June 26, 2025 • 18 mins
If you’ve ever said “I’m fine” when you weren’t…
If you’ve said “yes” when you wanted to scream “no”…
If you’ve silently hoped someone would just know what you need…
This episode is for you.
We’ll explore how not speaking your truth leads to resentment, burnout, and disconnection—and how reclaiming your voice can create deeper trust not only in your relationships, but also within yourself.
This conversation builds on Episode 160, where we talked about how staying silent can be the most dishonest thing we do. If you haven’t listened to that yet, I’ll link it below!
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
- Why being “nice” at the expense of honesty leads to quiet resentment
- How saying “yes” when you mean “no” creates confusion and burnout
- The hidden cost of volunteering your energy to avoid discomfort
- What unspoken expectations and silent contracts really do to relationships
- How to begin shifting from performing to being authentic
- Why practicing honest communication builds trust and emotional safety
- The powerful shift that comes when you stop trying to be intuitively understood and start clearly expressing your needs
Challenge for the Week
Notice when your words and your energy don’t match.
Ask yourself: Am I saying what I really mean? Or am I saying what I think they want to hear?
Then practice one small moment of honest expression this week—without apology.
Work With Me
Feeling seen by this episode? Ready to stop people-pleasing and start living more honestly, grounded in who you actually are—not who you think others expect you to be? I’m now offering six-week coaching packages for empaths, HSPs, and recovering people-pleasers like you.
I also have a beta group coaching program opening soon! This small group experience will help you manage your energy, set healthier boundaries, and reconnect with your intuition. Space will be very limited—just 15 to 20 spots. If you’re interested, join the waitlist here.
Don’t Forget to Subscribe
Make sure you’re following the show so you don’t miss future episodes filled with support, tools, and real-talk for empaths and sensitive souls. And if you loved this episode, please take a moment to share it with a friend or leave a review—it helps others find the show!
Links Mentioned in This Episode
- Episode 160 – When Silence Is the Most Dishonest Thing You Can Do
- Links Mentioned in This Episode:
- 🔗 Join the Waitlist for my Empowered Empath Course here: https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/93175104be
- Looking for more ways to engage? Come find me on my other platforms!
Contact me: https://maryannwalker.life/contact-me
Follow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/maryannwalker.life/
Follow on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/maryannwalker.life
Follow on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@maryannwalker.life
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker andI'm the life coach for the
helpers, the healers, and thepeople pleasers.
And today I wanna talk with youabout something that I know you
have all heard before, but ifyou're anything like me, it's
something that I was onlyimplementing part time.
But once I did startimplementing this on a regular
basis, then my relationships, myanxiety levels, and honestly my
(00:23):
whole life began to change.
And that one thing is this: learning to say what you mean. (00:25):
undefined
And mean what you say.
This episode is kind of buildingon something that I shared in
episode 160 where we exploredhow remaining silent is often
the most dishonest thing thatyou can do.
So if you haven't listened tothat one yet, then I'll link
that in the show notes.
But today I want to kind of takethat idea even deeper as a
(00:46):
recovering people pleaser.
I used to think that being nicewas more important than being
honest about how I was feeling.
Essentially, I believed thatsaying no was rude and being
rude was the worst thing ever.
So I would say yes when I wantedto say no, and then I would be
upset when people took me up onmy yes.
(01:09):
So if you're listening here onthe podcast, I am sure that this
has happened to you too.
For example, I had one clientwho they had been asked to speak
and they said immediately, ohyeah, absolutely, I can do that.
But then they really thoughtabout it and inside then they
really didn't wanna do thespeaking engagement.
They thought, well, yeah, I'dlove to do that, but it's
terrible timing.
(01:30):
I don't have adequate time toprepare.
I'm going to be exhaustedbecause that's gonna be back to
back from this other event thatI'm doing, and I'm still
recovering from that nasty bug.
And so on the outside then theywere saying yes, but inside they
were feeling resentful.
Resentful of the timing,resentful of the mental and
physical toll that this would betaking on them, thinking that,
(01:50):
well, I should be getting moreappreciation, more recognition,
more compensation for doing thisthing because of the huge toll
that this is taking on me.
On the outside and they weresaying, yeah, I can do that, no
problem.
But on the inside they werereally struggling.
For this client, even though intheir head they were making it a
(02:10):
problem, that they were asked todo this thing that wasn't
actually the problem.
Them being asked to do thespeaking engagement during a bad
time for them was not theproblem.
The real problem was that theirwords and their actions didn't
match up.
They were sending mixedmessaging out into the universe.
Now, let me share a few moreexamples that might be a little
(02:31):
bit more applicable to youspecifically.
For example, maybe you're saying"I'm fine" when really you're
feeling overwhelmed, hurt, orupset, but you are saying,"I'm
fine" in order to avoid feelinglike a burden.
Or maybe you're saying, oh yeah,sure, I can do that, when really
what you're thinking is, but I'malways the room mom and I always
(02:53):
take on the lion's share of thework for these kind of events.
I think it's somebody else'sturn, but instead of declining
and allowing somebody else tostep in.
And take the lead.
Then you might find that you'rebiting off more than you can
chew, and then you're feelingreally upset about it later.
Or maybe you're somebody whopretends to agree with other
people in order to avoidconflict.
So on the outside you're saying,oh, I totally feel the same way,
(03:15):
and I can absolutely see whereyou're coming from, but inside
you really have no idea how theycame to that conclusion.
You absolutely disagree withthem, and you're wondering if
you're actually compatible withthis person at all.
or maybe your partner is saying,oh, hey, do you wanna go out
with this couple this weekend?
And on the outside you'resaying,"oh yeah, sure, I would
love to go out" because that'sthe nice thing to do, right?
(03:38):
Being rude is the worst thingever.
But deep down, what you reallywant is a quiet weekend.
We can just unwind and catchyour breath and you know that
going out with that couple inparticular is going to keep you
feeling on edge and like youcan't actually be yourself.
Now, each of these are examplesof when you do not mean what you
say, and you do not say what youmean.
(03:59):
These are examples of when yourwords and your actions don't
match up.
These are examples of whenyou're actually out of integrity
with yourself, and these are allexamples of seemingly innocent
comments that can ultimatelylead to anger, resentment, and
even distrust in relationship.
We do not feel good inside whenwe're doing this.
(04:21):
And we know we're not gonna feelgood inside when we do this, so
why do we do it?
One potential reason is thatdeep down we have that belief
that,"well, if I can just makeeverybody else happy, then I'll
feel safe, then I'll feelsecure, then I'll feel
connected, then I'll feeladored." But in reality, being
"nice" and saying the"right"thing instead of actually how we
(04:41):
really feel, then it often leadsto misunderstandings,
disappointment, and resentment,which are some of the most
corrosive things that you canbring into your relationships.
When I was first introduced tocoaching as a recovering people
pleaser, I started to see that Ihad a lot of quiet tension in
all of my relationships.
(05:02):
Now, I want you to think of thisas silent, but deadly.
That's how I was feeling.
On the outside, other peoplecouldn't see it, but inside I
was really worked up All thetime, I was experiencing just
this subtle hum of contention inmy relationships, but because
the subtle hum had become mybaseline emotionally, it was
(05:22):
really hard for me to see thatall of this was self-created and
even see the anxiety that I wasfeeling until it was pointed out
to me by my coach.
And that's when I started torealize how many things I was
doing that I really didn't wantto do.
And this wasn't just for thethings that I was explicitly
asked to do, but also for thethings that nobody asked me to
(05:44):
do.
I was essentially justvolunteering for things,
thinking that if I could justanticipate everybody else's
wants, needs, and desires, thensoon they would start to
anticipate my wants, needs, anddesires, and they would actually
be met.
It was about this time that afriend of mine pointed out to me
that unspoken expectations arepremeditated resentments.
(06:06):
Wow.
Was that the truth?
Because I wasn't speaking myexpectations out loud, my
expectations for appreciation,reciprocation, consideration, my
unspoken expectations werealmost always leading to
resentment.
And that was so damaging for notonly my personal mental health,
but also my relationships.
(06:28):
The unspoken part of the silentcontracts that I had with my
friends and family was, if I dothis for you, then you will do
this for me.
But they weren't aware that theyhad entered into this contract,
they had no idea.
So I would say,'oh yeah, ofcourse.
That's no big deal.
I'm happy to help," even when Iwas feeling really exhausted and
spread so thin that I couldbarely fulfill my own needs.
(06:51):
And guess what?
Because I had trained people toexpect that kind of a response
from me.
They actually believed me when Isaid that everything was fine
and I was happy to do it.
In fact, they thought,"oh, butshe really enjoys doing these
kinds of things for me.
In fact, I am doing her a favorby allowing her to do this thing
for me.
I didn't ask her to do this.
(07:12):
She volunteered to do this," andthat only made the imbalance in
relationship even worse.
In their mind, then letting medo this thing that I volunteered
to do, then that would be rewardenough for me.
They thought that that's what Iwanted to do, right?
But for me, I needed more thanthat.
I wanted to have my kind actsreciprocated.
(07:34):
I wanted to be able to restthoroughly.
I wanted a token of appreciationfor all of the ways that I was
investing into relationship.
I wanted them to be equally asintuitive about what it was that
I needed.
but they had no idea about anyof that because of the mask that
I was putting on.
(07:56):
I wanted them to be able toanticipate my needs like I was
anticipating theirs, but I wouldnever, ever do anything as
drastic as actually saying thatout loud, because that would be
selfish.
Right?
So at the same time that theythought that all was well in the
relationship, I was feeling verybitter and resentful, and
(08:18):
eventually I hit a wall.
I was burned out.
I could not keep giving at thelevel that I was giving without
completely crashing.
And it was taking a serious tollon my mental and physical
health.
So with the help of coaching,then I was able to enter into a
new phase of life, a phase whereI was given permission to say
(08:40):
"no" permission that I actuallyhad all along.
Right?
I just needed to give myselfpermission to say no.
And that meant that for me, fora particular season of time, I
had to say no to everything.
But I wasn't saying no out ofbitterness.
I was saying no out ofdesperation.
I desperately needed to catch mybreath.
(09:03):
I needed space to figure outwhat my needs were so that I
could actually articulate themto other people and actually get
a shot at having those needsmet.
I had allowed myself to becomeso depleted by saying"yes" to
both the explicit requests andthe implied requests that I had
nothing left for myself.
(09:23):
I knew that for this season Icouldn't say yes to something
unless I could give it awholehearted yes, which meant
that if I had any reservationsabout it at all, I needed to say
no.
I also decided that for a seasonI was going to stop offering
support unless I was explicitlyasked for my help.
(09:44):
And when I really thought aboutit, there were a lot of things
that I wasn't asked to do, but Ifelt compelled to do them
anyway.
For example, a friend wouldshare that they were having a
rough day and that they had somekind of a struggle going on.
They needed a rest, ababysitter, a ride, whatever.
And rather than just sittingwith them while they felt their
feelings and practiced solvingtheir own problems, instead, I
(10:05):
would immediately jump in to fixit for them.
And this kept both of us stuckin a really toxic cycle.
So I would jump in and I wouldsay, oh, that sounds so hard.
Let me bring you dinner.
Let me watch the kids.
Let me watch your pet while yougo on vacation.
Let me water your lawn, let mewash your dishes.
Let me rearrange my wholeschedule and my whole life to
(10:26):
accommodate you so that youdon't have to experience any
negative emotion.
In fact, you don't even have toface the discomfort of asking me
for help because I'm just goingto volunteer it.
And while those kind acts can bekind and generous, in my case
during this season, then theywere being driven by a need to
be seen and appreciated, to bevalued, to increase my own
(10:49):
personal worth, and earn loveand connection.
Essentially I was faced head onwith what we talked about last
week, attaching my worth to whatit was that I could do for other
people rather than who Iactually was.
It was also really interestingfor me to observe that I had
actually been teaching otherpeople that they didn't have to
ask for help.
(11:10):
They didn't have to articulatetheir needs at all, and that was
very detrimental to therelationship.
I knew how uncomfortable it wasfor me to ask for help, so I
would be sparing other peoplefrom that discomfort, and I
would just jump in without beingasked, hoping that they would do
the same for me, and that theywould spare me from experiencing
that discomfort.
(11:31):
So I hoped that they would justsee what it was that I so
desperately needed, but was toouncomfortable to ask for.
After having all theserealizations, I started to work
to create some lasting changefor myself.
I started practicing saying whatI meant and meaning what I said.
But keep in mind that for yearsI had been unknowingly
(11:51):
conditioning myself and othersto just intuit needs.
So admittedly, my husband, hereally did take the brunt of
this.
So, for example, he might say,Hey, I wanna go and have a guy's
night this weekend.
We're gonna go to Buffalo WildWings.
We're gonna watch the fight,it's gonna be great.
And I'd say, oh yeah, that'stotally fine.
Go have a good time with yourfriends.
But really I wanted him to alsodedicate a weekend night to me.
(12:15):
I wanted to be able to go on adate with my husband, but I kept
that part to myself justthinking, oh, if I'm letting him
go do this really cool thing,then he'll think about what it
is that I might want to do onthe weekend.
And so I was just remainingsilent about it and then
resenting him later when Ididn't get my date night.
So then he would be veryconfused about that and he'd
say,"but you said it was okayfor me to go out with the guys.
(12:38):
I don't know why I'm in trouble.
I was just doing what you said,"right?
So I was putting him in asituation where I wanted him to
intuit what it was that I reallywanted.
He should just know that I alsowanted a date on the calendar.
And I remember one day afterhaving lots of coaching and lots
of practice actually saying whatI meant and meaning what I said,
(12:59):
that I was having thisconversation with my husband and
it was really a big shift Ithink for me personally as well
as for our relationship, so onthis particular day, I was
having a conversation with myhusband and I finally had to
tell him, I said, look, pleasejust hold me to my words.
Up until this point inrelationship, then we had both
been just trying to intuit whatit was that the other person
(13:21):
wanted, and this meant that Iwas essentially giving him mixed
signals, right?
Like with Fight night, he had noidea what to expect because my
words were saying one thing, butthen I'd be grumpy later.
I was giving him mixed signals.
I wasn't being consistent withmy words or my actions.
When you're not saying what youmean and meaning what you say,
then those that you're engagingwith are constantly receiving
(13:42):
mixed messaging from you, whichleaves them feeling uncertain in
the relationship or like it'stheir job to read between the
lines when you are the one whoisn't doing the communicating.
So I told my husband, I said,okay, please just stop.
Stop trying to intuit what it isthat I'm trying to say, and
instead just hold me to mywords.
If as I'm learning, then if mywords end up being wrong or if
(14:05):
they're not the whole truth, orif I forgot to mention
something, then let me feel theweight of the consequences.
Please love me enough to justlet me practice this.
Let me figure out how to expressmyself.
Even if I'm clumsy in thebeginning, please stop trying to
intuit what it is that you thinkthat I mean, and instead hold me
to my word.
(14:25):
I will work to be more honest,but I need you to hold me to my
words so that I can work throughthis on my own.
And that conversation was hugefor us and it helped me to wake
up to how I'd been doing thatsame thing in other
relationships.
I had been trying to readbetween the lines of what people
had been saying, right?
I was trying to figure out,okay, so what is it that they're
(14:46):
really trying to say?
I was not believing their wordseither.
And when you're not actuallybelieving people's words and
when you're trying to readbetween the lines, it's pretty
hit and miss on if you're gonnaactually be able to fulfill the
need or not.
And honestly, I was reallyhoping that other people that
they'd magically read betweenthe lines and fix my problems
for me.
It felt really uncomfortable toarticulate a need.
And I think this is true formany people pleasers.
(15:08):
It can feel really uncomfortableto admit that we have needs, let
alone ask to have those needsmet.
So if you are someone who isstruggling to speak your truth,
if you find yourself noddingalong in agreement when you
really want to say no, if youhave been the helper for
everybody, but you feel reallyalone when you are the one in
need of help, I see you.
(15:29):
I have been you.
And I can help.
Coaching has really helped me tofeel more grounded, less
anxious, and more connected withwho it is that I really am,
rather than who it is that Ithink other people think I
should be.
It has helped me to communicatemy needs more clearly and more
kindly without guilt and withouthaving that fear of abandonment.
(15:50):
And I truly believe thatcoaching can help you too.
So right now I'm offering sixweek coaching packages.
These are one-on-one sessions,and I do have a few spots
becoming available this month.
So if this episode spoke to you,and if you're ready to stop
people pleasing and startshowing up more honestly in your
relationships, then let's worktogether.
You can find me in many ways.
You can email me atmaryann@maryannwalker.life, send
(16:13):
me a message on social media, orcome to my website,
www.maryannwalker.life, but comeand work with me.
I would love to work with you.
Also, I'm currently in theprocess of gauging interest for
a small group coaching programfor empaths and highly sensitive
people.
So if you are looking for somepractical tools, if you're
looking for some energeticpractices that can help you to
feel more grounded in your ownenergy, less affected by other
(16:37):
people's energy, and moreenergized overall.
If you want to be better able tostate your own needs more
clearly and recognize what'syours and what's other people's,
I would love for you to join mywait list for this course.
This is going to be just thebeta testing round, and
honestly, I'm undecided if I'mgoing to be doing this again or
not.
So if you are interested, Iencourage you to get in.
(16:58):
Now on my wait list, I plan tokeep this very small.
I'm thinking maybe just 15 to 20people.
That way I can offer a morepersonalized and customized
support for those that are inthe group.
So if you are interested insomething like that, then jump
on my wait list so that you canbe the first to know when
registration is open for thatcourse.
You can find the link for thatwait list in the show notes.
(17:20):
So in closing, remember to saywhat you mean and mean what you
say.
That's how you build trust, notjust with other people, but with
yourself.
Because at the end of the day,boundaries and honesty are not
just about protecting yourself,but they're about creating
relationships that are real,sustainable, and soul
fulfilling.
(17:40):
All right.
Well, thank you so much forbeing here, and I'll see you
next time.
Hmm.
Bye now.
Well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker andI'm the life coach for the
helpers, the healers, and thepeople pleasers.
And today I wanna talk with youabout something that I know you
have all heard before, but ifyou're anything like me, it's
something that I was onlyimplementing part time.
But once I did startimplementing this on a regular
basis, then my relationships, myanxiety levels, and honestly my
(00:23):
whole life began to change.
And that one thing is this: learning to say what you mean. (00:25):
undefined
And mean what you say.
This episode is kind of buildingon something that I shared in
episode 160 where we exploredhow remaining silent is often
the most dishonest thing thatyou can do.
So if you haven't listened tothat one yet, then I'll link
that in the show notes.
But today I want to kind of takethat idea even deeper as a
(00:46):
recovering people pleaser.
I used to think that being nicewas more important than being
honest about how I was feeling.
Essentially, I believed thatsaying no was rude and being
rude was the worst thing ever.
So I would say yes when I wantedto say no, and then I would be
upset when people took me up onmy yes.
(01:09):
So if you're listening here onthe podcast, I am sure that this
has happened to you too.
For example, I had one clientwho they had been asked to speak
and they said immediately, ohyeah, absolutely, I can do that.
But then they really thoughtabout it and inside then they
really didn't wanna do thespeaking engagement.
They thought, well, yeah, I'dlove to do that, but it's
terrible timing.
(01:30):
I don't have adequate time toprepare.
I'm going to be exhaustedbecause that's gonna be back to
back from this other event thatI'm doing, and I'm still
recovering from that nasty bug.
And so on the outside then theywere saying yes, but inside they
were feeling resentful.
Resentful of the timing,resentful of the mental and
physical toll that this would betaking on them, thinking that,
(01:50):
well, I should be getting moreappreciation, more recognition,
more compensation for doing thisthing because of the huge toll
that this is taking on me.
On the outside and they weresaying, yeah, I can do that, no
problem.
But on the inside they werereally struggling.
For this client, even though intheir head they were making it a
(02:10):
problem, that they were asked todo this thing that wasn't
actually the problem.
Them being asked to do thespeaking engagement during a bad
time for them was not theproblem.
The real problem was that theirwords and their actions didn't
match up.
They were sending mixedmessaging out into the universe.
Now, let me share a few moreexamples that might be a little
(02:31):
bit more applicable to youspecifically.
For example, maybe you're saying"I'm fine" when really you're
feeling overwhelmed, hurt, orupset, but you are saying,"I'm
fine" in order to avoid feelinglike a burden.
Or maybe you're saying, oh yeah,sure, I can do that, when really
what you're thinking is, but I'malways the room mom and I always
(02:53):
take on the lion's share of thework for these kind of events.
I think it's somebody else'sturn, but instead of declining
and allowing somebody else tostep in.
And take the lead.
Then you might find that you'rebiting off more than you can
chew, and then you're feelingreally upset about it later.
Or maybe you're somebody whopretends to agree with other
people in order to avoidconflict.
So on the outside you're saying,oh, I totally feel the same way,
(03:15):
and I can absolutely see whereyou're coming from, but inside
you really have no idea how theycame to that conclusion.
You absolutely disagree withthem, and you're wondering if
you're actually compatible withthis person at all.
or maybe your partner is saying,oh, hey, do you wanna go out
with this couple this weekend?
And on the outside you'resaying,"oh yeah, sure, I would
love to go out" because that'sthe nice thing to do, right?
(03:38):
Being rude is the worst thingever.
But deep down, what you reallywant is a quiet weekend.
We can just unwind and catchyour breath and you know that
going out with that couple inparticular is going to keep you
feeling on edge and like youcan't actually be yourself.
Now, each of these are examplesof when you do not mean what you
say, and you do not say what youmean.
(03:59):
These are examples of when yourwords and your actions don't
match up.
These are examples of whenyou're actually out of integrity
with yourself, and these are allexamples of seemingly innocent
comments that can ultimatelylead to anger, resentment, and
even distrust in relationship.
We do not feel good inside whenwe're doing this.
(04:21):
And we know we're not gonna feelgood inside when we do this, so
why do we do it?
One potential reason is thatdeep down we have that belief
that,"well, if I can just makeeverybody else happy, then I'll
feel safe, then I'll feelsecure, then I'll feel
connected, then I'll feeladored." But in reality, being
"nice" and saying the"right"thing instead of actually how we
(04:41):
really feel, then it often leadsto misunderstandings,
disappointment, and resentment,which are some of the most
corrosive things that you canbring into your relationships.
When I was first introduced tocoaching as a recovering people
pleaser, I started to see that Ihad a lot of quiet tension in
all of my relationships.
(05:02):
Now, I want you to think of thisas silent, but deadly.
That's how I was feeling.
On the outside, other peoplecouldn't see it, but inside I
was really worked up All thetime, I was experiencing just
this subtle hum of contention inmy relationships, but because
the subtle hum had become mybaseline emotionally, it was
(05:22):
really hard for me to see thatall of this was self-created and
even see the anxiety that I wasfeeling until it was pointed out
to me by my coach.
And that's when I started torealize how many things I was
doing that I really didn't wantto do.
And this wasn't just for thethings that I was explicitly
asked to do, but also for thethings that nobody asked me to
(05:44):
do.
I was essentially justvolunteering for things,
thinking that if I could justanticipate everybody else's
wants, needs, and desires, thensoon they would start to
anticipate my wants, needs, anddesires, and they would actually
be met.
It was about this time that afriend of mine pointed out to me
that unspoken expectations arepremeditated resentments.
(06:06):
Wow.
Was that the truth?
Because I wasn't speaking myexpectations out loud, my
expectations for appreciation,reciprocation, consideration, my
unspoken expectations werealmost always leading to
resentment.
And that was so damaging for notonly my personal mental health,
but also my relationships.
(06:28):
The unspoken part of the silentcontracts that I had with my
friends and family was, if I dothis for you, then you will do
this for me.
But they weren't aware that theyhad entered into this contract,
they had no idea.
So I would say,'oh yeah, ofcourse.
That's no big deal.
I'm happy to help," even when Iwas feeling really exhausted and
spread so thin that I couldbarely fulfill my own needs.
(06:51):
And guess what?
Because I had trained people toexpect that kind of a response
from me.
They actually believed me when Isaid that everything was fine
and I was happy to do it.
In fact, they thought,"oh, butshe really enjoys doing these
kinds of things for me.
In fact, I am doing her a favorby allowing her to do this thing
for me.
I didn't ask her to do this.
(07:12):
She volunteered to do this," andthat only made the imbalance in
relationship even worse.
In their mind, then letting medo this thing that I volunteered
to do, then that would be rewardenough for me.
They thought that that's what Iwanted to do, right?
But for me, I needed more thanthat.
I wanted to have my kind actsreciprocated.
(07:34):
I wanted to be able to restthoroughly.
I wanted a token of appreciationfor all of the ways that I was
investing into relationship.
I wanted them to be equally asintuitive about what it was that
I needed.
but they had no idea about anyof that because of the mask that
I was putting on.
(07:56):
I wanted them to be able toanticipate my needs like I was
anticipating theirs, but I wouldnever, ever do anything as
drastic as actually saying thatout loud, because that would be
selfish.
Right?
So at the same time that theythought that all was well in the
relationship, I was feeling verybitter and resentful, and
(08:18):
eventually I hit a wall.
I was burned out.
I could not keep giving at thelevel that I was giving without
completely crashing.
And it was taking a serious tollon my mental and physical
health.
So with the help of coaching,then I was able to enter into a
new phase of life, a phase whereI was given permission to say
(08:40):
"no" permission that I actuallyhad all along.
Right?
I just needed to give myselfpermission to say no.
And that meant that for me, fora particular season of time, I
had to say no to everything.
But I wasn't saying no out ofbitterness.
I was saying no out ofdesperation.
I desperately needed to catch mybreath.
(09:03):
I needed space to figure outwhat my needs were so that I
could actually articulate themto other people and actually get
a shot at having those needsmet.
I had allowed myself to becomeso depleted by saying"yes" to
both the explicit requests andthe implied requests that I had
nothing left for myself.
(09:23):
I knew that for this season Icouldn't say yes to something
unless I could give it awholehearted yes, which meant
that if I had any reservationsabout it at all, I needed to say
no.
I also decided that for a seasonI was going to stop offering
support unless I was explicitlyasked for my help.
(09:44):
And when I really thought aboutit, there were a lot of things
that I wasn't asked to do, but Ifelt compelled to do them
anyway.
For example, a friend wouldshare that they were having a
rough day and that they had somekind of a struggle going on.
They needed a rest, ababysitter, a ride, whatever.
And rather than just sittingwith them while they felt their
feelings and practiced solvingtheir own problems, instead, I
(10:05):
would immediately jump in to fixit for them.
And this kept both of us stuckin a really toxic cycle.
So I would jump in and I wouldsay, oh, that sounds so hard.
Let me bring you dinner.
Let me watch the kids.
Let me watch your pet while yougo on vacation.
Let me water your lawn, let mewash your dishes.
Let me rearrange my wholeschedule and my whole life to
(10:26):
accommodate you so that youdon't have to experience any
negative emotion.
In fact, you don't even have toface the discomfort of asking me
for help because I'm just goingto volunteer it.
And while those kind acts can bekind and generous, in my case
during this season, then theywere being driven by a need to
be seen and appreciated, to bevalued, to increase my own
(10:49):
personal worth, and earn loveand connection.
Essentially I was faced head onwith what we talked about last
week, attaching my worth to whatit was that I could do for other
people rather than who Iactually was.
It was also really interestingfor me to observe that I had
actually been teaching otherpeople that they didn't have to
ask for help.
(11:10):
They didn't have to articulatetheir needs at all, and that was
very detrimental to therelationship.
I knew how uncomfortable it wasfor me to ask for help, so I
would be sparing other peoplefrom that discomfort, and I
would just jump in without beingasked, hoping that they would do
the same for me, and that theywould spare me from experiencing
that discomfort.
(11:31):
So I hoped that they would justsee what it was that I so
desperately needed, but was toouncomfortable to ask for.
After having all theserealizations, I started to work
to create some lasting changefor myself.
I started practicing saying whatI meant and meaning what I said.
But keep in mind that for yearsI had been unknowingly
(11:51):
conditioning myself and othersto just intuit needs.
So admittedly, my husband, hereally did take the brunt of
this.
So, for example, he might say,Hey, I wanna go and have a guy's
night this weekend.
We're gonna go to Buffalo WildWings.
We're gonna watch the fight,it's gonna be great.
And I'd say, oh yeah, that'stotally fine.
Go have a good time with yourfriends.
But really I wanted him to alsodedicate a weekend night to me.
(12:15):
I wanted to be able to go on adate with my husband, but I kept
that part to myself justthinking, oh, if I'm letting him
go do this really cool thing,then he'll think about what it
is that I might want to do onthe weekend.
And so I was just remainingsilent about it and then
resenting him later when Ididn't get my date night.
So then he would be veryconfused about that and he'd
say,"but you said it was okayfor me to go out with the guys.
(12:38):
I don't know why I'm in trouble.
I was just doing what you said,"right?
So I was putting him in asituation where I wanted him to
intuit what it was that I reallywanted.
He should just know that I alsowanted a date on the calendar.
And I remember one day afterhaving lots of coaching and lots
of practice actually saying whatI meant and meaning what I said,
(12:59):
that I was having thisconversation with my husband and
it was really a big shift Ithink for me personally as well
as for our relationship, so onthis particular day, I was
having a conversation with myhusband and I finally had to
tell him, I said, look, pleasejust hold me to my words.
Up until this point inrelationship, then we had both
been just trying to intuit whatit was that the other person
(13:21):
wanted, and this meant that Iwas essentially giving him mixed
signals, right?
Like with Fight night, he had noidea what to expect because my
words were saying one thing, butthen I'd be grumpy later.
I was giving him mixed signals.
I wasn't being consistent withmy words or my actions.
When you're not saying what youmean and meaning what you say,
then those that you're engagingwith are constantly receiving
(13:42):
mixed messaging from you, whichleaves them feeling uncertain in
the relationship or like it'stheir job to read between the
lines when you are the one whoisn't doing the communicating.
So I told my husband, I said,okay, please just stop.
Stop trying to intuit what it isthat I'm trying to say, and
instead just hold me to mywords.
If as I'm learning, then if mywords end up being wrong or if
(14:05):
they're not the whole truth, orif I forgot to mention
something, then let me feel theweight of the consequences.
Please love me enough to justlet me practice this.
Let me figure out how to expressmyself.
Even if I'm clumsy in thebeginning, please stop trying to
intuit what it is that you thinkthat I mean, and instead hold me
to my word.
(14:25):
I will work to be more honest,but I need you to hold me to my
words so that I can work throughthis on my own.
And that conversation was hugefor us and it helped me to wake
up to how I'd been doing thatsame thing in other
relationships.
I had been trying to readbetween the lines of what people
had been saying, right?
I was trying to figure out,okay, so what is it that they're
(14:46):
really trying to say?
I was not believing their wordseither.
And when you're not actuallybelieving people's words and
when you're trying to readbetween the lines, it's pretty
hit and miss on if you're gonnaactually be able to fulfill the
need or not.
And honestly, I was reallyhoping that other people that
they'd magically read betweenthe lines and fix my problems
for me.
It felt really uncomfortable toarticulate a need.
And I think this is true formany people pleasers.
(15:08):
It can feel really uncomfortableto admit that we have needs, let
alone ask to have those needsmet.
So if you are someone who isstruggling to speak your truth,
if you find yourself noddingalong in agreement when you
really want to say no, if youhave been the helper for
everybody, but you feel reallyalone when you are the one in
need of help, I see you.
(15:29):
I have been you.
And I can help.
Coaching has really helped me tofeel more grounded, less
anxious, and more connected withwho it is that I really am,
rather than who it is that Ithink other people think I
should be.
It has helped me to communicatemy needs more clearly and more
kindly without guilt and withouthaving that fear of abandonment.
(15:50):
And I truly believe thatcoaching can help you too.
So right now I'm offering sixweek coaching packages.
These are one-on-one sessions,and I do have a few spots
becoming available this month.
So if this episode spoke to you,and if you're ready to stop
people pleasing and startshowing up more honestly in your
relationships, then let's worktogether.
You can find me in many ways.
You can email me atmaryann@maryannwalker.life, send
(16:13):
me a message on social media, orcome to my website,
www.maryannwalker.life, but comeand work with me.
I would love to work with you.
Also, I'm currently in theprocess of gauging interest for
a small group coaching programfor empaths and highly sensitive
people.
So if you are looking for somepractical tools, if you're
looking for some energeticpractices that can help you to
feel more grounded in your ownenergy, less affected by other
(16:37):
people's energy, and moreenergized overall.
If you want to be better able tostate your own needs more
clearly and recognize what'syours and what's other people's,
I would love for you to join mywait list for this course.
This is going to be just thebeta testing round, and
honestly, I'm undecided if I'mgoing to be doing this again or
not.
So if you are interested, Iencourage you to get in.
(16:58):
Now on my wait list, I plan tokeep this very small.
I'm thinking maybe just 15 to 20people.
That way I can offer a morepersonalized and customized
support for those that are inthe group.
So if you are interested insomething like that, then jump
on my wait list so that you canbe the first to know when
registration is open for thatcourse.
You can find the link for thatwait list in the show notes.
(17:20):
So in closing, remember to saywhat you mean and mean what you
say.
That's how you build trust, notjust with other people, but with
yourself.
Because at the end of the day,boundaries and honesty are not
just about protecting yourself,but they're about creating
relationships that are real,sustainable, and soul
fulfilling.
(17:40):
All right.
Well, thank you so much forbeing here, and I'll see you
next time.
Hmm.
Bye now.
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