Why PMDD Rage Feels Unstoppable (Nervous System Secrets)

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Have you ever wondered why your PMDD seems to create the same relationship conflicts month after month, despite your best efforts? The answer might not be in the condition itself, but in how your nervous system responds to stress.

I never thought I'd be the person advocating for slowing down. As an Enneagram seven and someone who managed PMDD through constant motion, I viewed "being still" as inefficient and unnecessary. My morning routines were sacred—walking my dog, working out, and setting my mind right before the day began. This approach worked... until it didn't.

A herniated disc injury forced me to pause my usual coping mechanisms, leaving me terrified of facing my PMDD symptoms without my trusted movement practices. But something unexpected happened during a recent trip to Cabo where I couldn't engage in my usual activities—my sleep quality dramatically improved, my PMDD symptoms became more manageable, and I discovered a profound peace I hadn't known was possible.

What I uncovered through this journey was that my nervous system had been chronically dysregulated, stuck in sympathetic "fight-flight-freeze" mode even when there was no danger. This dysregulation wasn't just affecting me—it was sabotaging my relationships by making genuine connection impossible. When we're operating from a dysregulated nervous system during PMDD, we trigger our partners' alarm systems too, creating a cycle where both people feel misunderstood, defensive, and emotionally exhausted.

The roots of my compulsive "doing" traced back to childhood experiences in foster care, where I learned I needed to prove my worth to be loved and accepted. I brought this pattern into adult relationships, creating an unsustainable dynamic of hypervigilance that intensified during my luteal phase.

If you recognize yourself in this pattern—whether you're the one with PMDD or the partner—there's hope. Regulating your nervous system is possible through awareness, conscious choices, and sometimes challenging your most fundamental beliefs about yourself. Ready to transform your PMDD relationships? Visit inlovewithpmdd.com to access my new "Rewire the Rage" program with practical tools for nervous system healing.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Today we are going to be talking about a lot of
things.
This is probably one of thefirst times that I've ever went
to talk to you all, record anepisode, and had an overload of
things to talk about as far asan update with me and my journey
, as far as tools to give you.
I have been traveling even morethan usual.

(00:22):
I just got back from Mexico,from Cabo, with my daughter, and
right before that I was inVegas and San Diego, like right
before seeing some clientsspeaking at a couple of
conferences and one of thethings that I don't know if
you've been following my journeyor if you're new here, but a

(00:43):
year ago, approximately a yearago, last April, so a year and a
couple of months I had aninjury, a herniated disc injury.
So I was using my PMDDpartner's morning routine as a

(01:07):
way to kind of keep me sane,pretty much, and when I got that
injury it slowed me down a lotand I didn't like it.
I am an Enneagram seven.
I'm a free spirit, I like to go, I do a lot of things and
slowing down is not one of thosethings that I like to do.
I pretty much used to turn mynose up at all of these

(01:30):
individuals that were kind ofsaying that like slowing down
was the way to, you know, makeyour life better, because I felt
like there was.
I always felt like there was somuch for me to do in ways that
I can serve and I think, beingwho I am, being a single mom,
and then even in my previousrelationships, I've always been

(01:53):
the primary caretaker of mydaughter and my dog, and I have
a whole career outside of mycounseling and PMDD, and so I've
always had to be on.
I've not had the luxury ofhaving the kind of support that
would allow me to slow down, soit almost made me find this

(02:14):
level of disdain.
There's this book I don't knowif you've read it.
It's called the 48 Laws ofPower, and one of the laws I
think it's law 36, if I canremember correctly it is for you
to disdain the thing that youcannot have.
So what that means is, if youcan't have something, instead of
being dissatisfied with thefact that you can't have it, you

(02:36):
begin to despise it, and I'velived by that law a lot of times
, because then you're not reallymad that you don't have it,
you're kind of like, oh, Ididn't want it anyway, right.
It's a way of kind of trickingyour brain cognitively to not be
in that place of lack and be inthat place of victimhood and
like, oh my gosh, woe is me, Idon't have the level of support
that I would need, I don't havethis, I don't have that.

(02:58):
So I kind of developed thatmentality.
When it came to slowing down, Iwould see people that even in
their morning routine they hadthis very slow.
They wake up and they kind ofjust sip their cup of coffee or
walk out onto their balcony andthey have this like very zen
kind of day morning and that'stheir way.

(03:20):
That was their level ofself-care.
My level of self-care, where Ithrive the most is when I can
get up and go.
I tend to get up go.
The way my morning routine worksis I get up, I walk my dog
immediately.
I have kind of that time.
I've been kind of timing it nowthat I'm revamping my morning
routine and I have about 35 to45 minutes of walking my dog

(03:44):
because I have a shit to Maltesemix and he likes to smell
everything before he can just go.
So I literally take that timeand I walk around and I clear my
mind and I'm getting somesunlight and it's kind of I'm
habit stacking a lot of mymorning routine and so after I
get up and walk my dog, I bringhim back in and then I give him

(04:06):
food and he gets water, andwhile he's doing that I go off
and I go work out and then I gomove my body and then I kind of
have that slow time to wheremaybe I journal whatever I've
been thinking.
Because my mind, my brain, workswhen I'm in movement.
I don't have a lot of zen whenI'm still.

(04:27):
I'm just thinking about all ofthe things that I could be doing
while I'm still.
That was my life.
So I'm kind of like why would Ihave a slow morning and just
sit and think about all thethings that I could be doing?
And it's ironic because a lotof my friends, my close friends,
they do the slow mornings.
I have my best friend.
She's a massage therapist.

(04:48):
My other friend, she's retired,and I have a lot of yogi
friends.
So all of them have beentowards these slow mornings,
these slow days and all of thesethings.
And I remember them talkingabout even like something about
your nervous system and all ofthese things.
And I'm just like my nervoussystem likes to go, like I likes
to be on the go, and when I hadthis herniated disc injury a

(05:11):
year ago I was not able to go.
I literally had to stay in thebed and it didn't put me in a
good place mentally because Iwasn't able to just get up and
go.
And so as I moved through thatinjury, I kind of worked around
it Like I started walking but Iwasn't like running.
You know I love so manydifferent modalities when it

(05:34):
comes to moving my body.
I don't like to put myself in abox and be like I'm a runner or
I lift weights or I do bar andPilates, or I do this Like lift
weights, or I do bar and Pilates, or I do this like I'd like to
do it all.
I'm a person that really enjoysvariety.
So I will never fully commit toone specific thing.
That's part of my Enneagram,because you always feel like

(05:55):
well, what if I'm mixing outwith this thing?
And like what if there's a daythat I don't feel like doing
this one thing?
Like I like to always givemyself freedom and options to do
whatever my body feels likedoing.
So I never with my movement, Inever say, okay, tomorrow I'm
going to do this.
I have a set plan, but if Ifeel differently, I can always

(06:16):
change it and I can alwaysswitch it up and that's what
makes me feel most comfortable.
So when this happened a yearago, I was just doing a whole
bunch of different things Likewhat can I do to move my body in
a way that's going to give methe same results of just having
me get out of my head?
Because when I move my body, Iget out of my mind, whatever
state that I wake up in.
When I experienced the most PMDDsymptoms.

(06:39):
My PMDD symptoms are mostactive in the morning and
they're horrible and I don'tlike them.
Like, that's my conclusion.
I feel the most negative likeas far as intrusive thoughts, as
far as overthinking, like Iliterally wake up to a whole
committee of like.
Like it's like all of theselittle voices that are saying

(07:00):
all of these different things,and I just use my morning
routine as a way to shut it outand take control over my mind
and my body and not let my mindand my body take control of me,
because I know what that feelslike and I have a lot of clients
that are in this space whereyou're first finding out that
you have premenstrual dysphoricdisorder and you're suffering a
lot mentally, like in your mind,I will always say cognitively,

(07:27):
the symptoms that happen in thebrain for me are way worse than
the symptoms that happen in mybody and there is a way that you
can use your mind to commandyour body on what to do.
But if you don't use your mindto command your body, then
you're just left to the defaultmode, which is suffering.
And so part of me not sufferingin PMDD was to get up and move
my body, and when I wasn't ableto do that in a way that was

(07:51):
kind of helping me the way itwas before, it made me like take
a step back and I was reallyfeeling kind of that victim
mindset, like oh my gosh, Ican't believe this is happening
to me.
Everything that I known to workfor me I wasn't able to do
because the neurosurgeon said ifyou go against what I'm telling
you, we're going to have to dosurgery on your back.

(08:13):
And it's risky.
And there's people when you'redealing with the spine, if they
make a wrong turn decision or ifyour body rejects something
like you can end up not walking.
And I remember when I had theherniated disc, what happened is
it herniated and pressed on thenerve of my left leg and so my
left leg was completely numb andtingling and it freaked me out

(08:35):
because I never imagined I livesuch an active life like I never
imagined not walking like that.
It kind of got my attention andit almost like it needed to be
something that dramatic in orderto get my attention to be like
wait a minute, I should probablyslow down, so fast forward.
That happened almost a year andsome change ago and I got past

(08:56):
it and I was so excited becauseI was back to doing all of the
active things that I wouldnormally do.
I thought that was a one-timething and I was not.
I was shocked.
I was going on a trip, or I wentto a trip to San Diego.
I've been going to San Diego alot lately to meet with clients

(09:16):
and also to do a lot of speakingengagements, and I went there
and I met with.
I went and worked and then Imet with friends over the 4th of
July weekend and then afterthat I went to a rave, I went to
a beach party, I did all of thethings that I love to do the
most and I felt great and I, mybody felt great and I worked out

(09:37):
every day and I went to thisgym in San Diego.
It's right next to the CartierHotel in San Diego.
I'm not sponsored by this, bythe way, but they're known as
being like the best gym, likeit's a full on.
I love it.
It has multi-levels, it haslike a little smoothie bar.
The people are so amazing.
They saw me again.
They were like you're back andI just felt like I was in my

(10:00):
element back around you know,just the environment.
That made me feel my best.
And what I will always say aboutyour PMDD morning routine is,
whether you're the partner thathas PMDD or the partner that
doesn't, you have to do whatmakes you feel your best.
You cannot get into the realmof looking at what everybody
else does and thinking like, oh,I'm going to go do that Like if

(10:21):
it doesn't work for you.
Trust me, don't do it Like ifmovement didn't work for me, if
it didn't shift my mindset, ifit didn't help me feel better, I
probably wouldn't do it.
But I do it because it makes mefeel my best and you really
have to go on that journey offiguring out what makes you feel
your best.
I have a lot of clients wherejournaling is their thing.
So the way that I move my bodyis the way that they move their

(10:46):
pen on paper.
They just need to write, write,write, write, write, and
there's no right or wrong way,it's just the way that makes you
feel your best.
And so I was coming off of thishigh, of this amazing weekend,
and I woke up the next morningand I didn't really have any
clients that morning.
I woke up like five o'clock inthe morning, because that's
another thing.
I'm like an early bird, like we.
I talk a lot about the sleepchronotype, like I'm the lion,

(11:08):
I'm the most productive firstthing in the morning and I my
daughter was still sleeping.
She's like a bear, so shesleeps in and I let her sleep in
because I know that she's herbest once she's fully rested.
So I don't force her to be onmy schedule and that's something
that I think a lot of timespartners and sufferers like

(11:29):
really have a hard time with.
When you have a partner that isnot on the same wavelength as
you as far as like a wake uptime, like you almost feel like,
oh, if you're compatible,you're both waking up at the
same time.
But and I used to think thattoo, because a lot of my exes
were like morning people and Iwas like we're so compatible.
But then I dated people thatslept in and it's kind of like

(11:51):
it gave me time to kind of do myroutine, so that wasn't like a
deal breaker the way that I usedto think that it was.
And so I had woken up earlythat morning, my body feeling
great, and I had these dishes inthe dishwasher and I leaned
over to I had already had myworkout clothes on, because one
of the things that I docognitively to shift my brain is

(12:13):
when I wake up in the morning,I immediately put my workout
clothes on.
That way, my body is my bodyand my mind is primed to say
we're working out.
I don't ask myself a lot ofquestions in the morning Like am
I going to do my morningroutine?
Am I going to work out?
Like, don't ask yourself ifyou're sleepy and groggy.
The answer is always going tobe no.
You're not going to beconsistent that way.
So the way you form a habit isyou just do the things that are

(12:38):
consistent with that habit youdon't really like, ask yourself
on and off are you going to doit, are you not going to do it?
So I had my workout clothes on,I was making my lemon water,
which I make every singlemorning.
I cut a lemon and I squeeze itinto water that's warm not warm,
but like room temperature.
Don't do cold water.
You're not supposed to do coldwater first thing in the morning

(13:00):
because it shocks your symptom.
Fyi, I am a personal trainer,so I do know these things and
that's one of my billion jobs.
But I was sipping my lemon waterand then I was listening to, I
think, a devotional on myheadset, my headphones, and I
leaned over to get a plate outof the dishwasher and I felt the

(13:21):
same pop that I felt when Iherniated my disc almost a year
and some change ago, and Iimmediately stood up as much as
I could and I had like a moment.
It was definitely a moment ofPTSD because it's the amount,
it's the most excruciating painthat I've ever felt in my life.

(13:42):
I literally had my daughter,natural, and my daughter was
nine pounds, seven ounces, 21inches.
I didn't do any epidural, anydrugs or anything and I promise
you this pain that I was feelingis like I think it's because
it's nerve pain that it was like10 times worse than that.
I was like, oh my gosh, becauseit's an uncontrollable pain

(14:04):
where once something happens inmy back, it shoots down to the
nerve and then it's likestraight numbing and tingling
and just pain, excruciating pain, and so it was like five
something in the morning and Ifreaked out but I couldn't move,
so it was like an internalfreak out.
I was like, oh my gosh, oh mygosh, oh my gosh, and I didn't
want to wake up, was like aninternal freak out.
I was like, oh my gosh, oh mygosh, oh my gosh, and I didn't

(14:26):
want to wake up.
My daughter I had friends thatI could have called, but again,
this was like.
I think it was like the Mondayafter 4th of July weekend, so
like everybody pretty much hadthe day off, everybody was
sleeping in.
They were probably still havingbarbecues here in the US to
celebrate 4th of July.
I was about to say Labor Dayand I was just freaking out
because I'm like, no, this can'tbe.

(14:47):
Like I'm way past this, likewhat's going on?
And so I tried to move and Iliterally my leg was like my
right leg this time.
Last time I was my left leg.
My right leg was like deadweight, like I was literally
having to drag it, and I wasfreaking out because I don't
like to disturb people when I'min pain.
That's probably a traumaresponse for me, because I've

(15:08):
never really had people to takecare of me.
I've never really had peoplethat when I'm suffering, that
are just there for me.
So I'm used to just figuring itout on my own.
So I was like, okay, I need togo to the hospital, I need to go
to the emergency room.
This is not something that Ican ignore.
Obviously, I'm not going towork out.
And so the first thing that Ineeded to do I was in these like

(15:29):
stretchy workout pants.
I was like I need to get intosome comfortable clothes because
in my mind, I'm about to be atthe hospital for the day.
So I went and was able tochange into some sweatpants,
could barely lift up my legs.
I had to pull it in order toput my legs through, in order to
get into my sweatpants.
And I remember thinking like howam I going to get outside?

(15:52):
I have to get my car, have todrive to the emergency room,
which was like 25 minutes away,and I was like I have to wake up
my daughter, which I reallyreally, really don't like doing
Not because she's ever cranky oranything like that but I just
feel like a burden.
And I noticed that, likepsychologically, there was a lot
going on with me, because it'slike why aren't you asking for

(16:16):
help?
You're in excruciating pain,like what's going on.
So I ended up going to her roomknocking on the door and I'm
like, hey, like remember thattime I had to going to her room
knocking on the door and I'mlike, hey, like remember that
time I had to go to the hospitala year ago and I was stuck in
there and I came back and Icouldn't really walk.
Like that happened again.
So I need to go to the hospital.
And she immediately popped up.
She's like, ok, and I evenlooked down at my dog.

(16:38):
I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm notgoing to be able to walk, leo.
Like I was just literallythinking about all of my
responsibilities instead ofmyself, and so I was telling my
daughter I'm like okay, justlike get me to the car, like.
And I was like, well, I don'treally know how I'm going to get
to the car because I'm in suchpain and what happens is when
you herniate your disc or whenyou pull something after

(16:59):
herniated disc, the longer youwait, the more excruciating the
pain is, because the more ittravels down to your nerve and
this time it was the nerve of myright-hand leg.
Last time I had lost feeling ofmy leg by the time I got to the
hospital.
So I'm trying to speed up theprocess.
I'm like okay, and so mydaughter kind of looks at me and

(17:19):
she's like I'm going to callone of our friends that don't
live far and she's like they'lltake you because they're the
same people that picked me upfrom the hospital like a year
ago, and I was like, no, they'reprobably sleeping, like just,
I'll be fine, and all of thesethings.
So it literally took me like 15to 20 minutes just to make it
from my front door to the car.

(17:42):
We didn't have a cane or awalker or anything.
So I literally put my weight on.
My daughter was like, oh, wehave an umbrella, but she put it
upside down.
So that way I wasn't likeputting my weight on the pointy
part, I was putting my weight onthe handle and I literally used
that because I could only movelike a couple of inches at a

(18:02):
time and I was just like okay,so I finally get in my car.
I had to pull myself up and getin the car and she's like are
you okay?
And I was just like yeah, but Iwas in excruciating pain so and
she was like well, be safe,like I.
She was like no, no, no, I'mgoing to go inside, I'm going to
call them, and I was like no, Iwas like no, I'll be fine, I'll

(18:24):
be fine, I'll be fine.
So I finally get and I startdriving and I feel the pain and
everything locking up on me andI was just like my gosh, I can't
believe this is happening again.
Then I get a call from thatsame friend that my daughter was
talking about and they're likewhere are you?
Are you in the car?
Like I'll come get you rightnow.

(18:44):
And I'm like no, no, I'll befine, but if I need anything,
like I'm probably not going tobe able to drive back because
they give you medicines to whereyou can't operate like
machinery.
So I was like I'll call you ifI need you.
And they're like okay, cause Icould come get you right now and

(19:06):
I'm like no, no, no, it's okay.
And part of me stopped andwondered what was my resistance
to getting help from them,because I absolutely needed help
.
I absolutely was in the mostpain that I've ever been in, but
there was something in me thatwas like no, no, I got it.
So I later found out that mydaughter, as soon as I left, had
literally called them and waslike my mom's trying to go to
the hospital.
She needs help.

(19:26):
Please help my mom.
And it was this big thing whereshe was so worried about me.
And that's when I felt it I waslike wait a minute, like if she
was that worried about me, butI wasn't that worried about
myself.
Like what was this resistance?
And I was like this issomething that I'm definitely
going to need to unpack.
So I spent that whole day and Igot an MRI.

(19:46):
So my herniated disc turnedinto I now have degenerated disc
disorder and when they said itI was like another disorder.
They were just like what?
And I was like nevermind, butbasically my lower disc, my L5
S1, right above my hipcompletely, is like degenerated.
It's like done, and it's fromyears and years and years of

(20:08):
doing all the things.
And so the pain was going to myright leg and they were
offering me all of this medicine.
Nothing was working, becausewhat I've noticed for me, like
when I have nerve pain, a lot ofthings don't work, so I don't
even bother taking them.
I'm like what's the point?
So I ended up staying in thehospital for the day after they
did the x-rays and MRIs and metwith the neurosurgeon, who was

(20:30):
kind of like, looking at me,like what did you do?
And I'm just like, oh my gosh.
And they basically was likestay off of it.
And I was like I was.
So I didn't want to hear thatbecause I felt like I was in a
good place, where I was back onmy morning routine.
I was back on doing all thethings and once again someone
was telling me to slow down.
And I was talking to all myfriends and of course they're

(20:51):
like you need to slow down.
And I was just like slowingdown is a scam, I don't want to
do it, like I'm just, this isdumb.
Like I can, I can find a way towork around it.
And then I literally had afriend who had the same injury
that I had, that didn't listen.
And she ended up having to havemetal and a metal rod in her
back.
And she literally had aconversation with me, like like.

(21:13):
She was like look, here's myscar.
I was out for nine months.
I wasn't able to walk.
Do you want to be like me?
Like, do you want the sameinjury?
Like, why are you playing withyour body like this?
And I was just like, fine, Idon't want that to happen.
I fine, I'll slow down.
And what I noticed is, as Islowed down, it was affecting me

(21:36):
more mentally than it wasphysically.
Like, yes, physically I was inpain, but mentally I was not
comfortable.
And what I noticed is I wasused to being hypervigilant,
really on high alert, like Igotta do this, I gotta do this,
I gotta do this.
And what happens when you're inthat space is your nervous
system is always on.

(21:56):
Your nervous system is alwayson.
So when you go into your lutealphase and you go into PMDD and
you're always on, and thensomething happens like that,
you're just overstimulated andit causes a lot of your symptoms
to be worse.
And so I know this because I'veworked on my clients with this.
But I was just like I didn'tthink that I was going to have

(22:19):
to be at this point where I'mliterally working on my nervous
system, because I felt like Iwas very self-aware.
I felt like I could still go,go, go, go go.
And that's when I realized mynervous system was completely
jacked, like it was completelyout of alignment.
And I'm going to show you whatthat looks like.
Because I had gotten to a pointwhere I was used to my nervous

(22:42):
system being like that, likethat was almost a norm and I
felt like that's how it neededto be in order for me to get all
of the things done.
And so I gave myself threeweeks of not doing my morning
routine, like I did my morningroutine, but I didn't do any
exercise or any like realmovement outside of walking.
And then I took this trip to.

(23:03):
I was just in Cabo last week, inMexico, and it was the, and
normally when I go on a vacation, I'm on excursions, I'm on an
ATV, I'm ziplining, I'm hikingup some mountain, I'm doing all
of these really physical things.
But I really felt like Icommitted to giving my body a
break and allowing it to heal,because the things that happened

(23:24):
with this injury is time,because I remember it, last time
I did all of these things, butthe only thing that really
healed it was time, and so I'mlike man, I'm going to have to
give it time again.
And what I learned in that weekthat I was in Cabo and I didn't
go on an excursion and I didn'thave an alarm to wake me up and
I didn't have any plans for theday is I had finally allowed

(23:49):
myself to be instead of do.
Now I was in my luteal phaseand I know that if I didn't have
this injury, I would have beenon there ziplining anyway and
doing all of these things thatwere probably wrecking my
nervous system and I would havebeen like, oh, but it's fun, or
oh, but it's this, and oh, butit's that.
I'm making memories, like allof these things.

(24:11):
But I allowed myself to just be, and I have a sleep app that I
use.
It's called Sleep Cycle.
So if you have the Apple againnot sponsored, but I'm trying to
share what I use it's orangeand it's called Sleep Cycle and
basically it monitors.
I do pay for it because I doobviously invest in my health

(24:32):
and all the things, just like Itell you to do.
So I know that sleep is one ofthose things that's really
important and really impactsyour luteal phase and PMDD.
So I always like to see thepatterns.
So I've been using Sleep Cyclefor over three years now, so it
knows my patterns of sleep, mypatterns of snoring, sleep
talking, all of the things andit literally gave me a sleep

(24:53):
score of like the first nightwas like 95.
Normally my range was like inthe seventies or something, and
it's not based off of the amountof hours that you're sleeping,
it's about the amount of hoursand time that you're actually
resting.
And so I got into this pointwhere I was like, why am I
getting?
Like?
I felt amazing and part of mewanted to get up and move.

(25:16):
I'm like, oh, I could go to thegym.
I literally didn't pack myselfany gym clothes just because I
knew that if I did, I would tryto like sneak myself over to the
gym they have a really good gym, by the way.
And so I didn't go to the gym,but I just continued to relax
and I felt so much peace and somuch clarity and I was out of

(25:37):
the realm of doing.
I was just being, and it wasalmost like unwrapping this kind
of gift that I hadinadvertently given myself by
not doing the things.
It was almost like by doingless I was really doing more,
which I had heard people say,like even my business mentor
that I have.
One of her programs is calledWork Less, make More, and she's

(26:00):
basically like you need to doless to regulate again your
nervous system and all of thethings in order for you to be
most optimal for when youactually do do things.
So I was really thinking aboutthis in my PMDD relationships,
because every relationship thatI've had while having PMDD and
I've had PMDD for over 19 yearsnow I've always done my morning

(26:23):
routine and I've always beenlike you need to get on board.
Like whoever I'm with, they hadto pretty much keep up with me
in the mornings or they weregoing to be left in the dust,
and what I mean by that is Iwasn't one of those people that
would just like get up in themorning and like snuggle in and
like cuddle and like talk aboutlife.

(26:43):
Like I did all that stuff atnighttime.
Like morning time I was get upand go, and I remember I had a
partner before that really likedto have a slow morning and I
was just like we're notcompatible, like I will never be
in a place where I'm justsnuggling with my partner in the
morning, not thinking aboutthings to do, not talking about
a to-do list, just being.

(27:04):
I didn't allow myself to just beand I had to really dig deep to
figure out why.
What was the reason that Ididn't want to be in that place
of just being?
And I think it's because I hadthis fear of not being taken
care of.
I had this fear that if Ididn't do all of these things,
that they weren't going to getdone.

(27:24):
And what that was was a verybig lack of trust in anyone else
, including my partner,supporting me, because I didn't
leave anything to chance.
I didn't leave anything forthem to do, I left, I took on
everything.
And when you take on everything,your nervous system is
completely out of whack becauseyour brain it goes in line with

(27:47):
what your nervous system isfeeling, like you have to do,
like your mind is saying, oh, wegot to do this, we got to do
this, we got to do this, andthen the nervous system is kind
of responding to that and itgoes into this state of panic.
And when you have PMDD,everything feels overwhelming at
that time and that was the normfor me I just thought feeling
overwhelmed was like a normalsymptom of having PMDD, like, oh

(28:10):
, I have PMDD, I'm feelingoverwhelmed.
Well, I was in my luteal phaseand for the first time in ever,
I didn't feel stressed, I didn'tfeel overwhelmed.
Did I have things to do?
Absolutely.
Was I doing most of them in themorning?
Absolutely not.
I just allowed myself to justbe.
My only job was just to get upand have peace and tranquility

(28:32):
and to just sit with myself andreally figure out what was going
on in my mind, pretty muchdoing all of the mental work
that I would have done while Iwas on my walk or while I was in
the gym.
I was doing it while not moving, which lowered my risk to my
nervous system because it wasshowing on my app like your
sleep is better.
And at first, the first night,I thought it was a fluke, but

(28:54):
every single night that I wasthere, my sleep score was in the
nineties and it was consistentand it would literally was like
whatever you're doing, keepdoing it.
And I was like I'm literallydoing nothing.
Like that was the mind shiftthe app literally told me cause
it can.
It gives you the data, but thenyou can kind of summarize it in
words and it literally saidwhatever you're doing, keep it

(29:16):
up.
Well, the problem was I wasn'tdoing anything and so I'm like
I'm like, okay, well, how isthis?
How is this a thing that doingless literally feel better,
thing, that doing less, Iliterally feel better?
I had more like present.
I was more present with mydaughter, like we were at the
pool and you know, I evenmentioned going on some

(29:37):
excursions, but then I wentagainst it.
I was like no, I'm not going tofill this time, because I kept
feeling the urge to fill thetime with all of the things I
kept feeling.
I kept feeling the urge to fillthe time with going to the gym.
I kept feeling the urge to fillthe time with going to the gym.
I kept feeling the urge to fillthe time with going on an ATV
ride and a camel ride and all ofthese things, riding whatever
they had on the street, and Ijust said no, like there was no

(29:59):
reason to add anything to what Iwas doing, but there was some
resistance towards going slower.
So I really had to ask myselfwhy I had this lack of trust,
because that was the core of it.
I journaled about it, Iprocessed it.
So I really had to ask myselfwhy I had this lack of trust.
Because that was the core of it.
I journaled about it, Iprocessed it, like I tell my
clients to do, and I really wastrying to prove myself.

(30:19):
I felt like by doing, you canprove yourself.
By being, you're not reallydoing anything to prove yourself
.
And then I was like I wasworking with a client.
I literally said something andI was like stop trying to prove
yourself to your PMDD partner.
And I was saying it to myclient, but there was something
in me.
I was like where did that comefrom?
There was something in me thatresonated with that so much

(30:42):
because I had always been tryingto prove myself to the people
that were in my life provemyself to my daughter, prove
myself to my partner, provemyself as a little girl to my
parents in order to prove thatI'm worthy.
And I finally was in this placewhere I'm not proving anything,
I'm just being, and being shouldbe enough.

(31:03):
Because was I asking?
I had to think about it.
I was like do I ask my daughterto prove herself to me in order
for me to love her.
No, just the fact that she's mydaughter, just the fact that I
love her, is enough.
When I have partners, do I askthem to prove themselves to me
and be like you need to makesure that you do this and this
and this, and then I'll love andcare for you.
No, I don't do that.
I require them to do verylittle.

(31:32):
I just allow them to be.
I actually want my partners tobe the most authentic version of
themselves.
I never want a partner to feellike that.
They need to be a differentversion of themselves in order
to be with me.
And when you're proving you'renot being authentic, you're not
being the core of who you are,you're proving yourself to your
partner because you feel likeyou need to be the version of
you that they want in order forthem to love you.
But what happens is when you'rein that proving mode where

(31:53):
you're doing most of the doingversus the being.
If, at any moment, you takeyour foot off the gas and you
get sick or you get a herniateddisc injury and you can't do all
the things, you're going tofeel less worthy because you're
not doing anything.
And that was the state that Iwas in.
I was not feeling worthy ofanything because I wasn't doing
and I literally had to say Idon't need to prove myself to

(32:16):
anyone in order to be loved andaccepted.
That was the mantra that I gotfrom my processing.
It is I don't need to provemyself to anyone in order to be
loved and accepted.
And I literally started cryingbecause I recognized the root of
where that came from.
You know, growing up in fostercare, which I did when you're

(32:37):
looking to be adopted, you gointo these different foster care
homes and you have to provethat you're a good girl and you
have to prove that you're notgonna be a problem and you have
to prove all of these things inorder for that family to accept
you, to want you to love you, totake care of you.
So when you grow up with afoundation that's like that,

(32:57):
like I did, it kind of stickswith you until you do that
reparenting thing which I'mpresently working on is
reparenting myself to know thatI don't have to prove myself to
any partner in any relationship,including my parental one, in
order to be accepted.

(33:18):
There's certain characteristicsthat I have that everybody has,
that people love about you,like oh, I love that you're so
bubbly, I love that you're sothis, or I love that you're so
wise, I love that you're sointrospective.
Or I love that you're soresponsible.
Or I love that you're so wise,I love that you're so
introspective.
Or I love that you're soresponsible, or I love that
you're so on time.
There's all of these labelsthat you put on the reasons why
you love people, and then whathappens is when you're not able

(33:41):
to live up to that version thatpeople love you for, you start
to feel less about yourself,because if I'm not on time and
they love that I'm on time thenthey're not going to love me.
That was the mentality that Iwas in and a lot of my private
clients was in, and the one thatI was working with while I was
in Cabo was in that mindset.
There was this hyper-vigilanceright, like I need to do this, I

(34:04):
need to make sure I do this forhim and I need to make sure I
do this for him.
I need to make sure I do thisfor him and I need to make sure.
And then I had a couple ofclients.
There was another one and hewas like a partner.
He was like I need to make sureI do this for her and I need to
be more supportive and I needto be more of this and I need to
make sure.
And there's this nervous systemdysregulation.
That was very clear to mebecause, again, when you're on
the outside looking in, it'seasier to detect it versus me

(34:26):
detecting it myself.
So I saw it in my clients,which allowed me to see it
within myself.
I was like, wait a minute.
I typically do the same thing.
I get really anxious.
I need to make sure I do thisand make sure I do that.
And even if it's acting outsideof my normal character, I feel
like it's par for the course,like, oh, I'm in a relationship,
so of course I'm going to dothis.
And I just remember thinkingwhile I was there because I was

(34:50):
there for a whole week, I wasthere for five days I'm tired of
proving myself to partners.
I'm tired of feeling like andthis is self-inflicted meaning
they're not asking me to do itI'm doing it myself and I'm
burning myself out trying toprove myself to partners and not
feeling like I could just bewhoever I was, in, whatever

(35:13):
phase of my cycle.
If I'm in my luteal phase and Ifeel like laying down and
taking a nap.
I used to even say when I sayused to, I mean like a month ago
I'm not a nap person, I justcan't nap.
I don't feel like it.
I would be exhausted, but Iwould feel like I couldn't nap.
Not because anyone told me thatI couldn't nap, but I felt like

(35:33):
if I took a nap, all of thethings that I needed to do were
just going to be waiting for me.
So what's the point?
I might as well just stressmyself out and do them, and I
was burning my nervous systemout.
I needed this trip more than Irealized, because I needed to be
put back in that position ofwhere I couldn't stress out my

(35:55):
nervous system and I could justbe and just see how my body was
responding to that.
So I know I keep talking aboutthe nervous system, so let me
just explain to you what it is.
The nervous system is basicallylike your body's command center
.
Right In your nervous systemthere's your brain, there's your
spinal cord Remember I told youabout my spine and my herniated
disc and it's your nerves andit controls how you think, how

(36:18):
you feel, how you move andrespond to the world around you.
So there's two parts of yournervous system.
There is the central nervoussystem, which is the brain and
the spinal cord.
Right, that was the part that Iwas burning out a lot.
I was like I need to do this, Ineed to do this, I need to do
this, and my spinal cord wasfeeling the pressure of always
having to be on.

(36:38):
And then there's the peripheralnervous system, which is the
nerves that connect the brainand the body.
So, when it comes to youremotions and your relationships
and your PMDD relationships, wewant to really focus on the
autotomic nervous system, theANS, so autonomic.
So, basically, it's the partthat runs subconsciously,

(37:00):
without conscious thought, likeautomatically, and it's based a
lot about your habits, right,it's like oh, what does she
normally do, or what does henormally do.
That's the way that yournervous system is reacting to it
.
We have the sympathetic nervoussystem, which is the fight, the
flight and the freeze, which isin survival mode, which was my
consistent state.
I was always hypervigilant,like I need to do this, I need

(37:23):
to do this, and sometimes, whenyou're in the fight or flight or
freeze, it doesn't always looklike survival mode.
It almost can look like it'sgreat, like it's fun, like
you're getting things done,you're being really productive,
you're doing all of the things.
And I was really resisting thepart that I was forced to be in
while I was in Cabo, which isthe parasympathetic nervous

(37:47):
system.
I didn't even want to say itLike.
That's the level of resistance.
You can even hear the sigh.
I'm just like cause.
I always knew about theparasympathetic nervous system.
I follow all the people.
I know all the things.
I've learned about it in mystudies.
I worked with a lot of clientson it, but I just almost thought
that I didn't need to go thatroute.

(38:08):
Like I didn't want to go thatroute because it was that rest,
digest and connect mode.
It was that regulation mode.
It was that person that woke upin the morning and cuddled with
their partner.
It was that person that wentabout their morning or their day
without worrying about things,without stressing about things,

(38:29):
without being hypervigilant,without having all of these what
ifs.
And I think a lot of times whenyou're in your luteal phase and
your nervous system is whacked,it's always scanning for a
threat, right.
So it really shapes how youreact to your partner.
I remember so many times,specifically during my morning

(38:49):
routine where my partner wouldtry to say or do something to me
and I would literally snap.
I would be like what do youwant?
I'm doing this, don't you see?
I'm in my morning routine.
I just wanted to be left alonebecause I needed to get all of
these things done.
Almost like my brain couldn'tslow down until I got all of
these things done.
And then I would kind of gointo the parasympathetic nervous

(39:10):
system where I would rest anddigest and connect.
And I remember saying to apartner before like once I'm
finished everything in mymorning routine, then we can
connect, then we can talk aboutthe day, Whereas my partner
wanted to talk about the dayfirst thing.
And I'm just like I can't wrapmy head around what I want to do
or what I want to say firstthing in the morning and I put
that on the realms of boundaries.

(39:31):
I was like I'm setting myboundaries, I don't want to talk
to you before my morningroutine is done, and I have a
lot of regrets for that becauseit's not sustainable for a
relationship.
Yes, you want to set boundaries.
Yes, you want to make sure thatyou're giving yourself what it
is that you need in order tofeel your best, but when you're

(39:53):
holding back connection which iswhat the parasympathetic
nervous system does when you'reholding that back, when your
partner may be needing that orwanting that or desiring that,
then they're put in a place ofactivating their sympathetic
nervous system, which is theirfight and their flight and their
freeze.
What this looks like is yourpartner is going to connect with

(40:14):
you Maybe you're getting out ofthe bed and they're pulling you
back in close to them, orthey're wanting to talk about
the day, and you're like I justneed to go do this, I just need
to go do this, and so that'syour sympathetic nervous system,
like you're.
You're like oh, I don't havetime to connect with you right
now, and you're not reallysaying it in those words, but
that's basically what you'redoing.
You're saying I don't have timeto connect with you.
I need to do this laundry listof things on my to-do list, and

(40:37):
so what that does is, as youleave your partner in the dust,
pretty much, they go into thatfight or flight or freeze.
They're wondering if there'ssomething that they said or if
there's something that they done, or what can they do to get you
back into that place where yoursympathetic.
Your parasympathetic nervoussystem is ready to rest, digest
and connect.
Your partner is wanting you toactivate your parasympathetic

(41:01):
nervous system so that you canconnect with them.
And when you're in that fight orflight or freeze that survival
mode, when you're in your lutealphase, because you're like I
got to do this, I got to do thatYou're not going to be able to
connect with your partner andit's going to freak them out and
they're going to get to theplace where they start to make
up a story in their mind as towhy you're in the state that
you're in, to make up a story intheir mind as to why you're in

(41:23):
the state that you're in,because all they're wanting is
to connect with you.
But your nervous system is soout of whack that you're not
even in a place where yourparasympathetic nervous system
can connect with your partner.
And when they don't feel thatconnection, a lot of times
partners feel really anxiousbecause they're wondering if
they did something wrong.
They're feeling insecure aboutthe relationship.
They may become jealous.
They're wondering if they didsomething wrong.

(41:44):
They're feeling insecure aboutthe relationship.
They may become jealous.
All of these things happenbecause you have broken
connection from them.
And so when you have PMDD, yournervous system is often, very
often, in your luteal phase, ina state of dysregulation,
meaning it's stuck in overdrive.
It's either in overdrive, likemine normally is, or it's in
shutdown mode.
Right, it's in shutdown modebecause you're just like

(42:05):
everything is too overwhelming,I'm just blah, like I don't have
the emotional capacity toreally do anything.
And so I want to just talk toyou about what it looks like for
you and your partner to haveyour nervous system be
dysregulated, because that'swhere I was living in and that's

(42:26):
what I'm presently pullingmyself out of, because I'm
recognizing that and I'm gladthat I'm doing this while I'm
single because I'm recognizinghow unhealthy it is to have a
dysregulated nervous system in aPMDD relationship, like it's
not going to work and it's notfair to your partner and it's
not fair to you because itcauses you to live under the

(42:48):
pressure and the realm ofoverworking yourself and you're
going to get burnt out.
And then you're going to getresentful because there's
something inside of you that'stelling you that you need to do
things, and it doesn't even haveto be your partner.
There's something inside of youthat's like pushing you.
I need to do this and I need todo that.
And a lot of times, yourpartner doesn't even want you to
do all the things that you'refeeling like you need to do.
It is your internal nervoussystem that is telling you you

(43:12):
need to do this and you need todo that because it's having you
avoid sitting with your regularsymptoms of PMDD.
Because what I did was, when Iwas in Cabo, I just sat with
feeling the fatigue and I sleptlonger.
This is what I had to forcemyself to do as far as
regulating my nervous system.
I would immediately wake upearly and I would tell myself

(43:35):
you're still tired, you go backto sleep.
You're still tired, you go backto sleep.
And when I told myself that, Iwent back to sleep and gave my
body the rest that it needed.
So that was me activating myparasympathetic nervous system
by giving my body the rest thatit needed, instead of forcing my
body to get up and do all ofthe things.

(43:57):
So if you think about thiswaking up in the morning, if
you're fully rested and you'veactivated your parasympathetic
nervous system and yourpartner's trying to cuddle with
you, you're going to be inviting.
You're going to be in therealms of connecting.
You're going to be in therealms of being loving and
affectionate and supportive andwanting to like, lean into them.
But when you're in that realmof your nervous system being

(44:19):
dysregulated and you're in thatrealm of feeling like you need
to do instead of be yoursympathetic, nervous system is
going to be activated and you'regoing to be annoyed.
You're going to be triggered byyour partner trying to connect
with you at a time where youfeel like you can't, and you may
say that this is a PMDD thing,where you're like I can't just
relax, I can't just sit.
Still, that's PMDD.
Telling you that that's not youdoing what your body actually

(44:42):
needs you to do.
When you're doing what yourbody needs you to do, there's
peace with that.
So what I found is, even when Idid all of the things, I still
didn't have peace with it.
I was still like on the go.
It was like somebody draggingme around my day and I was like
I got to do this and I got to dothat, and so here's some signs
that your nervous system aredysregulated.

(45:05):
For the individual that has PMDD, there's a lot of explosive
reactions that the fight ishappening right.
So we're talking about thefight, the flight or the freeze.
So you're having sudden PMDDrage, you're yelling and you're
name calling and you're blamingand you're attacking your
partner for very small thingsthat they may or may not be
doing intentionally, and you'refeeling out of control.

(45:27):
But you're also unable to stop.
How many times have you been inyour luteal phase where you
could almost see yourself goingoff on PMDD rage but you're not
able to stop it?
You're not able to stop it, butyou can see yourself doing it
and it doesn't even really feelgood to you.
It definitely doesn't feel goodto your partner.
That means that you have yournervous system being

(45:47):
dysregulated.
The next thing is the flight,and we all know about this.
This is the PMDD monthlybreakups feeling like you have
to leave the room, you have toleave the house, you have to
leave the relationship, likesomething horrible is going to
happen unless you get the heckup out of there.
You're saying things to yourpartner like I can't do this
anymore or I'm done.
You're doing it impulsively.

(46:07):
You can be in the middle of aconversation and then, all of a
sudden, you're telling them youknow what?
I can't do this anymore, Ican't have this conversation, I
can't talk to you about this.
I can't be in this space withyou.
You, you're basically repulsedby their presence because they
are causing your nervous systemto be so dysregulated.
That interaction is and yourheart is racing, your breath is

(46:29):
shallow and you're feeling likeif you don't get out of there,
you're not going to survive.
That is the panic, or the urgeto escape, and the next thing is
the freeze right, it is theemotional numbness, or you're
shutting down.
Your partner may be telling youall of these things that
they're complaining about orthat they need you to do, and
instead of you conversating withthem, you just go silent.

(46:51):
You just shut down midconversation.
I've done this so many timeswhere it's like I don't even
have any more words to say.
I feel like I'm watching thefight from outside of my body.
My partner's going off.
They're saying all of thesethings, they're talking about
the altercation.
My brain is fogged, like Idon't even know the details
anymore and I'm just sittingthere and I'm just saying I
don't care.
Like if you want to leave, youcan leave.

(47:13):
If you don't want to be here,you don't have to be there.
Like this is when you're inthat part with your PMDD partner
, where, if they're saying Ican't take this anymore.
If you keep doing this, I'm notgonna be able to survive.
And then you're literallysaying, okay, well, if you don't
feel like you could be here,then you can just leave, like I
don't know what to tell you.
So you're going cold to protectyourself.
You're putting a shell You're ashell of a person in order to

(47:37):
protect yourself because of yournervous system being
dysregulated.
And then we go into the fawnwhich I you know.
I remember I talked about acouple of episodes where I was
dealing with my psychotherapistand she was like, yeah, you're a
people pleaser.
Or when you get inrelationships, you have the, you
have the propensity to be apeople pleaser.
This is when you're overapologizing or you're people

(47:58):
pleasing.
You're saying sorry just tostop the fight.
Even if you feel like you'reright, even if you're hurting,
you're over apologizing as ifyou're the cause of it.
I used to do that all the time.
I was like, okay, because Iwould try to find the biggest
escape mode.
Like how can we escape thisargument?
By me being the problem, by metaking all the blame for
everything?
Fine, I used to say like I willbe the blame just to keep the

(48:20):
peace.
So you're minimizing your ownneeds just to keep the peace,
and you're shifting immediatelyfrom rage so maybe you're angry
and all of the things.
And then, after you said allthe things that you, you know,
said that are below the belt,then you're feeling really
guilty because you're like, ohmy gosh, I hope they don't leave
me, like that was horrible, Ican't believe I said that.

(48:40):
And the last thing is you feellike you're genuinely going
crazy.
You can't tell if your reactionis valid, because you're
actually thinking and feelingabout a situation that actually
happened in your relationship,or if it's just PMDD.
You're feeling misunderstood,you're feeling unsupported and
you're feeling ashamed of youractions.
You're saying things that youdon't mean and then you're

(49:02):
punishing yourself becauseyou're regretting them
immediately.
First you feel justified insaying them like, yeah, you
deserve this, or you're notsupportive, or whatever you say
to your partner, and thenimmediately you feel guilty
because you're like that wasreally harsh.
It's almost like your brainshifts from you being in the ego
and you feeling justified to,all of a sudden, you're a
monster because you said thesehorrible things to your partner,

(49:24):
and so that's what it lookslike for your nervous system to
be dysregulated and for thepartner, you also can go through
this nervous systemdysregulation.
You can really go through thiswhole process without having
PMDD.
You can really go through thiswhole process without having
PMDD.
The biggest way that I see thiswith all of my clients is the

(49:47):
defensiveness.
You immediately get defensivewhen your partner says anything
that you've done that's notright or that doesn't make them
feel good.
You immediately get defensiveand there's a lack of
accountability that takes place.
You argue back aggressively,instead of you taking
accountability for what it isthat you've done to make your

(50:07):
partner feel a certain way, oreven addressing the actions that
you may have donesubconsciously, like I'm not
saying you did them maliciously.
I'm not saying you did them onpurpose, but I am saying if
they've affected your partner,you immediately go into well,
what about them?
They did this to me and theydid this to me.
And you're saying you always dothis.
And so you're bringing up pastarguments as ammunition to

(50:30):
defend yourself against theaccusations that your partner is
making about behaviors thathave triggered them.
So you're reacting with controlor threats to shut down the
accusations.
You're basically saying all ofthese things to get your partner
to stop having you holdyourself accountable for things
that you've said and donebecause in your mind, you're
like I didn't do them on purpose, like what are you talking

(50:52):
about?
And then you can go intoavoidance or withdrawal.
This is the flight mode, right?
You're leaving the roomimmediately, you're canceling
them on social media, you'reunfollowing them, you're turning
off your location on your phone.
You're disappearing emotionallyeven when you're still there,
and so you're thinking toyourself I'll just wait for this
phase to pass.
You're going on a drive.

(51:12):
You're spending a couple ofdays at your family or your
friend's house.
You're leaving them completelyto avoid the situation because
you're feeling so overwhelmedand you're just walking on
eggshells, which is somethingthat we always talk about,
walking on eggshells.
So you feel like a way to notwalk on eggshells is to
completely avoid the conflictthat you're having with your
PMDD partner, and the next thingis partners shut down and

(51:37):
freeze and detach.
The partner that has PMDD may besaying all of these things
about expressing themselves,being open and vulnerable and
saying these are the things thatyou're doing to trigger me or
to not be supportive of all ofthese things and you're just
being emotionally flat, oryou're numb and you're refusing
to engage.
You're just kind of like saying, okay, you're saying things
like I'm tired of this or like,whatever, whatever you say, like

(51:59):
what I, whatever I say, is notgoing gonna matter.
So, just, I guess I'm the badguy.
This is something that reallyhappens when you're in conflict
and you're going back and forthwith the individual that has
PMDD.
You're like, I guesseverything's my fault, nothing
is your fault.
I'm the bad guy.
You're feeling helpless anddisconnected from your partner
because you're feeling likethey're seeing you in this
negative light and there'snothing that you can do to fix

(52:21):
it.
They see you in this negativelight and it's just something
that you're just going to haveto deal with.
So the next thing that apartner can do is to just really
go into this over explaining.
Like you want to talk about thescenario again and again and
again.
You want to bring up oldscenarios that are relating to
the scenario and you're tryingto fix the situation that's
going on with the individualthat has PMDD.

(52:42):
You're suppressing your ownfeelings in order to keep the
peace.
You're not talking about how youfeel.
You're just saying, okay, well,maybe if I do this, then
they'll be more affectionatewith me, or maybe, if I do this
that they'll give me moreattention.
Maybe if I do this, thatthey'll feel like I'm doing a
good job.
You're saying it's fine, evenwhen you're hurting because
you're trying to avoid conflict.

(53:04):
You're walking on eggshells.
You don't know the right thingto say, so.
You're really not saying muchof anything.
You're definitely not sayinghow you really feel, which is
breaking down the intimacy.
Your partner never really knowshow you're genuinely feeling
because you're only telling themwhat you think that they want
to hear in order to avoid theconflict.
And the next thing you do aspartners is just like you take

(53:26):
everything that they're sayingand doing in PMDD, especially
the PMDD range, and you'retaking it personally and you're
feeling rejected as proof thatyou're not lovable.
You're literally feeling likethey don't love me.
I don't even think that theylike me.
You're feeling resentful andyou're feeling emotionally
bruised and you get to thispoint where you're really just

(53:47):
wondering is this relationshipeven worth it?
Because a lot of times withpartners, it's impacting every
other area of your life.
Every other area of your lifeis impacted by what is going on
in your PMDD relationship.
I've had individuals that havelost their jobs because of
fights that they've had in PMDD.
They're not able to justconcentrate.
I've had individuals that arefighting with their families

(54:09):
because they're trying tosupport their partner and it's
causing a rift between theirfamilies and they're going back
and forth.
And I've had individuals thathave had bad relationships with
the kids because you're tryingto take their place and the kids
are saying this, and so you'refeeling like you're caught in
the middle and so, basically,when your nervous system is

(54:30):
dysregulated whether you're thepartner or whether you're the
individual that's suffering withPMDD you get into the same
cycle of talking in circleswithout any resolution.
You're talking and talking andtalking about what happened, but
there's no solution to theproblem.
There's no next steps, there'sno things that you can do moving
forward.

(54:50):
There's a lot of interrupting.
Nobody can get their pointacross without someone
interrupting them.
There's a lot of yelling,there's a lot of cursing,
there's a lot of name callingand then there's a lot of going
silent.
Have you ever been in that placewhen you're in a conflict or a
fight with your PMDD partner andyou're like you know what,
forget it, like you're sayingall these things but you're
feeling like they're not gettingit.

(55:11):
Anyway, why am I wasting mymental and emotional energy,
talking to someone who is justnot getting it.
So you kind of feel stuck inthat all or nothing, thinking
like I guess this is just notgoing to work, like you don't
freaking get it.
You're never going to get it.
We've been in this place somany other times over the years,
over the months, over the days,all of these things.
So you're losing sense ofperspective during the fight,

(55:34):
like you're feeling like it'slife or death, like I guess this
relationship is just not goingto make it.
It's just not going to make it.
It's just not going to make it.
So what I've done with myclients when it comes to knowing
that your nervous system isdysregulated, I've created a
program that's really going tohelp you, because what I needed

(55:58):
to do and I had to do theresearch on this for myself as
well as my clients is to reallyunderstand.
You know I'm all about rewiringyour PMDD brain, but in this
aspect I'm like I don't reallythink that we need to rewire
your PMDD brain.
We need to rewire the rage yournervous system needs to heal.

(56:19):
In your PMDD relationship weneed to get it to the point
where you're recognizing thatyour nervous system is
dysregulated, but you're in aplace where you're willing to do
something about it.
So I created this program andI'll put the link in the show
notes for you to be able to getit but it's called Rewire the
Rage and it's nervous systemhealing.
So what it's going to do istake you out of that place of

(56:42):
feeling like you're walking oneggshells, feeling like you have
this uncontrollable rage andyou're getting back to a place
of just living in a state ofwhere do we want to be?
What did we learn on thisepisode?
That we really want to be inthat place where your
parasympathetic nervous system,that rest, that digest, that

(57:03):
connect, that place that'swilling to connect and hear and
meet your partner's needs andhave your needs met is activated
for not just a partner that hasPMDD, but the partner that
doesn't.
And what this course is reallygonna help you do is to give you
step-by-step because it's not aone-step thing Like I do this

(57:23):
one thing I just take a trip toCabo and all of a sudden, my
nervous system is regulated.
No, we really need tounderstand where it went wrong.
You really have to, and it'sdifferent for everybody.
This is why I created a courseon it because you have to really
dig deep.
For me, I had to recognize whatwas my reason for always feeling
like I had to do, do, do, go,go, go.

(57:46):
What did I tell you?
That was my childhood trauma.
That went back to my childhoodtrauma of making me from being
in foster care and gettingadopted and feeling like I
always had to be in this provingmode.
That's my story.
That's my case.
Your case can be completelydifferent, but if you don't go
to the root of the reasoning asto why your nervous system is

(58:08):
dysregulated, you're never goingto be able to switch it around
and get it regulated and be inthat place where you're able to
even catch yourself, becausewhat I had to do when I was on
vacation and even now, likerewiring my nervous system.
Now, every single time that Ifeel the urge because I do to go
back to that place ofdysregulation, I have to use the

(58:30):
tools because I know wherethat's going to take me.
I know the place that it'sgoing to take me and it's going
to take me to this place offeeling completely overwhelmed
and out of control.
And I have to recognize that'snot really a symptom of PMDD.
Specifically, it's a symptom ofmy nervous system being
dysregulated and right now I'min my luteal phase.

(58:50):
I'm on day seven and it'snormally my worst day and I'm
feeling so much peace, but it'snot on autopilot, right?
I'm not going to say that Ididn't have to do the work and I
didn't have to do anything andthat I don't have to
consistently do things Like thisprogram that I created.
I have to consistently usethese tools in order to keep
myself regulated.
So what we're going to do inthis course is to get you to a

(59:13):
place where you are recognizingwhat do you need to do to stay
in a regulated nervous system.
What does that look likespecifically for you?
So, if that's something thatyou know that you need help with
, you're really identifyingwhether you're the partner or
whether you're the individualthat has PMDD.
You're in this place of Ireally need to regulate my

(59:36):
nervous system so that I'm ableto connect with my partner.
Where I'm in a place where mypartner can connect with me,
because what I noticed is mebeing dysregulated.
My nervous system beingdysregulated was preventing my
partner from connecting with me,so it was kind of like linked
together, like until I got to aplace where I was regulating my
nervous system.
They were never able to connectwith me, even if their nervous

(59:58):
system was regulated, and so Iknow that this is something that
you don't normally go aroundtalking about, like, oh, my
nervous system, my nervoussystem.
Just think about it like this Ifyou're in a place where you're
fighting and arguing, and you'rein a cycle of fighting and
arguing in your luteal phase andevery single month in PMDD, and
you're really feeling like thisis not sustainable, like we
cannot keep going like thisbecause something is off and I'm

(01:00:21):
not feeling like this isworking, then this is going to
be the program for you, becauseit's going to get you to a place
where it's going to get you tohave clarity.
The biggest thing for me wasclarity on what was really going
on.
Once I really got clear okay,this is what's happening, this
is what's going wrong Then I wasin this place of like okay, now
I can do something about it.
But until you get clear, I wasin this place of like okay, now

(01:00:44):
I can do something about it.
But until you get clear, Ialways say you cannot heal what
you don't reveal.
So, and you get this course,you're really going to get to a
place where you're going to beable to get clarity on what's
really been going on and it'sgoing to make you feel better,
because what clarity does is itgives you hope.
It gives you hope that there'ssomething that you can do for
your PMDD relationships.
I look forward to you gettingthis course.

(01:01:05):
I look forward to hearing abouthow much it has helped you and
if you need a private sessionbefore or after the course, you
know the link is going to be inthe show notes or go to
inlovewithpmddcom.
But until next time we got this, I love you.