April 24, 2025 • 48 mins
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The weight of parenting with PMDD extends far beyond our personal struggles—it shapes how our children experience safety, trust, and emotional regulation. Drawing from both personal experience and clinical insights, this powerful episode explores the often unseen impact of PMDD on parent-child relationships and offers compassionate guidance for breaking cycles of trauma.
When we experience PMDD symptoms, our children become emotional sponges, absorbing not just what they see and hear during conflicts, but the energetic shifts that occur during our luteal phase. Even when we believe we're protecting them from our symptoms, they sense the tension—and without proper explanation, they internalize these experiences as somehow being their fault.
What appears as "good behavior" during a parent's luteal phase often masks a child's trauma response. They become hypervigilant, walking on eggshells to avoid triggering your symptoms. This emotional suppression doesn't indicate maturity—it reveals fear. Children sacrifice their own needs to maintain peace, developing coping mechanisms that can follow them into adulthood.
Perhaps most revealing is examining how PMDD affects what we model as "normal" in relationships. If your child came home describing a relationship where their partner treated them the way your relationship functions during PMDD episodes, would you encourage them to stay? Our children learn what to accept in relationships by watching us.
Creating emotional safety despite PMDD requires honest, age-appropriate communication. Rather than gaslighting children by pretending everything is fine when they clearly sense otherwise, acknowledge what's happening. This validation prevents them from developing the belief that they're responsible for managing your emotions—a burden no child should carry.
Ready to transform your approach to parenting with PMDD? Your children's emotional wellbeing depends on it. Reach out for support at inlovewithpmdd.com and begin creating the safe, consistent environment your child deserves.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
So today I want to talk to you about parenting and
your PMDD relationship, and thereason why I really wanted to
talk about this is because oneof the things that I struggled
with the most was knowing that Ihad premenstrual dysphoric
disorder and not causing damageto my daughter.
As a mom, there's a lot ofguilt that goes into having
(00:24):
premenstrual dysphoric disordersymptoms and then when you're
going through issues in yourPMDD relationship, it kind of
adds to that.
And the reason why it was solike really prevalent for me and
really something that I it washeavily on my mind, is because
of the childhood that I had.
So, for those of you who don'tknow, if you haven't listened to
(00:46):
earlier episodes, I had a verytraumatic childhood and I think
when you become a parent and youhave a traumatic childhood,
you're kind of hypervigilant tothe things that are going on in
your relationships, in any areaof your life that could
potentially impact your child.
And so what happened was withmy childhood.
(01:10):
I was in foster care at the ageof three and then I was finally
adopted at the age of five, butin my adopted home there was a
lot of verbal and physical abuse, and I know there's this big
study that's going on.
And by study I mean this kindof thing where people are
thinking that the reason thatyou developed premenstrual
(01:32):
dysphoric disorder or PMDD isbecause you had childhood trauma
.
And those of you who haven'theard earlier, that's what I was
going to get my dissertationand get my doctorate in
childhood trauma, because I donotice that a lot of my clients
do have childhood trauma.
But I cannot confirm nor denythat that is the cause of
(01:52):
premenstrual dysphoric disorder,because I also have clients
that don't have childhood traumaand they still have PMDD.
But I know for those that do,because you have had a traumatic
childhood and because a lot ofyour trauma from your childhood
comes up in your relationship.
When you have had a traumaticchildhood and because a lot of
your trauma from your childhoodcomes up in your relationship
when you have a child, you kindof get to that point where you
don't want to inflict that kindof damage on your child, so you
(02:14):
become hypervigilant.
I know for me one of the thingsthat really hurt me the most
growing up was it was a verbalabuse, and so when I got into
relationships and I was in myluteal phase and I was suffering
with my PMDD symptoms.
I was very mindful of mydaughter seeing me experience
any kind of verbal abuse Notthat I would ever be at the
(02:37):
place where I would verballyabuse her because I just that's
not.
That's not a struggle that Ihave.
But I know I have a lot ofclients that have gone down that
road too, where it's kind ofbeen like they're in their
luteal phase and it's reallyoverwhelming and just like they
would go off on their partner.
They go off on their child andthen there's a lot of guilt with
(02:59):
that and you have to live withthat.
Because I know for me, a lot ofthings that happened in my
childhood didn't come out untilI was older.
It took me getting older for meto really see the damage that
that was done.
And I think that was one of myfears was like, oh my goodness,
maybe my child is not telling meright now, but when they grow
(03:21):
up they're going to bestruggling with this issue
because of something that theyhave seen in their childhood.
And I know for me I just want tobe really honest being married
two times when I originally hada child, I got married really
early.
So I got married at the age of22.
No, no, no, I got married at 21.
(03:42):
I got pregnant at 22.
No, no, no, I got married at 21.
I got pregnant at 22.
I always knew very early onthat I wanted to be a mom, that
I wanted to be a wife, that Iwanted to have a family, and I
don't believe I experienced anypremenstrual dysphoric disorder
symptoms before my daughter.
So when I got into my marriagethat wasn't an issue, that
(04:02):
wasn't a thing that we dealtwith.
And then when I got pregnant, Iwas so nice and loving.
I remember one of my bestfriends she said because she met
me when I was pregnant, like I,she didn't meet me before I was
pregnant.
She met me actually when I waspregnant because she started
dating one of my friends and shewas like you were just so nice
and so calm and all of thesethings would go on around you,
(04:23):
but like nothing could faze youand I was just.
That just reminded me of howpregnancy is.
When you are pregnant, youdon't experience any PMDD
symptoms.
You're the best version ofyourself.
Yes, you have, you know,pregnancy symptoms and
everything like that, but you'rekind of like the best version
of yourself.
(04:43):
And so I have a lot of clientswho, you know, are like
suffering in PMDD, like deeplysuffering in PMDD, and then they
got pregnant and they had thisbreak of like the nine months
where they didn't have PMDDsymptoms and, like I said, yes,
they had, you know, pregnancysymptoms and everything like
that.
But they just experienced thisbreak of having this mental
(05:05):
turmoil and I just rememberbeing pregnant and I was, I was
so loving, I was so open and Iknow that I experienced PMDD
after I had my daughter.
That's when I originally got it, but it was like it was almost
like a buildup and I don't knowif it was an age thing where it
was kind of like revving up,because I do think that as I've
gotten older I'm now 39, that Ido believe the symptoms do
(05:30):
intensify as you get older,especially in perimenopause,
like that's a whole, notherepisode.
But I just remember wanting tohave the most calm pregnancy,
like as soon as I found out thatI was pregnant, I wanted to
protect my child at all costs.
That was my biggest focus,meaning protect her from any
(05:52):
kind of traumatic experiences,because I know what it felt like
, you know, when I was growingup in foster care and in my
adopted home, where I wasverbally and physically abused.
My place was I would lock myselfin the bathroom and I would cry
and I would put my feet.
I would like sit on the cornerof the sink and I remember this
(06:14):
because I went back to mychildhood home and I was like,
how did I ever fit in that sink?
But I would sit at the side ofthe sink, put my feet inside and
I would look at myself in themirror and I would say, like,
what's wrong with me?
What is so wrong with me thatmy parents don't love me Pretty
much?
My biological parents I didn'tfeel loved from them.
(06:35):
My adopted parents I didn'tfeel really loved from them.
I felt like I was a burden.
I felt like I was like theblack sheep of the family.
And so I think when you're achild and you're wanting that
sense of acceptance and you'rewanting that sense of love that
you automatically think, well,it can't be them.
If it's everybody that's, youknow, not showing you that love,
(06:57):
affection, attention,validation, like it must be
something wrong with you.
And I would sit in the mirrorand I would like beat myself up
because I would just bewondering what was so wrong with
me that they couldn't choose me.
And I think that's why, when Iget into any relationship now
that having my partner choose meis so important, because I felt
(07:19):
like when I was growing up as achild I never had parents that
chose me.
I never had parents thatliterally said you know, I think
that you're worth something, Ivalue you, so I'm choosing you.
And that was one of the reasonsthat's actually the reasons why
I've been with all of my pastpartners is because they've
chosen me in a sense of they'vegiven me that sense of security
(07:43):
of like I am choosing you, Iwant to be with you, I'm seeing
the value in you.
And I know that's my Achillesheel, because once I feel that
way, once I feel chosen, once Ifeel valued, then I can do
things like ignore a lot of thered flags, because that's my
childhood trauma, that's mychildhood void, that void that's
(08:05):
there, that's being filled.
And so, when it comes topremenstrual dysphoric disorder,
a lot of things that you dealwith in PMDD make you feel like
you're not worthy of beingchosen because you have this
disorder.
And what do I always say?
Like PMDD is not your fault,but it's our responsibility to
(08:28):
manage.
And so when I was in myrelationships and I was in that
place of wanting to be chosenand wanted someone to tell me
that I'm a good girl and thatI'm good and I'm being a good
partner.
A lot of that had to do with mychildhood.
So when it came to my daughter,I always care about her feelings
.
It's not just about what didyou do in school and what are
(08:50):
your grades and all of thesethings because I remember being
in that place where I felt likeI had to earn my parents' love.
I felt like I had to do certainthings in order for them to
love me, to accept me, and Inever wanted my daughter to feel
that way.
I never wanted her to feel likeshe had to earn my love.
I wanted her to feel safe andsecure that, no matter what
(09:11):
happened, I was going to bethere to love her and to accept
her.
So when you're in your lutealphase, you're harder on yourself
as a parent because you'refeeling the need.
You're kind of hypervigilant.
I need to make sure that I dothis, I need to make sure that I
do that.
I need to make sure that I dothis and what I've noticed the
(09:32):
most because I now have clientsas young as 13 who now have
premenstrual dysphoric disorder.
And I can say this you know,I'm pretty sure my daughter
doesn't mind me sharing, but shegot her cycle at nine years old
and I remember thinking tomyself like once she had her
cycle, like oh my gosh, thatmeans she could have PMDD.
(09:53):
Because as soon as you have acycle it opens the door for you
to have premenstrual dysphoricdisorder.
And for me I just felt likethat's so young, like that is so
young to be dealing with thelevel of suffering that you know
I had, because I know for me Ididn't have it until after I had
her, which was 22.
(10:13):
I was 22 years old and so thebiggest thing for me has been
making sure that she feels seen,heard and validated in all of
the things that she's goingthrough on her journey.
But I know that I have a lot ofprivate clients that when they
are in their luteal phase andthey go off and their child sees
(10:34):
, you know, when their childsees the trauma of what's going
on with the PMDD fights, it doesimpact them, because when I
have private sessions withchildren, some of them have PMDD
and some of them don't.
So what I mean is, I haveclients of individuals where the
mom has PMDD or the partner hasPMDD and the child does not,
(10:55):
but they're impacted by seeingall of the things that are going
on in the PMDD relationship.
And so I wanted to just let youknow today how PMDD
relationship struggles impactsyour children, how it impacts
what's going on with them.
Because I know for me, even ifI wasn't going to get help for
(11:16):
myself and my relationship, Iwould 100% get help for my child
if I felt like they were goingto be impacted by PMDD.
But I also know there's somechildren that you don't really
understand that they're going tobe impacted until later on,
because I know a lot of myprivate clients where the child
is like I don't want to sayanything because I don't want my
(11:36):
mom to feel bad, or I don'twant to say anything because I
don't want them to feel any typeof way.
So they're not really beingopen and honest about how
they're feeling, because they'retrying to be the good girl,
they're trying to be the goodboy and they really don't want
to bring up anything thatthey've seen that is really
causing them to suffer, becausethere's a level of fear there
(11:57):
when your child is seeing you gooff on PMDD rage or they're
seeing you fight and argue withtheir parent.
You know there's a lot of fearseeing you fight and argue with
their parent.
There's a lot of fear, and soI'm going to go over some ways
that the PMDD relationshipissues that you have can really
impact your children and yourrole as a parent.
So what I want to just prefaceis that this episode is not
(12:18):
about shaming you for havingPMDD and ways that you maybe
gone off on PMDD rage or fightsthat you've had, because we've
been there We've all been therewhere we've said and done things
that we wish that maybe ourchild hadn't heard, because
you're so in the moment that youalmost forget that they're
there a lot of times and I'vebeen there before where I'm so
(12:41):
immersed in an argument, I'm sothinking about my symptoms, I'm
thinking about all these thingsand the fact that your child is
in the other room.
The first thing I want you toknow is a lot of times you're
like oh, I don't want to arguewhy my child is in the room, if
your child is upstairs, if yourchild is downstairs, if your
child is outside, they can hearyou, they can sense your energy
(13:04):
number one and stairs.
If your child is outside, theycan hear you.
They can sense your energynumber one, and then they can
hear you when you're arguing andyou're fighting.
So I don't want you to feellike you can hide it.
I don't want you to feel thatjust because they're not
bringing it up, that they're notimpacted, that they're not
affected.
And again, I'm not saying thisto shame you, but I'm saying
this for you to understand theseriousness of when a child is
in those formative years,meaning age zero and until I
(13:28):
would say, eight.
Right, they're forming what thenorm is in the world, they're
forming what relationships are,and then after that, from the
ages of eight to teenage years,they're in that realm of
formulating in their mind whatkind of life that they're going
to live.
What is the normality of what'sgoing on?
You know, a lot of times when Italk to my daughter and she's
(13:49):
telling me about things that aregoing on with her, her friends
and everything like that, andI'm like that's because of the
household that they've grown upin, and so you have to
understand that that becomesyour, your.
You know, ever heard thatphrase nature versus nurture.
What that means is there arecertain things that you can
teach your child, but thenthere's certain things that they
(14:09):
pick up because of theirenvironment.
So a lot of the habits thatyour child is going to have for
the rest of their life is goingto be based on what they see
during those formative years.
And this is why I think it's soimportant to manage your PMDD
triggers in your relationship,to really deal with the issues
that are going on in your PMDDrelationship so that they don't
(14:32):
impact your child, because youcan heal from a lot of things
that are going on in your PMDDrelationship but for your child,
those things are still gonna becoming up.
I have a client and she's soyoung and she was telling me how
she would not come out of herroom and she would not want to
go and get food from the kitchenbecause there was so much
(14:52):
tension in the house between hermom and her dad because of what
was going on in the lutealphase.
She didn't say anything.
So the parents were veryunaware of this, like they had
her come to me because they knewthat there was something wrong.
A lot of times it's oh, mychild has issues with school or
oh, my child has issues withthis, but it's not so much about
(15:12):
the issues that they're havingwith these outside entities.
If your child is having anissue, a lot of times it's not
always about what is reallyimpacting surface level.
It's not about their grades,it's not about their friends or
you know the argument that theyhave with their friends.
It's really about what's goingon in the home.
I always say handle it at thelowest level possible, meaning
(15:35):
handle it with what's going onwith you in the household.
What are they seeing?
What are they viewing?
Are they feeling seen, heardand validated?
And so the first way thatreally having premenstrual
dysphoric disorder is reallyimpacting your PMDD relationship
and your PMDD relationship withyour child is during the luteal
(15:57):
phase.
You may be one version ofyourself.
Right Post period you'reanother version of yourself.
And so this emotionalrollercoaster doesn't just
impact your partner, it impactshow you are as a parent.
If you go more internal, if youkind of shut down or if you're
kind of like a little biterratic during your luteal phase
(16:17):
, they're not going tounderstand why mommy is sad.
They're not going to understandwhy mommy is angry.
They're not going to understandwhy you shut down.
They just know that this, likeemotional energy, has shifted.
And with children, what I wantto let you know, first and
foremost they're always going toblame themselves Any shift in
your emotions and they're notgetting what it is that they
need.
(16:37):
They're always going to thinkthat it's their fault.
They're always going to thinkthat it's their.
You know there's something thatthey need to do.
They're probably gonna feellike they need to fix it and
there's so many things thatthey're feeling the pressure of
doing because your mood isshifting during your luteal
phase, where they can feelreally open and really safe,
(16:57):
during your follicular phase,when everything is going great,
or even during your cycle, wheneverything's going great, or
ovulation.
And then, as soon as you gointo your luteal phase, they
think that they've donesomething wrong and a lot of
times you can even tell themlike no, it's not that you're
doing anything wrong, butthey're still going to feel that
way because they're wanting youto return to your state, that
you are in your follicular phase, when you're like you have the
(17:19):
energy to play with them, youhave the energy to talk with
them and all of these things.
And so the next way that youknow having issues in your PMDD
relationship is really going toimpact you as a parent is you're
modeling unhealthy conflict.
If there's one thing that I cantell you that you need to do if
you have premenstrual dysphoricdisorder is manage how you have
(17:42):
conflict.
And this is something that Ireally had to as I went into the
dating phase after my divorce.
I really had to choose a personthat was able to have conflict
in a way that wasn't going toimpact my premenstrual dysphoric
disorder symptoms.
That was something that I hadto take personal responsibility
for.
What that means is, if Iconnect myself with someone, if
(18:04):
I get in a relationship withsomeone who doesn't handle
conflict in a way that ishealthy for me having PMDD, then
we shouldn't be together, and Iknow that's very harsh and I
know that's very cut and dry.
But I also know what it lookslike for me to be in a
relationship with someone where,when they get into conflict,
they yell and they curse andthey fight and they do all this.
(18:27):
That brings out the worst in me.
When I have PMDD, that rhymes.
It brings out the worst in me.
I already know that that's a mething.
I take full responsibility forthat.
A lot of times.
I don't blame that on thepartner, like maybe because I
always think, like maybe youknow there are people that can
handle the yelling and thecursing and the fighting and
(18:50):
they think it's normal and theythink it's okay and they could
easily get over it.
But I really need to recognizethat's not me.
I cannot be in a relationshipwith someone that yells and
curses and fights and shuts downand stonewalls and it's just
mean and vindictive and bitterand resentful All of those
things just because we're havinga disagreement.
So what you need to know whenit comes to having children is
(19:13):
the way that you handle conflictand you are going to handle
conflict in your relationship.
But the way that you'remodeling it to them is going to
impact the way that they thinkof what's healthy and what's not
.
So a lot of times, if you thinkabout what I tell a lot of my
private clients is the way thatyou're acting in your PMDD
relationship.
(19:33):
If you know your daughter oryour son came home and told you
that their partner was treatingthem the way that you're
treating your partner, or theway that your partner is
treating you, like, would youtell them to stay with them,
would you tell them to be withthem, or would you tell them to
run because that's not what theydeserve?
Well, you can't say one thing,but then they see you accepting
(19:55):
another.
I can't tell my daughter onlybe with someone that treats you
kindly, only be with someonethat treats you with respect,
even when you're in conflict.
And then they see a partnerthat I have yelling and cursing
at me and we're yelling at eachother and going back and forth
because she's not going to gooff of the words that I say,
she's going to go off of theactions that I take.
(20:15):
She's going to say, well, if mymommy could handle that, then I
could handle that.
So premenstrual dysphoricdisorder causes tension, it
causes arguments, it causes fulldown breakdowns, full blown
fights when it comes tocommunication, and children are
sponges.
So they're soaking ineverything that they see,
everything that they hear,everything that they feel, with
(20:37):
the energy shifting in the house, and they learn how to handle
emotions by watching you.
So I want you to think of yourlife as I'm teaching my child
what it is that I am tellingthem that they should accept,
because the words that you saylater on, when they get into
their own relationship, it's notgoing to matter, it's not going
to stick.
What's going to stick is thatversion of you that they're
(20:58):
seeing that you took in yourrelationship.
They're seeing that you tookbeing yelled at.
They're seeing you yelling atyour partner and, yes, you can
go back and apologize and, yes,you can explain to them and say
mommy didn't mean that, daddydidn't mean that we were just
doing.
It's imprinted in their brainbecause cognitively, at the age
(21:19):
where they're a child, they aresponges.
So if your partner avoidsconflict, they shut down when
you have disagreements and thenyou're walking around the house
and they're seeing, you know,your partner giving you the
silent treatment.
This is what I dealt with a lotof times with my adopted father.
I dealt with a lot ofstonewalling where, when I was
(21:42):
on punishment for doingsomething wrong, my dad would
just not talk to me, literallybe in the room and not speak to
me, and I would feel horrible.
I would feel so devaluedbecause he wouldn't even
acknowledge my presence.
He would almost do it out ofspite, because he would
acknowledge everybody else'spresence but mine and that was
his way of punishing me.
(22:02):
And so a lot of times for youthat are saying like I don't
yell at my partner, I don't dothis, I don't do that.
And you think that shuttingdown and stonewalling your
partner by not speaking to them,giving them the silent
treatment, is better?
It's actually worse.
It felt worse to me to get thesilent treatment.
Sometimes I almost wished I waslike I wish he would just yell
(22:26):
at me.
So at least I know that hecares.
Like that's how desperate I gotas a child because I wanted
some level of you know, he seesme, he hears me.
At least he knows that I'm here.
But when someone ignores you,when someone doesn't talk to you
, when they're upset with you,it's almost way worse than them
going off on you because you'refeeling like, wow, you don't
(22:46):
even care enough to even addressthe issue.
And so if your partner lashesout on you and they explode and
they start yelling and cursingand saying all of these things,
your child is absorbing all ofthat.
They're saying, oh, if it'sokay with mommy, then it's okay
with me.
If it's okay with daddy, thenit's okay with me.
(23:07):
Even if you're trying toprotect them from seeing it,
they can feel it.
So that's one thing that I wantyou to know about.
With your kids, you may saylike, oh, if we're yelling and
we're fighting.
You can tell your kids to go inthe other room, you can do all
these things, or you can even gooutside of the home.
I've had clients where they'relike, oh I'm going to go outside
and we'll just talk aboutwhatever's going on and then
we'll come back in the house.
When you come back in the housethey're going to feel the vibe
(23:31):
change.
They're going to feel theenergy shift and change and it's
really going to impact them.
So the next thing is emotionalwithdrawal equals emotional
neglect.
I dealt with this a lot in mychildhood where I, emotionally,
my needs were not met.
It was almost about justmeeting my basic needs.
(23:51):
Are you feed?
Are you fed, like, do you havefood on the table?
And that was just the extent ofparenting.
So I know how hard it is to showup when PMDD is like raging
through your body and you'regoing through your luteal phase
and you're going through all ofthese things and sometimes even
hugging your child can be toomuch because you have that kind
of like, not just thatsensitivity to noise, which is
(24:12):
misophonia, but almost liketouch, like your child.
Touching you can make your skincrawl, just like your partner
touching you can make your skincrawl, just like your partner
touching you can make your skincrawl.
But when this becomes a pattern, your child can start to
internalize this message whenmommy is hurting, when mommy is
suffering, I disappear, I don'tmatter.
Mommy doesn't want to be aroundme, you know.
(24:35):
And this can lead to feelingsof rejection.
And so when your child isfeeling like they're rejected,
they're not valued, all of thisis just downloading into their
psyche, into their cognitivebrain.
And so I want you to, really,when you notice that you're
feeling off in your luteal phaseand you're suffering with PMDD
(24:56):
symptoms and you're feeling like, oh, I'm going through all of
this stuff in my relationshipand it's impacting your
parenting, that's when I want itto be a red flag for you.
I want you to recognize, likeyou know, what like this is
something that I really need tohandle, because I don't want my
child to suffer.
And I always say, if you're notgoing to do it for yourself,
we're not going to do it foryour partner, at least do it for
(25:16):
your child.
And then the next thing isparentific this word is so hard
Parentification and what thismeans is when your child becomes
a caregiver, when your childstarts taking care of you
because they're seeing thestress that is going on in your
(25:37):
PMDD relationship.
When there's a lot of stress,when there's a lot of tension in
your PMDD relationship, yourchild may begin to take on adult
roles Like they're comfortingyou, they're distracting the
other parent, they just want tokeep the peace.
I know for my partner likekeeping the peace is one of the,
or for my child, it's one ofthe biggest things.
She's an Enneagram 9, whichmeans they value safety.
(25:59):
They it's one of the biggestthings.
She's an Enneagram 9, whichmeans they value safety.
They value being in a safeenvironment, a calm environment.
So a lot of times your childcan take on that role of what
can I do to make this householdcalm?
And so they're taking over thatrole, they're taking over that
responsibility and they'refeeling like that's what they
need to do and if they want thechildhood, if they want the
household to be calm, they needto do something about it.
(26:21):
So this may look like maturityon the outside, but it's
actually a trauma response.
Children need to be children.
Kids need to be kids.
It is not your job or yourchild's job to be your counselor
, to be your therapist, tolisten to you talk about what's
going on with the fights thatyou're having with their parent,
(26:42):
and they're not supposed tomanage your emotions and a lot
of times they're going to feellike if that's the only way that
they can get peace within thehome and they feel safe and
secure, they're going to do it.
And so the next thing that canhappen is attachment style
disruption, so inconsistency andconnection.
So in your luteal phase maybeyou're disconnected because
you're feeling more internal,and then when you get into your
(27:06):
follicular phase, you all haveall of this like emotional
availability and you're wantingto be all of these things, and
then it can lead to an insecureattachment style because there's
this push and pull, meaning youget in your luteal phase and
you shut down, are you get inyour luteal phase and you get
irritable.
Or you get in your luteal phaseand you and your partner are
arguing, and so your child isfeeling the need to kind of like
(27:27):
shelter and like, oh, I don'tneed to be around mommy and
daddy, because it doesn't feelgood.
And then when you get in yourfollicular days, you want to be
one big, happy family and you'reexpecting them to just like get
on board with it.
So it means that as your childgets older, they may start to
struggle to trust other peoplebecause they don't know if
you're going to flip and changeat any given moment.
It's going to be really hardfor them to regulate their
(27:49):
emotions because they're nevergoing to feel like it's okay to
be safe, to experience theemotions that they have, because
they're going to be feelinglike it's going to consistently
change and shift.
So having emotional safety inyour home while you have
premenstrual dysphoric disorderis so important, but not just
for you, but for your children.
They need to know that there isa safe place where, regardless
(28:12):
of what happens in the world, Ifeel safe at home.
That was the one thing that I,when I thought about how
traumatic my childhood was, youknow I would come home.
I actually didn't want to comehome.
There was so much trauma thatwas going on in my household
that I would do all of theseafter school activities just so
I can avoid coming home.
(28:32):
I wanted to avoid being in ahouse where there was fighting,
where there was tension, where Iwas always in trouble, where I
didn't know if mommy or daddywere fighting or and they may
even like there were times wherethey were just acting nice, but
I already knew Like as a child.
Your children are very smart, soyou can be pretending like
everything's great in thehousehold.
(28:53):
They know when things are notgood and so it got into a lot of
the next thing, which is thefear-based behavior.
So if you notice that when yougo into your luteal phase, that
your child is being extra goodduring your PMDD times, they're
trying to stay safe.
The reason why they may bedoing extra things for you or
(29:13):
being extra quiet or doing allof these things is because
they're trying to make sure thatyou're happy.
They're trying to make surethat you're calm and they're
feeling like they can controlthat by being a good girl or
being a good boy.
So when children start toassociate your mood with fear,
they learn to shape shift.
(29:34):
So when you get into your lutealphase and you get snappy, maybe
you don't see your child asmuch.
Maybe they're in their roommore.
Maybe they're not asking youfor things that they would
normally ask you for, becausethey're suppressing their needs.
They're suppressing theiremotions or even excitement
because they don't want to makethings worse for you.
They don't want to feel likeyou're going to snap at them.
They don't feel safe, and sothat kind of survival mode is
(29:57):
going to lead to a lot ofanxiety.
Your child is going to haveanxiety because there's no
emotional safety.
There's like sometimes mommy isnice, sometimes mommy's on edge
, sometimes mommy's irritable,sometimes she's really open.
So that's the anxiety is yourchild doesn't know you're
shifting and changing in yourmood.
They're not shifting.
Their needs are the same, andso it can also lead to a lot of
(30:19):
people pleasing right.
They can start to do things tojust make things easier for you,
and so they develop this peoplepleasing mentality and then
they start to disassociate where, if you notice your child, you
might be like, oh my gosh, mychild is so amazing during my
luteal phase.
They're disassociating, they'renot even there.
They're not even there.
They're not even there.
(30:39):
They're not even there, they'renot trying to be there.
It doesn't feel safe for themto be there.
And so they're disassociatingfor one to two weeks because
they hear you arguing For acouple of my private clients
that are in their teens.
They say that when their parentsare arguing they're on their
electronics more and they'realready on their electronics.
But they're already on theirelectronics, but they kind of
(31:01):
just like stay out of their way.
They don't even wanna go to thekitchen to get a snack because
they feel like if I go to get asnack and I do something to
trigger them, like basicallythey're fearing that they do
something to trigger one of youand then it causes you to fight
Again.
Children have the tendency tointernalize everything that is
going on that's traumatic intheir childhood, that it's their
(31:23):
fault, that it has to do withthem, and so another thing that
happens is when you havepremenstrual dysphoric disorder.
It can throw off a lot of theroutines that you have in the
household.
So if you normally do things atbedtime, maybe that's skipped.
If you normally do things likewith playtime, it's very hard
(31:44):
for you to keep a schedule withyour children because you're all
over the place and school prephas been forgotten.
Like your kids are starting tomake their own lunches because
they can't like depend on youguys to do it, and it's just a
lot of the chores that just gomissing.
When you're in your luteal phaseand if you're having issues
with your partner, what thatmeans is you're not getting the
support from your partner,because I know, I know I've seen
(32:06):
this so many times wherepartners are fighting and
arguing, so they're not wantingto ask their partner for help
and support.
And so what I want you to knowis kids thrive on structure and
routine when there's when thatof safety and predictability if
they don't know what's going on.
I have this calendar in my home.
It's called the big ASScalendar, but it's like a
(32:28):
hashtag hashtag calendar and hasall of the things.
It basically is the calendar ofour whole year and because I
have such a busy schedule, I putthat calendar up so that my
daughter she's 15, she'll be 16this year so that she knows
what's really going on everysingle day, and she looks at
that at random times of the day,random times of the week,
random times of the month, justto know what's going on.
(32:50):
Because they need structure,they need stability, they need
to know what's going on, and alot of times when you're dealing
with issues in your PMDDrelationship and you're stressed
out, you're not really thinkingabout giving them that level of
stability.
You're like I'm surviving.
They have food on the table,they're taken care of, they're
getting their homework done, andone of the things that I really
did notice is this hyper-focuson schoolwork.
(33:13):
I homeschooled my daughter.
She's now in the 10th gradeShe'll actually be in 11th grade
in about a couple of weeks andI grew up in a household where
grades and how you acted and allof these things dictated how
you were treated at home,meaning if you got straight A's
(33:34):
or you got good grades, then youwere treated lovingly.
If you did not, you were nottreated lovingly.
And so I kind of got to thisplace of prioritizing my child's
emotional and mental well-beingover her academic achievements.
And what I mean by that isthere's a lot of kids that are
feeling the pressure of I haveto get straight A's, I can't do
(33:57):
this.
Where you're developing thisperfectionism mentality, like,
oh, if you're not getting goodgrades, what are you doing and
why are you doing that and whyare you hanging out with the
wrong crowd?
And then they're getting, youknow, as they get into teenagers
, they're dealing with vapingand drugs and alcohol and all of
these things, and it's likewhat is the stress and anxiety
that's really going on in theirlife?
Where they're feeling like theycan't talk to you.
(34:18):
Because I want you to justthink about this for a minute If
your child did something reallybad, really bad like, say, if
they stole something or they didsomething, are they in a place
where they can really talk toyou about it, where they feel
like you're not going to go offon them?
Because, let's be real, pmddrage is no joke.
(34:39):
If they've seen you go off onPMDD rage, you might say things
that you regret.
Your partner may react in waysthat they regret, and even if
the fight is behind closed doors, they have felt that energy.
So kids will really pick up onwhen your tone is different,
when you're raising your voice,when there's tension in the room
(34:59):
, where there's emotionaloutbursts and it's scary for
them, even if it's not directedtowards them, like you may say
like oh my gosh, I can keep ittogether with my kids, but not
with my partner.
Well, if you're going off onPMDD rage, guess what they're
feeling the same thing too, andso what you're basically doing
is if you're going off on PMDDrage, guess what they're feeling
, the same thing too.
And so what you're basicallydoing is, when you're having
(35:21):
these issues and you're notreally dealing with them in your
PMDD relationship, there's thislack of emotional role modeling
.
One of the greatest gifts thatwe can give to our children is
showing them how to feel andthis is something that I've been
very cognizant of as a mom, ashaving premenstrual disorder as
being in relationships.
I know in my last relationshipI had so much stress and part of
(35:43):
me actually wanted to hide it,like I was telling you about
earlier, like when you can hideit and you think that it's not
bothering them.
But instead of hiding it, I wasvery open with what was going
on because I wanted I didn'twant to gaslight my kid.
Like they can feel the energyis off.
They know the mood is off, theyknow the vibe is off.
(36:03):
But if I just went there andacted like everything was okay
and they felt differently, theyfelt the shift then they're
going to think it's somethingwrong with them.
Like how come I can't justpretend like everything's okay?
When things were not okay, Italked to my daughter and I told
him like things are not okay.
This is what I'm feeling, thisis what I'm going through If
PMDD was overwhelming.
(36:24):
You know, a lot of times whenyou're trying to regulate your
emotions and PMDD, whatever thatlooks like, you're not sharing
it with your child.
They're feeling it, but they'renot hearing it from you.
So, when it comes to emotionalrole modeling.
You need to let them know it'sokay to have bad days, it's okay
for mommy or daddy or yourpartner to have times where
(36:50):
they're struggling, and just tobe really open and honest with
them and saying this is whatwe're going through, but don't
gaslight your child and havethem feel the shift of the
energy and you not talk about it, because then they're going to
think it's something wrong withthem.
They're going to be like man.
Everybody else in this house ispretending like everything's
great but something feels off.
Tell your child what you'regoing through in a way that's
(37:11):
appropriate for them.
Appropriate for them, likewe're going through an argument
right now and you know we didn'thandle it the best way.
If you know that you've gone offPMDD rage and you've had like a
big blow up in a fight, pleasedo not ignore that and pretend
like it didn't happen, becauseyour child knew what happened.
Your child can feel the energyshift.
They know what happened.
(37:31):
Do not gaslight your child andmake it seem like there's
nothing that happened.
And I know there's a lot ofguilt and a lot of shame, but
children are incrediblyself-centered, and what I mean
by that this is not in a selfishway, but developmentally they
believe everything is about them.
So if you're yelling andcursing at each other, they're
going to think that it'ssomething that they did.
(37:52):
And so if the house is tense,if you're sad, if you and your
partner are distant, if you guysaren't doing the normal
routines together, they're goingto believe that they caused it.
But until you tell them thetruth of what's going on, that
guilt is going to stick withthem and it grows and it's going
to affect their self-worthbecause they're going to be like
oh my gosh, if I can't be happyin my house, like where can I
(38:13):
be happy?
Where can I be safe?
So a lot of times when I'm andI'm so grateful for the clients
that I have that have been likeyou know what.
We have gone through a lot oftraumatic things in our
household and I think my childreally needs a safe space to
process this.
And the reason why I've beenworking with children, whether
(38:33):
they have premenstrual dysphoricdisorder or not, is I need to
be able to explain to them whatgoes on with PMDD, why your
parents are acting like this,why your partners are acting
like this, so that theyunderstand that it's not about
them fault and it's not becauseof them, the sooner I can stop
(38:58):
the traumatic roots to be intheir psyche, where they're
starting to feel like they'reless than where they're starting
to feel like there's somethingwrong with them.
I can rewire that when youbegin to get help during the
childhood stage.
As an adult, if they carry thatinto relationships and
situations they may not knowit's going to take them a while.
I know for me.
(39:19):
It took me so long to understandthe root of a lot of the things
that I was going through.
I thought it was because of therelationship, but it really was
because of my childhood.
There've been so many thingsthat have been brought up in
relationships where I thought ithad to do with the actual
relationship and it really hadto do with my childhood.
It really had to do witheverything that I had downloaded
(39:42):
from what I had seen with myparents, what I experienced with
my parents, and so I reallyknow that this is a heavy
episode, but I don't want thisto be a source of shame.
I don't want you to feel likeyou're being a bad parent.
What I want you to do isunderstand the magnitude of
getting help if you'reexperiencing a lot of these PMDD
fights and tension and stresswithin the home and
understanding how it'stranslating to your children,
(40:05):
whether you see it or not,because all of my clients that
are children right now when Isay children from 13 to 18,
they're hiding a lot of this andthis is when you see, like, a
lot of this anxiety, a lot ofthis vaping, you know, uses of
drugs and suicidal ideations andall of these things, because
they're hiding how they're trulyfeeling, because they're
(40:28):
feeling like, number one, thatit's not going to matter.
Number two, they're going toget in trouble for bringing it
up.
And number three, theygenuinely don't want you to feel
bad, like they wish that theycould fix it.
A lot of my clients they wishthat they could fix it for their
parents and they can't.
But you can as the adult.
What do I always tell you?
Pmdd is not our fault, but itis our responsibility to manage.
(40:52):
So if you know that PMDD isreally impacting your
relationship, I want you toreally understand how it's
impacting your child as well.
Because, as I was going throughthis past week and we had
spring break and it's an Easterweek and I just saw my daughter
sitting in the kitchen listeningto music and just singing, and
(41:14):
it was so healing for me, for mychildhood trauma, to see that
she genuinely felt safe in herhome.
When I've been with exes, she'scome to me after the fact, not
even during.
So this is what I wanted to letyou know.
This has even happened to me.
Not during our relationship didshe bring up anything that was
going on, but after we broke upshe was like, yeah, I really
(41:37):
didn't like this about thisperson and I really I heard you
guys arguing and there was justall these things that was
revealed after the fact and Iwas just mortified.
I was like, oh my God, I had noidea that you felt that way and
I had no idea and I almost gotinto the realm of that like
guilt and shame of being like Ishould have known, I should have
(41:58):
picked up on that.
But I just want you to assume.
It's almost better for you toassume that your child is going
through a lot of these thingsthan for you to assume that
they're not, because my childonly told me almost a year later
, after the relationship hadended, how much it impacted her
Almost a year later after therelationship had ended how much
it impacted her the fighting,the arguing, the disagreements,
(42:19):
the tension all of the thingsthat they could feel.
Your children can feel yourenergy way more than you think
and when I was in thatrelationship, I just really was
in that place of okay, I shouldhave done better.
You know you start to beatyourself up.
I should have done this and Ishould have.
It's not about that.
It's about creating that safespace for your child to open up,
(42:41):
and so I want to tell you rightnow, if you're dealing with
issues in your PMDD relationshipand you know that your child
has been impacted, this is notan episode for you to go back
and like repeat it, like go backinto time and say, oh, let me
erase what happened before.
No, have an open conversationof what that brought up for them
, because it's still in there,it's still in their mind
(43:02):
Cognitively, it's going tofollow them and you need to be
able to be in a place where it'ssafe.
I remember telling my daughter Iwas like you can tell me how
you really felt about thisperson.
You can tell me how you reallyfelt about me with this person.
I want you to be honest with me.
I want you to feel safe to saywhat you're really feeling.
And you know, originally shesaid I didn't think that it
(43:24):
would matter, I didn't thinkthat she would care.
That was your partner, that wasthe person that you were with
and I was like and you are mydaughter and you are my child,
and you do matter, your opiniondoes matter and it's not a
matter of saying like, I'm goingto like, break up with this
person, divorce this person, allthose things because of that.
But it's a conversation and youwant your child to feel valued
(43:45):
and you want your child to feelseen and to feel heard, because
when they feel seen and heard athome, they don't have to go out
into the world and try to feelseen and heard with people that
are not worthy of them.
They don't go searching for itwhere they're so desperate to be
with someone that sees them andhears them and they're like,
(44:06):
finally, because you're leavinga void.
I want you to understand thatwhenever you don't provide
something for your child whenthey're in their childhood, it
becomes a void and they golooking for it in their
adulthood and a lot of timesthey may find it in
circumstances and people thatput them in a circumstance that
they're not supposed to be in.
That is not really good forthem, but because they're
(44:26):
getting that void filled,they'll stay in situations
longer than they're supposed to.
Because it's like, finallysomeone is listening to me,
finally someone is hearing me.
But it's like finally someoneis listening to me, finally
someone is hearing me.
But it's like what are allthose things that are going on
with that?
So, if this is something thatyou know that you need help with
, what I want this episode to dofor you the most is to have you
(44:49):
be really reflective of yourchild.
I don't care if your child isas young as two or three years
old or as old as 18, 19, 20.
I want you to really thinkabout how the issues that you've
had in your PMDD relationshiphave impacted them.
What have they seen?
Because a lot of times it'snever too late to have these
(45:10):
conversations, these openconversations, and say, hey, you
know, this is what happened.
How did you feel about that?
How is this impacting you?
And really get to the bottom ofit.
Because the more that you workthrough what's going on with
them, the more they don't haveto try to work through it on
their own and wonder why itkeeps showing up in their life?
(45:32):
Why are they keep having thisissue in their own relationships
, with their own friendships?
And if this is something thatyou know that you need help with
, go to inlovewithpmddcom.
Get those counseling sessionsso that we can really do a deep
dive, not just on what's goingon with you as a parent, but
what's going on with you withyour child, because there, when
I say in love with PMDD, it'sjust as important with your
(45:55):
relationships of being in lovewith your child as it is with
being in love with your partner.
So until next time we got this.
I love you.
So today I want to talk to you about parenting and
your PMDD relationship, and thereason why I really wanted to
talk about this is because oneof the things that I struggled
with the most was knowing that Ihad premenstrual dysphoric
disorder and not causing damageto my daughter.
As a mom, there's a lot ofguilt that goes into having
(00:24):
premenstrual dysphoric disordersymptoms and then when you're
going through issues in yourPMDD relationship, it kind of
adds to that.
And the reason why it was solike really prevalent for me and
really something that I it washeavily on my mind, is because
of the childhood that I had.
So, for those of you who don'tknow, if you haven't listened to
(00:46):
earlier episodes, I had a verytraumatic childhood and I think
when you become a parent and youhave a traumatic childhood,
you're kind of hypervigilant tothe things that are going on in
your relationships, in any areaof your life that could
potentially impact your child.
And so what happened was withmy childhood.
(01:10):
I was in foster care at the ageof three and then I was finally
adopted at the age of five, butin my adopted home there was a
lot of verbal and physical abuse, and I know there's this big
study that's going on.
And by study I mean this kindof thing where people are
thinking that the reason thatyou developed premenstrual
(01:32):
dysphoric disorder or PMDD isbecause you had childhood trauma
.
And those of you who haven'theard earlier, that's what I was
going to get my dissertationand get my doctorate in
childhood trauma, because I donotice that a lot of my clients
do have childhood trauma.
But I cannot confirm nor denythat that is the cause of
(01:52):
premenstrual dysphoric disorder,because I also have clients
that don't have childhood traumaand they still have PMDD.
But I know for those that do,because you have had a traumatic
childhood and because a lot ofyour trauma from your childhood
comes up in your relationship.
When you have had a traumaticchildhood and because a lot of
your trauma from your childhoodcomes up in your relationship
when you have a child, you kindof get to that point where you
don't want to inflict that kindof damage on your child, so you
(02:14):
become hypervigilant.
I know for me one of the thingsthat really hurt me the most
growing up was it was a verbalabuse, and so when I got into
relationships and I was in myluteal phase and I was suffering
with my PMDD symptoms.
I was very mindful of mydaughter seeing me experience
any kind of verbal abuse Notthat I would ever be at the
(02:37):
place where I would verballyabuse her because I just that's
not.
That's not a struggle that Ihave.
But I know I have a lot ofclients that have gone down that
road too, where it's kind ofbeen like they're in their
luteal phase and it's reallyoverwhelming and just like they
would go off on their partner.
They go off on their child andthen there's a lot of guilt with
(02:59):
that and you have to live withthat.
Because I know for me, a lot ofthings that happened in my
childhood didn't come out untilI was older.
It took me getting older for meto really see the damage that
that was done.
And I think that was one of myfears was like, oh my goodness,
maybe my child is not telling meright now, but when they grow
(03:21):
up they're going to bestruggling with this issue
because of something that theyhave seen in their childhood.
And I know for me I just want tobe really honest being married
two times when I originally hada child, I got married really
early.
So I got married at the age of22.
No, no, no, I got married at 21.
(03:42):
I got pregnant at 22.
No, no, no, I got married at 21.
I got pregnant at 22.
I always knew very early onthat I wanted to be a mom, that
I wanted to be a wife, that Iwanted to have a family, and I
don't believe I experienced anypremenstrual dysphoric disorder
symptoms before my daughter.
So when I got into my marriagethat wasn't an issue, that
(04:02):
wasn't a thing that we dealtwith.
And then when I got pregnant, Iwas so nice and loving.
I remember one of my bestfriends she said because she met
me when I was pregnant, like I,she didn't meet me before I was
pregnant.
She met me actually when I waspregnant because she started
dating one of my friends and shewas like you were just so nice
and so calm and all of thesethings would go on around you,
(04:23):
but like nothing could faze youand I was just.
That just reminded me of howpregnancy is.
When you are pregnant, youdon't experience any PMDD
symptoms.
You're the best version ofyourself.
Yes, you have, you know,pregnancy symptoms and
everything like that, but you'rekind of like the best version
of yourself.
(04:43):
And so I have a lot of clientswho, you know, are like
suffering in PMDD, like deeplysuffering in PMDD, and then they
got pregnant and they had thisbreak of like the nine months
where they didn't have PMDDsymptoms and, like I said, yes,
they had, you know, pregnancysymptoms and everything like
that.
But they just experienced thisbreak of having this mental
(05:05):
turmoil and I just rememberbeing pregnant and I was, I was
so loving, I was so open and Iknow that I experienced PMDD
after I had my daughter.
That's when I originally got it, but it was like it was almost
like a buildup and I don't knowif it was an age thing where it
was kind of like revving up,because I do think that as I've
gotten older I'm now 39, that Ido believe the symptoms do
(05:30):
intensify as you get older,especially in perimenopause,
like that's a whole, notherepisode.
But I just remember wanting tohave the most calm pregnancy,
like as soon as I found out thatI was pregnant, I wanted to
protect my child at all costs.
That was my biggest focus,meaning protect her from any
(05:52):
kind of traumatic experiences,because I know what it felt like
, you know, when I was growingup in foster care and in my
adopted home, where I wasverbally and physically abused.
My place was I would lock myselfin the bathroom and I would cry
and I would put my feet.
I would like sit on the cornerof the sink and I remember this
(06:14):
because I went back to mychildhood home and I was like,
how did I ever fit in that sink?
But I would sit at the side ofthe sink, put my feet inside and
I would look at myself in themirror and I would say, like,
what's wrong with me?
What is so wrong with me thatmy parents don't love me Pretty
much?
My biological parents I didn'tfeel loved from them.
(06:35):
My adopted parents I didn'tfeel really loved from them.
I felt like I was a burden.
I felt like I was like theblack sheep of the family.
And so I think when you're achild and you're wanting that
sense of acceptance and you'rewanting that sense of love that
you automatically think, well,it can't be them.
If it's everybody that's, youknow, not showing you that love,
(06:57):
affection, attention,validation, like it must be
something wrong with you.
And I would sit in the mirrorand I would like beat myself up
because I would just bewondering what was so wrong with
me that they couldn't choose me.
And I think that's why, when Iget into any relationship now
that having my partner choose meis so important, because I felt
(07:19):
like when I was growing up as achild I never had parents that
chose me.
I never had parents thatliterally said you know, I think
that you're worth something, Ivalue you, so I'm choosing you.
And that was one of the reasonsthat's actually the reasons why
I've been with all of my pastpartners is because they've
chosen me in a sense of they'vegiven me that sense of security
(07:43):
of like I am choosing you, Iwant to be with you, I'm seeing
the value in you.
And I know that's my Achillesheel, because once I feel that
way, once I feel chosen, once Ifeel valued, then I can do
things like ignore a lot of thered flags, because that's my
childhood trauma, that's mychildhood void, that void that's
(08:05):
there, that's being filled.
And so, when it comes topremenstrual dysphoric disorder,
a lot of things that you dealwith in PMDD make you feel like
you're not worthy of beingchosen because you have this
disorder.
And what do I always say?
Like PMDD is not your fault,but it's our responsibility to
(08:28):
manage.
And so when I was in myrelationships and I was in that
place of wanting to be chosenand wanted someone to tell me
that I'm a good girl and thatI'm good and I'm being a good
partner.
A lot of that had to do with mychildhood.
So when it came to my daughter,I always care about her feelings
.
It's not just about what didyou do in school and what are
(08:50):
your grades and all of thesethings because I remember being
in that place where I felt likeI had to earn my parents' love.
I felt like I had to do certainthings in order for them to
love me, to accept me, and Inever wanted my daughter to feel
that way.
I never wanted her to feel likeshe had to earn my love.
I wanted her to feel safe andsecure that, no matter what
(09:11):
happened, I was going to bethere to love her and to accept
her.
So when you're in your lutealphase, you're harder on yourself
as a parent because you'refeeling the need.
You're kind of hypervigilant.
I need to make sure that I dothis, I need to make sure that I
do that.
I need to make sure that I dothis and what I've noticed the
(09:32):
most because I now have clientsas young as 13 who now have
premenstrual dysphoric disorder.
And I can say this you know,I'm pretty sure my daughter
doesn't mind me sharing, but shegot her cycle at nine years old
and I remember thinking tomyself like once she had her
cycle, like oh my gosh, thatmeans she could have PMDD.
(09:53):
Because as soon as you have acycle it opens the door for you
to have premenstrual dysphoricdisorder.
And for me I just felt likethat's so young, like that is so
young to be dealing with thelevel of suffering that you know
I had, because I know for me Ididn't have it until after I had
her, which was 22.
(10:13):
I was 22 years old and so thebiggest thing for me has been
making sure that she feels seen,heard and validated in all of
the things that she's goingthrough on her journey.
But I know that I have a lot ofprivate clients that when they
are in their luteal phase andthey go off and their child sees
(10:34):
, you know, when their childsees the trauma of what's going
on with the PMDD fights, it doesimpact them, because when I
have private sessions withchildren, some of them have PMDD
and some of them don't.
So what I mean is, I haveclients of individuals where the
mom has PMDD or the partner hasPMDD and the child does not,
(10:55):
but they're impacted by seeingall of the things that are going
on in the PMDD relationship.
And so I wanted to just let youknow today how PMDD
relationship struggles impactsyour children, how it impacts
what's going on with them.
Because I know for me, even ifI wasn't going to get help for
(11:16):
myself and my relationship, Iwould 100% get help for my child
if I felt like they were goingto be impacted by PMDD.
But I also know there's somechildren that you don't really
understand that they're going tobe impacted until later on,
because I know a lot of myprivate clients where the child
is like I don't want to sayanything because I don't want my
(11:36):
mom to feel bad, or I don'twant to say anything because I
don't want them to feel any typeof way.
So they're not really beingopen and honest about how
they're feeling, because they'retrying to be the good girl,
they're trying to be the goodboy and they really don't want
to bring up anything thatthey've seen that is really
causing them to suffer, becausethere's a level of fear there
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when your child is seeing you gooff on PMDD rage or they're
seeing you fight and argue withtheir parent.
You know there's a lot of fearseeing you fight and argue with
their parent.
There's a lot of fear, and soI'm going to go over some ways
that the PMDD relationshipissues that you have can really
impact your children and yourrole as a parent.
So what I want to just prefaceis that this episode is not
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about shaming you for havingPMDD and ways that you maybe
gone off on PMDD rage or fightsthat you've had, because we've
been there We've all been therewhere we've said and done things
that we wish that maybe ourchild hadn't heard, because
you're so in the moment that youalmost forget that they're
there a lot of times and I'vebeen there before where I'm so
(12:41):
immersed in an argument, I'm sothinking about my symptoms, I'm
thinking about all these thingsand the fact that your child is
in the other room.
The first thing I want you toknow is a lot of times you're
like oh, I don't want to arguewhy my child is in the room, if
your child is upstairs, if yourchild is downstairs, if your
child is outside, they can hearyou, they can sense your energy
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number one and stairs.
If your child is outside, theycan hear you.
They can sense your energynumber one, and then they can
hear you when you're arguing andyou're fighting.
So I don't want you to feellike you can hide it.
I don't want you to feel thatjust because they're not
bringing it up, that they're notimpacted, that they're not
affected.
And again, I'm not saying thisto shame you, but I'm saying
this for you to understand theseriousness of when a child is
in those formative years,meaning age zero and until I
(13:28):
would say, eight.
Right, they're forming what thenorm is in the world, they're
forming what relationships are,and then after that, from the
ages of eight to teenage years,they're in that realm of
formulating in their mind whatkind of life that they're going
to live.
What is the normality of what'sgoing on?
You know, a lot of times when Italk to my daughter and she's
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telling me about things that aregoing on with her, her friends
and everything like that, andI'm like that's because of the
household that they've grown upin, and so you have to
understand that that becomesyour, your.
You know, ever heard thatphrase nature versus nurture.
What that means is there arecertain things that you can
teach your child, but thenthere's certain things that they
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pick up because of theirenvironment.
So a lot of the habits thatyour child is going to have for
the rest of their life is goingto be based on what they see
during those formative years.
And this is why I think it's soimportant to manage your PMDD
triggers in your relationship,to really deal with the issues
that are going on in your PMDDrelationship so that they don't
(14:32):
impact your child, because youcan heal from a lot of things
that are going on in your PMDDrelationship but for your child,
those things are still gonna becoming up.
I have a client and she's soyoung and she was telling me how
she would not come out of herroom and she would not want to
go and get food from the kitchenbecause there was so much
(14:52):
tension in the house between hermom and her dad because of what
was going on in the lutealphase.
She didn't say anything.
So the parents were veryunaware of this, like they had
her come to me because they knewthat there was something wrong.
A lot of times it's oh, mychild has issues with school or
oh, my child has issues withthis, but it's not so much about
(15:12):
the issues that they're havingwith these outside entities.
If your child is having anissue, a lot of times it's not
always about what is reallyimpacting surface level.
It's not about their grades,it's not about their friends or
you know the argument that theyhave with their friends.
It's really about what's goingon in the home.
I always say handle it at thelowest level possible, meaning
(15:35):
handle it with what's going onwith you in the household.
What are they seeing?
What are they viewing?
Are they feeling seen, heardand validated?
And so the first way thatreally having premenstrual
dysphoric disorder is reallyimpacting your PMDD relationship
and your PMDD relationship withyour child is during the luteal
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phase.
You may be one version ofyourself.
Right Post period you'reanother version of yourself.
And so this emotionalrollercoaster doesn't just
impact your partner, it impactshow you are as a parent.
If you go more internal, if youkind of shut down or if you're
kind of like a little biterratic during your luteal phase
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, they're not going tounderstand why mommy is sad.
They're not going to understandwhy mommy is angry.
They're not going to understandwhy you shut down.
They just know that this, likeemotional energy, has shifted.
And with children, what I wantto let you know, first and
foremost they're always going toblame themselves Any shift in
your emotions and they're notgetting what it is that they
need.
(16:37):
They're always going to thinkthat it's their fault.
They're always going to thinkthat it's their.
You know there's something thatthey need to do.
They're probably gonna feellike they need to fix it and
there's so many things thatthey're feeling the pressure of
doing because your mood isshifting during your luteal
phase, where they can feelreally open and really safe,
(16:57):
during your follicular phase,when everything is going great,
or even during your cycle, wheneverything's going great, or
ovulation.
And then, as soon as you gointo your luteal phase, they
think that they've donesomething wrong and a lot of
times you can even tell themlike no, it's not that you're
doing anything wrong, butthey're still going to feel that
way because they're wanting youto return to your state, that
you are in your follicular phase, when you're like you have the
(17:19):
energy to play with them, youhave the energy to talk with
them and all of these things.
And so the next way that youknow having issues in your PMDD
relationship is really going toimpact you as a parent is you're
modeling unhealthy conflict.
If there's one thing that I cantell you that you need to do if
you have premenstrual dysphoricdisorder is manage how you have
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conflict.
And this is something that Ireally had to as I went into the
dating phase after my divorce.
I really had to choose a personthat was able to have conflict
in a way that wasn't going toimpact my premenstrual dysphoric
disorder symptoms.
That was something that I hadto take personal responsibility
for.
What that means is, if Iconnect myself with someone, if
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I get in a relationship withsomeone who doesn't handle
conflict in a way that ishealthy for me having PMDD, then
we shouldn't be together, and Iknow that's very harsh and I
know that's very cut and dry.
But I also know what it lookslike for me to be in a
relationship with someone where,when they get into conflict,
they yell and they curse andthey fight and they do all this.
(18:27):
That brings out the worst in me.
When I have PMDD, that rhymes.
It brings out the worst in me.
I already know that that's a mething.
I take full responsibility forthat.
A lot of times.
I don't blame that on thepartner, like maybe because I
always think, like maybe youknow there are people that can
handle the yelling and thecursing and the fighting and
(18:50):
they think it's normal and theythink it's okay and they could
easily get over it.
But I really need to recognizethat's not me.
I cannot be in a relationshipwith someone that yells and
curses and fights and shuts downand stonewalls and it's just
mean and vindictive and bitterand resentful All of those
things just because we're havinga disagreement.
So what you need to know whenit comes to having children is
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the way that you handle conflictand you are going to handle
conflict in your relationship.
But the way that you'remodeling it to them is going to
impact the way that they thinkof what's healthy and what's not
.
So a lot of times, if you thinkabout what I tell a lot of my
private clients is the way thatyou're acting in your PMDD
relationship.
(19:33):
If you know your daughter oryour son came home and told you
that their partner was treatingthem the way that you're
treating your partner, or theway that your partner is
treating you, like, would youtell them to stay with them,
would you tell them to be withthem, or would you tell them to
run because that's not what theydeserve?
Well, you can't say one thing,but then they see you accepting
(19:55):
another.
I can't tell my daughter onlybe with someone that treats you
kindly, only be with someonethat treats you with respect,
even when you're in conflict.
And then they see a partnerthat I have yelling and cursing
at me and we're yelling at eachother and going back and forth
because she's not going to gooff of the words that I say,
she's going to go off of theactions that I take.
(20:15):
She's going to say, well, if mymommy could handle that, then I
could handle that.
So premenstrual dysphoricdisorder causes tension, it
causes arguments, it causes fulldown breakdowns, full blown
fights when it comes tocommunication, and children are
sponges.
So they're soaking ineverything that they see,
everything that they hear,everything that they feel, with
(20:37):
the energy shifting in the house, and they learn how to handle
emotions by watching you.
So I want you to think of yourlife as I'm teaching my child
what it is that I am tellingthem that they should accept,
because the words that you saylater on, when they get into
their own relationship, it's notgoing to matter, it's not going
to stick.
What's going to stick is thatversion of you that they're
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seeing that you took in yourrelationship.
They're seeing that you tookbeing yelled at.
They're seeing you yelling atyour partner and, yes, you can
go back and apologize and, yes,you can explain to them and say
mommy didn't mean that, daddydidn't mean that we were just
doing.
It's imprinted in their brainbecause cognitively, at the age
(21:19):
where they're a child, they aresponges.
So if your partner avoidsconflict, they shut down when
you have disagreements and thenyou're walking around the house
and they're seeing, you know,your partner giving you the
silent treatment.
This is what I dealt with a lotof times with my adopted father.
I dealt with a lot ofstonewalling where, when I was
(21:42):
on punishment for doingsomething wrong, my dad would
just not talk to me, literallybe in the room and not speak to
me, and I would feel horrible.
I would feel so devaluedbecause he wouldn't even
acknowledge my presence.
He would almost do it out ofspite, because he would
acknowledge everybody else'spresence but mine and that was
his way of punishing me.
(22:02):
And so a lot of times for youthat are saying like I don't
yell at my partner, I don't dothis, I don't do that.
And you think that shuttingdown and stonewalling your
partner by not speaking to them,giving them the silent
treatment, is better?
It's actually worse.
It felt worse to me to get thesilent treatment.
Sometimes I almost wished I waslike I wish he would just yell
(22:26):
at me.
So at least I know that hecares.
Like that's how desperate I gotas a child because I wanted
some level of you know, he seesme, he hears me.
At least he knows that I'm here.
But when someone ignores you,when someone doesn't talk to you
, when they're upset with you,it's almost way worse than them
going off on you because you'refeeling like, wow, you don't
(22:46):
even care enough to even addressthe issue.
And so if your partner lashesout on you and they explode and
they start yelling and cursingand saying all of these things,
your child is absorbing all ofthat.
They're saying, oh, if it'sokay with mommy, then it's okay
with me.
If it's okay with daddy, thenit's okay with me.
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Even if you're trying toprotect them from seeing it,
they can feel it.
So that's one thing that I wantyou to know about.
With your kids, you may saylike, oh, if we're yelling and
we're fighting.
You can tell your kids to go inthe other room, you can do all
these things, or you can even gooutside of the home.
I've had clients where they'relike, oh I'm going to go outside
and we'll just talk aboutwhatever's going on and then
we'll come back in the house.
When you come back in the housethey're going to feel the vibe
(23:31):
change.
They're going to feel theenergy shift and change and it's
really going to impact them.
So the next thing is emotionalwithdrawal equals emotional
neglect.
I dealt with this a lot in mychildhood where I, emotionally,
my needs were not met.
It was almost about justmeeting my basic needs.
(23:51):
Are you feed?
Are you fed, like, do you havefood on the table?
And that was just the extent ofparenting.
So I know how hard it is to showup when PMDD is like raging
through your body and you'regoing through your luteal phase
and you're going through all ofthese things and sometimes even
hugging your child can be toomuch because you have that kind
of like, not just thatsensitivity to noise, which is
(24:12):
misophonia, but almost liketouch, like your child.
Touching you can make your skincrawl, just like your partner
touching you can make your skincrawl, just like your partner
touching you can make your skincrawl.
But when this becomes a pattern, your child can start to
internalize this message whenmommy is hurting, when mommy is
suffering, I disappear, I don'tmatter.
Mommy doesn't want to be aroundme, you know.
(24:35):
And this can lead to feelingsof rejection.
And so when your child isfeeling like they're rejected,
they're not valued, all of thisis just downloading into their
psyche, into their cognitivebrain.
And so I want you to, really,when you notice that you're
feeling off in your luteal phaseand you're suffering with PMDD
(24:56):
symptoms and you're feeling like, oh, I'm going through all of
this stuff in my relationshipand it's impacting your
parenting, that's when I want itto be a red flag for you.
I want you to recognize, likeyou know, what like this is
something that I really need tohandle, because I don't want my
child to suffer.
And I always say, if you're notgoing to do it for yourself,
we're not going to do it foryour partner, at least do it for
(25:16):
your child.
And then the next thing isparentific this word is so hard
Parentification and what thismeans is when your child becomes
a caregiver, when your childstarts taking care of you
because they're seeing thestress that is going on in your
(25:37):
PMDD relationship.
When there's a lot of stress,when there's a lot of tension in
your PMDD relationship, yourchild may begin to take on adult
roles Like they're comfortingyou, they're distracting the
other parent, they just want tokeep the peace.
I know for my partner likekeeping the peace is one of the,
or for my child, it's one ofthe biggest things.
She's an Enneagram 9, whichmeans they value safety.
(25:59):
They it's one of the biggestthings.
She's an Enneagram 9, whichmeans they value safety.
They value being in a safeenvironment, a calm environment.
So a lot of times your childcan take on that role of what
can I do to make this householdcalm?
And so they're taking over thatrole, they're taking over that
responsibility and they'refeeling like that's what they
need to do and if they want thechildhood, if they want the
household to be calm, they needto do something about it.
(26:21):
So this may look like maturityon the outside, but it's
actually a trauma response.
Children need to be children.
Kids need to be kids.
It is not your job or yourchild's job to be your counselor
, to be your therapist, tolisten to you talk about what's
going on with the fights thatyou're having with their parent,
(26:42):
and they're not supposed tomanage your emotions and a lot
of times they're going to feellike if that's the only way that
they can get peace within thehome and they feel safe and
secure, they're going to do it.
And so the next thing that canhappen is attachment style
disruption, so inconsistency andconnection.
So in your luteal phase maybeyou're disconnected because
you're feeling more internal,and then when you get into your
(27:06):
follicular phase, you all haveall of this like emotional
availability and you're wantingto be all of these things, and
then it can lead to an insecureattachment style because there's
this push and pull, meaning youget in your luteal phase and
you shut down, are you get inyour luteal phase and you get
irritable.
Or you get in your luteal phaseand you and your partner are
arguing, and so your child isfeeling the need to kind of like
(27:27):
shelter and like, oh, I don'tneed to be around mommy and
daddy, because it doesn't feelgood.
And then when you get in yourfollicular days, you want to be
one big, happy family and you'reexpecting them to just like get
on board with it.
So it means that as your childgets older, they may start to
struggle to trust other peoplebecause they don't know if
you're going to flip and changeat any given moment.
It's going to be really hardfor them to regulate their
(27:49):
emotions because they're nevergoing to feel like it's okay to
be safe, to experience theemotions that they have, because
they're going to be feelinglike it's going to consistently
change and shift.
So having emotional safety inyour home while you have
premenstrual dysphoric disorderis so important, but not just
for you, but for your children.
They need to know that there isa safe place where, regardless
(28:12):
of what happens in the world, Ifeel safe at home.
That was the one thing that I,when I thought about how
traumatic my childhood was, youknow I would come home.
I actually didn't want to comehome.
There was so much trauma thatwas going on in my household
that I would do all of theseafter school activities just so
I can avoid coming home.
(28:32):
I wanted to avoid being in ahouse where there was fighting,
where there was tension, where Iwas always in trouble, where I
didn't know if mommy or daddywere fighting or and they may
even like there were times wherethey were just acting nice, but
I already knew Like as a child.
Your children are very smart, soyou can be pretending like
everything's great in thehousehold.
(28:53):
They know when things are notgood and so it got into a lot of
the next thing, which is thefear-based behavior.
So if you notice that when yougo into your luteal phase, that
your child is being extra goodduring your PMDD times, they're
trying to stay safe.
The reason why they may bedoing extra things for you or
(29:13):
being extra quiet or doing allof these things is because
they're trying to make sure thatyou're happy.
They're trying to make surethat you're calm and they're
feeling like they can controlthat by being a good girl or
being a good boy.
So when children start toassociate your mood with fear,
they learn to shape shift.
(29:34):
So when you get into your lutealphase and you get snappy, maybe
you don't see your child asmuch.
Maybe they're in their roommore.
Maybe they're not asking youfor things that they would
normally ask you for, becausethey're suppressing their needs.
They're suppressing theiremotions or even excitement
because they don't want to makethings worse for you.
They don't want to feel likeyou're going to snap at them.
They don't feel safe, and sothat kind of survival mode is
(29:57):
going to lead to a lot ofanxiety.
Your child is going to haveanxiety because there's no
emotional safety.
There's like sometimes mommy isnice, sometimes mommy's on edge
, sometimes mommy's irritable,sometimes she's really open.
So that's the anxiety is yourchild doesn't know you're
shifting and changing in yourmood.
They're not shifting.
Their needs are the same, andso it can also lead to a lot of
(30:19):
people pleasing right.
They can start to do things tojust make things easier for you,
and so they develop this peoplepleasing mentality and then
they start to disassociate where, if you notice your child, you
might be like, oh my gosh, mychild is so amazing during my
luteal phase.
They're disassociating, they'renot even there.
They're not even there.
They're not even there.
(30:39):
They're not even there, they'renot trying to be there.
It doesn't feel safe for themto be there.
And so they're disassociatingfor one to two weeks because
they hear you arguing For acouple of my private clients
that are in their teens.
They say that when their parentsare arguing they're on their
electronics more and they'realready on their electronics.
But they're already on theirelectronics, but they kind of
(31:01):
just like stay out of their way.
They don't even wanna go to thekitchen to get a snack because
they feel like if I go to get asnack and I do something to
trigger them, like basicallythey're fearing that they do
something to trigger one of youand then it causes you to fight
Again.
Children have the tendency tointernalize everything that is
going on that's traumatic intheir childhood, that it's their
(31:23):
fault, that it has to do withthem, and so another thing that
happens is when you havepremenstrual dysphoric disorder.
It can throw off a lot of theroutines that you have in the
household.
So if you normally do things atbedtime, maybe that's skipped.
If you normally do things likewith playtime, it's very hard
(31:44):
for you to keep a schedule withyour children because you're all
over the place and school prephas been forgotten.
Like your kids are starting tomake their own lunches because
they can't like depend on youguys to do it, and it's just a
lot of the chores that just gomissing.
When you're in your luteal phaseand if you're having issues
with your partner, what thatmeans is you're not getting the
support from your partner,because I know, I know I've seen
(32:06):
this so many times wherepartners are fighting and
arguing, so they're not wantingto ask their partner for help
and support.
And so what I want you to knowis kids thrive on structure and
routine when there's when thatof safety and predictability if
they don't know what's going on.
I have this calendar in my home.
It's called the big ASScalendar, but it's like a
(32:28):
hashtag hashtag calendar and hasall of the things.
It basically is the calendar ofour whole year and because I
have such a busy schedule, I putthat calendar up so that my
daughter she's 15, she'll be 16this year so that she knows
what's really going on everysingle day, and she looks at
that at random times of the day,random times of the week,
random times of the month, justto know what's going on.
(32:50):
Because they need structure,they need stability, they need
to know what's going on, and alot of times when you're dealing
with issues in your PMDDrelationship and you're stressed
out, you're not really thinkingabout giving them that level of
stability.
You're like I'm surviving.
They have food on the table,they're taken care of, they're
getting their homework done, andone of the things that I really
did notice is this hyper-focuson schoolwork.
(33:13):
I homeschooled my daughter.
She's now in the 10th gradeShe'll actually be in 11th grade
in about a couple of weeks andI grew up in a household where
grades and how you acted and allof these things dictated how
you were treated at home,meaning if you got straight A's
(33:34):
or you got good grades, then youwere treated lovingly.
If you did not, you were nottreated lovingly.
And so I kind of got to thisplace of prioritizing my child's
emotional and mental well-beingover her academic achievements.
And what I mean by that isthere's a lot of kids that are
feeling the pressure of I haveto get straight A's, I can't do
(33:57):
this.
Where you're developing thisperfectionism mentality, like,
oh, if you're not getting goodgrades, what are you doing and
why are you doing that and whyare you hanging out with the
wrong crowd?
And then they're getting, youknow, as they get into teenagers
, they're dealing with vapingand drugs and alcohol and all of
these things, and it's likewhat is the stress and anxiety
that's really going on in theirlife?
Where they're feeling like theycan't talk to you.
(34:18):
Because I want you to justthink about this for a minute If
your child did something reallybad, really bad like, say, if
they stole something or they didsomething, are they in a place
where they can really talk toyou about it, where they feel
like you're not going to go offon them?
Because, let's be real, pmddrage is no joke.
(34:39):
If they've seen you go off onPMDD rage, you might say things
that you regret.
Your partner may react in waysthat they regret, and even if
the fight is behind closed doors, they have felt that energy.
So kids will really pick up onwhen your tone is different,
when you're raising your voice,when there's tension in the room
(34:59):
, where there's emotionaloutbursts and it's scary for
them, even if it's not directedtowards them, like you may say
like oh my gosh, I can keep ittogether with my kids, but not
with my partner.
Well, if you're going off onPMDD rage, guess what they're
feeling the same thing too, andso what you're basically doing
is if you're going off on PMDDrage, guess what they're feeling
, the same thing too.
And so what you're basicallydoing is, when you're having
(35:21):
these issues and you're notreally dealing with them in your
PMDD relationship, there's thislack of emotional role modeling
.
One of the greatest gifts thatwe can give to our children is
showing them how to feel andthis is something that I've been
very cognizant of as a mom, ashaving premenstrual disorder as
being in relationships.
I know in my last relationshipI had so much stress and part of
(35:43):
me actually wanted to hide it,like I was telling you about
earlier, like when you can hideit and you think that it's not
bothering them.
But instead of hiding it, I wasvery open with what was going
on because I wanted I didn'twant to gaslight my kid.
Like they can feel the energyis off.
They know the mood is off, theyknow the vibe is off.
(36:03):
But if I just went there andacted like everything was okay
and they felt differently, theyfelt the shift then they're
going to think it's somethingwrong with them.
Like how come I can't justpretend like everything's okay?
When things were not okay, Italked to my daughter and I told
him like things are not okay.
This is what I'm feeling, thisis what I'm going through If
PMDD was overwhelming.
(36:24):
You know, a lot of times whenyou're trying to regulate your
emotions and PMDD, whatever thatlooks like, you're not sharing
it with your child.
They're feeling it, but they'renot hearing it from you.
So, when it comes to emotionalrole modeling.
You need to let them know it'sokay to have bad days, it's okay
for mommy or daddy or yourpartner to have times where
(36:50):
they're struggling, and just tobe really open and honest with
them and saying this is whatwe're going through, but don't
gaslight your child and havethem feel the shift of the
energy and you not talk about it, because then they're going to
think it's something wrong withthem.
They're going to be like man.
Everybody else in this house ispretending like everything's
great but something feels off.
Tell your child what you'regoing through in a way that's
(37:11):
appropriate for them.
Appropriate for them, likewe're going through an argument
right now and you know we didn'thandle it the best way.
If you know that you've gone offPMDD rage and you've had like a
big blow up in a fight, pleasedo not ignore that and pretend
like it didn't happen, becauseyour child knew what happened.
Your child can feel the energyshift.
They know what happened.
(37:31):
Do not gaslight your child andmake it seem like there's
nothing that happened.
And I know there's a lot ofguilt and a lot of shame, but
children are incrediblyself-centered, and what I mean
by that this is not in a selfishway, but developmentally they
believe everything is about them.
So if you're yelling andcursing at each other, they're
going to think that it'ssomething that they did.
(37:52):
And so if the house is tense,if you're sad, if you and your
partner are distant, if you guysaren't doing the normal
routines together, they're goingto believe that they caused it.
But until you tell them thetruth of what's going on, that
guilt is going to stick withthem and it grows and it's going
to affect their self-worthbecause they're going to be like
oh my gosh, if I can't be happyin my house, like where can I
(38:13):
be happy?
Where can I be safe?
So a lot of times when I'm andI'm so grateful for the clients
that I have that have been likeyou know what.
We have gone through a lot oftraumatic things in our
household and I think my childreally needs a safe space to
process this.
And the reason why I've beenworking with children, whether
(38:33):
they have premenstrual dysphoricdisorder or not, is I need to
be able to explain to them whatgoes on with PMDD, why your
parents are acting like this,why your partners are acting
like this, so that theyunderstand that it's not about
them fault and it's not becauseof them, the sooner I can stop
(38:58):
the traumatic roots to be intheir psyche, where they're
starting to feel like they'reless than where they're starting
to feel like there's somethingwrong with them.
I can rewire that when youbegin to get help during the
childhood stage.
As an adult, if they carry thatinto relationships and
situations they may not knowit's going to take them a while.
I know for me.
(39:19):
It took me so long to understandthe root of a lot of the things
that I was going through.
I thought it was because of therelationship, but it really was
because of my childhood.
There've been so many thingsthat have been brought up in
relationships where I thought ithad to do with the actual
relationship and it really hadto do with my childhood.
It really had to do witheverything that I had downloaded
(39:42):
from what I had seen with myparents, what I experienced with
my parents, and so I reallyknow that this is a heavy
episode, but I don't want thisto be a source of shame.
I don't want you to feel likeyou're being a bad parent.
What I want you to do isunderstand the magnitude of
getting help if you'reexperiencing a lot of these PMDD
fights and tension and stresswithin the home and
understanding how it'stranslating to your children,
(40:05):
whether you see it or not,because all of my clients that
are children right now when Isay children from 13 to 18,
they're hiding a lot of this andthis is when you see, like, a
lot of this anxiety, a lot ofthis vaping, you know, uses of
drugs and suicidal ideations andall of these things, because
they're hiding how they're trulyfeeling, because they're
(40:28):
feeling like, number one, thatit's not going to matter.
Number two, they're going toget in trouble for bringing it
up.
And number three, theygenuinely don't want you to feel
bad, like they wish that theycould fix it.
A lot of my clients they wishthat they could fix it for their
parents and they can't.
But you can as the adult.
What do I always tell you?
Pmdd is not our fault, but itis our responsibility to manage.
(40:52):
So if you know that PMDD isreally impacting your
relationship, I want you toreally understand how it's
impacting your child as well.
Because, as I was going throughthis past week and we had
spring break and it's an Easterweek and I just saw my daughter
sitting in the kitchen listeningto music and just singing, and
(41:14):
it was so healing for me, for mychildhood trauma, to see that
she genuinely felt safe in herhome.
When I've been with exes, she'scome to me after the fact, not
even during.
So this is what I wanted to letyou know.
This has even happened to me.
Not during our relationship didshe bring up anything that was
going on, but after we broke upshe was like, yeah, I really
(41:37):
didn't like this about thisperson and I really I heard you
guys arguing and there was justall these things that was
revealed after the fact and Iwas just mortified.
I was like, oh my God, I had noidea that you felt that way and
I had no idea and I almost gotinto the realm of that like
guilt and shame of being like Ishould have known, I should have
(41:58):
picked up on that.
But I just want you to assume.
It's almost better for you toassume that your child is going
through a lot of these thingsthan for you to assume that
they're not, because my childonly told me almost a year later
, after the relationship hadended, how much it impacted her
Almost a year later after therelationship had ended how much
it impacted her the fighting,the arguing, the disagreements,
(42:19):
the tension all of the thingsthat they could feel.
Your children can feel yourenergy way more than you think
and when I was in thatrelationship, I just really was
in that place of okay, I shouldhave done better.
You know you start to beatyourself up.
I should have done this and Ishould have.
It's not about that.
It's about creating that safespace for your child to open up,
(42:41):
and so I want to tell you rightnow, if you're dealing with
issues in your PMDD relationshipand you know that your child
has been impacted, this is notan episode for you to go back
and like repeat it, like go backinto time and say, oh, let me
erase what happened before.
No, have an open conversationof what that brought up for them
, because it's still in there,it's still in their mind
(43:02):
Cognitively, it's going tofollow them and you need to be
able to be in a place where it'ssafe.
I remember telling my daughter Iwas like you can tell me how
you really felt about thisperson.
You can tell me how you reallyfelt about me with this person.
I want you to be honest with me.
I want you to feel safe to saywhat you're really feeling.
And you know, originally shesaid I didn't think that it
(43:24):
would matter, I didn't thinkthat she would care.
That was your partner, that wasthe person that you were with
and I was like and you are mydaughter and you are my child,
and you do matter, your opiniondoes matter and it's not a
matter of saying like, I'm goingto like, break up with this
person, divorce this person, allthose things because of that.
But it's a conversation and youwant your child to feel valued
(43:45):
and you want your child to feelseen and to feel heard, because
when they feel seen and heard athome, they don't have to go out
into the world and try to feelseen and heard with people that
are not worthy of them.
They don't go searching for itwhere they're so desperate to be
with someone that sees them andhears them and they're like,
(44:06):
finally, because you're leavinga void.
I want you to understand thatwhenever you don't provide
something for your child whenthey're in their childhood, it
becomes a void and they golooking for it in their
adulthood and a lot of timesthey may find it in
circumstances and people thatput them in a circumstance that
they're not supposed to be in.
That is not really good forthem, but because they're
(44:26):
getting that void filled,they'll stay in situations
longer than they're supposed to.
Because it's like, finallysomeone is listening to me,
finally someone is hearing me.
But it's like finally someoneis listening to me, finally
someone is hearing me.
But it's like what are allthose things that are going on
with that?
So, if this is something thatyou know that you need help with
, what I want this episode to dofor you the most is to have you
(44:49):
be really reflective of yourchild.
I don't care if your child isas young as two or three years
old or as old as 18, 19, 20.
I want you to really thinkabout how the issues that you've
had in your PMDD relationshiphave impacted them.
What have they seen?
Because a lot of times it'snever too late to have these
(45:10):
conversations, these openconversations, and say, hey, you
know, this is what happened.
How did you feel about that?
How is this impacting you?
And really get to the bottom ofit.
Because the more that you workthrough what's going on with
them, the more they don't haveto try to work through it on
their own and wonder why itkeeps showing up in their life?
(45:32):
Why are they keep having thisissue in their own relationships
, with their own friendships?
And if this is something thatyou know that you need help with
, go to inlovewithpmddcom.
Get those counseling sessionsso that we can really do a deep
dive, not just on what's goingon with you as a parent, but
what's going on with you withyour child, because there, when
I say in love with PMDD, it'sjust as important with your
(45:55):
relationships of being in lovewith your child as it is with
being in love with your partner.
So until next time we got this.
I love you.
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