August 7, 2025 • 20 mins
Do you have a hard time feeling ok when others around you are struggling? Do you find yourself constantly managing the emotions of others or abandoning your own needs in the name of “keeping the peace?” If so, you may be struggling with codependency. Today we’re going to explore what codependency actually is, how it often hides under the mask of kindness, and how to start reclaiming your emotional freedom.
Many recovering people pleasers have adopted the belief that “I’m only okay if everyone else is okay.” But that belief, while rooted in self-protection, becomes exhausting and unsustainable in adulthood. It forfeits our own emotional regulation and makes our emotional wellbeing conditional upon our ability to emotionally comfort/control others.
In this episode we uncover how this pattern develops, why it keeps you stuck, and how to start shifting from emotional control to emotional regulation.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
- Why recovering people pleasers are often codependent
- How hyper-vigilance, self-neglect, and resentment can be signs of codependency
- The emotional cost of codependency & trying to “keep the peace”
- Real-life examples of codependency & emotional caretaking (and how to spot it in yourself)
- Simple steps to shift from people-soothing to self-soothing
- How to build emotional resilience and reclaim your inner peace
Challenge for the Week
The next time you feel the urge to fix someone else’s emotions, pause.
- Notice the urge without acting on it.
- Ask yourself: “Am I doing this because I can’t tolerate their discomfort? Or because I know it's what's best for me?”
- Choose to self-soothe instead of people-soothe.
Breathe. Journal. Ground. Repeat. You’ve got this. 💛
Work With Me
Ready to stop walking on eggshells and start building emotional resilience?
I’m currently booking for Fall and would love to support you in breaking the cycle of people pleasing, setting guilt-free boundaries, and finally tending to your needs.
👉 Apply now at https://maryannwalker.life/contact-me
Don’t Forget to Subscribe
https://www.instagram.com/maryannwalker.life/If this episode helped you feel seen, grounded, or inspired, hit that follow button and leave a review. And share it with a friend who might also be stuck in emotional over-responsibility—they might need this more than you know.
📞 Want More Support?
If you're recognizing patterns of toxic empathy in your relationships and you're ready to make a change, I’d love to support you.
✨ I'm currently offering 6-week 1:1 coaching packages where we’ll dive into your specific situation and build a more empowered, balanced way of showing up in your life and relationships.
🎯 Book your free 20-minute clarity call to see if we might be a good fit: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Well.
Hello and welcome back.
My name is Marianne Walker andI'm the life coach for
recovering people pleasers, andtoday I'm speaking directly to
those who are constantlyscanning the emotional climate
of the room in an attempt tokeep everybody else calm.
And peaceful, hoping that byextension then they will start
to feel calm and peaceful aswell.
Because essentially somewherealong the way they've learned I
(00:20):
am not okay unless my people areokay.
And while that belief may havehelped you to feel safe growing
up, it is exhausting andcompletely unsustainable as an
adult.
So today we're going to betalking about how that belief
shows up for us, what it'scosting you, and how you can
start to shift from controllingother people's emotions to
regulating your own emotions.
(00:41):
Because let's be honest, tryingto control everyone and
everything outside of you is notonly impossible, but it might
actually be exactly what iskeeping you stuck.
So first, why do peoplepleasers, feel personally
responsible for other people'semotions?
There may be several reasons,but a few reasons might be that
maybe as a child you werepraised for being the"easy one"
(01:03):
or the"helper." Maybe you werethe comedic relief.
Maybe you were the"good kid".
You probably learned at an earlyage that being calm, agreeable,
pleasant, and highlyaccommodating is what earned you
love.
Affection, or at the very least,it helped you to avoid conflict,
to not be the target in thehome.
Some of us were raised in homeswhere big emotions, they felt
(01:26):
really dangerous.
Maybe our parents didn't knowhow to regulate their own
emotions, and so it was kind ofscary'cause we didn't know what
was going to happen.
We couldn't trust that mom ordad could keep their cool.
We knew that if they had bigfeelings, it was going to be
impacting us.
So naturally we learned how tomanage other people's emotions.
In a way to keep ourselves safe.
(01:47):
That's how the false belief getsplanted, that if I keep
everybody else happy, then I'llbe safe, then I'll be loved,
then I'll be enough.
But here's the problem with thatis it doesn't actually make you
feel safe or loved.
But it actually keeps youconstantly walking on eggshells
and makes you feel personallyresponsible for other people's
(02:09):
wellbeing.
And this leaves you feelingreally burned out and possibly
even resentful.
Now, not only that, but youmight also be experiencing a lot
of frustration in your life asyou're learning that number one:
you can't actually control howother people think or feel, or
show up no matter howaccommodating you are.
And number two (02:25):
you might actually be perpetuating their
immature behavior as you arepersonally taking on the
emotional load and essentiallychoosing to adopt the role of
regulating their emotions ratherthan managing your own emotions.
Now there is a big cost toliving this way, and so we're
gonna talk about a few of thethings that this pattern costs
(02:47):
you.
First then there's the hypervigilance.
It feels like walking oneggshells.
It feels like constantlyscanning the room and attempting
to read everybody else's bodylanguage, adjusting yourself and
the environment in an attempt tokeep the peace for everybody.
And that can feel a lot likeemotional, whack-a-mole.
Because you never get to rest.
You must be hypervigilant inorder to be safe.
(03:10):
But here's the thing is thenyou're actually perpetuating
your lack of ease because youhave to be on high alert, so
you're on high alert, constantlyscanning the room so that you
can be at peace.
But at the same time, you're notexperiencing peace when you're
doing that.
Make sense?
Alright, so second then there isthe suppression of your own
needs.
You have become so focused onhow other people are doing that
(03:32):
you might not even notice whenit is that your own cup is
empty.
In fact, you might even envythose around you as their needs
are being met.
For example, maybe you see themstretching their body or maybe
going to a sauna for their achesand pains, and you might find
yourself wishing that you couldhave that same opportunity.
Newsflash, you can, but you havetrained yourself to delay
(03:53):
getting your own needs met untileverybody else's needs have been
met.
But then you find yourselfsilently resenting that, ah, I
wish that I could have that.
I wish somebody would show upfor me in that way.
I wish that my needs could alsobe met.
And then third, then there'sthat resentment.
Once you realize that others arenot going to the same lengths
for you that you're going to forthem.
(04:15):
And honestly, how could they,because you've never actually
given them the chance.
So let me share a few practicalexamples so you can kind of see
what this might look like inreal life, and of course, apply
this to your own life.
There's a million examples ofthis, so just kind of get
curious about how it might beshowing up for you.
Example, number one, maybe younotice that your partner's quiet
and withdrawn after work, andrather than just asking them
(04:37):
what they need, then maybeinstead you're jumping into
action.
You're making the dinner, you'recleaning the house, you're
keeping the kids quiet, you'retrying to cheer them up.
And it's not because they askedyou to do these things, but it's
because you are feeling anxiouswhen they are upset.
All right.
Example number two, a friend isgoing through a really hard
(04:57):
time, and so you dropeverything.
You cancel your own plans,you're skipping your own rest so
that you can be their emotionalsupport system.
And when you do this, like it'sokay to do this once or twice,
but this has become a pattern inrelationship, and you're
starting to notice that you'refeeling drained, but you keep
going and you keep showing upbecause you don't want them to
(05:17):
feel alone.
Meanwhile, they're not showingup for you in the way that you
would like.
And you might discover thatwhile you are technically not
alone, because you're spending alot of time with them, you're
actually feeling more alone thanever, and you're recognizing
that this is becoming a patternin your relationship.
All right.
Example number three (05:37):
at work, you notice that your coworker is
really stressed out, so youchoose to stay late to help them
with their project, even thoughyour own deadlines are
suffering.
And maybe you're even tellingyourself that, well, I'm just
being helpful, but really thenyou're trying to manage their
stress so that you will feelmore at ease.
(05:57):
So you're choosing consistentlyto take on a disproportionate
amount of work.
Now, if any of these soundfamiliar, I want you to know
that you're not alone.
When we make our wellbeingconditional upon other people's
wellbeing, we are keepingourselves in limbo.
It's like waking up each day andsaying, well,"I don't know what
kind of a day I'm going to havebecause I don't know what mood
(06:19):
they're going to be in." It'sforfeiting your own power.
It's making you a victim ofother people's moods.
It's shrinking yourself, andthis is crazy making because
there's honestly no way topredict what mood other people
will be in or what it is that'sgoing to set them off that day.
This is why so many peoplepleasers actually become
empaths, and yes, I trulybelieve that you can train
(06:40):
yourself to become an empath.
And many people do because oftrauma, right?
People pleasers believe that,"okay, well, if I can just
become hypersensitive toeverybody around me, if I can
predict the mood, the want, thedesire, the frustration, if I
can meet all of those needs andwants before there's an
emotional upset, then I willnever experience an emotional
(07:01):
upset.
So they attune themselves toothers in an attempt to keep
themselves safe.
But as you know, we can'tactually control other people.
And while we may be somewhataccurate in our assessment of a
situation we cannot possibly doso with 100% accuracy.
There's a lot of wild cards whenyou're hanging everything on
(07:21):
somebody else, right?
The other person, how they showup is out of our control and
placing our wellbeing in thehands of others, it actually
keeps us more on edge ratherthan helping us to actually
regulate our own emotionalwellbeing.
So what do we do instead?
I'm gonna share a few tips withyou.
First, recognize the pattern.
(07:43):
Start by noticing when it isthat you feel the urge to fix
someone else's emotions, and askyourself, am I trying to make
them feel better so that I canfeel better?
Because this is the beginning ofself-awareness and this
awareness, it gives you a choicewhen you are fixing so that you
feel better, then you mayinadvertently be prolonging your
(08:04):
own discomfort.
For example, when you'reconstantly jumping in to help
out your frazzled coworker, thenthey may never actually learn
how to complete a task on theirown within the given timeline.
This means that in an attempt tokeep yourself comfortable, then
you may actually be creatingeven more discomfort for
yourself as you find yourselfstepping in for just one more
project again and again andagain leading to you feeling
(08:28):
drained rather than peaceful.
So recognize that you arestepping in, it may be a pattern
that is causing interference,and then work to break that
cycle so that you can have truepeace.
Allow them to experiencediscomfort so that they can
learn and grow through it, andalso practice allowing yourself
to experience that discomfortand learn how to regulate for
(08:51):
yourself so that you can alsolearn and grow.
All right.
Number two, allow discomfortwithout trying to control it.
It is okay if somebody else isupset.
Their discomfort does notnecessarily mean that you are
unsafe, and it definitelydoesn't mean that you are
unlovable.
Yes, your brain may tell youthat it's not safe, but that's
(09:12):
just your brain's way of tryingto keep you safe.
Your primitive mind equatesdiscomfort with a lack of
personal safety.
But just because you'reuncomfortable, it does not mean
you are unsafe.
Instead of rushing to smooththings over, try sitting with
the discomfort and practiceself-soothing instead of people
(09:33):
soothing.
So that might mean taking deepbreaths.
It might mean grounding yourselfwith one hand on your heart and
one hand on your belly.
As you do those breaths, itmight mean journaling on what
you are actually feeling.
Now, just for funsies we'regonna take a few deep breaths
together.
Okay?
So as long as you don't need ahand on a steering wheel right
now, I want you to put one handon your heart and one hand on
(09:53):
your belly.
We're just going to take threebig, deep breaths, okay?
And notice how it shifts yourown energy, okay?
All right.
Here's breath number one, allthe way to the belly and let it
go.
Breath number two, and let itgo.
(10:19):
Breath number three, breathe itin.
And let it go.
Now, just notice how much moregrounded you feel, and that was
just three breaths.
So practice doing things to comeback into your own body, to
practice regulating your ownemotions and allow other people
(10:41):
to do the same.
All right.
Tip number three is investigatewhat it is that you need.
You've become highly attuned towhat everybody else might need.
I want you to take a moment tocheck in and discover what your
current need is.
Shift the spotlight from themback to you.
What are your emotions rightnow?
Can you give them a name, andwhat does that emotion feel like
(11:04):
in your body?
Are you using somebody else'sdiscomfort as a distraction from
your own?
That's what a lot of people do,is we're so uncomfortable with
our own emotions that it feelssafer to manage other people's
right?
But then we become detached fromour own emotions.
So now not only can we notidentify the emotions, but when
you can't even identify theemotion, it makes it really hard
(11:26):
to actually fill the true needthat you have.
So let's just say for example,that your child is really worked
up about an assignment that isdue the next morning and they
haven't even started on it yet.
You might feel the need to jumpin to get all the supplies last
minute to help them to get itdone, and maybe part of you
believes that, well, you knowwhat?
(11:46):
It might reflect poorly on me asa parent if it isn't done on
time, and if it isn't done to mystandard, we might be making it
mean something about us.
But really think about what itis that you really, truly want.
Okay?
Initially we think, I wanna lookgood.
I wanna look like a capableparent.
But underneath that, what mightyou want even more?
(12:06):
More than likely than you want alittle bit more from this
situation, right?
So ask yourself, what is it thatI really want right now?
Do you want this particularassignment to be done on time
into your standard last minute?
Or do you want your child tolearn to be responsible for
their own assignments and fortheir own timelines and
ultimately become a moreresponsible adult?
(12:28):
If that's what it is that youtruly want, then stepping in and
doing the work for them andgetting yourself all worked up
about it, it's actually going toget you further and further from
your long-term goal.
I mean, yeah, it's alwaysuncomfortable to watch your
child struggle, to watch themnot succeed in the way that you
would've liked.
But it's also a very valuablelesson when we allow people to
(12:48):
experience discomfort, that'swhen we allow them to experience
personal growth.
And the same is true for us.
So let yourself experience thatdiscomfort.
Now, I'm not saying abandon yourkid, I'm not saying that at all,
but I do want you to practicethe mantra of"I can be present
for them without absorbing orbeing overly responsible for
(13:09):
their emotions." All right.
Tip number four, nurtureyourself with self-compassion.
Remind yourself I am allowed tofeel okay even if other people
are not feeling okay right now.
You're not being selfish, you'renot abandoning anyone, but
you're just working to find thatpeace within yourself.
So a few affirmations that youmight want to try are,"what's
(13:31):
mine is mine and what's theirsis theirs." Allow yourself to
differentiate what is yours andwhat is theirs to own, and stay
on your side of the line.
Right?
Another affirmation is"I amresponsible for regulating my
emotion.
They are responsible forregulating theirs.""I can
support others without losingmyself in the process.""My
(13:55):
safety and self-worth are notdependent on other people's
moods," and I'm gonna read thatone again because it's so
powerful, really feel into thisone.
"My safety and my self-worth arenot dependent upon other
people's moods." Okay, so hereis your challenge for the week
First.
Next time you notice yourselftrying to fix somebody else's
(14:18):
emotions, just pause.
Okay?
That's your goal.
Just pause before jumping in,we're breaking the cycle of
immediately jumping in.
Okay?
So just notice it right now.
I feel an urge to fix it.
And second, ask yourself, am Idoing this because I can't
tolerate their discomfort orbecause they truly need my help?
In other words, is this reallygoing to be helping?
(14:39):
Or is this going to be enablingand perpetuating my own
discomfort?
And then step three, practiceself-soothing instead of people
soothing.
Stay with you.
Breathe journal.
Ground repeat.
Okay.
Breathe.
Journal, ground, repeat.
So I know that this work is noteasy.
(15:00):
Breaking free from peoplepleasing to self-regulate, it
can feel terrifying at firstbecause you are finally
confronting your feelings.
Your own feelings.
Feelings that you have bottledup for a long time.
Feelings that you've neverwanted to address before.
And so yeah, that can feel alittle bit scary at first, but
every time you choose to tend toyour own emotions and your own
nervous system instead ofmanaging everybody else's, then
(15:23):
you're taking a huge steptowards getting your own power
back.
You do not need everyone else tobe okay in order for you to feel
okay.
Regulating others' emotions isemotional dependency.
It is not peace, and you areallowed to build something that
is much stronger and much morein your control, which is
emotional resilience.
(15:45):
If you would like help andsupport as you learn how to
regulate your emotions as youwork to build up this emotional
resilience, as you work to setboundaries and reconnect with
your sense of self.
I would love to help you.
I'm currently filling up myschedule for fall and I would
love to work with you so you caneither come to my website,
www.maryannwalker.life or clickthe link in the show notes to
apply to work with me now.
(16:05):
I would love to work with you.
And as always, if this episodespoke to you, please share it
with somebody that you thinkwould also benefit from it.
You never know who's trying tohold it all together just
waiting to hear that they canfinally let go.
All right, well, I hope you havea great week and let's talk
soon.
Have a great one.
Bye now.
Well.
Hello and welcome back.
My name is Marianne Walker andI'm the life coach for
recovering people pleasers, andtoday I'm speaking directly to
those who are constantlyscanning the emotional climate
of the room in an attempt tokeep everybody else calm.
And peaceful, hoping that byextension then they will start
to feel calm and peaceful aswell.
Because essentially somewherealong the way they've learned I
(00:20):
am not okay unless my people areokay.
And while that belief may havehelped you to feel safe growing
up, it is exhausting andcompletely unsustainable as an
adult.
So today we're going to betalking about how that belief
shows up for us, what it'scosting you, and how you can
start to shift from controllingother people's emotions to
regulating your own emotions.
(00:41):
Because let's be honest, tryingto control everyone and
everything outside of you is notonly impossible, but it might
actually be exactly what iskeeping you stuck.
So first, why do peoplepleasers, feel personally
responsible for other people'semotions?
There may be several reasons,but a few reasons might be that
maybe as a child you werepraised for being the"easy one"
(01:03):
or the"helper." Maybe you werethe comedic relief.
Maybe you were the"good kid".
You probably learned at an earlyage that being calm, agreeable,
pleasant, and highlyaccommodating is what earned you
love.
Affection, or at the very least,it helped you to avoid conflict,
to not be the target in thehome.
Some of us were raised in homeswhere big emotions, they felt
(01:26):
really dangerous.
Maybe our parents didn't knowhow to regulate their own
emotions, and so it was kind ofscary'cause we didn't know what
was going to happen.
We couldn't trust that mom ordad could keep their cool.
We knew that if they had bigfeelings, it was going to be
impacting us.
So naturally we learned how tomanage other people's emotions.
In a way to keep ourselves safe.
(01:47):
That's how the false belief getsplanted, that if I keep
everybody else happy, then I'llbe safe, then I'll be loved,
then I'll be enough.
But here's the problem with thatis it doesn't actually make you
feel safe or loved.
But it actually keeps youconstantly walking on eggshells
and makes you feel personallyresponsible for other people's
(02:09):
wellbeing.
And this leaves you feelingreally burned out and possibly
even resentful.
Now, not only that, but youmight also be experiencing a lot
of frustration in your life asyou're learning that number one:
you can't actually control howother people think or feel, or
show up no matter howaccommodating you are.
And number two (02:25):
you might actually be perpetuating their
immature behavior as you arepersonally taking on the
emotional load and essentiallychoosing to adopt the role of
regulating their emotions ratherthan managing your own emotions.
Now there is a big cost toliving this way, and so we're
gonna talk about a few of thethings that this pattern costs
(02:47):
you.
First then there's the hypervigilance.
It feels like walking oneggshells.
It feels like constantlyscanning the room and attempting
to read everybody else's bodylanguage, adjusting yourself and
the environment in an attempt tokeep the peace for everybody.
And that can feel a lot likeemotional, whack-a-mole.
Because you never get to rest.
You must be hypervigilant inorder to be safe.
(03:10):
But here's the thing is thenyou're actually perpetuating
your lack of ease because youhave to be on high alert, so
you're on high alert, constantlyscanning the room so that you
can be at peace.
But at the same time, you're notexperiencing peace when you're
doing that.
Make sense?
Alright, so second then there isthe suppression of your own
needs.
You have become so focused onhow other people are doing that
(03:32):
you might not even notice whenit is that your own cup is
empty.
In fact, you might even envythose around you as their needs
are being met.
For example, maybe you see themstretching their body or maybe
going to a sauna for their achesand pains, and you might find
yourself wishing that you couldhave that same opportunity.
Newsflash, you can, but you havetrained yourself to delay
(03:53):
getting your own needs met untileverybody else's needs have been
met.
But then you find yourselfsilently resenting that, ah, I
wish that I could have that.
I wish somebody would show upfor me in that way.
I wish that my needs could alsobe met.
And then third, then there'sthat resentment.
Once you realize that others arenot going to the same lengths
for you that you're going to forthem.
(04:15):
And honestly, how could they,because you've never actually
given them the chance.
So let me share a few practicalexamples so you can kind of see
what this might look like inreal life, and of course, apply
this to your own life.
There's a million examples ofthis, so just kind of get
curious about how it might beshowing up for you.
Example, number one, maybe younotice that your partner's quiet
and withdrawn after work, andrather than just asking them
(04:37):
what they need, then maybeinstead you're jumping into
action.
You're making the dinner, you'recleaning the house, you're
keeping the kids quiet, you'retrying to cheer them up.
And it's not because they askedyou to do these things, but it's
because you are feeling anxiouswhen they are upset.
All right.
Example number two, a friend isgoing through a really hard
(04:57):
time, and so you dropeverything.
You cancel your own plans,you're skipping your own rest so
that you can be their emotionalsupport system.
And when you do this, like it'sokay to do this once or twice,
but this has become a pattern inrelationship, and you're
starting to notice that you'refeeling drained, but you keep
going and you keep showing upbecause you don't want them to
(05:17):
feel alone.
Meanwhile, they're not showingup for you in the way that you
would like.
And you might discover thatwhile you are technically not
alone, because you're spending alot of time with them, you're
actually feeling more alone thanever, and you're recognizing
that this is becoming a patternin your relationship.
All right.
Example number three (05:37):
at work, you notice that your coworker is
really stressed out, so youchoose to stay late to help them
with their project, even thoughyour own deadlines are
suffering.
And maybe you're even tellingyourself that, well, I'm just
being helpful, but really thenyou're trying to manage their
stress so that you will feelmore at ease.
(05:57):
So you're choosing consistentlyto take on a disproportionate
amount of work.
Now, if any of these soundfamiliar, I want you to know
that you're not alone.
When we make our wellbeingconditional upon other people's
wellbeing, we are keepingourselves in limbo.
It's like waking up each day andsaying, well,"I don't know what
kind of a day I'm going to havebecause I don't know what mood
(06:19):
they're going to be in." It'sforfeiting your own power.
It's making you a victim ofother people's moods.
It's shrinking yourself, andthis is crazy making because
there's honestly no way topredict what mood other people
will be in or what it is that'sgoing to set them off that day.
This is why so many peoplepleasers actually become
empaths, and yes, I trulybelieve that you can train
(06:40):
yourself to become an empath.
And many people do because oftrauma, right?
People pleasers believe that,"okay, well, if I can just
become hypersensitive toeverybody around me, if I can
predict the mood, the want, thedesire, the frustration, if I
can meet all of those needs andwants before there's an
emotional upset, then I willnever experience an emotional
(07:01):
upset.
So they attune themselves toothers in an attempt to keep
themselves safe.
But as you know, we can'tactually control other people.
And while we may be somewhataccurate in our assessment of a
situation we cannot possibly doso with 100% accuracy.
There's a lot of wild cards whenyou're hanging everything on
(07:21):
somebody else, right?
The other person, how they showup is out of our control and
placing our wellbeing in thehands of others, it actually
keeps us more on edge ratherthan helping us to actually
regulate our own emotionalwellbeing.
So what do we do instead?
I'm gonna share a few tips withyou.
First, recognize the pattern.
(07:43):
Start by noticing when it isthat you feel the urge to fix
someone else's emotions, and askyourself, am I trying to make
them feel better so that I canfeel better?
Because this is the beginning ofself-awareness and this
awareness, it gives you a choicewhen you are fixing so that you
feel better, then you mayinadvertently be prolonging your
(08:04):
own discomfort.
For example, when you'reconstantly jumping in to help
out your frazzled coworker, thenthey may never actually learn
how to complete a task on theirown within the given timeline.
This means that in an attempt tokeep yourself comfortable, then
you may actually be creatingeven more discomfort for
yourself as you find yourselfstepping in for just one more
project again and again andagain leading to you feeling
(08:28):
drained rather than peaceful.
So recognize that you arestepping in, it may be a pattern
that is causing interference,and then work to break that
cycle so that you can have truepeace.
Allow them to experiencediscomfort so that they can
learn and grow through it, andalso practice allowing yourself
to experience that discomfortand learn how to regulate for
(08:51):
yourself so that you can alsolearn and grow.
All right.
Number two, allow discomfortwithout trying to control it.
It is okay if somebody else isupset.
Their discomfort does notnecessarily mean that you are
unsafe, and it definitelydoesn't mean that you are
unlovable.
Yes, your brain may tell youthat it's not safe, but that's
(09:12):
just your brain's way of tryingto keep you safe.
Your primitive mind equatesdiscomfort with a lack of
personal safety.
But just because you'reuncomfortable, it does not mean
you are unsafe.
Instead of rushing to smooththings over, try sitting with
the discomfort and practiceself-soothing instead of people
(09:33):
soothing.
So that might mean taking deepbreaths.
It might mean grounding yourselfwith one hand on your heart and
one hand on your belly.
As you do those breaths, itmight mean journaling on what
you are actually feeling.
Now, just for funsies we'regonna take a few deep breaths
together.
Okay?
So as long as you don't need ahand on a steering wheel right
now, I want you to put one handon your heart and one hand on
(09:53):
your belly.
We're just going to take threebig, deep breaths, okay?
And notice how it shifts yourown energy, okay?
All right.
Here's breath number one, allthe way to the belly and let it
go.
Breath number two, and let itgo.
(10:19):
Breath number three, breathe itin.
And let it go.
Now, just notice how much moregrounded you feel, and that was
just three breaths.
So practice doing things to comeback into your own body, to
practice regulating your ownemotions and allow other people
(10:41):
to do the same.
All right.
Tip number three is investigatewhat it is that you need.
You've become highly attuned towhat everybody else might need.
I want you to take a moment tocheck in and discover what your
current need is.
Shift the spotlight from themback to you.
What are your emotions rightnow?
Can you give them a name, andwhat does that emotion feel like
(11:04):
in your body?
Are you using somebody else'sdiscomfort as a distraction from
your own?
That's what a lot of people do,is we're so uncomfortable with
our own emotions that it feelssafer to manage other people's
right?
But then we become detached fromour own emotions.
So now not only can we notidentify the emotions, but when
you can't even identify theemotion, it makes it really hard
(11:26):
to actually fill the true needthat you have.
So let's just say for example,that your child is really worked
up about an assignment that isdue the next morning and they
haven't even started on it yet.
You might feel the need to jumpin to get all the supplies last
minute to help them to get itdone, and maybe part of you
believes that, well, you knowwhat?
(11:46):
It might reflect poorly on me asa parent if it isn't done on
time, and if it isn't done to mystandard, we might be making it
mean something about us.
But really think about what itis that you really, truly want.
Okay?
Initially we think, I wanna lookgood.
I wanna look like a capableparent.
But underneath that, what mightyou want even more?
(12:06):
More than likely than you want alittle bit more from this
situation, right?
So ask yourself, what is it thatI really want right now?
Do you want this particularassignment to be done on time
into your standard last minute?
Or do you want your child tolearn to be responsible for
their own assignments and fortheir own timelines and
ultimately become a moreresponsible adult?
(12:28):
If that's what it is that youtruly want, then stepping in and
doing the work for them andgetting yourself all worked up
about it, it's actually going toget you further and further from
your long-term goal.
I mean, yeah, it's alwaysuncomfortable to watch your
child struggle, to watch themnot succeed in the way that you
would've liked.
But it's also a very valuablelesson when we allow people to
(12:48):
experience discomfort, that'swhen we allow them to experience
personal growth.
And the same is true for us.
So let yourself experience thatdiscomfort.
Now, I'm not saying abandon yourkid, I'm not saying that at all,
but I do want you to practicethe mantra of"I can be present
for them without absorbing orbeing overly responsible for
(13:09):
their emotions." All right.
Tip number four, nurtureyourself with self-compassion.
Remind yourself I am allowed tofeel okay even if other people
are not feeling okay right now.
You're not being selfish, you'renot abandoning anyone, but
you're just working to find thatpeace within yourself.
So a few affirmations that youmight want to try are,"what's
(13:31):
mine is mine and what's theirsis theirs." Allow yourself to
differentiate what is yours andwhat is theirs to own, and stay
on your side of the line.
Right?
Another affirmation is"I amresponsible for regulating my
emotion.
They are responsible forregulating theirs.""I can
support others without losingmyself in the process.""My
(13:55):
safety and self-worth are notdependent on other people's
moods," and I'm gonna read thatone again because it's so
powerful, really feel into thisone.
"My safety and my self-worth arenot dependent upon other
people's moods." Okay, so hereis your challenge for the week
First.
Next time you notice yourselftrying to fix somebody else's
(14:18):
emotions, just pause.
Okay?
That's your goal.
Just pause before jumping in,we're breaking the cycle of
immediately jumping in.
Okay?
So just notice it right now.
I feel an urge to fix it.
And second, ask yourself, am Idoing this because I can't
tolerate their discomfort orbecause they truly need my help?
In other words, is this reallygoing to be helping?
(14:39):
Or is this going to be enablingand perpetuating my own
discomfort?
And then step three, practiceself-soothing instead of people
soothing.
Stay with you.
Breathe journal.
Ground repeat.
Okay.
Breathe.
Journal, ground, repeat.
So I know that this work is noteasy.
(15:00):
Breaking free from peoplepleasing to self-regulate, it
can feel terrifying at firstbecause you are finally
confronting your feelings.
Your own feelings.
Feelings that you have bottledup for a long time.
Feelings that you've neverwanted to address before.
And so yeah, that can feel alittle bit scary at first, but
every time you choose to tend toyour own emotions and your own
nervous system instead ofmanaging everybody else's, then
(15:23):
you're taking a huge steptowards getting your own power
back.
You do not need everyone else tobe okay in order for you to feel
okay.
Regulating others' emotions isemotional dependency.
It is not peace, and you areallowed to build something that
is much stronger and much morein your control, which is
emotional resilience.
(15:45):
If you would like help andsupport as you learn how to
regulate your emotions as youwork to build up this emotional
resilience, as you work to setboundaries and reconnect with
your sense of self.
I would love to help you.
I'm currently filling up myschedule for fall and I would
love to work with you so you caneither come to my website,
www.maryannwalker.life or clickthe link in the show notes to
apply to work with me now.
(16:05):
I would love to work with you.
And as always, if this episodespoke to you, please share it
with somebody that you thinkwould also benefit from it.
You never know who's trying tohold it all together just
waiting to hear that they canfinally let go.
All right, well, I hope you havea great week and let's talk
soon.
Have a great one.
Bye now.
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