January 29, 2024 • 47 mins
In this episode, Matt & Jenn respond to a listener’s question about struggling to recover from an infrequent and unhealthy sexual relationship.
- Struggles with sex in a marriage must not be ignored. Intervention and difficult conversations can save YEARS of suffering and shame; even save the marriage itself.
- The fundamental criteria for a wife to want more sex or different sex, is that the wife must have the expectation of sex worth having.
- The conflict of sexual frequency and/or sexual variety requires an ongoing conversation and a commitment from each to have as much connecting sex as necessary to promote oneness in the relationship.
ALSO, please vote on social media or by email to rename our Daily Check-In Exercise. Here's the finalists:
- Covenant Conversations
- Connection Point
- Quickie Connection
ANNOUNCING: Tampa Marriage Day, March 2
register here: https://intimatecovenant.com/tampa
Please support these companies that support Intimate Covenant:
- Married Dance — https://marrieddance.com/?aff=29
Shop from this link and part of your purchase will support Intimate Covenant. - Coconu — http://www.coconu.com
Coupon Code: intimateconvenant for 15% off your purchase - Adventure Challenge — https://www.theadventurechallenge.com
Use coupon code: intimatecovenant for 10% off your purchase.
To send your comments, questions and suggestions, go to our website: www.intimatecovenant.com/podcast and click on the button: “Contact the Podcast” for an ANONYMOUS submission form. Or, send an email: podcast@intimatecovenant.com
Thanks for sharing, rating, reviewing and subscribing!
Cherishing,
Matt & Jenn
PS — If you have been blessed by the message of this podcast, we would deeply appreciate your support by donating to our mission of spreading God’s plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality.
Join us at Patreon: www.patreon.com/intimatecovenant
Consider a one-time gift: www.intimatecovenant.com/donate
www.intimatecovenant.com
Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, jen wanna talk about recovering from a sexless
marriage.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
This topic is dead.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Great.
Today we're gonna respond to alistener's question about
struggling to recover from aninfrequent and unhealthy sexual
relationship.
Let's do it.
Welcome to the IntimateCovenant podcast, where we
(00:31):
believe the Bible and GreatMarried Sex both belong on your
kitchen table.
That's right.
We're talking about holycovenant-bound intimate
relationships with hot sex.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
We're Matt and Jen, founders of Intimate Covenant.
We offer biblical teaching andresources to help married
couples achieve a fullerrelationship and an
extraordinary sex life.
For more information, visit ourwebsite, IntimateCovenantcom.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Welcome, friends.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Welcome.
Thanks for joining us on theIntimate Covenant podcast.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Here we are again, and we're gonna be talking about
sexless marriage.
But before we get to that, wehad a couple of important
announcements.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Yes, this announcement is very important.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
I mean crucial.
So if you've been followingalong the last couple of
episodes, we have been trying tocome up with a creative name
for our daily check-in exercise.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Yes, we covered daily check-in.
We've mentioned it multipletimes in the podcast and at
every live event we've ever done.
We did a whole episode aboutdaily check-in a couple episodes
back, but we've said over andover we hate the name daily
check-in.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
That's just kind of what it came to be called, but
we certainly think that there'ssomething more creative out
there.
We just were stuck on what tocall it.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
And you guys are creative.
We heard a lot of you.
Thank you so much to everybodywho took the time to think up a
name and send it into us.
We love that.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Yes, thank you.
We appreciate all the input andfor all the encouragement that
you also have passed along indoing so.
So we have three finalists.
Yeah, we're narrowing it downfor you we couldn't really
decide on just one of these, ofthe dozens, literally, of
suggestions that we got.
We've narrowed it down to threeand we want your input on what
(02:26):
you think the best name is.
You're going to have a coupleways to vote, so we're going to
probably put up some socialmedia polls next week or so.
So certainly vote on the socialmedia polls.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
If you're not following us on social media,
you can find us at IntimateCovenant on Instagram and
Facebook.
We're there, we're there both.
We have a dig, but we're there.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
Vote on the social media polls or just send us an
email and let us know which nameyou think works best, and we
would certainly love to hearfrom you.
We're going to decide on this.
Hopefully, by our next episodeWe'll have a big launch, a
relaunch, the reveal of the name.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
It'll be so exciting.
What email address do?
Speaker 1 (03:06):
they send out.
Send it to podcast atintimatecovenantcom.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
There you go.
Okay, so the top three.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Top three.
Do we have a drum roll?
I don't.
I need to program that.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
I mean it would be so much more exciting.
But here we go.
Top three CovenantConversations Nice, I like it.
Uses a little bit of our name,gets the idea across Great, okay
, second, one Connection PointAlso good.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
I like it.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Yeah, really focusing on the connection that could be
happening in the in this dailycheck-in conversation, all right
, and then the last one littlebit of a quirk to it is Quickie
Connection.
It's a kind of fun littlelayoff.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
I just I love that too.
All of this, all three of theseare great you could say hey,
honey, you want to, let's.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
It's time for our Quickie.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Time for our daily Quickie, little wink, little
little nod.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Okay, those are our top three Covenant Conversations
Connection Point and QuickieConnection.
So which one could you seeyourself saying, you know, to
your spouse, reminding oneanother, hey, it's time for for
that conversation, dailyconversation, that we're going
to have to better connect us toone another.
What do you think?
Speaker 1 (04:24):
Love.
It All right, so vote on vote.
Send us your email.
Vote on social media.
We'd love to hear from you andand want to.
We want to know what you thinkand let's, let's, get something
that works for everybody.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
That's right, all right.
The other big announcement wehave is we are coming to Tampa
again.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
There we go, tampa, tampa Marriage Day.
We will be there March 2nd.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Yeah, Saturday March 2nd.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
Second, all day from nine to four.
We are going to be talkingabout redeeming your intimate
covenant.
This is one, one of ourfavorite topics, one of our
favorite themes Good material.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
We've never presented this material at Tampa, so if
you've come to our previousTampa Marriage Days, this will
be all new material, new stuff.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
We would love to see you there If you're in Tampa or
the surrounding area.
You can find some more detailsand registration at intimate
covenantcom.
Slash Tampa fitting in.
We hope you can join us.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
All right, okay, so getting into today's episode,
nat.
Today's episode is in responseto a recent email question.
It's from an anonymous wife.
Just some details about her.
It seems like she's in her late20s and she's been married for
a little more than five years.
(05:42):
So little context there.
So here was her email question.
Hello, I've been listening for awhile and your podcast has been
helpful to me to redefinemarriage and see it in the way
God wants us to Thank you foryour hard work and sacrifices to
make this happen.
I'm writing in because I feel alittle stuck in the way of
(06:02):
progress at the moment.
Since the beginning of ourmarriage, we have struggled to
have sex consistently and on aregular basis.
Some years we have probably hadit less than once per month,
but lately we have been workingon improving that.
Recently my husband made acomment out of frustration that
I am so picky.
(06:23):
This hurts because I have beenreally trying hard to be open to
doing things his way, and whenI tell him there is something I
can't do, I tell him that aftera lot of thought.
I know women are different thanmen when it comes to sex, but
I'm afraid that I could use thatas an excuse.
How do I know if I am being toopicky and creating problems?
Speaker 1 (06:50):
First of all, let's just back up and say we
appreciate her willingness tolook in the mirror and try to
assess her role in the dynamicin the relationship that has led
to this unhealthy andinfrequent sexual relationship.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yeah, it's so easy to point our fingers at our spouse
and to lay blame on them andthere probably is blame on her
husband's part but I soappreciate the fact that she is
coming at this from thestandpoint of I don't want to go
there.
Just how do I help fix this?
(07:27):
How do I fix my part of this?
She's expressing that recentlythey together have been trying
to improve it, and so it seemslike that has really caused her
to do a lot of introspection andtrying hard to figure out what
part she plays.
So I just really appreciate herwillingness and their
(07:48):
willingness.
That is the essence of keepstriving, don't settle
Absolutely.
Well done to this emailer.
You're on the right track.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Yes, as long as you both are interested in trying to
make it better and genuinelywant what is best for each other
, then there is always real,substantial hope for your
relationship moving forward.
We've been married for five orsix years, and so you certainly
have a lifetime left, really.
(08:17):
I mean, look at us, we've beenmarried for 26 years, so you got
a lot more time left to getthis right and to struggle with
each other in this process.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
So who knows who you need.
I have to wonder what would ouremail like this be at our five,
six year market, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
I mean, all sounded very similar, so anybody who has
been married for any length oftime has had periods and stages
in your marriage where you'restruggling, whether it's with
sex or with anything else.
So thank you for writing in,thank you for listening.
You know that, of course, alsois a huge compliment to us, and
thank you for trusting us withthis question.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Right.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
So, speaking of trying to improve, yes.
I want to ask everyone outthere did you reach your
financial goals this past year?
Speaker 2 (09:06):
Well, we're segueing into a little plug for our
sponsor here, that's just aquick aside.
Your financial goals.
Are you afraid that next yearwill look a lot like last year?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Or maybe you're, maybe you're feeling hopeful for
the new year, but you justdon't have a solid plan to
really make your family'sfinancial goals happen.
Does your financial future feeluncertain?
Does it feel scary?
Well, obviously, if you've beenlistening for any period of
time, you know that there is alot that we want you to know.
Our friend Derek Finley at OpenDoor Financial Advisors Derek
(09:42):
can help you, regardless ofwhere your situation is.
If you have $5 million or youhave $5 in your bank account,
derek Finley wants to help yousolidify your financial future.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
The best thing.
I mean, you just made me thinkabout this, matt.
Derek is like a no judgmentkind of guy and I love that.
So often, I mean, we ask allthese questions that were all
emotion based, because money andfinances are so deeply
ingrained with, for so many ofus, emotions, and Derek is so so
(10:17):
a lot of us are ashamed orafraid to confront really.
But Derek is not going to judgeyou, derek is not going to get
on to you.
He's just there to help.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
He's so awesome at that.
He just wants what's best foryou and he's going to educate
you as well as give you solidexpert advice that fits your
individual circumstance.
It's not a cookie cutterapproach.
Obviously, he's going to do agood job for you, so find Derek
opendoorfacom where financesmeet faith and family.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
All right Now to the main point of this episode.
But let's first start by makingan important point that's kind
of a sub point of this fullepisode, and that is early
struggles with sex andrelationship should not be
ignored.
We enter into marriage so manyof us thinking sex should just
(11:15):
be natural, it should justhappen and that's what we're
supposed to be doing, gotapproved.
Nobody ever talks about it, sosurely it'll just all work out,
and it often, most of the time,doesn't.
But for some of us then there'sso much shame that gets
attached to those earlystruggles and it's real easy to
(11:36):
just ignore that.
Maybe you don't know who totalk to, where to turn, how to
get help, but when you ignorethose early struggles with sex
and relationship it can veryquickly devolve into something
that is very toxic.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
Oh yeah, I mean.
This email is a perfect point.
She admits that they hadstruggles from the beginning in
their relationship and thatdevolved into a relationship
where they're having sex lessthan once per month for years.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
And they've only been married for a little over five
years.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
So that really speaks to the point that these issues
quickly get out of hand.
And the problem is and this isSatan's game here that a lot of
times it's shame, from whereverthat may be coming from.
Shame initiates that devolve, itinitiates the conflict, it
(12:33):
initiates the apprehension, butthen it's shame that wants us to
just try to ignore it, continueto ignore it, continue to let
it devolve, let it just festerwithout addressing it, without
looking at it.
You know face to face, and soyou know, some important
conversations early in theirmarriage, maybe even before they
(12:55):
were married, some importantconversations could have saved
years, literally in this case,years of pain, frustration and
the heaping on of this needlessshame.
So again, not the main point ofthis episode, but I think it is
an important point that isworth reiterating, especially
for those of you that may bestill young in your marriage,
(13:18):
that if there are issues, ifthere is conflict, if there is a
devolving of your relationship,then that needs to be addressed
early, yes, early do not thinkthat this, that somehow you'll
just magically figure this outwithout any conversation,
without any hard work, andyou've got to address that right
(13:39):
, right.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
So the details of why they struggled with sex in
their early marriage areprobably important to best
understand their currentconflict and then her internal
turmoil.
And obviously we don't have allof those details.
You know, the questions to askis is there a place where there
has been past betrayal withintheir marriage?
(14:02):
Are there other prior traumasthat have happened to one or
both of them, you know?
Are there other sources ofsexual shame?
Speaker 1 (14:09):
yeah, there's a lot of reasons why this could be
going on and obviously we, likeyou said, we don't have all of
those details.
But I think we can make somesafe assumptions and I'll admit
these are assumptions to a greatextent.
But we can make someassumptions about their
relationship and I want to beclear that the assumptions that
we make about their relationshipare not that we're casting
(14:32):
blame.
It's just the likely reality oftheir relationship dynamic and
it got that way for probablygood reasons.
They each probably have goodreasons for why they're acting
and reacting the way that theyare.
I doubt very seriously thatthey are reacting the way that
they're reacting because theyjust purely want to make each
(14:54):
other miserable, right, you know.
So that's an assumption thatwe're making, of course, but I
think that's a safe assumptionand we want to help them in in
doing this.
We want to help them reframethe dynamic.
We want to see where they areand then reframe that dynamic
and help them consider thatmaybe there are some different
(15:15):
strategies right to try toaddress this ongoing conflict
that's in their marriage.
So I think one of the importantassumptions that has to be
acknowledged is that his sexualinitiation strategies are feel
are pressuring to her.
They feel pressuring right toher.
(15:36):
Now, again, maybe they shouldfeel pressuring because maybe
she needs to feel a little bitof tension in order to help her
grow a little bit.
Maybe, that said, histechniques or his ways of
expressing his needs perhapscould use some refinement right
to help her feel more secure.
So we're going to talk aboutthat right.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
It seems also that she controls the sexual
frequency and variety based onher own narrow comfort level,
which she probably resents.
I mean, so many respondersresent being the gatekeeper and
yet that is the position thatthey hold, that they are the
(16:17):
ones controlling.
You know what doesn't doesn'thappen and when it doesn't
doesn't happen, and you know itsounds like she is admitted to.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
I have a narrow comfort level and therefore what
we do has to fit right withinmy comfort level yeah, there's
that term picky, and we're gonnaprobably talk about that a
little bit more later, but thatthat's it.
So you know.
Again, there is her.
She is the gatekeeper.
She may appreciate that on somelevel, but on another level she
(16:49):
resents that right sounds likeand that's like that's where her
internal dialogue is occurring.
Am I?
Am I being too picky?
Am I causing or creating thisproblem?
Speaker 2 (16:59):
right.
And so then it seems likethere's frustration on his part.
He's feeling rejected, yeah,due to her narrow boundaries,
and that might just be hisperception.
She may not be actively tryingto reject him, but that hit her
narrow comfort level, feels likea rejection to him, which is
(17:20):
causing, then build up, afrustration and maybe even then
a build up of you know what,never mind, I don't even want it
.
Yeah, you know, a retreating onhis part.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
That might be how he handles that feeling of
rejection and and obviously sheis in a place of needing to and
wanting to reassess herboundaries yeah, I think it's
safe to assume that from fromthis email that she wants to
know, should I be rethinkingwhere I'm drawing some of my
lines and where or why am Icomfortable or uncomfortable in
(17:54):
certain circumstances?
right so I guess let me firstsay, does any of this sound
familiar?
I mean, this is these kinds ofthis circumstance, these
relational dynamics, are common,maybe ubiquitous, among married
couples.
This is the challenge.
This is where you, when you puttwo people together who will
(18:16):
inevitably have different levelsand degrees of comfortability
with sex and different levels ofdesire for either frequency or
variety of sex, there's going tobe this place of conflict.
So I think that what we?
We're not here just to try tosolve their problems, because I
(18:37):
think, when we look at thisparticular set of circumstances,
this is applicable to, I think,every marriage absolutely.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
And again, I think if we were to have been the ones
writing the email in our fifthsix year of marriage, there
would have been a lot of commonelements well, absolutely you
know maybe we say that to say toall of you who feel some
connection to this there's somuch hope, you know there's.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
There's a lot to be gained so I think, because this
is such a ubiquitous problem,one one place where we could
start with this is, I think, forevery marriage, for every
pursuer responder dynamic, thereis a fundamental truth that
must be true in yourrelationship if we're going to
(19:29):
begin to get momentum out ofthis pressure and withdraw our
kind of scenario.
Because I think, regardless ofwhat the underlying problems are
in the relationship, whateverthe specific details of the
relationship are, thefundamental criteria for a wife
to want to have more sex or fora wife to want to have different
(19:52):
sex is that the wife must havethe expectation that there is
going to be sex worth having.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Yes, yes.
If that sex, if the sex beingoffered, is not pleasurable, if
it's not emotionally satisfying,then it's going to be hard to
want to have sex.
That sex has to be somethingthat she wants.
(20:21):
But she has to first start bywanting to have sex.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
It's nearly impossible to be motivated
towards something that has verylittle benefit to you.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
Right If she's not feeling motivated again because
it's not pleasurable, it's notemotionally satisfying, it's not
free of shame.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
Or perhaps it is causing pain, or maybe not just
that it's not all that fun it'slike doing your homework but
maybe it actually is causingmore pain and suffering, whether
that's emotional or physical orspiritual pain.
If it's a source of pain, thenthere's going to be very little
motivation, maybe no motivation.
(21:01):
Perhaps the only motivation ofthe sex that they're having is
actually to motivate her awayfrom sex.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Right Right.
In order for her to want tohave sex, she must be having sex
worth having, which means sheneeds to feel emotionally,
spiritually and physically safewithin their sexual union.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
Absolutely.
The sex that they're havingmust be mutually pleasurable,
both emotionally and physicallypleasurable.
For the wife to be motivatedtowards that kind of sex, the
sex that they have thenultimately must leave her
feeling more closely bonded tothe relationship.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
If those things aren't happening, then you're
going to be spinning your wheels, so to speak, in terms of
trying to get yourself or yourspouse to be drawn towards doing
it more or doing it differently.
Speaker 2 (21:55):
Right.
Just putting your bodiestogether more frequently will
not solve this problem.
It is not just a matter ofwhite-knuckling yourself into
having more sex.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Yes, I've certainly seen or heard advice or read
advice from books, that if youjust have more sex, then that
will help to resolve some of therelational problems.
I don't think that's true.
If you keep having bad sex,it's going to make the problem
worse, not better.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
Right, right.
Both spouses haveresponsibility to meet these
criteria.
To meet that criteria of havingemotionally, spiritually,
physically safe sex, pleasurablesex, emotionally and physically
, and sex that leaves youfeeling closely bonded to one
another, that has to be on thepart of both of them.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
I think that's an important point, because when we
say that she must beemotionally and spiritually and
physically safe, people willhear that and think, well,
that's all on the husband,that's the husband's fault.
And so she's going to come backfrom reading or hearing our
response and say, well, yeah, Iwas right, it is my husband's
fault.
That's not what we're saying.
When I say that the sex must bemutually pleasurable, then what
(23:10):
people hear is, oh, thehusband's doing a bad job, he
should do more foreplay and thatwill fix this problem.
That's not necessarily true,because if she doesn't want to
be there, then no matter what hedoes, she's not going to be
able to enjoy it.
This is on both of them toco-create I think that's an
important term here.
Underline that in yourtranscripts.
(23:31):
Co-create they must both beengaged and invested in
co-creating a sexual experiencethat will be mutually
pleasurable, that will bemutually emotionally bonding.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
Right, right, I think .
More on the mutualresponsibility in a minute, but
first I want to unpack aparticular phrase that she
mentioned in her email.
It says recently my husbandmade a comment out of
frustration that I am so picky.
This hurts because I've beentrying really hard to be open to
(24:05):
doing things his way.
When I tell him there issomething I can't do, I tell him
that after a lot of thought.
I know women are different thanmen when it comes to sex, but
I'm afraid that I could use thatas an excuse.
How do I know if I am being toopicky and creating problems?
I want to unpack that idea oftoo picky Her words.
(24:29):
Her husband has described heras being too picky.
What does that mean to be toopicky?
Speaker 1 (24:37):
Is it true?
Right, I think that maybe thatis true.
Sometimes the question revealsthe answer in a lot of these
cases, a lot of times what wefind in our experience when we
talk to couples.
But what does that mean?
To be too picky?
I think that is a good question, is it true?
(24:58):
I don't know that we can answerthat, because clearly we don't
have enough details to answerthat.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Right.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
I do want to maybe go follow this conversation a
little bit further and help hermaybe answer this question for
herself.
Maybe, just as importantly, youas a listener also need to go
down this road.
Am I being too picky in some ofthese situations?
Speaker 2 (25:20):
I think, in order to try and flesh out what does that
mean to be too picky?
What really is behind that isthat she's saying no to
something.
That's where he's deeming thisas a place that she is too picky
.
The question to ask is what'sthe reason for saying no?
(25:42):
Maybe some possible answers?
Again, we don't know her, wedon't know you, but we want you
to dig into.
Why do I say no to something?
Here's some places where itcould possibly be coming from.
Are you saying no because ofspiritual shame, whether that's
appropriate or not?
Is your no coming from a placeof your own poor body image and
(26:06):
you just can't put yourself inthat vulnerable of a position
because of how you feel aboutyour actual body?
Does that act leave you feelingtoo vulnerable, too exposed?
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Why is that?
Is it because of your owninternal past and maybe past
traumas?
Or because the way that yourhusband treats you do you feel
too vulnerable to revealyourself to your husband?
Speaker 2 (26:34):
At all, sexually let alone in one particular act?
is there physical pain involvedin what it is that's being asked
of you, or do you just ingeneral have physical pain with
a lot of sexual acts that you'venever dug into, never been
willing to really figure thatout?
I think a lot of reasons why awoman feels an initial sense of
(27:00):
no Towards a husband's requestis oftentimes there is a
suspicion of his motives.
What I did, I wouldn't havethought that up.
So where did he get that idea?
Where has he seen this beforeInteresting?
Has he wanted to do this, youknow?
So just trying to figure outhis motives, sure Is it that you
(27:22):
feel emotionally detached inall of your marriage, in all of
your relationship, and becausethere's not a strong emotional
attachment to one another,you're unable to then kind of
get outside your comfort zonewhen it comes to a physical act
or Position or whatever it maybe, you know, is there maybe a
(27:45):
fear of not being Adequate?
so when it's something you'venever done before, you can
definitely feel a sense of I'mnot gonna do that right?
Do you think there's a rightway to do that?
Speaker 1 (27:58):
and I'm Inexperienced , I won't know the right way to
do that and I will leave himfeeling Disappointed sure and so
I don't think I'm enough to beable to do that I think a lot of
folks struggle withinsecurities on various levels
and for various reasons, butsome of us are just naturally
feel more insecure with theunknown, and so Well, and that
(28:20):
can be, it just a fear of theunknown, and we naturally revert
to know Simply because it'sunknown.
Yes, right that have a wholepodcast all by myself.
About that sometimes.
That, yeah, I mean that forsome of us, the unknown is a
place for adventure and thatsounds fun.
For others, if it's unknown,that's like the default is no.
(28:43):
If I don't know, if I can'tpredict the outcome, the answer
is no.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
So you yourself have to lean into why am I saying no,
you know, and only she cananswer that question, and that
answer is probably layered.
It's probably not.
Oh, yes, that's the one answer.
It's probably layered withcomplexities and it's gonna be
tied into the generalrelationship dynamic.
(29:11):
Absolutely this is not just asex problem.
Speaker 1 (29:13):
This is all about the relationship and I think that's
one important point here.
This is not a sex problem.
There's no such thing asdealing with just a sexual
problem in your relationship,because it bleeds over and it is
influenced by All of thecomplexities of your relational
dynamic.
How are the two of youcommunicating together?
Are you communicating?
(29:33):
Do you have an opencommunication in your
relationship, or is there thisoverwhelming sense of pressure
or fear, or dominance, oravoidance?
Speaker 2 (29:43):
You know all those different factors that play in
and so that kind of leads intothis next you know place that I
would push into is just, isthere conversation, right?
So she says, you know, when heasked for something, I tell him
there is something I can't do.
I tell him that after a lot ofthought and If I was in that
(30:07):
same room with this wife I'dwrap my arms around her and give
her a great big old hug and saythat's not a good enough,
because what you're saying to mein that sentence is that was
all a decision you made insideyour own head.
I tell them after a lot ofthought, meaning you didn't
involve him in a conversationabout this.
So does she just get toconsider it and act or reject on
(30:33):
the invitation based on her ownSelf-determined criteria and
preferences?
If so, you're not building arelationship, yeah, you're just
making your own decisions.
That does not mean that there'snot a valid reason to say no,
not right now.
That particular act I'm notcomfortable with.
(30:54):
However, you should only bereaching that conclusion after
some conversation together.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
Yeah, I agree with you.
I mean what I'm hearing and,again, this may not be actually
what's happening in arelationship.
We are not sitting on the couchbeside them, we're probably
over simplifying this a littlebit, but again, I think, for the
sake of the conversation thatwe're having here is, what I'm
hearing is that he's proposingsomething like hey, babe, we
should try xyz and his method ofproposal and she's like well, I
(31:25):
got it, I got to think aboutthis, I don't know, and she's
hearing this even outside,probably, of the context of the
bedroom, so there's not even any, you know, sexual energy to
help kind of formulate this.
She's hearing this out ofcontext.
Then she's making a decisionafter a lot of thought, which I
think is we appreciate thatshe's the bowl she isn't just
(31:47):
react, just reacting with no one, then never thinking about it
again.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
Sure, maybe it's not, it Maybe it's not an immediate
no.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
She's willing to least consider it, but then
she's like well, I thought aboutit.
No, I don't think this is forme.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
Rather than I think what we're proposing is, there
needs to be a conversation right, because what you want to know
is that, to every decision thatyou make as a couple in regards
to your sexual Relationship,that that is a we decision.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
Mm-hmm, it has to be that, so his voice matters and
this is what, this is what wemean by co-creating.
It's not just like, okay, youget, you get a vote, and I get a
vote, and then, because I saidno, then that the end of
discussion, you know.
Speaker 2 (32:31):
Move on to the next Agenda item so the question to
ask her is you know, have youreally thought about it from his
standpoint, and is he able orwilling to explain his desires?
Maybe he Isn't willing.
Maybe he's just proposing anact in the moment, but isn't
actually wanting to have aconversation about it.
(32:51):
If so, that's a place to topush back a little bit.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
This needs to be a conversation, so he must be
willing to explain what's behindhis design if you can't explain
why, then it's just notimportant enough for
conversation, probably, and heshouldn't be getting his
feelings hurt if it's if hecan't explain why this would be
important to him.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
But also, is she willing or able to hear his
express, to express his desire?
So has he?
You know, has there beenrejection on on in any level of
the conversation, part of this?
And if so, that's a place thatneeds some mending.
And you know, as you were goingthrough that little scenario, a
(33:34):
kind of threw it out therethere.
But how's he presenting thisproposition?
Right, it's, the timing mattersgreatly.
If she is a classic responder,then most likely she does not
necessarily want the very firsttime she's ever heard about this
to be 30 seconds before hewants her to do this.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
Right.
Speaker 2 (33:57):
That said, you did bring up like okay, but
sometimes it's good to presentit in a moment where there is
some anticipation, some arousalalready built up.
We're way more likely to sayyes when we're already in a
place of arousal.
So that means what multipleconversations should be had you
(34:20):
need to be having theconversations completely outside
, where you're defining whatisn't isn't okay right now and
that can always change.
Be willing to change, obviouslywithin the realms of what God
has said yes to.
Speaker 1 (34:35):
Right.
Speaker 2 (34:36):
So you need to have those conversations at, you know
, date night, but then you alsoneed to be open to conversing
even in those moments.
But it's lots and lots ofconversations, it's not just one
.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
And I would just add you know how he handles that
rejection will say a lot aboutwhat his motives are.
How he handles that rejectionwill say a lot about whether
she's even willing to considerit in an objective way.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
Right.
Is he looking for connection oris he looking just to check the
next you know hot new thing offof his list?
Speaker 1 (35:10):
Yeah, and really, I think you know in a big part of
what we're saying is that thisthe conflict about sexual
frequency, the conflicts aboutsexual variety absolutely are
going to require an ongoingconversation between the two of
them and it also requires acommitment from each of them to
(35:31):
have as much connecting sex thatis sex worth having.
It's going to require thatcommitment from each of them to
have as much connecting sex asnecessary to continue to promote
the oneness that is required inthe relationship.
Speaker 2 (35:47):
Right.
And so she, you know, in heremail, tells us that almost from
the very beginning, sherecognizes they've not been
having enough sex and she sayssometimes, you know, as little
as once a month.
Well, you know, people alwayswant to know how much sex should
we have?
How are we normal, which weactually did a podcast episode I
(36:08):
think it's episode 50 rightaround there Are we normal?
But that's the question we allhave how much sex should we be
having?
Well, we're here to tell youthat, according to the experts
who study marriage relationships, once a month is not enough.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
Yeah, in fact, once a month would be determined as a
sexless marriage, and you think?
Speaker 2 (36:29):
that we're having sex .
It's not that it's never there,but once a month is actually
falls within the realms thatexperts call sexless, because
once a month is not connectingsex, correct.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
Correct.
So this conversation requiresthat each of you must be able
and have the opportunity toexpress their feelings.
So not only do you need to havethe opportunity, but you also
need to be willing and eager toexpress your feelings, your
honest, transparent, vulnerable,true feelings about what this
(37:10):
relationship looks like to you.
Speaker 2 (37:12):
But then I think the other part of that is being
willing to hear and sit in yourspouse's perspective.
That takes a lot.
For some of us it takes a lotto just start explaining why we
feel the way we feel, digginginto that, but it's a whole
another ball game when we reallyforce ourselves to sit in the
(37:34):
perspective of my spouse.
Speaker 1 (37:37):
Yeah, this conversation is not a
competition about whose feelingsare more valid.
This is a conversation abouttrying to understand my spouse's
feelings.
So that means I'm going toexpress my feelings in an honest
and transparent way, but I'malso going to stop and sit and
really dig deep to try tounderstand what my spouse is
(37:59):
feeling in this moment.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
And within that, I think that the heart of that mat
is service to one another, andeach of you need to be committed
to serving the other.
So where does this start forthis couple that wrote in?
Well, it starts by recommittingyourselves to service to one
another.
That's where it all begins.
(38:21):
It is not that I'm here to getmy way and be happy.
It is that I am here to serveyou, my beloved.
Speaker 1 (38:29):
Absolutely, and they each must be willing to hold
their spouse accountable and tobe held accountable Whatever it
is that is harmful behavior inthis relationship, whether I'm
the one who's perpetuating that,whether my spouse is the one
that's perpetuating that.
We each need to be willing tosay look, sometimes I don't see
what I'm doing and I need you tohold me accountable when I'm
(38:52):
approaching this in an unhealthyway.
Right, and then be willing tobe honest with myself.
When I'm doing this, then Ineed to back up and behave in a
way that's going to be moreproductive and more beneficial
to the relationship.
Speaker 2 (39:06):
Right, and you know, sex is hard work, and so it
could be that this couple hasjust settled into this place of
it's too hard, and they both arechoosing to not have the
uncomfortable conversations,even moments, of choosing sex,
and so you need to start holdingeach other accountable towards
(39:29):
even the amount of sex thatyou're having.
You know, this isn't abouttrying harder to do things his
way or for her to not be picky.
It's an ongoing conversationabout co-creating a sexual
relationship that is beneficialfor both of you.
(39:49):
This is a we problem.
Speaker 1 (39:50):
Right, it's not about yeah, it's not about doing
things his way or doing thingsmy way.
It's about doing things our wayand finding out what works best
for our relationship.
And I think along those lines,and maybe where this gets a
little bit more practical andhits a little bit, maybe closer
to home for this wife, is thatthere are some important
(40:12):
questions that she needs to beable to answer in order to have
this conversation.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
Yes, and, and, frankly, every wife needs to
challenge herself to answerthese questions, and that is can
I describe a sexual encounterthat would be worth having?
So, for her, what is her idealscenario?
It is so we're not just talkingabout an act.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
We're talking about the entire sexual encounter.
Speaker 2 (40:39):
And what does the relationship feel like?
That in order to lead me intothat sexual encounter?
It is so easy for women to justnot think about sex, but if, if
you want to fix this, it beginsin your own mind, and that is
making yourself be vulnerableenough to think about sex.
(41:00):
So you have to start wanting tohave sex.
So what would it look like?
What is your ideal scenario?
And then, is there some roomfor expansion?
Within that scenario, whatwould be required for you to
begin to feel comfortable withexpanding your boundaries?
(41:20):
Now, obviously, there areboundaries put firmly in place
by God, and that is the two ofyou, no third parties, and
you're better in your head.
We like to say you know it issex that is not painful
emotionally or physically, it is.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
you know all about sex that's mutually, mutually
pleasurable and connecting.
Those are the hard and fast.
You know, those are theboundaries.
Speaker 2 (41:43):
But we're not asking her to expand outside of those
boundaries, but within those.
There's a great big old box ofwhat we can do together as a
couple within the boundaries Godhas put in place.
Our challenge to all of us ishow do we expand that Just a
little bit more?
(42:04):
How do you get outside yourcomfort zone when, especially,
you have a spouse that has abigger comfort zone than you?
How do you serve your spouse inthat way?
So what would be required foryou to feel comfortable?
Expanding your boundaries?
Speaker 1 (42:19):
and I'm guessing that what will make her feel more
comfortable in her sexuality hasvery little to do with what's
going to happen in the bedroom,but this is probably going to be
something that will occur intheir relational dynamic in
general and maybe even herunderstanding of sex?
Speaker 2 (42:37):
has she grown up with a very ultra conservative
mindset from the standpoint ofshe thinks that there is just
specific acts we would I mean,we've had a million episodes
sure, sure the challenge, thatthought.
But you know, ask, ask yourself,as a wife, what is required of
(42:58):
my husband and what is it that Iwant from my husband, and can I
Express this in a way thatmotivates him versus Rejecting
him?
That's a huge, huge point.
Yeah, you never want to expresswhat it is You're asking your
spouse to do in a way thatRejects, in a way that harms.
(43:19):
How about we look at this as ina way that motivates?
Speaker 1 (43:23):
Yes, right, right.
And then I think she's got toask some questions of herself.
What's going to be required ofme in order to be able to Be
more comfortable, to find morepleasure in our sexual
relationship?
What's going to be required ofme to Maybe think about
expanding my narrow boundaries?
Is she going to be willing todo what it takes to lean into
(43:48):
that vulnerability, to lean intothat fear, and find some ways
to expand their relationship Ina way that is still mutually
beneficial To both of them?
Speaker 2 (44:01):
and asking all these questions may bring up more
questions.
Speaker 1 (44:05):
Yes, it will.
Speaker 2 (44:07):
Don't be afraid of that, but just also recognize
that if there are big blockshere, then therapy might be very
helpful, whether that'sindividual therapy and or
couples therapy, and we wouldencourage that.
If this is a place where thetwo of you one or both of you
have big blocks Against having ahealthy relation, that is
(44:29):
preventing you or having ahealthy yes.
Speaker 1 (44:31):
Of course, these conversations just kind of end
up going in circles, uh-huh.
That's where a good therapistcan help see where those blocks
are in your In you personallyand in the relationship and can
help you work through thoseblocks to get to a place where
your Conversation can progressand therefore your growth and
your relationship can progressright.
Speaker 2 (44:53):
All right, I think we answered her question.
Let us know if you have morethoughts about it, but for now,
matt, give us our wrap up.
Speaker 1 (45:01):
Struggles with sex in a marriage must not be ignored.
Intervention and difficultconversations can save literally
years of suffering and shameand even save the marriage
itself.
The fundamental criteria for awife to want more sex or to want
different sex is that the wifemust have the expectation of sex
(45:23):
worth having.
And finally, the conflict ofsexual frequency and or sexual
variety Requires an ongoingconversation and a commitment
from each to have as muchConnecting sex as necessary to
promote oneness in therelationship.
Speaker 2 (45:41):
Now it's time to grab yours Vals in your Bible and
head to your kitchen table tohave the conversation about
Co-creating your sexualrelationship.
What are you going to do tohave sex that is worth having?
Speaker 1 (45:55):
We'd love to hear your feedback.
Certainly there is somethingthat we left undone with this
episode and we would love tohear what you think about it and
how we could express and how wecould cover this topic Maybe
more thoroughly.
Contact us by emailing thepodcast at podcast at intimate
covenant comm, or go to thewebsite intimate covenant comm
slash podcast and you will finda form to submit an anonymous
(46:18):
feedback submission.
Thanks again to Derek and opendoor financial advisors for
sponsoring the podcast.
Contact open door atOpendoorfacom where finances
meet faith and family.
Speaker 2 (46:31):
Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing,
rating and sharing the podcast.
Were truly humbled by yourencouragement and your support.
Thanks especially to ourpatreon subscribers for coming
alongside us in a very real way.
We love you.
If you would like to joinintimate covenant by supporting
the podcast and our greatermission to share God's plan For
(46:53):
intimate marriage and holysexuality, subscribe at
patreoncom.
Slash intimate covenant anddon't forget, go vote on our
poll for the daily check in name.
Speaker 1 (47:05):
Love it until next time.
Keep striving and don't settle.
Hey, jen wanna talk about recovering from a sexless
marriage.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
This topic is dead.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Great.
Today we're gonna respond to alistener's question about
struggling to recover from aninfrequent and unhealthy sexual
relationship.
Let's do it.
Welcome to the IntimateCovenant podcast, where we
(00:31):
believe the Bible and GreatMarried Sex both belong on your
kitchen table.
That's right.
We're talking about holycovenant-bound intimate
relationships with hot sex.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
We're Matt and Jen, founders of Intimate Covenant.
We offer biblical teaching andresources to help married
couples achieve a fullerrelationship and an
extraordinary sex life.
For more information, visit ourwebsite, IntimateCovenantcom.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Welcome, friends.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Welcome.
Thanks for joining us on theIntimate Covenant podcast.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Here we are again, and we're gonna be talking about
sexless marriage.
But before we get to that, wehad a couple of important
announcements.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Yes, this announcement is very important.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
I mean crucial.
So if you've been followingalong the last couple of
episodes, we have been trying tocome up with a creative name
for our daily check-in exercise.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Yes, we covered daily check-in.
We've mentioned it multipletimes in the podcast and at
every live event we've ever done.
We did a whole episode aboutdaily check-in a couple episodes
back, but we've said over andover we hate the name daily
check-in.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
That's just kind of what it came to be called, but
we certainly think that there'ssomething more creative out
there.
We just were stuck on what tocall it.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
And you guys are creative.
We heard a lot of you.
Thank you so much to everybodywho took the time to think up a
name and send it into us.
We love that.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Yes, thank you.
We appreciate all the input andfor all the encouragement that
you also have passed along indoing so.
So we have three finalists.
Yeah, we're narrowing it downfor you we couldn't really
decide on just one of these, ofthe dozens, literally, of
suggestions that we got.
We've narrowed it down to threeand we want your input on what
(02:26):
you think the best name is.
You're going to have a coupleways to vote, so we're going to
probably put up some socialmedia polls next week or so.
So certainly vote on the socialmedia polls.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
If you're not following us on social media,
you can find us at IntimateCovenant on Instagram and
Facebook.
We're there, we're there both.
We have a dig, but we're there.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
Vote on the social media polls or just send us an
email and let us know which nameyou think works best, and we
would certainly love to hearfrom you.
We're going to decide on this.
Hopefully, by our next episodeWe'll have a big launch, a
relaunch, the reveal of the name.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
It'll be so exciting.
What email address do?
Speaker 1 (03:06):
they send out.
Send it to podcast atintimatecovenantcom.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
There you go.
Okay, so the top three.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Top three.
Do we have a drum roll?
I don't.
I need to program that.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
I mean it would be so much more exciting.
But here we go.
Top three CovenantConversations Nice, I like it.
Uses a little bit of our name,gets the idea across Great, okay
, second, one Connection PointAlso good.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
I like it.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Yeah, really focusing on the connection that could be
happening in the in this dailycheck-in conversation, all right
, and then the last one littlebit of a quirk to it is Quickie
Connection.
It's a kind of fun littlelayoff.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
I just I love that too.
All of this, all three of theseare great you could say hey,
honey, you want to, let's.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
It's time for our Quickie.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Time for our daily Quickie, little wink, little
little nod.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Okay, those are our top three Covenant Conversations
Connection Point and QuickieConnection.
So which one could you seeyourself saying, you know, to
your spouse, reminding oneanother, hey, it's time for for
that conversation, dailyconversation, that we're going
to have to better connect us toone another.
What do you think?
Speaker 1 (04:24):
Love.
It All right, so vote on vote.
Send us your email.
Vote on social media.
We'd love to hear from you andand want to.
We want to know what you thinkand let's, let's, get something
that works for everybody.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
That's right, all right.
The other big announcement wehave is we are coming to Tampa
again.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
There we go, tampa, tampa Marriage Day.
We will be there March 2nd.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Yeah, Saturday March 2nd.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
Second, all day from nine to four.
We are going to be talkingabout redeeming your intimate
covenant.
This is one, one of ourfavorite topics, one of our
favorite themes Good material.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
We've never presented this material at Tampa, so if
you've come to our previousTampa Marriage Days, this will
be all new material, new stuff.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
We would love to see you there If you're in Tampa or
the surrounding area.
You can find some more detailsand registration at intimate
covenantcom.
Slash Tampa fitting in.
We hope you can join us.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
All right, okay, so getting into today's episode,
nat.
Today's episode is in responseto a recent email question.
It's from an anonymous wife.
Just some details about her.
It seems like she's in her late20s and she's been married for
a little more than five years.
(05:42):
So little context there.
So here was her email question.
Hello, I've been listening for awhile and your podcast has been
helpful to me to redefinemarriage and see it in the way
God wants us to Thank you foryour hard work and sacrifices to
make this happen.
I'm writing in because I feel alittle stuck in the way of
(06:02):
progress at the moment.
Since the beginning of ourmarriage, we have struggled to
have sex consistently and on aregular basis.
Some years we have probably hadit less than once per month,
but lately we have been workingon improving that.
Recently my husband made acomment out of frustration that
I am so picky.
(06:23):
This hurts because I have beenreally trying hard to be open to
doing things his way, and whenI tell him there is something I
can't do, I tell him that aftera lot of thought.
I know women are different thanmen when it comes to sex, but
I'm afraid that I could use thatas an excuse.
How do I know if I am being toopicky and creating problems?
Speaker 1 (06:50):
First of all, let's just back up and say we
appreciate her willingness tolook in the mirror and try to
assess her role in the dynamicin the relationship that has led
to this unhealthy andinfrequent sexual relationship.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yeah, it's so easy to point our fingers at our spouse
and to lay blame on them andthere probably is blame on her
husband's part but I soappreciate the fact that she is
coming at this from thestandpoint of I don't want to go
there.
Just how do I help fix this?
(07:27):
How do I fix my part of this?
She's expressing that recentlythey together have been trying
to improve it, and so it seemslike that has really caused her
to do a lot of introspection andtrying hard to figure out what
part she plays.
So I just really appreciate herwillingness and their
(07:48):
willingness.
That is the essence of keepstriving, don't settle
Absolutely.
Well done to this emailer.
You're on the right track.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Yes, as long as you both are interested in trying to
make it better and genuinelywant what is best for each other
, then there is always real,substantial hope for your
relationship moving forward.
We've been married for five orsix years, and so you certainly
have a lifetime left, really.
(08:17):
I mean, look at us, we've beenmarried for 26 years, so you got
a lot more time left to getthis right and to struggle with
each other in this process.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
So who knows who you need.
I have to wonder what would ouremail like this be at our five,
six year market, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
I mean, all sounded very similar, so anybody who has
been married for any length oftime has had periods and stages
in your marriage where you'restruggling, whether it's with
sex or with anything else.
So thank you for writing in,thank you for listening.
You know that, of course, alsois a huge compliment to us, and
thank you for trusting us withthis question.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Right.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
So, speaking of trying to improve, yes.
I want to ask everyone outthere did you reach your
financial goals this past year?
Speaker 2 (09:06):
Well, we're segueing into a little plug for our
sponsor here, that's just aquick aside.
Your financial goals.
Are you afraid that next yearwill look a lot like last year?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Or maybe you're, maybe you're feeling hopeful for
the new year, but you justdon't have a solid plan to
really make your family'sfinancial goals happen.
Does your financial future feeluncertain?
Does it feel scary?
Well, obviously, if you've beenlistening for any period of
time, you know that there is alot that we want you to know.
Our friend Derek Finley at OpenDoor Financial Advisors Derek
(09:42):
can help you, regardless ofwhere your situation is.
If you have $5 million or youhave $5 in your bank account,
derek Finley wants to help yousolidify your financial future.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
The best thing.
I mean, you just made me thinkabout this, matt.
Derek is like a no judgmentkind of guy and I love that.
So often, I mean, we ask allthese questions that were all
emotion based, because money andfinances are so deeply
ingrained with, for so many ofus, emotions, and Derek is so so
(10:17):
a lot of us are ashamed orafraid to confront really.
But Derek is not going to judgeyou, derek is not going to get
on to you.
He's just there to help.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
He's so awesome at that.
He just wants what's best foryou and he's going to educate
you as well as give you solidexpert advice that fits your
individual circumstance.
It's not a cookie cutterapproach.
Obviously, he's going to do agood job for you, so find Derek
opendoorfacom where financesmeet faith and family.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
All right Now to the main point of this episode.
But let's first start by makingan important point that's kind
of a sub point of this fullepisode, and that is early
struggles with sex andrelationship should not be
ignored.
We enter into marriage so manyof us thinking sex should just
(11:15):
be natural, it should justhappen and that's what we're
supposed to be doing, gotapproved.
Nobody ever talks about it, sosurely it'll just all work out,
and it often, most of the time,doesn't.
But for some of us then there'sso much shame that gets
attached to those earlystruggles and it's real easy to
(11:36):
just ignore that.
Maybe you don't know who totalk to, where to turn, how to
get help, but when you ignorethose early struggles with sex
and relationship it can veryquickly devolve into something
that is very toxic.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
Oh yeah, I mean.
This email is a perfect point.
She admits that they hadstruggles from the beginning in
their relationship and thatdevolved into a relationship
where they're having sex lessthan once per month for years.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
And they've only been married for a little over five
years.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
So that really speaks to the point that these issues
quickly get out of hand.
And the problem is and this isSatan's game here that a lot of
times it's shame, from whereverthat may be coming from.
Shame initiates that devolve, itinitiates the conflict, it
(12:33):
initiates the apprehension, butthen it's shame that wants us to
just try to ignore it, continueto ignore it, continue to let
it devolve, let it just festerwithout addressing it, without
looking at it.
You know face to face, and soyou know, some important
conversations early in theirmarriage, maybe even before they
(12:55):
were married, some importantconversations could have saved
years, literally in this case,years of pain, frustration and
the heaping on of this needlessshame.
So again, not the main point ofthis episode, but I think it is
an important point that isworth reiterating, especially
for those of you that may bestill young in your marriage,
(13:18):
that if there are issues, ifthere is conflict, if there is a
devolving of your relationship,then that needs to be addressed
early, yes, early do not thinkthat this, that somehow you'll
just magically figure this outwithout any conversation,
without any hard work, andyou've got to address that right
(13:39):
, right.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
So the details of why they struggled with sex in
their early marriage areprobably important to best
understand their currentconflict and then her internal
turmoil.
And obviously we don't have allof those details.
You know, the questions to askis is there a place where there
has been past betrayal withintheir marriage?
(14:02):
Are there other prior traumasthat have happened to one or
both of them, you know?
Are there other sources ofsexual shame?
Speaker 1 (14:09):
yeah, there's a lot of reasons why this could be
going on and obviously we, likeyou said, we don't have all of
those details.
But I think we can make somesafe assumptions and I'll admit
these are assumptions to a greatextent.
But we can make someassumptions about their
relationship and I want to beclear that the assumptions that
we make about their relationshipare not that we're casting
(14:32):
blame.
It's just the likely reality oftheir relationship dynamic and
it got that way for probablygood reasons.
They each probably have goodreasons for why they're acting
and reacting the way that theyare.
I doubt very seriously thatthey are reacting the way that
they're reacting because theyjust purely want to make each
(14:54):
other miserable, right, you know.
So that's an assumption thatwe're making, of course, but I
think that's a safe assumptionand we want to help them in in
doing this.
We want to help them reframethe dynamic.
We want to see where they areand then reframe that dynamic
and help them consider thatmaybe there are some different
(15:15):
strategies right to try toaddress this ongoing conflict
that's in their marriage.
So I think one of the importantassumptions that has to be
acknowledged is that his sexualinitiation strategies are feel
are pressuring to her.
They feel pressuring right toher.
(15:36):
Now, again, maybe they shouldfeel pressuring because maybe
she needs to feel a little bitof tension in order to help her
grow a little bit.
Maybe, that said, histechniques or his ways of
expressing his needs perhapscould use some refinement right
to help her feel more secure.
So we're going to talk aboutthat right.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
It seems also that she controls the sexual
frequency and variety based onher own narrow comfort level,
which she probably resents.
I mean, so many respondersresent being the gatekeeper and
yet that is the position thatthey hold, that they are the
(16:17):
ones controlling.
You know what doesn't doesn'thappen and when it doesn't
doesn't happen, and you know itsounds like she is admitted to.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
I have a narrow comfort level and therefore what
we do has to fit right withinmy comfort level yeah, there's
that term picky, and we're gonnaprobably talk about that a
little bit more later, but thatthat's it.
So you know.
Again, there is her.
She is the gatekeeper.
She may appreciate that on somelevel, but on another level she
(16:49):
resents that right sounds likeand that's like that's where her
internal dialogue is occurring.
Am I?
Am I being too picky?
Am I causing or creating thisproblem?
Speaker 2 (16:59):
right.
And so then it seems likethere's frustration on his part.
He's feeling rejected, yeah,due to her narrow boundaries,
and that might just be hisperception.
She may not be actively tryingto reject him, but that hit her
narrow comfort level, feels likea rejection to him, which is
(17:20):
causing, then build up, afrustration and maybe even then
a build up of you know what,never mind, I don't even want it
.
Yeah, you know, a retreating onhis part.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
That might be how he handles that feeling of
rejection and and obviously sheis in a place of needing to and
wanting to reassess herboundaries yeah, I think it's
safe to assume that from fromthis email that she wants to
know, should I be rethinkingwhere I'm drawing some of my
lines and where or why am Icomfortable or uncomfortable in
(17:54):
certain circumstances?
right so I guess let me firstsay, does any of this sound
familiar?
I mean, this is these kinds ofthis circumstance, these
relational dynamics, are common,maybe ubiquitous, among married
couples.
This is the challenge.
This is where you, when you puttwo people together who will
(18:16):
inevitably have different levelsand degrees of comfortability
with sex and different levels ofdesire for either frequency or
variety of sex, there's going tobe this place of conflict.
So I think that what we?
We're not here just to try tosolve their problems, because I
(18:37):
think, when we look at thisparticular set of circumstances,
this is applicable to, I think,every marriage absolutely.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
And again, I think if we were to have been the ones
writing the email in our fifthsix year of marriage, there
would have been a lot of commonelements well, absolutely you
know maybe we say that to say toall of you who feel some
connection to this there's somuch hope, you know there's.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
There's a lot to be gained so I think, because this
is such a ubiquitous problem,one one place where we could
start with this is, I think, forevery marriage, for every
pursuer responder dynamic, thereis a fundamental truth that
must be true in yourrelationship if we're going to
(19:29):
begin to get momentum out ofthis pressure and withdraw our
kind of scenario.
Because I think, regardless ofwhat the underlying problems are
in the relationship, whateverthe specific details of the
relationship are, thefundamental criteria for a wife
to want to have more sex or fora wife to want to have different
(19:52):
sex is that the wife must havethe expectation that there is
going to be sex worth having.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Yes, yes.
If that sex, if the sex beingoffered, is not pleasurable, if
it's not emotionally satisfying,then it's going to be hard to
want to have sex.
That sex has to be somethingthat she wants.
(20:21):
But she has to first start bywanting to have sex.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
It's nearly impossible to be motivated
towards something that has verylittle benefit to you.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
Right If she's not feeling motivated again because
it's not pleasurable, it's notemotionally satisfying, it's not
free of shame.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
Or perhaps it is causing pain, or maybe not just
that it's not all that fun it'slike doing your homework but
maybe it actually is causingmore pain and suffering, whether
that's emotional or physical orspiritual pain.
If it's a source of pain, thenthere's going to be very little
motivation, maybe no motivation.
(21:01):
Perhaps the only motivation ofthe sex that they're having is
actually to motivate her awayfrom sex.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Right Right.
In order for her to want tohave sex, she must be having sex
worth having, which means sheneeds to feel emotionally,
spiritually and physically safewithin their sexual union.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
Absolutely.
The sex that they're havingmust be mutually pleasurable,
both emotionally and physicallypleasurable.
For the wife to be motivatedtowards that kind of sex, the
sex that they have thenultimately must leave her
feeling more closely bonded tothe relationship.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
If those things aren't happening, then you're
going to be spinning your wheels, so to speak, in terms of
trying to get yourself or yourspouse to be drawn towards doing
it more or doing it differently.
Speaker 2 (21:55):
Right.
Just putting your bodiestogether more frequently will
not solve this problem.
It is not just a matter ofwhite-knuckling yourself into
having more sex.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Yes, I've certainly seen or heard advice or read
advice from books, that if youjust have more sex, then that
will help to resolve some of therelational problems.
I don't think that's true.
If you keep having bad sex,it's going to make the problem
worse, not better.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
Right, right.
Both spouses haveresponsibility to meet these
criteria.
To meet that criteria of havingemotionally, spiritually,
physically safe sex, pleasurablesex, emotionally and physically
, and sex that leaves youfeeling closely bonded to one
another, that has to be on thepart of both of them.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
I think that's an important point, because when we
say that she must beemotionally and spiritually and
physically safe, people willhear that and think, well,
that's all on the husband,that's the husband's fault.
And so she's going to come backfrom reading or hearing our
response and say, well, yeah, Iwas right, it is my husband's
fault.
That's not what we're saying.
When I say that the sex must bemutually pleasurable, then what
(23:10):
people hear is, oh, thehusband's doing a bad job, he
should do more foreplay and thatwill fix this problem.
That's not necessarily true,because if she doesn't want to
be there, then no matter what hedoes, she's not going to be
able to enjoy it.
This is on both of them toco-create I think that's an
important term here.
Underline that in yourtranscripts.
(23:31):
Co-create they must both beengaged and invested in
co-creating a sexual experiencethat will be mutually
pleasurable, that will bemutually emotionally bonding.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
Right, right, I think .
More on the mutualresponsibility in a minute, but
first I want to unpack aparticular phrase that she
mentioned in her email.
It says recently my husbandmade a comment out of
frustration that I am so picky.
This hurts because I've beentrying really hard to be open to
(24:05):
doing things his way.
When I tell him there issomething I can't do, I tell him
that after a lot of thought.
I know women are different thanmen when it comes to sex, but
I'm afraid that I could use thatas an excuse.
How do I know if I am being toopicky and creating problems?
I want to unpack that idea oftoo picky Her words.
(24:29):
Her husband has described heras being too picky.
What does that mean to be toopicky?
Speaker 1 (24:37):
Is it true?
Right, I think that maybe thatis true.
Sometimes the question revealsthe answer in a lot of these
cases, a lot of times what wefind in our experience when we
talk to couples.
But what does that mean?
To be too picky?
I think that is a good question, is it true?
(24:58):
I don't know that we can answerthat, because clearly we don't
have enough details to answerthat.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Right.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
I do want to maybe go follow this conversation a
little bit further and help hermaybe answer this question for
herself.
Maybe, just as importantly, youas a listener also need to go
down this road.
Am I being too picky in some ofthese situations?
Speaker 2 (25:20):
I think, in order to try and flesh out what does that
mean to be too picky?
What really is behind that isthat she's saying no to
something.
That's where he's deeming thisas a place that she is too picky
.
The question to ask is what'sthe reason for saying no?
(25:42):
Maybe some possible answers?
Again, we don't know her, wedon't know you, but we want you
to dig into.
Why do I say no to something?
Here's some places where itcould possibly be coming from.
Are you saying no because ofspiritual shame, whether that's
appropriate or not?
Is your no coming from a placeof your own poor body image and
(26:06):
you just can't put yourself inthat vulnerable of a position
because of how you feel aboutyour actual body?
Does that act leave you feelingtoo vulnerable, too exposed?
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Why is that?
Is it because of your owninternal past and maybe past
traumas?
Or because the way that yourhusband treats you do you feel
too vulnerable to revealyourself to your husband?
Speaker 2 (26:34):
At all, sexually let alone in one particular act?
is there physical pain involvedin what it is that's being asked
of you, or do you just ingeneral have physical pain with
a lot of sexual acts that you'venever dug into, never been
willing to really figure thatout?
I think a lot of reasons why awoman feels an initial sense of
(27:00):
no Towards a husband's requestis oftentimes there is a
suspicion of his motives.
What I did, I wouldn't havethought that up.
So where did he get that idea?
Where has he seen this beforeInteresting?
Has he wanted to do this, youknow?
So just trying to figure outhis motives, sure Is it that you
(27:22):
feel emotionally detached inall of your marriage, in all of
your relationship, and becausethere's not a strong emotional
attachment to one another,you're unable to then kind of
get outside your comfort zonewhen it comes to a physical act
or Position or whatever it maybe, you know, is there maybe a
(27:45):
fear of not being Adequate?
so when it's something you'venever done before, you can
definitely feel a sense of I'mnot gonna do that right?
Do you think there's a rightway to do that?
Speaker 1 (27:58):
and I'm Inexperienced , I won't know the right way to
do that and I will leave himfeeling Disappointed sure and so
I don't think I'm enough to beable to do that I think a lot of
folks struggle withinsecurities on various levels
and for various reasons, butsome of us are just naturally
feel more insecure with theunknown, and so Well, and that
(28:20):
can be, it just a fear of theunknown, and we naturally revert
to know Simply because it'sunknown.
Yes, right that have a wholepodcast all by myself.
About that sometimes.
That, yeah, I mean that forsome of us, the unknown is a
place for adventure and thatsounds fun.
For others, if it's unknown,that's like the default is no.
(28:43):
If I don't know, if I can'tpredict the outcome, the answer
is no.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
So you yourself have to lean into why am I saying no,
you know, and only she cananswer that question, and that
answer is probably layered.
It's probably not.
Oh, yes, that's the one answer.
It's probably layered withcomplexities and it's gonna be
tied into the generalrelationship dynamic.
(29:11):
Absolutely this is not just asex problem.
Speaker 1 (29:13):
This is all about the relationship and I think that's
one important point here.
This is not a sex problem.
There's no such thing asdealing with just a sexual
problem in your relationship,because it bleeds over and it is
influenced by All of thecomplexities of your relational
dynamic.
How are the two of youcommunicating together?
Are you communicating?
(29:33):
Do you have an opencommunication in your
relationship, or is there thisoverwhelming sense of pressure
or fear, or dominance, oravoidance?
Speaker 2 (29:43):
You know all those different factors that play in
and so that kind of leads intothis next you know place that I
would push into is just, isthere conversation, right?
So she says, you know, when heasked for something, I tell him
there is something I can't do.
I tell him that after a lot ofthought and If I was in that
(30:07):
same room with this wife I'dwrap my arms around her and give
her a great big old hug and saythat's not a good enough,
because what you're saying to mein that sentence is that was
all a decision you made insideyour own head.
I tell them after a lot ofthought, meaning you didn't
involve him in a conversationabout this.
So does she just get toconsider it and act or reject on
(30:33):
the invitation based on her ownSelf-determined criteria and
preferences?
If so, you're not building arelationship, yeah, you're just
making your own decisions.
That does not mean that there'snot a valid reason to say no,
not right now.
That particular act I'm notcomfortable with.
(30:54):
However, you should only bereaching that conclusion after
some conversation together.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
Yeah, I agree with you.
I mean what I'm hearing and,again, this may not be actually
what's happening in arelationship.
We are not sitting on the couchbeside them, we're probably
over simplifying this a littlebit, but again, I think, for the
sake of the conversation thatwe're having here is, what I'm
hearing is that he's proposingsomething like hey, babe, we
should try xyz and his method ofproposal and she's like well, I
(31:25):
got it, I got to think aboutthis, I don't know, and she's
hearing this even outside,probably, of the context of the
bedroom, so there's not even any, you know, sexual energy to
help kind of formulate this.
She's hearing this out ofcontext.
Then she's making a decisionafter a lot of thought, which I
think is we appreciate thatshe's the bowl she isn't just
(31:47):
react, just reacting with no one, then never thinking about it
again.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
Sure, maybe it's not, it Maybe it's not an immediate
no.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
She's willing to least consider it, but then
she's like well, I thought aboutit.
No, I don't think this is forme.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
Rather than I think what we're proposing is, there
needs to be a conversation right, because what you want to know
is that, to every decision thatyou make as a couple in regards
to your sexual Relationship,that that is a we decision.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
Mm-hmm, it has to be that, so his voice matters and
this is what, this is what wemean by co-creating.
It's not just like, okay, youget, you get a vote, and I get a
vote, and then, because I saidno, then that the end of
discussion, you know.
Speaker 2 (32:31):
Move on to the next Agenda item so the question to
ask her is you know, have youreally thought about it from his
standpoint, and is he able orwilling to explain his desires?
Maybe he Isn't willing.
Maybe he's just proposing anact in the moment, but isn't
actually wanting to have aconversation about it.
(32:51):
If so, that's a place to topush back a little bit.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
This needs to be a conversation, so he must be
willing to explain what's behindhis design if you can't explain
why, then it's just notimportant enough for
conversation, probably, and heshouldn't be getting his
feelings hurt if it's if hecan't explain why this would be
important to him.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
But also, is she willing or able to hear his
express, to express his desire?
So has he?
You know, has there beenrejection on on in any level of
the conversation, part of this?
And if so, that's a place thatneeds some mending.
And you know, as you were goingthrough that little scenario, a
(33:34):
kind of threw it out therethere.
But how's he presenting thisproposition?
Right, it's, the timing mattersgreatly.
If she is a classic responder,then most likely she does not
necessarily want the very firsttime she's ever heard about this
to be 30 seconds before hewants her to do this.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
Right.
Speaker 2 (33:57):
That said, you did bring up like okay, but
sometimes it's good to presentit in a moment where there is
some anticipation, some arousalalready built up.
We're way more likely to sayyes when we're already in a
place of arousal.
So that means what multipleconversations should be had you
(34:20):
need to be having theconversations completely outside
, where you're defining whatisn't isn't okay right now and
that can always change.
Be willing to change, obviouslywithin the realms of what God
has said yes to.
Speaker 1 (34:35):
Right.
Speaker 2 (34:36):
So you need to have those conversations at, you know
, date night, but then you alsoneed to be open to conversing
even in those moments.
But it's lots and lots ofconversations, it's not just one
.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
And I would just add you know how he handles that
rejection will say a lot aboutwhat his motives are.
How he handles that rejectionwill say a lot about whether
she's even willing to considerit in an objective way.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
Right.
Is he looking for connection oris he looking just to check the
next you know hot new thing offof his list?
Speaker 1 (35:10):
Yeah, and really, I think you know in a big part of
what we're saying is that thisthe conflict about sexual
frequency, the conflicts aboutsexual variety absolutely are
going to require an ongoingconversation between the two of
them and it also requires acommitment from each of them to
(35:31):
have as much connecting sex thatis sex worth having.
It's going to require thatcommitment from each of them to
have as much connecting sex asnecessary to continue to promote
the oneness that is required inthe relationship.
Speaker 2 (35:47):
Right.
And so she, you know, in heremail, tells us that almost from
the very beginning, sherecognizes they've not been
having enough sex and she sayssometimes, you know, as little
as once a month.
Well, you know, people alwayswant to know how much sex should
we have?
How are we normal, which weactually did a podcast episode I
(36:08):
think it's episode 50 rightaround there Are we normal?
But that's the question we allhave how much sex should we be
having?
Well, we're here to tell youthat, according to the experts
who study marriage relationships, once a month is not enough.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
Yeah, in fact, once a month would be determined as a
sexless marriage, and you think?
Speaker 2 (36:29):
that we're having sex .
It's not that it's never there,but once a month is actually
falls within the realms thatexperts call sexless, because
once a month is not connectingsex, correct.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
Correct.
So this conversation requiresthat each of you must be able
and have the opportunity toexpress their feelings.
So not only do you need to havethe opportunity, but you also
need to be willing and eager toexpress your feelings, your
honest, transparent, vulnerable,true feelings about what this
(37:10):
relationship looks like to you.
Speaker 2 (37:12):
But then I think the other part of that is being
willing to hear and sit in yourspouse's perspective.
That takes a lot.
For some of us it takes a lotto just start explaining why we
feel the way we feel, digginginto that, but it's a whole
another ball game when we reallyforce ourselves to sit in the
(37:34):
perspective of my spouse.
Speaker 1 (37:37):
Yeah, this conversation is not a
competition about whose feelingsare more valid.
This is a conversation abouttrying to understand my spouse's
feelings.
So that means I'm going toexpress my feelings in an honest
and transparent way, but I'malso going to stop and sit and
really dig deep to try tounderstand what my spouse is
(37:59):
feeling in this moment.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
And within that, I think that the heart of that mat
is service to one another, andeach of you need to be committed
to serving the other.
So where does this start forthis couple that wrote in?
Well, it starts by recommittingyourselves to service to one
another.
That's where it all begins.
(38:21):
It is not that I'm here to getmy way and be happy.
It is that I am here to serveyou, my beloved.
Speaker 1 (38:29):
Absolutely, and they each must be willing to hold
their spouse accountable and tobe held accountable Whatever it
is that is harmful behavior inthis relationship, whether I'm
the one who's perpetuating that,whether my spouse is the one
that's perpetuating that.
We each need to be willing tosay look, sometimes I don't see
what I'm doing and I need you tohold me accountable when I'm
(38:52):
approaching this in an unhealthyway.
Right, and then be willing tobe honest with myself.
When I'm doing this, then Ineed to back up and behave in a
way that's going to be moreproductive and more beneficial
to the relationship.
Speaker 2 (39:06):
Right, and you know, sex is hard work, and so it
could be that this couple hasjust settled into this place of
it's too hard, and they both arechoosing to not have the
uncomfortable conversations,even moments, of choosing sex,
and so you need to start holdingeach other accountable towards
(39:29):
even the amount of sex thatyou're having.
You know, this isn't abouttrying harder to do things his
way or for her to not be picky.
It's an ongoing conversationabout co-creating a sexual
relationship that is beneficialfor both of you.
(39:49):
This is a we problem.
Speaker 1 (39:50):
Right, it's not about yeah, it's not about doing
things his way or doing thingsmy way.
It's about doing things our wayand finding out what works best
for our relationship.
And I think along those lines,and maybe where this gets a
little bit more practical andhits a little bit, maybe closer
to home for this wife, is thatthere are some important
(40:12):
questions that she needs to beable to answer in order to have
this conversation.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
Yes, and, and, frankly, every wife needs to
challenge herself to answerthese questions, and that is can
I describe a sexual encounterthat would be worth having?
So, for her, what is her idealscenario?
It is so we're not just talkingabout an act.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
We're talking about the entire sexual encounter.
Speaker 2 (40:39):
And what does the relationship feel like?
That in order to lead me intothat sexual encounter?
It is so easy for women to justnot think about sex, but if, if
you want to fix this, it beginsin your own mind, and that is
making yourself be vulnerableenough to think about sex.
(41:00):
So you have to start wanting tohave sex.
So what would it look like?
What is your ideal scenario?
And then, is there some roomfor expansion?
Within that scenario, whatwould be required for you to
begin to feel comfortable withexpanding your boundaries?
(41:20):
Now, obviously, there areboundaries put firmly in place
by God, and that is the two ofyou, no third parties, and
you're better in your head.
We like to say you know it issex that is not painful
emotionally or physically, it is.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
you know all about sex that's mutually, mutually
pleasurable and connecting.
Those are the hard and fast.
You know, those are theboundaries.
Speaker 2 (41:43):
But we're not asking her to expand outside of those
boundaries, but within those.
There's a great big old box ofwhat we can do together as a
couple within the boundaries Godhas put in place.
Our challenge to all of us ishow do we expand that Just a
little bit more?
(42:04):
How do you get outside yourcomfort zone when, especially,
you have a spouse that has abigger comfort zone than you?
How do you serve your spouse inthat way?
So what would be required foryou to feel comfortable?
Expanding your boundaries?
Speaker 1 (42:19):
and I'm guessing that what will make her feel more
comfortable in her sexuality hasvery little to do with what's
going to happen in the bedroom,but this is probably going to be
something that will occur intheir relational dynamic in
general and maybe even herunderstanding of sex?
Speaker 2 (42:37):
has she grown up with a very ultra conservative
mindset from the standpoint ofshe thinks that there is just
specific acts we would I mean,we've had a million episodes
sure, sure the challenge, thatthought.
But you know, ask, ask yourself,as a wife, what is required of
(42:58):
my husband and what is it that Iwant from my husband, and can I
Express this in a way thatmotivates him versus Rejecting
him?
That's a huge, huge point.
Yeah, you never want to expresswhat it is You're asking your
spouse to do in a way thatRejects, in a way that harms.
(43:19):
How about we look at this as ina way that motivates?
Speaker 1 (43:23):
Yes, right, right.
And then I think she's got toask some questions of herself.
What's going to be required ofme in order to be able to Be
more comfortable, to find morepleasure in our sexual
relationship?
What's going to be required ofme to Maybe think about
expanding my narrow boundaries?
Is she going to be willing todo what it takes to lean into
(43:48):
that vulnerability, to lean intothat fear, and find some ways
to expand their relationship Ina way that is still mutually
beneficial To both of them?
Speaker 2 (44:01):
and asking all these questions may bring up more
questions.
Speaker 1 (44:05):
Yes, it will.
Speaker 2 (44:07):
Don't be afraid of that, but just also recognize
that if there are big blockshere, then therapy might be very
helpful, whether that'sindividual therapy and or
couples therapy, and we wouldencourage that.
If this is a place where thetwo of you one or both of you
have big blocks Against having ahealthy relation, that is
(44:29):
preventing you or having ahealthy yes.
Speaker 1 (44:31):
Of course, these conversations just kind of end
up going in circles, uh-huh.
That's where a good therapistcan help see where those blocks
are in your In you personallyand in the relationship and can
help you work through thoseblocks to get to a place where
your Conversation can progressand therefore your growth and
your relationship can progressright.
Speaker 2 (44:53):
All right, I think we answered her question.
Let us know if you have morethoughts about it, but for now,
matt, give us our wrap up.
Speaker 1 (45:01):
Struggles with sex in a marriage must not be ignored.
Intervention and difficultconversations can save literally
years of suffering and shameand even save the marriage
itself.
The fundamental criteria for awife to want more sex or to want
different sex is that the wifemust have the expectation of sex
(45:23):
worth having.
And finally, the conflict ofsexual frequency and or sexual
variety Requires an ongoingconversation and a commitment
from each to have as muchConnecting sex as necessary to
promote oneness in therelationship.
Speaker 2 (45:41):
Now it's time to grab yours Vals in your Bible and
head to your kitchen table tohave the conversation about
Co-creating your sexualrelationship.
What are you going to do tohave sex that is worth having?
Speaker 1 (45:55):
We'd love to hear your feedback.
Certainly there is somethingthat we left undone with this
episode and we would love tohear what you think about it and
how we could express and how wecould cover this topic Maybe
more thoroughly.
Contact us by emailing thepodcast at podcast at intimate
covenant comm, or go to thewebsite intimate covenant comm
slash podcast and you will finda form to submit an anonymous
(46:18):
feedback submission.
Thanks again to Derek and opendoor financial advisors for
sponsoring the podcast.
Contact open door atOpendoorfacom where finances
meet faith and family.
Speaker 2 (46:31):
Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing,
rating and sharing the podcast.
Were truly humbled by yourencouragement and your support.
Thanks especially to ourpatreon subscribers for coming
alongside us in a very real way.
We love you.
If you would like to joinintimate covenant by supporting
the podcast and our greatermission to share God's plan For
(46:53):
intimate marriage and holysexuality, subscribe at
patreoncom.
Slash intimate covenant anddon't forget, go vote on our
poll for the daily check in name.
Speaker 1 (47:05):
Love it until next time.
Keep striving and don't settle.
Popular Podcasts
Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!