September 4, 2025 • 39 mins
Me Before PMDD: Relationship Reset Toolkit-Couples
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The moment I realized my relationship was ending wasn't during a heated argument or a dramatic confrontation. It happened in paradise—on a beautiful balcony in Los Cabos, where I should have felt at peace but instead felt utterly disconnected from my partner despite my desperate attempts to reconnect.
This disconnect wasn't about not loving each other enough. It wasn't even about the challenges of managing PMDD symptoms. It was something deeper—the gradual, devastating loss of hope that things could ever truly improve between us. After trying everything I knew to rebuild our connection and still feeling miles apart, I faced the painful truth that sometimes love isn't enough when fundamental needs remain unmet.
Through years of counseling couples affected by PMDD, I've identified five critical patterns that signal when a relationship has moved beyond the typical monthly conflicts into territory where permanent separation becomes likely. From the emotional exhaustion of cyclical breakup threats to the erosion of intimacy that turns partners into roommates, these warning signs emerge long before the final decision to separate.
What makes these patterns particularly dangerous is how gradually they develop. Most couples wait until they're drowning before reaching for help, not realizing that relationship healing—like taking antibiotics—requires consistent, ongoing care rather than a single intervention. One counseling session might provide temporary relief, but without continued support, couples often find themselves sliding backward into even deeper disconnection.
Whether you're currently struggling in a PMDD-affected relationship or supporting someone who is, understanding these patterns can help you recognize when it's time to commit to serious intervention. The question isn't whether your relationship is experiencing difficulties—PMDD guarantees challenges—but whether both partners still have hope and are willing to do the consistent work needed to rebuild connection. Because as I learned on that balcony in Mexico, sometimes the kindest choice we can make is to acknowledge when a relationship no longer serves either person's highest good.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
So today I want to talk to you about the top five
reasons for PMDD breakups.
And I really wanted to talkabout this because I am once
again in Los Cabos, mexico.
I like coming here a lot andevery single time I come here,
it's very healing.
(00:22):
It's very symbolic.
Time I come here, it's veryhealing, it's very symbolic and
one of the reasons I was just onthe balcony.
If you're watching this on InLove With PMDD TV on YouTube,
you'll be able to see thebalcony behind me, but I was
sitting on the balcony having mymorning coffee and one of the
things that is undeniable aboutCabo for me is that I
(00:45):
experienced the most peace I'veever had from being here.
It always starts with my sleep.
It doesn't matter what time Iget in or whatever.
Whenever I go to sleep, Ialways have the deepest sleep
and I feel so restored and Ifeel rejuvenated, and I think
(01:10):
this is what keeps me comingback here.
And it's very ironic that Ifeel so restored and relaxed and
at peace here, because this isactually the last place that I
saw my ex, so it's been twoyears and I didn't even know
this.
I'm here as you can see theballoons in the background.
If you don't follow me on InLove With PMDD on YouTube, the
(01:34):
link is in the show notes.
But I'm here for my daughter's16th birthday, so what I've
decided to do is go to all ofour favorite places for the next
month to kind of celebrate herjourney of turning 16.
It's such an incrediblemilestone and there are so many
(01:55):
places that we cause we travelall the time and she's
homeschooled so she literallygoes everywhere with me and but
there are certain places that wereally bonded and we really
connected and if you have ateenager, those moments are so
precious.
So this is one of them where wejust come here, we go to the
(02:15):
beach, we play volleyball, weget in the pool, we play catch
with the ball, we go out onexcursions, go camel riding, atv
riding, zip lighting, all ofthe things.
And every single time we comehere it's different because we
decide do we want to doexcursions and do all the
adventurous things like the ATVriding and all the things, or do
(02:38):
we want to relax, like I didlast month?
And so in planning this trip,it always hits me when I have
like the most peace in themorning and I'm drinking my
morning coffee on the balcony,slowing down as I talked to you
about for my nervous system.
The last place I did see my exwas here two years ago and was
(03:00):
actually for my birthday, and Iremember experiencing this place
so differently.
I literally was crying goingthrough the lobby and all of
these beautiful places withthese pools and beautiful, just
people that are so nice, and Ilove being on vacation so I can
(03:24):
see people enjoy life and havefun.
Like it almost is like osmosis.
It helped me and I remembercalling my best friend while I
was in tears during my lastvisit with my ex and I was like,
please, like I feel like I'mlosing my mind and I'm, I'm very
.
It saddened me that I was inthe most beautiful place I had
(03:48):
ever seen and I felt horrible.
I felt like there was a fogover me, I felt like there was
this doom and gloom and I was sofrustrated, I was so hurt, I
was literally broken.
I can actually say that I wasbroken when I was here because I
(04:11):
was depleted.
I had given everything that Ihad to give, and I'm not saying
that I was perfect, I'm notsaying that I could have done
maybe something different in mypartner's eyes, like I can't
speak for me.
I can only speak for myself.
But I genuinely was at thepoint where I felt like I can't
(04:32):
give any more than I'm giving,and I know I can feel like
whatever I'm giving is notenough, and that was my breaking
point.
So I'm going to talk to youtoday about the top five reasons
that individuals break up,whether it's the partner that
has PMDD or the partner thatdoesn't.
But I will tell you from myexperience it wasn't.
(04:53):
I didn't break up becausethings got hard.
If you're in a PMDDrelationship, if you have
premenstrual dysphoric disorderor your partner has premenstrual
dysphoric disorder, it's agiven Things are going to get
hard.
I would never quit arelationship because it got hard
for me, because in anyrelationship that you're in,
it's going to have those hardmoments.
(05:14):
But for me, when I literallygave up, when I quit, when I
lost hope and that's the keyphrase is I lost hope, and for
me, losing hope takes a lot.
It takes a lot for me to losehope because I'm technically one
of those people that can seethe glass half full and I see
this horrible situation but I'mlike no, but that's okay because
(05:35):
of this and that's okay becauseof that, I always search for
the positive in situations, evenwhen it's not very apparent, in
situations, even when it's notvery apparent.
So when I gave up and it wasactually when I was here two
years ago we were here for mybirthday and I'll walk you
through it.
So I knew I came here with mydaughter and then my partner was
(06:00):
going to come and see us and hehad gone through some injuries
with.
You know, just, personal things, everybody has personal things.
Like I always say, like whenyou have PMDD, you always need
to be mindful of all the thingsthat your partner has going on
as well that can contribute tothe issues that you have in the
relationship.
So he had issues that weregoing on medically that put him
(06:24):
in a bad place physically andmentally and it was just a hard
spot and I was doing my best tobe supportive.
I was, when you know, he hadsurgery.
I brought him down with mebecause we were long distance to
stay with me and every.
I think the thing that was kindof chipping at our relationship
(06:46):
at that point was everythingthat I was doing was like it
wasn't good enough.
Everything that I was doing waslike it was criticized.
It was torn apart, like Ishould be doing more and I was
literally giving everything thatI had to give.
So this trip for me, I had somuch hope.
This was kind of like I don'teven think that I knew.
(07:08):
But now that, looking back, Ithink that it was my last dish
effort, I was like, listen, I'vedone everything and this is
talking to myself, reallyprocessing everything I've done
everything that I know to do torestore this PMDD relationship.
Like I knew that it wasbreaking and I even messaged him
like we are breaking.
(07:28):
This is not a normal.
I'm not happy right now.
This is like the relationshipis breaking.
So I was doing so much damagecontrol of like we need to do
this and we need to do that andwe need to be talking more, we
need to be communicating more,because when you're long
distance and you're dealing withthese issues and you don't have
those ways of connecting, it'salmost like every issue that you
(07:52):
have is magnified and I felthim pulling away and I felt me
pulling away in a sense of likewe found more peace outside of
the connection with each otherand I'm very self-aware.
I'm very mindful of that.
I'm like okay, so you go towork and you feel great and you
feel restored.
And you go hang out withfriends and you feel great and
(08:13):
you feel restored, but whenwe're spending time together
it's like a hassle, it's almostlike a gamble.
Like I hope we have a good time.
That's how it began to be.
You know, it was just I hope wehave a good time.
Like I was literally likepraying please let us have a
good visit, please let us have agood time.
Because it was like I keptthinking, like we need this, we
(08:36):
need to have one of thosemoments that we had in the
beginning that allowed us toreally connect with each other.
We need to have another one ofthose moments in order to fuel
us to stay together.
And I felt this sense ofurgency, like if we don't have
one of those good trips, one ofthose good moments, one of those
good interactions, like we'regoing to be broken beyond repair
(08:56):
.
So I was doing everythingwithin my power to manifest that
Like what can I do to make himfeel good?
I was basically in top tierpeople pleasing mode.
I put my personal feelingsaside, my desires aside, and I
was like what can I do to makehim feel good?
So when I got to the resort andsame thing, the way that they
(09:20):
did with my daughter, like theyalways ask you cause I'm an
owner of this resort, um, I'mone of the owners and they were
like, are you celebrating anyoccasion?
So if you're celebrating anoccasion, they'll go all out for
you.
So I was like, oh yes, it wasmy birthday, um, which is not to
November, but it was mybirthday weekend.
And I was like, yeah, we'recelebrating my birthday.
(09:41):
So when I got there, they putlike happy birthday and they put
it in little small rocks,little small colorful rocks, and
they just put happy birthday onit.
And it was so sweet and niceand I literally took all of
those rocks and I really put andI redid it, I took, I took
(10:01):
happy birthday off of the bedand I put Rose, loves and then
my ex's name on the bed so thatwhen he walked in he would kind
of see it, and so that was justa symbolic way of, without me
really knowing that, I was like,forget the fact that it's my
birthday.
Like I want my partner to feelgood, I want him to feel loved,
I want him to feel connected,loved.
(10:21):
I want him to feel connected.
We need this.
So when he came in, I was soeager to like, show him like
this you look at the bed andlook at these things and we're
going to have this amazing time.
And we were just not connectedand it saddened me.
And so one of the things that Isaid okay, he's not.
(10:42):
You know, you can tell causeyou know your partner, you can
tell if they're feelingconnected to you.
You know those moments that youhad where it's like, okay, like
I, like you, I love you, I cansee why we're together.
And that didn't invoke themoment.
So what did it?
What was the next thing that wedid?
I was like, maybe it's justbecause we physically haven't
been together.
And so we were intimate and itwas me like almost saying like,
(11:09):
hey, we, we like I was coming onto him.
I was like, hey, we need toconnect.
And so when we were intimate, itwas the most unconnected
connection, sad, borderline,disgusting interaction that I've
(11:33):
ever had as far as sex andintimacy is concerned, and I was
like shocked because we weren't.
I mean, we didn't even lookeach other in the eyes like I'm
just trying to connect and we,we were there, but not there.
I was there and I don't want tosay we, because I was there,
because I was reaching, I waslike we need this, because in
(11:55):
the past, like maybe having sexwas one of those things where we
kind of felt more connected andit scared me, it literally
frightened me when we were ableto have sex and I felt even more
disconnected.
I remember that I was liketrying to look at him and he
(12:18):
wasn't connecting with me and itwas kind of like going through
the motions, which for me, isthe most disgusting act of quote
unquote intimacy that you cando is to not be connected during
sex.
It's to just be going throughthe motions for the sake of
either one of your desires, likeoh, I just want to do it
(12:39):
because I want to feel good, orjust because you feel like you
have to like for me, that's aslap in the face, because I feel
like if you're with someone,that's one of the tools,
especially when you're married,like that's one of the things
that God gave us to connect morewith each other.
And so when that wasn't working,I remember I just laid in the
(12:59):
bed and tears started rollingdown my face and I was so scared
, like my heart was beating sofast.
I was like, oh my God, likeacts of service wasn't working
with meaning.
I, you know, put the thing onthe bed and sex wasn't working.
Physical touch wasn't working,we were not connecting, and it
(13:24):
scared me because all of thethings that I knew that
connected us were no longerthere and I was just.
I was more.
I was just a mixture of scaredand sad because I knew it's
almost like this.
Is it like we're done?
Like this is?
This is not like a normal PMDDmonthly breakup where it's
(13:44):
because of a certaincircumstance, like this
situation happens, so we need tobreak up, or I'm frustrated,
like it was literally, um, we'renot connecting and I can't put
the.
It's like you're plugging upsomething in the day.
It was dead, and so that tripwas horrible and he ended up
(14:10):
leaving and when he left when heactually left I was sleeping
with my daughter.
I didn't even sleep in the bedwith him that evening because he
had.
You know, I don't like he didhis thing and I kind of like he
had.
You know, I don't like he didhis thing and I kind of like we
try to do things as a family.
It wasn't working, the vibe wasoff and so he my birthday was
(14:34):
like the upcoming few days andhe was leaving and he ended up
putting a card on the bed, andthat was the last time I saw him
was the day before, becauseeven when I slept on the, we had
a pullout couch in the livingroom and that's where I was
sleeping with my daughter,because I just was so sad and
(14:56):
hurt and I know that it wasn'tjust me.
I know that he had his ownexperience as to what was going
on.
I know that it was hard for him.
I know that he wasn't gettinghis needs met, whatever that
looked like, and I felt like afailure.
So for me as a wife, as a PMDDpartner, I felt like I don't
(15:18):
have anything else to give you,and I had never felt like that
before.
I always felt like, oh, if wejust do this one other thing.
But I lost hope because I feltlike I pulled all of the things
from under my sleeve and hestill wasn't connecting with me.
We still weren't connecting.
It wasn't just that he wasn'tconnecting with me, it wasn't
(15:39):
working and I didn't haveanything else to do.
And it's almost like we weregoing through the motions of
okay, we need to talk about this, but every talk ended up into
an argument and a fight, andit's almost like the more that
was using the tools that used tobring us closer together, the
more it was drawing us furtherapart.
(16:00):
And I think I really recognizedthat one day when he said
something about because I usedto always complain about his
snoring.
If you listen to past episodes,you'll hear it, because we have
misophonia.
If you suffer with premenstrualdisorder, we have misophonia,
which is a sensitivity to noise.
And I kept saying we need to dosomething about this only
(16:21):
because not because of just thesnoring, but because it got to a
point where we couldn't sleepin the bed together.
Like we couldn't sleep in thesame room because the snoring
was so bad and it was somagnified for me that I was like
I want to be able to sleep inthe same room with you, I want
to be able to sleep in the samebed with you, but because of
this, like we can't.
(16:41):
So, like this is like needs tobe a top priority.
And he made a comment and said,like I may get that fixed, but
it may or may not be while I'mwith you, and I was literally
like when would you ever not bewith me?
Like I recognized that thecomments that were being made
(17:03):
were being made as if we wereone day not going to be together
, and when I recognized that hehad allowed himself to go there
rightfully, so he wasn't happy Iwasn't being or doing or all
the things enough for him.
And I get that because I reallyunderstand that I felt like I
(17:23):
had a clear picture over theyears of the kind of individual
that he needed to be with, notjust wanted to be with, needed
to be with.
And I think as time went on Isaw that I was not that person
and I was mad at myself that Icouldn't be that person that he
(17:46):
wanted me and or needed me to be.
Like what I was doing was notenough.
And I felt like I could clearlysee because you know, being a
psychologist, being a counselor,like you can read people pretty
well, I do it with my clients.
But even having a partner, likeyou can kind of envision like,
(18:06):
oh, if they had this kind ofperson, like they would probably
be happier, they would probablybe more fulfilled or they would
like.
I had a clear vision, like if Iseparated the fact that I was
his wife and I really justthought about, okay, who is this
person and what is it that theyneed?
And I mapped it out, you know,wrote it out and all the things.
I processed it, which I did.
(18:26):
I thought about him a lot.
I thought about him a lot whenI made the decision, because I
was the one that made thedecision to end the marriage, to
end the partnership, and Ithought about him a lot and I
said, because of his sense ofloyalty, he might possibly stay
in this, even being unhappy,just for the sake of being in it
(18:52):
and not being a quitter.
That was one of the mostadmirable qualities that he had,
that I loved about him, that hewas very loyal and that he
wasn't a quitter.
And I knew that the end of thismarriage would seem like a
failure and that's not somethingthat he would ever probably
(19:13):
take on.
So the turn of that would be oh,I'll just stay with this person
so that I'll never feel like afailure, I'll never feel like a
quitter, but I'll be unhappy andfor me, I value someone who
being authentic and being freeto be and be whoever they truly
(19:40):
are and do whatever and I don'twant to say do what makes you
happy, because there's like alot of reckless things that we
can do to make ourselves happy.
So I'll never be one of thosepeople like just do what makes
you happy, but just do whatfeels the most aligned with who
you are in this phase of yourlife.
That is my key thing.
I always want you to do whatyou need to do for the phase of
(20:04):
life that you're in, no matterwhat that looks like, because
anything outside of that isliving out of alignment with
your person and you're going toresent them and you're going to
be bitter and it's not going tobe healthy for them and it's not
going to be healthy for you.
So before I go over the top fivereasons for the PMDB breakups,
(20:25):
I want to give you mine, andmine was that I genuinely knew
my partner was not fulfilledwith me.
He wasn't happy with me.
There wasn't anything left thatI could give to invoke that to
be there for them.
Like, if I feel like I'm wavingthe white flag and I'm, I was
(20:49):
pretty much acting out ofcharacter and I was using like,
oh, it's because I'm married andI'm a wife and I need to do
this and I need to be thisversion of myself, but I didn't
like who I was becoming bytrying to be the person that he
needed.
Now, if I would have acted outof character and I would have
(21:09):
done all the things that I feltlike he needed me to do and it
worked and he was actuallyfulfilled and he was actually
satisfied and he actually feltloved, I would have probably
continued to do it because Iwould have been like, oh, that's
what I'm supposed to do, butthe fact that I was doing all
the things and he still didn'tfeel loved, that didn't sit well
with me because I was like well, what's the point?
(21:30):
I'm suffering by not being inalignment with what it is that I
want to do, how I want to be,what I want to experience.
I'm putting that aside andyou're still not satisfied.
You still don't feel loved, youstill don't feel connected, you
still feel like you need moreand I'm just not enough, like I.
I didn't even need for him toreally say it.
(21:52):
I just knew it, because I knewwhat it felt like, what it
looked like when he was happy,when he was fulfilled, when we
were, we were very much in loveand even when I ended it.
I genuinely loved him a lot,like I think that's one of the
things that was the hardest forme, because I wasn't saying I
(22:12):
don't want to be with youbecause I don't love you.
I loved him a lot, love him alot, but I also knew that he
needed and wanted somethingdifferent, and it wasn't
something that I could pull outof me and and what all I was
seeing was like themanifestation of his unhappiness
(22:32):
, of his unfulfillment, of hisneeds not being met, and I
couldn't in good conscience knowthat, hey, I know he's still
going to be with me, but hisneeds are not going to be met,
he's not going to be happy, he'sgoing to be going through the
motions.
I couldn't do that.
I don't tell my clients to dothat.
I definitely don't tell myclients to break up, but I tell
(22:53):
them to take a good look.
Please, please, please, beauthentic with how you're really
feeling and allow that to guideyour decisions, not for the
sake of what you should do basedoff of some aspects of oh, we
should do this and we should dothat.
How are you really Because foryou to live unfulfilled, for you
(23:14):
to live without your needsbeing met, it's like
condemnation to suffering.
It's like saying, in order tobe in this relationship, I need
to commit to suffering.
I need to say I'm committed tosuffering with this person.
And what kind of life is that?
There's so many things thathappen when you're unfulfilled
(23:34):
in a relationship and the waythat you're when the hope goes
down, when the hope is lost.
There's so many things thathappen in PMDD relationships
that affect your mental,physical, emotional health,
spiritual health.
Like you don't feel the energyto do anything.
I was in the most beautifulplace here, one of the most
beautiful places that I've everbeen to, and I was miserable.
(23:56):
And I came back a year laterand I was kind of, you know,
healing a little bit.
So it was a very like it wasbetter, but it wasn't there.
And now, two years later, it'sso peaceful and nothing has
changed about this resort,nothing has changed about this
country, nothing has changedabout this environment.
It's literally the state thatI'm in and I've healed healing
(24:19):
over the last couple of yearsand I really needed that time.
I needed that time to be ableto be in a different place, to
see things differently, and I do, and it's so beautiful and I'm
so grateful that I'm able to behealed in this place, but it
took time.
(24:40):
Even with dating, it didn't meanthat I was ready for was a
companion, and I still feel likeI'm there.
I'm good with a companion, butas far as a serious, committed
(25:00):
relationship, I have to like I'mworking on that.
I'm working on being theversion of myself who desires
that and also who values that ina sense of like next steps.
But I think it's very importantto really monitor your healing
process after going through abreakup and then what you're
(25:22):
really ready for, because Idon't want to force myself into
something and then all of theunhealed parts of myself from
this past relationship two yearsago comes out and I project
that on another person.
That doesn't deserve that.
(25:46):
So let's get into now that Imade it on the other side of
really making peace with thebreakup, in a sense of I'm
hoping and praying that he'shappy and fulfilled and has joy
and love in his life and that hehas all the things that he
desires and deserves.
I has joy and love in his lifeand that he has all the things
that he desires and deserves.
I hope that for him all thetime, cause that's what he
deserves and I feel like we alldeserve to be in a place where
we are getting what we're, whatwe're putting where we're
(26:09):
signing up for.
I sign up to be.
No one signs up into being in arelationship to suffer.
You sign up to feel supported.
You sign up to feel loved andadored and cherished and all of
those beautiful things, and Ithink when you notice that those
things are gone, you reallyneed to be very serious and
(26:29):
mindful of either how to startthe process of getting them back
or making a decision that'sgoing to allow you to be in that
place.
And so if this is somethingthat you're working through
right now and you're like we'rereally working through a hard
patch and we keep having thesePMDD monthly breakups, but it's
kind of feeling like it's alittle bit more than that,
that's a sign to get help.
(26:52):
And especially if you know thatPMDD is one of the biggest
things that is causing a lot ofthe suffering in your
relationship and it's verycyclical, that's one of the
first signs.
So the first reason is acyclical breakup, a lot of the
breakup threats.
You're threatening to break upevery single month and you get
emotionally exhausted.
This is what a lot of myclients have dealt with when
they first come to me is thatthey've said the breakups.
(27:15):
It's not woken the partner upto make the changes that they
feel like needs to be changed.
And so you're threatening toleave the relationship during
the luteal phase or maybeanother phase of the cycle, as
an impulsive reaction to thesymptoms and the way that
they're really affecting therelationship.
And over time, partners startstop taking the threat seriously
or they feel worn down fromthem.
(27:36):
They're like, oh, let me guessyou want to break up again, and
so when the real breakup happens, you don't have any energy left
to recover.
That's what happens when youhave a lot of these cyclical
breakups, because you'reconstantly telling your partner
that you want to break up, youdon't want to be with them,
you're not satisfied, they'renot supportive.
You deserve better than this.
You deserve better than this,they deserve better than this.
Maybe they would be better offwithout you, all of these things
(27:58):
.
And then when your partner saysno, for real, I really don't
think that this relationship ishealthy for the both of us,
because you're so emotionallyexhausted from the cyclical
breakups that have beenhappening every month.
Every that have been happeningevery month, every two months,
(28:20):
every three months, you don'thave any energy left to recover.
You don't even know where youwould begin because every single
time that your partner has beendoing this this monthly breakup
you haven't taken them seriousenough to say, okay, we need to
get help.
We need to get a session withDr Rose to where I'm really
understanding the root of thisCause.
Here's what I want to tell you.
This is really good for clientsthat are thinking about working
with me.
(28:42):
A lot of times, by the timeyou've gotten to the point where
you're like, oh my gosh, wereally need help, like this is
out of my hands.
There's been days, months,years of traumatic experiences,
of fights and arguments thathave happened.
It is not going to be cured inone session.
It is not going to be healed inone session, because a lot of
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times when you start doing thework, you need to make sure that
you keep going.
Otherwise you're going torevert back to how you were
before and you could end upworse than you were before,
because you start opening up thewounds and the trauma of things
that have happened in the past,but there's no continued care.
What I mean by that is let'stake antibiotics, for example,
(29:26):
because it seems like people canunderstand the physical
ramifications of a treatmentplan a lot simpler than the
mental and emotional thathappens with counseling.
So if you go to the doctor andthey say you have an infection,
you never take an antibiotic forone day.
So think of this as one session.
Oh my gosh, dr Rose, we haveall of these things going on
(29:48):
from all of the like.
When you first come on asession with me and you unpack a
lot of the things that havegone on, there are multiple
avenues that need to beapproached one at a time so that
you're not overwhelmed, and sothen you're not re-triggered.
And coming to me for one sessionis the equivalent of taking one
day of a 10-day antibioticprescription.
(30:10):
There's a reason why they tellyou when you take antibiotics,
you need to make sure that youfulfill the full 10 days of this
prescription in order for youto be healed of whatever
infection that you have.
Going on, they never give youone dose, because one dose is
never enough.
You take one dose and then yourbody has to respond to that and
(30:32):
then you're able to takeanother dose and let your body
respond to that.
It's the same thing withcounseling sessions.
We're dealing with things.
I'm dealing with them one at atime, one at a time so that
you're not overwhelmed, so thatwe can actually have
transformations to where you'renot reverting back.
It's kind of like if you put akid on a bicycle and then they
(30:53):
take their foot.
They're going a little bit andthen they take their foot off
the pedals.
They're going to and they'regoing up a hill, they're going
to roll backwards.
This is another example of whatcan happen when you do one
counseling session.
You're rolling up the hill andyou're like, okay, I'm seeing
some momentum, like this toolthat Dr Rose gave me is actually
working, and then you stoppedaling and you go back
(31:13):
downhill and you probably end up, you know, further back than
you planned on going, becauseyou've already opened up the
wound.
So this is why I have myprogram, which is the PMDD
Pyramid Method, where we'remeeting three sessions one with
you, one with your partner andone together.
But a lot of my clients they'remonthly.
I meet with them every singleweek because even as we're
(31:37):
uncovering things, there's newthings that are coming up that
need to be addressed.
Otherwise you're going to endup in the same spot.
So it really depends on howserious you are about your
relationship actually repairingversus you putting a band-aid on
it, meaning, if you don't takethe antibiotics, you put a
(31:57):
band-aid on it and hope that itheals.
That's what a lot of you aredoing.
When you're just getting onesession with you, you're hoping
that the Band-Aid can help stopthe bleeding so that you're able
to survive one more month.
But then a couple months go byand the wound opens back up and
then you're ending up in thesame spot and you're like oh, I
(32:18):
need help again.
You need continuous care inyour PMDD relationship.
You need to be meeting with meat least once a month.
I say this to all of my privateclients and anyone that's
thinking about working with me.
I would say initially, whenwe're working together, once a
week.
So that way, the tools that Igive you, you're able to decide
(32:43):
okay, what happened After Istarted using these tools?
What is gonna keep youaccountable to keeping that
momentum, not just with you butwith your partner?
What is gonna keep youaccountable?
Okay, we need to make sure thatwe do this.
We need to make sure that we dothat because the tools are all
customized to your specific PMDDrelationship, so what you
specifically have going on.
So I'm starting my monthlymemberships up again and I can
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only take a small amount ofclients at a time.
I cannot accommodate everybodyon a monthly basis, which is why
I'm opening this up.
But you have to make thecommitment.
You have to make the commitment, the two-month commitment.
I am no longer doing it whereI'm patching it up for you
because it doesn't really serveyou, doing it where I'm patching
(33:26):
it up for you because itdoesn't really serve you.
So the individual sessions willbe for my private clients that
I'm already seeing on a monthlybasis and if you just have one
issue that you're dealing withand you just need an extra
session, that's going to bethere for you.
If you need an introductorysection, that's going to be
there for you on an individualbasis.
Everything else is going to bemonthly, because I've seen so
much damage being done by thisone here and one there, and I
(33:50):
don't have in a 90 minutesession, I don't have the time
to unpack three months, fourmonths, two months, one month
worth of issues in one session.
It doesn't help you and itdoesn't help me give you the
tools that are really going tohelp you get to a different
place in your relationship.
(34:10):
So that's one of the reasonswhy this is top reason for the
PMDD breakups you getemotionally exhausted and you
don't have enough energy.
The next thing is unmanaged PMDDrage.
I created the course on PMDDrage.
I've created the course on PMDDrage and the communication
breakdown and the me before PMDD.
I do those courses so that youcan stop walking on eggshells
(34:33):
Like the course that I have.
My partner has PMDD.
Now what Partners feel likethey're walking on eggshells and
they get stuck in the patternof yelling and shouting and
shutting down and avoidingimportant conversations and the
blaming and the shaming and thedefensiveness and the lack of
accountability.
These are all things thathappen and it just it ends up
(34:55):
that you're so disconnected.
So now we have the first reasonwhere you're so emotionally
exhausted.
The next one is you're sodisconnected because you've been
saying hurtful words that yourpartner, you know, doesn't even
think that you like them anymore, not even mentioning love them,
doesn't feel that you like them.
So the next reason for the PMDDactual breakups.
(35:19):
That way you don't end upgetting back together, not a
PMDD monthly breakups.
You feel unsupported andmisunderstood.
You're getting to the pointwhere you're feeling like my
partner just doesn't get me,like I've been saying the same
things again and again and againand they're just not
understanding where I'm comingfrom.
And when you feel like yourpartner doesn't understand where
you're coming from, there's alack of trust and a lack of
(35:40):
intimacy.
You're feeling like I can'ttrust you with my real and raw
emotions and I can't trust beingclose to you.
Because who wants to be closeto somebody that doesn't
understand that?
Who wants to open themselves upemotionally and physically with
someone that just doesn't getthem?
Maybe they're not trying to getthem, and a lot of times, if
you feel like your partner isnot getting you or they're not
(36:00):
trying to get you, a lot oftimes they have unmet needs that
aren't being met, so it makesit harder for them to show up to
you on an intimate basis.
Like how can I feel like I wantto pour into you if I feel like
you don't even understand me?
(36:22):
And the next thing is like theloss of intimacy.
When you have this withdrawal,when you have this irritability,
when you have this, you lackthe desire to be close to your
partner.
You don't even want to be closeto them.
You're spending a lot of timesdesiring to be further away from
them, to them being closetogether.
They feel like they're morelike roommates and partners.
(36:43):
I got like that with my ex andit was not a good feeling to
have, because you feel likeyou're in this place of what's
the point of being in anintimate relationship if you're
not intimate?
I have a lot of friends, Idon't need to be living with one
, and so you're trying to get tothis place where you want to
(37:03):
meet your partner's needs andyou want your needs, but your
needs haven't gone anywhere.
Your partner's needs haven'tgone anywhere, but when you're
living like roommates it doesn'tfeel like you're being partners
.
And then the next thing is thatnumber five is the resentment
You've.
You're basically getting intothis parenting mode where you
feel like more like a parent andI talked about this on a
previous episode than a partner,and so you're always reminding
(37:24):
them to do things and you'remanaging them and you're
babysitting them during theluteal phase.
It's resentment on both sides.
You feel like you have anotherchild or, if you don't have any
children, you feel like you havea child and so the PMDD
sufferer or you as a partnerfeel like you're controlled.
You're controlled, you'reunappreciated, you're
overwhelmed.
And so you say you know what?
(37:44):
I would just be better offbeing by myself.
Maybe I should be with someoneelse.
Maybe we're not compatible.
And these are the five reasonsfor the top five reasons from
all of my years and years andyears of counseling PMDD couples
and PMDD partners, sufferers ofwhy you feel like you need to
break up.
And if this is something thatyou know that you need help with
, go to inlovewithpmddcom, getthose monthly sessions.
(38:11):
I'm going to put the link herein the show notes and until next
time we got this.
I love you.
So today I want to talk to you about the top five
reasons for PMDD breakups.
And I really wanted to talkabout this because I am once
again in Los Cabos, mexico.
I like coming here a lot andevery single time I come here,
it's very healing.
(00:22):
It's very symbolic.
Time I come here, it's veryhealing, it's very symbolic and
one of the reasons I was just onthe balcony.
If you're watching this on InLove With PMDD TV on YouTube,
you'll be able to see thebalcony behind me, but I was
sitting on the balcony having mymorning coffee and one of the
things that is undeniable aboutCabo for me is that I
(00:45):
experienced the most peace I'veever had from being here.
It always starts with my sleep.
It doesn't matter what time Iget in or whatever.
Whenever I go to sleep, Ialways have the deepest sleep
and I feel so restored and Ifeel rejuvenated, and I think
(01:10):
this is what keeps me comingback here.
And it's very ironic that Ifeel so restored and relaxed and
at peace here, because this isactually the last place that I
saw my ex, so it's been twoyears and I didn't even know
this.
I'm here as you can see theballoons in the background.
If you don't follow me on InLove With PMDD on YouTube, the
(01:34):
link is in the show notes.
But I'm here for my daughter's16th birthday, so what I've
decided to do is go to all ofour favorite places for the next
month to kind of celebrate herjourney of turning 16.
It's such an incrediblemilestone and there are so many
(01:55):
places that we cause we travelall the time and she's
homeschooled so she literallygoes everywhere with me and but
there are certain places that wereally bonded and we really
connected and if you have ateenager, those moments are so
precious.
So this is one of them where wejust come here, we go to the
(02:15):
beach, we play volleyball, weget in the pool, we play catch
with the ball, we go out onexcursions, go camel riding, atv
riding, zip lighting, all ofthe things.
And every single time we comehere it's different because we
decide do we want to doexcursions and do all the
adventurous things like the ATVriding and all the things, or do
(02:38):
we want to relax, like I didlast month?
And so in planning this trip,it always hits me when I have
like the most peace in themorning and I'm drinking my
morning coffee on the balcony,slowing down as I talked to you
about for my nervous system.
The last place I did see my exwas here two years ago and was
(03:00):
actually for my birthday, and Iremember experiencing this place
so differently.
I literally was crying goingthrough the lobby and all of
these beautiful places withthese pools and beautiful, just
people that are so nice, and Ilove being on vacation so I can
(03:24):
see people enjoy life and havefun.
Like it almost is like osmosis.
It helped me and I remembercalling my best friend while I
was in tears during my lastvisit with my ex and I was like,
please, like I feel like I'mlosing my mind and I'm, I'm very
.
It saddened me that I was inthe most beautiful place I had
(03:48):
ever seen and I felt horrible.
I felt like there was a fogover me, I felt like there was
this doom and gloom and I was sofrustrated, I was so hurt, I
was literally broken.
I can actually say that I wasbroken when I was here because I
(04:11):
was depleted.
I had given everything that Ihad to give, and I'm not saying
that I was perfect, I'm notsaying that I could have done
maybe something different in mypartner's eyes, like I can't
speak for me.
I can only speak for myself.
But I genuinely was at thepoint where I felt like I can't
(04:32):
give any more than I'm giving,and I know I can feel like
whatever I'm giving is notenough, and that was my breaking
point.
So I'm going to talk to youtoday about the top five reasons
that individuals break up,whether it's the partner that
has PMDD or the partner thatdoesn't.
But I will tell you from myexperience it wasn't.
(04:53):
I didn't break up becausethings got hard.
If you're in a PMDDrelationship, if you have
premenstrual dysphoric disorderor your partner has premenstrual
dysphoric disorder, it's agiven Things are going to get
hard.
I would never quit arelationship because it got hard
for me, because in anyrelationship that you're in,
it's going to have those hardmoments.
(05:14):
But for me, when I literallygave up, when I quit, when I
lost hope and that's the keyphrase is I lost hope, and for
me, losing hope takes a lot.
It takes a lot for me to losehope because I'm technically one
of those people that can seethe glass half full and I see
this horrible situation but I'mlike no, but that's okay because
(05:35):
of this and that's okay becauseof that, I always search for
the positive in situations, evenwhen it's not very apparent, in
situations, even when it's notvery apparent.
So when I gave up and it wasactually when I was here two
years ago we were here for mybirthday and I'll walk you
through it.
So I knew I came here with mydaughter and then my partner was
(06:00):
going to come and see us and hehad gone through some injuries
with.
You know, just, personal things, everybody has personal things.
Like I always say, like whenyou have PMDD, you always need
to be mindful of all the thingsthat your partner has going on
as well that can contribute tothe issues that you have in the
relationship.
So he had issues that weregoing on medically that put him
(06:24):
in a bad place physically andmentally and it was just a hard
spot and I was doing my best tobe supportive.
I was, when you know, he hadsurgery.
I brought him down with mebecause we were long distance to
stay with me and every.
I think the thing that was kindof chipping at our relationship
(06:46):
at that point was everythingthat I was doing was like it
wasn't good enough.
Everything that I was doing waslike it was criticized.
It was torn apart, like Ishould be doing more and I was
literally giving everything thatI had to give.
So this trip for me, I had somuch hope.
This was kind of like I don'teven think that I knew.
(07:08):
But now that, looking back, Ithink that it was my last dish
effort, I was like, listen, I'vedone everything and this is
talking to myself, reallyprocessing everything I've done
everything that I know to do torestore this PMDD relationship.
Like I knew that it wasbreaking and I even messaged him
like we are breaking.
(07:28):
This is not a normal.
I'm not happy right now.
This is like the relationshipis breaking.
So I was doing so much damagecontrol of like we need to do
this and we need to do that andwe need to be talking more, we
need to be communicating more,because when you're long
distance and you're dealing withthese issues and you don't have
those ways of connecting, it'salmost like every issue that you
(07:52):
have is magnified and I felthim pulling away and I felt me
pulling away in a sense of likewe found more peace outside of
the connection with each otherand I'm very self-aware.
I'm very mindful of that.
I'm like okay, so you go towork and you feel great and you
feel restored.
And you go hang out withfriends and you feel great and
(08:13):
you feel restored, but whenwe're spending time together
it's like a hassle, it's almostlike a gamble.
Like I hope we have a good time.
That's how it began to be.
You know, it was just I hope wehave a good time.
Like I was literally likepraying please let us have a
good visit, please let us have agood time.
Because it was like I keptthinking, like we need this, we
(08:36):
need to have one of thosemoments that we had in the
beginning that allowed us toreally connect with each other.
We need to have another one ofthose moments in order to fuel
us to stay together.
And I felt this sense ofurgency, like if we don't have
one of those good trips, one ofthose good moments, one of those
good interactions, like we'regoing to be broken beyond repair
(08:56):
.
So I was doing everythingwithin my power to manifest that
Like what can I do to make himfeel good?
I was basically in top tierpeople pleasing mode.
I put my personal feelingsaside, my desires aside, and I
was like what can I do to makehim feel good?
So when I got to the resort andsame thing, the way that they
(09:20):
did with my daughter, like theyalways ask you cause I'm an
owner of this resort, um, I'mone of the owners and they were
like, are you celebrating anyoccasion?
So if you're celebrating anoccasion, they'll go all out for
you.
So I was like, oh yes, it wasmy birthday, um, which is not to
November, but it was mybirthday weekend.
And I was like, yeah, we'recelebrating my birthday.
(09:41):
So when I got there, they putlike happy birthday and they put
it in little small rocks,little small colorful rocks, and
they just put happy birthday onit.
And it was so sweet and niceand I literally took all of
those rocks and I really put andI redid it, I took, I took
(10:01):
happy birthday off of the bedand I put Rose, loves and then
my ex's name on the bed so thatwhen he walked in he would kind
of see it, and so that was justa symbolic way of, without me
really knowing that, I was like,forget the fact that it's my
birthday.
Like I want my partner to feelgood, I want him to feel loved,
I want him to feel connected,loved.
(10:21):
I want him to feel connected.
We need this.
So when he came in, I was soeager to like, show him like
this you look at the bed andlook at these things and we're
going to have this amazing time.
And we were just not connectedand it saddened me.
And so one of the things that Isaid okay, he's not.
(10:42):
You know, you can tell causeyou know your partner, you can
tell if they're feelingconnected to you.
You know those moments that youhad where it's like, okay, like
I, like you, I love you, I cansee why we're together.
And that didn't invoke themoment.
So what did it?
What was the next thing that wedid?
I was like, maybe it's justbecause we physically haven't
been together.
And so we were intimate and itwas me like almost saying like,
(11:09):
hey, we, we like I was coming onto him.
I was like, hey, we need toconnect.
And so when we were intimate, itwas the most unconnected
connection, sad, borderline,disgusting interaction that I've
(11:33):
ever had as far as sex andintimacy is concerned, and I was
like shocked because we weren't.
I mean, we didn't even lookeach other in the eyes like I'm
just trying to connect and we,we were there, but not there.
I was there and I don't want tosay we, because I was there,
because I was reaching, I waslike we need this, because in
(11:55):
the past, like maybe having sexwas one of those things where we
kind of felt more connected andit scared me, it literally
frightened me when we were ableto have sex and I felt even more
disconnected.
I remember that I was liketrying to look at him and he
(12:18):
wasn't connecting with me and itwas kind of like going through
the motions, which for me, isthe most disgusting act of quote
unquote intimacy that you cando is to not be connected during
sex.
It's to just be going throughthe motions for the sake of
either one of your desires, likeoh, I just want to do it
(12:39):
because I want to feel good, orjust because you feel like you
have to like for me, that's aslap in the face, because I feel
like if you're with someone,that's one of the tools,
especially when you're married,like that's one of the things
that God gave us to connect morewith each other.
And so when that wasn't working,I remember I just laid in the
(12:59):
bed and tears started rollingdown my face and I was so scared
, like my heart was beating sofast.
I was like, oh my God, likeacts of service wasn't working
with meaning.
I, you know, put the thing onthe bed and sex wasn't working.
Physical touch wasn't working,we were not connecting, and it
(13:24):
scared me because all of thethings that I knew that
connected us were no longerthere and I was just.
I was more.
I was just a mixture of scaredand sad because I knew it's
almost like this.
Is it like we're done?
Like this is?
This is not like a normal PMDDmonthly breakup where it's
(13:44):
because of a certaincircumstance, like this
situation happens, so we need tobreak up, or I'm frustrated,
like it was literally, um, we'renot connecting and I can't put
the.
It's like you're plugging upsomething in the day.
It was dead, and so that tripwas horrible and he ended up
(14:10):
leaving and when he left when heactually left I was sleeping
with my daughter.
I didn't even sleep in the bedwith him that evening because he
had.
You know, I don't like he didhis thing and I kind of like he
had.
You know, I don't like he didhis thing and I kind of like we
try to do things as a family.
It wasn't working, the vibe wasoff and so he my birthday was
(14:34):
like the upcoming few days andhe was leaving and he ended up
putting a card on the bed, andthat was the last time I saw him
was the day before, becauseeven when I slept on the, we had
a pullout couch in the livingroom and that's where I was
sleeping with my daughter,because I just was so sad and
(14:56):
hurt and I know that it wasn'tjust me.
I know that he had his ownexperience as to what was going
on.
I know that it was hard for him.
I know that he wasn't gettinghis needs met, whatever that
looked like, and I felt like afailure.
So for me as a wife, as a PMDDpartner, I felt like I don't
(15:18):
have anything else to give you,and I had never felt like that
before.
I always felt like, oh, if wejust do this one other thing.
But I lost hope because I feltlike I pulled all of the things
from under my sleeve and hestill wasn't connecting with me.
We still weren't connecting.
It wasn't just that he wasn'tconnecting with me, it wasn't
(15:39):
working and I didn't haveanything else to do.
And it's almost like we weregoing through the motions of
okay, we need to talk about this, but every talk ended up into
an argument and a fight, andit's almost like the more that
was using the tools that used tobring us closer together, the
more it was drawing us furtherapart.
(16:00):
And I think I really recognizedthat one day when he said
something about because I usedto always complain about his
snoring.
If you listen to past episodes,you'll hear it, because we have
misophonia.
If you suffer with premenstrualdisorder, we have misophonia,
which is a sensitivity to noise.
And I kept saying we need to dosomething about this only
(16:21):
because not because of just thesnoring, but because it got to a
point where we couldn't sleepin the bed together.
Like we couldn't sleep in thesame room because the snoring
was so bad and it was somagnified for me that I was like
I want to be able to sleep inthe same room with you, I want
to be able to sleep in the samebed with you, but because of
this, like we can't.
(16:41):
So, like this is like needs tobe a top priority.
And he made a comment and said,like I may get that fixed, but
it may or may not be while I'mwith you, and I was literally
like when would you ever not bewith me?
Like I recognized that thecomments that were being made
(17:03):
were being made as if we wereone day not going to be together
, and when I recognized that hehad allowed himself to go there
rightfully, so he wasn't happy Iwasn't being or doing or all
the things enough for him.
And I get that because I reallyunderstand that I felt like I
(17:23):
had a clear picture over theyears of the kind of individual
that he needed to be with, notjust wanted to be with, needed
to be with.
And I think as time went on Isaw that I was not that person
and I was mad at myself that Icouldn't be that person that he
(17:46):
wanted me and or needed me to be.
Like what I was doing was notenough.
And I felt like I could clearlysee because you know, being a
psychologist, being a counselor,like you can read people pretty
well, I do it with my clients.
But even having a partner, likeyou can kind of envision like,
(18:06):
oh, if they had this kind ofperson, like they would probably
be happier, they would probablybe more fulfilled or they would
like.
I had a clear vision, like if Iseparated the fact that I was
his wife and I really justthought about, okay, who is this
person and what is it that theyneed?
And I mapped it out, you know,wrote it out and all the things.
I processed it, which I did.
(18:26):
I thought about him a lot.
I thought about him a lot whenI made the decision, because I
was the one that made thedecision to end the marriage, to
end the partnership, and Ithought about him a lot and I
said, because of his sense ofloyalty, he might possibly stay
in this, even being unhappy,just for the sake of being in it
(18:52):
and not being a quitter.
That was one of the mostadmirable qualities that he had,
that I loved about him, that hewas very loyal and that he
wasn't a quitter.
And I knew that the end of thismarriage would seem like a
failure and that's not somethingthat he would ever probably
(19:13):
take on.
So the turn of that would be oh,I'll just stay with this person
so that I'll never feel like afailure, I'll never feel like a
quitter, but I'll be unhappy andfor me, I value someone who
being authentic and being freeto be and be whoever they truly
(19:40):
are and do whatever and I don'twant to say do what makes you
happy, because there's like alot of reckless things that we
can do to make ourselves happy.
So I'll never be one of thosepeople like just do what makes
you happy, but just do whatfeels the most aligned with who
you are in this phase of yourlife.
That is my key thing.
I always want you to do whatyou need to do for the phase of
(20:04):
life that you're in, no matterwhat that looks like, because
anything outside of that isliving out of alignment with
your person and you're going toresent them and you're going to
be bitter and it's not going tobe healthy for them and it's not
going to be healthy for you.
So before I go over the top fivereasons for the PMDB breakups,
(20:25):
I want to give you mine, andmine was that I genuinely knew
my partner was not fulfilledwith me.
He wasn't happy with me.
There wasn't anything left thatI could give to invoke that to
be there for them.
Like, if I feel like I'm wavingthe white flag and I'm, I was
(20:49):
pretty much acting out ofcharacter and I was using like,
oh, it's because I'm married andI'm a wife and I need to do
this and I need to be thisversion of myself, but I didn't
like who I was becoming bytrying to be the person that he
needed.
Now, if I would have acted outof character and I would have
(21:09):
done all the things that I feltlike he needed me to do and it
worked and he was actuallyfulfilled and he was actually
satisfied and he actually feltloved, I would have probably
continued to do it because Iwould have been like, oh, that's
what I'm supposed to do, butthe fact that I was doing all
the things and he still didn'tfeel loved, that didn't sit well
with me because I was like well, what's the point?
(21:30):
I'm suffering by not being inalignment with what it is that I
want to do, how I want to be,what I want to experience.
I'm putting that aside andyou're still not satisfied.
You still don't feel loved, youstill don't feel connected, you
still feel like you need moreand I'm just not enough, like I.
I didn't even need for him toreally say it.
(21:52):
I just knew it, because I knewwhat it felt like, what it
looked like when he was happy,when he was fulfilled, when we
were, we were very much in loveand even when I ended it.
I genuinely loved him a lot,like I think that's one of the
things that was the hardest forme, because I wasn't saying I
(22:12):
don't want to be with youbecause I don't love you.
I loved him a lot, love him alot, but I also knew that he
needed and wanted somethingdifferent, and it wasn't
something that I could pull outof me and and what all I was
seeing was like themanifestation of his unhappiness
(22:32):
, of his unfulfillment, of hisneeds not being met, and I
couldn't in good conscience knowthat, hey, I know he's still
going to be with me, but hisneeds are not going to be met,
he's not going to be happy, he'sgoing to be going through the
motions.
I couldn't do that.
I don't tell my clients to dothat.
I definitely don't tell myclients to break up, but I tell
(22:53):
them to take a good look.
Please, please, please, beauthentic with how you're really
feeling and allow that to guideyour decisions, not for the
sake of what you should do basedoff of some aspects of oh, we
should do this and we should dothat.
How are you really Because foryou to live unfulfilled, for you
(23:14):
to live without your needsbeing met, it's like
condemnation to suffering.
It's like saying, in order tobe in this relationship, I need
to commit to suffering.
I need to say I'm committed tosuffering with this person.
And what kind of life is that?
There's so many things thathappen when you're unfulfilled
(23:34):
in a relationship and the waythat you're when the hope goes
down, when the hope is lost.
There's so many things thathappen in PMDD relationships
that affect your mental,physical, emotional health,
spiritual health.
Like you don't feel the energyto do anything.
I was in the most beautifulplace here, one of the most
beautiful places that I've everbeen to, and I was miserable.
(23:56):
And I came back a year laterand I was kind of, you know,
healing a little bit.
So it was a very like it wasbetter, but it wasn't there.
And now, two years later, it'sso peaceful and nothing has
changed about this resort,nothing has changed about this
country, nothing has changedabout this environment.
It's literally the state thatI'm in and I've healed healing
(24:19):
over the last couple of yearsand I really needed that time.
I needed that time to be ableto be in a different place, to
see things differently, and I do, and it's so beautiful and I'm
so grateful that I'm able to behealed in this place, but it
took time.
(24:40):
Even with dating, it didn't meanthat I was ready for was a
companion, and I still feel likeI'm there.
I'm good with a companion, butas far as a serious, committed
(25:00):
relationship, I have to like I'mworking on that.
I'm working on being theversion of myself who desires
that and also who values that ina sense of like next steps.
But I think it's very importantto really monitor your healing
process after going through abreakup and then what you're
(25:22):
really ready for, because Idon't want to force myself into
something and then all of theunhealed parts of myself from
this past relationship two yearsago comes out and I project
that on another person.
That doesn't deserve that.
(25:46):
So let's get into now that Imade it on the other side of
really making peace with thebreakup, in a sense of I'm
hoping and praying that he'shappy and fulfilled and has joy
and love in his life and that hehas all the things that he
desires and deserves.
I has joy and love in his lifeand that he has all the things
that he desires and deserves.
I hope that for him all thetime, cause that's what he
deserves and I feel like we alldeserve to be in a place where
we are getting what we're, whatwe're putting where we're
(26:09):
signing up for.
I sign up to be.
No one signs up into being in arelationship to suffer.
You sign up to feel supported.
You sign up to feel loved andadored and cherished and all of
those beautiful things, and Ithink when you notice that those
things are gone, you reallyneed to be very serious and
(26:29):
mindful of either how to startthe process of getting them back
or making a decision that'sgoing to allow you to be in that
place.
And so if this is somethingthat you're working through
right now and you're like we'rereally working through a hard
patch and we keep having thesePMDD monthly breakups, but it's
kind of feeling like it's alittle bit more than that,
that's a sign to get help.
(26:52):
And especially if you know thatPMDD is one of the biggest
things that is causing a lot ofthe suffering in your
relationship and it's verycyclical, that's one of the
first signs.
So the first reason is acyclical breakup, a lot of the
breakup threats.
You're threatening to break upevery single month and you get
emotionally exhausted.
This is what a lot of myclients have dealt with when
they first come to me is thatthey've said the breakups.
(27:15):
It's not woken the partner upto make the changes that they
feel like needs to be changed.
And so you're threatening toleave the relationship during
the luteal phase or maybeanother phase of the cycle, as
an impulsive reaction to thesymptoms and the way that
they're really affecting therelationship.
And over time, partners startstop taking the threat seriously
or they feel worn down fromthem.
(27:36):
They're like, oh, let me guessyou want to break up again, and
so when the real breakup happens, you don't have any energy left
to recover.
That's what happens when youhave a lot of these cyclical
breakups, because you'reconstantly telling your partner
that you want to break up, youdon't want to be with them,
you're not satisfied, they'renot supportive.
You deserve better than this.
You deserve better than this,they deserve better than this.
Maybe they would be better offwithout you, all of these things
(27:58):
.
And then when your partner saysno, for real, I really don't
think that this relationship ishealthy for the both of us,
because you're so emotionallyexhausted from the cyclical
breakups that have beenhappening every month.
Every that have been happeningevery month, every two months,
(28:20):
every three months, you don'thave any energy left to recover.
You don't even know where youwould begin because every single
time that your partner has beendoing this this monthly breakup
you haven't taken them seriousenough to say, okay, we need to
get help.
We need to get a session withDr Rose to where I'm really
understanding the root of thisCause.
Here's what I want to tell you.
This is really good for clientsthat are thinking about working
with me.
(28:42):
A lot of times, by the timeyou've gotten to the point where
you're like, oh my gosh, wereally need help, like this is
out of my hands.
There's been days, months,years of traumatic experiences,
of fights and arguments thathave happened.
It is not going to be cured inone session.
It is not going to be healed inone session, because a lot of
(29:04):
times when you start doing thework, you need to make sure that
you keep going.
Otherwise you're going torevert back to how you were
before and you could end upworse than you were before,
because you start opening up thewounds and the trauma of things
that have happened in the past,but there's no continued care.
What I mean by that is let'stake antibiotics, for example,
(29:26):
because it seems like people canunderstand the physical
ramifications of a treatmentplan a lot simpler than the
mental and emotional thathappens with counseling.
So if you go to the doctor andthey say you have an infection,
you never take an antibiotic forone day.
So think of this as one session.
Oh my gosh, dr Rose, we haveall of these things going on
(29:48):
from all of the like.
When you first come on asession with me and you unpack a
lot of the things that havegone on, there are multiple
avenues that need to beapproached one at a time so that
you're not overwhelmed, and sothen you're not re-triggered.
And coming to me for one sessionis the equivalent of taking one
day of a 10-day antibioticprescription.
(30:10):
There's a reason why they tellyou when you take antibiotics,
you need to make sure that youfulfill the full 10 days of this
prescription in order for youto be healed of whatever
infection that you have.
Going on, they never give youone dose, because one dose is
never enough.
You take one dose and then yourbody has to respond to that and
(30:32):
then you're able to takeanother dose and let your body
respond to that.
It's the same thing withcounseling sessions.
We're dealing with things.
I'm dealing with them one at atime, one at a time so that
you're not overwhelmed, so thatwe can actually have
transformations to where you'renot reverting back.
It's kind of like if you put akid on a bicycle and then they
(30:53):
take their foot.
They're going a little bit andthen they take their foot off
the pedals.
They're going to and they'regoing up a hill, they're going
to roll backwards.
This is another example of whatcan happen when you do one
counseling session.
You're rolling up the hill andyou're like, okay, I'm seeing
some momentum, like this toolthat Dr Rose gave me is actually
working, and then you stoppedaling and you go back
(31:13):
downhill and you probably end up, you know, further back than
you planned on going, becauseyou've already opened up the
wound.
So this is why I have myprogram, which is the PMDD
Pyramid Method, where we'remeeting three sessions one with
you, one with your partner andone together.
But a lot of my clients they'remonthly.
I meet with them every singleweek because even as we're
(31:37):
uncovering things, there's newthings that are coming up that
need to be addressed.
Otherwise you're going to endup in the same spot.
So it really depends on howserious you are about your
relationship actually repairingversus you putting a band-aid on
it, meaning, if you don't takethe antibiotics, you put a
(31:57):
band-aid on it and hope that itheals.
That's what a lot of you aredoing.
When you're just getting onesession with you, you're hoping
that the Band-Aid can help stopthe bleeding so that you're able
to survive one more month.
But then a couple months go byand the wound opens back up and
then you're ending up in thesame spot and you're like oh, I
(32:18):
need help again.
You need continuous care inyour PMDD relationship.
You need to be meeting with meat least once a month.
I say this to all of my privateclients and anyone that's
thinking about working with me.
I would say initially, whenwe're working together, once a
week.
So that way, the tools that Igive you, you're able to decide
(32:43):
okay, what happened After Istarted using these tools?
What is gonna keep youaccountable to keeping that
momentum, not just with you butwith your partner?
What is gonna keep youaccountable?
Okay, we need to make sure thatwe do this.
We need to make sure that we dothat because the tools are all
customized to your specific PMDDrelationship, so what you
specifically have going on.
So I'm starting my monthlymemberships up again and I can
(33:05):
only take a small amount ofclients at a time.
I cannot accommodate everybodyon a monthly basis, which is why
I'm opening this up.
But you have to make thecommitment.
You have to make the commitment, the two-month commitment.
I am no longer doing it whereI'm patching it up for you
because it doesn't really serveyou, doing it where I'm patching
(33:26):
it up for you because itdoesn't really serve you.
So the individual sessions willbe for my private clients that
I'm already seeing on a monthlybasis and if you just have one
issue that you're dealing withand you just need an extra
session, that's going to bethere for you.
If you need an introductorysection, that's going to be
there for you on an individualbasis.
Everything else is going to bemonthly, because I've seen so
much damage being done by thisone here and one there, and I
(33:50):
don't have in a 90 minutesession, I don't have the time
to unpack three months, fourmonths, two months, one month
worth of issues in one session.
It doesn't help you and itdoesn't help me give you the
tools that are really going tohelp you get to a different
place in your relationship.
(34:10):
So that's one of the reasonswhy this is top reason for the
PMDD breakups you getemotionally exhausted and you
don't have enough energy.
The next thing is unmanaged PMDDrage.
I created the course on PMDDrage.
I've created the course on PMDDrage and the communication
breakdown and the me before PMDD.
I do those courses so that youcan stop walking on eggshells
(34:33):
Like the course that I have.
My partner has PMDD.
Now what Partners feel likethey're walking on eggshells and
they get stuck in the patternof yelling and shouting and
shutting down and avoidingimportant conversations and the
blaming and the shaming and thedefensiveness and the lack of
accountability.
These are all things thathappen and it just it ends up
(34:55):
that you're so disconnected.
So now we have the first reasonwhere you're so emotionally
exhausted.
The next one is you're sodisconnected because you've been
saying hurtful words that yourpartner, you know, doesn't even
think that you like them anymore, not even mentioning love them,
doesn't feel that you like them.
So the next reason for the PMDDactual breakups.
(35:19):
That way you don't end upgetting back together, not a
PMDD monthly breakups.
You feel unsupported andmisunderstood.
You're getting to the pointwhere you're feeling like my
partner just doesn't get me,like I've been saying the same
things again and again and againand they're just not
understanding where I'm comingfrom.
And when you feel like yourpartner doesn't understand where
you're coming from, there's alack of trust and a lack of
(35:40):
intimacy.
You're feeling like I can'ttrust you with my real and raw
emotions and I can't trust beingclose to you.
Because who wants to be closeto somebody that doesn't
understand that?
Who wants to open themselves upemotionally and physically with
someone that just doesn't getthem?
Maybe they're not trying to getthem, and a lot of times, if
you feel like your partner isnot getting you or they're not
(36:00):
trying to get you, a lot oftimes they have unmet needs that
aren't being met, so it makesit harder for them to show up to
you on an intimate basis.
Like how can I feel like I wantto pour into you if I feel like
you don't even understand me?
(36:22):
And the next thing is like theloss of intimacy.
When you have this withdrawal,when you have this irritability,
when you have this, you lackthe desire to be close to your
partner.
You don't even want to be closeto them.
You're spending a lot of timesdesiring to be further away from
them, to them being closetogether.
They feel like they're morelike roommates and partners.
(36:43):
I got like that with my ex andit was not a good feeling to
have, because you feel likeyou're in this place of what's
the point of being in anintimate relationship if you're
not intimate?
I have a lot of friends, Idon't need to be living with one
, and so you're trying to get tothis place where you want to
(37:03):
meet your partner's needs andyou want your needs, but your
needs haven't gone anywhere.
Your partner's needs haven'tgone anywhere, but when you're
living like roommates it doesn'tfeel like you're being partners
.
And then the next thing is thatnumber five is the resentment
You've.
You're basically getting intothis parenting mode where you
feel like more like a parent andI talked about this on a
previous episode than a partner,and so you're always reminding
(37:24):
them to do things and you'remanaging them and you're
babysitting them during theluteal phase.
It's resentment on both sides.
You feel like you have anotherchild or, if you don't have any
children, you feel like you havea child and so the PMDD
sufferer or you as a partnerfeel like you're controlled.
You're controlled, you'reunappreciated, you're
overwhelmed.
And so you say you know what?
(37:44):
I would just be better offbeing by myself.
Maybe I should be with someoneelse.
Maybe we're not compatible.
And these are the five reasonsfor the top five reasons from
all of my years and years andyears of counseling PMDD couples
and PMDD partners, sufferers ofwhy you feel like you need to
break up.
And if this is something thatyou know that you need help with
, go to inlovewithpmddcom, getthose monthly sessions.
(38:11):
I'm going to put the link herein the show notes and until next
time we got this.
I love you.
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