December 18, 2025 • 38 mins
🎄 Holiday Expectations, Emotional Triggers & Radical Acceptance: How Your “Manuals” Are Ruining Your Holidays
What if the thing making the holidays so stressful isn’t your family… but your expectations?
In this special holiday episode, I’m pulling back the curtain on something that quietly runs our emotional lives—manuals. These are the invisible rules we carry about how people should behave, how holidays should look, and how we should show up. And during the holidays? These manuals go into overdrive.
When technology issues cut short my holiday interview with fellow coach Kellyn Legath, I had a choice: spiral into frustration—or practice what I teach. This episode became a real-time lesson in radical acceptance, emotional regulation, and reclaiming your peace when life doesn’t go according to plan.
Together, Kellyn and I explore how holiday manuals create resentment, burnout, and emotional reactivity—and how learning to recognize them can help you feel more grounded, empowered, and emotionally free this season.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
- What a “manual” really is—and how unspoken expectations create resentment
- Why the holidays intensify emotional triggers for highly sensitive people
- How manuals silently put other people in charge of your emotions
- The difference between reacting emotionally and responding intentionally
- How to identify your own holiday manuals (for others and yourself)
- Why communication—not mind reading—is the key to healthier holidays
- How to set realistic, measurable expectations for how you show up
- Practical ways to navigate family dynamics without people-pleasing
- How radical acceptance helps you find peace even when things go “wrong”
- Why letting yourself be human is more powerful than trying to be perfect
Challenge for the Week
Before your next holiday gathering, pause and ask yourself:
- What am I expecting here?
- Have I communicated that expectation—or am I assuming others should know?
- What are three realistic ways I can measure that I showed up well—without needing perfection?
Notice every time the word should pops into your thoughts. That’s your manual asking for attention.
Work With Me
If this episode made you realize how much emotional energy you spend managing other people’s feelings—or how often your happiness depends on things going “just right”—you don’t have to navigate that alone.
I support highly sensitive people and recovering people-pleasers in learning how to:
- Regulate their emotions
- Set boundaries without guilt
- Stop feeling responsible for everyone else’s experience
Apply to work with me here: https://maryannwalker.life/contact-me
Don’t Forget to Subscribe
If you found this episode helpful, make sure you’re subscribed so you don’t miss future conversations on emotional regulation, boundaries, and creating more peace in your relationships—especially during emotionally charged seasons like the holidays.
Links Mentioned in This Episode
MaryAnn Walker: life coach for highly sensitive people & recovering people-pleasers
Contact MaryAnn: https://maryannwalker.life/contact-me
Contact Kellyn: https://www.instagram.com/daydreamercoaching/Â
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:18):
Well, hello and welcome back tomy holiday episode.
I am wearing my super cuteunicorn Christmas sweater,
right?
Because why not?
I'm feeling the holiday spirit.
It's a great day.
And today we're going to betalking about manuals,
specifically manuals around theholidays.
Now, manuals are basically ourinvisible list of instructions
for how we think things shouldbe and one manual that I have is
(00:41):
that technology should always bereliable.
That you should be able to dowhat it is that you need to do
with technology, and thateverything should just flow more
smoothly because of it.
Right?
But that is not always the case.
So I kind of can.
Appreciate, even though I'm alittle irritated that for
today's episode, I wasinterviewing my friend and
fellow coach Kellyn Legath, andwe had some technology issues.
(01:04):
We actually recorded twice.
The first time the sound wasn'tworking.
We were just on top of eachother.
It wasn't working well.
So we re-recorded and I don'tknow what happened, but it only
recorded 20 minutes of our 50,no, it was a full hour, a full
hour conversation.
I got only 20 minutes of Kelynspecifically for whatever
reason, it recorded me the wholetime.
But listening to me talk tomyself without knowing what the
(01:26):
other person is saying, well,that's not super fun.
So I could sit and be miserableand say, oh no, the podcast is
gonna be completely ruined.
I'm not gonna have this funexchange for my holiday episode
like I had hoped.
I could have that in my manualthat, well, that didn't work out
the way it was supposed to, sotherefore it's all ruined.
But that would essentially beforfeiting my own emotional
(01:48):
state to my circumstances.
And that is not what we do hereon the podcast.
So for today, I'm introducingthe podcast here.
I'm telling you why it's gonnacut out briefly in my
conversation with Kelyn.
And then I will finish out theepisode as a solo episode
because guess what?
Life happens.
And while Kelyn and I didentertain the idea.
Of recording for a third time.
It's the holidays.
(02:09):
You guys.
Life is busy.
In fact, I'm recording this onMonday.
I have surgery Tuesday and thenthis drops on Thursday.
So we are on a bit of a timecrunch, and that is not the way
it was supposed to be, but as welearn to recognize our manuals
of how we think things aresupposed to be, that's when
we're able to step into radicalacceptance.
And when you're able toradically accept the way things
(02:31):
are, rather than resisting itthinking, but no, it's supposed
to be like that, that's when wefind true joy.
That's when we can actually actrather than react emotionally.
And it is so much moreempowering than making yourself
the victim of circumstance.
So without further ado, here isthe 20 minute clip I have of me
and Kellyn
MaryAnn (02:49):
Well, hello and welcome back.
I am so excited for today.
I have my friend and fellowcoach Kellyn Legath with us
today.
Hello Kellyn.
Hi.
Kellyn (02:57):
I'm so happy to be here.
Be back.
MaryAnn (03:00):
So Kellyn and I help people to stay emotionally
regulated while they'renavigating the challenges of
life.
And today we really wanted todive into specifically the
holidays.
It is really easy to assume thatthe holidays should look like a
Christmas card.
But that is not always the case.
Life happens, seasons change,and sometimes the holidays that
we yearn for, then they justseem just out of reach.
(03:21):
And more often than not, it'sthe fact that we're focusing so
much of our mental energy ontohow we think things should be,
that we really struggle toaccept and adapt to how things
actually are.
It's kind of our thoughts thatare keeping us stuck.
So today then Kellyn and I wouldlove to kind of explore the idea
of how to manage your mind inorder to increase the chances of
you having a fantastic holiday,because that's always the goal,
(03:44):
right?
So, Kellyn, do you wanna launchinto, holiday manuals?
We're gonna kind of use this asthe backbone for today's
episode.
So tell us a bit about whatholiday manuals are and how they
show up.
Kellyn (03:54):
Yeah.
You know, I first just wanna saya manual is something that will
change your life if youunderstand how to use and
implement it.
I know I changed my life.
I know it changed your life.
but overall, I think manuals arethis like gorgeous leather bound
book that have these laminatedpages.
(04:15):
but basically it acts as therule book for how others should
behave so we can feel good.
and the kicker about a manualand a holiday manual in
particular is that it's oftenjust in our minds, we don't
share it with others.
so it's, it's basically ourexpectation rule book, right,
for how other people should act,how the holidays should be.
(04:38):
and I like that word should, isso important for people to tune
into in their own lives, asthey're going, well, it should
be this way or it should be thatway.
There's judgment under it.
There is.
so much frustration and pushingaway the acceptance of what is.
So.
Mm-hmm.
Um, I'll, I'll stop therebecause there's so much I can
(04:59):
say around it, but tell me, yourthoughts about that.
MaryAnn (05:03):
Yeah, I think that was a good explanation for it.
we all have these invisible listof instructions for how the
world is supposed to work,right?
And like you said, I think ifyou notice those shoulds coming
up, especially around theholidays.
Oh, well, they should be doingthat.
They should be doing that, or Ishould be doing this.
We have manuals for ourselves aswell, and sometimes it's like a
skinny little folder, and othertimes it has multiple volumes
(05:25):
and we're dragging around thiswhole wheelbarrow full of all of
these manuals for how we thinkthe world should be, but it
really is kind of limiting whenwe have this list of
instructions for, no, this ishow it's supposed to be.
It can be kind of limiting,especially because everybody has
different manuals.
Have you
Kellyn (05:43):
noticed that?
Oh, totally.
Totally.
And I think we break it.
As I'm hearing you talk, I'mlike, oh, let's break this down
even further.
Right?
There's like the manual for howthe holiday should be.
Like it should be, it shouldsnow on the holiday.
It should, everyone should betogether.
It should be full of fun andjoy, which means nobody can feel
any kind of negative emotion.
(06:04):
Right.
And then we have a separatemanual for how the people that
we're surrounded with during theholiday, how they should be
acting.
and that looks like, um, I mean,if, if anyone listening you,
you're like, do I have a peoplefor people?
No, I don't think so.
You can just ask yourself, thinkof someone who you're gonna
interact with over the holiday,and think about what you want
them to do or not do.
(06:26):
think about, you know, like youdon't want your dad to bring up
politics or like, in my case, Iwant people to talk about
politics.
Yeah.
Um, it's like you don't wantyour mom to ask about your ex,
you don't want your sister tobring her a dog.
You know, it's really this,again, a rule book for trying to
control the uncontrollable.
And if I mm-hmm.
If I shift us back into.
(06:48):
talking about our holidayspecific manual, it should snow
on Christmas.
Mm-hmm.
Like if you have a really strongmanual of like, it should snow
on Christmas or doesn't feellike Christmas and then you
can't control the weather, youknow, it's silly.
And, and like over said, it is.
The truth is like you're gonnabe miserable and then you're
gonna be blaming the weather forhow you feel.
MaryAnn (07:10):
Yep.
So true.
And it's so funny that youbrought up snow.
Because we lived for a year inTexas and we did not get snow
for Christmas.
And being a Utah girly, I waslike, whoa.
How do people celebrateChristmas if there's no snow?
But it's funny because withthose manuals, we don't often
realize that we have them untilhindsight, right?
So I didn't know that I had thismanual that you're supposed to
(07:31):
have snow for Christmas until Iwas in Texas and didn't have it.
And another one that came up forme was then when we moved to
Kansas, there weren't anymountains and I thought.
How are you supposed to camp?
Where are you supposed to set upyour tent if there's not a
mountain?
And it's just so funny, theselittle things where it's like,
well, that's not how it'ssupposed to be, but then we can
apply it to the weather or thelandscape and also to people.
(07:54):
So I'm really curious, I wasthinking be fun.
If we could each, share,personal experience that we had
specifically with holidaymanuals.
Do you wanna share yourexperience first?
Yes.
Kellyn (08:03):
Um, so I had such a huge emotional blowout a few years
ago.
I can't remember where I wasthinking about it before we got
onto this, this podcast.
And I'm like thinking, when wasthis?
it had to be in like my midtwenties.
I know I was living in New Yorkat the time and it was one
Christmas and my mom got me likeglass Tupperware containers for
(08:26):
the holiday that like as one ofmy gifts.
Mm-hmm.
I'm not joking when I tell you Icried like the entire day.
Mm-hmm.
I was so upset.
I just had this manual of like,she should know what I want.
she should get me something fun,not something practical.
And then I went into, she shouldunderstand why I'm upset.
(08:48):
So I had a manual on top of amanual.
Here's what you did wrong, likethe action that you took that
was wrong.
And now you don't know why I amupset and why this was the wrong
gift.
And I was, I was literallydevastated the entire day.
And I, I.
So much of the work I do, Ibring in the inner child, and I
(09:09):
think at that time I didn'treally have an understanding of
it.
and we, might get into this aswe talk further, it wouldn't
surprise me that when you're inyour childhood home or when
you're back with your parents,you almost automatically go into
that like child role and youremotions from childhood show up.
Like I was very much acting asmuch younger version of myself
(09:31):
in how I was expressing, how Iwas like so stubborn and shut
down and kind of stomping aroundthe house like a teenager when I
was, in my twenties.
But this story for peoplelistening like this was not
about Tupperware containers.
There was something so muchlarger at play here.
There was such an underlyingbelief.
It was a buildup of my ownfrustrations.
(09:53):
that I hadn't communicated foryears mm-hmm.
Um, on what I needed from my momor like things that I wanted.
and I had my whole life I reallyhad such a hard time expressing
my needs, expressing myfeelings, setting a boundary.
So really this is an a, a deeperneed to be seen, to be heard, to
be understood, to feel attunedto, you know?
Mm-hmm.
(10:13):
Um, so I think until Iunderstood manuals and
regulation, tools and mindsetwork.
I would've continued this yearover year and just gone further
and further away from my motherwho thank God now I have such a
wonderful relationship.
MaryAnn (10:29):
Yeah.
I really appreciate that examplebecause it shows a few things.
First of all, it illustratesthat we all have different
manuals, right?
Because your mom probablythought, you know what?
My adult daughter would reallylove a practical gift.
She probably has, you know.
We have these stories in herhead that that's probably
exactly what I should get herand she's just gonna love it so
much.
That's your mom's manual andthen that yours was a different
(10:51):
manual, but it's interesting inthat particular story, and I'm
curious if you can kind of sharea bit around this, but it sounds
like you had some story and someweight around it that if my mom
got me Tupperware, that meanswhat?
Kellyn (11:05):
Just like she didn't know me at all.
Yeah.
She just like wasn't, I think Iwas feeling like, oh, she
doesn't get it.
Why would she get me this?
I wonder if I was hoping forsomething in particular.
And to be honest, I, I don'tnecessarily think that I was, I
think there was just this sortof underlying need for, just
wanting something really specialor really unique so I could open
(11:28):
it up and be like, oh.
She gets me, she really sees me.
She knows that I'm like reallyinto clothing right now and she
got me like the perfect top.
Like that's what I wanted,right?
Mm-hmm.
But how could she have everknown unless I communicated?
And I think that's really theroot of manuals is like there's
so much unsaid that builds upresentment and frustration and
(11:52):
the story builds and builds andbuilds.
It really is like poison for ourrelationships.
Um, because what happens here isthere's no communication,
there's no telling people and somuch, I'm sure people listening,
will resonate with this aroundlike, well, they should just
know
MaryAnn (12:09):
Exactly Right.
We assume that everybody has thesame manual.
Yeah.
My mom should know to not giftme Tupperware for Christmas.
She should know it's in themanual.
Didn't you?
Look?
Yeah.
And, It's because we have thatbelief that it keeps us stuck.
Isn't it just interesting toreflect on that, that, oh, I
made Tupperware mean my momdidn't know me that well, that
(12:31):
she didn't really care as much,that she wasn't as intuitive as
to what I might need.
You made it mean a lot of thingsabout the relationship and it's
funny because right, like whenyou zoom out a little bit, it's
like, okay, it's Tupperware.
But the stories we put aroundit.
Very interesting.
Right, totally.
Kellyn (12:48):
Like even as I'm saying it or retelling it now and
hearing you, I'm like, oh, I gotthat upset over Tupperware.
I could have just been like, Idon't need this.
MaryAnn (12:57):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn (12:57):
Or thanks, but I do mind if I return this and get
something that I I'll use moreoften.
Which by the way.
Just a name.
I use this Tupperware still tothis day, it's been like 15
years.
I actually just bought lids forit like a week ago.
Like I use this Tupperware allthe time.
my mom, had an idea of her headof like, this will be helpful.
(13:20):
Like, I wanna get her helpfulgift.
And I made it wrong.
I made her choice wrong.
And I, like you said, I gave itso much meaning, and it really
put a damper on our relationshipbecause I started having all of
these like deeper beliefs oflike, my mom doesn't understand
me.
She's not too mean to me.
She, why would you get me this?
(13:41):
Like, I, you know, probably evenas I'm saying it, it just like,
sounds like a teenager a littlebit like kicking and screaming,
like, you don't get it,
MaryAnn (13:50):
but that's what manuals do, right?
Like, it kind of does kind ofcome through that toddler mind a
little bit.
But it's also interesting likenumber one, that you're still
using that Tupperware to thisday.
And also I have hadconversations with my kids where
I'm like, okay, um, girls, I'mnot gonna be buying you clothes
because i'm not gonna get youanything that you would like.
(14:10):
I don't know enough.
Right.
I know that the trends arechanging and different fits and
I'm like, so just know you guyscan buy clothes for each other.
I can give you cash, but Yeah.
But isn't it interesting thatthat's my manual is don't do it?
And then maybe my kid does havea manual that, but maybe.
So it's just interesting to seehow different those manuals can
be.
and we're gonna get a little bitmore into like how to resolve
(14:33):
those moving on, but I thoughtI'd share my holiday manual
story.
This one was just kind of sillyas well.
It's always kind of surprisinghow they show up.
'cause you only see them inhindsight, right?
Where it's like, oh, I did havean expectation there.
And I wanna share somethingquick before I jump into this.
There was something that afriend of mine told me once, and
it was that expectations orunspoken expectations are
(14:55):
premeditated resentments.
Kellyn (14:57):
Ooh, it's so good.
So like.
Tattoo that on your forehead.
Good.
Like everyone needs to rememberthat because it's the most It's
so true.
MaryAnn (15:06):
Yeah.
Because it totally leads intothese manuals because they're
invisible.
They go unspoken, and that'smostly what it creates is just a
lot of resentment.
So being curious about it,leading into that,
communicating.
But anyway, so here's my sillymanual story is, so for years we
lived far away from family.
A thousand miles away.
It wasn't feasible, especiallyto travel in the winter months.
(15:28):
To come to be with family.
So I did have to work to let goof the manual that okay, I'm not
gonna be with my family for theholidays.
And that was a bit of achallenge.
But then it was interestingthat, you know, we lived in a
military town.
We'd make new friends every yearand one year then we got
together with another family forThanksgiving.
And in my manual thenThanksgiving dinner is at like
(15:52):
noon, so then you eat lunch andyou, that's the only meal you
cook, and then you just eatleftovers for the rest of the
day and in their manual.
Then Thanksgiving dinner was atdinner time.
It was at like five or six.
I thought, why are we doing itthat way?
It was so interesting'cause Inever told them that, well, no,
like can we do it a littleearlier?
That might work better for ourfamily.
So not only did they haveThanksgiving later in the day,
(16:15):
but they served fish.
I was like, what is evenhappening?
Like that's not how this issupposed to work.
But it was so interesting thatthese are things where it was
just, I could have gone into itwith, let's see how other people
navigate the holidays.
But it was interesting to seehow I was like, oh, this isn't
right.
This feels so uncomfortable.
But again, I didn't know untilhindsight that I had that
(16:37):
expectation.
I just assumed that everybodywould celebrate the same way.
Kellyn (16:42):
And the sentence that you said, this isn't how it's
supposed to work, is such Idon't think most people, like
you said, manuals are kind of inhindsight we don't even see it.
Yeah, it's really hard to see.
It's like, no, it's, it's notsupposed to be this way.
And I think in that, you make itwrong.
Just like I made my mom wrong.
She made the wrong choice.
She did the wrong thing, wemake, they're doing it wrong.
(17:05):
They're doing the holiday, theThanksgiving dinner at the wrong
time, and they're eating thewrong foods.
Like we make other people wrongbased on what we think is right.
That is never communicated mostof the time, not communicated.
MaryAnn (17:19):
And that really slides into our next talking point,
which is how does having thesemanuals, especially over the
holidays, how does that keep usstuck and miserable when we want
to be joyous, right?
We wanna be happy for theholidays, so how do these
manuals keep us stuck andmiserable?
Kellyn (17:35):
Yeah.
I think there's two ways itkeeps us miserable because it
keeps us at the mercy of someoneelse being responsible for our
emotions.
MaryAnn (17:44):
Ooh, that's so good.
Say it again.
Kellyn (17:46):
manuals keep us miserable because they keep us
at the mercy of someone elsebeing responsible for our own
emotions.
MaryAnn (17:53):
So good.
I mean, because you don't thinkabout it until it's really
pointed out.
Like the way that you worded itis so good.
Because that really is kind ofthe definition of victim energy,
right?
Totally.
So here we're wanting to feeljolly and bright, right?
That's what we want for theholidays.
But we're delegating ourhappiness and peace to, I'm only
gonna be happy if all of theselittle check boxes in my manual
(18:18):
get checked off, then I'll behappy.
Kellyn (18:20):
Totally.
MaryAnn (18:20):
Totally.
And really what, so no wonder wegot miserable.
Kellyn (18:23):
Absolutely.
I mean, really what it comesdown to is control.
And I think when people hear,I'm certainly, when I heard that
for the first time, I was like,I'm not controlling.
Mm-hmm.
I like it.
Didn't You don't feel, I thinkthat's the thing with Manuels.
It doesn't feel, they feelreally fair.
It feels like a really fairthing to ask.
(18:44):
They're very logical.
It's a very reasonable, like tous, like it feels very logical
and reasonable.
Um, hey, I don't want thatperson to say that thing.
Like in your mind you're like,yeah, I don't, that's terrible.
but what happens is we're liketethered to somebody else, and.
It's like, no wonder everyone'smiserable during the holidays.
We're stressed and anxious andare holding our breath hoping
(19:07):
they do or don't do what wewant, or don't say what we want
or don't feel how we want themto feel.
and then we are constantlyreacting rather than responding.
And, and I just have to say,I'll never forget when I heard
somebody say, I wish I couldfind the exact quote, but.
She said, stop being surprisedby people that have always acted
(19:28):
a certain way and continue toact the way they always have.
MaryAnn (19:33):
Yeah, so good.
And we're totally gonna get intothat.
I have a few specific examplesthat we're gonna go over, but Oh
my goodness.
Yeah, because people are gonnashow up the way they're gonna
show up.
And so many manuals, and onceyou start to see it, you can't
unsee it, but there are so manymanuals that they always show up
that way and they shouldn't showup that way.
They should know better.
(19:53):
And it's like, are yousurprised?
Are you surprised they're gonnashow up?
Like stop being surprised.
Yeah.
That they're showing up asthemselves.
They're obviously not going tochange, but you can.
You can change how you thinkabout it.
You can change how you engage.
You can change how you show up.
But yeah, it is so interestingto just see, okay, what is it
that I'm thinking?
Am I thinking they should changeinstead of I should change?
(20:15):
I thought it was reallyinteresting too when you said
they sound fair.
Our manuals sound fair to us,right?
We write our manuals accordingto what is going to make us feel
really good.
So it does feel very good andfair to us, and we don't
recognize that.
Oh, but somebody else might behaving a completely different
expectation around this.
They might have Thanksgivingdinner at dinner time.
(20:37):
They might prefer fish toTurkey.
They might, you know, there'sthese different things where we
think, oh, they might feel likethey're, that's fair and good.
How can I reconcile that?
So that leads into how doescommunication play a role here?
'cause communication I think isreally the way.
So if our manuals are invisiblelist of instructions, like
(20:58):
communication is what kind ofmakes them visible again, right?
It helps us to see underneaththat cloak of invisibility that,
oh, I get it.
So, yeah.
So how can we use communication?
Kellyn (21:08):
You know, I'm gonna, turn us off onto a new road here
really quickly and mm-hmm.
Then talk about other people.
But I think first and foremost,we have to communicate with
ourselves.
And you're like, what do youmean?
What does that mean?
You know, your body iscommunicating to you all the
time in the form of emotions andphysical symptoms, you know, but
for the sake of thisconversation, just talking about
(21:28):
emotional wellbeing, right.
When we're anxious, when we'restressed, when we're exhausted,
it's saying, Hey, there'ssomething to be looked at here.
And in this sense, communicatingwith yourself, is really asking
yourself like, what do I need?
What am I thinking that feelsreally sticky right now?
What am I feeling that feelsreally uncomfortable?
(21:49):
And the reason this is soimportant is because if we don't
know what we're feeling and wedon't know what we're thinking,
we blame everybody else.
like you said, it's really avictim mentality around mm-hmm.
Like, I'm feeling this way andit's because of this and I'm
thinking about this and it'sbecause of that.
You know, it's always pointingall around, but if you can kind
(22:11):
of tune into yourself and beinglike, I'm stressed.
What am I doing to create someof my own stress?
Right.
I can give an example of like,you know, looking at the manual
that you have for yourselfduring the holidays, right.
I live on the west coast.
My family's on the East coast.
If I travel over 2000 miles togo home for family for the
(22:32):
holidays, I have a manual formyself that I have to be in a
good mood the entire time, orI'm a bad daughter.
And like, think about how Iwould show up if, if that's my
manual, that most of us, again,communicating with ourselves
that we don't even know to like,take a look at if that's my
manual for myself.
The second I feel tired or I'mnot in the mood to do something,
(22:56):
I'm not showing upauthentically.
Okay.
So that's about where things cutout with Kellyn.
And so I'm gonna share a littlebit more about what Kellyn and I
discussed, and then I'll share afew more points along the way.
But I found it reallyinteresting to have this
conversation about thatexpectation about how we are
showing up, because we do havethese manuals for ourselves, and
we think, well, no, I should beable to travel 2000 miles and
(23:18):
still be pleasant 100% of thetime.
Jet lag shouldn't affect me.
I should be able to just beamazing 100% of the time because
I sacrificed so much to be herewith my family.
So none of those other thingsshould happen.
I should be super human insteadof human right.
But that's really ignoring thefact that, yeah, we are
multidimensional people andwe're going to have many
(23:38):
different emotions, especiallywhen we're fatigued from
traveling 2000 miles.
Our manuals for ourself areoften like that.
We're going to pretend that,okay, well, I'm gonna hold
myself to a different standard.
Let yourself be human, and thatmeans sometimes you're gonna be
hangry, sometimes you're gonnahave jet lag.
Sometimes you're just gonna needto go take a nap and give
yourself permission that, yeah,when I'm experiencing that human
(23:59):
experience, it's going to beokay.
I don't have to limit myself toonly one emotional experience
the whole time just because I'mwith family.
I also really love how Kellynreally kind of led into this
idea of communicating withyourself first by tuning into
your own body, recognizing,okay, what is happening for me
right now?
How am I feeling right now?
(24:19):
Because right now it seems likemy nervous system is really
activated, so what is it that Ineed?
It's using your emotions toidentify your needs so that
those needs can be communicated.
So identifying, okay, am Ifeeling judged?
Am I feeling tired?
Am I feeling irritated?
Am I feeling insecure?
Am I feeling hungry?
Identify the emotion.
Use that as information toidentify the need underneath
(24:42):
that emotion and so that you canget that need met.
And I get it.
It takes a lot of courage toactually express what it is that
you need, but I promise you, youwill be shocked at how many more
of your needs will be met assoon as you start to proactively
let people know what it is thatyou need.
Our manuals want us to assumethat everybody should know, but
(25:04):
when you start to communicateit, boy, everything changes.
And honestly, it's thatcommunication piece.
So yes, communicating withyourself and also communicating
with other people.
That is what is going to makethe invisible ink in your
manuals visible is actuallysaying aloud what is in your
manuals, or asking questions toother people to figure out what
(25:25):
is in their manual rather thanjust assuming these assumptions
go in both ways.
Both assuming people should knowwhat's in our manual, and also
us assuming that we know whatother people are thinking as
well.
So practice communicating, andeven over communicating.
Sometimes we think that we'recommunicating, but we're
actually just being super dupersubtle and we're not actually
(25:47):
making the progress that we'rehoping to.
So be willing to ask theclarifying questions.
Be willing to ask.
Okay.
Help me understand, were youmeaning that you would like it
this way or that way?
Ask the questions.
I get it.
It does require vulnerability,but it is so much better.
Okay.
The next thing I want you tothink about is how to make
showing up measurable for you.
(26:07):
This kind of goes off of thewhole jet lag situation, right?
It's not realistic to say, I'mgonna show up a hundred percent
of the time.
Because we're human.
So I want you to really identifythree things that can make it
measurable for you so you'llknow how you're showing up well.
Maybe this is when you'retraveling to be with family,
maybe this is you showing up atthe holiday party, whatever it
is.
Before going into that exchange,I want you to think of three
(26:30):
things that will make itmeasurable for you that you
showed up well.
So this might mean, okay, when Ishow up at the party, I'm going
to smile and be engaging andgive the hostess a compliment.
That will be one way that I'llknow I'm showing up.
Well, I'm also going to make apoint to engage with three
different people and ask themeach three questions.
Okay.
Make it very, very measurablefor you.
(26:51):
You do not have to talk toeverybody at the party.
Your brain is gonna say that Ifyou don't talk to every single
person at the party and show upwell in every single exchange
that you failed, that's all ornothing thinking it is not
helpful.
So identify three things thatwill let you know that yes, I am
showing up well.
So now I wanna share with you afew specific examples that have
been sent in from listeners onsocial media.
(27:13):
If you are not following me andKellyn on social media, you
should do so.
You can find me atmaryannwalker.life on Facebook,
Instagram, and TikTok.
And is at Daydreamer Coaching.
So come and follow us.
When you engage with ourcontent, it really helps us to
know how best to show up foryou.
So come and find me there, butI'm gonna share a few specific
situations that were sharedaround social media and then
(27:33):
we'll kind of talk about them.
So this first person wrote inand they said, yeah, so I have
this one family member thatevery time we get together for
the holidays.
All they wanna talk about is myrelationship status.
I'm a business owner.
I have so many things going onand projects in the community,
and I'm enjoying my life, butthey want to minimize me down to
my being single.
(27:53):
Okay, now first, realize thatyou have some big assumptions
that you are assuming out of thegate, that they only want to
know about your relationshipstatus.
But honestly, they might notknow what else to ask.
If this is a family member thatyou only see once or twice a
year, they might not know aboutthose other projects.
So recognize the assumptionsthat are coming in and also
(28:13):
recognize the manual that youhave for this person that they
should be asking the otherquestions.
So when we have a manual for anindividual, we really wanna dig
in our heels and say, no, theyshould be different.
They should change.
Meanwhile, we're not changing.
So I want you to think a littlebit about how do I usually
engage when they ask me thatquestion of, oh, are you seeing
(28:34):
anyone?
What comes up for me and how doI show up?
And knowing that, okay, I havethe information, that more than
likely I'm going to be askedthat question.
How do I wanna show updifferently?
There's a few different thingsthat you can do here.
Okay.
My absolute favorite one isredirecting the conversation so
you can answer their questionwith a polite, actually, no, I'm
(28:54):
not seeing anybody right now,but I'm really enjoying this
project that I'm working on.
Can I tell you about it?
That's going to help you toredirect that conversation in a
kind way and still be able tokeep the line of communication
open while minimizing that angerand resentment.
Okay, so recognize that, yeah,you do have this belief that
they should not be the way thatthey are.
And also it gives you such hugebenefit to know that, hey, I
(29:17):
already know how they're goingto show up.
That gives me information sothat I can be prepared instead
of pretending to be surprisedevery time they show up the same
way.
Right.
Don't be so shocked whensomebody's showing up the same
way they always have, simplybecause you hoped that they
would show up differently.
So just to sum up, redirect theconversation.
(29:37):
Tell them what things bring youjoy.
Give them options for theconversation for other subjects
that you can talk about.
You have more control over thesituation than you give yourself
credit for.
Okay?
So use the information that youhave so that you can show up
differently.
Okay, so this next one, I'mgonna kind of be blending
together a few differentscenarios because honestly, this
came from every generation.
(29:58):
This came from the young adultwho has just moved out of the
home, from the young parent,from the grandparent, every
generation basically sent in thesame question, which is a.
Am I supposed to invite them orare they supposed to invite me?
Why aren't they inviting me forthe holidays?
We have so many assumptions overthis, right?
And so some of the young peopleare thinking, well, no, it would
be easier for them to travel tome.
(30:18):
So they should just know andsay, Hey, we're coming to help
out with Christmas.
And then the older generation islikewise thinking, well, it
would just be so great to haveeverybody home for the holidays.
Everybody has differentexpectations around this.
And again, the key is toidentify that, hey, I do have an
expectation here, and be willingto communicate it.
(30:38):
Okay.
This is as simple as asking aquestion.
For example, you could say, Hey,I would love to see you over the
holidays, right?
That's making a request.
What might that look like?
Is that a possibility?
Would my place or your placework better?
Be willing to have thoseconversations.
Let go of just assuming thatthey should do something or that
you should do something, or whoshould initiate what, but be
(30:59):
willing to have a conversationabout it and communicate about
it so that you can both get onthe same page of your manuals.
Right?
Make that invisible ink visibleby actually expressing what it
is that you want.
And yeah, it might be a littlebit uncomfortable in the
beginning because it's not whatyou're used to, right?
But be willing to lean into thatdiscomfort and ask those
questions.
(31:20):
It's gonna make it significantlymore likely that you can get
what it is that you want.
Okay, so here's another write-inas somebody wrote in talking
about basically kind of theemotional whiplash that they
were experiencing because theyreally wanted to be happy and
cheerful for the holiday, andthey were also super aggravated
with their siblings and thediscourse that was happening in
the group chat.
Now, this one is quite aninteresting one too, right?
(31:41):
Because there's multiple manualshappening and that's usually the
case.
So not only does this personhave the manual for themselves
that well, I should be happy andcheerful for the holiday, but
they also have in their manualthat, and my siblings should
play nice over the holidays.
Now, we don't know much aboutthese siblings.
We don't know how they engagethroughout the rest of the year,
but I want you to get curiousabout am I holding everybody to
(32:02):
a different standard simplybecause it's December.
Because so often that's exactlywhat we do.
We don't only have manuals forindividuals or for group
settings or for holidays, butthese manuals can change
depending on what time of theyear it is.
You might not care that yoursiblings are having a little
hissy fit in the group chat ifit's like in the middle of
March.
(32:23):
Right?
But you have it in your headthat because it's December,
things should be different.
I also want you to notice thatsomething is happening where
you're making your joy andcontentment conditional upon
your siblings showing up well,and that is very much forfeiting
your own happiness.
So notice that, that, hey, it'sokay for my siblings to be my
(32:46):
siblings.
I do not have to engage in theconversation.
I do not have to be thepeacemaker.
I don't have to solve theproblem.
And I can still find things tobe joyful about.
Okay.
Notice that there's a lot morethings going on that you can be
joyful about, even if yoursiblings aren't engaging in the
way that you would reallyprefer.
Okay?
Okay.
Here's another write in.
This person was experiencingwhat they called performance
(33:08):
pressure.
They were wanting to show up asbeing really festive and bright,
but they were also feelingpretty grinchy at the same time.
So this is kind of similar tothe previous one.
But they were just feelingreally overwhelmed with all of
the things happening for theholiday.
And oh my goodness, when I readthis, I was instantly taken back
to when all of my kids were inelementary school.
I have three kids and they werein three different grades, and I
(33:28):
remember the overwhelm of, oh mygoodness.
Now it's expected that I go tothree separate classroom
parties.
There's three separate Christmasconcerts.
There's all of the friendparties, neighborhood parties,
church parties, communityevents, it was all over the
place and I just felt sooverwhelmed.
And I really wish that young momme had had coaching at that
(33:49):
time.
Because what I really wish thatyoung mom me would've really
known is that, yeah, I get it.
There's so much going on.
I remember feeling that burnout.
I remember thinking, ah, I justwish that I had one free night,
and I'd point out to her that somany of these things are
optional.
I get it that you have so muchpressure on yourself to not only
participate in all of thoseevents.
(34:09):
But to also make sure that thekids make gingerbread houses, to
also take the kids sledding toalso, you know, we have this
list for ourselves in additionto everything else, and it's all
optional.
All of it is optional.
It's okay to decline aninvitation to a party.
It's okay to not show up atevery single event.
And I think it's also reallyhelpful in this scenario to
(34:32):
utilize the parts work, right?
So recognizing, okay, a reallybig part of me is so excited to
go to my child's kindergartenChristmas concert, and it's
their first one ever, and it'sso adorable, and about 90% of me
is really happy to be there.
The other 10% is also knowingthat, oh my goodness.
(34:53):
And as soon as we finish thatone, they're gonna clear the
room and then they're gonna dothe next grade, and then they'll
clear the room and do the nextgrade.
And I'm in this for the longhaul.
I'm going to be here for threeconcerts, and I'm not looking
forward to that part.
That's okay.
Okay.
Again, remember, you're human.
It's okay to have all thesedifferent emotions.
You do not have to be happy andpleasant 100% of the time.
(35:16):
It's okay to say no and remindyourself that this is a choice,
and right now I'm choosing this.
Simply reminding yourself thatyou have a choice in the matter
makes everything feel so muchmore doable.
We have this belief that, well,I should be able to be
everything for everybody 100% ofthe time, but it's okay to let
(35:36):
yourself be human.
Okay.
Now one other thing I reallywant you to think about is let's
just assume for a minute that,okay, I've identified what I
want, I've recognized what Ineed, I've communicated it, and
we're still not on the samepage.
Now, ideally, communication isgonna get everybody on the same
page in our manuals, right?
But if you're still not on thesame page, what do you do?
(35:57):
I communicated so much with mytechnology and I still couldn't
get back the full interview.
Maybe you find that you'recommunicating with a family
member, you're still not able toget on the same page about what
the holidays look like.
Life happens and things are outof our control.
Sometimes we think if I canidentify the manual, then I can
control everything.
now, if that were true, we wouldall be blissfully happy all the
(36:18):
time.
But because we all havedifferent manuals in our heads,
more often than not we're gonnahave to negotiate or we're gonna
have to learn how to navigatenegativity, emotion.
So practice that.
Practice allowing yourself tofeel negative emotions, to
recognize that, boy, I'm feelingso frustrated.
I'm feeling so frustrated rightnow that things aren't working
out in the way that I wanted to.
(36:38):
Now, for me, with this episode,yeah, I did have to take some
time to feel my feelings, andinitially when I saw that it did
not record, I sent a cryingemoji to Kellyn and said, oh my
gosh, I just wanna cry.
And of course when she saw that,she said, I know'cause it was so
good, right?
And I was like, no, it's becauseit's gone.
And I had to feel my feelings onit.
I had to take a night to sleepon it.
(36:59):
And as you are intentional aboutfeeling and processing your
emotions, that's when you cancome back the next day and say,
okay, and now what do I wannado?
Knowing some things are gonna beout of my control.
What can I do now?
And it puts you in the driver'sseat of your life.
When we have our manuals, theymake us wanna think that we do
not have a choice in the matter,but we do.
Remember you are choosing this.
(37:21):
Okay.
Now, just to kind of recap,first of all, notice what your
own manuals are and notice thatthey show up by, okay, well this
is the way things"should" be orthe way that things are
"supposed" to be.
Come to recognize your manuals.
And then number two, do notassume that everybody has the
same manual.
Communicate and over communicateto get on the same page.
Number three, figure out how tomake things measurable for you
(37:43):
that you are showing up well.
Number four, identify and makerequests for what it is that you
want.
And number five, if you'reunable to get on the same page,
practice that emotionalregulation.
Okay?
And it's okay, do you do this,this, and that?
Thinking that, okay, well thispercentage of me is really
feeling good about it and thispart of me is not feeling good
about it, and that's okay.
(38:04):
So just as a reminder, bothKellyn and I are filling up our
calendars for the new year.
So reach out if you'd likesupport.
If you have discovered listeningto this that, oh my goodness, I
have so many manuals and I wouldlike to feel more empowered in
my life.
Come and work with us.
You can find all of our contactinformation in the show notes.
You do not have to navigate thisalone.
Alright, well, I hope you have agreat holiday and let's talk
(38:26):
soon.
Bye now.
Well, hello and welcome back tomy holiday episode.
I am wearing my super cuteunicorn Christmas sweater,
right?
Because why not?
I'm feeling the holiday spirit.
It's a great day.
And today we're going to betalking about manuals,
specifically manuals around theholidays.
Now, manuals are basically ourinvisible list of instructions
for how we think things shouldbe and one manual that I have is
(00:41):
that technology should always bereliable.
That you should be able to dowhat it is that you need to do
with technology, and thateverything should just flow more
smoothly because of it.
Right?
But that is not always the case.
So I kind of can.
Appreciate, even though I'm alittle irritated that for
today's episode, I wasinterviewing my friend and
fellow coach Kellyn Legath, andwe had some technology issues.
(01:04):
We actually recorded twice.
The first time the sound wasn'tworking.
We were just on top of eachother.
It wasn't working well.
So we re-recorded and I don'tknow what happened, but it only
recorded 20 minutes of our 50,no, it was a full hour, a full
hour conversation.
I got only 20 minutes of Kelynspecifically for whatever
reason, it recorded me the wholetime.
But listening to me talk tomyself without knowing what the
(01:26):
other person is saying, well,that's not super fun.
So I could sit and be miserableand say, oh no, the podcast is
gonna be completely ruined.
I'm not gonna have this funexchange for my holiday episode
like I had hoped.
I could have that in my manualthat, well, that didn't work out
the way it was supposed to, sotherefore it's all ruined.
But that would essentially beforfeiting my own emotional
(01:48):
state to my circumstances.
And that is not what we do hereon the podcast.
So for today, I'm introducingthe podcast here.
I'm telling you why it's gonnacut out briefly in my
conversation with Kelyn.
And then I will finish out theepisode as a solo episode
because guess what?
Life happens.
And while Kelyn and I didentertain the idea.
Of recording for a third time.
It's the holidays.
(02:09):
You guys.
Life is busy.
In fact, I'm recording this onMonday.
I have surgery Tuesday and thenthis drops on Thursday.
So we are on a bit of a timecrunch, and that is not the way
it was supposed to be, but as welearn to recognize our manuals
of how we think things aresupposed to be, that's when
we're able to step into radicalacceptance.
And when you're able toradically accept the way things
(02:31):
are, rather than resisting itthinking, but no, it's supposed
to be like that, that's when wefind true joy.
That's when we can actually actrather than react emotionally.
And it is so much moreempowering than making yourself
the victim of circumstance.
So without further ado, here isthe 20 minute clip I have of me
and Kellyn
MaryAnn (02:49):
Well, hello and welcome back.
I am so excited for today.
I have my friend and fellowcoach Kellyn Legath with us
today.
Hello Kellyn.
Hi.
Kellyn (02:57):
I'm so happy to be here.
Be back.
MaryAnn (03:00):
So Kellyn and I help people to stay emotionally
regulated while they'renavigating the challenges of
life.
And today we really wanted todive into specifically the
holidays.
It is really easy to assume thatthe holidays should look like a
Christmas card.
But that is not always the case.
Life happens, seasons change,and sometimes the holidays that
we yearn for, then they justseem just out of reach.
(03:21):
And more often than not, it'sthe fact that we're focusing so
much of our mental energy ontohow we think things should be,
that we really struggle toaccept and adapt to how things
actually are.
It's kind of our thoughts thatare keeping us stuck.
So today then Kellyn and I wouldlove to kind of explore the idea
of how to manage your mind inorder to increase the chances of
you having a fantastic holiday,because that's always the goal,
(03:44):
right?
So, Kellyn, do you wanna launchinto, holiday manuals?
We're gonna kind of use this asthe backbone for today's
episode.
So tell us a bit about whatholiday manuals are and how they
show up.
Kellyn (03:54):
Yeah.
You know, I first just wanna saya manual is something that will
change your life if youunderstand how to use and
implement it.
I know I changed my life.
I know it changed your life.
but overall, I think manuals arethis like gorgeous leather bound
book that have these laminatedpages.
(04:15):
but basically it acts as therule book for how others should
behave so we can feel good.
and the kicker about a manualand a holiday manual in
particular is that it's oftenjust in our minds, we don't
share it with others.
so it's, it's basically ourexpectation rule book, right,
for how other people should act,how the holidays should be.
(04:38):
and I like that word should, isso important for people to tune
into in their own lives, asthey're going, well, it should
be this way or it should be thatway.
There's judgment under it.
There is.
so much frustration and pushingaway the acceptance of what is.
So.
Mm-hmm.
Um, I'll, I'll stop therebecause there's so much I can
(04:59):
say around it, but tell me, yourthoughts about that.
MaryAnn (05:03):
Yeah, I think that was a good explanation for it.
we all have these invisible listof instructions for how the
world is supposed to work,right?
And like you said, I think ifyou notice those shoulds coming
up, especially around theholidays.
Oh, well, they should be doingthat.
They should be doing that, or Ishould be doing this.
We have manuals for ourselves aswell, and sometimes it's like a
skinny little folder, and othertimes it has multiple volumes
(05:25):
and we're dragging around thiswhole wheelbarrow full of all of
these manuals for how we thinkthe world should be, but it
really is kind of limiting whenwe have this list of
instructions for, no, this ishow it's supposed to be.
It can be kind of limiting,especially because everybody has
different manuals.
Have you
Kellyn (05:43):
noticed that?
Oh, totally.
Totally.
And I think we break it.
As I'm hearing you talk, I'mlike, oh, let's break this down
even further.
Right?
There's like the manual for howthe holiday should be.
Like it should be, it shouldsnow on the holiday.
It should, everyone should betogether.
It should be full of fun andjoy, which means nobody can feel
any kind of negative emotion.
(06:04):
Right.
And then we have a separatemanual for how the people that
we're surrounded with during theholiday, how they should be
acting.
and that looks like, um, I mean,if, if anyone listening you,
you're like, do I have a peoplefor people?
No, I don't think so.
You can just ask yourself, thinkof someone who you're gonna
interact with over the holiday,and think about what you want
them to do or not do.
(06:26):
think about, you know, like youdon't want your dad to bring up
politics or like, in my case, Iwant people to talk about
politics.
Yeah.
Um, it's like you don't wantyour mom to ask about your ex,
you don't want your sister tobring her a dog.
You know, it's really this,again, a rule book for trying to
control the uncontrollable.
And if I mm-hmm.
If I shift us back into.
(06:48):
talking about our holidayspecific manual, it should snow
on Christmas.
Mm-hmm.
Like if you have a really strongmanual of like, it should snow
on Christmas or doesn't feellike Christmas and then you
can't control the weather, youknow, it's silly.
And, and like over said, it is.
The truth is like you're gonnabe miserable and then you're
gonna be blaming the weather forhow you feel.
MaryAnn (07:10):
Yep.
So true.
And it's so funny that youbrought up snow.
Because we lived for a year inTexas and we did not get snow
for Christmas.
And being a Utah girly, I waslike, whoa.
How do people celebrateChristmas if there's no snow?
But it's funny because withthose manuals, we don't often
realize that we have them untilhindsight, right?
So I didn't know that I had thismanual that you're supposed to
(07:31):
have snow for Christmas until Iwas in Texas and didn't have it.
And another one that came up forme was then when we moved to
Kansas, there weren't anymountains and I thought.
How are you supposed to camp?
Where are you supposed to set upyour tent if there's not a
mountain?
And it's just so funny, theselittle things where it's like,
well, that's not how it'ssupposed to be, but then we can
apply it to the weather or thelandscape and also to people.
(07:54):
So I'm really curious, I wasthinking be fun.
If we could each, share,personal experience that we had
specifically with holidaymanuals.
Do you wanna share yourexperience first?
Yes.
Kellyn (08:03):
Um, so I had such a huge emotional blowout a few years
ago.
I can't remember where I wasthinking about it before we got
onto this, this podcast.
And I'm like thinking, when wasthis?
it had to be in like my midtwenties.
I know I was living in New Yorkat the time and it was one
Christmas and my mom got me likeglass Tupperware containers for
(08:26):
the holiday that like as one ofmy gifts.
Mm-hmm.
I'm not joking when I tell you Icried like the entire day.
Mm-hmm.
I was so upset.
I just had this manual of like,she should know what I want.
she should get me something fun,not something practical.
And then I went into, she shouldunderstand why I'm upset.
(08:48):
So I had a manual on top of amanual.
Here's what you did wrong, likethe action that you took that
was wrong.
And now you don't know why I amupset and why this was the wrong
gift.
And I was, I was literallydevastated the entire day.
And I, I.
So much of the work I do, Ibring in the inner child, and I
(09:09):
think at that time I didn'treally have an understanding of
it.
and we, might get into this aswe talk further, it wouldn't
surprise me that when you're inyour childhood home or when
you're back with your parents,you almost automatically go into
that like child role and youremotions from childhood show up.
Like I was very much acting asmuch younger version of myself
(09:31):
in how I was expressing, how Iwas like so stubborn and shut
down and kind of stomping aroundthe house like a teenager when I
was, in my twenties.
But this story for peoplelistening like this was not
about Tupperware containers.
There was something so muchlarger at play here.
There was such an underlyingbelief.
It was a buildup of my ownfrustrations.
(09:53):
that I hadn't communicated foryears mm-hmm.
Um, on what I needed from my momor like things that I wanted.
and I had my whole life I reallyhad such a hard time expressing
my needs, expressing myfeelings, setting a boundary.
So really this is an a, a deeperneed to be seen, to be heard, to
be understood, to feel attunedto, you know?
Mm-hmm.
(10:13):
Um, so I think until Iunderstood manuals and
regulation, tools and mindsetwork.
I would've continued this yearover year and just gone further
and further away from my motherwho thank God now I have such a
wonderful relationship.
MaryAnn (10:29):
Yeah.
I really appreciate that examplebecause it shows a few things.
First of all, it illustratesthat we all have different
manuals, right?
Because your mom probablythought, you know what?
My adult daughter would reallylove a practical gift.
She probably has, you know.
We have these stories in herhead that that's probably
exactly what I should get herand she's just gonna love it so
much.
That's your mom's manual andthen that yours was a different
(10:51):
manual, but it's interesting inthat particular story, and I'm
curious if you can kind of sharea bit around this, but it sounds
like you had some story and someweight around it that if my mom
got me Tupperware, that meanswhat?
Kellyn (11:05):
Just like she didn't know me at all.
Yeah.
She just like wasn't, I think Iwas feeling like, oh, she
doesn't get it.
Why would she get me this?
I wonder if I was hoping forsomething in particular.
And to be honest, I, I don'tnecessarily think that I was, I
think there was just this sortof underlying need for, just
wanting something really specialor really unique so I could open
(11:28):
it up and be like, oh.
She gets me, she really sees me.
She knows that I'm like reallyinto clothing right now and she
got me like the perfect top.
Like that's what I wanted,right?
Mm-hmm.
But how could she have everknown unless I communicated?
And I think that's really theroot of manuals is like there's
so much unsaid that builds upresentment and frustration and
(11:52):
the story builds and builds andbuilds.
It really is like poison for ourrelationships.
Um, because what happens here isthere's no communication,
there's no telling people and somuch, I'm sure people listening,
will resonate with this aroundlike, well, they should just
know
MaryAnn (12:09):
Exactly Right.
We assume that everybody has thesame manual.
Yeah.
My mom should know to not giftme Tupperware for Christmas.
She should know it's in themanual.
Didn't you?
Look?
Yeah.
And, It's because we have thatbelief that it keeps us stuck.
Isn't it just interesting toreflect on that, that, oh, I
made Tupperware mean my momdidn't know me that well, that
(12:31):
she didn't really care as much,that she wasn't as intuitive as
to what I might need.
You made it mean a lot of thingsabout the relationship and it's
funny because right, like whenyou zoom out a little bit, it's
like, okay, it's Tupperware.
But the stories we put aroundit.
Very interesting.
Right, totally.
Kellyn (12:48):
Like even as I'm saying it or retelling it now and
hearing you, I'm like, oh, I gotthat upset over Tupperware.
I could have just been like, Idon't need this.
MaryAnn (12:57):
Mm-hmm.
Kellyn (12:57):
Or thanks, but I do mind if I return this and get
something that I I'll use moreoften.
Which by the way.
Just a name.
I use this Tupperware still tothis day, it's been like 15
years.
I actually just bought lids forit like a week ago.
Like I use this Tupperware allthe time.
my mom, had an idea of her headof like, this will be helpful.
(13:20):
Like, I wanna get her helpfulgift.
And I made it wrong.
I made her choice wrong.
And I, like you said, I gave itso much meaning, and it really
put a damper on our relationshipbecause I started having all of
these like deeper beliefs oflike, my mom doesn't understand
me.
She's not too mean to me.
She, why would you get me this?
(13:41):
Like, I, you know, probably evenas I'm saying it, it just like,
sounds like a teenager a littlebit like kicking and screaming,
like, you don't get it,
MaryAnn (13:50):
but that's what manuals do, right?
Like, it kind of does kind ofcome through that toddler mind a
little bit.
But it's also interesting likenumber one, that you're still
using that Tupperware to thisday.
And also I have hadconversations with my kids where
I'm like, okay, um, girls, I'mnot gonna be buying you clothes
because i'm not gonna get youanything that you would like.
(14:10):
I don't know enough.
Right.
I know that the trends arechanging and different fits and
I'm like, so just know you guyscan buy clothes for each other.
I can give you cash, but Yeah.
But isn't it interesting thatthat's my manual is don't do it?
And then maybe my kid does havea manual that, but maybe.
So it's just interesting to seehow different those manuals can
be.
and we're gonna get a little bitmore into like how to resolve
(14:33):
those moving on, but I thoughtI'd share my holiday manual
story.
This one was just kind of sillyas well.
It's always kind of surprisinghow they show up.
'cause you only see them inhindsight, right?
Where it's like, oh, I did havean expectation there.
And I wanna share somethingquick before I jump into this.
There was something that afriend of mine told me once, and
it was that expectations orunspoken expectations are
(14:55):
premeditated resentments.
Kellyn (14:57):
Ooh, it's so good.
So like.
Tattoo that on your forehead.
Good.
Like everyone needs to rememberthat because it's the most It's
so true.
MaryAnn (15:06):
Yeah.
Because it totally leads intothese manuals because they're
invisible.
They go unspoken, and that'smostly what it creates is just a
lot of resentment.
So being curious about it,leading into that,
communicating.
But anyway, so here's my sillymanual story is, so for years we
lived far away from family.
A thousand miles away.
It wasn't feasible, especiallyto travel in the winter months.
(15:28):
To come to be with family.
So I did have to work to let goof the manual that okay, I'm not
gonna be with my family for theholidays.
And that was a bit of achallenge.
But then it was interestingthat, you know, we lived in a
military town.
We'd make new friends every yearand one year then we got
together with another family forThanksgiving.
And in my manual thenThanksgiving dinner is at like
(15:52):
noon, so then you eat lunch andyou, that's the only meal you
cook, and then you just eatleftovers for the rest of the
day and in their manual.
Then Thanksgiving dinner was atdinner time.
It was at like five or six.
I thought, why are we doing itthat way?
It was so interesting'cause Inever told them that, well, no,
like can we do it a littleearlier?
That might work better for ourfamily.
So not only did they haveThanksgiving later in the day,
(16:15):
but they served fish.
I was like, what is evenhappening?
Like that's not how this issupposed to work.
But it was so interesting thatthese are things where it was
just, I could have gone into itwith, let's see how other people
navigate the holidays.
But it was interesting to seehow I was like, oh, this isn't
right.
This feels so uncomfortable.
But again, I didn't know untilhindsight that I had that
(16:37):
expectation.
I just assumed that everybodywould celebrate the same way.
Kellyn (16:42):
And the sentence that you said, this isn't how it's
supposed to work, is such Idon't think most people, like
you said, manuals are kind of inhindsight we don't even see it.
Yeah, it's really hard to see.
It's like, no, it's, it's notsupposed to be this way.
And I think in that, you make itwrong.
Just like I made my mom wrong.
She made the wrong choice.
She did the wrong thing, wemake, they're doing it wrong.
(17:05):
They're doing the holiday, theThanksgiving dinner at the wrong
time, and they're eating thewrong foods.
Like we make other people wrongbased on what we think is right.
That is never communicated mostof the time, not communicated.
MaryAnn (17:19):
And that really slides into our next talking point,
which is how does having thesemanuals, especially over the
holidays, how does that keep usstuck and miserable when we want
to be joyous, right?
We wanna be happy for theholidays, so how do these
manuals keep us stuck andmiserable?
Kellyn (17:35):
Yeah.
I think there's two ways itkeeps us miserable because it
keeps us at the mercy of someoneelse being responsible for our
emotions.
MaryAnn (17:44):
Ooh, that's so good.
Say it again.
Kellyn (17:46):
manuals keep us miserable because they keep us
at the mercy of someone elsebeing responsible for our own
emotions.
MaryAnn (17:53):
So good.
I mean, because you don't thinkabout it until it's really
pointed out.
Like the way that you worded itis so good.
Because that really is kind ofthe definition of victim energy,
right?
Totally.
So here we're wanting to feeljolly and bright, right?
That's what we want for theholidays.
But we're delegating ourhappiness and peace to, I'm only
gonna be happy if all of theselittle check boxes in my manual
(18:18):
get checked off, then I'll behappy.
Kellyn (18:20):
Totally.
MaryAnn (18:20):
Totally.
And really what, so no wonder wegot miserable.
Kellyn (18:23):
Absolutely.
I mean, really what it comesdown to is control.
And I think when people hear,I'm certainly, when I heard that
for the first time, I was like,I'm not controlling.
Mm-hmm.
I like it.
Didn't You don't feel, I thinkthat's the thing with Manuels.
It doesn't feel, they feelreally fair.
It feels like a really fairthing to ask.
(18:44):
They're very logical.
It's a very reasonable, like tous, like it feels very logical
and reasonable.
Um, hey, I don't want thatperson to say that thing.
Like in your mind you're like,yeah, I don't, that's terrible.
but what happens is we're liketethered to somebody else, and.
It's like, no wonder everyone'smiserable during the holidays.
We're stressed and anxious andare holding our breath hoping
(19:07):
they do or don't do what wewant, or don't say what we want
or don't feel how we want themto feel.
and then we are constantlyreacting rather than responding.
And, and I just have to say,I'll never forget when I heard
somebody say, I wish I couldfind the exact quote, but.
She said, stop being surprisedby people that have always acted
(19:28):
a certain way and continue toact the way they always have.
MaryAnn (19:33):
Yeah, so good.
And we're totally gonna get intothat.
I have a few specific examplesthat we're gonna go over, but Oh
my goodness.
Yeah, because people are gonnashow up the way they're gonna
show up.
And so many manuals, and onceyou start to see it, you can't
unsee it, but there are so manymanuals that they always show up
that way and they shouldn't showup that way.
They should know better.
(19:53):
And it's like, are yousurprised?
Are you surprised they're gonnashow up?
Like stop being surprised.
Yeah.
That they're showing up asthemselves.
They're obviously not going tochange, but you can.
You can change how you thinkabout it.
You can change how you engage.
You can change how you show up.
But yeah, it is so interestingto just see, okay, what is it
that I'm thinking?
Am I thinking they should changeinstead of I should change?
(20:15):
I thought it was reallyinteresting too when you said
they sound fair.
Our manuals sound fair to us,right?
We write our manuals accordingto what is going to make us feel
really good.
So it does feel very good andfair to us, and we don't
recognize that.
Oh, but somebody else might behaving a completely different
expectation around this.
They might have Thanksgivingdinner at dinner time.
(20:37):
They might prefer fish toTurkey.
They might, you know, there'sthese different things where we
think, oh, they might feel likethey're, that's fair and good.
How can I reconcile that?
So that leads into how doescommunication play a role here?
'cause communication I think isreally the way.
So if our manuals are invisiblelist of instructions, like
(20:58):
communication is what kind ofmakes them visible again, right?
It helps us to see underneaththat cloak of invisibility that,
oh, I get it.
So, yeah.
So how can we use communication?
Kellyn (21:08):
You know, I'm gonna, turn us off onto a new road here
really quickly and mm-hmm.
Then talk about other people.
But I think first and foremost,we have to communicate with
ourselves.
And you're like, what do youmean?
What does that mean?
You know, your body iscommunicating to you all the
time in the form of emotions andphysical symptoms, you know, but
for the sake of thisconversation, just talking about
(21:28):
emotional wellbeing, right.
When we're anxious, when we'restressed, when we're exhausted,
it's saying, Hey, there'ssomething to be looked at here.
And in this sense, communicatingwith yourself, is really asking
yourself like, what do I need?
What am I thinking that feelsreally sticky right now?
What am I feeling that feelsreally uncomfortable?
(21:49):
And the reason this is soimportant is because if we don't
know what we're feeling and wedon't know what we're thinking,
we blame everybody else.
like you said, it's really avictim mentality around mm-hmm.
Like, I'm feeling this way andit's because of this and I'm
thinking about this and it'sbecause of that.
You know, it's always pointingall around, but if you can kind
(22:11):
of tune into yourself and beinglike, I'm stressed.
What am I doing to create someof my own stress?
Right.
I can give an example of like,you know, looking at the manual
that you have for yourselfduring the holidays, right.
I live on the west coast.
My family's on the East coast.
If I travel over 2000 miles togo home for family for the
(22:32):
holidays, I have a manual formyself that I have to be in a
good mood the entire time, orI'm a bad daughter.
And like, think about how Iwould show up if, if that's my
manual, that most of us, again,communicating with ourselves
that we don't even know to like,take a look at if that's my
manual for myself.
The second I feel tired or I'mnot in the mood to do something,
(22:56):
I'm not showing upauthentically.
Okay.
So that's about where things cutout with Kellyn.
And so I'm gonna share a littlebit more about what Kellyn and I
discussed, and then I'll share afew more points along the way.
But I found it reallyinteresting to have this
conversation about thatexpectation about how we are
showing up, because we do havethese manuals for ourselves, and
we think, well, no, I should beable to travel 2000 miles and
(23:18):
still be pleasant 100% of thetime.
Jet lag shouldn't affect me.
I should be able to just beamazing 100% of the time because
I sacrificed so much to be herewith my family.
So none of those other thingsshould happen.
I should be super human insteadof human right.
But that's really ignoring thefact that, yeah, we are
multidimensional people andwe're going to have many
(23:38):
different emotions, especiallywhen we're fatigued from
traveling 2000 miles.
Our manuals for ourself areoften like that.
We're going to pretend that,okay, well, I'm gonna hold
myself to a different standard.
Let yourself be human, and thatmeans sometimes you're gonna be
hangry, sometimes you're gonnahave jet lag.
Sometimes you're just gonna needto go take a nap and give
yourself permission that, yeah,when I'm experiencing that human
(23:59):
experience, it's going to beokay.
I don't have to limit myself toonly one emotional experience
the whole time just because I'mwith family.
I also really love how Kellynreally kind of led into this
idea of communicating withyourself first by tuning into
your own body, recognizing,okay, what is happening for me
right now?
How am I feeling right now?
(24:19):
Because right now it seems likemy nervous system is really
activated, so what is it that Ineed?
It's using your emotions toidentify your needs so that
those needs can be communicated.
So identifying, okay, am Ifeeling judged?
Am I feeling tired?
Am I feeling irritated?
Am I feeling insecure?
Am I feeling hungry?
Identify the emotion.
Use that as information toidentify the need underneath
(24:42):
that emotion and so that you canget that need met.
And I get it.
It takes a lot of courage toactually express what it is that
you need, but I promise you, youwill be shocked at how many more
of your needs will be met assoon as you start to proactively
let people know what it is thatyou need.
Our manuals want us to assumethat everybody should know, but
(25:04):
when you start to communicateit, boy, everything changes.
And honestly, it's thatcommunication piece.
So yes, communicating withyourself and also communicating
with other people.
That is what is going to makethe invisible ink in your
manuals visible is actuallysaying aloud what is in your
manuals, or asking questions toother people to figure out what
(25:25):
is in their manual rather thanjust assuming these assumptions
go in both ways.
Both assuming people should knowwhat's in our manual, and also
us assuming that we know whatother people are thinking as
well.
So practice communicating, andeven over communicating.
Sometimes we think that we'recommunicating, but we're
actually just being super dupersubtle and we're not actually
(25:47):
making the progress that we'rehoping to.
So be willing to ask theclarifying questions.
Be willing to ask.
Okay.
Help me understand, were youmeaning that you would like it
this way or that way?
Ask the questions.
I get it.
It does require vulnerability,but it is so much better.
Okay.
The next thing I want you tothink about is how to make
showing up measurable for you.
(26:07):
This kind of goes off of thewhole jet lag situation, right?
It's not realistic to say, I'mgonna show up a hundred percent
of the time.
Because we're human.
So I want you to really identifythree things that can make it
measurable for you so you'llknow how you're showing up well.
Maybe this is when you'retraveling to be with family,
maybe this is you showing up atthe holiday party, whatever it
is.
Before going into that exchange,I want you to think of three
(26:30):
things that will make itmeasurable for you that you
showed up well.
So this might mean, okay, when Ishow up at the party, I'm going
to smile and be engaging andgive the hostess a compliment.
That will be one way that I'llknow I'm showing up.
Well, I'm also going to make apoint to engage with three
different people and ask themeach three questions.
Okay.
Make it very, very measurablefor you.
(26:51):
You do not have to talk toeverybody at the party.
Your brain is gonna say that Ifyou don't talk to every single
person at the party and show upwell in every single exchange
that you failed, that's all ornothing thinking it is not
helpful.
So identify three things thatwill let you know that yes, I am
showing up well.
So now I wanna share with you afew specific examples that have
been sent in from listeners onsocial media.
(27:13):
If you are not following me andKellyn on social media, you
should do so.
You can find me atmaryannwalker.life on Facebook,
Instagram, and TikTok.
And is at Daydreamer Coaching.
So come and follow us.
When you engage with ourcontent, it really helps us to
know how best to show up foryou.
So come and find me there, butI'm gonna share a few specific
situations that were sharedaround social media and then
(27:33):
we'll kind of talk about them.
So this first person wrote inand they said, yeah, so I have
this one family member thatevery time we get together for
the holidays.
All they wanna talk about is myrelationship status.
I'm a business owner.
I have so many things going onand projects in the community,
and I'm enjoying my life, butthey want to minimize me down to
my being single.
(27:53):
Okay, now first, realize thatyou have some big assumptions
that you are assuming out of thegate, that they only want to
know about your relationshipstatus.
But honestly, they might notknow what else to ask.
If this is a family member thatyou only see once or twice a
year, they might not know aboutthose other projects.
So recognize the assumptionsthat are coming in and also
(28:13):
recognize the manual that youhave for this person that they
should be asking the otherquestions.
So when we have a manual for anindividual, we really wanna dig
in our heels and say, no, theyshould be different.
They should change.
Meanwhile, we're not changing.
So I want you to think a littlebit about how do I usually
engage when they ask me thatquestion of, oh, are you seeing
(28:34):
anyone?
What comes up for me and how doI show up?
And knowing that, okay, I havethe information, that more than
likely I'm going to be askedthat question.
How do I wanna show updifferently?
There's a few different thingsthat you can do here.
Okay.
My absolute favorite one isredirecting the conversation so
you can answer their questionwith a polite, actually, no, I'm
(28:54):
not seeing anybody right now,but I'm really enjoying this
project that I'm working on.
Can I tell you about it?
That's going to help you toredirect that conversation in a
kind way and still be able tokeep the line of communication
open while minimizing that angerand resentment.
Okay, so recognize that, yeah,you do have this belief that
they should not be the way thatthey are.
And also it gives you such hugebenefit to know that, hey, I
(29:17):
already know how they're goingto show up.
That gives me information sothat I can be prepared instead
of pretending to be surprisedevery time they show up the same
way.
Right.
Don't be so shocked whensomebody's showing up the same
way they always have, simplybecause you hoped that they
would show up differently.
So just to sum up, redirect theconversation.
(29:37):
Tell them what things bring youjoy.
Give them options for theconversation for other subjects
that you can talk about.
You have more control over thesituation than you give yourself
credit for.
Okay?
So use the information that youhave so that you can show up
differently.
Okay, so this next one, I'mgonna kind of be blending
together a few differentscenarios because honestly, this
came from every generation.
(29:58):
This came from the young adultwho has just moved out of the
home, from the young parent,from the grandparent, every
generation basically sent in thesame question, which is a.
Am I supposed to invite them orare they supposed to invite me?
Why aren't they inviting me forthe holidays?
We have so many assumptions overthis, right?
And so some of the young peopleare thinking, well, no, it would
be easier for them to travel tome.
(30:18):
So they should just know andsay, Hey, we're coming to help
out with Christmas.
And then the older generation islikewise thinking, well, it
would just be so great to haveeverybody home for the holidays.
Everybody has differentexpectations around this.
And again, the key is toidentify that, hey, I do have an
expectation here, and be willingto communicate it.
(30:38):
Okay.
This is as simple as asking aquestion.
For example, you could say, Hey,I would love to see you over the
holidays, right?
That's making a request.
What might that look like?
Is that a possibility?
Would my place or your placework better?
Be willing to have thoseconversations.
Let go of just assuming thatthey should do something or that
you should do something, or whoshould initiate what, but be
(30:59):
willing to have a conversationabout it and communicate about
it so that you can both get onthe same page of your manuals.
Right?
Make that invisible ink visibleby actually expressing what it
is that you want.
And yeah, it might be a littlebit uncomfortable in the
beginning because it's not whatyou're used to, right?
But be willing to lean into thatdiscomfort and ask those
questions.
(31:20):
It's gonna make it significantlymore likely that you can get
what it is that you want.
Okay, so here's another write-inas somebody wrote in talking
about basically kind of theemotional whiplash that they
were experiencing because theyreally wanted to be happy and
cheerful for the holiday, andthey were also super aggravated
with their siblings and thediscourse that was happening in
the group chat.
Now, this one is quite aninteresting one too, right?
(31:41):
Because there's multiple manualshappening and that's usually the
case.
So not only does this personhave the manual for themselves
that well, I should be happy andcheerful for the holiday, but
they also have in their manualthat, and my siblings should
play nice over the holidays.
Now, we don't know much aboutthese siblings.
We don't know how they engagethroughout the rest of the year,
but I want you to get curiousabout am I holding everybody to
(32:02):
a different standard simplybecause it's December.
Because so often that's exactlywhat we do.
We don't only have manuals forindividuals or for group
settings or for holidays, butthese manuals can change
depending on what time of theyear it is.
You might not care that yoursiblings are having a little
hissy fit in the group chat ifit's like in the middle of
March.
(32:23):
Right?
But you have it in your headthat because it's December,
things should be different.
I also want you to notice thatsomething is happening where
you're making your joy andcontentment conditional upon
your siblings showing up well,and that is very much forfeiting
your own happiness.
So notice that, that, hey, it'sokay for my siblings to be my
(32:46):
siblings.
I do not have to engage in theconversation.
I do not have to be thepeacemaker.
I don't have to solve theproblem.
And I can still find things tobe joyful about.
Okay.
Notice that there's a lot morethings going on that you can be
joyful about, even if yoursiblings aren't engaging in the
way that you would reallyprefer.
Okay?
Okay.
Here's another write in.
This person was experiencingwhat they called performance
(33:08):
pressure.
They were wanting to show up asbeing really festive and bright,
but they were also feelingpretty grinchy at the same time.
So this is kind of similar tothe previous one.
But they were just feelingreally overwhelmed with all of
the things happening for theholiday.
And oh my goodness, when I readthis, I was instantly taken back
to when all of my kids were inelementary school.
I have three kids and they werein three different grades, and I
(33:28):
remember the overwhelm of, oh mygoodness.
Now it's expected that I go tothree separate classroom
parties.
There's three separate Christmasconcerts.
There's all of the friendparties, neighborhood parties,
church parties, communityevents, it was all over the
place and I just felt sooverwhelmed.
And I really wish that young momme had had coaching at that
(33:49):
time.
Because what I really wish thatyoung mom me would've really
known is that, yeah, I get it.
There's so much going on.
I remember feeling that burnout.
I remember thinking, ah, I justwish that I had one free night,
and I'd point out to her that somany of these things are
optional.
I get it that you have so muchpressure on yourself to not only
participate in all of thoseevents.
(34:09):
But to also make sure that thekids make gingerbread houses, to
also take the kids sledding toalso, you know, we have this
list for ourselves in additionto everything else, and it's all
optional.
All of it is optional.
It's okay to decline aninvitation to a party.
It's okay to not show up atevery single event.
And I think it's also reallyhelpful in this scenario to
(34:32):
utilize the parts work, right?
So recognizing, okay, a reallybig part of me is so excited to
go to my child's kindergartenChristmas concert, and it's
their first one ever, and it'sso adorable, and about 90% of me
is really happy to be there.
The other 10% is also knowingthat, oh my goodness.
(34:53):
And as soon as we finish thatone, they're gonna clear the
room and then they're gonna dothe next grade, and then they'll
clear the room and do the nextgrade.
And I'm in this for the longhaul.
I'm going to be here for threeconcerts, and I'm not looking
forward to that part.
That's okay.
Okay.
Again, remember, you're human.
It's okay to have all thesedifferent emotions.
You do not have to be happy andpleasant 100% of the time.
(35:16):
It's okay to say no and remindyourself that this is a choice,
and right now I'm choosing this.
Simply reminding yourself thatyou have a choice in the matter
makes everything feel so muchmore doable.
We have this belief that, well,I should be able to be
everything for everybody 100% ofthe time, but it's okay to let
(35:36):
yourself be human.
Okay.
Now one other thing I reallywant you to think about is let's
just assume for a minute that,okay, I've identified what I
want, I've recognized what Ineed, I've communicated it, and
we're still not on the samepage.
Now, ideally, communication isgonna get everybody on the same
page in our manuals, right?
But if you're still not on thesame page, what do you do?
(35:57):
I communicated so much with mytechnology and I still couldn't
get back the full interview.
Maybe you find that you'recommunicating with a family
member, you're still not able toget on the same page about what
the holidays look like.
Life happens and things are outof our control.
Sometimes we think if I canidentify the manual, then I can
control everything.
now, if that were true, we wouldall be blissfully happy all the
(36:18):
time.
But because we all havedifferent manuals in our heads,
more often than not we're gonnahave to negotiate or we're gonna
have to learn how to navigatenegativity, emotion.
So practice that.
Practice allowing yourself tofeel negative emotions, to
recognize that, boy, I'm feelingso frustrated.
I'm feeling so frustrated rightnow that things aren't working
out in the way that I wanted to.
(36:38):
Now, for me, with this episode,yeah, I did have to take some
time to feel my feelings, andinitially when I saw that it did
not record, I sent a cryingemoji to Kellyn and said, oh my
gosh, I just wanna cry.
And of course when she saw that,she said, I know'cause it was so
good, right?
And I was like, no, it's becauseit's gone.
And I had to feel my feelings onit.
I had to take a night to sleepon it.
(36:59):
And as you are intentional aboutfeeling and processing your
emotions, that's when you cancome back the next day and say,
okay, and now what do I wannado?
Knowing some things are gonna beout of my control.
What can I do now?
And it puts you in the driver'sseat of your life.
When we have our manuals, theymake us wanna think that we do
not have a choice in the matter,but we do.
Remember you are choosing this.
(37:21):
Okay.
Now, just to kind of recap,first of all, notice what your
own manuals are and notice thatthey show up by, okay, well this
is the way things"should" be orthe way that things are
"supposed" to be.
Come to recognize your manuals.
And then number two, do notassume that everybody has the
same manual.
Communicate and over communicateto get on the same page.
Number three, figure out how tomake things measurable for you
(37:43):
that you are showing up well.
Number four, identify and makerequests for what it is that you
want.
And number five, if you'reunable to get on the same page,
practice that emotionalregulation.
Okay?
And it's okay, do you do this,this, and that?
Thinking that, okay, well thispercentage of me is really
feeling good about it and thispart of me is not feeling good
about it, and that's okay.
(38:04):
So just as a reminder, bothKellyn and I are filling up our
calendars for the new year.
So reach out if you'd likesupport.
If you have discovered listeningto this that, oh my goodness, I
have so many manuals and I wouldlike to feel more empowered in
my life.
Come and work with us.
You can find all of our contactinformation in the show notes.
You do not have to navigate thisalone.
Alright, well, I hope you have agreat holiday and let's talk
(38:26):
soon.
Bye now.
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