March 27, 2025 • 57 mins
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Finding the right partner when you have PMDD can feel impossible. Most of us choose partners during our follicular phase when we're feeling optimistic and adaptable, but those same partners may become completely wrong for us during the luteal phase when PMDD symptoms flare.
What if there's a better way? This episode explores the revolutionary concept of "soft love" in PMDD relationships. Rather than forcing connections that exacerbate symptoms, we can seek companions who naturally provide the emotional safety and support our nervous systems need during our most challenging days.
I'm sharing my personal journey of discovering what kind of love actually helps regulate my PMDD symptoms instead of making them worse. From recognizing my need for physical touch to appreciating partners who validate emotions without defensiveness, I've learned that the right relationship dynamic can transform how PMDD affects daily life.
The key elements of soft love include validation without dismissal, patience during mood shifts, non-reactive communication, respectful space while remaining available, shared responsibility, and reassurance without resentment. When these qualities are present, even moments of emotional sensitivity can be navigated without escalating into full PMDD rage or relationship damage.
This isn't about finding someone to "fix" your PMDD—it's about recognizing that your responsibility to manage symptoms becomes easier with the right support system. Whether you're dating, in a relationship, or married, understanding what kind of love helps rather than hinders your PMDD can change everything.
Ready to discover what soft love could mean for your PMDD journey? Visit inlovewithpmdd.com to learn more about creating relationships that support your wellbeing during every phase of your cycle.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Today I want to talk to you about soft love and your
PMDD relationship.
This is something that I onlythat I desire to be with, but
(00:29):
that is conducive for my lutealphase.
As I've spoken to you earlieron other episodes, I've told you
that so many times I've chosenpartners when I'm in my
follicular phase.
I've tried to make it work whenI'm in PMDD, and this
particular time I didn't want todo that.
I wanted to make sure thatwhoever I chose to be my PMDD
(00:52):
partner, my PMDD companion, wasgood for me in my luteal phase
of PMDD, because it really doesimpact your symptoms and as I'm
in this realm of discoveringwhat that looks like, you know,
if you're my private client, Ialways say to you, like, when
you're describing what it isthat you want, I always say what
does that look like?
(01:13):
What does that look like?
And the best way to describethis is the day in the life with
the person that you want to bewith and when you're in your
luteal phase, what is the bestcase scenario?
And for me it's kind of likeworking your way backwards.
You have to understand thetriggers and this is different
for everybody.
For every one of my privateclients, it is different for
(01:35):
what we work on, based off ofwhat causes you the most
suffering, what causes you themost stress, and then I get you
the opposite of that.
I get you the antithesis ofwhatever causes you the most
stress in your PMDD relationship.
This is for the partner thathas PMDD and the partner that
doesn't.
I find out what causes you themost stress and then I give you
the opposite of that and we mapthat out and see what that looks
(01:58):
like.
And for me I was like whatcauses the most stress in my
PMDD relationships that I'vebeen in in the past?
You know I don't regret anyrelationship that I've ever been
in while having premenstrualdysphoric disorder.
I've had it for over 19 yearsnow and I don't regret it.
It's always taught me something.
I learned so much about myself.
(02:19):
I relate so much to my privateclients, every partner that I've
had.
I've been very curious as totheir experience, not just my
experience of having PMDD, buttheir experience of being with
someone who has PMDD.
What does that look like forthem?
What is it that I can do tohelp them?
What works, what doesn't work?
So I don't regret any of thoseexperiences, but I'm very aware
(02:44):
now of what works for mespecifically and what doesn't,
and if any of this resonateswith you, you're going to
realize it very, very early on.
And it is something that I wason a walk earlier today.
I was walking my dog, leo,which I do every single day If
you follow me on Instagram, youknow my PMDD partner's morning
routine and I was walking my dog, leo, and I was just baffled at
(03:08):
how I'm in this relationship.
So I'm in this relationshipwith someone who is so it's hard
to find one word because I'mit's.
(03:28):
It's so easy, right, and I knowa lot of things when you're in
a PMDD relationship are not easy, and I'm not saying it's always
going to be like this.
I can only speak on the theface of you know relationship
that we're in right now.
But I remember choosing wisely.
I have a mentor that told methis earlier in my journey and I
(03:50):
didn't really understand itwhen she said choose wisely.
Choose wisely who you arechoosing to spend your life with
, who you are choosing to giveyour energy to, who you are
choosing to connect to, becauseit's going to impact every other
area of your life.
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah,like it sounds when someone
says choose wisely, it soundslike, yeah, of course you're
going to choose wisely.
(04:11):
I don't think that I've alwaysdone that on my journey.
I think I've been veryimpulsive with my choosing
because I'm such an optimist,and so I've always been in this
place of like, yeah, I'm justgoing to choose who I feel is
right for the moment, and thenanything else that we have to
figure out we'll figure out.
I remember one time I was datingsomeone and they were like what
do you want me to do?
(04:31):
Just drop everything that I'mdoing and just fully commit to
you and get married and allthese things?
And I'm like, yes, like, for me, committing to someone is not
an issue for me.
I'm the opposite of an avoidant.
I am very in it.
I'm very secure when it comesto loyalty.
I'm very secure when it comesto commitment.
I'm very clear on what thatlooks like and what I want.
(04:53):
And so I've gotten intorelationships where people have
said things and I've justassumed that whatever it is that
they're saying is just going tocome to fruition and that's it.
And now that I've kind of takenmy time with knowing that when
I'm choosing wisely, it takestime to see who a person really
is and you really need to be ina level of flexibility with a
(05:17):
person when you're dating.
If you're married, that's acompletely different story, or
you're in a committedrelationship I'll speak on that
in a minute but when you'redating, before you commit
specifically with PMDD, you needto see.
I noticed for me I said twomonths, two months of full
cycles, meaning ovulation,luteal phase, follicular phase,
(05:38):
menstrual phase.
I need to see how you react tome in two full cycles, because
one cycle could be a fluke.
You know how you have thosemonths in PMDD where you're like
, oh, that was a light month andthen the next month is complete
hell.
I need to see how you are.
I would say two to three, andagain, for me too, that was a
(05:59):
big deal.
For me, I waited a full twocycles before I committed to
being with this person, becauseI am.
I'm such a monogamous person,I'm such a relationship person.
Obviously that's what I do,that's what I believe in.
I don't believe that we'resupposed to do life alone.
I believe in connection, Ibelieve in relationships and,
specifically if you have PMDD, Idon't think it's something that
(06:21):
you're supposed to sufferthrough alone.
I don't think it's somethingthat you're supposed to suffer
through alone.
I don't think that your partneris supposed to suffer with you,
but I mean, I think that you'resupposed to be in relationship
to have that level of support.
So when I'm dating, it wasreally hard for me to be casual.
It was really hard for me to becasual and I think the biggest
way that I was able to be casualwas saying, oh, I don't want a
(06:42):
partner and you can listen tothe episode before that.
I was like I don't want apartner, I want a companion,
which is what I have right nowand I'm so happy, I'm so at
peace and it's so new for me,it's so new for me to not be
with someone.
That's like we're gettingmarried tomorrow and we're going
to commit our lives to eachother and I need to know that I
(07:05):
have that level of security inorder to feel safe.
And I'm cautioned saying this,but I've honestly not felt this
safe in a relationship in a very, very, very long time.
And it was really hard wrappingmy head around it, because
whenever something happens in mylife, that's really good.
I try to go back to like, okay,what did I do to cause this?
(07:28):
Like what, what, what you knowtool did I use Cause?
I'm trying to pass it on to youand I've actually been doing
less.
I've been doing less andgetting more, and what I mean by
that.
I've just been being myself.
So when I started dating a yearago, it was all of these
tactics and things like in thedating community.
(07:49):
It's like you need to do thisand you need to not do this and
you need to make sure this is,and there was so many rules and
you're kind of like walking oneggshells a little bit because
you're trying to do the rightthing to get the right person
and there's so many games andghosting and love bombing and
I've been through it all.
And I'm grateful to have beenthrough it all because it helps
me with my clients, like whenthey're talking about things, I
(08:12):
know exactly what they'retalking about.
I've been in the midst of thelove bombing, in the midst of
the ghosting, in the midst ofthe manipulation, in the midst
of the narcissist.
I've been in the midst of allof it.
So it's made me better.
But I remember thinking tomyself I need to be very clear
on what kind of individual Ineed in my luteal phase of PMDD,
(08:33):
what kind of person that I need.
And the best way to do thatsometimes is just to go opposite
.
What don't you need?
And that's what I recognized.
I was like, okay, I know thisfrom my past experience and
again, it's different for everysingle person, but for me, when
I'm in my luteal phase, I caneasily be triggered by my
(08:54):
childhood trauma.
So then it was kind of easy forme to kind of map out okay,
what is the opposite of mychildhood trauma, what was my
childhood trauma?
My childhood trauma was a lotof verbal abuse, a lot of
physical abuse and within that,that's how I know when I go into
my luteal phase, I need that'swhat we're talking about today a
(09:15):
soft love from the person thatI'm with.
I need a soft love.
I can't do the harsh tone.
I can't do the yelling, thescreaming, the cursing out, the
disrespect.
I can't do the questioning asfar as intention, the
manipulation, the narcissistictendencies.
(09:36):
I can't do that in a PMDDrelationship without my symptoms
being impacted.
So when I was looking at addingsomeone to my life, I was
really like I want to addsomeone to my life that are not
going to make my PMDD symptomsworse.
Obviously, I'm taking fullresponsibility for having
premenstrual dysphoric disorder.
What do I always tell you?
Pmdd is not my fault, but it'smy responsibility to manage.
(09:59):
So I'm not looking for someonethat's going to make my PMDD
easier or make my life easier.
I am fully aware of what I needto do independently to manage
my PMDD symptoms and I justneeded to make sure that,
whoever it is that I'm adding tomy life, it is just going to be
in alignment with that Meaning.
(10:21):
Whatever it is that I set up todo in my luteal phase to manage
my PMDD symptoms, that they'renot going to have an issue with
it, because for me, I'm such agiver that I don't want anything
that I'm doing to make you feelbad about being in a
relationship with me.
If I'm doing a tool and I'mdoing something that I know that
(10:43):
I need to do to manage my PMDDsymptoms, I don't want it to
hurt you, because then I'm goingto have to make a choice
between choosing myself orchoosing you Like.
Am I going to do the thing thatI know is going to make my PMDD
better or am I going to do thething that's going to make you
better being in a PMDDrelationship with me?
And I've done those, I've madethose decisions and I've
abandoned myself.
And then I've become bitter andresentful later on because I've
(11:04):
suffered because of it.
So I really just felt like Ineeded to be with someone that's
in alignment with the life thatI live.
In my luteal phase, myfollicular phase, I have no
issue.
I have no issue being withanyone.
I could be a chameleon becauseI'm so go with the flow, I'm so
optimistic, I'm so like.
I don't have an issue in myfollicular phase being with
(11:26):
anyone, because I have that kindof level of emotional
intelligence where it's like Ican adapt to different
environments.
If you're an extrovert, ifyou're an introvert, if you want
to stay in like I can find thejoy in a lot of things.
But in my luteal phase I have tobe very intentional.
So I'm not saying that to brag,I'm not saying that to boast.
I'm saying in my luteal phase Ihave to be very intentional.
I am not that person in myfollicular phase and I do have
(11:50):
that split of my personality andI have to like really not be
ashamed of that and I found thekind of.
Again, I will always tell youI'm not going to be one of those
people that are like I lovePMDD, it's the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
No, I'm not going to say thatPMDD absolutely does suck, but I
do know that when I'm in myluteal phase I can't just go
(12:11):
with the flow.
In my follicular phase I can gowith the flow and everything's
great, even in ovulation.
For me, for menstruation, I haveto be more intentional, but
when I'm in my luteal phase Ihave to really be in a place of
like what is it that is going tomake my symptoms worse and not
feel ashamed for what that lookslike.
(12:32):
For me it's a hard love and Iknow from in the past that I
don't fault any of the partnersthat I've been with that have
given me that kind of like hardlove because I do have a very
good balance of masculine andfeminine energy, meaning I can
be very masculine when it comesto getting things done.
(12:52):
I can be very masculine even inmy morning routine when I'm
getting up, because I do get upat five o'clock in the morning
and I do do my PMDD partner'smorning routine and I do move my
body and I'm very intentionalabout how I do.
My mindset.
I'm very like motivational andI have that aspect of me, but
then I also have that aspect ofme in my evening routine, in my
(13:16):
end of day, like I think I waschoosing people for my morning
routine without choosing someonefor my evening routine, and
that was mind boggling for me.
I was choosing someone that wasmirroring me, like in the
morning.
We're getting up early in themorning and we're working out
and we're being supermotivational and we're getting
things done and we're settinggoals and we're making stuff
(13:38):
happen.
And I wanted someone thatappreciated that and I really
thought I needed someone tomirror that.
I really did.
I was like, if someone's goingto know me, if someone's going
to resonate with me, I needsomeone that's going to do the
same routine that I did.
So I prided myself on choosingsomeone Honestly, honestly,
truly.
There's a small percentage ofpeople that live the lifestyle
(14:00):
that I live from the hours of 5am I would even say 5 am to noon
, and to noon I'm in mymasculine energy, I'm in my peak
energy, I'm getting things done.
After that I kind of trail offinto my feminine energy, where
I'm kind of a little bit softer,I'm a little bit more open.
(14:21):
I need extra care, like itswitches for me, and this is on
a day-to-day basis, whether I'min my luteal phase or not.
I've been on this journey ofdiscovering myself and I was
like, why am I having issueswith individuals when I'm in my
luteal phase?
When I asked for this, like Iasked for someone to be super
aggressive, I asked for someoneto be super intentional and not
(14:42):
passive and super, like, let'sget this done.
And I value that in individuals.
I really do value someonethat's motivated, someone that's
disciplined.
But when it comes to the timesof day where I wanna connect and
I wanna feel loved and I wannafeel cared for, I was like, what
time of the day is that for me?
Because, I'll be honest, in themorning I just want to get up
(15:06):
and get things done, because Iwant to feel good about resting,
I want to feel good aboutconnecting.
It's hard for me to connectwith someone when I know that I
have this long to-do list ofthings to do that I haven't
gotten done.
Like my brain and my body won'tallow me to relax and it's just
(15:28):
to really lean in and be loving, which is one of my biggest
tools.
It won't allow me to do that IfI know I have this long list of
things that I just ofresponsibilities that I haven't
taken care of, and that comesfrom years of being a single mom
.
You know, my daughter isturning 16 this year and I've
been essentially a single momfor 14 out of those 16 years,
because even when my ex and Iwere together, we were long
distance.
So I've always been doing theparenting thing by myself.
I've always been running thebusiness by myself Multiple
(15:49):
businesses.
I have multiple endeavors andserving in my community.
I've always been doing that onmy own and I've gotten to a
place where I'm like okay, Ilike to connect, knowing this
about myself, I like to connectwhen the work is done, when I
can feel proud of myself like Igot up, I got this done, I serve
myself first.
(16:09):
So I am very clear on that.
Like my boundaries are, I willpour into myself first, so then
I'm able to pour into my partner, my clients, my daughter, my
dog, like everybody.
But I will choose myself first,because I know what that looks
like to be depleted and not haveenough to give to someone and
to just be in that place of likepouring and pouring and pouring
(16:31):
and there's nothing in there.
So I was like, okay, I had tolike timeline this and I
challenge you to do the samething.
If you're thinking about this,what times of the day do you
want to connect with your personthe most?
And for my private clients andeven my exes like I had an ex
where they wanted to connect inthe morning.
That was their time where theywere going to start their day,
(16:53):
but they wanted to lean in andbe loving in the morning and it
was harder for me.
It was really hard for me toconnect in the morning because
that was my time to get thethings done.
So it was kind of like when Iwas choosing someone that wanted
to connect in the morning, Iwas, I was.
It was hard for me to bepresent and I felt really bad
about that.
But it's like I can't be fullypresent if I have, if I'm not
(17:16):
present with myself and whatwould happen is I would switch
and be like, oh, they want toconnect in the morning, so I
would neglect doing my PMDDpartner's morning routine and I
would always regret it.
And I've become a little bitbitter and resentful because I
was pouring, like I say, I waspouring from an empty cup, I
didn't have it in me.
I did not have it in me but Iwas giving it to the person
(17:36):
because I felt like that was myresponsibility.
And so when I went into dating Ihad to be very strategic,
specifically for my luteal phase.
I need to see that I can bewith this person.
And when I'm in my luteal phaseand I'm doing my PMDD partner's
morning routine, it was kind ofgetting clear, Get clear on the
lifestyle that you want to liveand you can do this for
(17:57):
yourself If you're dating, ifyou're single and you have PMDD.
Get clear on a day in the lifein your luteal phase.
And I did that and I was like,okay, I would get up in the
morning and I would do my PMDDpartner's morning routine and
then after that I would shower,get dressed, check in with
clients, I would check in withmy daughter, I would cause I
(18:19):
homeschool her and I would doall these things.
And I would kind of do a day inthe life of like when I would
connect with my partner.
What that would look like.
And that was my kind of barrier.
That was like, okay, can I, canI be with this person and
they're okay with that?
Because I knew that it was apossibility that I wouldn't be
okay with that.
(18:40):
If, if they weren't okay withthat, like I would switch it up.
If I felt like they weren'tgoing to be accepting of it, I
would be like, oh, I'm not goingto do that, and then that would
impact how I showed up, and soI just really it was this push
and pull of thinking that Ineeded to orchestrate it and I
needed to, you know, make ithappen, because that's my
(19:01):
masculine energy.
It's like make it happen.
I had one of the colleges I wentto was like their motto was
like find a way or make it.
What is it?
Find a way or make one?
And so I get in this masculineenergy when I wasn't dating and
I was like I need to find a wayor make one, and it's like, no,
you don't.
No, you don't.
You need to find someone thatis in alignment with the
(19:24):
lifestyle that you want to live.
That was the biggest light bulbthat came off for me.
It's not about creating aperson that is in alignment.
It's about finding a personwho's already in alignment, who
already wants to do and be whoit is that you need them to be,
and I have that.
And so when I was looking atthat, I was like, okay, this is
(19:44):
what my day in the life is goingto look like.
So between the hours of likefive o'clock in the morning and
noon, I'm in my masculine energy, I'm grinding.
Can I pause and send a textmessage or call and check in?
Absolutely, but I'm in, go, go,go, go go.
As my day goes, like when itcomes to like noon and like
maybe five or six, like I'mwinding down, and then, when it
(20:08):
comes to when I come home orwhenever I'm done with work or
done with client calls, I wantto have this soft love that
we're going to talk about today.
That's when I want to lean intobeing with my partner the most,
and I needed to choose someonethat wanted the same thing, that
I was providing them with whatit is that they needed, because
it's really important to me thatI'm giving that person what
(20:32):
they want to.
Like I don't want.
I've been in relationships likewhere they're only doing things
because I want them to do them,not because I'm asking them or
demanding it, but it's like if Iwant to be with Rose, I need to
do these things and I, andthat's not sustainable because
you end up doing things that yougenuinely don't want to do.
(20:53):
That's hard for you to do, butyou're doing them just so you
can be with me, and it's notsustainable, and I really was
like I don't want to put thatkind of pressure or expectation
on anyone else.
And so what a soft love is inyour PMDD relationship.
It's being in a relationshipwhere there's a lot of
compassion, where there's a lotof patience that prioritizes
emotional safety, emotionalunderstanding and support.
(21:16):
It acknowledges the uniquechallenges of PMDD premenstrual
dysphoric disorder with theemotional side, with the
physical side, with the mentalside and it allows you to be in
a relationship where there's alot of grace and empathy.
There's a lot of grace for howyou show up, and what I mean by
grace is understanding thestruggle that you're going
(21:37):
through and not blaming you forit, not shaming you for it, not
thinking that you're maliciouslydoing it, but just having you
be in a place where they're likeI understand how that could.
I can understand how that canbe hard for you and really
understanding your journey, andso I want to talk about what
that looks like.
But before I get into that, I'mgoing to talk about how I knew
(22:02):
that I needed a soft love in myPMDD relationship.
Because once I got that clarity, I feel like it just came to me
.
And I don't want to say that Imanifested it, I don't want to
say that I did all the tricksabout it.
I just think that when I saw it, when I felt it, I knew that
this is what I need.
And I feel like a lot of timeswhen you're dating with PMDD,
(22:24):
you don't know what you need.
Until you know what you needand what I mean by that, you
don't know what you need as faras what that looks like when you
find that person, until you'vegotten really clear with
yourself, by yourself, offiguring out what kind of
partner you need in your lutealphase.
So I would challenge you to dothat.
I do this with all my privateclients, even if you're already
(22:46):
in a relationship, because wecan always redefine
relationships.
We can always go back to thedrawing board and say you know
what we need a fresh start inour PMDD relationship and it
needs to look like this, and Ido this for both partners what
does it look like during PMDD?
What is it that you need?
And for me, I can't believe it,but my love language has changed
(23:08):
.
Like when I spent some timewith myself and really
recognized what I needed in myluteal phase, I recognized how
much of who I was had shiftedfrom prior relationships.
I would 100% tell you, do notgo off of how you were in
previous relationships and justassume that, oh, this is what I
need.
Like, look at yourself rightnow.
Life is gonna.
(23:29):
You know you're gonna changeand grow and, like always, fall
back on who you are right now.
Life is going to.
You know you're going to changeand grow and, like always, fall
back on who you are right nowand what it is that you need,
because it's going to changeover time.
And if you're in a relationship, it's okay to change and shift
with your partner, but you haveto like, do the work to make
sure that you're shifting andchanging and the other person
knows how you're shifting andchanging.
(23:50):
So for me, I used to think thatmy love language is just words
of affirmation, absolutely.
I would tell you all day wordsof affirmation.
And now, now and when I reallygot to know myself and my luteal
phase specifically, like mylove language is absolutely
physical touch, which is likemind boggling.
For me, physical touch is mylove language, and then I would
(24:13):
say words would come after it.
Physical touch, I would saywords, quality time, acts of
service, and then gifts is stilllast.
I love gifts and I've been witha lot of partners that love to
give gifts, like I'm.
The person I'm in arelationship with now loves to
give me flowers.
Like my gifts are not elaborate, like my gifts are.
They have to be thoughtful andmeaningful and just in alignment
(24:37):
with all the things.
But physical touch is a reallybig one for me Kindness,
gentleness, words that make mefeel safe and secure, and that's
what's been so helpful for mein my luteal phase Feeling
protected.
I noticed that when I havephysical touch, I feel protected
(24:59):
, I feel safe, I feel like I canbe open, I can be vulnerable,
it's not going to be usedagainst me and my PMDD symptoms
are so much less because I feellike I have the grace.
One of my biggest things is timemanagement and that's something
that I'm always working on.
I'm always trying to get betterat it.
(25:19):
It's a constant struggle andI've just kind of gotten to the
point where I'm like, okay, I doa billion things and I try to
cram everything in, and I knowthat that lends to my time
management, and so when I'mdating, I remember always
thinking or I'm in arelationship I remember always
thinking about how am I going toshow up and have time to
(25:41):
connect when I have all of theseother things going on?
And one of the things that theperson that I'm dating does for
me is to let me.
It's so good for my nervoussystem, like when he comes to
pick me up when we go on dates,when we go out, and I'm like
rushing, because I can get in mybrain, especially when I'm in
my luteal phase I can be allover the place.
I got to do this and I got todo that and I got to do this.
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And he's always so calm to mycrazy and I'm like, oh my gosh,
I got to do this thing.
And he's like take your time.
Just him saying take your timeregulates my nervous system to
not feel like he's waiting on me.
He's going to say somethingabout me being late, all of
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these things, and when I saylate I mean five, 10 minutes,
like all the things.
I'm not leaving you for like anhour, you know.
But I mean my biggest thing withtime management has always been
if I'm running a little bitlate doing something, it's
because I'm helping someone else.
So that was always mydiscrepancy with people that I'm
dating or in a relationshipwith that made me feel bad about
(26:44):
being late.
It's like you know me.
If you're dating me, if youhave a behind the scenes impact
on my life.
Like you know what I'm doing ona day to day basis, you know
I'm not wasting any time.
I'm always doing something andso if I'm late it's because I'm
helping someone else and so Ineed you to have that level of
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grace and that's where the softlove comes in.
It's like I have grace.
I know you have a lot on yourplate.
Like I told you about that datethat I was on early on my
journey, almost a year agoactually, where I was like
spending time with my daughterright before I was going on a
date and they literally like hadsuch an attitude because I was
like 10 minutes late and I waslike, if I feel like it's gonna,
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you know, cause me more stressand overwhelm my brain,
especially in PMDD, it's likewhat's the point?
Like you're always gonnadisappoint them and you know
like I need the flexibility, Ineed the grace.
I need the grace to be likeokay, I understand that what
you're going through, I knowthat you're not late maliciously
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, like I'm just happy to see you.
So whenever he comes to pick meup, he's always on time, which
I respect and I love.
And then when I'm like, oh mygosh, babe, I'm on my way, and
blah, blah, blah, he's like takeyour time, take your time
beautiful, take your timebeautiful.
For me it's like thank you.
And again it's like thank you.
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And again I don't, I don't, Idon't take that for granted and
think that he's he may not beirritated or he may not be
annoyed that I'm running 10minutes late, but he's able to
regulate his emotions in a senseof like he's not going to make
me feel bad about being 10minutes late because of some
rigidness like I can't do,rigidness of like it needs to be
like this.
And I can't do that because,guess what?
Remember what I told youearlier when I'm in the morning,
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I'm in my masculine energy, I'mon a schedule.
I have to do this, I have to dothat.
I already do that in myday-to-day life.
I can't do that in my personallife as far as connecting with
my partner, because then I neverhave a break.
I feel like I have to always beon.
And in your nervous system, whenyou feel like you always have
to be on, like you don't havethe opportunity to have any
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times where you just have thislevel of flexibility, it's
horrible.
It's horrible because you feellike you're always walking on
eggshells with yourself.
You're like I gotta do this formy partner.
I gotta do this Because youfeel like if you don't do it,
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they're gonna be pissed off andmad and irritated and then it's
going to be a problem in yourrelationship.
And so what a soft love does isthe first thing is it validates
your emotions.
I was in the car with the personI'm dating.
I feel like I should.
I feel like, because I declaredthat I don't want a PMDD
partner and I have a PMDDcompanion, I just don't feel
weird about being.
I just feel weird about beinglike I'm a PMDD companion.
But I will just say the personthat I'm in a relationship with.
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I guess I'll say my person,because I feel like I keep
repeating.
I'll just say my person.
My person validates my emotions.
There was and you know I willhe's's very intuitive, very
intuitive as far as feelingemotions, I didn't even know
that I needed that, where Idon't have to overly explain
that the vibe was off.
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Like you know me if you followme on social media, I'm all
about good vibes, only,obviously, when you're in your
luteal phase.
It's not good vibes all thetime.
But like you can try, you know,like you can try.
And so he said the other day itwas like quiet in the car.
I was feeling some type of wayabout something and I really
didn't want to say it.
So I was like I don't know ifthis is an issue.
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And we were in the car and itwas just like silent.
And he's from another countryand so there's like a language
thing, and so I think it's socute because the way he said it
I was just like what he was likeyou got a problem with me, but
it wasn't like in aconfrontational way and I was
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like what?
And then he said to me helooked at me, he was holding my
hand again, physical touch, andhe was like if you have a
problem with me, if you have anissue with me, like you can tell
me, just let me know.
So there was this validation ofmy emotions and kind of like
saying like I'm not going to getoffensive, I'm not going to get
defensive, I just want to knowif you have an issue, like if
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the vibe is off, just like, letme know.
So it wasn't about dismissingor minimizing my experiences
during my luteal phase, becauseI did.
I was in PMDD and I woke upwith all of these thoughts, but
I knew it was a me thing.
I knew it was a luteal phase,me thing, and so I wasn't trying
to project that on him.
But he felt the shift in energyand he was like you got a
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problem.
So when you have soft love inyour PMDD relationship, they're
validating your emotions.
I said, yeah, like I think itwas a situation where we didn't
cuddle, like because I know mylove language is physical touch
we didn't cuddle, like we werespending time together, but we
didn't really cuddle.
We're kind of talking blah,blah, blah and I didn't think it
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was malicious or anything, butI just, you know I miss that
part A lot of times.
When you have an issue with yourpartner, it's not about you
have an issue with them.
It's like you're missingsomething.
You're missing those words ofaffirmation where they're
validating you.
You're missing that physicaltouch, you're missing that
quality time, you're missingsomething in your love language
and you need to be aware of thatbecause it is going to shift
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your vibe.
If you have unmet needs likecheck yourself, needs like check
yourself, you're missingsomething that you actually want
from them.
So it's not about getting madat them because they're not
giving you something.
It's like no, no, no, yougenuinely want something from
them and it's loving, and so youshould be able to just tell
them.
So we were in the car and Ilooked at him and he had such
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kindness and gentleness in hisapproach.
He's like you can just talk tome, you can just tell me.
And that was the next thing,that patience and understanding.
He was recognizing that when Ihad that irritability meaning my
mood shifted a little bit andemotional sensitivity I'm in my
luteal phase, I'm a little bitmore sensitive to not cuddling,
right, you know what I mean.
So then all I did was put youknow, cause he normally would
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have his hand on my leg.
Ed was put you know because henormally would have his hand on
my leg when we were driving inthe car, and I just took his
hand and I just put it on.
You know, I held his hand and Iput it on my leg and I was like
that's the problem, that's theproblem that I had with you.
And he's like okay, that's thenext thing, the non-reactive
communication, responding withcalmness and curiosity rather
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than defensiveness andfrustration.
He was just curious.
It's like, what is it Like?
Listen, and if you're in anintimate relationship, your
partner knows like the vibe isoff, something's off, the mood
is off.
Like, just tell me what it is.
And he responded.
He didn't get defensive and belike what's the big deal?
I'm always, you know, beingphysically affectionate with you
.
Like why, you know beingphysically affectionate with you
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, like why are you, you know,having an issue with me?
Now I guess I'm the bad guy.
There was none of that.
It was like oh, it was likethank you for letting me know.
Now I can put my hand on yourleg and we're good.
I was floored at how easy thatwas.
Like my mood shifted because Iwasn't getting the physical
touch that I desired anddeserved.
And then he asked me about itand then I told him about it and
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then he just did it and it waslike no big deal.
He's like yeah, like we're goodand that was new for me for it
to not even have been an issuespecifically in your luteal
phase, with PMDD, rage and allthe things, because you're not
getting needs met and you'refeeling the need to fight for
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your right, like in thatmasculine energy, like I need to
let them know about, versusjust communicating gently and
calmly and letting them know Ialways tell you.
You know, if you're my privateclient, let's handle the
situation at the lowest levelbefore it escalates.
Like let's talk about it whenit's just a huh, I woke up and I
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didn't get the hug that Inormally get, or I were in the
car and he didn't put his handon my leg, or you know, I'm out
here and they didn't call metoday, or they didn't text me,
or I didn't get.
Like, when you first get thatfirst twinge of like huh, I
don't like this.
This is something I'm notcomfortable with.
This is what I want.
Blah, blah, blah.
Whatever, that first thing isaddress it with your partner in
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a calm way and see if they'rewilling to just respond.
And that's the soft love.
The soft love is oh, baby, like, let me put my hand on your leg
and I'm like, oh, oh, like it'shard for you to react in a way
of PMDD rage and all those otherthings when that's their
response.
Like if you're saying I have anissue with you, you know, not
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putting your hand on my leg ornot holding my hand or not
opening the door, whatever it isthat you're wanting, whatever
you're loving, or just thatyou're needing, and they're
responding lovingly like comehere, come here, come here, I
got you, I love you, I got you,I care about you, I want your
needs to be met.
I'm sorry about that.
Like I'm going to be there foryou.
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You can't go off on someonethat's literally talking to you
like that in your luteal phase.
Like even if you're in the peakof PMDD, and your partner's
like oh, if you come to yourpartner and you're like I don't
like that, you did this and blah, blah, blah, blah, and they're
just like okay, okay, thank youfor bringing it to my attention.
Like I'm going to make sure Ido that.
I'm going to do it right now.
Change behavior.
Like you're going to be madbecause they missed the mark and
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they're admitting it andthey're taking accountability,
which is so huge A lot of times.
If your partners would takeaccountability or you would take
accountability.
Nothing would escalate.
If someone is literally comingto you with the white flag and
they're like hands in the air,like I didn't see it that way,
like I'm so sorry.
I never want to make you feelbad.
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What can I do?
What can I do to make it better?
I'm so sorry.
I never want to make you feelbad.
What can I do?
What can I do to make it better?
I'm sorry, it's on me.
It's on me.
Let the ego go, let the pridego.
I understand if you didn'tintentionally do it Like, yes,
he could have been like I didn'tmean to not touch your leg.
Talking about what you didn'tdo doesn't make it any better.
It's like just do the thing.
You know what I mean.
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It's like, hey, I would haveloved it.
Like if your partner comes toyou and be like I would have
loved it if you would have gaveme a kiss before you left this
morning.
And they're going on and on andon and talking about how they
would have loved if you wouldhave given them a kiss before
they left this morning andthey're defending to you why
they.
I was busy with this and I wasbusy with that.
Just stop what you're doing andkiss the person, kiss your
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partner Like that's it, that'sall they're wanting.
They're bringing it to yourattention to get the thing
no-transcript.
And so the next thing thathappens when you're in a soft
relationship is you give spacewhen needed, but you're
remaining emotionally availableand supportive.
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This is the balance right.
So we have individuals that canbecome avoided, where, when
you're in your luteal phase, youjust want to be in a hole and
you just want to isolateyourself and you just want to be
like I'm on my own.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Want to be like I'm on my own,blah, blah, blah, blah.
But when you are in a situationwhere you have soft love, you're
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giving your partner like, forexample, I was talking to my
person earlier today and they'relike oh, you know cause we
talked last night and they werelike, oh, we're going to spend
time together this evening.
But they were like, oh, I'mgoing to go out with my friends,
so I don't know how that'sgoing to work, blah, blah.
And I literally text back andI'm like go have fun with your
(38:15):
friends.
Like, I want you to have fun, Iwant you to have fun with your
friends.
And it's not a situation whereI could be like I'm going to be
pissed off, even though I'mtelling you that you can take
the space that you need.
So I think communicating theboundaries of like hey, it's a
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Saturday night, like I want tohave fun with my friends, like
before excuse me, before wedated, like I did this with my
friends, like I'm a verybalanced person when it comes to
obviously, because I do abillion things, like I want you
to do the things that bring joy,and it's a balance of I'm not
telling you to go do your thingand I'm not going to be
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emotionally available when youhave a soft love, you're
respecting the boundaries.
The boundaries are.
I understand we're spending allthis time together, we're in
this relationship, but I alsoneed time to spend with my
friends.
So I need the balance of that.
But for me it's like I'm alsogoing to be emotionally
available for you and supportive.
I'm going to be supportive ofyou spending time with your
friends and if you want to textme, call me while you're there,
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like there's nothing.
I did that last night.
I was out dancing like a lotdancing with my friends and he
called me and I stepped outsideand we talked and it was such a
soft love because it was like hewas respecting the fact that I
was out with my friends.
But he just wanted to talk andI was still emotionally
available.
You know, you can get to thepoint where you're avoiding,
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where you're like I'm doing mything, like why are you
bothering me?
But no, you still can beemotionally available while
you're respecting the boundariesof your person, meaning you can
respect the fact that they needspace.
But if they call you whilethey're taking space, you can
still be emotionally available.
You can't be like oh, thoughtyou wanted to be on your own.
What are you doing?
(40:00):
Calling me Like don't be petty,when you're respecting their
boundaries.
If your partner says I need togo on a walk in order to calm
down, because I'm in PMDD rageand I have all this stuff going
on because you know I'm a bigproponent for taking space, if
you're in that situation whereyour partner is taking space and
then they come back, don't havean attitude when they come back
(40:20):
.
That's not soft love, that'snot being supportive, that's
being petty, that's being in theego.
It's like oh, now you want totalk to me?
Yeah, chicken nugget.
Like maybe I needed to take awalk in order to get to that
place.
This is how you can miss.
This is how you can be oneperson and be doing the work, or
you miss it, meaning one persongoing to walk and they regulate
their emotions, they come backbut then the other person
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doesn't want to talk to them.
The other partner doesn't wantto talk to them because then
they have an issue with the factthat you didn't stay in the
argument or the fight andbecause you walked away, because
they're not respecting yourboundaries and understanding
that it's a healthy thing to do,because they're just wanting to
get their needs met and that'sit.
They're not thinking about howyou're feeling in your capacity.
Then it becomes an issue withyou having boundaries because
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one person is not respectingthem.
While being emotionallyavailable, you should feel good
about the fact that your partneris setting boundaries that make
them feel good Like I wouldn'twant to be with my person and
know that they had a full sociallife, and then now they're with
me and it's like all about meand they're not doing anything
that they used to do to have fun.
No, you genuinely should wantthe best for your partner and I
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genuinely want the best.
So I'm like, if you want to gohave fun, go have fun.
And he was so grateful.
He's like, oh my gosh, you'reso supportive, thanks, babe.
And I'm like, yeah, go have fun.
Like this is not a prison, thisis not like we're not locked in
here where you can't goanywhere and another.
The next thing when you havesoft love is shared
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responsibility helping withdaily tasks and responsibility
when you feel overwhelmed orfatigued.
One of the biggest ways that myperson did this for me was I
travel a lot and I saw thisearly on how they were willing
to share some of theresponsibility when I had an
early morning flight and he waslike, oh, you're going here.
And I was like, yeah.
He was like send me youritinerary.
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And he was like, okay, I'll bethere at this time.
I'm like for what?
I'm like you know, this airportis pretty far.
He's like, yeah, I'll be there.
That's what I mean by theshared responsibility.
He volunteered to take me tothe airport every time I travel.
He's like I'll be here at thistime, like, don't worry about it
.
And I'm like are you sure?
He's like, yeah, yeah, I'lltake you to the airport.
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Like that's what I mean byshared responsibility.
When you have a soft love,they're looking for something to
take off of your plate.
I didn't ask, and you may be ina situation where you have to
ask, because maybe you tell themand then they don't just really
instinctively do it.
But when you have a soft love,they're looking.
This person wants to dosomething to make your life
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easier.
They want to do something tomake your life better because I
guarantee you that there'ssomething that you provide for
them that makes their lifeeasier.
There's something that you dofor them, and I'm going to get
into that.
On the other side, it's veryreciprocal.
It's not like I'm just getting,getting, getting, and I'm not
like giving on a sense, but I'mdefinitely doing way less than I
(43:12):
was doing before.
And the next thing is theunconditional support, being in
a steady source of love andreassurance when your emotions
feel unpredictable, like ifyou're feeling moody, if you're
feeling emotionally sensitive,if you're feeling rejected and
you just.
There was another.
There was a time last weekwhere I was deep in my luteal
phase and we were both busy withour schedules.
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We both worked real lot and wedidn't text or talk that day and
for me that's really hugebecause communication is really
big for me, although, especiallywhen there's no physical touch,
like if I told you physicaltouch was my love language, and
then we're not talking, likewe're not talking or touching,
like that's huge for me.
And so I remember goingthroughout that day and really
thinking like I don't know, Iwas in the ego, I will tell you.
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I was like I don't want to bethe one that like reach out, you
know, blah, blah, I'm going towait and see.
Well, the day went by and Iwaited and saw nothing happen
and then the next day he reachedout and I just was open and
vulnerable.
You know, I didn't put the wallup, which a lot of times you can
do when you feel offended oryou feel rejected.
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Specifically in your lutealphase, you can put this wall up
and it's like I don't want totell the person what I'm really
feeling, like they should knowor they should fix this or all
these things, but I literally Iwas like I feel like you forgot
about me.
There's so much power andvulnerability that I think is
undervalued A person thatgenuinely says what they mean in
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their luteal phase, not whatthey think that you want to hear
, not what the like I'm finewhen you're really not fine.
No, no, no, no, no, I thoughtyou forgot about me.
And initially his response wasare you crazy?
And he was laughing because hewas pretty much like forget
about you, like what are youtalking about?
And when he recognized that Iwas not playing, because I was
(45:01):
just like blink, blink, um, he,he did what he did, was he did
the next tool which I'm tellingyou, which is reassurance
without resentment, he was.
He offered me support withoutmaking me feel guilty for the
fact that I was having thatemotional reaction of feeling
rejected.
He literally said I'm sorry ifI hurt you, I'm sorry if I
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didn't, by me not reaching outthat it hurt your feelings.
Like I'm sorry, like that's notmy intention, I love you, I
care about you, all the things.
And that was literally the endof it.
I was like, oh, it's okay, likethank you, it just it really
(45:48):
validated.
That's what soft love lookslike when you're in conflict.
And I don't even know if Icould call it conflict, but I
guess that was it.
But it was short, that's how Iknow.
It was short-lived because itwas kind of the situation where
it was kind of like I had anissue and my issue was again not
getting my needs met.
A lot of the issues that youhave with your partner which is
not getting your needs met, alot of the issues that you have
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with your partner was just notgetting your needs met.
I wanted more attention and Ididn't.
I've gotten to the point whereI'm so open, I'm so vulnerable.
I'm not gonna feel bad about ifI'm with a person.
I'm not gonna feel bad aboutwanting love, affection,
attention, validation.
That's what I want.
That's why I'm in arelationship Like duh.
And he offered me thatreassurance and he didn't feel
(46:29):
resentful.
Like why would you think that?
Because then you start talkingabout things that don't really
matter.
Like what does it matter?
Why I thought it?
The fact is I felt like Iwasn't getting the love,
affection, attention, validationthat I needed on that specific
day.
Like I had a really hard dayand you don't even have to
explain yourself.
Even if you didn't have areally hard day, I wanted to
talk to you and then he said,when we saw each other in person
(46:51):
, he's like babe, why didn't youjust call me?
And that's when I had torecognize I was like dang, I was
in the ego Because he wouldnever not answer my call.
Like if I call and he's notavailable, he'll immediately
text me.
Like hey, I'm with a client,blah, blah, blah, blah, and I'm
like, okay, cool.
So it was kind of like itwasn't like a bitter, like what
(47:13):
you mean, like why didn't youjust call me if you wanted to
talk to me?
It wasn't that, it was kind oflike I'm here, like you can call
me anytime, but why didn't youcall?
Like basically a curiositymindset when you have a soft
love, they genuinely want toknow what is the barrier.
What was the barrier with mejust reaching out and asking for
what it is that I needed For me?
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That was the ego, because it'slike I don't want to be the one
that's me coming out of thedating world where there's so
many rules of you need to dothis and you can't do this.
Before this, and I was in theego when, honestly, I could have
just called, I could have justbeen like hey, babe, I'm
thinking about you.
And he was like oh, like he's.
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So it's the soft love thatimmediately when I talk to him
and he answers the phone, Iimmediately feel seeing her
validated.
Immediately he's like, hey,baby, what's going on?
And I'm like there it is,that's it, and a lot of times,
some of you, that's just whatyou need.
You just need to know thatyou're with a person that stops
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the world to put their focus onyou for that moment.
Does it need to last for 40days and 40 nights?
No, but you need to know thatyou're that special and you are
that you're that special and youare that.
You're that special to someoneto just stop and be like.
My baby's calling me, mydarling is calling me, my love
is calling me, whatever you wantto call them.
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And then the next thing is thatself-regulation.
So it's the non-PMDD partner,the PMDD partner that's
practicing regulating theiremotions to avoid escalating the
conflict or misunderstanding.
If your partner is bringingsomething to you who suffers
with PMDD, and you feel likethey're bringing something to
you that you're not doing itintentionally, but you're
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feeling like you're gettingattacked and you're getting
criticized.
When you have soft love, you'rejust like I'm not going to get
defensive.
I understand that they'regenuinely wanting something from
me that is from me.
I think you should be gratefulFor me.
It's like if I'm reaching out toyou and I say this a lot of
(49:20):
times with my private clients.
If they're reaching out to youto get something, they're not
trying to get it from anyoneelse, they're trying to get it
from you.
There's 8 billion people in theworld and they're putting that
onus on you.
Like, I want love, affection,attention and validation from
you.
I would be honored.
I genuinely do feel that way inrelationships.
When someone chooses me, I feelvery honored, like wow, you
(49:42):
could be with anyone.
Does that lower my self-worth?
Like, do I not think I'mamazing?
No, yes, I know I'm amazing,but I'm not taking it for
granted that I, like I alwaystell you in an intimate
relationship, you're the onlyone that can provide that level
of intimacy to your partner.
They can't just go get sex andlove and affection and attention
from anybody.
They get it from you.
They get that from you.
You're their person.
(50:03):
So if they're wanting more ofthat from you, that's where the
soft love comes in, and so I'mgoing to go into you know, a
part two of this.
But I just want you to recognizethat having soft love in your
PMDD relationship definitelydoes regulate your nervous
system, make your PMDD symptomsless, and it gets you into this
(50:24):
place where you go from, even ifyou're in, you can get to the
realm of PMDD rage.
You go from crazy to calm, likeyou go, just like it just calms
you down so much to where youdon't feel the need.
Even if you feel the urge, youdon't feel the need to overreact
and to act out of character,which I think is a gift within
(50:44):
itself.
It's like I can have somethingtrigger me.
I can make up a story in mymind, but if I have a partner
that's giving me soft love andthey're able to initially
reassure me there's no leads togo to level five of Jumanji,
like I don't need to go.
You know crazy about something.
(51:04):
If, as soon as I mentioned itto my person, they're like oh,
I'm sorry, babe, I didn't meanthat.
Taking accountability is likelowering the.
It's like, wow, so you get me,so you understand why that
impacted me and you'rereassuring me that that wasn't
your intention, thank you, andyou're willing to move on and
not be bitter about the factthat I brought it up.
So now I feel emotionally safewith bringing up anything that
(51:27):
is going on with me.
It's strengthening our intimacy, that's it.
That's it.
Like soft love is the move.
So I'm going to talk about thisa little bit later, but I just
want you to know if soft love issomething that and I know that
it's not natural for everyone Iwant to say that if you're in a
relationship where you don'texperience soft love, where you
(51:49):
just feel emotionally safe andsecure and you feel like you can
say anything to your partner,they're not going to go off.
You're not going to have to bewalking on eggshells.
This is something that you canlearn.
This is a skill that you canlearn.
For some people it comesnaturally because it's just
their personality, like they'renot in not even a realm of
people pleasing.
Personality like they're notand not even in realm of people
(52:12):
pleasing.
They're just very well aware oflike emotions, which is, I feel
, like my part, my partner, myperson, my person is very well
aware like the shifts in themoods and stuff.
That comes naturally to him.
Whether he's trying to do it ornot, he notices the shifts in
mood and so it's easy for him toaddress the shifts in mood and
for some of you that it doesn'tcome natural.
You can learn this.
This is a skill that you canlearn.
(52:32):
Go to the link in my bio.
Go to the link in the show notes, go to inlovepmddcom, and I can
work with you and teach you oryour partner how to get to that
point where you are showing upwith the soft love, not the
aggressive, defensive criticismspiral and loop of fighting and
arguing and no one feels safeand you feel like you're
(52:54):
fighting against your partnerand you didn't get in a
relationship to go to war.
So if you're in the realm of,you're like I'm tired, I am
tired, I'm exhausted, I'm tiredof fighting, I'm tired of
defending.
I'm tired of you know, all ofdefending.
I'm tired of all of thesethings of trying to convince
people.
That's where I was, I was justin this place, of just being
(53:17):
like I'm done, trying to do allthese forcing.
I think that's the biggest thingis, I didn't want to force
anymore.
I was tired of forcing and Ijust got to the point I'm like,
well, I'm not going to forceanything anymore.
It is what it is.
I'm going to sit back and seehow a person is and then see if
(53:37):
I want to allow them to be intomy life and that again, that's
for me with dating In my alludiophase and PMDD.
I'm going to sit back becauseif you orchestrate this whole
scenario and you do all thesethings and blah, blah, blah, and
then a person shows up the wayyou want, you know that they're
only showing up the way that youwant because of the things that
you're doing, not becausethat's what they're genuinely
(53:57):
going to do.
A lot of you need to just reallytake a step back and just see
who you're with.
Take a step back, see whoyou're with and then you can
decide what you need to work on.
But if you're always pushingand forcing and telling and
nagging you need to do this andyou need to do that, you're
never going to know who theytruly are and what they're truly
(54:20):
willing to do, because who theyare and what they're truly
willing to do, that's what'sgoing to be sustainable, because
it's them.
And you just need to know whoyou're with specifically for
PMDD, because you need to knowwhat is going to be sustainable
and if that's something that youneed clarity on, once you get
to that point and you're like,okay, I know who I'm with and I
(54:43):
know what I need, like I toldyou earlier how I had to have
that clarity of knowing what itis that I needed.
If you need to go through thatjourney of getting clarity with
that.
Go to inlovewithpmddcom, getthose counseling sessions and
until next time we got this, Ilove you.
Today I want to talk to you about soft love and your
PMDD relationship.
This is something that I onlythat I desire to be with, but
(00:29):
that is conducive for my lutealphase.
As I've spoken to you earlieron other episodes, I've told you
that so many times I've chosenpartners when I'm in my
follicular phase.
I've tried to make it work whenI'm in PMDD, and this
particular time I didn't want todo that.
I wanted to make sure thatwhoever I chose to be my PMDD
(00:52):
partner, my PMDD companion, wasgood for me in my luteal phase
of PMDD, because it really doesimpact your symptoms and as I'm
in this realm of discoveringwhat that looks like, you know,
if you're my private client, Ialways say to you, like, when
you're describing what it isthat you want, I always say what
does that look like?
(01:13):
What does that look like?
And the best way to describethis is the day in the life with
the person that you want to bewith and when you're in your
luteal phase, what is the bestcase scenario?
And for me it's kind of likeworking your way backwards.
You have to understand thetriggers and this is different
for everybody.
For every one of my privateclients, it is different for
(01:35):
what we work on, based off ofwhat causes you the most
suffering, what causes you themost stress, and then I get you
the opposite of that.
I get you the antithesis ofwhatever causes you the most
stress in your PMDD relationship.
This is for the partner thathas PMDD and the partner that
doesn't.
I find out what causes you themost stress and then I give you
the opposite of that and we mapthat out and see what that looks
(01:58):
like.
And for me I was like whatcauses the most stress in my
PMDD relationships that I'vebeen in in the past?
You know I don't regret anyrelationship that I've ever been
in while having premenstrualdysphoric disorder.
I've had it for over 19 yearsnow and I don't regret it.
It's always taught me something.
I learned so much about myself.
(02:19):
I relate so much to my privateclients, every partner that I've
had.
I've been very curious as totheir experience, not just my
experience of having PMDD, buttheir experience of being with
someone who has PMDD.
What does that look like forthem?
What is it that I can do tohelp them?
What works, what doesn't work?
So I don't regret any of thoseexperiences, but I'm very aware
(02:44):
now of what works for mespecifically and what doesn't,
and if any of this resonateswith you, you're going to
realize it very, very early on.
And it is something that I wason a walk earlier today.
I was walking my dog, leo,which I do every single day If
you follow me on Instagram, youknow my PMDD partner's morning
routine and I was walking my dog, leo, and I was just baffled at
(03:08):
how I'm in this relationship.
So I'm in this relationshipwith someone who is so it's hard
to find one word because I'mit's.
(03:28):
It's so easy, right, and I knowa lot of things when you're in
a PMDD relationship are not easy, and I'm not saying it's always
going to be like this.
I can only speak on the theface of you know relationship
that we're in right now.
But I remember choosing wisely.
I have a mentor that told methis earlier in my journey and I
(03:50):
didn't really understand itwhen she said choose wisely.
Choose wisely who you arechoosing to spend your life with
, who you are choosing to giveyour energy to, who you are
choosing to connect to, becauseit's going to impact every other
area of your life.
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah,like it sounds when someone
says choose wisely, it soundslike, yeah, of course you're
going to choose wisely.
(04:11):
I don't think that I've alwaysdone that on my journey.
I think I've been veryimpulsive with my choosing
because I'm such an optimist,and so I've always been in this
place of like, yeah, I'm justgoing to choose who I feel is
right for the moment, and thenanything else that we have to
figure out we'll figure out.
I remember one time I was datingsomeone and they were like what
do you want me to do?
(04:31):
Just drop everything that I'mdoing and just fully commit to
you and get married and allthese things?
And I'm like, yes, like, for me, committing to someone is not
an issue for me.
I'm the opposite of an avoidant.
I am very in it.
I'm very secure when it comesto loyalty.
I'm very secure when it comesto commitment.
I'm very clear on what thatlooks like and what I want.
(04:53):
And so I've gotten intorelationships where people have
said things and I've justassumed that whatever it is that
they're saying is just going tocome to fruition and that's it.
And now that I've kind of takenmy time with knowing that when
I'm choosing wisely, it takestime to see who a person really
is and you really need to be ina level of flexibility with a
(05:17):
person when you're dating.
If you're married, that's acompletely different story, or
you're in a committedrelationship I'll speak on that
in a minute but when you'redating, before you commit
specifically with PMDD, you needto see.
I noticed for me I said twomonths, two months of full
cycles, meaning ovulation,luteal phase, follicular phase,
(05:38):
menstrual phase.
I need to see how you react tome in two full cycles, because
one cycle could be a fluke.
You know how you have thosemonths in PMDD where you're like
, oh, that was a light month andthen the next month is complete
hell.
I need to see how you are.
I would say two to three, andagain, for me too, that was a
(05:59):
big deal.
For me, I waited a full twocycles before I committed to
being with this person, becauseI am.
I'm such a monogamous person,I'm such a relationship person.
Obviously that's what I do,that's what I believe in.
I don't believe that we'resupposed to do life alone.
I believe in connection, Ibelieve in relationships and,
specifically if you have PMDD, Idon't think it's something that
(06:21):
you're supposed to sufferthrough alone.
I don't think it's somethingthat you're supposed to suffer
through alone.
I don't think that your partneris supposed to suffer with you,
but I mean, I think that you'resupposed to be in relationship
to have that level of support.
So when I'm dating, it wasreally hard for me to be casual.
It was really hard for me to becasual and I think the biggest
way that I was able to be casualwas saying, oh, I don't want a
(06:42):
partner and you can listen tothe episode before that.
I was like I don't want apartner, I want a companion,
which is what I have right nowand I'm so happy, I'm so at
peace and it's so new for me,it's so new for me to not be
with someone.
That's like we're gettingmarried tomorrow and we're going
to commit our lives to eachother and I need to know that I
(07:05):
have that level of security inorder to feel safe.
And I'm cautioned saying this,but I've honestly not felt this
safe in a relationship in a very, very, very long time.
And it was really hard wrappingmy head around it, because
whenever something happens in mylife, that's really good.
I try to go back to like, okay,what did I do to cause this?
(07:28):
Like what, what, what you knowtool did I use Cause?
I'm trying to pass it on to youand I've actually been doing
less.
I've been doing less andgetting more, and what I mean by
that.
I've just been being myself.
So when I started dating a yearago, it was all of these
tactics and things like in thedating community.
(07:49):
It's like you need to do thisand you need to not do this and
you need to make sure this is,and there was so many rules and
you're kind of like walking oneggshells a little bit because
you're trying to do the rightthing to get the right person
and there's so many games andghosting and love bombing and
I've been through it all.
And I'm grateful to have beenthrough it all because it helps
me with my clients, like whenthey're talking about things, I
(08:12):
know exactly what they'retalking about.
I've been in the midst of thelove bombing, in the midst of
the ghosting, in the midst ofthe manipulation, in the midst
of the narcissist.
I've been in the midst of allof it.
So it's made me better.
But I remember thinking tomyself I need to be very clear
on what kind of individual Ineed in my luteal phase of PMDD,
(08:33):
what kind of person that I need.
And the best way to do thatsometimes is just to go opposite
.
What don't you need?
And that's what I recognized.
I was like, okay, I know thisfrom my past experience and
again, it's different for everysingle person, but for me, when
I'm in my luteal phase, I caneasily be triggered by my
(08:54):
childhood trauma.
So then it was kind of easy forme to kind of map out okay,
what is the opposite of mychildhood trauma, what was my
childhood trauma?
My childhood trauma was a lotof verbal abuse, a lot of
physical abuse and within that,that's how I know when I go into
my luteal phase, I need that'swhat we're talking about today a
(09:15):
soft love from the person thatI'm with.
I need a soft love.
I can't do the harsh tone.
I can't do the yelling, thescreaming, the cursing out, the
disrespect.
I can't do the questioning asfar as intention, the
manipulation, the narcissistictendencies.
(09:36):
I can't do that in a PMDDrelationship without my symptoms
being impacted.
So when I was looking at addingsomeone to my life, I was
really like I want to addsomeone to my life that are not
going to make my PMDD symptomsworse.
Obviously, I'm taking fullresponsibility for having
premenstrual dysphoric disorder.
What do I always tell you?
Pmdd is not my fault, but it'smy responsibility to manage.
(09:59):
So I'm not looking for someonethat's going to make my PMDD
easier or make my life easier.
I am fully aware of what I needto do independently to manage
my PMDD symptoms and I justneeded to make sure that,
whoever it is that I'm adding tomy life, it is just going to be
in alignment with that Meaning.
(10:21):
Whatever it is that I set up todo in my luteal phase to manage
my PMDD symptoms, that they'renot going to have an issue with
it, because for me, I'm such agiver that I don't want anything
that I'm doing to make you feelbad about being in a
relationship with me.
If I'm doing a tool and I'mdoing something that I know that
(10:43):
I need to do to manage my PMDDsymptoms, I don't want it to
hurt you, because then I'm goingto have to make a choice
between choosing myself orchoosing you Like.
Am I going to do the thing thatI know is going to make my PMDD
better or am I going to do thething that's going to make you
better being in a PMDDrelationship with me?
And I've done those, I've madethose decisions and I've
abandoned myself.
And then I've become bitter andresentful later on because I've
(11:04):
suffered because of it.
So I really just felt like Ineeded to be with someone that's
in alignment with the life thatI live.
In my luteal phase, myfollicular phase, I have no
issue.
I have no issue being withanyone.
I could be a chameleon becauseI'm so go with the flow, I'm so
optimistic, I'm so like.
I don't have an issue in myfollicular phase being with
(11:26):
anyone, because I have that kindof level of emotional
intelligence where it's like Ican adapt to different
environments.
If you're an extrovert, ifyou're an introvert, if you want
to stay in like I can find thejoy in a lot of things.
But in my luteal phase I have tobe very intentional.
So I'm not saying that to brag,I'm not saying that to boast.
I'm saying in my luteal phase Ihave to be very intentional.
I am not that person in myfollicular phase and I do have
(11:50):
that split of my personality andI have to like really not be
ashamed of that and I found thekind of.
Again, I will always tell youI'm not going to be one of those
people that are like I lovePMDD, it's the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
No, I'm not going to say thatPMDD absolutely does suck, but I
do know that when I'm in myluteal phase I can't just go
(12:11):
with the flow.
In my follicular phase I can gowith the flow and everything's
great, even in ovulation.
For me, for menstruation, I haveto be more intentional, but
when I'm in my luteal phase Ihave to really be in a place of
like what is it that is going tomake my symptoms worse and not
feel ashamed for what that lookslike.
(12:32):
For me it's a hard love and Iknow from in the past that I
don't fault any of the partnersthat I've been with that have
given me that kind of like hardlove because I do have a very
good balance of masculine andfeminine energy, meaning I can
be very masculine when it comesto getting things done.
(12:52):
I can be very masculine even inmy morning routine when I'm
getting up, because I do get upat five o'clock in the morning
and I do do my PMDD partner'smorning routine and I do move my
body and I'm very intentionalabout how I do.
My mindset.
I'm very like motivational andI have that aspect of me, but
then I also have that aspect ofme in my evening routine, in my
(13:16):
end of day, like I think I waschoosing people for my morning
routine without choosing someonefor my evening routine, and
that was mind boggling for me.
I was choosing someone that wasmirroring me, like in the
morning.
We're getting up early in themorning and we're working out
and we're being supermotivational and we're getting
things done and we're settinggoals and we're making stuff
(13:38):
happen.
And I wanted someone thatappreciated that and I really
thought I needed someone tomirror that.
I really did.
I was like, if someone's goingto know me, if someone's going
to resonate with me, I needsomeone that's going to do the
same routine that I did.
So I prided myself on choosingsomeone Honestly, honestly,
truly.
There's a small percentage ofpeople that live the lifestyle
(14:00):
that I live from the hours of 5am I would even say 5 am to noon
, and to noon I'm in mymasculine energy, I'm in my peak
energy, I'm getting things done.
After that I kind of trail offinto my feminine energy, where
I'm kind of a little bit softer,I'm a little bit more open.
(14:21):
I need extra care, like itswitches for me, and this is on
a day-to-day basis, whether I'min my luteal phase or not.
I've been on this journey ofdiscovering myself and I was
like, why am I having issueswith individuals when I'm in my
luteal phase?
When I asked for this, like Iasked for someone to be super
aggressive, I asked for someoneto be super intentional and not
(14:42):
passive and super, like, let'sget this done.
And I value that in individuals.
I really do value someonethat's motivated, someone that's
disciplined.
But when it comes to the timesof day where I wanna connect and
I wanna feel loved and I wannafeel cared for, I was like, what
time of the day is that for me?
Because, I'll be honest, in themorning I just want to get up
(15:06):
and get things done, because Iwant to feel good about resting,
I want to feel good aboutconnecting.
It's hard for me to connectwith someone when I know that I
have this long to-do list ofthings to do that I haven't
gotten done.
Like my brain and my body won'tallow me to relax and it's just
(15:28):
to really lean in and be loving, which is one of my biggest
tools.
It won't allow me to do that IfI know I have this long list of
things that I just ofresponsibilities that I haven't
taken care of, and that comesfrom years of being a single mom
.
You know, my daughter isturning 16 this year and I've
been essentially a single momfor 14 out of those 16 years,
because even when my ex and Iwere together, we were long
distance.
So I've always been doing theparenting thing by myself.
I've always been running thebusiness by myself Multiple
(15:49):
businesses.
I have multiple endeavors andserving in my community.
I've always been doing that onmy own and I've gotten to a
place where I'm like okay, Ilike to connect, knowing this
about myself, I like to connectwhen the work is done, when I
can feel proud of myself like Igot up, I got this done, I serve
myself first.
(16:09):
So I am very clear on that.
Like my boundaries are, I willpour into myself first, so then
I'm able to pour into my partner, my clients, my daughter, my
dog, like everybody.
But I will choose myself first,because I know what that looks
like to be depleted and not haveenough to give to someone and
to just be in that place of likepouring and pouring and pouring
(16:31):
and there's nothing in there.
So I was like, okay, I had tolike timeline this and I
challenge you to do the samething.
If you're thinking about this,what times of the day do you
want to connect with your personthe most?
And for my private clients andeven my exes like I had an ex
where they wanted to connect inthe morning.
That was their time where theywere going to start their day,
(16:53):
but they wanted to lean in andbe loving in the morning and it
was harder for me.
It was really hard for me toconnect in the morning because
that was my time to get thethings done.
So it was kind of like when Iwas choosing someone that wanted
to connect in the morning, Iwas, I was.
It was hard for me to bepresent and I felt really bad
about that.
But it's like I can't be fullypresent if I have, if I'm not
(17:16):
present with myself and whatwould happen is I would switch
and be like, oh, they want toconnect in the morning, so I
would neglect doing my PMDDpartner's morning routine and I
would always regret it.
And I've become a little bitbitter and resentful because I
was pouring, like I say, I waspouring from an empty cup, I
didn't have it in me.
I did not have it in me but Iwas giving it to the person
(17:36):
because I felt like that was myresponsibility.
And so when I went into dating Ihad to be very strategic,
specifically for my luteal phase.
I need to see that I can bewith this person.
And when I'm in my luteal phaseand I'm doing my PMDD partner's
morning routine, it was kind ofgetting clear, Get clear on the
lifestyle that you want to liveand you can do this for
(17:57):
yourself If you're dating, ifyou're single and you have PMDD.
Get clear on a day in the lifein your luteal phase.
And I did that and I was like,okay, I would get up in the
morning and I would do my PMDDpartner's morning routine and
then after that I would shower,get dressed, check in with
clients, I would check in withmy daughter, I would cause I
(18:19):
homeschool her and I would doall these things.
And I would kind of do a day inthe life of like when I would
connect with my partner.
What that would look like.
And that was my kind of barrier.
That was like, okay, can I, canI be with this person and
they're okay with that?
Because I knew that it was apossibility that I wouldn't be
okay with that.
(18:40):
If, if they weren't okay withthat, like I would switch it up.
If I felt like they weren'tgoing to be accepting of it, I
would be like, oh, I'm not goingto do that, and then that would
impact how I showed up, and soI just really it was this push
and pull of thinking that Ineeded to orchestrate it and I
needed to, you know, make ithappen, because that's my
(19:01):
masculine energy.
It's like make it happen.
I had one of the colleges I wentto was like their motto was
like find a way or make it.
What is it?
Find a way or make one?
And so I get in this masculineenergy when I wasn't dating and
I was like I need to find a wayor make one, and it's like, no,
you don't.
No, you don't.
You need to find someone thatis in alignment with the
(19:24):
lifestyle that you want to live.
That was the biggest light bulbthat came off for me.
It's not about creating aperson that is in alignment.
It's about finding a personwho's already in alignment, who
already wants to do and be whoit is that you need them to be,
and I have that.
And so when I was looking atthat, I was like, okay, this is
(19:44):
what my day in the life is goingto look like.
So between the hours of likefive o'clock in the morning and
noon, I'm in my masculine energy, I'm grinding.
Can I pause and send a textmessage or call and check in?
Absolutely, but I'm in, go, go,go, go go.
As my day goes, like when itcomes to like noon and like
maybe five or six, like I'mwinding down, and then, when it
(20:08):
comes to when I come home orwhenever I'm done with work or
done with client calls, I wantto have this soft love that
we're going to talk about today.
That's when I want to lean intobeing with my partner the most,
and I needed to choose someonethat wanted the same thing, that
I was providing them with whatit is that they needed, because
it's really important to me thatI'm giving that person what
(20:32):
they want to.
Like I don't want.
I've been in relationships likewhere they're only doing things
because I want them to do them,not because I'm asking them or
demanding it, but it's like if Iwant to be with Rose, I need to
do these things and I, andthat's not sustainable because
you end up doing things that yougenuinely don't want to do.
(20:53):
That's hard for you to do, butyou're doing them just so you
can be with me, and it's notsustainable, and I really was
like I don't want to put thatkind of pressure or expectation
on anyone else.
And so what a soft love is inyour PMDD relationship.
It's being in a relationshipwhere there's a lot of
compassion, where there's a lotof patience that prioritizes
emotional safety, emotionalunderstanding and support.
(21:16):
It acknowledges the uniquechallenges of PMDD premenstrual
dysphoric disorder with theemotional side, with the
physical side, with the mentalside and it allows you to be in
a relationship where there's alot of grace and empathy.
There's a lot of grace for howyou show up, and what I mean by
grace is understanding thestruggle that you're going
(21:37):
through and not blaming you forit, not shaming you for it, not
thinking that you're maliciouslydoing it, but just having you
be in a place where they're likeI understand how that could.
I can understand how that canbe hard for you and really
understanding your journey, andso I want to talk about what
that looks like.
But before I get into that, I'mgoing to talk about how I knew
(22:02):
that I needed a soft love in myPMDD relationship.
Because once I got that clarity, I feel like it just came to me
.
And I don't want to say that Imanifested it, I don't want to
say that I did all the tricksabout it.
I just think that when I saw it, when I felt it, I knew that
this is what I need.
And I feel like a lot of timeswhen you're dating with PMDD,
(22:24):
you don't know what you need.
Until you know what you needand what I mean by that, you
don't know what you need as faras what that looks like when you
find that person, until you'vegotten really clear with
yourself, by yourself, offiguring out what kind of
partner you need in your lutealphase.
So I would challenge you to dothat.
I do this with all my privateclients, even if you're already
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in a relationship, because wecan always redefine
relationships.
We can always go back to thedrawing board and say you know
what we need a fresh start inour PMDD relationship and it
needs to look like this, and Ido this for both partners what
does it look like during PMDD?
What is it that you need?
And for me, I can't believe it,but my love language has changed
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.
Like when I spent some timewith myself and really
recognized what I needed in myluteal phase, I recognized how
much of who I was had shiftedfrom prior relationships.
I would 100% tell you, do notgo off of how you were in
previous relationships and justassume that, oh, this is what I
need.
Like, look at yourself rightnow.
Life is gonna.
(23:29):
You know you're gonna changeand grow and, like always, fall
back on who you are right now.
Life is going to.
You know you're going to changeand grow and, like always, fall
back on who you are right nowand what it is that you need,
because it's going to changeover time.
And if you're in a relationship, it's okay to change and shift
with your partner, but you haveto like, do the work to make
sure that you're shifting andchanging and the other person
knows how you're shifting andchanging.
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So for me, I used to think thatmy love language is just words
of affirmation, absolutely.
I would tell you all day wordsof affirmation.
And now, now and when I reallygot to know myself and my luteal
phase specifically, like mylove language is absolutely
physical touch, which is likemind boggling.
For me, physical touch is mylove language, and then I would
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say words would come after it.
Physical touch, I would saywords, quality time, acts of
service, and then gifts is stilllast.
I love gifts and I've been witha lot of partners that love to
give gifts, like I'm.
The person I'm in arelationship with now loves to
give me flowers.
Like my gifts are not elaborate, like my gifts are.
They have to be thoughtful andmeaningful and just in alignment
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with all the things.
But physical touch is a reallybig one for me Kindness,
gentleness, words that make mefeel safe and secure, and that's
what's been so helpful for mein my luteal phase Feeling
protected.
I noticed that when I havephysical touch, I feel protected
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, I feel safe, I feel like I canbe open, I can be vulnerable,
it's not going to be usedagainst me and my PMDD symptoms
are so much less because I feellike I have the grace.
One of my biggest things is timemanagement and that's something
that I'm always working on.
I'm always trying to get betterat it.
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It's a constant struggle andI've just kind of gotten to the
point where I'm like, okay, I doa billion things and I try to
cram everything in, and I knowthat that lends to my time
management, and so when I'mdating, I remember always
thinking or I'm in arelationship I remember always
thinking about how am I going toshow up and have time to
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connect when I have all of theseother things going on?
And one of the things that theperson that I'm dating does for
me is to let me.
It's so good for my nervoussystem, like when he comes to
pick me up when we go on dates,when we go out, and I'm like
rushing, because I can get in mybrain, especially when I'm in
my luteal phase I can be allover the place.
I got to do this and I got todo that and I got to do this.
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And he's always so calm to mycrazy and I'm like, oh my gosh,
I got to do this thing.
And he's like take your time.
Just him saying take your timeregulates my nervous system to
not feel like he's waiting on me.
He's going to say somethingabout me being late, all of
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these things, and when I saylate I mean five, 10 minutes,
like all the things.
I'm not leaving you for like anhour, you know.
But I mean my biggest thing withtime management has always been
if I'm running a little bitlate doing something, it's
because I'm helping someone else.
So that was always mydiscrepancy with people that I'm
dating or in a relationshipwith that made me feel bad about
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being late.
It's like you know me.
If you're dating me, if youhave a behind the scenes impact
on my life.
Like you know what I'm doing ona day to day basis, you know
I'm not wasting any time.
I'm always doing something andso if I'm late it's because I'm
helping someone else and so Ineed you to have that level of
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grace and that's where the softlove comes in.
It's like I have grace.
I know you have a lot on yourplate.
Like I told you about that datethat I was on early on my
journey, almost a year agoactually, where I was like
spending time with my daughterright before I was going on a
date and they literally like hadsuch an attitude because I was
like 10 minutes late and I waslike, if I feel like it's gonna,
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you know, cause me more stressand overwhelm my brain,
especially in PMDD, it's likewhat's the point?
Like you're always gonnadisappoint them and you know
like I need the flexibility, Ineed the grace.
I need the grace to be likeokay, I understand that what
you're going through, I knowthat you're not late maliciously
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, like I'm just happy to see you.
So whenever he comes to pick meup, he's always on time, which
I respect and I love.
And then when I'm like, oh mygosh, babe, I'm on my way, and
blah, blah, blah, he's like takeyour time, take your time
beautiful, take your timebeautiful.
For me it's like thank you.
And again it's like thank you.
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And again I don't, I don't, Idon't take that for granted and
think that he's he may not beirritated or he may not be
annoyed that I'm running 10minutes late, but he's able to
regulate his emotions in a senseof like he's not going to make
me feel bad about being 10minutes late because of some
rigidness like I can't do,rigidness of like it needs to be
like this.
And I can't do that because,guess what?
Remember what I told youearlier when I'm in the morning,
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I'm in my masculine energy, I'mon a schedule.
I have to do this, I have to dothat.
I already do that in myday-to-day life.
I can't do that in my personallife as far as connecting with
my partner, because then I neverhave a break.
I feel like I have to always beon.
And in your nervous system, whenyou feel like you always have
to be on, like you don't havethe opportunity to have any
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times where you just have thislevel of flexibility, it's
horrible.
It's horrible because you feellike you're always walking on
eggshells with yourself.
You're like I gotta do this formy partner.
I gotta do this Because youfeel like if you don't do it,
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they're gonna be pissed off andmad and irritated and then it's
going to be a problem in yourrelationship.
And so what a soft love does isthe first thing is it validates
your emotions.
I was in the car with the personI'm dating.
I feel like I should.
I feel like, because I declaredthat I don't want a PMDD
partner and I have a PMDDcompanion, I just don't feel
weird about being.
I just feel weird about beinglike I'm a PMDD companion.
But I will just say the personthat I'm in a relationship with.
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I guess I'll say my person,because I feel like I keep
repeating.
I'll just say my person.
My person validates my emotions.
There was and you know I willhe's's very intuitive, very
intuitive as far as feelingemotions, I didn't even know
that I needed that, where Idon't have to overly explain
that the vibe was off.
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Like you know me if you followme on social media, I'm all
about good vibes, only,obviously, when you're in your
luteal phase.
It's not good vibes all thetime.
But like you can try, you know,like you can try.
And so he said the other day itwas like quiet in the car.
I was feeling some type of wayabout something and I really
didn't want to say it.
So I was like I don't know ifthis is an issue.
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And we were in the car and itwas just like silent.
And he's from another countryand so there's like a language
thing, and so I think it's socute because the way he said it
I was just like what he was likeyou got a problem with me, but
it wasn't like in aconfrontational way and I was
(30:42):
like what?
And then he said to me helooked at me, he was holding my
hand again, physical touch, andhe was like if you have a
problem with me, if you have anissue with me, like you can tell
me, just let me know.
So there was this validation ofmy emotions and kind of like
saying like I'm not going to getoffensive, I'm not going to get
defensive, I just want to knowif you have an issue, like if
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the vibe is off, just like, letme know.
So it wasn't about dismissingor minimizing my experiences
during my luteal phase, becauseI did.
I was in PMDD and I woke upwith all of these thoughts, but
I knew it was a me thing.
I knew it was a luteal phase,me thing, and so I wasn't trying
to project that on him.
But he felt the shift in energyand he was like you got a
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problem.
So when you have soft love inyour PMDD relationship, they're
validating your emotions.
I said, yeah, like I think itwas a situation where we didn't
cuddle, like because I know mylove language is physical touch
we didn't cuddle, like we werespending time together, but we
didn't really cuddle.
We're kind of talking blah,blah, blah and I didn't think it
(31:44):
was malicious or anything, butI just, you know I miss that
part A lot of times.
When you have an issue with yourpartner, it's not about you
have an issue with them.
It's like you're missingsomething.
You're missing those words ofaffirmation where they're
validating you.
You're missing that physicaltouch, you're missing that
quality time, you're missingsomething in your love language
and you need to be aware of thatbecause it is going to shift
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your vibe.
If you have unmet needs likecheck yourself, needs like check
yourself, you're missingsomething that you actually want
from them.
So it's not about getting madat them because they're not
giving you something.
It's like no, no, no, yougenuinely want something from
them and it's loving, and so youshould be able to just tell
them.
So we were in the car and Ilooked at him and he had such
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kindness and gentleness in hisapproach.
He's like you can just talk tome, you can just tell me.
And that was the next thing,that patience and understanding.
He was recognizing that when Ihad that irritability meaning my
mood shifted a little bit andemotional sensitivity I'm in my
luteal phase, I'm a little bitmore sensitive to not cuddling,
right, you know what I mean.
So then all I did was put youknow, cause he normally would
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have his hand on my leg.
Ed was put you know because henormally would have his hand on
my leg when we were driving inthe car, and I just took his
hand and I just put it on.
You know, I held his hand and Iput it on my leg and I was like
that's the problem, that's theproblem that I had with you.
And he's like okay, that's thenext thing, the non-reactive
communication, responding withcalmness and curiosity rather
(33:11):
than defensiveness andfrustration.
He was just curious.
It's like, what is it Like?
Listen, and if you're in anintimate relationship, your
partner knows like the vibe isoff, something's off, the mood
is off.
Like, just tell me what it is.
And he responded.
He didn't get defensive and belike what's the big deal?
I'm always, you know, beingphysically affectionate with you
.
Like why, you know beingphysically affectionate with you
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, like why are you, you know,having an issue with me?
Now I guess I'm the bad guy.
There was none of that.
It was like oh, it was likethank you for letting me know.
Now I can put my hand on yourleg and we're good.
I was floored at how easy thatwas.
Like my mood shifted because Iwasn't getting the physical
touch that I desired anddeserved.
And then he asked me about itand then I told him about it and
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then he just did it and it waslike no big deal.
He's like yeah, like we're goodand that was new for me for it
to not even have been an issuespecifically in your luteal
phase, with PMDD, rage and allthe things, because you're not
getting needs met and you'refeeling the need to fight for
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your right, like in thatmasculine energy, like I need to
let them know about, versusjust communicating gently and
calmly and letting them know Ialways tell you.
You know, if you're my privateclient, let's handle the
situation at the lowest levelbefore it escalates.
Like let's talk about it whenit's just a huh, I woke up and I
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didn't get the hug that Inormally get, or I were in the
car and he didn't put his handon my leg, or you know, I'm out
here and they didn't call metoday, or they didn't text me,
or I didn't get.
Like, when you first get thatfirst twinge of like huh, I
don't like this.
This is something I'm notcomfortable with.
This is what I want.
Blah, blah, blah.
Whatever, that first thing isaddress it with your partner in
(35:01):
a calm way and see if they'rewilling to just respond.
And that's the soft love.
The soft love is oh, baby, like, let me put my hand on your leg
and I'm like, oh, oh, like it'shard for you to react in a way
of PMDD rage and all those otherthings when that's their
response.
Like if you're saying I have anissue with you, you know, not
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putting your hand on my leg ornot holding my hand or not
opening the door, whatever it isthat you're wanting, whatever
you're loving, or just thatyou're needing, and they're
responding lovingly like comehere, come here, come here, I
got you, I love you, I got you,I care about you, I want your
needs to be met.
I'm sorry about that.
Like I'm going to be there foryou.
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You can't go off on someonethat's literally talking to you
like that in your luteal phase.
Like even if you're in the peakof PMDD, and your partner's
like oh, if you come to yourpartner and you're like I don't
like that, you did this and blah, blah, blah, blah, and they're
just like okay, okay, thank youfor bringing it to my attention.
Like I'm going to make sure Ido that.
I'm going to do it right now.
Change behavior.
Like you're going to be madbecause they missed the mark and
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they're admitting it andthey're taking accountability,
which is so huge A lot of times.
If your partners would takeaccountability or you would take
accountability.
Nothing would escalate.
If someone is literally comingto you with the white flag and
they're like hands in the air,like I didn't see it that way,
like I'm so sorry.
I never want to make you feelbad.
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What can I do?
What can I do to make it better?
I'm so sorry.
I never want to make you feelbad.
What can I do?
What can I do to make it better?
I'm sorry, it's on me.
It's on me.
Let the ego go, let the pridego.
I understand if you didn'tintentionally do it Like, yes,
he could have been like I didn'tmean to not touch your leg.
Talking about what you didn'tdo doesn't make it any better.
It's like just do the thing.
You know what I mean.
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It's like, hey, I would haveloved it.
Like if your partner comes toyou and be like I would have
loved it if you would have gaveme a kiss before you left this
morning.
And they're going on and on andon and talking about how they
would have loved if you wouldhave given them a kiss before
they left this morning andthey're defending to you why
they.
I was busy with this and I wasbusy with that.
Just stop what you're doing andkiss the person, kiss your
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partner Like that's it, that'sall they're wanting.
They're bringing it to yourattention to get the thing
no-transcript.
And so the next thing thathappens when you're in a soft
relationship is you give spacewhen needed, but you're
remaining emotionally availableand supportive.
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This is the balance right.
So we have individuals that canbecome avoided, where, when
you're in your luteal phase, youjust want to be in a hole and
you just want to isolateyourself and you just want to be
like I'm on my own.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Want to be like I'm on my own,blah, blah, blah, blah.
But when you are in a situationwhere you have soft love, you're
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giving your partner like, forexample, I was talking to my
person earlier today and they'relike oh, you know cause we
talked last night and they werelike, oh, we're going to spend
time together this evening.
But they were like, oh, I'mgoing to go out with my friends,
so I don't know how that'sgoing to work, blah, blah.
And I literally text back andI'm like go have fun with your
(38:15):
friends.
Like, I want you to have fun, Iwant you to have fun with your
friends.
And it's not a situation whereI could be like I'm going to be
pissed off, even though I'mtelling you that you can take
the space that you need.
So I think communicating theboundaries of like hey, it's a
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Saturday night, like I want tohave fun with my friends, like
before excuse me, before wedated, like I did this with my
friends, like I'm a verybalanced person when it comes to
obviously, because I do abillion things, like I want you
to do the things that bring joy,and it's a balance of I'm not
telling you to go do your thingand I'm not going to be
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emotionally available when youhave a soft love, you're
respecting the boundaries.
The boundaries are.
I understand we're spending allthis time together, we're in
this relationship, but I alsoneed time to spend with my
friends.
So I need the balance of that.
But for me it's like I'm alsogoing to be emotionally
available for you and supportive.
I'm going to be supportive ofyou spending time with your
friends and if you want to textme, call me while you're there,
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like there's nothing.
I did that last night.
I was out dancing like a lotdancing with my friends and he
called me and I stepped outsideand we talked and it was such a
soft love because it was like hewas respecting the fact that I
was out with my friends.
But he just wanted to talk andI was still emotionally
available.
You know, you can get to thepoint where you're avoiding,
(39:39):
where you're like I'm doing mything, like why are you
bothering me?
But no, you still can beemotionally available while
you're respecting the boundariesof your person, meaning you can
respect the fact that they needspace.
But if they call you whilethey're taking space, you can
still be emotionally available.
You can't be like oh, thoughtyou wanted to be on your own.
What are you doing?
(40:00):
Calling me Like don't be petty,when you're respecting their
boundaries.
If your partner says I need togo on a walk in order to calm
down, because I'm in PMDD rageand I have all this stuff going
on because you know I'm a bigproponent for taking space, if
you're in that situation whereyour partner is taking space and
then they come back, don't havean attitude when they come back
(40:20):
.
That's not soft love, that'snot being supportive, that's
being petty, that's being in theego.
It's like oh, now you want totalk to me?
Yeah, chicken nugget.
Like maybe I needed to take awalk in order to get to that
place.
This is how you can miss.
This is how you can be oneperson and be doing the work, or
you miss it, meaning one persongoing to walk and they regulate
their emotions, they come backbut then the other person
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doesn't want to talk to them.
The other partner doesn't wantto talk to them because then
they have an issue with the factthat you didn't stay in the
argument or the fight andbecause you walked away, because
they're not respecting yourboundaries and understanding
that it's a healthy thing to do,because they're just wanting to
get their needs met and that'sit.
They're not thinking about howyou're feeling in your capacity.
Then it becomes an issue withyou having boundaries because
(41:03):
one person is not respectingthem.
While being emotionallyavailable, you should feel good
about the fact that your partneris setting boundaries that make
them feel good Like I wouldn'twant to be with my person and
know that they had a full sociallife, and then now they're with
me and it's like all about meand they're not doing anything
that they used to do to have fun.
No, you genuinely should wantthe best for your partner and I
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genuinely want the best.
So I'm like, if you want to gohave fun, go have fun.
And he was so grateful.
He's like, oh my gosh, you'reso supportive, thanks, babe.
And I'm like, yeah, go have fun.
Like this is not a prison, thisis not like we're not locked in
here where you can't goanywhere and another.
The next thing when you havesoft love is shared
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responsibility helping withdaily tasks and responsibility
when you feel overwhelmed orfatigued.
One of the biggest ways that myperson did this for me was I
travel a lot and I saw thisearly on how they were willing
to share some of theresponsibility when I had an
early morning flight and he waslike, oh, you're going here.
And I was like, yeah.
He was like send me youritinerary.
(42:09):
And he was like, okay, I'll bethere at this time.
I'm like for what?
I'm like you know, this airportis pretty far.
He's like, yeah, I'll be there.
That's what I mean by theshared responsibility.
He volunteered to take me tothe airport every time I travel.
He's like I'll be here at thistime, like, don't worry about it
.
And I'm like are you sure?
He's like, yeah, yeah, I'lltake you to the airport.
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Like that's what I mean byshared responsibility.
When you have a soft love,they're looking for something to
take off of your plate.
I didn't ask, and you may be ina situation where you have to
ask, because maybe you tell themand then they don't just really
instinctively do it.
But when you have a soft love,they're looking.
This person wants to dosomething to make your life
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easier.
They want to do something tomake your life better because I
guarantee you that there'ssomething that you provide for
them that makes their lifeeasier.
There's something that you dofor them, and I'm going to get
into that.
On the other side, it's veryreciprocal.
It's not like I'm just getting,getting, getting, and I'm not
like giving on a sense, but I'mdefinitely doing way less than I
(43:12):
was doing before.
And the next thing is theunconditional support, being in
a steady source of love andreassurance when your emotions
feel unpredictable, like ifyou're feeling moody, if you're
feeling emotionally sensitive,if you're feeling rejected and
you just.
There was another.
There was a time last weekwhere I was deep in my luteal
phase and we were both busy withour schedules.
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We both worked real lot and wedidn't text or talk that day and
for me that's really hugebecause communication is really
big for me, although, especiallywhen there's no physical touch,
like if I told you physicaltouch was my love language, and
then we're not talking, likewe're not talking or touching,
like that's huge for me.
And so I remember goingthroughout that day and really
thinking like I don't know, Iwas in the ego, I will tell you.
(43:56):
I was like I don't want to bethe one that like reach out, you
know, blah, blah, I'm going towait and see.
Well, the day went by and Iwaited and saw nothing happen
and then the next day he reachedout and I just was open and
vulnerable.
You know, I didn't put the wallup, which a lot of times you can
do when you feel offended oryou feel rejected.
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Specifically in your lutealphase, you can put this wall up
and it's like I don't want totell the person what I'm really
feeling, like they should knowor they should fix this or all
these things, but I literally Iwas like I feel like you forgot
about me.
There's so much power andvulnerability that I think is
undervalued A person thatgenuinely says what they mean in
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their luteal phase, not whatthey think that you want to hear
, not what the like I'm finewhen you're really not fine.
No, no, no, no, no, I thoughtyou forgot about me.
And initially his response wasare you crazy?
And he was laughing because hewas pretty much like forget
about you, like what are youtalking about?
And when he recognized that Iwas not playing, because I was
(45:01):
just like blink, blink, um, he,he did what he did, was he did
the next tool which I'm tellingyou, which is reassurance
without resentment, he was.
He offered me support withoutmaking me feel guilty for the
fact that I was having thatemotional reaction of feeling
rejected.
He literally said I'm sorry ifI hurt you, I'm sorry if I
(45:27):
didn't, by me not reaching outthat it hurt your feelings.
Like I'm sorry, like that's notmy intention, I love you, I
care about you, all the things.
And that was literally the endof it.
I was like, oh, it's okay, likethank you, it just it really
(45:48):
validated.
That's what soft love lookslike when you're in conflict.
And I don't even know if Icould call it conflict, but I
guess that was it.
But it was short, that's how Iknow.
It was short-lived because itwas kind of the situation where
it was kind of like I had anissue and my issue was again not
getting my needs met.
A lot of the issues that youhave with your partner which is
not getting your needs met, alot of the issues that you have
(46:08):
with your partner was just notgetting your needs met.
I wanted more attention and Ididn't.
I've gotten to the point whereI'm so open, I'm so vulnerable.
I'm not gonna feel bad about ifI'm with a person.
I'm not gonna feel bad aboutwanting love, affection,
attention, validation.
That's what I want.
That's why I'm in arelationship Like duh.
And he offered me thatreassurance and he didn't feel
(46:29):
resentful.
Like why would you think that?
Because then you start talkingabout things that don't really
matter.
Like what does it matter?
Why I thought it?
The fact is I felt like Iwasn't getting the love,
affection, attention, validationthat I needed on that specific
day.
Like I had a really hard dayand you don't even have to
explain yourself.
Even if you didn't have areally hard day, I wanted to
talk to you and then he said,when we saw each other in person
(46:51):
, he's like babe, why didn't youjust call me?
And that's when I had torecognize I was like dang, I was
in the ego Because he wouldnever not answer my call.
Like if I call and he's notavailable, he'll immediately
text me.
Like hey, I'm with a client,blah, blah, blah, blah, and I'm
like, okay, cool.
So it was kind of like itwasn't like a bitter, like what
(47:13):
you mean, like why didn't youjust call me if you wanted to
talk to me?
It wasn't that, it was kind oflike I'm here, like you can call
me anytime, but why didn't youcall?
Like basically a curiositymindset when you have a soft
love, they genuinely want toknow what is the barrier.
What was the barrier with mejust reaching out and asking for
what it is that I needed For me?
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That was the ego, because it'slike I don't want to be the one
that's me coming out of thedating world where there's so
many rules of you need to dothis and you can't do this.
Before this, and I was in theego when, honestly, I could have
just called, I could have justbeen like hey, babe, I'm
thinking about you.
And he was like oh, like he's.
(47:54):
So it's the soft love thatimmediately when I talk to him
and he answers the phone, Iimmediately feel seeing her
validated.
Immediately he's like, hey,baby, what's going on?
And I'm like there it is,that's it, and a lot of times,
some of you, that's just whatyou need.
You just need to know thatyou're with a person that stops
(48:16):
the world to put their focus onyou for that moment.
Does it need to last for 40days and 40 nights?
No, but you need to know thatyou're that special and you are
that you're that special and youare that.
You're that special to someoneto just stop and be like.
My baby's calling me, mydarling is calling me, my love
is calling me, whatever you wantto call them.
(48:37):
And then the next thing is thatself-regulation.
So it's the non-PMDD partner,the PMDD partner that's
practicing regulating theiremotions to avoid escalating the
conflict or misunderstanding.
If your partner is bringingsomething to you who suffers
with PMDD, and you feel likethey're bringing something to
you that you're not doing itintentionally, but you're
(48:59):
feeling like you're gettingattacked and you're getting
criticized.
When you have soft love, you'rejust like I'm not going to get
defensive.
I understand that they'regenuinely wanting something from
me that is from me.
I think you should be gratefulFor me.
It's like if I'm reaching out toyou and I say this a lot of
(49:20):
times with my private clients.
If they're reaching out to youto get something, they're not
trying to get it from anyoneelse, they're trying to get it
from you.
There's 8 billion people in theworld and they're putting that
onus on you.
Like, I want love, affection,attention and validation from
you.
I would be honored.
I genuinely do feel that way inrelationships.
When someone chooses me, I feelvery honored, like wow, you
(49:42):
could be with anyone.
Does that lower my self-worth?
Like, do I not think I'mamazing?
No, yes, I know I'm amazing,but I'm not taking it for
granted that I, like I alwaystell you in an intimate
relationship, you're the onlyone that can provide that level
of intimacy to your partner.
They can't just go get sex andlove and affection and attention
from anybody.
They get it from you.
They get that from you.
You're their person.
(50:03):
So if they're wanting more ofthat from you, that's where the
soft love comes in, and so I'mgoing to go into you know, a
part two of this.
But I just want you to recognizethat having soft love in your
PMDD relationship definitelydoes regulate your nervous
system, make your PMDD symptomsless, and it gets you into this
(50:24):
place where you go from, even ifyou're in, you can get to the
realm of PMDD rage.
You go from crazy to calm, likeyou go, just like it just calms
you down so much to where youdon't feel the need.
Even if you feel the urge, youdon't feel the need to overreact
and to act out of character,which I think is a gift within
(50:44):
itself.
It's like I can have somethingtrigger me.
I can make up a story in mymind, but if I have a partner
that's giving me soft love andthey're able to initially
reassure me there's no leads togo to level five of Jumanji,
like I don't need to go.
You know crazy about something.
(51:04):
If, as soon as I mentioned itto my person, they're like oh,
I'm sorry, babe, I didn't meanthat.
Taking accountability is likelowering the.
It's like, wow, so you get me,so you understand why that
impacted me and you'rereassuring me that that wasn't
your intention, thank you, andyou're willing to move on and
not be bitter about the factthat I brought it up.
So now I feel emotionally safewith bringing up anything that
(51:27):
is going on with me.
It's strengthening our intimacy, that's it.
That's it.
Like soft love is the move.
So I'm going to talk about thisa little bit later, but I just
want you to know if soft love issomething that and I know that
it's not natural for everyone Iwant to say that if you're in a
relationship where you don'texperience soft love, where you
(51:49):
just feel emotionally safe andsecure and you feel like you can
say anything to your partner,they're not going to go off.
You're not going to have to bewalking on eggshells.
This is something that you canlearn.
This is a skill that you canlearn.
For some people it comesnaturally because it's just
their personality, like they'renot in not even a realm of
people pleasing.
Personality like they're notand not even in realm of people
(52:12):
pleasing.
They're just very well aware oflike emotions, which is, I feel
, like my part, my partner, myperson, my person is very well
aware like the shifts in themoods and stuff.
That comes naturally to him.
Whether he's trying to do it ornot, he notices the shifts in
mood and so it's easy for him toaddress the shifts in mood and
for some of you that it doesn'tcome natural.
You can learn this.
This is a skill that you canlearn.
(52:32):
Go to the link in my bio.
Go to the link in the show notes, go to inlovepmddcom, and I can
work with you and teach you oryour partner how to get to that
point where you are showing upwith the soft love, not the
aggressive, defensive criticismspiral and loop of fighting and
arguing and no one feels safeand you feel like you're
(52:54):
fighting against your partnerand you didn't get in a
relationship to go to war.
So if you're in the realm of,you're like I'm tired, I am
tired, I'm exhausted, I'm tiredof fighting, I'm tired of
defending.
I'm tired of you know, all ofdefending.
I'm tired of all of thesethings of trying to convince
people.
That's where I was, I was justin this place, of just being
(53:17):
like I'm done, trying to do allthese forcing.
I think that's the biggest thingis, I didn't want to force
anymore.
I was tired of forcing and Ijust got to the point I'm like,
well, I'm not going to forceanything anymore.
It is what it is.
I'm going to sit back and seehow a person is and then see if
(53:37):
I want to allow them to be intomy life and that again, that's
for me with dating In my alludiophase and PMDD.
I'm going to sit back becauseif you orchestrate this whole
scenario and you do all thesethings and blah, blah, blah, and
then a person shows up the wayyou want, you know that they're
only showing up the way that youwant because of the things that
you're doing, not becausethat's what they're genuinely
(53:57):
going to do.
A lot of you need to just reallytake a step back and just see
who you're with.
Take a step back, see whoyou're with and then you can
decide what you need to work on.
But if you're always pushingand forcing and telling and
nagging you need to do this andyou need to do that, you're
never going to know who theytruly are and what they're truly
(54:20):
willing to do, because who theyare and what they're truly
willing to do, that's what'sgoing to be sustainable, because
it's them.
And you just need to know whoyou're with specifically for
PMDD, because you need to knowwhat is going to be sustainable
and if that's something that youneed clarity on, once you get
to that point and you're like,okay, I know who I'm with and I
(54:43):
know what I need, like I toldyou earlier how I had to have
that clarity of knowing what itis that I needed.
If you need to go through thatjourney of getting clarity with
that.
Go to inlovewithpmddcom, getthose counseling sessions and
until next time we got this, Ilove you.
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