September 12, 2024 • 17 mins
The "Empath Abyss" is the emotional state where empaths and highly sensitive people feel disoriented, overwhelmed, and overly accommodating due to heightened emotions and reactions from others.
This episode is essential for empaths and highly sensitive people who often find themselves overwhelmed and disoriented by the emotions of others. Here's what we'll cover:
- Understanding the Empath Abyss:
- The empath abyss is an emotional state where you feel disoriented, with heightened emotions and difficulty differentiating yourself from others.
- Symptoms include emotional overwhelm, insecurity, struggling to make requests, becoming overly accommodating of others, and doubting your own feelings and boundaries.
- Common Triggers:
- Negative responses from others to your requests or boundaries.
- Feeling invalidated by others' strong emotional reactions.
- Emotional immaturity in relationships, where one partner deflects or intensifies emotions rather than addressing the core issue.
- Strategies to Navigate Out of the Abyss:
- Process Your Emotions: Take time to differentiate your emotions from others' and validate your own feelings.
- Regain Confidence: Remind yourself why you brought up your needs or boundaries and stay firm in your integrity.
- Set Clear Goals: Make your actions measurable and clear to yourself, ensuring you remain aligned with your values.
- Action Steps:
- Calm your nervous system to see situations more clearly. Step out of fight, flight, freeze or fawn.
- Make your boundaries and requests measurable and stick to them.
- Remember that others' reactions are about them, not you.
If this episode resonates with you, consider working with me through my six-week coaching packages. Together, we can dive deeper into your specific situations and develop personalized strategies to help you navigate your emotions and relationships more effectively.
Don't forget to like, subscribe, and share this episode with others who might benefit. Have a great week, and take care!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is Marianne Walker and Iam the life coach for empaths
and highly sensitive people.
And I just got off of a callwith a client and this client
used such a fantastic term todescribe a very common
experience.
And so I thought that we wouldtalk about that today.
But the word that they used wasempath abyss.
(00:22):
Now the impact that this is theplace that you go when you're
feeling extremely disoriented,you maybe don't even know what
happened.
Your emotions are reallyheightened.
They're kind of bouncing allover the place.
It's hard to differentiateyourself from the other person.
There's just kind of a lot goingon when you were in the empath
at best.
And this is true for impasse aswell as highly sensitive people.
It can feel very similar.
(00:43):
It feels kind of like the rughas been pulled out from
underneath you.
So some of the symptoms.
Of being in the empathy of thisis that you struggle to make
requests from other people.
And instead you might actuallybecome overly accommodating of
others.
Maybe you share something thatyou think is an absolute for you
and you think, yes, this isabsolutely my truth.
And then you get some feedbackfrom the other person that oh
(01:06):
no, that can't possibly be true.
And so when they respondnegatively, you assume, oh, well
they must be true because youfeel their feelings so deeply.
Right?
So you think, oh, So then youthink, oh, well they must be
right.
Their experience must be moretrue because we feel their
emotions so much.
Like they're our own, it's easyto dismiss our own because we
really can feel.
(01:26):
What it is that they'reconveying.
Right.
So we tend to minimize our ownfeelings and turn up the volume
on somebody.
Else's.
And.
And more likely than not.
When we fall into this abyss, itis due to somebody else
responding in a different waythan how we think that they
should.
We find ourselves feeling caughtoff guard by somebody's neck.
(01:49):
We find ourselves feeling caughtoff guard by somebody else's
negative response.
To how we're showing up.
So, for example, maybe you makea request of somebody.
And this might be a request forreciprocation for more time, for
more energy, for more affection,whatever you make a request of
somebody.
And then instead of saying, ohyeah, that's something that I
can do.
(02:09):
Or even having a discussionabout what they are capable of
doing.
Instead then they might tell youthat you were wrong for making
such a request.
Maybe they tell you that youwere selfish.
Maybe they tell you that I can'tbelieve this.
You're so inconsiderate of me.
How dare you ask such a thing ofme.
And so when they had their bigemotional response, Then you
might start to kind of spiralinto shame.
(02:32):
You're believing they're wordsthat you have done something
wrong that you are out of placeby making such a request.
And when that happens, it'shighly likely that you might
even become even moreaccommodating of the other
person.
To make a Benz.
So when you make a request andthey say, I can't do that, how
dare you?
Don't you know, how burned out.
I am.
Then you might be more overlyaccommodating of them, which is
(02:54):
actually increasing the gap thatyou were wanting to fill.
Another example might be thatyou're setting a boundary with
somebody that you've reallythought long and hard about you
feel like it's important to setthis boundary.
And then the other personresponds negatively to it.
So they tell you, well, how dareyou?
You should just love meregardless.
Like how dare you set boundarieswith me?
(03:15):
I should be the exception toyour rule.
Don't you love me?
Don't you understand?
If you understood.
Then, if you are.
If you are a more loving person,then you'd understand like, why
I'm the way that I am and whyyou shouldn't set this boundary
with me instead.
You should just forgive me.
So this is often something thathappens in a toxic relationship
where you have had to state aboundary because it's not
(03:35):
working for you.
And then they might be turningit around on you saying, but no,
but if you loved me, you wouldmake me the exception to the
rule where they're now making ityour responsibility to change
rather than creatingaccountability for themselves.
And again, this is going tostart that guilt and shame
cycle.
Where it's really easy whenyou're an empath or a highly
sensitive person to believe whatit is that they're telling you.
(03:57):
And so then you might start totell yourself the story that,
oh, I shouldn't have set thatboundary.
You know what I can see now thatI did a lot of damage to them by
stating a boundary, they hurt somuch because I stay a boundary,
I guess, that I was in the wrongfor doing such a thing.
Or maybe you're sharingsomething that is really
important to you.
(04:18):
For example, maybe you reallywant to start setting aside some
money to save up for a romanticgetaway with each other, or
maybe you're feelingunappreciated and you would like
a little bit more support aroundthe house.
Or maybe.
Hmm.
Hm.
Or maybe you just want to sharesomething with your friend or
your partner, this reallyimportant to you.
(04:40):
For example, maybe you sharethat, Hey, I've been feeling
like things are a little bit outof balance at home, or maybe
you're even asking for a littlebit more domestic support or
asking for supports in otherways that you're maybe feeling a
little bit unappreciated, you'rejust sharing any emotion and
looking for a bit ofconversation around how to get
that very valid need met andthen they might explode and they
(05:01):
might say, well, Hey, don't yousee that I'm doing everything
that I can do.
How dare you ask me for more?
And so then when they do that,you find yourself shrinking, you
find yourself spinning, you,find yourself asking questions.
Like, why am I the bad guy?
Was I out of line?
Am I asking too much?
Well, maybe I don't actuallylove them unconditionally
because they're right.
I don't like that.
They're doing that thing.
(05:21):
And I'm asking them to changenow, where do I go?
And this is the empath abyss.
Now we get into the abyss inquite a few different ways, but
I'm going to tell you about twoof them.
So one way that we end up in theempathic is we feel other
people's emotions.
So strongly.
That their emotions seem almostmore valid than ours.
(05:43):
It invalidates our experienceand maybe we've become so
conditioned to accommodateothers.
That is just very easy for us todo.
It's easy for us to say, oh, youknow what?
You're right.
You're right.
I can feel that you're verypassionate about this.
And we might assume that theyare right, because they're
speaking more loudly or morepassionately, or we might
legitimately feel it in ourbody, all of their anger and all
(06:04):
of their rage around this.
And so we will assume that, oh,they're right.
Or we might be overlyaccommodating because a fear,
right.
We think, oh, no, if they'rethis upset, then what's going to
happen next.
I don't know what's going tohappen.
I need to placate them and makethem happy.
But then we're kind of not inintegrity with ourselves.
Right.
Okay.
Now the second reason why wemight fall into the abyss.
(06:26):
Is that we are not feelingconfident or secure within
ourselves.
And when we're not feelingconfident and secure in
ourselves, it makes it easierfor us to move those boundaries.
We think everything must benegotiable because I don't
actually feel solid and securewithin myself.
But then we end up feeling evenmore spinny because we are out
of alignment.
With our own integrity.
(06:48):
So I'm going to share with youtwo ways to get out of this
emotional a bit.
Hmm.
So, let me share with youbriefly, just two ways to get
out of this abyss.
Of course.
If you want to.
Now we could spend weeks workingon this in session.
And so I know this is a veryabbreviated version.
So if this is resonating withyou, come and work with me and
(07:10):
we can spend more time on thisand your particular situation,
but I'm going to share with youtwo ways to help you to get out
of the abyss.
And the first is you really needto process your own emotions.
Turn up the volume on your ownemotions.
You've been turning up thevolume on everybody else's
emotions and giving themlegitimacy.
But there's room for you to haveyour experience and for them to
(07:30):
have their experience.
See if you can differentiateyour emotions from theirs and
give yourself some time to feelthose feelings.
Take some time.
Hmm.
Hmm.
So feel those feelings and thenacknowledge how it is that you
got here.
Be open to the possibility thatmaybe you got here, not because
(07:52):
you are wrong, but becauseyou're just really sensitive to
other people's responses,there's nothing wrong with you.
This is just what it looks like.
Sometimes when you're highlysensitive to other people's
emotions.
We often end up in this messbecause either one or both of us
is kind of a little bitemotionally immature.
And so either we are not secureenough within ourselves to
(08:13):
navigate it.
And to navigate it when we havethose differences or the one
that we're engaging with it.
Then they aren't equipped tohandle our differences of
opinion.
And so it's going to create thisstrange dynamic where since we
don't know how to navigate ourown emotions, or they don't know
how to navigate, there's, we'retrying to control the other
person and trying to controltheir perception.
And this can either be bytalking more loudly to let them
(08:34):
know that no, my way is the trueway, or it might be trying to
control how they're feeling byplacating and, and people
pleasing in order to get thatsame response.
There's more than one way thatwe can attempt to control the
other person.
But that's what it looks likewhen we're coming through that
lens of emotional immaturity iswe're trying to control the
other person and we're notactually finding resolution.
We're not actually being open topossibility.
(08:56):
We're not actually compromisingand coming together on it.
Um, so just kind of be aware ifthat is something that is coming
up for you.
So it can be very disorientingat the other.
One other thing to notice is itcan be very disorienting and you
can fall into that abyss whenthe other person is making it
about themselves.
(09:17):
And so I ended up.
One other thing to notice isthat it can be extremely
disorienting.
If maybe you're in relationshipwith somebody that tends to make
it about themselves.
And again, this is aboutcontrol, right?
We feel like we control thingswhen it's about us.
So I know a lot of impasse andhighly sensitive people.
It takes a lot of strength andit takes a lot of courage to
actually express.
(09:37):
An emotion and opinion, arequest of somebody else.
It takes a lot of courage.
To do that.
And so, for example, I'll justtell you about Sarah.
So Sarah.
She really worked up the courageto tell her partner that she's
feeling really overwhelmed rightnow.
And she would like a little bitmore domestic support around the
house.
Now.
A partner who is acting throughthat lens of emotional maturity.
(10:00):
Then they might responddefensively.
So they might respond withdon't.
You know how hard I work allday, I worked so hard to provide
for this family and I come homeexhausted and you don't
appreciate everything that I do.
And now you want even more fromme now notice that her partner,
in this instance, they're notacknowledging Sarah's overwhelm.
(10:20):
Instead, they're actually tryingto Trump Sara's overwhelmed with
their own.
And that is often something thathappens in these toxic or
imbalanced relationships is thatthe partner is going to make it
about them.
And they're going to be matchingthat emotion and turning up the
level a little bit more becausethey've probably also learned
that, Hey, if I can make myemotions a little bit louder,
(10:41):
then I know that they will tendto accommodate or placate me.
Right.
So just kind of notice that aswell.
If one partner is making itabout them, And using that Trump
card rather than actuallyhearing and validating the
emotion and actually hearing therequest and working to come up
with a solution because it's noteven necessarily about the other
person.
Right.
That's where the emotionalimmaturity comes in.
(11:01):
It might not have anything to dowith them.
In this instance.
And this instance it's aboutSarah's overwhelmed.
And if her partner is unable tohelp out with some of the
domestic duties, maybe theycould look into other options.
Maybe they hire help.
Maybe they.
They recruit family members tostep in every now and then
there's a lot of ways.
That Sarah's overwhelm could getmanaged and regulated.
(11:22):
Um, and it might even just take,just listening and understanding
that boy, I really understandthat you're feeling overwhelmed.
How about if we workshop someideas and see what it is that we
can do to help, to help withthat?
Because I don't want you to beoverwhelmed.
I want you to be my old Sarah.
I want you to feel competent andcapable, and I want you to have
downtime too.
I know that I'm feelingoverwhelmed and I don't even
know what your day looks like,and I really want your needs to
(11:44):
be met too.
Right.
That's coming through that lensof emotional maturity where
we're able to see that.
Okay.
Maybe it's not about me.
Let me focus on my partner andwhat it is that they're feeling
and what is coming up for them.
So in this instance with Sarah,if her partner is exploding and
trying to Trump, her overwhelmedwith their overwhelm, then if
Sarah is a highly sensitiveperson or an empath, she's going
(12:05):
to feel they're overwhelmed sodeeply.
And then what happens is she isnow processing her overwhelmed.
And they're overwhelmed.
But she still wasn't getting anyhelp or resolution with her
overwhelmed.
So it kind of compounds theproblem, which is why a lot of
highly sensitive people inempath do tend to placate.
(12:26):
And accommodate because thathelps to minimize their load.
Right.
If they can't.
It's a lot of work to processyour emotions and somebody
else's.
And so if they can play Kate,the other person, then they only
have to manage and regulatetheir own emotions, which can
feel so much easier than havingto do the emotional processing
(12:46):
for both parties.
It totally makes sense why we dothose things.
And also it's not supersustainable to take on that
emotional load.
Now, as I said earlier, I couldcoach on this for weeks at a
time.
But for today, Then I'm going toshare with you just a few
pointers of how to get out ofthis EBUS.
(13:07):
Hm.
Hm.
No, I could honestly coach onthis for like weeks at a time,
in fact, offer six weekpackages.
So if you want to come and workwith me and dedicate six weeks
to this, come and work with me,I can help to teach you the
tools to help you to get out ofthe Cbus.
But for today, I'm going toshare these two main pointers.
And the first one is which wetalked about before.
(13:29):
Is take some time to emotionallyprocess.
Tend to your nervous system.
And do what is needed for you toget out of this fight flight
freeze or fawn response?
I do have an episode on here.
About fawning being the top.
I do have an episode on herethat I'll link in the show notes
about fawning being a highlysensitive person or an empath
(13:52):
stress response.
We really love our fawning,right?
That's the people pleasing thatsupplicating so check out that
episode, if this is somethingthat you tend to do, but tend to
your own nervous system.
So you can get out of that fightflight freeze or fawn response.
Because it's too hard to seeclearly the whole situation when
we're in that place.
So if you do notice that you areyour, so if you do notice.
(14:15):
A little bit.
So if you do notice that yournervous system is feeling really
off, take some time to tend toyourself and calm your nervous
system so that you can have thatclarity when we are in emotional
overwhelm, it's we can't.
When we are in emotionaloverwhelm, we cannot see things
clearly, and we're more likelyto continue those patterns and
not create the change that isneeded.
(14:37):
So after you have calmed yournervous system and you've
stepped out of fight flightfreeze or fawn, then step two is
remind yourself why you broughtit up in the first place.
You're a good person, more thanlikely you love this other
person and you want to createsomething that is more
sustainable for both of you.
(14:58):
And that means that sometimesyou might need to tell them
explicitly.
And that means that sometimesyou might need to tell them
explicitly what is needed inorder for it to be sustainable
for you.
A lot of impasse and highlysensitive people are very
accommodating of others.
And so it's quite common forthere to be a bit of an
imbalance.
And here's the thing is I'vealso learned the impasse and
(15:18):
highly sensitive people.
They actually have very lowneeds.
They just need a little bit oflove and validation from time to
time, but we tend to make it alot bigger in our own minds.
It can feel big and it can feelscary to make those requests.
But asking to make therelationship more sustainable.
That is an act of love.
It is unsustainable to not makethose requests, because then
(15:41):
guess what, ultimately, it'sgoing to lead to you feeling
burned out angry and resentfultowards the very person that you
are wanting to connect with.
So remind yourself that.
Yeah, I had a reason forspeaking up and it's coming from
a place of love and it's becauseI want this relationship to
work.
Some partners might tell you no,you're the one ruining things
(16:01):
because you're bringing upthings that are making me feel
uncomfortable.
But how you show up is aboutyou.
And their response is aboutthem.
And in fact, that's my third tiphere is remember that their
reaction is about them and itcan be helpful when you are
taking something to somebody toget really clear on how it is
that you want to show up aheadof time.
Make it measurable.
(16:21):
So maybe you're coming up withyour very clear single sentence.
One, two, maybe three sentencesmax, on what it is that you
want, making it clear andconcise so that they can hear
you more clearly as to what'sgoing on for you.
Right.
So you get to make itmeasurable.
So sometimes.
So, let me give you an examplehere.
(16:42):
I worked with one client whereshe was showing up at a party.
Where she knew that somebodythat was going to be there at
their pro.
So, let me share an examplereally quick, just to illustrate
this and how you can make it alittle bit more clear for
yourself and make it measurable.
Um, I had one client who wasgoing to a party and she knew
that there was going to besomebody there at that party
that really didn't like her.
(17:03):
And it was creating a lot ofanxiety for her.
She had so much fear and anxietyaround how the other person was
going to show up.
That she wasn't taking the timeneeded to decide how it was that
she actually wanted to show up.
So I coached her on it and shethought through, okay, well,
what I want to do is I want tobe kind, I want to be engaging.
I want to make sure that I askeach person one question about
(17:24):
them.
And that I.
And if I'm feeling a little bitinsecure, then I can get myself
to safety and that's what I'mgoing to do.
And that's how I'm going to makeit measurable.
And if I show up in that way, Iknow that I will be standing in
my own integrity and I will feelless insecure.
I'm going to be less likely toshrivel.
I'm going to be less likely togrovel or to try to win this
person over that.
(17:45):
Obviously doesn't like me.
I can just feel confident in howit is that I'm showing up.
And if the other person doesmake comments, I can know that
their comments are about that.
I can know that I'm showing upwell, and if they make negative
comments, then that is aboutthem.
So keep that in mind, make itmeasurable for you when you are
going into a relationship.
(18:06):
When you are going into aconversation to talk with
somebody about something, toshare an opinion, to make
request to state a boundary.
Make it measurable for yourselfand show up in ways that you are
proud of.
And remember that their responseis about them.
Don't over identify as theproblem, even if they're telling
you that you're the problem.
Remind yourself.
No, I decided ahead of time, howI was going to show up and how,
(18:28):
what that.
And what that would look likefor me to show up in my own
integrity.
And I checked those boxes and Idid it well, and I'm proud of
me.
And they had an emotionalresponse and I'm going to let
them own that.
All right.
So if this sounds familiar,remember to like, and subscribe
and Hey, come and work with me.
I would love to work with you.
(18:49):
As I said, I have six weekpackages.
My clients are always coming andgoing, and my schedule for next
month is filling up quickly.
So make sure that you contactme, click the link in the show
notes.
Click the link in the show notesto apply to work with me.
And, yeah, let's talk soon.
All right.
I hope you have a great week.
Bye now.
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is Marianne Walker and Iam the life coach for empaths
and highly sensitive people.
And I just got off of a callwith a client and this client
used such a fantastic term todescribe a very common
experience.
And so I thought that we wouldtalk about that today.
But the word that they used wasempath abyss.
(00:22):
Now the impact that this is theplace that you go when you're
feeling extremely disoriented,you maybe don't even know what
happened.
Your emotions are reallyheightened.
They're kind of bouncing allover the place.
It's hard to differentiateyourself from the other person.
There's just kind of a lot goingon when you were in the empath
at best.
And this is true for impasse aswell as highly sensitive people.
It can feel very similar.
(00:43):
It feels kind of like the rughas been pulled out from
underneath you.
So some of the symptoms.
Of being in the empathy of thisis that you struggle to make
requests from other people.
And instead you might actuallybecome overly accommodating of
others.
Maybe you share something thatyou think is an absolute for you
and you think, yes, this isabsolutely my truth.
And then you get some feedbackfrom the other person that oh
(01:06):
no, that can't possibly be true.
And so when they respondnegatively, you assume, oh, well
they must be true because youfeel their feelings so deeply.
Right?
So you think, oh, So then youthink, oh, well they must be
right.
Their experience must be moretrue because we feel their
emotions so much.
Like they're our own, it's easyto dismiss our own because we
really can feel.
(01:26):
What it is that they'reconveying.
Right.
So we tend to minimize our ownfeelings and turn up the volume
on somebody.
Else's.
And.
And more likely than not.
When we fall into this abyss, itis due to somebody else
responding in a different waythan how we think that they
should.
We find ourselves feeling caughtoff guard by somebody's neck.
(01:49):
We find ourselves feeling caughtoff guard by somebody else's
negative response.
To how we're showing up.
So, for example, maybe you makea request of somebody.
And this might be a request forreciprocation for more time, for
more energy, for more affection,whatever you make a request of
somebody.
And then instead of saying, ohyeah, that's something that I
can do.
(02:09):
Or even having a discussionabout what they are capable of
doing.
Instead then they might tell youthat you were wrong for making
such a request.
Maybe they tell you that youwere selfish.
Maybe they tell you that I can'tbelieve this.
You're so inconsiderate of me.
How dare you ask such a thing ofme.
And so when they had their bigemotional response, Then you
might start to kind of spiralinto shame.
(02:32):
You're believing they're wordsthat you have done something
wrong that you are out of placeby making such a request.
And when that happens, it'shighly likely that you might
even become even moreaccommodating of the other
person.
To make a Benz.
So when you make a request andthey say, I can't do that, how
dare you?
Don't you know, how burned out.
I am.
Then you might be more overlyaccommodating of them, which is
(02:54):
actually increasing the gap thatyou were wanting to fill.
Another example might be thatyou're setting a boundary with
somebody that you've reallythought long and hard about you
feel like it's important to setthis boundary.
And then the other personresponds negatively to it.
So they tell you, well, how dareyou?
You should just love meregardless.
Like how dare you set boundarieswith me?
(03:15):
I should be the exception toyour rule.
Don't you love me?
Don't you understand?
If you understood.
Then, if you are.
If you are a more loving person,then you'd understand like, why
I'm the way that I am and whyyou shouldn't set this boundary
with me instead.
You should just forgive me.
So this is often something thathappens in a toxic relationship
where you have had to state aboundary because it's not
(03:35):
working for you.
And then they might be turningit around on you saying, but no,
but if you loved me, you wouldmake me the exception to the
rule where they're now making ityour responsibility to change
rather than creatingaccountability for themselves.
And again, this is going tostart that guilt and shame
cycle.
Where it's really easy whenyou're an empath or a highly
sensitive person to believe whatit is that they're telling you.
(03:57):
And so then you might start totell yourself the story that,
oh, I shouldn't have set thatboundary.
You know what I can see now thatI did a lot of damage to them by
stating a boundary, they hurt somuch because I stay a boundary,
I guess, that I was in the wrongfor doing such a thing.
Or maybe you're sharingsomething that is really
important to you.
(04:18):
For example, maybe you reallywant to start setting aside some
money to save up for a romanticgetaway with each other, or
maybe you're feelingunappreciated and you would like
a little bit more support aroundthe house.
Or maybe.
Hmm.
Hm.
Or maybe you just want to sharesomething with your friend or
your partner, this reallyimportant to you.
(04:40):
For example, maybe you sharethat, Hey, I've been feeling
like things are a little bit outof balance at home, or maybe
you're even asking for a littlebit more domestic support or
asking for supports in otherways that you're maybe feeling a
little bit unappreciated, you'rejust sharing any emotion and
looking for a bit ofconversation around how to get
that very valid need met andthen they might explode and they
(05:01):
might say, well, Hey, don't yousee that I'm doing everything
that I can do.
How dare you ask me for more?
And so then when they do that,you find yourself shrinking, you
find yourself spinning, you,find yourself asking questions.
Like, why am I the bad guy?
Was I out of line?
Am I asking too much?
Well, maybe I don't actuallylove them unconditionally
because they're right.
I don't like that.
They're doing that thing.
(05:21):
And I'm asking them to changenow, where do I go?
And this is the empath abyss.
Now we get into the abyss inquite a few different ways, but
I'm going to tell you about twoof them.
So one way that we end up in theempathic is we feel other
people's emotions.
So strongly.
That their emotions seem almostmore valid than ours.
(05:43):
It invalidates our experienceand maybe we've become so
conditioned to accommodateothers.
That is just very easy for us todo.
It's easy for us to say, oh, youknow what?
You're right.
You're right.
I can feel that you're verypassionate about this.
And we might assume that theyare right, because they're
speaking more loudly or morepassionately, or we might
legitimately feel it in ourbody, all of their anger and all
(06:04):
of their rage around this.
And so we will assume that, oh,they're right.
Or we might be overlyaccommodating because a fear,
right.
We think, oh, no, if they'rethis upset, then what's going to
happen next.
I don't know what's going tohappen.
I need to placate them and makethem happy.
But then we're kind of not inintegrity with ourselves.
Right.
Okay.
Now the second reason why wemight fall into the abyss.
(06:26):
Is that we are not feelingconfident or secure within
ourselves.
And when we're not feelingconfident and secure in
ourselves, it makes it easierfor us to move those boundaries.
We think everything must benegotiable because I don't
actually feel solid and securewithin myself.
But then we end up feeling evenmore spinny because we are out
of alignment.
With our own integrity.
(06:48):
So I'm going to share with youtwo ways to get out of this
emotional a bit.
Hmm.
So, let me share with youbriefly, just two ways to get
out of this abyss.
Of course.
If you want to.
Now we could spend weeks workingon this in session.
And so I know this is a veryabbreviated version.
So if this is resonating withyou, come and work with me and
(07:10):
we can spend more time on thisand your particular situation,
but I'm going to share with youtwo ways to help you to get out
of the abyss.
And the first is you really needto process your own emotions.
Turn up the volume on your ownemotions.
You've been turning up thevolume on everybody else's
emotions and giving themlegitimacy.
But there's room for you to haveyour experience and for them to
(07:30):
have their experience.
See if you can differentiateyour emotions from theirs and
give yourself some time to feelthose feelings.
Take some time.
Hmm.
Hmm.
So feel those feelings and thenacknowledge how it is that you
got here.
Be open to the possibility thatmaybe you got here, not because
(07:52):
you are wrong, but becauseyou're just really sensitive to
other people's responses,there's nothing wrong with you.
This is just what it looks like.
Sometimes when you're highlysensitive to other people's
emotions.
We often end up in this messbecause either one or both of us
is kind of a little bitemotionally immature.
And so either we are not secureenough within ourselves to
(08:13):
navigate it.
And to navigate it when we havethose differences or the one
that we're engaging with it.
Then they aren't equipped tohandle our differences of
opinion.
And so it's going to create thisstrange dynamic where since we
don't know how to navigate ourown emotions, or they don't know
how to navigate, there's, we'retrying to control the other
person and trying to controltheir perception.
And this can either be bytalking more loudly to let them
(08:34):
know that no, my way is the trueway, or it might be trying to
control how they're feeling byplacating and, and people
pleasing in order to get thatsame response.
There's more than one way thatwe can attempt to control the
other person.
But that's what it looks likewhen we're coming through that
lens of emotional immaturity iswe're trying to control the
other person and we're notactually finding resolution.
We're not actually being open topossibility.
(08:56):
We're not actually compromisingand coming together on it.
Um, so just kind of be aware ifthat is something that is coming
up for you.
So it can be very disorientingat the other.
One other thing to notice is itcan be very disorienting and you
can fall into that abyss whenthe other person is making it
about themselves.
(09:17):
And so I ended up.
One other thing to notice isthat it can be extremely
disorienting.
If maybe you're in relationshipwith somebody that tends to make
it about themselves.
And again, this is aboutcontrol, right?
We feel like we control thingswhen it's about us.
So I know a lot of impasse andhighly sensitive people.
It takes a lot of strength andit takes a lot of courage to
actually express.
(09:37):
An emotion and opinion, arequest of somebody else.
It takes a lot of courage.
To do that.
And so, for example, I'll justtell you about Sarah.
So Sarah.
She really worked up the courageto tell her partner that she's
feeling really overwhelmed rightnow.
And she would like a little bitmore domestic support around the
house.
Now.
A partner who is acting throughthat lens of emotional maturity.
(10:00):
Then they might responddefensively.
So they might respond withdon't.
You know how hard I work allday, I worked so hard to provide
for this family and I come homeexhausted and you don't
appreciate everything that I do.
And now you want even more fromme now notice that her partner,
in this instance, they're notacknowledging Sarah's overwhelm.
(10:20):
Instead, they're actually tryingto Trump Sara's overwhelmed with
their own.
And that is often something thathappens in these toxic or
imbalanced relationships is thatthe partner is going to make it
about them.
And they're going to be matchingthat emotion and turning up the
level a little bit more becausethey've probably also learned
that, Hey, if I can make myemotions a little bit louder,
(10:41):
then I know that they will tendto accommodate or placate me.
Right.
So just kind of notice that aswell.
If one partner is making itabout them, And using that Trump
card rather than actuallyhearing and validating the
emotion and actually hearing therequest and working to come up
with a solution because it's noteven necessarily about the other
person.
Right.
That's where the emotionalimmaturity comes in.
(11:01):
It might not have anything to dowith them.
In this instance.
And this instance it's aboutSarah's overwhelmed.
And if her partner is unable tohelp out with some of the
domestic duties, maybe theycould look into other options.
Maybe they hire help.
Maybe they.
They recruit family members tostep in every now and then
there's a lot of ways.
That Sarah's overwhelm could getmanaged and regulated.
(11:22):
Um, and it might even just take,just listening and understanding
that boy, I really understandthat you're feeling overwhelmed.
How about if we workshop someideas and see what it is that we
can do to help, to help withthat?
Because I don't want you to beoverwhelmed.
I want you to be my old Sarah.
I want you to feel competent andcapable, and I want you to have
downtime too.
I know that I'm feelingoverwhelmed and I don't even
know what your day looks like,and I really want your needs to
(11:44):
be met too.
Right.
That's coming through that lensof emotional maturity where
we're able to see that.
Okay.
Maybe it's not about me.
Let me focus on my partner andwhat it is that they're feeling
and what is coming up for them.
So in this instance with Sarah,if her partner is exploding and
trying to Trump, her overwhelmedwith their overwhelm, then if
Sarah is a highly sensitiveperson or an empath, she's going
(12:05):
to feel they're overwhelmed sodeeply.
And then what happens is she isnow processing her overwhelmed.
And they're overwhelmed.
But she still wasn't getting anyhelp or resolution with her
overwhelmed.
So it kind of compounds theproblem, which is why a lot of
highly sensitive people inempath do tend to placate.
(12:26):
And accommodate because thathelps to minimize their load.
Right.
If they can't.
It's a lot of work to processyour emotions and somebody
else's.
And so if they can play Kate,the other person, then they only
have to manage and regulatetheir own emotions, which can
feel so much easier than havingto do the emotional processing
(12:46):
for both parties.
It totally makes sense why we dothose things.
And also it's not supersustainable to take on that
emotional load.
Now, as I said earlier, I couldcoach on this for weeks at a
time.
But for today, Then I'm going toshare with you just a few
pointers of how to get out ofthis EBUS.
(13:07):
Hm.
Hm.
No, I could honestly coach onthis for like weeks at a time,
in fact, offer six weekpackages.
So if you want to come and workwith me and dedicate six weeks
to this, come and work with me,I can help to teach you the
tools to help you to get out ofthe Cbus.
But for today, I'm going toshare these two main pointers.
And the first one is which wetalked about before.
(13:29):
Is take some time to emotionallyprocess.
Tend to your nervous system.
And do what is needed for you toget out of this fight flight
freeze or fawn response?
I do have an episode on here.
About fawning being the top.
I do have an episode on herethat I'll link in the show notes
about fawning being a highlysensitive person or an empath
(13:52):
stress response.
We really love our fawning,right?
That's the people pleasing thatsupplicating so check out that
episode, if this is somethingthat you tend to do, but tend to
your own nervous system.
So you can get out of that fightflight freeze or fawn response.
Because it's too hard to seeclearly the whole situation when
we're in that place.
So if you do notice that you areyour, so if you do notice.
(14:15):
A little bit.
So if you do notice that yournervous system is feeling really
off, take some time to tend toyourself and calm your nervous
system so that you can have thatclarity when we are in emotional
overwhelm, it's we can't.
When we are in emotionaloverwhelm, we cannot see things
clearly, and we're more likelyto continue those patterns and
not create the change that isneeded.
(14:37):
So after you have calmed yournervous system and you've
stepped out of fight flightfreeze or fawn, then step two is
remind yourself why you broughtit up in the first place.
You're a good person, more thanlikely you love this other
person and you want to createsomething that is more
sustainable for both of you.
(14:58):
And that means that sometimesyou might need to tell them
explicitly.
And that means that sometimesyou might need to tell them
explicitly what is needed inorder for it to be sustainable
for you.
A lot of impasse and highlysensitive people are very
accommodating of others.
And so it's quite common forthere to be a bit of an
imbalance.
And here's the thing is I'vealso learned the impasse and
(15:18):
highly sensitive people.
They actually have very lowneeds.
They just need a little bit oflove and validation from time to
time, but we tend to make it alot bigger in our own minds.
It can feel big and it can feelscary to make those requests.
But asking to make therelationship more sustainable.
That is an act of love.
It is unsustainable to not makethose requests, because then
(15:41):
guess what, ultimately, it'sgoing to lead to you feeling
burned out angry and resentfultowards the very person that you
are wanting to connect with.
So remind yourself that.
Yeah, I had a reason forspeaking up and it's coming from
a place of love and it's becauseI want this relationship to
work.
Some partners might tell you no,you're the one ruining things
(16:01):
because you're bringing upthings that are making me feel
uncomfortable.
But how you show up is aboutyou.
And their response is aboutthem.
And in fact, that's my third tiphere is remember that their
reaction is about them and itcan be helpful when you are
taking something to somebody toget really clear on how it is
that you want to show up aheadof time.
Make it measurable.
(16:21):
So maybe you're coming up withyour very clear single sentence.
One, two, maybe three sentencesmax, on what it is that you
want, making it clear andconcise so that they can hear
you more clearly as to what'sgoing on for you.
Right.
So you get to make itmeasurable.
So sometimes.
So, let me give you an examplehere.
(16:42):
I worked with one client whereshe was showing up at a party.
Where she knew that somebodythat was going to be there at
their pro.
So, let me share an examplereally quick, just to illustrate
this and how you can make it alittle bit more clear for
yourself and make it measurable.
Um, I had one client who wasgoing to a party and she knew
that there was going to besomebody there at that party
that really didn't like her.
(17:03):
And it was creating a lot ofanxiety for her.
She had so much fear and anxietyaround how the other person was
going to show up.
That she wasn't taking the timeneeded to decide how it was that
she actually wanted to show up.
So I coached her on it and shethought through, okay, well,
what I want to do is I want tobe kind, I want to be engaging.
I want to make sure that I askeach person one question about
(17:24):
them.
And that I.
And if I'm feeling a little bitinsecure, then I can get myself
to safety and that's what I'mgoing to do.
And that's how I'm going to makeit measurable.
And if I show up in that way, Iknow that I will be standing in
my own integrity and I will feelless insecure.
I'm going to be less likely toshrivel.
I'm going to be less likely togrovel or to try to win this
person over that.
(17:45):
Obviously doesn't like me.
I can just feel confident in howit is that I'm showing up.
And if the other person doesmake comments, I can know that
their comments are about that.
I can know that I'm showing upwell, and if they make negative
comments, then that is aboutthem.
So keep that in mind, make itmeasurable for you when you are
going into a relationship.
(18:06):
When you are going into aconversation to talk with
somebody about something, toshare an opinion, to make
request to state a boundary.
Make it measurable for yourselfand show up in ways that you are
proud of.
And remember that their responseis about them.
Don't over identify as theproblem, even if they're telling
you that you're the problem.
Remind yourself.
No, I decided ahead of time, howI was going to show up and how,
(18:28):
what that.
And what that would look likefor me to show up in my own
integrity.
And I checked those boxes and Idid it well, and I'm proud of
me.
And they had an emotionalresponse and I'm going to let
them own that.
All right.
So if this sounds familiar,remember to like, and subscribe
and Hey, come and work with me.
I would love to work with you.
(18:49):
As I said, I have six weekpackages.
My clients are always coming andgoing, and my schedule for next
month is filling up quickly.
So make sure that you contactme, click the link in the show
notes.
Click the link in the show notesto apply to work with me.
And, yeah, let's talk soon.
All right.
I hope you have a great week.
Bye now.
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