August 28, 2025 • 21 mins
Trauma Bonds: Why They’re So Hard to Spot, Why They Feel Addictive, and How to Break Free for Good
If you’ve ever wondered “Am I in a trauma bond?” or found yourself walking on eggshells, feeling extreme emotions in a relationship, and clinging to the hope things will go back to how they “used to be,” this episode is for you. We’ll explore how people pleasing as a trauma response can deepen trauma bonding and keep you trapped in toxic relationship patterns.
You’ll learn the difference between a toxic relationship vs trauma bond, and how trauma bonds often develop through love bombing, devaluing, discard, and sporadic reinforcement. We’ll also talk about the role of anxious attachment, why leaving can feel impossible, and exactly how to break free of a trauma bond so you can reclaim your peace and self-worth.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
💛 What a trauma bond really is and how it’s formed
💛 The “slot machine effect” and why sporadic reinforcement keeps you hooked
💛 How trauma bonds amplify people pleasing and self-abandonment
💛 The repeating cycle of love bombing, devaluing, and discard
💛 Common signs you may be trauma bonded (and how to tell)
💛 Why walking on eggshells becomes the norm in trauma-bonded relationships
💛 How anxious attachment fuels the cycle
💛 The truth about healthy love versus conditional, inconsistent attention
Challenge for the Week
Pay attention to your relationship patterns. Do the highs feel intoxicating while the lows drag on endlessly? Are you ignoring your own needs to keep someone else happy? Notice if your emotions swing from extreme highs to crushing lows. Write down your observations without judgment—awareness is the first step to change.
Work With Me
If you’re ready to stop asking “Am I trauma bonded?” and start breaking free from the cycle, I’d love to support you. In coaching, we’ll work together to untangle the patterns keeping you stuck and help you create relationships that feel safe, balanced, and mutually fulfilling. Click here to book your free clarity call: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
Don’t Forget to Subscribe
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Connect with me!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MaryAnn Walker (2) (00:00):
welcome back.
(00:00):
My name is Maryanne Walker and Ihelp recovering people pleasers,
find more balance and peace intheir relationships.
And one problem that I see allthe time in my practice is
people who are pouring more andmore and more of themselves into
others thinking, well, if I canjust do all the right things, if
I can be selfless enough,forgiving enough, mindful
enough, then my relationshipswill be happy and healthy.
MaryAnn Walker (00:21):
But while they're giving their whole self
to a relationship, then they maybe starting to notice that they
may or may not be getting backthe bare minimum in return.
But because there was a timewhen things were amazing, then
they stay hoping that thatamazingness will return.
And maybe this is you.
Maybe you find yourself sayingthings like, well, all
relationships have theirstruggles.
(00:41):
They just need my support rightnow.
And once their cup is full, thenthey'll have the capacity to
meet my needs.
And you're right that allrelationships have their
struggles, but when we're traumabonded to somebody else, then
it's not just a phase, it's thenew normal.
So in a trauma bondedrelationship, then you may
discover that it seems thatyou're doing absolutely
everything to keep them afloatwhile you yourself are sinking.
(01:03):
And when other people point outto you that, hey, you just don't
seem as happy as you used to be.
You might even tell them thatyou're just really committed to
making this work.
You believe in sticking it outthrough the hard times to prove
your love and your devotion tothem.
And yes, all relationships havetheir struggles, and we
shouldn't abandon ship at thefirst sign of a struggle.
That's not what I'm saying here,but when it starts to seem like
(01:23):
you are not just beingself-sacrificing but abandoning
self, then that's when it's timeto get real about what might be
going on for you.
Now, if this sounds a little bittoo familiar, then you, my
friend, you might beexperiencing a trauma bond and
you're exactly who I'm speakingto today.
Today we're gonna be breakingdown exactly what a trauma bond
is, how it can amplify yourpeople pleasing tendencies and
(01:44):
why holding onto hope thatthings are going to change might
be the very thing that iskeeping you stuck in a toxic
relationship.
So first, let's define what atrauma bond is.
A trauma bond is a really strongemotional attachment to somebody
who is just intermittently orsporadically offering you love
and care in return.
So they're sporadically kind,but they can also, in addition
(02:06):
to being kind, they can also bevery harmful, neglectful, or
dismissive of your experience.
And because their love is sosporadic, you never know what it
is that you're going to get.
It feels very unpredictable,which can be crazy making,
honestly, And that's exactlywhat makes a trauma bond
especially confusing, is thatit's not always harmful,
neglectful, or dismissive.
(02:26):
In fact, in the beginning of therelationship as well as probably
sporadically throughout therelationship, usually after a
fight, then they just seem to bethe most amazing person on the
planet.
And then that's whenrelationship feels so
incredible, and it's these highsthat make you stick around when
the low lows come around.
But over time, then the highsbecome shorter and further
(02:47):
apart.
While the hard times really seemto drag on and on and on with no
end in sight.
And you might stay because youknow that they have the
potential to make you feelamazing.
You know that they have thepotential to show up well
because they have in the past.
But right now.
They just aren't.
And since you know that they'recapable of showing up well, then
you assume at this point that,well, they just need a little
(03:09):
more help.
They just need a little support.
This isn't who they actuallyare, and so you keep showing up
for them more and more and more.
While they might be showing upfor you less and less over time.
And the good moments, there seemto be just enough of them that
they keep you holding on.
So you're holding on just hopingthat things will go back to the
way it was in the beginning.
(03:30):
It is a lot like a slot machine.
You keep pulling the lever againand again, never knowing when or
if you're going to get thatpayout.
And probably because at onepoint you did get a really big
payout, then you keep thinking,okay, but I can do it again.
It happened once.
I can do it again.
And when you're really in atrauma bond, it really can feel
a lot like an addiction.
So it is like that slot machine,right?
(03:51):
Your brain wants to startassociating unpredictability and
excitement with hope.
So you remember that"okay.
Well, the one time I got thatpayout, then I was at that slot
machine and it was 2:03 and Iwas wearing this outfit." And so
we try to recreate the perfectsituation, all the perfect
circumstances so that we canreplicate that big payout.
(04:11):
But just like with the slotmachine, the odds of losing are
significantly greater than theodds of you winning.
And that's just how gamblingworks, right?
But there's always that hopethat the more you put in, the
more quarters you put in, themore times you pull that slot,
the closer you get to winning.
And we tell ourselves that samestory with trauma bonding.
So trauma bonding.
(04:32):
Then it follows the samepattern.
Love bomb devaluation anddiscard, and it's all
intermingled with sporadicreinforcement.
So let's kind of break it down abit.
So love bombing.
This is when you feel absolutelyamazing.
This is when you're winning.
This is when you're getting thepayout, and probably you only
needed to invest a tiny bit toget this huge payout.
So it feels incredible.
(04:53):
It feels life changing.
They're kind, they're attentive,they're complimentary, and they
make you feel like you are thebest version of yourself.
And this is the stage wherethere may be gifts, words of
affirmation, compliments, actsof service.
You're getting all of it at onceand it is intoxicating.
So this stage, then it usuallyshows up in the beginning of the
relationship, or it might showup occasionally, probably after
(05:14):
a fight when they're trying towin you back, but it feels so
intoxicating and so amazing.
And it's when you're being lovebombed, that you start to wonder
like, okay, well why did I evenquestion them?
This is so amazing.
They're now back to the absolutebest version of themselves, and
they make you feel like you arethe best version of yourself
too.
And then comes the devaluing.
(05:34):
This is when your wants andneeds start to be minimized, and
it doesn't matter if it's apositive or a negative thing
that's going on for you, butyou're going to feel devalued
and minimized at this point.
So for example, maybe you sharedsomething that they did that
hurt you, Hey, this really hurtmy feelings.
Can we talk about it?
And instead of taking ownership,instead of offering an apology,
instead they might flip itaround to you.
(05:56):
They might tell you that you aretoo sensitive, you're reading
too much into it.
It's not that big of a deal.
You need help.
You should probably go totherapy.
They tell you that it's yourproblem rather than taking
ownership of the impact of theiractions.
Or maybe you're celebrating abig promotion at work and
instead of celebrating with you,then they might minimize all of
the hard work that it took youto get there.
(06:18):
They might warn you that, oh,well, don't let it go to your
head.
Oh, well this is never gonnahappen again.
You better really be on yourbest behavior because I can't
believe they gave you thatposition.
They just really are kind ofminimizing your experience.
Or maybe you share with themthat you've just had a really
hard day instead of just sittingwith you and letting you have a
hard day.
Instead, then they try to one upyou with how much worse their
(06:39):
day was than yours.
And this does two things.
It leaves you feeling guilty forstruggling in the first place,
and it also leaves you feelingpersonally responsible for doing
even more for them because nowyou can see and understand that
they must have it way worse thanI do.
So now when you're alreadyhaving a hard day, you're now
responsible for helping somebodyelse out.
And yeah, occasionally this canbe, okay, this is relationship
(07:02):
is prioritizing who has the mostsignificant need right now, but
I'm not talking about thesenormal behaviors.
In a trauma bonded relationship,this isn't occasionally trying
to figure out who's having theroughest day, but this is now a
pattern in behavior.
So when this is happening, youmight find that you just quit
sharing anything with them.
You don't want to share anymorewith them about your weight loss
success, or about thatcompliment that you received
(07:24):
when you're out on the town, youno longer want to share about
your challenges because you canno longer trust that you're
going to get the love, support,or encouragement that you're
needing in that moment.
And all of that leads to thediscard.
This is when their attention hasnow shifted elsewhere.
It shifted to another person oranother situation.
(07:45):
You are not as importantanymore.
And you find yourself beingpushed to the back burner while
other people and priorities arenow their focus.
You're left in the waiting placeand in that waiting place, then
you keep hoping that things willturn around and that one day
you'll be appreciated and lovedagain.
And the thing is, nobody likesbeing in the waiting place.
In fact, I'm gonna read a littleclip to you from the book.
(08:07):
Oh, the Places You'll Go by Dr.
Seuss, because he's talkingabout the waiting place and what
that can feel like.
So I just wanna read a littlebit of that to you.
Waiting for a train to go or abus to come, or a plane to go,
or the mail to come, or the rainto go, or the phone to ring.
Or the snow to snow or waitingaround for a yes or a no or
waiting around for their hair togrow.
(08:28):
Everyone is just waiting,waiting for the fish to bite or
waiting for wind to fly a kiteor waiting around for a Friday
night or waiting perhaps fortheir Uncle Jake, or a pot to
boil, or a better break, or astring of pearls or a pair of
pants, or a wig of curls, oranother chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
But in the case with traumabonding, it's you who's doing
(08:52):
the waiting and making excusesfor them while you're in that
waiting place.
So you're waiting for them to bein a better head space so that
they can really sit with you.
You're waiting for their projectto wrap up at work.
You're waiting for their stressto be less.
You're waiting for theircircumstances to change.
You're waiting for them to beable to show up for you.
And this cycle, it can happenanywhere.
It can happen in romanticrelationships and friendships
(09:14):
and family dynamics.
It can happen in the workplace.
It can even happen in religiousor spiritual communities.
And when it's happening, it'sreally common to gaslight
yourself, to tell yourself,well, it's not that bad and they
didn't mean it.
They're just really goingthrough something right now.
And so that hope keeps thatcycle continuing.
We have come to identify themwith the really short windows of
(09:37):
love bombing when they areshowing up as their best self.
We think that's who they reallyare.
And so we make excuses for howthey're showing up throughout
the rest of that cycle.
And it makes sense because theversion of them when they were
showing up as their best self,that's the version that we fell
in love with.
But here's another hard truth isit's often the people pleasers
that find themselves in thesetrauma bonded relationships.
(09:59):
Many people pleasers end up intrauma bonds without even
realizing it.
Because somewhere along the waythey were conditioned to believe
that love needs to be earned.
It needs to be earned througheffort, earned through
self-sacrifice, earned bykeeping the peace at all costs,
even if that cost is yourself.
For some people pleasing hasbeen a huge part of their
identity for as long as they canremember, and for other people,
(10:23):
then they don't fully notice howdeep the people pleasing runs
for them until they landthemselves into a trauma bonded
relationship.
They may have previously beenpretty good at boundaries, but
now that they're in a traumabonded relationship, those
boundaries have gone out thewindow.
And the most important thing hasbeen making the other person
happy so that they can stay inthat happy love bombing stage.
(10:43):
And the reason for this isbecause trauma bonds create the
perfect atmosphere to bringthose people pleasing and
self-sacrificing tendencies tothe surface.
And this means that instead ofrecognizing,"now wait a second,
my needs aren't being met inthis relationship," then people
pleasers only see how otherpeople's needs aren't being met.
The only way that people pleaserknows how to get their own needs
(11:05):
met or have their own emotionsregulated is by making other
people happy.
So when they find themselves ina trauma bond, then they really
double down on this peoplepleasing.
They become even moreaccommodating, more
understanding, more selfless,more helpful, and more
forgiving, all in the hopes thattheir loyalty and devotion will
inspire the other person tofinally step up and give them,
(11:27):
well something, anything inreturn.
And when they do get somebreadcrumbs in return, then they
treat those breadcrumbs like afeast.
But nobody can survive onbreadcrumbs alone.
Now remember, trauma bonds are alot like slot machines.
They run on sporadicreinforcement, and this means
that you never know when or ifthat payout will come.
(11:50):
And with sporadic reinforcement,then the opposite of what you
want to have happen is what endsup happening.
You are giving more, but you'regetting less.
And the more you chase thoserare moments of connection, the
stronger your bond to them andthe stronger your devotion to
them comes.
And while you're feeling moreinvested in a relationship, the
other person, they seem to besignificantly less invested.
(12:13):
You're no longer a priority.
And the reason for this isbecause we naturally feel most
connected to the people and therelationships that we're
intentionally investing into.
The more time, energy, andemotions that you're pouring
into someone, the more yourbrain clings to the idea that
this must be worth it.
This investment must be worthit.
I am going to get a return onthis investment.
(12:36):
So you keep investing hopingthat this will finally be the
moment that they finally giveyou the love and the care and
the appreciation that you'vebeen waiting for.
But in trauma bonds, thosemoments are rare.
And you are giving, it onlydeepens your insecure attachment
to them, not their level ofinvestment.
So let's kind of revisit andreview a little bit about what
(12:57):
the trauma bond cycle lookslike.
So it starts with the lovebombing stage, right?
This is in the beginning orsometimes after a conflict.
When they're showering you withlove and affection, attention
promises, they're showering youwith all of the things that
you've been seeking.
This is when the gifts show up,the flowers, the apologies, the
passion, the incredible wordsabout how much it is that you
mean to them, and it feelsamazing.
(13:19):
Like they are finally seeing youfor you again, like you're
finally safe and loved.
They're back to the best versionof themselves, and at this
point, your investment has paidoff.
And in that moment, it's reallyeasy to believe that this is the
real version of them and thateverything is going to be okay
now.
And then comes the devaluing.
That warmth has faded, andsuddenly you're being met with
(13:40):
criticism, coldness, orunpredictability.
It starts to seem like theycan't be with you in your joy or
in your pain, and you might hearcomments like,"it's not that big
of a deal.
You're bringing this up again.
Why do you keep choosing to livein the past?
You're so needy.
Why are you always wanting me toreassure and validate you?
That's what your coach is for."And those comments can feel so
(14:01):
dismissive and disorienting,especially after the intensity
of the love bombing.
And when this happens, you mightfind yourself wondering what
happened?
What did I do wrong?
And not only what did I dowrong, but you're also
wondering, what can I do to fixthis?
And then comes the discard.
They pull away.
They're leaving you feelingabandoned, anxious, and
(14:22):
absolutely desperate to fixthings.
And sometimes this withdraw iseven intentional where there's
silence or their avoidance ofyou, it's meant to trigger you
into investing more.
It's meant to trigger you toapologize, to make them feel
better, or to takeresponsibility for the problems
that might not even be yours toown.
I mean, yes, I believe thateverything is co-created and so
(14:43):
there is probably a piece foryou to own in this situation.
But in the case of a traumabond, then your part in the
conflict, it might actually bevery small, but since you're the
kind and empathetic and amazingperson that you are, since
you're so self-reflective, thenyou know that you do have a part
to own.
And so because you can see thesliver of truthfulness of what
it is that they have to say, youdo feel personally responsible.
(15:07):
So suddenly you're bending overbackwards to try to make things
right.
And the goal here, whether theyrealize it or not, it is to make
you fall in line so they don'thave to take ownership
themselves.
And then through all of this isa sprinkling of sporadic
reinforcement.
The good moment returnstemporarily.
You get a breadcrumb here orthere, a smile, a compliment, a
(15:27):
kind word.
And at this moment then you doactually breathe a sigh of
relief.
You start telling yourself,okay, that was just a rough
patch and now it's over.
Thank goodness the person I fellin love with, they're finally
back.
Now we can get back to"normal."And with that sporadic
reinforcement comes a wave ofrelief of hope that it's finally
over, that they're back.
(15:48):
And there may even be a rush oflove in that moment, one that
temporarily erases the pain fromall of the moments that came
before it.
The problem is that you neverknow when the next good moment
will come.
So your brain is constantly inhigh alert.
It's constantly scanning forsigns.
It's constantly scanning forsigns that you're okay and
constantly scanning for signsthat things are not okay.
(16:11):
And your brain is working harderand harder at this point to
bring back all of those positiveemotions all while trying
desperately to make them happyand avoid anything that might
set them off.
So for a brief moment, yournervous system is saying, ah,
everything's fine.
It's going to be okay now.
But if it's true thateverything's gonna be okay, why
(16:31):
do you still feel like you'rewalking on eggshells?
Why is your anxiety still sohigh right now?
Why is your mind telling you,oh, be careful.
Don't mess this up again, andthen that's what happens as the
cycle repeats itself over andover again.
So here are some signs that youmight be in a trauma bond.
You feel the constant need toprove yourself.
(16:52):
You're always proving your love,proving that you're sorry,
proving that they matter to you.
And meanwhile, they're doingvery little to prove the same to
you.
But they might actually betrying to prove to you that you
are the broken one.
That you are the problem, thatyou are the one that needs
fixing, that they aren't toblame.
This is a you problem.
Number two, you're ignoring yourown needs in order to keep them
(17:15):
happy.
It doesn't matter if you'retired, sick, or struggling
yourself.
Their needs always come first.
You believe that if you don'tkeep them happy, then they might
pull away again.
You might become the target.
You might have to fix it againand fixing it again just
requires so much energy for youbecause your needs aren't
getting met.
You're so tired.
So it just is easier to justkeep them happy, even at the
(17:38):
cost of your own self.
Your nervous system isconstantly in overdrive, but
because you've been conditionedto believe that your needs don't
matter than the only way toregulate your own nervous system
is to regulate them.
And if you do a really good jobof that, then maybe you'll find
some peace.
You feel anxious when they'reupset with you.
Their behavior is completelyunpredictable, and so you end up
(17:59):
feeling like you're constantlywalking on eggshells, constantly
trying to prevent the nextblowup, even though you never
really know what might triggerthem next.
You make excuses for theirbehavior.
You tell yourself,"well, they'rejust stressed, they're tired.
They're going through a lotright now." Their emotional
state takes the top priority,which means that your emotional
(18:19):
state, it keeps getting pushedaside even by you.
So now you are minimizing yourown wants and needs and emotions
in relationship, in an effort tokeep the peace.
You feel both desperate to leaveand terrified to lose them.
Trauma bonds can feel like anaddiction.
You're constantly looking forthat next hit.
(18:39):
You're constantly looking forthat love bomb.
You know that this relationshipisn't healthy for you, but also
the thought of leaving itabsolutely terrifies you.
And that fear, it might not evenbe anything that you've ever
really put into words before,but you can't deny that there's
a lot of fear and anxiety bothover staying and over leaving.
Now, if you recognize that youmight be in a trauma bonded
(19:01):
relationship, I want you to knowit's not because you're weak.
It is because you've beenconditioned, possibly for years,
to believe that this is whatlove looks like.
That love looks like intenseemotions, intense highs and
intense lows, and that beingwilling to ride the toxic wave
again and again and again withjust a few good moments here and
there is how you demonstrateyour love for the other person.
(19:23):
But I want you to know that loveisn't sporadic.
Love is constant, love is kind,love is considerate.
And love wants what is best forboth of you.
And love it never wants to hurt,devalue, or minimize the other.
Healthy love doesn't require youto abandon yourself in order to
(19:43):
keep it.
Your worth isn't measured by howmuch you can endure from other
people or how perfectly you canplease other people.
No matter what it is that theysay, it is not your fault.
Now if you're starting to wonderwhether you might be in a trauma
bond or if you already know thatyou're in a trauma bond and
you're finally ready to breakfree, I would love to help you
to reclaim your sense ofself-worth.
(20:03):
Together we can untangle thepatterns that are keeping you
stuck and help you to buildrelationships that feel safe,
balanced, and mutuallyfulfilling.
If you're curious about whethercoaching might be able to help
you with this, then click thelink in the show notes to book
your free clarity call.
On this free call, we can take alook at your relationships and
see how coaching might be ableto help you to create more
balance, peace, and self trust.
(20:25):
You are worthy of love,consistency, and reciprocation,
and I can show you how.
All right, I hope you have agreat week and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
welcome back.
(00:00):
My name is Maryanne Walker and Ihelp recovering people pleasers,
find more balance and peace intheir relationships.
And one problem that I see allthe time in my practice is
people who are pouring more andmore and more of themselves into
others thinking, well, if I canjust do all the right things, if
I can be selfless enough,forgiving enough, mindful
enough, then my relationshipswill be happy and healthy.
MaryAnn Walker (00:21):
But while they're giving their whole self
to a relationship, then they maybe starting to notice that they
may or may not be getting backthe bare minimum in return.
But because there was a timewhen things were amazing, then
they stay hoping that thatamazingness will return.
And maybe this is you.
Maybe you find yourself sayingthings like, well, all
relationships have theirstruggles.
(00:41):
They just need my support rightnow.
And once their cup is full, thenthey'll have the capacity to
meet my needs.
And you're right that allrelationships have their
struggles, but when we're traumabonded to somebody else, then
it's not just a phase, it's thenew normal.
So in a trauma bondedrelationship, then you may
discover that it seems thatyou're doing absolutely
everything to keep them afloatwhile you yourself are sinking.
(01:03):
And when other people point outto you that, hey, you just don't
seem as happy as you used to be.
You might even tell them thatyou're just really committed to
making this work.
You believe in sticking it outthrough the hard times to prove
your love and your devotion tothem.
And yes, all relationships havetheir struggles, and we
shouldn't abandon ship at thefirst sign of a struggle.
That's not what I'm saying here,but when it starts to seem like
(01:23):
you are not just beingself-sacrificing but abandoning
self, then that's when it's timeto get real about what might be
going on for you.
Now, if this sounds a little bittoo familiar, then you, my
friend, you might beexperiencing a trauma bond and
you're exactly who I'm speakingto today.
Today we're gonna be breakingdown exactly what a trauma bond
is, how it can amplify yourpeople pleasing tendencies and
(01:44):
why holding onto hope thatthings are going to change might
be the very thing that iskeeping you stuck in a toxic
relationship.
So first, let's define what atrauma bond is.
A trauma bond is a really strongemotional attachment to somebody
who is just intermittently orsporadically offering you love
and care in return.
So they're sporadically kind,but they can also, in addition
(02:06):
to being kind, they can also bevery harmful, neglectful, or
dismissive of your experience.
And because their love is sosporadic, you never know what it
is that you're going to get.
It feels very unpredictable,which can be crazy making,
honestly, And that's exactlywhat makes a trauma bond
especially confusing, is thatit's not always harmful,
neglectful, or dismissive.
(02:26):
In fact, in the beginning of therelationship as well as probably
sporadically throughout therelationship, usually after a
fight, then they just seem to bethe most amazing person on the
planet.
And then that's whenrelationship feels so
incredible, and it's these highsthat make you stick around when
the low lows come around.
But over time, then the highsbecome shorter and further
(02:47):
apart.
While the hard times really seemto drag on and on and on with no
end in sight.
And you might stay because youknow that they have the
potential to make you feelamazing.
You know that they have thepotential to show up well
because they have in the past.
But right now.
They just aren't.
And since you know that they'recapable of showing up well, then
you assume at this point that,well, they just need a little
(03:09):
more help.
They just need a little support.
This isn't who they actuallyare, and so you keep showing up
for them more and more and more.
While they might be showing upfor you less and less over time.
And the good moments, there seemto be just enough of them that
they keep you holding on.
So you're holding on just hopingthat things will go back to the
way it was in the beginning.
(03:30):
It is a lot like a slot machine.
You keep pulling the lever againand again, never knowing when or
if you're going to get thatpayout.
And probably because at onepoint you did get a really big
payout, then you keep thinking,okay, but I can do it again.
It happened once.
I can do it again.
And when you're really in atrauma bond, it really can feel
a lot like an addiction.
So it is like that slot machine,right?
(03:51):
Your brain wants to startassociating unpredictability and
excitement with hope.
So you remember that"okay.
Well, the one time I got thatpayout, then I was at that slot
machine and it was 2:03 and Iwas wearing this outfit." And so
we try to recreate the perfectsituation, all the perfect
circumstances so that we canreplicate that big payout.
(04:11):
But just like with the slotmachine, the odds of losing are
significantly greater than theodds of you winning.
And that's just how gamblingworks, right?
But there's always that hopethat the more you put in, the
more quarters you put in, themore times you pull that slot,
the closer you get to winning.
And we tell ourselves that samestory with trauma bonding.
So trauma bonding.
(04:32):
Then it follows the samepattern.
Love bomb devaluation anddiscard, and it's all
intermingled with sporadicreinforcement.
So let's kind of break it down abit.
So love bombing.
This is when you feel absolutelyamazing.
This is when you're winning.
This is when you're getting thepayout, and probably you only
needed to invest a tiny bit toget this huge payout.
So it feels incredible.
(04:53):
It feels life changing.
They're kind, they're attentive,they're complimentary, and they
make you feel like you are thebest version of yourself.
And this is the stage wherethere may be gifts, words of
affirmation, compliments, actsof service.
You're getting all of it at onceand it is intoxicating.
So this stage, then it usuallyshows up in the beginning of the
relationship, or it might showup occasionally, probably after
(05:14):
a fight when they're trying towin you back, but it feels so
intoxicating and so amazing.
And it's when you're being lovebombed, that you start to wonder
like, okay, well why did I evenquestion them?
This is so amazing.
They're now back to the absolutebest version of themselves, and
they make you feel like you arethe best version of yourself
too.
And then comes the devaluing.
(05:34):
This is when your wants andneeds start to be minimized, and
it doesn't matter if it's apositive or a negative thing
that's going on for you, butyou're going to feel devalued
and minimized at this point.
So for example, maybe you sharedsomething that they did that
hurt you, Hey, this really hurtmy feelings.
Can we talk about it?
And instead of taking ownership,instead of offering an apology,
instead they might flip itaround to you.
(05:56):
They might tell you that you aretoo sensitive, you're reading
too much into it.
It's not that big of a deal.
You need help.
You should probably go totherapy.
They tell you that it's yourproblem rather than taking
ownership of the impact of theiractions.
Or maybe you're celebrating abig promotion at work and
instead of celebrating with you,then they might minimize all of
the hard work that it took youto get there.
(06:18):
They might warn you that, oh,well, don't let it go to your
head.
Oh, well this is never gonnahappen again.
You better really be on yourbest behavior because I can't
believe they gave you thatposition.
They just really are kind ofminimizing your experience.
Or maybe you share with themthat you've just had a really
hard day instead of just sittingwith you and letting you have a
hard day.
Instead, then they try to one upyou with how much worse their
(06:39):
day was than yours.
And this does two things.
It leaves you feeling guilty forstruggling in the first place,
and it also leaves you feelingpersonally responsible for doing
even more for them because nowyou can see and understand that
they must have it way worse thanI do.
So now when you're alreadyhaving a hard day, you're now
responsible for helping somebodyelse out.
And yeah, occasionally this canbe, okay, this is relationship
(07:02):
is prioritizing who has the mostsignificant need right now, but
I'm not talking about thesenormal behaviors.
In a trauma bonded relationship,this isn't occasionally trying
to figure out who's having theroughest day, but this is now a
pattern in behavior.
So when this is happening, youmight find that you just quit
sharing anything with them.
You don't want to share anymorewith them about your weight loss
success, or about thatcompliment that you received
(07:24):
when you're out on the town, youno longer want to share about
your challenges because you canno longer trust that you're
going to get the love, support,or encouragement that you're
needing in that moment.
And all of that leads to thediscard.
This is when their attention hasnow shifted elsewhere.
It shifted to another person oranother situation.
(07:45):
You are not as importantanymore.
And you find yourself beingpushed to the back burner while
other people and priorities arenow their focus.
You're left in the waiting placeand in that waiting place, then
you keep hoping that things willturn around and that one day
you'll be appreciated and lovedagain.
And the thing is, nobody likesbeing in the waiting place.
In fact, I'm gonna read a littleclip to you from the book.
(08:07):
Oh, the Places You'll Go by Dr.
Seuss, because he's talkingabout the waiting place and what
that can feel like.
So I just wanna read a littlebit of that to you.
Waiting for a train to go or abus to come, or a plane to go,
or the mail to come, or the rainto go, or the phone to ring.
Or the snow to snow or waitingaround for a yes or a no or
waiting around for their hair togrow.
(08:28):
Everyone is just waiting,waiting for the fish to bite or
waiting for wind to fly a kiteor waiting around for a Friday
night or waiting perhaps fortheir Uncle Jake, or a pot to
boil, or a better break, or astring of pearls or a pair of
pants, or a wig of curls, oranother chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
But in the case with traumabonding, it's you who's doing
(08:52):
the waiting and making excusesfor them while you're in that
waiting place.
So you're waiting for them to bein a better head space so that
they can really sit with you.
You're waiting for their projectto wrap up at work.
You're waiting for their stressto be less.
You're waiting for theircircumstances to change.
You're waiting for them to beable to show up for you.
And this cycle, it can happenanywhere.
It can happen in romanticrelationships and friendships
(09:14):
and family dynamics.
It can happen in the workplace.
It can even happen in religiousor spiritual communities.
And when it's happening, it'sreally common to gaslight
yourself, to tell yourself,well, it's not that bad and they
didn't mean it.
They're just really goingthrough something right now.
And so that hope keeps thatcycle continuing.
We have come to identify themwith the really short windows of
(09:37):
love bombing when they areshowing up as their best self.
We think that's who they reallyare.
And so we make excuses for howthey're showing up throughout
the rest of that cycle.
And it makes sense because theversion of them when they were
showing up as their best self,that's the version that we fell
in love with.
But here's another hard truth isit's often the people pleasers
that find themselves in thesetrauma bonded relationships.
(09:59):
Many people pleasers end up intrauma bonds without even
realizing it.
Because somewhere along the waythey were conditioned to believe
that love needs to be earned.
It needs to be earned througheffort, earned through
self-sacrifice, earned bykeeping the peace at all costs,
even if that cost is yourself.
For some people pleasing hasbeen a huge part of their
identity for as long as they canremember, and for other people,
(10:23):
then they don't fully notice howdeep the people pleasing runs
for them until they landthemselves into a trauma bonded
relationship.
They may have previously beenpretty good at boundaries, but
now that they're in a traumabonded relationship, those
boundaries have gone out thewindow.
And the most important thing hasbeen making the other person
happy so that they can stay inthat happy love bombing stage.
(10:43):
And the reason for this isbecause trauma bonds create the
perfect atmosphere to bringthose people pleasing and
self-sacrificing tendencies tothe surface.
And this means that instead ofrecognizing,"now wait a second,
my needs aren't being met inthis relationship," then people
pleasers only see how otherpeople's needs aren't being met.
The only way that people pleaserknows how to get their own needs
(11:05):
met or have their own emotionsregulated is by making other
people happy.
So when they find themselves ina trauma bond, then they really
double down on this peoplepleasing.
They become even moreaccommodating, more
understanding, more selfless,more helpful, and more
forgiving, all in the hopes thattheir loyalty and devotion will
inspire the other person tofinally step up and give them,
(11:27):
well something, anything inreturn.
And when they do get somebreadcrumbs in return, then they
treat those breadcrumbs like afeast.
But nobody can survive onbreadcrumbs alone.
Now remember, trauma bonds are alot like slot machines.
They run on sporadicreinforcement, and this means
that you never know when or ifthat payout will come.
(11:50):
And with sporadic reinforcement,then the opposite of what you
want to have happen is what endsup happening.
You are giving more, but you'regetting less.
And the more you chase thoserare moments of connection, the
stronger your bond to them andthe stronger your devotion to
them comes.
And while you're feeling moreinvested in a relationship, the
other person, they seem to besignificantly less invested.
(12:13):
You're no longer a priority.
And the reason for this isbecause we naturally feel most
connected to the people and therelationships that we're
intentionally investing into.
The more time, energy, andemotions that you're pouring
into someone, the more yourbrain clings to the idea that
this must be worth it.
This investment must be worthit.
I am going to get a return onthis investment.
(12:36):
So you keep investing hopingthat this will finally be the
moment that they finally giveyou the love and the care and
the appreciation that you'vebeen waiting for.
But in trauma bonds, thosemoments are rare.
And you are giving, it onlydeepens your insecure attachment
to them, not their level ofinvestment.
So let's kind of revisit andreview a little bit about what
(12:57):
the trauma bond cycle lookslike.
So it starts with the lovebombing stage, right?
This is in the beginning orsometimes after a conflict.
When they're showering you withlove and affection, attention
promises, they're showering youwith all of the things that
you've been seeking.
This is when the gifts show up,the flowers, the apologies, the
passion, the incredible wordsabout how much it is that you
mean to them, and it feelsamazing.
(13:19):
Like they are finally seeing youfor you again, like you're
finally safe and loved.
They're back to the best versionof themselves, and at this
point, your investment has paidoff.
And in that moment, it's reallyeasy to believe that this is the
real version of them and thateverything is going to be okay
now.
And then comes the devaluing.
That warmth has faded, andsuddenly you're being met with
(13:40):
criticism, coldness, orunpredictability.
It starts to seem like theycan't be with you in your joy or
in your pain, and you might hearcomments like,"it's not that big
of a deal.
You're bringing this up again.
Why do you keep choosing to livein the past?
You're so needy.
Why are you always wanting me toreassure and validate you?
That's what your coach is for."And those comments can feel so
(14:01):
dismissive and disorienting,especially after the intensity
of the love bombing.
And when this happens, you mightfind yourself wondering what
happened?
What did I do wrong?
And not only what did I dowrong, but you're also
wondering, what can I do to fixthis?
And then comes the discard.
They pull away.
They're leaving you feelingabandoned, anxious, and
(14:22):
absolutely desperate to fixthings.
And sometimes this withdraw iseven intentional where there's
silence or their avoidance ofyou, it's meant to trigger you
into investing more.
It's meant to trigger you toapologize, to make them feel
better, or to takeresponsibility for the problems
that might not even be yours toown.
I mean, yes, I believe thateverything is co-created and so
(14:43):
there is probably a piece foryou to own in this situation.
But in the case of a traumabond, then your part in the
conflict, it might actually bevery small, but since you're the
kind and empathetic and amazingperson that you are, since
you're so self-reflective, thenyou know that you do have a part
to own.
And so because you can see thesliver of truthfulness of what
it is that they have to say, youdo feel personally responsible.
(15:07):
So suddenly you're bending overbackwards to try to make things
right.
And the goal here, whether theyrealize it or not, it is to make
you fall in line so they don'thave to take ownership
themselves.
And then through all of this isa sprinkling of sporadic
reinforcement.
The good moment returnstemporarily.
You get a breadcrumb here orthere, a smile, a compliment, a
(15:27):
kind word.
And at this moment then you doactually breathe a sigh of
relief.
You start telling yourself,okay, that was just a rough
patch and now it's over.
Thank goodness the person I fellin love with, they're finally
back.
Now we can get back to"normal."And with that sporadic
reinforcement comes a wave ofrelief of hope that it's finally
over, that they're back.
(15:48):
And there may even be a rush oflove in that moment, one that
temporarily erases the pain fromall of the moments that came
before it.
The problem is that you neverknow when the next good moment
will come.
So your brain is constantly inhigh alert.
It's constantly scanning forsigns.
It's constantly scanning forsigns that you're okay and
constantly scanning for signsthat things are not okay.
(16:11):
And your brain is working harderand harder at this point to
bring back all of those positiveemotions all while trying
desperately to make them happyand avoid anything that might
set them off.
So for a brief moment, yournervous system is saying, ah,
everything's fine.
It's going to be okay now.
But if it's true thateverything's gonna be okay, why
(16:31):
do you still feel like you'rewalking on eggshells?
Why is your anxiety still sohigh right now?
Why is your mind telling you,oh, be careful.
Don't mess this up again, andthen that's what happens as the
cycle repeats itself over andover again.
So here are some signs that youmight be in a trauma bond.
You feel the constant need toprove yourself.
(16:52):
You're always proving your love,proving that you're sorry,
proving that they matter to you.
And meanwhile, they're doingvery little to prove the same to
you.
But they might actually betrying to prove to you that you
are the broken one.
That you are the problem, thatyou are the one that needs
fixing, that they aren't toblame.
This is a you problem.
Number two, you're ignoring yourown needs in order to keep them
(17:15):
happy.
It doesn't matter if you'retired, sick, or struggling
yourself.
Their needs always come first.
You believe that if you don'tkeep them happy, then they might
pull away again.
You might become the target.
You might have to fix it againand fixing it again just
requires so much energy for youbecause your needs aren't
getting met.
You're so tired.
So it just is easier to justkeep them happy, even at the
(17:38):
cost of your own self.
Your nervous system isconstantly in overdrive, but
because you've been conditionedto believe that your needs don't
matter than the only way toregulate your own nervous system
is to regulate them.
And if you do a really good jobof that, then maybe you'll find
some peace.
You feel anxious when they'reupset with you.
Their behavior is completelyunpredictable, and so you end up
(17:59):
feeling like you're constantlywalking on eggshells, constantly
trying to prevent the nextblowup, even though you never
really know what might triggerthem next.
You make excuses for theirbehavior.
You tell yourself,"well, they'rejust stressed, they're tired.
They're going through a lotright now." Their emotional
state takes the top priority,which means that your emotional
(18:19):
state, it keeps getting pushedaside even by you.
So now you are minimizing yourown wants and needs and emotions
in relationship, in an effort tokeep the peace.
You feel both desperate to leaveand terrified to lose them.
Trauma bonds can feel like anaddiction.
You're constantly looking forthat next hit.
(18:39):
You're constantly looking forthat love bomb.
You know that this relationshipisn't healthy for you, but also
the thought of leaving itabsolutely terrifies you.
And that fear, it might not evenbe anything that you've ever
really put into words before,but you can't deny that there's
a lot of fear and anxiety bothover staying and over leaving.
Now, if you recognize that youmight be in a trauma bonded
(19:01):
relationship, I want you to knowit's not because you're weak.
It is because you've beenconditioned, possibly for years,
to believe that this is whatlove looks like.
That love looks like intenseemotions, intense highs and
intense lows, and that beingwilling to ride the toxic wave
again and again and again withjust a few good moments here and
there is how you demonstrateyour love for the other person.
(19:23):
But I want you to know that loveisn't sporadic.
Love is constant, love is kind,love is considerate.
And love wants what is best forboth of you.
And love it never wants to hurt,devalue, or minimize the other.
Healthy love doesn't require youto abandon yourself in order to
(19:43):
keep it.
Your worth isn't measured by howmuch you can endure from other
people or how perfectly you canplease other people.
No matter what it is that theysay, it is not your fault.
Now if you're starting to wonderwhether you might be in a trauma
bond or if you already know thatyou're in a trauma bond and
you're finally ready to breakfree, I would love to help you
to reclaim your sense ofself-worth.
(20:03):
Together we can untangle thepatterns that are keeping you
stuck and help you to buildrelationships that feel safe,
balanced, and mutuallyfulfilling.
If you're curious about whethercoaching might be able to help
you with this, then click thelink in the show notes to book
your free clarity call.
On this free call, we can take alook at your relationships and
see how coaching might be ableto help you to create more
balance, peace, and self trust.
(20:25):
You are worthy of love,consistency, and reciprocation,
and I can show you how.
All right, I hope you have agreat week and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
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