, what I used todo is I wouldn't click on the
(43:42):
message.
If I knew that I was in thatstate of being impulsive and all
the things, I wouldn't click onit because I don't wanna create
a read receipt.
If I have that on and then mypartner see that I'm not
responding and then that causesa deeper issue.
If I know that I'm feelingimpulsive because we've been
fighting or arguing and all thethings, I wait 10 minutes.
And you know a mantra that youcan use for this.
One is I care about us morethan this argument, but I need
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10 minutes to think about itbefore I reply.
I need 10 minutes, 15 minutes,20 minutes, like this is what
you're saying to yourself.
I need some time before I reply, cause I already know, thinking
about future self, I alreadyknow, if I was to respond right
now, the things that were.
Have you ever done that whenyou literally thought about what
(44:25):
you were going to say to yourpartner, like in your mind, and
then you're like that was harsh,like before you even send it,
like you have the awareness of,like I'm going to tell, I'm
going to tell them this, andthen you're like, dang, that was
nasty.
And then, if you don't do it,you're going to be very proud of
yourself that you didn't fallfor that trap, because then when
you're texting, the thing abouttexting is you can always pull
up a text later on.
So it's one thing that can keeparguments going on, because
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they'll be like I never.
After you're finished, beingimpulsive for the individual
that doesn't have PMDD, you maysay I never said that to you
because you're not feeling likeyou're in that state of those
emotions.
But what can they do?
They can pull up this textmessage and say, look, look,
look, you said it right here,look what you said.
And then they'll startscreenshotting it to you and
sending it back, and then it'sgoing to cause the argument to
be even worse.
(45:09):
And so if you never send thetext, you won't have that proof.
That's sitting there later onwhen you're in the middle of an
argument or even trying torepair an argument.
So the next one is name it totame it.
So if you're the partner, Iwant you to name whatever
emotion that you're feeling.
I'm feeling angry, I'm feelingpissed off, I'm feeling sad, I'm
feeling rejected, I'm feelinghopeless.
(45:29):
I'm feeling whatever.
You're saying what you'refeeling before acting on it.
So I'm feeling blank.
Acting on it might make itworse.
I'm feeling pissed off.
So acting on feeling pissed offis probably going to make our
relationship worse.
That's the mantra I'm feelingpissed off Like be honest with
how you're feeling, don't try todeny it.
Don't feel like, oh, I got it.
You know a lot of times.
How many times have you gotteninto a situation where you're
(45:52):
like I can talk about this.
You feel like you're capable oftalking about a situation
calmly, but then you end uptalking about it and you end up
going off.
And then you regret it later onand you're like I should have
never brought it up.
Yeah, if you give yourself thatmantra ahead of time and just
say, hey, I'm feeling like this,I'm not feeling good about this
situation, I'm feeling betrayed, I'm feeling like I'm getting
(46:13):
the short end of the stick.
I'm feeling like I'm notunderstood, my needs aren't met.
If you're feeling like that,then acting on it right now may
probably make it worse.
And I'm not gonna get my needsmet by acting impulsively right
now.
The next thing you can do as apartner is have a physical exit
strategy for overwhelmingsituations, and this has to be
something that you agree on soyou can say I need to step away
(46:36):
for a few minutes so I can showup calmer, like right now.
I've said this before whereI've told partners to say this
as well and it's really actuallyworked.
And it's like I love you toomuch to stay in this situation
because I know what I couldpotentially say might hurt you
and I don't want to hurt you anymore than you're already
hurting right now.
Like I see that you're hurtingright now and I'm sorry for my
part in it.
I just need to take some spaceright now because I don't want I
(46:57):
don't want to make it worse.
I'm going to be back in like 30minutes.
Can you, can you please do thatfor me?
Can you just give me 30 minutesso I can regulate myself right
now or calm down, like howeveryou speak, and then that gives
you the space and time byvalidating how they're feeling,
taking accountability andresponsibility for your part in
it, and saying like, hey, Idon't want to make things worse
for you.
Like I already know I probablyhurt you when I said this or I
(47:19):
did this.
Take accountability and I don'twant to make it any worse.
Can you please just give me acouple minutes so I can make
sure that when I come back, thatI'm giving you the respect that
you deserve, right, when youapproach it that way.
It's way better than just youknow walking off and then them
never knowing when you're comingback.
So the next thing is you can usean anchor statement.
This goes back into thegrounding that you can use for
(47:40):
the partner.
This isn't personal, it's thePMDD, and this doesn't mean it's
an excuse.
But when they're reacting in acertain way, in order for you to
not internalize what they'resaying and doing, you can just
say it's PMDD or this is a scamor whatever your mantra is where
you're calling out the behaviorand saying it's premenstrual
(48:01):
dysphoric disorder.
My partner, a lot of times,what can help is showing some
level of sympathy or empathy,like my partner's really
suffering in their luteal phaseright now.
They're really suffering withPMDD right now.
They don't really mean this.
I'm pretty sure we're going totalk about this later on and get
this all sorted out.
The next thing is accountabilitycheck-in right.
This is when, a lot of times,when you're feeling impulsive,
(48:27):
my private clients will reachout to me and send me an email
or book a session to really, ifit's like a situation that is,
they really need to work throughit.
Having that level ofaccountability was saying
(48:56):
no-transcript really workthrough that.
It's better to do that with meversus doing it a lot of times
with your partner, because youmay say or do something that you
may regret later on,impulsively, because you're in
that moment where you're seeinga situation a certain way and
what happens is when we go onthe private session, I'm able to
(49:16):
give you some insight into thesituation from a partner, from
an individual's perspective, ofsomeone who has premenstrual
dysphoric disorder, and thengive you the tools of what you
can do based off of the emotionsthat you're feeling.
So when you do interact withyour partner, it's not in a
damaging way, and so you canalso do the post-cycle
perspective, like, basically,once my partner gets out of PMDD
(49:39):
, what do I want that to looklike?
This really helps because youdon't like where things are
right now in your PMDDrelationship, maybe in the
moment.
But if you're like, hey, whenshe goes into her luteal phase,
like I want our relationship tolook like this.
Well, if you want yourrelationship to look and feel a
certain way, then are youractions, when you act
(49:59):
impulsively, is it going to giveyou the result that you want,
or is it going to make thingsworse, right?
The next thing is you can dohopefully you're tracking your
partner's cycle.
I know things can get tricky ifthey have perimenopause and
it's very sporadic, and I will.
When I say tracking, I don'tmean you put it on your calendar
and you say these are the daysthat you're in PMDD, these are
(50:21):
the days that you're not,because our cycles can fluctuate
so often that you don't want toget too rigid Like I've been in
that situation before wherepartners are like it's the 20th
of the month, like you'resupposed to be in PMDD, where I
wasn't in PMDD yet, but becauseit was the 20th of the month,
they were like assuming no, butit says and it's like you cannot
be that rigid.
Our bodies don't work like that.
(50:43):
We have a lot of ebbs and flowsand so, based off of the stress
that's going on in our lives,our cycle might change.
So I would say your partner'scycle, make sure that you're
asking them in a nicenon-critical way how are you
feeling?
Are you in your luteal phase,getting that confirmation before
you start assuming that they'rein PMDD?
(51:05):
So what I want you to justrecognize from this whole
episode is for the individualsthat are suffering with PMDD.
Impulsivity comes from intenseemotions, right Like the PMDD
rage or the panic For thepartner.
Impulsivity comes from gettingdefensive, from feeling burnt
out or feeling helpless in yourPMDD relationship.
So if this is something thatyou know that you need help with
(51:26):
, I have designed something foryou that is really going to help
you break down all of thesetools that I've been teaching
you, and it's going to help youjust put them into play.
It's called Pause the PMDDPanic your impulse control
worksheet.
What this guide is going to dois give you the tools and you
can customize it to the patternsthat you're seeing.
(51:46):
Like I said, when I'm offended,this is when I'm impulsive,
right, so it lets you workthrough it and it lets for the
partner that has PMDD and thepartner that doesn't have PMDD.
So this is something that youneed help with.
If you want to even book asession right now, during the
month of July, I do have thosediscounted sessions.
So if this is something youwant to work on on a private
session, this would be a goodopportunity to really dig deep
(52:10):
and, instead of you justguessing on the worksheet, we
can actually get to the pointwhere we're saying, okay, this
is the tool that youspecifically need, and then have
your partner do the same thing.
Because what I will say is formy private clients when you feel
like you have a plan, then it'srestoring the hope in your PMDD
relationship, where you're notfeeling like so impulsive, where
you're feeling like you have tobreak up.
(52:30):
So until next time.
We got this, I love you.
Today I want to talk about one of the most damaging
symptoms that happen in everysingle PMDD relationship because
I don't want you to feel likeyou are alone in this and that
is being impulsive.
Impulsivity is a very commonsymptom and a lot of times you
think it's just for the partnerthat has premenstrual dysphoric
(00:21):
disorder, but it is also verycommon in the PMDD partners.
So being in a PMDD relationshipgives you the propensity to be
more impulsive and it reallyimpacts the relationship in a
damaging way.
And I'm going to talk to you alittle bit about this because
it's something that I have somuch experience with, because I
(00:41):
remember a time being sostressed out, so overwhelmed,
and I just noticed that I wasreally hypervigilant, I was very
on edge and I became reallyimpulsive with decisions.
I would be impulsive withdeciding on things, with talking
about things, not talking aboutthings.
So today I'm going to show youwhat that looks like in your
(01:02):
PMDD relationship and then alsogive you the tools of what you
can do when you're in thatsituation where you're finding
like it's a common theme,because I think what happens is
when you're being impulsive, youalso are very kind of become
self-aware of it, because whenyou have a chance to calm down
and you look back at thesituation, you're like, oh, I
could have handled thatdifferently.
(01:22):
And you feel a lot of guilt.
And that's when you begin torealize, like maybe you know, I
was just being and you don'teven have to call it being
impulsive.
It's just when you're feelingguilty about something that you
may have said to your partner orsomething that you may have
done after the fact, when youwant to be back on the same page
, you all of a sudden are like,okay, well, I felt justified to
say or do that in the moment,like when it was happening, I
(01:45):
felt like it was the rightreaction to have because I was
angry or I was mad or I was sad.
For me, my biggest thing waswhen I got offended.
I would get really impulsiveand want to come out of that
environment and I would say, oh,I'm going, I'm going here Like
I would, you know, book a trip.
That was my biggest thing and Ibook trips now all the time.
(02:09):
But a lot of times I noticedthat I was doing it as a coping
mechanism to avoid the issuesthat were going on in past PMDD
relationships, because I knewthat was my happy place.
Traveling is my my happy place.
If you don't follow me onInstagram or TikTok, it's Dr
Rose, underscore, in love withPMDD, and I show my whole life
and a lot of my life istraveling.
(02:30):
So I think when you get to thepoint of being in a situation
where you're stressed and you'reoverwhelmed in your PMDD
relationship, you will lean onyour coping mechanisms, whatever
they are.
So I have, if you, you know, Ihave clients where, if your
coping mechanism is going toplay golf or like pickleball is
so common here in California,like a lot of people like to
(02:54):
play pickleball or they like togo hiking or they go to other
things they like to drink orthey like to, you know, smoke or
vape or whatever.
Whatever your thing is thattakes the edge off and makes you
feel like you're more incontrol of a situation.
You will tend to do that whenyou're having these kind of
impulsive moments, but let'stalk about the individual that's
suffering with PMDD first.
(03:14):
Okay, so when you're in yourluteal phase, a couple of weeks
or a couple of days before yourmenstrual cycle, what I want you
to understand about PMDD is itis a mood disorder.
It basically messes with youhaving the ability to control
your mood?
Does it prevent you and I wantto be very clear having
(03:35):
premenstrual dysphoric disorderdoes not prevent you from
controlling your moods.
What it does is it exposes youto more moods that you would
have, such as irritability oroffense or rejection and all of
those things, and it makes itharder for you.
If you do not have the tools, ifyou're not actively working on
(03:55):
your premenstrual dysphoricdisorder, then it is absolutely
the default mode is going to befor you to be impulsive and to
make an impulsive statement ormake an impulsive decision.
That's going to be the defaultmode, meaning if you are not
working on managing your PMDD atall, then, yes, you are
probably going to be reallyimpulsive.
You're going to say and dothings that you're going to
(04:15):
regret later on, but that'sbecause you're not doing
anything to manage it.
That's because you're not usingany tools.
It does not prevent you and I'msaying this because I've had so
many private sessions withclients and they literally have
the belief that, because theyhave premenstrual dysphoric
disorder, that they have nocontrol over reacting
impulsively in their PMDDrelationship.
(04:36):
And that is not true, and Iwant you to know that, and I'm
coming from a place of love, ofhaving premenstrual dysphoric
disorder and knowing that, Iknow that I have to actively do
something because I don't likethat version of myself that acts
impulsively and I don't likethe way that it impacts
individuals that I'm inrelationships with.
I don't like that.
It makes me feel, you know,being in a relationship and me
(04:58):
personally.
So I have to put tools in placebecause I know that the urge,
the desire to react impulsivelyis going to be there as long as
you have premenstrual disorder,because it's a mood disorder and
impulsivity is part of yourmood.
Okay, and impulsive behaviors.
So, number one, this isnormally going to happen when
you're feeling overwhelmedemotionally and this is also
(05:23):
going to reflect in maybe youhave burnout from having a lot
of physical symptoms.
Those are the two areas wherethey're going to show up the
most.
So what I try to do with myclients is make sure that,
number one, you understand thestate that you're in when you
make these impulsive decisions.
You have to recognize thepattern, because the pattern of
when you react impulsively isgonna be the same, pretty much
(05:45):
standard, for you.
So for me it was every singletime I got offended I would
react impulsively.
So if you think about it verysimply like that, then it's like
okay, it's like a cause andeffect.
I get offended, I act impulsive.
Maybe for a lot of my clientsit's rejection sensitivity I
feel rejected, I react impulsive.
Once you're able to identifywhat your PMDD impulsivity
(06:06):
pattern is is what I call itwhen we're working together Once
we notice the pattern, then Ican help you rewire your PMDD
brain to where you have adifferent reaction that is not
gonna cause damage to your PMDDrelationship.
But the first thing is reallyreally understanding what is
your pattern.
So think about that right now,like what happens when you react
(06:30):
impulsively.
What is going on in your mind?
What is that emotion, thatnegative emotion that you're
feeling, and it's probably moreprevalent in your luteal phase.
So, yeah, that's the firstthing emotional dysregulation it
disrupts what PMDD does.
Premenstrual dysphoric disorder.
It disrupts your brain'sability to regulate your emotion
.
Pmdd really messes with yourbrain and it gives you a lot of
the symptoms that you alwaystalk about that are damaging to
(06:50):
your PMDD relationship.
I have always said and if youlisten to oh my gosh, I had to
send this to somebody that'swanting to be a guest and I have
263 episodes to date that Ihave recorded so far over the
last four years, and if youlisten to one of the earlier
episodes, I will literally tellyou again and again and again
(07:14):
that PMDD messes with your brainand I genuinely feel that,
although there are physicalsymptoms that are horrible as
well, like the fatigue and thenight sweats, I will always tell
you personally that I wouldrather go through the physical
pain of PMDD than go to themental pain, the pain on my
brain.
This is why I work so much withmyself and my clients on
(07:38):
rewiring your PMDD brain,because that's the one that does
the most damage in your PMDDrelationship.
If you just had fatigue or youjust had certain things that are
happening in your body, youtend to internalize that,
meaning it doesn't really impactyour partner that much.
If you're feeling like you needto sleep a lot or you're
feeling like you don't have theenergy to do certain things and
(07:59):
it's harder for you to maybecome up the stairs or certain
things, that's a physical thing,it's a very internal thing.
Like is that going to affectyour mood?
Yes, when those physicalsymptoms start to impact your
mood, that's when it impacts therelationship.
So this is why a lot of what wedo is cognitively working on
the brain and impulsivity isthese intense feelings of anger,
(08:19):
sadness, rejection or fear, andthen they cause you to make
sudden, unplanned actionswithout thinking about the
consequences.
That's one of the biggest thingsis that it's like this, this
blocker on your brain, thatyou're so hyper focused on the
emotion that you're feeling,whether it's anger, sadness,
rejection, or you're focused onthose emotions so much that
(08:39):
you're not thinking about howyour impulsivity is going to
affect your relationship an hourfrom now, two hours from now, a
day from now, and mostly noteven when your partner because
some partners don't even reallyaddress the issue with their
partner immediately it's youjust immediately feel guilty
after you do it.
So this isn't even a situationwhere your partner's scolding
(08:59):
you and be like I can't believeyou talked to me like that or
all these things Before thateven happens.
Most of the time youimmediately feel guilty for
acting impulsively becauseyou've gotten that anger out,
you've gotten that rage out,you've gotten that sadness out,
you've gotten that rejection outthrough your impulsive actions.
And then, all of a sudden, whenyou come down from that high,
then you feel really, really lowand you feel like a monster and
(09:21):
you feel like I can't believe.
I said that.
I can't believe.
I did that Because a lot oftimes when you have that
emotional dysregulation, you areacting out of character.
So a person with PMDD mightsuddenly yell at their partner
or quit their job over astressful email.
You get an email that you don'tlike and then all of a sudden
you quit your job and thenyou're telling your partner that
you quit your job and then thatcauses issues in the
(09:43):
relationship.
Or your partner says and doessomething where you feel
rejected and you start yellingat them because it's a way of
you getting out that negativeemotion that you're feeling.
And the next thing that happensis you have low serotonin
levels.
So during the luteal phase,serotonin basically is the
brain's feel good chemical.
It's the chemical in your brainthat makes you feel good, right
(10:05):
, so that drops during theluteal phase.
So however many days yourluteal phase is mine is right
now it's about 10 to 12 days andthat feel-good chemical, the
serotonin, which I love so much,it drops.
And so what happens is lowserotonin is strongly linked to
impulsive behaviors during theluteal phase.
(10:27):
This can look like PMDD rage.
This can look like overspending, like maybe you go into your
luteal phase and then all of asudden all of these Amazon
packages start showing up andthen that creates a problem in
your PMDD relationship.
And then the next thing is,which, more on the serious side,
is the self-harm right?
Maybe you're doing something toharm yourself because of the
(10:48):
stress and the overwhelm thatyou're feeling and you're going
to that sense of relief.
So some PMDD sufferers, some ofmy clients, they binge on food,
on alcohol and drugsimpulsively during the luteal
phase.
If you notice that you have somehabits just think about that
right now.
Do you have some habits thatare more active in your luteal
phase than they are outside ofthat Meaning?
(11:09):
Are you binging on food?
Of course we have that increasein appetite and when it feels
like you can just eat, eat andeat and eat and eat and never
get full.
I get that every month and I'mlike so mad at myself because I
feel like after I'm impulsive.
I will tell you my weaknesswith food is definitely chips.
I noticed a lot of my clients.
You're either a salty person ora sweet person, and what I mean
(11:31):
by that is you're eithercraving really salty things like
burgers and chips and fries, oryou're like a sweet person
where you want cakes and candiesand all of these things, and so
when I go, I literally can tellby my grocery shopping, like
when I'm in my luteal phase andI'm hungry all the time.
Then when I go shopping I tendto buy like a lot of the same
(11:53):
things during my luteal phasebecause of those cravings.
I have these cheddar and sourcream potato chips that I the
Ruffles ones that I buy everysingle month.
I have the sweet heat Lay'spotato chips, which is like this
sweet, tangy, barbecue-ishflavor.
And then they came out withthis new flavor of Lay's which
I'm like why did they do that?
(12:13):
I forgot what it's called.
They said it was like a limitededition because it was Super
Bowl, but then it's been monthsand months and months.
I have to get the name of it,but it is like kind of like a
sweet and tangy chip.
So I know that I normally dothat and I do it impulsively,
because I'll go grocery shopping, put all of these bags of chips
in my grocery cart and thenI'll feel horrible, because a
(12:34):
lot of times what happens isafter you finish binging your
food or whatever, you getinflammation in your body right,
because a lot of the foods,whether it's sweet or salty,
causes inflammation.
When you're inflamed, yourpremenstrual dysphoric symptoms
are worse.
So then I'm like oh my gosh, Ican't believe.
And it's almost like a monthlything where I'm like I can't
(12:54):
believe I did it again.
I can't believe I did it again,because I never feel good about
myself afterwards.
I feel like man, I feel worse,I feel sluggish, I feel
lethargic, I feel like I'vealready gotten weight gain, but
then it happens even more.
So then you kind of think well,I've already been eating and
like a lot of times you lookbloated when you're in PMDD and
so you start eating becauseyou're kind of like well, what's
the point anyway?
Like I'm already going to youknow, look, and feel like this,
(13:16):
I might as well just get what itis that I'm craving and that I
desire.
Please tell me.
I'm not the only one, not theonly one Like please DM me.
And because I know a lot ofwhat I share on my luteal phase,
I will be posting, like my food, on there, and then I'll have
so many individuals that aresuffering with PMDD that are
like DMing me and like what kindof chips are those or what kind
of food is that?
Or because you're in that sameplace of wanting to do what I'm
(13:39):
doing.
You know and this is notsomething that I have mastered
when it comes to being impulsivewith the food because a lot of
times when you do it and I haveto catch myself doing it and
I'll give you the tools that Iuse for myself, but I have to
catch myself because if I don't,I'm just going to continue to
do the binging and it's notgoing to cause me any kind of
(14:01):
satisfaction.
It's almost going to cause meto feel guilty, and so I have to
use the tools that I'm going tocause me any kind of
satisfaction.
It's almost going to cause meto feel guilty, and so I have to
use the tools that I'm going togive to you today.
So the next thing that canhappen when you're being
impulsive, as the individual whohas premenstrual dysphoric
disorder, is you get into thatfight or flight activation.
Why do we always talk aboutthese fight or flight responses?
It's a very common thing whenit comes to PTSD, when it comes
to stress, when it comes totrigger, and PMDD triggers the
(14:24):
body stress response.
So it makes everything feelurgent, like you have to make a
decision.
This is why, when you'retalking about breaking up with
your partner, you're feelinglike I need to leave the
relationship right now, likeit's emergency mode.
So this emergency mode, it canreally affect people in a way
that they act fast andimpulsively to escape the
discomfort of the emotions inthat moment.
(14:45):
So in order to get out of that,you're saying I need to leave
the relationship.
Like it doesn't feel good forus to not have intimacy.
It doesn't feel good for us tobe arguing in front of our kids.
It doesn't feel good for me tobe arguing in front of family.
It doesn't feel good for me tonot be on the same page with
certain financial decisions.
This doesn't feel good.
So you feel the need to unplugfrom the uncomfortable emotion
(15:06):
and so you do somethingimpulsive slamming the door and
leaving the house during anargument without thinking about
where you're even going, whatyou have with you when you're
going to come back, what yourplans are for the day.
A lot of times when you'reacting impulsively, you're not
even thinking about anythingthat you normally had to do for
the day, any of the logistics ofit.
I know when I acted impulsivelywith exes in the past like I.
(15:27):
Just it's like the blinderswere on.
I literally could care lessabout anything else that was
going on.
I just knew that I needed toreact in that moment to get that
emotion out, and it was so.
It was almost like the more Itried to hold it in, the worse
the response has got, the moreimpulsive the decisions that I
made.
And so the next thing that PMDDdoes is it can cause rejection,
(15:49):
sensitivity, dysphoria.
So I'm going to talk to youabout that on a separate episode
.
But basically what it is isit's extreme emotional reactions
to perceived rejection.
So if I feel like you'rerejecting me, then I'm going to
act impulsively.
So this trigger can cause youto have impulsive PMDD breakups
or dramatic actions within therelationship that do not warrant
(16:09):
the specific thing thathappened, meaning you don't get
a text back, and so all of asudden you start texting your
partner excessively impulsively,again and again, and again.
Or you're either texting them alot and saying all of these mean
things because it's what'sgoing on in your head whatever's
going on in your head is goingon to the text or you can block
and delete your partnerimpulsively.
Delete them off of social media, take off the location off of
(16:33):
your phone.
You're doing it impulsivelyafter they don't respond to a
text quickly enough.
You're feeling rejected becausethey didn't give you the
reaction that you set theexpectation for, and so, as a
way to not feel rejected anymore, you in turn block them so that
you feel like you have morecontrol over the situation.
Where it's not like they'rerejecting you, you almost feel
(16:53):
like you need to be in a placewhere I'm rejecting you.
You're not rejecting me becauseit takes away that rejection,
sensitivity, dysmorphia.
That happens when you're inpremenstrual dysmorphic disorder
, specifically in your lutealphase, and so the next thing
that can happen is the need forimmediate relief.
So when you have extreme painand suffering that goes on
during the luteal phase, you aresometimes and you get to the
(17:14):
point and I've been here so manytimes where you are desperate
for a quick relief from theemotional suffering that's going
on in your PMDD relationship.
You're so desperate, you'rewilling to do anything to not
feel the way that you're feelingin your PMDD relationship,
because you're recognizing howit's impacting every other area
of your life and you're like Ijust need to get rid of this
feeling, I don't want to feellike this right.
(17:35):
So it leads to impulsivebehaviors that provide an
instant comfort, right, even ifthey cause long-term harm.
You want that immediately.
I don't want to feel like thisanymore.
What is something that I can do?
So an example of this isspending money impulsively.
When you start doing that, orovereating, like we were just
talking about, or startingintense arguments just to
(17:56):
release the emotional pressure,you're feeling like I don't want
to keep feeling like this orI'm going to, I'm going to spend
all this money on Amazon, right, or whatever company that you
would spend it on.
I know for me, I had to stop,oh my gosh.
I had to stop looking at TikTokexcessively when I'm in my
luteal phase, because I willliterally buy all of these
things off of the TikTok shopbecause they have live people
(18:19):
that you just sit there andwatch them and they're
advertising all of these thingsto buy and I remember it would
be hours that have gone by andI'm sitting there watching this
person clicking and clicking andclicking and I have all of
these packages coming up and Iwas just like I am spending
money very impulsively because Iwas.
Probably I didn't have enoughenergy to do certain things.
If I'm just laying in the bedbecause I don't have a lot of
(18:41):
energy, because I'm fatigued,and I just take out my phone.
I noticed that that was apattern that I was having.
I'm like, well, I can't, youknow, I can't, I don't have the
energy or the bandwidth to doanything else, I'm just going to
sit here.
When I sat there, I spent somuch money.
Did I need all of the things?
No, but it literally gave mymind a mental break from the
(19:10):
suffering that I was goingthrough.
I was suffering with PMDDsymptoms, I was suffering with
fatigue and, honestly, sittingthere watching all the people on
TikTok and engaging like itgave me that feeling of that I
was doing something, even thoughI really wasn't doing anything
except for spending money.
The same thing with overeating.
Like maybe you feel like you'refeeling horrible with your PMDD
symptoms and you feel like, oh,at least I'm getting this kind
of dopamine hit from eatingwhatever I want to eat, and your
partner can also contribute tothat.
Like, maybe they're in a placeof wanting you to feel better,
so they're getting you thesnacks that you want and you're
(19:33):
thinking like, oh, that's a nicething, but it's really just
very impulsive because it'sexcessive.
That's the thing.
When you're being impulsive,it's very excessive, it's very
quick and it's something toreally it, and you're doing
things impulsively in order tokind of block that, because you
want to feel like you don't havethat emotional stress anymore.
(19:53):
And so what I just really wantyou to understand about all of
this is impulsivity in PMDD.
It's not just a bad behaviorlike something that you know you
just shouldn't do or that'sdamaging to your PMDD
relationship.
It's a brain based symptom.
It is literally messing withyour brain and it's triggered by
your luteal face.
So again, I'm not saying thisbecause it is something that is
(20:16):
inevitable.
Like you're always going to beimpulsive, you're never going to
be able to control it.
This is not an excuse to tellyour partner that, oh,
impulsivity is a symptom of PMDD.
So you just need to get overthe fact that I'm acting
impulsive and just kind of like,move on with it.
If you want to be with me, thenyou have to be with the
impulsive version of me.
This is not what I'm saying.
I'm saying you need to be veryaware that this is a trick of
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PMDD that's going to happenevery single month until you
start to use the tools tocounter that, and so what I want
you to do right now is toreally think about what is the
patterns that you're having whenyou're feeling like you want to
make the impulsive decisions.
For me, like I said, it was likewhen I feel fatigued.
I know I'm probably going tooverspend and act impulsively.
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When you're in a relationshipand you do that, that can cause
a lot of issues because, say,you have a budget and you're
like, okay, we're supposed to beworking on this specific budget
, we agreed upon this budget,but then, when you get into your
luteal phase, you're veryimpulsive and you make a
decision that is not within therealms of the budget and then
all of a sudden, you're arguingand you're fighting.
So when that impulsive spendingcomes on and I've seen that a
lot with myself it's to feelbetter in the relationship.
(21:21):
So sometimes what I used to dowas impulsively buy gifts for my
partner or book a trip to fixthe relationship.
I was like very, very, very.
That was a very common responsefor me.
Whenever me and my exes got intoa situation where we were not
on the same page, we werearguing and we're fighting.
I would always say we just needto go on a trip and I love
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booking trips outside of PMDD.
It's part of the core of who Iam, so I literally was using it
to fix the relationship.
I would be like we'll just befine after another trip, but you
can't spend your wholerelationship on a trip, and I
learned that the hard way,because we would be good on the
trip and then afterwards,whenever we would get stressed
out again, it would be goingback to our regularly scheduled
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program and then I was becomingreliant upon that coping
mechanism that I was doingimpulsively, becoming reliant
upon that coping mechanism thatI was doing impulsively.
So if your thing is gifts likemaybe you become reliant on
every single time that you andyour partner get in an argument,
all of a sudden you're buyingthem gifts and you're feeling
like this is a way to fix thesituation, especially if their
(22:25):
love language is gifts thenyou're like I did something
wrong.
Let me buy them flowers, or letme buy them some jewelry, or
let me buy them something thatthey really really like in order
for us to be better within therelationship, and so you can
actually get to a point whereyou're not really working on the
relationship anymore.
You're just patching it up withall of these things like
patching it up with a trip orpatching it up with a gift, and
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then cause you're really justthinking to yourself,
(23:14):
no-transcript.
Like you can get in the middleof argument and then all of a
sudden say I can't do thisanymore, I'm done with this
relationship.
This is too much for me, don'tcontact me again, I'm out and
you're walking out of the house.
You're walking out of thegetting out of the car like
walking out of the restaurant.
When you're impulsive, itdoesn't matter where you are.
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That kind of reaction is justgoing to happen.
And so a client with PMDDsuddenly blocks their partner
after having a disagreementduring the luteal phase.
Like you're blocking them.
You're like I said, you'returning your location off.
You're doing all this becauseyou're not wanting to stay
within the realms of thatnegative emotion.
And so then the next one is youcan have impulsive accusations
of cheating or betrayal.
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You can start to look at yourpartner like you're definitely
hiding something from me.
Or who were you talking to lastnight at 1 am?
Or who are you texting on yourphone?
Now, all of a sudden, yourpartner's texting and you're
looking down at their textmessages.
You're taking their phone whilethey're in the shower or
something and you're looking ontheir phone, you're suddenly
accusing your partner ofcheating after noticing that
they were online and you'recreating a whole narrative in
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your mind that is causing you tosuffer because you're having
this impulsive accusation ofcheating or betrayal, for
whatever reason.
You're impulsivelyautomatically going to your
cheating on me, automaticallygoing to betrayal, automatically
going to that, instead ofasking them about or instead of
just telling your partner howyou're feeling.
I'm feeling a little insecureright now.
I'm feeling a little jealousright now because we're not in a
(24:39):
good place and it doesn't makeme feel good for us not to be in
a good place, because then I'mthinking that maybe you could go
be with somebody else that'snot in this PMDD relationship,
that doesn't have to go throughall this, and I'm not feeling
very secure in this.
I'm not feeling very valued,and so I genuinely am starting
to get you know thoughts of youcheating, and you know I don't.
It's messing with me trustingyou and instead of having that
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open and vulnerable conversation, you're immediately assuming
that it's happening and thenattacking them by saying I know
that you're cheating, causesometimes you can tell yourself
stories in your mind that are soconvincing because you put the
pieces together without actuallyasking your partner and saying
I know that it is and so thiscan lead into the next one,
which is impulsive social mediaposting or blocking.
You're sending these crypticmessages and this is really
(25:23):
prevalent with memes and you'relike if you can't handle me at
my best, then you don't deserveme at my if you, if you can't
handle me at my best, then thenyou don't deserve.
If you can't handle me at myworst, then you don't deserve me
when I'm at my best.
This is one of the most commonones that I see all of the the
just messages and memes that actlike that.
Like, basically, you're notfeeling valued in your
relationship, so you startposting these quotes or you
(25:45):
start posting selfies ofyourself with these captions.
That is just leaking outimpulsively that you're not
happy in your relationship andso when you or you could block
them on all of the platforms,and while you're posting these
cryptic breakup messages whereyou're doing it impulsively
because you're feeling thatnegative emotion in the moment
but you're not understandingthat later on you're opening the
door for all of theseindividuals to be coming into
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your relationship, thinking thatyou're breaking up.
And even if you make up lateron, they're still remembering
the messages that you posted andso it's kind of like you can
say you can be posting somethingon social media.
That's like I'm tired of beingdisrespected.
If you can't love me right,I'll love myself publicly
without you.
Like you get very independentwhen you get on this, this, this
impulsivity, because you feellike you can, you'd be better
(26:29):
off without them.
We're not compatible.
I would be better off withoutyou.
And then the next thing is theimpulsive physical intimacy or
withdrawal.
So I was guilty of this before.
When you feel like you'relosing your partner and you know
what that feels, like that gutwrenching feeling of like I am
losing, they're slipping awaythis relationship.
We've gotten too many fights,too many arguments.
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It's not sustainable, it'sgoing downhill.
You may start to initiateintimacy out of fear of losing
your partner, even when you'renot emotionally in it, and you
kind of just think in your mindor you even say to them which
I've had partners say to me toolike let's just have sex and
forget this fight.
Maybe this will make everythingyou know okay again.
(27:11):
Like thinking that if you havesex that momentary, that
momentarily moment, which may ormay not be pleasurable, because
I'm a person that really has tobe connected in order for me to
enjoy sex or intimacy, like Ican't just turn it on.
And so a lot of times when thatwas used within relationships,
it didn't really do anythingafter the fact, like maybe in
(27:32):
the moment I thought maybe itwas serving my partner, so let's
just do this.
But for me I ended up feelingworse, I ended up feeling
horrible.
So maybe you're in the realm ofwithdrawal where you're saying
don't touch me, I can't standyou right now.
So because of whatever thatnegative emotion is, you're
actually withdrawing fromintimacy.
You don't want your partner totouch you and you're cutting it
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off impulsively.
You're immediately saying youdon't want any intimacy, don't
hold my hand.
You're kind of moving away whenthey go to put their arm around
you or cuddle with you in thebed.
The next thing is impulsivemoving out or packing your bags.
Threatening to leave the houseliterally means you're packing
your bags dramatically as soonas you're in the argument you
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could be in the middle of it andyou're like literally walking
around packing a bag and you'resaying I'll leave tonight.
I'll stay at a hotel if I haveto.
I can't live like this anothersecond You're booking the Airbnb
, you're calling your family,you're telling them that you're
coming over, you're doing all ofthis to escape the negative
emotions that are happening inyour relationship and you're
impulsively adding in otherpeople that are going to be
(28:35):
affected by this decision,instead of you know taking some
time to say okay, if I was topack my bags and move out, how
is this going to impact the kids?
How is this going to impact usfinancially?
How is this going to impact thefamily member that I may stay
with?
Like?
Those are the kind of decisionsthat are made out of.
I don't care about anythingelse, I just need to get out of
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here.
I can't live another secondlike this.
Like this is the impulsivity.
And the next thing is, if you'remarried, maybe you have an
impulsive decision about divorce.
Like literally, maybe we shouldjust get married already, right
.
Like you're saying like, hey,maybe we should just get married
already, right.
Like you, you're saying like,hey, maybe we should just get
divorced before we waste moretime.
So this is what I mean.
It can go both ways.
If you are in the middle of anargument and you're not married
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right, you're not married,you're just dating.
You may say within the middleof the argument you know what,
maybe we should just get married, maybe we should just get
married and just you know, maybethis wouldn't be an issue if we
were married already.
So then you start to projectthat maybe marriage is the issue
.
Maybe the reason why you'refighting and you're talking
about all these things isbecause you're not married.
And then, if you are married,you're thinking maybe we should
just get a divorce before wewaste more time, or I think you
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deserve somebody better, likeyou're not happy, I'm not happy,
let's just get out of this.
So you're kind of using thatpush and pull with either
getting married or getting adivorce impulsively, thinking
that it's going to fix whateverissues that you have within your
PMDD relationship.
The next impulsive thing thatreally does a lot of damage is
impulsive oversharing or ventingto your friends and family
(30:05):
about what's going on in yourrelationship.
The reason why I say this iskind of damaging is because it's
not sustainable long-term.
So you send these longemotional texts to friends and
family about the relationshipwithout consenting with your
partner, if it's okay.
So we're talking mutual friends, we're talking family members
that they're going to see andyou're literally going in there
(30:25):
telling them all of yourbusiness in the moment, because
you're feeling stressed andyou're feeling overwhelmed and
you're saying I can't take thisanymore.
I need to tell someoneeverything right now.
They deserve to know how awfulthey've been to me.
Because you're in that momentof feeling that intense Maybe
it's rejection, maybe it'soffense, maybe all these things
and so you're feeling like Ineed to talk to somebody about
this and you're almost thinkingthat you feel better after you
(30:48):
get it off your chest, butyou're not understanding the
damage that it's doing.
Because, again, when you'rebeing impulsive, you're very
much just thinking about thepresent moment and getting away
from that negative feeling thatyou're having.
And so the next one is theimpulsive ultimatums, the all or
nothing thinking, thecatastrophizing I call it it's.
You demand extreme, immediatedecisions about their future.
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Like you literally like, eitheryou change right now or we're
over forever.
I need to answer by tonight.
Like you have an issue in yourrelationship and, instead of
allowing your partner time tothink about it, you're like no,
no, no, you need to answer meright now or we need to solve
this situation right now.
You're not letting them walkaway.
You're following them whenthey're trying to walk away,
where one of your partner youknow you may be using one of the
(31:32):
tools which is I need to takesome space and walk away and
instead of allowing them thespace and time to do that,
you're being impulsive andyou're demanding.
We need to talk about thisright now.
We need to make a decisionabout this right now or we're
done.
If you walk away from me again,we're done.
And I see this very commonbecause they'll be like Dr Rose,
like I tried to use one of yourtools, which is taking some
space and walking away.
My partner didn't let me andthey made me have the
(31:55):
conversation and theconversation ended up being
worse because we said and didthings within the realm of the
conversation.
Some of it ended up gettingviolent because there was this
impulsive like.
I need an answer right now.
We're talking about this rightnow.
And then the next one isimpulsive self-harm or threats
when you have the suicidalideations and this is a trigger
(32:16):
warning right here.
When you have suicidalideations or even suicidal
attempts because of theoverwhelm that's happening in
the relationship.
It is very stressful to be in aPMDD relationship where you're
not seeing eye to eye and youget burnt out because there's no
break.
You know it's going to happenagain the very next month, and
so you may feel so overwhelmedand say, like, if you leave me,
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I don't know, I don't know whatI'll do.
I can't survive without you,like threatening as if if you
leave me, if you walk away, thenI'm going to hurt myself, which
is basically what you would besaying.
Or you're so stressed out andoverwhelmed within the
relationship and you don'treally you know trust what
you're gonna do.
You just want the pain to end,and so what I want you to do
(32:58):
right now is to really thinkabout when you've gotten
impulsive before.
When you have gotten impulsivebefore, has it given you the
result that you've wanted?
Because one thing that youreally have to do is recognize
how damaging it is, because themore that you connect with the
fact that impulsivity causesdamage, then, when you get to
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the point where you're about todo it, you'll be able to stop
yourself, because you'll be ableto recognize okay, okay, this
is going to cause damage.
I probably should do somethingdifferent.
This is going to cause damage.
I probably should do somethingdifferent.
This is gonna cause damage.
I probably should do somethingdifferent and I'm very big with
you know, setting mantras,because you have to stop
yourself cognitively, you haveto stop your brain from going to
(33:40):
that default mode which isacting impulsively.
So let me talk to you about thetools for impulsivity for the
partner that has PMDD.
The PMDD suffer the 90 secondrule.
So emotions can only last 90seconds is what you do after the
90 seconds.
That keeps that emotion goingand I teach this a lot with my
private clients, because youassume that you get into this
(34:02):
negative emotional state and itlasts so long when really, if
you're able to manage it duringthe first 90 seconds, it allows
the emotional chemicals in yourbrain to settle.
So what this means is, whenyou're using this tool, wait at
least 90 seconds beforeresponding to your partner.
If they're talking to you crazy, if they're yelling, if they're
this and you feel yourselfabout to do one of the impulsive
(34:24):
moves like for me, like maybeit's if I'm scrolling on TikTok
and I find myself about to goyou know, be financially not
responsible by paying for allthese things that I really don't
need I wait the 90 secondsbefore I go to do that, because
I know the pattern of that or ifyou feel like your partner is
yelling at you and they'retalking crazy and you want to
walk out.
Wait the 90 seconds, allow theemotions to settle in your brain
(34:49):
before you do anything, and youcan use this script that I'm
gonna give you.
It says I feel like reacting,but I'm gonna pause for 90
seconds before I speak or actirrationally or impulsively to
my partner.
You literally can tell yourselfthis, whether you say it out
loud or you say it to yourself,it doesn't matter.
You're just letting in and,honestly, you don't have to say
(35:12):
this to your partner, because Idon't know how beneficial it
would be to tell them like hey,I'm going to pause for 90
seconds, like I don't.
Maybe you all have like a.
What I do with my privateclients is we kind of have a
code word, basically for a lotof the tools that we use.
It is I'm going to say thisword and that's going to let you
(35:33):
know that I'm using thisspecific tool without having to
really break it down and explainit, right?
So the next thing you can do iscreate an impulse buffer zone
list List and you know me if youfollow me on social media, I'm
always outside.
That's one of my tools that Iuse.
What I want you to do is createfive safe things that you can
do instead of reactingimpulsively Go outside, go take
a shower, go to the store, goget your nails done.
(35:55):
It doesn't matter how long youdo it, but basically you need to
have five safe things that arevery accessible.
And I say, when I say createthe five things, I like to do it
in a way where you're notdepending so much on external
factors Because, say, if you'relike, oh, I'm going to drive,
but you're not anywhere nearyour car, or maybe you can't
leave the house because the kidsare at home, so you don't want
(36:16):
to create a situation where youhave things that you want to do
to create that buffer but you'renot able to do it.
So for me, going outside andtaking a walk has really, really
helped me.
I have a dog, so I have to walkmy dog anyway and he's always
up for a walk, like literallythe other day we went at like
two o'clock in the morning and Ilive in a very nice gated area
where my condo is, so it wassafe for me to do it.
(36:38):
But it doesn't matter when youstart to feel impulsive, you
need to do something to shiftnot just your actions but also
your environment.
You need to get out of thatenvironment that you're in in
order to create a buffer, inorder for you to use the 90
seconds I don't just mean takethe 90 seconds and stay sitting
there staring at your partner,because it's going to create a
(36:59):
situation where you'recontinuously being triggered.
So you're going to create thatimpulse buffer zone list.
That's five safe things.
So just take some time and thinkabout that right now and just
have it.
Just put it in your notes app,because a lot of times when
you're feeling impulsive in themoment, you don't always have
your journal, so that's why I'malways big majority of people
have their phones on them mostof the time Go put it in the
(37:20):
notes app of your phone.
The next thing is, if you'refeeling like you are about to
send an impulsive message toyour partner, I want you to type
it out the way you would in anormal text message, but put it
in your note tab, not in anactual text app.
Reread it after 30 minutes andthen decide if you still want to
send it.
But I do believe in getting outthe emotion and not holding it
(37:41):
in.
So if you want to type it out,if you want to write it out, if
you want to put it in an email,however, you want to do it, do
it, but then don't send it.
And you can use this mantraI'll write it out, but I won't
send it until I've cooled down.
So you're giving yourself theopportunity to say everything in
the most real, raw way, butthen you don't send it.
Therefore, it doesn't do damagein your PMDD relationship.
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The other one is the PMDD saferwith your partner.
I talked about those a lot.
Just don't do anything supergeneric, like timeout or let's
pause, like please don't dothings that are not in alignment
with who you are and how youwould normally speak, because I
want this to be a natural thingand not something that's super
like woo, woo, because thenyou're going to, you're going to
(38:25):
your ego is going to be likethat's not even going to work,
like that's so stupid, blah,blah, blah.
Like for me, one of the mantrasthat worked really, really well
for me when I'm feeling aboutbeing impulsive is I always say
it, and I think I've said it ona couple of episodes now.
I've been intertwining,intertwining my mantras on here
and I say it all the time.
I say that's a scam.
(38:46):
Whenever PMDD is doingsomething to trick my brain, I
literally say that's a scam.
Whenever PMDD is doingsomething to trick my brain, I
literally say that's a scam.
And it helps me rewire my PMDDbrain because I no longer
believe what's going on, and I'ma big.
When you have premenstrualdysphoric disorder, what you
believe is going to impact yourmindset.
What you believe, what youthink about, is going to impact
your mindset, which is going toimpact your emotions.
(39:08):
So if you buy into whatever itis, maybe it's a rejection
sensitivity and you're startingto feel rejected.
If you buy into the fact thatyour partner's rejecting you,
then you're going to get thatemotion.
If you don't want to get thatemotion, don't lean into a
thought.
So, as soon as the thoughtcomes, just say that's a scam,
right?
The next thing you can do one ofmy yogi, my yogi friends,
taught me this one I isgrounding right the five, four,
(39:32):
three, two, one Name.
Five things that you see, fourthings that you can touch, three
things that you hear, twothings that you smell and one
thing that you taste.
When you do that, you're givingyour brain a break from
whatever the negative impulsiveemotion that you're having and
you're turning it.
You're focused to that.
(39:54):
During that time, the chemicalsin your brain will be able to
calm down and you'll be thinkingmore rationally and less
impulsively.
You can do visualization.
I use this a lot.
It's like your futureself-filter, right?
So if I was calm, what wouldthe calm version of me do, if I
was happy, if I felt free?
I know one of the biggesttriggers for me when I'm feeling
impulsive is feeling trapped.
(40:15):
I'm an Enneagram seven, I'm aSagittarius, I'm a free spirit.
If I feel like there'ssomething going on in my
relationship where I'm feelingtrapped, I get claustrophobic.
And so when I start to thinkabout I need to get out of here,
I need to get out of here.
I will just ask myself, like myto leave right now.
If I was to book a trip rightnow, would that help my
relationship or would it make itworse?
(40:35):
Like literally just askingyourself if you do the action
that you feel like doing whenyou're being impulsive, is that
going to help your relationship?
Is it going to help you?
So you're kind of visualizingthat like what is that going to
look like?
If you're my private client,you know I say that a lot.
Well, you can't just speak tome and say, oh, we're going to
do this and we're going to dothis.
Okay, but what does that looklike?
Because then it gives yourbrain an opportunity to paint a
(40:56):
picture and then, when you paintthat picture, when you
visualize it, you may say, ohwell, that actually won't work.
You know what I mean.
That actually won't work for me.
So then you're able to make adifferent decision because
you've taken that time.
The next thing is redirectingyour physical energy rage and
you're feeling impulsive.
You need to get that energy outright.
This is a lot of times when Igo to the gym thank goodness for
(41:16):
24 hour gyms or I'll go outside, but it's not a situation where
I'll just go outside and dolike a leisurely walk.
If I'm feeling like I have alot of impulsiveness going on, I
will go do sprints.
I'll go, you know, just runreally fast and then walk, run
really fast and then walk, likejust to get to break a sweat and
to get it out of my system.
Or I'll go to the gym and maybedo a HIIT workout or lift some
(41:36):
weights.
I'll just do something and itcan take as little as like 10
minutes, 20 minutes, like youmay feel like staying in that
moment, but you need to get thephysical aspect because what
happens is when you're holdingonto all of that stress, it's in
your body, the trauma, thestress overwhelm, all it's in
your body, the trauma, thestress overwhelm, all of that is
(41:57):
in your body and you're gonnastart to feel it and you're
gonna be like this is whenyou're gonna say, oh, you're
making my PMDD symptoms worseand then set like a no major
decisions rule Most of myclients have this where you're
not making major decisionsduring the luteal phase, we're
not breaking up, we're notquitting jobs, we're not
spending excessively.
(42:17):
Until after my period comes.
Am I willing to address all ofthose things?
Absolutely, but I'm not goingto make a permanent decision
about them while I'm in myluteal phase.
Aka, that's a scam, because youalready know, when you're in
your luteal phase and you'refeeling impulsive, the decision
that you make is probably notgoing to make sense to you or
feel aligned with you once yourcycle comes, when your cycle
comes and you feel that sense ofrelief, at least cognitively,
(42:38):
at least mentally, yes, you'regoing to have the physical
symptoms, but cognitively, whenyou have that sense of relief
where the cloud, the PMDD cloudhas been lifted from your brain
and you're looking at yourpartner and your relationship
with this renewed sense of hope,like I got this.
You're not going to want tohave made all of these permanent
decisions that you now have toclean up the mess from it, right
?
You're not going to want tohave to clean up the mess from
(42:59):
the decisions that you made whenyou were in a state that you
just wanted to get out of it,right?
You wanted to get out of thenegative emotion.
So this is what your partnerscan do PMDD partners.
This is for you now.
Okay, so these are the toolsfor the partner.
Before responding, say you gotthis text message from the
individual, your partner, thatsuffers with PMDD and they're
(43:20):
saying mean and nasty thingsLike let's just be honest, let's
be real, there's a lot of meanand nasty things that can be
said via text message.
When you guys are arguing, Iwant you to wait 10 minutes
before you text back.
I know a lot of times you haveyour read receipt on, so the
partner may have seen that youcan see.
So that creates an issue.
I know for me, what I used todo is I wouldn't click on the
(43:42):
message.
If I knew that I was in thatstate of being impulsive and all
the things, I wouldn't click onit because I don't wanna create
a read receipt.
If I have that on and then mypartner see that I'm not
responding and then that causesa deeper issue.
If I know that I'm feelingimpulsive because we've been
fighting or arguing and all thethings, I wait 10 minutes.
And you know a mantra that youcan use for this.
One is I care about us morethan this argument, but I need
(44:04):
10 minutes to think about itbefore I reply.
I need 10 minutes, 15 minutes,20 minutes, like this is what
you're saying to yourself.
I need some time before I reply, cause I already know, thinking
about future self, I alreadyknow, if I was to respond right
now, the things that were.
Have you ever done that whenyou literally thought about what
(44:25):
you were going to say to yourpartner, like in your mind, and
then you're like that was harsh,like before you even send it,
like you have the awareness of,like I'm going to tell, I'm
going to tell them this, andthen you're like, dang, that was
nasty.
And then, if you don't do it,you're going to be very proud of
yourself that you didn't fallfor that trap, because then when
you're texting, the thing abouttexting is you can always pull
up a text later on.
So it's one thing that can keeparguments going on, because
(44:48):
they'll be like I never.
After you're finished, beingimpulsive for the individual
that doesn't have PMDD, you maysay I never said that to you
because you're not feeling likeyou're in that state of those
emotions.
But what can they do?
They can pull up this textmessage and say, look, look,
look, you said it right here,look what you said.
And then they'll startscreenshotting it to you and
sending it back, and then it'sgoing to cause the argument to
be even worse.
(45:09):
And so if you never send thetext, you won't have that proof.
That's sitting there later onwhen you're in the middle of an
argument or even trying torepair an argument.
So the next one is name it totame it.
So if you're the partner, Iwant you to name whatever
emotion that you're feeling.
I'm feeling angry, I'm feelingpissed off, I'm feeling sad, I'm
feeling rejected, I'm feelinghopeless.
(45:29):
I'm feeling whatever.
You're saying what you'refeeling before acting on it.
So I'm feeling blank.
Acting on it might make itworse.
I'm feeling pissed off.
So acting on feeling pissed offis probably going to make our
relationship worse.
That's the mantra I'm feelingpissed off Like be honest with
how you're feeling, don't try todeny it.
Don't feel like, oh, I got it.
You know a lot of times.
How many times have you gotteninto a situation where you're
(45:52):
like I can talk about this.
You feel like you're capable oftalking about a situation
calmly, but then you end uptalking about it and you end up
going off.
And then you regret it later onand you're like I should have
never brought it up.
Yeah, if you give yourself thatmantra ahead of time and just
say, hey, I'm feeling like this,I'm not feeling good about this
situation, I'm feeling betrayed, I'm feeling like I'm getting
(46:13):
the short end of the stick.
I'm feeling like I'm notunderstood, my needs aren't met.
If you're feeling like that,then acting on it right now may
probably make it worse.
And I'm not gonna get my needsmet by acting impulsively right
now.
The next thing you can do as apartner is have a physical exit
strategy for overwhelmingsituations, and this has to be
something that you agree on soyou can say I need to step away
(46:36):
for a few minutes so I can showup calmer, like right now.
I've said this before whereI've told partners to say this
as well and it's really actuallyworked.
And it's like I love you toomuch to stay in this situation
because I know what I couldpotentially say might hurt you
and I don't want to hurt you anymore than you're already
hurting right now.
Like I see that you're hurtingright now and I'm sorry for my
part in it.
I just need to take some spaceright now because I don't want I
(46:57):
don't want to make it worse.
I'm going to be back in like 30minutes.
Can you, can you please do thatfor me?
Can you just give me 30 minutesso I can regulate myself right
now or calm down, like howeveryou speak, and then that gives
you the space and time byvalidating how they're feeling,
taking accountability andresponsibility for your part in
it, and saying like, hey, Idon't want to make things worse
for you.
Like I already know I probablyhurt you when I said this or I
(47:19):
did this.
Take accountability and I don'twant to make it any worse.
Can you please just give me acouple minutes so I can make
sure that when I come back, thatI'm giving you the respect that
you deserve, right, when youapproach it that way.
It's way better than just youknow walking off and then them
never knowing when you're comingback.
So the next thing is you can usean anchor statement.
This goes back into thegrounding that you can use for
(47:40):
the partner.
This isn't personal, it's thePMDD, and this doesn't mean it's
an excuse.
But when they're reacting in acertain way, in order for you to
not internalize what they'resaying and doing, you can just
say it's PMDD or this is a scamor whatever your mantra is where
you're calling out the behaviorand saying it's premenstrual
(48:01):
dysphoric disorder.
My partner, a lot of times,what can help is showing some
level of sympathy or empathy,like my partner's really
suffering in their luteal phaseright now.
They're really suffering withPMDD right now.
They don't really mean this.
I'm pretty sure we're going totalk about this later on and get
this all sorted out.
The next thing is accountabilitycheck-in right.
This is when, a lot of times,when you're feeling impulsive,
(48:27):
my private clients will reachout to me and send me an email
or book a session to really, ifit's like a situation that is,
they really need to work throughit.
Having that level ofaccountability was saying
(48:56):
no-transcript really workthrough that.
It's better to do that with meversus doing it a lot of times
with your partner, because youmay say or do something that you
may regret later on,impulsively, because you're in
that moment where you're seeinga situation a certain way and
what happens is when we go onthe private session, I'm able to
(49:16):
give you some insight into thesituation from a partner, from
an individual's perspective, ofsomeone who has premenstrual
dysphoric disorder, and thengive you the tools of what you
can do based off of the emotionsthat you're feeling.
So when you do interact withyour partner, it's not in a
damaging way, and so you canalso do the post-cycle
perspective, like, basically,once my partner gets out of PMDD
(49:39):
, what do I want that to looklike?
This really helps because youdon't like where things are
right now in your PMDDrelationship, maybe in the
moment.
But if you're like, hey, whenshe goes into her luteal phase,
like I want our relationship tolook like this.
Well, if you want yourrelationship to look and feel a
certain way, then are youractions, when you act
(49:59):
impulsively, is it going to giveyou the result that you want,
or is it going to make thingsworse, right?
The next thing is you can dohopefully you're tracking your
partner's cycle.
I know things can get tricky ifthey have perimenopause and
it's very sporadic, and I will.
When I say tracking, I don'tmean you put it on your calendar
and you say these are the daysthat you're in PMDD, these are
(50:21):
the days that you're not,because our cycles can fluctuate
so often that you don't want toget too rigid Like I've been in
that situation before wherepartners are like it's the 20th
of the month, like you'resupposed to be in PMDD, where I
wasn't in PMDD yet, but becauseit was the 20th of the month,
they were like assuming no, butit says and it's like you cannot
be that rigid.
Our bodies don't work like that.
(50:43):
We have a lot of ebbs and flowsand so, based off of the stress
that's going on in our lives,our cycle might change.
So I would say your partner'scycle, make sure that you're
asking them in a nicenon-critical way how are you
feeling?
Are you in your luteal phase,getting that confirmation before
you start assuming that they'rein PMDD?
(51:05):
So what I want you to justrecognize from this whole
episode is for the individualsthat are suffering with PMDD.
Impulsivity comes from intenseemotions, right Like the PMDD
rage or the panic For thepartner.
Impulsivity comes from gettingdefensive, from feeling burnt
out or feeling helpless in yourPMDD relationship.
So if this is something thatyou know that you need help with
(51:26):
, I have designed something foryou that is really going to help
you break down all of thesetools that I've been teaching
you, and it's going to help youjust put them into play.
It's called Pause the PMDDPanic your impulse control
worksheet.
What this guide is going to dois give you the tools and you
can customize it to the patternsthat you're seeing.
(51:46):
Like I said, when I'm offended,this is when I'm impulsive,
right, so it lets you workthrough it and it lets for the
partner that has PMDD and thepartner that doesn't have PMDD.
So this is something that youneed help with.
If you want to even book asession right now, during the
month of July, I do have thosediscounted sessions.
So if this is something youwant to work on on a private
session, this would be a goodopportunity to really dig deep
(52:10):
and, instead of you justguessing on the worksheet, we
can actually get to the pointwhere we're saying, okay, this
is the tool that youspecifically need, and then have
your partner do the same thing.
Because what I will say is formy private clients when you feel
like you have a plan, then it'srestoring the hope in your PMDD
relationship, where you're notfeeling like so impulsive, where
you're feeling like you have tobreak up.
(52:30):
So until next time.
We got this, I love you.
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