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July 24, 2025 11 mins

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When does empathy become toxic? When it leads to self-abandonment. 

Yes, empathy is beautiful—it helps us connect, support others, and hold space. But what happens when your empathy starts costing you your peace, self-worth, and well-being?

Join me as we explore:

  • What toxic empathy is and how it differs from healthy compassion
  • How people-pleasers and highly sensitive people (HSPs) often fall into this pattern
  • Real-life examples of toxic empathy in romantic, platonic, and family relationships
  • The shift from enabling to empowered empathy
  • How to set boundaries without losing your compassion

🛑 In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

  • Why understanding someone’s trauma does not justify harmful behavior
  • How toxic empathy often looks like:
    • Making excuses for others
    • Self-abandonment
    • Avoiding boundaries
  • Why empathy without boundaries leads to resentment and emotional burnout
  • How to begin using empathy as information, not justification

🔍 Real-Life Examples Discussed:

  1. The Neglectful Partner – Understanding someone’s trauma doesn't mean tolerating emotional unavailability.
  2. The Flaky Friend – Compassion for someone’s anxiety shouldn’t leave you doing all the work in the friendship.
  3. The Critical Parent – Empathizing with your parent’s pain doesn’t mean accepting their constant criticism.

✨ This Week’s Reflection Invitation:

Ask yourself:

  • Where has my empathy crossed into enabling?
  • What behavior have I been tolerating in the name of understanding?
  • Am I sacrificing my needs while waiting for someone else to change?

Then take one small step:
Set a boundary.
Stop chasing.
Initiate a long-overdue conversation.
Let self-compassion lead the way. 💛

📞 Want More Support?

If you're recognizing patterns of toxic empathy in your relationships and you're ready to make a change, I’d love to support you.

✨ I'm currently offering 6-week 1:1 coaching packages where we’ll dive into your specific situation and build a more empowered, balanced way of showing up in your life and relationships.

🎯 Book your free 20-minute clarity call to see if we might be a good fit: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult

Ready to reserve your 6 week package? Let me know here: https://maryannwalker.life/contact-me
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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello and welcome back.

(00:01):
My name is MaryAnn Walker andI'm the life coach for the
helpers, the healers, and theempathetic ones.
And today we're going to betalking about something that
might sound counterintuitive atfirst, and it's the idea of
toxic empathy.
Now I hear you.
I work with the empaths and thehighly sensitive people, right?
So I hear you saying, butempathy's a good thing and yes,
yes it is.

(00:21):
Empathy it is beautiful.
Empathy helps us to connect.
Empathy helps us to betterunderstand each other.
It helps us to hold space foreach other's pain.
But when empathy becomes toxic,it doesn't look like love
anymore.
In fact, it can look a lot morelike making excuses for someone
else's poor behavior.
It can look like selfabandonment.
It can look like making yourselfsmall just so that somebody else

(00:45):
feels a little bit morecomfortable.
It can look like enablingsomeone rather than encouraging
them to learn and to grow.
So today we're going to kind ofunpack a little bit what toxic
empathy is, how to recognize it,and how to shift into healthy,
empowered empathy that reallyhonors yourself and others
without sacrificing yourself.

(01:06):
As a highly empathetic person,then you may have even found
yourself in a relationship withpeople who may have even told
you over time that well, youjust don't understand.
If you did understand, youwouldn't be asking this of me.
You wouldn't be holding thisboundary with me.
You wouldn't be making me feeluncomfortable right now if you
really understood my situation,but I want you to know it is
possible to empathize withsomebody else while also

(01:28):
encouraging growth.
So first, what is toxic empathy?
Toxic empathy is when youunderstand why someone is the
way that they are, and becauseyou really do understand why
they are the way that they are.
Then you may start makingexcuses for their harmful
behavior instead of encouraginggrowth and encouraging change.
You know what their trauma is.

(01:49):
You've heard their stories,you've seen the pain that they
carry.
And so when they hurt you, whenthey neglect you, when they
dismiss you, when they crossyour boundaries, then you might
not say anything.
In fact, you may even bejustifying their behavior.
You're minimizing your own needsand your own desire for comfort
because they've had it harderthan you, right?

(02:10):
You can empathize with where itis that they're coming from.
But here's the truth is thatunderstanding someone's trauma
is not the same thing asaccepting harmful behavior.
You can understand someone'spast and someone's trauma
without accepting their currentharmful behavior and how it's
impacting you.

(02:31):
Empathy is the lens by which wecan view somebody else's
behavior, but it should never bea license for somebody to behave
poorly.
and let me say that again.
Empathy can be a lens throughwhich we can better understand
each other, but it should neverbe a license for someone to
continually hurt or neglect you.
So let me kind of illustratewhat this might look like by

(02:51):
using a few examples here.
So first I'm gonna use theexample of the neglectful
partner.
So we'll talk about Sarah Alittle bit.
Sarah's been with her partnerJake for about five years, and
she really craves emotionalconnection.
But Jake is emotionallyunavailable.
He shuts down during conflict.
He scrolls on his phone duringdinner rather than engaging with
the family.

(03:11):
He hasn't asked her how her dayhas gone in...
well, months.
But Sarah knows that Jake had ahard childhood.
His parents were really cold.
He never saw affection modeledat home.
And he told her once that beingvulnerable actually made him
feel weak.
So now she should understand whyhe never shares, right?
So every time that Jakewithdraws, then Sarah tells

(03:34):
herself, well, he's doing thebest that he can, and maybe he
is doing the best that he can,but Sarah is now in a
relationship where her needs aregoing unmet.
She's accepting neglect becauseshe understands where it came
from.
That's toxic empathy.
So here's another example forthe friend who never shows up.

(03:57):
So here's Maria.
And Maria has this friend namedJana, who constantly flakes on
her.
So they make plans, and thenJana is constantly canceling at
the last minute.
Maria feels really hurt by this,but she doesn't say anything
because she knows that Janareally struggles with anxiety
Jana has been burned by pastfriendships, and so social
settings, they can feel reallyoverwhelming for her.

(04:17):
And so Maria continues tooverextend.
She's always the one reachingout.
She's always the one who isbeing understanding.
But here's the thing, is Jana'snever initiating.
She never apologizes forwithdrawing last minute, and
she's not actually working onthe relationship.

(04:38):
So in this instance then Maria'sempathy has now become a trap in
that relationship.
Because Maria gets it, becauseMaria understands.
Then she started making excusesfor Jana rather than stating her
expectations.
And again, that is toxicempathy.
Alright, example number three,the criticizing parent.

(04:59):
So let's talk about Lisa.
Lisa has a mother who isconstantly critical of her.
Every phone call turns intosubtle jabs, for example.
Are you sure that you want towear that for the family photos?
Well, I didn't raise my childrento be that way, but okay,
whatever.
Oh, it must be nice to have timeto rest.
I never got that luxury when youwere little, but Lisa knows that

(05:20):
her mom had an incredibly hardlife.
She was raised by a singleparent.
She worked from a very youngage, and she never had emotional
support growing up.
So of course, she doesn't knowhow to offer emotional support.
So instead then Lisarationalizes, oh, well, she
doesn't mean to be hurtful.
She doesn't know better.
She's doing the best that shecan.
But the reality is that Lisaleaves every single phone call

(05:42):
feeling smaller.
Less confident and defeated, andthat's not empathy, that's
enabling.
So with all of this in mind, Iwant to remind you that empathy
isn't the problem here.
Okay?
You can empathize and understandall that you want.
It can be very, very helpful toempathize and understand where
someone is coming from.

(06:04):
But the real issue here is thelack of boundaries.
It's enabling, instead ofstating a boundary.
You can absolutely say, Hey, Iunderstand why it is that you do
that.
And you can also say, and I'mnot willing to tolerate that
anymore.
Empathy doesn't mean that youlet your partner neglect your
needs.
It doesn't mean letting yourfriends ignore your time.

(06:26):
It doesn't mean letting yourfamily talk down to you.
You can understand why someonebehaves a certain way and you
can still have the expectationthat they should be learning and
growing and evolving over time.
Empathy is not a hall pass.
It is not an excuse fordisrespect and it should never
cost you your personal peace.

(06:48):
People learn how to treat you bythe behaviors that you are
willing to tolerate.
So you're teaching them how totreat you by making excuses for
things or by remaining silentinstead of speaking up, you're
teaching them what it is thatyou are and are not willing to
tolerate.
But if you are always the onegiving, waiting, explaining, and
understanding without everasking for reciprocity, then you

(07:12):
are not modeling empathy.
You're modeling self sacrifice.
And I honestly think that's abig reason why people fall into
this toxic empathy.
They think if I can just modelthis for the other person, then
they'll see how it is that Iwant to be treated.
But the other person, they mightnot be emotionally aware enough
to see that that's what you'redoing to see that you're

(07:32):
modeling how it's that you wannabe treated.
They're going to learn by how itis that they're feeling, okay?
So they're going to learnthrough your stating boundaries,
through your speaking up,through your letting'em know,
Hey, I'm not going to be spokento in that way.
I understand that this is astruggle for you and I'm not
going to choose to remain inthis abusive or neglectful

(07:52):
situation.
So use your empathy asinformation, not justification.
It's not, well, I get why it isthat you're this way, so I guess
I'll stay.
But instead it's, I understandwhy they're this way and I hope
that they grow, but I am notgoing to abandon myself while I
wait for them to change.

(08:14):
So here's your invitation forthis week.
I want you to kind of reflectback on your relationships and
notice if there may be arelationship or maybe your
empathy has crossed over intoenabling.
And here's a big red flag forthis is more than likely it's
going to be in the relationshipwhere you are feeling that
things are really out ofbalance.
It might be that you've beenmaking excuses for them for too

(08:35):
long, and now that resentment isstarting to step in.
So ask yourself, okay, so whereis it that maybe my empathy may
have crossed a line intoenabling?
And then ask yourself, what isit that I'm tolerating in the
name of understanding?
Are they willing to understandme?
Or is this understanding onlygoing in one direction?
Have I been excusing behaviorthat is hurting me?

(08:58):
What would it look like to lovemyself enough to ask for more?
And then take one small step.
Towards creating change.
So maybe that's stating aboundary.
Maybe it's having thatconversation that you've been
putting off.
Maybe it's simply not chasingafter someone who always expects
you to be the one doing all ofthe mental and emotional work in

(09:20):
relationship.
Empathy is amazing and it is oh,so powerful, but it was never
meant to come at the cost ofyour wellbeing.
So today I want you to rememberthis.
You are allowed to be kind andclear.
You are allowed to understandsomeone's story without being

(09:40):
personally responsible for it.
You are allowed to expectrespect.
Empathy can coexist withboundaries.
Compassion can coexist withself-worth, and you my dear, you
deserve both.
So thank you so much for tuningin today.
If this episode resonated withyou, if you're noticing
patterns, if you're noticingthat you may be experiencing

(10:02):
some toxic empathy in yourrelationships and you're not
quite sure how to break out ofthat, I would love to support
you in working through it.
Right now I'm offering six weekcoaching packages.
This gives us six sessions wherewe can work on your situation
specifically, and honestly, Ithink you'll be blown away by
how much you and I canaccomplish in just six weeks
together.
Since I do work in six weekrotations, then I do have some

(10:24):
spots becoming available.
If you would like one of thosespots, I encourage you to come
and jump on a consultation callwith me.
This is just a 20 minute call tosee if we're a good fit.
I can answer any questions thatyou might have around coaching,
and we can see if we'd be a goodfit for each other.
So check out the link in theshow notes if you'd like more
information on that.
You can also find all of mysocial media contact information
there.
I would just love to have moreways to communicate with you.

(10:47):
Alright, well I hope you have agreat week and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
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