January 4, 2024 • 35 mins
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The very fabric of a relationship can be tested by the invisible threads of PMDD, and I've lived to tell the tale. Through an up-close perspective on the unraveled seams of my own love story, this episode walks you through the silent sirens and tipping points of a partnership wrestling with the complexities of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. It's a candid chapter from my life, including insights from Breakup Proof Academy, that spotlights the stark reality of communication gaps, the isolation when needs are unheard, and the dire necessity of empathy to keep love's ship afloat.
Amidst the turbulence of a PMDD-impacted romance, the echoes of unspoken words often resonate the loudest. Sharing tales from my journey and voices from clients, we uncover how the avoidance of conflict and the fear of tough dialogue can erode the strongest of bonds. This episode peels back the layers on how PMDD magnifies underlying issues, disrupts attachment styles, and the importance of courageous authenticity for preserving the warmth and genuineness that nourishes a relationship's soul. Put simply, it's a frank reflection on the dangers of donning rose-colored glasses at the expense of a relationship's true depth and connection.
Concluding with a ray of hope, I invite you to Rise with Dr. Roll at our couples retreat—tailored for those navigating the stormy seas of PMDD together. This episode is not just a recount of my personal skirmishes with a partner's minimization of my feelings but also an avenue to healing. We delve into the essence of making your relationship a priority, employing intentional tools for mending the emotional rifts. So, if you're ready to rediscover the essence of your partnership and sail into calmer waters, join us for an experience designed to empower, support, and rekindle the flame dimmed by PMDD. đŸŒŸ
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Today we are going to be talking about what broke us,
what broke my PMDD relationship, what were the last straws,
what were the warning signs,what were the things that really
just did not allow me and myex-PMDD partners to stay in the
relationship?
(00:21):
And I've gotten so manyquestions.
If you follow my journey onInstagram, where I'm literally
blogging every single day, or ifyou're in the Breakup Proof
Academy, you have some of theintricate details about what
happened with me and my PMDDpartner, but I want to give you
some signs and some additionalfacts about what really happened
(00:42):
, what was going on behind thescenes, because a lot of times
when I was going through thisprocess remember I was always
thinking that this was going tobe like a testimony, this was
going to be okay.
We're just going through thisright now and then later on I'm
going to say how we dugourselves out of it, and if you
even listened to previousepisodes, you'll be able to see
(01:04):
where there was an episode I didhere on the podcast that said
that one almost broke us.
So there was always thesewarning signs that was happening
and I was just feeling like Ihave the tools to get us out of
this place.
But I know for sure we need toimplement certain things and,
like I always say, it's reallyreally hard being a doctor and
(01:26):
being able to have the tools toknow what it is that we need to
do to really see the signs, seethe red flags.
And what was happening is a lotof times I was wanting to
address a lot of the issues andthat's the first thing that
happened.
It was the lack ofacknowledgement of our issues
(01:50):
and I was saying this is aproblem.
This is the first thing thatstarted to break down with me
and my ex-PMDD partner was thecommunication.
There were certain things thatI always had in place as far as
our sessions that we had everysingle week and, like I told you
, I have sessions, had sessionswith my PMDD partner every
single week to address anyissues that started to come up.
(02:13):
And I've seen this happen somany times with private clients
where they're coming to me on aweekly basis.
We're addressing all of theissues and then all of a sudden
they get to kind of a good placeand they're kind of like, oh,
we don't need to do the sessionsanymore, dr Rose, we're good,
and they stop having sessions.
And I always say at least haveone session a month, because
when PMDD is involved, there arethings that come up and you
(02:37):
don't want it to spiral.
You don't want it to be builtup.
Resentment built up, thingsbuilt up, neglect built up
verbal abuse and all thosethings.
You don't want things to buildup because when PMDD comes, it
rips the blanket and itintensifies all of the issues
that you already have and itmagnifies it in a way where you
feel like you need to dosomething about it.
(02:59):
And so I was trying to say wereally need to keep continue
having these sessions that we'rehaving.
And so my ex-Premier Departmentwas like no, I don't have time
for that.
I have all of this just withwork.
I have all of these things.
And there was that period oftime where it was about two
months where he had to go on awork trip and we weren't
speaking, we weren'tcommunicating.
(03:20):
But the issue is that prior tothat, we weren't speaking and we
weren't communicating in thelevel of what's really going on
in our PMDD relationship, notjust logistics.
You ever I don't know if you'veever been that way with your
PMD partner, where you're justtalking about day-to-day things,
you're talking about the kids,you're talking about the
finances, you're talking aboutwhat you're going to do, but
(03:40):
you're not really connecting.
You're not really talking aboutanything that's really
bothering you.
You may be putting stuff on theback burner that's really
hurtful to you.
Maybe they said somethingthat's really hurtful.
I've seen this happen so manytimes with private sessions,
where things are coming out andthe other PMDD partner isn't
even aware that that hurt you.
(04:01):
They're not aware that they'reconsistently doing damage, and
that's why the sessions are soimportant because you get to a
place where everything isaddressed, everything is
acknowledged.
The acknowledgement of issuesis even therapeutic.
To just have me saying thatthere's something going on in
(04:21):
the relationship and youacknowledge that that is an
issue, you're validating thatthis is an issue, even if you
don't feel the same way, knowingthat your partner is saying,
wow, okay, I can see how that'shard for you, or I can see how
you took that this way, justletting them know that they
understand you.
(04:41):
There's so many times where inyour PMD relationship you could
be walking, or even if you'reliving together, you're walking
around and your partner is noteven knowing what's going on
with you and I think that's theloneliest place to be, is where
you're in a relationship, you'rephysically with the person, but
you still feel lonely.
That's what started to happen,where I felt like my PMDD
(05:06):
partner doesn't get me, hedoesn't understand what's going
on with me, he doesn'tunderstand my feelings, he
doesn't care about my feelings.
When you go into PMDD, theseare the intrusive thoughts that
you're going to get and that Istarted to get.
We are not connected and whenyou get to that point where the
communication is gone, where youcan't even just bring up
(05:27):
something, where you're walkingon eggshells, then that's when
it's a dangerous time thatyou're starting to get on the
brink of a breakup.
Because when you start ignoringor downplaying the things that
are going on with your PMDDpartner, a lot of times it's the
lack of empathy that makes youfeel like the all or nothing
(05:50):
thing.
I can't be in a relationshipwith someone that never
acknowledges my feelings ormakes me defend them or really
just doesn't feel me.
There used to be times earlierin our journey where I could
have a certain facial expressionand my ex-PMD partner would be
able to know that there wassomething wrong with me and be
(06:11):
like babe, what's going on?
Are you okay?
Or even a different tone in myvoice.
But when you start to have thatbreakdown in communication,
that intimacy, it goes away.
So it really impacted howintimate we were, how close we
were.
It's different with yourpartner.
(06:31):
Your partner is supposed to bethe person that really, really
knows you, not just what you seeon the outside.
That's the beauty in having anintimate relationship is that
your partner knows you insideand out.
But when you break down thatcommunication and you're not
expressed into your PMDD partnerthis is how I'm really feeling
(06:52):
and they're actually receivingit Then that's when I feel like
a lot of the damage is done.
So that's one of the thingsthat broke us is that I'm a very
vocal person and I don't knowif that's from my training of
being a doctor or it's just mypersonality, because I've pretty
much always been that way,specifically in relationships.
I don't make you guess anything.
(07:12):
If there's ever at the start ofa red flag, if there's ever
anything going on, I'm alwaysgoing to pull you to the side
with love and say like hey, babe, this is what I'm feeling.
I feel like we really need towork on this, or I feel like we
really have an issue with thisand I think that we need to just
sit down and make a plan anduse the tools to get past this,
(07:35):
and when I was doing that, a lotof times what I was getting was
backlash.
I don't have time for you.
I don't have time for this.
I have a lot of stuff going onin my life.
Remember when I told you myex-PMD partner had a lot of
health scares?
He had a lot of things thatwere unsure with his career, and
(07:57):
in my mind I was always in theplace of if everything else is
going wrong in your life and youreally don't have any control
over it meaning at this time youreally don't have as much
control over the changes thatare happening in your career
because other people arecontrolling it.
You don't have any control overwhat's going on in your body
(08:17):
because you're going to thedoctors and they're consistently
telling you that there'sdifferent things going on then
why not control the controllable?
And this is what I always tellmy private clients is control
what you can control and let therest go.
So what I felt we could controlwere the issues that were going
on in our relationship.
I'm like this is the perfecttime.
(08:37):
You don't have a lot of work todo.
You have a lot of downtime,you're going through a lot, so
let's put our focus on somethingthat we can actually control
and that we can implement.
That's going to make thingsbetter, because going through
that two months it was supposedto be two months, it ended up
being only one month apart therewere so many, there were so
(08:57):
much buildups.
Specifically, when I went intoPMDD, there was a lot of anxiety
and overthinking about theissues that we have and I really
just felt like we could havebeen in a place to address a lot
of those issues.
And I know that it was also notjust issues on my part.
It was issues that he had withme and I think what it was is
(09:18):
that I had a PMDD partner thatavoided conflict.
So when I was saying, let'scommunicate, let's talk about
the issues, my PMDD partneroriginally thought every single
time we were going to talk aboutissues, we were going to argue
and fight.
So there was a lot of traumathere and I've seen this a lot
with private clients, whereyou're assuming that every
(09:40):
conversation that you have aboutan issue in the relationship is
going to turn into an uglyfight.
It's going to be damaging andyou almost may get to a point
where you feel like you can'thandle that.
You're like I can't handleeverything that's going on in my
life and handle the issues thatare going on in our
relationship.
This is the conversations thatmy PMDD partner was having,
(10:02):
where he was just wanting tohave loving conversations about
our relationship.
He just wanted this to be theone thing that he didn't have to
deal with.
And, because I'm so transparent, I want the loving
conversations and the lovingactions to be authentic.
It's nothing like going aroundpretending, walking around
(10:25):
pretending that you don't haveissues when you really have
issues, and sometimesindividuals get into that point,
in that place in theirrelationship when they're
pretending they're not reallybeing authentic with the fact
that they're not happy.
They would rather live into afantasy land of saying, like
we're great and your version ofyou being great.
Meaning that is that you'reavoiding the conflict, you're
(10:46):
avoiding a fight, and you maythink that that's like a good
thing, but a lot of times you'reonly avoiding the conflict,
you're only avoiding the issuesbecause you're not addressing
them, you're not acknowledgingthem.
They're still there and whathappens is when your partner
goes into PMDD or when you gointo PMDD, they come out.
Pmdd does not allow you to keepany issues that you have in
(11:09):
your PMDD relationship undercover, under wraps, hiding them,
ignoring them.
It comes out.
And it comes out in a way thatit's like you need to do
something about it right now.
And so every single time I wasgoing into PMDD over the month
and I was like we have tocommunicate, we have to talk
about these things, and therewas this avoidance and it was
(11:29):
very, you know, weird becauseI'm the one that was used to
having the avoidant attachmentstyle when PMDD came.
But it turned out that myex-PMDD partner was having an
avoidance, but it was anavoidant not an avoidance to me,
but an avoidance to talkingabout the issues.
And it was almost like the moreI wanted to talk about the
(11:49):
issues, the less he wanted totalk to me.
And that's where the breakdownand communication came, because
every single time we talked heassumed okay, we're going to
talk about the issues, I don'treally want to talk about the
issues, I don't have thecapacity to talk about the
issues right now.
So I'm just going to limitcommunication.
At one point towards the end ofour relationship, it was the
(12:10):
only communication we werehaving were text messages on the
day-to-day basis and it wasgood morning, good night, how's
your day.
And it was very robotic and forme there was no depth to it,
there was no intimacy to it,there was no genuine
connectedness where you honestlywant to know what's going on
with me.
Today.
It was almost like I felt likeI couldn't say what was really
(12:32):
going on because if I did, itwas too heavy, it was too much.
So I became too much, so Istarted to water down a lot of
the communication that I had.
I was like, oh, good morning,good morning babe, good morning
love.
Oh, my day's going great.
And then, and then good night,you know, good night, I love you
.
And of course there was I loveyou throughout the day, but that
was it.
So our relationship could notsustain that limited amount of
(12:56):
communication, that limitedamount of intimacy.
It just it's not enough tosustain a relationship.
Because I knew that there werea lot of things going on with
him that he wasn't communicatingwith me.
He knew that there were a lotof things that were going on
with me, but he felt like hedidn't have the capacity to
handle them, and I think theexpectation was I just put a
pause on all of the issues thatwe have in the relationship and
(13:19):
I just you know his level ofsupport.
That he was saying that heneeded was for me to just ignore
the issues with him, to be inthat place of not addressing
anything that was going on,almost muting my symptoms, like
muting my symptoms ofoverthinking and anxiety and
everything I was going on withPMDD, by pretending that none of
it was real.
(13:40):
And what I call that is I callthat you're trying to live in an
altered reality within yourPMDD relationship.
But I don't know if you've everbeen in that place where you
know that you and your PMDDpartner are not intimate, you're
not close, you're not connected.
You maybe talk to a best friendor you talk to somebody else
more than you talk to your PMDDpartner, and that's the wrong
(14:00):
answer.
Your PMDD partner should alwaysknow what's going on with you
at all times good, bad orindifferent.
And what I was beginning tosense was that I could only talk
about the good stuff and aslong as I was talking about the
good stuff, as long as I wastalking about how much I loved
him and adored him and and lovedour relationship and all of
those things.
(14:21):
Then the communication flowed,but soon as I said, hey babe,
let's talk about this, let'stalk about this, you know there
began to be a lack of intimacy.
It really impacted how we werein person.
You know the affection, andbeing long distance already and
not having physical contact withmy PMDD partner was hard enough
(14:45):
within itself, right?
So what I want you tounderstand is that, due to our
careers me and my PMDD partnerthat I had we're separated for
five years.
So I do not want you to thinkthat this is something that
either one of us took lightly,right.
It isn't something that we werelike, oh, we couldn't survive,
you know this, this one month,like we have issues for one
(15:07):
month and then it's fine.
We were separated for fiveyears and it was way longer than
either one of us anticipated.
And I'll go into that a littlebit later on.
Where I'm, where I'm reallyaddressing the distance part,
the long distance part.
But what I want you to know isthat there was already physical
distance and then, as the issueswere not addressed, there was
(15:30):
an emotional distance.
There was, you know, pmddrelated issues were not
acknowledged, issues that he hadwith his work stress he didn't
want to talk about.
You know, the emotionaldistance starts to happen when
you start holding things backfrom your PMDD partner, where
you start creating that alteredreality, right?
So what happens is you start todeal with a lot of the emotions
(15:53):
that you have on your own, andthat's what was happening for me
.
There were so many days, nights,afternoons, that I felt so
lonely with what I was goingthrough, with all of the
emotions that I was goingthrough, specifically when I was
in PMDD.
I mean I would be in the shower, crying, literally crying,
(16:16):
because I felt alone, I feltmisunderstood, I felt not
understood.
You know, I felt like everyemotion that I had, I was
dealing with it on my own and itwas becoming so heavy for me.
So I remember, you know, havinga conversation out of
desperation.
You know, really feeling myPMDD partner slip away, feeling
(16:38):
your PMDD partner slip away isone of the most painful things.
I'm going to try not to cryeven talking about this, but
feeling your PMDD partner slipaway is one of the most painful
things that I have everexperienced, because I could see
, I could feel what it used tofeel like to be close, what it
(17:00):
used to feel like to be, youknow, heard and understood and
to be intimate.
And I looked at how we were inthe moment and it was gone, I
mean completely gone, and Iremember times where I would
feel like it's slipping away,like it's, you know, I could
save it, I could save it, and soa lot of times I was doing a
lot of forcing, a lot of forcing.
(17:21):
I'm forcing the conversation.
You know I'm not an advocate offorcing anyone to do anything,
specifically your PMDD partner.
You can't force them, right?
That's the next thing I wantyou to realize.
You cannot force your PMDDpartner to use the tools that
you have.
They have to see the value init, they have to see the value
(17:43):
in you.
And it hurts me so much becauseI've had so many private
sessions with clients where I'mtalking to one of them and they
are so willing, they are so open, they are so ready to say you
know what, dr Rose, we havethese issues and I'm ready to
work on them.
And it really hurts me when Isee the effort of one partner
(18:06):
and then there's the otherpartner that you're just not
there.
They're not there, they're notwilling to be there.
And I see it and I notice itand I know the signs of them not
being there and I just, youknow, it's like I'm like, oh my
gosh, like I'll suggest things.
I'm like, okay, so you know,there's always actionable tools
that I have in every privatesession.
(18:27):
I'm like, okay, for this week,this is what I want you to do.
And then I'll hear from one ofthe you know, the PMDD partners
that's really ready and willingand they're like Dr Rose,
they're not doing it, they'renot doing the work, they're not
using the tools.
And it hurts me so much becauseI'm like it's almost like you
(18:48):
feel like you can overcompensatefor your partner's lack of
action.
You feel like if I take moreaction, if I use the tools
double, then maybe it'll make upfor my PMDD partner not using
them at all.
And unfortunately, that's nottrue.
Both of you have to be willingand that was the breakdown.
(19:09):
That was a breakdown with us.
We weren't both willing At onepoint.
We were at one point.
We were having the sessions andwe were implementing the tools
and we were feeling, you know,connected.
Because what happens is whenyou're both working on your PMDD
relationship, you feel close,you feel connected, you feel
empowered, you feel like we gotthis.
But when you start to not usethe tools, you don't go to the
(19:31):
sessions, you're not doinganything actively to address any
of the issues in yourrelationship.
When an issue comes up, youfeel helpless, you feel hopeless
, you feel like there's nothingthat you can do, nothing's gonna
work.
It's always gonna be this way.
We're never gonna see eye toeye because guess what, you're
not getting your needs met andyour PMDD partner are not
getting their needs met, andthat's a very, that's a very
(19:54):
helpless place to be right.
And that's the next thing thatstarted to happen.
You know, my PMDD partnerwasn't getting his needs met.
I wasn't getting my needs metand what my needs were was I
needed that emotionalconnectedness and what my PMDD
partner needed was physicalintimacy.
He needed to feel like I wasphysically showing affection, I
(20:14):
was physically there for him.
So what happened is because ofthe breakdown in communication.
When we did have our visits, itbecame like borderline awkward,
you know, like we used to beable to spend months apart.
You know weeks, months, daysapart, and then when we see each
other, we're back connected andeverything's great when you
break down the communication andthat emotion and all of that
intimacy when you see each other, the affection's not even there
(20:36):
.
You're not kissing, you're nothugging, you're not holding
hands, and just the physicalityof that seeing that breakdown is
so hurtful.
It is so hurtful because youstart comparing why can't it be
like it was before?
My PMDD partner used to do thatall the time send me things, you
used to do this and you used todo that.
(20:57):
So if you've been in that placein your relationship where
you're kind of saying, oh, youused to do this and you almost
try to force the other person todo what it is that they used to
do, and I said to my PMDD,there's a reason why, there is
an actual reason why thesethings aren't happening anymore
and you're not willing toaddress the reason, but you want
the result.
I'm gonna repeat that you'renot willing to address the
(21:22):
reason, aka the issues, but youwant the result.
You get the result of beingemotionally connected and
intimate with your PMDD partnerby doing the work, using the
tools, staying connected.
It is not always automatic.
I wish that I could tell youthat everything's just gonna
flow together and it's alwaysgonna be that everything just
works out without you doinganything intentional.
(21:44):
It doesn't work like that,specifically when you have PMDD,
when you have anxiety andyou're overthinking and you have
these intrusive thoughts, youhave to address all those
intrusive thoughts.
But I remember that point.
One of the breaking points waswhen my PMDD partner says you're
so sensitive.
Like, you're so sensitive, theywere minimizing my emotions as
(22:06):
a result of them not gettingtheir needs met.
And when you're not emotionallyconnected, it's easier for you
to say hurtful things, andthat's what also started to
happen.
So if you're in that place withyour PMDD partner and you're
like I can't believe they'retalking to me like this, they
never would have been able totalk to me like this before.
Like I remember saying that Iwas like how can my PMDD partner
(22:27):
be cussing me out?
Like how can my PMDD partner betalking to me so harsh and not
really have any empathy andalmost treating me?
Like my emotions are my problem, like I was not with them, like
I had an issue.
And towards the end, that's whatmy PMDD partner said you're the
one that has the issue in therelationship.
We don't.
Well, I don't have any issueswith you.
(22:48):
Like this is the level ofavoidance that he was on was I
don't have any issues.
You're the one that's creatingthe issues.
You have the issues and if youwould just get over the issues
on your own, then we would bebetter.
And I was like, no, like it'snot.
You know, you start to get,especially in PMDD.
You start to be like, am Igoing crazy?
Like, am I losing it?
I remember there were so manytimes where I literally thought
(23:10):
I was cuckoo for Coco Puffs.
I was like I feel like I'mlosing my literal mind.
I know that there's actualissues that we need to address.
I know that we actually haveproblems, but I have a partner
that's literally telling me I'mthe problem.
They have no issues with me.
I know they have an issue withme, like.
I know they don't feel close.
I know they're not gettingtheir needs met.
I know that they're notconnected.
(23:31):
But that avoidance was what hewas using as a way of, you know,
neglecting the actual issuesthat we had.
And it doesn't get you.
You can ignore the issues allday long.
It doesn't get you theconnection that you want.
It doesn't get you theconnection that you want.
And the last thing that I wouldsay that really broke us was
just not prioritizing our PMDDrelationship.
(23:54):
That was very evident to me,and it was almost the most
hurtful thing, was to see aperson put so much effort your
partner put so much effort in somany other areas in their life
that wasn't even giving them thesatisfaction that they were
claiming that they needed.
You know, my PMDD partner wasputting so much effort into work
(24:18):
I gotta finish work, I gotta dothis for work and work was not
even giving him the satisfactionthat he wanted he was putting
so much effort into.
I wanna spend time with myfamily, my parents.
I wanna spend time with them.
I wanna spend time with mydaughter.
I wanna spend time like all ofthese things.
And I was like but what about me?
What about us?
Like I'm helping you with allof these other things, I'm
(24:41):
helping you with your health,I'm being there for you, I'm
supporting you when it comes toyour work, but you're not
prioritizing our bond, ourrelationship, and I started to
think we're breaking.
I'm literally telling you thatwe're breaking and you're saying
you don't have the energy toput into restoring our
(25:03):
relationship, because I've seenso many PMDD relationships be
restored by using the tools andthat's exactly why I'm having my
first, first, first ever.
I was like I'm so excited to dothis specifically for the stage
of life that I'm in right nowand just realizing the
(25:24):
importance of reconnecting withyour PMDD partner and addressing
the issues that you have andthen moving forward in a way
where you're just utilizing thetools on a day-to-day, weekly
basis and it's not so hard, it'snot so overwhelming, because
you've gotten to the root ofyour issues and you have tools
that are actually going to helpyour PMDD relationship and
(25:46):
that's why I'm having the risewith Dr Roll's couples retreat.
So I'm doing this on an annualbasis.
And I was so excited to do thisbecause I've always gotten
requests to do in-personsessions.
I've always gotten no I hearthis from all my private clients
Like if you work with me for awhile, or even if you we talk on
(26:07):
Instagram all the time andyou're in my DMs or we email,
however it is that you contactme.
I've always heard that I wishedthat we could meet in person.
I wish that we could have thesesessions in person.
I wish that I could just spendsome time with you in person and
really just learn more abouthow I can make me and my PMDD
partner better, how we can getmore connected, and that's
(26:28):
exactly what we're going to bedoing with the rise of Dr Roll's
couples retreat.
It's going to get you unstuck inyour PMDD relationship.
It's going to be that thingwhere you're putting forth that
intentional effort, you're notignoring anything, you're
showing up, you're saying thatyou're ready so that you can get
out of just being in the sameplace.
That was what was so hurtfuland damaging, because I'm like
(26:50):
we're going through these daysand these weeks and it's looking
the same.
The issues are looking the same, the fights are looking the
same, we're arguing about thesame things and we're arguing
all the time.
And so during this retreat it'sgoing to be a three day retreat
.
The first one it's going to beMarch 1st through the 3rd.
Ok, so you have a little bit oftime, but I'm only going to be
(27:10):
able to take a limited amount ofcouples because we're all going
to be staying together andthere's going to be so much
involved on this retreat.
I'm going to really pour intoyou for three days, you and your
PMDD partner, really gettingyou to that place.
You're going to leave feelingconnected.
You're going to leave feelingunderstood.
(27:30):
You're going to leave feelinglighter.
You're going to leave feelinglike you finally got that peace
in your relationship, because Iknow that was what I kept asking
for.
I just need peace.
I just need peace.
I just need peace, and I'mgoing to be creating an
atmosphere for you to do that.
There's going to be privatesessions that you're going to
have in person with me.
There's going to be grouptraining sessions that we're
(27:52):
going to have all together.
You're going to be able to meetother PMDD partners that are
going through the same thing.
So I always think it's like theloneliest thing ever that you
can't really talk to otherpeople and they really
understand what you're goingthrough in your PMDD
relationship.
I am going to have you.
So here's the thing Trauma isstored in the body.
(28:13):
If you've ever read that book,the Body Keeps the Score, it's
talking about how trauma isstored in the body and a lot of
what we talk about with PMDD.
It's traumatic, which is why myPMDD partner probably didn't
want to talk about a lot of theheavy stuff that was going on.
It can be stressful.
(28:34):
It can actually be stressful,and when you're going and you're
doing this work, it's not easy.
And so what I'm going to beproviding for you during this
retreat is not just that you'regoing through because I know,
not just that you're goingthrough some heavy stuff, right,
like who's going to come andtravel and just say I'm going to
(28:55):
go through a whole bunch ofheavy stuff and then leave
feeling depleted, feeling likeI'm not restored, all of these
things.
I'm going to leave you feelingrestored because I'm going to be
giving you massage.
I'm not physically, let mepreface I'm not giving you
massages.
I'm bringing in a massagetherapist that I have worked
with for so long.
(29:15):
I know this person inside andout.
She is my bestie, she's my bestfriend.
She's a licensed massagetherapist who specifically deals
with the bodywork of gettingthe trauma out, and they will be
there to provide you with acomplimentary massage for you
and your PMDD partner.
This can be so restorativeAfter you.
(29:40):
The way it's going to work isyou're going to have private
sessions with me and then, afteryou have the private sessions,
you will have the opportunity toget your customized massages
for whatever you've been holdingon in your body.
Right, it's not going to be.
This is all customized.
The private sessions with meare customized to what is
specifically going on in yourPMDD relationship.
(30:00):
We're going to get to the rootof that, and then the same thing
is going to happen when youhave your massage right.
Some of you need to relax, someof you need to release the
trauma, and your partner isgoing to be there to do it with
you.
I know one of the things thatwas happening with me over the
months was I was doing a lot ofwork on myself as the breakup
was happening.
I was doing a lot of work onwhat it is that I was going
(30:21):
through, processing things, andit became that I was doing it
like it was everything that waskind of one-sided, where I felt
like I'm on this journey ofreally learning more about how
our PMDD relationship can bebetter, how I can be better, how
I can acknowledge my triggers.
But all of these things and myPMDD partner wasn't on that
journey with me.
By having your PMDD partnerwith you on this retreat, it's
(30:43):
going to bring you closer.
It is going to ignite thatintimacy that bring that fire
back that you used to have.
No one would agree to be in arelationship with anyone,
specifically with PMDD, if youdidn't have some kind of
physicality, some kind ofintimacy, some kind of emotional
intimacy.
There was something thatbrought you all together and we
need to get back to that.
And so this retreat, it's goingto be amazing.
(31:05):
We're going to be in the housetogether, we're going to get up,
we're going to have breakfast.
It's going to be in a beautifularea.
It is in Orlando, florida.
I used to live in Miami and Ialways think about that Will
Smith song Welcome to Miami.
In Benito, I'm Miami, I loveFlorida.
It is the Sunshine State and Ilove living there, and I think a
(31:28):
lot of our PMDD relationshipsneed that sunshine.
You need something brighter,right?
You need something to brightenup your PMDD relationship.
So it's going to be in Orlando,florida.
There's going to be a pool,there's going to be hot tub.
All of the details will be onmy website.
For this retreat, I will havean early bird special, and what
that means is you'll be able toget the retreat for a discounted
(31:51):
rate, but only for a limitedamount of time and once the
couples are there, once it'slocked in, I won't be able to
open it up to any more couples.
You'll have to wait for thenext retreat, but I'm going to
be able to open it up to anymore couples whenever that
happens.
But I want you to take advantageof this for the new year.
I want you to go into it.
I want you to go into the newyear knowing that you're going
(32:11):
to do something different thanwhat you did in 2023.
That was my biggest thing.
I was like we're doing the samething again and again and again
.
If this continues, we're goingto go into the next year doing
the same thing and it's just notgoing to work.
It's not sustainable.
You can hold this up for alittle bit, but after a while it
gets old.
The issues don't go away.
They just build up again andagain and again.
(32:34):
If you want the details for therise with Dr Rose couples
retreat, make sure you click thelink in the bio.
Go to my website,wwwinlovewithpmddcom.
I cannot wait to meet you allin person.
This is I don't know what I'mgoing to be doing.
Another one I want you to makesure that you take advantage of
(32:55):
this.
Again, it's March 1st throughthe 3rd.
You have a full itinerary andyou will be walking away with
customized tools, tangible tools, workbooks that you will be
walking away with that arespecifically going to be
designed for your PMDDrelationship.
It's not going to be a thingwhere you're going to have to go
back and try to figure it out.
(33:16):
This is a one-stop shop whereyou're going to have all the
things that you can just go backand start to work with.
The next thing that I'm going tobe offering with this for the
first couple that signed up forit, is you get a free it's going
to be included in your packagepre-retreat session with me.
It's going to be I'm going toget to know you.
(33:37):
I'm going to get to know yourPMDD partner so that when we're
meeting in person, I'm alreadygoing to have the basis of the
tools that I'm going to beproviding with you for you.
I'm just going to be givingthem to you.
I'm going to be speaking to youin a way where it's like this
is what you need to do.
This is how you're going to getyour needs met.
This is how you're going tofeel more connected.
This is how you're going to getunstuck.
I'm so excited to provide thisfor you.
(33:57):
I'm finally in a place where Ican.
I'm traveling to provide thisto you in person, because it's
something different about beingin person.
It really is.
It's something different aboutconnecting in person, not just
for you and your PMDD partner,but for me to actually see you
meet with you.
You can get to know me all ofthe things.
(34:18):
Yeah, I'm so excited.
Make sure you go to my website,go to the link in bio, and
until next time we got this.
Today we are going to be talking about what broke us,
what broke my PMDD relationship, what were the last straws,
what were the warning signs,what were the things that really
just did not allow me and myex-PMDD partners to stay in the
relationship?
(00:21):
And I've gotten so manyquestions.
If you follow my journey onInstagram, where I'm literally
blogging every single day, or ifyou're in the Breakup Proof
Academy, you have some of theintricate details about what
happened with me and my PMDDpartner, but I want to give you
some signs and some additionalfacts about what really happened
(00:42):
, what was going on behind thescenes, because a lot of times
when I was going through thisprocess remember I was always
thinking that this was going tobe like a testimony, this was
going to be okay.
We're just going through thisright now and then later on I'm
going to say how we dugourselves out of it, and if you
even listened to previousepisodes, you'll be able to see
(01:04):
where there was an episode I didhere on the podcast that said
that one almost broke us.
So there was always thesewarning signs that was happening
and I was just feeling like Ihave the tools to get us out of
this place.
But I know for sure we need toimplement certain things and,
like I always say, it's reallyreally hard being a doctor and
(01:26):
being able to have the tools toknow what it is that we need to
do to really see the signs, seethe red flags.
And what was happening is a lotof times I was wanting to
address a lot of the issues andthat's the first thing that
happened.
It was the lack ofacknowledgement of our issues
(01:50):
and I was saying this is aproblem.
This is the first thing thatstarted to break down with me
and my ex-PMDD partner was thecommunication.
There were certain things thatI always had in place as far as
our sessions that we had everysingle week and, like I told you
, I have sessions, had sessionswith my PMDD partner every
single week to address anyissues that started to come up.
(02:13):
And I've seen this happen somany times with private clients
where they're coming to me on aweekly basis.
We're addressing all of theissues and then all of a sudden
they get to kind of a good placeand they're kind of like, oh,
we don't need to do the sessionsanymore, dr Rose, we're good,
and they stop having sessions.
And I always say at least haveone session a month, because
when PMDD is involved, there arethings that come up and you
(02:37):
don't want it to spiral.
You don't want it to be builtup.
Resentment built up, thingsbuilt up, neglect built up
verbal abuse and all thosethings.
You don't want things to buildup because when PMDD comes, it
rips the blanket and itintensifies all of the issues
that you already have and itmagnifies it in a way where you
feel like you need to dosomething about it.
(02:59):
And so I was trying to say wereally need to keep continue
having these sessions that we'rehaving.
And so my ex-Premier Departmentwas like no, I don't have time
for that.
I have all of this just withwork.
I have all of these things.
And there was that period oftime where it was about two
months where he had to go on awork trip and we weren't
speaking, we weren'tcommunicating.
(03:20):
But the issue is that prior tothat, we weren't speaking and we
weren't communicating in thelevel of what's really going on
in our PMDD relationship, notjust logistics.
You ever I don't know if you'veever been that way with your
PMD partner, where you're justtalking about day-to-day things,
you're talking about the kids,you're talking about the
finances, you're talking aboutwhat you're going to do, but
(03:40):
you're not really connecting.
You're not really talking aboutanything that's really
bothering you.
You may be putting stuff on theback burner that's really
hurtful to you.
Maybe they said somethingthat's really hurtful.
I've seen this happen so manytimes with private sessions,
where things are coming out andthe other PMDD partner isn't
even aware that that hurt you.
(04:01):
They're not aware that they'reconsistently doing damage, and
that's why the sessions are soimportant because you get to a
place where everything isaddressed, everything is
acknowledged.
The acknowledgement of issuesis even therapeutic.
To just have me saying thatthere's something going on in
(04:21):
the relationship and youacknowledge that that is an
issue, you're validating thatthis is an issue, even if you
don't feel the same way, knowingthat your partner is saying,
wow, okay, I can see how that'shard for you, or I can see how
you took that this way, justletting them know that they
understand you.
(04:41):
There's so many times where inyour PMD relationship you could
be walking, or even if you'reliving together, you're walking
around and your partner is noteven knowing what's going on
with you and I think that's theloneliest place to be, is where
you're in a relationship, you'rephysically with the person, but
you still feel lonely.
That's what started to happen,where I felt like my PMDD
(05:06):
partner doesn't get me, hedoesn't understand what's going
on with me, he doesn'tunderstand my feelings, he
doesn't care about my feelings.
When you go into PMDD, theseare the intrusive thoughts that
you're going to get and that Istarted to get.
We are not connected and whenyou get to that point where the
communication is gone, where youcan't even just bring up
(05:27):
something, where you're walkingon eggshells, then that's when
it's a dangerous time thatyou're starting to get on the
brink of a breakup.
Because when you start ignoringor downplaying the things that
are going on with your PMDDpartner, a lot of times it's the
lack of empathy that makes youfeel like the all or nothing
(05:50):
thing.
I can't be in a relationshipwith someone that never
acknowledges my feelings ormakes me defend them or really
just doesn't feel me.
There used to be times earlierin our journey where I could
have a certain facial expressionand my ex-PMD partner would be
able to know that there wassomething wrong with me and be
(06:11):
like babe, what's going on?
Are you okay?
Or even a different tone in myvoice.
But when you start to have thatbreakdown in communication,
that intimacy, it goes away.
So it really impacted howintimate we were, how close we
were.
It's different with yourpartner.
(06:31):
Your partner is supposed to bethe person that really, really
knows you, not just what you seeon the outside.
That's the beauty in having anintimate relationship is that
your partner knows you insideand out.
But when you break down thatcommunication and you're not
expressed into your PMDD partnerthis is how I'm really feeling
(06:52):
and they're actually receivingit Then that's when I feel like
a lot of the damage is done.
So that's one of the thingsthat broke us is that I'm a very
vocal person and I don't knowif that's from my training of
being a doctor or it's just mypersonality, because I've pretty
much always been that way,specifically in relationships.
I don't make you guess anything.
(07:12):
If there's ever at the start ofa red flag, if there's ever
anything going on, I'm alwaysgoing to pull you to the side
with love and say like hey, babe, this is what I'm feeling.
I feel like we really need towork on this, or I feel like we
really have an issue with thisand I think that we need to just
sit down and make a plan anduse the tools to get past this,
(07:35):
and when I was doing that, a lotof times what I was getting was
backlash.
I don't have time for you.
I don't have time for this.
I have a lot of stuff going onin my life.
Remember when I told you myex-PMD partner had a lot of
health scares?
He had a lot of things thatwere unsure with his career, and
(07:57):
in my mind I was always in theplace of if everything else is
going wrong in your life and youreally don't have any control
over it meaning at this time youreally don't have as much
control over the changes thatare happening in your career
because other people arecontrolling it.
You don't have any control overwhat's going on in your body
(08:17):
because you're going to thedoctors and they're consistently
telling you that there'sdifferent things going on then
why not control the controllable?
And this is what I always tellmy private clients is control
what you can control and let therest go.
So what I felt we could controlwere the issues that were going
on in our relationship.
I'm like this is the perfecttime.
(08:37):
You don't have a lot of work todo.
You have a lot of downtime,you're going through a lot, so
let's put our focus on somethingthat we can actually control
and that we can implement.
That's going to make thingsbetter, because going through
that two months it was supposedto be two months, it ended up
being only one month apart therewere so many, there were so
(08:57):
much buildups.
Specifically, when I went intoPMDD, there was a lot of anxiety
and overthinking about theissues that we have and I really
just felt like we could havebeen in a place to address a lot
of those issues.
And I know that it was also notjust issues on my part.
It was issues that he had withme and I think what it was is
(09:18):
that I had a PMDD partner thatavoided conflict.
So when I was saying, let'scommunicate, let's talk about
the issues, my PMDD partneroriginally thought every single
time we were going to talk aboutissues, we were going to argue
and fight.
So there was a lot of traumathere and I've seen this a lot
with private clients, whereyou're assuming that every
(09:40):
conversation that you have aboutan issue in the relationship is
going to turn into an uglyfight.
It's going to be damaging andyou almost may get to a point
where you feel like you can'thandle that.
You're like I can't handleeverything that's going on in my
life and handle the issues thatare going on in our
relationship.
This is the conversations thatmy PMDD partner was having,
(10:02):
where he was just wanting tohave loving conversations about
our relationship.
He just wanted this to be theone thing that he didn't have to
deal with.
And, because I'm so transparent, I want the loving
conversations and the lovingactions to be authentic.
It's nothing like going aroundpretending, walking around
(10:25):
pretending that you don't haveissues when you really have
issues, and sometimesindividuals get into that point,
in that place in theirrelationship when they're
pretending they're not reallybeing authentic with the fact
that they're not happy.
They would rather live into afantasy land of saying, like
we're great and your version ofyou being great.
Meaning that is that you'reavoiding the conflict, you're
(10:46):
avoiding a fight, and you maythink that that's like a good
thing, but a lot of times you'reonly avoiding the conflict,
you're only avoiding the issuesbecause you're not addressing
them, you're not acknowledgingthem.
They're still there and whathappens is when your partner
goes into PMDD or when you gointo PMDD, they come out.
Pmdd does not allow you to keepany issues that you have in
(11:09):
your PMDD relationship undercover, under wraps, hiding them,
ignoring them.
It comes out.
And it comes out in a way thatit's like you need to do
something about it right now.
And so every single time I wasgoing into PMDD over the month
and I was like we have tocommunicate, we have to talk
about these things, and therewas this avoidance and it was
(11:29):
very, you know, weird becauseI'm the one that was used to
having the avoidant attachmentstyle when PMDD came.
But it turned out that myex-PMDD partner was having an
avoidance, but it was anavoidant not an avoidance to me,
but an avoidance to talkingabout the issues.
And it was almost like the moreI wanted to talk about the
(11:49):
issues, the less he wanted totalk to me.
And that's where the breakdownand communication came, because
every single time we talked heassumed okay, we're going to
talk about the issues, I don'treally want to talk about the
issues, I don't have thecapacity to talk about the
issues right now.
So I'm just going to limitcommunication.
At one point towards the end ofour relationship, it was the
(12:10):
only communication we werehaving were text messages on the
day-to-day basis and it wasgood morning, good night, how's
your day.
And it was very robotic and forme there was no depth to it,
there was no intimacy to it,there was no genuine
connectedness where you honestlywant to know what's going on
with me.
Today.
It was almost like I felt likeI couldn't say what was really
(12:32):
going on because if I did, itwas too heavy, it was too much.
So I became too much, so Istarted to water down a lot of
the communication that I had.
I was like, oh, good morning,good morning babe, good morning
love.
Oh, my day's going great.
And then, and then good night,you know, good night, I love you
.
And of course there was I loveyou throughout the day, but that
was it.
So our relationship could notsustain that limited amount of
(12:56):
communication, that limitedamount of intimacy.
It just it's not enough tosustain a relationship.
Because I knew that there werea lot of things going on with
him that he wasn't communicatingwith me.
He knew that there were a lotof things that were going on
with me, but he felt like hedidn't have the capacity to
handle them, and I think theexpectation was I just put a
pause on all of the issues thatwe have in the relationship and
(13:19):
I just you know his level ofsupport.
That he was saying that heneeded was for me to just ignore
the issues with him, to be inthat place of not addressing
anything that was going on,almost muting my symptoms, like
muting my symptoms ofoverthinking and anxiety and
everything I was going on withPMDD, by pretending that none of
it was real.
(13:40):
And what I call that is I callthat you're trying to live in an
altered reality within yourPMDD relationship.
But I don't know if you've everbeen in that place where you
know that you and your PMDDpartner are not intimate, you're
not close, you're not connected.
You maybe talk to a best friendor you talk to somebody else
more than you talk to your PMDDpartner, and that's the wrong
(14:00):
answer.
Your PMDD partner should alwaysknow what's going on with you
at all times good, bad orindifferent.
And what I was beginning tosense was that I could only talk
about the good stuff and aslong as I was talking about the
good stuff, as long as I wastalking about how much I loved
him and adored him and and lovedour relationship and all of
those things.
(14:21):
Then the communication flowed,but soon as I said, hey babe,
let's talk about this, let'stalk about this, you know there
began to be a lack of intimacy.
It really impacted how we werein person.
You know the affection, andbeing long distance already and
not having physical contact withmy PMDD partner was hard enough
(14:45):
within itself, right?
So what I want you tounderstand is that, due to our
careers me and my PMDD partnerthat I had we're separated for
five years.
So I do not want you to thinkthat this is something that
either one of us took lightly,right.
It isn't something that we werelike, oh, we couldn't survive,
you know this, this one month,like we have issues for one
(15:07):
month and then it's fine.
We were separated for fiveyears and it was way longer than
either one of us anticipated.
And I'll go into that a littlebit later on.
Where I'm, where I'm reallyaddressing the distance part,
the long distance part.
But what I want you to know isthat there was already physical
distance and then, as the issueswere not addressed, there was
(15:30):
an emotional distance.
There was, you know, pmddrelated issues were not
acknowledged, issues that he hadwith his work stress he didn't
want to talk about.
You know, the emotionaldistance starts to happen when
you start holding things backfrom your PMDD partner, where
you start creating that alteredreality, right?
So what happens is you start todeal with a lot of the emotions
(15:53):
that you have on your own, andthat's what was happening for me
.
There were so many days, nights,afternoons, that I felt so
lonely with what I was goingthrough, with all of the
emotions that I was goingthrough, specifically when I was
in PMDD.
I mean I would be in the shower, crying, literally crying,
(16:16):
because I felt alone, I feltmisunderstood, I felt not
understood.
You know, I felt like everyemotion that I had, I was
dealing with it on my own and itwas becoming so heavy for me.
So I remember, you know, havinga conversation out of
desperation.
You know, really feeling myPMDD partner slip away, feeling
(16:38):
your PMDD partner slip away isone of the most painful things.
I'm going to try not to cryeven talking about this, but
feeling your PMDD partner slipaway is one of the most painful
things that I have everexperienced, because I could see
, I could feel what it used tofeel like to be close, what it
(17:00):
used to feel like to be, youknow, heard and understood and
to be intimate.
And I looked at how we were inthe moment and it was gone, I
mean completely gone, and Iremember times where I would
feel like it's slipping away,like it's, you know, I could
save it, I could save it, and soa lot of times I was doing a
lot of forcing, a lot of forcing.
(17:21):
I'm forcing the conversation.
You know I'm not an advocate offorcing anyone to do anything,
specifically your PMDD partner.
You can't force them, right?
That's the next thing I wantyou to realize.
You cannot force your PMDDpartner to use the tools that
you have.
They have to see the value init, they have to see the value
(17:43):
in you.
And it hurts me so much becauseI've had so many private
sessions with clients where I'mtalking to one of them and they
are so willing, they are so open, they are so ready to say you
know what, dr Rose, we havethese issues and I'm ready to
work on them.
And it really hurts me when Isee the effort of one partner
(18:06):
and then there's the otherpartner that you're just not
there.
They're not there, they're notwilling to be there.
And I see it and I notice itand I know the signs of them not
being there and I just, youknow, it's like I'm like, oh my
gosh, like I'll suggest things.
I'm like, okay, so you know,there's always actionable tools
that I have in every privatesession.
(18:27):
I'm like, okay, for this week,this is what I want you to do.
And then I'll hear from one ofthe you know, the PMDD partners
that's really ready and willingand they're like Dr Rose,
they're not doing it, they'renot doing the work, they're not
using the tools.
And it hurts me so much becauseI'm like it's almost like you
(18:48):
feel like you can overcompensatefor your partner's lack of
action.
You feel like if I take moreaction, if I use the tools
double, then maybe it'll make upfor my PMDD partner not using
them at all.
And unfortunately, that's nottrue.
Both of you have to be willingand that was the breakdown.
(19:09):
That was a breakdown with us.
We weren't both willing At onepoint.
We were at one point.
We were having the sessions andwe were implementing the tools
and we were feeling, you know,connected.
Because what happens is whenyou're both working on your PMDD
relationship, you feel close,you feel connected, you feel
empowered, you feel like we gotthis.
But when you start to not usethe tools, you don't go to the
(19:31):
sessions, you're not doinganything actively to address any
of the issues in yourrelationship.
When an issue comes up, youfeel helpless, you feel hopeless
, you feel like there's nothingthat you can do, nothing's gonna
work.
It's always gonna be this way.
We're never gonna see eye toeye because guess what, you're
not getting your needs met andyour PMDD partner are not
getting their needs met, andthat's a very, that's a very
(19:54):
helpless place to be right.
And that's the next thing thatstarted to happen.
You know, my PMDD partnerwasn't getting his needs met.
I wasn't getting my needs metand what my needs were was I
needed that emotionalconnectedness and what my PMDD
partner needed was physicalintimacy.
He needed to feel like I wasphysically showing affection, I
(20:14):
was physically there for him.
So what happened is because ofthe breakdown in communication.
When we did have our visits, itbecame like borderline awkward,
you know, like we used to beable to spend months apart.
You know weeks, months, daysapart, and then when we see each
other, we're back connected andeverything's great when you
break down the communication andthat emotion and all of that
intimacy when you see each other, the affection's not even there
(20:36):
.
You're not kissing, you're nothugging, you're not holding
hands, and just the physicalityof that seeing that breakdown is
so hurtful.
It is so hurtful because youstart comparing why can't it be
like it was before?
My PMDD partner used to do thatall the time send me things, you
used to do this and you used todo that.
(20:57):
So if you've been in that placein your relationship where
you're kind of saying, oh, youused to do this and you almost
try to force the other person todo what it is that they used to
do, and I said to my PMDD,there's a reason why, there is
an actual reason why thesethings aren't happening anymore
and you're not willing toaddress the reason, but you want
the result.
I'm gonna repeat that you'renot willing to address the
(21:22):
reason, aka the issues, but youwant the result.
You get the result of beingemotionally connected and
intimate with your PMDD partnerby doing the work, using the
tools, staying connected.
It is not always automatic.
I wish that I could tell youthat everything's just gonna
flow together and it's alwaysgonna be that everything just
works out without you doinganything intentional.
(21:44):
It doesn't work like that,specifically when you have PMDD,
when you have anxiety andyou're overthinking and you have
these intrusive thoughts, youhave to address all those
intrusive thoughts.
But I remember that point.
One of the breaking points waswhen my PMDD partner says you're
so sensitive.
Like, you're so sensitive, theywere minimizing my emotions as
(22:06):
a result of them not gettingtheir needs met.
And when you're not emotionallyconnected, it's easier for you
to say hurtful things, andthat's what also started to
happen.
So if you're in that place withyour PMDD partner and you're
like I can't believe they'retalking to me like this, they
never would have been able totalk to me like this before.
Like I remember saying that Iwas like how can my PMDD partner
(22:27):
be cussing me out?
Like how can my PMDD partner betalking to me so harsh and not
really have any empathy andalmost treating me?
Like my emotions are my problem, like I was not with them, like
I had an issue.
And towards the end, that's whatmy PMDD partner said you're the
one that has the issue in therelationship.
We don't.
Well, I don't have any issueswith you.
(22:48):
Like this is the level ofavoidance that he was on was I
don't have any issues.
You're the one that's creatingthe issues.
You have the issues and if youwould just get over the issues
on your own, then we would bebetter.
And I was like, no, like it'snot.
You know, you start to get,especially in PMDD.
You start to be like, am Igoing crazy?
Like, am I losing it?
I remember there were so manytimes where I literally thought
(23:10):
I was cuckoo for Coco Puffs.
I was like I feel like I'mlosing my literal mind.
I know that there's actualissues that we need to address.
I know that we actually haveproblems, but I have a partner
that's literally telling me I'mthe problem.
They have no issues with me.
I know they have an issue withme, like.
I know they don't feel close.
I know they're not gettingtheir needs met.
I know that they're notconnected.
(23:31):
But that avoidance was what hewas using as a way of, you know,
neglecting the actual issuesthat we had.
And it doesn't get you.
You can ignore the issues allday long.
It doesn't get you theconnection that you want.
It doesn't get you theconnection that you want.
And the last thing that I wouldsay that really broke us was
just not prioritizing our PMDDrelationship.
(23:54):
That was very evident to me,and it was almost the most
hurtful thing, was to see aperson put so much effort your
partner put so much effort in somany other areas in their life
that wasn't even giving them thesatisfaction that they were
claiming that they needed.
You know, my PMDD partner wasputting so much effort into work
(24:18):
I gotta finish work, I gotta dothis for work and work was not
even giving him the satisfactionthat he wanted he was putting
so much effort into.
I wanna spend time with myfamily, my parents.
I wanna spend time with them.
I wanna spend time with mydaughter.
I wanna spend time like all ofthese things.
And I was like but what about me?
What about us?
Like I'm helping you with allof these other things, I'm
(24:41):
helping you with your health,I'm being there for you, I'm
supporting you when it comes toyour work, but you're not
prioritizing our bond, ourrelationship, and I started to
think we're breaking.
I'm literally telling you thatwe're breaking and you're saying
you don't have the energy toput into restoring our
(25:03):
relationship, because I've seenso many PMDD relationships be
restored by using the tools andthat's exactly why I'm having my
first, first, first ever.
I was like I'm so excited to dothis specifically for the stage
of life that I'm in right nowand just realizing the
(25:24):
importance of reconnecting withyour PMDD partner and addressing
the issues that you have andthen moving forward in a way
where you're just utilizing thetools on a day-to-day, weekly
basis and it's not so hard, it'snot so overwhelming, because
you've gotten to the root ofyour issues and you have tools
that are actually going to helpyour PMDD relationship and
(25:46):
that's why I'm having the risewith Dr Roll's couples retreat.
So I'm doing this on an annualbasis.
And I was so excited to do thisbecause I've always gotten
requests to do in-personsessions.
I've always gotten no I hearthis from all my private clients
Like if you work with me for awhile, or even if you we talk on
(26:07):
Instagram all the time andyou're in my DMs or we email,
however it is that you contactme.
I've always heard that I wishedthat we could meet in person.
I wish that we could have thesesessions in person.
I wish that I could just spendsome time with you in person and
really just learn more abouthow I can make me and my PMDD
partner better, how we can getmore connected, and that's
(26:28):
exactly what we're going to bedoing with the rise of Dr Roll's
couples retreat.
It's going to get you unstuck inyour PMDD relationship.
It's going to be that thingwhere you're putting forth that
intentional effort, you're notignoring anything, you're
showing up, you're saying thatyou're ready so that you can get
out of just being in the sameplace.
That was what was so hurtfuland damaging, because I'm like
(26:50):
we're going through these daysand these weeks and it's looking
the same.
The issues are looking the same, the fights are looking the
same, we're arguing about thesame things and we're arguing
all the time.
And so during this retreat it'sgoing to be a three day retreat
.
The first one it's going to beMarch 1st through the 3rd.
Ok, so you have a little bit oftime, but I'm only going to be
(27:10):
able to take a limited amount ofcouples because we're all going
to be staying together andthere's going to be so much
involved on this retreat.
I'm going to really pour intoyou for three days, you and your
PMDD partner, really gettingyou to that place.
You're going to leave feelingconnected.
You're going to leave feelingunderstood.
(27:30):
You're going to leave feelinglighter.
You're going to leave feelinglike you finally got that peace
in your relationship, because Iknow that was what I kept asking
for.
I just need peace.
I just need peace.
I just need peace, and I'mgoing to be creating an
atmosphere for you to do that.
There's going to be privatesessions that you're going to
have in person with me.
There's going to be grouptraining sessions that we're
(27:52):
going to have all together.
You're going to be able to meetother PMDD partners that are
going through the same thing.
So I always think it's like theloneliest thing ever that you
can't really talk to otherpeople and they really
understand what you're goingthrough in your PMDD
relationship.
I am going to have you.
So here's the thing Trauma isstored in the body.
(28:13):
If you've ever read that book,the Body Keeps the Score, it's
talking about how trauma isstored in the body and a lot of
what we talk about with PMDD.
It's traumatic, which is why myPMDD partner probably didn't
want to talk about a lot of theheavy stuff that was going on.
It can be stressful.
(28:34):
It can actually be stressful,and when you're going and you're
doing this work, it's not easy.
And so what I'm going to beproviding for you during this
retreat is not just that you'regoing through because I know,
not just that you're goingthrough some heavy stuff, right,
like who's going to come andtravel and just say I'm going to
(28:55):
go through a whole bunch ofheavy stuff and then leave
feeling depleted, feeling likeI'm not restored, all of these
things.
I'm going to leave you feelingrestored because I'm going to be
giving you massage.
I'm not physically, let mepreface I'm not giving you
massages.
I'm bringing in a massagetherapist that I have worked
with for so long.
(29:15):
I know this person inside andout.
She is my bestie, she's my bestfriend.
She's a licensed massagetherapist who specifically deals
with the bodywork of gettingthe trauma out, and they will be
there to provide you with acomplimentary massage for you
and your PMDD partner.
This can be so restorativeAfter you.
(29:40):
The way it's going to work isyou're going to have private
sessions with me and then, afteryou have the private sessions,
you will have the opportunity toget your customized massages
for whatever you've been holdingon in your body.
Right, it's not going to be.
This is all customized.
The private sessions with meare customized to what is
specifically going on in yourPMDD relationship.
(30:00):
We're going to get to the rootof that, and then the same thing
is going to happen when youhave your massage right.
Some of you need to relax, someof you need to release the
trauma, and your partner isgoing to be there to do it with
you.
I know one of the things thatwas happening with me over the
months was I was doing a lot ofwork on myself as the breakup
was happening.
I was doing a lot of work onwhat it is that I was going
(30:21):
through, processing things, andit became that I was doing it
like it was everything that waskind of one-sided, where I felt
like I'm on this journey ofreally learning more about how
our PMDD relationship can bebetter, how I can be better, how
I can acknowledge my triggers.
But all of these things and myPMDD partner wasn't on that
journey with me.
By having your PMDD partnerwith you on this retreat, it's
(30:43):
going to bring you closer.
It is going to ignite thatintimacy that bring that fire
back that you used to have.
No one would agree to be in arelationship with anyone,
specifically with PMDD, if youdidn't have some kind of
physicality, some kind ofintimacy, some kind of emotional
intimacy.
There was something thatbrought you all together and we
need to get back to that.
And so this retreat, it's goingto be amazing.
(31:05):
We're going to be in the housetogether, we're going to get up,
we're going to have breakfast.
It's going to be in a beautifularea.
It is in Orlando, florida.
I used to live in Miami and Ialways think about that Will
Smith song Welcome to Miami.
In Benito, I'm Miami, I loveFlorida.
It is the Sunshine State and Ilove living there, and I think a
(31:28):
lot of our PMDD relationshipsneed that sunshine.
You need something brighter,right?
You need something to brightenup your PMDD relationship.
So it's going to be in Orlando,florida.
There's going to be a pool,there's going to be hot tub.
All of the details will be onmy website.
For this retreat, I will havean early bird special, and what
that means is you'll be able toget the retreat for a discounted
(31:51):
rate, but only for a limitedamount of time and once the
couples are there, once it'slocked in, I won't be able to
open it up to any more couples.
You'll have to wait for thenext retreat, but I'm going to
be able to open it up to anymore couples whenever that
happens.
But I want you to take advantageof this for the new year.
I want you to go into it.
I want you to go into the newyear knowing that you're going
(32:11):
to do something different thanwhat you did in 2023.
That was my biggest thing.
I was like we're doing the samething again and again and again
.
If this continues, we're goingto go into the next year doing
the same thing and it's just notgoing to work.
It's not sustainable.
You can hold this up for alittle bit, but after a while it
gets old.
The issues don't go away.
They just build up again andagain and again.
(32:34):
If you want the details for therise with Dr Rose couples
retreat, make sure you click thelink in the bio.
Go to my website,wwwinlovewithpmddcom.
I cannot wait to meet you allin person.
This is I don't know what I'mgoing to be doing.
Another one I want you to makesure that you take advantage of
(32:55):
this.
Again, it's March 1st throughthe 3rd.
You have a full itinerary andyou will be walking away with
customized tools, tangible tools, workbooks that you will be
walking away with that arespecifically going to be
designed for your PMDDrelationship.
It's not going to be a thingwhere you're going to have to go
back and try to figure it out.
(33:16):
This is a one-stop shop whereyou're going to have all the
things that you can just go backand start to work with.
The next thing that I'm going tobe offering with this for the
first couple that signed up forit, is you get a free it's going
to be included in your packagepre-retreat session with me.
It's going to be I'm going toget to know you.
(33:37):
I'm going to get to know yourPMDD partner so that when we're
meeting in person, I'm alreadygoing to have the basis of the
tools that I'm going to beproviding with you for you.
I'm just going to be givingthem to you.
I'm going to be speaking to youin a way where it's like this
is what you need to do.
This is how you're going to getyour needs met.
This is how you're going tofeel more connected.
This is how you're going to getunstuck.
I'm so excited to provide thisfor you.
(33:57):
I'm finally in a place where Ican.
I'm traveling to provide thisto you in person, because it's
something different about beingin person.
It really is.
It's something different aboutconnecting in person, not just
for you and your PMDD partner,but for me to actually see you
meet with you.
You can get to know me all ofthe things.
(34:18):
Yeah, I'm so excited.
Make sure you go to my website,go to the link in bio, and
until next time we got this.
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