The Danger of Familiarity in PMDD Relationships: Breaking the Cycle

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Have you fallen into the trap of taking your partner for granted? When comfort turns to complacency, even the strongest PMDD relationships can crumble.

Relationships where one partner has Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder come with unique challenges that require extraordinary patience and understanding. Yet over time, we often become dangerously familiar with each other's efforts. That morning text that once made your day becomes expected. The way your partner adapts to your changing needs throughout your cycle seems ordinary rather than remarkable. The boundaries you established early on get casually violated because "what's the big deal just this once?"

This familiarity creates a slippery slope. Communication deteriorates first—partners stop checking in consistently or assume silence means everything's fine. Boundaries erode when comfort replaces mindfulness. Perhaps most damaging is how disrespectful communication gradually becomes normalized: "This is just how we talk to each other when we're upset." Each small instance of taking your partner for granted accumulates into significant resentment.

For relationships affected by PMDD, this pattern is particularly destructive. The cyclical nature of symptoms means unresolved issues compound month after month until even the most committed partnerships break under the strain. Worse still, when children witness these dynamics, they internalize them as normal relationship models for their future.

Breaking this cycle requires intention. Regular emotional check-ins, consistent appreciation for your partner's specific qualities, respecting established boundaries, and developing tools for healthy conflict resolution all help maintain the connection that brought you together initially. Remember—being in a PMDD relationship requires work, but the deep love and care that individuals with PMDD typically bring makes that effort worthwhile.

Don't wait until your partner walks away to recognize their value. What will you appreciate about them today?

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Today I want to talk to you about one of the traps
that you can get into in yourPMDD relationship.
That can cause a lot ofdissatisfaction, and I have been
through this so many times thatI think, going into my dating
experience after being in PMDDrelationships in the past and

(00:24):
having experience with differentpartners, different kinds of
partners it really while havingpremenstrual dysphoric disorder
it really helped me understandlike the pattern, especially
with working with clients.
There's a pattern of thishappening in PMDD relationships
and I was like, let me try tounderstand how this is a bad

(00:49):
thing.
You know, when you get to knowsomeone when you're dating and
then you get in a relationship,you get to this point where you
get really comfortable and Ialways thought that getting
comfortable in a relationship,getting familiar with your
partner in a relationship, was agood thing.
It's like, oh, I finally canlet my guard down, I don't have
to play in any of these games,you know, with dating and

(01:11):
there's no love bombing, there'sno, you know, representative,
like a person.
That's like a better version ofthemselves that they're
presenting, but they're really alesser version, like I thought,
by being really familiar andcomfortable.
A lesser version, like Ithought, by being really
familiar and comfortable was agood thing, and I didn't
understand the dangers of how itcan really impact a PMDD
relationship.

(01:32):
And I'm going to talk to youabout that today, because I've
made this mistake of getting toofamiliar with my partner, and
what I mean by that is I havebeen in places where I've taken
things for granted that certainpartners have done, certain
individuals that I've dated havedone, and I just assumed oh,

(01:53):
this is what you do, like whenyou're in a relationship and you
like a person, you love aperson, you care about a person,
you do these things, and so Ididn't tend to put the focus on
gratitude as far as certainthings that they were doing,
because I just assumed thateverybody did them Like if you
like me, you love me, you careabout me, any of those things
like you're going to do thesethings.
But that's not true.

(02:14):
And when you get too familiar,it can lead to a lot of
challenges in your PMDDrelationship, because when you
have premenstrual dysphoricdisorder, the requirement of
your partner is different froman individual who doesn't have
PMDD, and I'm going toreemphasize that If you have

(02:36):
premenstrual dysphoric disorder,the requirements of being in a
relationship with you is goingto be different from being with
someone who doesn't have PMDD.
And that's not to blame you orshame you for something that you
didn't ask for, for a disorderthat you didn't ask for, but
it's for you to be self-awarethat when you're dating and or
in a relationship with someoneand or married to someone,

(02:59):
committed to someone, and youhave PMDD, there's going to be
additional requirements of yourpartner that are going to need
to be there in order for you tohave a fulfilling relationship
where both of your needs are met.
Otherwise, you're going to bemiserable.
And so what I mean by that is,when you have PMDD, you really

(03:19):
have to number one as theindividual who's suffering with
PMDD, to number one as theindividual who's suffering with
PMDD.
You have to be aware, you haveto be very self-aware of what it
is that you need in every givenmoment, because it changes In
your luteal phase.
One day you could need a lot ofattention and affection and
validation, and then the nextday you could want to be

(03:40):
completely isolated and want tobe alone.
Want to be completely isolatedand want to be alone, and your
partner has to ride that wave.
Your partner has to deal withthe ebbs and flows, the ups and
downs of what it is that youneed in and out of your luteal
phase.
Like you may go into yourfollicular phase and you want
all the attention, all theaffection, all the validation,

(04:01):
all of the things that yourpartner probably loves, that you
love, and then you go into yourluteal phase and you just want
to be alone.
You want to lock yourself inthe room.
You feel like being in arelationship is a mistake
because it's too overwhelming.
You're so hypervigilant toanything that can go wrong in
the relationship that you're noteven enjoying the relationship.
And then you get back into yourfollicular phase, because we're

(04:24):
on a cycle.
You get back to your follicularphase and now you love it again
.
And so, number one, you have torecognize what you're requiring
of the individual that doesn'thave premenstrual dysphoric
disorder is for them tofluctuate as you fluctuate,
meaning.
When I want you to love me, youneed to be there to love me.

(04:45):
When I need you to give mespace, you need to be there to
give me space.
It's like a remote control.
It's like picking a show onNetflix.
It's like pressing play andpause and you're asking someone
to shift and change their lifeand their emotions and their
desires and their needs.
To meet your needs because youhave premenstrual dysphoric
disorder and again going into arelationship or being in a

(05:10):
relationship with someone whohas PMDD, it is you have to be
intentional about keeping youreye on why you're in the
relationship in the first place,because if you're not really
clear on why you're in therelationship in the first place,
because if you're not reallyclear on why you're there, what
the purpose is, what the visionis just like any company, if a

(05:32):
company isn't clear.
Because one of my other billionjobs is HR and human resources,
I'm a human resources directorand what I do is when I go into
a company, I understand what theCEO's mission, their vision, is
for this organization, and Iwork with multiple organizations

(05:53):
where I'm understanding thecore of what it is that they
want to convey to their clients,to their clientele, with their
product, and I'm getting to knowthat so that I can make sure
that anybody that is hired by meis reflecting that.
The same thing is going tohappen in your PMDD relationship

(06:14):
.
You have to make sure that whoyou're choosing to be your
partner is going to reflect whatit is that you're going to need
in any phase of your cycle, butit's work.
Anyone that tells you thatbeing in a PMDD relationship is
supposed to be easy, breezy andit's supposed to be so easy and
if it's difficult, then you'renot compatible, maybe you

(06:38):
shouldn't be together, maybe youshould just be single.
No, it's work, but it's worthit.
No, it's work, but it's worthit.
All of the individuals that Icounsel, that I have worked with
, that have premenstrualdysphoric disorder, are the most
caring and loving and they lovedeeply, they care deeply, they

(07:01):
don't want this disorder andthey're just really good
individuals.
And I'm not saying that becauseI'm one of them, because I'm an
individual who has PMDD.
I just know that when I get tothe root, when I chip away at
their suffering and I really getto the root of who they are
which is what I had to do for mydissertation interviewing so

(07:22):
many individuals that have PMDDthey're really good people, and
not saying that other peoplearen't good people, but I mean
they have a deep.
Everyone is different.
Everyone who has PMDD isdifferent, but they have this
giant heart that genuinely wantsto love someone, which is why

(07:42):
they're choosing to be in a PMDDrelationship that genuinely
wants to love someone, which iswhy they're choosing to be in a
PMDD relationship.
Anyone can find out that theyhave PMDD and decide to be
single.
But you're in a relationship fora reason and when you go into
it and you're picking a partner,some of you have picked a
partner before you evenrecognize that you had PMDD.
I've done that so many timesearlier in my journey I didn't

(08:06):
know I had PMDD.
I picked a partner based off ofhow I felt in the moment in the
phase of the cycle that I wasin, and then, when it became
difficult, sometimes I would belike, oh, they're the problem,
they're the problem, they're theproblem.
So if you're dating and youhave PMDD, that can be a thing
where you meet someone in acertain phase of your cycle and
you're all of a sudden feelinglike everybody else is the

(08:27):
problem, without reallyrecognizing that you're feeling
off in the moment.
And it's not for you to justautomatically know, because if
you don't know that you havePMDD, you don't know that.
You need to have this radar onthat's monitoring how your
emotions are and how you feel inany given moment.
But there are certain timeswhere I have dated individuals,

(08:50):
been in relationship withindividuals and I'm looking at
my journey now, where I'm soself-aware, I'm so clear on what
PMDD is in my life, becauseit's different for everyone.
Pmdd is in my life because it'sdifferent for everyone and if
you're my private client, youknow that I really get to know

(09:14):
you with PMDD, not just a cookiecutter like oh, this is what
the big medical books say thatPMDD is, so this is what you
should be experiencing.
I get to know you and I get toknow how PMDD is affecting your
specific PMDD relationship.
And for me.
I noticed that I took a lot ofmy past partners for granted in

(09:37):
certain areas and I got becauseI was too familiar, like there.
So, for example, communicationCommunication is huge for me,
huge for me in relationships.
I'm a communicator.
I like to communicate viawriting.
I like to communicate viatalking.
I like to communicate via videomessaging and vlogging.

(10:00):
I just love to communicate inrelationships.
Some people need that desirethat want that all the time, and
then some people are like justcheck in when you check in and
then I'm good.
I'm a person where when youcommunicate with me, it fuels
the connection that we have,whether that's written
communication.
I've been long distance withpartners where we've done like

(10:22):
the video messaging thing whereyou like I forgot the name of
this app, but it's basicallywhere you cause I vlog a lot.
If you're not following me onInstagram Dr Rose underscore in
love with Dr Rose underscore inlove with PMDD.
Or on TikTok, same thing.
I vlog a lot of my journey.

(10:43):
So when I get into arelationship or I'm dating
someone, I want it to be asclose to a human interaction as
possible, because I valueauthentic connection.
Yes, I could send you a text.
Yes, I could call you.
Yes, I could do these thingsand email you, which I've done
before over the years where wesent like email letters.

(11:03):
But I feel like video reallytranslates.
Video or audio reallytranslates to how a person is
feeling in the moment, becauseif the other one is intuitive,
they'll be able to pick up on.
Yeah, I hear that you're sayingthat you're good, but it sounds
like you're a little bit off, orI'm used to hearing you this
way, like what's going on rightnow, like I want you to be that

(11:25):
close to me to where you canpick up, by the tone of my voice
, what's going on, if there'ssomething troubling me, if
there's, like I desire that,that level of intimacy when I'm
dating or in a relationship.
And so when I've had partnersin the past that have been
really, really good withcommunication, I took it for
granted.
I was like, oh, this is whatall people do when they like,

(11:47):
like you and care about you,want to be with you, all the
things.
And then I started dating and Inoticed that's not a thing Like
.
Some people are just not reallygood.
Not good, they're not goodcommunicators for me.
They may be good for what it isthat they desire, but for me,

(12:08):
more than a day like if we'redating, more than a day of not
communicating is not acceptable.
And I remember I had a friend,or I have a friend, and she's
completely the opposite.
She's like, oh, if they take aday like, they probably have
this going on, like they'll makeexcuses for them and their mind
so it doesn't bother them, orthey don't need to talk to a

(12:29):
person you know every single dayin order to feel connected,
because they're just going offof the last communication.
And then they're good and I'mjust like, how do you like, if
I'm dating you or I'm in arelationship with you, there's
no way on Bob's green earth thatI'm not communicating with you.

(12:52):
Like, what are you talkingabout?
Like we're in a relationshipand I haven't heard from you in
24 hours.
What happens in my mind and I'venoticed this with dating that
if I don't hear from you in 24hours, I think we're done.
I'm like, oh, we're done.
We're obviously not in arelationship, because the
relationship you know what theperson is doing at all times.
Whether you're with the personor you're communicating with the

(13:13):
person, you kind of get to knowthem, you get to know their
schedule.
But if I don't hear from you ina day, I'm like, oh, okay, so
you're not feeling this.
And then when you try to comeback I've noticed that in dating
, when you try to come back dayslater and then pick up on the
communication that you hadbefore, I'm already over it.

(13:34):
Once you break thecommunication, I'm not a person
that you can kind of like, dothe hokey pokey with, push your
right foot in and like I'm gonnado this for a little bit and
then, oh, I'm busy, so I'm notgonna do it anymore.
Consistency is very importantfor me because I never want an
individual to start somethingthat they can't follow through
with.
If you text me good morning,good night, good afternoon, good

(13:58):
evening.
Like at a certain time I'mgonna be expecting that.
If I'm going to be expectingthat, if you choose to not do
that and then you want to goback, if you choose to not do
that, I'm fine with it, but ifyou choose to not do it and then
you want to go back to doing itagain, I'm like I'm very
confused.
I'm like I thought you didn'thave time, like I don't.
That's for me, that's like amind game, because I'm a very

(14:20):
routine, ritual person and I'mjust sharing this with you to
let you know that I took forgranted those individuals that
were very consistent, verydisciplined with communication.
They were very much like if I'mgoing to text you good morning,
I'm going to text you goodmorning, regardless, and I've
had partners that have done thatin the past.
Whether we are in an argument,whether we're in a disagreement,

(14:42):
whether we're feeling greatabout each other, like it didn't
matter.
They were committed tocommunicating regardless, and I
value that, and I literallythought all people would do that
until I learned that people arevery controlled by their
emotions, so much that ifthey're in a good mood, they're

(15:04):
going to communicate likethey're in a good mood, and if
they're not in a good mood,they're going to communicate
like they're in a good mood, andif they're not in a good mood,
they're going to communicatelike they're not in a good mood.
I can't deal with theinconsistencies.
So one of the things thathappen when you get too familiar
with your PMDD partner and youget to the point where you're
just like and by PMDD partner Imean the individual that has
PMDD or the individual thatdoesn't it's easy to stop

(15:27):
communication.
Right, you're gonna assume oh,my partner knows that I'm gonna
say good morning to them, so I'mjust not gonna do it.
Or my partner knows that I'mgonna do that, and so you stop
doing the things that couldmaybe be a safe place for them,
like, I really encourage you tobe very cognizant, mindful of

(15:52):
different areas, and we're goingto go over this today.
So the first one iscommunication.
How does my partner and ifyou're journaling or taking
notes, these are good questionsto ask, because it's what I do
in my private sessions.
So it's what kind ofcommunication does my partner
need?
Do they want consistentcommunication all throughout the

(16:13):
day?
Do they want, you know,communication in the morning and
night Are we living together,so we're kind of not feeling the
need to set those kind of, likeyou know, staples on when we're
going to communicate, like findout what makes the most safe
and comfortable and connected,safe, comfortable, connected,
safe because you want to feellike, regardless of what's

(16:35):
happening in the relationship,you're not at harm for things
like jealousy and fidelity, allof these things that could come
in.
You need to be communicating Ifyou don't want jealousy and and
all these things.
You need to be communicating ina way that you're on the
boundary of I'm communicatingwith you, that you feel the most
comfortable and the most safewith our connection.

(16:56):
What kind of communicationwould you need in order to know
that I'm all in?
Because there's a lot ofpartners that I've had in the
past, or people that I've datedtoo, where they've been totally
into me, completely into me, butthey're just not telling me all
the time, right, and so Iremember I broke it off with

(17:17):
someone and they were shockedbecause they're like what are
you talking about?
I'm like the communicator, likeI thought we were done, I
thought we were done, andthey're like no, like I've just
been busy, but I'm only datingyou, I only want to be with you,
like what are you talking?
And for me, if you show me thatwhen you get busy, your level
of communication is going tofluctuate, I can't deal with

(17:40):
that because I will get so usedto the way that you are in your
good days.
And again, this is for thepartner that doesn't have PMDD
or does.
I'll get used to you in thatstate and then, if you switch it
up, I'll think that something'swrong.
So if you're just like what'sthe big deal?
I didn't have time, or blah,blah, like some people can deal
with that, I can't.
So it's a matter ofunderstanding.

(18:03):
It's not that I can't because Ican.
I don't desire to.
That's not the kind ofrelationship that would make me
feel safe, where I feel like theway that we communicate is
going to be predicated upon youremotional state.
And what I mean by that is ifwe're in a good place, you're

(18:24):
willing to communicate with me.
If we're not in a good place,you're giving me the silent
treatment.
Absolutely not.
You're stonewalling me Like I'mstill in a place where I'm, you
know, like hey, blah, blah,blah, and you're just like no,
because you're not good.
And what I took for granted waspartners that could really get

(18:45):
beyond their feelings, getbeyond how they really felt
about me in the moment becauseof maybe disagreements that
we've had in a relationship ormaybe how they were feeling, or
maybe they're tired or maybethey're stressed out.
They didn't care.
They were very disciplined intheir communication and I
remember taking that for grantedbecause I was like, yeah, of

(19:05):
course they're going tocommunicate with me Like they're
my partner.
But when I recognized that thatwas a trait that they had to
work really hard to do, then Ireally was like, wow, I should
have appreciated that more.
When you get too familiar withyour partner, you tend to not

(19:28):
treat them as they deserve to betreated, in a way of magnifying
the qualities that they haveand provide for the relationship
.
Like if I would have known whatI know now, in that previous
relationship I would havecontinuously said to them like
how appreciative I was of theircommunication style.

(19:49):
Like I love that you make mefeel safe.
I love that I know when I callyour phone or I text you like
you're always gonna respond,regardless of the state of the
relationship.
Like there's some people whereif you're not doing good,
they're turning off theirlocation on the phone, they're
not answering your text messages.
You're not doing like that.
For me is I cannot, I cannot, Iwill not deal with that because

(20:14):
I feel like it's toooverwhelming for me.
But there's some people thatthat's the way they deal with
communication, and when you'retoo familiar with a person, a
person that would never do thatknows how much it impacts you.
And even if they're mad at you,even if they're disappointed in
you, even if they're hurt byyou, they never want to take you

(20:36):
to that place of feeling theway it feels to be reaching out
to your partner and not beingable to be in communication with
them Like that.
For me, that's the worstfeeling ever, where you're going
through something, you're noton the same page, and then
you're like, I want to sleeptonight.
So like, let me just have onelast conversation with my

(20:57):
partner, because we reallydidn't end things in a good way,
like, as far as their lastconversation, let me talk to
them and then they're ignoringyou, they put the phone on, do
not disturb, or they're notanswering your calls, and then
now you can't sleep.
Your whole life is going to beimpacted by individuals who
don't use this rule of justsaying you know what, regardless

(21:20):
of what's happening in our PMDDrelationship, like I'm going to
be there to communicate withyou, I'm not going to shut down
communication because I'mfeeling a certain way and I took
that for granted for all of thepartners that I've had that
have because you have to getbeyond yourself.
It's a very selfless thing tobe like I don't feel like
talking to this person, but Iknow that they're probably

(21:42):
needing to talk to me, so I'mjust going to go ahead and have
the conversation.
I appreciate that and I knowwhat it feels like to not have
that.
And I because I got toofamiliar with the level of
communication that previouspartners have given me.
And so the next thing thathappens is when you get too

(22:02):
familiar is you startdisrespecting boundaries.
This is so huge in PMDDrelationships because this can
lead to your partnerunintentionally overstepping
boundaries, and this could beemotional boundaries, physical
boundaries, psychologicalboundaries In the context of
PMDD.

(22:22):
Basically, when you have saidsomething, like when I'm in my
luteal phase, this is a boundarythat I have, and you don't even
have to say it that it's aboundary.
It could be just like I need tohave a morning routine or I
need to have an evening routineor I need to have an hour of the
day or I need to have something, whatever it is that you're

(22:43):
saying that you need in PMDD andyou're telling it to your
partner.
When they get really familiarand familiarity grows and they
get really comfortable, theycould start running all over
that, which has happened to me alot of times where I've entered
into relationships and beenvery self-aware and it's like,
hey, I have premenstrualdysphoric disorder, I have a
morning routine and I need to domy morning routine regardless,

(23:07):
regardless of what's going on.
I'm not going to be at my bestif I don't get a chance to do my
morning routine.
So in the beginning they'relike oh yeah, of course.
Like do your morning routine,blah, blah, blah.
But then over time, when theyget really familiar, they may be
like oh well, what's the bigdeal?
Like let's just have breakfastbefore you do your morning
routine, or let's just lay inand you not do your morning

(23:32):
routine for once.
Like it's you being with someonewho is overstepping the
boundary that you put in placewhen initially they respected it
, overstepping the boundary thatyou put in place when initially
they respected it, and thenthey got familiar with you and
then they all of a sudden didn'trespect it.
So this is where a lot of thedisrespect happens, and it
happens subtly, so you'll allowit.

(23:54):
You're like, oh, that you canmake.
I used to make excuses for it.
That's what I did.
I made up stories in my mind asto why they were disrespecting
me and overstepping myboundaries.
Because of familiarity.
I'm like, oh, they just want tospend time with me.
Or oh, they didn't mean it.
Or oh, even though you knowthat you clearly communicated to
them that this was a boundaryand they were respecting the

(24:18):
boundary, then all of a suddenthey disrespected the boundary
by pretending like it didn'texist, and then you started
making excuses for it Over time.
This is gonna be reallydamaging because you're gonna
start to let go of a lot ofthings that keep you together.
If I don't have my morningroutine, my evening routine,
whatever routines that I needfor that period of the day and I

(24:41):
know for me it's morning for alot of my clients this evening,
it could be midday, it could bewhenever I say I'm feeling
overwhelmed.
I need this to be the realityof the state that I'm in.
Like I need to be able to havethe freedom to do this.
If you're communicating that toyour partner and initially
they're like yeah, of course,like, I completely understand.

(25:02):
And then all of a sudden, whenit leads to them not getting
their needs met, it's a problem.
Then it's because they're toofamiliar.
They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah,you have that boundary, but
what about me?
I need my needs met.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're doingthis, but what about me?
I need my needs met.
That's normally what it is is,if you stop doing something for
them that is going to meet theirneeds, then all of a sudden,

(25:24):
your boundaries are an issue,your boundaries are a problem.
I was in that situation where Iwas with someone that wanted to
connect really, really early inthe morning and that was right
when I needed to do my morningroutine in order to make sure
that I was at my best, and sothey were forcing me to make a
choice.
And because they got sofamiliar with how I was, I

(25:47):
started to let go of myboundaries, loosen the reins and
started to not do my morningroutine and pour into them, and
they got so familiar that theydidn't even act appreciative
when I did that.
They knew how much it took outof me to not do my morning
routine and go immediately intopouring into them.

(26:08):
But they took it for granted.
And that's the next thing thatcan happen when you get too
familiar the things that yourpartner is doing for you.
You're taking it for grantedand saying, of course, of course
they're doing this, they're mypartner, of course they're doing
this, they're my husband,they're my wife, they're my
partner.
Whatever I know, you may be in asituation where you don't have
to work.
Your partner works.

(26:29):
They pay all the bills, theyhandle all of the financials.
You are free to be astay-at-home mom, to be a
stay-at-home wife, to be astay-at-home husband, to be a
stay-at-home whatever it is, ora stay-at-home partner, because
your other partner is out thereworking and instead of you

(26:50):
appreciating that and showingyour consistent appreciation and
by consistent appreciation Imean ongoing, not just once a
year or once in a blue moonyou're like oh, thank you for
allowing me to be a stay-at-homeindividual.
It takes a lot out of the otherpartner that has to bear the
burden of handling all the bills, handling all the finances.

(27:11):
Yes, you may pay the bills, butI'm talking about bringing in
the revenue, bringing in theincome, making sure that the
household is taken care of.
That's a lot of pressure,whether you're whatever partner
you are the partner that hasPMDD or the partner that doesn't
it's a lot of pressure to thinkthat you are taking on the
livelihood of not just oneperson, aka yourself, but two

(27:34):
people, and maybe three or fourpeople if you have kids, and so
they don't have the luxury ofjust winging it.
There was a time in my lifewhere I was single, no kids, and
hey, if I had a gig I was good,if I didn't I was fine, I could
kind of live off the land andsurvive.
I was super young and I lovedto travel and I was backpacking

(27:56):
and all of these things and Ikind of was like I could be in
this place of like all of thesethings and I kind of was like I
could be in this place of like Icould take it or leave it.
But when you have a family andyou feel that level of
responsibility of I'm takingcare of not just myself but
other individuals, when you takecare of just one human, whether
it's a child or another adult,that's a lot of pressure.

(28:18):
And so when you're in a PMDDrelationship, you could take it
for granted.
You're falling into the rhythmof they're paying the bills,
they're giving you money everysingle month.
They're doing all this and youare completely assuming that
your partner's always going tobe there, they're always going
to be understanding, they'realways going to be supportive,
they're always going to meetyour needs.

(28:40):
All of these things and itcauses you to have a lack of
appreciation for the effort thatyour partner is not only
putting in and supporting therelationship, but the effort in
being in the relationship,because you get the freedom of
being in the relationshipwithout having to work.
You get a chance to wake up inthe morning and decide what it
is that you're going to do withthe day.
Yes, you may haveresponsibilities with the child

(29:04):
or the children, or the dogs orthe cats or the animals.
You have those kind ofresponsibilities.
But you also have the freedomof that where someone has to go
out and work and support thehousehold, and this is just one
example.
It may be another situationwhere you just assume that your
partner is very empathetic andthey're always asking you how

(29:26):
you're feeling and they'realways supporting you
emotionally.
They're always your soundingboard.
Whenever you have somethingreally overwhelming going on,
they're always there to talk toyou, to talk you off the ledge,
to make sure that you feel safe,make sure you feel loved and
comfortable, and you can takethat for granted.
Think about right now.
Think about the things thatyour partner is doing that you

(29:47):
could potentially be taking forgranted.
I know, and probably in everyrelationship that I've had, I
can pick one thing that apartner has done that I've just
gotten too familiar.
Yes, I appreciated it in thebeginning, but then, as time
went by, I'm like, yeah, yeah,yeah, that's just what they do.
And it wasn't intentional, itwas a subconscious thing,

(30:09):
because I was so comfortablewith the value that they were
bringing to my relationship thatI just assumed that, yes, of
course it's what I deserve andit's what I desire, and they're
doing it to make me happy.
So you know all the things.
But I didn't feel the need tooverly extend my appreciation

(30:30):
for it past the first couple ofmonths because I'm like, oh,
that's just who they are, likethey're always checking in on me
, they text me every day, theytext me all day.
They asked me did I eat?
They ask me all these things.
Like I value that so much, butI didn't value it when I had it,
I valued it.

(30:53):
When it was taken away and itwas replaced with individuals
that didn't know how tocommunicate.
Going back to communicationyours, my best friend's, hers is
acts of service, right, so itall ties into your love
languages.
She loves an individual that'sgoing to get up, that's going to
cut the grass, go pick up thegroceries or order lunch or
order dinner or make plans or dothings that make her life

(31:14):
easier, like she values that.
And when you get with someonewho automatically does that, you
could take it for granted, youcan really take it for granted.
And so the next thing that canhappen when you have this level
of familiarity, you can becomecomplacent when it comes to

(31:37):
emotionally connecting with yourpartner.
Let me ask you this questionwhen is the last time that you
and your partner have reallyconnected emotionally?
Not emotionally over a fight,over an argument, over negative
emotions, but when have youconnected emotionally?
When have you felt so intimatewith your partner, so close that

(32:01):
you talked about a situation oryou talked about how you were
feeling and you felt so close tothem because you felt like they
really understood you and youwere able to connect on that.
That is so important in PMDDrelationships because when
you're in this place of dealingwith the ups and downs of being

(32:22):
in the luteal phase, for thepartner that has PMDD and the
partner that doesn't, it cantrigger feelings of isolation,
where one partner says you know,this is too much for me, I
can't deal with this, or theother partner says I'm suffering
too much, I can't deal with thesuffering of PMDD and the
relationship.
So then you lower youremotional connection, you don't

(32:45):
put any effort towardsconnecting emotionally because,
honestly, you think that they'renot going anywhere.
How many times have you felt socomfortable in your relationship
because you genuinely felt likeyour partner wasn't going
anywhere?
You felt like, regardless ofwhat I've done, what I do,
they're not going anywhere.
That's a dangerous place to bebecause it gives you the freedom

(33:06):
to react anyway, act or reactanyway in the relationship
without ever thinking that I'vegone too far.
You don't have any boundaries.
You don't have anynon-negotiables, like,
regardless of how I'm feeling inthe moment, I'm not going to
call them out of their name, I'mnot going to yell at them, I'm
not going to curse at them, I'mnot going to do this.
You don't have that boundaryset because you genuinely feel

(33:28):
like they're not going anywhere.
Maybe you've been in the PMDDrelationship where it's gotten
verbally abusive and they'vestayed, and so now you're in a
situation where you're like, oh,if I did that, because your
brain is very strategic, if Idid that before and they didn't
go anywhere, then I could prettymuch do anything.

(33:49):
Because you may be thinking toyourself if someone did that to
me, I would be out.
But the fact that they're stillhere lets me know that I don't
need to change, because theylove me, they care about me,
they want to be with me.
So, regardless of how I treatthem, they're still going to be
there.
And you may not be in thatplace where you're willing to
admit it, but your actions areshowing that you may not say it

(34:11):
out of your mouth and say like,hey, you can nag me, you can
yell at me, cuss at me, all thethings.
You're still going to be inthis bed tonight.
You can say you're going toleave me, you can break up with
me every single month, butyou're still going to be back.
You're still going to be back.

(34:31):
You're going to begin to, whenyou get so familiar with this,
you're going to begin to takeyour partner for granted and be
like they're going to have theseemotions and we're still going
to be in this relationship.
Take your partner for grantedand be like they're going to
have these emotions and we'restill going to be in this
relationship.
So I really don't need to takeanything that they're saying
seriously, because they'repretty much going to be in this
relationship regardless.

(34:52):
And I've been in this place alot of times before where it's
happened to me, where I'vewarned, given warnings, like hey
, I can't continue thisrelationship like this, like I
can't do this because of thisreason.
And I've literally laid it out.
And these are the changes thatI feel need to happen and what

(35:13):
are your thoughts on it.
What are things that you wantchanged?
Like I've had the opencommunication and, because I had
it again and again and again,and I've given chance after
chance after chance, they'relike, oh, she's not going
anywhere.
And then, when I finally do,they're completely shocked.
They're like, oh my gosh, Ican't believe this relationship
is ending.
I can't believe we're breakingup.
It's like I've been talking toyou about this forever, but you

(35:38):
got too comfortable, toofamiliar.
You were looking at the factthat I was putting up with
certain things and you literallythought you could do whatever
and I wasn't going anywhere.
Because here's the thing whenyou value someone, whether it's
I'll give you a perfect example,taking it outside of a PMDD
relationship If I value a jobbecause the job is paying me,

(36:00):
let's just say, a half a milliondollars a year I'm saying that
because I say in the SiliconValley, these people are rich.
Okay, you have to be rich tolive here.
Like there's no way.
And I'm like okay, you're goingto pay me a half a million or a
million dollars a year.
I value this job becausethere's a lifestyle that is
attached to the job.

(36:21):
And so if someone kept sayinglike, oh, you're being late, if
you keep being late, like we'regoing to have to let you go, but
then you're late again and theydon't let you go, and so you're
just like, okay, like everytime they say it, you're like
okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then you keep being late.
And then one day you go to scanyour badge in, because
everything here is automated.

(36:42):
You can't get anywhere withoutlike a fob or a badge and you go
to scan your badge and itdoesn't go through and you get
an error message and you're like, what's going on?
I can't get into my office.
It's like, oh no, we had to letyou go because we you know, we
warned you that if youcontinuously were late, like you
know, we're going to have tolet you go.
And then you act so shocked andyou're like, oh my goodness,

(37:06):
what are you talking about?
You did what a lot ofindividuals do in relationships
you got too comfortable becausethe consequences weren't
enforced.
This is what happens when youthrow things.
So I would advise you to bevery mindful of the consequences
that you throw out, because ifyou're not willing to follow

(37:28):
through on them, then they'regoing to sound like a fraud.
They're going to get toofamiliar with you If you keep
saying I'm not going to be ableto be with you if you do this,
and then they do it, and thenyou're still in the relationship
.
Now they're too familiar.
Now they're like, okay, well, Ijust pretty much have to get
through this argument, listen toyou, nag me and yap and say

(37:48):
whatever, and then we're justgoing to go back to how we
normally are.
You're getting too familiarwith the dysfunction in the
relationship.
So there's no desire to change,no desire or intention to
change because you feel like theperson.
So then what you end up doing isyou overlook their emotional

(38:11):
needs, their emotional and theirphysical and their financial,
their spiritual, all of thethings, whatever it is that your
partner is needing in therelationship when you're so
familiar with them.
You're overlooking it.
Oh, they pay all the finances,of course they can pay it.
Like, if they lose their job,they'll just get another job.
Like they're all the finances,of course they can pay it.
Like, if they lose their job,they'll just get another job.

(38:32):
Like they're always gonnasupport me emotionally.
Oh, they're so needy, they're soclingy, like they just need to
find something else to do.
You're ignoring it.
Oh, their physical needs?
Oh, my body hurts, I have aches, I have symptoms, I don't feel
like it, like I'll, whenever Ifeel like doing it, they'll be
all right.
You're ignoring it anddismissing it, and this is

(38:55):
dangerous because during theirmost vulnerable moments, these
are the things that they need,your partner, whether they have
PMDD or they don't.
They need tenderness, they needsupport, they need affection,
attention, validation.
Ignoring those needs is gonnalead to bitterness, resentment
and unforgiveness.
Those are the three killers ofPMDD relationships, and it's

(39:18):
going to lead to that becauseyou're going to assume that if
you don't give your partner whatit is that they need, that
they're just going to find a wayto figure out on how to meet
their own needs.
What's the point?
I remember being that's whatended one of my relationships,
one of my PMDD relationships.
I said what is the point ofbeing in this relationship if I

(39:38):
have to meet all my own needs?
Like this is a scam.
I'm literally in thisrelationship.
I'm meeting my needsemotionally.
I'm meeting my needs physically.
I'm meeting my needsfinancially.
I'm meeting my needs physically.
I'm meeting my needsfinancially.
I'm meeting my needsspiritually.
I'm doing all the things that Idesire and deserve for myself.
So what is the point of mebeing connected to someone?

(40:00):
Because I know if I'm connectedto someone, I'm pouring into
them.
So not only am I meeting all ofmy own needs, but I'm also
meeting a big bulk of theirs too.
Like you don't see the value inyour relationship when you
realize that you're the only onemeeting all your needs because
you're so, your partner hasgotten so familiar, and like, oh
, you're so self-sufficient.

(40:21):
Like I could be in thisrelationship and they could, you
know, pay all their bills.
I could be in this relationshipand they could not require me
to communicate it and connectwith them emotionally, like I
could just give them the bareminimum.
Good morning, good night.
This is what I'm doing today.
Make it all about me.
I don't have to pour intofeeling close and intimate with
them because they're not goinganywhere.
When you feel like yourpartner's not going anywhere,

(40:43):
that's a very dangerous place tobe because they a lot of times
they end up going somewhere.
Every single time someone hastaken me for granted because
they've gotten too familiar,because they thought I wasn't
going anywhere.
I went somewhere.
I saw the pattern.
I was like, wow, I could bringanything up to you and you're

(41:06):
not even willing to change.
Because I make you feel so goodabout yourself that you
genuinely think that you're noteven willing to change.
Like you, because I make youfeel so good about yourself that
you genuinely think that you'reirreplaceable and that I'm just
gonna just deal with thebreadcrumbs, because I know
that's.
One of the things that I had tobe very self-aware with is that,
even when my needs aren't beingmet, I was able to put my

(41:29):
partners on a pedestal and makethem feel like they were doing
things that they genuinelyweren't doing.
So what's the point of workingfor it if you're already getting
the accolades of doing thethings?
And what I mean by that is I'mlike, oh, you're such a
supportive PMDD partner, you'reso this and you're so that.
And they weren't.
I was trying to, like, speak itinto existence.

(41:51):
They actually weren't, butbecause I was already giving
them the validation they were socomfortable, so familiar with
getting that validation thatit's like why would I give any
extra effort if I'm alreadygetting the accolades for
something that I'm genuinely notdoing?
And so the next thing that canhappen is there's this increased

(42:13):
reactivity.
So you start saying whatever youwant to say out of your mouth
because you're so familiar withyour partner.
This I have a big thing withusing cuss words, profanity,
whatever you want to say it, andnot in, not as a person, but

(42:35):
like at me, like if you and Idon't.
You know this is a cleanpodcast and I've talked to you
about this before that I have mypodcast clean because there's
so many individuals that are soyoung, at the age of 13, and
they have PMDDs.
I want to keep this clean.
I don't want it to be blockedby them, but I don't have an
issue with an individual thatuses profanity.

(42:57):
I have clients that do it.
I don't get offended, I'm notapproved.
Whatever I'm talking about,using cuss words towards me,
using profanity towards me.
When you feel so comfortable,when you feel so familiar, you

(43:20):
may start to talk to anindividual crazy in a
relationship and call them outof their name or say something
or say F?
You, or say blah, blah, blah,and you this and you that, and
you're saying all of thesethings about them because you're
comfortable, because you knowthat the of these things about
them, because you're comfortable, because you know that the,
because you almost want them toget to a point where they're
desensitized to that vulgarlanguage, that lack of filter.
It's going to lead to a lot ofhurtful comments.

(43:42):
You're going to start todisregard the other person's
feelings and the impact of thosevulgar comments and overall
you're going to be disrespectful.
There's going to be a lack ofrespect for the relationship as
a whole and it's going to causea lot of fights and a lot of
arguments where you're sayingand doing things that you're
going to regret later on and beexpecting that the partner is

(44:03):
just supposed to recover fromthat when you have hurtful words
that you've said and thingsthat you've said about your
partner.
And then you try to go beloving again.
They're not going to forget thehurtful words that you've said
and things that you've saidabout your partner.
And then you try to go beloving again.
They're not going to forget thehurtful words that you said.
I remember early on my journey Iwas in a relationship and it
was getting to that point.
I got really familiar.

(44:26):
I got really familiar and Imade a comment.
I crossed the line.
I made a comment that was notnice in the middle of an
argument and I remember thispartner taught me such a big
lesson because I was socomfortable in the relationship
I thought I could say and doanything and they weren't gonna
go anywhere because they didgenuinely love me.
Love me and love with me,obsessed with me, all of the

(44:50):
things.
And so I'm like, oh so they'renot going anywhere.
And I remember him saying to meif you speak to me like that,
again we're done.
I'm not going to be in thisrelationship.
And you speak to me that way.
I deserve respect, I respectyou.

(45:11):
I'm respect, I respect you.
I'm not going to call you outof your name.
You better not call me out ofmy name and if you do, I respect
myself enough to walk away fromthis relationship.
I love you, I care about you, Iadore you, but I will not be in

(45:32):
this relationship where you'respeaking to me that way.
And I remember looking at themlike a deer in the headlights,
like I was so shocked becausethey said it very calmly and, if
I really thought about it, theynever spoke to me
disrespectfully.
Did we have arguments?

(45:53):
Yes, but they had the level ofemotional intelligence, of the
self-awareness, of theself-discipline to control their
emotions.
When they spoke to me and Itook that for granted, I took it
for granted that I could belike, because I was in whatever,

(46:14):
and they never crossed thatline.
They would be like, okay, well,we're going to have to talk
about this later, because you'reobviously not in a state to
talk about this.
And I'd be like, yeah, but weneed to talk about it.
They literally walked away andwhen they made that comment like

(46:34):
if you talk to me like that onemore time, like we're done, I
believe them Like I went out ofthe state of familiarity because
I saw that not only were theyclear, they were calm, but it
was a reflection on me because Iwas like, well, do I even
really feel that way about thisperson?

(46:56):
No, I don't.
I'm just in a place where I'mnot.
I'm not in a place of managingmy own emotions and I'm letting
whatever I think and what comesto my mind come out of my mouth.
And I'm so grateful because Isaw that was that taught me so

(47:16):
many things and it made me I waslike literally tearing up
because I was like, wow, I gotso comfortable, so familiar,
that I was willing to speak tothem that way, to disrespect
them.
They didn't deserve that.
What they deserved is if I feltreally heightened in my

(47:40):
emotions, angry, you know,bitter, resentful, like offended
, rejected.
I took the time to deal with myemotions in a way that didn't
project it on them, even if theywere the cause of it.
Your emotions are not theresponsibility of anyone,

(48:01):
especially your partner, tomanage.
So when you're dealing withfights and arguments, that's the
next thing.
When you're comfortable, youmay start to make it seem like
verbal, physical abuse is normal.
Oh yeah, we always call eachother a piece of crap or we call
each other this all the time.
Like I said this to you.
You said this to me Like it iswhat it is.

(48:23):
It's toxic, is what it is and ifyou don't respect yourself
enough and you sit in that longenough, you're going to be very
resentful towards your partner.
You're going to feel verydifferently about your partner,
especially when you get intothose PMDD monthly breakups.
You're going to feel completelyjustified to break up with them

(48:43):
because you're going toremember all of the hurtful,
nasty words that they said toyou in the last fight.
You're going to be like whywould I be with someone who
talks to me like that?
Why, why would I subject myselfto it?
And then you're going to have alot of unresolved fights that
are going to pile up on top ofeach other and then it's going

(49:04):
to draw you further and furtheraway.
Lead to the permanent PMDDbreakups.
Lead to the permanent PMDDbreakups.
And the last thing that happensis when you become too familiar,
you stop holding yourself andyour partner accountable for

(49:24):
your actions, when you begin tolean into this world of toxicity
, because you're both talking toeach other like crap, you're
both crossing the line.
You both have done things thatmaybe your friends and family
don't even know about, and I'veheard it all, I have heard it
all.
That becomes your norm and itreally sets you up for the kind

(49:51):
of relationships not just anintimate the kind of
relationships that you accept inyour life.
I've seen the transference ofgetting comfortable from a
intimate partner move on to aparental relationship, meaning
your partner has disrespectedyou in front of your child and

(50:13):
now, in turn, your child isdisrespecting you and you're
confronting it to your child andsaying you're not going to talk
to me like that and they'relooking at you like, well, you
let so-and-so talk to you likethat, so why can't I talk to you
like that?
Like, if you don't respectyourself enough to walk away
from a situation that isdisrespecting you, why would you
expect me to treat you anydifferently?

(50:34):
So now we have an issue with thechild and parent relationship
and the partner relationship,because what you're modeling in
front of your children stick.
What you're modeling in frontof your children stick, not what
you say, what you accept.
I don't care how many timesthat you talk to your children

(50:55):
and you tell them this is thetype of individual that you
should be with.
As you know, if you haveteenagers, this is the type of
individual you should be withwhen you grow older, or if
they're a child like you'retelling them when they go to
daycare or they go to school,don't let anyone talk to you
like this, but you're allowingdisrespect in your home.
They're not listening to whatyou say, they're listening to

(51:16):
what you model.
If they see mommy, daddy ormommy, mommy, daddy, daddy,
whatever it is be disrespectfultowards each other, they're
going to think that that's thenorm.
Cognitively in their brain, itis programming.
If this is okay for my parents,then it's okay for me.

(51:36):
And now you have transferredthis trauma into your child and
they're going to be dealing withthis for years and years and
years to come, because whenthey're a child, they're
absorbing their environment.
They're absorbing life as whatis okay in relationships what is
not okay.
They're looking at you, whetherthey can see you, or whether

(52:00):
they're listening to you arguingfrom their bedroom and talking
to their friends on their littledevices about it oh, my parents
just went through this orthey're doing that.
They're downloading everything,and I'm saying this with such
passion because I have a15-year-old who's going to be 16
next month and she seeseverything, she hears everything

(52:23):
, and if there's anything thatyou think that you can hide from
your child, whether they'rereacting to it or not, it's
sticking.
And so if you're taking yourpartner to the place of being so
familiar, to where you'reallowing disrespects to become
the norm in your household,you're causing your child to

(52:46):
suffer for generations.
So later on, when they're inthese cycles of these toxic
relationships, and you're tryingto talk to them and you're
trying to get them out of it ofall these things, remember this.
Remember when they were in aplace where they were observing
what you were accepting, and fora lot of you it's not too late.

(53:11):
I know a lot of my clients havekids where they're like nine,
10, 11, and it's not too late.
But if they don't see thetransformation of you treating
your partner better, then that'sall they're going to see is the
dysfunction.
You still have an opportunityto turn it around.
So this is not to blame you,not to shame you.
I've been there.

(53:32):
This is to make a change, set aboundary, set a non-negotiable.
I'm not going to have thistoxic behavior in my home,
because not only is it affectingme and you, but it's affecting
our children and you, but it'saffecting our children, and I
know for a lot of relationshipsthat I've been in.

(53:53):
My child has been the breakingpoint, like, yes, I can endure a
lot, yes, I can deal with a lot, but when I noticed that it's
transferring onto my child,that's a non-negotiable for me
and it should be one for you,because they didn't ask to be
here.
You brought them into this lifeand it is your job to give them

(54:18):
the healthiest environment atthe foundational level, and I
mean this for your children,your nieces, your nephews,
anywhere you go and there'schildren involved.
The way that adults areinteracting with each other,
they don't know any better.
They're looking like trying tofigure life out, even if they're
a teenager, and they act likethey're not in that place of

(54:40):
being receptive.
They're still looking.
They're still looking Because Ihave the conversations, I have
clients that are teenagers andthey see and hear everything.
And if you're modeling thatbehavior because you're so
comfortable and you're thinking,oh, this is just how it's going

(55:01):
to be and this is just how weare, we're just doing our best,
are you?
Are you doing your best?
Ask yourself that question whatis it that you could do better?
And if you don't have kids?
I see so many times on theforums and they're like oh, you
know, I, I'm like this everysingle month in pmdd.

(55:22):
I'm a monster.
Oh, my poor, my poor partner,blah, blah, blah.
But then you're still doing it.
What are you doing to help?
It's one thing to acknowledgethat your behavior is not
acceptable, but you've gotten tothe point where you're throwing
it out there and then you'rejust like huh, like they'll be

(55:42):
all right because they're notgoing anywhere.
It's disrespectful, it'sdismissive, and I wouldn't
advise you to stay in that placeof knowing that you could be
better for your partner and justchoosing not to because they
haven't gone anywhere, becausewhen they go, they go.
I've seen it, I know.

(56:04):
It's the situation with me.
When I cut it off and I decideenough is enough, I'm gone.
There's no reconciliation,there's no like oh, let's go,
I'm done, I am done, and I'veseen this with a lot of my
clients, where the assumptionbecause the partner, the other
partner, is so comfortable,because breakups and all of

(56:26):
these things have been mentionedso many times before that
they're like oh, they're notreally going away and when they
do, they're contacting me incrisis mode oh my gosh, they
left me.
Yeah, they said they were goingto leave you for the last three
, four, five years.
Now that they've done it, Ican't make them go back.
Why were you not taking themseriously when they were giving

(56:47):
you the warning signs before?
Why?
So?
If you really want to get to thepoint where you are getting
ahead and getting rid of thefamiliarity that is causing you
to be too comfortable in yourPMDD relationship, the first
tool is you need check-ins.
You need to regularly check inemotionally, not physically,

(57:13):
with your partner.
Yes, you can do that, but whenI'm talking about getting too
familiar, check in with yourpartner emotionally.
How are you feeling?
What's really going on?
What are you liking, what areyou not liking?
You need to be having thisregular communication with your
partner to really understandingwhat are their needs.

(57:34):
How can I be of service to you?
That's what you're in arelationship for.
It's not about you gettingserved.
It's about serving the otherperson and trusting that, as you
do that, it's going to bereturned to you you.
The next thing is respectingboundaries, and I don't mean
putting up boundaries that areand I'll do a separate episode

(58:00):
on this your boundaries shouldnot cause your partner to suffer
, and you be okay with it If Icreate a boundary and it causes
my partner to suffer, we need totalk about it, we need to fix
it, and I've been in that placewhere I've been like nope, this
is my boundaries, it is what itis, this is what I need.
I know, this is what I need.
No, if it's causing my partnerto suffer, what is the point of
being in a relationship withsomeone if I'm setting a

(58:21):
boundary just for them to bemiserable and suffer?
I might as well just be single,because then I can set the
boundary and it not impactanyone else.
Be single because then I canset the boundary and it not
impact anyone else.
So the next thing is intentionalappreciation.
There are a lot of qualitiesthat your partner has that I'm

(58:42):
pretty sure you are just like oh, that's just them, that's just
them.
But there are some things thatthey do that not everybody would
do, and I'm just going to goback to the communication, not
the communication.
I'm going to go back to thefinancial support.
Maybe you're so comfortablewith your partner paying all the

(59:03):
bills that you just assume youliterally have someone paying
your bills in a relationship andyou're treating them like crap
and or not meeting their needsin the relationship.
Make that, make sense Entitled,so entitled, that your partner

(59:46):
is paying the bills, taking careof the household and you are
not desiring to meet theiremotional, physical, spiritual,
all the needs in therelationship.
You've gotten comfortablebecause, let you be dating
someone where they're expectingall of that support and you're
paying.
You're paying your bills oryou're paying half of the bills.
Maybe you go 50 50.
Don't take for granted that yourpartner is supporting.

(01:00:09):
I don't care if it's 100%, 50%,20%.
You could be doing it on yourown 100%.
And I see so many individualsthat are so comfortable that
they become ungrateful to theirpartner that's going out there
and handling things financially,or maybe they're a person that

(01:00:33):
really checks in on youemotionally.
You never have an emotion thatthey're not.
Oh, you're looking a little offtoday.
Babe, do you need me to giveyou a massage?
Do you want to talk aboutsomething?
That are so intuitive, sointuitive to your needs, to your
wants, to your desires, andyou're taking it for granted

(01:00:53):
because you're like, oh, theyjust love me so much.
Stop taking it for granted.
You get into your luteal phaseand they're ready to serve you
and be there for you and they'redoing their best.
And all this, however, yourpartner is there for you in your
luteal phase.
Do not take that for granted,because there are individuals
who will not do that for you.
Everybody doesn't do it, andmaybe if you understood that

(01:01:15):
everybody doesn't do it, thenyou would be more appreciative
to the fact that your partnerdoes.
The next thing is havingself-awareness to how PMDD
premenstrual dysphoric disorder,premenstrual dysphoric disorder
impacts you and your partner,because then, every single time

(01:01:35):
that you go into your lutealphase, you understand wow, I'm
about to shift, because we allshift.
When you have PMDD, you shift.
You're not the same.
Don't try to pretend likeyou're the same.
You're not the same.
It's not a shameful thing.
You're just're the same.
You're not the same.
It's not a shameful thing.
You're just not the same.
And when you get so familiar,you feel like they just need to

(01:01:57):
deal with it.
If you can't handle me in mybad days and you don't deserve
me in my best.
No, you need to understand thatyour partner has to deal with
the ebbs and flows of youfluctuating in your PMDD
relationship, and so the nextthing is providing that
emotional support.
Make sure at all times thatyour partner feels supported,

(01:02:22):
validated and heard, andsometimes you get so comfortable
because, even if they're notsaying it like maybe they're a
person that just doesn't comeout and express their emotions
Are you asking the rightquestions that will allow them
to feel comfortable doing that?
Are you saying, hey, babe, youseem a little quiet today.
Is everything okay?
Or, hey, babe, is thereanything you want to talk about?

(01:02:44):
You can't assume like, oh,they're not asking or they're
not saying anything, so theymust be fine.
No, and a lot of times you knowthat they're not fine, but
you're just choosing not toaddress it for whatever reason,
because you don't want to putforth that effort, because you
feel like, oh, they'll just suckit up and move on and we'll
just be fine.
No, this is when you get theprivate sessions with me and you

(01:03:04):
really get an opportunity totalk about, to deal with, to get
tools on.
Opportunity to talk about, todeal with, to get tools on both
sides.
And that's a lot of whathappened, like the last couple
of months when I was dealingwith a lot of private clients
where they were finally saying alot of things that they have
been bottled, bottling up foryears, not even just days and

(01:03:26):
months, years that they haven'tsaid and their partner was
literally looking at them likeI've never heard you say that or
I've never, like I never knewyou felt that way.
No, they didn't know.
You felt that way because youwere so familiar and used to
them just clamming up and justgoing along like nothing's wrong
.
And the last thing isdeveloping tools for when you

(01:03:52):
have fights.
If you don't, let me ask youthis, because I developed this
for my clients and it's veryindividual, based on who they
are, who both of them are.
When you get in a fight withyour partner, what tool do you
use when you get in a fight,when you get an argument, when
somebody has said somethingthat's below the belt, when you
get in a fight, when you get inan argument when somebody has

(01:04:12):
said something that's below thebelt, when you get angry, when
you get bitter, when you getresentful, when you get
triggered, what's the tool thatyou use If you don't have an
answer to that?
That's showing that you need toget help, and by help I mean
there's a lot of things Iprovide for my clients that are
rinse and repeat, meaning whenyou have a fight.

(01:04:33):
This is what's going to work inyour PMDD relationship, but
it's very individual based.
So if this is something thatyou know that you need help with
and you're saying, dr Rose, I'mguilty, and not in a way of
blaming and shaming, but I'mguilty of taking my partner for
granted and I want to be better.

(01:04:54):
I want to develop ways that I'mshowing my appreciation in a way
that feels authentic to me,because I'm not saying go and be
like, oh, thank you.
Please be genuine, be real, beyou, but make sure that you are
pulling yourself back from therealm of familiarity, because it

(01:05:16):
causes a lot of damage in PMDDrelationships.
So I hope these tools havereally, really helped you and
until next episode, we got this.
I love you.