May 29, 2025 • 26 mins
Healing the Fixer, the Controller, and the Victim: Trying On New Roles for Growth
Sometimes the roles we’ve played in order to survive—like the fixer, the controller, or the victim—become so familiar that we mistake them for who we truly are. But what if those identities were never you? What if they were just survival strategies… and it’s finally safe to take them off?
Today we explore how to recognize when these old roles are at play and how to shift into new, healing identities that support your growth and relationships. You’ll learn how to try on new ways of being like the accountability coach, the curious collaborator, and the hero—roles that are empowering, connected, and aligned with your healing.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
- How to identify the “fixer,” “controller,” and “victim” roles when they show up in your life
- Why these identities often develop as a way to create safety in unsafe environments
- How to shift from the fixer to the accountability coach—supporting without enabling
- How to transform from the controller into the curious collaborator—inviting trust and flexibility
- How to evolve from the victim into the hero—finding your power through choice
- Questions to help you reflect on which roles you tend to wear and what it’s time to release
Challenge for the Week:
Notice when one of your old roles starts to take over—like the fixer jumping in to solve something that isn’t yours to fix. Pause. Ask yourself: “What would it feel like to choose a new identity here?” Then take one small step into a healing role, even if it feels unfamiliar.
Work With Me:
Ready to release the roles that no longer serve you? My 6-week coaching package helps empaths and HSPs reclaim their energy, rewrite their inner stories, and step fully into who they’re becoming. If you’re ready to shift from survival to thriving, click here to book your FREE consultation call to get started!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I saw this quote online and itreally hit me.
It said,"identities like thefixer, the controller, or the
victim that have helped us tosurvive cannot be the same
identities that will drivehealing.
For our nervous system to feelsafer, new identities rooted
more in truth than in woundsmust emerge." That was from
Awaken with Allie on Instagram,and this hit me so hard that
(00:24):
today I wanted to kind ofexplore this a little bit more
about how the identities thathave helped us to survive, then
they cannot be the same onesthat are going to drive our
healing and help us to step intosomething new.
So as you listen to today'sepisode, I want you to reflect
on the roles that you may havebeen playing in this life.
Roles like the fixer, thecontroller, or the victim.
(00:44):
Those roles were likely bornfrom a need to feel safe,
accepted, and in control inenvironments where you didn't
feel safe and secure, but nowyou're allowed to want more than
survival.
You're allowed to wantwholeness.
So today we're going to bebreaking down these three roles
to kind of help us to better seewhy it is that we chose to take
(01:05):
on that role, because we didchoose it, even if it was
subconsciously.
What's the impact of remainingin this role, and what role
might I choose to consciouslystep into instead?
So first let's talk about thefixer.
The fixer is the person whofeels personally responsible for
holding everything and everyone.
And this identity often formsearly in life, especially in
(01:27):
families where love may be feltconditional.
So you might have learned overtime that being helpful or
soothing others when they'reupset and managing their
emotions or solving problemsthat maybe that is what earned
you attention, affection, oreven just a moment of peace if
you grew up in a home of chaos.
The fixer believes"if I don'thandle it, who will?" Or they
(01:48):
might also believe,"I can'trelax until everybody else is
okay.
"Right?
They're constantly walking oneggshells, and that's one of the
reasons why they're fixingthings, is because they
themselves feel so anxious.
So if you are the go-to personfor every last minute request,
if you're always the one whosmooths things over, if you're
always the one that is first toapologize, if you find yourself
(02:10):
constantly cleaning up messesthat aren't yours, then you
might be showing up in life as afixer.
Many people pleasers live inthis fixer role.
And while this role can make youfeel really needed, it also can
become a very heavy burdenbecause, let's be honest, it is
absolutely exhausting trying tokeep everything running
smoothly.
Fixers often carry the weight ofeveryone else's emotions,
(02:33):
everyone else'sresponsibilities, and everyone
else's mistakes, whether they'reasked to do it or not.
And if I'm being honest withyou, one of the most common
things that I hear from thosethat identify as the fixer is I
just feel so unappreciated.
I feel so unseen.
And it's really frustratingbecause they really feel like
all of their efforts to makeeverything okay are going
(02:55):
unnoticed.
And probably because at thispoint it's become expected.
You've become the one who alwaysfigures it out, the one who
always picks up the slack, theone who always holds the
emotional load for everyone.
And over time, then that becomesa quiet kind of resentment.
It can also be really deeplylonely in this role.
Fixers don't always feel safeasking for help because they've
(03:18):
been cast as the one who has itall together.
They're tired.
But admitting that feels like afailure because of everybody
else's expectations that theyhave chosen to adopt.
And another interesting andnoteworthy thing about this
fixer role is that oftentimesbecause they're constantly
fixing things for other people,even when they didn't ask for
it, then this can actually robthe other person of experiencing
(03:40):
personal growth by learningthrough the struggle, by
learning how to fix their ownproblems.
So you might be trying to help,but it might also be
unintentionally sending themessage that, Hey, I don't trust
you to handle this on your own,so I better handle it.
So it creates this imbalance.
A lot of fixers experience,significant amounts of imbalance
in relationship, and that may beone reason why.
(04:03):
So if any of this resonates withyou, I want you to hear this
clearly that fixing was how youcoped.
It was how you tried to earnlove, create safety, or reduce
chaos.
And it made sense then, but itmight not be serving you now.
And the good news is that thereare healthier, more sustainable
ways to move forward from this.
(04:25):
One where you can still caredeeply without sacrificing
yourself just to hold everybodyelse together.
And this is creating that shiftfrom the fixer to the
accountability coach.
This identity, it still caresvery deeply, but it respects
boundaries, both yours andtheirs.
The accountability coach doesn'tswoop into the rescue, but
(04:45):
instead they believe in thegrowth and resilience of others.
They trust that people arecapable of learning through
their own personal experiences,even if it's uncomfortable.
In fact, especially if it'suncomfortable.
So shifting into this role mightsound like,"I trust that they
will learn and grow in their owntime.""I care enough about them
(05:07):
to let them face theconsequences of their choices."
"I didn't create this mess, soit is not mine to clean up." So
let's kind of look at anexample.
This one's an example for mypersonal life.
For a long time I was the fixerin my family.
This meant that as a parent, ifmy children forgot something,
this might be a sack lunch, ortheir laptop, or their
(05:29):
assignment that was due thatday, or maybe even their
instrument for band.
It didn't matter what it was, Iwould be showing up at the
school and bringing it to themto fix everything, to ultimately
prevent them from experiencing anegative emotion.
However, the lesson that my kidswere actually learning through
this was,"I don't have to worryabout it.
I don't even have to think aboutit.
If I forget something, mom willfix it." But they were not
(05:52):
learning responsibility and theywere not learning
accountability.
And when I started to noticethat it was actually happening
more frequently and not lessfrequently, that they were
forgetting things, I knew thatsomething needed to change.
I needed to step into thataccountability coach energy,
right?
So what I told them instead was,Hey, I'm gonna give you two
times throughout the entireschool year where I will bring
(06:12):
something you've forgotten.
So this means that there will betwo times where I will bring you
your lunch, or I will bring youyour flute if you've forgotten
or bring you that assignment.
But after that, you're gonna bea little bit uncomfortable,
because I'm not gonna be able tobring it to you.
And that's not me being ahurtful parent, but it's me
teaching them accountabilitythat, yeah, it's pretty
uncomfortable for my daughter,for example, to sit and play a
(06:35):
pretend air flute when she'sforgotten something, when she's
showing up at band.
But also that discomfort is anamazing teacher.
And once I started doing that,my kids were forgetting things
less and less, and soon I nevereven had to worry about it.
I didn't even have to bringthings twice.
I just knew that they'd figureit out and it would be okay.
It would be off of my shoulders,and it actually benefited both
(06:56):
of us for me to step into thataccountability coach energy and
step out of that fixer energy,So what does this look like for
you?
Maybe a friend constantlyovershares and emotionally dumps
on you and really is expectingyou to always fix what's going
wrong.
In their life, the fixer part ofyou might wanna jump in and say,
oh, I know exactly how youshould handle this Here, hand me
(07:17):
your phone.
I'll draft the text.
Right?
We'd be stepping in and doing itfor them.
But the accountability coach, itshows up a bit differently.
The accountability coach mightinstead create some
self-reflection for this friendasking, well, that really sounds
hard.
How are you thinking aboutnavigating that?
What are you gonna do?
It's creating an environmentwhere they're now
self-reflecting so that they canlearn how to solve their own
(07:40):
problems.
The accountability coach, theydon't stop caring, but they do
stop over-functioning.
And I'm going to say that againbecause it's a big deal.
The accountability coach doesn'tstop caring, but they do stop
over functioning.
They stop stepping in when it'snot their role.
And in doing so, they createspace for others to grow and
(08:01):
they create space to allowthemselves to rest.
And yeah, this shift does takecourage and it might feel like
you're abandoning people atfirst, but in reality, you are
modeling what healthy supportactually looks like.
You're no longer trying to earnlove by fixing everything, but
instead you are choosing to loveyourself and them enough to step
(08:24):
back and allow them space tostep up.
All right.
Let's talk about the secondrole, the controller.
This identity is often born fromchaos, so maybe growing up
things were really unpredictablefor you or maybe even felt
unsafe for you in the home.
You never knew what version ofsomeone would be walking through
the door at the end of the dayor when the next emotional
(08:45):
explosion would happen.
So you adapted.
You learned to manage what youcould, so you learned to manage
your space, your schedule, andother people's reactions.
Now, notice that last one,because I know a lot of you are
saying, well, I can tune outthis one because I'm not
controlling.
I'm a nice person.
I'm not controlling.
But this one might be a littlebit more subtle than you think.
(09:07):
So this one might look likejumping up off of the couch as
soon as your partner's cominghome in an attempt to control
their perception of what it isthat you've been doing all day.
It might look like taking on thelion's share of the load due to
the belief that other peoplearen't going to do it right, so
you never let them try.
It might look like attempting tocontrol other people's emotional
reactions to things by trying tofix things or coerce them out of
(09:31):
their emotion.
So it may not appear verycontrolling on the surface, but
the controlling is definitelythere.
It might also look like"knowing"what's best for somebody else
and attempting to control theirdiet, their behaviors, or their
habits.
I.
It comes from a loving place,but it can quickly feel like
overstepping, which oftentimescreates defensiveness rather
(09:54):
than that care and connectionthat you're hoping it will
create in relationship.
And eventually control maybecome part of your armor.
It gives you a sense of safety,but that sense of safety comes
at a cost.
So you might recognize thecontroller.
If you've ever said things like,why can't they just do it the
right way?
Don't they know that I knowwhat's best for them?
(10:17):
If I don't oversee everything,it's going to fall apart, or
even I can't relax unless I'm incharge, so that I know that it's
getting done right.
The controller often carries alot of hidden anxiety.
There's a little bit of bracingthat's happening underneath the
surface, so they're essentiallyalways anticipating what might
go wrong and then trying to headit off before it does go wrong,
(10:39):
and that's exhausting.
And when things don't go asplanned, it can feel like your
entire nervous system is anoverdrive.
And what's even harder is thatcontrol tends to push people
away.
So you may genuinely want tohave connection, collaboration,
or closeness, but your need tomanage or micromanage how other
people are showing up can makethem feel suffocated or
(11:01):
resistant to having moreintimate connection with you,
which only reinforces the beliefthat, well, if I don't do it
myself, it won't get done.
Right.
And then that rigidity, it canleave you feeling isolated.
Resentful and exhausted fromhaving to carry the mental and
emotional weight of everyoneelse's actions.
You might appear to have italtogether on the outside,
(11:22):
right?
That's what control wants us tobelieve is, I have it
altogether, it's gonna be justfine.
But inside you're constantly onedge waiting for the next thing
to go wrong.
Control at its root is fear indisguise.
It is a fear of being hurt.
It's a fear of beingdisappointed.
It's a fear that if you loosenyour grip, even the tiniest bit,
everything will fall apart.
(11:45):
And yet maybe part of you knowsthat it is time to loosen that
grip, even if it feels reallyscary.
So let's talk about how to shiftthat controller energy and the
antidote for controller energyis the curious collaborator, The
identity of the curiouscollaborator is still
thoughtful, intentional, andwell grounded, but it also
(12:06):
brings a sense of openness tothe relationship, a willingness
to see what's possible once yourelease the need to control
everything and invite in thatcuriosity instead.
The curious collaborator doesn'tassume that their way is the
only way or the only"right" way.
But instead then they ask, Hey,how might this play out?
(12:27):
Is there some middle ground thatwe could find here?
What could I learn from thisperson or this situation?
And what feedback might theyhave around this as well?
What might they be seeing thatI'm not seeing?
It brings in that curiositypiece.
This role is less about controland more about connection.
It honors your voice withoutneeding to be the dominant voice
(12:50):
in the room.
It also allows you to beflexible, creative, and open to
the unexpected, even when it'suncomfortable.
So let's say for example, thatyou're planning a family
vacation.
The controller in you wants tocreate the entire itinerary.
It wants to decide where to eat,what to do, how long you stay.
It has a lot of big ideas andreally thinks that it's right
(13:11):
and everything that yes, this isthe way to vacation, and you
also might be thinking, well, ifI don't plan it, it's just gonna
be chaotic, so I need to makethis plan and enforce the plan
so everybody will have a goodtime.
But the curious collaboratormight instead pause and say,
Hey, I wonder what's importantto everyone on this trip.
(13:33):
What would make it moremeaningful to you?
What does the right balance ofplanned and unplanned activities
look like for you?
It's inviting in the otherpeople into the conversation.
And then here's the hard part.
You actually let the otherpeople contribute, even if it's
not the way that you would doit.
And this doesn't mean that youhave to roll over and do
(13:53):
everything the way that theywould.
Right.
That's just shifting the controlwhere now you are a hundred
percent in control to now you'reputting them a hundred percent
in control.
It's not that, but it's insteadthat collaborative curiosity.
And it's also being okay if theydecide they wanna do something,
it's being okay with, okay, andI'm going to let myself go do
this other thing at the sametime, if we have different paces
(14:15):
when it comes to the number ofactivities, be okay with doing
some things on your own and letthem find the rest that they
need, it's going to createsignificantly more connection in
relationship.
A controller in relationshipmight be saying things like,
well, this is the way that wealways do things.
Or they might say somethinglike, well, no, this is how
we're supposed to divide up ourhome duties.
(14:36):
Or they might say, this is theway that we're supposed to or
not supposed to use our money.
You are doing it wrong.
Right.
It makes it about who is rightinstead of what is right, but
the curious collaborator, on theother hand, they're going to ask
and not tell.
Okay?
So for example, they might ask,Hey, what feels most supportive
for you in this moment?
(14:57):
Or they might say, I wonder ifthere's a way that we can
approach this together.
What might it look like for usto collaborate together on this?
Or what do you think a fairdivision of labor might look
like?
What are your financial goals?
It's opening it up to discussionrather than having it be a
lecture.
And this shift, it doesn't meanthat you're letting go of your
standards or that you'reabandoning structure altogether,
(15:17):
but it does mean that you stopassuming that you are the only
one that knows best.
It means that you'll lean intotrust instead of clinging to
control.
And yeah, it does require asignificant amount of
vulnerability.
Yes, it may feel messy at firstand really uncomfortable, but
that vulnerability is also wherethe deeper connection lives in
(15:38):
relationship.
It's where collaboration grows.
It's where you stop trying tomanage life like a machine and
instead start engaging with lifelike it's an adventure.
And as you step into this roleof the curious collaborator, you
might actually find that you'remore on the same page than you
think.
All right, so now let's talkabout the third role, the
victim.
This identity can be the hardestone to admit to because it's not
(16:00):
about weakness, but it's moreabout wounding.\ And it often
develops when somebody's needs,were consistently dismissed
invalidated or ignored.
So over time, you may have evenlearned that speaking up doesn't
help that asking for what it isthat you need in relationship,
it only led to rejection orpunishment, so you stopped
trying.
(16:21):
And instead you internalized thebelief that you're powerless in
this situation.
So you might recognize this rolecoming up for you if you've ever
said, well, it doesn't matterwhat I do, nothing ever changes.
Other people always seem to havethe upper hand.
I guess this is just how it'sgoing to be.
So what's the point of eventrying anymore?
This seems to be working forthem, but it really isn't
(16:43):
working for me.
People in this role often feelinvisible, unheard, and
completely depleted.
They may avoid settingboundaries or making requests
because deep down they'veconvinced themselves that it's
not even worth it, and that'sthe heartbreak of this role, it
keeps you small in an effort tostay safe.
When you live in the victim rolefor too long, your sense of
(17:04):
agency slowly erodes.
You start believing that youdon't have a choice in the
matter, that nothing that you domatters, and that's really a
painful and lonely place tolive.
And the real tragedy is thatit's not laziness or weakness
that keeps people stuck here.
But it's grief.
It's grief over not feelingheard over not having the
(17:25):
support that you deserved overhaving your voice ignored for so
long that it has started to feeluseless to use it.
But here's the truth.
If you're listening to thispodcast, there is still a voice
inside of you that believes thatsomething else is possible, that
believes that healing isavailable, that believes that
(17:46):
you do have power, even if it'sbeen buried.
So the antidote to the victim,it isn't pretending that
everything is fine, right?
That's that toxic positivity,but instead it is stepping into
the identity of the hero.
The hero doesn't wait to berescued.
The hero recognizes that theyare the one that they themselves
have been waiting for.
(18:06):
It's being proactive.
So the hero says, I am settingboundaries to keep myself safe.
I am allowed to take up spaceand to speak my truth.
I may not control everything,but I can choose how I respond
to the situation.
This isn't about becoming hyperindependent or emotionless.
(18:26):
The hero feels deeply, and thehero also chooses to take action
anyway.
They own their story, even thehard parts, they advocate for
themselves.
They speak up even when theirvoice shakes.
And what's really interesting isoftentimes in stories, the hero
doesn't know that they're ahero.
We know that as we're readingthe story, we know that as we're
(18:48):
watching the movie, we know whothe hero is.
But in the beginning.
The hero doesn't know.
The hero is feeling insecure.
They're feeling uncertain, butthey keep moving forward because
they know what's right, andthat's where the real hero
energy lies.
So let's say that you're in arelationship where your feelings
(19:09):
are constantly being dismissed.
The victim identity might say"they're never gonna change, and
I don't know what to do," right?
I don't know.
Is.
A very common thought that comesup for victims.
They don't know a way out.
They don't know how to changethings.
They don't know if things areever going to change.
They're really stuck and I don'tknow.
But the hero identity insteadsays even if they don't change,
(19:32):
I can change.
I can choose to express what itis that I need.
I can choose to walk away if I'mnot being respected.
Another example is maybe you'restuck in a job that drains you.
The victim energy might say, I'mstuck.
I don't have any options.
I'm just gonna work this awfuljob for the rest of my life.
Whereas the hero energy says,yes, change is hard and I'm
(19:55):
going to start making a plan.
I deserve to be in a place thatvalues me.
Victim energy may even try toplacate and people please their
way out of a situation, whichironically can lead to even more
victimization.
For example, the victim might bethinking, well, maybe if I do
this for them, then they'llstart to treat me better.
But hero energy acknowledgesthat I have been showing up
(20:17):
consistently in the best waythat I've known how, and I get
to choose what it is that I needto keep myself safe moving
forward.
Moving forward, I can choose tospend more time with people that
help me feel good about myselfrather than those who always
leave me begging for scraps.
You might feel resistance tothese changes at first because
the victim identity can feel sofamiliar, right?
(20:39):
With all of these identitieswhen you've been there for long
enough, it feels very familiar,and the brain associates
familiarity with safety.
So check in with how you feel.
Are you happy?
Do you have moments of joy?
Do you want things to change?
Do you find yourself constantlywondering and looking for like
an exit strategy, right?
How can I get outta thesituation?
(20:59):
If so, try shifting thatidentity, the victim identity,
it can feel safer to stay in thestory of, well, this always
happens to me, that can feelsafer than risking disappointing
yourself or disappointing othersby changing the status quo.
But remember that the herodoesn't wait until they feel
completely ready.
They don't wait until they havea full army on their side or
(21:20):
until everything is perfect andeverything is all lined up, so
there's gonna be zerodiscomfort.
The hero moves forward even whenthey're scared.
The hero moves forward even whenit's messy, and they move
forward through all of thatbecause they're prioritizing
bravery over fear.
Bravery is simply leaning intothe unknown, so be brave enough
(21:41):
to make those shifts.
Heroes know that speaking up mayruffle feathers.
That claiming space might makeother people uncomfortable, but
they also know that lastingpeace only comes when you stop
abandoning yourself to keep thepeace.
You are not powerless, and younever were powerless.
You were just surviving.
And now you're ready to leadyourself somewhere new.
(22:04):
You were meant to reclaim youragency, your voice, and your
truth.
So here's your challenge forthis week, is acknowledge what
role it is that you have beenplaying in your life, and then
think about what role you'd liketo play instead.
Life is a choose your ownadventure book.
Okay?
So look at what it is thatyou're currently living.
So if your life was a book rightnow, what character would you be
(22:25):
playing?
And then play around withdifferent characters and see how
they feel.
You are on your own hero'sjourney and often the hero isn't
born until they facedsignificant hardship.
So even if you are strugglingright now, be willing to take a
step into that new role.
You are on your own hero'sjourney.
And if you need to kind of lookaround at books and movies and
(22:46):
identify the characters and thedifferent roles that they play,
identify how it is that they'reshowing up, and then try on a
few of those roles.
So maybe you're shifting intoone of the roles that we're
trying today, or maybe you'remaking shifts in other ways.
So maybe you're shifting frombeing the quiet and shy kid to
becoming the confident speaker.
Maybe you're shifting from thedamsel and distress to the
empowered empress.
Maybe you're shifting from theunderstudy to the main character
(23:10):
in your life.
I have an archetype deck that Ipull out from time to time just
to look at different roles andto kind of see what might be fun
to kind of feel into that day,to kind of just experiment with
the different energies that I amcurrently playing and also.
Like what might happen if Ishifted into other energies for
a season?
So pick one archetype.
Maybe it's the explorer, thesage, the artist, the mentor,
(23:32):
the lover, the advocate.
But choose one role and reallylive into it for a week and see
how it is that you feel.
And I get it that it can feelfunny sometimes stepping into a
role that's so different fromthe one that you've been
playing.
But I want you to think of it asjust trying on a new style of
clothing.
It might feel a little bitawkward at first as you're
trying on something new, butmaybe there are cuts and colors
(23:54):
that would just feel a littlebit better for you and fit
better the person who you wantto become.
So play around with it and seehow it feels.
Maybe spend one week acting as adifferent character in your life
and just see which characterfeels the most natural for you.
Which one feels the mostempowering for you,
additionally, once you'veidentified what role you wanna
step into, I want you to do onesmall thing each day as your new
(24:18):
identity.
So speak up, let go.
Stay curious.
Say no.
Whatever it is that that personwould do, do it.
Do it at least once per day fora week.
And just see how it feels.
Notice how your body responds,how your nervous system feels.
You may feel resistance atfirst, and that's okay because
growth always comes with alittle bit of discomfort.
(24:39):
So if this episode stirredsomething in you and you're
ready for support in shiftingyour identity and regulating
your nervous system, I wouldlove to work with you.
I offer one-on-one coachingspecifically for the empaths and
the highly sensitive peoplenavigating these exact shifts.
You do not have to make theseshifts alone.
We can do it together.
You can email me atmaryann@maryannwalker.life.
(24:59):
You can come to my website,www.maryannwalker.life, or you
can find me on social mediawhere my handle is.
You guessed it.
@maryannwalker.life.
So come and find me and let'sexplore this together.
I.
And hey, before you go, will youplease make sure that you are
subscribed here to the podcastso that you don't miss any
upcoming episodes?
We're gonna be talking abouthealing, identity work,
(25:20):
emotional processing, and livinglife from your truth, not your
trauma.
So thank you so much for beinghere.
I do see your growth, yourcourage, and your heart.
So keep going and let's talksoon.
All right, have a great week,and I'll see you next time.
Bye now.
I saw this quote online and itreally hit me.
It said,"identities like thefixer, the controller, or the
victim that have helped us tosurvive cannot be the same
identities that will drivehealing.
For our nervous system to feelsafer, new identities rooted
more in truth than in woundsmust emerge." That was from
Awaken with Allie on Instagram,and this hit me so hard that
(00:24):
today I wanted to kind ofexplore this a little bit more
about how the identities thathave helped us to survive, then
they cannot be the same onesthat are going to drive our
healing and help us to step intosomething new.
So as you listen to today'sepisode, I want you to reflect
on the roles that you may havebeen playing in this life.
Roles like the fixer, thecontroller, or the victim.
(00:44):
Those roles were likely bornfrom a need to feel safe,
accepted, and in control inenvironments where you didn't
feel safe and secure, but nowyou're allowed to want more than
survival.
You're allowed to wantwholeness.
So today we're going to bebreaking down these three roles
to kind of help us to better seewhy it is that we chose to take
(01:05):
on that role, because we didchoose it, even if it was
subconsciously.
What's the impact of remainingin this role, and what role
might I choose to consciouslystep into instead?
So first let's talk about thefixer.
The fixer is the person whofeels personally responsible for
holding everything and everyone.
And this identity often formsearly in life, especially in
(01:27):
families where love may be feltconditional.
So you might have learned overtime that being helpful or
soothing others when they'reupset and managing their
emotions or solving problemsthat maybe that is what earned
you attention, affection, oreven just a moment of peace if
you grew up in a home of chaos.
The fixer believes"if I don'thandle it, who will?" Or they
(01:48):
might also believe,"I can'trelax until everybody else is
okay.
"Right?
They're constantly walking oneggshells, and that's one of the
reasons why they're fixingthings, is because they
themselves feel so anxious.
So if you are the go-to personfor every last minute request,
if you're always the one whosmooths things over, if you're
always the one that is first toapologize, if you find yourself
(02:10):
constantly cleaning up messesthat aren't yours, then you
might be showing up in life as afixer.
Many people pleasers live inthis fixer role.
And while this role can make youfeel really needed, it also can
become a very heavy burdenbecause, let's be honest, it is
absolutely exhausting trying tokeep everything running
smoothly.
Fixers often carry the weight ofeveryone else's emotions,
(02:33):
everyone else'sresponsibilities, and everyone
else's mistakes, whether they'reasked to do it or not.
And if I'm being honest withyou, one of the most common
things that I hear from thosethat identify as the fixer is I
just feel so unappreciated.
I feel so unseen.
And it's really frustratingbecause they really feel like
all of their efforts to makeeverything okay are going
(02:55):
unnoticed.
And probably because at thispoint it's become expected.
You've become the one who alwaysfigures it out, the one who
always picks up the slack, theone who always holds the
emotional load for everyone.
And over time, then that becomesa quiet kind of resentment.
It can also be really deeplylonely in this role.
Fixers don't always feel safeasking for help because they've
(03:18):
been cast as the one who has itall together.
They're tired.
But admitting that feels like afailure because of everybody
else's expectations that theyhave chosen to adopt.
And another interesting andnoteworthy thing about this
fixer role is that oftentimesbecause they're constantly
fixing things for other people,even when they didn't ask for
it, then this can actually robthe other person of experiencing
(03:40):
personal growth by learningthrough the struggle, by
learning how to fix their ownproblems.
So you might be trying to help,but it might also be
unintentionally sending themessage that, Hey, I don't trust
you to handle this on your own,so I better handle it.
So it creates this imbalance.
A lot of fixers experience,significant amounts of imbalance
in relationship, and that may beone reason why.
(04:03):
So if any of this resonates withyou, I want you to hear this
clearly that fixing was how youcoped.
It was how you tried to earnlove, create safety, or reduce
chaos.
And it made sense then, but itmight not be serving you now.
And the good news is that thereare healthier, more sustainable
ways to move forward from this.
(04:25):
One where you can still caredeeply without sacrificing
yourself just to hold everybodyelse together.
And this is creating that shiftfrom the fixer to the
accountability coach.
This identity, it still caresvery deeply, but it respects
boundaries, both yours andtheirs.
The accountability coach doesn'tswoop into the rescue, but
(04:45):
instead they believe in thegrowth and resilience of others.
They trust that people arecapable of learning through
their own personal experiences,even if it's uncomfortable.
In fact, especially if it'suncomfortable.
So shifting into this role mightsound like,"I trust that they
will learn and grow in their owntime.""I care enough about them
(05:07):
to let them face theconsequences of their choices."
"I didn't create this mess, soit is not mine to clean up." So
let's kind of look at anexample.
This one's an example for mypersonal life.
For a long time I was the fixerin my family.
This meant that as a parent, ifmy children forgot something,
this might be a sack lunch, ortheir laptop, or their
(05:29):
assignment that was due thatday, or maybe even their
instrument for band.
It didn't matter what it was, Iwould be showing up at the
school and bringing it to themto fix everything, to ultimately
prevent them from experiencing anegative emotion.
However, the lesson that my kidswere actually learning through
this was,"I don't have to worryabout it.
I don't even have to think aboutit.
If I forget something, mom willfix it." But they were not
(05:52):
learning responsibility and theywere not learning
accountability.
And when I started to noticethat it was actually happening
more frequently and not lessfrequently, that they were
forgetting things, I knew thatsomething needed to change.
I needed to step into thataccountability coach energy,
right?
So what I told them instead was,Hey, I'm gonna give you two
times throughout the entireschool year where I will bring
(06:12):
something you've forgotten.
So this means that there will betwo times where I will bring you
your lunch, or I will bring youyour flute if you've forgotten
or bring you that assignment.
But after that, you're gonna bea little bit uncomfortable,
because I'm not gonna be able tobring it to you.
And that's not me being ahurtful parent, but it's me
teaching them accountabilitythat, yeah, it's pretty
uncomfortable for my daughter,for example, to sit and play a
(06:35):
pretend air flute when she'sforgotten something, when she's
showing up at band.
But also that discomfort is anamazing teacher.
And once I started doing that,my kids were forgetting things
less and less, and soon I nevereven had to worry about it.
I didn't even have to bringthings twice.
I just knew that they'd figureit out and it would be okay.
It would be off of my shoulders,and it actually benefited both
(06:56):
of us for me to step into thataccountability coach energy and
step out of that fixer energy,So what does this look like for
you?
Maybe a friend constantlyovershares and emotionally dumps
on you and really is expectingyou to always fix what's going
wrong.
In their life, the fixer part ofyou might wanna jump in and say,
oh, I know exactly how youshould handle this Here, hand me
(07:17):
your phone.
I'll draft the text.
Right?
We'd be stepping in and doing itfor them.
But the accountability coach, itshows up a bit differently.
The accountability coach mightinstead create some
self-reflection for this friendasking, well, that really sounds
hard.
How are you thinking aboutnavigating that?
What are you gonna do?
It's creating an environmentwhere they're now
self-reflecting so that they canlearn how to solve their own
(07:40):
problems.
The accountability coach, theydon't stop caring, but they do
stop over-functioning.
And I'm going to say that againbecause it's a big deal.
The accountability coach doesn'tstop caring, but they do stop
over functioning.
They stop stepping in when it'snot their role.
And in doing so, they createspace for others to grow and
(08:01):
they create space to allowthemselves to rest.
And yeah, this shift does takecourage and it might feel like
you're abandoning people atfirst, but in reality, you are
modeling what healthy supportactually looks like.
You're no longer trying to earnlove by fixing everything, but
instead you are choosing to loveyourself and them enough to step
(08:24):
back and allow them space tostep up.
All right.
Let's talk about the secondrole, the controller.
This identity is often born fromchaos, so maybe growing up
things were really unpredictablefor you or maybe even felt
unsafe for you in the home.
You never knew what version ofsomeone would be walking through
the door at the end of the dayor when the next emotional
(08:45):
explosion would happen.
So you adapted.
You learned to manage what youcould, so you learned to manage
your space, your schedule, andother people's reactions.
Now, notice that last one,because I know a lot of you are
saying, well, I can tune outthis one because I'm not
controlling.
I'm a nice person.
I'm not controlling.
But this one might be a littlebit more subtle than you think.
(09:07):
So this one might look likejumping up off of the couch as
soon as your partner's cominghome in an attempt to control
their perception of what it isthat you've been doing all day.
It might look like taking on thelion's share of the load due to
the belief that other peoplearen't going to do it right, so
you never let them try.
It might look like attempting tocontrol other people's emotional
reactions to things by trying tofix things or coerce them out of
(09:31):
their emotion.
So it may not appear verycontrolling on the surface, but
the controlling is definitelythere.
It might also look like"knowing"what's best for somebody else
and attempting to control theirdiet, their behaviors, or their
habits.
I.
It comes from a loving place,but it can quickly feel like
overstepping, which oftentimescreates defensiveness rather
(09:54):
than that care and connectionthat you're hoping it will
create in relationship.
And eventually control maybecome part of your armor.
It gives you a sense of safety,but that sense of safety comes
at a cost.
So you might recognize thecontroller.
If you've ever said things like,why can't they just do it the
right way?
Don't they know that I knowwhat's best for them?
(10:17):
If I don't oversee everything,it's going to fall apart, or
even I can't relax unless I'm incharge, so that I know that it's
getting done right.
The controller often carries alot of hidden anxiety.
There's a little bit of bracingthat's happening underneath the
surface, so they're essentiallyalways anticipating what might
go wrong and then trying to headit off before it does go wrong,
(10:39):
and that's exhausting.
And when things don't go asplanned, it can feel like your
entire nervous system is anoverdrive.
And what's even harder is thatcontrol tends to push people
away.
So you may genuinely want tohave connection, collaboration,
or closeness, but your need tomanage or micromanage how other
people are showing up can makethem feel suffocated or
(11:01):
resistant to having moreintimate connection with you,
which only reinforces the beliefthat, well, if I don't do it
myself, it won't get done.
Right.
And then that rigidity, it canleave you feeling isolated.
Resentful and exhausted fromhaving to carry the mental and
emotional weight of everyoneelse's actions.
You might appear to have italtogether on the outside,
(11:22):
right?
That's what control wants us tobelieve is, I have it
altogether, it's gonna be justfine.
But inside you're constantly onedge waiting for the next thing
to go wrong.
Control at its root is fear indisguise.
It is a fear of being hurt.
It's a fear of beingdisappointed.
It's a fear that if you loosenyour grip, even the tiniest bit,
everything will fall apart.
(11:45):
And yet maybe part of you knowsthat it is time to loosen that
grip, even if it feels reallyscary.
So let's talk about how to shiftthat controller energy and the
antidote for controller energyis the curious collaborator, The
identity of the curiouscollaborator is still
thoughtful, intentional, andwell grounded, but it also
(12:06):
brings a sense of openness tothe relationship, a willingness
to see what's possible once yourelease the need to control
everything and invite in thatcuriosity instead.
The curious collaborator doesn'tassume that their way is the
only way or the only"right" way.
But instead then they ask, Hey,how might this play out?
(12:27):
Is there some middle ground thatwe could find here?
What could I learn from thisperson or this situation?
And what feedback might theyhave around this as well?
What might they be seeing thatI'm not seeing?
It brings in that curiositypiece.
This role is less about controland more about connection.
It honors your voice withoutneeding to be the dominant voice
(12:50):
in the room.
It also allows you to beflexible, creative, and open to
the unexpected, even when it'suncomfortable.
So let's say for example, thatyou're planning a family
vacation.
The controller in you wants tocreate the entire itinerary.
It wants to decide where to eat,what to do, how long you stay.
It has a lot of big ideas andreally thinks that it's right
(13:11):
and everything that yes, this isthe way to vacation, and you
also might be thinking, well, ifI don't plan it, it's just gonna
be chaotic, so I need to makethis plan and enforce the plan
so everybody will have a goodtime.
But the curious collaboratormight instead pause and say,
Hey, I wonder what's importantto everyone on this trip.
(13:33):
What would make it moremeaningful to you?
What does the right balance ofplanned and unplanned activities
look like for you?
It's inviting in the otherpeople into the conversation.
And then here's the hard part.
You actually let the otherpeople contribute, even if it's
not the way that you would doit.
And this doesn't mean that youhave to roll over and do
(13:53):
everything the way that theywould.
Right.
That's just shifting the controlwhere now you are a hundred
percent in control to now you'reputting them a hundred percent
in control.
It's not that, but it's insteadthat collaborative curiosity.
And it's also being okay if theydecide they wanna do something,
it's being okay with, okay, andI'm going to let myself go do
this other thing at the sametime, if we have different paces
(14:15):
when it comes to the number ofactivities, be okay with doing
some things on your own and letthem find the rest that they
need, it's going to createsignificantly more connection in
relationship.
A controller in relationshipmight be saying things like,
well, this is the way that wealways do things.
Or they might say somethinglike, well, no, this is how
we're supposed to divide up ourhome duties.
(14:36):
Or they might say, this is theway that we're supposed to or
not supposed to use our money.
You are doing it wrong.
Right.
It makes it about who is rightinstead of what is right, but
the curious collaborator, on theother hand, they're going to ask
and not tell.
Okay?
So for example, they might ask,Hey, what feels most supportive
for you in this moment?
(14:57):
Or they might say, I wonder ifthere's a way that we can
approach this together.
What might it look like for usto collaborate together on this?
Or what do you think a fairdivision of labor might look
like?
What are your financial goals?
It's opening it up to discussionrather than having it be a
lecture.
And this shift, it doesn't meanthat you're letting go of your
standards or that you'reabandoning structure altogether,
(15:17):
but it does mean that you stopassuming that you are the only
one that knows best.
It means that you'll lean intotrust instead of clinging to
control.
And yeah, it does require asignificant amount of
vulnerability.
Yes, it may feel messy at firstand really uncomfortable, but
that vulnerability is also wherethe deeper connection lives in
(15:38):
relationship.
It's where collaboration grows.
It's where you stop trying tomanage life like a machine and
instead start engaging with lifelike it's an adventure.
And as you step into this roleof the curious collaborator, you
might actually find that you'remore on the same page than you
think.
All right, so now let's talkabout the third role, the
victim.
This identity can be the hardestone to admit to because it's not
(16:00):
about weakness, but it's moreabout wounding.\ And it often
develops when somebody's needs,were consistently dismissed
invalidated or ignored.
So over time, you may have evenlearned that speaking up doesn't
help that asking for what it isthat you need in relationship,
it only led to rejection orpunishment, so you stopped
trying.
(16:21):
And instead you internalized thebelief that you're powerless in
this situation.
So you might recognize this rolecoming up for you if you've ever
said, well, it doesn't matterwhat I do, nothing ever changes.
Other people always seem to havethe upper hand.
I guess this is just how it'sgoing to be.
So what's the point of eventrying anymore?
This seems to be working forthem, but it really isn't
(16:43):
working for me.
People in this role often feelinvisible, unheard, and
completely depleted.
They may avoid settingboundaries or making requests
because deep down they'veconvinced themselves that it's
not even worth it, and that'sthe heartbreak of this role, it
keeps you small in an effort tostay safe.
When you live in the victim rolefor too long, your sense of
(17:04):
agency slowly erodes.
You start believing that youdon't have a choice in the
matter, that nothing that you domatters, and that's really a
painful and lonely place tolive.
And the real tragedy is thatit's not laziness or weakness
that keeps people stuck here.
But it's grief.
It's grief over not feelingheard over not having the
(17:25):
support that you deserved overhaving your voice ignored for so
long that it has started to feeluseless to use it.
But here's the truth.
If you're listening to thispodcast, there is still a voice
inside of you that believes thatsomething else is possible, that
believes that healing isavailable, that believes that
(17:46):
you do have power, even if it'sbeen buried.
So the antidote to the victim,it isn't pretending that
everything is fine, right?
That's that toxic positivity,but instead it is stepping into
the identity of the hero.
The hero doesn't wait to berescued.
The hero recognizes that theyare the one that they themselves
have been waiting for.
(18:06):
It's being proactive.
So the hero says, I am settingboundaries to keep myself safe.
I am allowed to take up spaceand to speak my truth.
I may not control everything,but I can choose how I respond
to the situation.
This isn't about becoming hyperindependent or emotionless.
(18:26):
The hero feels deeply, and thehero also chooses to take action
anyway.
They own their story, even thehard parts, they advocate for
themselves.
They speak up even when theirvoice shakes.
And what's really interesting isoftentimes in stories, the hero
doesn't know that they're ahero.
We know that as we're readingthe story, we know that as we're
(18:48):
watching the movie, we know whothe hero is.
But in the beginning.
The hero doesn't know.
The hero is feeling insecure.
They're feeling uncertain, butthey keep moving forward because
they know what's right, andthat's where the real hero
energy lies.
So let's say that you're in arelationship where your feelings
(19:09):
are constantly being dismissed.
The victim identity might say"they're never gonna change, and
I don't know what to do," right?
I don't know.
Is.
A very common thought that comesup for victims.
They don't know a way out.
They don't know how to changethings.
They don't know if things areever going to change.
They're really stuck and I don'tknow.
But the hero identity insteadsays even if they don't change,
(19:32):
I can change.
I can choose to express what itis that I need.
I can choose to walk away if I'mnot being respected.
Another example is maybe you'restuck in a job that drains you.
The victim energy might say, I'mstuck.
I don't have any options.
I'm just gonna work this awfuljob for the rest of my life.
Whereas the hero energy says,yes, change is hard and I'm
(19:55):
going to start making a plan.
I deserve to be in a place thatvalues me.
Victim energy may even try toplacate and people please their
way out of a situation, whichironically can lead to even more
victimization.
For example, the victim might bethinking, well, maybe if I do
this for them, then they'llstart to treat me better.
But hero energy acknowledgesthat I have been showing up
(20:17):
consistently in the best waythat I've known how, and I get
to choose what it is that I needto keep myself safe moving
forward.
Moving forward, I can choose tospend more time with people that
help me feel good about myselfrather than those who always
leave me begging for scraps.
You might feel resistance tothese changes at first because
the victim identity can feel sofamiliar, right?
(20:39):
With all of these identitieswhen you've been there for long
enough, it feels very familiar,and the brain associates
familiarity with safety.
So check in with how you feel.
Are you happy?
Do you have moments of joy?
Do you want things to change?
Do you find yourself constantlywondering and looking for like
an exit strategy, right?
How can I get outta thesituation?
(20:59):
If so, try shifting thatidentity, the victim identity,
it can feel safer to stay in thestory of, well, this always
happens to me, that can feelsafer than risking disappointing
yourself or disappointing othersby changing the status quo.
But remember that the herodoesn't wait until they feel
completely ready.
They don't wait until they havea full army on their side or
(21:20):
until everything is perfect andeverything is all lined up, so
there's gonna be zerodiscomfort.
The hero moves forward even whenthey're scared.
The hero moves forward even whenit's messy, and they move
forward through all of thatbecause they're prioritizing
bravery over fear.
Bravery is simply leaning intothe unknown, so be brave enough
(21:41):
to make those shifts.
Heroes know that speaking up mayruffle feathers.
That claiming space might makeother people uncomfortable, but
they also know that lastingpeace only comes when you stop
abandoning yourself to keep thepeace.
You are not powerless, and younever were powerless.
You were just surviving.
And now you're ready to leadyourself somewhere new.
(22:04):
You were meant to reclaim youragency, your voice, and your
truth.
So here's your challenge forthis week, is acknowledge what
role it is that you have beenplaying in your life, and then
think about what role you'd liketo play instead.
Life is a choose your ownadventure book.
Okay?
So look at what it is thatyou're currently living.
So if your life was a book rightnow, what character would you be
(22:25):
playing?
And then play around withdifferent characters and see how
they feel.
You are on your own hero'sjourney and often the hero isn't
born until they facedsignificant hardship.
So even if you are strugglingright now, be willing to take a
step into that new role.
You are on your own hero'sjourney.
And if you need to kind of lookaround at books and movies and
(22:46):
identify the characters and thedifferent roles that they play,
identify how it is that they'reshowing up, and then try on a
few of those roles.
So maybe you're shifting intoone of the roles that we're
trying today, or maybe you'remaking shifts in other ways.
So maybe you're shifting frombeing the quiet and shy kid to
becoming the confident speaker.
Maybe you're shifting from thedamsel and distress to the
empowered empress.
Maybe you're shifting from theunderstudy to the main character
(23:10):
in your life.
I have an archetype deck that Ipull out from time to time just
to look at different roles andto kind of see what might be fun
to kind of feel into that day,to kind of just experiment with
the different energies that I amcurrently playing and also.
Like what might happen if Ishifted into other energies for
a season?
So pick one archetype.
Maybe it's the explorer, thesage, the artist, the mentor,
(23:32):
the lover, the advocate.
But choose one role and reallylive into it for a week and see
how it is that you feel.
And I get it that it can feelfunny sometimes stepping into a
role that's so different fromthe one that you've been
playing.
But I want you to think of it asjust trying on a new style of
clothing.
It might feel a little bitawkward at first as you're
trying on something new, butmaybe there are cuts and colors
(23:54):
that would just feel a littlebit better for you and fit
better the person who you wantto become.
So play around with it and seehow it feels.
Maybe spend one week acting as adifferent character in your life
and just see which characterfeels the most natural for you.
Which one feels the mostempowering for you,
additionally, once you'veidentified what role you wanna
step into, I want you to do onesmall thing each day as your new
(24:18):
identity.
So speak up, let go.
Stay curious.
Say no.
Whatever it is that that personwould do, do it.
Do it at least once per day fora week.
And just see how it feels.
Notice how your body responds,how your nervous system feels.
You may feel resistance atfirst, and that's okay because
growth always comes with alittle bit of discomfort.
(24:39):
So if this episode stirredsomething in you and you're
ready for support in shiftingyour identity and regulating
your nervous system, I wouldlove to work with you.
I offer one-on-one coachingspecifically for the empaths and
the highly sensitive peoplenavigating these exact shifts.
You do not have to make theseshifts alone.
We can do it together.
You can email me atmaryann@maryannwalker.life.
(24:59):
You can come to my website,www.maryannwalker.life, or you
can find me on social mediawhere my handle is.
You guessed it.
@maryannwalker.life.
So come and find me and let'sexplore this together.
I.
And hey, before you go, will youplease make sure that you are
subscribed here to the podcastso that you don't miss any
upcoming episodes?
We're gonna be talking abouthealing, identity work,
(25:20):
emotional processing, and livinglife from your truth, not your
trauma.
So thank you so much for beinghere.
I do see your growth, yourcourage, and your heart.
So keep going and let's talksoon.
All right, have a great week,and I'll see you next time.
Bye now.
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