September 11, 2025 • 13 mins
When we live in fear that others will abandon us, we often end up abandoning ourselves.
In this episode of Inner Work with MaryAnn Walker, we’re exploring the #1 fear of people pleasers: the fear of abandonment. This is part one of a two-part series where we’ll uncover how this fear develops, how it shows up in relationships, and—most importantly—how it leads to chronic self-abandonment.
If you’ve ever caught yourself silencing your needs, over-giving to prove your worth, or staying in unhealthy relationships just to avoid being alone, you’ll see yourself in this conversation. And you’ll begin to understand why these patterns leave you feeling more disconnected and unloved than ever before.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
- Why fear of abandonment is the root fear behind people-pleasing.
- How past experiences—like conditional love or emotional neglect—train us to equate being alone with rejection.
- The painful cycle: fear of abandonment → people-pleasing → self-abandonment.
- 5 common self-abandoning behaviors that stem from fear of abandonment:
- Overgiving in hopes of proving your worth.
- Avoiding conflict to keep others happy, even at the cost of your truth.
- Taking responsibility for other people’s emotions while neglecting your own.
- Staying too long in unhealthy or toxic relationships out of fear of being alone.
- Downplaying your needs to make yourself “easier to love.”
- Why these strategies create the illusion of connection but actually deepen disconnection and loneliness.
Challenge for the Week
Pay attention to the moments when you silence yourself, minimize your needs, or overextend to keep someone close. Ask: Am I abandoning myself right now out of fear that they might abandon me?
Work With Me
If you’re ready to stop people-pleasing and start building authentic relationships rooted in love and mutual care, I’d love to support you. Email me now at maryann@maryannwalker.life to check for availability.
Don’t Forget to Subscribe
Be sure to subscribe to Inner Work with MaryAnn Walker so you don’t miss next week’s episode, where we’ll explore how to shift out of fear and start cultivating relationships based on love, safety, and authenticity.
Connect with me!
Contact me: https://maryannwalker.life/contact-me
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Empaths vs Covert Narcissists: Recognizing Energy Vampires https://www.buzzsprout.com/2028767/episodes/15664257
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker andI'm the life coach for the
helpers, the healers, therecovering people pleasers.
And today I wanna talk with youabout something that really
impacts a lot of peoplepleasers.
In fact, it's the baseline fortheir programming, for how it is
that they're showing up in arelationship, and oftentimes
they're not even aware of it.
And it's a fear of abandonment.
So if you ever found yourselfworking overtime trying to keep
(00:21):
somebody else happy or trying tostay in a relationship that just
doesn't feel good, or maybeyou're even silencing your own
needs because you're scared ofbeing left alone or being left
behind, then this episode is foryou.
So first I want to say that afear of abandonment, it
absolutely makes sense for you,and it's nothing to be ashamed
of.
This fear often has roots invery early experiences, so maybe
(00:42):
at some point in life you feltemotionally neglected.
Maybe you felt that love wasconditional, or maybe somebody
really important to you didleave you behind.
And because of that, yournervous system has learned.
If I want to keep people close,I have to keep them happy at all
costs.
And this is why for many peoplepleasers, their number one fear
is a fear of abandonment.
(01:04):
Because for them being alone isthe worst thing ever.
It's essentially rejection.
And that's really a hard thingfor them, which is why they
wanna make everybody happy,right?
And so then at that point thenpeople pleasing becomes a
survival strategy.
So I really want you to hear mewhen I say that there's no shame
here.
You were doing the best that youcould with the tools that you
had.
And today as we talk about howthis fear of abandonment might
(01:27):
be showing up for you, I hopethat by the end of this episode,
you're really going to feelempowered about how you can
create lasting change now thatthis has been brought into your
conscious awareness, so again,there's no shame here.
You were doing the best that youcould with the tools that you
had.
But here's the thing.
If we're showing up in arelationship through the lens of
fear, it makes it very hard toshow up through the lens of
genuine love.
(01:48):
If you're showing up throughfear, you're going to constantly
be feeling anxious in arelationship.
You're always going to bewondering in the back of your
mind, am I too much?
Am I not enough?
And that's no way to live.
So here are a few ways that fearof abandonment might be quietly
showing up for you as a peoplepleaser.
The first one is overgiving.
This looks like pouring more andmore and more into others and
(02:10):
saving less and less foryourself, or even asking for
less and less for yourself.
You keep hoping that if I canjust prove my value to them.
Then they'll stay.
They will see my worth, and thenI will never be alone.
So it's score keeping.
Yes, but it's not being done ina tit for tat way.
It's not being done in a, youowe me this kind of way, but
(02:31):
instead this kind of scorekeeping is coming from a,"I must
prove that I have enough worthso that they'll stay" kind of
way.
Another way it shows up is byavoiding conflict.
It's agreeing to things that youdon't want because disagreement,
it feels like a threat to therelationship.
So you avoid having theconversations, you avoid making
a request.
You avoid letting them know thatyou're really actually not doing
(02:53):
okay in relationship.
You avoid letting them know whatit is that's actually upsetting
you in the moment because youthink that a lack of conflict
equates to connection.
But the thing is you'reexperiencing a lot of anger and
resentment inside.
So, while things do look quitepeaceful externally, internally,
you're creating a lot ofconflict for yourself.
(03:14):
So you're not actually avoidingconflict at all.
And also avoiding conflict meansthat oftentimes you have to hide
who it is that you are.
You have to mask yourself.
You have to be showing up in theway that they want you to show
up, because conflict would bethe worst thing ever.
So you find yourself living outof alignment with yourself, out
of alignment with your ownintegrity.
You're not showing up as yourauthentic self.
You are pretending inrelationship, pretending that
(03:37):
nothing is wrong, pretendingthat you are who it is that they
want you to be.
Another way it might be showingup is taking responsibility for
other people's emotions.
This means that if somebody'supset, you feel like it is your
personal job to fix it, andpreferably you get it fixed real
fast because if you don't fixit, they're going to walk away.
And this is where you start tofeel like you're really walking
(03:57):
on eggshells.
It is hyper.
Diligence.
It is constantly working to beattuned to the needs of others,
constantly trying to predict howthey're going to feel,
constantly trying to sootheother people's emotions.
And this might also look likeover owning your piece in a
conflict.
So yes, you may have a part toown in this co-opted experience,
right?
(04:17):
Most problems are co-created, soyes, you do have your piece to
own, but rather than asking formutual accountability in this
co-created conflict, then you'venow made yourself the fall guy.
You are taking on all of theblame.
You are sparing them from havingresponsibility or accountability
in the situation, and you'rehoping that as you're sparing
(04:38):
them this responsibility andaccountability, that it will
just magically inspire them tochange.
They'll be a new person.
They'll be so grateful that youdid that for them, that they
will change.
But the truth is that peoplerarely change when there's no
accountability.
And because of that, then thiscycle continues where you keep
trying to be the bigger personby taking on more of the
(04:58):
responsibility, but they're notactually expressing
appreciation, and in fact, it'screating more disconnect in
relationship than it isconnection.
It might also look like stayingtoo long in unhealthy
relationships because the painof being alone feels scarier
than the pain of staying.
The thing with the brain is, isthat the unfamiliar is always
going to feel scarier.
(05:19):
So we would rather stay in asituation that is toxic, but we
know all of the variables in it.
Then try something new, thenseek out a new relationship.
Then sever the currentrelationship because the unknown
can feel scarier to the mind.
So this is when one tends toassume that.
Well, their red flags, they'lleventually turn green, right?
We tell ourselves that lie inrelationship, that if I stay
(05:40):
long enough, those red flagswill turn green, or at the very
least, then they'll start toturn pink over time.
So instead of seeing the redflags and then adjusting who it
is that we're choosing to investinto, then instead, the people
pleaser doubles down on theirefforts.
They commit more to this toxicrelationship.
They people please more.
They take on moreresponsibility.
They take on moreaccountability.
(06:01):
They take on more of the mentaland emotional labor in
relationship thinking that overtime the other person will
change.
They'll be so appreciative thatthey will change, right?
And then they'll stay again,that constant cycle of that fear
of abandonment, another way itmight show up is downplaying
your own needs, because wereally have that fear that, oh
well, asking too much, thenthat's gonna make them walk
(06:22):
away.
I don't wanna be seen as tooneedy or too clingy.
And so you work yourself to thebone.
You maybe relaxed or completelyerase your personal boundaries.
You let the other person walkall over you without telling
them what it is that you need,without telling them, Hey,
that's too much for me.
Or, Hey, I need a break overhere.
Hey, I need some reciprocationhere.
You keep doing this, thinkingthat, well, maybe if I don't
(06:44):
have any needs in arelationship, if I just make it
really easy for them, if I'mjust really accommodating for
them, then they'll love me andthen they'll choose to stay.
But this ultimately leads to arelationship where you are doing
all the heavy lifting, andrather than proving love in
relationship, you're actuallyproving usefulness, which leaves
(07:05):
you feeling used, right?
When you're only provingusefulness in a relationship,
it's going to leave you feelingused, and that's actually gonna
leave you feeling more lonelythan ever.
Now these patterns, they cancreate the illusion of
connection.
I mean, you're there for themall the time, right?
But the truth is that theseactions, then they create a
connection that's built on fear,not authenticity and love.
(07:27):
Now, if this sounds a little bittoo familiar, I want to remind
you of two things.
Number one, this is a shame-freezone.
Remember that these behaviors,they came about out of a need
for survival.
You're okay here.
Don't shame yourself if you'vebeen experiencing these things.
And number two, if as you'relistening, it's resonating with
you, that is such an amazing andpositive thing because it's
bringing these behaviors intoyour conscious awareness.
(07:49):
And once they're in yourconscious awareness, then we can
create change.
These are all the things thathave been your default setting
from the beginning.
It's been your programming fromthe beginning that, oh, if I
just do this, then I'll getthis.
But now we're seeing that, okay,maybe that's not quite working.
It's time to upgrade thethinking.
And the first step is havingthat self-awareness that, oh my
gosh, I can't believe that I'vebeen acting through fear all
(08:09):
this time.
Now, up until now, you've beenrunning on your nervous system
safety default settings.
But now you have the opportunityto upgrade that baseline fear
response into a love response.
Love for both you and them.
That's what's going to createthat change.
It's switching from fear intolove.
So fear says I have to performfor love.
(08:32):
Love says I can be my full selfand still be loved.
Fear says, if I show my truefeelings, they'll leave me.
Love says, if they leave mebecause I'm showing up as my
authentic self, then theyweren't meant for me in the
first place.
Fear says, I must prove myworth.
Love says my worth is inherit.
(08:53):
Fear says, if I don't do this,they'll abandon me.
Love says if I do somethingthat's out of alignment with my
own integrity, I would beabandoning myself.
When you start to lead withlove, love for yourself first,
then you stop trying to earnyour place in someone else's
life, and you start buildingrelationships that are actually
built on more positive things.
(09:14):
Instead of fear, you're nowbuilding relationships on trust,
authenticity, and mutualrespect.
When you truly come to loveyourself and prioritize not
abandoning yourself, then that'swhen you're going to be in the
right energy to find that truelove and connection with other
people that you've actually beenseeking.
And maybe this is kind of a newidea to you.
You've never advocated foryourself, you've never
(09:35):
prioritized self before.
And I can get it that it can bekind of scary to try something
new and to assess your ownpersonal wellbeing before
committing to another person.
But there is so much growth thatcomes from leaning into that
discomfort and finding thatstrength within self.
And starting to prioritize self,I also want you to know, it
doesn't mean that you're gonnaturn into a big, fat jerk face,
and I'm saying that because Iknow a lot of you feel that way.
(09:59):
You think, oh no, if I haveboundaries, I'm gonna be such a
jerk.
I know a lot of you feel thatway, and that's why I actually
have an entire episode dedicatedto that very subject.
So if you are worried thatyou're gonna turn into a big,
fat jerk face, check out theshow notes and find a link to
that episode for more.
But for now, I want you to know,number one, you're not gonna
turn into a big, fat jerk face.
And leading with love.
It doesn't mean that you'renever going to compromise with
(10:20):
another person.
It just means you're nowcommitted to not compromising
yourself any longer.
It doesn't mean that you stopcaring about other people's
feelings.
It just means that you're goingto start prioritizing your own
wellbeing so that you can showup for other people.
You can, yes, continue to showup for them, but now you're
doing it from a place ofwholeness and abundance rather
(10:41):
than fear and lack.
This means that you can start toset boundaries because you
actually value yourself.
This means if you're overbooked,then you're not committing to be
the class your mom.
If somebody mistreats you, thenyou get yourself to safety
rather than making excuses fortheir poor treatment of you.
If somebody raises their voiceat you, you tell them that, Hey,
we can continue thisconversation when you can speak
(11:02):
to me with respect.
You're kind.
But you're also boundaried andyou're treating yourself with
kindness first and foremost byremoving yourself from those
toxic situations and those toxicrelationships.
When you are really actingthrough that lens of love,
you're communicating honestly,even if it feels vulnerable,
(11:22):
you're being brave.
You're willing to give voice toit when something just doesn't
feel right to you to tell themwhen your feelings have been
hurt, when things aren'tsustainable for you.
When you need a little bit ofextra support.
You let people show you throughconsistent actions whether
they're safe to trust or not,and I wanna be very clear on
this, that yes, watch theiractions.
(11:43):
It is watching and observing howthey're actually showing up, not
how they say they're going tostart showing up, not noticing
and putting all of the attentionon that one random weekend that
they were kind, but noticing howis it that they're consistently
showing up and trusting that.
It's watching for consistencyrather than that sporadic change
(12:04):
and adjusting accordingly.
It is choosing friends andpartners and connections who can
meet you where you're at, notjust where they wish that you
would stay.
These are the people that reallylove you for you and yeah, they
definitely also appreciate whatit is that you do for them, but
you are loved for who you areoutside of what it is that you
do for them in relationship.
(12:25):
This is what it looks like tooperate from a steady and
grounded self-love.
And doing this is going tocreate such a beautiful and
authentic ripple effect whereyou're now going to have more
beautiful and authenticrelationships.
You're no longer going to feellike you're walking on
eggshells, trying to prove thatyou're worthy of love.
All of that insecurity thatcomes with walking on eggshells,
you're going to notice that it'sgoing to be diminishing over
(12:47):
time because now you're seekinggenuine connection over
performance based acceptance.
And when you operate from loveinstead of fear, you stop
gripping so tightly to the wrongpeople and instead you open your
hands up to those who genuinelywant to stay.
They genuinely want to be inyour life.
So your challenge for this weekis I just want you to start to
(13:08):
notice where in yourrelationships are you acting
from fear of abandonment ratherthan from that place of
self-love?
And then ask yourself, if I ledwith love for myself and for the
other person, what would I dodifferently?
Maybe it's speaking up insteadof remaining silent.
Maybe it's pulling back a littlebit from the relationships where
(13:29):
they're getting a lot more thanthey're willing to give in a
relationship.
Maybe it's simply tellingyourself, I am worthy of love
without overworking for it.
So remember that the goal isn'tto erase fear entirely.
You're going to experience fear,and yeah, it might even be scary
as you make these changes, butthat's completely normal.
The goal from here on out is torecognize when it is that fear
(13:50):
is sneaking in, especially thatfear of abandonment,
acknowledging its presence, andthen choosing into love and
authenticity anyway.
Because love, real love the kindthat is rooted in authenticity
and mutual care.
It is the only way to get tothose real lasting connections
that you've been seeking.
(14:10):
And when you lead with that lovefor yourself, you'll be
absolutely amazed the kind ofrelationships that start showing
up for you.
Because fear is now in itsplace.
And because fear is now in itsplace, you can enjoy those
relationships from a place oftrue love and abundance.
Now if you are ready to do theinner work to build
relationships free of fear, thenI would love to support you.
(14:31):
I'm currently offering six weekcoaching packages designed for
the highly sensitive people andrecovering people pleasers to
help you to better step intoconfidence, set healthy
boundaries, and create moregenuine connections with others.
You can book a free clarity callby coming to my website,
www.maryannwalker.life or clickthe link in the show notes.
Your future self, the one who isfree and confident and deeply
(14:52):
connected.
They will absolutely thank youfor booking this free call.
All right, well, thank you somuch for being here.
I hope you have a great week,and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker andI'm the life coach for the
helpers, the healers, therecovering people pleasers.
And today I wanna talk with youabout something that really
impacts a lot of peoplepleasers.
In fact, it's the baseline fortheir programming, for how it is
that they're showing up in arelationship, and oftentimes
they're not even aware of it.
And it's a fear of abandonment.
So if you ever found yourselfworking overtime trying to keep
(00:21):
somebody else happy or trying tostay in a relationship that just
doesn't feel good, or maybeyou're even silencing your own
needs because you're scared ofbeing left alone or being left
behind, then this episode is foryou.
So first I want to say that afear of abandonment, it
absolutely makes sense for you,and it's nothing to be ashamed
of.
This fear often has roots invery early experiences, so maybe
(00:42):
at some point in life you feltemotionally neglected.
Maybe you felt that love wasconditional, or maybe somebody
really important to you didleave you behind.
And because of that, yournervous system has learned.
If I want to keep people close,I have to keep them happy at all
costs.
And this is why for many peoplepleasers, their number one fear
is a fear of abandonment.
(01:04):
Because for them being alone isthe worst thing ever.
It's essentially rejection.
And that's really a hard thingfor them, which is why they
wanna make everybody happy,right?
And so then at that point thenpeople pleasing becomes a
survival strategy.
So I really want you to hear mewhen I say that there's no shame
here.
You were doing the best that youcould with the tools that you
had.
And today as we talk about howthis fear of abandonment might
(01:27):
be showing up for you, I hopethat by the end of this episode,
you're really going to feelempowered about how you can
create lasting change now thatthis has been brought into your
conscious awareness, so again,there's no shame here.
You were doing the best that youcould with the tools that you
had.
But here's the thing.
If we're showing up in arelationship through the lens of
fear, it makes it very hard toshow up through the lens of
genuine love.
(01:48):
If you're showing up throughfear, you're going to constantly
be feeling anxious in arelationship.
You're always going to bewondering in the back of your
mind, am I too much?
Am I not enough?
And that's no way to live.
So here are a few ways that fearof abandonment might be quietly
showing up for you as a peoplepleaser.
The first one is overgiving.
This looks like pouring more andmore and more into others and
(02:10):
saving less and less foryourself, or even asking for
less and less for yourself.
You keep hoping that if I canjust prove my value to them.
Then they'll stay.
They will see my worth, and thenI will never be alone.
So it's score keeping.
Yes, but it's not being done ina tit for tat way.
It's not being done in a, youowe me this kind of way, but
(02:31):
instead this kind of scorekeeping is coming from a,"I must
prove that I have enough worthso that they'll stay" kind of
way.
Another way it shows up is byavoiding conflict.
It's agreeing to things that youdon't want because disagreement,
it feels like a threat to therelationship.
So you avoid having theconversations, you avoid making
a request.
You avoid letting them know thatyou're really actually not doing
(02:53):
okay in relationship.
You avoid letting them know whatit is that's actually upsetting
you in the moment because youthink that a lack of conflict
equates to connection.
But the thing is you'reexperiencing a lot of anger and
resentment inside.
So, while things do look quitepeaceful externally, internally,
you're creating a lot ofconflict for yourself.
(03:14):
So you're not actually avoidingconflict at all.
And also avoiding conflict meansthat oftentimes you have to hide
who it is that you are.
You have to mask yourself.
You have to be showing up in theway that they want you to show
up, because conflict would bethe worst thing ever.
So you find yourself living outof alignment with yourself, out
of alignment with your ownintegrity.
You're not showing up as yourauthentic self.
You are pretending inrelationship, pretending that
(03:37):
nothing is wrong, pretendingthat you are who it is that they
want you to be.
Another way it might be showingup is taking responsibility for
other people's emotions.
This means that if somebody'supset, you feel like it is your
personal job to fix it, andpreferably you get it fixed real
fast because if you don't fixit, they're going to walk away.
And this is where you start tofeel like you're really walking
(03:57):
on eggshells.
It is hyper.
Diligence.
It is constantly working to beattuned to the needs of others,
constantly trying to predict howthey're going to feel,
constantly trying to sootheother people's emotions.
And this might also look likeover owning your piece in a
conflict.
So yes, you may have a part toown in this co-opted experience,
right?
(04:17):
Most problems are co-created, soyes, you do have your piece to
own, but rather than asking formutual accountability in this
co-created conflict, then you'venow made yourself the fall guy.
You are taking on all of theblame.
You are sparing them from havingresponsibility or accountability
in the situation, and you'rehoping that as you're sparing
(04:38):
them this responsibility andaccountability, that it will
just magically inspire them tochange.
They'll be a new person.
They'll be so grateful that youdid that for them, that they
will change.
But the truth is that peoplerarely change when there's no
accountability.
And because of that, then thiscycle continues where you keep
trying to be the bigger personby taking on more of the
(04:58):
responsibility, but they're notactually expressing
appreciation, and in fact, it'screating more disconnect in
relationship than it isconnection.
It might also look like stayingtoo long in unhealthy
relationships because the painof being alone feels scarier
than the pain of staying.
The thing with the brain is, isthat the unfamiliar is always
going to feel scarier.
(05:19):
So we would rather stay in asituation that is toxic, but we
know all of the variables in it.
Then try something new, thenseek out a new relationship.
Then sever the currentrelationship because the unknown
can feel scarier to the mind.
So this is when one tends toassume that.
Well, their red flags, they'lleventually turn green, right?
We tell ourselves that lie inrelationship, that if I stay
(05:40):
long enough, those red flagswill turn green, or at the very
least, then they'll start toturn pink over time.
So instead of seeing the redflags and then adjusting who it
is that we're choosing to investinto, then instead, the people
pleaser doubles down on theirefforts.
They commit more to this toxicrelationship.
They people please more.
They take on moreresponsibility.
They take on moreaccountability.
(06:01):
They take on more of the mentaland emotional labor in
relationship thinking that overtime the other person will
change.
They'll be so appreciative thatthey will change, right?
And then they'll stay again,that constant cycle of that fear
of abandonment, another way itmight show up is downplaying
your own needs, because wereally have that fear that, oh
well, asking too much, thenthat's gonna make them walk
(06:22):
away.
I don't wanna be seen as tooneedy or too clingy.
And so you work yourself to thebone.
You maybe relaxed or completelyerase your personal boundaries.
You let the other person walkall over you without telling
them what it is that you need,without telling them, Hey,
that's too much for me.
Or, Hey, I need a break overhere.
Hey, I need some reciprocationhere.
You keep doing this, thinkingthat, well, maybe if I don't
(06:44):
have any needs in arelationship, if I just make it
really easy for them, if I'mjust really accommodating for
them, then they'll love me andthen they'll choose to stay.
But this ultimately leads to arelationship where you are doing
all the heavy lifting, andrather than proving love in
relationship, you're actuallyproving usefulness, which leaves
(07:05):
you feeling used, right?
When you're only provingusefulness in a relationship,
it's going to leave you feelingused, and that's actually gonna
leave you feeling more lonelythan ever.
Now these patterns, they cancreate the illusion of
connection.
I mean, you're there for themall the time, right?
But the truth is that theseactions, then they create a
connection that's built on fear,not authenticity and love.
(07:27):
Now, if this sounds a little bittoo familiar, I want to remind
you of two things.
Number one, this is a shame-freezone.
Remember that these behaviors,they came about out of a need
for survival.
You're okay here.
Don't shame yourself if you'vebeen experiencing these things.
And number two, if as you'relistening, it's resonating with
you, that is such an amazing andpositive thing because it's
bringing these behaviors intoyour conscious awareness.
(07:49):
And once they're in yourconscious awareness, then we can
create change.
These are all the things thathave been your default setting
from the beginning.
It's been your programming fromthe beginning that, oh, if I
just do this, then I'll getthis.
But now we're seeing that, okay,maybe that's not quite working.
It's time to upgrade thethinking.
And the first step is havingthat self-awareness that, oh my
gosh, I can't believe that I'vebeen acting through fear all
(08:09):
this time.
Now, up until now, you've beenrunning on your nervous system
safety default settings.
But now you have the opportunityto upgrade that baseline fear
response into a love response.
Love for both you and them.
That's what's going to createthat change.
It's switching from fear intolove.
So fear says I have to performfor love.
(08:32):
Love says I can be my full selfand still be loved.
Fear says, if I show my truefeelings, they'll leave me.
Love says, if they leave mebecause I'm showing up as my
authentic self, then theyweren't meant for me in the
first place.
Fear says, I must prove myworth.
Love says my worth is inherit.
(08:53):
Fear says, if I don't do this,they'll abandon me.
Love says if I do somethingthat's out of alignment with my
own integrity, I would beabandoning myself.
When you start to lead withlove, love for yourself first,
then you stop trying to earnyour place in someone else's
life, and you start buildingrelationships that are actually
built on more positive things.
(09:14):
Instead of fear, you're nowbuilding relationships on trust,
authenticity, and mutualrespect.
When you truly come to loveyourself and prioritize not
abandoning yourself, then that'swhen you're going to be in the
right energy to find that truelove and connection with other
people that you've actually beenseeking.
And maybe this is kind of a newidea to you.
You've never advocated foryourself, you've never
(09:35):
prioritized self before.
And I can get it that it can bekind of scary to try something
new and to assess your ownpersonal wellbeing before
committing to another person.
But there is so much growth thatcomes from leaning into that
discomfort and finding thatstrength within self.
And starting to prioritize self,I also want you to know, it
doesn't mean that you're gonnaturn into a big, fat jerk face,
and I'm saying that because Iknow a lot of you feel that way.
(09:59):
You think, oh no, if I haveboundaries, I'm gonna be such a
jerk.
I know a lot of you feel thatway, and that's why I actually
have an entire episode dedicatedto that very subject.
So if you are worried thatyou're gonna turn into a big,
fat jerk face, check out theshow notes and find a link to
that episode for more.
But for now, I want you to know,number one, you're not gonna
turn into a big, fat jerk face.
And leading with love.
It doesn't mean that you'renever going to compromise with
(10:20):
another person.
It just means you're nowcommitted to not compromising
yourself any longer.
It doesn't mean that you stopcaring about other people's
feelings.
It just means that you're goingto start prioritizing your own
wellbeing so that you can showup for other people.
You can, yes, continue to showup for them, but now you're
doing it from a place ofwholeness and abundance rather
(10:41):
than fear and lack.
This means that you can start toset boundaries because you
actually value yourself.
This means if you're overbooked,then you're not committing to be
the class your mom.
If somebody mistreats you, thenyou get yourself to safety
rather than making excuses fortheir poor treatment of you.
If somebody raises their voiceat you, you tell them that, Hey,
we can continue thisconversation when you can speak
(11:02):
to me with respect.
You're kind.
But you're also boundaried andyou're treating yourself with
kindness first and foremost byremoving yourself from those
toxic situations and those toxicrelationships.
When you are really actingthrough that lens of love,
you're communicating honestly,even if it feels vulnerable,
(11:22):
you're being brave.
You're willing to give voice toit when something just doesn't
feel right to you to tell themwhen your feelings have been
hurt, when things aren'tsustainable for you.
When you need a little bit ofextra support.
You let people show you throughconsistent actions whether
they're safe to trust or not,and I wanna be very clear on
this, that yes, watch theiractions.
(11:43):
It is watching and observing howthey're actually showing up, not
how they say they're going tostart showing up, not noticing
and putting all of the attentionon that one random weekend that
they were kind, but noticing howis it that they're consistently
showing up and trusting that.
It's watching for consistencyrather than that sporadic change
(12:04):
and adjusting accordingly.
It is choosing friends andpartners and connections who can
meet you where you're at, notjust where they wish that you
would stay.
These are the people that reallylove you for you and yeah, they
definitely also appreciate whatit is that you do for them, but
you are loved for who you areoutside of what it is that you
do for them in relationship.
(12:25):
This is what it looks like tooperate from a steady and
grounded self-love.
And doing this is going tocreate such a beautiful and
authentic ripple effect whereyou're now going to have more
beautiful and authenticrelationships.
You're no longer going to feellike you're walking on
eggshells, trying to prove thatyou're worthy of love.
All of that insecurity thatcomes with walking on eggshells,
you're going to notice that it'sgoing to be diminishing over
(12:47):
time because now you're seekinggenuine connection over
performance based acceptance.
And when you operate from loveinstead of fear, you stop
gripping so tightly to the wrongpeople and instead you open your
hands up to those who genuinelywant to stay.
They genuinely want to be inyour life.
So your challenge for this weekis I just want you to start to
(13:08):
notice where in yourrelationships are you acting
from fear of abandonment ratherthan from that place of
self-love?
And then ask yourself, if I ledwith love for myself and for the
other person, what would I dodifferently?
Maybe it's speaking up insteadof remaining silent.
Maybe it's pulling back a littlebit from the relationships where
(13:29):
they're getting a lot more thanthey're willing to give in a
relationship.
Maybe it's simply tellingyourself, I am worthy of love
without overworking for it.
So remember that the goal isn'tto erase fear entirely.
You're going to experience fear,and yeah, it might even be scary
as you make these changes, butthat's completely normal.
The goal from here on out is torecognize when it is that fear
(13:50):
is sneaking in, especially thatfear of abandonment,
acknowledging its presence, andthen choosing into love and
authenticity anyway.
Because love, real love the kindthat is rooted in authenticity
and mutual care.
It is the only way to get tothose real lasting connections
that you've been seeking.
(14:10):
And when you lead with that lovefor yourself, you'll be
absolutely amazed the kind ofrelationships that start showing
up for you.
Because fear is now in itsplace.
And because fear is now in itsplace, you can enjoy those
relationships from a place oftrue love and abundance.
Now if you are ready to do theinner work to build
relationships free of fear, thenI would love to support you.
(14:31):
I'm currently offering six weekcoaching packages designed for
the highly sensitive people andrecovering people pleasers to
help you to better step intoconfidence, set healthy
boundaries, and create moregenuine connections with others.
You can book a free clarity callby coming to my website,
www.maryannwalker.life or clickthe link in the show notes.
Your future self, the one who isfree and confident and deeply
(14:52):
connected.
They will absolutely thank youfor booking this free call.
All right, well, thank you somuch for being here.
I hope you have a great week,and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
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