159: Why Drama-Seekers Are Obsessed with You (and How to Finally Stop the Cycle)

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Do you constantly find yourself putting out emotional fires you didn’t start?
Are you the peacekeeper in relationships, only to feel drained by the chaos others bring?

If so, this episode is for you.

As an empath, a helper, or a recovering people pleaser, you might unknowingly attract people who thrive on drama. These tension seekers feed off conflict, and their emotional turbulence often disrupts your inner peace. In today’s episode, I’ll help you identify these patterns, understand why these people are drawn to you, and most importantly—how to protect your peace without dimming your light.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• The subtle signs of a tension seeker—and how they manipulate empathy.
• Why drama seekers are magnetically drawn to empathetic people.
• The emotional cost of being the "fixer" in these dynamics.
• 3 powerful mindset shifts to reclaim your peace:
  • Protect your peace with firm boundaries.
  • It’s not your job to fix other people’s messes.
  • Your light is not the problem—protect it, don’t shrink it.
• Clear boundary examples you can start using today—spoken or unspoken.
• How to stop the people-pleasing loop and start honoring your inner calm.

Challenge for the Week:

Ask yourself:
“Where am I accommodating someone else's chaos in an attempt to keep the peace?”
Then lovingly take one step to reclaim your space and energy.

Work With Me:

If this episode resonated with you, you don’t have to navigate this alone. My 6-week coaching package is designed to help empaths and highly sensitive people, like you, to set boundaries, stop people pleasing, and reclaim their energy—without guilt.
Click below to learn more and book your spot.

Don’t Forget to Subscribe:

And come say hi on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube—I’m sharing daily insights to support your inner work.

Your peace matters. You don’t have to earn it by fixing other people first.

Links Mentioned in This Episode:

• Book a Coaching Package: https://maryannwalker.life/contact-me
• Boundary Setting Episodes: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2028767/episodes/11236956
• Follow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/maryannwalker.life/
• Follow on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@maryannwalker.life
• Follow on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/maryannwalker.life
• Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@maryannwalkerlife

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker.
I'm the life coach for thehelpers, the healers, and the
people pleasers.
And today we're going to betalking about something that
might be hitting a little bitclose to home for you,
especially if you are someonewho wants peace.
You are a peace seeker.
And you really want there to bezero conflict.
You're very uncomfortable aroundconflict, and yet you may find

(00:20):
yourself in relationship withpeople that seem to seek it out.
Okay, so today we're gonna betalking about the drama seekers
and the tension seekers where itseems like they are just
magnetically drawn to chaos andthey create it wherever they go.
We're gonna talk about not only.
Kind of who they are, but alsowhy they wanna be in
relationship with you.
And also, I'm gonna share sometips towards the end about how

(00:43):
to protect yourself againstthese personalities that just
wanna stir up trouble.
So first, let's talk about whothe tension seekers really are.
These are the people that reallylike to stir the pot.
So they might gossip andtriangulate, they might nitpick
and criticize, and they justgenerally feed off of conflict.
And they may even try to justifytheir behaviors by saying things

(01:04):
like, well, I'm just beinghonest.
But their form of honesty, itrarely feels kind, productive,
or supportive.
And maybe they're alwaysstirring things up within your
friend group, within your familyat the workplace.
They're kind of everywhere.
Okay.
So notice where it might beshowing up for you.
And they might even be sayingthings like, well.
I don't think that they likeyou.

(01:25):
Did you see how they just lookedat you?
And when you question, okay, whyare you telling me this?
That doesn't seem very nice.
Then they might even tell yousomething like, well, I am just
looking out for you.
They're trying to be the goodguy, but they're creating a lot
of unnecessary drama.
Or maybe there's somebody thatis constantly making a really
big deal out of little things.

(01:45):
They're hypercritical about howyou dress, how you eat, how you
decorate your home, anythingreally, even though there's no
right or wrong way to do thosethings, and they constantly
assert their opinions as ifthey're universal truths.
And while they may be loudlyclaiming to hate drama, you may
start to notice that they'realmost always the center of it.

(02:06):
So at first they might comeacross as just being
misunderstood.
They might even tell you, well,people are always
misunderstanding me.
They're always questioning mymotives, but I have such a good
heart.
You are the only one who getsme.
But despite that, somethingstill feels off to you.
So when something inside of yousays that something is off,
listen, proceed with caution andcourse correct as needed because

(02:30):
you might be in relationshipwith a tension seeker.
Okay?
I get it, that we wanna look forthe best in everybody, but not
everybody has the best ofintentions.
The truth is that highlyempathetic people.
they seek out harmony andemotional safety, not just for
themselves, but for others aswell.
Tension seekers on the otherhand, then they crave the
stimulation that comes throughemotional chaos.

(02:52):
In many cases, they're deeplydisconnected from their own
inner peace, and so what they'retrying to do is destabilize
other people in an attempt tofeel more control of themselves
or to increase their ownself-worth by fabricating
situations where now they'regoing to be needed to fix the
problem because they were theonly one that saw it.
But also it was something thatthey completely made up, so they

(03:13):
aren't seeking peace, they'reactually seeking emotional
turbulence.
So why are tension seekers drawnto empathetic people?
Um, number one, empatheticpeople are super awesome.
Who wouldn't be drawn to you,right?
You're so soothing.
You validate other people.
Your mere presence isemotionally stabilizing.
Empathetic people often do theemotional heavy lifting in

(03:35):
relationships, and that makeseverybody that they come into
contact with.
All of their lives are madebetter simply because you're in
it.
You just make everything feel alittle bit easier.
They feel more seen, moreunderstood.
Life just goes better when youare around.
Tension seekers on the otherhand, then they're often
emotionally underdeveloped.
And guess what?
Because they're emotionallyunderdeveloped, they absolutely
love what it is that you bringto the table.

(03:57):
They gain a lot of benefits fromsimply being in relationship
with you.
And so why would they learn howto self-regulate when they have
somebody like you who is aroundto do that work for them?
Empathetic people, especiallythose who lean into the people
pleasing behaviors.
They tend to prioritize otherpeople's comfort over their own,
making them highly accommodatingof other people, which

(04:19):
essentially means that they makean ideal partner for somebody
who doesn't want to do their owninner work.
Whether this be a romanticrelationship in a business
relationship or a friendship,the tension seekers are
subconsciously drawn to whatTony Overbay calls the
pathologically kind.
You are the calm in the storm.
And they like to bring a littlestorm along just to keep that

(04:41):
cycle alive of you jumping inand rescuing and fixing the
problem, right?
And so this dynamic often turnsinto a people pleasing loop.
They stir up the drama, and thenyou work hard to calm everybody
down, and you do this again, andagain and again.
And in the beginning you mighteven tell yourself, oh, they
just really need some help rightnow.
Or, I'm the only one who canhelp them right now.
They just need me.

(05:02):
But over time, then you mightbegin to see that they have no
intention of changing becausewhat they're currently doing is
working for them.
Okay?
They love how things areworking.
It's not working for you, but itis working for them.
And you are the one who'sbecoming more and more drained,
trying to change things, whereasthey absolutely love that cycle.

(05:23):
So if this pattern soundsfamiliar to you, here are three
powerful truths that I want youto hold close as you navigate
these relationships.
First, set boundaries aroundyour peace.
Your peace is sacred, so do whatis needed to maintain it.
Remember that a boundary isn'tabout controlling someone
else's.
Behavior.
It's not, you can't do this tome, but instead, it's more of an

(05:45):
if then statement.
It's if you choose to do this,then this is how I will choose
to respond.
So I will post in the show notesa few different episodes.
I know I've done severalepisodes on boundary setting, so
I'll post those in the shownotes if you wanna go and learn
about those in a little bit moredepth.
but as a reminder, boundariescan be spoken or unspoken.
They can be verbal or energetic,and that means that you might

(06:07):
choose to state these boundariesout loud, or you might just
choose to decide what yourboundaries are, and then follow
through with your action and letyour action do the talking here.
And so I'm gonna share a fewexamples about what boundaries
can look like.
And again, maybe these arethings that you want to say out
loud, or maybe these are waysthat you just course correct
your actions and let youractions do the talking.

(06:27):
So here's a few ideas ofboundaries.
If you continue to talk badlyabout our coworkers at lunch,
I'm gonna be eating somewhereelse.
If you continue to be criticalof me, I won't be spending time
with you.
If you continue to spread falseinformation, I won't be speaking
with you.
Now, notice each of those werean if then statement, and the
other times maybe you just wantto state a fact.

(06:50):
Okay.
That can also be very, veryhelpful in these relationships.
So for example, maybe you justfirmly declare that, yeah, I
choose to decorate my home withthings that I love.
Okay.
Another statement might be, myclothes are my own.
You don't need to wear them andyou don't need to comment on
them.
Or maybe you wanna say, ifsomebody has a problem with me,

(07:10):
they can come to me.
I don't need you to interfere.
Those would be very clearstatements that are also stating
a boundary.
Okay?
And all of them are loving,clear ways to protect your own
peace.
All right, tip number two.
It is not your job to fix it forother people.
You didn't cause the chaos theydid.

(07:31):
So let them be the ones to sitwith the discomfort that they
have created, and I totally getit.
I know it could be souncomfortable to watch this play
out, especially because you havelearned to be very highly
accommodating of other peopleand very sensitive to other
people's emotions.
It can be so uncomfortable towatch these things play out and
not do anything.

(07:51):
I totally get it.
And that's probably why you havestepped in time and time again
to smooth things over is becauseyou want to preserve not only
your own discomfort, but thediscomfort of other people.
Right?
But actions speak louder thanwords.
Not every conversation is worthhaving, and not every conflict
is yours to fix.
So maybe your new boundarymoving forward is this: no more

(08:13):
damage control.
If their choices create tensionat work, at home, or within our
friend group, then they get toexperience the consequences of
that.
And honestly, sometimes that'sthe most loving thing that you
can do because sometimesexperiencing the full weight of
natural consequences is thefastest way to experience
personal growth.

(08:33):
If they're willing to change, ifthey have a heart that's open to
change, that's what's gonnacreate change the fastest.
So remember that they createdthe tension.
They can learn how to resolveit.
It's not your job.
Okay?
And sometimes we might be doingthem a disservice by continuing
to placate, continuing to fix,continuing to be the one to
bring in the peace after they'vebrought in the storm.

(08:54):
Sometimes just letting thatstorm blow over can be the most
helpful thing.
And third, don't dim your lightjust because it attracts drama.
Your joy, your peace, and yourlight, they're magnetic and they
are amazing.
And while yes, that magnetismmight sometimes draw in a few
tension seekers, it's alsodrawing in a whole world of
absolutely amazing people.

(09:17):
I mean, come on.
That's how I found all of you.
You guys are amazing.
I just love you so much.
So sometimes when we're wrappedup in managing the chaos created
by others, we forget to lookaround at the other kind of
people that we've attracted, thepeople who are kind,
compassionate, accountable...
the people who are deeply awareof how their actions impact
others, the people who are alsoseeking peace.

(09:40):
In other words, the people justlike you.
Just because tension seekers aredrawn to your light, it doesn't
mean that you need to shrinkyourself to keep the peace.
That's the tendency of a lot ofpeople that I work with is they
think, these qualities must bebad because they brought in the
wrong people, but thesequalities that they're drawn to,
your empathy, your forgiveness,your patience, your integrity,

(10:01):
they're beautiful gifts, andthey shouldn't be shut down.
Instead, just protect them byputting boundaries into place
that honor those qualities andallow those qualities to really
flourish.
They've maybe been judged orshamed in the past, but protect
them because they're thebeautiful parts of you.
So keep being you.
Your positive impact is greaterthan you know.

(10:23):
So to close out, I just wannakind of normalize this
experience for you.
You're probably gonna have somepeople drawn to you that aren't
the healthiest, and that's okay.
That doesn't mean that anythingis wrong with you, okay?
If you have had a lot of tensionseekers in your life, it doesn't
mean that anything is wrong withyou.
It means that your light ispowerful.
You have every right to peace,to boundaries, to wholeness.

(10:46):
So please don't forfeit your ownpeace in an attempt to create it
for other people who areaddicted to drama.
Just take a little minute.
You can even do it right now.
Put your hand on your heart andjust ask yourself, okay, where
might I be accommodating someoneelse's chaos and an effort to
keep the peace?
And where can I lovingly reclaimmy space and my peace as an act

(11:06):
of self-love?
Now if this episode hasresonated with you, I would be
so grateful if you left areview.
It really does help out morethan you know.
And if somebody in your lifeneeds this message, go ahead and
share it with them.
If you are ready to shift thesedynamics and reclaim your peace,
I would love to support you.
My six week coaching packagesare designed for empathetic
people like you who are ready toreclaim their power, free of

(11:29):
fear, obligation, and guilt.
Again, you can just check outthe show notes to find the link
to come and work with me.
I would love to work with you.
I think that you'll be veryimpressed at everything that you
can accomplish in just six weekstogether.
So don't forget to subscribehere on the podcast and also
come and follow me on socialmedia.
I am on TikTok, Facebook,YouTube, Instagram, so come and

(11:50):
follow me there.
I'm offering support for you onyour own inner work.
You do deserve peace and youdon't need to earn it by fixing
other people first.
All right?
I hope you have a great week,and let's talk soon.
Bye now.