Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Today I want to talk
to you about part two of how
PMDD can cause you to lose youridentity.
This podcast episode is goingto be all about the partner that
is suffering with premenstrualdysphoric disorder.
If you haven't listened to lastepisode, go back and listen to
that.
That one has all to do with theactual partner and how being in
(00:24):
a relationship with someone whohas premenstrual dysphoric
disorder can cause you to loseyour identity.
I've gotten so much feedback onthat episode already, and what
I want to let you know is thereason why I'm shedding the
light on this is because I don'twant you to think that you are
alone.
I do not want you to think thatthere's something wrong with
you.
I do not want you to think thatthere's something wrong with
(00:45):
you.
I do not want you to think thatthere's something wrong with
your relationship.
I don't want you to feel likeyou should break up because your
relationship is just the worstright?
So many times when I'm workingwith you privately, I always get
the question of you're tellingme the scenarios that are going
on in your PMDD relationship andyou're basically asking me how
bad is it?
Have you ever heard of anyother couple going through what
(01:08):
we're going through and stillmaking it, still being able to
survive within the relationshipor even be happy or get their
needs met in the relationship?
And the answer is yes, and I'veheard so many things and I've
been through so many thingsbeing in a relationship while
having premenstrual dysphoricdisorder and one of the things
that I really want you to knowis when you start to do the work
(01:32):
and utilize the tools that Igive you on here my PMDD trauma
transformational tools.
One of the biggest things isbecoming self-aware of when you
are in PMDD, when you are inyour luteal phase and you are
acting differently towards yourpartner strategically because
you are in your luteal phase Notthat you just automatically
have an issue with your partnerand you are acting differently
(01:55):
because of that.
It's more so that the lutealphase, the symptoms that you're
having, the cognitive symptomsthat you're having, such as
intrusive thoughts, such asanxiety, such as depression,
such as overthinking, theruminating thoughts when you
start having those things happenwithin your brain, this is when
you're going to start actingdifferently in your PMDD
(02:15):
relationship and I know for meit took a while for me to come
to terms with.
It's not just that I haveissues with my partner at the
time.
It's not just that we're notseeing eye to eye, it's not just
that I have issues with mypartner at the time.
It's not just that we're notseeing eye to eye, it's not just
that my feelings are hurtbecause of something happened.
I am interpreting the thingsthat are happening in the
relationship differently in myluteal phase, because there were
(02:36):
so many times where, when I wasin my follicular phase and
everything was going good, mypartner could act the same way
and it wouldn't trigger me.
It was because I was in myluteal phase, it was because I
was already suffering, that myinterpretation of all of my
partner's actions were different.
And so when you start toutilize the tools that I give
you, it's self-awareness, it'sbecoming self-aware, and I
(02:58):
really had to pull back before Iresponded and I literally had
to say it's me, it's me, like Ialways say the Taylor Swift song
it's me, I'm the problem, it'sme.
And this was not in a way ofshaming myself or blaming myself
or feeling like I'm a horribleperson.
But the first way that PMDD canreally cause you to feel like
(03:19):
your identity has been stolen,like you're a completely
different person, is you startapologizing for who you have
become in your luteal phase.
One of the things about mypersonality is I'm very happy
normally, I'm very upbeat, I'mvery loving, I'm very generous,
I'm very just.
One of the mottos that I have inmy follicular phase that I try
(03:42):
to keep reminding myself of isthe motto that I have for my
life, and that's good vibes only.
What that means is good energyonly.
I only want to give out goodenergy and I would desire to
only receive good energy.
Now, obviously, havingpremenstrual disorder, I don't
always feel good, right?
So the perception or the goalis not to always feel good.
(04:04):
I say good vibes only to remindmyself of who I am at my core.
I know that if I'm not feelinggood but I'm consistently doing
things that lift my vibration ifI'm listening to music that I
love, if I'm going to raves andI'm dancing, if I'm out with
friends, if I'm entertainingfriends coming over, if I'm with
(04:25):
a partner that I'm dating andI'm just in that place of really
feeling good about myself,having the good vibes only, that
just reminds me of who I reallyam PMDD will really start to
lie to you and make you feellike you're a different version
of yourself and so you apologizefor acting the opposite of who
you really are.
So I want you to just take sometime right now and think about
(04:47):
a motto that you can have foryour life that describes your
identity.
I have a client and they're justlike go with the flow.
They pride themselves on beinglaid back, but they know that
when they get into their lutealphase, when they're suffering
with PMDD, they do the oppositeof going with the flow.
They're very hypervigilant,they're very much on high alert,
(05:10):
they do a lot of nagging, theydo a lot of overthinking and
when you start to look at thatversion of yourself, it's not
attractive.
It's not a version of yourselfthat you actually want to be.
For me, it was having thisanxiety and when I would go off
on PMDD range, whenever I wouldyell, I don't even curse.
But I noticed during my lutealphase I don't even curse for fun
.
It's just not something that Ido, and I think it's because I
(05:33):
raised my daughter in the homeand we just don't use curse
words and I'm not sayinganything like shaming anyone
that does it.
It was just something that wedon't do, and so I even noticed
that I started cursing in myluteal phase, in anger obviously
, and when I look back at thatversion of myself, I was so
(05:53):
ashamed and I started to reallyapologize because I would look
back on things that I said, lookback on actions that I did, and
it was such the opposite of whoI am and I lashed out on PMDD
rage and I felt ashamed, and Iabout how I spoke to my partner,
I felt ashamed of even allowingmyself to get to that point of
of going that low, like that waslike if I'm thinking of like
(06:17):
the core of who I am as goodvibes, only there was like bad
vibes within my luteal phase, Iwould consistently start to feel
negative and I always say thefeeling itself isn't the problem
.
Feeling differently in yourluteal phase is not the problem.
It's what you do with thatfeeling, it's how you act as a
result of having that feeling.
That's the part that I wasreally ashamed about.
(06:38):
So I would always say like I'mso sorry again.
And I think when you start toapologize to your partner every
single month, your partner canget a little bit desensitized to
it.
I know mine did.
It was kind of like the apologydidn't mean as much because
they knew that you were probablygoing to do the same thing the
very next month.
So it didn't hit home.
(06:59):
It didn't make them feel seenand heard and validated, because
it's like, yeah, you'reapologizing, but you're probably
going to do this again nextmonth.
And then part of you is probablylike fearing that you're
probably agreeing with yourpartner, I probably am going to
go off next month in PMDD rage.
And then you start sayingthings like why can't I just be
normal?
Why can't I just see asituation for what it is?
(07:20):
Why do I have to overreact?
And this is things that you maybe saying to yourself because
even if you're not admitting itto your partner that you're
feeling differently in PMDD likemaybe you're not there in your
journey yet, like where you canactually just come out and say I
feel differently when I am inmy luteal phase, a lot of times
when you're first finding outthat you have PMDD or you're
really thinking that you alwayshave other things going on in
(07:42):
your relationship, so it's notjust PMDD you get to a point
where you're denying the factthat you actually are different
in your luteal phase.
I know I've been there, I wasdenying it and really saying
that no, I'm not acting this wayjust because of PMDD.
I really have an issue with you.
We really do have an issue withthis, and these are things that
we really need to work on, andyou don't want to feel like
(08:06):
you're the only one.
You don't want to feel likeyour partner's fine and you're
the one that's messed up.
You're the one that's causingissues in the relationship.
You want to feel like it's kindof like a joint effort, like it
feels better to be in arelationship and feel like we
need to work on things, like weboth have something to work on.
It doesn't feel balanced forone person to be the problem and
then the other partner is juststeadily being there trying to
fix you right.
(08:28):
But when you're in your lutealphase, you do lose sense of who
you are.
When apologies start to feellike it's your personality, like
this is just what I do I end upapologizing, overly apologizing
, or maybe you've gotten to thepoint where you stop apologizing
.
You're in that defensive modewhere you're starting to defend
all of your actions, and you'rekind of defending your actions
because it feels better thanjust admitting that you talked
(08:50):
to your partner like a piece ofcrap, that you disrespected them
.
You kind of want to get to apoint where you can justify
going off on your partner onPMDD rage, or you can justify
shutting down, or you canjustify being triggered because
you're kind of like you knowwhat it's because I'm in my
luteal phase, but then also lookat what he did or look at what
she did.
Another way that PMDD reallyimpacts your identity and who
(09:13):
you are is you begin to nottrust your own feelings and
emotions.
You don't trust them because inyour follicular days you're in
love and you're in this placewhere you're planning your
future together, you're planningvacations together.
You're feeling so connected,you're feeling so grateful for
your partner.
And then the next thing, youknow you're in your luteal phase
and you're planning to leavethem and you're kind of feeling
(09:34):
claustrophobic, like I need toget out of here, and so it's
this emotional whiplash, likeone minute you're in love, the
next minute you're packing yourbags and you're planning on
leaving and it's all becauseyour luteal phase has really
impacted your brain.
This is why the bulk of mytools help you rewire your PMDD
brain, because you're soconvincing, when you're in that
place, of wanting to stay.
(09:55):
You're convinced that youshould stay when you're in that
place of wanting to leave,you're convinced that you should
leave and you're in this placeof feeling like you need to do
something about it.
So you're rushing and rushingand rushing and really feeling
like the core of who you are islost, like I don't know if I
really love my partner.
I don't know if I really likemy partner.
I don't even know if we'rereally compatible.
(10:15):
I remember being in that placeof being really confused and
really asking myself do I reallyfeel this way, or is this just
the PMDD talking?
Is this just my PMDD braintalking?
I would have this conversationevery single month because it
felt real in the moment.
But when you start to look atthe pattern, you're like wait a
minute.
I felt like this before.
I felt like leaving before.
I felt like, you know, you canhave it both ways where one
(10:36):
minute where you're saying thatyou're so in love in your
follicular days, you'll start tonot trust that emotion.
You'll say am I just sayingthat I really want to be with my
partner and I really want to bein this relationship and I'm so
in love because I'm so blindedby all of the triggers and I'm
just taking it Like you mightfeel a little bit weak, like I
guess I'm not standing up formyself and I'm just brushing
over things that I really shouldbe standing up to my partner
(10:58):
about.
You know, I've had so manypeople DM me and say I feel like
when I'm in PMDD that's thereal me, that's me who's been
putting up with all of thesethings and I'm tired of it and
I'm finally putting my foot downand saying this is what I don't
like and this is the real metalking.
It's just, I'm not able to holdit in any longer.
So then they don't know if thecore of who they are is the
(11:18):
version of themselves in PMDDwho's going off on their partner
, who's telling, calling theirpartner out, who's triggered by
their partner's actions or isthe core of who you are when
you're in your follicular daysand you're just kind of brushing
everything over and you'rebeing really agreeable and
you're being really loving andyou're feeling really grateful
to even have your partner right.
Because I know for me there wereso many times where I would
(11:41):
actually look at my partner withsuch gratitude in my follicular
phase and I would see all ofthese amazing characteristics
about him and like, oh my gosh,he's so generous, he's so loving
, he's so this, he's so that,like I could list out all of
these things, I would feel solucky to be with this person.
And then I would go into myluteal phase and feel like
completely annoyed and triggeredand feeling like they were a
(12:04):
burden and feeling like theywere something that I had to put
up with and I just really, youknow, couldn't stand certain
mannerisms that they would do somuch, to the point where I
think I started thanking mypartner, like outwardly showing
gratitude, and I remember onetime my partner at the time was
like I'm not doing anythingdifferently, like it was almost
like he took the complimentsthat I was giving him as an
(12:27):
insult, like I've literally beendoing this all month long.
You're just finally in a placewhere you can see my efforts and
what I'm doing and it's kind oflike you know, your partner can
get a little bit resentfulbecause, say, if they're doing
all of these amazing things foryou but you're never showing
gratitude, and then you go intothe follicular phase and you're
like thanks so much, babe, fordoing this, or thank you, babe,
(12:50):
for doing that, and they've beendoing it the whole time, but
it's just the fact that youweren't able to see it because
you were in your luteal phase,which is clouded by negativity.
Whenever you're in your lutealphase, you're hypervigilant,
you're hyper-focused on thenegative parts of your partner
and the positive qualities arejust, they're there because
they're doing them.
You just you don't feelappreciation for them and so you
start to just question your ownemotions and it's hard to know
(13:12):
who you really are and how youreally feel about your partner
when you feel like every singlemonth in your luteal phase, your
emotions get hijacked.
It's like someone else takesover the controls of your brain
and your emotions and yourfeelings and what offends you
and what triggers you, and theykind of mess with the
motherboard.
So you're like, does this thingreally trigger me?
You know like one of my biggestthings was snoring, right, and
(13:35):
I would be like, oh my gosh, mypartner's maliciously snoring
and all of a sudden I would gointo my follicular phase and I
would be sleeping like a babyand it's kind of like I didn't
trust.
I'm like is snoring really atrigger or is this something
that PMDD is just using to causeme to suffer?
Because my partner snored everysingle day and I was like I
(13:55):
don't know if I can trust that.
This is really something thattriggers me.
If it only happens during myluteal phase, why am I able to
sleep soundly in my follicularphase?
So what happens is, over time,your relationship will start to
feel like a war zone.
I remember waking up so oftenlooking at my phone and just
trying to see what damage hadbeen done the day before.
I was so confused on aday-to-day basis I was like are
(14:18):
we fighting?
Are we not fighting?
Are we talking?
Are we not talking?
And it was this up and down andthis push and pull, because
every single month it was likethis cycle of defensiveness and
conflict and fights andarguments and not seeing eye to
eye and one person withdrawingand shutting down and then the
other person saying we shouldjust break up.
Because you start to think toyourself I'm tired of hurting
(14:39):
the person that I love.
I don't even know if I deservethem anymore.
And this is when you start toself-sabotage the relationship
and tell your partner like maybeyou should break up with me.
Like you either tell yourpartner that they should break
up with you or you put them in aposition where you want them to
leave you just to put yourselfout of your misery, like you're
miserable, knowing that it'sgoing to consistently be like
(15:01):
this every single month, day today.
Every single month is going tobe like this, in the luteal
phase that you lose youridentity as being a loving
partner, as someone thatactually wants to be in a
relationship, and you begin tobe like I'm the problem, I'm the
source of pain.
Maybe I should just be single.
Maybe if I just isolate myself,then it will be so much better.
And when you start to get intothat point of isolation, I will
(15:22):
say that it is one of the mostpainful things that you can do,
because when you lose youridentity to PMDD and you isolate
, you feel like you'reprotecting your partner, you
feel like you're protecting thepeople that you love, but you're
pulling away from doing thethings that are a source of
support for you, like you don'thave a loving partner.
(15:42):
That's there.
Because you start to shut down,because you don't trust
yourself around your partner,you don't trust yourself to go
through your symptoms withoutcausing damage, and you
literally say to yourself I feellike I would be safer alone, I
feel like no one deserves to bearound this, so you want to
hibernate, and if your partneris like mine have been in the
past, where hibernation is atrigger for them, when you go to
(16:03):
shut down, it's a triggerbecause you're shutting off your
emotional connection with thatperson and so it might feel
safer to you, but it costs youconnection.
In your PMDD relationship.
It caused your partner feelingconnected to you.
It makes them start to feellike there's something wrong
with them.
It makes them feel like youdon't want to be with them.
It makes them feel like youdon't want to be in the
(16:24):
relationship when, in allhonesty, you're just saying,
basically, I am distancingmyself from you because I don't
trust myself around you and theydon't understand that.
Partners are not going tounderstand that because they
would almost rather be with youin that place of you suffering
than for you to not be connectedto them at all.
You are trying to protect yourpartner and your partner is just
(16:47):
trying to connect with you.
So what you may start doing issomething that I used to do.
I burnt myself out performing,doing acts of service rather
than connecting.
I overcompensated during myluteal phase by doing a lot of
things for my partner when mypartner just really wanted me to
connect with them.
(17:07):
So when I got into myfollicular days I would be extra
cheerful, extra happy.
I would be planning trips,planning vacations, because I
knew this was my good week.
So I almost felt like I neededto make up for how I was in my
luteal phase, and so my partnerwould obviously enjoy that part.
But I think it's so much harderwhen you're being overly nice,
(17:30):
overly loving, overly grateful,overly cheerful right before you
go into PMDD, because you getyour partner on this really big
high and they're feeling soconnected and so loved and
they're like, so hopeful, likewow, maybe we can really make it
like.
This feels really good to me.
And then all of a sudden youwake up in your luteal phase and
you're like pretty much like,get away from me, or I need
space, I need time away or Ineed this.
(17:52):
And so you're going from thisplace of having this deep
connection because you're beingyour most loving self, to
feeling completely disconnected.
It's almost like somebodypulled the plug and there's no
more power in your love and youraffection and your attention
and your validation towards yourpartner and you might feel this
sense of guilt and the sense oflike I need to be extra good on
(18:12):
my good days and because you'resaying to yourself, if I don't
prove that I'm worthy of love,of being in this relationship
when I'm in my good days, thenthey're going to leave me.
When I'm not, this way, likeyou're almost feeling the
pressure of being happy andbeing loving and all of these
things.
I remember faking it.
I remember genuinely fakingbeing loving in my luteal phase
(18:34):
to try to pretend like I wasn'tsuffering, just to see if that
would help my relationship.
I was so tired of beingchastised and blamed for not
being overly loving and beingkind of like disconnected that I
tried to fake it.
You know that phrase fake ituntil you make it.
The problem is and it wasworking for my partner because
(18:56):
he was so happy that I wasacting happy.
But what it did for meinternally is I started to get
bitter and resentful and feltlike, wow, I can't even be
myself.
In order for me to be in thisrelationship, it's almost like I
have to be fake, I have topretend like I'm this version of
myself.
But really, was I pretending?
All I was doing was acting theway I would normally act in my
(19:16):
follicular phase.
But for me it was such astruggle because I didn't
genuinely feel loving.
I genuinely felt like I had anavoidant attachment style, like
I wanted to avoid my partner atall costs, but I didn't want to
be the one to say that becauseit sounded horrible.
So I was in this place ofburning myself out and then
feeling bitter and resentfulbecause I couldn't be myself.
(19:36):
I couldn't just let my guarddown and be super internal or be
super avoidant without it beingyou know, without being told
that I was the problem.
And so what happens is Iabandoned my needs to keep the
peace.
What I needed was space andtime to deal with my
premenstrual dysphoric disordersymptoms on my own, and I
abandoned my need for that bypushing myself in situations
(20:00):
that I really didn't want to bein for the sake of meeting my
partner's needs.
So I didn't even talk about myluteal phase and how I was
suffering or any of my symptoms.
I avoided sharing my pain or myneeds because I didn't want to
burden my partner.
I didn't want to trigger mypartner because I knew as soon
as I started talking about myPMDD symptoms that my partner
was going to get triggered bythat and feel like I was going
(20:23):
to lash out or feel scared orfeel fearful or feel like, oh my
gosh, what's going to happennext?
It's almost like waiting forthe ball to drop, waiting for
something bad to happen.
But then I literally got bitterand resentful again, and
because you start to think toyourself I don't get to have bad
days, my whole life is a badday.
And so I really identified as aperson that was just feeling
(20:47):
guilty consistently forsuffering with premenstrual
dysphoric disorder, and so thenext thing that will happen is
you just start to feel like aburden.
You don't feel like a partner inthe relationship.
You feel like a burden Onceyour partner starts walking on
eggshells.
You notice that they're walkingon eggshells and they're like
treading lightly every singlemonth, like that doesn't feel
(21:09):
good to you to know that you'recausing your partner to be this
lesser version of themselves.
Like you know that theirpersonality is being different
around you because they'refearing a reaction from you.
So they're kind of liketiptoeing around you, walking on
eggshells, and then it doesn'tfeel good because you'll start
to say they deserve better thanthis.
Maybe I should just be alone.
This is when you go back intothat realm of isolation.
(21:31):
It's like you can see yourpartner acting differently and
you also can't do anything tostop it because you can't pull
yourself out of the mood thatyou're in right.
So you begin to see yourself asthe problem to be managed,
instead of the partner to beloved.
Instead of you feelingdeserving of love because you're
(21:52):
giving love just as much asyou're needing it, you're
feeling like, oh my gosh, theyhave to take care of me, or oh,
they have to walk on eggshellsaround me, or oh, they can't be
themselves, like I kind ofruined the vibe in the house.
Or every single month, like theenergy in your home will begin
to honestly feel different.
The energy will start to feeldifferent in your luteal phase,
when you're suffering with PMDDand, you know, maybe even your
children are like tiptoeingaround you and everybody's just
(22:14):
kind of isolating and doingtheir own thing when you're in
your luteal phase.
And then you get into yourfollicular phase and then
everybody's like happy andjoyful and all of these things,
and you just get to the pointwhere you're literally like
gaslighting yourself daily.
You're minimizing your pain oryou're second guessing your
reality.
You don't know what's real orwhat's not.
(22:35):
You're like maybe I am justdramatic.
I remember hearing some of theinsults from my partners in the
past and then I start to believeit, like maybe this isn't real,
maybe I am the problem, maybe Iam, you know this unlovable
person.
Maybe I shouldn't be in arelationship.
You start to question yourtruth.
You start to question yourworth.
You start to believe like maybeI do deserve.
(22:57):
Like if your partner sayshurtful things like, you start
to feel like maybe you know,maybe they should talk to me
like that because I was horribleto them, right?
You start to not have standardsand not have boundaries,
because you get to the pointwhere you start to feel like you
deserve it.
Because you look back, becauseyou're being told about all of
(23:20):
the things that you've said anddone in your luteal phase and
you're like I did say thosethings or I did do those things.
So maybe the way that mypartner is treating me, maybe I
deserve to be treated like that.
So maybe you have a partner thatyou know does verbal or
physical abuse towards youthroughout the relationship and
you don't feel like it'sanything that you need to walk
away from, because you're like,look at everything that they put
(23:40):
up with.
Of course they're going toverbally abuse me.
Of course they're going tophysically abuse me every now
and again because I push theirbuttons.
You start to make an excuse forthe abuse because you're
starting to feel like youdeserve it.
This is when your identity isin someone that deserves abuse.
You start to tolerate it,because you start to think well,
I verbally abused them, Iverbally attacked them, I said
(24:02):
mean things to them, and this iswhen the cycle of abuse really
starts to be normalized withinyour relationship, because you
start to verbally abuse yourpartner by going off on PMDD
rage.
They then get defensive andthey start going off while
you're in your luteal phase, andso it's almost like you can't
call them out on their behaviorbecause you, number one, you
(24:25):
feel like you caused it and,number two, you're feeling like
it's a response to somethingthat you said or did to them.
So how much better are you?
You know, in the relationship,in the realms of abuse, if
you're doing the same thing thatyou're telling them that they
shouldn't be doing to you?
So it really is this pull andpush as to what do I deserve?
Who am I really?
What kind of person am I?
What kind of partner am I?
What kind of relationship do Ideserve.
(24:47):
And the next thing that happensis you get to the point where
you feel like a stranger in yourown life.
And I know this, my ex used tocall it going on autopilot.
Right, you're just doing,you're waking up, you're trying
to manage your symptoms, youwatch yourself go through the
emotions with work, with yourrelationship, with routines,
with detachment.
You're completely detached fromyour reality and you're just
(25:10):
trying not to go off.
You're just doing everythingand there's no excitement in it,
there's no real emotion,there's just this kind of
detachment in this isolation,where you're looking at yourself
and you're like deflated andyou're saying to yourself I miss
who I used to be, I don't evenknow what I want anymore.
I don't know who I want, Idon't know what I want, and so
(25:30):
you're in this constant cycle ofemotional survival.
You're just trying to survivePMDD and it replaces who you
really are with someone that youdon't even recognize, like if
someone was to take a camera andjust even take a picture of you
.
I know for me I used to lookdifferent in my luteal phase.
You can definitely tell mysmile looked different.
My partner used to say my eyeslooked different Every single
(25:54):
time I was in the luteal phaseand I just didn't recognize
myself.
And even looking back becauseyou have those Facebook memories
or Snapchat memories or even Ithink Instagram does it now too,
where it kind of shows you thistime last year, this time two
years ago, this was you.
And sometimes, when I was in myluteal phase, I just look
unrecognizable.
I was just so unhappy, I was sodeflated, I was so numb, I was
(26:18):
in such a realm of sufferingLike you could see it in my eyes
.
I always say, like when youlook at someone's eyes when
they're in their luteal phase,when they haven't really used
the tools and they haven't donethe work, like right now I can
be in my luteal phase and lookthe same all month long, thank
goodness.
But I have to consciously likeuse my tools and work on it.
It's not automatic.
It is definitely not automatic.
(26:40):
My PMDD Partners morning routinethat I've always talked about.
It really helps me to kind ofreset my identity and stay in
the version of me.
That makes me feel my best.
And one of the things thatreally is impacted when I'm in
my luteal phase is notrecognizing your own body,
number one with the bloating andthe cravings and the insomnia
(27:06):
where you're not getting sleepand so you start to look
exhausted and you're bloated andyou're craving things.
And the insomnia where you'renot getting sleep, and so you
start to look exhausted andyou're bloated and you're
craving things and you're eatingthings that you wouldn't
normally eat, and so you don'trecognize your body anymore.
Like there's been so many timeswhere you know cause I do my
PMDD partners morning routineand I do my workouts and it's
not a matter of I can literallylike gain weight even while I'm
(27:27):
doing my PMDD partner's morningroutine, which is so hard for me
, because I'll start to secondguess myself, like I'll gaslight
myself, like maybe I should beworking out more or maybe I
should be doing this withoutreally recognizing that when I'm
in my luteal phase, I'm goingto be bloated certain times.
Number one, because I'm eatingstuff that I wouldn't normally
eat, and then, number two,sometimes you're just bloated.
You can be bloated duringovulation as well.
(27:56):
It's just that.
But when you don't identifywith your body, when your body
starts to ache, I know for methere was times where I would
even get bruises.
I had bruises on my body,literal bruises on my body, and
I'm like where did this comefrom, and then that's when I
recognized it was a symptom ofPMDD.
I'm like, my goodness, it'slike every single time I
recognize that, how much PMDDattacks the body and the mind.
I'm just like that's not fair.
I just literally pride myselfon being healthy and taking care
(28:21):
of my body, and when I go intomy luteal phase, it's like all
of that really goes out thewindow because it's so hard to
manage my cravings.
And All of that really goes outthe window because it's so hard
to manage my cravings.
And sometimes I just allowmyself to give in and I think I
do it like a day.
But this past month, mygoodness, this past month, I
completely gaslit myself when itcame to my body.
Because this is why you have toreally be careful about what
(28:42):
you're listening to,specifically on social media,
because your algorithm willstart to go in the direction of
somewhere where you don't wantto be.
Basically, I went on this nomeat challenge, right, I started
off as like a meatless Monday,and then I started following
something that was like meatlessMonday, and then it gave me all
of these reasons why youshouldn't eat meat.
And so I've gone on thisjourney.
(29:06):
Before I've been vegan, beforeI've been vegetarian, I've been
pescatarian, all these things.
Well, there was nothing reallywrong with anything going on in
my body, but I just decided todo this Meatless Monday.
Then the Meatless Monday turnedinto a whole week of just
eating no meat, and so whathappens is I ate a whole bunch
of carbs, because there's a lotof carbs in a lot of foods that
(29:27):
don't have meat.
I started eating like moreFrench fries and I started
eating a lot of beans and Istarted eating a lot of
vegetables, and I thought it wasa good thing, but these were
vegetables that made you bloated.
I literally gained nine poundsand not just nine pounds, like
spread out in a very shortamount of time.
I mean specifically in my gut.
Like my gut was so messed up, Iwas unrecognizable.
(29:49):
My clothes were fitting tight.
I just felt literally bloated.
And I was bloated not justbecause I was in my luteal phase
, but because I had gone on thisno meat challenge and I started
craving a lot of carbs.
That made me feel inflamed, andI don't know if you know this,
but when you have inflammationin your body, your PMDD symptoms
are so much worse.
Because of that inflammation,my symptoms were horrible and it
(30:13):
really started to not justimpact my body, it started to
impact my mind.
I was like I don't even looklike myself anymore.
My mood started to shift.
I was so, so tired, so fatigued.
What I was putting in my bodywas impacting every aspect of my
life.
I didn't have energy to do halfthe stuff that I knew that I
had to do.
I already had fatigue becauseof PMDD and then I felt even
(30:34):
worse because I didn't haveenergy, because I was eating all
this crap.
I ended up going to the grocerystore buying like all these
different bags of chips, becausewhat happens is when you eat a
lot of carbs, specifically inyour luteal phase, and you kind
of give into those cravings,they're empty calories so they
don't fill you up.
Like there's this phrase aboutthese Lay's potato chips that
(30:55):
happens in the US and they'relike bet you can't eat just one.
And then it's like bag.
I literally went through bagsand bags and bags of potato
chips, specifically cheddar andsour cream potato chips, and I
was eating it with salsa.
I was eating it with like I wasjust, but again I was all like,
well, at least I'm not eatingmeat.
I was eating all of this crapand it made me crave even more
(31:17):
crap.
And, yeah, nine pounds later Ifelt like I didn't even identify
with who I was.
I was like so I was.
So I think it was causing likean alert.
I had some kind of allergicreaction, like my body was just
all out of whack and it allstarted from me being in that
place of being in my lutealphase, giving into this craving,
(31:38):
going on this challenge,because I think a lot of times
when you're not happy with yourmind or your body, you may go
down a rabbit hole of tryingthings.
You know, maybe you trysupplements, maybe you try pills
and all of these things just tofeel like yourself again.
Sometimes the things that youdo when you're in your luteal
phase to try to feel likeyourself again actually make you
feel worse off.
And that's what happened to me,like I literally woke up and I
(32:00):
was like I played myself.
I literally played myself.
I don't feel like myself.
I was so exhausted I didn't wantto do certain things with my,
even my daughter.
I was so exhausted I didn'twant to do certain things with
my, even my daughter.
I was like, oh, we got to dothis.
We got things that I wouldnormally enjoy and be able to do
, even in my luteal phase, Iwasn't able to do, and so it
impacted my brain fog.
(32:21):
I was so confused Like my moodwas up and down, like you know,
what you put in your body reallydoes impact your mind, like I
had no idea that that was goingto happen.
I actually started off doing itfor a good reason.
I thought I was doing the rightthing.
I ended up not getting a lot ofsleep, or I was feeling sleepy
all the time I was drinkingcoffee.
(32:41):
Nothing was working, and so Ifelt like my whole body and my
mind was betraying me because ofthe decisions that I made
during my luteal phase, which.
This is why you have to be socareful about what you introduce
when you're trying to manageyour symptoms, because it can
actually make you feel worse andit takes you a while to get
back on track, like thathappened to me this past month,
(33:01):
and I'm still trying to reducethe inflammation in my body,
like it's.
It's almost like a week and ahalf later and I still am slowly
feeling like myself again, likeI'm supposed to be in my good
days, but I'm still paying forthings that I did in my luteal
phase, which is horrible,because you feel like, oh my
gosh, the next thing I know I'mgoing to be right back in my
(33:22):
luteal phase again.
You, when your biology shifts sodrastically because of what's
going on in your mind and yourbody that your sense of self
just you lose it.
And so the biggest thing that Iwant you to take away from this
episode today is that you canlose your sense of identity
within your PMDD relationship ifyou do not monitor what you are
(33:47):
intaking.
What I mean by that is you needto monitor who you're listening
to.
If you are listeningspecifically on certain
platforms and they're talkingabout being single and breaking
up and what you don't deserve,and you need to stand up for
yourself, and you know all ofthe there's, all of these
bandwagons that you can get onand it starts to make you
confused about who you reallyare and what you really deserve
(34:10):
and who your partner really is.
You'll start to feel sodifferently about yourself that
you'll become a differentversion of yourself, and maybe
that different version of youdoesn't want to be with the
partner that you have.
So now you're questioning thereality of your relationship and
whether you should be with thisperson and whether you're
compatible all because you'relosing your identity in your
PMDD relationship.
(34:30):
And so what I really want youto do if you're feeling in this
place of like yeah, I don't knowwho I am.
Every single month I feelcompletely different I want to
find a way to stay grounded.
You have to have routines inplace that keep you grounded in
who you really are.
This is why I do my PMDDPartners morning routine every
(34:51):
single day.
I don't get to skip a day.
I do it during my ovulation, Ido it during my luteal phase, I
do it during my follicular phase, I do it through my
menstruation phase, and I dothis because it reminds me of
the core of who I am, and notjust doing things in that
morning routine.
I have evening routines as well, and I know it sounds like a
lot of work, but the payoff isthat you're consistently staying
(35:14):
grounded in who you are assomeone that you're proud of,
someone that you don't have tofeel ashamed of, and you get rid
of that guilt right.
But what happens is, when youjust let PMDD take the wheel in
your relationship, you're goingto become a version of yourself
that you don't like, and Iremember what that looks like.
I remember what that feels likeof being like.
I don't like this version ofmyself.
(35:35):
When I decided that I didn'tlike the version of myself that
went off on PMDD Rage, I wentthrough a lot of the tools that
I teach you in my program how tostop going off on your partner
every month in PMDD.
I developed that programbecause I had to use those tools
to not be that version ofmyself.
So I really wanted you to writedown and say what are the
things, what are thecharacteristics that you do not
(35:56):
want to have as part of youridentity in your PMDD
relationship.
And you start working towardsthat.
And if that's something that youknow that you need help with,
go to inlovewithpmddcom, getthose counseling sessions with
me so I can help you rewire yourbrain in your luteal phase and
all of the other phases of yourcycle and then also help you
develop a routine, whether it'smorning, whether it's afternoon,
(36:18):
evening yours doesn't have tobe mornings.
By the way, mine is somethingthat I know.
My PMDD symptoms are worse inthe morning, like I wake up and
I'm immediately feeling negative.
So I need to rewire my PMDDbrain immediately before I
interact with someone.
That's why I do mine in themorning, but you can have, you
know, an influx of PMDD symptomsin the evening or you know
different times in your day, andit's just a matter of going on
(36:40):
that journey of really justunderstanding what is the
version of you that you want tobe and what is the version that
you don't want to be, and stopletting PMDD steal your identity
and feeling like you.
There's nothing that you can doabout it.
There are things that you cando about it.
Go to the link in the shownotes if you need a session.
Until next time, we got this, Ilove you.