The Love Language Trap in PMDD Relationships

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Today we are going to talk all about the five love
languages.
So, for those of you who don'tknow, if you've ever been
working on relationships, a lotof things that the first people
go to are the five lovelanguages by Gary Chapman, and I
really, really love his workand I really, really love the

(00:22):
way he hones in on the way thatwe love our partners, the way
that our partners need to beloved.
And I remember on my journey Iwas just in this place of
struggling with havingpremenstrual dysphoric disorder
and abiding by the rules of thelove language, which means that

(00:43):
whatever way that your partnerreceives love, you're supposed
to do it that way.
And I was in this place ofstruggling because a lot of
times when I would get into myluteal phase and I would be
thinking about what my partnerneeds, so I was trying to be
very self-aware.
This is how a lot of times, youcan be my private clients and

(01:05):
do the work, but it makes youeven more self-aware of how you
need to improve in certain areasand it really gets into the
guilt and you really start tobeat yourself up because you
feel like I should be doing more, because I've been doing this
work, I've been working onmyself and now that I know that
my partner's you know, lovelanguage is this, and so let's

(01:26):
just go over the love languagesand before we go over what they
are, the premise is if you knowthat your partner receives love
in a certain way, it is your jobas their partner to speak that
love language in order to letthat person know that you love
them Like.
That's the way that it wasexplained to me, that's the way

(01:48):
it was embedded in my brain, andso I said, okay, if I met a
person, I would.
That would be one of my firstquestions.
I would be like what's yourlove language?
And even on these dating apps,you know, they'll be asking that
.
Or if you're in a relationshipand you're trying to do the work
on yourself and you're DIYingit, which is what I call it.
When my like, before my privateclients come to me, they try to
like you know Google things andtry to say like hey, can I fix?

(02:11):
You know the relationship withtrying to like, learn how you
know I can meet my partner'sneeds, or my partner can meet my
needs, and things like that.
And so the love languages islike the basic step, right and
the ones that resonated with mein one point of my life are
there, and then another part ofmy life they're not there.

(02:33):
So right now what I mean bythat is right now I have a love
language or two.
I always say it's your top two.
I'm never like a very all ornothing, like you know only top
one.
Like if your love language isgifts I'm not saying that has to
be your only love language.
Like the only way that youreally feel loved that's the

(02:55):
whole point of the lovelanguages is to really tap into
yes, I can do all these things.
I can buy you things, I canspend time with you, I can make
love to you amazingly.
I can tell you that you'reamazing with words and I could
do these acts of service and mowthe lawn.
But it's always thisinclination of I need to know

(03:17):
how you feel loved.
Because I was to my privateclients and I would be like why
waste your time doing all ofthese other things when you
could just do what it is thatequates love to them?
Like why waste your time mowingthe grass when your partner
really wants you to make love tothem?
Like that's the way I wasrationalizing it, because it

(03:38):
didn't make sense for you to beputting all this effort for the
same purpose, for the sameintention, but your partner
wasn't receiving it that way.
Like, if you're out mowing thegrass and your partner's upset
because you're not spendingquality time with them, then are
you really showing them an actof love or are you just doing
something that you feel like youshould be doing because that's

(04:00):
the way that you experience love?
Like when someone mows yourgrass, you feel like, wow, they
really prioritize me, theyreally love me, they're really
trying to help me, they'rereally trying to be a partner.
That's how my best friend is.
Like my best friend, and shecame on a podcast episode a
couple months ago.
Her thing is acts of serviceand we always talk about this

(04:23):
because she talks about how youknow when she is dating, she
wants a guy that's going to takethe initiative and take some
things off of her plate, likemow the grass or go pick up
things from the store or goorder her food from DoorDash, or
just anticipate her needs andmeet her needs through acts of
service.
And for me that's like hiredhelp.

(04:44):
Like I can order DoorDash, Ican get a lawn guy to do my lawn
Like.
I don't feel loved by them.
When they do it, I appreciateit and then I compensate them
accordingly, but I don't feellike, oh my gosh, you really
love me because you like mowedmy grass Like.
But I do know that's very realfor her.
So I do not discredit or likeinvalidate how she feels love,

(05:07):
just the same way as you knowwhat I oh my gosh, what I
acknowledged, that my lovelanguage and I feel like it's my
true love language.
Because what I will say is whenyou're in those moments of
clarity, when the fog has lifted, when you're not going through
a traumatic situation in yourrelationship, where you're not

(05:28):
going through a fight, a lot offights, where you're not going
through a lot of argument, whereyou're not experiencing a lot
of stress, when you're not inrecovery mode, then I would say
you're in the place to reallydiscovering what is your love
language for the season thatyou're in.
So I will say that where I wasa year ago, my love languages
then are completely different towhat my love languages are now.

(05:50):
A year ago I was in this placewhere I was feeling very alone.
I was feeling very alone in asense of I'm doing everything
myself.
So I was really into that.
Do an act of like, let me knowthat you care about me.
Buy me a gift.
I needed something tangible,which I'm not a very

(06:13):
materialistic person, like I'mactually a minimalist, like I
try to get rid of things.
I'm a very do I need it, do Ilove it, even when I go to the
store.
I let you in on one of mytricks and I use it for my
daughter not to trick her, butit's a really good psychology
trick or, I would say, tool,something trick, but it's a
psychology tool where you know,I used to.

(06:36):
I remember being pregnant andbefore I had a child, I would
see all of these kids in thestore like acting up, like
crying on the ground and likeyelling and screaming and all of
these things, and I wasmortified because I'm not like a
confrontational person.
So I was like, how am I evergoing to be able to deal with
this?
Like I'm very like, okay, likeI'm a you know I can be,

(06:59):
especially with people that Ilove.
I I discovered that I can be inthis realm of like people
pleasing, which is not reallygood with children, because they
need structure, they needdiscipline.
They need all the things.
So I was like this is not goingto end well, because if I see
my child laying on the groundand crying and wanting this toy,
I'm going to be like here, takethe toy, like you win, like I,

(07:19):
I'm not going to fight you on it, right?
And so I remember seeing thatscenario and being like, oh, my
gosh, like what am I going to doif I'm ever put in that
scenario?
And you know it can go into therealm of like, oh, this person
like gifts and they want this.
And I really got to this placewhere I was like you know what?
I want to be very intentionalwith the way that I am

(07:45):
expounding my energy and itdoesn't have to do with giving
them something that they want.
So what I did was I wanted mychild to really get the
satisfaction of what it is thatthey wanted.
It's kind of like the lovelanguages.
You want to know that yourpartner is giving you the
satisfaction of what it is thatyou want, whether it's words of

(08:06):
affirmation, whether it'sphysical touch, whether it's
gifts, whether it's acts ofservice, whether it's quality
time.
You want to know that you'rewith a person that is willing to
give you what it is that youwant.
And I was like I want to bethat person.
I love my daughter.
I want to be there for her LikeI want her to feel loved by me.
Love my daughter, I want to bethere for her, like I want her

(08:28):
to feel loved by me.
And so when we would go throughthe store we would be.
I would get my grocery cart, Iwould sit her in the top and she
would see things and point atthem and as she got older she
would be able to get out thecart and grab them and I let her
put whatever she wanted in thebasket.
There was never a breakdown,there was never crying, there
was never anything.
I let her, as we were walkingthrough the aisles, she put

(08:50):
anything she wanted in thebasket.
There was no restriction.
It was kind of like you know itreally, what I noticed as she's
gotten older because now she'sa teenager, she's 15, she'll be
16 this year it reallydiminished that scarcity
mentality.
You know how, when you'regrowing up and you're only
allowed to get one piece ofcandy or you're only allowed to

(09:10):
do one thing, like you tend towhen you get to be an adult, you
tend to over indulge.
I never wanted her to be in therealm of feeling like there's
scarcity, like, oh my gosh.
When I was home I never wasable to do this, and now that
I'm an adult and I'm out in theworld, like now, I get to do it,
because then you tend tooverindulge and overdo it.
So I'll let her put anything inthe basket and I've shared this

(09:32):
with a lot of my mom friendsand clients.
So whatever she wanted, she putin the basket because I would
be in the store.
I'm one of those people that goup and down the aisles like,
cause I?
I schedule it out to have, likeyou know, an hour of my time to
just see what it is that I want, because a lot of times you
don't know what you want fromthe store until you actually see

(09:53):
it.
So you can make a list and youcan be really stringent and be
like I'm going here to get this,but then you see something else
, like a Glades plugin, andyou're like, oh, I need that too
.
So I give myself theopportunity to go up and down
the aisles and I've always takenmy daughter with me and I let
her put everything in the basketas we were going.
She was like, oh, that's good,I want this.
I'm like, okay, put it in thebasket.

(10:14):
What that did, that's thedopamine hit.
The dopamine hit is theexcitement of I want this.
If I was to immediately shut itdown and tell her to keep going
, her mood would immediatelyshift and she would want that
thing even more.
She doesn't even know what thatthing is going to do for her.
She doesn't know what it'sgoing to do for her life.
She doesn't know how it's goingto add value.
She doesn't know how it's goingto make her happy.

(10:36):
But the fact that I told hershe couldn't have it, she could
be crying for 75 aisles up anddown and she will just be in
this place of her mood being notregulated, she acting out of
character.
This is when you see the kidsthat are like I don't understand
, dr Rose.
Like when they're home theywould never act like this.
But when they get into thestore, you know they're not

(10:58):
listening to me.
They're like climbing overthings, they're throwing stuff
down.
There's all this eroticbehavior and it's because you
haven't met the need of thatinitial dopamine hit of I want
this, and a lot of times we'rein our PMDD relationships is the
same way it is.
There is this void I am withyou, I want this.

(11:19):
And so, going back to what I didfor my daughter, I let her put
everything in the basket.
Back to what I did for mydaughter.
I let her put everything in thebasket and then, when it got
time for us to go to the cashregister, I would say, okay, now
you can get two things.
Choose which two things thatyou want to get.
And so there's this level ofentitlement.
It's like, oh, I get to choose.
I get to choose out of all thethings that I loved in this

(11:41):
whole store.
I get to choose the two that Iactually want.
So she would go through and shewould look and she would start
to and I'd let her put thingsback with me.
I'd be like, okay, where didyou get this?
And then it was like anadventure.
It's like, oh, you got thisfrom here, let's go put this
back.
Oh, you got this from here.
And I would ask her hey, areyou sure, like before, don't
want this?
And she was like, sometimes shechanged her mind, sometimes she

(12:02):
didn't.
I always gave her the autonomyof whatever she loved.
In that moment she was able toget and then she had to choose.
She made a choice, she was firmin that choice and by the time
we got to the cash register andwe checked out and that's been
the trajectory of her desiringsomething, her being able to

(12:24):
make a choice.
There were so many lessons inthat, because she was able to
make a choice as to what shetruly wanted.
Because a lot of times when weget in relationships, there's
all obviously out of the lovelanguages.
They all sound amazing.
Words sound amazing, someonetelling you that they love you,
physical touch sounds amazing,through certain cycles, gifts

(12:44):
sounds amazing, quality time andthen acts of service.
But there's always two thingsthat are like the primary, like
okay, this works for me and thisworks for me, and a lot of
times maybe it's the combinationof both.
So fast forward to myrelationships.
I used to think that my and I'meven looking down at the list

(13:06):
because I'm trying to like notbe biased as to what I really
want right now but I reallywanted and again, I was in a
long distance marriage, so maybequality time um was prevalent
for that reason Right, sobecause of my circumstance of
being in a long distancemarriage.
I really valued quality time inthe realm of taking trips, like

(13:29):
I wanted to take a trip, Iwanted to spend time with you, I
wanted to make memories, Iwanted to take pictures, like
all of those things were really,really important to me.
And gifts became important tome because I needed something to
hold on to in the times that Iwasn't going to be with you.
And I will tell you right nowgifts and quality time are the

(13:50):
furthest of my love languages.
So I will tell you.
I feel like I keep saying Iwill tell you, because I'm
obviously going to tell you.
We're on a podcast, but yourlove language will change during
different phases of your life.
Where you and your partner arein the beginning of your

(14:11):
relationship, specifically whenyou're in PMDD and you're in
your luteal phase, your lovelanguages could change through
all four phases of your cycle,meaning, when you're in
menstruation, you probably don'thave a lot of energy, you
probably want to hibernate.
You probably would love someacts of service, right?

(14:31):
You would love to have yourpartner take over a lot of
things that you don't have theenergy to do.
And then, when you're in yourfollicular phase, you probably
want to spend a lot of time withyour partner, you probably want
to connect with them In yourluteal phase again, when you're
not feeling a lot of energy.
Gifts are really really high.

(14:53):
They're really really effectiveto showing your partner that
you love them while alsorespecting their boundaries.
Meaning, if you're in a placewhere you're in your luteal
phase, you're not wanting tospend a lot of time with your
partner, but you're also wantingto feel like you're connected.
Your love language in yourluteal phase may be gifts,
because you have thatconfirmation my partner loves me

(15:14):
, my partner cares about me, butthey're also respecting my
boundaries and giving me thespace that I need while I'm
suffering in PMDD and then whenyou get into ovulation, you may
be in that place of having thedesire to have physical touch,
like you feel really loved whenyou're ovulating and you're
feeling connected and you'refeeling like free in your body

(15:36):
to explore all of the thingsthat you probably have been
thinking about but haven't hadthe energy to do.
Maybe you choose your ovulationfor that and then, when you're
in your follicular phase, I'mreally free with my words.
When I'm in my follicular phase,I'm feeling so loving, so it's
easy for me to say loving things.

(15:57):
I receive loving things so much.
So I will say that your literallove languages can fluctuate
through every phase of yourcycle.
So if you want to really workthrough this which is what a lot
of times what I do with myprivate clients I want you to
just take out a pen and pad andI want you to write down the
five love languages words ofaffirmation, physical touch,

(16:20):
gifts, quality time and acts ofservice and I want you to assign
each love language to whatphase of your cycle you feel it
the most.
So for me, right now, presentday, being in the dating world,
my absolute love languages aremy top two, because I always say
there's top two, there's aprimary and an alternate are

(16:44):
words of affirmation andphysical touch.
Those are my two If you compare.
Giving me words of affirmation,telling me not just, I don't
mean compliments, I meansomething meaningful, meaning
tell me how our interactionimpacted you.
Tell me how you feel about me,how our interaction impacted.

(17:07):
You Tell me how you feel aboutme Like I like to go really deep
into the mindset, because ifit's cookie cutter, like I and
we'll get into that in thisepisode I'm just going to be
like that's a scam, like and youknow me, I've been, I talked
openly about this Like I am theposter child for love bombing,
right, I, I don't even you knowthere's so much shame about it,

(17:27):
about being love bombed andabout, you know, being a person
that's like, oh, you feel forthat.
Like I don't feel shame inbeing a poster child for love
bombing, because I know where itis, that it came from.
And the reason why I can saythis is because I did the work
on myself when I realized, oh mygosh, I'm a poster child for

(17:49):
love bombing.
Like when I'm dating, ifsomeone tells me again, not even
compliments, they're just veryattentive and then they
communicate with me.
I was dating this guy.
I almost said his name, like Ialmost said his name, but I was
dating this guy and we would goon these dates and then, after
we would go on the date, hewould say, hey, do you have time

(18:11):
to talk?
Maybe like an hour later, howyou come home from the date and
then you're decompressing.
He was like, hey, do you havetime to talk?
And I would be like, oh sure.
And he would literally recapvia his words and this wasn't
necessarily love bombing in away that it's false and it's
narcissistic, so maybe I'mtitling it a little bit wrong,
but what I mean is he describedthe date from his perspective,

(18:38):
which I was like the emoji withthe heart eyes, because I love
to understand where people are,I love to understand what
they're feeling, I love to hearabout it.
And so when he literally gotoff the date and wanted to do I
think we called it somethinglike a recap or something we
called it like we would go onthese dates and we would be like

(19:00):
pretty normal, very normalwithin the date, but then
afterwards he would starttalking about yeah, when you did
this, this is how I felt, andwhen I did this, this is how I
felt.
And yeah, I really loved this.
Like I was just like.
It was like watching the movieof my life and for someone that
is a what is the word?
I'm going to have to Google it.

(19:21):
What is the word?
I'm going to have to Google it.
I think it's sapiosexual, likesapiosexual, which means that I
am mentally like when I'mmentally and emotionally
stimulated, like that's wherethe attraction comes from.
I cause I intellectually wantto know what's going on.
It's never been just a physicalthing for me.

(19:42):
So, with words of affirmation.
When you tell me how you'refeeling, tell me what you're
thinking, like I feel so loved,I feel so cared for, even if
you're just describing yourexperience, I just feel so
connected that we're even in theplace that we're discussing it.
And then my next one is physicaltouch, which I strongly believe

(20:03):
that one of the major reasonsthat I have physical touch is
one of my now love languages isI have been deeply deprived of
physical touch for a goodportion of my life.
And again, this is with thework that I did since my past
breakup with my PMDD partnerthat I didn't realize how much

(20:28):
of my life I didn't really havephysical touch.
That made me feel loved, likeyes, someone can hug you and yes
, someone last marriage, becausewe were long distance, and so

(20:50):
there was this big gap of time,like I would probably only see
my partner like once a month ifthat.
And then, if there was somemonths, it would be like twice a
month, and so there was thisdemand on physical touch, like a
check the block thing, like oh,we haven't seen each other.
We need to like physicallyconnect.

(21:10):
And then there was some monthswhere it would be like nothing
and I was so committed, sodedicated to my marriage, my
relationship, that I putphysical touch on the background
because and I know me if Iwould have put it on the
forefront and said like, hey,this is so important to me that

(21:33):
it needs to happen, I would havebeen completely unhappy and
dissatisfied the entirety of ourmarriage because it was so
lacking.
Now that I think about itpresent day, I don't know how we
survived as long as we didwithout the level of physical
touch, because even hugs withinitself is so healing and I teach

(21:56):
this to my clients and so Icouldn't believe that I put
myself in a situation where Iwas going to be deprived of
something that was so crucial toa relationship.
But I remember, towards the end, within the last year, I
remember trying to cultivate it,I was trying to make it happen
in our relationship.
When we were together, I'm like,hey, I know that we're hanging

(22:18):
out with all these people, butlet's hug, let's take a moment
and let's be intimate and let'sbe affectionate, let's, you know
, be affectionate and let's showPDA.
That was my way of reallysaying like I am like literally
starving a physical touchbecause I hadn't had it.
I hadn't had someone be walkingdown the street with me and

(22:39):
holding my hands, or be in thecar and holding my hands and, um
being so, the intimacy is likedeeper than just sex.
I will say that it is more soof the touch of another person.
Um is so valuable and Idiscovered that after um the

(23:02):
divorce happened.
When I started dating, I startedto recognize, like the way that
my mind and my body reactedwhen someone would be like
openly affectionate, like if wewere just we're dating, and you
like hold my hand, like whenwe're walking down the street,
which I love because I andthat's another thing I'm like

(23:22):
how did I do without this?
Because I love the it's.
It's for me, it's thedifference between being with
someone that's a friend andbeing with someone that's a
partner, or someone that you'redating and someone that you want
to feel loved by.
Like that's the difference, theintimacy.
And so if you get out the carand they go, immediately go to
hold your hand or they put theirarm around you or one of the

(23:45):
things that I love that um, oneof not one, I'm supposed to say
one of the guys, one of thethings that I love is I was
getting out the car one day andI think, oh, I was getting
dropped off.
I was getting dropped off from adate and they literally went to

(24:08):
the other side, opened my door.
I got out the car and I kind ofleaned around the car just to
talk a little bit and theyliterally grabbed my face and
kissed me so sweetly, so nice,and I melted like a stick of
butter.
I felt so loved, so cared for,and they just did that and then
was like a stick of butter.

(24:29):
I felt so loved, so cared for,and they just like did that and
then was like I love you, likeyou're so beautiful, you're so
like.
It was like a mixture of all ofthe things, of the words of
affirmation.
That's what I mean by the mixof like, the words of
affirmation and the physicaltouch.
Because if it's just physicaltouch, like, I'm going to assume
that you're horny and that thisis like a self-serving process
which doesn't feel good to me.
Like, if I feel like the onlyreason that you're trying to,

(24:52):
you know, interact with mephysically is to meet one of
your needs, I'm immediatelyturned off and everything is
like cut off.
Like I had a dating coach whowas like you'll be.
What did he say?
You'll be drier like the Saharadesert.
Like that's me, like I'm justlike I don't lean into that.
But when you mix genuine andnot love bombing, but genuine

(25:13):
how you feel about me.
Like I was telling you earlierabout the guy that I was dating
that told me about the wholedate, and he did that one time
we went for a walk at the end ofthe date one evening and we
were walking by the water andwe're holding hands and he
started to just do the recapthat he would do, like tell me
about the date and, oh, thistime felt about this and I

(25:35):
really love when we did this andthen mixed it with like
affection, with like hugging andkissing and holding hands and
like it felt so good and notfrom a like a flesh perspective,
but just more so.
I felt so loved, so cherished,so adored, so that that's my

(25:57):
Achilles heel, which is one ofthe reasons why I'm like know
what?
I'm dating?
Everyone I'm dating always whenthey figure out that I record a
podcast, cause like I've let itslip out a couple of times
where I'm like these are thedays that I record, they're like
let me hear your podcast.
I'm like absolutely not.
You would have all the keys tothe kingdom.
So that's one of the thingsthat I could like fall in love

(26:18):
with.
It's like hearing someone speakgenuine words and feelings and
being vulnerable.
Vulnerability is such a bigdeal for me.
I feel like when it's surfacelevel, like if you just say I'm
beautiful and I'm saying thisnot in a vain way, not in a
narcissistic way, but like Iknow I'm beautiful If you just
say, oh, you're so kind, like Iknow I'm kind of like I need it

(26:42):
to be a little bit more specificand again, we're going to get
into this in this episode.
But when I'm in PMDD, you know,my love language is literally
shifts.
I will say I'm looking at thelist now, a little cheat sheet.
When I'm in PMDD, I don'treally need acts of service,
like I feel like I hire enoughpeople to help me out.

(27:03):
I do genuinely enjoy cooking,so I don't really need anyone to
do that.
I rage clean, and what I meanby that is I'll be in PMDD.
Rage over whatever.
You know, things happen and Ilove cleaning.
So I would never hire a cleanerbecause they would take that
away from me.
Quality time when I'm in myluteal phase?

(27:23):
No, I like spending time, butit's like a calmer thing, like
it's a very low key, like I cantake it or leave it.
Like I'm in my luteal phaseright now, I'm on day four.
I can take it or leave it.
I don't feel less loved becausewe're not up on each other.
Now, if this was ovulation, ifthis was my follicular phase, I

(27:46):
would be totally offended thatmy person is not blowing up my
phone trying to spend all theirdays with me.
But right now I value my alonetime because I do so much during
PMDD, during my luteal phase,that regulates my symptoms.
So I'm good.
Like if you're busy, if you'rewhatever.
Like, I support this message.

(28:06):
Gifts no.
Like in my luteal phase I don'tknow Cause.
I'm actually a what do you callit?
I'm like a minimalist.
I don't like a lot of things, Idon't like a lot of clutter.
So you just giving me randomthings, even if you know flowers

(28:27):
or whatever.
Like I would obviouslyappreciate anything, but like
that's not a priority of mine.
I wouldn't feel loved.
I would feel like.
I would feel like oh, you likeme, you got me this.
You know physical touch.
I'm actually one of thoseweirdos and I will say it's a
weirdo because I don't have alot of clients.
I have some, but I don't have alot that value.

(28:48):
Physical touch during theluteal phase.
For me it is a absolute resetand if you go back for a billion
years on my episodes, it'scalled the magic pill in your
PMDD relationship.
Okay, having sex, having an I'mabout to say ovulation, a
orgasm during my luteal phaseresets me Absolutely.

(29:13):
Everything is realigned, I feelmore positive, I feel more
relaxed, I feel more cared for,I feel so good in my luteal
phase and I know there's so manypeople that don't like to be
touched and so I'm not trying tolike trigger you or anything,
but I just say it would say forme, and it's a, it's a different

(29:35):
energy, I will say, during theluteal phase than it is in other
phases.
As far as the, the way in whichthe interaction is yeah, read in
between the lines am I choking?
Oh, my gosh, drinking water.

(29:55):
Clearly I'm blushing over herelike I'm like, oh well, because
I'm trying to like be respectful.
I know I have young kids as lowas um 13, some of my clients
that are listening, so I'mtrying to be very respectful,
but it's not all that, to sayPhysical touch during my luteal
phase.
You get a thumbs up from me,words of affirmation.

(30:17):
Yes, I need that kind ofreassurance to stop my spinning
brain, to stop my overthinkingbrain.
I have a lot of intrusivethoughts I make up like a whole
series in my brain if I don'tget it.
But you know what?
What I've noticed with the lovelanguages is, and the reason
why I even did this episode isbecause I don't know, if you

(30:39):
know, I think I mentioned itlightly on some episodes but
every counselor should have acounselor.
Every therapist should have atherapist.
Every coach should have acounselor.
Every therapist should have atherapist.
Every coach should have a coach.
I know my coach does.
I probably wouldn't hiresomeone that didn't have their
own person to regulatewhatever's going on in their
life.
And I have a person and thatperson told me that I do weekly

(31:01):
sessions with them.
So I never tell you to dosomething that I'm not already
doing.
I'm investing in my mentalwellbeing just as much as I'm
tell you to do something thatI'm not already doing.
I'm investing in my mentalwell-being just as much as I'm
advising you to do.
And I was in this place of beingso frustrated.
I will say that the month ofwhat is this May April, like
March April, was so stressfulfor me in my luteal phase.

(31:26):
There was a lot of overthinking, there was a lot of
dissatisfaction.
I was deeply dissatisfied and Iwas just in this place of being
like why don't they do this andwhy don't they do that?
There was a lot of complainingand a lot of standards that I
didn't feel was being met.

(31:46):
I didn't feel loved a lot oftimes and that was hard for me
because I felt like I wasputting my best foot forward in
this connection that I do haveright now.
And I had them ask me which iswhy I decided to do this episode
why, like what is their lovelanguage or whatever?

(32:07):
Like what?
Basically, they were describingthat I was having a void and I
was expecting this person tofill my void in the way that I
demanded that they fill it, andif they didn't do it, then they
didn't love me, because they hadsaid that they love me and I
was like there's no way if theylove me.
I was very much conditioned.
So I will say, when you comeout of a relationship, it's

(32:30):
always really good to examinethe remnants, which could be a
whole nother episode.
Examine the remnants of what isleft from the previous
relationship that you may beconditioned to do and you may be
holding this current partnerliable for doing things that the
other partner did.
And if they didn't do them likebasically, if another partner

(32:53):
did something to make you feelloved and then you get in
another relationship and thisperson doesn't do it you
automatically assume that theydon't love you.
That was a space that I was inas of a month ago.
I was like I get good morningtexts.
Like one of the things that canhappen when you have these
distinct love languages is youmay have one partner that meets

(33:15):
all the blocks of one lovelanguage but not the other.
Like this is what was happening.
I had a partner before my ex whoexceeded my expectations when
it came to words of affirmation.
I never had to ask them for agood morning text, the good
night text, during the day text.
I never had to worry aboutcommunication at all.
They were always communicative,they were very attentive, they

(33:37):
paid attention to detail, theyremembered the little things.
They gave me gifts.
They were so good on the wordsof affirmation and the gifts,
like absolutely 100%.
And so when I met my currentperson, they're really good on
physical touch, like when we'retogether it's always like very
affectionate, like let me holdthe door for you, let me hold

(33:59):
your hand, like if we'retogether it's so cutesy and you
feel so protected and you feelso loved and you feel so adored
and you feel like really, reallyloved and good.
And I didn't have that with myex, but I do have that with my
current person.
And so I was in this space oflike man, I was getting like the
catch 22.

(34:19):
I was trying to like get all ofthe things that I got from my
past and move it into my presentso that I can move forward.
And I remember being like thewords of affirmation was not
there.
It was not, it was very minimaland it caused me to overthink

(34:40):
so much that I started to accusethem of infidelity.
I'm like, hey, if you want, Iremember one time it was like on
my mind so much that I was likeI can't deal with this Cause.
I'm not a person that can likehide my cards, like if I love
you, if I'm intimate with youintimate meaning we're connected
like I don't hold back.

(35:01):
And so I remember just being upone night and I was like I
can't do this.
And so I literally text him andwas like if you want to date
someone else, you can just letme know.
And he was so offended he waslike pretty much, what the heck
are you talking about, chickennugget?
Like I like where is thiscoming from?
Because last time we saw eachother like we were good and my
whole thing was I was trying toget him on this routine of

(35:25):
texting me in the morning,texting me midday, texting me at
night, and I and I he wastrying to do it.
I get he was sure it was verylike it was not the best, cause
he would like say good morning,I mean like a morning, maybe a
good morning, my love, orwhatever, whatever.
And then he would like, um, howwas your day?
And then go, go, like go intowork and like be working for 40

(35:49):
days and 40 nights.
And I'd be like, well, thatdidn't.
I was expecting thecommunication to keep going, but
what basically was happening isI was in this realm of I want
you to love me the way I wantyou to love me because of my
love language.
I was like you need to do thisor else I'm not going to feel
loved.
I was completely ignoring, soall of the ways that I was like
you need to do this or else I'mnot going to feel loved.
I was completely ignoring, soall of the ways that I was like,

(36:10):
admiring the fact that he wasmaking time out of his busy
schedule which he really doeshave a busy schedule to spend
time with me, being superaffectionate.
I put that on the backgroundand buying me flowers, offering
to do things for me, like prettymuch all of the things outside
of the words.
I was discrediting because hewasn't doing things the way that

(36:31):
I wanted him to do them.
But it was based off of an oldnarrative Like that's what my
counselor really had to.
You know, get like dig, this iswhat we do as counselors.
It's not really about thesurface level.
So for me, it was never reallyabout the good morning text,
right, it was never about oh, Idon't think that they want to

(36:52):
tell me good morning.
It was about what is the deepermeaning of that, why is it so
important to me, and the reasonwhy it was so important to me
when I really did the work, andthis took about three to four
weeks.
So, like I said, this doesn'thappen easily when you come to
these conclusions and you figureout, because I think what's
counseling which is themisunderstanding and the

(37:12):
misconception is that you go toone session and you figure
everything out.
It takes multiple sessions justto figure out what it is that
we need to work on.
So, unless you've alreadypre-done the work and you're
pre-plucked, as I call it, andyou're like, oh, this is what I
need to work on, that's onething, but as we're doing the
work, other things come up, andso I literally had to go three

(37:34):
or four sessions and I was likewait a minute.
The only reason that I reallyam requiring and saying like
this is my love language.
He needs to do this.
I'm so disappointed becausehe's not doing this is because
when I was in my previousrelationship, good morning texts
and good night texts were a waythat I felt loved and I'm so
conditioned after five years ofbeing in that environment day to

(37:57):
day.
You have to think day to day,for five years straight, there
was never a day that went by.
We were living in multiplecountries, we were living in
multiple places.
Never, never, never did a daygo by where we didn't send a
good morning text, a good nighttext, a communication during the
day.
That just didn't happen.
That was just our thing.
So now going into thisrelationship, this other

(38:17):
relationship where that's notreally required, I was feeling
so unloved, so devalued, so allof the things, and I started to
make up stories in my mind as towhy this is not happening.
Why are you waking up andstarting your day and not
feeling the need to connect withme and say something Like why
are you going to bed at nightand working a whole day and not
feeling the need to connect withme?

(38:38):
These were things that I foundvery offensive and you know,
being offended is one of thethings that I really had to work
with when I was going throughmy divorce and I was going
through my last breakup.
I had graduated from that right, but now I felt this sense of
entitlement, which maybe you canrelate to, where you feel like
if I'm in this relationship withyou, then I feel entitled to

(39:01):
this kind of treatment, like ifyou're going to be with me and
my love language is words ofaffirmation, or my love language
is physical touch, or my lovelanguage is gifts, or my love
language is acts of service ormy love language is quality time
.
You will do these things or Iwon't feel loved.
And the problem is not that youjust don't feel loved, that you

(39:22):
punish your partner because youdon't feel loved.
And that's exactly what I wasdoing.
I was accusing him of infidelityand that's exactly what I was
doing.
I was accusing him ofinfidelity, I was pulling back,
I was playing games.
It was just like a weird.
I was playing games.
It was like a weird because Iwas trying to get.
I was playing games in order toget what it is that I really
really needed, specifically whenI was in my luteal phase.

(39:43):
I'm like I just need him totext me this good morning.
I just like I needed someone tolike ease my mind.
But I had to take a step backand was like that's a me thing,
that's me needing that.
That's not him literally doinganything.
I'm taking the space and timeof the gaps in between
communication and I'm making upa whole story.

(40:06):
Communication and I'm making upa whole story and I believe the
story.
And I told the story to myfriend, who is probably used to
hearing the stories, and I waslike can you believe.
And she was like, oh no, hedidn't.
It's like this weird thing thathappens when you have friends
and family that love you andcare about you.
When you start to mention thesethings, they're like, oh my

(40:27):
gosh, but you have to rememberthat you're listening to it from
the perspective of the personthat is offended, right.
So I had this sense ofentitlement, like if you're
going to be with me, you need todo this, this, this, this, this
.
And so I remember him.
When I confronted him and Isaid that he was actually at
work and like took a picture ofhimself at work.
He's like, baby, I'm at work.

(40:49):
Like I don't know why you'retalking about someone else.
And he was like you know what,if this is fine, like, like
basically breaking up with me,like I'm, I'm good, like if this
is what you think of me, likethat makes me sad, blah, blah,
blah.
And it was like this situationthat it even added fuel to the
fire.
I'm like, oh, they're trying tobreak up.

(41:11):
Of course they have someoneelse.
It was like a weird.
I knew it was a me thing,because I've become so
self-aware over the years.
Like, years and years and years, I've done this.
Years and years and years.
I've had PMT for 19 years andI've had the intrusive thoughts
for 19 years and I've worked onmyself and all the things.
And so I was like I know thisis a me thing, but sometimes,
even when you're beingself-aware, you still can like

(41:33):
see yourself do it in the moment.
Even though you see yourselfdoing it in a moment.
So I really had to take a stepback and which is why it's so
impactful to have weekly I willsay weekly private sessions with
your person that you're yourcounselor, your psych, your

(41:54):
psychologist, your therapist.
And I opened my books up forthe month of May.
So if that's not something thatyou've, you've gotten in on um,
you're going to get an emailthis week and it's going to be
giving you my availability,which means I know a lot of
times individuals reach out andthey're like when are you
available?
When are you available?
I'm going to make it very clearabout the open spots that I

(42:18):
have for the month of May on aweekly basis, because I do have
consistent private clients.
And then I do have privateclients that I leave open spots
for them in case anythinghappens, because I give them
homework or they have eventsgoing on in their life and then
I say, okay, if anything happens, this is your open spot, so the
ones that I have remaining, Iwill be sending you an email.
If you're not on my email list,make sure you DM me.
You can actually send me a textmessage on this podcast.

(42:44):
You can message me on Spotify.
You can DM me on Instagram.
Drrose underscore in love withPMDD.
To make sure that you get on myschedule for the month of May,
I realized that I was going todo a monthly calendar, but
things change, as you know, inPMDD relationships, that I'm
going to start to do it weekly,where I'm giving you my

(43:05):
availability because I know withmy person I will say I'm
meeting with you, mypsychotherapist.
I will say I'm meeting withthem for one day a week, which
is a it's like a non-negotiable.
I meet with them one day a weeklike cause, something is going
to happen within that one week,but then something else might
come up, so I need like an extrasession.
So I know I'm trying to keepmyself open for those additional

(43:26):
sessions that happen, becauseyou kind of need that guidance
in the moment when things arehappening.
So, going back to it, I was inthis place of just like wanting
him to love me, show me love inthe way that I desire to be
loved, which was sending thosedaily text messages when, in the
grand scheme of things, out ofeverything else that he was

(43:48):
doing, it was kind of like, whyis that so important?
Like, if he's showing up foryou, he's taking you on dates,
you're spending all this qualitytime together, he's giving you
gifts, he's cooking for you,like all of these things, why is
this so important?
So I will say, ask yourselfthat question when you're
looking down the list of yourthe love languages why is the

(44:13):
one that you're demanding ofyour partner so important?
Like that was the cue for me.
I am now demanding If you donot send me this text message
morning, noon and nightbasically sorry, I needed water
morning, noon and night then wehave an issue, we have a problem
which, for them, you have tothink like some people don't

(44:33):
communicate like that and I, Iremember him saying to me one
time like baby, I know that youreceive love with words and I'm
trying to spend it Like I'mtrying to show you and I
remember him saying it sovulnerably I'm trying to show
you with the time that I'mspending with you, with the way
that I'm investing with you andlike I'm trying to show you in

(44:55):
these other ways because Iliterally like it's not, it
wasn't his thing, like I feellike he was doing it, but it
wasn't his thing.
And so the first tool that Ireally want to give you is don't
ignore how your partner lovesyou, because it's not the way
that you want.
Don't ignore the way that theylove you.

(45:18):
Like if you're saying that yourpartner is not giving you good
morning sex, or you're sayingthat your partners, if you're
living together and they're notpicking up around the house or
they're not doing certain things, I would always ask you, list
out the ways that they do loveyou.
List it out and then I wouldsay, after you list it out, does
that really value?
You Like, do you find value inthe way that your partner does

(45:42):
the things that they're doing toshow you love, or are you just
like, yeah, yeah, yeah, they dothat, but they don't do this?
I was minimizing what he wasdoing and it damaged it really,
really damaged, like we wouldn'thave had.
Like an argument which I doactually like is that it didn't

(46:03):
turn into anything like yellingCause, like I'm all for, like
let me see how you are inconflict, because we talked
about previous episodes Like Ican't do the yelling, I can't do
this.
But it was like this thing oflike disconnection, which for me
, it's like when you're inconflict and you're disconnected
, like it's.
So I don't like it.
I don't like the way it feels,I don't like the way it looks
like it's, I don't like it.

(46:24):
And the way it looks like it's,I don't like it.
And so what I really had to dowas like I had to really
recognize what the root ofeverything was coming from,
because it was definitely a mething, because I felt like if I
didn't bring it up, we would befine, because I would see him
again and he would act likenothing was wrong and he'd be
like hey, baby, and blah, blah,blah and I would just I would be

(46:44):
fuming because of these unmetexpectations based off of a love
language that I needed.
But you have to understand, justlike I told you, I need five
different love languages in fourdifferent parts of my cycle.
Can we just understand howcomplex that is and the pressure
that that is putting on anotherhuman Meaning when I'm in

(47:08):
ovulation, I want to feel likewe went through it and I need
all these different things.
This is not a three ring circus.
So a lot of times you'reexpecting your partner to like,
oh I'm in this phase, Now dothis.
Oh I'm in this phase, now dothat.
And they're like like, this isnot a circus.
So the fact that you'rediscrediting what they are doing

(47:30):
because you're demanding whatyou need in the present moment,
because I guarantee you, if I'mswitching cycles, what I need in
today may be completelydifferent from tomorrow and what
you did yesterday might beexactly what I need today Like
that's the complexity of beingwith a woman with premenstrual
dysphoric disorder and I had totake complete responsibility of
that, because it's not a realmof like, oh, I'm gonna break up

(47:51):
with this person because they'renot doing this, because guess
what?
Anybody that you're gonna bewith is going to have to learn
how to navigate a PMDDrelationship with you.
So this is not a matter ofthrowing away this partner just
to get another partner just togo back.
You're like you're going tostart at square one, like if you

(48:13):
and I've had this happen whereclients have broken up with
their PMDD partner literallystop listening to the podcast
Cause they're like I don't havea partner, let me stop listening
.
I will say if you're single andyou've broken up with your
partner, still listen to thepodcast.
It is still going to applybecause at some point you're
going to be in anotherrelationship and you still want
to be working on yourself inbetween.
So don't feel like it's socompartmentalized that it's like
, oh, I'm not in a PMDDrelationship, like if that was

(48:34):
the case, I would have stoppeddoing the podcast.
When I got out of arelationship.
I would have been like oh, I'mnot a PMDD partner anymore, so I
guess I don't need to do this.
No, wherever you are in yourlife, as long as you have
premenstrual disorder, thisinformation is going to be
valuable for you.
So I really want to talk to youtoday about the five love
languages, which we've reallygone over, and how they can add

(48:58):
stress.
You know, this is why I lovetalking to you all, because
there's so many things that areso beneficial for the general
public, for everyone else, andit's like that Kendrick Lamar
song like they, not like us,meaning a lot of things that
work for other people do notwork for individuals who have

(49:19):
premenstrual dysphoric disorder.
I will repeat that A lot ofthings that work for other
people do not work forindividuals who have
premenstrual dysphoric disorder,specifically in relationships.
So the advice that I would givemy private clients who are
trauma-based, who don't havePMDD, it's not the same as the
individuals that I have asprivate clients who have PMDD.

(49:40):
Like I have to compartmentalizeand separate the two because
with us it's very specialized.
So whenever you go to a doctor,whenever you go to a counselor,
psychologist, just like you goto a gynecologist, there's
certain doctors that arespecialized in a certain area.
When they're specialized inthat area, they give you advice,
they give you guidance, theygive you tools that work for

(50:01):
that specific area, becausethat's what they specialize in.
This is not a generalized thingLike anything that works for you
.
Like on social media, like alot of times you'll see a lot of
generalized information aboutrelationships and I fell down
that hole.
I fell hard because I waslistening to individuals that
were in the dating realm, thatwere only talking about
generalized dating, generalizedrelationships.

(50:24):
They weren't incorporatingpremenstrual dysphoric disorder
in any of their content.
So I was going to listen tothem and doing the things that
they said to do.
And it was horrible.
It was absolutely horrible,because I was like why is it not
working?
Why is this causing me moresuffering?
Why, why, why, why?
Why?
It's because when you havepremenstrual dysphoric disorder,

(50:44):
everything needs to becustomized when it comes to your
relationship, because there areebbs and flows.
We're doing it off of yourcycle, we're doing it off of how
you feel, we're doing it off ofthe symptoms that you're going
to have, and so the advice thatyou're given, the tools that
you're given, need to be inalignment with having
premenstrual dysphoric disorder.
And so this is what I want totell you about the love
languages.
I am not.

(51:05):
I am not saying that the fivelove languages is bad.
I am not saying that you shouldnot listen to the five love
languages in your follicularphase, when you're feeling great
, when you're not havingpremenstrual dysphoric disorder
symptoms.
I'm saying that when you're inyour luteal phase, when you're
having PMDD and maybe some ofyou, when you're in your

(51:25):
ovulation phase, where I talkedto you, when you said that
you're having PMDD symptoms inyour ovulation phase, Whenever
PMDD is in the picture.
This is what you need to knowabout the five love languages A
lot of times, and I'm sayingthis because I've seen it words
of affirmation.
If that's your love language,they feel fake during your

(51:46):
luteal phase.
They feel fake during PMDD.
When your partner is sayingloving things to you during the
luteal phase, you know you asthe individual that's suffering
with PMDD you may not believethem, you're not going to
receive them, you may notbelieve them and you may be
thinking to yourself oh, they'rejust saying that, which means
to your partner that it can turninto.

(52:08):
Oh, so you don't appreciate thewords that I'm saying.
Or it can be very hurtfulbecause it's like no, I
genuinely meant that, why don'tyou believe me?
So it creates a lot of conflictand a lot of emotional distance
between you and your partner.
When your partner says somethingto you where, if you're in your
follicular phase, they saysomething loving, you say
something loving, no big deal.
When you get into your PMDD,they say something loving and

(52:31):
you're like you're verysuspicious about it.
It's like why did they say that?
You don't really feel like thatNumber one.
You don't feel worthy.
You feel like you're in thislesson state.
You're just trying to getsomething out of me.
I've been there before where Ifeel like the words of
affirmation that are givenduring my luteal phase is just
to get something out of me.
I'm like what do you want fromme?
Like you want sex, that's whyyou're saying I look so

(52:52):
beautiful.
Or you want something from methat's why you're coming home
with lemons that I needed fordinner and like flowers, and
like you'll start to feel likethe words that they're saying
are inauthentic and that's atrigger for a lot of individuals
who have PMDD, because you wantto feel like your partner is
genuinely giving you those words, versus you hearing them and

(53:14):
having to question them.
And so the next thing isphysical touch becomes very
overwhelming, you know, forbeing in your luteal phase, your
partner needing to be, you know, up on you.
It can cause a lot ofirritability, a lot of sensory
sensitivity, like you don't wantthem touching you when they go
to like.
I remember this time I wasdealing with like night sweats

(53:37):
and I was laying on my back andmy partner went to go like rub
my back and I had taken off mylike, I was like sleeping and I
was drenched and I put myclothes in the washer and then I
went to lay down and they wentto rub my back and I didn't have
like.
It was like nothing on my backand I was like in sensory
overload and I was like don'ttouch me.
Like it was so bad.
It was like a feeling ofdisgust, like their hands on my

(54:00):
back was like a spider crawlingon my back and they were so
triggered by that.
They felt so rejected, theyfelt so offended because they're
like, if I'm the person thatyou love and adore and that
you're supposed to think is soattractive, how does the way
that I'm touching you like makeyou feel bad?

(54:22):
And I felt so bad.
But that's genuinely how I felt.
It's like and I felt so bad.

(54:43):
But that's genuinely how I feltit's like.
It's like I feel bad in themoment but also, don't touch.
Touch love language.
It was a problem.
It was a problem because it'slike someone who has the love
language of physical touch.
They desire to express that inthat way towards you and they
want it to be received and theywant to feel like they did a
good job and they want you tofeel loved.

(55:03):
And so, for me, I remember onetime I was like in this phase
where I was trying so hard, sohard, to save this relationship
and I would cause.
I was knowing that it was me.
I was like, oh, I'm the problem, it's me.
I'm the problem, it's me likeTaylor Swift.
And I was like I'm just goingto suck it up, like this is when
you're in, this is when you'reholding on by a piece of dental

(55:25):
floss.
I was like I'm just going tosuck it up and get through this
physical touch, um, even thoughI'm not enjoying it.
And then I remember, at the endof it, I was like aren't you
happy?
And they're like no, like I'mmy happiness, because their love
language was physical touch.
My happiness was dependent onyou being happy with my physical

(55:47):
touch.
My happiness was dependent onyou being happy with my physical
touch, and I obviously see thatyou weren't.
So I was like dang, that'scrazy.
Like I felt so defeated because,despite me enduring that
physical interaction, I almostsaid altercation.
I almost said altercationbecause that's what it felt like
.
I was like this is brutal, likecan you imagine not even

(56:11):
wanting someone to touch youwith their shoelace and you
allowing them to just envelopthemselves on you?
And you're like I feel like Iwas suffocating and dying a slow
death.
And I was allowing this becauseI knew that that was their love
language and I literallythought like, oh, this is so
after this, like we're gonna begood?
No, absolutely not.

(56:32):
They were mortified.
They were like that was trash,that was garbage, that was
nothing.
And I was like what?
Like in my mind I'm like, well,why didn't you tell me I would
have stopped, like I would havebeen like, okay, bye.
I noticed how triggered theywere just by me not being

(56:56):
satisfied, because a lot oftimes when they are shown
physical love and they feelloved, they want to give that
back to you and if they're notable to do that, that's a
roadblock for them.
That's a hard stop, that's ahard path.
It's like I'm not, because thenthey feel like a creep, then
they feel like I just gotfinished watching the last
season of you.
Then they feel like a serialkiller who's just able to be

(57:18):
physical, affectionate with youand you not enjoy it and they
find pleasure out of it.
So the next one is acts ofservice.
So a lot of times with acts ofservice, what I've seen with my
private clients is there's thisscorecard I did this, I picked

(57:41):
up little jimmy last week, andyou didn't pick them up.
Or I did this for suzy and youdidn't do this.
I brought the groceries homeand like there's this back and
forth of who did what.
So if one partner gives oraccepts acts of service during
PMDD like they're cleaning orthey're making meals and it's
not reciprocated, a lot of timesyou can get to that point and

(58:02):
I've been there too, where I'veinternally wanted my partner to
do something.
They didn't do it.
So I start doing it and I likeaggressively doing in, like PMDD
rage, and I'm like doing it,and then it's not reciprocated.
It can create bitterness andburnout, like I was literally
burnt out by the end of theevening so they didn't think
anything of it.
Oh my gosh, this is hilarious,because I literally was killing

(58:25):
myself, scrubbing floors andmaking meals and doing all this
and they were sitting on thecouch and watching me move
around like a lunatic, like acertified lunatic, like I was
like on autopilot and I had mything.
I'm doing this, I'm taking outthe trash.
I was basically doing all thethings that I didn't communicate
to my partner that I neededthem to do, and then I was
bitter and resentful becausethey didn't do them, and then I

(58:47):
was burnt out because theydidn't do them, and meanwhile
they were sitting on the couchand then, when I got done, they
were expecting to spend qualitytime with me and be affectionate
and I was like don't look at.
Like I was so mortified thatthey didn't see the problem.
Number one if you have theselove languages, do not make your
partner read in between thelines, like that's one of the

(59:10):
biggest mistakes.
If you don't want, because youcan do it.
Obviously, in PMDD I feel likewe have a different in my luteal
phase.
I have a different amount ofenergy and so, because I have a
different amount of energy, Ifeel like I can do a lot more
than I could normally do.
So, like, let the person, letyour partner, know what it is
that you really want them to do.

(59:30):
Don't kill yourself doingsomething and then blame it on
them later.
If you've never, I would say,have you communicated it to them
?
Because they're like they justwatched me do this, this and
this and I was like did you everask them to do it?
Did you ever ask them to do it?
If you didn't, they're probablylooking at you with like fumes
coming off of you and notwanting to get in your way.

(59:51):
They're probably like you gotit Like I'm, like you're over
there, I'm over here Becauseyou're looking a little
aggressive when you're doingthese acts of service, like I
wouldn't bother you either.
They may be thinking like, oh,maybe it's helping her symptoms,
like maybe she wants to clean,maybe she wants to cook, maybe
she wants to drop the ego, askfor help.

(01:00:14):
But when you get to that pointwith the acts of service, don't
wait till you get burnt out tocommunicate what it is that you
really need.
I will be the first one now tosay, like I will say what's good
, cause what I used to do.
I would say what happened,cause I always have random stuff
happen, like the other day Ihad my car battery die and it

(01:00:35):
was awkward.
Like I got in the car to gosomewhere and it just didn't
start and the tow truck drivercouldn't get into my garage and
you know, my partner was like oh, is there anything I could do?
And I remember being like no, Igot this.
I was initially going to saythat, but I was like, actually,
I could use you to come pick meup because of this system.
Like I cause I knew if I didn'task for that I would have been

(01:00:56):
bitter because they didn't doanything, even though I declined
their, their you know question.
So a lot of times you'redeclining the invitation for
your partner to do things thatare an act of service and then
being bitter and resentfulafterwards.
Do not fall for that trap,because PMDD will come in the
ego and it's like you got this.
You can do this, but you really.
Who are you trying to proveanything to Like?

(01:01:22):
If you're tired, you're tired.
Like who are you trying toprove it to?
And so the next thing isquality time feels like pressure
.
This was me.
So, like I told you, I was in along distance marriage and when
I got into my luteal phase, Iwas so mad at myself because
quality time was so hard for me,because I just wanted to

(01:01:42):
hibernate, I just wanted to bein a hole, I just wanted to be
in solitude, like I genuinelyenjoy my own company all the
time.
And so one of my luteal phaseis like someone like turned it
up, like I do a lot of things.
I'm an extrovert, I do a lot ofoutward things, but I do a lot
of things alone.
Like, if you follow me onInstagram, dr Rose underscore in
love with PMDD.

(01:02:03):
I go to raves alone.
I travel alone.
I just got back from Vegasyesterday and I travel every
single month.
I do a lot of things alone.
I'll meet up with friends, butthen I'll be back alone again,
and so a partner who needsquality time may seem to like
withdraw personally.
It's going to lead to guilttripping and arguments and

(01:02:27):
emotional distance.
If you start taking time foryourself during your luteal
phase and your partner reallywants to spend time with you and
the reason why they're going towant to spend time with you is
because they're going to befeeling that emotional
disconnection.
I do know that when I'm in myluteal phase I have this charged
energy like this energy ofconnectedness.

(01:02:47):
I love to love, I love to beconnected, and I noticed when
I'm in my luteal phase it's likesomeone pulled the plug or my
battery is low or it's likeglitching a little bit or it's
loading Like I know that anyonethat I'm in connection with can
feel that, and so when they tryto spend quality time and I'm
just like, oh no, I'm busy, Ihave to go walk the goldfish or

(01:03:07):
something Like I mentioned,something that's just like an
excuse to not spend time, theymay start guilt tripping me like
oh, I really wanted to spendtime with you.
Or they'll argue with me orthey'll just be distant.
You know I've had it also too,where they're like oh, you're
busy, I'm busy too, and it'slike okay, chicken nugget, like
we can both pretend, but Iactually don't want to spend

(01:03:29):
time Like.
I have to be very honest withmyself and this is how the love
language is really messes me upwhen I'm in my luteal phase,
because it's just like I'm nottrying to emotionally disconnect
with you, like I don't want tobe with you.
I just do not have the energyand I don't have the bandwidth
and I I don't like to fake itLike.
I don't like if how I feel ishow I feel, I'm not trying to

(01:03:51):
like pretend because I done that.
I did that in my lastrelationship so many times.
I spent so much quality timethat I, looking back, I should
have just like.
It never ended well.
Whenever I sacrificed my ownsolitude in my luteal phase to
do the things that made me feelmy best for the other person, it
never ended well.
They were never grateful, itwas never amazing.

(01:04:13):
It was probably like a crap show, almost cursed, and the next
thing is gifts when you're inyour luteal phase, gifts may
feel like meaningless or misread.
So receiving gifts during PMDDmay feel like an attempt to fix
something that you're goingthrough.
So your partner bringssomething home and they're like
I got you flowers.
And it's like oh, so you thinkflowers is going to fix

(01:04:34):
everything that we have going onwrong in our relationship.
And they're like I just boughtyou flowers.
So this can lead to the PMDDsufferer like rejecting it,
rejecting the gesture orinterpreting it as transactional
right.
And they're like oh, you're notdoing this for the real reason
of making me feel loved andmaking me feel connected.

(01:04:56):
You're just trying to getsomething, and I've been there
too.
I'm very big on motives andintentions.
If you're doing something forme, that's in the realm of the
five love languages.
I want to know why you're doingit.
I want to know that it's notfor you to get something out of
it, because if you're doing itjust so you can get something
else and it's transactional,it's trash.
For me, it's garbage.

(01:05:17):
It's like if you're telling meI'm beautiful so you can sleep
with me no, thank you, I knowI'm beautiful.
If you're telling me oh, mygosh, you're so smart, smart,
you're a doctor because you didthis and this and this and I
love the way you help otherpeople and you're just blowing
smoke up my carcass just so youcan get in my carcass like no, I

(01:05:42):
don't fall for that.
It has to be words ofaffirmation for me, has to be
something that is very specificand it's not a realm of being
reciprocated, like I'm notsaying that you're this so that
you can tell me I'm that or sothat you do this for me.
And when I'm in my luteal phase, you kind of get those squinty
eyes Like why are you sayingthat to me?

(01:06:04):
Like, if you're feeling likethere's something lacking, I
will say there's a level ofsuspicion when it comes to the
love languages.
You're like because I've seenit on private sessions so many
times where they're like Dr Rose, because they'll try to like
come on and say all the thingsthat they've done Like I don't
know why she's acting like this.
I did this, this, this, this,this.
And then they're like oh, youonly did this because you wanted

(01:06:25):
this.
Or oh, you only did this justso you can come on here and say
that you did it like for the egopurposes and so, basically,
misalignment of the lovelanguage is using them the wrong
way.
It's going to add to themisunderstanding If you don't
speak the same love languages.
It makes it harder to connectwith your partner during PMDD

(01:06:45):
when you're already notcommunicating well, where you're
not able to say like why you'redoing certain things, and it
can lead to you know we'remaking up stories in our mind
and it's going to lead tofrustration and stress and
emotional distance.
And you know I've been in thatplace where it's like I would
prefer and this is very like.

(01:07:07):
I was on a date not too longago and they were like,
basically, what did you like?
Or what are you looking for,what are your intentions, all
the things?
You know the thing and I hadthe three C's and my three C's
were and wait, wait, wait, wait.
I wrote it down in my notes onmy phone which I put.

(01:07:31):
Everything else it wasconnection, community connection
, chemistry and communication.
Those are like the arch nemesisof they need to all connect
Meaning.
I need to have a physicalconnection with you, emotional

(01:07:51):
connection with you, we need tohave conversation and then we
need to have chemistry, like Ireally thought I could create
chemistry like, because when youfind someone that you feel
connected with and you havereally good conversation, but
the chemistry is not there.
You're like, oh, I can dealwithout the chemistry, no, and

(01:08:15):
then it's harder to findchemistry with someone.
I feel like it's a scientificproject but it's all designed
for the love languages, wherethe chemistry has to deal with
the physical touch.
Right, for me, that's wherethat landed, where it's like I,

(01:08:35):
my body is, like my body is, I'mvery aware, like if I'm around
you and I'm attracted to you,like my body is going to let me
know.
That's the chemistry.
The communication is the wordsof affirmation, like if we're
around each other, like I likebanter, I like openness, I like
vulnerability, I don't like youto be fake, I don't like you to
be guarded.
And then what did I do?

(01:08:57):
Chemistry, that's a physicaltouch.
Communication and, oh,companionship, the other episode
that I did.
Companionship, like doingmutual activities together.
That's the three companionship,chemistry and communication.
The companionship was like Iwant to do activities together.

(01:09:19):
I'm like a very extroverted,like I like to do things.
And then I also like to havetime where I don't do things and
I like to be able to.
It's very important for me tobe able to relax around you Like
that's golden, because it's soeasy to do things with people,
like if I can relax around youand do nothing and still feel
good and feel comfortable andfeel connected, like that's a

(01:09:41):
win-win.
And so what I basically want youto understand about these love
languages and, um, oh, the lovelanguage guilt.
Oof, I wanted to, I added thison as like a little bonus Um,
there's a love language guilt.
So you, as an individual whosuffer with premenstrual

(01:10:03):
dysphoric disorder, may feelguilty for not being able to
give or receive love in the waythat your partner wants.
So you may believe that you'retoo broken for love, which adds
to that shame and emotionaloverload.
I remember every single time myex would say that they were
disappointed in a way, that Idid something that I know that
they valued as a love language,I would feel like crap.

(01:10:23):
And I remember just wishingthat I didn't have those
qualities within me, because Iwanted to meet their needs.
I genuinely wanted to, but Ijust didn't.
And so the next thing isweaponizing love languages
during conflict.
You know like I've had thishappen so many times, where you

(01:10:45):
get in an argument and then allof a sudden, the love languages
are communicated so clearly.
It's like why didn't you justtell me this a year ago or a
month ago?
But it's like, you know, whenyou're in conflict, when you're
fighting with your partner,that's when it all comes out.
And so I need you to reallylisten closely.
Don't get offended, don't get,just listen closely, because
they may say things like younever touch me anymore, or you

(01:11:06):
don't appreciate what it is thatI do Okay, or you don't
appreciate what it is that I doOkay.
So if your partner's yelling atyou and saying you don't touch
me anymore AKA their lovelanguage is physical touch and
you're not giving them physicaltouch, therefore they're not
fulfilled, or you don'tappreciate what I do for you,
that means they've done a lot ofthings in acts of service, and
a lot of things is that they aredoing things intentionally to

(01:11:27):
feel loved by you and they'refeeling resentful and they're
blaming you or shaming you forit, because they're like I'm not
just asking for you to do thesethings, I'm actually willing to
work for it by reaching out totouch you and getting rejected
by doing all these acts ofservice and you not saying
anything about it.
And then you may say toyourself, like I told them thank

(01:11:48):
you, I get you, I told themthank you.
Here's the thing when you areconnected to someone, you can
say something without sayingsomething and it not mean
anything.
What I mean by that is you cansay, oh, thank you for that, but
you're really not feelingconnected Like it's a, it's an

(01:12:08):
energy when you're being genuineand you're really showing
gratitude.
So I would say, with these lovelanguages, if you're not
showing genuine gratitudetowards what it is that your
partner is doing, then they'regonna be bitter and resentful
and they're probably gonna stopdoing them.
So what I really needed to workon was understanding that no one

(01:12:33):
is going to love you exactlythe way that you want.
That's my tool.
When I realized that, I waslike what do you mean?
I thought I just needed to letthem know and if they really
loved me, then they would loveme the way that I needed them to
love me.
But what I recognize is thefact that I need them to love me

(01:12:54):
a specific way meaning.
It's meaning that there's avoid with inside me which I had
to face, which is not easy,especially when you've done
years and years and years ofwork, and then you get into a
relationship and you'rerealizing the reason why I need
words of affirmation so much,and the reason why I'm needing

(01:13:16):
that is because I need externalvalidation.
And the reason why I'm needingexternal validation is I was
never giving external validationin my childhood, and so now
you're getting into deeperwounds that need to be uncovered
and dealt with, that havenothing to do with your partner.
So if you're requiring yourpartner to heal your trauma with

(01:13:39):
a love language because youhave premenstrual dysphoric
disorder, that's wrong.
You need to be able to recognizethis is a bigger thing, because
why is it such a big deal thatyour partner's not doing this
thing?
Ask yourself that question whyis it such a big deal that your
partner is not giving you wordsof affirmation?

(01:14:00):
Why is it such a big deal thatthey're not telling you how
amazing you are?
Why is it such a big deal thatthey're not touching you, that
they're not holding your hand,that they're not showing
affection?
Why is it such a big deal thatthey're not touching you, that
they're not holding your hand,that they're not showing
affection?
Why is it such a big deal thatthey're not giving you gifts?
Maybe they're not doing thingsthoughtful, they're not bringing
things home?
Why is it such a big deal thatthey're not choosing to spend

(01:14:20):
quality time with you, thatthey're choosing to spend time
with their family or friends orother people, but they're not
choosing to spend it with you?
Or why is it such a big dealthat they're not going to the
grocery store and getting thegroceries or they're not helping
you with the kids?
Understand the trigger behindwhy they're not meeting your
needs with this specific lovelanguage, and the work begins

(01:14:43):
with you.
Because when I recognized thereason why I needed this
external validation of words ofaffirmation so much had nothing
to do with my partner, nothingto do with anyone that I was
connected with, but it hadeverything to do with a
childhood wound that I had of alittle girl who was verbally and
physically abused and justwanted to know that she was okay
, that wanted to know that shewas accepted, that wanted to

(01:15:05):
know that she was loved, thatwanted to feel special, and
that's something that happenedway before I ever knew my
partner.
So why am I making them heal mychildhood wounds and pay for
things that was never done tothem, that were done to me, but
I'm coming into thisrelationship with that and so a
lot of times I won't even saylike maybe you should just be

(01:15:27):
single, because a lot of timesthis doesn't come out until you
get into a relationship.
Until you get connected withsomeone, you really won't be
able to do this work because itwon't really come up.
This didn't come up for me whenI was single.
So that's why I loverelationships, I love the
learning journey, I love datingand that's why, you know, after
my breakup I was like you knowwhat?

(01:15:47):
I'm going to heal as much as Ican heal, and then I'm going to
get back out there and reallydiscover what it is that I need
to work on and discover how Ican be the best partner that I
can be.
But I don't want you to missout on the way that your partner
loves you because it's not theway that you want, like it

(01:16:09):
doesn't have to be your way orthe highway it doesn't have to
be.
If you don't do this, then it'strash, because they may be
loving you in the most beautifulway that is so natural for them
, and wouldn't you rather haveauthentic love, affection,
attention, adoration, supportversus?
I'm going to do this becauseyou're forcing me to do this,

(01:16:30):
because if you don't do this,I'm going to make your life a
living hell.
Like, basically, if you don'tgive me words of affirmation, if
you don't text me good morning,then we're going to be arguing,
we're going to be fighting.
If you don't hold my hand, weget out the car.
If you don't put your armaround me, then it's going to be
a problem.
If you don't buy me gifts, ifyou don't buy me flowers, then
it's going to be a problem.
If you don't spend quality timewith me versus spending time

(01:16:52):
with your friends, then it'sgoing to be a problem.
If you don't go pick up thosethings from the grocery store
and watch the kids for me, thenit's going to be a problem.
Would you rather have thatforced interaction with your
partner, especially during yourluteal phase, when you're going
to be very suspicious anyway?
You're going to be verysuspicious anyway.
You're going to be able to pickup on that.
You're going to be like that'sa scam, like I see what you're

(01:17:17):
doing, but would you rather havethat happen than for them to
actually be genuine and startaccepting?
Write down a list, startaccepting like hey, how does my
partner show me love?
What are the things that theynaturally do that I don't have
to nag them to do, because youreally discourage your partner
from loving you.
When you start to demand it,when you demand that they love
you in a way that you requireyourself to be loved, you're

(01:17:39):
really missing out.
You're discouraging thembecause they're going to feel so
pressured, they're going tofeel so overwhelmed, like I need
to do this, I need to get thisright in order to have peace in
my household, so you will missyour partner's love by demanding
it to be your way, like onceyou release the expectation,
which was so hard for me, but Ialso gave myself a little bit of

(01:18:01):
grace and I said okay, I knowwhy it's so hard for me, because
I was so conditioned, I wasprogrammed to believe this is
what love looks like.
So ask yourself that questionand this is what I would do with
all my private clients how haveyou been conditioned to feel
like this is what love lookslike?
What's been your conditioning?
When I and you can do this,when you're journaling, when I

(01:18:22):
feel loved, this happens fromanother person.
They speak to me kindly, theygive me words of affirmation,
like what is the mantra thatgoes with that?
So allowing other expressionsof love?
I remember, even with my ex,like I wasn't really a gift
person but I became like a giftperson because they would be so

(01:18:45):
meaningful.
So I feel like when you're soclosed off to I only accept love
in this way.
My love language is words ofaffirmation and physical sex.
Then when they give you a gift,you're automatically
discrediting it, like you'reautomatically saying, no, this
is not what I do, this is notwhat I do or this is not what I
want.
I don't feel love like that.
Because I did that, I blockedout other people's love and it

(01:19:10):
was just because they didn'tlove me the way I required them
to love me.
What I had to do and I had thesession with my my therapist is
when I'm depleted, everyoneelse's love will be required and

(01:19:30):
demanded.
That's what I got out of it.
I was depleted.
I personally was depleted in acertain way that was requiring
so many words of affirmation, somuch physical touch.
I had to recognize I wasdepleted of physical touch
because I had been in arelationship where I wasn't

(01:19:50):
given that for so long and now Iwas just kind of making up for
it and when I got a taste of itit almost made me want it even
more.
It was like, oh my gosh, I lovethe way this feels.
I want to feel like this everyday, whereas that's too much
pressure to put on someone else.
I had to realize I'm the onethat has the void, I'm the one
that's making up the story aboutwhat it means, and I was

(01:20:11):
depleted in that area.
So I noticed my love languagesbecame the places that I was
depleted.
I was depleted of physicaltouch and I was depleted of
words of affirmation.
And so when I was datingsomeone and they started to show
me a little bit of that, Istarted to siphon it out Like I
was siphoning out their gas.
I'm like, yeah, give me more,give me more, give me more.

(01:20:35):
And that's too much pressure onthe other person because when
you get in that desperate, needyenergy where you're feeling
like, give me more, give me more, and then they kind of back up,
whenever you become desperateand needy with your partner or
anyone that you're dating for acertain love language, they're
going to give you less of thatbecause they're going to feel
the pressure of having to liveup to that.
They're going to be like, well,I can't, you know, tell you
good morning, good night, forthe rest of my life, like
they're going to catastrophizebecause there's too much

(01:20:57):
pressure.
And so what I had to do wasstart to give that same love to
myself.
Good morning to me, good nightto me, checking in with me,
where I didn't require thatexternal validation which was so
huge for me.
Because you get into that modeof like if I'm in a relationship
with someone, then they shoulddo this, and then you start to

(01:21:18):
feel like any way that you pourinto them.
If I showed them physicalaffection, then they should
absolutely do this for me.
You're doing this kind of quidpro quo where it's very
transactional, and so I createda whole guide on the love
languages and premenstrualdysphoric disorder, because I
know that this was a veryin-depth episode.
This is a lot, and I know thatyou probably wanna take notes on

(01:21:41):
this, but I've created a wholeguide.
I'm gonna put the link in theshow notes Again, if you haven't
booked your sessions for May,make sure you go to the link in
the show notes and you book them.
Get on my email list where Igive you my open calendar for
private sessions for this monthand until next time.
We got this.
I love you.

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Episode Transcript

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