June 5, 2025 • 56 mins
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Struggling with emotional reactivity in your PMDD relationship? The key might be detachment—not disconnecting from your partner, but creating space between your symptoms and your reactions.
Many of us find ourselves in cycles of blame, projecting our PMDD symptoms onto our partners and damaging our relationships in the process. When we're experiencing anxiety, depression, or sensitivity to rejection during our luteal phase, it's easy to point fingers at our partner's behavior as the cause. With detachment, we recognize these symptoms would exist regardless of our partner's actions, freeing us from the cycle of blame and shame.
Detachment brings remarkable clarity. It helps us distinguish between chemistry (those intense emotional connections) and true compatibility in our relationships. It reveals patterns we've been ignoring and red flags we've been painting green. Through my own journey, I discovered how childhood trauma led me to form unhealthy attachments—creating fantasies about partners based on their words rather than their actions. Detachment helped me see relationships for what they truly were, not what I desperately wanted them to be.
The process isn't easy. It requires courage to observe your feelings without immediately reacting to them. When intrusive thoughts arise—like that urgent need to break up during your luteal phase—detachment allows you to recognize them as "scammers" trying to manipulate your reality. You can acknowledge these thoughts without believing they represent truth. This skill creates the foundation for healthier relationships and personal growth.
Remember, peace in relationships isn't perfection—it's honesty, vulnerability, and willingness to grow together. Detachment gives you the clarity to determine if that's possible in your current relationship or if you deserve something different. If you're feeling trapped in emotional reactivity and need guidance in finding clarity, connect with me at inlovewithpmdd.com. Together, we can build the tools for healthier relationships with PMDD.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
So let's talk detachment.
I really wanted to talk aboutthis whole realm of detaching in
PMDD relationships and whatthat basically means is a lot of
my private clients are tellingme that they want to be less
emotionally reactive to thethings that go on in their PMDD
(00:22):
relationship, meaning they wantto detach from being emotionally
triggered from things thattheir partner are doing.
And I know if you're listeningto this, you're like yes,
exactly that's what I want to do, and I just want to start off
and say that for me, when Iheard this, I was like oof,
because detachment for me isvery, very hard.
I can teach it very well, I cango through the tools, but for
(00:45):
me is very, very hard.
I can teach it very well, I cango through the tools, but for
me personally, I was sufferingwith that.
So I was like I really need todevelop the tools.
It's kind of like whenever I'mreally suffering with something
or someone, it propels me todevelop the tools specifically
for PMED.
But I was like why isdetachment so hard for me?
(01:07):
Why is it so hard?
For once, I attach to someone Ican easily attach, meaning I'm
one of those individuals where,when you get in a relationship,
when you first start dating,like I have gotten married quick
, fast, with one relationship,and one relationship I took time
(01:28):
, but I just it's kind of likethat saying like when you know,
you know, and when I feel like Iknow, I shut off all
distractions and I just committo this one person and they
become, you know, my person.
And so when things don't workout within the PMDD relationship
this is why dating was so hardfor me because I, you know, had
(01:51):
a really hard time detaching andwhat my dating mentor told me
was you attach really early andthen when it's time to detach,
like you drag it on or you, youknow, you struggle with it, or
you try not to detach.
And I've literally stayed insituations longer than I should
have because it was so hard forme to detach and I've struggled
(02:13):
with this again and again andagain, even up until recently,
just things that are just notworking.
I was like in relationship wise, like friendships and intimate
relationships, I was like whycan't I just let it go, like
it's so easy for other people tojust detach.
So I ended up buying a programthat was strictly on detachment.
(02:34):
I'm not going to say the nameof the program because I think
the program is amazing, but I doknow that I struggled a lot
with a lot of the modules.
I love courses because it helpsyou go through different
modules again and again andagain at different phases of
your life when you feel like youneed them.
So this is why this year I'vekind of been trying to develop
(02:55):
more courses, because it's kindof like the podcast If you're
going through something, youcould always go back to that
podcast episode and really getthe tools or really get the
understanding or really feelseen in that moment.
And so detachment for me waslike this thing that was so hard
because I have all of thesefeelings around disconnecting
(03:17):
myself from someone, that I'veattached myself to someone.
With Number one I may feel likeI'm leaving them when they
really need me.
I may feel like I don't know ifI should there.
I may feel like I don't know ifI should, like there's a lot of
confusion, like should I leave,should I stay?
And then it feels so final,like what if I make the wrong
decision?
What if I should really be withthem?
And then you bring PMDD intothe mix and it's like oh my gosh
(03:38):
, is this just my luteal phasetalking.
Do I really not feel like Ishould be with this person?
Or is this just my PMDD talking?
Is this my PMDD brain lying tome?
Again?
Because you know your PMDDbrain is always going to lie to
you.
It's always going to geartowards the negative, but it's
also very convincing.
You always get into that pointof where you're so convinced
about what your PMDD brain istelling you that you think it's
(04:00):
the truth.
And so I've been in thatsituation where I've been
talking to friends and familyand convincing them of things,
and it's been solely based on myluteal phase, like it's only
because of what my PMDD brain istelling me.
But I just feel like it's thetruth.
And so I'm going to talk to youtoday about detachment and why
(04:21):
you may need to detach, evenwhile you're in a PMDD
relationship.
And detachment is not aboutbeing avoided, it's not about
shutting down, it's not aboutnot connecting with your partner
.
It's about detaching from theemotional reactivity of what's
going on in your PMDDrelationship, and what that
means is, when you detach,you're just creating space.
(04:43):
And so that's how I had to lookat it.
I had to look at it that I'mnot shutting myself down, I'm
not shutting off, I'm notstonewalling, which is very you
know, that's abusive.
I'm creating space between myPMDD symptoms and my PMDD brain
and my partner's behavior or theindividual that I'm dating
their behavior and my partner'sbehavior or the individual that
(05:05):
I'm dating their behavior.
What this means is, a lot oftimes there are things that your
partner does will do thattrigger you on a monthly basis
Someone that you're dating.
There's things that they dothat trigger you, and when
you're in your luteal phase,you're already hypersensitive to
rejection.
You're already, you know, youmay have anxiety, you may have
(05:25):
depression, you may have all ofthese symptoms that have nothing
to do with your partner.
What detachment does is itseparates you blaming your
symptoms that you have on theactions or reactions of your
partner and their behavior.
Because when you mix themtogether and you're attached,
(05:47):
then when you have PMDD symptoms, you're looking for someone to
blame or you're looking for somethings to blame and you
automatically are like, oh, it'sthe relationship or oh, it's my
PMDD partner.
I'm having anxiety because ofmy PMDD partner.
Or I'm having depression becauseof my PMDD partner, or I'm
having misophonia, which is asensitivity to depression,
because of my PMDD partner, orI'm having misophonia, which is
(06:09):
a sensitivity to noise becauseof my PMDD partner, without
really detaching and realizingthat you have had these symptoms
before you were even incommunication or contact with
your partner.
This is why I started to do myPMDD partner's morning routine
years ago because it allowed meto separate what I was suffering
with in PMDD and my partner.
I would wake up in the morningbefore my partner even woke up
(06:30):
or be separate from my partnerduring the mornings to check in
with myself.
Because if I got up in themorning and my partner started
making noise the fact that Ihave a sensitivity to noise in
my luteal phase I would be like,oh, it's your fault that I'm
suffering in PMDD because you'remaking a lot of noise.
No, if I'm waking up in themorning and I'm having time and
(06:51):
space on my own and I'mdetaching from anything that my
partner is doing, I'm able torecognize I have a sensitivity
to noise, I have misophoniaright.
Or I'm able to recognize I'mfeeling a lot of anxiety this
morning, or I'm able torecognize I'm feeling a lot of
depression this morning, likeI'm feeling sad, I'm feeling low
, I'm feeling fatigued.
I am able to recognize mypremenstrual disorder symptoms
(07:15):
separate from my partner'sbehavior.
So that means they cannot becausing it if I already have it.
It is a pre-existing condition.
Therefore, it gets me out ofthe realm of blaming and shaming
them for the suffering that Iwas already going to experience
whether I interacted with themor not.
So when you're detaching,you're breaking the cycle of
(07:36):
blaming your partner for yourPMDD symptoms, because you're
understanding that I'm havingthese PMDD symptoms whether I'm
with my partner or not.
So this helps you to avoid thisbehavior that you feel like you
have guilt about later on whenyou go off on PMDD rage.
It helps you stop actingimpulsively on PMDD rage.
It helps you stop feelingrejected and having that
(07:56):
rejective sensitivity and ithelps you stop having those up
and down moves about things thatyour partner is doing, because
you're understanding that, goinginto this relationship for this
time, for this day, I havepremenstrual dysphoric disorder
symptoms.
I have PMDD symptoms and thisis what my PMDD symptoms are and
they have nothing to do with mypartner.
When you start to recognize thatand you separate the two, you
(08:18):
start to stop.
You're starting to stop lookingat your partner like the enemy
and I know I've been there sooften where I've like your
snoring is causing me to havePMDD symptoms.
Your snoring is causing me tohave insomnia or not being able
to sleep or being fatigued when,in reality, I had fatigue
without my partner snoring, Ihave insomnia without my partner
(08:41):
snoring.
So, like you're takingownership and I know this
doesn't always feel good becauseit feels kind of, you know, the
ego feels good to blame yourPMDD symptoms on your partner.
You don't want to feel likeyou're to blame.
Remember what I always tell youPMDD is not your fault, but
it's our responsibility tomanage.
It is not your fault, but it'syour responsibility to manage.
(09:01):
This is not about where you'rehaving to blame someone, kind of
like, if it's not my partner'sfault, then it must be my fault.
It doesn't matter whose faultit is.
Get out of your mind that youneed to blame PMDD on anybody or
anything.
It doesn't matter.
Even if you do, you're stillgonna have it.
You're still gonna have tomanage your symptoms.
That's it.
And so another reason that youprobably need to detach is and
(09:22):
this happened to me when I wasdating is PMDD.
You start to confuse chemistrywith compatibility when you get
into a dating relationship andyou're talking to someone and
you start to have chemistry withthem, meaning you have these
emotional highs and lows, you'refeeling like intoxicated.
(09:42):
But for me, you have to reallyrecognize what turns you on.
This is like one of the thingsthat I had to recognize with
dating, and I don't mean it in asexual way or it could be a
sexual way.
You have to realize what turnsyou on when it comes to dating,
what attracts you to the otherperson.
For me, communication equaledchemistry and I confuse
communication and chemistry withcompatibility.
(10:04):
I confuse the fact that wecould communicate very well
meaning we had chemistry verywell, that we're compatible, we
should totally date, we shouldbe in a relationship.
That doesn't necessarily meanchemistry and communication
doesn't mean that we're actuallycompatible to be in a PMDD
relationship.
Detachment helps you see therelationship clearly in your
(10:27):
luteal phase and your follicularphase.
So when I would be in myfollicular phase and I was free
to communicate and I was free toconnect and I was free to have
all this affection, attention,validation, like physical
affection, physical touch, wasreally, really high for me in my
follicular phase.
I would feel so connected.
Based off of, you know, feelingconnected in my follicular
(10:49):
phase, like, oh, we held hands alot, if we went out and he put
his arm around me, if wecommunicated every single day
because text communication isreally big for me If we did all
that, I was like, oh, we'recompatible, we should totally be
together, was like, oh, we'recompatible, we should totally be
together.
I had to end so many datingrelationships because I would
(11:09):
get to these points where Iwould find things about us
individually and be like, wait,we're not actually compatible.
I just started to put someoneon a pedestal because they were
connecting with me with physicaltouch and words of affirmation,
which are my love languages.
So I had to kind of detach fromwhat my love languages are in
that chemistry that I wasfeeling because they were
(11:31):
connecting with the lovelanguages and actually see them
for who they are and recognizethat we're not compatible.
There were other things outsideof that that made us not
compatible, but it took thedetachment for me to recognize
that I didn't want to detach.
Honestly, when I connect withsomeone, when I attach with
someone, I'm like I'm like akoala bear, I'm like on you,
(11:54):
where I I just I put you on thispedestal.
I look at you like with theheart eye emojis.
I feel like you're my person.
I have this in me because Ifantasize.
I overly fantasize about people.
Once I feel like there're myperson.
I have this in me because Ifantasize.
I overly fantasize about people.
Once I feel like there's aconnection, once I feel like
there's an attachment, once Iattach to you, I have an ability
(12:14):
to romanticize and fantasizeabout the reality of who you are
.
Not.
I will make you feel likeyou're more than what you really
are, because in your mindyou're more than what you really
are and because in your mindyou're more than what you really
are.
I know I have this ability.
It's a trauma response for mychildhood trauma where I had
really abusive parents and Iwould make up stories in my mind
about how they I wanted them tobe.
(12:36):
In order for me to allow myselfto treat them lovingly, I had
to pretend like they were doingthings that they weren't really
doing, and so this reallytranslated into my intimate
relationships.
So I had to literally detach,stop the attachment and see the
relationship clearly.
Specifically, when I was in myluteal phase and experiencing
(12:57):
PMDD, I had to see okay, arethey really there for me, or am
I pretending that they're therefor me?
I've done this to partnersbefore in the past where I would
like oh my gosh, thank you somuch for being such a supportive
PMDD partner.
They were not a supportive PMDDpartner, but I was speaking
what I wanted to see in them andthey weren't even giving me the
(13:18):
actions towards it, and so theywould like eat it up like
Gerber.
They would literally feel likethey didn't have to do anything
extra because I was literallytelling them that they were
doing all the things, becausethat's what kept me in the
relationship, because I was ableto be delusional and pretend
like they were being supportiveand all these things.
I was attaching myself to areality that wasn't really there
(13:40):
.
But they never showed me thatthey were a supportive PMDD
partner.
But it took me detaching andstepping back and saying wait a
minute, where's the evidence?
That's what detachment reallyhelps you do, and it's a big way
to do.
It is you look for the evidencein what you're convincing
yourself of.
This works when PMDD startsmessing with your brain.
It's like you ask yourself ifPMDD is saying we're not
(14:02):
compatible.
You have to detach from thatknowledge of what PMDD is saying
and stop believing everythingthat your PMDD brain is telling
you and just really detach andsay where's the evidence of that
?
If PMDD is saying we're notcompatible, how are we not
compatible?
Like what's really going on?
When you detach, you'restopping that cognitive
(14:22):
processing of believingeverything that your PMDD brain
is saying and you're allowingyourself to look outward and see
, like maybe this isn't true,maybe everything that my PMDD
brain is telling me isn't true.
But when you're consistentlybelieving everything that your
PMDD brain is telling you, it'sgoing to take you down the
rabbit hole of making decisionsthat are based off of a false
reality in your mind.
(14:43):
Pmdd is messing with your mind,it is messing with your brain,
it is not your friend, it is aliar and it's based off of
negative cognitization.
It means it's based off ofthinking negatively.
To make it very plain andsimple, it's going to put
negativity in your brain, and soanother reason why you may have
(15:07):
to detach is to rewire youremotional addiction.
I realized very recently that Ihave an emotional addiction to
text messaging.
This was very hard for me torecognize and this kept becoming
an issue as I was datingbecause I was so emotionally
(15:29):
dependent on receiving textmessages in the morning.
A good morning text, a goodnight text, a midday text, all
of this texting, and I was likeI had to detach to figure out
why is texting such a big dealfor me?
I literally had a trauma bondon if someone didn't text me
good morning, if they weren'tconsistent with their texts.
(15:50):
If they text me good morningone day and they didn't text me
good morning another day, Iwould immediately make up a
story in my mind about howthey're mistreating me.
Like well, they're playing withmy emotions.
Why are they making me feellike this?
Like I had this emotionaldependence on their text
messages and I was addicted tothe intensity of receiving a
text message.
I would get a dopamine hit onevery single time I would get a
(16:13):
text message.
And then I got this Apple watchthat I have on today and I wear
it all the time and itliterally has like the home
screen and you can see when youhave text messages.
So I would wake up in themorning or I would have random
times in my day where if Ididn't see a text message on
there from anybody, I don't evencare if it was a spammer.
I would start to feel bad aboutmyself.
Why isn't anybody contacting me?
(16:41):
Why doesn't anybody love me?
Why doesn't anybody care aboutme.
I was catastrophizing, and whatdetachment did for me was
something that was so powerful,but it was also something that I
didn't really want to do,because I was justifying why
text messaging was so importantto me.
I'm like, oh, my love languageis words of affirmation, so I
was pretty much demanding thatanyone that I was dating would
text me, and if they didn't, Itook it as a negative thing.
(17:01):
They were twisting the knife.
I was like why won't they textme?
They're not thinking about me,maybe they're thinking about
somebody else.
I remember even one person.
I started to think that theywere cheating on me because they
weren't texting me consistentlywhich may or may not have been
the truth, I don't know but whatdetachment allowed me to do it
was literally driving me crazy.
Like I would wake up in themorning and be looking at my
phone, go to bed at night, dreamabout all these things.
(17:24):
Like it was taking over me andmy psyche and my brain,
specifically in my luteal phase,my follicular phase.
I kind of didn't bother me asmuch, but it was still there,
and that's when I was like okay,wait a minute, I need to detach
.
And what that meant for me.
(17:47):
Is it basically allowed mynervous system to stop
associating me, beingdisappointed with text messages
with connection, me receivingtext messages with connection?
I was attributing a textmessage with love.
Someone loves me if they sendme a loving text message.
No, they could just be sendingme a text message with love.
Someone loves me if they sendme a loving text message.
No, they could just be sendingme a text message that doesn't
mean they love me, they careabout me, that they're
compatible with me, that they'resupposed to be together.
And then I had to realize whatdetachment did for me.
(18:08):
It was a gift.
It was painful, it was sopainful, but I had to ask myself
why is this so important?
Detachment gave me the space toask myself why is someone
texting me so important?
Why am I associating it withlove?
Why am I associating it withvalidation?
(18:29):
Why am I feeling complete whenthey text me, incomplete when
they don't text me?
So first thing that came upwhich made complete sense and I
would have never come to thisconclusion had I not become
detached was I was in a longdistance marriage for five years
and our primary form ofcommunication was text message.
(18:53):
We would wake up in the morningwe would send a devotional.
We would text each other goodmorning my love, good morning
whatever.
On the days that everything wasgreat, we would be texting
loving things.
On the days that things werenot great, maybe one of us would
not text and that would causeso much pain, but that was like
a sign to let the other personknow we're not okay.
So basically, I was takingevery sense of where are we in
(19:19):
our relationship from the textmessage that I received.
I had become so emotionallydependent on receiving that form
of validation that when Istarted dating I started looking
at them to mirror that for me.
I was no longer in therelationship with my ex-husband
where I had that long distancesituation where I needed to rely
on the text message.
(19:39):
But I hadn't broken that traumabond within me.
It was literally a trauma bond.
I was trauma bonded to textmessaging.
I was like I need to get a text.
If I don't get a text, thenthey don't care about me, they
don't love me when some peopleare not even text people Two of
my best friends that I talk toevery single day they're not
text people and so I had toreally detach and really come to
(20:00):
that conclusion it was veryhard for me because, just like
it caused me pain to not receivetext messages consistently,
like I thought that I needed,when I did receive them, I
immediately connected andattached, did receive them.
I immediately connected andattached to someone and I was
like, oh my gosh, they textedLike I remember there was this
(20:21):
guy that I was dating and I knewthat we were not compatible.
I knew that it was not a goodfit.
But guess what?
He was a consistent texter.
He consistently texts me.
He checked in on me.
He cared about the littledetails, like all of the things
that I really value.
He consistently texts me.
He checked in on me.
He cared about the littledetails, like all of the things
that I really value.
He was like, oh, what are youhaving for breakfast?
You didn't eat.
Oh, you should really do this.
Or what are you having forlunch?
(20:42):
It'd be lunchtime and it's likeI always had a text message.
I always had somebody checkingon me and I felt so cared for, I
felt so loved.
I was completely trauma bonded,not because I was compatible
with the person, but because Iwas trauma bonded to the texting
they were doing the thing thatwas causing me to be bonded and
attached to them, and so Ioverlooked so many red flags.
(21:04):
I overlooked so many thingsthat we were not compatible with
.
And so I would ask you rightnow for me it was texting Think
to yourself what is somethingthat you value, that you kind of
require that your partner does?
Maybe it's picking up the kids,maybe it's taking out the trash
(21:24):
.
It's a very subtle thing.
What are you attached to that?
If my partner doesn't do this,I don't feel loved.
And get to the root of that.
The detachment allowed me torecognize this really didn't
even have to do with my partnerand the kind of consistency that
we had developed for those fiveyears.
(21:46):
Because I went a little bitdeeper.
I counseled myself, I didsessions with myself.
This took time and then I waslike, oh my gosh, it's deeper
than my five-year relationship.
Because then you start to thinkyou're like when you become
detached, things become veryclear.
So I was like why in the worldwould I ever be in a
relationship with someone forfive years and never live with
(22:09):
them, never be with them?
Why would I ever think thattext messaging and having random
visits was ever enough?
I desire spending time, livinglife, doing life with someone.
Why was I allowing textmessaging to be good enough for
me Like that?
That for me?
I was like that was like a mygosh.
It was like such a light bulbmoment when I was like what is
(22:32):
so impactful about words andtexting that allowed me to be
committed, to stop, to blockmyself off from being with
anybody else physically MeaningI wasn't.
I was very faithful.
I was very loyal and faithfulin my marriage.
I didn't cheat.
I didn't think about anybodyelse.
I didn't want to be withanybody else.
Like I was so attached to myex-husband that I was like I
(22:55):
will never be with anybody else,like I should just meet my
ex-husband, like that's it.
Why was?
But the bulk of our interactionand our connection was not in
person.
It was always via text.
I was like why was that everenough for me?
So I had to dig and dig and digand do the work, and just like I
do with my private clients.
This is why counseling is soimportant, because you really
(23:16):
start to understand why you dothe things that you do, why you
accept the things that youaccept, to break the patterns
that are not really serving youand working for you.
And that's when I was like ohmy gosh, this has to do with my
biological father, who was inprison for the bulk of my
childhood, and he was in prison.
I was in foster care.
For those of you who don't knowmy story, I was in foster care
(23:39):
from an age of three.
I got adopted at the age offive.
I had an open adoption and theonly way that I was able to
communicate with my fatherbecause he was in prison was
through letters.
So I was writing my fatherletters in prison and they were
practically like oh, we're goingto do this, like I would make
up stories in my mind about thekind of relationship that we
(24:00):
were going to have.
I did the same thing that I wasdoing with my partners.
I was idolizing thisrelationship via words and
making it feel like it wasreality.
My subconscious mind was takingeverything that I was texting
and turning it into reality.
Because, honestly, this is howyou can cognitively rewire your
brain, rewire your PMDD brainCognitively.
(24:22):
Your brain doesn't know thedifference between your reality
and what you visualize in yourmind.
So if you're thinking reallynegatively about your partner,
then cognitively, the reticularactivating system is gonna start
to look for things in your lifeto support the negative
thoughts that you have in yourbrain.
If you start to visualizereally positive things about
(24:43):
your partner in yourrelationship, your reticular
activating system in your brainis going to start to look for
things that support thatpositive reinforcement that you
have going on in your brain.
And so that's what starts tohappen.
I would get these text messagesthat were so loving and I would
start to visualize oh my gosh,we're so compatible.
We should totally be together.
This is my person.
This is my PMDD partner.
(25:03):
They're so amazing.
I would idolize them and putthem on the pedestal, not by any
actions that they were doing,not by any things that they were
actually showing me, but by how, how I was internalizing who
they really were in my mind,based off of the words that they
were giving me.
But this was based off of aprogramming that was in my brain
, that was built in childhood,that showed me I connect with
(25:25):
people through words.
If they tell me nice words andthey tell me words that really
are loving and nice, then I'llconnect with them.
I'll trust them.
I trusted people that neverdeserved my trust.
I poured into people that neverdeserved for me to pour my
energy into them.
They had never done anything toshow me that they were worthy,
deserving, or that they wereeven safe.
And I don't mean worthy anddeserving in an egotistical or
(25:48):
narcissistic way.
I mean they didn't show me thatthey were a safe person for me
to give my heart to, for me toopen my heart to.
But because they performed theactions of texting me or talking
to me, loving, I let all of myguard down and I just said, oh,
I can trust this person, this ismy person.
All these things I had to detachto find out if this
relationship is real or if I'mjust reacting to them texting me
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.
I'm just reacting to them doingsomething to me.
That is a love language.
That is something that isembedded in my childhood trauma.
So if you think about this inthe terms of a PMDD relationship
, if every month you feel likebreaking up with your partner,
but then you regret it a fewdays later, you're like, oh my
gosh, why did I say that to them?
Why did I say I want to breakup?
You may not know what's realand what's not.
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Detaching allows you to reallyobserve your feelings and
emotions before you react tothem over time, instead of
acting impulsively, which issomething that we tend to do
when you have premenstrualdisorder.
You feel something, you act.
You feel something, you act.
You feel something, you act.
But detachment allows you tojust observe it.
And when you start to observeyour words, and when you start
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to observe your words, when youstart to observe your emotions,
when you start to observe yourthoughts and you don't do
anything with it, it's very hardto do.
Initially.
You can.
When I talk about rewiring yourbrain, this is something that I
teach my private clients to do,but initially it's very hard
because you're like no, no, no.
I feel like you feel this urgeand this pull to react to
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certain situations because ofthe emotions and how convincing
they are and how the story thatyou tell yourself are.
It's very convincing.
And what happens is when youdetach, you see that you feel
the need to.
I want to break up.
I'm not just thinking that Iwant to break up.
I'm giving myself all of thesereasons as to why I break up.
And then, not just thinkingthat I want to break up, I'm
giving myself all of thesereasons as to why I break up,
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and then I'm feeling even moreconvinced as you're thinking
about breaking up.
You're feeling thoughts turnsinto emotions.
Then you're feeling like youwant to break up.
You're feeling claustrophobic.
You're feeling like you'rerushing and you need to make a
decision and you're like, yes, Ineed to break up, I need to get
out of here.
This is not healthy for me,this is not good for me.
Like you're making up all thesethings that are justifying a
decision that you think that youneed to make because you're in
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your luteal phase.
When you're in your lutealphase and you detach from that,
it's kind of like watching amovie and you're staring at
someone on the screen doing allof these things, but you're not
actively doing them and you'reseeing them and you're able to.
When you're looking at someonedo things, you're on the outside
, looking in, you're like that'sthe right decision.
I don't think they should havedone that.
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Well, when you're observingsomeone doing something, you
have the power to have opinionsabout it that are not actually
impacting your life becauseyou're not actually doing them
and that's the power in it.
Like you're able to observesomething without it actually
doing damage.
In your PMDD relationship, I'mactually able to observe feeling
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like I want to break up with mypartner feeling like having the
conversation about breaking up,but I haven't actually broken
up.
Therefore, there's no damage inmy PMDD relationship.
Like that's the gift in it,like I can feel myself wanting
to do it and I'm just like veryinquisitive.
You become like an investigator, you're like huh and you kind
of can.
When you develop the skill,you'll be able to even verbalize
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it Like, hmm, I feel like Iwant to break up.
That's crazy.
I started saying things and Iwill tell you my mantra that I
use every single time I knowthat PMDD is messing with my
brain.
I'll be like, oh, that's a scam, pmdd is scamming me again.
What happens is I got thisphrase and I got this mantra
that really, really helps mefrom me getting a lot of calls
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on my phone from these scammers,these scam-like lates, and at
first I was really frustrated,really irritated.
It was like a trigger for me.
Every single time I was eventhinking about changing my
number, but then I was like,well, if I change my number and
then they call me again, it'sjust going to piss me off even
more.
So I just had to sit with.
These callers are going to,these scammers are going to call
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me and there's nothing that Ican do about it and I attributed
that to PMDD.
Pmdd is going to mess with mybrain and there's nothing that I
can do about it.
At this point, I'm not tryingto do anything about it.
I'm trying to manage myreactions to what PMDD is doing.
I'm never trying to get to apoint where I don't have
intrusive thoughts or I don'thave anxiety.
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If that was my goal, I wouldconsistently be disappointed on
a monthly basis and I'llprobably be like I'm not doing
this anymore Again.
This is a scam.
So what I ended up doing waswith the, when the scammers
would call instead of me gettingso triggered, so pissed off, so
overwhelmed.
It ruined my whole day, itruined my whole vibe.
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I would just be like that's ascam, I would call it out for
what it was and I would let itgo.
I would like sometimes I woulddo it like a laugh, like with
friends and family.
If they were calling, I'd belike, oh my gosh, you guys, like
the scammers, are calling meagain.
And so when you use humor, whenyou're using this tool, it's
really, really helpful becauseyou take it, you take it lightly
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, so cognitively it doesn't do alot of damage to your brain and
your emotions.
You don't feel the need toreact to it because you're
accepting it.
And a lot of times when youhave a lot of strong emotions in
PMDD, all it wants you to do isjust to sit with the emotions
and pay attention to it.
When you try to avoid theemotions, they just come on even
more, which is how you end upin PMDD rage.
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So every single time I wouldfeel like, oh my gosh, I need to
break up.
Oh my gosh, like I would haveall of these, these emotions.
I would detach from reacting toit, I would detach from it
emotionally and I would justobserve it and I'd be like, kind
of like looking at from theoutside, looking in, like look
at that, look at that, it'strying to scam me.
It's trying to scam me.
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That's a scam and I would brushit off because I was so
detached.
I didn't feel the need to reactto it because I was detached
from it.
And I'll repeat that I didn'tfeel the need to react to it
because I was detached from it.
It didn't really bother me, Iwasn't plugged into it, I wasn't
believing it because I wasnumber one, I was kind of
expecting it.
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When you're detached, you beginto notice patterns.
You're like every single monthI have every single month
because every single day I wouldget the same calls and it'd be
like scam, likely scam.
It was like these weird numbersand so I started to expect that
the calls were going to come.
The scam calls were going tocome.
So when they came, I wasdesensitized to them, I was less
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reactive.
I'm like oh, it's anotherscammer.
So it's the same thing you dowith your PMDD brain when you
have things come up and it's athought that's negative about
your partner and you're like oh,that's a scammer.
That's not you, you are notyour thoughts.
This is something that is beingdropped into your brain and it
is up to you whether you believeit or not.
If someone came up on thestreet and told you you're a
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piece of crap, who doesn't knowyou, you would be like who do
you think you are?
Like you don't know me and youwould immediately brush it off.
You would be pissed off becausethey had the audacity to say
that to you, but you wouldn'tgenuinely think negatively about
yourself because they don'tknow anything about you.
They're just on the outsidelooking in and they're making a
comment and you would genuinely.
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When you become detached, youunderstand that everything that
someone else says has everythingto do with them and nothing to
do with you.
You are detached from feelinglike you're the cause of your
partner's actions.
You are the cause of yourpartner's feelings.
You're the cause of yourpartner's thoughts.
This was so powerful for me,for me to recognize that the way
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that my partner is treating mehas nothing to do with me and
everything to do with them.
They are pouring out to me whatthey have inside of them.
If they were depressed, if theywere angry, if they were sad,
if they were mad, those areemotions that they had inside of
them that is not a reflectionof who I've been to them or who
I am as a person.
And when I recognized that I wasless offended by things that my
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partner said or did, this setme free.
It set me free.
It set me free.
I could almost cry at the waythat I was set free from this,
because I felt like my PMDDrelationships, people that I was
dating.
It was full of arguing, it wasfull of stonewalling, it was
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full of walking on eggshells.
It was nearly impossible for meto go through my luteal phase
and manage all of these thingsthat were going on in my PMDD
relationship, and I literallydetached and was like wait a
minute, I can't manage andregulate my PMDD symptoms.
In the middle of this mess, Ineed to recognize what really
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has to do with me and what hasto do with my partner and what
has to do with the person thatI'm dating.
And this is why you have to beso careful on who you attach
yourself to, because now, whenI'm dating and I'm in
relationships and all the thingsI want to know what's going on
with you for the sake of knowingwhat I'm connecting myself to.
It's like a puzzle piece.
When you connect yourself witha partner, you're becoming a
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puzzle piece in their big, giantpuzzle and they're becoming one
in yours and you have to zoomback and detach and look at the
whole picture.
Do you want to be a part ofthis puzzle?
Do you want to be like?
What does this puzzle even mean?
What is the vision of this Like?
What kind of relationship isthis even going to be?
Detachment is what gives you thepeace and the space to really
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zoom out and say wait, what arewe building here?
You know how you have thepuzzle box and you have the big
picture on the top and you'relike, consistently putting the
pieces of the puzzles togetherto get to that big picture.
You always need to know what isthe big picture and you only
get that from detachment, fromreally looking back and saying
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what are we building here?
If you don't know what you'rebuilding, then you're going to
consistently have a lot of chaosand confusion in your PMDD
relationship.
This is why I think it's a scamwhen people are, like in the
dating world they're like Idon't know what I'm looking for,
I'm just want to go with theflow.
I don't want to go with theflow, I need to know where this
flow is going.
Like, I need to know what isyour vision, what is it that you
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want?
And I think a lot of times forme, what was so hard was people
would say that they wanted onething and then, when they got it
or they got into therelationship, they're like oh, I
don't want this.
Like, basically, in thebeginning maybe you're dating
and they're like I want arelationship, and then they may
come to terms with what itrequires and then be like oh,
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they try to like, scale back andlike basically want friends
with benefits or basically justwant to hang out or basically
just wanted to like.
They can change their mind.
But if you're still in therealms of what they initially
told you, if you do not detachfrom what they initially told
you and become cognizant of thereality of what they're now
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showing you, then you're gonnabe in a world of hurt, chaos and
confusion.
It's gonna make your PMDDsymptoms worse because a lot of
times with individuals, whatthey're telling you that they
want in the beginning is notalways what they're showing you
in the middle.
But detachment means that you'reconsistently investigating what
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is my partner showing me rightnow.
If my partner is saying thatthey want to be with me, if they
love me, if they care about me,all of these things, but
they're acting the completeopposite of it.
They don't mean that and maybethey haven't said those things
to you in a long time.
But you're so attached to whatthey told you in the beginning
that you're blinded to whatthey're showing you in the
present moment.
And detachment is what createsthat space for you to look, take
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a step back and say I challengeyou to say that right now A lot
of you are holding on torelationships, pmdd
relationships based off of whatyour partner told you in the
beginning.
Some of them may even be the ofwhat your partner told you in
the beginning.
Some of them may even be thevows that they told you when you
get married, like I vow to dothis and I'm going to be with
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you for better, for worse, andall these things.
Are they showing you that?
Take a step back, detach, notto say you have to break up, but
just detach and be able to lookat the situation objectively
and say you know what?
What is it that I want and whatis it that my partner is
showing me?
What is it that my partner isshowing me?
When I started to detach, Istarted to recognize, when my
partners were not happy in therelationship, my partner being
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happy in the relationship, beingfulfilled, being at peace.
That matters to me Just as muchas I want those things.
It matters to me.
It is the fruit of being in arelationship with me If I know
that the core of who I am ispeace, love, joy, good vibes,
good energy, good memories, allof these things.
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And I'm not producing that inmy partner if I'm not seeing
that my partner's at peace, ifI'm not seeing that my partner
is full of joy, if I'm notseeing that my partner is
content and feeling loveddetachment allows me to see that
and then I know it's a problemThen I know it's something that
we need to address, it'ssomething that we need to fix.
But if I'm living in la-la landand I'm like, oh, my partner's
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completely happy and blah, blah,blah no, they're not.
And a lot of times you don'teven want to come to the point
where you're detaching enough torecognize that your partner is
unhappy, because then you wouldhave to live with the fact that
you know that your partner'sunhappy, you're unhappy, but
you're choosing to stay in therelationship anyway.
Detachment is very bold.
Detachment takes courage.
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Detachment takes a lot ofself-awareness.
Detachment is very brave, butdetachment is a lot of
self-awareness.
Detachment is very brave, butdetachment is directly linked to
authenticity, meaning I want toknow the truth and how
authentic my relationship reallyis.
I don't want to put on a facadeand pretend I could have done
that.
I noticed that in both of mymarriages and a lot of my
relationships I could havepretended like everything was
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great, everything was good, andit was not, and it would have
caused me to suffer.
It would have caused my partnerto suffer.
But I know that they were notgoing to break up with me, that
they were not going to divorceme.
I knew that they were not goingto make that decision because
they cared a lot about theappearance and the facade of
everything.
I had to be brave enough tomake that decision for the both
of us, and right now they'reboth in relationships that I'm
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wishing the best for the both ofthem, and I know that it took
my detachment not only to lookat myself but to look at the
state of my partner.
When you're causing your partnera lot of suffering, it's very
brave of you to stop beingselfish and stop just wanting
them there just to meet yourneeds or just because you feel
safe and secure when they'rethere to be like, wait a minute,
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is my partner really happy?
And not that they're going tobe happy all the time.
I don't believe that.
Saying like if you're not happy, you should just leave.
No, there's a lot of timeswhere you're not happy in your
relationship, but if you'reconsistently working towards
being happy or working towardsthe good times, there's nothing
wrong with that.
But if you're not doing thework, and then they're not happy
and there's like no sight,there's no end in sight, there's
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no pot of gold at the end ofthe rainbow, then what are you
doing?
Because nothing is going tochange.
You're committing yourself tothe life that you're tolerating.
I'm going to say that again youare committing yourself to the
life that you are tolerating.
If you're tolerating a life ofunhappiness in your PMDD
relationship, you're committingyourself to that.
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Your commitment is no longer towhat they told you in the
beginning.
It's no longer oh, I'm going tolove you and cherish you and
honor you and protect you and beno.
Your commitment is now to thechaos, the confusion, the
suffering, the rejection, theinsecurities, the fights, all of
that.
That's what you're committingto If you're not doing anything
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to change it.
You're in a relationship withall of that mess, that crap.
And detachment allows you tosee that, because you're like
wow, this relationship is notjust an Instagram post, it's not
a Facebook post, it's not aTikTok, it's not anything that I
can post on social media andget that validation that.
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Oh my gosh, you guys areamazing.
I love that for you.
I could care less when Idetached and I really thought
about my own happiness, mypartner's own happiness.
I could have stayed and gottenall of the accolades, even for
my business.
I could have stayed and beenlike we accolades even for my
business.
I could have stayed and beenlike we're the example of a
successful PMDD relationship.
But I would have been a liar.
A liar.
I would never be able to livewith myself, and it took
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detachment to be like.
I need to be honest with myself.
This is not working.
I'm not happy.
You're not happy.
You're not willing to do thework.
I'm not happy.
You're not happy.
You're not willing to do thework.
I'm not going to force you todo anything.
I got out of the realm offeeling like I needed to force.
Detachment does that too.
When you detach, you're justlike.
You know what.
I'm going to give you theopportunity to help us to be
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better.
I can't overcompensate for whatyou're not willing to do us to
be better.
I can't overcompensate for whatyou're not willing to do.
Detachment was that gift oflifting the rose colored glasses
that I had on and seeing thesituation for what it was, and I
deserved a safe space to heal.
If my partner is not willing tolearn about PMDD or they
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constantly trigger my symptoms.
They don't have empathy, theydon't have compassion.
Detachment was the gift thatreally.
It really gives you theemotional and the physical space
needing to heal, withouttriggering yourself by demanding
that they do something thatthey have no intentions of doing
.
A lot of times, when you're notdetached and you're so attached
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to them, being a certain way,you're demanding them to do
things that they're never goingto do.
And you're not detached andyou're so attached to them being
a certain way, you're demandingthem to do things that they're
never going to do and you'reliterally telling yourself
you're not going to be happyuntil they are being a
supportive PMDD partner.
You're not going to be happyuntil they do this.
You're not going to be happyuntil they do that and they have
no intentions of doing it andthey're kind of annoyed that you
keep demanding it of thembecause they think that whatever
they're giving you, they thinkit's fine.
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They think it's fine.
And so the next thing thatdetachment allowed me to do is I
recognized the red flags that Iwas minimizing and I had so
many because I told you I hadthis kind of like trauma
response of putting someone on apedestal and making them feel
more than what they deserve tofeel.
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In my life I literally I knowthat I have the capability of
doing that.
I'm not even trying to changeit, I'm just more aware of it
now.
So when I feel myself doing it,I'm like, oh my gosh, I need to
detach and see this person forwho they really are, not who I
really want them to be.
Detachment allowed me torecognize the red flags that I
was minimizing and if I lookback on any of my past PMDD
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relationships, I saw when I wastrying to paint the red flags
green because I'm so forgiving.
I'm a very forgiving person.
I'm a very forgive and forgetperson.
Again, that's a trauma response.
My friends would be like I cantake them back after they did
this, this and this, and theywould start to say the things
that they did to me and I wouldbe like, oh yeah, I forgot about
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that, because if I forgive you,I literally forget.
Some people think that that'sgreat.
Some people think it's reallydangerous because you put
yourself back in situationswhere the person can hurt you
the same way that they didbefore and you open yourself up
again.
But in my mind I'm like, well,if I'm going to be with you, I
don't want to be holding it overyour head like a grudge.
Detachment for me is soimportant because it allows me
to see the toxic patterns, nottoxic behavior.
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I believe that people can evenhave toxic behavior.
They can have bad behavior.
I don't believe that yourpartner needs to be perfect and
never do a bad thing.
But behavior like gaslighting,narcissism, manipulation,
neglect, inconsistency.
It allowed me to see.
Detachment allowed me to see.
This is the truth.
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This is a character flaw.
It's one thing for a person tohave negative things that they
do, behaviors, but when this issomeone's character, when
they're consistently making youfeel insecure, they're
consistently making you feelunsafe.
They're consistentlygaslighting, insecure, they're
consistently making you feelunsafe.
They're consistentlygaslighting you.
They're consistently making youquestion your reality.
That's not going to change.
That's their character flaw.
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And detachment allows me to seethat If I wasn't willing to be
detached, I would have nevergotten to the point where I was
able to see that.
And I'm so grateful fordetachment, but it was so
painful in the process becausewhen you detach and you really
see a person for who they are,there's a couple of things that
can happen.
Number one.
You could be disgusted, likethere is a realm where you're
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just like, what the like?
Why in the world did I allowthat into my life?
Why did I?
And not not that as in theperson, but that treatment you.
You become disgusted atyourself, disappointed in
yourself.
Then you become a little bit.
You can become bitter andresentful for what they did to
you.
You become mad, like you have adelayed reaction.
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I can't believe I let them talkto me like that.
I can't believe I let themtreat me like that.
Go through those emotions, gothrough it.
It's horrible, it's crappy.
You can't do anything about itbecause you can't control the
past.
But you need to go through that.
You need to hold on to thatbitterness, that resentment,
that unforgiveness that you knowall of that.
No, you don't need to hold onto it, but you do need to
process it.
You do need to go through it.
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I had a lot of sessions where Iwent through it, where I was
going through each scenario thathad gone on in my PMDD
relationships and I was like andthey did this and they did this
.
I had to go through that.
I couldn't ignore it and justbrush it off.
You can't ignore and brush offthings that literally have an
emotional impact on you, thattrigger you.
You need to get to the root ofit and pluck up the root.
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Pluck up the root of everythingthat has ever triggered you,
and that takes time and thattakes work and that takes an
investment.
I invested in someone thatallowed me to do that.
Like I always say, counselorsneed counselors, therapists need
therapists.
I am not above what I'm askingyou to do as my private client
when I'm telling you, hey, weneed to work on this.
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I'm not above it, like I don'tneed.
I'm a doctor, I don't need towork on it.
No, I'm actively working on it.
I had to work on that.
I had to work on understandingwhat version of me was that that
allowed that kind of treatment?
I was disgusted.
I was like ugh, who, why?
What were you getting out of it?
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What mindset were you in whereyou thought that that was okay?
How low was your self-worththat you were in a position to
accept that?
Because that's another thingthat can happen is PMDD can
really blur your self-worth and,with how your partner treats
you, you can start to believethat you're you deserve the
treatment that you're accepting,the abuse that you're accepting
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from your partner, that you'reaccepting from your partner.
Detaching helps you reconnectwith your own needs, your own
dreams, your own values and whatyou really deserve and desire.
You get to the root of likewait a minute, what is it that I
desire?
What is it that I deserve?
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What do I bring to the table?
Who am I?
And I went through a wholeprogram.
I invested a lot oh my goshover $3,000 in this program.
But it changed my life and Ihad to rebuild myself.
I had to literally rebuild whoI am.
And there's a lot of you beatyourself up when that process,
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when you're rebuilding yourself,because you're like I can't
believe I let myself get to thispoint.
But again, you have to gothrough those emotions, you have
to go through everything thatcomes up, but you're detaching
from what you're accepting andthen you're able to see what you
deserve and you desire andyou're able to go in the
direction and then you can makea decision based off of that.
I always say make a decisionafter detachment.
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Don't make a decision whenyou're in the midst of the chaos
and confusion.
If you're wanting to break up,if you have chaos and confusion,
don't make a decision at thatpoint because you're confused,
it's chaotic.
You may regret it later on, youmay.
You know you're going to lookcrazy later on if you change
your mind.
But when you detach and you havespace and you get clarity,
that's when it's easier for youto make a decision.
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That's when it's easier for youto be like okay, because
clarity comes from distance, notdesperation, my gosh.
When you are desperate for ananswer, when you're in survival
mode, when you're like just getme out of here, I just need to
break up because I can't dealwith this anymore, that's
desperation.
That's desperation for peace.
That's desperation for peace.
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When you're feeling like youwant to break up, you're
literally saying you want tobreak up out of desperation.
But when you detach, you becomeclear and that distance means
your brain can calm down, it canshift out of survival mode, get
you out of that fight, thatflight, that freeze, that fawn
mode, all of those stressresponses, and you make
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decisions with wisdom, not withwithdrawal, not with denial, not
with delusion, which I loved todo.
I love to be delusional, Idon't know, it just felt great.
That's a trauma response whereI create this fairy tale persona
of someone in some relationshipbecause it's something that I
genuinely want, always want.
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But when I detach, I literallycut off the plug.
I don't know.
Detachment doesn't allow me tobe delusional.
Wow, that is so good.
You need to write that down.
Detachment does not allow me tobe delusional.
And the last thing that happenswhen you detach is you realize
you deserve peace, not justpassion, not just settling.
(50:52):
Prematural dysphoric disorderis already so much that you have
to handle with the ebbs andflows, the ups and downs, all of
these things that you have tomanage.
You deserve someone that isstable.
That is one thing that Inoticed that I need emotional
stability.
I can't deal with the ups anddowns.
(51:15):
I can't deal with the downs andthe downs.
I can't deal with the ups andups.
I don't want you to ever feellike you can't be open with your
emotions if you're connected tome, but I need the openness and
ups.
I don't want you to ever feellike you can't be open with your
emotions if you're connected tome, but I need the openness and
the vulnerability.
What I mean by I can't deal withthe ups and the downs, it
doesn't mean that I can't dealwith the down times.
I mean there needs to beaccountability.
There needs to be anacknowledgement, like we're not
(51:36):
painting the red flags green andpretending like everything's
great when it's not.
I need you to be in realitywith me, and that's part of the
peace is saying, hey, let's bereal with what's really going on
and let's deal with it together.
That's peace.
For me, peace is not perfection.
Oh my gosh, that's so good.
I need to write all of thesequotes down.
(51:58):
There's like so many that arejust dropping in my sphere right
now.
But peace is not perfectionwhen you have PMDD.
It's not perfection.
I'm not expecting you to beperfect.
I'm expecting you to be honest,to be open, to be vulnerable,
and that's all that I can ask.
And if you can't do that, thendetachment allows me to see that
.
And I think a lot of times whatI need to recognize and what I
(52:19):
have recognized that has broughtme a lot of peace, is maybe
you're just not there, you'rejust not on the journey of being
there, and you can't forcesomeone to be there if they're
just not in a place in theirlife where they're willing to
not even that.
They're willing.
It's just not the right time intheir journey, where they're
willing to do the work, toaccept that there's work to do,
(52:40):
to be in a place ofvulnerability which is really
strength.
Strength is not shutting downyour feelings and becoming a
shell of who you are andpretending like you're one thing
and you feel one thing andyou're not another.
That's not peace.
Peace is being open and honestand vulnerable with how you're
feeling and willing to do thework, to work through anything
that comes up, whether it's good, bad or indifferent.
And if you're not in a placewhere you're ready to do that,
(53:09):
it's just a matter of detaching.
Enough for me to get clarity oflike they're just not there and
maybe I'm there and they're not, or maybe they're there and I'm
not.
It doesn't matter.
It's not a matter of blamingand shaming or comparing or
saying who's better than theother.
But when you detach, it createsthe clarity for you to
understand the next decisionthat you need to make in your
PMDD relationship.
And if that's something whereyou're feeling like I just need
clarity, I feel like I need todetach and take some time to
(53:29):
process what decision I shouldmake in my PMDD relationship.
This is what I work with myprivate clients with.
So go to inlovewithpmddcom.
Go to the link in the shownotes and until next time we got
this.
I love you.
So let's talk detachment.
I really wanted to talk aboutthis whole realm of detaching in
PMDD relationships and whatthat basically means is a lot of
my private clients are tellingme that they want to be less
emotionally reactive to thethings that go on in their PMDD
(00:22):
relationship, meaning they wantto detach from being emotionally
triggered from things thattheir partner are doing.
And I know if you're listeningto this, you're like yes,
exactly that's what I want to do, and I just want to start off
and say that for me, when Iheard this, I was like oof,
because detachment for me isvery, very hard.
I can teach it very well, I cango through the tools, but for
(00:45):
me is very, very hard.
I can teach it very well, I cango through the tools, but for
me personally, I was sufferingwith that.
So I was like I really need todevelop the tools.
It's kind of like whenever I'mreally suffering with something
or someone, it propels me todevelop the tools specifically
for PMED.
But I was like why isdetachment so hard for me?
(01:07):
Why is it so hard?
For once, I attach to someone Ican easily attach, meaning I'm
one of those individuals where,when you get in a relationship,
when you first start dating,like I have gotten married quick
, fast, with one relationship,and one relationship I took time
(01:28):
, but I just it's kind of likethat saying like when you know,
you know, and when I feel like Iknow, I shut off all
distractions and I just committo this one person and they
become, you know, my person.
And so when things don't workout within the PMDD relationship
this is why dating was so hardfor me because I, you know, had
(01:51):
a really hard time detaching andwhat my dating mentor told me
was you attach really early andthen when it's time to detach,
like you drag it on or you, youknow, you struggle with it, or
you try not to detach.
And I've literally stayed insituations longer than I should
have because it was so hard forme to detach and I've struggled
(02:13):
with this again and again andagain, even up until recently,
just things that are just notworking.
I was like in relationship wise, like friendships and intimate
relationships, I was like whycan't I just let it go, like
it's so easy for other people tojust detach.
So I ended up buying a programthat was strictly on detachment.
(02:34):
I'm not going to say the nameof the program because I think
the program is amazing, but I doknow that I struggled a lot
with a lot of the modules.
I love courses because it helpsyou go through different
modules again and again andagain at different phases of
your life when you feel like youneed them.
So this is why this year I'vekind of been trying to develop
(02:55):
more courses, because it's kindof like the podcast If you're
going through something, youcould always go back to that
podcast episode and really getthe tools or really get the
understanding or really feelseen in that moment.
And so detachment for me waslike this thing that was so hard
because I have all of thesefeelings around disconnecting
(03:17):
myself from someone, that I'veattached myself to someone.
With Number one I may feel likeI'm leaving them when they
really need me.
I may feel like I don't know ifI should there.
I may feel like I don't know ifI should, like there's a lot of
confusion, like should I leave,should I stay?
And then it feels so final,like what if I make the wrong
decision?
What if I should really be withthem?
And then you bring PMDD intothe mix and it's like oh my gosh
(03:38):
, is this just my luteal phasetalking.
Do I really not feel like Ishould be with this person?
Or is this just my PMDD talking?
Is this my PMDD brain lying tome?
Again?
Because you know your PMDDbrain is always going to lie to
you.
It's always going to geartowards the negative, but it's
also very convincing.
You always get into that pointof where you're so convinced
about what your PMDD brain istelling you that you think it's
(04:00):
the truth.
And so I've been in thatsituation where I've been
talking to friends and familyand convincing them of things,
and it's been solely based on myluteal phase, like it's only
because of what my PMDD brain istelling me.
But I just feel like it's thetruth.
And so I'm going to talk to youtoday about detachment and why
(04:21):
you may need to detach, evenwhile you're in a PMDD
relationship.
And detachment is not aboutbeing avoided, it's not about
shutting down, it's not aboutnot connecting with your partner
.
It's about detaching from theemotional reactivity of what's
going on in your PMDDrelationship, and what that
means is, when you detach,you're just creating space.
(04:43):
And so that's how I had to lookat it.
I had to look at it that I'mnot shutting myself down, I'm
not shutting off, I'm notstonewalling, which is very you
know, that's abusive.
I'm creating space between myPMDD symptoms and my PMDD brain
and my partner's behavior or theindividual that I'm dating
their behavior and my partner'sbehavior or the individual that
(05:05):
I'm dating their behavior.
What this means is, a lot oftimes there are things that your
partner does will do thattrigger you on a monthly basis
Someone that you're dating.
There's things that they dothat trigger you, and when
you're in your luteal phase,you're already hypersensitive to
rejection.
You're already, you know, youmay have anxiety, you may have
(05:25):
depression, you may have all ofthese symptoms that have nothing
to do with your partner.
What detachment does is itseparates you blaming your
symptoms that you have on theactions or reactions of your
partner and their behavior.
Because when you mix themtogether and you're attached,
(05:47):
then when you have PMDD symptoms, you're looking for someone to
blame or you're looking for somethings to blame and you
automatically are like, oh, it'sthe relationship or oh, it's my
PMDD partner.
I'm having anxiety because ofmy PMDD partner.
Or I'm having depression becauseof my PMDD partner, or I'm
having misophonia, which is asensitivity to depression,
because of my PMDD partner, orI'm having misophonia, which is
(06:09):
a sensitivity to noise becauseof my PMDD partner, without
really detaching and realizingthat you have had these symptoms
before you were even incommunication or contact with
your partner.
This is why I started to do myPMDD partner's morning routine
years ago because it allowed meto separate what I was suffering
with in PMDD and my partner.
I would wake up in the morningbefore my partner even woke up
(06:30):
or be separate from my partnerduring the mornings to check in
with myself.
Because if I got up in themorning and my partner started
making noise the fact that Ihave a sensitivity to noise in
my luteal phase I would be like,oh, it's your fault that I'm
suffering in PMDD because you'remaking a lot of noise.
No, if I'm waking up in themorning and I'm having time and
(06:51):
space on my own and I'mdetaching from anything that my
partner is doing, I'm able torecognize I have a sensitivity
to noise, I have misophoniaright.
Or I'm able to recognize I'mfeeling a lot of anxiety this
morning, or I'm able torecognize I'm feeling a lot of
depression this morning, likeI'm feeling sad, I'm feeling low
, I'm feeling fatigued.
I am able to recognize mypremenstrual disorder symptoms
(07:15):
separate from my partner'sbehavior.
So that means they cannot becausing it if I already have it.
It is a pre-existing condition.
Therefore, it gets me out ofthe realm of blaming and shaming
them for the suffering that Iwas already going to experience
whether I interacted with themor not.
So when you're detaching,you're breaking the cycle of
(07:36):
blaming your partner for yourPMDD symptoms, because you're
understanding that I'm havingthese PMDD symptoms whether I'm
with my partner or not.
So this helps you to avoid thisbehavior that you feel like you
have guilt about later on whenyou go off on PMDD rage.
It helps you stop actingimpulsively on PMDD rage.
It helps you stop feelingrejected and having that
(07:56):
rejective sensitivity and ithelps you stop having those up
and down moves about things thatyour partner is doing, because
you're understanding that, goinginto this relationship for this
time, for this day, I havepremenstrual dysphoric disorder
symptoms.
I have PMDD symptoms and thisis what my PMDD symptoms are and
they have nothing to do with mypartner.
When you start to recognize thatand you separate the two, you
(08:18):
start to stop.
You're starting to stop lookingat your partner like the enemy
and I know I've been there sooften where I've like your
snoring is causing me to havePMDD symptoms.
Your snoring is causing me tohave insomnia or not being able
to sleep or being fatigued when,in reality, I had fatigue
without my partner snoring, Ihave insomnia without my partner
(08:41):
snoring.
So, like you're takingownership and I know this
doesn't always feel good becauseit feels kind of, you know, the
ego feels good to blame yourPMDD symptoms on your partner.
You don't want to feel likeyou're to blame.
Remember what I always tell youPMDD is not your fault, but
it's our responsibility tomanage.
It is not your fault, but it'syour responsibility to manage.
(09:01):
This is not about where you'rehaving to blame someone, kind of
like, if it's not my partner'sfault, then it must be my fault.
It doesn't matter whose faultit is.
Get out of your mind that youneed to blame PMDD on anybody or
anything.
It doesn't matter.
Even if you do, you're stillgonna have it.
You're still gonna have tomanage your symptoms.
That's it.
And so another reason that youprobably need to detach is and
(09:22):
this happened to me when I wasdating is PMDD.
You start to confuse chemistrywith compatibility when you get
into a dating relationship andyou're talking to someone and
you start to have chemistry withthem, meaning you have these
emotional highs and lows, you'refeeling like intoxicated.
(09:42):
But for me, you have to reallyrecognize what turns you on.
This is like one of the thingsthat I had to recognize with
dating, and I don't mean it in asexual way or it could be a
sexual way.
You have to realize what turnsyou on when it comes to dating,
what attracts you to the otherperson.
For me, communication equaledchemistry and I confuse
communication and chemistry withcompatibility.
(10:04):
I confuse the fact that wecould communicate very well
meaning we had chemistry verywell, that we're compatible, we
should totally date, we shouldbe in a relationship.
That doesn't necessarily meanchemistry and communication
doesn't mean that we're actuallycompatible to be in a PMDD
relationship.
Detachment helps you see therelationship clearly in your
(10:27):
luteal phase and your follicularphase.
So when I would be in myfollicular phase and I was free
to communicate and I was free toconnect and I was free to have
all this affection, attention,validation, like physical
affection, physical touch, wasreally, really high for me in my
follicular phase.
I would feel so connected.
Based off of, you know, feelingconnected in my follicular
(10:49):
phase, like, oh, we held hands alot, if we went out and he put
his arm around me, if wecommunicated every single day
because text communication isreally big for me If we did all
that, I was like, oh, we'recompatible, we should totally be
together, was like, oh, we'recompatible, we should totally be
together.
I had to end so many datingrelationships because I would
(11:09):
get to these points where Iwould find things about us
individually and be like, wait,we're not actually compatible.
I just started to put someoneon a pedestal because they were
connecting with me with physicaltouch and words of affirmation,
which are my love languages.
So I had to kind of detach fromwhat my love languages are in
that chemistry that I wasfeeling because they were
(11:31):
connecting with the lovelanguages and actually see them
for who they are and recognizethat we're not compatible.
There were other things outsideof that that made us not
compatible, but it took thedetachment for me to recognize
that I didn't want to detach.
Honestly, when I connect withsomeone, when I attach with
someone, I'm like I'm like akoala bear, I'm like on you,
(11:54):
where I I just I put you on thispedestal.
I look at you like with theheart eye emojis.
I feel like you're my person.
I have this in me because Ifantasize.
I overly fantasize about people.
Once I feel like there're myperson.
I have this in me because Ifantasize.
I overly fantasize about people.
Once I feel like there's aconnection, once I feel like
there's an attachment, once Iattach to you, I have an ability
(12:14):
to romanticize and fantasizeabout the reality of who you are
.
Not.
I will make you feel likeyou're more than what you really
are, because in your mindyou're more than what you really
are and because in your mindyou're more than what you really
are.
I know I have this ability.
It's a trauma response for mychildhood trauma where I had
really abusive parents and Iwould make up stories in my mind
about how they I wanted them tobe.
(12:36):
In order for me to allow myselfto treat them lovingly, I had
to pretend like they were doingthings that they weren't really
doing, and so this reallytranslated into my intimate
relationships.
So I had to literally detach,stop the attachment and see the
relationship clearly.
Specifically, when I was in myluteal phase and experiencing
(12:57):
PMDD, I had to see okay, arethey really there for me, or am
I pretending that they're therefor me?
I've done this to partnersbefore in the past where I would
like oh my gosh, thank you somuch for being such a supportive
PMDD partner.
They were not a supportive PMDDpartner, but I was speaking
what I wanted to see in them andthey weren't even giving me the
(13:18):
actions towards it, and so theywould like eat it up like
Gerber.
They would literally feel likethey didn't have to do anything
extra because I was literallytelling them that they were
doing all the things, becausethat's what kept me in the
relationship, because I was ableto be delusional and pretend
like they were being supportiveand all these things.
I was attaching myself to areality that wasn't really there
(13:40):
.
But they never showed me thatthey were a supportive PMDD
partner.
But it took me detaching andstepping back and saying wait a
minute, where's the evidence?
That's what detachment reallyhelps you do, and it's a big way
to do.
It is you look for the evidencein what you're convincing
yourself of.
This works when PMDD startsmessing with your brain.
It's like you ask yourself ifPMDD is saying we're not
(14:02):
compatible.
You have to detach from thatknowledge of what PMDD is saying
and stop believing everythingthat your PMDD brain is telling
you and just really detach andsay where's the evidence of that
?
If PMDD is saying we're notcompatible, how are we not
compatible?
Like what's really going on?
When you detach, you'restopping that cognitive
(14:22):
processing of believingeverything that your PMDD brain
is saying and you're allowingyourself to look outward and see
, like maybe this isn't true,maybe everything that my PMDD
brain is telling me isn't true.
But when you're consistentlybelieving everything that your
PMDD brain is telling you, it'sgoing to take you down the
rabbit hole of making decisionsthat are based off of a false
reality in your mind.
(14:43):
Pmdd is messing with your mind,it is messing with your brain,
it is not your friend, it is aliar and it's based off of
negative cognitization.
It means it's based off ofthinking negatively.
To make it very plain andsimple, it's going to put
negativity in your brain, and soanother reason why you may have
(15:07):
to detach is to rewire youremotional addiction.
I realized very recently that Ihave an emotional addiction to
text messaging.
This was very hard for me torecognize and this kept becoming
an issue as I was datingbecause I was so emotionally
(15:29):
dependent on receiving textmessages in the morning.
A good morning text, a goodnight text, a midday text, all
of this texting, and I was likeI had to detach to figure out
why is texting such a big dealfor me?
I literally had a trauma bondon if someone didn't text me
good morning, if they weren'tconsistent with their texts.
(15:50):
If they text me good morningone day and they didn't text me
good morning another day, Iwould immediately make up a
story in my mind about howthey're mistreating me.
Like well, they're playing withmy emotions.
Why are they making me feellike this?
Like I had this emotionaldependence on their text
messages and I was addicted tothe intensity of receiving a
text message.
I would get a dopamine hit onevery single time I would get a
(16:13):
text message.
And then I got this Apple watchthat I have on today and I wear
it all the time and itliterally has like the home
screen and you can see when youhave text messages.
So I would wake up in themorning or I would have random
times in my day where if Ididn't see a text message on
there from anybody, I don't evencare if it was a spammer.
I would start to feel bad aboutmyself.
Why isn't anybody contacting me?
(16:41):
Why doesn't anybody love me?
Why doesn't anybody care aboutme.
I was catastrophizing, and whatdetachment did for me was
something that was so powerful,but it was also something that I
didn't really want to do,because I was justifying why
text messaging was so importantto me.
I'm like, oh, my love languageis words of affirmation, so I
was pretty much demanding thatanyone that I was dating would
text me, and if they didn't, Itook it as a negative thing.
(17:01):
They were twisting the knife.
I was like why won't they textme?
They're not thinking about me,maybe they're thinking about
somebody else.
I remember even one person.
I started to think that theywere cheating on me because they
weren't texting me consistentlywhich may or may not have been
the truth, I don't know but whatdetachment allowed me to do it
was literally driving me crazy.
Like I would wake up in themorning and be looking at my
phone, go to bed at night, dreamabout all these things.
(17:24):
Like it was taking over me andmy psyche and my brain,
specifically in my luteal phase,my follicular phase.
I kind of didn't bother me asmuch, but it was still there,
and that's when I was like okay,wait a minute, I need to detach
.
And what that meant for me.
(17:47):
Is it basically allowed mynervous system to stop
associating me, beingdisappointed with text messages
with connection, me receivingtext messages with connection?
I was attributing a textmessage with love.
Someone loves me if they sendme a loving text message.
No, they could just be sendingme a text message with love.
Someone loves me if they sendme a loving text message.
No, they could just be sendingme a text message that doesn't
mean they love me, they careabout me, that they're
compatible with me, that they'resupposed to be together.
And then I had to realize whatdetachment did for me.
(18:08):
It was a gift.
It was painful, it was sopainful, but I had to ask myself
why is this so important?
Detachment gave me the space toask myself why is someone
texting me so important?
Why am I associating it withlove?
Why am I associating it withvalidation?
(18:29):
Why am I feeling complete whenthey text me, incomplete when
they don't text me?
So first thing that came upwhich made complete sense and I
would have never come to thisconclusion had I not become
detached was I was in a longdistance marriage for five years
and our primary form ofcommunication was text message.
(18:53):
We would wake up in the morningwe would send a devotional.
We would text each other goodmorning my love, good morning
whatever.
On the days that everything wasgreat, we would be texting
loving things.
On the days that things werenot great, maybe one of us would
not text and that would causeso much pain, but that was like
a sign to let the other personknow we're not okay.
So basically, I was takingevery sense of where are we in
(19:19):
our relationship from the textmessage that I received.
I had become so emotionallydependent on receiving that form
of validation that when Istarted dating I started looking
at them to mirror that for me.
I was no longer in therelationship with my ex-husband
where I had that long distancesituation where I needed to rely
on the text message.
(19:39):
But I hadn't broken that traumabond within me.
It was literally a trauma bond.
I was trauma bonded to textmessaging.
I was like I need to get a text.
If I don't get a text, thenthey don't care about me, they
don't love me when some peopleare not even text people Two of
my best friends that I talk toevery single day they're not
text people and so I had toreally detach and really come to
(20:00):
that conclusion it was veryhard for me because, just like
it caused me pain to not receivetext messages consistently,
like I thought that I needed,when I did receive them, I
immediately connected andattached, did receive them.
I immediately connected andattached to someone and I was
like, oh my gosh, they textedLike I remember there was this
(20:21):
guy that I was dating and I knewthat we were not compatible.
I knew that it was not a goodfit.
But guess what?
He was a consistent texter.
He consistently texts me.
He checked in on me.
He cared about the littledetails, like all of the things
that I really value.
He consistently texts me.
He checked in on me.
He cared about the littledetails, like all of the things
that I really value.
He was like, oh, what are youhaving for breakfast?
You didn't eat.
Oh, you should really do this.
Or what are you having forlunch?
(20:42):
It'd be lunchtime and it's likeI always had a text message.
I always had somebody checkingon me and I felt so cared for, I
felt so loved.
I was completely trauma bonded,not because I was compatible
with the person, but because Iwas trauma bonded to the texting
they were doing the thing thatwas causing me to be bonded and
attached to them, and so Ioverlooked so many red flags.
(21:04):
I overlooked so many thingsthat we were not compatible with
.
And so I would ask you rightnow for me it was texting Think
to yourself what is somethingthat you value, that you kind of
require that your partner does?
Maybe it's picking up the kids,maybe it's taking out the trash
(21:24):
.
It's a very subtle thing.
What are you attached to that?
If my partner doesn't do this,I don't feel loved.
And get to the root of that.
The detachment allowed me torecognize this really didn't
even have to do with my partnerand the kind of consistency that
we had developed for those fiveyears.
(21:46):
Because I went a little bitdeeper.
I counseled myself, I didsessions with myself.
This took time and then I waslike, oh my gosh, it's deeper
than my five-year relationship.
Because then you start to thinkyou're like when you become
detached, things become veryclear.
So I was like why in the worldwould I ever be in a
relationship with someone forfive years and never live with
(22:09):
them, never be with them?
Why would I ever think thattext messaging and having random
visits was ever enough?
I desire spending time, livinglife, doing life with someone.
Why was I allowing textmessaging to be good enough for
me Like that?
That for me?
I was like that was like a mygosh.
It was like such a light bulbmoment when I was like what is
(22:32):
so impactful about words andtexting that allowed me to be
committed, to stop, to blockmyself off from being with
anybody else physically MeaningI wasn't.
I was very faithful.
I was very loyal and faithfulin my marriage.
I didn't cheat.
I didn't think about anybodyelse.
I didn't want to be withanybody else.
Like I was so attached to myex-husband that I was like I
(22:55):
will never be with anybody else,like I should just meet my
ex-husband, like that's it.
Why was?
But the bulk of our interactionand our connection was not in
person.
It was always via text.
I was like why was that everenough for me?
So I had to dig and dig and digand do the work, and just like I
do with my private clients.
This is why counseling is soimportant, because you really
(23:16):
start to understand why you dothe things that you do, why you
accept the things that youaccept, to break the patterns
that are not really serving youand working for you.
And that's when I was like ohmy gosh, this has to do with my
biological father, who was inprison for the bulk of my
childhood, and he was in prison.
I was in foster care.
For those of you who don't knowmy story, I was in foster care
(23:39):
from an age of three.
I got adopted at the age offive.
I had an open adoption and theonly way that I was able to
communicate with my fatherbecause he was in prison was
through letters.
So I was writing my fatherletters in prison and they were
practically like oh, we're goingto do this, like I would make
up stories in my mind about thekind of relationship that we
(24:00):
were going to have.
I did the same thing that I wasdoing with my partners.
I was idolizing thisrelationship via words and
making it feel like it wasreality.
My subconscious mind was takingeverything that I was texting
and turning it into reality.
Because, honestly, this is howyou can cognitively rewire your
brain, rewire your PMDD brainCognitively.
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Your brain doesn't know thedifference between your reality
and what you visualize in yourmind.
So if you're thinking reallynegatively about your partner,
then cognitively, the reticularactivating system is gonna start
to look for things in your lifeto support the negative
thoughts that you have in yourbrain.
If you start to visualizereally positive things about
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your partner in yourrelationship, your reticular
activating system in your brainis going to start to look for
things that support thatpositive reinforcement that you
have going on in your brain.
And so that's what starts tohappen.
I would get these text messagesthat were so loving and I would
start to visualize oh my gosh,we're so compatible.
We should totally be together.
This is my person.
This is my PMDD partner.
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They're so amazing.
I would idolize them and putthem on the pedestal, not by any
actions that they were doing,not by any things that they were
actually showing me, but by how, how I was internalizing who
they really were in my mind,based off of the words that they
were giving me.
But this was based off of aprogramming that was in my brain
, that was built in childhood,that showed me I connect with
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people through words.
If they tell me nice words andthey tell me words that really
are loving and nice, then I'llconnect with them.
I'll trust them.
I trusted people that neverdeserved my trust.
I poured into people that neverdeserved for me to pour my
energy into them.
They had never done anything toshow me that they were worthy,
deserving, or that they wereeven safe.
And I don't mean worthy anddeserving in an egotistical or
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narcissistic way.
I mean they didn't show me thatthey were a safe person for me
to give my heart to, for me toopen my heart to.
But because they performed theactions of texting me or talking
to me, loving, I let all of myguard down and I just said, oh,
I can trust this person, this ismy person.
All these things I had to detachto find out if this
relationship is real or if I'mjust reacting to them texting me
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.
I'm just reacting to them doingsomething to me.
That is a love language.
That is something that isembedded in my childhood trauma.
So if you think about this inthe terms of a PMDD relationship
, if every month you feel likebreaking up with your partner,
but then you regret it a fewdays later, you're like, oh my
gosh, why did I say that to them?
Why did I say I want to breakup?
You may not know what's realand what's not.
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Detaching allows you to reallyobserve your feelings and
emotions before you react tothem over time, instead of
acting impulsively, which issomething that we tend to do
when you have premenstrualdisorder.
You feel something, you act.
You feel something, you act.
You feel something, you act.
But detachment allows you tojust observe it.
And when you start to observeyour words, and when you start
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to observe your words, when youstart to observe your emotions,
when you start to observe yourthoughts and you don't do
anything with it, it's very hardto do.
Initially.
You can.
When I talk about rewiring yourbrain, this is something that I
teach my private clients to do,but initially it's very hard
because you're like no, no, no.
I feel like you feel this urgeand this pull to react to
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certain situations because ofthe emotions and how convincing
they are and how the story thatyou tell yourself are.
It's very convincing.
And what happens is when youdetach, you see that you feel
the need to.
I want to break up.
I'm not just thinking that Iwant to break up.
I'm giving myself all of thesereasons as to why I break up.
And then, not just thinkingthat I want to break up, I'm
giving myself all of thesereasons as to why I break up,
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and then I'm feeling even moreconvinced as you're thinking
about breaking up.
You're feeling thoughts turnsinto emotions.
Then you're feeling like youwant to break up.
You're feeling claustrophobic.
You're feeling like you'rerushing and you need to make a
decision and you're like, yes, Ineed to break up, I need to get
out of here.
This is not healthy for me,this is not good for me.
Like you're making up all thesethings that are justifying a
decision that you think that youneed to make because you're in
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your luteal phase.
When you're in your lutealphase and you detach from that,
it's kind of like watching amovie and you're staring at
someone on the screen doing allof these things, but you're not
actively doing them and you'reseeing them and you're able to.
When you're looking at someonedo things, you're on the outside
, looking in, you're like that'sthe right decision.
I don't think they should havedone that.
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Well, when you're observingsomeone doing something, you
have the power to have opinionsabout it that are not actually
impacting your life becauseyou're not actually doing them
and that's the power in it.
Like you're able to observesomething without it actually
doing damage.
In your PMDD relationship, I'mactually able to observe feeling
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like I want to break up with mypartner feeling like having the
conversation about breaking up,but I haven't actually broken
up.
Therefore, there's no damage inmy PMDD relationship.
Like that's the gift in it,like I can feel myself wanting
to do it and I'm just like veryinquisitive.
You become like an investigator, you're like huh and you kind
of can.
When you develop the skill,you'll be able to even verbalize
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it Like, hmm, I feel like Iwant to break up.
That's crazy.
I started saying things and Iwill tell you my mantra that I
use every single time I knowthat PMDD is messing with my
brain.
I'll be like, oh, that's a scam, pmdd is scamming me again.
What happens is I got thisphrase and I got this mantra
that really, really helps mefrom me getting a lot of calls
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on my phone from these scammers,these scam-like lates, and at
first I was really frustrated,really irritated.
It was like a trigger for me.
Every single time I was eventhinking about changing my
number, but then I was like,well, if I change my number and
then they call me again, it'sjust going to piss me off even
more.
So I just had to sit with.
These callers are going to,these scammers are going to call
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me and there's nothing that Ican do about it and I attributed
that to PMDD.
Pmdd is going to mess with mybrain and there's nothing that I
can do about it.
At this point, I'm not tryingto do anything about it.
I'm trying to manage myreactions to what PMDD is doing.
I'm never trying to get to apoint where I don't have
intrusive thoughts or I don'thave anxiety.
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If that was my goal, I wouldconsistently be disappointed on
a monthly basis and I'llprobably be like I'm not doing
this anymore Again.
This is a scam.
So what I ended up doing waswith the, when the scammers
would call instead of me gettingso triggered, so pissed off, so
overwhelmed.
It ruined my whole day, itruined my whole vibe.
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I would just be like that's ascam, I would call it out for
what it was and I would let itgo.
I would like sometimes I woulddo it like a laugh, like with
friends and family.
If they were calling, I'd belike, oh my gosh, you guys, like
the scammers, are calling meagain.
And so when you use humor, whenyou're using this tool, it's
really, really helpful becauseyou take it, you take it lightly
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, so cognitively it doesn't do alot of damage to your brain and
your emotions.
You don't feel the need toreact to it because you're
accepting it.
And a lot of times when youhave a lot of strong emotions in
PMDD, all it wants you to do isjust to sit with the emotions
and pay attention to it.
When you try to avoid theemotions, they just come on even
more, which is how you end upin PMDD rage.
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So every single time I wouldfeel like, oh my gosh, I need to
break up.
Oh my gosh, like I would haveall of these, these emotions.
I would detach from reacting toit, I would detach from it
emotionally and I would justobserve it and I'd be like, kind
of like looking at from theoutside, looking in, like look
at that, look at that, it'strying to scam me.
It's trying to scam me.
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That's a scam and I would brushit off because I was so
detached.
I didn't feel the need to reactto it because I was detached
from it.
And I'll repeat that I didn'tfeel the need to react to it
because I was detached from it.
It didn't really bother me, Iwasn't plugged into it, I wasn't
believing it because I wasnumber one, I was kind of
expecting it.
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When you're detached, you beginto notice patterns.
You're like every single monthI have every single month
because every single day I wouldget the same calls and it'd be
like scam, likely scam.
It was like these weird numbersand so I started to expect that
the calls were going to come.
The scam calls were going tocome.
So when they came, I wasdesensitized to them, I was less
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reactive.
I'm like oh, it's anotherscammer.
So it's the same thing you dowith your PMDD brain when you
have things come up and it's athought that's negative about
your partner and you're like oh,that's a scammer.
That's not you, you are notyour thoughts.
This is something that is beingdropped into your brain and it
is up to you whether you believeit or not.
If someone came up on thestreet and told you you're a
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piece of crap, who doesn't knowyou, you would be like who do
you think you are?
Like you don't know me and youwould immediately brush it off.
You would be pissed off becausethey had the audacity to say
that to you, but you wouldn'tgenuinely think negatively about
yourself because they don'tknow anything about you.
They're just on the outsidelooking in and they're making a
comment and you would genuinely.
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When you become detached, youunderstand that everything that
someone else says has everythingto do with them and nothing to
do with you.
You are detached from feelinglike you're the cause of your
partner's actions.
You are the cause of yourpartner's feelings.
You're the cause of yourpartner's thoughts.
This was so powerful for me,for me to recognize that the way
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that my partner is treating mehas nothing to do with me and
everything to do with them.
They are pouring out to me whatthey have inside of them.
If they were depressed, if theywere angry, if they were sad,
if they were mad, those areemotions that they had inside of
them that is not a reflectionof who I've been to them or who
I am as a person.
And when I recognized that I wasless offended by things that my
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partner said or did, this setme free.
It set me free.
It set me free.
I could almost cry at the waythat I was set free from this,
because I felt like my PMDDrelationships, people that I was
dating.
It was full of arguing, it wasfull of stonewalling, it was
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full of walking on eggshells.
It was nearly impossible for meto go through my luteal phase
and manage all of these thingsthat were going on in my PMDD
relationship, and I literallydetached and was like wait a
minute, I can't manage andregulate my PMDD symptoms.
In the middle of this mess, Ineed to recognize what really
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has to do with me and what hasto do with my partner and what
has to do with the person thatI'm dating.
And this is why you have to beso careful on who you attach
yourself to, because now, whenI'm dating and I'm in
relationships and all the thingsI want to know what's going on
with you for the sake of knowingwhat I'm connecting myself to.
It's like a puzzle piece.
When you connect yourself witha partner, you're becoming a
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puzzle piece in their big, giantpuzzle and they're becoming one
in yours and you have to zoomback and detach and look at the
whole picture.
Do you want to be a part ofthis puzzle?
Do you want to be like?
What does this puzzle even mean?
What is the vision of this Like?
What kind of relationship isthis even going to be?
Detachment is what gives you thepeace and the space to really
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zoom out and say wait, what arewe building here?
You know how you have thepuzzle box and you have the big
picture on the top and you'relike, consistently putting the
pieces of the puzzles togetherto get to that big picture.
You always need to know what isthe big picture and you only
get that from detachment, fromreally looking back and saying
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what are we building here?
If you don't know what you'rebuilding, then you're going to
consistently have a lot of chaosand confusion in your PMDD
relationship.
This is why I think it's a scamwhen people are, like in the
dating world they're like Idon't know what I'm looking for,
I'm just want to go with theflow.
I don't want to go with theflow, I need to know where this
flow is going.
Like, I need to know what isyour vision, what is it that you
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want?
And I think a lot of times forme, what was so hard was people
would say that they wanted onething and then, when they got it
or they got into therelationship, they're like oh, I
don't want this.
Like, basically, in thebeginning maybe you're dating
and they're like I want arelationship, and then they may
come to terms with what itrequires and then be like oh,
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they try to like, scale back andlike basically want friends
with benefits or basically justwant to hang out or basically
just wanted to like.
They can change their mind.
But if you're still in therealms of what they initially
told you, if you do not detachfrom what they initially told
you and become cognizant of thereality of what they're now
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showing you, then you're gonnabe in a world of hurt, chaos and
confusion.
It's gonna make your PMDDsymptoms worse because a lot of
times with individuals, whatthey're telling you that they
want in the beginning is notalways what they're showing you
in the middle.
But detachment means that you'reconsistently investigating what
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is my partner showing me rightnow.
If my partner is saying thatthey want to be with me, if they
love me, if they care about me,all of these things, but
they're acting the completeopposite of it.
They don't mean that and maybethey haven't said those things
to you in a long time.
But you're so attached to whatthey told you in the beginning
that you're blinded to whatthey're showing you in the
present moment.
And detachment is what createsthat space for you to look, take
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a step back and say I challengeyou to say that right now A lot
of you are holding on torelationships, pmdd
relationships based off of whatyour partner told you in the
beginning.
Some of them may even be the ofwhat your partner told you in
the beginning.
Some of them may even be thevows that they told you when you
get married, like I vow to dothis and I'm going to be with
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you for better, for worse, andall these things.
Are they showing you that?
Take a step back, detach, notto say you have to break up, but
just detach and be able to lookat the situation objectively
and say you know what?
What is it that I want and whatis it that my partner is
showing me?
What is it that my partner isshowing me?
When I started to detach, Istarted to recognize, when my
partners were not happy in therelationship, my partner being
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happy in the relationship, beingfulfilled, being at peace.
That matters to me Just as muchas I want those things.
It matters to me.
It is the fruit of being in arelationship with me If I know
that the core of who I am ispeace, love, joy, good vibes,
good energy, good memories, allof these things.
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And I'm not producing that inmy partner if I'm not seeing
that my partner's at peace, ifI'm not seeing that my partner
is full of joy, if I'm notseeing that my partner is
content and feeling loveddetachment allows me to see that
and then I know it's a problemThen I know it's something that
we need to address, it'ssomething that we need to fix.
But if I'm living in la-la landand I'm like, oh, my partner's
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completely happy and blah, blah,blah no, they're not.
And a lot of times you don'teven want to come to the point
where you're detaching enough torecognize that your partner is
unhappy, because then you wouldhave to live with the fact that
you know that your partner'sunhappy, you're unhappy, but
you're choosing to stay in therelationship anyway.
Detachment is very bold.
Detachment takes courage.
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Detachment takes a lot ofself-awareness.
Detachment is very brave, butdetachment is a lot of
self-awareness.
Detachment is very brave, butdetachment is directly linked to
authenticity, meaning I want toknow the truth and how
authentic my relationship reallyis.
I don't want to put on a facadeand pretend I could have done
that.
I noticed that in both of mymarriages and a lot of my
relationships I could havepretended like everything was
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great, everything was good, andit was not, and it would have
caused me to suffer.
It would have caused my partnerto suffer.
But I know that they were notgoing to break up with me, that
they were not going to divorceme.
I knew that they were not goingto make that decision because
they cared a lot about theappearance and the facade of
everything.
I had to be brave enough tomake that decision for the both
of us, and right now they'reboth in relationships that I'm
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wishing the best for the both ofthem, and I know that it took
my detachment not only to lookat myself but to look at the
state of my partner.
When you're causing your partnera lot of suffering, it's very
brave of you to stop beingselfish and stop just wanting
them there just to meet yourneeds or just because you feel
safe and secure when they'rethere to be like, wait a minute,
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is my partner really happy?
And not that they're going tobe happy all the time.
I don't believe that.
Saying like if you're not happy, you should just leave.
No, there's a lot of timeswhere you're not happy in your
relationship, but if you'reconsistently working towards
being happy or working towardsthe good times, there's nothing
wrong with that.
But if you're not doing thework, and then they're not happy
and there's like no sight,there's no end in sight, there's
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no pot of gold at the end ofthe rainbow, then what are you
doing?
Because nothing is going tochange.
You're committing yourself tothe life that you're tolerating.
I'm going to say that again youare committing yourself to the
life that you are tolerating.
If you're tolerating a life ofunhappiness in your PMDD
relationship, you're committingyourself to that.
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Your commitment is no longer towhat they told you in the
beginning.
It's no longer oh, I'm going tolove you and cherish you and
honor you and protect you and beno.
Your commitment is now to thechaos, the confusion, the
suffering, the rejection, theinsecurities, the fights, all of
that.
That's what you're committingto If you're not doing anything
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to change it.
You're in a relationship withall of that mess, that crap.
And detachment allows you tosee that, because you're like
wow, this relationship is notjust an Instagram post, it's not
a Facebook post, it's not aTikTok, it's not anything that I
can post on social media andget that validation that.
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Oh my gosh, you guys areamazing.
I love that for you.
I could care less when Idetached and I really thought
about my own happiness, mypartner's own happiness.
I could have stayed and gottenall of the accolades, even for
my business.
I could have stayed and beenlike we accolades even for my
business.
I could have stayed and beenlike we're the example of a
successful PMDD relationship.
But I would have been a liar.
A liar.
I would never be able to livewith myself, and it took
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detachment to be like.
I need to be honest with myself.
This is not working.
I'm not happy.
You're not happy.
You're not willing to do thework.
I'm not happy.
You're not happy.
You're not willing to do thework.
I'm not going to force you todo anything.
I got out of the realm offeeling like I needed to force.
Detachment does that too.
When you detach, you're justlike.
You know what.
I'm going to give you theopportunity to help us to be
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better.
I can't overcompensate for whatyou're not willing to do us to
be better.
I can't overcompensate for whatyou're not willing to do.
Detachment was that gift oflifting the rose colored glasses
that I had on and seeing thesituation for what it was, and I
deserved a safe space to heal.
If my partner is not willing tolearn about PMDD or they
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constantly trigger my symptoms.
They don't have empathy, theydon't have compassion.
Detachment was the gift thatreally.
It really gives you theemotional and the physical space
needing to heal, withouttriggering yourself by demanding
that they do something thatthey have no intentions of doing
.
A lot of times, when you're notdetached and you're so attached
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to them, being a certain way,you're demanding them to do
things that they're never goingto do.
And you're not detached andyou're so attached to them being
a certain way, you're demandingthem to do things that they're
never going to do and you'reliterally telling yourself
you're not going to be happyuntil they are being a
supportive PMDD partner.
You're not going to be happyuntil they do this.
You're not going to be happyuntil they do that and they have
no intentions of doing it andthey're kind of annoyed that you
keep demanding it of thembecause they think that whatever
they're giving you, they thinkit's fine.
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They think it's fine.
And so the next thing thatdetachment allowed me to do is I
recognized the red flags that Iwas minimizing and I had so
many because I told you I hadthis kind of like trauma
response of putting someone on apedestal and making them feel
more than what they deserve tofeel.
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In my life I literally I knowthat I have the capability of
doing that.
I'm not even trying to changeit, I'm just more aware of it
now.
So when I feel myself doing it,I'm like, oh my gosh, I need to
detach and see this person forwho they really are, not who I
really want them to be.
Detachment allowed me torecognize the red flags that I
was minimizing and if I lookback on any of my past PMDD
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relationships, I saw when I wastrying to paint the red flags
green because I'm so forgiving.
I'm a very forgiving person.
I'm a very forgive and forgetperson.
Again, that's a trauma response.
My friends would be like I cantake them back after they did
this, this and this, and theywould start to say the things
that they did to me and I wouldbe like, oh yeah, I forgot about
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that, because if I forgive you,I literally forget.
Some people think that that'sgreat.
Some people think it's reallydangerous because you put
yourself back in situationswhere the person can hurt you
the same way that they didbefore and you open yourself up
again.
But in my mind I'm like, well,if I'm going to be with you, I
don't want to be holding it overyour head like a grudge.
Detachment for me is soimportant because it allows me
to see the toxic patterns, nottoxic behavior.
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I believe that people can evenhave toxic behavior.
They can have bad behavior.
I don't believe that yourpartner needs to be perfect and
never do a bad thing.
But behavior like gaslighting,narcissism, manipulation,
neglect, inconsistency.
It allowed me to see.
Detachment allowed me to see.
This is the truth.
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This is a character flaw.
It's one thing for a person tohave negative things that they
do, behaviors, but when this issomeone's character, when
they're consistently making youfeel insecure, they're
consistently making you feelunsafe.
They're consistentlygaslighting, insecure, they're
consistently making you feelunsafe.
They're consistentlygaslighting you.
They're consistently making youquestion your reality.
That's not going to change.
That's their character flaw.
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And detachment allows me to seethat If I wasn't willing to be
detached, I would have nevergotten to the point where I was
able to see that.
And I'm so grateful fordetachment, but it was so
painful in the process becausewhen you detach and you really
see a person for who they are,there's a couple of things that
can happen.
Number one.
You could be disgusted, likethere is a realm where you're
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just like, what the like?
Why in the world did I allowthat into my life?
Why did I?
And not not that as in theperson, but that treatment you.
You become disgusted atyourself, disappointed in
yourself.
Then you become a little bit.
You can become bitter andresentful for what they did to
you.
You become mad, like you have adelayed reaction.
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I can't believe I let them talkto me like that.
I can't believe I let themtreat me like that.
Go through those emotions, gothrough it.
It's horrible, it's crappy.
You can't do anything about itbecause you can't control the
past.
But you need to go through that.
You need to hold on to thatbitterness, that resentment,
that unforgiveness that you knowall of that.
No, you don't need to hold onto it, but you do need to
process it.
You do need to go through it.
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I had a lot of sessions where Iwent through it, where I was
going through each scenario thathad gone on in my PMDD
relationships and I was like andthey did this and they did this
.
I had to go through that.
I couldn't ignore it and justbrush it off.
You can't ignore and brush offthings that literally have an
emotional impact on you, thattrigger you.
You need to get to the root ofit and pluck up the root.
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Pluck up the root of everythingthat has ever triggered you,
and that takes time and thattakes work and that takes an
investment.
I invested in someone thatallowed me to do that.
Like I always say, counselorsneed counselors, therapists need
therapists.
I am not above what I'm askingyou to do as my private client
when I'm telling you, hey, weneed to work on this.
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I'm not above it, like I don'tneed.
I'm a doctor, I don't need towork on it.
No, I'm actively working on it.
I had to work on that.
I had to work on understandingwhat version of me was that that
allowed that kind of treatment?
I was disgusted.
I was like ugh, who, why?
What were you getting out of it?
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What mindset were you in whereyou thought that that was okay?
How low was your self-worththat you were in a position to
accept that?
Because that's another thingthat can happen is PMDD can
really blur your self-worth and,with how your partner treats
you, you can start to believethat you're you deserve the
treatment that you're accepting,the abuse that you're accepting
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from your partner, that you'reaccepting from your partner.
Detaching helps you reconnectwith your own needs, your own
dreams, your own values and whatyou really deserve and desire.
You get to the root of likewait a minute, what is it that I
desire?
What is it that I deserve?
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What do I bring to the table?
Who am I?
And I went through a wholeprogram.
I invested a lot oh my goshover $3,000 in this program.
But it changed my life and Ihad to rebuild myself.
I had to literally rebuild whoI am.
And there's a lot of you beatyourself up when that process,
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when you're rebuilding yourself,because you're like I can't
believe I let myself get to thispoint.
But again, you have to gothrough those emotions, you have
to go through everything thatcomes up, but you're detaching
from what you're accepting andthen you're able to see what you
deserve and you desire andyou're able to go in the
direction and then you can makea decision based off of that.
I always say make a decisionafter detachment.
(49:01):
Don't make a decision whenyou're in the midst of the chaos
and confusion.
If you're wanting to break up,if you have chaos and confusion,
don't make a decision at thatpoint because you're confused,
it's chaotic.
You may regret it later on, youmay.
You know you're going to lookcrazy later on if you change
your mind.
But when you detach and you havespace and you get clarity,
that's when it's easier for youto make a decision.
(49:22):
That's when it's easier for youto be like okay, because
clarity comes from distance, notdesperation, my gosh.
When you are desperate for ananswer, when you're in survival
mode, when you're like just getme out of here, I just need to
break up because I can't dealwith this anymore, that's
desperation.
That's desperation for peace.
That's desperation for peace.
(49:43):
When you're feeling like youwant to break up, you're
literally saying you want tobreak up out of desperation.
But when you detach, you becomeclear and that distance means
your brain can calm down, it canshift out of survival mode, get
you out of that fight, thatflight, that freeze, that fawn
mode, all of those stressresponses, and you make
(50:07):
decisions with wisdom, not withwithdrawal, not with denial, not
with delusion, which I loved todo.
I love to be delusional, Idon't know, it just felt great.
That's a trauma response whereI create this fairy tale persona
of someone in some relationshipbecause it's something that I
genuinely want, always want.
(50:29):
But when I detach, I literallycut off the plug.
I don't know.
Detachment doesn't allow me tobe delusional.
Wow, that is so good.
You need to write that down.
Detachment does not allow me tobe delusional.
And the last thing that happenswhen you detach is you realize
you deserve peace, not justpassion, not just settling.
(50:52):
Prematural dysphoric disorderis already so much that you have
to handle with the ebbs andflows, the ups and downs, all of
these things that you have tomanage.
You deserve someone that isstable.
That is one thing that Inoticed that I need emotional
stability.
I can't deal with the ups anddowns.
(51:15):
I can't deal with the downs andthe downs.
I can't deal with the ups andups.
I don't want you to ever feellike you can't be open with your
emotions if you're connected tome, but I need the openness and
ups.
I don't want you to ever feellike you can't be open with your
emotions if you're connected tome, but I need the openness and
the vulnerability.
What I mean by I can't deal withthe ups and the downs, it
doesn't mean that I can't dealwith the down times.
I mean there needs to beaccountability.
There needs to be anacknowledgement, like we're not
(51:36):
painting the red flags green andpretending like everything's
great when it's not.
I need you to be in realitywith me, and that's part of the
peace is saying, hey, let's bereal with what's really going on
and let's deal with it together.
That's peace.
For me, peace is not perfection.
Oh my gosh, that's so good.
I need to write all of thesequotes down.
(51:58):
There's like so many that arejust dropping in my sphere right
now.
But peace is not perfectionwhen you have PMDD.
It's not perfection.
I'm not expecting you to beperfect.
I'm expecting you to be honest,to be open, to be vulnerable,
and that's all that I can ask.
And if you can't do that, thendetachment allows me to see that
.
And I think a lot of times whatI need to recognize and what I
(52:19):
have recognized that has broughtme a lot of peace, is maybe
you're just not there, you'rejust not on the journey of being
there, and you can't forcesomeone to be there if they're
just not in a place in theirlife where they're willing to
not even that.
They're willing.
It's just not the right time intheir journey, where they're
willing to do the work, toaccept that there's work to do,
(52:40):
to be in a place ofvulnerability which is really
strength.
Strength is not shutting downyour feelings and becoming a
shell of who you are andpretending like you're one thing
and you feel one thing andyou're not another.
That's not peace.
Peace is being open and honestand vulnerable with how you're
feeling and willing to do thework, to work through anything
that comes up, whether it's good, bad or indifferent.
And if you're not in a placewhere you're ready to do that,
(53:09):
it's just a matter of detaching.
Enough for me to get clarity oflike they're just not there and
maybe I'm there and they're not, or maybe they're there and I'm
not.
It doesn't matter.
It's not a matter of blamingand shaming or comparing or
saying who's better than theother.
But when you detach, it createsthe clarity for you to
understand the next decisionthat you need to make in your
PMDD relationship.
And if that's something whereyou're feeling like I just need
clarity, I feel like I need todetach and take some time to
(53:29):
process what decision I shouldmake in my PMDD relationship.
This is what I work with myprivate clients with.
So go to inlovewithpmddcom.
Go to the link in the shownotes and until next time we got
this.
I love you.
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