October 23, 2025 • 22 mins
Are you always showing up for everyone else — yet feeling unseen, unfulfilled, or disconnected from yourself?
In this episode, life coach MaryAnn Walker shares the top 10 struggles she sees most often in highly sensitive people and recovering people pleasers — and how to start reclaiming your joy, balance, and authenticity.
As you listen, take a gentle self-inventory. If even one of these resonates, you deserve support. But if four or more hit home, consider it a loving nudge that it’s time to invest in you — because you deserve a life that feels peaceful, balanced, and full of joy.
10 most common struggles:
- You’re checking all the boxes but still not feeling happy.
Life looks good on paper, but joy still feels just out of reach. - You’ve lost yourself in caring for everyone else.
You’re so tuned in to others’ needs that you can’t even identify your own anymore. - You’re doing the lion’s share of emotional labor in your relationships.
You’re the one who comforts, initiates repairs, and carries the weight of everyone’s feelings. - You feel personally responsible for others’ emotions.
You can’t rest until everyone around you is okay — even if it drains you. - You feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
You’re constantly scanning for danger or disapproval, trying to keep everyone happy and avoid conflict. - You feel insecure and wonder if you’re too much or too little.
You replay conversations and second-guess yourself long after interactions have ended. - You love serving others, but something feels missing.
Giving brings you joy — and yet you feel a quiet ache that there should be more for you, too. - You crave deeper, more balanced relationships.
You’re longing for mutual care, emotional depth, and connection where you can be fully yourself. - You’re tired of living on autopilot.
You want more than productivity — you want passion, creativity, and joy. - You’re ready to reconnect with you.
You’ve spent years living by others’ expectations, and now you’re ready to rediscover who you are and what lights you up.
How many are you experiencing?
Work With Me
If you recognized yourself in several of these struggles, know that you’re not alone — and you don’t have to figure it out by yourself. Coaching can help you reconnect with who you are, set healthy boundaries, and create a life that feels balanced and joyful.
✨ Book your free clarity call today to see if coaching is a good fit for you: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
Or email me directly at maryann@maryannwalker.life
Don’t Forget to Subscribe
If you’re new here, welcome! Be sure to follow the podcast so you don’t miss future episodes on emotional healing, boundaries, and reclaiming your joy as a sensitive soul.
Links Mentioned in This Episode
- Welcome Mat vs. Doormat Energy episode: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2028767/episodes/17600742
- Brené Brown: Empathy vs. Sympathy video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZBTYViDPlQ
- Book: Becoming Sister Wives by Christine Woolley Brown https://amzn.to/4neLh1J
- Book a Free Clarity Call: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker and Ihelp recovering people pleasers
and highly sensitive peoplelearn how to experience true
joy.
They do so much further people,and I help them to find joy for
themselves.
You may notice I'm a little bitcongested.
Today.
I am on the tail end of COVID Ilove that I work from home, so
I'm still able to do things andnot get other people sick as I'm
(00:23):
feeling able.
I'm on the mend all as well, butjust letting you know, that's
why I sound a little bitcongested.
It's because I am.
So, I was talking with a friendand listener earlier this week
and she said, Hey, what episode,if you had to pick one episode
for me to refer a friend to, tosee if this was the podcast for
them, which episode would youhave me refer to them to?
(00:43):
And I thought, you know what?
That's a great question.
So I thought for today, I wouldshare the top 10 struggles that
I see most often in mycommunity.
And so many of these strugglesare things that I've addressed
here on the podcast, but Ireally wanted to put as many of
them into one episode to reallyhelp you to see if this is the
place for you.
Okay, so as I list these off, Iinvite you to do a little bit of
(01:03):
a self inventory.
I want you to count how many ofthese feel familiar to you, how
many describe what it is thatyou are currently carrying right
now.
And of course, if just one ofthese things resonates, then
that's enough to reach out forsupport.
You do not have to wait untileverything feels overwhelming in
order to start your personalhealing.
(01:24):
And also, if four or more ofthese really hit close to home,
I want you to take that as aloving nudge, as an invitation
to get support because you dodeserve to have a life that
feels peaceful, balanced, andfull of joy.
So let's dive in.
Okay.
Remember, you're gonna countthese out.
So number one, you are checkingall the boxes, but you're still
(01:46):
not feeling happy.
You've done all the things, youdid everything that you were
supposed to do, and more thanlikely, from the outside looking
in, people may even think orcomment that, wow, your life
just looks picture perfect.
It looks like you have it alltogether.
But at the same time, you aren'texperiencing the joy that you
thought would come after youchecked all of those boxes.
(02:09):
There was this silentexpectation for you that
happiness would magically arriveif and when you finally did all
of the right things.
And while you aren't miserableright now, you also aren't as
happy and fulfilled as youthought you would be.
Maybe even your day-to-day life.
It looks like box checking.
You wake up, you work out, youget the kids ready, you cook,
(02:29):
you clean, you show up for yourfriends, family, coworkers, go
to bed, rinse, and repeat.
It's a routine, yes, but youfind that you're still chasing a
feeling of not just contentmentbut joy, and it feels like joy
is just constantly, barely outof reach for you.
All right?
Number two, you've lost yourselfin caring for everybody else.
(02:50):
Maybe it's a parent or a spouse,a child or a friend, but your
mind is constantly filled withwondering how it is that you
could best meet the needs ofothers.
And yeah, there is joy inserving other people.
And also part of you is waitingfor permission to give voice to
what it is that you want.
You may even feel guilty forwanting something for you, and
(03:12):
honestly, you don't need a lot.
Maybe it's just going out to eatwhere you would like to go, or
having a conversation wheresomebody thinks to ask about how
your trip went or how things aregoing for you.
Because your needs are small.
You feel torn between dismissingthem completely'cause they're
not that big of a deal, right?
And you feel torn between thatand resenting other people for
not fulfilling for you whatshould be a super easy request
(03:36):
to fulfill.
You notice that while you'rehighly aware of other people's
needs, it's really hard for youto talk about your own needs.
In fact, maybe even as you'relistening right now, you aren't
even able to identify what it isthat you need.
You just know that you needsomething different, but you're
not quite sure what it is.
Or maybe even fear, giving voiceto your needs.
You know what they are, but youfear giving voice to them.
(03:56):
You're not quite sure if it'sselfish or not to actually have
needs.
You are scared that if I givevoice to them, will they
actually be met?
So maybe it's just better toshove them down.
You do find joy in your level ofloving and serving others.
For you, loving is a gift.
It's easy for you and also inyour mind, asking others to show
up for you.
It's the hardest thing ever.
(04:19):
As part of this overresponsibility for others,
boundaries are really hard foryou.
As hard as it is for you to makea request to get your needs met,
it is even harder to say no, tostate a boundary, to let them
know, I'm sorry, I don't havethe time for that right now.
You have this belief that ifthere is any possible way that
you could do something forsomeone else, then you should do
(04:39):
that something for someone else.
And again, you believe there isjoy to be found in serving
others, and there is.
And also right now you'renoticing that you're maybe
feeling taken for granted ortaken advantage of, and that
leaves you feeling out ofbalance and resentful.
All right.
Number three, you are doing thelion's share of the emotional
(05:01):
labor in your relationships.
This might look like feelingresponsible to fix it when
somebody's having a hard time.
Maybe you're the one thateverybody comes to when they
want to feel better, andhonestly, you love that part
about yourself.
It feels so good to be able tohelp other people, and also when
you're feeling good and strongand capable, this part is really
easy for you because it justfeels so good to do that for
(05:22):
other people.
But sometimes it just feels likea lot.
And sometimes you want somebodythat you can turn to, somebody
that can hold space for you inthe way that you hold space for
other people.
Sometimes you feel like anemotional dumping ground where
people come and they just leaveall of their stuff and then they
walk away feeling great.
(05:43):
But now you are feeling theweight of their experience.
Now, if this is you, I want youto check out my episode on
Welcome mat versus Doormatenergy.
I will link that in theshuttles, but if this resonates
with you, I highly encourage youto go and check out that episode
about how you can shift thatenergy.
Okay?
Maybe you're starting to noticesome resentment and exhaustion
that is showing up in yourrelationships where you're
(06:05):
experiencing maybe thisone-sided care, where you're
showing up really well for them,but they either don't know how,
or they're unable to, or theyjust aren't showing up for you.
Another sneaky way that thisshows up is by always being the
one to initiate a repair.
You're always the one to checkin first, to apologize, to
initiate the uncomfortableconversations.
It's all on your shoulders, andthat's a really heavyweight to
(06:27):
bear.
I was recently listening to thebook, sister Wife by Christine
Woolley.
So yes, she's one of the wivesfrom the TV show.
Sister Wives, I'm a huge fan.
I find it highly entertaining.
Um, but at one point in the bookthen she shared that her husband
at the time, Kody had told herthat, Hey, everything is good on
my end, and if it's not for you,it's your job to bring it to me.
(06:49):
And she really sat and reflectedon that for a while.
And on the surface it madesense.
I mean, of course he couldn'tfix what he didn't know and
also.
She was feeling like it left thefull weight and responsibility
of identifying what was andwasn't working in
relationship...
it was 100% on her shoulders.
And that made her feel moredistant in her relationship, and
(07:10):
it also made her feel like shewas always the problem because
she was always the one toinitiate those hard
conversations.
She felt like she was the onlyone trying to make things
better.
It is a unique kind of weight toalways be the one to notice, to
always be the one to speak up,to always be the one to create
change, and ideally thatemotional labor, it's shared in
(07:33):
relationship.
All right.
Number four, you feel personallyresponsible for other people's
emotions.
Now, whether you're an empath ora highly sensitive person, it's
often easy to confuse empathywith personal responsibility
because you can see thatsomebody is upset.
You feel like it is yourpersonal responsibility to fix
(07:54):
it.
In fact, if you do nothing, youfeel so guilty about it.
It's almost like you're thelifeguard and you're watching
somebody approach the deep endwhere you know they can't reach
and you experience so muchanxiety about it.
You jump in and you go to rescuethem.
And yes, part of you knows thatthey'll never learn how to swim
if they aren't given the chance,but the level of guilt and
(08:15):
discomfort that you experiencewhile watching them struggle,
it's too much for you to bear.
You don't like feeling that way,and so you feeling uncomfortable
compels you to jump in the waterwith them even if they're
pulling you down.
Now some sneaky ways that thisshows up is through people
pleasing, which we talk about alot here on the podcast,
placating other people.
(08:36):
And also it can show up as toxicpositivity.
So this might sound like, oh,look on the bright side! You
have so much to be grateful for,well at least it's not worse.
It kind of reminds me of a BreneBrown clip that's very popular
on YouTube.
Go check it out.
I'll maybe link that in the shownotes as well.
But she kind of talks aboutempathy versus sympathy and what
that can look like.
(08:56):
And as she talks about empathy,she talks about it as actually
sitting with someone in theirexperience.
It's being okay with theiremotional experience and
acknowledging that, yeah, I canunderstand how hard that must be
for you.
It's actually sitting with them.
Whereas sympathy is essentiallytrying to talk them out of their
(09:17):
emotional experience.
So some examples that she gavewas somebody saying, I had a
miscarriage, and then theresponse is, at least you know
you can get pregnant.
My marriage is falling apart.
At least you have a marriage.
John's getting kicked out ofschool.
At least Sarah is an Astudent...
and because we are souncomfortable with the other
(09:39):
person's discomfort, then we tryto do whatever it is we can to
get them out of it.
Or at the very least, convinceourselves that somehow we've
made it better.
So maybe we're trying to helpthem feel better by, here, have
a snack.
We're throwing food at it,right?
Let's get outta the house.
Go take a nap.
Hey, you should call so-and-so.
They're having a hard time,right?
We might even be delegating itout to other people because it
makes us feel so uncomfortablefor somebody else to have a
(10:02):
negative emotion.
And maybe there is a time and aplace for those that kind of an
approach of, you know, helpingpeople to make sure that they're
resting, make sure that they'reeating.
And also, I want you to start torecognize when it's coming from
a place of love and when it'scoming from an attempt to avoid
having your own negativeemotion.
(10:23):
All right.
Number five.
You constantly feel like you'rewalking on eggshells, and this
might be all the time, or itmight be in certain settings or
with certain people, but this iswhat it feels like when
hypervigilance starts to take atoll on your nervous system.
And it comes in the belief that,well, if I can just do
everything right, whatever thatmeans, then nobody will get
upset.
(10:43):
Then I can finally rest, then Ican finally be happy.
But this is kind of an extensionof the box checking that we
talked about earlier, and it'smostly when you're trying to
check off someone else's list ofshoulds, right?
That, oh, well, I'm telling youthat you should be more patient.
You should be more forgiving.
You should be more attentive.
You should be more accommodatingof me.
(11:03):
You should be less needy,because that's inconvenient for
me, right?
So it's kind of acknowledgingthat, okay, I have this list of
shoulds.
They may or may not be comingfrom you.
They might be coming fromsomebody else.
But notice that.
Now some ways that thismanifests is maybe somebody
walks into the room.
And you're worried that they'regoing to judge you for sitting
on the couch, so you immediatelyjump up and start tidying so
(11:24):
that you can look moreproductive.
It might look like talking alot.
You're thinking, I'm just gonnasay so many words, and maybe
some of them will be able to fixit.
So I'm just gonna keep sayingall the words and see if
something lands, or it mightlook like not talking at all
because you're so afraid thatyou might say the wrong thing.
It might look like feelinginsecure and uncertain about
what it is that you're supposedto do.
(11:45):
You're trying to figure out,well, I don't know what I'm
supposed to do in thisrelationship.
I don't know how I'm supposed tomaintain relationship.
I don't know what I'm supposedto do to keep myself safe and to
not rock the boat in thisrelationship.
Now, often this shows up becauseat some point in life, possibly
in childhood or maybe in afriendship or a romantic
relationship, but somebody hasmade you feel like your personal
(12:07):
safety would be at risk if youdidn't show up exactly as you
were supposed to.
And maybe they handed you a listand said, these are the exact
things I need you to do.
Or maybe they wanted you tointuit their list and you would
only know if you got it wrong,when you got it wrong, right?
Because they're gonna really getafter you if you're not doing
the right thing.
(12:27):
But for whatever reason, youlearned over time that if you
didn't check all of the boxes,something bad would happen.
So you walk on eggshells hopingthat if I can just do whatever
it is that they want me to do,then I'll be safe.
Then I'll experience connection.
And yet it always feels likethat safety and connection is
just out of reach.
So notice when your bodytightens up around somebody
(12:49):
else's discomfort.
That is your cue to just breatheand ground and come back into
yourself.
All right.
Number six.
You often feel like you're toomuch or not enough.
Now, have you ever gone to aparty and then after the party
you're thinking in your head,you're just really in your head
about it?
You're like, oh, no, I probablytalked too much.
They probably think I'm arrogantnow.
(13:11):
Or maybe you're thinking, oh no,I didn't talk hardly at all.
They probably think I'm so.
Boring.
You're questioning if you aretoo much or too little all the
time, or maybe you kind of playout this internal too much or
too little in your mind.
You're wondering about if I'mtoo much or too little as a
parent or in my friendships orin my romantic relationships.
(13:32):
But being just right inrelationship, it can feel like
you're trying to walk on a superskinny balance beam.
And honestly, you keep fallingoff.
And you're so afraid you'regonna fall off, right?
So that kind of leads to thesefeelings of insecurity and
self-doubt, and often that keepsyou stuck in fear because when
you have the fear of being toomuch or too little, it often
(13:52):
creates inaction because it'sbetter to do nothing at all than
to fall off of the balance beamand get hurt.
All right.
Number seven.
You love serving others, but italso feels like something's
missing.
You are amazing.
Just so you know, you'reincredible.
Like you are so amazing that youprobably actually have multiple
people that have told you, oh mygosh, you are so amazing.
(14:14):
You are my best friend.
You know exactly what it is thatpeople need, and it brings you
so much joy to love and to serveothers.
So maybe you hear things like,oh my gosh, how did you know
exactly what would help mymastitis?
You are a godsend.
Or maybe, ugh.
You always remember that Istruggle around the anniversary
of my mom's passing.
Thank you so much for thinkingof me.
Or, wow, Hey, how did you know Ireally needed a friend and a
(14:36):
phone call right now?
Thank you so much for checkingin.
You do so much for other peopleand for you, honestly, it
doesn't feel hard.
In fact, you actually do knowthat this is your superpower.
You are so good at it, you'reamazing You just think about
what it is that might be helpfulin the moment, and then you
offer it, so you're absolutelyincredible when it comes to
showing up for other people.
(14:58):
And also sometimes you feel likea little something is missing.
You maybe feel a little bitguilty thinking that, okay, well
service should be its ownreward, but something's missing,
so what's wrong with me?
You just can't quite put yourfinger on it.
And when you start to feel alittle bit down or a little bit
tired or a little bit hungry, orjust a little bit off, then you
(15:19):
start to wonder who is it that Icould even turn to?
Where do I go when I have aneed?
You love showing up for otherpeople and you feel so fulfilled
by it, and also there'ssomething missing.
All right, number eight, youcrave deeper, more meaningful
and more balanced connections.
There is a time and a place forsuperficial conversations.
(15:40):
They can feel very safe attimes, and also you are craving
more depth.
You're craving more connection.
You're craving more balance andfulfillment in relationships.
When you ask somebody howthey're doing, you want the real
answer, and you also want tofeel safe enough to give your
real answer too.
(16:01):
You are longing for real humanconnection to see and be seen,
to hear, and to be heard, tolove and to be loved.
You want it so badly that youcan taste it.
But you aren't quite sure how toget it.
Maybe the relationships that youdo have, they feel really out of
(16:21):
balance.
For example, when you do have anintimate conversation, it's
always about the other personand you're more than happy to
listen and reflect back to them.
And also sometimes you wouldlike for the conversation to be
about you.
Maybe your friend group hasremained the same for years,
which is an amazing thing, bythe way.
And also you're starting towonder if you are outgrowing
(16:44):
certain relationships.
And this wanting more from yourrelationships.
It's impacting your currentrelationships because you're not
quite sure how to create moresupportive change in your
current relationships.
You aren't quite sure.
Okay.
Well, I kind of need easyrelationships to evolve, but I
don't know if they're going towant to change.
So then what do I do?
Because I can no longer stay inthis place.
(17:06):
I have this deep desire to, tomake things a bit more deeper,
to more fulfilling, moreintimate.
And if they aren't willing to gothere with me, then what do I
do?
And you aren't quite sure whereto begin when it comes to
finding new and more alignedrelationships.
All right, number nine, you'rejust ready to stop living on an
(17:26):
autopilot.
Every single day it's the sameroutine, and since you know what
it is that you're supposed todo, then you go through the
motions.
But life is starting to feelmore like it's about
productivity than joy.
But how are you supposed tocreate joy if you're supposed to
get your checklist done?
It can feel almostirresponsible, right?
(17:47):
So life is starting to feel moreblah.
There's no real highs.
There's no real lows, but youalso really just don't wanna
live like this anymore.
You're ready to increase yourbaseline and find more joy and
fulfillment in life.
Maybe you daydream aboutdifferent things that you want
to do.
You want to learn thatinstrument, you wanna take that
trip, you wanna make thatmemory.
(18:07):
But all that seems so frivolousand so what's the point?
I need to be adult about this,right?
And so your ho-hum lifecontinues.
And life is just feeling sopredictable and it's not
bringing you joy.
And number 10, you're ready toconnect with you.
You're starting to realize thatyou have been living life
according to other people'sexpectations of you, other
(18:29):
people's shoulds, and you'reready to discover who it is that
you really are.
You want to know what it is thatlights you up.
You want to know what it is thatenergizes you, and you
desperately want to see who youare outside of your roles.
You already know how it is thatyou show up as a partner, as a
friend, as a parent, as acaregiver, but you're ready to
learn who you are outside ofwhat it is that you do for other
(18:52):
people.
One way that this shows up,there's one gal that I coached
for a while who she just waseven wanting to know how is it
that I want to dress?
I've been dressing according towhat the magazines have told me,
or what my coworkers have toldme is the way that I should
dress, but I don't even knowwhat I like.
And I've only given myselfpermission to buy things that
are on sale.
I want to be able to dress in away that makes me feel good.
(19:14):
And we kind of just exploredthat about, okay, yeah.
What does make you feel good?
She'd never really given herselfthe time in this space to
discover that about herself.
Another example that I love, andI know I've shared it here on
the podcast before, but it'sjust such a great visual, but I
love the scene from Runway Bridewhere she's actually sitting
down to see how she likes hereggs throughout all of her
(19:34):
relationships.
Whenever they went out tobreakfast, then she would just
order whatever they were having.
So she honestly didn't know ifshe preferred her eggs.
Poached, boiled, fried.
She had no idea.
But to sit down and actually trythem and go, huh, do I like
scrambled eggs?
Or do I prefer my eggs with aHolland Day sauce?
Right?
She had no idea how it was thatshe liked her eggs, but to
(19:55):
actually dedicate time and spaceto yourself to discover who am
I?
What do I like?
I know what everybody elselikes, but who am I and what is
it that I like?
Can be such valuableinformation.
Okay, so add them up.
How many of these resonated withyou?
If you recognize yourself in anyof these, then coaching might be
(20:15):
your next step towards having amore balanced and fulfilling
life.
And again, if you would likehelp working on one of these
things, wonderful.
You don't need to wait untillife is unbearable to get help
and support.
And if four or more of thesereally resonated with you, then
I highly encourage you to investin yourself and reach out to see
if coaching might be a good fitfor you.
You can book a free clarity callwith me by clicking on the link
(20:37):
in the show notes, or you canemail me at
maryann@maryannwalker.life.
Reach out and let's see ifcoaching might be a good fit for
you.
Also, I wanted to let you knowabout a cool new feature for
audio listeners.
And of course if you're onYouTube you can just comment on
the video.
But there is a new feature on myaudio platform that's pretty
cool.
There is a text me hyperlink inthe show notes where you can
(20:57):
simply click on it, drop me anote, and so these notes will go
directly to my podcast.
I haven't figured out yet if Ican reply to them there, but I
do know I can reply here on thepodcast.
And so if you want to just shootme a number and tell me how many
of these resonated, or tell mewhich one of these most
resonated, or if there'ssomething you'd like me to talk
about more here on the podcast,shoot me a text.
(21:19):
I would love to hear from you.
You, my friend, deserve to takeup space.
You deserve to feel fulfilled.
You deserve to feel heard andseen and understood, and you
deserve to really feelcomfortable in your own skin.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I look forward to working withyou and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
well, hello and welcome back.
My name is MaryAnn Walker and Ihelp recovering people pleasers
and highly sensitive peoplelearn how to experience true
joy.
They do so much further people,and I help them to find joy for
themselves.
You may notice I'm a little bitcongested.
Today.
I am on the tail end of COVID Ilove that I work from home, so
I'm still able to do things andnot get other people sick as I'm
(00:23):
feeling able.
I'm on the mend all as well, butjust letting you know, that's
why I sound a little bitcongested.
It's because I am.
So, I was talking with a friendand listener earlier this week
and she said, Hey, what episode,if you had to pick one episode
for me to refer a friend to, tosee if this was the podcast for
them, which episode would youhave me refer to them to?
(00:43):
And I thought, you know what?
That's a great question.
So I thought for today, I wouldshare the top 10 struggles that
I see most often in mycommunity.
And so many of these strugglesare things that I've addressed
here on the podcast, but Ireally wanted to put as many of
them into one episode to reallyhelp you to see if this is the
place for you.
Okay, so as I list these off, Iinvite you to do a little bit of
(01:03):
a self inventory.
I want you to count how many ofthese feel familiar to you, how
many describe what it is thatyou are currently carrying right
now.
And of course, if just one ofthese things resonates, then
that's enough to reach out forsupport.
You do not have to wait untileverything feels overwhelming in
order to start your personalhealing.
(01:24):
And also, if four or more ofthese really hit close to home,
I want you to take that as aloving nudge, as an invitation
to get support because you dodeserve to have a life that
feels peaceful, balanced, andfull of joy.
So let's dive in.
Okay.
Remember, you're gonna countthese out.
So number one, you are checkingall the boxes, but you're still
(01:46):
not feeling happy.
You've done all the things, youdid everything that you were
supposed to do, and more thanlikely, from the outside looking
in, people may even think orcomment that, wow, your life
just looks picture perfect.
It looks like you have it alltogether.
But at the same time, you aren'texperiencing the joy that you
thought would come after youchecked all of those boxes.
(02:09):
There was this silentexpectation for you that
happiness would magically arriveif and when you finally did all
of the right things.
And while you aren't miserableright now, you also aren't as
happy and fulfilled as youthought you would be.
Maybe even your day-to-day life.
It looks like box checking.
You wake up, you work out, youget the kids ready, you cook,
(02:29):
you clean, you show up for yourfriends, family, coworkers, go
to bed, rinse, and repeat.
It's a routine, yes, but youfind that you're still chasing a
feeling of not just contentmentbut joy, and it feels like joy
is just constantly, barely outof reach for you.
All right?
Number two, you've lost yourselfin caring for everybody else.
(02:50):
Maybe it's a parent or a spouse,a child or a friend, but your
mind is constantly filled withwondering how it is that you
could best meet the needs ofothers.
And yeah, there is joy inserving other people.
And also part of you is waitingfor permission to give voice to
what it is that you want.
You may even feel guilty forwanting something for you, and
(03:12):
honestly, you don't need a lot.
Maybe it's just going out to eatwhere you would like to go, or
having a conversation wheresomebody thinks to ask about how
your trip went or how things aregoing for you.
Because your needs are small.
You feel torn between dismissingthem completely'cause they're
not that big of a deal, right?
And you feel torn between thatand resenting other people for
not fulfilling for you whatshould be a super easy request
(03:36):
to fulfill.
You notice that while you'rehighly aware of other people's
needs, it's really hard for youto talk about your own needs.
In fact, maybe even as you'relistening right now, you aren't
even able to identify what it isthat you need.
You just know that you needsomething different, but you're
not quite sure what it is.
Or maybe even fear, giving voiceto your needs.
You know what they are, but youfear giving voice to them.
(03:56):
You're not quite sure if it'sselfish or not to actually have
needs.
You are scared that if I givevoice to them, will they
actually be met?
So maybe it's just better toshove them down.
You do find joy in your level ofloving and serving others.
For you, loving is a gift.
It's easy for you and also inyour mind, asking others to show
up for you.
It's the hardest thing ever.
(04:19):
As part of this overresponsibility for others,
boundaries are really hard foryou.
As hard as it is for you to makea request to get your needs met,
it is even harder to say no, tostate a boundary, to let them
know, I'm sorry, I don't havethe time for that right now.
You have this belief that ifthere is any possible way that
you could do something forsomeone else, then you should do
(04:39):
that something for someone else.
And again, you believe there isjoy to be found in serving
others, and there is.
And also right now you'renoticing that you're maybe
feeling taken for granted ortaken advantage of, and that
leaves you feeling out ofbalance and resentful.
All right.
Number three, you are doing thelion's share of the emotional
(05:01):
labor in your relationships.
This might look like feelingresponsible to fix it when
somebody's having a hard time.
Maybe you're the one thateverybody comes to when they
want to feel better, andhonestly, you love that part
about yourself.
It feels so good to be able tohelp other people, and also when
you're feeling good and strongand capable, this part is really
easy for you because it justfeels so good to do that for
(05:22):
other people.
But sometimes it just feels likea lot.
And sometimes you want somebodythat you can turn to, somebody
that can hold space for you inthe way that you hold space for
other people.
Sometimes you feel like anemotional dumping ground where
people come and they just leaveall of their stuff and then they
walk away feeling great.
(05:43):
But now you are feeling theweight of their experience.
Now, if this is you, I want youto check out my episode on
Welcome mat versus Doormatenergy.
I will link that in theshuttles, but if this resonates
with you, I highly encourage youto go and check out that episode
about how you can shift thatenergy.
Okay?
Maybe you're starting to noticesome resentment and exhaustion
that is showing up in yourrelationships where you're
(06:05):
experiencing maybe thisone-sided care, where you're
showing up really well for them,but they either don't know how,
or they're unable to, or theyjust aren't showing up for you.
Another sneaky way that thisshows up is by always being the
one to initiate a repair.
You're always the one to checkin first, to apologize, to
initiate the uncomfortableconversations.
It's all on your shoulders, andthat's a really heavyweight to
(06:27):
bear.
I was recently listening to thebook, sister Wife by Christine
Woolley.
So yes, she's one of the wivesfrom the TV show.
Sister Wives, I'm a huge fan.
I find it highly entertaining.
Um, but at one point in the bookthen she shared that her husband
at the time, Kody had told herthat, Hey, everything is good on
my end, and if it's not for you,it's your job to bring it to me.
(06:49):
And she really sat and reflectedon that for a while.
And on the surface it madesense.
I mean, of course he couldn'tfix what he didn't know and
also.
She was feeling like it left thefull weight and responsibility
of identifying what was andwasn't working in
relationship...
it was 100% on her shoulders.
And that made her feel moredistant in her relationship, and
(07:10):
it also made her feel like shewas always the problem because
she was always the one toinitiate those hard
conversations.
She felt like she was the onlyone trying to make things
better.
It is a unique kind of weight toalways be the one to notice, to
always be the one to speak up,to always be the one to create
change, and ideally thatemotional labor, it's shared in
(07:33):
relationship.
All right.
Number four, you feel personallyresponsible for other people's
emotions.
Now, whether you're an empath ora highly sensitive person, it's
often easy to confuse empathywith personal responsibility
because you can see thatsomebody is upset.
You feel like it is yourpersonal responsibility to fix
(07:54):
it.
In fact, if you do nothing, youfeel so guilty about it.
It's almost like you're thelifeguard and you're watching
somebody approach the deep endwhere you know they can't reach
and you experience so muchanxiety about it.
You jump in and you go to rescuethem.
And yes, part of you knows thatthey'll never learn how to swim
if they aren't given the chance,but the level of guilt and
(08:15):
discomfort that you experiencewhile watching them struggle,
it's too much for you to bear.
You don't like feeling that way,and so you feeling uncomfortable
compels you to jump in the waterwith them even if they're
pulling you down.
Now some sneaky ways that thisshows up is through people
pleasing, which we talk about alot here on the podcast,
placating other people.
(08:36):
And also it can show up as toxicpositivity.
So this might sound like, oh,look on the bright side! You
have so much to be grateful for,well at least it's not worse.
It kind of reminds me of a BreneBrown clip that's very popular
on YouTube.
Go check it out.
I'll maybe link that in the shownotes as well.
But she kind of talks aboutempathy versus sympathy and what
that can look like.
(08:56):
And as she talks about empathy,she talks about it as actually
sitting with someone in theirexperience.
It's being okay with theiremotional experience and
acknowledging that, yeah, I canunderstand how hard that must be
for you.
It's actually sitting with them.
Whereas sympathy is essentiallytrying to talk them out of their
(09:17):
emotional experience.
So some examples that she gavewas somebody saying, I had a
miscarriage, and then theresponse is, at least you know
you can get pregnant.
My marriage is falling apart.
At least you have a marriage.
John's getting kicked out ofschool.
At least Sarah is an Astudent...
and because we are souncomfortable with the other
(09:39):
person's discomfort, then we tryto do whatever it is we can to
get them out of it.
Or at the very least, convinceourselves that somehow we've
made it better.
So maybe we're trying to helpthem feel better by, here, have
a snack.
We're throwing food at it,right?
Let's get outta the house.
Go take a nap.
Hey, you should call so-and-so.
They're having a hard time,right?
We might even be delegating itout to other people because it
makes us feel so uncomfortablefor somebody else to have a
(10:02):
negative emotion.
And maybe there is a time and aplace for those that kind of an
approach of, you know, helpingpeople to make sure that they're
resting, make sure that they'reeating.
And also, I want you to start torecognize when it's coming from
a place of love and when it'scoming from an attempt to avoid
having your own negativeemotion.
(10:23):
All right.
Number five.
You constantly feel like you'rewalking on eggshells, and this
might be all the time, or itmight be in certain settings or
with certain people, but this iswhat it feels like when
hypervigilance starts to take atoll on your nervous system.
And it comes in the belief that,well, if I can just do
everything right, whatever thatmeans, then nobody will get
upset.
(10:43):
Then I can finally rest, then Ican finally be happy.
But this is kind of an extensionof the box checking that we
talked about earlier, and it'smostly when you're trying to
check off someone else's list ofshoulds, right?
That, oh, well, I'm telling youthat you should be more patient.
You should be more forgiving.
You should be more attentive.
You should be more accommodatingof me.
(11:03):
You should be less needy,because that's inconvenient for
me, right?
So it's kind of acknowledgingthat, okay, I have this list of
shoulds.
They may or may not be comingfrom you.
They might be coming fromsomebody else.
But notice that.
Now some ways that thismanifests is maybe somebody
walks into the room.
And you're worried that they'regoing to judge you for sitting
on the couch, so you immediatelyjump up and start tidying so
(11:24):
that you can look moreproductive.
It might look like talking alot.
You're thinking, I'm just gonnasay so many words, and maybe
some of them will be able to fixit.
So I'm just gonna keep sayingall the words and see if
something lands, or it mightlook like not talking at all
because you're so afraid thatyou might say the wrong thing.
It might look like feelinginsecure and uncertain about
what it is that you're supposedto do.
(11:45):
You're trying to figure out,well, I don't know what I'm
supposed to do in thisrelationship.
I don't know how I'm supposed tomaintain relationship.
I don't know what I'm supposedto do to keep myself safe and to
not rock the boat in thisrelationship.
Now, often this shows up becauseat some point in life, possibly
in childhood or maybe in afriendship or a romantic
relationship, but somebody hasmade you feel like your personal
(12:07):
safety would be at risk if youdidn't show up exactly as you
were supposed to.
And maybe they handed you a listand said, these are the exact
things I need you to do.
Or maybe they wanted you tointuit their list and you would
only know if you got it wrong,when you got it wrong, right?
Because they're gonna really getafter you if you're not doing
the right thing.
(12:27):
But for whatever reason, youlearned over time that if you
didn't check all of the boxes,something bad would happen.
So you walk on eggshells hopingthat if I can just do whatever
it is that they want me to do,then I'll be safe.
Then I'll experience connection.
And yet it always feels likethat safety and connection is
just out of reach.
So notice when your bodytightens up around somebody
(12:49):
else's discomfort.
That is your cue to just breatheand ground and come back into
yourself.
All right.
Number six.
You often feel like you're toomuch or not enough.
Now, have you ever gone to aparty and then after the party
you're thinking in your head,you're just really in your head
about it?
You're like, oh, no, I probablytalked too much.
They probably think I'm arrogantnow.
(13:11):
Or maybe you're thinking, oh no,I didn't talk hardly at all.
They probably think I'm so.
Boring.
You're questioning if you aretoo much or too little all the
time, or maybe you kind of playout this internal too much or
too little in your mind.
You're wondering about if I'mtoo much or too little as a
parent or in my friendships orin my romantic relationships.
(13:32):
But being just right inrelationship, it can feel like
you're trying to walk on a superskinny balance beam.
And honestly, you keep fallingoff.
And you're so afraid you'regonna fall off, right?
So that kind of leads to thesefeelings of insecurity and
self-doubt, and often that keepsyou stuck in fear because when
you have the fear of being toomuch or too little, it often
(13:52):
creates inaction because it'sbetter to do nothing at all than
to fall off of the balance beamand get hurt.
All right.
Number seven.
You love serving others, but italso feels like something's
missing.
You are amazing.
Just so you know, you'reincredible.
Like you are so amazing that youprobably actually have multiple
people that have told you, oh mygosh, you are so amazing.
(14:14):
You are my best friend.
You know exactly what it is thatpeople need, and it brings you
so much joy to love and to serveothers.
So maybe you hear things like,oh my gosh, how did you know
exactly what would help mymastitis?
You are a godsend.
Or maybe, ugh.
You always remember that Istruggle around the anniversary
of my mom's passing.
Thank you so much for thinkingof me.
Or, wow, Hey, how did you know Ireally needed a friend and a
(14:36):
phone call right now?
Thank you so much for checkingin.
You do so much for other peopleand for you, honestly, it
doesn't feel hard.
In fact, you actually do knowthat this is your superpower.
You are so good at it, you'reamazing You just think about
what it is that might be helpfulin the moment, and then you
offer it, so you're absolutelyincredible when it comes to
showing up for other people.
(14:58):
And also sometimes you feel likea little something is missing.
You maybe feel a little bitguilty thinking that, okay, well
service should be its ownreward, but something's missing,
so what's wrong with me?
You just can't quite put yourfinger on it.
And when you start to feel alittle bit down or a little bit
tired or a little bit hungry, orjust a little bit off, then you
(15:19):
start to wonder who is it that Icould even turn to?
Where do I go when I have aneed?
You love showing up for otherpeople and you feel so fulfilled
by it, and also there'ssomething missing.
All right, number eight, youcrave deeper, more meaningful
and more balanced connections.
There is a time and a place forsuperficial conversations.
(15:40):
They can feel very safe attimes, and also you are craving
more depth.
You're craving more connection.
You're craving more balance andfulfillment in relationships.
When you ask somebody howthey're doing, you want the real
answer, and you also want tofeel safe enough to give your
real answer too.
(16:01):
You are longing for real humanconnection to see and be seen,
to hear, and to be heard, tolove and to be loved.
You want it so badly that youcan taste it.
But you aren't quite sure how toget it.
Maybe the relationships that youdo have, they feel really out of
(16:21):
balance.
For example, when you do have anintimate conversation, it's
always about the other personand you're more than happy to
listen and reflect back to them.
And also sometimes you wouldlike for the conversation to be
about you.
Maybe your friend group hasremained the same for years,
which is an amazing thing, bythe way.
And also you're starting towonder if you are outgrowing
(16:44):
certain relationships.
And this wanting more from yourrelationships.
It's impacting your currentrelationships because you're not
quite sure how to create moresupportive change in your
current relationships.
You aren't quite sure.
Okay.
Well, I kind of need easyrelationships to evolve, but I
don't know if they're going towant to change.
So then what do I do?
Because I can no longer stay inthis place.
(17:06):
I have this deep desire to, tomake things a bit more deeper,
to more fulfilling, moreintimate.
And if they aren't willing to gothere with me, then what do I
do?
And you aren't quite sure whereto begin when it comes to
finding new and more alignedrelationships.
All right, number nine, you'rejust ready to stop living on an
(17:26):
autopilot.
Every single day it's the sameroutine, and since you know what
it is that you're supposed todo, then you go through the
motions.
But life is starting to feelmore like it's about
productivity than joy.
But how are you supposed tocreate joy if you're supposed to
get your checklist done?
It can feel almostirresponsible, right?
(17:47):
So life is starting to feel moreblah.
There's no real highs.
There's no real lows, but youalso really just don't wanna
live like this anymore.
You're ready to increase yourbaseline and find more joy and
fulfillment in life.
Maybe you daydream aboutdifferent things that you want
to do.
You want to learn thatinstrument, you wanna take that
trip, you wanna make thatmemory.
(18:07):
But all that seems so frivolousand so what's the point?
I need to be adult about this,right?
And so your ho-hum lifecontinues.
And life is just feeling sopredictable and it's not
bringing you joy.
And number 10, you're ready toconnect with you.
You're starting to realize thatyou have been living life
according to other people'sexpectations of you, other
(18:29):
people's shoulds, and you'reready to discover who it is that
you really are.
You want to know what it is thatlights you up.
You want to know what it is thatenergizes you, and you
desperately want to see who youare outside of your roles.
You already know how it is thatyou show up as a partner, as a
friend, as a parent, as acaregiver, but you're ready to
learn who you are outside ofwhat it is that you do for other
(18:52):
people.
One way that this shows up,there's one gal that I coached
for a while who she just waseven wanting to know how is it
that I want to dress?
I've been dressing according towhat the magazines have told me,
or what my coworkers have toldme is the way that I should
dress, but I don't even knowwhat I like.
And I've only given myselfpermission to buy things that
are on sale.
I want to be able to dress in away that makes me feel good.
(19:14):
And we kind of just exploredthat about, okay, yeah.
What does make you feel good?
She'd never really given herselfthe time in this space to
discover that about herself.
Another example that I love, andI know I've shared it here on
the podcast before, but it'sjust such a great visual, but I
love the scene from Runway Bridewhere she's actually sitting
down to see how she likes hereggs throughout all of her
(19:34):
relationships.
Whenever they went out tobreakfast, then she would just
order whatever they were having.
So she honestly didn't know ifshe preferred her eggs.
Poached, boiled, fried.
She had no idea.
But to sit down and actually trythem and go, huh, do I like
scrambled eggs?
Or do I prefer my eggs with aHolland Day sauce?
Right?
She had no idea how it was thatshe liked her eggs, but to
(19:55):
actually dedicate time and spaceto yourself to discover who am
I?
What do I like?
I know what everybody elselikes, but who am I and what is
it that I like?
Can be such valuableinformation.
Okay, so add them up.
How many of these resonated withyou?
If you recognize yourself in anyof these, then coaching might be
(20:15):
your next step towards having amore balanced and fulfilling
life.
And again, if you would likehelp working on one of these
things, wonderful.
You don't need to wait untillife is unbearable to get help
and support.
And if four or more of thesereally resonated with you, then
I highly encourage you to investin yourself and reach out to see
if coaching might be a good fitfor you.
You can book a free clarity callwith me by clicking on the link
(20:37):
in the show notes, or you canemail me at
maryann@maryannwalker.life.
Reach out and let's see ifcoaching might be a good fit for
you.
Also, I wanted to let you knowabout a cool new feature for
audio listeners.
And of course if you're onYouTube you can just comment on
the video.
But there is a new feature on myaudio platform that's pretty
cool.
There is a text me hyperlink inthe show notes where you can
(20:57):
simply click on it, drop me anote, and so these notes will go
directly to my podcast.
I haven't figured out yet if Ican reply to them there, but I
do know I can reply here on thepodcast.
And so if you want to just shootme a number and tell me how many
of these resonated, or tell mewhich one of these most
resonated, or if there'ssomething you'd like me to talk
about more here on the podcast,shoot me a text.
(21:19):
I would love to hear from you.
You, my friend, deserve to takeup space.
You deserve to feel fulfilled.
You deserve to feel heard andseen and understood, and you
deserve to really feelcomfortable in your own skin.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I look forward to working withyou and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist
It’s 1996 in rural North Carolina, and an oddball crew makes history when they pull off America’s third largest cash heist. But it’s all downhill from there. Join host Johnny Knoxville as he unspools a wild and woolly tale about a group of regular ‘ol folks who risked it all for a chance at a better life. CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist answers the question: what would you do with 17.3 million dollars? The answer includes diamond rings, mansions, velvet Elvis paintings, plus a run for the border, murder-for-hire-plots, and FBI busts.