May 1, 2025 • 36 mins
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Freedom comes when we stop trying to control what others think about our PMDD. For years, I struggled with relationships while managing my premenstrual dysphoric disorder symptoms, constantly trying to make partners understand, adapt, and show up differently during my luteal phase. The breakthrough came when I discovered the "Let Them Theory" – a revolutionary approach to PMDD relationships that changed everything.
This philosophy isn't about giving up or settling for less. It's about radical acceptance and reclaiming your power. When your partner doesn't want to attend therapy sessions, doesn't believe PMDD is real, or blames every argument on your hormones – let them. Not because these behaviors are acceptable, but because your constant attempts to change them drain the precious energy you need for your own healing.
The most painful aspect of PMDD relationships is often the monthly breakup cycle – where conflicts escalate during luteal phase, relationships fracture, then reconcile when symptoms subside. This cycle keeps both partners trapped in an exhausting pattern where nothing truly changes. The Let Them Theory breaks this pattern by releasing the need to control others' responses to your condition.
What happens when you stop fighting to make someone understand your PMDD? You create space for authentic connection – either with a partner who naturally aligns with your needs or with yourself. You recognize that you deserve someone who doesn't require convincing to support you, who doesn't weaponize your symptoms, who sees both versions of you as worthy of compassion.
Whether you have PMDD or love someone who does, this episode offers a transformative perspective that frees you from the endless cycle of explanation, disappointment, and frustration. Your healing journey is yours alone – and the right relationship will support that journey, not become another obstacle to overcome.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Today I want to talk to you about the Let them Theory
, which is one of the books thatis widely spread.
It is New York Times bestsellerby Mel Robbins, and when I was
going through my dating journey,this is one of the things that
I came across, because thealgorithm will literally bring
(00:21):
you anything that you'rethinking in your mind.
And I really wanted to tailorthis to PMDD relationships
because it really helped me whenI was in my journey of dating
and having premenstrualdysphoric disorder.
And the let them theorybasically is a viral piece of
reflective writing thatencourages you to let go of the
(00:46):
controls of how other peopletreat you, and this was really
big for me, because what you'resupposed to do is instead focus
on your own peace, your ownself-worth, your own alignment
and, of course, your ownself-love and all of the things
that.
I know that it can really betaboo when you're just like just
love yourself, but a lot oftimes what other people have
(01:09):
done to me or what they weredoing to me was really impacting
how I was living my life, how Iwas feeling about myself, and I
was finding myself stuckbecause I would be doing all of
this work.
I would be doing all of thisreflection, I would be doing all
of these things andrelationships and my PMDD and
like evolving, but what youcan't do is control the other
(01:30):
person.
You can only control yourself.
And so you kind of get to thisbrick road, like this block,
where you're like I can onlycontrol what I'm doing, but I
cannot control what they'redoing and you can convince them
and you can show them the way.
It's kind of like that phrasewhere you can like lead a horse
to water but you can't forcethem to drink.
(01:51):
And that's where I felt like Iwas at in so many of my PMDD
relationships, where I knew thetools.
And I think it's when you startto work on yourself and when you
start to recognize yourpatterns and what's going on in
the relationship and things thatyou know that your partner
needs to do, and you're like,hey, you need to do this or this
(02:12):
would really help you or thiswould really help us.
Like if you would just get onboard with this, then we would
be good.
And you get to the point whereyou're like I can't make them.
I cannot make them do thethings that I know would
actually benefit ourrelationships.
I've had a lot of privateclients tell that to me, where
they're saying, hey, we need tohave these private sessions.
(02:34):
And so we get on these sessionsone-on-one and we get to a
point and it's like, okay, let'sintegrate this all together.
I have this amazing packagecalled the PMDD Relationship
Pyramid Package and what it isis it's one session with you as
the individual that's sufferingwith PMDD, one session with a
partner, and then I have onetogether and we customize all of
(02:59):
the tools that I've used withthe both of you and we put them
together and we make a plan.
And that's one of my mostpopular packages.
And I remember there was a lotof frustration with a couple of
my clients because their partnerwouldn't come, so like they
would buy the package and bewilling to come on the sessions
but their partner wouldn't comeand they would feel so
discouraged and like, kind oflike at this roadblock where
(03:22):
it's like I can only do what Ican do, kind of like at this
roadblock where it's like I canonly do what I can do, I can't
make my partner come to thesesessions, and they would feel
discouraged for all of theprogress that they made.
And I remember saying to themon one of our sessions, like, if
they don't want to come to thesession, like let them, let them
not come to the session.
I don't want you to lose sightof the progress that you're
(03:45):
making and trying to manage yourPMDD symptoms and to control
what's coming up for you whenyou're in your luteal phase and
to make sure things are good inyour relationship.
I don't want you to discreditthat because your partner is not
showing up in the way that youfeel like they should show up,
because what it does, it erasesyour progress.
So that's when I began to saylike, oh, my gosh, when I was
(04:07):
reading this book for my ownpersonal development, because I
read a book every single month,at least one.
I try to do more than one, likemaybe two.
I try to read one book and thendo Audible with one book and the
Lectum Theory because I loveMel Robbins she's amazing came
out and I was like, oh, I'mgoing to listen to hers and I
was listening to it and itreally influenced what I told my
(04:30):
client that day, because theywere stressing and they were
like they were actually askingme like hey, you need to email
them and tell them they need tocome on the session and tell
them they need to do this andtell them they need to do that.
And I literally said, withouteven thinking about it, I said,
if they don't want to come onthe session, let them.
Let them not come on thesession.
You're making so much progressand I don't want you to feel
(04:55):
like their lack of effort is areflection of your effort, if
that makes sense.
Meaning I don't want you tofeel like, because they're not
coming on the sessions, thatyou're not making any progress,
that you're not doing any workbecause of what I had to do was
remind them of where theystarted and where they currently
were, and you cannot wait forsomeone to be ready.
(05:19):
And it doesn't mean again, I'malways saying it doesn't mean
you have to break up with them.
It doesn't mean you don't needto be with them.
It doesn't mean that they'retoxic, that they're manipulative
, that they're a narcissist.
I'm not giving you permissionto break up with your partner
because they're not willing todo the work in order to stay in
the relationship.
What I'm saying is it took youa while to get to that point
(05:40):
where you're saying, hey, I needhelp.
Think about it, think about it.
Think about it when you'resaying to yourself, when you
finally come to me and you'relike, hey, I need sessions for
my PMDD relationship or my PMDD.
You've been listening to me formonths, for years, some of you
and then you're like okay, Ifinally know it's time and I
(06:01):
know that you're the one thatreally understands me like you
get me, but it took you a while.
So if your partner's not thereyet, they're not there yet.
So you have to get into thatrealm of being like let them,
I'm going to continue on myjourney.
I don't want you to stop beingon your journey just because
it's not like aligned with whereyour partner is.
(06:22):
You can't make them be intothat place.
What I will tell you is thatpain will get you to that place.
A lot of the clients that havecome to me have been when
they're in crisis, when they'rein pain, when their partner's
about to leave them, whenthey're about to lose their
family, when they're feelinglike I've done everything that I
can do and I'm seeing the samecycle of the same issues that
(06:44):
we're having.
We're having them again andagain and again because, like I
said, if nothing changes,nothing changes, and so when
they get to that point.
Then they're like oh, I thinkI'm ready to have sessions,
that's fine.
There's no judgment, because Iknow for me, even with me making
any big decisions in my PMDDrelationships, I have had to get
(07:04):
to a point where I was inenough pain, where I said enough
is enough.
I can't do this the same way.
I can't go another month likethis.
That's the good thing aboutpremenstrual dysphoric disorder
is that it's cyclical Meaning.
Whatever you're going throughthis month, if you haven't dealt
with it, if you haven'tprocessed it, if you haven't put
tools in place, you'reguaranteed to go through the
(07:26):
same thing the next month.
So you don't have to think andpredict.
And I wonder what next month isgoing to be like.
Next month is going to be likethis month unless you do
something about it.
Doing something about it.
One of the biggest complimentsthat I got from a couple of
clients this last month whereI've been limiting my private
(07:48):
clients I've only been takingfive private clients couples,
individually or coupled permonth because we've been having
multiple sessions intensives andshe literally emailed me and
she's like Dr Rose this is thefirst month that I've known that
I had PMDD in my luteal phaseand we did not have a fight, we
(08:10):
did not have an argument,meaning my symptoms were not
impacted, my symptoms were notworse, and I just want to thank
you so much and I'm lookingforward to future sessions.
And that, for me, was thebiggest compliment, because
that's the goal.
The goal is not for everythingto go perfect where things don't
(08:31):
come up.
The goal is for, when thingscome up, you have the tools to
do something about it and you'relike this is what PMDD is
bringing up.
This is a tool that Dr Rosegave us.
Let's use the tool and thenwe're good.
And that for me, I was like,and I didn't even ask for the
feedback.
And if you're my client and yousent me that email, thank you
(08:54):
so much.
You know who you are, but Ididn't even ask for that
feedback.
But that is literally the goal.
If I still have premenstrualdysphoric disorder, I will
always tell you I'm not here tocure your PMDD.
If you're looking for someoneto say this is the magic pill to
take, this is what you need todo in your PMDD relationships
(09:17):
and never have it ever again.
Unfortunately, I'm not yourdoctor, because I still suffer
with premenstrual disorder everysingle month, but I will
absolutely give you the tools ofwhat you can do when a lot of
these issues come up, and that'sthe gift in it.
And so when I was listening tomy clients say all of these
(09:40):
things that she was, she was sofrustrated, not for what her
progress was, not for where shewas, but for where her partner
was.
And here's one thing I want totell you and I'm going to get
really personal here.
I feel like I always do is thatI had to deal with a lot of
detachment in dating when itcame to premenstrual dysphoric
(10:04):
disorder relationships, when itcame to having relationships and
having PMDD, I had to detachbecause I would get so attached
to what my partner is doing.
I do believe and I don't know ifit's because of my profession
as a doctor, as a counselorbefore that I was a coach of
being like a fixer, like I'm avery solution oriented person,
(10:27):
and so if an issue comes up, I'mnormally like okay, this is
what we need to do.
And there's some things thatyou cannot avoid.
I'm going to create a word hereyou cannot solutionize, and
what I mean is you cannot make asolution for something that one
(10:47):
of my mentors says.
You can't give medicine topeople that like to stay sick
and meaning there's some benefitthat they're getting out of
being in that place, of beingsick, there's some level of
attention, there's some level ofvalidation, there's some level
of identity where they're notwanting to get out of it.
And I've dealt with there's somany types of private clients
(11:09):
where I've given them the toolsand I'm like this is what you
need to do.
And every tool was met with anexcuse oh, dr Rose, I can't do
this because of this.
Oh, we tried this already.
Oh, we did this.
And I'm like wait a minute.
You came here, you hired me,I'm giving you solutions and
you're continuously telling mewhy it's not going to work, why
(11:31):
you're going to stay in thesituation that you're in.
And there was this likeforcefulness with it and I was
just like well, then what are wedoing?
If you genuinely feel likethere's no hope, if you
genuinely feel like there's noway out of this, you don't want
to break up, you can't staywhere you are in the
relationship, then what are wedoing?
And that's when I had to do thatin business, where I was just
(11:53):
like okay, well, if the clientdoes not want to take the advice
.
If they don't want to use thetools, if they don't want to do
the advice, if they don't wantto use the tools, if they don't
want to do the work, if theywant to just tell me how
horrible their PMDD is andthat's it, then I have to just
let them.
And that's when I started touse the let them theory in
business for my private clients,because I want this so much for
(12:20):
you, because I see thetransformation with a lot of my
clients but I can't make youbelieve it.
And part of the transformationlike part of you getting to the
place where you have months inluteal, where you're not having
fights, where you're not havingarguments, where you're not
having monthly breakups isbelieving that it's possible.
(12:40):
But what I noticed and I was sofrustrated with this I'm like I
can't make them believe.
But without that belief, thenit doesn't work.
My tools do not work.
If you do not have the beliefthat they work Meaning by the
time you come to me and you'reinvesting in working with me,
you need to be in a place whereyou have even just like the
(13:02):
Bible says, like a mustard seedlevel of faith, of like.
I believe that this could work.
But if you're going toconsistently tell me all the
reasons why it doesn't work,then it's a self-fulfilled
prophecy.
I always say this words havepower.
So if all you're going to do ona session with me is tell me
(13:23):
why it doesn't work, okay, Ijust have to let you.
I have to let you sit there andtell me all the reasons why.
You've been to differentcounselors, you've been to
different therapists, you'vedone talk therapy, which I
already told you doesn't workfor PMDD relationships and
you've done this.
And so when I say somethingthat's remotely similar, you're
like Dr Rose, yeah, yeah, Ican't do that, that's not gonna
(13:45):
work.
And I'm like well, you haven'ttried it and a lot of the tools
that I give you are based off ofyour cycle.
So therefore, I need to see youat different phases in your
cycle in order to tweak it.
You don't go to the gym ifyou're overweight and say I need
(14:05):
to be fit by next week and belike, oh, that's not going to
work because I've already had aprotein shake, or that's not
going to work because I'vealready done cardio, I've
already lifted a weight.
It's like you have to give it achance and so what?
The let them theory was allowingme to do from a business aspect
and then I'll get into therelationship aspect was just, I
(14:26):
can't not forcing you to do thethings that I know would help
you.
And I feel like, because I havepremenstrual disorder, there
was this level of urgency ofbeing like no, you need to do
this, because I know that thisis going to help you do this,
because I know that this isgoing to help you.
(14:46):
And it was literally hurting meto see people dismiss things
that I knew would help them, butbecause it was maybe similar to
what they had gone throughbefore, or they just genuinely
didn't believe it was going toget better, that they just
refused to do it.
And so I had me personally, inorder to keep going with my
business, I had to develop thelet them theory.
And then, when I got intodating, I had to develop the let
(15:09):
them theory.
You know, one of the thingsabout dating that was so hard
for me was that I just didn'tunderstand the motive behind it.
Like I didn't understand.
Like what are they getting outof this?
One of the things like ifsomeone would ghost me, for
example, I would be like well,what was the purpose of I'd be
like well, what's the purpose ofinvesting all of that time and
(15:29):
energy and taking me on datesand getting to know me and
having me tell my story?
Like, what was the purpose ofdoing all that if you weren't
going to, like, still be with meor want to be with me or, you
know, even be a friend?
Like I didn't understand,because I would never invest my
time.
My time is so valuable that Iwouldn't invest my time in
something unless I was gettingsomething out of it.
(15:50):
And so I would be like, why?
I kept wanting to know why andthat was the part that was
keeping me stuck and a lot of myPMDD dating experiences I was
like but why would they do that?
And when I developed the letthem theory, it was just like it
(16:11):
doesn't matter, why, just letthem.
And so I'm going to give you thepoem.
I'm going to do somethingamazing here, and you're going
to want to like listen to this.
Share this with anyone that youknow has PMDD or is in a PMDD
relationship.
Share it on your newsfeed.
If you share this on yoursocial media, please tag me.
Please tell me how this hasimpacted you.
Please tell me how this episodehas helped you, because I know
(16:31):
that this revelation has helpedso many of my private clients
and I want you to just keep thisgoing because it's gonna help
so many individuals that aredealing with premenstrual
dysphoric disorder relationshipsand I want you to share this
with them as a way of givingback.
I remember a time where I didn'thave anybody that was talking
about PMDD.
(16:51):
I had everybody that wastalking about PMDD relationships
and I was on this journey oflike.
I had a client tell me thislast week you're literally the
only one that I know that'sdoing what you're doing.
That is literally counselingspecifically for PMDD
relationships not just for PMDDand supplements and all of these
(17:12):
things, but PMDD relationshipsand really dealing with the core
of what happens, which is thePMDD monthly breakups and the
stress that goes on that causesyou to feel like breaking up is
your only option, and Iappreciated that level of like.
Yeah, I am, and I will neverstop doing this because I know
how much it impacts, because Iknow how much it's impacted me.
So I have this personalexperience, but please share
(17:35):
this, because I'm going to goover this poem right now and
then I'm going to go over thepoem that I strategically made
for PMDD relationships.
That is reflective of the letthem theory, and so what Mel
Robbins did was she created thispoem and it's based off of
someone earlier, so a lot ofpeople think that it was
(17:57):
originally from her.
But she just, she just remadewhich a lot of individuals do,
um, this let them theory thatthat really she took the theory
and applied it to what goes onin present day, and so she sighs
and drum roll please, let's go.
(18:17):
If they want to leave, let them.
If they choose someone else,let them.
If they ghost you, let them.
If they do not see your value,let them.
(18:40):
If they don't show up, let them.
And why?
Because when you let them, youcreate space for something
better, someone better, someonealigned, someone who sees you,
someone who chooses you, someonewho shows up and loves you back
(19:02):
.
So the let them theory is notabout giving up and saying just
let them, I'm not gonna get whatit is that I desire and deserve
.
It's about giving into what'sreal.
It's about this radicalacceptance of what is really
going on in your life.
It is surrendering control ofthings that you have no control
over, which is other people.
(19:23):
It is about protecting yourpeace.
It is about choosing you, andwhen you and this is me speaking
when you get to the point whereyou're saying let them, you're
taking the power out of otherindividuals' hands of
controlling how you feel whatthings should be like in your
(19:45):
relationship, in your life, andyou're really letting people be
who they are and then youchoosing what it is that you
want to accept.
If I tell you to do something,if I ask you to do something, if
I beg you to do something, if Inag you to do something, and
then you do it, it's not becausethe individual wanted to do it,
it's because of the ask.
But if I just let you do whatit is that you naturally do,
(20:10):
then I know that the actionsthat you're showing me is a
result of what is authentic inyou.
It is about what you genuinelywant to do, and so I want to
give you a couple of theories.
When it comes to the let themtheory, when it comes to PMDD,
because I know it's a lot oftrying to control other people,
(20:31):
trying to control what happensas far as how they view PMDD,
how your partner, you know,views the relationship, and the
biggest thing for me is the PMDDmonthly breakups.
So here we go.
This is the PMDD.
Let them theory for monthlybreakups right.
If they break up with you everymonth, let them.
(20:54):
If they say hurtful things andblame it on PMDD, let them.
If they can sit in the stormwithout running, let them.
If they treat your suffering asan inconvenience, let them.
If they love the version of youthat is in your follicular days
(21:19):
but not your luteal phase, letthem.
If they refuse to learn aboutPMDD or grow with you, let them.
Let them leave.
Let them threaten you, let thempull away.
Every single time it gets hard.
But when you let them, you stopfighting to hold on to what
(21:41):
keeps breaking you when you'rein PMDD.
You stop shrinking just to keepyour PMDD partner comfortable.
You stop trying to prove thatyou're worthy of staying with.
Premenstrual disorder is not anexcuse, but it's also not a
curse, and the right partnerwill know the difference.
(22:04):
The right partner will learnyour cycle.
The right partner will softenyou when the PMDD storms arise.
They won't take your survivalmode personally.
They won't weaponize yoursystem.
Your symptoms Let them go.
Weaponize your system, yoursymptoms, let them go.
(22:27):
The ones who confuse your painand the way that you act during
your symptoms of pain with beingunlovable.
Let them go.
The one who ghosts you duringyour darkest days in your luteal
phase, let them go and theyonly return when the light is
back on during your follicularphase, let them go.
You deserve a PMDD partner and alove that stays, a PMDD partner
(22:52):
that regulates your emotions,not retaliates, a love that says
it won't leave just becauseit's hard today in PMDD, let
them break up if they need toand let yourself break free of
that cycle of PMDD monthlybreakups, because your nervous
(23:14):
system deserves safety, itdeserves stability, it deserves
consistency and you deserve apartner who doesn't just stay
but truly sees you, hears you,validates you and what I really
this is.
The poem has ended, but what Ireally want you to understand
(23:35):
from this is I don't want you tosell yourself short because you
have premenstrual dysphoricdisorder.
I don't want you to sellyourself short because you're in
a relationship with someone whohas PMDD.
This is for both partners.
This is for the partner thathas PMDD and the partner that
doesn't.
And so the next part is a lotof things with the blaming and
(23:57):
shaming and criticism.
Oh, my goodness.
This is for every PMDD partnerand PMDD sufferer who's ever
been told you're too much?
Pmdd partner and PMDD suffererwho's ever been told you're too
much?
You're overreacting?
It's just your PMDD, it's notme.
You're already caring enough.
So today, this one is going tohelp you.
(24:18):
Let go of the blame and theshame and criticism, which are
the three things that are themost damaging to PMDD
relationships.
If they blame every PMDDargument on PMDD, let them.
If they say you're just beingcrazy, again, let them.
If they twist your pain into apersonal flaw, let them.
(24:42):
If they use your PMDD todiscredit the truth of what's
really going on in yourrelationship, let them.
If they shame your sensitivity,your tears, your rage, let them
.
If they only want the easyversion of you in your
follicular phase and criticizethe parts of the struggle in
(25:05):
your luteal phase, let them.
Let them say it's just anexcuse.
Let them roll their eyes atyour PMDD symptoms.
Let them ignore the research,the reality, the repeated PMDD
monthly fights, because when youlet them, you step out of the
cycle where you explain yourselfto someone who is not listening
(25:29):
anyway.
You stop giving your energy tosomeone who's more invested in
being right in their ego thanbeing with you.
You are not the blame for everybreakdown in your PMDD
relationship.
You are not the cause of everyconflict and every fight and
every blow up.
(25:49):
You are not shameful forfeeling deeply during the
hardest parts of your cycle,during your luteal phase, that
you didn't ask for.
And if your partner makes youfeel like you are, it is not
your safe place.
So let your partner criticizeyou.
Let them stay small in theirunderstanding and not try to
understand PMDD anymore.
(26:10):
Let them believe what they wantto believe.
And then you, you go somewherewhere your PMDD symptoms are not
weaponized, where your moodsare met with compassion, with
empathy, not control, where yourpain is witnessed and seen and
not used against you, becausePMDD is not your fight, it's not
(26:35):
your fault, but it is yourresponsibility to manage and
your love and your relationshipisn't meant for you to feel like
this.
So let them project everythingthat happens in PMDD onto you,
let them punish you, let themmisunderstand you and then let
yourself feel in peace.
And what I mean by that is youare releasing the control over
(27:01):
what happens in your lutealphase and what happens in your
PMDD relationship.
You're releasing it.
You're not saying that in orderfor me to feel healed.
My partner has to show up thisway or my partner has to do this
.
No, it doesn't matter what yourpartner does moving forward, it
matters on your journey withpremenstrual dysphoric disorder.
(27:22):
And if this spoke to you, ifyou're hearing this and you're
saying I would love to be inthis place of feeling like I can
just let them, it would feel sogood to be free of needing
their approval, of needing theiracceptance, of needing to feel
seen and heard and validated bymy partner in order for me to be
okay.
Again, this is for the partnerthat has PMDD and the partner
(27:45):
who doesn't.
If you don't have PMDD, but you,consistently, are trying to
tell your partner hey, a lot ofthe issues that we're having is
because of PMDD and they don'twant to believe it.
Let them, because they've heardyou, they've seen you suffer
because of this.
If they were going to believeit, they would have done it by
now.
You continuously telling them,draining yourself and letting
(28:09):
them know, hey, pmdd is aproblem.
We need to do this.
If they're not ready, they'renot ready.
You need to decide what's bestfor you.
And you may say, oh, this isvery selfish, you don't really
understand what's going on inour relationship.
You don't understand how manythings are going to be impacted.
I understand that suicidalideations happen with
individuals who have PMDD andindividuals who do not, and that
(28:34):
is how serious that I take this.
Let them theory.
This is how serious that I takeany of my private clients that
are coming to me and saying Idon't have any hope in my PMDD
relationship, I don't know whatto do about this.
I've seen lives be destroyedand ended ended because of
things that are going on in yourPMDD relationship, so why are
(28:57):
you continuously allowingyourself to drive yourself crazy
once you've already explainedyourself, you've already told
them.
This is what I need you to doNow.
If you haven't gotten to thatpoint and you haven't expressed
what it is that you need in yourPMDD relationship and that's
something that you need helpwith, then, yes, get the private
(29:17):
sessions and let's do thattogether if that's something
that you feel like you needassistance with.
But if you've told your partnerwhat it is that you need, I
need you to be more supportive,your partner what it is that you
need.
I need you to be moresupportive, I need you to be
more understanding, I need youto get help in this area and
they're not doing it.
Let them Stop begging them todo something that they're
probably never going to do,because you're going to drive
(29:37):
yourself crazy doing that andthey're going to be living their
life.
Pmdd doesn't make you too much.
It doesn't make you a burden.
It makes you someone whodeserves to be deeply understood
.
You know, individuals with PMDDhave partners with so many
different disorders anxiety,depression, adhd, insomnia, ptsd
(30:01):
all of these things and I tellyou both the same things.
When you're deciding to beconnected to one another, you're
taking on what it is thatthey're going through and you're
supposed to do it in a way of,with compassion.
So I want you to stay rooted inwho you are in the journey that
you're on, and stop trying tocontrol what your partner is
(30:23):
doing, whatever it is thatthey're doing, as long as
they're very knowledgeable aboutthe things that you're desiring
and you deserve.
And you've been verycommunicative and you told them.
You've told them once.
That's it.
Let them.
If they're making the consciouschoice to not do the things
that you know that you need donein the relationship, let them.
(30:45):
That's it.
No amount of repeating yourselfis going to cause them to do it
.
No amount of nagging, no amountof playing games, no amount of
pulling back, nothing that youcan do once they know what it is
that you need.
If they're not doing it,they're not going to do it and
you just have to let them.
And then, once you let them andyou just have to let them and
(31:07):
then, once you let them, thenyou let yourself decide what it
is that you desire and deserve,and I'm not going to tell you
that for you, but once you takethe focus off of them and you
put it on yourself and reallyrecognize what do I desire, what
do I deserve in thisrelationship, what can I handle,
and then you make thosedecisions accordingly.
(31:29):
That's the only thing that youcan control.
So, when you have this level ofanxiety and I know how it's
easier said than done, but whenyou have this level of anxiety,
I just need them to do this.
I just need them to do thatGive yourself what it is that
you're asking them to give you.
If they're not willing to giveit to you, if you're not feeling
(31:52):
loved, if you're not feelingseen, if you're not feeling
heard, if you're not feelingvalidated in your relationship
and that's something that youknow that you need, then I want
you to start doing the work tookay what can I do, because
you're the only one that you cancontrol.
So what can I do to make myselffeel like this?
Your partner is not responsiblefor the way that you feel, and
(32:16):
I know that this is a commonmisconception that when you're
in a relationship, your partneris required to do all the things
that make you feel good.
If they're not wanting to do it, let them not do it and then
let you.
It frees you up to do thethings that you can do to make
yourself feel better.
But it's the discovery processis number one.
(32:38):
What is it that I need to feelin order to feel safe and secure
and calm, so that mypremenstrual dysphoric disorder
symptoms are the lowest?
Safe and secure and calm?
What can I do?
And focus on that?
Because when you start to go onthat journey of really focusing
on yourself, you'll besurprised when you take the
(33:00):
pressure off of your partner andyou put it on yourself Again
the partner that has PMDD andthe partner that doesn't.
If you don't have PMDD and younotice that your mental health
is struggling because you'redrowning with trying to keep
this PMDD relationship together.
Put the focus back on you whatis it that I need to do?
And take a stance and createthose boundaries and say, I mean
(33:23):
, they're already not doing whatit is that you want them to do.
So you might as well create theboundaries and say, hey, this
is what I need and I'm going to.
I'm going to do it because Ineed to be healthy, I need to
live and not feel like I'mdrowning and I'm holding on by a
pinky thread.
You know what I mean Like I'mholding on and I'm not getting
(33:43):
anything in return.
Everybody needs to be likereplenished at some point.
So I want you to really thinkabout that right now.
Just pick one thing when itcomes to this let them theory,
with everything that you'veheard and I know a lot of you
take notes on these episodeswhen it comes to the let them
theory, what do you need to lethappen with the let them theory
(34:04):
in your life, with the let themtheory in your life, in your
PMDD relationship, and then gotowards doing that Until next
time.
We got this.
I love you.
Today I want to talk to you about the Let them Theory
, which is one of the books thatis widely spread.
It is New York Times bestsellerby Mel Robbins, and when I was
going through my dating journey,this is one of the things that
I came across, because thealgorithm will literally bring
(00:21):
you anything that you'rethinking in your mind.
And I really wanted to tailorthis to PMDD relationships
because it really helped me whenI was in my journey of dating
and having premenstrualdysphoric disorder.
And the let them theorybasically is a viral piece of
reflective writing thatencourages you to let go of the
(00:46):
controls of how other peopletreat you, and this was really
big for me, because what you'resupposed to do is instead focus
on your own peace, your ownself-worth, your own alignment
and, of course, your ownself-love and all of the things
that.
I know that it can really betaboo when you're just like just
love yourself, but a lot oftimes what other people have
(01:09):
done to me or what they weredoing to me was really impacting
how I was living my life, how Iwas feeling about myself, and I
was finding myself stuckbecause I would be doing all of
this work.
I would be doing all of thisreflection, I would be doing all
of these things andrelationships and my PMDD and
like evolving, but what youcan't do is control the other
(01:30):
person.
You can only control yourself.
And so you kind of get to thisbrick road, like this block,
where you're like I can onlycontrol what I'm doing, but I
cannot control what they'redoing and you can convince them
and you can show them the way.
It's kind of like that phrasewhere you can like lead a horse
to water but you can't forcethem to drink.
(01:51):
And that's where I felt like Iwas at in so many of my PMDD
relationships, where I knew thetools.
And I think it's when you startto work on yourself and when you
start to recognize yourpatterns and what's going on in
the relationship and things thatyou know that your partner
needs to do, and you're like,hey, you need to do this or this
(02:12):
would really help you or thiswould really help us.
Like if you would just get onboard with this, then we would
be good.
And you get to the point whereyou're like I can't make them.
I cannot make them do thethings that I know would
actually benefit ourrelationships.
I've had a lot of privateclients tell that to me, where
they're saying, hey, we need tohave these private sessions.
(02:34):
And so we get on these sessionsone-on-one and we get to a
point and it's like, okay, let'sintegrate this all together.
I have this amazing packagecalled the PMDD Relationship
Pyramid Package and what it isis it's one session with you as
the individual that's sufferingwith PMDD, one session with a
partner, and then I have onetogether and we customize all of
(02:59):
the tools that I've used withthe both of you and we put them
together and we make a plan.
And that's one of my mostpopular packages.
And I remember there was a lotof frustration with a couple of
my clients because their partnerwouldn't come, so like they
would buy the package and bewilling to come on the sessions
but their partner wouldn't comeand they would feel so
discouraged and like, kind oflike at this roadblock where
(03:22):
it's like I can only do what Ican do, kind of like at this
roadblock where it's like I canonly do what I can do, I can't
make my partner come to thesesessions, and they would feel
discouraged for all of theprogress that they made.
And I remember saying to themon one of our sessions, like, if
they don't want to come to thesession, like let them, let them
not come to the session.
I don't want you to lose sightof the progress that you're
(03:45):
making and trying to manage yourPMDD symptoms and to control
what's coming up for you whenyou're in your luteal phase and
to make sure things are good inyour relationship.
I don't want you to discreditthat because your partner is not
showing up in the way that youfeel like they should show up,
because what it does, it erasesyour progress.
So that's when I began to saylike, oh, my gosh, when I was
(04:07):
reading this book for my ownpersonal development, because I
read a book every single month,at least one.
I try to do more than one, likemaybe two.
I try to read one book and thendo Audible with one book and the
Lectum Theory because I loveMel Robbins she's amazing came
out and I was like, oh, I'mgoing to listen to hers and I
was listening to it and itreally influenced what I told my
(04:30):
client that day, because theywere stressing and they were
like they were actually askingme like hey, you need to email
them and tell them they need tocome on the session and tell
them they need to do this andtell them they need to do that.
And I literally said, withouteven thinking about it, I said,
if they don't want to come onthe session, let them.
Let them not come on thesession.
You're making so much progressand I don't want you to feel
(04:55):
like their lack of effort is areflection of your effort, if
that makes sense.
Meaning I don't want you tofeel like, because they're not
coming on the sessions, thatyou're not making any progress,
that you're not doing any workbecause of what I had to do was
remind them of where theystarted and where they currently
were, and you cannot wait forsomeone to be ready.
(05:19):
And it doesn't mean again, I'malways saying it doesn't mean
you have to break up with them.
It doesn't mean you don't needto be with them.
It doesn't mean that they'retoxic, that they're manipulative
, that they're a narcissist.
I'm not giving you permissionto break up with your partner
because they're not willing todo the work in order to stay in
the relationship.
What I'm saying is it took youa while to get to that point
(05:40):
where you're saying, hey, I needhelp.
Think about it, think about it.
Think about it when you'resaying to yourself, when you
finally come to me and you'relike, hey, I need sessions for
my PMDD relationship or my PMDD.
You've been listening to me formonths, for years, some of you
and then you're like okay, Ifinally know it's time and I
(06:01):
know that you're the one thatreally understands me like you
get me, but it took you a while.
So if your partner's not thereyet, they're not there yet.
So you have to get into thatrealm of being like let them,
I'm going to continue on myjourney.
I don't want you to stop beingon your journey just because
it's not like aligned with whereyour partner is.
(06:22):
You can't make them be intothat place.
What I will tell you is thatpain will get you to that place.
A lot of the clients that havecome to me have been when
they're in crisis, when they'rein pain, when their partner's
about to leave them, whenthey're about to lose their
family, when they're feelinglike I've done everything that I
can do and I'm seeing the samecycle of the same issues that
(06:44):
we're having.
We're having them again andagain and again because, like I
said, if nothing changes,nothing changes, and so when
they get to that point.
Then they're like oh, I thinkI'm ready to have sessions,
that's fine.
There's no judgment, because Iknow for me, even with me making
any big decisions in my PMDDrelationships, I have had to get
(07:04):
to a point where I was inenough pain, where I said enough
is enough.
I can't do this the same way.
I can't go another month likethis.
That's the good thing aboutpremenstrual dysphoric disorder
is that it's cyclical Meaning.
Whatever you're going throughthis month, if you haven't dealt
with it, if you haven'tprocessed it, if you haven't put
tools in place, you'reguaranteed to go through the
(07:26):
same thing the next month.
So you don't have to think andpredict.
And I wonder what next month isgoing to be like.
Next month is going to be likethis month unless you do
something about it.
Doing something about it.
One of the biggest complimentsthat I got from a couple of
clients this last month whereI've been limiting my private
(07:48):
clients I've only been takingfive private clients couples,
individually or coupled permonth because we've been having
multiple sessions intensives andshe literally emailed me and
she's like Dr Rose this is thefirst month that I've known that
I had PMDD in my luteal phaseand we did not have a fight, we
(08:10):
did not have an argument,meaning my symptoms were not
impacted, my symptoms were notworse, and I just want to thank
you so much and I'm lookingforward to future sessions.
And that, for me, was thebiggest compliment, because
that's the goal.
The goal is not for everythingto go perfect where things don't
(08:31):
come up.
The goal is for, when thingscome up, you have the tools to
do something about it and you'relike this is what PMDD is
bringing up.
This is a tool that Dr Rosegave us.
Let's use the tool and thenwe're good.
And that for me, I was like,and I didn't even ask for the
feedback.
And if you're my client and yousent me that email, thank you
(08:54):
so much.
You know who you are, but Ididn't even ask for that
feedback.
But that is literally the goal.
If I still have premenstrualdysphoric disorder, I will
always tell you I'm not here tocure your PMDD.
If you're looking for someoneto say this is the magic pill to
take, this is what you need todo in your PMDD relationships
(09:17):
and never have it ever again.
Unfortunately, I'm not yourdoctor, because I still suffer
with premenstrual disorder everysingle month, but I will
absolutely give you the tools ofwhat you can do when a lot of
these issues come up, and that'sthe gift in it.
And so when I was listening tomy clients say all of these
(09:40):
things that she was, she was sofrustrated, not for what her
progress was, not for where shewas, but for where her partner
was.
And here's one thing I want totell you and I'm going to get
really personal here.
I feel like I always do is thatI had to deal with a lot of
detachment in dating when itcame to premenstrual dysphoric
(10:04):
disorder relationships, when itcame to having relationships and
having PMDD, I had to detachbecause I would get so attached
to what my partner is doing.
I do believe and I don't know ifit's because of my profession
as a doctor, as a counselorbefore that I was a coach of
being like a fixer, like I'm avery solution oriented person,
(10:27):
and so if an issue comes up, I'mnormally like okay, this is
what we need to do.
And there's some things thatyou cannot avoid.
I'm going to create a word hereyou cannot solutionize, and
what I mean is you cannot make asolution for something that one
(10:47):
of my mentors says.
You can't give medicine topeople that like to stay sick
and meaning there's some benefitthat they're getting out of
being in that place, of beingsick, there's some level of
attention, there's some level ofvalidation, there's some level
of identity where they're notwanting to get out of it.
And I've dealt with there's somany types of private clients
(11:09):
where I've given them the toolsand I'm like this is what you
need to do.
And every tool was met with anexcuse oh, dr Rose, I can't do
this because of this.
Oh, we tried this already.
Oh, we did this.
And I'm like wait a minute.
You came here, you hired me,I'm giving you solutions and
you're continuously telling mewhy it's not going to work, why
(11:31):
you're going to stay in thesituation that you're in.
And there was this likeforcefulness with it and I was
just like well, then what are wedoing?
If you genuinely feel likethere's no hope, if you
genuinely feel like there's noway out of this, you don't want
to break up, you can't staywhere you are in the
relationship, then what are wedoing?
And that's when I had to do thatin business, where I was just
(11:53):
like okay, well, if the clientdoes not want to take the advice
.
If they don't want to use thetools, if they don't want to do
the advice, if they don't wantto use the tools, if they don't
want to do the work, if theywant to just tell me how
horrible their PMDD is andthat's it, then I have to just
let them.
And that's when I started touse the let them theory in
business for my private clients,because I want this so much for
(12:20):
you, because I see thetransformation with a lot of my
clients but I can't make youbelieve it.
And part of the transformationlike part of you getting to the
place where you have months inluteal, where you're not having
fights, where you're not havingarguments, where you're not
having monthly breakups isbelieving that it's possible.
(12:40):
But what I noticed and I was sofrustrated with this I'm like I
can't make them believe.
But without that belief, thenit doesn't work.
My tools do not work.
If you do not have the beliefthat they work Meaning by the
time you come to me and you'reinvesting in working with me,
you need to be in a place whereyou have even just like the
(13:02):
Bible says, like a mustard seedlevel of faith, of like.
I believe that this could work.
But if you're going toconsistently tell me all the
reasons why it doesn't work,then it's a self-fulfilled
prophecy.
I always say this words havepower.
So if all you're going to do ona session with me is tell me
(13:23):
why it doesn't work, okay, Ijust have to let you.
I have to let you sit there andtell me all the reasons why.
You've been to differentcounselors, you've been to
different therapists, you'vedone talk therapy, which I
already told you doesn't workfor PMDD relationships and
you've done this.
And so when I say somethingthat's remotely similar, you're
like Dr Rose, yeah, yeah, Ican't do that, that's not gonna
(13:45):
work.
And I'm like well, you haven'ttried it and a lot of the tools
that I give you are based off ofyour cycle.
So therefore, I need to see youat different phases in your
cycle in order to tweak it.
You don't go to the gym ifyou're overweight and say I need
(14:05):
to be fit by next week and belike, oh, that's not going to
work because I've already had aprotein shake, or that's not
going to work because I'vealready done cardio, I've
already lifted a weight.
It's like you have to give it achance and so what?
The let them theory was allowingme to do from a business aspect
and then I'll get into therelationship aspect was just, I
(14:26):
can't not forcing you to do thethings that I know would help
you.
And I feel like, because I havepremenstrual disorder, there
was this level of urgency ofbeing like no, you need to do
this, because I know that thisis going to help you do this,
because I know that this isgoing to help you.
(14:46):
And it was literally hurting meto see people dismiss things
that I knew would help them, butbecause it was maybe similar to
what they had gone throughbefore, or they just genuinely
didn't believe it was going toget better, that they just
refused to do it.
And so I had me personally, inorder to keep going with my
business, I had to develop thelet them theory.
And then, when I got intodating, I had to develop the let
(15:09):
them theory.
You know, one of the thingsabout dating that was so hard
for me was that I just didn'tunderstand the motive behind it.
Like I didn't understand.
Like what are they getting outof this?
One of the things like ifsomeone would ghost me, for
example, I would be like well,what was the purpose of I'd be
like well, what's the purpose ofinvesting all of that time and
(15:29):
energy and taking me on datesand getting to know me and
having me tell my story?
Like, what was the purpose ofdoing all that if you weren't
going to, like, still be with meor want to be with me or, you
know, even be a friend?
Like I didn't understand,because I would never invest my
time.
My time is so valuable that Iwouldn't invest my time in
something unless I was gettingsomething out of it.
(15:50):
And so I would be like, why?
I kept wanting to know why andthat was the part that was
keeping me stuck and a lot of myPMDD dating experiences I was
like but why would they do that?
And when I developed the letthem theory, it was just like it
(16:11):
doesn't matter, why, just letthem.
And so I'm going to give you thepoem.
I'm going to do somethingamazing here, and you're going
to want to like listen to this.
Share this with anyone that youknow has PMDD or is in a PMDD
relationship.
Share it on your newsfeed.
If you share this on yoursocial media, please tag me.
Please tell me how this hasimpacted you.
Please tell me how this episodehas helped you, because I know
(16:31):
that this revelation has helpedso many of my private clients
and I want you to just keep thisgoing because it's gonna help
so many individuals that aredealing with premenstrual
dysphoric disorder relationshipsand I want you to share this
with them as a way of givingback.
I remember a time where I didn'thave anybody that was talking
about PMDD.
(16:51):
I had everybody that wastalking about PMDD relationships
and I was on this journey oflike.
I had a client tell me thislast week you're literally the
only one that I know that'sdoing what you're doing.
That is literally counselingspecifically for PMDD
relationships not just for PMDDand supplements and all of these
(17:12):
things, but PMDD relationshipsand really dealing with the core
of what happens, which is thePMDD monthly breakups and the
stress that goes on that causesyou to feel like breaking up is
your only option, and Iappreciated that level of like.
Yeah, I am, and I will neverstop doing this because I know
how much it impacts, because Iknow how much it's impacted me.
So I have this personalexperience, but please share
(17:35):
this, because I'm going to goover this poem right now and
then I'm going to go over thepoem that I strategically made
for PMDD relationships.
That is reflective of the letthem theory, and so what Mel
Robbins did was she created thispoem and it's based off of
someone earlier, so a lot ofpeople think that it was
(17:57):
originally from her.
But she just, she just remadewhich a lot of individuals do,
um, this let them theory thatthat really she took the theory
and applied it to what goes onin present day, and so she sighs
and drum roll please, let's go.
(18:17):
If they want to leave, let them.
If they choose someone else,let them.
If they ghost you, let them.
If they do not see your value,let them.
(18:40):
If they don't show up, let them.
And why?
Because when you let them, youcreate space for something
better, someone better, someonealigned, someone who sees you,
someone who chooses you, someonewho shows up and loves you back
(19:02):
.
So the let them theory is notabout giving up and saying just
let them, I'm not gonna get whatit is that I desire and deserve
.
It's about giving into what'sreal.
It's about this radicalacceptance of what is really
going on in your life.
It is surrendering control ofthings that you have no control
over, which is other people.
(19:23):
It is about protecting yourpeace.
It is about choosing you, andwhen you and this is me speaking
when you get to the point whereyou're saying let them, you're
taking the power out of otherindividuals' hands of
controlling how you feel whatthings should be like in your
(19:45):
relationship, in your life, andyou're really letting people be
who they are and then youchoosing what it is that you
want to accept.
If I tell you to do something,if I ask you to do something, if
I beg you to do something, if Inag you to do something, and
then you do it, it's not becausethe individual wanted to do it,
it's because of the ask.
But if I just let you do whatit is that you naturally do,
(20:10):
then I know that the actionsthat you're showing me is a
result of what is authentic inyou.
It is about what you genuinelywant to do, and so I want to
give you a couple of theories.
When it comes to the let themtheory, when it comes to PMDD,
because I know it's a lot oftrying to control other people,
(20:31):
trying to control what happensas far as how they view PMDD,
how your partner, you know,views the relationship, and the
biggest thing for me is the PMDDmonthly breakups.
So here we go.
This is the PMDD.
Let them theory for monthlybreakups right.
If they break up with you everymonth, let them.
(20:54):
If they say hurtful things andblame it on PMDD, let them.
If they can sit in the stormwithout running, let them.
If they treat your suffering asan inconvenience, let them.
If they love the version of youthat is in your follicular days
(21:19):
but not your luteal phase, letthem.
If they refuse to learn aboutPMDD or grow with you, let them.
Let them leave.
Let them threaten you, let thempull away.
Every single time it gets hard.
But when you let them, you stopfighting to hold on to what
(21:41):
keeps breaking you when you'rein PMDD.
You stop shrinking just to keepyour PMDD partner comfortable.
You stop trying to prove thatyou're worthy of staying with.
Premenstrual disorder is not anexcuse, but it's also not a
curse, and the right partnerwill know the difference.
(22:04):
The right partner will learnyour cycle.
The right partner will softenyou when the PMDD storms arise.
They won't take your survivalmode personally.
They won't weaponize yoursystem.
Your symptoms Let them go.
Weaponize your system, yoursymptoms, let them go.
(22:27):
The ones who confuse your painand the way that you act during
your symptoms of pain with beingunlovable.
Let them go.
The one who ghosts you duringyour darkest days in your luteal
phase, let them go and theyonly return when the light is
back on during your follicularphase, let them go.
You deserve a PMDD partner and alove that stays, a PMDD partner
(22:52):
that regulates your emotions,not retaliates, a love that says
it won't leave just becauseit's hard today in PMDD, let
them break up if they need toand let yourself break free of
that cycle of PMDD monthlybreakups, because your nervous
(23:14):
system deserves safety, itdeserves stability, it deserves
consistency and you deserve apartner who doesn't just stay
but truly sees you, hears you,validates you and what I really
this is.
The poem has ended, but what Ireally want you to understand
(23:35):
from this is I don't want you tosell yourself short because you
have premenstrual dysphoricdisorder.
I don't want you to sellyourself short because you're in
a relationship with someone whohas PMDD.
This is for both partners.
This is for the partner thathas PMDD and the partner that
doesn't.
And so the next part is a lotof things with the blaming and
(23:57):
shaming and criticism.
Oh, my goodness.
This is for every PMDD partnerand PMDD sufferer who's ever
been told you're too much?
Pmdd partner and PMDD suffererwho's ever been told you're too
much?
You're overreacting?
It's just your PMDD, it's notme.
You're already caring enough.
So today, this one is going tohelp you.
(24:18):
Let go of the blame and theshame and criticism, which are
the three things that are themost damaging to PMDD
relationships.
If they blame every PMDDargument on PMDD, let them.
If they say you're just beingcrazy, again, let them.
If they twist your pain into apersonal flaw, let them.
(24:42):
If they use your PMDD todiscredit the truth of what's
really going on in yourrelationship, let them.
If they shame your sensitivity,your tears, your rage, let them
.
If they only want the easyversion of you in your
follicular phase and criticizethe parts of the struggle in
(25:05):
your luteal phase, let them.
Let them say it's just anexcuse.
Let them roll their eyes atyour PMDD symptoms.
Let them ignore the research,the reality, the repeated PMDD
monthly fights, because when youlet them, you step out of the
cycle where you explain yourselfto someone who is not listening
(25:29):
anyway.
You stop giving your energy tosomeone who's more invested in
being right in their ego thanbeing with you.
You are not the blame for everybreakdown in your PMDD
relationship.
You are not the cause of everyconflict and every fight and
every blow up.
(25:49):
You are not shameful forfeeling deeply during the
hardest parts of your cycle,during your luteal phase, that
you didn't ask for.
And if your partner makes youfeel like you are, it is not
your safe place.
So let your partner criticizeyou.
Let them stay small in theirunderstanding and not try to
understand PMDD anymore.
(26:10):
Let them believe what they wantto believe.
And then you, you go somewherewhere your PMDD symptoms are not
weaponized, where your moodsare met with compassion, with
empathy, not control, where yourpain is witnessed and seen and
not used against you, becausePMDD is not your fight, it's not
(26:35):
your fault, but it is yourresponsibility to manage and
your love and your relationshipisn't meant for you to feel like
this.
So let them project everythingthat happens in PMDD onto you,
let them punish you, let themmisunderstand you and then let
yourself feel in peace.
And what I mean by that is youare releasing the control over
(27:01):
what happens in your lutealphase and what happens in your
PMDD relationship.
You're releasing it.
You're not saying that in orderfor me to feel healed.
My partner has to show up thisway or my partner has to do this
.
No, it doesn't matter what yourpartner does moving forward, it
matters on your journey withpremenstrual dysphoric disorder.
(27:22):
And if this spoke to you, ifyou're hearing this and you're
saying I would love to be inthis place of feeling like I can
just let them, it would feel sogood to be free of needing
their approval, of needing theiracceptance, of needing to feel
seen and heard and validated bymy partner in order for me to be
okay.
Again, this is for the partnerthat has PMDD and the partner
(27:45):
who doesn't.
If you don't have PMDD, but you,consistently, are trying to
tell your partner hey, a lot ofthe issues that we're having is
because of PMDD and they don'twant to believe it.
Let them, because they've heardyou, they've seen you suffer
because of this.
If they were going to believeit, they would have done it by
now.
You continuously telling them,draining yourself and letting
(28:09):
them know, hey, pmdd is aproblem.
We need to do this.
If they're not ready, they'renot ready.
You need to decide what's bestfor you.
And you may say, oh, this isvery selfish, you don't really
understand what's going on inour relationship.
You don't understand how manythings are going to be impacted.
I understand that suicidalideations happen with
individuals who have PMDD andindividuals who do not, and that
(28:34):
is how serious that I take this.
Let them theory.
This is how serious that I takeany of my private clients that
are coming to me and saying Idon't have any hope in my PMDD
relationship, I don't know whatto do about this.
I've seen lives be destroyedand ended ended because of
things that are going on in yourPMDD relationship, so why are
(28:57):
you continuously allowingyourself to drive yourself crazy
once you've already explainedyourself, you've already told
them.
This is what I need you to doNow.
If you haven't gotten to thatpoint and you haven't expressed
what it is that you need in yourPMDD relationship and that's
something that you need helpwith, then, yes, get the private
(29:17):
sessions and let's do thattogether if that's something
that you feel like you needassistance with.
But if you've told your partnerwhat it is that you need, I
need you to be more supportive,your partner what it is that you
need.
I need you to be moresupportive, I need you to be
more understanding, I need youto get help in this area and
they're not doing it.
Let them Stop begging them todo something that they're
probably never going to do,because you're going to drive
(29:37):
yourself crazy doing that andthey're going to be living their
life.
Pmdd doesn't make you too much.
It doesn't make you a burden.
It makes you someone whodeserves to be deeply understood
.
You know, individuals with PMDDhave partners with so many
different disorders anxiety,depression, adhd, insomnia, ptsd
(30:01):
all of these things and I tellyou both the same things.
When you're deciding to beconnected to one another, you're
taking on what it is thatthey're going through and you're
supposed to do it in a way of,with compassion.
So I want you to stay rooted inwho you are in the journey that
you're on, and stop trying tocontrol what your partner is
(30:23):
doing, whatever it is thatthey're doing, as long as
they're very knowledgeable aboutthe things that you're desiring
and you deserve.
And you've been verycommunicative and you told them.
You've told them once.
That's it.
Let them.
If they're making the consciouschoice to not do the things
that you know that you need donein the relationship, let them.
(30:45):
That's it.
No amount of repeating yourselfis going to cause them to do it
.
No amount of nagging, no amountof playing games, no amount of
pulling back, nothing that youcan do once they know what it is
that you need.
If they're not doing it,they're not going to do it and
you just have to let them.
And then, once you let them andyou just have to let them and
(31:07):
then, once you let them, thenyou let yourself decide what it
is that you desire and deserve,and I'm not going to tell you
that for you, but once you takethe focus off of them and you
put it on yourself and reallyrecognize what do I desire, what
do I deserve in thisrelationship, what can I handle,
and then you make thosedecisions accordingly.
(31:29):
That's the only thing that youcan control.
So, when you have this level ofanxiety and I know how it's
easier said than done, but whenyou have this level of anxiety,
I just need them to do this.
I just need them to do thatGive yourself what it is that
you're asking them to give you.
If they're not willing to giveit to you, if you're not feeling
(31:52):
loved, if you're not feelingseen, if you're not feeling
heard, if you're not feelingvalidated in your relationship
and that's something that youknow that you need, then I want
you to start doing the work tookay what can I do, because
you're the only one that you cancontrol.
So what can I do to make myselffeel like this?
Your partner is not responsiblefor the way that you feel, and
(32:16):
I know that this is a commonmisconception that when you're
in a relationship, your partneris required to do all the things
that make you feel good.
If they're not wanting to do it, let them not do it and then
let you.
It frees you up to do thethings that you can do to make
yourself feel better.
But it's the discovery processis number one.
(32:38):
What is it that I need to feelin order to feel safe and secure
and calm, so that mypremenstrual dysphoric disorder
symptoms are the lowest?
Safe and secure and calm?
What can I do?
And focus on that?
Because when you start to go onthat journey of really focusing
on yourself, you'll besurprised when you take the
(33:00):
pressure off of your partner andyou put it on yourself Again
the partner that has PMDD andthe partner that doesn't.
If you don't have PMDD and younotice that your mental health
is struggling because you'redrowning with trying to keep
this PMDD relationship together.
Put the focus back on you whatis it that I need to do?
And take a stance and createthose boundaries and say, I mean
(33:23):
, they're already not doing whatit is that you want them to do.
So you might as well create theboundaries and say, hey, this
is what I need and I'm going to.
I'm going to do it because Ineed to be healthy, I need to
live and not feel like I'mdrowning and I'm holding on by a
pinky thread.
You know what I mean Like I'mholding on and I'm not getting
(33:43):
anything in return.
Everybody needs to be likereplenished at some point.
So I want you to really thinkabout that right now.
Just pick one thing when itcomes to this let them theory,
with everything that you'veheard and I know a lot of you
take notes on these episodeswhen it comes to the let them
theory, what do you need to lethappen with the let them theory
(34:04):
in your life, with the let themtheory in your life, in your
PMDD relationship, and then gotowards doing that Until next
time.
We got this.
I love you.
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