Understanding Your Unique Empathy Style and Its Impact on Relationships
Your unique form of empathy might be why you're experiencing disconnect in your relationships. It’s easy to assume that everyone should "just know" what you’re going through or what you need. We all have moments when we think others connect, understand, and empathize in the same way we do, but this simply isn’t true.
The 3 Types of Empathizers
1. Cognitive Empathizers
Cognitive empathizers use logic and personal experience to understand others. Their strength lies in their ability to ask insightful questions. However, they may assume that everyone should respond to situations the way they do, which can lead to misunderstandings.
2. Highly Sensitive People (HSPs)
HSPs utilize their heightened senses to better perceive and empathize with others. They are highly attuned to facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language, enabling them to accurately gauge others' feelings and experiences. However, they often mistakenly take on the responsibility for others' emotions as a way to preserve their own personal safety.
3. Empaths
While we often assume that someone with a high level of empathy is an empath, this isn’t always the case. Empaths literally feel what others are feeling. Their strength is their deep, intuitive understanding of others' emotions, which enhances their ability to empathize. However, empaths may struggle to differentiate their own feelings from those of others, making it challenging to maintain personal boundaries.
Embracing Your Empathy
Empathy manifests in various forms, each with its own strengths and challenges. By understanding and embracing these differences, you can foster deeper connections, enhance self-awareness, and create healthier relationships. Whether you're a cognitive empath, a highly sensitive person, or an empath, there are ways to develop and balance your empathic abilities for a more fulfilling life.
Are you interested in learning more about how you empathize, deepening your personal sensitivity, or working through the challenges that come from empathizing differently? Let’s work together.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker andI'm the life coach for empath
and highly sensitive people.
And today we're going to beexploring the three different
kinds of empathizers.
But before we do, I wanted toshare a few things with you.
I've been getting more commentson my social media, as well as
over on my YouTube and I wantedto share just a few of those
comments with you.
(00:20):
The first comment, because fromSt.
George Utah, she found me onsocial media because she had
recognized Dixie rock from St.
George in the background of oneof my videos and she said, Hey,
I love Dixie rock.
And so we connected in that wayand she started following me and
then she sent me such a sweetmessage.
She said, Hey, I know that I'mnot your target audience, but I
(00:41):
just want you to know assomebody with a new diagnosis of
OCD.
I find the mindfulness tips hereto be very helpful for me.
So thank you.
So first, let me return herthing.
So thank you for listening.
And thank you for your commentand also.
I do think that the tools hereare helpful for a lot of
populations.
(01:02):
So yes.
I cater to the empaths and thehighly sensitive people.
And also, I think people withOCD, as well as other
conditions, they fit into thatumbrella of being highly
sensitive.
They're highly sensitive totheir surroundings.
And so I really appreciated hercomment and I want her to know
that yeah, you belong here.
And I want you to know that ifyou find things here that
(01:23):
resonate with you, you, belonghere.
The other comment that Ireceived came from somebody in
Germany and this was over onYouTube.
and I loved what they said.
They said, Hey, I know I'm notyour target audience.
And in fact, most of the time Iidentify with the other person
in your story.
But because you address thatside of things too, I find your
content to be very helpful.
(01:44):
So thank you so much for whatyou're putting out into the
world.
So, let me give a shout out anda thank you to Germany.
Thank you so much for reachingout and letting me know that
this has been supportive foryou.
And yeah, I am so glad that youare here.
I absolutely love that both ofthese comments started out with,
I know I'm not your targetaudience, but..
Because I think what you'regoing to find out today is that
(02:05):
you feel drawn to this contentbecause really all of us do have
our own way of empathizing.
And I really do try toillustrate that here that we're
all different, but that we cancome together.
We might all have differentoperating systems, but we can
find more effective ways ofcommunicating.
So if my content resonates withyou, you are in the right place
and you are my target audience.
(02:26):
So now let's go ahead and jumpin and talk about the three
different kinds of empathizers.
And as I talk about thesedifferent kinds of empathizers,
I want you first to identifywhat kind of an empathize or you
are.
I also want you to get curiousabout what kind of an empathizer
those in your immediate circleare, and then see if there's any
places where you've beenexperiencing conflict.
And I hope that thisunderstanding will help you to
(02:48):
find some resolution in thoserelationships.
So the first kind of empathizerI want to talk to you about is
the cognitive empathizer.
The cognitive empathizer is aperson who really, they really
think things through they'revery cerebral.
And so they use logic to come totheir conclusion.
They might be looking at thefacts they're going to see"okay,
well, I've seen these statisticsthat say that this is most
(03:10):
likely to happen.
So therefore then this is what'sgoing to happen." Right?
And so the super power of thecognitive empathizer is that
they are the most likely to askquestions.
They're the most likely to dotheir own research.
They want to find out whatreally is the source of the
problem there.
And so they're actually mostlikely to do that.
(03:31):
The shadow aspect of thecognitive empathizer is that
they tend to assume thatwhatever they have deemed as
true for them, whateverconclusion they have come to as
being true for them is thereforetrue for everyone.
That's how they relate to theworld as they think, okay, I am
going to mentally put myselfinto the other person's shoes
and walk a mile in their shoesand see what conclusions I come
(03:54):
to.
And then therefore, whatever Icome up with is going to be
applicable for them.
And sometimes they're correct intheir mental assessment and
sometimes they are not.
And so just kind of notice thatfor yourself, if you're assuming
that there's only one way torelate to an experience or one
way to respond to a givensituation, you might be a
cognitive empathizer, and thatmight be getting in the way of
(04:15):
connection.
Another problem that I see withthe cognitive empathizers in my
practice is that it's reallyeasy for them to relate to other
people through their ownpersonal experience.
Right.
They're using the facts of theirlived experiences to relate to
other people.
So as somebody is sharing apersonal experience with them,
Their response might be"Icompletely understand, because
this one time in college.." Andnow they're sharing their
(04:38):
personal experience, but they'rein essence making it about them
under the guise of trying to letthis person know that they
understand.
But sometimes theirunderstanding is lost in their
logically telling the person howit is that they understand.
So, if this is you, then Iencourage you when somebody does
share their experience, maybethe way that you relate to them
(04:58):
is through your own livedexperience.
But maybe just keep that toyourself for a little minute.
Okay.
So it's okay if that's how yourelate to the world.
But sometimes if someoneempathizes differently, they're
going to misinterpret you tryingto explain to them why you
understand it might get lost intranslation because that's not
how they relate to the world.
And so then they're not going tofeel like you understand,
(05:19):
instead, they're going to befeeling like you are making it
about yourself and that youdon't actually understand.
And then they're going to haveto feel like they're explaining
things.
So just notice if that'ssomething that's coming up for
you and kind of check in withyourself.
So when somebody shares theirexperience, You can know inside
of your own mind and inside ofyour own heart that I understand
because of this, but instead oftelling them your reasoning,
(05:40):
why, and assuming that if theycognitively understand that you
understand, then they willunderstand that you understand.
Instead, just tell them Iunderstand.
and leave it at that.
If later then there's anopportunity where you can
expound on your situation.
If you think it would be helpfulfor their situation, then go
ahead and do that.
But first, just tell them, Hey,I understand and maybe ask some
(06:01):
clarifying questions to makesure that your situation
actually is the same as theirs,rather than just assuming that
you have the same experience,even though maybe it's just a
little bit similar.
Essentially, what I'm saying isif you were a cognitive
empathizer, it's easy to assumethat everybody relates to the
world in the same way that youdo, but they might not relate in
(06:22):
the same way that you do.
And so really getting curiousagain, as I said at the
beginning here as to how do Iempathize and how do they
empathize?
It can help you to betterunderstand what is needed in
that moment, in order for themto feel seen and heard.
And of course you can always useyour superpower of asking those
clarifying questions to gainmore information and make sure
(06:42):
that you are seeing theirsituation more clearly.
And rather than just attributinghow it is that you had show up
in that situation.
All right.
So the next kind of empathizewe're going to talk about is the
highly sensitive person.
And there's two kinds of highlysensitive people.
There are the more emotionallyevolved or emotionally mature,
highly sensitive people.
And then there are the moreemotionally immature, highly
(07:03):
sensitive people.
Now I will expand on this alittle bit more in future
episodes, but something thatI've observed is that a lot of
narcissists, particularly covertnarcissists are highly sensitive
people.
And oftentimes they end up inrelationship with the more
emotionally mature, highlysensitive person.
And they kind of feel likethey're the same.
So there's this magnet there,but there's also that polarity
(07:25):
between the emotionally matureand the emotionally immature.
And it can just kind of show updifferently.
So sometimes we think becausesomeone as a highly sensitive
person, that they have a highlevel of empathy.
And I will say that, yes, ifthey are an emotionally mature,
highly sensitive person, theirlevel of empathy and compassion
is pretty great.
And if there are any moreemotionally immature, or maybe
(07:48):
they even have some covertnarcissistic tendencies, they
may be a highly sensitiveperson, but their level of
empathy is going to look vastlydifferent than yours.
So I just kind of want to pointthat out.
As I talk about highly sensitivepeople, I'm going to be talking
more about the emotionallymature, highly sensitive people
and what this can look like.
And in future episodes, thenwe'll talk a little bit more
about how the more, covertnarcissistic traits show up
(08:10):
through that emotionallyimmature lens.
So make sure that you aresubscribed.
If that is something that soundsapplicable for you, make sure
that you hit that little buttonand subscribe so you can learn
more.
So let me tell you about highlysensitive people, Highly
sensitive people are utilizingall of their senses.
They are very attuned to theirsenses and they're very attuned
to other people in that way.
(08:31):
So they're hypersensitive toother people's
micro-expressions.
To their tone of voice, to thewords that they are using via
text, they're highly attuned toall of those things and are
using all of their senses togather information.
And they are essentially doingthis in order to assess personal
safety.
This is a safety mechanism.
And for some highly sensitivepeople, some people are born
(08:53):
with it.
Other people become a highlysensitive person because
essentially they've had todevelop the skillset of
assessing personal safety byincreasing the sensitivity of
their senses to assess personalsafety.
So they might be in arelationship, maybe it was a
parent, maybe it was a friend,but they may have had some
experience where they wereunable to trust the other
(09:14):
person's words.
Their words and their actionsdid not line up.
And therefore this person had todevelop a higher sensitivity so
that they could, again, assessthat personal safety and see
what it was that was needed ofthem in order to keep them safe
in that moment.
And this might be appeasingother people in order to keep
them safe or it might show up injust different ways.
(09:35):
So that's what the highlysensitive person is as they're
highly sensitive and use all oftheir senses in order to gather
information.
Now the superpower of the highlysensitive person is that they
are very good at assessing whatit is that another person is
experiencing in that moment.
So they will be able to knowfrom people's micro-expressions
what it is that they are feelingand experiencing at any given
(09:57):
time., and they're quiteaccurate with this.
But the shadow aspect of thehighly sensitive person is that
yes.
While they are able to, for themost part.
Assess what it is that the otherperson is feeling and
experiencing.
Then the downside is thatoftentimes they miss a tribute,
the cause of that person'semotion because they are on high
alert and they are trying toassess personal safety, they
(10:19):
tend to over own the otherperson's emotion.
So rather than just taking it atface value, that I can see that
you're upset today.
Instead, the highly sensitiveperson is inclined to say, you
must be upset because of metoday.
And again, this is a safetymechanism because if we are the
source of the other person'semotion, Then we have some sense
of control over it, right?
(10:41):
If we're the ones that made themfeel upset, that means that we
can change our behaviors inorder to make them happy.
But then we tend to over own theother person's emotional
response.
And not only does that keep uswalking on eggshells, but it
also, in some cases can preventthe other person from developing
their own emotional capacity toself regulate.
(11:04):
Okay.
And then the third kind ofempathizer I want to talk to you
about is the empath and theempaths are the people that they
literally feel what it is thatthe other person is feeling and
experiencing.
Sometimes then we think anempath is someone who just has a
lot of empathy.
I want to correct that narrativebecause whether you are a
cognitive empathizer or a highlysensitive person or an empath,
(11:27):
you can have a significant levelof empathy for other people.
But the empathic experience is alittle bit different than just
having a lot of empathy forsomebody.
Now, I think I've shared theseexperiences on the podcast here
before, but I think they'rereally helpful to help you to
see what might be showing up foryou.
So I'm going to share a few ofmy personal empathic
experiences.
(11:48):
So one experience that I had, Iwas driving down the road.
And I was suddenly overcome withfear and shame and insecurity.
It came on so quickly.
My eyes welled up with tears.
And I had just enough time tothink to myself.
Where did this come from?
When my phone rang.
And when I picked up my phone,it was my friend and she had let
(12:11):
me know that she had come hometo an empty closet.
Her husband had left with nonotice.
And then that's when I recognizethat.
Oh, Those really big feelings.
They don't belong to me.
They belong to her.
Now for me, my empathicexperiences, I usually am able
to recognize that they belong tosomebody else because of how
quickly and out of nowhere theyseem to come on.
(12:32):
So that's how it shows up forme, another experience that I
had, I was over at a friend'shouse and again, it came on so
quickly for me.
I felt awful.
I had this really awful feelingin my stomach and I had just
enough time to think, man, itfeels like there's a rock in my
gut.
I used those exact words in mymind.
And right then my friend walkedinto the room and said, man, it
(12:53):
feels like there's a rock in mygut.
And again, that's when I wasable to recognize that, okay,
this doesn't belong to me.
This belongs to them.
And once I was able to recognizethat it belonged to them, then I
was able to show up for them andhelp to bring comfort to these
friends without actually takingon myself and feeling and
processing it in my own body.
But it gave me information whereI could say, okay, yep.
(13:15):
I can understand how you'refeeling that way.
Let me show up and help you.
But I also had to get to a pointwhere I was able to recognize
that I cannot process this foryou.
So that is the gift of theempath is they do truly
understand what it is thatyou're going through because
they feel it in their physicalbody, they truly do feel it
deeply.
But some of the downsides tobeing an empath is again, we
(13:38):
tend to over own it, but also itcan be really hard to
differentiate self from otherpeople.
Honestly, if I hadn't receivedthat phone call in that moment,
or if my friend hadn't walkedinto the room and used those
exact words in that moment, Iwould have been wondering what
was happening for me.
It would have been veryconfusing and disorienting.
I might be wondering if I wasmaybe bipolar if something else
(13:58):
was happening for me.
And so I really deeplyappreciated that my friends made
those comments and made thosephone calls in that exact time
so I could better understandwhat my personal experience is.
Now as I describe each of thesekinds of empathizers, I want you
to know that we do all empathizedifferently.
And a lot of the conflict that Ihear about in my coaching
(14:20):
practice, a lot of that conflictstems from empathizing
differently.
We're judging the other person'sexperience rather than trying to
understand it.
Now At the beginning of thisepisode, I encouraged you to
first identify how it is thatyou empathize with others.
And then to think about those inyour immediate circle and get
curious about how theyempathize.
(14:41):
And so I really want you tothink about that for a little
moment and then think about whatmight be needed.
We tend to judge another'sexperience with how they relate
to the world or how they expressthemselves emotionally or how
they empathize.
I saw an article recently wherethey were talking about grief
and they said in this articlethat couples that have lost a
(15:02):
child are significantly morelikely to divorce, but the
reason for divorce isn't becauseof blame and shame around the
death of the child.
But instead it is because ofjudgment around how the partner
is choosing to grieve.
It really can create a lot ofconflict.
when we're experiencing thesebig emotions, We expect other
(15:22):
people to show up in differentways, but we're all going to
show up differently depending onthe lens that we're seeing the
world through, depending on howit is that we empathize and
relate to each other.
So here's some tips to help youto better relate to each other.
First, I want you to just getcurious about what's happening
for the other person.
All of us have the ability to becognitive empathizers and ask
(15:43):
those questions and that canbecome a huge superpower when it
comes to relating to others.
In fact, that's something that Ireally encourage my highly
sensitive clients to do is tapinto that ability to cognitively
empathize.
Rather than just assuming thatsomebody is upset with you.
Ask the question.
Ask an open-ended question say,Hey, it seems that you're really
(16:04):
upset right now.
What's going on for you.
Ask the question rather thanassuming what is happening.
In fact, this is something thatI really do a lot in my
practice.
I might be talking with somebodyand their words are conveying
one message, but their bodylanguage is conveying another
message.
So I might say, yeah, I heardwhat you said, but can you tell
(16:25):
me a little bit about what yourface is telling me right now, or
your body language?
Like I just saw you slumped backin your chair.
What's coming up for you.
And I can just ask thoseopen-ended questions to get more
information, and this isespecially helpful when you can
see that their words.
and their actions are notcurrently matching up.
The reality is that most of thetime we really don't know what
is happening for other people.
(16:47):
Be willing to ask thosequestions so that you can gain
more understanding.
Be willing to ask them, Hey, amI hearing you correctly?
Is this what you're trying totell me?
Be willing to ask them, Hey, I'mjust noticing a change in your
facial expression right now issomething coming up for you?
Be willing to ask the questionsto gain more information, rather
than just assuming that we knowwhat's coming up for them.
(17:09):
Another thing that I reallyencourage you to do is to be
willing to state what it is thatyou need.
If the other person is notmeeting your need, ask yourself.
Okay.
Have I explicitly stated what itis that I need?
Because, depending on what kindof an empathize or you are, your
needs are going to be a littlebit different.
So be willing to vocalize that,be willing to say, Hey, could
(17:30):
you please ask me threeclarifying questions so that I
know that you understand.
Be willing to say, Hey, can youplease just hold me for a little
while?
I don't want to talk about it.
I just need to be held.
Or be willing to say, Hey, Iactually just need a little bit
of space to feel and processthis in my body.
And then we can talk about it.
When someone empathizesdifferently, they're not going
(17:52):
to know what it is that youneed.
So be willing to state what itis that you need.
So I really hope that today atthe very least you're able to
better understand how it is thatyou empathize with others and
how those around you mightempathize differently because as
we raise our awareness aroundhow we all engage with the world
and with each other, it reallycan help us to just increase our
(18:14):
levels of empathy andcompassion.
And also it makes it a loteasier for us to communicate.
And that's what I really wantyou to think about this week is
number one.
How do I empathize?
How do those around meempathize?
And am I asking the rightquestions to gain more
understanding?
And am I explicitly stating myneed?
And Hey, if you need help andsupport really dissecting this,
(18:35):
I know that it sounds supersimple here at a podcast and
yes, it is simple, but thatdoesn't mean that it necessarily
comes easy to a lot of people.
So if you would like some helpand support navigating your own
personal levels of empathy, comeand work with me.
If as you were listening here,if you thought, boy, I really
identify more as a cognitiveempathizer or highly sensitive
person or an empath, and I wantto better understand that
(18:57):
experience no matter where youare at on the empathy scale, you
are here for a reason, youconnected with me for a reason.
And I would love to work withyou and helping support you.
You are my target audience.
Okay.
I just want you to know that,but yes, I am here to love and
support you.
And if anything in hereresonates with you, then we have
connected for a reason.
And I would love to explore thatwith you.
(19:19):
All right.
Well, that's all that I have foryou for this week.
If you would like to leave me areview, I would deeply
appreciate it.
It helps me to reach morepeople.
If as you were listening, if youthought, wow, I think that this
would really benefit me and myfriend or me and my partner is
we come to try to betterunderstand each other.
I encourage you to share thisepisode with them so that we can
have that discussion.
If you're watching on YouTube,let me know in the comments
(19:39):
what's coming up for you and howcan I best support you?
All right.
Well, I hope you have a greatweek and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker andI'm the life coach for empath
and highly sensitive people.
And today we're going to beexploring the three different
kinds of empathizers.
But before we do, I wanted toshare a few things with you.
I've been getting more commentson my social media, as well as
over on my YouTube and I wantedto share just a few of those
comments with you.
(00:20):
The first comment, because fromSt.
George Utah, she found me onsocial media because she had
recognized Dixie rock from St.
George in the background of oneof my videos and she said, Hey,
I love Dixie rock.
And so we connected in that wayand she started following me and
then she sent me such a sweetmessage.
She said, Hey, I know that I'mnot your target audience, but I
(00:41):
just want you to know assomebody with a new diagnosis of
OCD.
I find the mindfulness tips hereto be very helpful for me.
So thank you.
So first, let me return herthing.
So thank you for listening.
And thank you for your commentand also.
I do think that the tools hereare helpful for a lot of
populations.
(01:02):
So yes.
I cater to the empaths and thehighly sensitive people.
And also, I think people withOCD, as well as other
conditions, they fit into thatumbrella of being highly
sensitive.
They're highly sensitive totheir surroundings.
And so I really appreciated hercomment and I want her to know
that yeah, you belong here.
And I want you to know that ifyou find things here that
(01:23):
resonate with you, you, belonghere.
The other comment that Ireceived came from somebody in
Germany and this was over onYouTube.
and I loved what they said.
They said, Hey, I know I'm notyour target audience.
And in fact, most of the time Iidentify with the other person
in your story.
But because you address thatside of things too, I find your
content to be very helpful.
(01:44):
So thank you so much for whatyou're putting out into the
world.
So, let me give a shout out anda thank you to Germany.
Thank you so much for reachingout and letting me know that
this has been supportive foryou.
And yeah, I am so glad that youare here.
I absolutely love that both ofthese comments started out with,
I know I'm not your targetaudience, but..
Because I think what you'regoing to find out today is that
(02:05):
you feel drawn to this contentbecause really all of us do have
our own way of empathizing.
And I really do try toillustrate that here that we're
all different, but that we cancome together.
We might all have differentoperating systems, but we can
find more effective ways ofcommunicating.
So if my content resonates withyou, you are in the right place
and you are my target audience.
(02:26):
So now let's go ahead and jumpin and talk about the three
different kinds of empathizers.
And as I talk about thesedifferent kinds of empathizers,
I want you first to identifywhat kind of an empathize or you
are.
I also want you to get curiousabout what kind of an empathizer
those in your immediate circleare, and then see if there's any
places where you've beenexperiencing conflict.
And I hope that thisunderstanding will help you to
(02:48):
find some resolution in thoserelationships.
So the first kind of empathizerI want to talk to you about is
the cognitive empathizer.
The cognitive empathizer is aperson who really, they really
think things through they'revery cerebral.
And so they use logic to come totheir conclusion.
They might be looking at thefacts they're going to see"okay,
well, I've seen these statisticsthat say that this is most
(03:10):
likely to happen.
So therefore then this is what'sgoing to happen." Right?
And so the super power of thecognitive empathizer is that
they are the most likely to askquestions.
They're the most likely to dotheir own research.
They want to find out whatreally is the source of the
problem there.
And so they're actually mostlikely to do that.
(03:31):
The shadow aspect of thecognitive empathizer is that
they tend to assume thatwhatever they have deemed as
true for them, whateverconclusion they have come to as
being true for them is thereforetrue for everyone.
That's how they relate to theworld as they think, okay, I am
going to mentally put myselfinto the other person's shoes
and walk a mile in their shoesand see what conclusions I come
(03:54):
to.
And then therefore, whatever Icome up with is going to be
applicable for them.
And sometimes they're correct intheir mental assessment and
sometimes they are not.
And so just kind of notice thatfor yourself, if you're assuming
that there's only one way torelate to an experience or one
way to respond to a givensituation, you might be a
cognitive empathizer, and thatmight be getting in the way of
(04:15):
connection.
Another problem that I see withthe cognitive empathizers in my
practice is that it's reallyeasy for them to relate to other
people through their ownpersonal experience.
Right.
They're using the facts of theirlived experiences to relate to
other people.
So as somebody is sharing apersonal experience with them,
Their response might be"Icompletely understand, because
this one time in college.." Andnow they're sharing their
(04:38):
personal experience, but they'rein essence making it about them
under the guise of trying to letthis person know that they
understand.
But sometimes theirunderstanding is lost in their
logically telling the person howit is that they understand.
So, if this is you, then Iencourage you when somebody does
share their experience, maybethe way that you relate to them
(04:58):
is through your own livedexperience.
But maybe just keep that toyourself for a little minute.
Okay.
So it's okay if that's how yourelate to the world.
But sometimes if someoneempathizes differently, they're
going to misinterpret you tryingto explain to them why you
understand it might get lost intranslation because that's not
how they relate to the world.
And so then they're not going tofeel like you understand,
(05:19):
instead, they're going to befeeling like you are making it
about yourself and that youdon't actually understand.
And then they're going to haveto feel like they're explaining
things.
So just notice if that'ssomething that's coming up for
you and kind of check in withyourself.
So when somebody shares theirexperience, You can know inside
of your own mind and inside ofyour own heart that I understand
because of this, but instead oftelling them your reasoning,
(05:40):
why, and assuming that if theycognitively understand that you
understand, then they willunderstand that you understand.
Instead, just tell them Iunderstand.
and leave it at that.
If later then there's anopportunity where you can
expound on your situation.
If you think it would be helpfulfor their situation, then go
ahead and do that.
But first, just tell them, Hey,I understand and maybe ask some
(06:01):
clarifying questions to makesure that your situation
actually is the same as theirs,rather than just assuming that
you have the same experience,even though maybe it's just a
little bit similar.
Essentially, what I'm saying isif you were a cognitive
empathizer, it's easy to assumethat everybody relates to the
world in the same way that youdo, but they might not relate in
(06:22):
the same way that you do.
And so really getting curiousagain, as I said at the
beginning here as to how do Iempathize and how do they
empathize?
It can help you to betterunderstand what is needed in
that moment, in order for themto feel seen and heard.
And of course you can always useyour superpower of asking those
clarifying questions to gainmore information and make sure
(06:42):
that you are seeing theirsituation more clearly.
And rather than just attributinghow it is that you had show up
in that situation.
All right.
So the next kind of empathizewe're going to talk about is the
highly sensitive person.
And there's two kinds of highlysensitive people.
There are the more emotionallyevolved or emotionally mature,
highly sensitive people.
And then there are the moreemotionally immature, highly
(07:03):
sensitive people.
Now I will expand on this alittle bit more in future
episodes, but something thatI've observed is that a lot of
narcissists, particularly covertnarcissists are highly sensitive
people.
And oftentimes they end up inrelationship with the more
emotionally mature, highlysensitive person.
And they kind of feel likethey're the same.
So there's this magnet there,but there's also that polarity
(07:25):
between the emotionally matureand the emotionally immature.
And it can just kind of show updifferently.
So sometimes we think becausesomeone as a highly sensitive
person, that they have a highlevel of empathy.
And I will say that, yes, ifthey are an emotionally mature,
highly sensitive person, theirlevel of empathy and compassion
is pretty great.
And if there are any moreemotionally immature, or maybe
(07:48):
they even have some covertnarcissistic tendencies, they
may be a highly sensitiveperson, but their level of
empathy is going to look vastlydifferent than yours.
So I just kind of want to pointthat out.
As I talk about highly sensitivepeople, I'm going to be talking
more about the emotionallymature, highly sensitive people
and what this can look like.
And in future episodes, thenwe'll talk a little bit more
about how the more, covertnarcissistic traits show up
(08:10):
through that emotionallyimmature lens.
So make sure that you aresubscribed.
If that is something that soundsapplicable for you, make sure
that you hit that little buttonand subscribe so you can learn
more.
So let me tell you about highlysensitive people, Highly
sensitive people are utilizingall of their senses.
They are very attuned to theirsenses and they're very attuned
to other people in that way.
(08:31):
So they're hypersensitive toother people's
micro-expressions.
To their tone of voice, to thewords that they are using via
text, they're highly attuned toall of those things and are
using all of their senses togather information.
And they are essentially doingthis in order to assess personal
safety.
This is a safety mechanism.
And for some highly sensitivepeople, some people are born
(08:53):
with it.
Other people become a highlysensitive person because
essentially they've had todevelop the skillset of
assessing personal safety byincreasing the sensitivity of
their senses to assess personalsafety.
So they might be in arelationship, maybe it was a
parent, maybe it was a friend,but they may have had some
experience where they wereunable to trust the other
(09:14):
person's words.
Their words and their actionsdid not line up.
And therefore this person had todevelop a higher sensitivity so
that they could, again, assessthat personal safety and see
what it was that was needed ofthem in order to keep them safe
in that moment.
And this might be appeasingother people in order to keep
them safe or it might show up injust different ways.
(09:35):
So that's what the highlysensitive person is as they're
highly sensitive and use all oftheir senses in order to gather
information.
Now the superpower of the highlysensitive person is that they
are very good at assessing whatit is that another person is
experiencing in that moment.
So they will be able to knowfrom people's micro-expressions
what it is that they are feelingand experiencing at any given
(09:57):
time., and they're quiteaccurate with this.
But the shadow aspect of thehighly sensitive person is that
yes.
While they are able to, for themost part.
Assess what it is that the otherperson is feeling and
experiencing.
Then the downside is thatoftentimes they miss a tribute,
the cause of that person'semotion because they are on high
alert and they are trying toassess personal safety, they
(10:19):
tend to over own the otherperson's emotion.
So rather than just taking it atface value, that I can see that
you're upset today.
Instead, the highly sensitiveperson is inclined to say, you
must be upset because of metoday.
And again, this is a safetymechanism because if we are the
source of the other person'semotion, Then we have some sense
of control over it, right?
(10:41):
If we're the ones that made themfeel upset, that means that we
can change our behaviors inorder to make them happy.
But then we tend to over own theother person's emotional
response.
And not only does that keep uswalking on eggshells, but it
also, in some cases can preventthe other person from developing
their own emotional capacity toself regulate.
(11:04):
Okay.
And then the third kind ofempathizer I want to talk to you
about is the empath and theempaths are the people that they
literally feel what it is thatthe other person is feeling and
experiencing.
Sometimes then we think anempath is someone who just has a
lot of empathy.
I want to correct that narrativebecause whether you are a
cognitive empathizer or a highlysensitive person or an empath,
(11:27):
you can have a significant levelof empathy for other people.
But the empathic experience is alittle bit different than just
having a lot of empathy forsomebody.
Now, I think I've shared theseexperiences on the podcast here
before, but I think they'rereally helpful to help you to
see what might be showing up foryou.
So I'm going to share a few ofmy personal empathic
experiences.
(11:48):
So one experience that I had, Iwas driving down the road.
And I was suddenly overcome withfear and shame and insecurity.
It came on so quickly.
My eyes welled up with tears.
And I had just enough time tothink to myself.
Where did this come from?
When my phone rang.
And when I picked up my phone,it was my friend and she had let
(12:11):
me know that she had come hometo an empty closet.
Her husband had left with nonotice.
And then that's when I recognizethat.
Oh, Those really big feelings.
They don't belong to me.
They belong to her.
Now for me, my empathicexperiences, I usually am able
to recognize that they belong tosomebody else because of how
quickly and out of nowhere theyseem to come on.
(12:32):
So that's how it shows up forme, another experience that I
had, I was over at a friend'shouse and again, it came on so
quickly for me.
I felt awful.
I had this really awful feelingin my stomach and I had just
enough time to think, man, itfeels like there's a rock in my
gut.
I used those exact words in mymind.
And right then my friend walkedinto the room and said, man, it
(12:53):
feels like there's a rock in mygut.
And again, that's when I wasable to recognize that, okay,
this doesn't belong to me.
This belongs to them.
And once I was able to recognizethat it belonged to them, then I
was able to show up for them andhelp to bring comfort to these
friends without actually takingon myself and feeling and
processing it in my own body.
But it gave me information whereI could say, okay, yep.
(13:15):
I can understand how you'refeeling that way.
Let me show up and help you.
But I also had to get to a pointwhere I was able to recognize
that I cannot process this foryou.
So that is the gift of theempath is they do truly
understand what it is thatyou're going through because
they feel it in their physicalbody, they truly do feel it
deeply.
But some of the downsides tobeing an empath is again, we
(13:38):
tend to over own it, but also itcan be really hard to
differentiate self from otherpeople.
Honestly, if I hadn't receivedthat phone call in that moment,
or if my friend hadn't walkedinto the room and used those
exact words in that moment, Iwould have been wondering what
was happening for me.
It would have been veryconfusing and disorienting.
I might be wondering if I wasmaybe bipolar if something else
(13:58):
was happening for me.
And so I really deeplyappreciated that my friends made
those comments and made thosephone calls in that exact time
so I could better understandwhat my personal experience is.
Now as I describe each of thesekinds of empathizers, I want you
to know that we do all empathizedifferently.
And a lot of the conflict that Ihear about in my coaching
(14:20):
practice, a lot of that conflictstems from empathizing
differently.
We're judging the other person'sexperience rather than trying to
understand it.
Now At the beginning of thisepisode, I encouraged you to
first identify how it is thatyou empathize with others.
And then to think about those inyour immediate circle and get
curious about how theyempathize.
(14:41):
And so I really want you tothink about that for a little
moment and then think about whatmight be needed.
We tend to judge another'sexperience with how they relate
to the world or how they expressthemselves emotionally or how
they empathize.
I saw an article recently wherethey were talking about grief
and they said in this articlethat couples that have lost a
(15:02):
child are significantly morelikely to divorce, but the
reason for divorce isn't becauseof blame and shame around the
death of the child.
But instead it is because ofjudgment around how the partner
is choosing to grieve.
It really can create a lot ofconflict.
when we're experiencing thesebig emotions, We expect other
(15:22):
people to show up in differentways, but we're all going to
show up differently depending onthe lens that we're seeing the
world through, depending on howit is that we empathize and
relate to each other.
So here's some tips to help youto better relate to each other.
First, I want you to just getcurious about what's happening
for the other person.
All of us have the ability to becognitive empathizers and ask
(15:43):
those questions and that canbecome a huge superpower when it
comes to relating to others.
In fact, that's something that Ireally encourage my highly
sensitive clients to do is tapinto that ability to cognitively
empathize.
Rather than just assuming thatsomebody is upset with you.
Ask the question.
Ask an open-ended question say,Hey, it seems that you're really
(16:04):
upset right now.
What's going on for you.
Ask the question rather thanassuming what is happening.
In fact, this is something thatI really do a lot in my
practice.
I might be talking with somebodyand their words are conveying
one message, but their bodylanguage is conveying another
message.
So I might say, yeah, I heardwhat you said, but can you tell
(16:25):
me a little bit about what yourface is telling me right now, or
your body language?
Like I just saw you slumped backin your chair.
What's coming up for you.
And I can just ask thoseopen-ended questions to get more
information, and this isespecially helpful when you can
see that their words.
and their actions are notcurrently matching up.
The reality is that most of thetime we really don't know what
is happening for other people.
(16:47):
Be willing to ask thosequestions so that you can gain
more understanding.
Be willing to ask them, Hey, amI hearing you correctly?
Is this what you're trying totell me?
Be willing to ask them, Hey, I'mjust noticing a change in your
facial expression right now issomething coming up for you?
Be willing to ask the questionsto gain more information, rather
than just assuming that we knowwhat's coming up for them.
(17:09):
Another thing that I reallyencourage you to do is to be
willing to state what it is thatyou need.
If the other person is notmeeting your need, ask yourself.
Okay.
Have I explicitly stated what itis that I need?
Because, depending on what kindof an empathize or you are, your
needs are going to be a littlebit different.
So be willing to vocalize that,be willing to say, Hey, could
(17:30):
you please ask me threeclarifying questions so that I
know that you understand.
Be willing to say, Hey, can youplease just hold me for a little
while?
I don't want to talk about it.
I just need to be held.
Or be willing to say, Hey, Iactually just need a little bit
of space to feel and processthis in my body.
And then we can talk about it.
When someone empathizesdifferently, they're not going
(17:52):
to know what it is that youneed.
So be willing to state what itis that you need.
So I really hope that today atthe very least you're able to
better understand how it is thatyou empathize with others and
how those around you mightempathize differently because as
we raise our awareness aroundhow we all engage with the world
and with each other, it reallycan help us to just increase our
(18:14):
levels of empathy andcompassion.
And also it makes it a loteasier for us to communicate.
And that's what I really wantyou to think about this week is
number one.
How do I empathize?
How do those around meempathize?
And am I asking the rightquestions to gain more
understanding?
And am I explicitly stating myneed?
And Hey, if you need help andsupport really dissecting this,
(18:35):
I know that it sounds supersimple here at a podcast and
yes, it is simple, but thatdoesn't mean that it necessarily
comes easy to a lot of people.
So if you would like some helpand support navigating your own
personal levels of empathy, comeand work with me.
If as you were listening here,if you thought, boy, I really
identify more as a cognitiveempathizer or highly sensitive
person or an empath, and I wantto better understand that
(18:57):
experience no matter where youare at on the empathy scale, you
are here for a reason, youconnected with me for a reason.
And I would love to work withyou and helping support you.
You are my target audience.
Okay.
I just want you to know that,but yes, I am here to love and
support you.
And if anything in hereresonates with you, then we have
connected for a reason.
And I would love to explore thatwith you.
(19:19):
All right.
Well, that's all that I have foryou for this week.
If you would like to leave me areview, I would deeply
appreciate it.
It helps me to reach morepeople.
If as you were listening, if youthought, wow, I think that this
would really benefit me and myfriend or me and my partner is
we come to try to betterunderstand each other.
I encourage you to share thisepisode with them so that we can
have that discussion.
If you're watching on YouTube,let me know in the comments
(19:39):
what's coming up for you and howcan I best support you?
All right.
Well, I hope you have a greatweek and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
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