August 29, 2023 • 44 mins
This week's episode features stories from everyday women taken from the book series #SheWins.
Address Confidentiality Program - https://victimconnect.org/learn/address-confidentiality/
Lovern’s website - https://lovelifenow.org/
Alisa’s website: https://www.alisadivine.com/
Sources:
Books - https://amzn.to/3LEEUnV and https://amzn.to/427BKiW
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello, hello, hello, welcome back to IPV and me. It has been two weeks since I made my
(00:19):
comeback after the long few months where I was not recording anything and I have to say
since I released my last episode I've seen such a huge jump in listenership since I'm
putting it down to the release of the piece over pieces podcast that I did an interview
(00:45):
for. I've had a lot of people message me saying that they heard me on there and they then
listened to my own podcast and I appreciate that so much and it just goes to show guys
any time you share my podcast or you know recommend it to somebody give me a rating
(01:10):
online it makes a huge huge huge difference to me and I really appreciate that and thank
you to everybody who reached out to me over the last couple of weeks to check in on me
first of all and see how I was doing health wise I know I had a pretty big talk about
(01:30):
that on the last episode so thank you for that and also just for everybody who reached
out just say that they listened to the show however they came across it whether it's
people I know in my own life or just random strangers messaging me and everyone that's
message to let me know that you know my podcast has helped them realise that they've been
(01:55):
in an abusive relationship or it's helped them through it made them see that they're
not alone in how they're feeling I appreciate that so much and it is what keeps me going
and I'm feeling really tired and today I went back to work full time last week after
(02:17):
over three months so my body is a little exhausted my feet are in pain so I was I'll be honest
I was very lazy about recording today all I wanted to do was just veg out on the couch
so I am actually recording this from my couch which I normally don't do but I just I have
(02:39):
to I have to be comfortable today also today's episode is going to be quite short for this
being the main reason and I came across this the format's going to be a little different
also I came across this book recently on Kindle Unlimited I'm pretty sure it's still on there
(02:59):
I'm not 100% sure though I linked it in the bio for the episodes but it is a book called
hashtag she wins there is also a follow up of that book too which I have not read yet
but I've also linked it and the book has stories from lots of different women's was
(03:24):
not just one person's story it's a lot of little short stories of people and what they
went through and it is also you know shows them going through the relationship and then
how they came out the other side a lot of them are working with domestic abuse victims
(03:44):
now a lot of them have thrived in their personal lives and their careers so it's a really positive
book if you want to see what the outcome can be it's not all doom and gloom and there is
hope there is light at the end of the tunnel so it's a really great book I've included
just some of the stories here I recommend reading them and reading all the stories I
(04:11):
left out a lot of the details I just wanted to kind of summarize a lot of it just for
the podcast just to shorten it down and I also didn't want to take away from you know
people actually reading the book too so like I said I left a link in the bio pretty sure
they're both and Kindle unlimited and yeah so let's get off with it.
(04:41):
So I'm going to start with Amy's story. Amy wishes she could say she was young and naive
but she was 38 with two teenagers who she raised alone she was strong and smart and independent
although she felt all of the warning signs were there they met for a drink after she
had had dinner with her kids he was handsome charming and edgy he came on strong and intense
(05:05):
she felt wanted and was excited and intrigued he was capable of doing anything like fixing
things for her or making out of this world dinner arrangements she was impressed after
the first three weeks he informed her they were getting married that summer she laughed
and said she didn't even know his middle name he looked at her sternly and said John
(05:27):
she remembers getting chills at the time and now that makes perfect sense to her the following
morning he told her he couldn't wait any longer so she threw caution to the wind and
they were married two weeks later once their guests left the wedding he began to put her
head put in her head that her friends and family who didn't approve of the marriage
didn't need to be part of her life he said they would try and tear them apart or that
(05:49):
they were jealous of him she remembers crying when he threw what he called her stupid fucking
wedding dress on the floor and kicked us she remembered praying to fall asleep so that
it would all be over she blamed the emotional outburst on all the alcohol he had consumed
unfortunately this would become a habit for him throughout the 15 months they were married
(06:12):
things got progressively worse she began to dread being near him she never knew if he
was going to be exuberantly happy and in love with me guy or I hate you stupid fucking bitch
guy sometimes he was the suicidal I can't do anything right guy and all of this rings
true for me too it is quite common for this to happen she always tried to keep the peace
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by doing what he asked because it was easier without knowing it she had given up control
of everything she only felt comfort at work once Saturday she came home from a busy day
at the salon where she hadn't been able to answer his texts fast enough her children
were with their father for the weekend he was waiting for her in the kitchen and grabbed
(06:57):
her by the back of the head threw her to the floor and began calling her degrading and
disturbing names he pushed her towards the bathroom and made her take her clothes off
and kneel in the bathroom she cried and begged him to not make her do it he urinated in her
face and all over her naked body he accused her of having sex with her boss he gave her
(07:18):
cold shower to rinse off then he raped and beat her repeatedly one afternoon she saw
his phone laying open while he was passed out drunk she could see there was child pornography
on the screen she snapped and attacked him with the phone catching him by surprise she
kept asking what the fuck is wrong with you he said I do fucked up shit to people I hate
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and then kicked her between her legs so hard she lost all control of her body after some
time she crawled into her son's room on her stomach feeling certain she was gonna die
there on the floor hours went by before she woke again she managed to leave while her
husband was putting fistfuls of pills in his mouth a close friend made her go to the
(08:02):
cops a huge weight lifted off of her when he was arrested he was charged with domestic
assault and attempted murder he wasn't able to get bail soon after the court dates began
she would feel fear and anxiety every time a new date came up she couldn't understand
why she felt that way she knew she was supposed to feel free she should have felt happy but
(08:24):
felt the opposite and this is so true too and I think it's something that I've spoken
about before but it's such an important thing to point out that you don't just leave the
abuser and then suddenly it's all sunshine and rainbows like you've gone through this
(08:46):
huge huge trauma and just because you're not being abused now every day and you're not
around this person there's so much to deal with after that you're trying to process
the fact you're trying to understand that what happened to you was abuse that wasn't
your fault even though you've spent so much time thinking to yourself that it was your
(09:08):
fault and then you know you have people around you who don't understand why you're not feeling
happy either I had a friend question me like I don't understand why you're not happy it's
over it's done and I was so upset because I was like well am I supposed to feel happy
(09:29):
because I don't feel happy like it takes years and years and years to process everything
and to feel okay again so I think that this is a really big point that this woman makes
here and it's something that not just we as victims and survivors need to understand but
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also people who you know our friends our family of people who have been through such a big
trauma you know just to be a little more understanding and to know that it's going to take a lot
of time and there's going to be good days and there's going to be bad days so Amy turned
to alcohol to cope she came across some domestic violence Facebook pages and connected with
(10:13):
some women who share their stories reading one woman's story felt like reading about
her own life she began to embrace the support along with the sport of her family and again
this is another reason why I shared my story in the beginning I think it's so important
when I was towards the end of my relationship and I was realizing that what was happening
(10:37):
to me wasn't just a bad relationship it was reading other people's stories that made me
strong enough to believe that you know I'm not in the wrong here and I can leave too
and I can be okay too ten months after his arrest he took a plea in the district court
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the Superior Court took four more years she was still turning to alcohol her physical
as well as her mental health began to suffer she learned she had cancer and needed a full
hysterectomy she continued to drink but was one day confronted by her friend's mother
she quit drinking six weeks before her her hysterectomy she slowly began to feel physically
(11:22):
and mentally better she's currently at the best place in her life is 18 months over and
16 months cancer free she has gained a sense of pride and a longer walks with a sense of
shame she is proud of herself and watches overcome and this is Miranda's story being
(11:44):
in a violent marriage was never Miranda's plan she saw him in her geometry class and
he became her high school crush he asked her on a date during her senior year and their
relationship began he would give her flowers every week a Pandora bracelet sent to her
job as a surprise vacations she was in love she went to college an hour away but commuted
twice a week to see him she eventually moved in with him and he proposed her parents didn't
(12:09):
agree after the wedding things changed quickly he lost his job so she worked to pay the bills
she did all the chores and cooking she did all of these things because she loved him
a couple of months later when she checked their savings account it was drained at the time
he was doing stupid things always looking for a new level of intensity in his life she
(12:31):
felt she had to be responsible for him they began fighting with lots of screaming and
yelling at each other he often threatened to kill himself and were pointed gun at himself
and even at her he would drive off in his truck and she would wonder if he would ever come
back one night after drinking he began to choke her but the next day he said he was
sorry the fights became more frequent and more violent he isolated her from friends
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and questioned everywhere she went had she met guys was she cheating on him she felt
like a piece of shit he threatened to divorce her if she didn't get pregnant then on valentine's
day he would get her gifts and flowers and balloons to put on a show that everything
was good she later found out that while she would be at work he was having affairs and
spending their money on cocaine she never left because she had always been taught that
(13:19):
divorce was not an option and that anything could be worked out one night they were on
their way home from a Christmas party and began fighting in the truck he told her he
was going to kill himself and he pulled over she took the gun out of the glove box to throw
it out of the truck but he tackled her and they both fell out of the truck she felt excruciating
pain she thought she was going to die in a panic he called 911 and she was rushed to
(13:44):
the hospital she had surgery and lost some feeling in her hands they made up some excuse
that it was an accident after that she knew they were done she began to peel herself away
from him emotionally when she stepped away she saw the reality of the situation she knew
divorce was her only option now she gets to hang out with her friends and all of the other
(14:06):
simple things she could never do next up is Laverne's story during the first 15 years
of her life Laverne was witness to her father's physical emotional and verbal abuse of her
mother on the island of Trinidad weekly attacks were the norm they all walked on eggshells
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to please him so he would keep his cool the times when the police were called on him were
frustrating to her as he was never arrested he was able to talk his way out of it every
time back then domestic violence was looked upon as a husband and wife thing and honestly
I still think in a lot of place not even places but I think a lot of people just think like
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oh that's between the husband and the wife and it's no one's business but I personally
believe domestic abuse is everybody's business should be everybody's business Laverne was
the only one of her siblings who migrated to the US to finish high school she had always
said she would never end up in her mother's situation but she did the first time her
(15:12):
abuser slapped her he followed it up with an elaborate apology of voicemails of flowers
and a touching note she deduced it to an isolated incident because he had never done anything
like that before and it seems sincere in his apology she believed the honeymoon phase of
their relationship would return if she could prove to him she loved and forgave him after
every attack after all he was so sorry but she made him do it she believed she was part
(15:37):
of the problem and could therefore change his behaviour by changing her own the reason
for his attacks always seemed to stem from jealousy if someone looked at her for too
long or if he thought she was looking at another man he would attack in the form of verbal
assaults kicking punching and strangulation she hid it for two years until she reached
(15:58):
her breaking point and sought help for injuries after the last attack during a jealous rage
he beat her from 9pm until 2am he grabbed a knife and pinned her down and straddled
her on the bed he held a knife to her throat the more she pleaded for him to stop the more
enraged he became at times he would stop to hurl verbal assaults and then resume spitting
(16:21):
strangling punching and slapping her when he finally stopped she fell asleep she had
no choice but to lay next to him in fear she felt a sharp pain in her upper thigh and abdomen
she finally built up enough courage to leave the apartment and get a cab to the hospital
she had rape and upper torso contusions she lied to the doctor and said she fell in the
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shower two weeks went by and she heard nothing from her abuser he then showed up at her apartment
and demanded to be let in he tried to break the locks she pressed her body to the door
and called the police he left when he heard her talking to them when they arrived they
discovered the worries to her landline had been caught she realised how unsafe she was
and filed for a restraining order in the following years it took her a long time to learn to
(17:08):
love herself again why had she let herself fall into this kind of relationship her spiritual
faith as well as friends and family helped her get through it during a pageant interview
years later she opened up about her story her family embraced her going public and her
mom and two brothers moved to the US while her father stayed in Trinidad she was founded
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the love life now foundation to raise awareness and connect people with shelters she is a proud
wife and mother to two children I love that ending I think it's so beautiful I love that
her family embraced her going public and were supportive of her I think that's fantastic
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and that makes me super super happy next is kenda's story kenda's abuse started shortly
after having surgery for an ectopic pregnancy she would come home from work and he would
be drinking he started accusing her of trying to get with his friends and of sleeping with
her manager he said it was because they weren't having sex like they used to she tried to explain
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it was because of the pregnancy and she was depressed about losing their baby while he
celebrated the loss one night he threw her against the wall and choked her she remembered
thinking if she just loved him enough he'd stop one time in their bedroom he blocked
the door and wouldn't let her out he stood there and screamed at her she went to the
window to escape he grabbed her ankles and yanked her back inside causing her to hit
(18:37):
her chin on the windowsill and it burst open there was blood everywhere the neighbours
called the police as they heard the screaming she'd already cleaned up the blood by the
time they arrived they separated them for questioning but she told them they had just
had an argument he asked her to roll up her sleeves her arms were severely bruised the
other cop frisked her boyfriend he found marijuana and coughed him and took him to jail they
(19:02):
booked him for domestic abuse and possession he was out the next day and came straight
home he asked her if they were over and she proclaimed her love for him it wasn't long
before it started again they had taken in a homeless 12 year old boy he accused her of
sleeping with him he grabbed her threw her against the wall and started choking her the
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boy ran away terrified she blacked out when she came to the apartment was empty it took
her forever to get to her feet and she called her parents she tried to talk but nothing
would come out her mother knew something was wrong and told her father to go to her he
showed up with the cops he was standing there with a gun in his hand asking where her boyfriend
was he asked her if she'd had enough yet and wanted out she said she was and he helped
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her pack her things she had a difficult time being on her own she didn't know what to do
with all the time in her hands she had now but eventually she started learning how to
live her life again Adrian's story Adrian was alive at the party before she met him
he was the most charming person she'd ever met he'd never had a girlfriend before her
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that should have been a red flag she fell hard and fast the first six months were amazing
but she didn't know he was sleeping with other women they were engaged for seven years but
never married she realized he had the ability to blame everything on her and to convince
her it was all her fault he could talk his way out of anything if she confronted him
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about a lie he denied it he would make her feel crazy for ever thinking he was wrong
something inside her broke the first time he spit in her face she could see in his eyes
that her brokenness excited him it was one of his favorite things to do I think of all
things to do there's just something about spitting it's just so degrading it's disgusting
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obviously but it's just like it really just shows that this person thinks you are absolutely
worthless to them he convinced her she was lucky to have him that no one else would want
a worthless failure like her it became a daily event she walked on eggshells to keep the
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abuse to a minimum eggshells is something that you hear continually throughout stories
of domestic abuse it's definitely something that I know the feeling of I've mentioned
it to people when I describe it before I it's like you're literally just trying to almost
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kind of hide yourself and quieten yourself just so they don't really pay attention to
you it's just the worst feeling the physical abuse soon escalated she was so scared of
him she didn't fight back because she knew he would kill her she could tell by the look
in his eyes as he choked her that he was capable of us he will watch the life leave
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her eyes and then let go so she could gasp for air sometimes he would stand there holding
a gun she would be hysterical and then go numb there were times he would bend her over
the bed and do whatever he wanted with her even if she said to stop she wanted to disappear
there were times she thought she'd be better off dead he would threaten to hunt her down
and kill her if she ever left him she learned to put on a happy face so no one would know
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the truth if someone knew it would make it real she thought if she could make everything
perfect things would get better clean the house cook the perfect meal don't say anything stupid
she was wrong nothing she did was ever good enough when she was six months pregnant with
her first child he fractured her ribs and ankle she had some friends take her to the
(22:54):
emergency room she had told him her dog knocked her down the stairs she would er hop so no
one would pick up the on the abuse the doctors would always ask her if she felt safe in her
home she would always lie and this is something too that I wanted to point out I don't know
if anyone has had this experience but I when I was in the emergency room last month and
(23:22):
they were doing my intake for him and they did ask me all of the you know domestic abuse
questions and I was really so happy to hear them ask that I think it's it's a great time
for people to be honest and you know open up to somebody and maybe like say and let
(23:45):
them know that like yeah maybe something isn't quite right but I just think it's a fantastic
thing that they do in hospitals and I hope that every hospital does it I'm not sure if
they do or not I know when I was in Ireland I definitely wasn't asked any of those questions
in the hospital but I think it's a really really great idea when her child was two he
(24:09):
used to try and protect her from his dad but when he would step in front of her he would
continue screaming even though his son was there it finally clicked with her that she
needed to leave one night when he called her to pick him up from a bar in the middle of
the night she loaded her two kids into the car and drove to the bar he was drunk and
mostly high on the drive home he grabbed her phone and tried to throw it out the window
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he punched her in the face and jerked the wheel trying to run them off the road her
three year old started screaming daddy's trying to kill us over and over she stopped at his
friend's place and let him out of the car he stood yelling and cursing in the yard that
she was the one who made who had done this not him her oldest asked her what she had
done to make daddy so mad she knew they had to get out that is so sad to hear those poor
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little kids saying that it took time to gain the courage to leave he kicked her and the
kids out like he had done many times before her mother drove drove 12 hours through the
night to pick her up as they were leaving he leaned into the kids and said they couldn't
see daddy anymore because mommy is bad for a few months after she desperately wanted
(25:17):
to go back to him she believes she couldn't be without him now she is aware of the strength
she has and the respect she deserves she married a great man she is determined to use the
hell she went through to help others Nicole's story Nicole's abuser was well known in their
community he coached children's sports teams they looked like a perfect family from the
(25:40):
outside a beautiful house nice cars and good jobs he wanted to control who she was with
and what she did while he could do whatever he wanted he would strategically put her down
in the form of jokes followed by I was just kidding and it won't happen again my ex used
to do this to me actually my my abusive ex used to do this to me and my ex before that
(26:04):
used to do that to me as well which I have mentioned before that there were definitely
some little patterns of abuse in that relationship too and it's just the worst thing like whatever
about if it is just joking legitimately just jokie jokie and like it's there's no abuse
and whatever and it's just like how your relationship is like to do it in front of other people
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I feel like it's such like it's just like a low blow I don't think you should ever talk
bad you know about your partner when your partner is there and in front of like your friends
mutual friends their friends your friends whatever it is I just think it's horrible I've had people
do it in front of me before like other couples and I will always stick up for the person that
(26:45):
has been like made fun of because I just think it's a horrible feeling like whatever about
having you know little jokie things between yourselves or like you know the little stupid
annoying things that the other person just put like keep it in your own relationship
I hate it it just really really really bothers me she believed he would change every time
after a few years together they married and had two kids the emotional abuse was exacerbated
(27:09):
and the physical abuse began it started with him pushing her and throwing things at her
they were together for 19 years but the last year was the worst there were no more apologies
from him he enjoyed having power and control over her one day he became enraged when she
tried to leave the house he dragged her inside punched her choked her and held a gun to her
head he described all the ways he could kill her and anyone who tried to come to her rescue
(27:35):
when she finally told her mother she was shocked they came up with a plan and she fled with
her sons to her sister's place for two weeks while he was served with the protection order
she filed for divorce and he made it as difficult financially for her as he could he drained
every bank account they had transferred credit card debt to her and opened up new cards in
her name exactly like my ex did he threw away every pair of shoes she had leaving her only
(27:59):
one pair of shoes and boots the appliances she was allowed to take from the home had
disappeared except for the deep freeze which he had unplugged and so had ruined everything
in us every time they would get close to settling the divorce he would fire his attorney and
hire a new one it was his way of still trying to keep control of her and again this is a
huge reason why I keep saying people that say oh why doesn't the woman just leave him
(28:24):
if it's that bad blah blah blah blah blah like this is one of many many reasons why
like look at this hell that this woman is still being put through the pettiness it's
so hard and for some people it is just easier to stay in the relationship because you're
going through all of this stuff and then a lot of people you know this one was lucky
(28:47):
she had her mom her sister helping her out like a lot of people don't have family to
help them out they still had to share custody of the kids he made the exchanges as complicated
as possible she would pull up to get the kids and he would drive off with them he would
tell her to meet them at the gas station but not say which one even though she didn't tell
him where she had moved to he still had her social security number and so he called the
(29:11):
electrical company to obtain her address now I'm pretty sure I've spoken about this before
there are things that you can do to get your address blocked from anybody finding it and
I'm going to I know I've definitely mentioned it before but I'm going to find the company
(29:32):
that I used and I will add it to the bio of this episode if it not this episode then it
might be in the the main bio it just might take me a little bit because I have to go
through my paperwork because I know I still have their their card and everything but there
is like forms you can fill out where you can get your address blocked anything like that
(29:54):
so people can find out your information sorry about that guys that was my three year old
nephew calling me so I had to stop and answer him I wouldn't do that for anybody else he
started preschool today not sure how it went he was a little tired I think so there wasn't
(30:17):
much chat but yeah sorry about that anyways let's get back to it so he began stalking
her he threw a cigarette in her face after coming to her door she called the police and
he was arrested for domestic violence her son was also a victim when he was 10 his father
(30:39):
assaulted him because he wasn't going to make the wait for the football team he threatened
that if he told anyone he would come to their house and beat his mother with brass knuckles
and a baseball bat imagine the fear that that poor child would have like that's so disgusting
he said to the son that her face would look like raw hamburger meat when he was done with
(31:03):
her when she heard about it she called the police again but they said there was nothing
they could do it was her word against his there were 13 calls made to 911 which resulted
in only two arrests he continued to harass and threaten her he would say he would come
(31:24):
to her house when she was asleep and slit her throat that was his favorite threat he
would threaten throw acid in her face or disfigure her she started recording their conversations
finally he was arrested for aggravated assault and she was granted full custody without visitation
but he continued to stalk them he owed her 30k in child support but refused to pay us
(31:50):
a hearing was scheduled he demanded she sign off in the child support or he would kill
her she spoke with his parole officer and the plan was that when the next report was
made they would arrest him he fought off the officers and was missing for days during that
time he called her more than 95 times saying again he would kill her if she didn't sign
(32:10):
off he was found five days later that five days must have been absolute hell for this
poor woman when I say that these stories of men threatening to kill their partners their
former partners they are legit they should always be taken seriously she read her victim
(32:36):
impact statement during the hearing and the judge withdrew the original plea deal he had
agreed to this was her first win he was sentenced to 15 months to five years while in jail he
solicited an inmate to kill her for 50k two other inmates came forward saying he had bragged
that they would see him on the news after his release for killing his kids in front
(32:58):
of her and then torturing her to death the judge said there wasn't enough evidence for
a new trial but she fought it and the attorney general took her case he was sentenced to
13 to 35 years she now lobbies for change in legislation to protect victims of domestic
violence she has found healing and empowerment through her advocacy work and if you think
(33:24):
like and I find this with my situation too like that last story and how that ended up
and how he was after she left him might seem dramatic to most might seem like oh he's just
like a worse like angrier more dangerous abuser than your average abuser like I don't think
(33:49):
that that's true I think that every single abuser is capable of this type of violence
and these type of threats I think it can escalate to that point for any of them so any threat
like this should always always always always be taken really really seriously Gabby's story
(34:12):
Gabby met her abuser in 2011 she found him overwhelmingly attractive he said he had a
strong bond and love for his family he had a great sense of humour and was charming he
was very personable and likable to people he met she had no reason to think otherwise
she didn't find it odd that he asked if she had ever heard of him or know of his past
he told her about an incident with his ex-girlfriend at the time he was in court because of it she
(34:38):
was naive and thought he was being honest he won her over but really she was falling
into his trap four months into their relationship he started a year long stint in jail she stood
by him five months after his release she was held hostage for six days and abused in the
most sickest twisted and heinous ways one could imagine he accused her of being unfaithful
(35:01):
while he was in jail he hit her across the face of the back of his hand several times
he choked her he pulled her into the car by the hair while yelling at her he said he couldn't
stand her he beat her with a belt across her backside in the middle of the woods in broad
daylight he forcibly injected her with heroin for the majority of the week sometimes multiple
times a day he would call her a whore in a slot he said he was going to bring her body
(35:25):
to western massachusetts and no one would find us it was clear he was going to kill her she
was forced to perform sexual acts on his dog he filmed everything and used it as blackmail
he threatened her in every way he tried to get her to quit her job and move away from
her family and friends on the sixth day she went to work she couldn't hold it in and told
(35:49):
her boss who figured out a plan for her to go to the police he was found guilty the following
year after a three day trial and sentenced to only six years she chose to go public with
her story she started to meet with other survivors she continues to get stronger every day
and like that is so brave of that woman to come forward with like the acts that were
(36:14):
done to her that she was forced to do are so completely vile and heinous in this particular
case for her to come forward and tell her story publicly that is that woman is insanely
brave and I really really applaud her for that megan's story she was at his house one
(36:39):
evening when he first hit her they hadn't been arguing she was actually quietly studying
for an exam he started shouting at her then pinned her against the wall while calling
her names he said he would break her walls and that's such a kick that these abusers
get out of women too they just want to break you down his cheeks were red and his eyes
(36:59):
were filled with rage he sped at her she pushed him away and he punched her she remembers
feeling her skull shaking her glasses flew off then he started choking her she pushed
him away again which further enraged him he dragged her to the bedroom and threw her
on the bed he kept choking her and punching her arms and stomach he turned her around
(37:21):
pulled her arms behind her back and lifted her as if trying to break her back he kept
flipping her around and continued slapping her she went limp she went into shock at some
point he let go of her so she ran to the bathroom and locked herself inside she stayed there
for a couple of hours weeping she questioned if well educated women from good families
(37:43):
got hit he wept and told her it was a one time thing the second time he hit her was
four months later during an argument that was the first time she admitted to herself
he had a habit of hitting her she told his parents who used to say she was the daughter
they never had they spoke to him and then told her she deserved it and that she shouldn't
have provoked him he continued to hit her for the next five years she didn't tell anyone
(38:08):
else about it out of a display sense of loyalty to him she didn't want to want them to hate
the man she loved she felt like he would see her love and would change her love was stronger
than their pain she started feeling like there was something wrong with her to make a man
want to hit her she was believing all of the things he had said about her her friends told
her she looked miserable she didn't even want to live anymore she finally left him one night
(38:33):
when he wouldn't let her cross her access her pads after she'd gotten her period it
was as if a veil had been lifted she moved back to India and began taking up the cause
for abused women in her country two years after she left she was happy again
she was sitting on the sofa nursing her son when she heard him pull into the driveway
(38:57):
like so many other days she had a nervous feeling in her stomach what mood was he going
to be in he said hello to their daughter and went to shower she saw her daughter's head
peek up after a while looking above and behind her as she still nursed her son her daughter's
eyes were big and fearful he came charging out of the bedroom he put his arm around
(39:18):
her neck from behind her son screamed she tried to remove his arm while still trying
to protect her baby son she shouted at her daughter to run to her room she managed to
get out of the headlock grabbed her phone and ran to her daughter's room locking the
door she died nine on one he started kicking out the door no one was answering the phone
then the door swung open she told her daughter to run to the neighbors to get help he went
(39:42):
after her so she panicked and ran after him he grabbed their daughter and held her back
then Michelle ran to the back door he looked confused as he wondered who to go after first
he let go of their daughter who ran out the door and across the yard she heard voices
approaching the house it was the neighbors the fear in her daughter's eyes that day
made her realise she had to leave him maybe they wouldn't be so lucky next time she had
(40:06):
no family around and knew she needed a job he threatened that she would never have anything
she struggled at first and never let her guard down there was always something harassing phone
calls hundreds of texts her daughter saying she saw his car nearby he would follow them
drive by their house she never felt safe one morning she stayed home while her mother came
(40:27):
by to take her daughter to school there was a noise at the back door it was him he was
trying to break down the door there was a police officer with him he had tried to convince
him that he lived in her house afterwards her neighbor told her they would often see
him coming and going from the house so he had assumed that he also lived there it turned
(40:48):
out he had been hiding in her attic that is so creepy after that day everything changed
she was no longer scared she was angry she became a fighter she got an order of protection
although she would still look over her shoulder her life became so much better she is now safe
(41:08):
and secure with the new husband Alejandra's story the extravagant gifts and surprise romantic
gestures only lasted a few months and turned to escalated arguments threatening behavior
and vulgar screams he claimed these outbursts were due to a troubled upbringing where he
was abandoned only she could help him overcome it her terror was heightened when he purchased
(41:30):
a handgun he began using it as a way to manipulate her he pointed to his head to end an argument
during one drunk a night he nearly choked her he kicked her as she curled into a ball
on the floor her head hitting the wall over and over she was certain she wouldn't make
it out alive it again ended with him holding the gun to his head pleading for forgiveness
(41:51):
she left him over a week later she did everything you're supposed to do she never spoke to him
again filed charges got a restraining order moved out with a police escort by her side
and reported each point of contact he made she thought it was finally the end in reality
the journey had just begun going through the legal process proved to be the most difficult
(42:13):
part she dived into books to learn about domestic violence knowledge was empowering she began
seeing a therapist she went to trial but no amount of evidence was enough for the jury
and he was found not guilty she felt defeated by the year long process then her dad said
something that changed her life you're not going to let what's on a piece of paper determine
(42:35):
the value of the rest of your life are you she learned she was unbreakable and now walks
tall and proud so that is it for today short and sweet hopefully I will be recovered next
(42:55):
week and can do a longer episode I have some exciting stuff coming up I'm currently working
on an episode that is probably gonna be like a three parter by the rate it's going it's
an episode story that I thought that I would never cover but something I read recently
(43:16):
it just made me really determined to do it I'll let you guys guess what's going to be
it's probably not going to be out for a long time to be honest because it's taking a lot
of work there's a lot of information on it and I want to get it as right as possible
and I want to do the timeline as closely as possible and honestly it's a little traumatic
(43:39):
so I'm taking a lot of breaks in between it because I find when I'm working on it for
a little bit it just upsets me and I just need a little break so yeah I'm gonna leave
it there I'll be back in two weeks with another episode thank you guys for listening as always
and you know again feel free to reach out to me online at mangogs are all my socials
(44:05):
ask ipvme for the podcast and please rate on any platform you listen to the ratings
really really really really really help me and at the hotline.org if you need any help
all the links again are in the bio thank you so much for listening I will talk to you again
(44:29):
in two weeks so excited love you lots bye
Hello, hello, hello, welcome back to IPV and me. It has been two weeks since I made my
(00:19):
comeback after the long few months where I was not recording anything and I have to say
since I released my last episode I've seen such a huge jump in listenership since I'm
putting it down to the release of the piece over pieces podcast that I did an interview
(00:45):
for. I've had a lot of people message me saying that they heard me on there and they then
listened to my own podcast and I appreciate that so much and it just goes to show guys
any time you share my podcast or you know recommend it to somebody give me a rating
(01:10):
online it makes a huge huge huge difference to me and I really appreciate that and thank
you to everybody who reached out to me over the last couple of weeks to check in on me
first of all and see how I was doing health wise I know I had a pretty big talk about
(01:30):
that on the last episode so thank you for that and also just for everybody who reached
out just say that they listened to the show however they came across it whether it's
people I know in my own life or just random strangers messaging me and everyone that's
message to let me know that you know my podcast has helped them realise that they've been
(01:55):
in an abusive relationship or it's helped them through it made them see that they're
not alone in how they're feeling I appreciate that so much and it is what keeps me going
and I'm feeling really tired and today I went back to work full time last week after
(02:17):
over three months so my body is a little exhausted my feet are in pain so I was I'll be honest
I was very lazy about recording today all I wanted to do was just veg out on the couch
so I am actually recording this from my couch which I normally don't do but I just I have
(02:39):
to I have to be comfortable today also today's episode is going to be quite short for this
being the main reason and I came across this the format's going to be a little different
also I came across this book recently on Kindle Unlimited I'm pretty sure it's still on there
(02:59):
I'm not 100% sure though I linked it in the bio for the episodes but it is a book called
hashtag she wins there is also a follow up of that book too which I have not read yet
but I've also linked it and the book has stories from lots of different women's was
(03:24):
not just one person's story it's a lot of little short stories of people and what they
went through and it is also you know shows them going through the relationship and then
how they came out the other side a lot of them are working with domestic abuse victims
(03:44):
now a lot of them have thrived in their personal lives and their careers so it's a really positive
book if you want to see what the outcome can be it's not all doom and gloom and there is
hope there is light at the end of the tunnel so it's a really great book I've included
just some of the stories here I recommend reading them and reading all the stories I
(04:11):
left out a lot of the details I just wanted to kind of summarize a lot of it just for
the podcast just to shorten it down and I also didn't want to take away from you know
people actually reading the book too so like I said I left a link in the bio pretty sure
they're both and Kindle unlimited and yeah so let's get off with it.
(04:41):
So I'm going to start with Amy's story. Amy wishes she could say she was young and naive
but she was 38 with two teenagers who she raised alone she was strong and smart and independent
although she felt all of the warning signs were there they met for a drink after she
had had dinner with her kids he was handsome charming and edgy he came on strong and intense
(05:05):
she felt wanted and was excited and intrigued he was capable of doing anything like fixing
things for her or making out of this world dinner arrangements she was impressed after
the first three weeks he informed her they were getting married that summer she laughed
and said she didn't even know his middle name he looked at her sternly and said John
(05:27):
she remembers getting chills at the time and now that makes perfect sense to her the following
morning he told her he couldn't wait any longer so she threw caution to the wind and
they were married two weeks later once their guests left the wedding he began to put her
head put in her head that her friends and family who didn't approve of the marriage
didn't need to be part of her life he said they would try and tear them apart or that
(05:49):
they were jealous of him she remembers crying when he threw what he called her stupid fucking
wedding dress on the floor and kicked us she remembered praying to fall asleep so that
it would all be over she blamed the emotional outburst on all the alcohol he had consumed
unfortunately this would become a habit for him throughout the 15 months they were married
(06:12):
things got progressively worse she began to dread being near him she never knew if he
was going to be exuberantly happy and in love with me guy or I hate you stupid fucking bitch
guy sometimes he was the suicidal I can't do anything right guy and all of this rings
true for me too it is quite common for this to happen she always tried to keep the peace
(06:37):
by doing what he asked because it was easier without knowing it she had given up control
of everything she only felt comfort at work once Saturday she came home from a busy day
at the salon where she hadn't been able to answer his texts fast enough her children
were with their father for the weekend he was waiting for her in the kitchen and grabbed
(06:57):
her by the back of the head threw her to the floor and began calling her degrading and
disturbing names he pushed her towards the bathroom and made her take her clothes off
and kneel in the bathroom she cried and begged him to not make her do it he urinated in her
face and all over her naked body he accused her of having sex with her boss he gave her
(07:18):
cold shower to rinse off then he raped and beat her repeatedly one afternoon she saw
his phone laying open while he was passed out drunk she could see there was child pornography
on the screen she snapped and attacked him with the phone catching him by surprise she
kept asking what the fuck is wrong with you he said I do fucked up shit to people I hate
(07:41):
and then kicked her between her legs so hard she lost all control of her body after some
time she crawled into her son's room on her stomach feeling certain she was gonna die
there on the floor hours went by before she woke again she managed to leave while her
husband was putting fistfuls of pills in his mouth a close friend made her go to the
(08:02):
cops a huge weight lifted off of her when he was arrested he was charged with domestic
assault and attempted murder he wasn't able to get bail soon after the court dates began
she would feel fear and anxiety every time a new date came up she couldn't understand
why she felt that way she knew she was supposed to feel free she should have felt happy but
(08:24):
felt the opposite and this is so true too and I think it's something that I've spoken
about before but it's such an important thing to point out that you don't just leave the
abuser and then suddenly it's all sunshine and rainbows like you've gone through this
(08:46):
huge huge trauma and just because you're not being abused now every day and you're not
around this person there's so much to deal with after that you're trying to process
the fact you're trying to understand that what happened to you was abuse that wasn't
your fault even though you've spent so much time thinking to yourself that it was your
(09:08):
fault and then you know you have people around you who don't understand why you're not feeling
happy either I had a friend question me like I don't understand why you're not happy it's
over it's done and I was so upset because I was like well am I supposed to feel happy
(09:29):
because I don't feel happy like it takes years and years and years to process everything
and to feel okay again so I think that this is a really big point that this woman makes
here and it's something that not just we as victims and survivors need to understand but
(09:49):
also people who you know our friends our family of people who have been through such a big
trauma you know just to be a little more understanding and to know that it's going to take a lot
of time and there's going to be good days and there's going to be bad days so Amy turned
to alcohol to cope she came across some domestic violence Facebook pages and connected with
(10:13):
some women who share their stories reading one woman's story felt like reading about
her own life she began to embrace the support along with the sport of her family and again
this is another reason why I shared my story in the beginning I think it's so important
when I was towards the end of my relationship and I was realizing that what was happening
(10:37):
to me wasn't just a bad relationship it was reading other people's stories that made me
strong enough to believe that you know I'm not in the wrong here and I can leave too
and I can be okay too ten months after his arrest he took a plea in the district court
(11:01):
the Superior Court took four more years she was still turning to alcohol her physical
as well as her mental health began to suffer she learned she had cancer and needed a full
hysterectomy she continued to drink but was one day confronted by her friend's mother
she quit drinking six weeks before her her hysterectomy she slowly began to feel physically
(11:22):
and mentally better she's currently at the best place in her life is 18 months over and
16 months cancer free she has gained a sense of pride and a longer walks with a sense of
shame she is proud of herself and watches overcome and this is Miranda's story being
(11:44):
in a violent marriage was never Miranda's plan she saw him in her geometry class and
he became her high school crush he asked her on a date during her senior year and their
relationship began he would give her flowers every week a Pandora bracelet sent to her
job as a surprise vacations she was in love she went to college an hour away but commuted
twice a week to see him she eventually moved in with him and he proposed her parents didn't
(12:09):
agree after the wedding things changed quickly he lost his job so she worked to pay the bills
she did all the chores and cooking she did all of these things because she loved him
a couple of months later when she checked their savings account it was drained at the time
he was doing stupid things always looking for a new level of intensity in his life she
(12:31):
felt she had to be responsible for him they began fighting with lots of screaming and
yelling at each other he often threatened to kill himself and were pointed gun at himself
and even at her he would drive off in his truck and she would wonder if he would ever come
back one night after drinking he began to choke her but the next day he said he was
sorry the fights became more frequent and more violent he isolated her from friends
(12:56):
and questioned everywhere she went had she met guys was she cheating on him she felt
like a piece of shit he threatened to divorce her if she didn't get pregnant then on valentine's
day he would get her gifts and flowers and balloons to put on a show that everything
was good she later found out that while she would be at work he was having affairs and
spending their money on cocaine she never left because she had always been taught that
(13:19):
divorce was not an option and that anything could be worked out one night they were on
their way home from a Christmas party and began fighting in the truck he told her he
was going to kill himself and he pulled over she took the gun out of the glove box to throw
it out of the truck but he tackled her and they both fell out of the truck she felt excruciating
pain she thought she was going to die in a panic he called 911 and she was rushed to
(13:44):
the hospital she had surgery and lost some feeling in her hands they made up some excuse
that it was an accident after that she knew they were done she began to peel herself away
from him emotionally when she stepped away she saw the reality of the situation she knew
divorce was her only option now she gets to hang out with her friends and all of the other
(14:06):
simple things she could never do next up is Laverne's story during the first 15 years
of her life Laverne was witness to her father's physical emotional and verbal abuse of her
mother on the island of Trinidad weekly attacks were the norm they all walked on eggshells
(14:26):
to please him so he would keep his cool the times when the police were called on him were
frustrating to her as he was never arrested he was able to talk his way out of it every
time back then domestic violence was looked upon as a husband and wife thing and honestly
I still think in a lot of place not even places but I think a lot of people just think like
(14:50):
oh that's between the husband and the wife and it's no one's business but I personally
believe domestic abuse is everybody's business should be everybody's business Laverne was
the only one of her siblings who migrated to the US to finish high school she had always
said she would never end up in her mother's situation but she did the first time her
(15:12):
abuser slapped her he followed it up with an elaborate apology of voicemails of flowers
and a touching note she deduced it to an isolated incident because he had never done anything
like that before and it seems sincere in his apology she believed the honeymoon phase of
their relationship would return if she could prove to him she loved and forgave him after
every attack after all he was so sorry but she made him do it she believed she was part
(15:37):
of the problem and could therefore change his behaviour by changing her own the reason
for his attacks always seemed to stem from jealousy if someone looked at her for too
long or if he thought she was looking at another man he would attack in the form of verbal
assaults kicking punching and strangulation she hid it for two years until she reached
(15:58):
her breaking point and sought help for injuries after the last attack during a jealous rage
he beat her from 9pm until 2am he grabbed a knife and pinned her down and straddled
her on the bed he held a knife to her throat the more she pleaded for him to stop the more
enraged he became at times he would stop to hurl verbal assaults and then resume spitting
(16:21):
strangling punching and slapping her when he finally stopped she fell asleep she had
no choice but to lay next to him in fear she felt a sharp pain in her upper thigh and abdomen
she finally built up enough courage to leave the apartment and get a cab to the hospital
she had rape and upper torso contusions she lied to the doctor and said she fell in the
(16:43):
shower two weeks went by and she heard nothing from her abuser he then showed up at her apartment
and demanded to be let in he tried to break the locks she pressed her body to the door
and called the police he left when he heard her talking to them when they arrived they
discovered the worries to her landline had been caught she realised how unsafe she was
and filed for a restraining order in the following years it took her a long time to learn to
(17:08):
love herself again why had she let herself fall into this kind of relationship her spiritual
faith as well as friends and family helped her get through it during a pageant interview
years later she opened up about her story her family embraced her going public and her
mom and two brothers moved to the US while her father stayed in Trinidad she was founded
(17:30):
the love life now foundation to raise awareness and connect people with shelters she is a proud
wife and mother to two children I love that ending I think it's so beautiful I love that
her family embraced her going public and were supportive of her I think that's fantastic
(17:52):
and that makes me super super happy next is kenda's story kenda's abuse started shortly
after having surgery for an ectopic pregnancy she would come home from work and he would
be drinking he started accusing her of trying to get with his friends and of sleeping with
her manager he said it was because they weren't having sex like they used to she tried to explain
(18:14):
it was because of the pregnancy and she was depressed about losing their baby while he
celebrated the loss one night he threw her against the wall and choked her she remembered
thinking if she just loved him enough he'd stop one time in their bedroom he blocked
the door and wouldn't let her out he stood there and screamed at her she went to the
window to escape he grabbed her ankles and yanked her back inside causing her to hit
(18:37):
her chin on the windowsill and it burst open there was blood everywhere the neighbours
called the police as they heard the screaming she'd already cleaned up the blood by the
time they arrived they separated them for questioning but she told them they had just
had an argument he asked her to roll up her sleeves her arms were severely bruised the
other cop frisked her boyfriend he found marijuana and coughed him and took him to jail they
(19:02):
booked him for domestic abuse and possession he was out the next day and came straight
home he asked her if they were over and she proclaimed her love for him it wasn't long
before it started again they had taken in a homeless 12 year old boy he accused her of
sleeping with him he grabbed her threw her against the wall and started choking her the
(19:24):
boy ran away terrified she blacked out when she came to the apartment was empty it took
her forever to get to her feet and she called her parents she tried to talk but nothing
would come out her mother knew something was wrong and told her father to go to her he
showed up with the cops he was standing there with a gun in his hand asking where her boyfriend
was he asked her if she'd had enough yet and wanted out she said she was and he helped
(19:49):
her pack her things she had a difficult time being on her own she didn't know what to do
with all the time in her hands she had now but eventually she started learning how to
live her life again Adrian's story Adrian was alive at the party before she met him
he was the most charming person she'd ever met he'd never had a girlfriend before her
(20:12):
that should have been a red flag she fell hard and fast the first six months were amazing
but she didn't know he was sleeping with other women they were engaged for seven years but
never married she realized he had the ability to blame everything on her and to convince
her it was all her fault he could talk his way out of anything if she confronted him
(20:33):
about a lie he denied it he would make her feel crazy for ever thinking he was wrong
something inside her broke the first time he spit in her face she could see in his eyes
that her brokenness excited him it was one of his favorite things to do I think of all
things to do there's just something about spitting it's just so degrading it's disgusting
(21:01):
obviously but it's just like it really just shows that this person thinks you are absolutely
worthless to them he convinced her she was lucky to have him that no one else would want
a worthless failure like her it became a daily event she walked on eggshells to keep the
(21:23):
abuse to a minimum eggshells is something that you hear continually throughout stories
of domestic abuse it's definitely something that I know the feeling of I've mentioned
it to people when I describe it before I it's like you're literally just trying to almost
(21:44):
kind of hide yourself and quieten yourself just so they don't really pay attention to
you it's just the worst feeling the physical abuse soon escalated she was so scared of
him she didn't fight back because she knew he would kill her she could tell by the look
in his eyes as he choked her that he was capable of us he will watch the life leave
(22:08):
her eyes and then let go so she could gasp for air sometimes he would stand there holding
a gun she would be hysterical and then go numb there were times he would bend her over
the bed and do whatever he wanted with her even if she said to stop she wanted to disappear
there were times she thought she'd be better off dead he would threaten to hunt her down
and kill her if she ever left him she learned to put on a happy face so no one would know
(22:33):
the truth if someone knew it would make it real she thought if she could make everything
perfect things would get better clean the house cook the perfect meal don't say anything stupid
she was wrong nothing she did was ever good enough when she was six months pregnant with
her first child he fractured her ribs and ankle she had some friends take her to the
(22:54):
emergency room she had told him her dog knocked her down the stairs she would er hop so no
one would pick up the on the abuse the doctors would always ask her if she felt safe in her
home she would always lie and this is something too that I wanted to point out I don't know
if anyone has had this experience but I when I was in the emergency room last month and
(23:22):
they were doing my intake for him and they did ask me all of the you know domestic abuse
questions and I was really so happy to hear them ask that I think it's it's a great time
for people to be honest and you know open up to somebody and maybe like say and let
(23:45):
them know that like yeah maybe something isn't quite right but I just think it's a fantastic
thing that they do in hospitals and I hope that every hospital does it I'm not sure if
they do or not I know when I was in Ireland I definitely wasn't asked any of those questions
in the hospital but I think it's a really really great idea when her child was two he
(24:09):
used to try and protect her from his dad but when he would step in front of her he would
continue screaming even though his son was there it finally clicked with her that she
needed to leave one night when he called her to pick him up from a bar in the middle of
the night she loaded her two kids into the car and drove to the bar he was drunk and
mostly high on the drive home he grabbed her phone and tried to throw it out the window
(24:33):
he punched her in the face and jerked the wheel trying to run them off the road her
three year old started screaming daddy's trying to kill us over and over she stopped at his
friend's place and let him out of the car he stood yelling and cursing in the yard that
she was the one who made who had done this not him her oldest asked her what she had
done to make daddy so mad she knew they had to get out that is so sad to hear those poor
(24:56):
little kids saying that it took time to gain the courage to leave he kicked her and the
kids out like he had done many times before her mother drove drove 12 hours through the
night to pick her up as they were leaving he leaned into the kids and said they couldn't
see daddy anymore because mommy is bad for a few months after she desperately wanted
(25:17):
to go back to him she believes she couldn't be without him now she is aware of the strength
she has and the respect she deserves she married a great man she is determined to use the
hell she went through to help others Nicole's story Nicole's abuser was well known in their
community he coached children's sports teams they looked like a perfect family from the
(25:40):
outside a beautiful house nice cars and good jobs he wanted to control who she was with
and what she did while he could do whatever he wanted he would strategically put her down
in the form of jokes followed by I was just kidding and it won't happen again my ex used
to do this to me actually my my abusive ex used to do this to me and my ex before that
(26:04):
used to do that to me as well which I have mentioned before that there were definitely
some little patterns of abuse in that relationship too and it's just the worst thing like whatever
about if it is just joking legitimately just jokie jokie and like it's there's no abuse
and whatever and it's just like how your relationship is like to do it in front of other people
(26:24):
I feel like it's such like it's just like a low blow I don't think you should ever talk
bad you know about your partner when your partner is there and in front of like your friends
mutual friends their friends your friends whatever it is I just think it's horrible I've had people
do it in front of me before like other couples and I will always stick up for the person that
(26:45):
has been like made fun of because I just think it's a horrible feeling like whatever about
having you know little jokie things between yourselves or like you know the little stupid
annoying things that the other person just put like keep it in your own relationship
I hate it it just really really really bothers me she believed he would change every time
after a few years together they married and had two kids the emotional abuse was exacerbated
(27:09):
and the physical abuse began it started with him pushing her and throwing things at her
they were together for 19 years but the last year was the worst there were no more apologies
from him he enjoyed having power and control over her one day he became enraged when she
tried to leave the house he dragged her inside punched her choked her and held a gun to her
head he described all the ways he could kill her and anyone who tried to come to her rescue
(27:35):
when she finally told her mother she was shocked they came up with a plan and she fled with
her sons to her sister's place for two weeks while he was served with the protection order
she filed for divorce and he made it as difficult financially for her as he could he drained
every bank account they had transferred credit card debt to her and opened up new cards in
her name exactly like my ex did he threw away every pair of shoes she had leaving her only
(27:59):
one pair of shoes and boots the appliances she was allowed to take from the home had
disappeared except for the deep freeze which he had unplugged and so had ruined everything
in us every time they would get close to settling the divorce he would fire his attorney and
hire a new one it was his way of still trying to keep control of her and again this is a
huge reason why I keep saying people that say oh why doesn't the woman just leave him
(28:24):
if it's that bad blah blah blah blah blah like this is one of many many reasons why
like look at this hell that this woman is still being put through the pettiness it's
so hard and for some people it is just easier to stay in the relationship because you're
going through all of this stuff and then a lot of people you know this one was lucky
(28:47):
she had her mom her sister helping her out like a lot of people don't have family to
help them out they still had to share custody of the kids he made the exchanges as complicated
as possible she would pull up to get the kids and he would drive off with them he would
tell her to meet them at the gas station but not say which one even though she didn't tell
him where she had moved to he still had her social security number and so he called the
(29:11):
electrical company to obtain her address now I'm pretty sure I've spoken about this before
there are things that you can do to get your address blocked from anybody finding it and
I'm going to I know I've definitely mentioned it before but I'm going to find the company
(29:32):
that I used and I will add it to the bio of this episode if it not this episode then it
might be in the the main bio it just might take me a little bit because I have to go
through my paperwork because I know I still have their their card and everything but there
is like forms you can fill out where you can get your address blocked anything like that
(29:54):
so people can find out your information sorry about that guys that was my three year old
nephew calling me so I had to stop and answer him I wouldn't do that for anybody else he
started preschool today not sure how it went he was a little tired I think so there wasn't
(30:17):
much chat but yeah sorry about that anyways let's get back to it so he began stalking
her he threw a cigarette in her face after coming to her door she called the police and
he was arrested for domestic violence her son was also a victim when he was 10 his father
(30:39):
assaulted him because he wasn't going to make the wait for the football team he threatened
that if he told anyone he would come to their house and beat his mother with brass knuckles
and a baseball bat imagine the fear that that poor child would have like that's so disgusting
he said to the son that her face would look like raw hamburger meat when he was done with
(31:03):
her when she heard about it she called the police again but they said there was nothing
they could do it was her word against his there were 13 calls made to 911 which resulted
in only two arrests he continued to harass and threaten her he would say he would come
(31:24):
to her house when she was asleep and slit her throat that was his favorite threat he
would threaten throw acid in her face or disfigure her she started recording their conversations
finally he was arrested for aggravated assault and she was granted full custody without visitation
but he continued to stalk them he owed her 30k in child support but refused to pay us
(31:50):
a hearing was scheduled he demanded she sign off in the child support or he would kill
her she spoke with his parole officer and the plan was that when the next report was
made they would arrest him he fought off the officers and was missing for days during that
time he called her more than 95 times saying again he would kill her if she didn't sign
(32:10):
off he was found five days later that five days must have been absolute hell for this
poor woman when I say that these stories of men threatening to kill their partners their
former partners they are legit they should always be taken seriously she read her victim
(32:36):
impact statement during the hearing and the judge withdrew the original plea deal he had
agreed to this was her first win he was sentenced to 15 months to five years while in jail he
solicited an inmate to kill her for 50k two other inmates came forward saying he had bragged
that they would see him on the news after his release for killing his kids in front
(32:58):
of her and then torturing her to death the judge said there wasn't enough evidence for
a new trial but she fought it and the attorney general took her case he was sentenced to
13 to 35 years she now lobbies for change in legislation to protect victims of domestic
violence she has found healing and empowerment through her advocacy work and if you think
(33:24):
like and I find this with my situation too like that last story and how that ended up
and how he was after she left him might seem dramatic to most might seem like oh he's just
like a worse like angrier more dangerous abuser than your average abuser like I don't think
(33:49):
that that's true I think that every single abuser is capable of this type of violence
and these type of threats I think it can escalate to that point for any of them so any threat
like this should always always always always be taken really really seriously Gabby's story
(34:12):
Gabby met her abuser in 2011 she found him overwhelmingly attractive he said he had a
strong bond and love for his family he had a great sense of humour and was charming he
was very personable and likable to people he met she had no reason to think otherwise
she didn't find it odd that he asked if she had ever heard of him or know of his past
he told her about an incident with his ex-girlfriend at the time he was in court because of it she
(34:38):
was naive and thought he was being honest he won her over but really she was falling
into his trap four months into their relationship he started a year long stint in jail she stood
by him five months after his release she was held hostage for six days and abused in the
most sickest twisted and heinous ways one could imagine he accused her of being unfaithful
(35:01):
while he was in jail he hit her across the face of the back of his hand several times
he choked her he pulled her into the car by the hair while yelling at her he said he couldn't
stand her he beat her with a belt across her backside in the middle of the woods in broad
daylight he forcibly injected her with heroin for the majority of the week sometimes multiple
times a day he would call her a whore in a slot he said he was going to bring her body
(35:25):
to western massachusetts and no one would find us it was clear he was going to kill her she
was forced to perform sexual acts on his dog he filmed everything and used it as blackmail
he threatened her in every way he tried to get her to quit her job and move away from
her family and friends on the sixth day she went to work she couldn't hold it in and told
(35:49):
her boss who figured out a plan for her to go to the police he was found guilty the following
year after a three day trial and sentenced to only six years she chose to go public with
her story she started to meet with other survivors she continues to get stronger every day
and like that is so brave of that woman to come forward with like the acts that were
(36:14):
done to her that she was forced to do are so completely vile and heinous in this particular
case for her to come forward and tell her story publicly that is that woman is insanely
brave and I really really applaud her for that megan's story she was at his house one
(36:39):
evening when he first hit her they hadn't been arguing she was actually quietly studying
for an exam he started shouting at her then pinned her against the wall while calling
her names he said he would break her walls and that's such a kick that these abusers
get out of women too they just want to break you down his cheeks were red and his eyes
(36:59):
were filled with rage he sped at her she pushed him away and he punched her she remembers
feeling her skull shaking her glasses flew off then he started choking her she pushed
him away again which further enraged him he dragged her to the bedroom and threw her
on the bed he kept choking her and punching her arms and stomach he turned her around
(37:21):
pulled her arms behind her back and lifted her as if trying to break her back he kept
flipping her around and continued slapping her she went limp she went into shock at some
point he let go of her so she ran to the bathroom and locked herself inside she stayed there
for a couple of hours weeping she questioned if well educated women from good families
(37:43):
got hit he wept and told her it was a one time thing the second time he hit her was
four months later during an argument that was the first time she admitted to herself
he had a habit of hitting her she told his parents who used to say she was the daughter
they never had they spoke to him and then told her she deserved it and that she shouldn't
have provoked him he continued to hit her for the next five years she didn't tell anyone
(38:08):
else about it out of a display sense of loyalty to him she didn't want to want them to hate
the man she loved she felt like he would see her love and would change her love was stronger
than their pain she started feeling like there was something wrong with her to make a man
want to hit her she was believing all of the things he had said about her her friends told
her she looked miserable she didn't even want to live anymore she finally left him one night
(38:33):
when he wouldn't let her cross her access her pads after she'd gotten her period it
was as if a veil had been lifted she moved back to India and began taking up the cause
for abused women in her country two years after she left she was happy again
she was sitting on the sofa nursing her son when she heard him pull into the driveway
(38:57):
like so many other days she had a nervous feeling in her stomach what mood was he going
to be in he said hello to their daughter and went to shower she saw her daughter's head
peek up after a while looking above and behind her as she still nursed her son her daughter's
eyes were big and fearful he came charging out of the bedroom he put his arm around
(39:18):
her neck from behind her son screamed she tried to remove his arm while still trying
to protect her baby son she shouted at her daughter to run to her room she managed to
get out of the headlock grabbed her phone and ran to her daughter's room locking the
door she died nine on one he started kicking out the door no one was answering the phone
then the door swung open she told her daughter to run to the neighbors to get help he went
(39:42):
after her so she panicked and ran after him he grabbed their daughter and held her back
then Michelle ran to the back door he looked confused as he wondered who to go after first
he let go of their daughter who ran out the door and across the yard she heard voices
approaching the house it was the neighbors the fear in her daughter's eyes that day
made her realise she had to leave him maybe they wouldn't be so lucky next time she had
(40:06):
no family around and knew she needed a job he threatened that she would never have anything
she struggled at first and never let her guard down there was always something harassing phone
calls hundreds of texts her daughter saying she saw his car nearby he would follow them
drive by their house she never felt safe one morning she stayed home while her mother came
(40:27):
by to take her daughter to school there was a noise at the back door it was him he was
trying to break down the door there was a police officer with him he had tried to convince
him that he lived in her house afterwards her neighbor told her they would often see
him coming and going from the house so he had assumed that he also lived there it turned
(40:48):
out he had been hiding in her attic that is so creepy after that day everything changed
she was no longer scared she was angry she became a fighter she got an order of protection
although she would still look over her shoulder her life became so much better she is now safe
(41:08):
and secure with the new husband Alejandra's story the extravagant gifts and surprise romantic
gestures only lasted a few months and turned to escalated arguments threatening behavior
and vulgar screams he claimed these outbursts were due to a troubled upbringing where he
was abandoned only she could help him overcome it her terror was heightened when he purchased
(41:30):
a handgun he began using it as a way to manipulate her he pointed to his head to end an argument
during one drunk a night he nearly choked her he kicked her as she curled into a ball
on the floor her head hitting the wall over and over she was certain she wouldn't make
it out alive it again ended with him holding the gun to his head pleading for forgiveness
(41:51):
she left him over a week later she did everything you're supposed to do she never spoke to him
again filed charges got a restraining order moved out with a police escort by her side
and reported each point of contact he made she thought it was finally the end in reality
the journey had just begun going through the legal process proved to be the most difficult
(42:13):
part she dived into books to learn about domestic violence knowledge was empowering she began
seeing a therapist she went to trial but no amount of evidence was enough for the jury
and he was found not guilty she felt defeated by the year long process then her dad said
something that changed her life you're not going to let what's on a piece of paper determine
(42:35):
the value of the rest of your life are you she learned she was unbreakable and now walks
tall and proud so that is it for today short and sweet hopefully I will be recovered next
(42:55):
week and can do a longer episode I have some exciting stuff coming up I'm currently working
on an episode that is probably gonna be like a three parter by the rate it's going it's
an episode story that I thought that I would never cover but something I read recently
(43:16):
it just made me really determined to do it I'll let you guys guess what's going to be
it's probably not going to be out for a long time to be honest because it's taking a lot
of work there's a lot of information on it and I want to get it as right as possible
and I want to do the timeline as closely as possible and honestly it's a little traumatic
(43:39):
so I'm taking a lot of breaks in between it because I find when I'm working on it for
a little bit it just upsets me and I just need a little break so yeah I'm gonna leave
it there I'll be back in two weeks with another episode thank you guys for listening as always
and you know again feel free to reach out to me online at mangogs are all my socials
(44:05):
ask ipvme for the podcast and please rate on any platform you listen to the ratings
really really really really really help me and at the hotline.org if you need any help
all the links again are in the bio thank you so much for listening I will talk to you again
(44:29):
in two weeks so excited love you lots bye
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