October 2, 2025 • 47 mins
Is your “positive mindset” actually emotional avoidance in disguise? In this episode of Inner Work with MaryAnn Walker, I’m joined once again by guest Kellyn Legath for an honest conversation about the difference between true positive thinking and emotional bypassing. Together, we explore how to sit with and process uncomfortable emotions, why they matter, and how shifting your relationship with avoided feelings can unlock deeper healing and empowerment.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
- The difference between positive thinking and emotional bypassing
- How to sit with emotions rather than suppress them
- Why emotions aren’t positive or negative—but valuable information
- Real-life role plays that show what it looks like to process emotions like sadness, anger, and anxiety
- How curiosity can help you uncover the truth behind your emotions
- Grounding practices and simple tools to support emotional regulation
- How emotions can act as “cheat codes” to identify unmet needs and map a plan for getting them met
Challenge for the Week
Notice where you might be using “positivity” to avoid uncomfortable feelings. This week, choose one emotion you usually avoid and practice sitting with it. Get curious: What is this feeling trying to tell you? What need is it pointing you toward?
Work With Me
If you’re ready to stop bypassing your emotions and start listening to them as valuable guides, I’d love to support you. Book a free clarity call today and let’s explore what working together could look like: Book here: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
.
Don’t Forget to Subscribe
If you haven’t already, be sure to follow Inner Work with MaryAnn Walker so you never miss an episode!
Links Mentioned in This Episode
- The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk: https://amzn.to/3Voj1OH
Connect with MaryAnn Walker!
Book Your FREE Clarity Call: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
Contact me: https://maryannwalker.life/contact-me
Follow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/maryannwalker.life/
Follow on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/maryannwalker.life
Follow on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@maryannwalker.life
Connect with Kellyn Legath:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/daydreamercoaching/
Book Recommendation:
The Body Keeps The Score: https://amzn.to/3IQIIop
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MaryAnn Walker (00:00):
well, hello and welcome back.
I am so excited to have KellynLegath back on the show.
It has been a hot minute sinceyou've been on Kellyn.
It has, and I'm so excited to beback.
I feel like our
Kellyn Legath (00:10):
conversations, we we're always like, let's keep
going.
And there's always so much totalk about.
Perfect.
MaryAnn Walker (00:16):
Yeah, I just love it.
So for those of you that haven'tmet Kellyn yet, I absolutely
adore her.
I believe that everybody,including coaches, need coaches
and Kellyn has become mine.
And so I just love, like, Ithink a lot of people are going
to relate to the idea that Ithink for many people, pleasers,
myself included, I have aneasier time sitting with other
people's emotions than I do myown emotions.
(00:37):
And so something I deeplyappreciated about Kellyn is she
really helps me to bring it backto self, to remind myself how to
feel and process emotionsbecause I'm human too.
And I've noticed for myself whenI am feeling tired, when I'm
feeling extra big emotions,sometimes I just need a little
bit more support.
And so when this particular,thread popped up on Instagram
(01:01):
that people were getting excitedabout and Kellyn was like, oh my
gosh, yes.
So true.
Then I was like, okay, good.
We need to bring Kellyn on toactually talk about this.
'cause it's a very big deal.
So, yeah.
So thank you so much for beinghere, Kellyn, and I'm excited to
jump in.
Kellyn Legath (01:15):
Oh, me too.
I, this is gonna be a juicytopic.
I feel like there's a lot,
MaryAnn Walker (01:19):
there's a lot here.
Yeah.
So first I'm going to read youthe Instagram posts that we're
going to be referencing.
Several of you commented onthis, and then,, we're gonna
kind of just dive into it.
So the Instagram post says a lotof people are practicing
emotional avoidance and callingit a positive mindset.
But positivity that bypassespain isn't healing, it's
suppression.
(01:40):
And suppressed emotions don'tdisappear.
They fester, they resurface.
They sabotage relationships.
Self-worth and nervous systemsafety.
You don't have to"good vibesonly" your way through grief,
disappointment, or anger, youare allowed to feel deeply and
hold onto hope.
You are allowed to name what ishard without labeling yourself
(02:00):
as negative.
Healing invites all of you tothe table, even the most messy,
uncomfortable parts.
Real positivity isn't aboutignoring the pain, it's about
being honest with it and stillchoosing to move forward.
So kind of using that as ourpremise today, we're going to
really kind of break this downinto three different components.
So first, we're gonna talk aboutthe difference between positive
thinking and emotionalbypassing, how to sit with
(02:23):
emotions, and then how to changeyour relationship with the
emotions that you are avoiding.
So, Kellyn, let's just jumpright in.
Okay.
So what, for you, how would youdefine the difference between
positive thinking and emotionalbypassing through that lens of
toxic positivity?
Kellyn Legath (02:38):
Yeah.
Uh, positive thinking is reallyto me, thinking intentionally.
And, and what I mean by that isreally tuning into yourself and
saying, okay.
What's true here?
I, I think people, I, I alwaysuse the phrase rainbows and
butterflies, and that came from,um, our own coach training, but
I think it really resonates somuch where like, people wanna go
(03:00):
to the land of rainbows andbutterflies of positive.
Yeah.
It's all good and good vibes.
Only the perfect example in yourintro, right?
Yeah.
Um, or don't worry about it, youknow, and it's, it's like.
Sure.
But you're, you're jumping sofar from what's really true and,
and I think that's a reallyimportant aspect of what you
said in your intro as well.
It's like, it's about truth.
(03:22):
It's a, it's really about like,does this feel good to me?
And that's more positive.
Even 1% is more positive thanlike everything is terrible,
right?
Mm-hmm.
You're not gonna go fromeverything is absolutely ter,
absolutely terrible to.
No big deal.
Everything's, it's all good.
It's all gonna work out, right?
Kellyn Legaath (03:39):
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (03:40):
And that brings me to like the emotional bypass,
right?
Mm-hmm.
Um, anytime there is anemotional bypass, it's sort of a
stuffing or a pushing down ofthe real truth of the emotion
of, of what you're feeling.
Um, a lot of times it's like,oh, it doesn't really matter, or
I shouldn't, shoulds shouldn'tYourself is a big one.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
(04:00):
I shouldn't care.
I should be over this.
Um, I shouldn't be talking aboutthis so much.
I don't know why this isbothering me.
Let's just move on.
Right.
It's sort of this suppression ofwhat's honest and true for what
you're e experiencing.
Mm-hmm.
Um, so to me that's, that's.
What it comes down to, boilsdown to.
MaryAnn Walker (04:21):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love that.
Yeah.
For me, I kind of think ofpositive thinking as the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing butthe truth.
I think.
I think that when people arenegative people, then they're
the ones that are only focusingon the negative and they have a
hard time seeing a.
Okay, what's the good that'scoming out of this?
And also the toxic positivity isrefusing to see the hard, right?
(04:42):
So it's kind of like, okay, wellwhat's the truth?
The whole truth, and nothing butthe truth.
Because all of life is both ofthose things, right?
Mm-hmm.
So it's saying, yes, this ishard and right.
It's the this and these twothings can both be true at the
same time.
I don't have to.
It, it's not mutually exclusive.
Right.
It doesn't mean that becausethings are hard, I can't be
happy and it doesn't mean, youknow, and the reverse is also
(05:04):
not true.
Right.
And then like that emotionalbypassing is, yeah, like I said,
like it's, it's kind of thatsuppression like, okay, well I
don't wanna feel that.
I love how you brought up theshoulds, right?
Like, oh, well I should be overit by now.
I shouldn't be feeling this.
Well, they should be feelingthis way instead.
Right?
Like when you notice thoseshoulds, I think that's like the
number one thing that lets meknow that, okay, maybe I'm
(05:26):
trying to like emotionallybypass this.
I'm not actually sitting with myemotions.
Kellyn Legath (05:32):
Totally.
And I think I wanna justhighlight something you said.
'cause I think it's reallyimportant of the, it it really.
Does sort of boil down to blackand white thinking.
Hmm.
Like
negativity is like, this is really terrible.
Everything's bad, nothing'sworking.
And then positivity is like,everything's great.
No worries.
(05:52):
Rainbows and butterflies, right?
Mm-hmm.
Like thunderstorms and tornadoesand rainbows and butterflies,
and it's like we're trying what?
What the truth of the matter isof like true emotional
processing is being able to sitin that gray area.
Being able to sit with thediscomfort.
And I think that's an important,a really, really important
aspect because so often peopleare like, Nope, it has to be
(06:14):
good or it has to be bad.
Or like, there is so muchdiscomfort in that gray area
because we're not taught to sitthere.
Right?
Mm-hmm.
I, I feel like every time I comeonto your podcast, I always go
into my rant about like, this isa societal thing.
Yeah.
Like anybody that's listening,if they're like, oh, that's me,
or, that feels really bad, andyou start to notice some shame,
like, I just wanna.
(06:35):
You know, plant the seed that,think about the way our society
is.
We're not taught to process ouremotions.
Men are told they'll, they'retoo emotional.
Women are told they're tooemotional, and if, mm-hmm.
See life through that lensautomatically you, what you're
learning is emotions are bad,right?
Emotional expression is bad, orfeeling a big emotion is bad.
Kellyn Legaath (06:57):
Yeah.
So
Kellyn Legath (06:58):
we're, we're back to
MaryAnn Walker (06:58):
black and white, bad and good.
Absolutely.
Well, and then the twoemotional, right?
Mm-hmm.
It's like, okay.
Too emotional for who?
Yes, exactly.
Like most of the time when it'slike, oh, well, they're too
emotional.
It's because we are having ahard time emotionally processing
the fact that somebody's havinga feeling.
It's creating a feeling for us,so we're experiencing that
resistance.
It's like, well, if I can justjudge it and make them wrong
(07:21):
mm-hmm.
Then I won't have to process myfeelings, which is bypassing,
right?
It's like, no, I'm right.
It's bypassing everybody aroundme.
Kellyn Legath (07:28):
Totally.
And we're back again to blackand white, right?
Mm-hmm.
Right or wrong.
Me or me or them, like who's,who's to blame me or you.
Right.
It's, yeah.
It's choose one or the other andit's just, it's not that.
MaryAnn Walker (07:41):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So one of the questions that Igot on social media was
basically like, but how do yousit with emotions?
Because I don't want to sit withthe negativity emotions.
Why would you want to sit withthe negative emotions?
Yeah.
What are your thoughts on that?
Oh, so many thoughts.
Kellyn Legath (07:56):
Um, okay.
The first thing is, you know,this is a sort of, um.
What, what's the word I'mlooking for?
Just like a blanket statement,you know, to simplify it to
really dumb it down.
Mm-hmm.
But if you're intellectualizingand over and talking about an
emotion, you're not processingit.
Kellyn Legaath (08:16):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (08:17):
Right.
I always say like, overoverthinking is under feeling.
Right.
So much of what we do is uphere.
Think especially in therapy inour minds.
Processing is a body experience.
So mind is intellectualizingthinking, oh, I'm really angry.
Processing is in the body.
Kellyn Legaath (08:37):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (08:38):
Feeling into where is anger showing up?
Where do I feel my heartpounding and my fists are
clenched and my jaw is tight.
That's the processing.
It's being able to map it withinyour.
Your body.
Mm-hmm.
Um, that's, that's the biggest thing.
Um, and then to answer thesecond part of like, why would
you want to, you're like, thatsounds terrible.
(09:00):
Yeah.
You're like, what do you mean?
Why would I sit with anger?
Or I'll use sadness.
'cause I think that's one that,especially for me, has always
been, um, a really.
Hard emotion to open up to.
Kellyn Legaath (09:14):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (09:14):
Because I'm like, oh, sadness feels so terrible.
It feels just, you know, a deepemotional feeling in my chest,
in my gut.
You know, we can talk aboutchakras probably in, in all of
that, but, um, save that foranother podcast maybe.
Um, but you know, I think itgoes back to what we're saying
in the beginning of when you'rerepressing an emotion, it has
(09:36):
nowhere to go.
Kellyn Legaath (09:38):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (09:38):
Right.
It you're just pushing it down.
Pushing it down, and, and Ican't say this enough.
I think this is an analogy I usewith my clients.
I'm wondering if you use it too,um, about the beach, A beach
ball.
Um, suppressing an emotion orbypassing emotion is like
holding a beach fall underwater.
And I think this is such aperfect analogy because we all
(09:59):
know that when we're like thatfeeling right, and it's like fun
and it's playful, and you'relike, sure, we don't have to
worry about that, but it alwayspops back up.
Kellyn Legaath (10:07):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (10:07):
And you know, emotions are energy.
They need somewhere to go, theyneed something to do, or else
they end up sitting in your bodyand, you know, it can lead to
illness and so many otherthings, right?
Mm-hmm.
It's for your own benefit.
Um, another analogy I often useis like, when you don't process
your emotions, it's likecarrying a backpack full of
(10:29):
rocks.
Imagine you go through yourwhole day and you're like, oh,
bad emotion.
I'm not gonna look at it.
And you put a rock in yourbackpack.
Mm-hmm.
And then you keep walking againand you're like, oh, my boss
said this really mean thing, andit upset me.
Oh, now I'm putting another rockin my backpack.
And you get to the end of yourday and you're so weighed down
Kellyn Legaath (10:46):
by
Kellyn Legath (10:46):
all this emotion that you're not able to sit with
and process.
And it's, it's exhausting.
That's where like emotionalexhaustion comes in, right?
Mm-hmm.
You're like, why am I always sotired?
I'm like, well, because.
You're not processing youremotions or you're not thinking
intentionally.
Going back to the mind part ofthis.
Kellyn Legaath (11:03):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (11:04):
Um, you're either bypassing it or getting more
angry or, you know, whatever itis.
So,
MaryAnn Walker (11:09):
yeah.
Yeah.
And then that's when weemotionally react and then it,
that's when we label ourselvesas being, oh, I'm too emotional.
I'm too outta control.
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
I love what you said about howoverthinking is under feeling.
Like, I wanna just talk aboutthat one for just a second,
because I think especially whenyou've been doing the work, when
you know, like we're, we're bothcoaches, right?
(11:30):
So like for me, I'm like, no, Ishould be able to logic my way
out of this because I know thatmy thoughts are creating my
feelings, so I just need tochange my thoughts.
Yeah.
And then I'll be working withKel and she's like, Nope,
remember, we're gonna feel ourfeelings first.
And then when you also talkedabout how, yeah, like it's going
to.
Be trapped in the body.
A book that I love is The BodyKeeps the Score.
I'm gonna definitely be leavingthat one in the show notes, but
(11:53):
it is really interesting to seehow emotions manifest in the
body, how they do impact ourphysical health and wellness.
And so when we think that thesethings aren't impacting us, they
really are.
And it can be interesting to,even as I'm coaching with people
to see.
The correlation between, youknow, I think a lot of people
pleasers, they may have backpain because they're bending
(12:14):
over backwards to help otherpeople.
They might have neck andshoulder pain because the weight
of the world is on theirshoulders.
Like these are very commonthings.
Sore throats.
I was just gonna say sorethroat.
Kellyn Legath (12:24):
I used to
MaryAnn Walker (12:24):
get a
Kellyn Legath (12:25):
sore throat all the time.
I really.
I hardly get them anymore.
MaryAnn Walker (12:29):
Yeah.
'cause they're not speakingtheir truth.
They're not stating a boundary,but that all of these things
that we stuff down, they areimpacting us.
We think, well, if I can justpretend it doesn't bother me,
but your body is gonna let youknow that, Hey, guess what?
You're still holding onto that.
Kellyn Legath (12:42):
Yeah,
MaryAnn Walker (12:43):
yeah, yeah.
Kellyn Legath (12:44):
It's so, so important to just Yeah.
You know, and, and it goes backto truth, right?
Mm-hmm.
It goes back to what we'retalking about at the top of the
episode of, of what's true foryou.
Yeah.
Just'cause you're experiencingdoesn't mean it's bad and.
To your point too about like,you know, being in a session
with me and wanting to solve it.
Yeah.
Actually it's like, of course,because there is a degree of, of
(13:09):
perception or the, I always saythe story that you wanna tell.
Kellyn Legaath (13:13):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (13:13):
Um, and, and reframing what's going on in
your experience.
But everybody jumps ahead tothat trying to, to feel better
instead.
Doing the emotional processingand it's like that's where the
pain comes in, right?
Yeah.
It's like, oh, I have thisthought.
Let me change the thought.
And it's like, wait, you'remissing a step in the middle.
(13:34):
Yes, you're trying to hop acrossthe bridge when there's a
stepping stone in the middlethat you're, you're, you know,
missing.
Yeah.
And then you fall into thewater.
MaryAnn Walker (13:42):
Yes, exactly.
Okay, so along that line here, Ithought it would be really fun
for us to do a little bit of arole play.
So knowing my audience here, Ithought we'd do two different
role plays.
So Kellyn's in on this, it'sgonna be great.
So we're gonna do kind of just amodel of what it might look like
in coaching.
We're just gonna make these fiveminutes or less for each one.
But, uh, so.
If we're gonna talk about how tonavigate your own emotions and
(14:03):
then also how to navigate itwhen you're upset that somebody
else is having an emotion,right?
So sometimes it's what'simpacting us and sometimes it's
the other people are havingemotions, but it really comes
back to.
Us navigating our own discomfortand learning how to n navigate
all of that.
So first we're gonna start with,um, Kellyn.
Kellyn is going to be my clienttoday, and Kellyn is just fresh
(14:25):
out of a relationship and well,you know, it's been a while, but
she's just feeling some negativeemotions still that she thinks
she should be over.
So we'll just jump on in.
All right, so Kellyn, hey,thanks so much for coming to
coaching today.
What's going on?
I
Kellyn Legath (14:39):
just, I wanna be over this relationship.
It's affecting me.
I, I'm anxious, I keep dwellingon it, and I feel so sad all the
time.
Kellyn Legaath (14:48):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (14:48):
Um, and it's been so long and I, I just, I don't
wanna feel this way.
And I'm like, I know he's notright for me.
And I know the relationshipwasn't healthy and I thought
about the things that he did anddidn't do.
And, you know, I understand thatI made mistakes in the
relationship too, but it's, it'sstill bothering me.
I don't, I wanna move on.
MaryAnn Walker (15:08):
Yeah, so that's really interesting'cause it
sounds like you feel like it'sbeen long enough, you're kind of
shooting on yourself.
So how long has it been, whendid you guys break up?
Um, it's been two months.
Two months.
Okay.
And so you, after two months,you feel like, okay, and I
should be a hundred percent overthis and kind of back out there.
Mm-hmm.
So it sounds like there's kindof two things happening for you.
(15:29):
You're kind of sitting on your,I mean, you're going, first of
all, feeling uncomfortable aboutthe relationship and still
healing from that, which ishuman.
But it's gonna be really hard toeven get to the heart of those
emotions and, and healing fromthe relationship.
When on top of that you'readding shame thinking, well, I
should be further along in myhealing.
So which one do you wanna sitwith first?
(15:50):
Do you wanna sit with the shamefirst?
Or, or just the sadness aroundand the grief around the loss of
the relationship.
'cause those are two separatethings.
Yeah, I'm, I think the sadness.
Okay.
Yeah.
So let's kind of sit with that.
Yeah.
So how long were you dating thisguy?
Kellyn Legath (16:08):
Um, we were together for about a year.
MaryAnn Walker (16:10):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it makes sense that you'd befeeling sad at that loss, right?
Yeah.
So where, how does that sadnessfeel for you?
Let's just kind of sit with itfor a minute.
Where is it?
Where is it in your body?
Kellyn Legath (16:23):
Um, it's in my chest and it's in my throat, and
I can feel, as you're asking methese questions, I feel like I
want to run, I wanna pull out ofthis conversation.
MaryAnn Walker (16:35):
Yeah, that makes sense, right?
Because you've been resistingthat sadness.
You've been resisting thesadness and shaming it, so
there's that part of you that'sashamed that you're feeling it.
There's that part of you thatwants to run away.
We're just gonna acknowledgethose parts and just say, okay,
yep, I, it makes sense.
You're trying to protect me fromfeeling the sadness, but it's
safe to feel it now.
(16:56):
Mm-hmm.
And as we can sit with it, thenwe can really kind of process it
and move on.
Yeah.
So let's kind of justacknowledge that resistance and
bring it back to the sadness.
Kellyn Legaath (17:06):
Okay.
MaryAnn Walker (17:06):
You said you were feeling it in your throat
and in your chest.
What does it feel like?
My throat feels tight.
Kellyn Legaath (17:13):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (17:13):
Um, and my chest.
My chest actually feels bettersince you sort of.
Brought me back.
Mm-hmm.
Like, set the resistances thereand, and brought it back.
It, but it does feel just, um, Ifeel a lot of, like a little bit
of pressure in my chest.
Like it almost is like anelephant is sitting on it.
MaryAnn Walker (17:35):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So let's just kind of observethat for a little bit.
Kellyn Legaath (17:38):
Mm-hmm.
MaryAnn Walker (17:41):
We're just noticing that feeling of the
elephant on your chest.
And I want you to just kind oflet it be for a minute rather
than resisting it.
Rather than shaming it.
Just acknowledge it.
That, yeah.
I feel really sad and it feelslike there's an elephant on my
chest.
Kellyn Legath (18:02):
I, I recognize that this is a thought, but I,
I'm thinking this doesn't feelgood.
MaryAnn Walker (18:07):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And why does grief and sadnessneed to feel good?
Kellyn Legaath (18:13):
Hmm.
MaryAnn Walker (18:15):
Because recognizing that, okay, well,
yeah, of course it doesn't feelgood.
It's o it's okay for it to notfeel good.
You know, sometimes we shameourselves for having that grief
and that sadness.
Kellyn Legaath (18:26):
Mm-hmm.
MaryAnn Walker (18:27):
But that's a part of life and it's okay.
It, it's safe to have thoseemotions.
Mm-hmm.
It's okay to mourn the loss of arelationship.
How does that elephant feel now?
Kellyn Legath (18:43):
The elephant feels better.
I really feel it in my throat.
MaryAnn Walker (18:47):
Hmm.
Just
Kellyn Legath (18:47):
a tightness, like a bubble?
MaryAnn Walker (18:49):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tell me more about that.
What's happening in your throat?
Um,
Kellyn Legath (18:55):
just feels like, um, like stuck energy is how I'm
gonna describe it.
Obviously, I don't feelconstricted.
I can talk and I can respond toyou.
But it feels,
MaryAnn Walker (19:10):
it feels kind of hot.
Yeah.
And that makes sense.
Yeah.
A lot of people, when I talkwith'em about their grief and
their sadness, especially ifthey've been resisting it, it's
almost like they, they just needto let it out.
They just, it's almost like alump in their throat, like they
wanna cry.
Kellyn Legaath (19:25):
Mm-hmm.
MaryAnn Walker (19:27):
Have you been able to give yourself space to
just feel that sadness and letthat flow?
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (19:34):
Not in this way.
No.
I've been thinking a lot abouthow I don't want it to be here.
MaryAnn Walker (19:39):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I'm gonna go back 20 of yourearlier thoughts that part of
you feels like you should bedone with it.
Mm-hmm.
Sometimes we even tellourselves, oh, well I did cry,
so now I should be done.
Kellyn Legaath (19:50):
Mm-hmm.
MaryAnn Walker (19:51):
But grief and sadness kind of comes in waves.
Kellyn Legaath (19:55):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (19:59):
Even just talking about it now and tuning into it,
I can feel it sort of feels alot less.
Kellyn Legaath (20:04):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (20:05):
It feels like it's like a, like a sandcastle,
like pieces of it are kind ofbreaking off and going into the
water and it's still there, butit feels less,
MaryAnn Walker (20:17):
yeah.
Awesome.
Well, thank you so much forsharing.
Yeah.
So you can kind of see throughthat just little mini real play
post that was highly condensed.
But the, it's always interestingto see the different emotions
that come up.
Right?
So there was the sadness and thegrief.
There's also the shame, there'salso the resistance, and we can
just acknowledge each of those.
Sometimes when we're trying sohard to feel and process a
(20:39):
specific emotion, we're justgonna bury it in other emotions,
right?
And we can eventually get tothose other emotions.
But when we can really get tothe.
Root of the emotions.
It's really cool to see howthose other ones, they just kind
of loosen their grip.
Mm-hmm.
Basically, those other emotionsare just there to protect us.
The emotional, you don't wannaexperience a negative emotion.
Right?
Kellyn Legath (20:58):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think, sorry to cut youoff, the emotional stacking,
right.
The kind of, oh, I'm mad aboutbeing sad.
Kellyn Legaath (21:07):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (21:07):
Right.
I'm annoyed, I'm frustratedabout being.
About grieving the loss of thisfriendship.
Yeah.
I'm so angry, right?
Mm-hmm.
And I think, um, that, that sohappens, that happens.
I see that most often in, insession with people.
It's like we, yeah.
We have to peel them off one ata time, right?
Yeah.
To, to your point, you know,ideally, and, and there's no
(21:30):
right or wrong.
I'll, I'll.
All emotions lead to Rome,right?
Mm-hmm.
But, um, you know, ideally it'slike, first we, we have to peel
the first layer off of like, whyare you shaming yourself for,
for feeling sad, right?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And find out what's going onthere.
Because once you can understandthat, oh, I feel like I feel
stupid, that I felt too hard,and, you know mm-hmm.
(21:52):
Peel that layer back, then youcan kind of access the sadness,
right?
Kellyn Legaath (21:55):
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (21:56):
But if there's a bunch of barnacles on it, it's
like we can't get to it.
We can't get to the.
MaryAnn Walker (22:02):
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (22:02):
The root.
MaryAnn Walker (22:03):
Yeah.
So good.
Okay, now we're gonna switch theroles a little bit.
And Kellyn's now gonna coach me.
I am a client.
I'm having a really hard timewith my siblings being in a
fight.
We'll just go ahead and jumpright in.
Great.
Kellyn Legath (22:15):
Hi.
It's
MaryAnn Walker (22:16):
so good to see you, Marianne.
Hi.
Tell me what's going on.
What are we coaching on today?
Well, my siblings are in a bigfight and I just hate it.
I, I just don't know why theycan't just forgive each other
and move on.
They just needed change.
They should not be treating eachother this way.
Why?
Why do you want them to forgiveeach other and move on?
(22:38):
Well, I mean, they should,right?
They, you do for family.
They should just forgive eachother.
This is family.
They should be loving each otherand they shouldn't be treating
each other this way.
I just can't stand it.
Kellyn Legath (22:48):
Hmm.
MaryAnn Walker (22:48):
Tell me why they should be doing that.
Well, they're supposed to aren'tthey?
Isn't family supposed to likeeach other and be nice?
Kellyn Legath (22:59):
What if part of being a family is, is being
human and having human emotionsand being angry and
MaryAnn Walker (23:09):
holding grudges?
Well, first of all, theyshouldn't be angry.
Like, don't they even see howthis is impacting me?
It's impacting me.
It's impacting the whole family.
Like it's not even about them.
Can't they see how much it'simpacting everybody?
Mm-hmm.
Why is it impacting you?
Well, it's really uncomfortablefor me.
I mean, I want my family to getalong.
(23:30):
Mm-hmm.
You know, the holidays arecoming up and I want us to be
able to be together, and I don'twanna be worried about the
conversations.
I don't wanna be worried aboutif somebody's gonna show up or
not, or who's gonna sit by who,or if there's gonna be a big
fight.
I, I just, I don't want that.
I just want it to be peaceful.
Kellyn Legath (23:47):
Hmm.
What, what is most prevalent toyou?
Is it the worry?
Is it the discomfort?
What are you feeling most?
MaryAnn Walker (23:57):
I think I'm just scared.
I'm scared that my family'sfalling apart.
Kellyn Legath (24:02):
Mm.
MaryAnn Walker (24:03):
Okay.
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (24:06):
Tell me about that fear.
What does, what does feelingscared feel like in your body?
MaryAnn Walker (24:12):
It feels really chaotic.
I, I don't like it, like I wannajump out of my skin.
It, it just feels likeeverything's out of my control
and, and that.
It makes me scared.
I, I, there's too many things Ican't predict.
Hmm.
Just taking a
Kellyn Legath (24:27):
second and, and just take notice of your body
and you can put your feet on theground.
Mm-hmm.
And ground down for a second andjust tune in when you think my
family is falling apart.
If, let me know if you noticeany sensations in your body.
It could be from your head.
You could do a body scan fromtop to bottom.
Mm-hmm.
You could start at your feet andwork your way up, but do you
(24:49):
notice anything?
You think that?
MaryAnn Walker (24:52):
Yeah.
I mean, underneath that, I, Ithink I feel a lot of sadness.
Hmm.
Like, once that, that fear kindof stopped, just scrambling my
energy.
Like, I, I just feel sad.
It's like I'm having griefbefore anything's even really
happened, it's just me assumingthat it's all gonna fall apart.
Yeah.
(25:12):
And
Kellyn Legath (25:12):
where do you, I see you holding your chest.
Where do you notice sadness?
MaryAnn Walker (25:16):
Yeah, it's sad in my heart.
Like my heart is just heavy.
Kellyn Legath (25:19):
Hmm.
Feels heavy.
MaryAnn Walker (25:21):
Yeah, it feels heavy and dark and, and closed.
Kellyn Legath (25:25):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And, and what about, um, a, thespeed of it?
Does sadness feel really fast?
Does it feel slow?
You mentioned chaotic.
The fear felt a little chaotic,but how does sadness feel?
MaryAnn Walker (25:39):
Yeah, the fear was all over the place, but the
sadness is like a heavy stone.
It's just, it's dark, it's cold,it's heavy.
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (25:48):
And if we just allow knowing that your mind
wants to solve this problem orthinks that this or agree
argument in your family is aproblem, right?
Mm-hmm.
Knowing that your mind wants itto go away, knowing your mind
wants it to feel better, what ifwe just allowed the sadness to
be there just to witness it, nottry to change it.
(26:11):
We're not trying to keep itaround either, but just to
witness it and just to sit withit and pull up a chair.
Let it eat it.
MaryAnn Walker (26:18):
Yeah.
I mean, honestly, when you saythat, it does feel a little bit
better because when I reallythink about it, if my family
were falling apart, I wouldwanna be sad.
I wouldn't wanna be happy.
I wouldn't want any otheremotion like it.
It makes sense that I, like I,if I could choose an emotion
around that, I would choose tojust be sad.
Kellyn Legaath (26:39):
Right,
Kellyn Legath (26:40):
right.
Sometimes sadness is the correctemotional response.
You went exactly to what yousaid.
You don't wanna be happy, right?
The goal is never to be just.
Positive, thinking positivelyabout your family when things
are not, that's not the realityof it.
Right?
MaryAnn Walker (27:00):
Yeah.
And it's strange that even justacknowledging that, like in that
situation, that hasn't evenhappened yet, right?
Like I'm just, this is just inmy imagination, but just
acknowledging that okay, if thathappened, I, it would be a
choice for me to be sad aboutit.
Like, it's funny that, thatmakes me feel lighter.
It makes just giving myselfpermission to be sad about them
(27:22):
having a hard time.
Is that weird that it makes mefeel a little bit better?
Kellyn Legath (27:28):
Not at all.
Of course, giving yourselfpermission is taking the power
from the external and knowingthat you are in control of your
emotions.
That you're allowing them to bethere, that it's okay that
they're there.
It's full permission of youremotional experience.
MaryAnn Walker (27:47):
Well, it's also interesting.
I'm also noticing that justaccepting the sadness, that it
actually helps me to love thembetter, because now I'm not
angry with them as much.
I don't have as much anger andresentment towards them.
Kellyn Legath (28:01):
Right.
Right.
And then that's interesting withthat anger.
Anger, there's, there's less ofa forcefulness in trying to fix
or solve for their, theirargument.
MaryAnn Walker (28:15):
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (28:16):
Right.
MaryAnn Walker (28:16):
Yeah.
Awesome.
Okay.
Well, so as you guys willnotice, neither of us really
tried to fix the emotion for theother person.
Like we were just a witness.
We encourage curiosity and theemotions naturally shift, and
that's what's so fascinating iswe create so much more what we
resist persists.
And so when we're resisting thenegativity emotion, we actually
(28:38):
compounding it.
As we talked about thosecompounding emotions.
We're adding an.
On top of it, we're addingmostly a lot of shame is the
most common one that I see in mypractice is the shame that
things should be different or Ishould be better.
I shouldn't be feeling thisfeeling and then judgment,
Kellyn Legath (28:51):
right?
Mm-hmm.
Judgment is the other one, likereally judging themselves
around,
MaryAnn Walker (28:56):
yeah, you get over this or.
I'm being too dramatic, right?
Yeah, yeah.
And all we did was just getcurious about it.
I think that curiosity is sohealing of just, oh, okay, well
is there a different emotion Iwould choose to feel in the
situation?
You know, where it's like, no,that's, that's actually a pretty
good emotion to feel in in thosecircumstances, that I'm okay
(29:17):
with feeling sad if that's mycircumstance.
And so it is just reallyinteresting to see how that
curiosity and just havingpermission to feel that alone
can help to lighten so much.
Kellyn Legath (29:28):
Truly, truly the, the permission is everything,
right?
Because again, it goes back tothat, that beach ball.
Kellyn Legaath (29:34):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (29:35):
The permission is just like letting the beach ball
float around on top of the waterand let the wind take it and let
it be there, and eventually itblows outta the pool.
Kellyn Legaath (29:43):
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (29:43):
And.
And the, the, the resistance ofit is pushing it down.
You're using so much energy thenyou're not enjoying your time in
the pool.
MaryAnn Walker (29:52):
Yep, exactly.
And
Kellyn Legath (29:53):
then you're tired and you're like,
MaryAnn Walker (29:55):
I can't kick anymore.
And, you know.
Yeah.
So that leads into our thirdtalking point, which is how to
change your relationship withthe emotions that you've been
avoiding.
Kellyn Legath (30:05):
I love this topic.
I, you know, this was such aneyeopening moment for me in my
own healing journey.
Mm-hmm.
Your, your thoughts with.
About anything.
Kellyn Legaath (30:15):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (30:16):
Is the root of your relationship with that
thing.
Kellyn Legaath (30:19):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (30:20):
So if your thoughts about money are, money
is terrible, you're gonna have aterrible relationship with
money.
Right?
If your thoughts around your momare negative, you're gonna have
a negative experience.
You know, with your mom.
Kellyn Legaath (30:34):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (30:34):
And the same goes for emotions, right?
If you think sadness and anger,um, are wrong or bad, you're,
you're going to be resistingthose most often.
Kellyn Legaath (30:45):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (30:46):
And, um, you know, I, the, the perfect
example, I always love to givethis example is jealousy, right?
Mm-hmm.
And to me, this goes back to.
To societal programming aroundour, our society says if you're
a jealous person, that's so bad.
Mm-hmm.
Jealousy is bad.
It makes you bitchy, it makesyou insecure, it makes you all
(31:07):
of these things, right?
Yes.
And I think as I was goingthrough my healing journey, I, I
really investigated that and I.
Got a reframe through a podcastthat I always used to listen to,
and they were like, oh, jealousyis is showing you what you want.
It's it.
It's not about the other person.
It's sort of this soulrecognition, this desire of,
(31:29):
Hey, I.
I want this thing.
Right.
And I think, I think peoplelistening can really relate.
Like, have you ever had a friendthat's like, has a boyfriend and
you find yourself acting jealousor feeling jealous?
Yeah.
And you're like, I don't evenlike that guy.
I'm not even attracted to him.
Right.
You're looking at like thematerial thing and trying to, to
make sense of it.
And it's not about that, right?
(31:50):
Yeah.
There's a deeper, there's adeeper soul knowing of like,
sure, you might not want him,you not, might not be jealous
of.
Like that person in particular.
Mm-hmm.
But what you're jealous of is,um, a nurturing person, right?
Mm-hmm.
You might see him open the cardoor for her or carry her bags
(32:11):
and you're like, oh, I desiresupport.
Right?
Yeah.
When I changed this mindsetaround jealousy, I, it became
like one of my favoriteemotions.
Like, I'm like, oh, look atthis.
It's a cheat code, right?
I'm like, oh, look at this thingthat I really want, right?
And I'm like, oh, I'm so like,I'll, I'll name it in such a.
(32:31):
An obvious way.
I'm like, oh, I'm so jealous ofyou.
I want that thing too.
Right.
And it takes away so much of thepower and the shame, and, and we
can do this with any emotion.
I think anger, I'm, I'minterested to hear what you
think about this, but I thinkanger is one, especially with
women that we so often feel likewe're not allowed to feel.
(32:53):
Um, and especially in the, the.
Um, B-I-P-O-C community, likean, like being angry is so bad
and like this label that you getfor being an angry person and
mm-hmm.
It's just like, okay, wait asecond.
No anger is.
Is informative or anger istelling you something, right?
Kellyn Legaath (33:17):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (33:17):
And to be able to open up to that and, and not put
the umbrella of, oh, I'm, if I'mangry, I'm bad, or if I'm angry,
I'm a crazy person, or
Kellyn Legaath (33:26):
mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (33:27):
Whatever it is, yeah.
It, it will change everythingbecause you, again, you won't be
able to open up to something ifthere is a cage around it,
right?
Mm-hmm.
If, if the story being told isthis is absolutely bad and
wrong.
Then that's what will happen.
MaryAnn Walker (33:43):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So what I hear you sayingbasically is name it to tame it,
like identify the emotion.
Yeah.
And then use the emotion as acheat code to get information.
I love that you call it a cheatcode.
This is how you level up people.
You use this cheat code and it'sso great.
It really is.
It really is like a code.
Yeah, because, and that's onething that we didn't do in the
(34:03):
role play, but we've often donefor each other in coaching is,
all right, so now that we havefelt the emotion, that's the
next step is what is thatemotion there to teach you?
Kellyn Legaath (34:12):
Yeah.
MaryAnn Walker (34:12):
And like you said with the jealousy, okay,
well maybe that's showing methat I am in native nurturing,
I'm in need of adventure.
I'm in need of affection.
I'm in need of, right?
Like figuring out, oh, what isthe thing that I am seeking?
And, and then once you're ableto identify it, again, it's the
name entertainment.
Once you know why it is thatyou're experiencing that
emotion, then you can createchange for yourself.
(34:32):
Absolutely.
And it also helps.
To neutralize those emotions.
So then instead of listing themas good or bad or masculine or
feminine, or like the ones thatwe are allowed or not allowed to
feel.
Kellyn Legaath (34:44):
Yeah.
MaryAnn Walker (34:45):
When we're just able to be curious about'em,
like, okay, what emotion am Iexperiencing?
Like most people are able toidentify mad, sad, and glad they
can identify three emotions, butwhat else is there?
And getting curious about, okay.
When we're curious, itautomatically helps to
neutralize them.
We're not judging'em as much.
When you're curious about it,it's like, oh, isn't that
interesting?
(35:05):
Like, oh look, resentment justshowed up for me today.
What is that about?
Oh, this resentment is showingme that things are out of
balance in this relationship.
Then you have information tosee.
You have the cheat code, right?
To see, okay, so now how can Icreate change?
If I'm feeling like there's animbalance and it's creating
resentment, what do I need todo?
Do I need to state a boundary?
Do I need to make a request ofthem so that I feel like it's
(35:27):
going both ways?
What is it that I can do, whichis so empowering.
Once you're able to recognize,recognize that, okay, this is a
cheat code to help me to getwhat I want, it's so empowering.
It really, we feel disempoweredwhen we're feeling the negative
emotions.
But if we can get curious andsee what is it there to teach
me?
That's where theself-empowerment comes in.
Kellyn Legath (35:45):
Totally, totally.
And I think this is one of thethings that, uh.
You know, you're looking, we'reall looking for tools, right?
Mm-hmm.
We're like, what's, what's goingon with me?
I want this to go away.
And, and it's like one, like yousaid, one of the most empowering
tools to be like, oh, this ishere.
This is information.
My body is so smart.
My, this organism that we'reliving in is so smart that it's
(36:06):
like.
Hey, I'm gonna send youinformation.
You're really angry because thisis crossing a boundary for you.
Yeah.
And you know, sometimes we can't see it.
Our body sends us signals andlike, what a loving thing.
You know?
I think so often, depending onwhere you are with your
relationship with emotions, itcan feel like, oh, this is
terrible.
I don't wanna feel this way.
(36:27):
And it's like, oh no, what aloving thing.
That our bodies and our nervoussystems are so smart that
they're like, Hey, we're gonnasend you a signal.
MaryAnn Walker (36:36):
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (36:37):
To let you know, Hey, time to check in, check
into your body.
MaryAnn Walker (36:40):
Yes.
Yep.
Yeah.
And I've had so many clientswhere, you know, all, all
different reasons.
Either it's because they've beenconditioned that they weren't
allowed to have emotions, ormaybe they were in a toxic
relationship or it wasn't safeto experience emotions, but now
they're in coaching.
And they're feeling so tiredagain, the body keeps the score.
They're feeling exhausted.
(37:00):
They're feeling overwhelmed.
They're wondering, okay, what iswrong with me?
And I should be finished feelingthese feelings because I'm no
longer that person anymore.
And it's like, okay, but youstill have to feel and process
the things that you suppressedfor all those years.
Yeah.
Like we still need to dedicatesome time and space to, okay,
it's safe now to feel creatingthat personal safety.
(37:21):
You know, there's lots ofdifferent ways that you can.
Feel and process your emotions.
Some people come to coaching,some people go to breath work,
finding something that reallyresonates with you, spending
time in nature.
Um, right.
Like, there are so manydifferent ways that you can just
create those safe spaces foryourself to feel in a process,
but it can make a hugedifference.
Oh my
Kellyn Legath (37:38):
gosh.
Absolutely.
I, I think what you just hit ontoo is, is really interesting.
You know, I, I tend to bring theinner child into the work that I
do and mm-hmm.
It's very future focused.
But I think there's also an, youknow, it's, it's really
important to acknowledge sort ofwhen the inner child is running
the show and in that we, I tendto take inventory of.
When you were little, what wereyou not allowed to feel?
Kellyn Legaath (38:00):
Hmm.
Kellyn Legath (38:01):
You know, and that's sort of your roadmap
right away.
I think, um, you know, for somepeople, positive emotion, they
weren't allowed to feel right.
They weren't allowed to beoverexcited because mom and dad
said, you're being loud, andthat's rude, right?
Kellyn Legaath (38:15):
Mm-hmm.
So
Kellyn Legath (38:15):
suddenly they're in adulthood and they're like,
oh, I, I don't get, I don't liketo get too excited.
And then you end up missing outon processing the positive
emotions.
And we can kind of move intothat too, like.
You know once, because you'renot POS processing negative
emotions, you're surely not proprocessing positive ones.
Yeah.
And to be, well, once you sitwith the negative, you start to
(38:37):
open up to the positive more.
And I think like there have beenso many instances where.
I am having a, such a greatexperience and I'm able to tap
into my body and be like, oh myGod, doesn't, doesn't joy feel
so good?
You know, doesn't,
it's,
you know, doesn't love just feel amazing and we
know it feels good, but to beable to sit with it and really
(38:57):
experience it, your, your wholelife opens up in such a
different way.
MaryAnn Walker (39:01):
I love that so much because I think that we
have this belief that we canselectively numb emotions.
We think, okay, if I can justnumb the negative emotions, then
I'll be fine.
But we can't selectively numbthe emotions.
And so it is by default thatwe're, we're preventing
ourselves from experiencing thatjoy.
And, and I love what you sharedabout that.
(39:22):
I really want my listeners to bethinking about, have I shamed
myself for my positive ornegative emotions?
You know, have I shamed myselfor no, I'm not allowed to
celebrate myself.
I'm not allowed to celebrate mysuccesses.
I'm not allowed to be happy.
It's childish to be happy andplayful and excited about
things.
Yeah.
Um, so just as we label emotionsas, oh, well, you know, uh,
(39:45):
white women aren't allowed toexperience that emotion.
It's like, no, we, we've like,we've narrowed it down.
So it's like, oh no, that one'schildish.
That one, only men are allowedto feel that one is overused by
women.
You know, we tend to, right,right.
To have so much judgments aroundit.
So I love that you brought thatup to just create space for
feeling.
And I think even if you're notin a space, you know, maybe you
(40:05):
do want to come to coaching tohelp to identify the emotions
that you would like supportfeeling.
But you could start today.
I mean, just pick any emotion.
Uh, I think of one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I purchased an emotions book formy kids and for a while we would
just.
Pick an emotion at the dinnertable.
We'd flip open, pick an emotion,we'd take turns who was picking
it, and we would just getcurious about it.
Have you ever felt that emotionbefore?
(40:28):
What did it feel like for you?
It gave my kids the vocabularyand also provided a space where
we could just feel thoseemotions.
Then we'd be able, better ableto recognize even in the body.
Okay, am I experiencingnervousness or excitement?
They're very similar in thebody.
Yeah.
Okay.
And then, okay.
Nope, this one is more excited.
So it feels a lot likenervousness, but I'm mostly
(40:50):
excited about doing this thing.
And then you can nurture theones that you choose into.
Kellyn Legath (40:55):
Totally.
Your emotional vocabulary growsso intensely.
I, I think to your point, uh,you know, there was a time where
I was so anxious and I keptsaying, this is anxiety, this is
anxiety, this is anxiety.
And then when I felt into itmore, and, and again, I can't.
I can't stress enough how thisis a dance between mind and
body, right?
(41:16):
What am I thinking that's makingme feel this way?
What am I feeling?
Like?
It's sort of, it, it, there's,it's an art, right?
Mm-hmm.
Not a science.
It's sort of a back and forthand staying curious and checking
in.
But you know, as I, I movethrough my process and.
I was like, oh, I'm sayingeverything is anxiety.
I just bucketed because Ibelieve that I was an anxious
(41:37):
person.
Right, right.
Again, think of how we relate toourselves.
Mm-hmm.
If we tell these stories of, oh,I'm anxious, then anytime an
emotion happens, you're anxious.
Right.
Yeah, and, and I started to tunein and I'm like.
But yeah, I'm like feeling it inmy throat, oh, this is anger
that feels different and, andyou can start to peel apart and
(41:57):
differentiate and, andunderstand yourself on just such
a different level.
MaryAnn Walker (42:01):
Yeah.
I love that you said thatbecause so often.
Around this resistance aroundemotions.
It's interesting to really breakit down like, okay, well yes,
I'm feeling nervous and anxiousand uncomfortable, but why?
Yeah.
Oh, it's because I'm tryingsomething new.
Like even noting that as you arepracticing feeling your
emotions.
Yeah.
Noticing, okay, I'm going to beexperiencing resistance because
(42:24):
this is new for me.
Yeah.
But
that form of discomfort is so worth it to
just know that, okay, my bodyhas become so familiar with the
grief, the anger, theresentment.
It's, it's become so familiar tome that it almost feels like a
safe little wooy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Where it's like I want toclinging to that emotion because
(42:44):
it feels familiar, and thereforemy nervous system says that it's
safe, but it's not serving you.
Right.
And practicing the discomfortof, I'm going to lean into
curiosity.
I'm gonna get curious about thatresentment.
I'm gonna get curious about whyI'm so angry.
I'm gonna look at what thingsare and are not in my control,
and just see how things move forme.
Being willing to be just alittle bit uncomfortable as you
(43:06):
practice this.
Like that is an emotion.
I hope all of you are takingaway from this is I'm willing to
be uncomfortable enough toexperience full joy.
Kellyn Legath (43:15):
Totally.
Oh, what a good, oh, what a goodsentiment.
Yeah.
And even as you're saying that,I'm like, discomfort,
discomfort's.
One of the best emotions to kindof, to take inventory on.
Yeah.
Right.
I like to say take inventory,but like, am I willing to feel
discomfort?
Can I tolerate discomfort in mybody?
MaryAnn Walker (43:33):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (43:34):
You know, and, and just start, even start
there.
MaryAnn Walker (43:36):
Yeah.
Yep.
Because all good things startout as kind of uncomfortable in
the beginning, right?
When you're They do.
It's a little uncomfortable, butit's okay.
It's okay.
Kellyn Legaath (43:45):
It'll be okay.
Yeah.
All right.
MaryAnn Walker (43:47):
Well, we're running low on time.
So is the, what's your maintakeaway from this conversation,
Kellyn?
What's one thing that you reallywant our listeners to feel into?
Yeah.
I think the biggest thing isunderstanding that.
Kellyn Legath (43:58):
Emotions.
They're, they're not here tohurt you.
Sometimes they can feel so badand it can feel, and, and it's
the resistance that hurts,right?
I think we haven't really tappedinto that, but, but maybe this
is the perfect closing, right?
It's not the emotion that hurtsus, it's the resistance to the
emotion.
Sadness is not that bad whenyou, when you open up to it, but
(44:21):
when you're pushing it andpushing it and carrying those
rocks in your backpack andtrying to jump on that beach
ball.
It, it's really painful.
Yeah.
Um,
and, and if you've done that your whole life
again, it makes so much sense.
It's how we're, we're, um,taught, but try something
different.
Mm-hmm.
Try something different and openup and just, you'll see how much
(44:43):
the opening up, um, allows it tobe there and just, it will
change your life really.
Yeah.
Emotions are the most importantthing.
MaryAnn Walker (44:52):
Yeah.
Um,
Kellyn Legath (44:52):
that we have.
MaryAnn Walker (44:53):
I love that.
Yeah, and I think that maybethat's the first emotion you
choose to sit with is just whyam I resisting feeling this
emotion?
Yeah.
Sit with that resistance andeven using that as a cheat code,
right?
Using all of the emotions as acheat code.
That's my main takeaway.
Kellyn was you saying thatemotions are cheat code.
I love that
Kellyn Legaath (45:13):
you are.
They're,
MaryAnn Walker (45:15):
yeah, they're, and
Kellyn Legath (45:16):
it's beautiful pieces of, of information,
right?
Mm-hmm.
If we go back to the sadness ofa relationship, like.
That sadness is showing you somuch.
Yeah.
That's showing you thatrelationship mattered to you,
that you deeply cared for thatother person, that you really
have a desire to be inrelationship.
That's so much information,right?
(45:38):
Yeah.
And we can't access that wisdomif we're like, I shouldn't be
sad.
This is stupid.
I, that guy was terrible.
And you know, we're, we'reblaming our emotions on other
people.
Mm-hmm.
We can't access all thatbeautiful wisdom.
MaryAnn Walker (45:51):
Yeah.
Which brings us back to, I lovethis, this has now come full
circle, which brings us back tothe difference between positive
thinking and emotional bypassingis remembering that.
Positive thinking is the truth,the whole truth, and nothing but
the truth.
So when we're only focusing onhow uncomfortable that emotion
is, we're forgetting the beautythat comes from it.
We're forgetting to look at andisn't it beautiful that that
(46:13):
grief is showing me how muchlove was there?
Isn't it beautiful that, um,that jealousy is showing me what
it is that I want to be seekingout in a relationship?
It's showing me what my greenflags are, but recognizing that,
okay, what's the whole truthhere?
And, and opening yourself up tothat.
Totally.
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (46:32):
I love it.
MaryAnn Walker (46:33):
Well, thank you so much for being here,
everybody, and if you would likesome help and support learning
how to sit with your emotions,um, feel free to reach out to
me.
Feel free to reach out toKellyn.
Kellyn.
How can they find you?
Um, you can find me onInstagram.
I'm at Daydreamer Coaching ordaydreamer coaching.com.
Awesome.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I'll put all of her informationin the show notes as well as a
(46:53):
link to the book.
The Body Keeps the Score.
I highly recommend.
So yeah, thank you so much forbeing here, and I'll see you
next week.
See you soon.
Bye.
Bye.
well, hello and welcome back.
I am so excited to have KellynLegath back on the show.
It has been a hot minute sinceyou've been on Kellyn.
It has, and I'm so excited to beback.
I feel like our
Kellyn Legath (00:10):
conversations, we we're always like, let's keep
going.
And there's always so much totalk about.
Perfect.
MaryAnn Walker (00:16):
Yeah, I just love it.
So for those of you that haven'tmet Kellyn yet, I absolutely
adore her.
I believe that everybody,including coaches, need coaches
and Kellyn has become mine.
And so I just love, like, Ithink a lot of people are going
to relate to the idea that Ithink for many people, pleasers,
myself included, I have aneasier time sitting with other
people's emotions than I do myown emotions.
(00:37):
And so something I deeplyappreciated about Kellyn is she
really helps me to bring it backto self, to remind myself how to
feel and process emotionsbecause I'm human too.
And I've noticed for myself whenI am feeling tired, when I'm
feeling extra big emotions,sometimes I just need a little
bit more support.
And so when this particular,thread popped up on Instagram
(01:01):
that people were getting excitedabout and Kellyn was like, oh my
gosh, yes.
So true.
Then I was like, okay, good.
We need to bring Kellyn on toactually talk about this.
'cause it's a very big deal.
So, yeah.
So thank you so much for beinghere, Kellyn, and I'm excited to
jump in.
Kellyn Legath (01:15):
Oh, me too.
I, this is gonna be a juicytopic.
I feel like there's a lot,
MaryAnn Walker (01:19):
there's a lot here.
Yeah.
So first I'm going to read youthe Instagram posts that we're
going to be referencing.
Several of you commented onthis, and then,, we're gonna
kind of just dive into it.
So the Instagram post says a lotof people are practicing
emotional avoidance and callingit a positive mindset.
But positivity that bypassespain isn't healing, it's
suppression.
(01:40):
And suppressed emotions don'tdisappear.
They fester, they resurface.
They sabotage relationships.
Self-worth and nervous systemsafety.
You don't have to"good vibesonly" your way through grief,
disappointment, or anger, youare allowed to feel deeply and
hold onto hope.
You are allowed to name what ishard without labeling yourself
(02:00):
as negative.
Healing invites all of you tothe table, even the most messy,
uncomfortable parts.
Real positivity isn't aboutignoring the pain, it's about
being honest with it and stillchoosing to move forward.
So kind of using that as ourpremise today, we're going to
really kind of break this downinto three different components.
So first, we're gonna talk aboutthe difference between positive
thinking and emotionalbypassing, how to sit with
(02:23):
emotions, and then how to changeyour relationship with the
emotions that you are avoiding.
So, Kellyn, let's just jumpright in.
Okay.
So what, for you, how would youdefine the difference between
positive thinking and emotionalbypassing through that lens of
toxic positivity?
Kellyn Legath (02:38):
Yeah.
Uh, positive thinking is reallyto me, thinking intentionally.
And, and what I mean by that isreally tuning into yourself and
saying, okay.
What's true here?
I, I think people, I, I alwaysuse the phrase rainbows and
butterflies, and that came from,um, our own coach training, but
I think it really resonates somuch where like, people wanna go
(03:00):
to the land of rainbows andbutterflies of positive.
Yeah.
It's all good and good vibes.
Only the perfect example in yourintro, right?
Yeah.
Um, or don't worry about it, youknow, and it's, it's like.
Sure.
But you're, you're jumping sofar from what's really true and,
and I think that's a reallyimportant aspect of what you
said in your intro as well.
It's like, it's about truth.
(03:22):
It's a, it's really about like,does this feel good to me?
And that's more positive.
Even 1% is more positive thanlike everything is terrible,
right?
Mm-hmm.
You're not gonna go fromeverything is absolutely ter,
absolutely terrible to.
No big deal.
Everything's, it's all good.
It's all gonna work out, right?
Kellyn Legaath (03:39):
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (03:40):
And that brings me to like the emotional bypass,
right?
Mm-hmm.
Um, anytime there is anemotional bypass, it's sort of a
stuffing or a pushing down ofthe real truth of the emotion
of, of what you're feeling.
Um, a lot of times it's like,oh, it doesn't really matter, or
I shouldn't, shoulds shouldn'tYourself is a big one.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
(04:00):
I shouldn't care.
I should be over this.
Um, I shouldn't be talking aboutthis so much.
I don't know why this isbothering me.
Let's just move on.
Right.
It's sort of this suppression ofwhat's honest and true for what
you're e experiencing.
Mm-hmm.
Um, so to me that's, that's.
What it comes down to, boilsdown to.
MaryAnn Walker (04:21):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love that.
Yeah.
For me, I kind of think ofpositive thinking as the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing butthe truth.
I think.
I think that when people arenegative people, then they're
the ones that are only focusingon the negative and they have a
hard time seeing a.
Okay, what's the good that'scoming out of this?
And also the toxic positivity isrefusing to see the hard, right?
(04:42):
So it's kind of like, okay, wellwhat's the truth?
The whole truth, and nothing butthe truth.
Because all of life is both ofthose things, right?
Mm-hmm.
So it's saying, yes, this ishard and right.
It's the this and these twothings can both be true at the
same time.
I don't have to.
It, it's not mutually exclusive.
Right.
It doesn't mean that becausethings are hard, I can't be
happy and it doesn't mean, youknow, and the reverse is also
(05:04):
not true.
Right.
And then like that emotionalbypassing is, yeah, like I said,
like it's, it's kind of thatsuppression like, okay, well I
don't wanna feel that.
I love how you brought up theshoulds, right?
Like, oh, well I should be overit by now.
I shouldn't be feeling this.
Well, they should be feelingthis way instead.
Right?
Like when you notice thoseshoulds, I think that's like the
number one thing that lets meknow that, okay, maybe I'm
(05:26):
trying to like emotionallybypass this.
I'm not actually sitting with myemotions.
Kellyn Legath (05:32):
Totally.
And I think I wanna justhighlight something you said.
'cause I think it's reallyimportant of the, it it really.
Does sort of boil down to blackand white thinking.
Hmm.
Like
negativity is like, this is really terrible.
Everything's bad, nothing'sworking.
And then positivity is like,everything's great.
No worries.
(05:52):
Rainbows and butterflies, right?
Mm-hmm.
Like thunderstorms and tornadoesand rainbows and butterflies,
and it's like we're trying what?
What the truth of the matter isof like true emotional
processing is being able to sitin that gray area.
Being able to sit with thediscomfort.
And I think that's an important,a really, really important
aspect because so often peopleare like, Nope, it has to be
(06:14):
good or it has to be bad.
Or like, there is so muchdiscomfort in that gray area
because we're not taught to sitthere.
Right?
Mm-hmm.
I, I feel like every time I comeonto your podcast, I always go
into my rant about like, this isa societal thing.
Yeah.
Like anybody that's listening,if they're like, oh, that's me,
or, that feels really bad, andyou start to notice some shame,
like, I just wanna.
(06:35):
You know, plant the seed that,think about the way our society
is.
We're not taught to process ouremotions.
Men are told they'll, they'retoo emotional.
Women are told they're tooemotional, and if, mm-hmm.
See life through that lensautomatically you, what you're
learning is emotions are bad,right?
Emotional expression is bad, orfeeling a big emotion is bad.
Kellyn Legaath (06:57):
Yeah.
So
Kellyn Legath (06:58):
we're, we're back to
MaryAnn Walker (06:58):
black and white, bad and good.
Absolutely.
Well, and then the twoemotional, right?
Mm-hmm.
It's like, okay.
Too emotional for who?
Yes, exactly.
Like most of the time when it'slike, oh, well, they're too
emotional.
It's because we are having ahard time emotionally processing
the fact that somebody's havinga feeling.
It's creating a feeling for us,so we're experiencing that
resistance.
It's like, well, if I can justjudge it and make them wrong
(07:21):
mm-hmm.
Then I won't have to process myfeelings, which is bypassing,
right?
It's like, no, I'm right.
It's bypassing everybody aroundme.
Kellyn Legath (07:28):
Totally.
And we're back again to blackand white, right?
Mm-hmm.
Right or wrong.
Me or me or them, like who's,who's to blame me or you.
Right.
It's, yeah.
It's choose one or the other andit's just, it's not that.
MaryAnn Walker (07:41):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So one of the questions that Igot on social media was
basically like, but how do yousit with emotions?
Because I don't want to sit withthe negativity emotions.
Why would you want to sit withthe negative emotions?
Yeah.
What are your thoughts on that?
Oh, so many thoughts.
Kellyn Legath (07:56):
Um, okay.
The first thing is, you know,this is a sort of, um.
What, what's the word I'mlooking for?
Just like a blanket statement,you know, to simplify it to
really dumb it down.
Mm-hmm.
But if you're intellectualizingand over and talking about an
emotion, you're not processingit.
Kellyn Legaath (08:16):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (08:17):
Right.
I always say like, overoverthinking is under feeling.
Right.
So much of what we do is uphere.
Think especially in therapy inour minds.
Processing is a body experience.
So mind is intellectualizingthinking, oh, I'm really angry.
Processing is in the body.
Kellyn Legaath (08:37):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (08:38):
Feeling into where is anger showing up?
Where do I feel my heartpounding and my fists are
clenched and my jaw is tight.
That's the processing.
It's being able to map it withinyour.
Your body.
Mm-hmm.
Um, that's, that's the biggest thing.
Um, and then to answer thesecond part of like, why would
you want to, you're like, thatsounds terrible.
(09:00):
Yeah.
You're like, what do you mean?
Why would I sit with anger?
Or I'll use sadness.
'cause I think that's one that,especially for me, has always
been, um, a really.
Hard emotion to open up to.
Kellyn Legaath (09:14):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (09:14):
Because I'm like, oh, sadness feels so terrible.
It feels just, you know, a deepemotional feeling in my chest,
in my gut.
You know, we can talk aboutchakras probably in, in all of
that, but, um, save that foranother podcast maybe.
Um, but you know, I think itgoes back to what we're saying
in the beginning of when you'rerepressing an emotion, it has
(09:36):
nowhere to go.
Kellyn Legaath (09:38):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (09:38):
Right.
It you're just pushing it down.
Pushing it down, and, and Ican't say this enough.
I think this is an analogy I usewith my clients.
I'm wondering if you use it too,um, about the beach, A beach
ball.
Um, suppressing an emotion orbypassing emotion is like
holding a beach fall underwater.
And I think this is such aperfect analogy because we all
(09:59):
know that when we're like thatfeeling right, and it's like fun
and it's playful, and you'relike, sure, we don't have to
worry about that, but it alwayspops back up.
Kellyn Legaath (10:07):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (10:07):
And you know, emotions are energy.
They need somewhere to go, theyneed something to do, or else
they end up sitting in your bodyand, you know, it can lead to
illness and so many otherthings, right?
Mm-hmm.
It's for your own benefit.
Um, another analogy I often useis like, when you don't process
your emotions, it's likecarrying a backpack full of
(10:29):
rocks.
Imagine you go through yourwhole day and you're like, oh,
bad emotion.
I'm not gonna look at it.
And you put a rock in yourbackpack.
Mm-hmm.
And then you keep walking againand you're like, oh, my boss
said this really mean thing, andit upset me.
Oh, now I'm putting another rockin my backpack.
And you get to the end of yourday and you're so weighed down
Kellyn Legaath (10:46):
by
Kellyn Legath (10:46):
all this emotion that you're not able to sit with
and process.
And it's, it's exhausting.
That's where like emotionalexhaustion comes in, right?
Mm-hmm.
You're like, why am I always sotired?
I'm like, well, because.
You're not processing youremotions or you're not thinking
intentionally.
Going back to the mind part ofthis.
Kellyn Legaath (11:03):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (11:04):
Um, you're either bypassing it or getting more
angry or, you know, whatever itis.
So,
MaryAnn Walker (11:09):
yeah.
Yeah.
And then that's when weemotionally react and then it,
that's when we label ourselvesas being, oh, I'm too emotional.
I'm too outta control.
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
I love what you said about howoverthinking is under feeling.
Like, I wanna just talk aboutthat one for just a second,
because I think especially whenyou've been doing the work, when
you know, like we're, we're bothcoaches, right?
(11:30):
So like for me, I'm like, no, Ishould be able to logic my way
out of this because I know thatmy thoughts are creating my
feelings, so I just need tochange my thoughts.
Yeah.
And then I'll be working withKel and she's like, Nope,
remember, we're gonna feel ourfeelings first.
And then when you also talkedabout how, yeah, like it's going
to.
Be trapped in the body.
A book that I love is The BodyKeeps the Score.
I'm gonna definitely be leavingthat one in the show notes, but
(11:53):
it is really interesting to seehow emotions manifest in the
body, how they do impact ourphysical health and wellness.
And so when we think that thesethings aren't impacting us, they
really are.
And it can be interesting to,even as I'm coaching with people
to see.
The correlation between, youknow, I think a lot of people
pleasers, they may have backpain because they're bending
(12:14):
over backwards to help otherpeople.
They might have neck andshoulder pain because the weight
of the world is on theirshoulders.
Like these are very commonthings.
Sore throats.
I was just gonna say sorethroat.
Kellyn Legath (12:24):
I used to
MaryAnn Walker (12:24):
get a
Kellyn Legath (12:25):
sore throat all the time.
I really.
I hardly get them anymore.
MaryAnn Walker (12:29):
Yeah.
'cause they're not speakingtheir truth.
They're not stating a boundary,but that all of these things
that we stuff down, they areimpacting us.
We think, well, if I can justpretend it doesn't bother me,
but your body is gonna let youknow that, Hey, guess what?
You're still holding onto that.
Kellyn Legath (12:42):
Yeah,
MaryAnn Walker (12:43):
yeah, yeah.
Kellyn Legath (12:44):
It's so, so important to just Yeah.
You know, and, and it goes backto truth, right?
Mm-hmm.
It goes back to what we'retalking about at the top of the
episode of, of what's true foryou.
Yeah.
Just'cause you're experiencingdoesn't mean it's bad and.
To your point too about like,you know, being in a session
with me and wanting to solve it.
Yeah.
Actually it's like, of course,because there is a degree of, of
(13:09):
perception or the, I always saythe story that you wanna tell.
Kellyn Legaath (13:13):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (13:13):
Um, and, and reframing what's going on in
your experience.
But everybody jumps ahead tothat trying to, to feel better
instead.
Doing the emotional processingand it's like that's where the
pain comes in, right?
Yeah.
It's like, oh, I have thisthought.
Let me change the thought.
And it's like, wait, you'remissing a step in the middle.
(13:34):
Yes, you're trying to hop acrossthe bridge when there's a
stepping stone in the middlethat you're, you're, you know,
missing.
Yeah.
And then you fall into thewater.
MaryAnn Walker (13:42):
Yes, exactly.
Okay, so along that line here, Ithought it would be really fun
for us to do a little bit of arole play.
So knowing my audience here, Ithought we'd do two different
role plays.
So Kellyn's in on this, it'sgonna be great.
So we're gonna do kind of just amodel of what it might look like
in coaching.
We're just gonna make these fiveminutes or less for each one.
But, uh, so.
If we're gonna talk about how tonavigate your own emotions and
(14:03):
then also how to navigate itwhen you're upset that somebody
else is having an emotion,right?
So sometimes it's what'simpacting us and sometimes it's
the other people are havingemotions, but it really comes
back to.
Us navigating our own discomfortand learning how to n navigate
all of that.
So first we're gonna start with,um, Kellyn.
Kellyn is going to be my clienttoday, and Kellyn is just fresh
(14:25):
out of a relationship and well,you know, it's been a while, but
she's just feeling some negativeemotions still that she thinks
she should be over.
So we'll just jump on in.
All right, so Kellyn, hey,thanks so much for coming to
coaching today.
What's going on?
I
Kellyn Legath (14:39):
just, I wanna be over this relationship.
It's affecting me.
I, I'm anxious, I keep dwellingon it, and I feel so sad all the
time.
Kellyn Legaath (14:48):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (14:48):
Um, and it's been so long and I, I just, I don't
wanna feel this way.
And I'm like, I know he's notright for me.
And I know the relationshipwasn't healthy and I thought
about the things that he did anddidn't do.
And, you know, I understand thatI made mistakes in the
relationship too, but it's, it'sstill bothering me.
I don't, I wanna move on.
MaryAnn Walker (15:08):
Yeah, so that's really interesting'cause it
sounds like you feel like it'sbeen long enough, you're kind of
shooting on yourself.
So how long has it been, whendid you guys break up?
Um, it's been two months.
Two months.
Okay.
And so you, after two months,you feel like, okay, and I
should be a hundred percent overthis and kind of back out there.
Mm-hmm.
So it sounds like there's kindof two things happening for you.
(15:29):
You're kind of sitting on your,I mean, you're going, first of
all, feeling uncomfortable aboutthe relationship and still
healing from that, which ishuman.
But it's gonna be really hard toeven get to the heart of those
emotions and, and healing fromthe relationship.
When on top of that you'readding shame thinking, well, I
should be further along in myhealing.
So which one do you wanna sitwith first?
(15:50):
Do you wanna sit with the shamefirst?
Or, or just the sadness aroundand the grief around the loss of
the relationship.
'cause those are two separatethings.
Yeah, I'm, I think the sadness.
Okay.
Yeah.
So let's kind of sit with that.
Yeah.
So how long were you dating thisguy?
Kellyn Legath (16:08):
Um, we were together for about a year.
MaryAnn Walker (16:10):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it makes sense that you'd befeeling sad at that loss, right?
Yeah.
So where, how does that sadnessfeel for you?
Let's just kind of sit with itfor a minute.
Where is it?
Where is it in your body?
Kellyn Legath (16:23):
Um, it's in my chest and it's in my throat, and
I can feel, as you're asking methese questions, I feel like I
want to run, I wanna pull out ofthis conversation.
MaryAnn Walker (16:35):
Yeah, that makes sense, right?
Because you've been resistingthat sadness.
You've been resisting thesadness and shaming it, so
there's that part of you that'sashamed that you're feeling it.
There's that part of you thatwants to run away.
We're just gonna acknowledgethose parts and just say, okay,
yep, I, it makes sense.
You're trying to protect me fromfeeling the sadness, but it's
safe to feel it now.
(16:56):
Mm-hmm.
And as we can sit with it, thenwe can really kind of process it
and move on.
Yeah.
So let's kind of justacknowledge that resistance and
bring it back to the sadness.
Kellyn Legaath (17:06):
Okay.
MaryAnn Walker (17:06):
You said you were feeling it in your throat
and in your chest.
What does it feel like?
My throat feels tight.
Kellyn Legaath (17:13):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (17:13):
Um, and my chest.
My chest actually feels bettersince you sort of.
Brought me back.
Mm-hmm.
Like, set the resistances thereand, and brought it back.
It, but it does feel just, um, Ifeel a lot of, like a little bit
of pressure in my chest.
Like it almost is like anelephant is sitting on it.
MaryAnn Walker (17:35):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So let's just kind of observethat for a little bit.
Kellyn Legaath (17:38):
Mm-hmm.
MaryAnn Walker (17:41):
We're just noticing that feeling of the
elephant on your chest.
And I want you to just kind oflet it be for a minute rather
than resisting it.
Rather than shaming it.
Just acknowledge it.
That, yeah.
I feel really sad and it feelslike there's an elephant on my
chest.
Kellyn Legath (18:02):
I, I recognize that this is a thought, but I,
I'm thinking this doesn't feelgood.
MaryAnn Walker (18:07):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And why does grief and sadnessneed to feel good?
Kellyn Legaath (18:13):
Hmm.
MaryAnn Walker (18:15):
Because recognizing that, okay, well,
yeah, of course it doesn't feelgood.
It's o it's okay for it to notfeel good.
You know, sometimes we shameourselves for having that grief
and that sadness.
Kellyn Legaath (18:26):
Mm-hmm.
MaryAnn Walker (18:27):
But that's a part of life and it's okay.
It, it's safe to have thoseemotions.
Mm-hmm.
It's okay to mourn the loss of arelationship.
How does that elephant feel now?
Kellyn Legath (18:43):
The elephant feels better.
I really feel it in my throat.
MaryAnn Walker (18:47):
Hmm.
Just
Kellyn Legath (18:47):
a tightness, like a bubble?
MaryAnn Walker (18:49):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tell me more about that.
What's happening in your throat?
Um,
Kellyn Legath (18:55):
just feels like, um, like stuck energy is how I'm
gonna describe it.
Obviously, I don't feelconstricted.
I can talk and I can respond toyou.
But it feels,
MaryAnn Walker (19:10):
it feels kind of hot.
Yeah.
And that makes sense.
Yeah.
A lot of people, when I talkwith'em about their grief and
their sadness, especially ifthey've been resisting it, it's
almost like they, they just needto let it out.
They just, it's almost like alump in their throat, like they
wanna cry.
Kellyn Legaath (19:25):
Mm-hmm.
MaryAnn Walker (19:27):
Have you been able to give yourself space to
just feel that sadness and letthat flow?
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (19:34):
Not in this way.
No.
I've been thinking a lot abouthow I don't want it to be here.
MaryAnn Walker (19:39):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I'm gonna go back 20 of yourearlier thoughts that part of
you feels like you should bedone with it.
Mm-hmm.
Sometimes we even tellourselves, oh, well I did cry,
so now I should be done.
Kellyn Legaath (19:50):
Mm-hmm.
MaryAnn Walker (19:51):
But grief and sadness kind of comes in waves.
Kellyn Legaath (19:55):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (19:59):
Even just talking about it now and tuning into it,
I can feel it sort of feels alot less.
Kellyn Legaath (20:04):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (20:05):
It feels like it's like a, like a sandcastle,
like pieces of it are kind ofbreaking off and going into the
water and it's still there, butit feels less,
MaryAnn Walker (20:17):
yeah.
Awesome.
Well, thank you so much forsharing.
Yeah.
So you can kind of see throughthat just little mini real play
post that was highly condensed.
But the, it's always interestingto see the different emotions
that come up.
Right?
So there was the sadness and thegrief.
There's also the shame, there'salso the resistance, and we can
just acknowledge each of those.
Sometimes when we're trying sohard to feel and process a
(20:39):
specific emotion, we're justgonna bury it in other emotions,
right?
And we can eventually get tothose other emotions.
But when we can really get tothe.
Root of the emotions.
It's really cool to see howthose other ones, they just kind
of loosen their grip.
Mm-hmm.
Basically, those other emotionsare just there to protect us.
The emotional, you don't wannaexperience a negative emotion.
Right?
Kellyn Legath (20:58):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think, sorry to cut youoff, the emotional stacking,
right.
The kind of, oh, I'm mad aboutbeing sad.
Kellyn Legaath (21:07):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (21:07):
Right.
I'm annoyed, I'm frustratedabout being.
About grieving the loss of thisfriendship.
Yeah.
I'm so angry, right?
Mm-hmm.
And I think, um, that, that sohappens, that happens.
I see that most often in, insession with people.
It's like we, yeah.
We have to peel them off one ata time, right?
Yeah.
To, to your point, you know,ideally, and, and there's no
(21:30):
right or wrong.
I'll, I'll.
All emotions lead to Rome,right?
Mm-hmm.
But, um, you know, ideally it'slike, first we, we have to peel
the first layer off of like, whyare you shaming yourself for,
for feeling sad, right?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And find out what's going onthere.
Because once you can understandthat, oh, I feel like I feel
stupid, that I felt too hard,and, you know mm-hmm.
(21:52):
Peel that layer back, then youcan kind of access the sadness,
right?
Kellyn Legaath (21:55):
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (21:56):
But if there's a bunch of barnacles on it, it's
like we can't get to it.
We can't get to the.
MaryAnn Walker (22:02):
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (22:02):
The root.
MaryAnn Walker (22:03):
Yeah.
So good.
Okay, now we're gonna switch theroles a little bit.
And Kellyn's now gonna coach me.
I am a client.
I'm having a really hard timewith my siblings being in a
fight.
We'll just go ahead and jumpright in.
Great.
Kellyn Legath (22:15):
Hi.
It's
MaryAnn Walker (22:16):
so good to see you, Marianne.
Hi.
Tell me what's going on.
What are we coaching on today?
Well, my siblings are in a bigfight and I just hate it.
I, I just don't know why theycan't just forgive each other
and move on.
They just needed change.
They should not be treating eachother this way.
Why?
Why do you want them to forgiveeach other and move on?
(22:38):
Well, I mean, they should,right?
They, you do for family.
They should just forgive eachother.
This is family.
They should be loving each otherand they shouldn't be treating
each other this way.
I just can't stand it.
Kellyn Legath (22:48):
Hmm.
MaryAnn Walker (22:48):
Tell me why they should be doing that.
Well, they're supposed to aren'tthey?
Isn't family supposed to likeeach other and be nice?
Kellyn Legath (22:59):
What if part of being a family is, is being
human and having human emotionsand being angry and
MaryAnn Walker (23:09):
holding grudges?
Well, first of all, theyshouldn't be angry.
Like, don't they even see howthis is impacting me?
It's impacting me.
It's impacting the whole family.
Like it's not even about them.
Can't they see how much it'simpacting everybody?
Mm-hmm.
Why is it impacting you?
Well, it's really uncomfortablefor me.
I mean, I want my family to getalong.
(23:30):
Mm-hmm.
You know, the holidays arecoming up and I want us to be
able to be together, and I don'twanna be worried about the
conversations.
I don't wanna be worried aboutif somebody's gonna show up or
not, or who's gonna sit by who,or if there's gonna be a big
fight.
I, I just, I don't want that.
I just want it to be peaceful.
Kellyn Legath (23:47):
Hmm.
What, what is most prevalent toyou?
Is it the worry?
Is it the discomfort?
What are you feeling most?
MaryAnn Walker (23:57):
I think I'm just scared.
I'm scared that my family'sfalling apart.
Kellyn Legath (24:02):
Mm.
MaryAnn Walker (24:03):
Okay.
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (24:06):
Tell me about that fear.
What does, what does feelingscared feel like in your body?
MaryAnn Walker (24:12):
It feels really chaotic.
I, I don't like it, like I wannajump out of my skin.
It, it just feels likeeverything's out of my control
and, and that.
It makes me scared.
I, I, there's too many things Ican't predict.
Hmm.
Just taking a
Kellyn Legath (24:27):
second and, and just take notice of your body
and you can put your feet on theground.
Mm-hmm.
And ground down for a second andjust tune in when you think my
family is falling apart.
If, let me know if you noticeany sensations in your body.
It could be from your head.
You could do a body scan fromtop to bottom.
Mm-hmm.
You could start at your feet andwork your way up, but do you
(24:49):
notice anything?
You think that?
MaryAnn Walker (24:52):
Yeah.
I mean, underneath that, I, Ithink I feel a lot of sadness.
Hmm.
Like, once that, that fear kindof stopped, just scrambling my
energy.
Like, I, I just feel sad.
It's like I'm having griefbefore anything's even really
happened, it's just me assumingthat it's all gonna fall apart.
Yeah.
(25:12):
And
Kellyn Legath (25:12):
where do you, I see you holding your chest.
Where do you notice sadness?
MaryAnn Walker (25:16):
Yeah, it's sad in my heart.
Like my heart is just heavy.
Kellyn Legath (25:19):
Hmm.
Feels heavy.
MaryAnn Walker (25:21):
Yeah, it feels heavy and dark and, and closed.
Kellyn Legath (25:25):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And, and what about, um, a, thespeed of it?
Does sadness feel really fast?
Does it feel slow?
You mentioned chaotic.
The fear felt a little chaotic,but how does sadness feel?
MaryAnn Walker (25:39):
Yeah, the fear was all over the place, but the
sadness is like a heavy stone.
It's just, it's dark, it's cold,it's heavy.
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (25:48):
And if we just allow knowing that your mind
wants to solve this problem orthinks that this or agree
argument in your family is aproblem, right?
Mm-hmm.
Knowing that your mind wants itto go away, knowing your mind
wants it to feel better, what ifwe just allowed the sadness to
be there just to witness it, nottry to change it.
(26:11):
We're not trying to keep itaround either, but just to
witness it and just to sit withit and pull up a chair.
Let it eat it.
MaryAnn Walker (26:18):
Yeah.
I mean, honestly, when you saythat, it does feel a little bit
better because when I reallythink about it, if my family
were falling apart, I wouldwanna be sad.
I wouldn't wanna be happy.
I wouldn't want any otheremotion like it.
It makes sense that I, like I,if I could choose an emotion
around that, I would choose tojust be sad.
Kellyn Legaath (26:39):
Right,
Kellyn Legath (26:40):
right.
Sometimes sadness is the correctemotional response.
You went exactly to what yousaid.
You don't wanna be happy, right?
The goal is never to be just.
Positive, thinking positivelyabout your family when things
are not, that's not the realityof it.
Right?
MaryAnn Walker (27:00):
Yeah.
And it's strange that even justacknowledging that, like in that
situation, that hasn't evenhappened yet, right?
Like I'm just, this is just inmy imagination, but just
acknowledging that okay, if thathappened, I, it would be a
choice for me to be sad aboutit.
Like, it's funny that, thatmakes me feel lighter.
It makes just giving myselfpermission to be sad about them
(27:22):
having a hard time.
Is that weird that it makes mefeel a little bit better?
Kellyn Legath (27:28):
Not at all.
Of course, giving yourselfpermission is taking the power
from the external and knowingthat you are in control of your
emotions.
That you're allowing them to bethere, that it's okay that
they're there.
It's full permission of youremotional experience.
MaryAnn Walker (27:47):
Well, it's also interesting.
I'm also noticing that justaccepting the sadness, that it
actually helps me to love thembetter, because now I'm not
angry with them as much.
I don't have as much anger andresentment towards them.
Kellyn Legath (28:01):
Right.
Right.
And then that's interesting withthat anger.
Anger, there's, there's less ofa forcefulness in trying to fix
or solve for their, theirargument.
MaryAnn Walker (28:15):
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (28:16):
Right.
MaryAnn Walker (28:16):
Yeah.
Awesome.
Okay.
Well, so as you guys willnotice, neither of us really
tried to fix the emotion for theother person.
Like we were just a witness.
We encourage curiosity and theemotions naturally shift, and
that's what's so fascinating iswe create so much more what we
resist persists.
And so when we're resisting thenegativity emotion, we actually
(28:38):
compounding it.
As we talked about thosecompounding emotions.
We're adding an.
On top of it, we're addingmostly a lot of shame is the
most common one that I see in mypractice is the shame that
things should be different or Ishould be better.
I shouldn't be feeling thisfeeling and then judgment,
Kellyn Legath (28:51):
right?
Mm-hmm.
Judgment is the other one, likereally judging themselves
around,
MaryAnn Walker (28:56):
yeah, you get over this or.
I'm being too dramatic, right?
Yeah, yeah.
And all we did was just getcurious about it.
I think that curiosity is sohealing of just, oh, okay, well
is there a different emotion Iwould choose to feel in the
situation?
You know, where it's like, no,that's, that's actually a pretty
good emotion to feel in in thosecircumstances, that I'm okay
(29:17):
with feeling sad if that's mycircumstance.
And so it is just reallyinteresting to see how that
curiosity and just havingpermission to feel that alone
can help to lighten so much.
Kellyn Legath (29:28):
Truly, truly the, the permission is everything,
right?
Because again, it goes back tothat, that beach ball.
Kellyn Legaath (29:34):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (29:35):
The permission is just like letting the beach ball
float around on top of the waterand let the wind take it and let
it be there, and eventually itblows outta the pool.
Kellyn Legaath (29:43):
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (29:43):
And.
And the, the, the resistance ofit is pushing it down.
You're using so much energy thenyou're not enjoying your time in
the pool.
MaryAnn Walker (29:52):
Yep, exactly.
And
Kellyn Legath (29:53):
then you're tired and you're like,
MaryAnn Walker (29:55):
I can't kick anymore.
And, you know.
Yeah.
So that leads into our thirdtalking point, which is how to
change your relationship withthe emotions that you've been
avoiding.
Kellyn Legath (30:05):
I love this topic.
I, you know, this was such aneyeopening moment for me in my
own healing journey.
Mm-hmm.
Your, your thoughts with.
About anything.
Kellyn Legaath (30:15):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (30:16):
Is the root of your relationship with that
thing.
Kellyn Legaath (30:19):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (30:20):
So if your thoughts about money are, money
is terrible, you're gonna have aterrible relationship with
money.
Right?
If your thoughts around your momare negative, you're gonna have
a negative experience.
You know, with your mom.
Kellyn Legaath (30:34):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (30:34):
And the same goes for emotions, right?
If you think sadness and anger,um, are wrong or bad, you're,
you're going to be resistingthose most often.
Kellyn Legaath (30:45):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (30:46):
And, um, you know, I, the, the perfect
example, I always love to givethis example is jealousy, right?
Mm-hmm.
And to me, this goes back to.
To societal programming aroundour, our society says if you're
a jealous person, that's so bad.
Mm-hmm.
Jealousy is bad.
It makes you bitchy, it makesyou insecure, it makes you all
(31:07):
of these things, right?
Yes.
And I think as I was goingthrough my healing journey, I, I
really investigated that and I.
Got a reframe through a podcastthat I always used to listen to,
and they were like, oh, jealousyis is showing you what you want.
It's it.
It's not about the other person.
It's sort of this soulrecognition, this desire of,
(31:29):
Hey, I.
I want this thing.
Right.
And I think, I think peoplelistening can really relate.
Like, have you ever had a friendthat's like, has a boyfriend and
you find yourself acting jealousor feeling jealous?
Yeah.
And you're like, I don't evenlike that guy.
I'm not even attracted to him.
Right.
You're looking at like thematerial thing and trying to, to
make sense of it.
And it's not about that, right?
(31:50):
Yeah.
There's a deeper, there's adeeper soul knowing of like,
sure, you might not want him,you not, might not be jealous
of.
Like that person in particular.
Mm-hmm.
But what you're jealous of is,um, a nurturing person, right?
Mm-hmm.
You might see him open the cardoor for her or carry her bags
(32:11):
and you're like, oh, I desiresupport.
Right?
Yeah.
When I changed this mindsetaround jealousy, I, it became
like one of my favoriteemotions.
Like, I'm like, oh, look atthis.
It's a cheat code, right?
I'm like, oh, look at this thingthat I really want, right?
And I'm like, oh, I'm so like,I'll, I'll name it in such a.
(32:31):
An obvious way.
I'm like, oh, I'm so jealous ofyou.
I want that thing too.
Right.
And it takes away so much of thepower and the shame, and, and we
can do this with any emotion.
I think anger, I'm, I'minterested to hear what you
think about this, but I thinkanger is one, especially with
women that we so often feel likewe're not allowed to feel.
(32:53):
Um, and especially in the, the.
Um, B-I-P-O-C community, likean, like being angry is so bad
and like this label that you getfor being an angry person and
mm-hmm.
It's just like, okay, wait asecond.
No anger is.
Is informative or anger istelling you something, right?
Kellyn Legaath (33:17):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (33:17):
And to be able to open up to that and, and not put
the umbrella of, oh, I'm, if I'mangry, I'm bad, or if I'm angry,
I'm a crazy person, or
Kellyn Legaath (33:26):
mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (33:27):
Whatever it is, yeah.
It, it will change everythingbecause you, again, you won't be
able to open up to something ifthere is a cage around it,
right?
Mm-hmm.
If, if the story being told isthis is absolutely bad and
wrong.
Then that's what will happen.
MaryAnn Walker (33:43):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So what I hear you sayingbasically is name it to tame it,
like identify the emotion.
Yeah.
And then use the emotion as acheat code to get information.
I love that you call it a cheatcode.
This is how you level up people.
You use this cheat code and it'sso great.
It really is.
It really is like a code.
Yeah, because, and that's onething that we didn't do in the
(34:03):
role play, but we've often donefor each other in coaching is,
all right, so now that we havefelt the emotion, that's the
next step is what is thatemotion there to teach you?
Kellyn Legaath (34:12):
Yeah.
MaryAnn Walker (34:12):
And like you said with the jealousy, okay,
well maybe that's showing methat I am in native nurturing,
I'm in need of adventure.
I'm in need of affection.
I'm in need of, right?
Like figuring out, oh, what isthe thing that I am seeking?
And, and then once you're ableto identify it, again, it's the
name entertainment.
Once you know why it is thatyou're experiencing that
emotion, then you can createchange for yourself.
(34:32):
Absolutely.
And it also helps.
To neutralize those emotions.
So then instead of listing themas good or bad or masculine or
feminine, or like the ones thatwe are allowed or not allowed to
feel.
Kellyn Legaath (34:44):
Yeah.
MaryAnn Walker (34:45):
When we're just able to be curious about'em,
like, okay, what emotion am Iexperiencing?
Like most people are able toidentify mad, sad, and glad they
can identify three emotions, butwhat else is there?
And getting curious about, okay.
When we're curious, itautomatically helps to
neutralize them.
We're not judging'em as much.
When you're curious about it,it's like, oh, isn't that
interesting?
(35:05):
Like, oh look, resentment justshowed up for me today.
What is that about?
Oh, this resentment is showingme that things are out of
balance in this relationship.
Then you have information tosee.
You have the cheat code, right?
To see, okay, so now how can Icreate change?
If I'm feeling like there's animbalance and it's creating
resentment, what do I need todo?
Do I need to state a boundary?
Do I need to make a request ofthem so that I feel like it's
(35:27):
going both ways?
What is it that I can do, whichis so empowering.
Once you're able to recognize,recognize that, okay, this is a
cheat code to help me to getwhat I want, it's so empowering.
It really, we feel disempoweredwhen we're feeling the negative
emotions.
But if we can get curious andsee what is it there to teach
me?
That's where theself-empowerment comes in.
Kellyn Legath (35:45):
Totally, totally.
And I think this is one of thethings that, uh.
You know, you're looking, we'reall looking for tools, right?
Mm-hmm.
We're like, what's, what's goingon with me?
I want this to go away.
And, and it's like one, like yousaid, one of the most empowering
tools to be like, oh, this ishere.
This is information.
My body is so smart.
My, this organism that we'reliving in is so smart that it's
(36:06):
like.
Hey, I'm gonna send youinformation.
You're really angry because thisis crossing a boundary for you.
Yeah.
And you know, sometimes we can't see it.
Our body sends us signals andlike, what a loving thing.
You know?
I think so often, depending onwhere you are with your
relationship with emotions, itcan feel like, oh, this is
terrible.
I don't wanna feel this way.
(36:27):
And it's like, oh no, what aloving thing.
That our bodies and our nervoussystems are so smart that
they're like, Hey, we're gonnasend you a signal.
MaryAnn Walker (36:36):
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (36:37):
To let you know, Hey, time to check in, check
into your body.
MaryAnn Walker (36:40):
Yes.
Yep.
Yeah.
And I've had so many clientswhere, you know, all, all
different reasons.
Either it's because they've beenconditioned that they weren't
allowed to have emotions, ormaybe they were in a toxic
relationship or it wasn't safeto experience emotions, but now
they're in coaching.
And they're feeling so tiredagain, the body keeps the score.
They're feeling exhausted.
(37:00):
They're feeling overwhelmed.
They're wondering, okay, what iswrong with me?
And I should be finished feelingthese feelings because I'm no
longer that person anymore.
And it's like, okay, but youstill have to feel and process
the things that you suppressedfor all those years.
Yeah.
Like we still need to dedicatesome time and space to, okay,
it's safe now to feel creatingthat personal safety.
(37:21):
You know, there's lots ofdifferent ways that you can.
Feel and process your emotions.
Some people come to coaching,some people go to breath work,
finding something that reallyresonates with you, spending
time in nature.
Um, right.
Like, there are so manydifferent ways that you can just
create those safe spaces foryourself to feel in a process,
but it can make a hugedifference.
Oh my
Kellyn Legath (37:38):
gosh.
Absolutely.
I, I think what you just hit ontoo is, is really interesting.
You know, I, I tend to bring theinner child into the work that I
do and mm-hmm.
It's very future focused.
But I think there's also an, youknow, it's, it's really
important to acknowledge sort ofwhen the inner child is running
the show and in that we, I tendto take inventory of.
When you were little, what wereyou not allowed to feel?
Kellyn Legaath (38:00):
Hmm.
Kellyn Legath (38:01):
You know, and that's sort of your roadmap
right away.
I think, um, you know, for somepeople, positive emotion, they
weren't allowed to feel right.
They weren't allowed to beoverexcited because mom and dad
said, you're being loud, andthat's rude, right?
Kellyn Legaath (38:15):
Mm-hmm.
So
Kellyn Legath (38:15):
suddenly they're in adulthood and they're like,
oh, I, I don't get, I don't liketo get too excited.
And then you end up missing outon processing the positive
emotions.
And we can kind of move intothat too, like.
You know once, because you'renot POS processing negative
emotions, you're surely not proprocessing positive ones.
Yeah.
And to be, well, once you sitwith the negative, you start to
(38:37):
open up to the positive more.
And I think like there have beenso many instances where.
I am having a, such a greatexperience and I'm able to tap
into my body and be like, oh myGod, doesn't, doesn't joy feel
so good?
You know, doesn't,
it's,
you know, doesn't love just feel amazing and we
know it feels good, but to beable to sit with it and really
(38:57):
experience it, your, your wholelife opens up in such a
different way.
MaryAnn Walker (39:01):
I love that so much because I think that we
have this belief that we canselectively numb emotions.
We think, okay, if I can justnumb the negative emotions, then
I'll be fine.
But we can't selectively numbthe emotions.
And so it is by default thatwe're, we're preventing
ourselves from experiencing thatjoy.
And, and I love what you sharedabout that.
(39:22):
I really want my listeners to bethinking about, have I shamed
myself for my positive ornegative emotions?
You know, have I shamed myselfor no, I'm not allowed to
celebrate myself.
I'm not allowed to celebrate mysuccesses.
I'm not allowed to be happy.
It's childish to be happy andplayful and excited about
things.
Yeah.
Um, so just as we label emotionsas, oh, well, you know, uh,
(39:45):
white women aren't allowed toexperience that emotion.
It's like, no, we, we've like,we've narrowed it down.
So it's like, oh no, that one'schildish.
That one, only men are allowedto feel that one is overused by
women.
You know, we tend to, right,right.
To have so much judgments aroundit.
So I love that you brought thatup to just create space for
feeling.
And I think even if you're notin a space, you know, maybe you
(40:05):
do want to come to coaching tohelp to identify the emotions
that you would like supportfeeling.
But you could start today.
I mean, just pick any emotion.
Uh, I think of one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I purchased an emotions book formy kids and for a while we would
just.
Pick an emotion at the dinnertable.
We'd flip open, pick an emotion,we'd take turns who was picking
it, and we would just getcurious about it.
Have you ever felt that emotionbefore?
(40:28):
What did it feel like for you?
It gave my kids the vocabularyand also provided a space where
we could just feel thoseemotions.
Then we'd be able, better ableto recognize even in the body.
Okay, am I experiencingnervousness or excitement?
They're very similar in thebody.
Yeah.
Okay.
And then, okay.
Nope, this one is more excited.
So it feels a lot likenervousness, but I'm mostly
(40:50):
excited about doing this thing.
And then you can nurture theones that you choose into.
Kellyn Legath (40:55):
Totally.
Your emotional vocabulary growsso intensely.
I, I think to your point, uh,you know, there was a time where
I was so anxious and I keptsaying, this is anxiety, this is
anxiety, this is anxiety.
And then when I felt into itmore, and, and again, I can't.
I can't stress enough how thisis a dance between mind and
body, right?
(41:16):
What am I thinking that's makingme feel this way?
What am I feeling?
Like?
It's sort of, it, it, there's,it's an art, right?
Mm-hmm.
Not a science.
It's sort of a back and forthand staying curious and checking
in.
But you know, as I, I movethrough my process and.
I was like, oh, I'm sayingeverything is anxiety.
I just bucketed because Ibelieve that I was an anxious
(41:37):
person.
Right, right.
Again, think of how we relate toourselves.
Mm-hmm.
If we tell these stories of, oh,I'm anxious, then anytime an
emotion happens, you're anxious.
Right.
Yeah, and, and I started to tunein and I'm like.
But yeah, I'm like feeling it inmy throat, oh, this is anger
that feels different and, andyou can start to peel apart and
(41:57):
differentiate and, andunderstand yourself on just such
a different level.
MaryAnn Walker (42:01):
Yeah.
I love that you said thatbecause so often.
Around this resistance aroundemotions.
It's interesting to really breakit down like, okay, well yes,
I'm feeling nervous and anxiousand uncomfortable, but why?
Yeah.
Oh, it's because I'm tryingsomething new.
Like even noting that as you arepracticing feeling your
emotions.
Yeah.
Noticing, okay, I'm going to beexperiencing resistance because
(42:24):
this is new for me.
Yeah.
But
that form of discomfort is so worth it to
just know that, okay, my bodyhas become so familiar with the
grief, the anger, theresentment.
It's, it's become so familiar tome that it almost feels like a
safe little wooy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Where it's like I want toclinging to that emotion because
(42:44):
it feels familiar, and thereforemy nervous system says that it's
safe, but it's not serving you.
Right.
And practicing the discomfortof, I'm going to lean into
curiosity.
I'm gonna get curious about thatresentment.
I'm gonna get curious about whyI'm so angry.
I'm gonna look at what thingsare and are not in my control,
and just see how things move forme.
Being willing to be just alittle bit uncomfortable as you
(43:06):
practice this.
Like that is an emotion.
I hope all of you are takingaway from this is I'm willing to
be uncomfortable enough toexperience full joy.
Kellyn Legath (43:15):
Totally.
Oh, what a good, oh, what a goodsentiment.
Yeah.
And even as you're saying that,I'm like, discomfort,
discomfort's.
One of the best emotions to kindof, to take inventory on.
Yeah.
Right.
I like to say take inventory,but like, am I willing to feel
discomfort?
Can I tolerate discomfort in mybody?
MaryAnn Walker (43:33):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn Legath (43:34):
You know, and, and just start, even start
there.
MaryAnn Walker (43:36):
Yeah.
Yep.
Because all good things startout as kind of uncomfortable in
the beginning, right?
When you're They do.
It's a little uncomfortable, butit's okay.
It's okay.
Kellyn Legaath (43:45):
It'll be okay.
Yeah.
All right.
MaryAnn Walker (43:47):
Well, we're running low on time.
So is the, what's your maintakeaway from this conversation,
Kellyn?
What's one thing that you reallywant our listeners to feel into?
Yeah.
I think the biggest thing isunderstanding that.
Kellyn Legath (43:58):
Emotions.
They're, they're not here tohurt you.
Sometimes they can feel so badand it can feel, and, and it's
the resistance that hurts,right?
I think we haven't really tappedinto that, but, but maybe this
is the perfect closing, right?
It's not the emotion that hurtsus, it's the resistance to the
emotion.
Sadness is not that bad whenyou, when you open up to it, but
(44:21):
when you're pushing it andpushing it and carrying those
rocks in your backpack andtrying to jump on that beach
ball.
It, it's really painful.
Yeah.
Um,
and, and if you've done that your whole life
again, it makes so much sense.
It's how we're, we're, um,taught, but try something
different.
Mm-hmm.
Try something different and openup and just, you'll see how much
(44:43):
the opening up, um, allows it tobe there and just, it will
change your life really.
Yeah.
Emotions are the most importantthing.
MaryAnn Walker (44:52):
Yeah.
Um,
Kellyn Legath (44:52):
that we have.
MaryAnn Walker (44:53):
I love that.
Yeah, and I think that maybethat's the first emotion you
choose to sit with is just whyam I resisting feeling this
emotion?
Yeah.
Sit with that resistance andeven using that as a cheat code,
right?
Using all of the emotions as acheat code.
That's my main takeaway.
Kellyn was you saying thatemotions are cheat code.
I love that
Kellyn Legaath (45:13):
you are.
They're,
MaryAnn Walker (45:15):
yeah, they're, and
Kellyn Legath (45:16):
it's beautiful pieces of, of information,
right?
Mm-hmm.
If we go back to the sadness ofa relationship, like.
That sadness is showing you somuch.
Yeah.
That's showing you thatrelationship mattered to you,
that you deeply cared for thatother person, that you really
have a desire to be inrelationship.
That's so much information,right?
(45:38):
Yeah.
And we can't access that wisdomif we're like, I shouldn't be
sad.
This is stupid.
I, that guy was terrible.
And you know, we're, we'reblaming our emotions on other
people.
Mm-hmm.
We can't access all thatbeautiful wisdom.
MaryAnn Walker (45:51):
Yeah.
Which brings us back to, I lovethis, this has now come full
circle, which brings us back tothe difference between positive
thinking and emotional bypassingis remembering that.
Positive thinking is the truth,the whole truth, and nothing but
the truth.
So when we're only focusing onhow uncomfortable that emotion
is, we're forgetting the beautythat comes from it.
We're forgetting to look at andisn't it beautiful that that
(46:13):
grief is showing me how muchlove was there?
Isn't it beautiful that, um,that jealousy is showing me what
it is that I want to be seekingout in a relationship?
It's showing me what my greenflags are, but recognizing that,
okay, what's the whole truthhere?
And, and opening yourself up tothat.
Totally.
Yeah.
Kellyn Legath (46:32):
I love it.
MaryAnn Walker (46:33):
Well, thank you so much for being here,
everybody, and if you would likesome help and support learning
how to sit with your emotions,um, feel free to reach out to
me.
Feel free to reach out toKellyn.
Kellyn.
How can they find you?
Um, you can find me onInstagram.
I'm at Daydreamer Coaching ordaydreamer coaching.com.
Awesome.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I'll put all of her informationin the show notes as well as a
(46:53):
link to the book.
The Body Keeps the Score.
I highly recommend.
So yeah, thank you so much forbeing here, and I'll see you
next week.
See you soon.
Bye.
Bye.
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