When To Give In and When To Stand Firm with Special Guest Amy Kalasunas

One of the more common questions parents ask is when do I give in and when do I stand firm.  Todays special guest speaker is an expert on this question. Amy Kalasunas is a board certified Dialectic Behavior Therapist who, among other things, provides interventions for parents of struggling and complex young adults using DBT and SPACE, which stands for Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions.  We talk all about how parents can make an effective decision as to when to accommodate to their child’s big emotions and intense behaviors and when it's not effective.

Time Stamps

15:05  Six ways that parents accommodate

1. To avoid the big emotions and the intense behaviors
2. When life goes on. The parent has to deal with their lives as they are and they can’t deal with the consequences of setting a limit
3. Parents have their own history - their own childhood experiences which impact their current parenting 
4. When parents fear or are simply affected by the social judgments
5. When not accommodating may lead to self-harming behaviors or Suicidal Ideation

19:35 How to decide whether or not to accommodate

1. Do I have the bandwidth?
2. Does my child know that I am going to do this
3. Can my child do what I am asking?

22:25  Explanation of Three States of Mind - wise mind, emotion mind, reasonable mind

30:05 SPACE redefines what it means to support your child

1. Validate
2. Express confidence that they will be ok
3. Stop talking - Put a period after #2 (kids are master debaters)
4. Resist the urge to solve the problem
5. Be a Broken record

34:00  Aim lower:  Slice the salami thinner and set smaller realistic expectations

Leslie-ism:  Check in with yourself about your own bandwidth when dealing with your child.

Resources:  

Amy Kalasunas Website 

DIalectic Behavior Therapy Resources DBTSelfHelp.com

Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions - SPACE Website

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.