June 26, 2025 • 41 mins
What if you could transform the harshest critic you'll ever face—the voice inside your own head? In this deeply insightful conversation, attorney-turned-coach Arlene Cohen Miller shares powerful strategies for shifting your inner dialogue from destructive criticism to supportive coaching.
Research suggests we have between 7,000-20,000 thoughts daily, with an astonishing 80% being negative. This constant internal criticism keeps many of us stuck, unable to pursue dreams like writing a book, leaving toxic relationships, or changing careers. Arlene reveals this negative self-talk isn't something to feel guilty about—it often stems from childhood survival mechanisms or inherited family patterns.
The most transformative approach she shares is beautifully simple: treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. We already possess the skills to nurture, support, and champion others—we simply need to redirect that compassion inward. When negative thoughts arise, ask yourself, "If my friend came to me with these thoughts, how would I respond?" This shift doesn't happen overnight, but with practice, you can gradually transform your relationship with yourself.
Arlene emphasizes the importance of boundaries, particularly with people whose negative energy diminishes your wellbeing. The five people you spend the most time with significantly influence your mindset. She also recommends beginning each day mindfully rather than immediately consuming news or social media, which can flood you with negativity before you've even started your day.
For those struggling with persistent negative self-talk, Arlene offers a powerful reframing technique. When you catch yourself thinking negatively, tell yourself, "That's not like me. I'll do better next time." When you respond positively to situations, affirm, "That's more like me. I'll have more of that." This gentle nudging helps build a foundation of self-compassion that can transform how you experience every aspect of life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Cassandra (00:00):
Good day out there to all of my listeners and I'd
like to welcome you to Is yourWay In your Way podcast, and I'm
your host.
My name is CassandraCrawley-Mayo, and, for those new
listeners out there, I'd liketo share with you what this
podcast is all about.
It's for those individuals whoare stuck.
You know within your heart ofhearts that there's something
(00:22):
that you know you should bedoing, but you can't seem to get
out of your way in doing so.
Let me give you some examples.
Perhaps somebody wants to be anauthor, they want to write a
book, maybe they are in a toxicrelationship and they need to
get out.
Or you know what?
I've been in this job for quitesome time and I know it's time
for me to leave, but I justcan't do it and just try to
(00:45):
think of the things why you'renot able to do that, and that's
why I like to bring on gueststhat we talk about topics
related to what I call personalimprovement, personal growth,
some of this businessimprovement, business growth,
and I always pray that therewill be a podcast of mine that
(01:06):
you will listen to, where youwill have an epiphany and you
will know right then and thereokay, this is what I need Now.
I know I'm stuck.
Now I'm unstuck and I'm readyto start living my best life on
my terms.
So today we have a guest by thename of Arlene Cohen Miller,
(01:27):
and let me introduce Arlene andI'll tell you what our topic is.
Well, hello Arlene, how are youtoday?
Arlene (01:33):
I'm great Lovely to be here.
Cassandra (01:36):
Thank you, I'm glad you're here.
Our topic today is empower yourinner voice from critic to
coach.
Now, we know we all have aninner voice.
I've read and done someresearch.
Sometimes they say we have7,000 thoughts a day.
I've read something where theysay we had 20,000.
So, whatever, we have a lot ofthoughts a day and they also say
(01:58):
80% of those thoughts arenegative.
So this will be very, I think,a very interesting conversation
to talk about in regards tobeing a critic, from critic to
coach.
And before we get started and Idelve into the questions for
Arlene to Arlene, I want toshare a little bit about her
(02:23):
history so that you have alittle background on her, so you
will understand a bit wellperhaps, why she's qualified to
talk about this topic.
Who brings a wealth of trainingand experience to help women
compassionately andwholeheartedly lead themselves
(02:48):
and create the life they desire,a life that works and feels
right to them.
She is a professional certifiedcoach with the International
Coaching Federation and she isalso an AV-rated Colorado
attorney and a certifiedmeditation facilitator with a
(03:09):
diploma in transformationalholistic counseling from
Australia.
And what I'd like to ask, and Iintended to ask you before, in
the beginning of ourconversation before we came on
what is an AB rated?
Arlene (03:24):
Colorado attorney.
It's the highest rated ratingthat you can get, so I've worked
hard for it and I kept it.
I'm still licensed to practicein Colorado because it does
contribute to you know what Ican do for people and yeah,
that's what it is.
Cassandra (03:40):
So what type of attorney, what did you practice?
Yeah, that's what it is.
Arlene (03:47):
So what type of attorney ?
What did you practice?
I practiced two kinds of lawthe first 12 years.
Well, when I first started off,I was working for other
attorneys and the first attorneysolo practitioner I worked for
did family law, domesticrelations and also helped
businesses to collect theirdebts, and so I ended up doing
both of those things to collecttheir debts and so I ended up
doing both of those things.
(04:08):
When I went out on my own whenI was 29, I primarily focused on
family law and so I was doingdivorce and dissolutions of
marriage and child custody, andI was also appointed by the
court to be a guardian ad litem.
That means I represented thechildren in divorces where the
parents were not very functionalyou know, they're one or both
were involved in alcohol ordrugs or parenting skills that
(04:31):
were not up to what the courtfelt was in the best interest of
the child.
Cassandra (04:37):
And.
Arlene (04:37):
I was really young when I started all of that.
You know I was 29 when, Istarted out on my own and I grew
up in the suburbs of Louisville, kentucky, in a pretty stable,
loving family environment and Ihad never been exposed to that.
And you do get some training inlaw school, but a lot of the
training in the law is on theground and I ended up switching
(04:58):
to commercial law after 12 years.
I just didn't have the skillsand abilities I do now to take
care of myself in that kind ofenvironment, and so for the rest
of the time I helped businessescollect their debts, which is a
little bit stressful, but it'snot the same as people in those
kind of deals.
Cassandra (05:17):
Right, that's very different, right?
Yeah, I read somewhere that oneof your goals or aspirations I
don't know if you were 12 yearsold or but you were young and
you knew that you wanted to bean attorney what inspired you to
want to do that?
You know I get asked thatquestion a lot.
Arlene (05:37):
I was 15 and it's just like I felt like I had this down
lowing of no, now down lowingof knowing that you need to be
an attorney, and I'm like, okay,that sounds pretty cool,
because I knew that I would beable to take care of myself.
And I thought, well, I canreally be of service to people
in a profound way if I am in thepractice of law.
Cassandra (05:59):
Okay.
Arlene (06:00):
So I just decided and I told my mom and dad I don't know
if they believed me at 15, butI just share that with them and
I follow through.
Cassandra (06:08):
Wow, that's.
That's very impressive, becausea lot of us at that age we're
not quite sure what it is thatwe want to do.
You know, like people say, whatdo you want to do?
When you grow up and I alwaysremember that question I'm like
I don't know.
Arlene (06:26):
But while you were special, you kind of knew what
it was that you wanted to do.
I don't know if I was special,I just sort of, you know, got
this really strong feeling and Ijust followed it.
Cassandra (06:30):
Awesome, awesome.
Call that intuition right.
Yeah, let me ask you now.
You pivoted.
You were an attorney and andobviously congratulations for
your av rated status andsomething there was something
that said you know what I wantto do?
A different type of work.
(06:52):
I think I want to be awork-life balance and human
coach or something.
Do harmony coach.
What inspired you to changesomething that you've always
wanted?
You even changed, um, not thepractices, so to speak, the
things that you were working on,but why, what?
(07:13):
What prompted the change to,even though you're still an
attorney, but you're notpracticing, right, right, so
what?
What was it that led you towant that, to change?
Arlene (07:28):
People ask me that, but it was like it wasn't like a big
aha moment like my, my decisionto practice law.
It happened over time.
One of the things in mybackground is I started my own
solo practitioner practice whenI was 29 in a suburb of a
western suburb of Cleveland,ohio called Lakewood.
There was two other, it was astorefront office.
(07:49):
There was two other attorneys.
There was an employment agency.
Another guy came in later whodid collections, which was
really interesting.
He sold collection packages tobusinesses and I began
partnering with him, but I putout my shingle.
It was very different than wedid.
We didn't have all thecomputers that we have now at
all and I immediately found outI was pregnant.
(08:10):
So I graduated and my thenhusband and I were both from
Louisville, kentucky, so all ofour family was there and we were
six hour drive away and all mypeers from law school were in
Kentucky or right across theOhio River in Indiana or Ohio
practicing, so I didn't havethem there.
(08:31):
I really didn't have my tribearound me.
And there weren't any kind ofcoaches like what I do now.
There were counselors, therewere psychologists, and I did
end up delving into that alittle bit, but they really
didn't have the skills and toolsto help me form a tribe and do
what I needed.
I really sort of needed a coachand so it was just.
(08:51):
It was an interesting journey.
You know.
it wasn't easy to be a mom witha beginning business and a
partner that was working 70hours a week and wasn't was
there financially for me butwasn't there in person really
very much of the time, and so Ireally had like a really strong
empathetic and compassionateconnection with women from that,
(09:13):
and that's one of the bases ofhow I got to where I am right
now.
Cassandra (09:19):
What?
Ok, why work life balance?
I mean because you're doing atransformational, healing,
mentoring.
Why did you select work lifebalance and that term to me?
I heard it a lot and I used toalways say it when I was at
corporate.
I'm like I need a work lifebalance.
(09:40):
First of all, what is work lifebalance?
Arlene (09:44):
Well, I add the word harmony there for a reason, okay
, because balance sort of feelslike scales of justice to me,
right.
Cassandra (09:50):
And that's sort of impossible.
Arlene (09:52):
That implies we need to find a perfect something and
then we place all theseexpectations on ourselves that
aren't going to be helpful.
But when you add harmony intoit, you bring in that
flexibility and adaptabilitythat we need in life full stop,
because things are always kindof moving and changing and
shifting in our lives so that wehave to be flexible and
adaptable with what happens.
(10:13):
And I really feel that thetransformational mentoring and
the meditation and the work-lifebalance and harmony we just
either kind of.
The reason my um company'scalled dual consultancy is that
it feels like they're alldifferent sides of the diamond,
you know, and so they're notdifferent.
They're just different ways ofapproaching problems or issues
(10:37):
that we have to have aresolution, and some ways
they're going to work for somepeople and some ways they're
going to work for others, butthey're all really part of the
same sort of jam.
Cassandra (10:47):
Hmm, OK, let's talk about how the inner voice plays
into that.
When we talk about from thecritic to the coach, that's
that's, that's a shift.
But let's talk about the innervoice a bit.
What the inner voice Now?
(11:09):
Remember I had said some peoplesay it's 2,000 thoughts a day.
22,000 thoughts a day, why isthat so important?
Arlene (11:20):
Well, I don't know how many thoughts a day we have, but
it really does help with themeditation and coming back to
our inner source, knowing andnot trying to find answers on
the outside and being reallygrounded and fully present in
our body in this now moment.
So we're not worrying about thefuture or overwhelmed about the
future or feeling bad or evenjust reminiscing about the past.
(11:44):
But we're right here.
Um, it's just a fact of lifethat most people have all those
thoughts.
I think if you meditate, if youfind ways to get it out in
nature, you can slow that downconsiderably.
But where it feels like it'sgenetically passed on from
generation to generation to haveall these kind of negative
thoughts, if I look at my mom,if I look at my grandmother
(12:05):
about you know, not that theywere negative people, but how
they sort of talked tothemselves and shared things
with me and you know they weregreat parents and great people.
But you know, it just felt likethat to me and so it just really
feels like it's and it's alearned behavior, you know.
For maybe the way we have ourparents or the way we go to
school, the way our teachersinteract with us, you know all
(12:28):
kinds of things come up where wehear this stuff, where we take
it on and we make it somethingnegative about ourselves or
something negative to focus on.
So, basically, if not that it'swrong, but maybe the way that
we've talked to ourselves is theway that we survived as a child
, or maybe that we moved forwardas a child is not something to
(12:48):
judge ourselves about, but it'snot really working because what
we focus on is what we get moreof.
So it's really important tofocus on what we want to move
towards, what we want to createin our lives, while at the same
time not ignoring our feelings,Because if we really feel our
feelings and just let them movethrough us and not get stuck in
them and keep on focusing onthem, but focus on what we're
(13:10):
aligned to or choosing to movetowards, we're going to have a
different experience.
Cassandra (13:15):
What about?
Like my listeners some of mylisteners, for example they do
want to switch jobs, they wantto do something different and
internally, they are strugglingwith some limiting beliefs.
You know, like I can't.
(13:36):
I can't do that, or I don'tknow if I have the capacity.
Well, I still have children,young children, and I want to
make sure that I'm actuallythey're my priority, make sure
that I'm I'm actually they're mypriority.
So I don't want to shift thefamily by me making a move, or
how, how do you work with peoplethat are, um, well, in other
words, how to discuss shiftingthat inner critic yeah.
Arlene (14:02):
Well, I think one of the easiest to turn around, to
begin to turn around that innercritic into an inner coach,
especially for women.
We are very empathetic you knowwe really are the nurturers.
So if our friend came to us andstarted telling us everything
that we were thinking and allthose negative thoughts and we
didn't know what we wanted to do, we would be there for our
(14:23):
friend.
We would be there for theperson that we loved thinking
and all those negative thoughtsand we didn't know what we
wanted to do.
We would be there for ourfriend.
We would be there for theperson that we loved.
We would share, we wouldsupport them, we would nurture
them, we would be there for them, we would champion them, we
just would.
And the thing is so, we alreadyhad those skills and abilities.
But what we forget is that wecan just turn around and give
those same things to ourselvesand at first that might feel
(14:44):
like, oh my God, that's naughty,you know.
But once we, you know, practicemakes permanent.
So if we start practicing, whenwe hear that negative self-talk
, if I was my own best friend,what would I be telling myself
now?
How would I be championingmyself?
How would I be nurturing myself?
How would I be supportingmyself?
If I really had my head spacethe dark place, how would I use
(15:08):
that tough love to help getmyself out of it so that I can
make a decision from the heartof where to from here.
Cassandra (15:17):
So so what you said was think about when you have
these thoughts and you're goingthrough these certain life
eruptions or whatever, you startthinking, talking to yourself,
or either think, how would Ispeak with my best friend about
(15:38):
that?
Now, when you are surroundedand I think of the world today,
it's a lot of energy.
Energy to me is justunbelievable.
It is just a powerful.
You can have positive energy oryou can have negative energy,
and and when you are confrontedor surrounded by that because
(16:04):
those are the things too thatcould have you thinking,
stinking thinking you know, well, I don't, I don't know, you
know it's just, you know it'sjust trying to separate yourself
from that.
How would one do that?
Because it's happening a lotmore lately.
You know people like I don'tknow about this, and you know
(16:26):
people, many people, are not ina good space right now.
How can they get in that space?
A?
Arlene (16:34):
better space.
You've raised a reallyimportant problem and I don't
know if there's a magic fairydust solution for it, because
the the five most importantpeople in your life, the people
that you surround yourself with,that is, those are the people
you're going to become more likefull stop.
So if you have negative andtoxic people around you that are
telling you all the things thatyou can't do, you're going to
(16:55):
be flooded with their energy andit's going to be difficult to
let that move through and letthat go.
I mean, sometimes they'refamily that you have to distance
yourself from, because maybeyou have a narcissistic parent
or someone that's just notsupportive.
Maybe it's some friends thatused to be really good friends,
but the more you're around them,the more toxic they become and
(17:15):
drag you down, because maybeyou're evolving and growing and
changing and people think thatthat's wrong.
But as we change and grow, wewant to surround ourselves with
like minded people who are goingto uplift and support us the
way we're going to support them.
And you know it's a differentsituation if you are in a toxic
job situation.
In a toxic job situation, youknow if there's a way that you
(17:40):
can change it by how you act andwhat you do, and maybe there's
a way to move laterally or to adifferent position within a
company.
That's a possibility.
But it's not a good thing forour mental, physical, emotional
and spiritual health to be undera toxic boss.
So I don't have a magicsolution, but we can make those
decisions and I think we canjust gradually move away from
(18:02):
those kind of people.
But it's really not a good idea, even if they're your family.
Even if they're your family.
Cassandra (18:10):
Excuse me, arlene, you've not met Max.
Max is the dog.
A lot of my listeners haveheard him and sometimes you
don't hear from him, but nowit's something about your voice
that he wants to come in and seewho I'm talking with.
That's all right, that's fine.
I just want to acknowledge thatfor those new listeners too,
(18:30):
and I apologize for that.
That's all right.
Yeah, you know I'm thinkingabout some things and people who
have been in my life and youknow, as you indicated, you know
we're always there for them,you know that that are having a
tough time.
And then it came a time whenI'm like I can't talk right now.
(18:51):
You know, it's kind of like aboundary, you know, and I know
you're big on boundaries as well, but there are times when it's
not that I don't love them, butit's just not a good time for me
to talk, and once I get backinto my space and fill my cup,
then I will reach out to them.
So how, or is that a boundaryone set, or is there any other
(19:25):
ways that you could removeyourself from those?
Like you indicated, jobs can betough.
Family can be tough.
Are there any other ways thatyou've experienced?
Arlene (19:31):
Well, I think you know that's what you're giving.
There's two points there.
Cassandra (19:48):
I think you know that's what you're giving.
Arlene (19:49):
There's two points there .
Number one if someone's justcoming to you to dump all their
negativity in their energy fieldor to pump up a flat tire, but
they boundaries are, I have thisgolden bubble of protection
around me.
It's filled with love.
I'm going to fill myself upwith love.
I can share the overflow of mylove with you.
But it's not okay to dump in myfield because that drags you.
It's not helping the otherperson.
Because they came in here.
(20:10):
They have certain lessons tolearn and if we're taking on
their toxic, stuff're going tobe dragged down, they're only
going to be pumped up for alittle bit and they're not going
to be learning the lessons thatthey need to learn to evolve
and to grow, and if so, we needto.
I just have really clear,strong and appropriate
boundaries with that.
That's.
That's not okay okay um, um.
(20:32):
But you know another thing whatwe can do to be more ready is is
what you already touched on isthat we need to be every day
filling our cup up with love andsharing that overflow with
other people.
Because, otherwise, whathappens is that we let other
people drain our energy.
It becomes an empty cup.
We become frustrated and angryand overwhelmed and we might
(20:57):
lash out at another person thenwe feel guilty about it.
And then we engage in doormatand that kind of behavior of
giving, giving, giving, and wego through that cycle again,
when we actually do things tolove and nurture ourselves,
whatever that is for you, andour cup is filled up with love.
We're not going to go throughthat cycle.
We are going to feel better.
And the people that we interactwith are going to see a real
(21:20):
difference and experience usmuch more positively as well.
Cassandra (21:24):
Yes, that's good, I definitely.
I'm glad you reiterated allthat because I wanted my
listeners to hear that, eventhough you guys have been
friends for a while.
But if it's draining, you knowyou have to kind of let go so
that your cup can get full,because that's important for
your wellbeing.
Now, yeah, you also do thatsoul reading and group soul
(21:50):
readings.
Tell me about that.
Arlene (21:54):
Tell us about it.
Well, I got trained I don'tknow maybe eight years ago.
I always could do like readingsfor people without I've always
been really empathic, intuitiveand sensitive and I tend to
attract those kind of people tome.
But I'm not a psychic, you know, I'm not reading you, but what
I, what I can do, is I can heartconnect with people and I love
working with the cards because,you know, we can be visual.
(22:15):
It's visual, it's auditory,it's kinesthetic, it's a feeling
kind of thing.
I can help dig out the cards forthe person by just being a
conduit over the, you know, overa computer or the phone, and I
share opportunities that areavailable, obstacles and
challenges that could presentand ways that they can move
forward.
It's very like, very much likeone-on-one mentoring, but a lot
(22:38):
of people get so much more outof it because we're doing it
together.
We're both making cards andit's visual, it's auditory, it's
recorded, it's something theycan work with for maybe two or
three months and it's just, it'sa different way to experience
mentoring.
Um, that can be really, thatcan touch people in a way that
maybe the other ways can't.
So I love doing it.
(22:59):
It's really, really fun and Ifind it's really.
It's really.
It helps me with the peoplethat's like you're talking about
.
They can't seem to get beyond acertain place because they can
continue to work with therecording for two or three
months as they ponder how, whereto from here.
Cassandra (23:17):
So you use cards, is that what?
Arlene (23:20):
you said yeah, go ahead again.
They're called psychic tarotoracle cards.
And basically it's just an easyway to connect with a person
about what they need and whatthey're looking for and stuff
like that.
But it's not like I'm going totell you if you're going to get
(23:41):
a man or not or what's happeningin business.
But if they put that energy outthere, you know I want to know
about relationships, I want toknow about you know moving, or I
want to know about this job I'min or whatever it is.
Usually because it's a soulsoul reading, not a personality
to personality reading, somehowthe information will come out.
It won't be like do this orthat, but what's the what,
(24:03):
what's the energy of the card?
Share with cheers through mewill give them that sort of
feeling about where to from hereand then it's up to them wow,
interesting.
Cassandra (24:13):
So you do one-on-one and you do group.
Arlene (24:18):
Yes, I do.
Now, a group is is like what I.
I've been invited to a lot ofparties like business parties
and celebrations, and sometimesyou know friends are all scared
and two or three will come atonce and listen to each other.
I could do a group, but usuallywhat people want is just to
know about themselves.
But sometimes different friendscome together and want to
support each other, or a couplewant to be together to hear the
(24:40):
other person.
As long as they're consentingadults or an adult is there with
a child, it's fine.
I can still do that for them.
Cassandra (24:48):
Okay, Okay.
Now I want to talk about thisinner voice.
So is it that you, as youindicated in your mind, as we
said, we don't know how manythoughts, but we have them and
the negative thoughts, so you,so is it that all of a sudden,
you're like I'm not having agood day today?
(25:12):
And then the thing well, whyaren't you having a good day?
I don't know, I'm just kind ofhaving a blonde day, you know.
So things like that.
How would you coach that?
Arlene (25:24):
critical.
Well, I think it's reallyimportant.
Well, of course, I can't changeanyone.
I can only, you know, holdspace for them as empowering
questions, share reflections andinsights and what I'm noticing
about them, or what I'mintuitively feeling, and handing
it to them and see what theywant to do with it.
But one way that we can beginto take that next step forward
(25:45):
is to just choose to be aware.
I found that when I was in my20s, I had all this negative
stuff going on and I thoughtthat the way to share with my
girlfriends was just to tellthem all the horrible things
that were happening in my life.
That's how we bonded and once webecome aware of what's going on
and how we're talking toourselves, that helps to
(26:06):
de-energize that inner critic,full stop.
To begin with, we can begin towork with our inner coach from
there.
Cassandra (26:13):
Okay, all right.
So, in other words, don't pushthe feelings down, don't just
just be aware of it, because alot of people don't want to feel
that way.
So then they get upset becausethey're feeling that way, you
know, yeah.
Arlene (26:28):
What I found is I used to do that too and it can cause
all kinds of physical problems.
I used to have horribleheadaches and digestive issues.
It can make your mind feelreally frenetic and stuff like
that.
And then, if I really wasn'tlistening to my inner coach
which is God or source, whateveryou want to talk about I ended
up in my 30s really feeling likeI got whacked by a two-by-four
(26:51):
and I was on the floor with whatwas going on in my life because
I wasn't feeling my feelings.
And the thing is that ifthey're just feelings and
they're just things that arecoming up to move through us and
to be loved, I look at them ashow old is this part of me
inside of me?
How old is Arlene here?
She eight, she 10, she 12, she22.
(27:13):
And I turn around and I knowthat I've neglected or abandoned
that bit of me or she's gottenstuck somewhere because
something that happened.
And I turn around and I love her.
I you know we know how to love,you know how to love kids.
We can just turn around andlove and hug and say I'm sorry,
it wasn't fair.
I'll be there now and help tode-energize and let them know
(27:36):
that their feelings are valid.
It's a part of us that we havesaid you're not okay, it's not
okay to have these feelings.
And maybe you know we were toldwhen we were growing up that it
wasn't okay to be really angryor to be really upset.
So we've squashed stuff down.
Cassandra (27:52):
But when?
Arlene (27:52):
we feel it and we let it move through us and then
welcome in more love to fill upthose spaces.
We're going to start to feeldifferent.
Cassandra (28:01):
Right, and you talked about the being the inner coach
.
Can can upgrade your experienceof life.
Arlene (28:11):
Is that right?
Yeah, ok, I feel so.
I mean I, I really, becausewhat we're doing is we're
nurturing and supportingourselves instead of beating
ourselves and cutting ourselvesdown and contracting and being
small.
We can be much more expandedand more loving if we are
focusing on and working with ourinner coach, acknowledging when
the inner critic is there andthen doing something about it.
(28:32):
And it's a process.
It's not a perfect, and that'swhat I was saying.
I'm a work in progress and I'mgrateful to be here.
Cassandra (28:42):
Yeah, I get that.
So am I.
So I guess what you're sayingall of that can help individuals
with anxiety that they haveoverwhelm, burnout, while
building the confidence andself-esteem to embrace the
positive changes.
(29:02):
Right, okay, all right.
I hear a lot about every day.
I hear about gratitude and howgratitude affects our ability to
coach and nurture ourselves.
Let's talk a little bit aboutgratitude.
(29:24):
So, if you know I don't knowwhether in the morning, arlene
like how does your day start?
Is that important for the restof your day?
You think you know.
Like you start out like OK, I'ma turn on the news, like how
did your day start?
(29:44):
What do you do?
Arlene (29:46):
I don't understand why people turn on the TV when they
first get up because there's somuch toxicity out there.
No, I'll do some meditation.
I'll do some like protectionand clearing of my energy field.
I might watch something that'sinspiring or uplifting, I might
work with affirmations, but Ireally feel like you know, how
we start our day is veryimportant, and we can start our
(30:09):
day so easy, with gratitude.
It's like, oh man, I love this.
I don't know if I want to get up.
I really this is a comfortablebed and we take a hot shower,
maybe in the morning, and wejust really take the time to
appreciate it and enjoy it.
You know, maybe whatever we eatfor breakfast, we really just
love it, because when we putlove into our food, it's going
to nurture our body so much more.
(30:30):
I would never, ever, turn onthe news when I first get up.
I just find that would bereally abrasive and I really
feel it's a wonderful way tostart our day.
Even if we only have fiveminutes of self-care, whatever
it is, it's going to make adifference, even if we're just
saying affirmations to ourselvesand doing our best to feel them
(30:50):
, as we're loving our food andmaking our breakfast and taking
care of our kids.
We need to give to ourselveswhat we give to other people.
Cassandra (30:59):
Right, right, you know this to me is, and I
learned this.
I grew up like this, but I'mfinding, now that I'm more
mature, how helpful it is when Iget up and make my bed.
It's something about me gettingup doing my other things my
(31:21):
meditation, my devotions butit's like when I make my bed,
it's kind of like oh, Iaccomplished one thing.
It's neat in here, it's someorder.
Arlene (31:33):
Yeah.
Cassandra (31:34):
Find something like what do you, what do you think
about that?
Arlene (31:37):
That's the I.
I love making my bed we have.
We have an affinity therebecause once I make it I'm
looking over, I mean anyway,it's right there and I can see
it and it's just it's like, wow,that just looks so nice with
the pillows there and it feelsall organized, and years ago I
studied feng shui and there issomething to really say about if
(31:59):
you have a lot of clutter andstuff around you, how it just
brings everything down.
But when you sort of organize it, it's sort of neat.
You don't have to be perfect,it does feel so much better.
So little things like that makea huge difference, I feel.
Cassandra (32:14):
Yeah, ok, I'm not alone in this.
I'm like, oh, I just feel sogood when I do that, and I know
people that just when they go tobed, it's like it was when they
were in the bed.
I'm like, how can they do that?
But that's just me, so I'm gladI'm not alone.
What I'd like for us to do nowis you gave a lot of.
(32:38):
I'd like us to reiterate whatsome of the strategies that my
listeners can use to cultivatemindfulness and resilience,
enabling them to transcendself-imposed barriers and lead
to a more balanced andfulfilling life.
(33:00):
Let's just kind of go over someof those strategies.
Arlene (33:03):
I'd like to give some simple tools, because one of the
things that I use if I saysomething, then I go whoa,
that's not positive, that's notuplifting.
I always say or I make amistake, you know, because
mistakes we can reframe mistakesto be opportunities to learn
and grow.
My mistakes are opportunitiesand not an opportunity to beat
(33:25):
ourselves up.
So if I say something that'snot positive or I make a mistake
, I always affirm to myselfthat's not like me, that's not
who I am.
You know, it's something I did,it's something I said and I'll
do better next time.
If I do something that'spositive, uplifting, or I'm
talking to myself positively, oreven sharing that love
(33:47):
positively with myself or others, I'll tell myself that's more
like me.
I'll have more of that.
So it's a really simple way totalk to ourselves, to affirm, as
we're working through this,because it takes practice,
that's turning a ship aroundthis, then going into that
negative ocean, into thatpositive ocean and so it's going
to take that practice Like ifwe're an athlete and we wanted
(34:09):
to run a half marathon orsomething we can't just go out
and do it.
So we just really have to givethe time to notice that and to
acknowledge in ourselves thatwe're building that new firm
foundation of positivity andinner coach within ourselves,
and every all those little stepsforward are important to
(34:30):
acknowledge them every day.
Cassandra (34:33):
That's good because I'm thinking about you, made me
think about social media.
Mm, hmm, that's good becauseI'm thinking about you made me
think about social media and Idid a little a post the other
day or story, to say, hey guys,I have an addiction.
Have you ever had an addiction?
You know, it's not fun, it'sreal.
And mine is social media, youknow, and I scroll through it
(34:54):
and I scroll through it and Iscroll through it and half an
hour is gone, you know.
And I scrolled through it and Iscrolled through it and I
scrolled through it and half anhour was gone, you know.
Then I scrolled through it.
So I like that.
So when I, what I said I wasgoing to do was fast from, I'm
not going to even look at socialmedia, right.
But then I'm thinking, based onwhat you said is, as I start,
and I'm going to remember that Isaid I have an addiction, I
said that's not me, I'm notaddicted, I'm not addicted to
(35:18):
anything like that and this isnot a good use of my time.
So because of that, if I keepsaying that I don't want to do
stuff, that's not a good use ofmy time.
I want to do something for mywell-being.
That to myself like this isn'tgood.
(35:40):
I'm not.
This isn't me.
This is.
This is not how I like to rollduring the day.
You know, I like to be aproductive because I'm here for
a reason and life is short andmy life is not involved on
checking social media.
Arlene (35:52):
Now can I make a suggestion?
Sure, because it's reallyimportant not to say that I'm
not addicted, because then we'rewe're, because the word
addicted is still in there.
So we really have to focus.
You know, that's not like me,you know, I'm a person that that
loves animals in the outdoors,or I love being with people.
So you want to focus.
You want to affirm to yourselfthe kind of person that you are
(36:16):
and not what you're not.
That you're not, that you'renot addicted, because that just
brings the addiction back inenergetically.
Does that make sense?
Cassandra (36:24):
yeah, it does.
It's kind of like I'm analcoholic and I'm like, no,
you're not.
Once you're alcoholic, you'realways alcohol.
And that quote used to botherme.
Like no, if you keep sayingyou're an alcoholic, you know,
so I'm.
When you said that, it made methink of that, like even though
you're aware that one time youwere, but that that's what I
(36:45):
hear from people that go to AAand all of that to say I'm an
alcoholic, I'm like, no, you'renot, you know.
So it's kind of like I'maddicted.
No, no, no'm not like that.
So perhaps that could be usedfor something like that as well.
Arlene (37:01):
Well, I'm not going to tackle the whole industry that's
helping alcoholics stay sober,but I just felt that, at least
at the beginning points wherethe viewers here, we can start
with that.
I'm not going to let peopleupset with me, but you do make a
very, very valid point.
I guess, from where they'recoming from, what they're doing
is they're acknowledging thatit's never.
(37:22):
You can't drink anything.
However, you know, and a lot ofpeople do it other ways
whatever floats your boat is,you know.
Cassandra (37:29):
Right.
Arlene (37:30):
But from my perspective, we want to focus on you know
that's not like me.
I'll do better next time.
And then, you know, the betternext time.
We can even visualize and feelwhat would next time look like.
Next time might be me, you know, having a cup of tea and a
biscuit with my friends.
Or you know taking my dog for awalk.
Or you know walking around andbreathing the fresh air or going
(37:52):
to get a massage, I don't know.
Whatever, you know kind oflights up.
That can be what we visualizeand see ourselves doing and that
can be more of what we'regrounding in for ourselves in
our lives.
Cassandra (38:03):
OK, I like that.
And, listeners, I don't knowwhere that came from.
I don't know where addictioncame from.
I don't know where alcohol camefrom.
That wasn't in my, my purview,but was interesting.
Somebody needed to hear andthat's the way I look at things
that somebody out there needs tohear this and perhaps change
the narrative, you know.
(38:24):
So that could be a way ofempowering your inner voice from
a critic to a coach.
So, arlene, how can mylisteners get in touch with you?
Arlene (38:37):
Well, my business is Jewel Consultancy like the
diamond, and soJewelConsultancycom is out there
.
You can Google Arlene CohenMiller.
I think I'm the only ArleneCohen Miller.
There's lots of Arlene Millers,which is part of the reason I
keep the three names.
Of course, the middle name ismy son's last name, so I did
that for him as well.
So you can Google me and or youyou can.
(39:01):
Also, I want to make an offerto your um, everyone that comes
to your podcast.
So, um, if you text me at720-936-2634, mention cassandra
and her beautiful podcast, Iwill gift you with like a five
or ten minute mini soul reading.
So it'll just be a couple ofcards.
We can do it on the computerand that'll be my little gift to
(39:24):
you.
If you're interested insomething like that, well, thank
you.
Cassandra (39:27):
Thank you so much, arlene.
I appreciate that, and ourlisteners do as well.
Well, it's about time for us towrap up.
About time for us to wrap upand I will tell my listeners.
I know that this particularsegment of this podcast has been
a blessing, and I'd love foryou to share it with individuals
where you know that it will bein their best interest.
(39:51):
How about empowering your innervoice?
Think about that from being acritic to being a coach, and we
have Arlene Cohen Miller tothank for that, and we thank you
so much.
And I will repeat this again tomy listeners All you have to do
is text 720-936-2634.
(40:13):
And she will do what we call asoul reading with you.
Arlene (40:18):
A mini one.
A mini one.
Cassandra (40:20):
A mini one, so don't think you're going to take all
her time and you mentionedCassandra in this podcast.
Arlene (40:26):
Yeah, and please mention Cassandra.
Cassandra (40:29):
Okay, well, arlene.
Again, thank you for your time,thank you for your wisdom.
Good day out there to all of my listeners and I'd
like to welcome you to Is yourWay In your Way podcast, and I'm
your host.
My name is CassandraCrawley-Mayo, and, for those new
listeners out there, I'd liketo share with you what this
podcast is all about.
It's for those individuals whoare stuck.
You know within your heart ofhearts that there's something
(00:22):
that you know you should bedoing, but you can't seem to get
out of your way in doing so.
Let me give you some examples.
Perhaps somebody wants to be anauthor, they want to write a
book, maybe they are in a toxicrelationship and they need to
get out.
Or you know what?
I've been in this job for quitesome time and I know it's time
for me to leave, but I justcan't do it and just try to
(00:45):
think of the things why you'renot able to do that, and that's
why I like to bring on gueststhat we talk about topics
related to what I call personalimprovement, personal growth,
some of this businessimprovement, business growth,
and I always pray that therewill be a podcast of mine that
(01:06):
you will listen to, where youwill have an epiphany and you
will know right then and thereokay, this is what I need Now.
I know I'm stuck.
Now I'm unstuck and I'm readyto start living my best life on
my terms.
So today we have a guest by thename of Arlene Cohen Miller,
(01:27):
and let me introduce Arlene andI'll tell you what our topic is.
Well, hello Arlene, how are youtoday?
Arlene (01:33):
I'm great Lovely to be here.
Cassandra (01:36):
Thank you, I'm glad you're here.
Our topic today is empower yourinner voice from critic to
coach.
Now, we know we all have aninner voice.
I've read and done someresearch.
Sometimes they say we have7,000 thoughts a day.
I've read something where theysay we had 20,000.
So, whatever, we have a lot ofthoughts a day and they also say
(01:58):
80% of those thoughts arenegative.
So this will be very, I think,a very interesting conversation
to talk about in regards tobeing a critic, from critic to
coach.
And before we get started and Idelve into the questions for
Arlene to Arlene, I want toshare a little bit about her
(02:23):
history so that you have alittle background on her, so you
will understand a bit wellperhaps, why she's qualified to
talk about this topic.
Who brings a wealth of trainingand experience to help women
compassionately andwholeheartedly lead themselves
(02:48):
and create the life they desire,a life that works and feels
right to them.
She is a professional certifiedcoach with the International
Coaching Federation and she isalso an AV-rated Colorado
attorney and a certifiedmeditation facilitator with a
(03:09):
diploma in transformationalholistic counseling from
Australia.
And what I'd like to ask, and Iintended to ask you before, in
the beginning of ourconversation before we came on
what is an AB rated?
Arlene (03:24):
Colorado attorney.
It's the highest rated ratingthat you can get, so I've worked
hard for it and I kept it.
I'm still licensed to practicein Colorado because it does
contribute to you know what Ican do for people and yeah,
that's what it is.
Cassandra (03:40):
So what type of attorney, what did you practice?
Yeah, that's what it is.
Arlene (03:47):
So what type of attorney ?
What did you practice?
I practiced two kinds of lawthe first 12 years.
Well, when I first started off,I was working for other
attorneys and the first attorneysolo practitioner I worked for
did family law, domesticrelations and also helped
businesses to collect theirdebts, and so I ended up doing
both of those things to collecttheir debts and so I ended up
doing both of those things.
(04:08):
When I went out on my own whenI was 29, I primarily focused on
family law and so I was doingdivorce and dissolutions of
marriage and child custody, andI was also appointed by the
court to be a guardian ad litem.
That means I represented thechildren in divorces where the
parents were not very functionalyou know, they're one or both
were involved in alcohol ordrugs or parenting skills that
(04:31):
were not up to what the courtfelt was in the best interest of
the child.
Cassandra (04:37):
And.
Arlene (04:37):
I was really young when I started all of that.
You know I was 29 when, Istarted out on my own and I grew
up in the suburbs of Louisville, kentucky, in a pretty stable,
loving family environment and Ihad never been exposed to that.
And you do get some training inlaw school, but a lot of the
training in the law is on theground and I ended up switching
(04:58):
to commercial law after 12 years.
I just didn't have the skillsand abilities I do now to take
care of myself in that kind ofenvironment, and so for the rest
of the time I helped businessescollect their debts, which is a
little bit stressful, but it'snot the same as people in those
kind of deals.
Cassandra (05:17):
Right, that's very different, right?
Yeah, I read somewhere that oneof your goals or aspirations I
don't know if you were 12 yearsold or but you were young and
you knew that you wanted to bean attorney what inspired you to
want to do that?
You know I get asked thatquestion a lot.
Arlene (05:37):
I was 15 and it's just like I felt like I had this down
lowing of no, now down lowingof knowing that you need to be
an attorney, and I'm like, okay,that sounds pretty cool,
because I knew that I would beable to take care of myself.
And I thought, well, I canreally be of service to people
in a profound way if I am in thepractice of law.
Cassandra (05:59):
Okay.
Arlene (06:00):
So I just decided and I told my mom and dad I don't know
if they believed me at 15, butI just share that with them and
I follow through.
Cassandra (06:08):
Wow, that's.
That's very impressive, becausea lot of us at that age we're
not quite sure what it is thatwe want to do.
You know, like people say, whatdo you want to do?
When you grow up and I alwaysremember that question I'm like
I don't know.
Arlene (06:26):
But while you were special, you kind of knew what
it was that you wanted to do.
I don't know if I was special,I just sort of, you know, got
this really strong feeling and Ijust followed it.
Cassandra (06:30):
Awesome, awesome.
Call that intuition right.
Yeah, let me ask you now.
You pivoted.
You were an attorney and andobviously congratulations for
your av rated status andsomething there was something
that said you know what I wantto do?
A different type of work.
(06:52):
I think I want to be awork-life balance and human
coach or something.
Do harmony coach.
What inspired you to changesomething that you've always
wanted?
You even changed, um, not thepractices, so to speak, the
things that you were working on,but why, what?
(07:13):
What prompted the change to,even though you're still an
attorney, but you're notpracticing, right, right, so
what?
What was it that led you towant that, to change?
Arlene (07:28):
People ask me that, but it was like it wasn't like a big
aha moment like my, my decisionto practice law.
It happened over time.
One of the things in mybackground is I started my own
solo practitioner practice whenI was 29 in a suburb of a
western suburb of Cleveland,ohio called Lakewood.
There was two other, it was astorefront office.
(07:49):
There was two other attorneys.
There was an employment agency.
Another guy came in later whodid collections, which was
really interesting.
He sold collection packages tobusinesses and I began
partnering with him, but I putout my shingle.
It was very different than wedid.
We didn't have all thecomputers that we have now at
all and I immediately found outI was pregnant.
(08:10):
So I graduated and my thenhusband and I were both from
Louisville, kentucky, so all ofour family was there and we were
six hour drive away and all mypeers from law school were in
Kentucky or right across theOhio River in Indiana or Ohio
practicing, so I didn't havethem there.
(08:31):
I really didn't have my tribearound me.
And there weren't any kind ofcoaches like what I do now.
There were counselors, therewere psychologists, and I did
end up delving into that alittle bit, but they really
didn't have the skills and toolsto help me form a tribe and do
what I needed.
I really sort of needed a coachand so it was just.
(08:51):
It was an interesting journey.
You know.
it wasn't easy to be a mom witha beginning business and a
partner that was working 70hours a week and wasn't was
there financially for me butwasn't there in person really
very much of the time, and so Ireally had like a really strong
empathetic and compassionateconnection with women from that,
(09:13):
and that's one of the bases ofhow I got to where I am right
now.
Cassandra (09:19):
What?
Ok, why work life balance?
I mean because you're doing atransformational, healing,
mentoring.
Why did you select work lifebalance and that term to me?
I heard it a lot and I used toalways say it when I was at
corporate.
I'm like I need a work lifebalance.
(09:40):
First of all, what is work lifebalance?
Arlene (09:44):
Well, I add the word harmony there for a reason, okay
, because balance sort of feelslike scales of justice to me,
right.
Cassandra (09:50):
And that's sort of impossible.
Arlene (09:52):
That implies we need to find a perfect something and
then we place all theseexpectations on ourselves that
aren't going to be helpful.
But when you add harmony intoit, you bring in that
flexibility and adaptabilitythat we need in life full stop,
because things are always kindof moving and changing and
shifting in our lives so that wehave to be flexible and
adaptable with what happens.
(10:13):
And I really feel that thetransformational mentoring and
the meditation and the work-lifebalance and harmony we just
either kind of.
The reason my um company'scalled dual consultancy is that
it feels like they're alldifferent sides of the diamond,
you know, and so they're notdifferent.
They're just different ways ofapproaching problems or issues
(10:37):
that we have to have aresolution, and some ways
they're going to work for somepeople and some ways they're
going to work for others, butthey're all really part of the
same sort of jam.
Cassandra (10:47):
Hmm, OK, let's talk about how the inner voice plays
into that.
When we talk about from thecritic to the coach, that's
that's, that's a shift.
But let's talk about the innervoice a bit.
What the inner voice Now?
(11:09):
Remember I had said some peoplesay it's 2,000 thoughts a day.
22,000 thoughts a day, why isthat so important?
Arlene (11:20):
Well, I don't know how many thoughts a day we have, but
it really does help with themeditation and coming back to
our inner source, knowing andnot trying to find answers on
the outside and being reallygrounded and fully present in
our body in this now moment.
So we're not worrying about thefuture or overwhelmed about the
future or feeling bad or evenjust reminiscing about the past.
(11:44):
But we're right here.
Um, it's just a fact of lifethat most people have all those
thoughts.
I think if you meditate, if youfind ways to get it out in
nature, you can slow that downconsiderably.
But where it feels like it'sgenetically passed on from
generation to generation to haveall these kind of negative
thoughts, if I look at my mom,if I look at my grandmother
(12:05):
about you know, not that theywere negative people, but how
they sort of talked tothemselves and shared things
with me and you know they weregreat parents and great people.
But you know, it just felt likethat to me and so it just really
feels like it's and it's alearned behavior, you know.
For maybe the way we have ourparents or the way we go to
school, the way our teachersinteract with us, you know all
(12:28):
kinds of things come up where wehear this stuff, where we take
it on and we make it somethingnegative about ourselves or
something negative to focus on.
So, basically, if not that it'swrong, but maybe the way that
we've talked to ourselves is theway that we survived as a child
, or maybe that we moved forwardas a child is not something to
(12:48):
judge ourselves about, but it'snot really working because what
we focus on is what we get moreof.
So it's really important tofocus on what we want to move
towards, what we want to createin our lives, while at the same
time not ignoring our feelings,Because if we really feel our
feelings and just let them movethrough us and not get stuck in
them and keep on focusing onthem, but focus on what we're
(13:10):
aligned to or choosing to movetowards, we're going to have a
different experience.
Cassandra (13:15):
What about?
Like my listeners some of mylisteners, for example they do
want to switch jobs, they wantto do something different and
internally, they are strugglingwith some limiting beliefs.
You know, like I can't.
(13:36):
I can't do that, or I don'tknow if I have the capacity.
Well, I still have children,young children, and I want to
make sure that I'm actuallythey're my priority, make sure
that I'm I'm actually they're mypriority.
So I don't want to shift thefamily by me making a move, or
how, how do you work with peoplethat are, um, well, in other
words, how to discuss shiftingthat inner critic yeah.
Arlene (14:02):
Well, I think one of the easiest to turn around, to
begin to turn around that innercritic into an inner coach,
especially for women.
We are very empathetic you knowwe really are the nurturers.
So if our friend came to us andstarted telling us everything
that we were thinking and allthose negative thoughts and we
didn't know what we wanted to do, we would be there for our
(14:23):
friend.
We would be there for theperson that we loved thinking
and all those negative thoughtsand we didn't know what we
wanted to do.
We would be there for ourfriend.
We would be there for theperson that we loved.
We would share, we wouldsupport them, we would nurture
them, we would be there for them, we would champion them, we
just would.
And the thing is so, we alreadyhad those skills and abilities.
But what we forget is that wecan just turn around and give
those same things to ourselvesand at first that might feel
(14:44):
like, oh my God, that's naughty,you know.
But once we, you know, practicemakes permanent.
So if we start practicing, whenwe hear that negative self-talk
, if I was my own best friend,what would I be telling myself
now?
How would I be championingmyself?
How would I be nurturing myself?
How would I be supportingmyself?
If I really had my head spacethe dark place, how would I use
(15:08):
that tough love to help getmyself out of it so that I can
make a decision from the heartof where to from here.
Cassandra (15:17):
So so what you said was think about when you have
these thoughts and you're goingthrough these certain life
eruptions or whatever, you startthinking, talking to yourself,
or either think, how would Ispeak with my best friend about
(15:38):
that?
Now, when you are surroundedand I think of the world today,
it's a lot of energy.
Energy to me is justunbelievable.
It is just a powerful.
You can have positive energy oryou can have negative energy,
and and when you are confrontedor surrounded by that because
(16:04):
those are the things too thatcould have you thinking,
stinking thinking you know, well, I don't, I don't know, you
know it's just, you know it'sjust trying to separate yourself
from that.
How would one do that?
Because it's happening a lotmore lately.
You know people like I don'tknow about this, and you know
(16:26):
people, many people, are not ina good space right now.
How can they get in that space?
A?
Arlene (16:34):
better space.
You've raised a reallyimportant problem and I don't
know if there's a magic fairydust solution for it, because
the the five most importantpeople in your life, the people
that you surround yourself with,that is, those are the people
you're going to become more likefull stop.
So if you have negative andtoxic people around you that are
telling you all the things thatyou can't do, you're going to
(16:55):
be flooded with their energy andit's going to be difficult to
let that move through and letthat go.
I mean, sometimes they'refamily that you have to distance
yourself from, because maybeyou have a narcissistic parent
or someone that's just notsupportive.
Maybe it's some friends thatused to be really good friends,
but the more you're around them,the more toxic they become and
(17:15):
drag you down, because maybeyou're evolving and growing and
changing and people think thatthat's wrong.
But as we change and grow, wewant to surround ourselves with
like minded people who are goingto uplift and support us the
way we're going to support them.
And you know it's a differentsituation if you are in a toxic
job situation.
In a toxic job situation, youknow if there's a way that you
(17:40):
can change it by how you act andwhat you do, and maybe there's
a way to move laterally or to adifferent position within a
company.
That's a possibility.
But it's not a good thing forour mental, physical, emotional
and spiritual health to be undera toxic boss.
So I don't have a magicsolution, but we can make those
decisions and I think we canjust gradually move away from
(18:02):
those kind of people.
But it's really not a good idea, even if they're your family.
Even if they're your family.
Cassandra (18:10):
Excuse me, arlene, you've not met Max.
Max is the dog.
A lot of my listeners haveheard him and sometimes you
don't hear from him, but nowit's something about your voice
that he wants to come in and seewho I'm talking with.
That's all right, that's fine.
I just want to acknowledge thatfor those new listeners too,
(18:30):
and I apologize for that.
That's all right.
Yeah, you know I'm thinkingabout some things and people who
have been in my life and youknow, as you indicated, you know
we're always there for them,you know that that are having a
tough time.
And then it came a time whenI'm like I can't talk right now.
(18:51):
You know, it's kind of like aboundary, you know, and I know
you're big on boundaries as well, but there are times when it's
not that I don't love them, butit's just not a good time for me
to talk, and once I get backinto my space and fill my cup,
then I will reach out to them.
So how, or is that a boundaryone set, or is there any other
(19:25):
ways that you could removeyourself from those?
Like you indicated, jobs can betough.
Family can be tough.
Are there any other ways thatyou've experienced?
Arlene (19:31):
Well, I think you know that's what you're giving.
There's two points there.
Cassandra (19:48):
I think you know that's what you're giving.
Arlene (19:49):
There's two points there .
Number one if someone's justcoming to you to dump all their
negativity in their energy fieldor to pump up a flat tire, but
they boundaries are, I have thisgolden bubble of protection
around me.
It's filled with love.
I'm going to fill myself upwith love.
I can share the overflow of mylove with you.
But it's not okay to dump in myfield because that drags you.
It's not helping the otherperson.
Because they came in here.
(20:10):
They have certain lessons tolearn and if we're taking on
their toxic, stuff're going tobe dragged down, they're only
going to be pumped up for alittle bit and they're not going
to be learning the lessons thatthey need to learn to evolve
and to grow, and if so, we needto.
I just have really clear,strong and appropriate
boundaries with that.
That's.
That's not okay okay um, um.
(20:32):
But you know another thing whatwe can do to be more ready is is
what you already touched on isthat we need to be every day
filling our cup up with love andsharing that overflow with
other people.
Because, otherwise, whathappens is that we let other
people drain our energy.
It becomes an empty cup.
We become frustrated and angryand overwhelmed and we might
(20:57):
lash out at another person thenwe feel guilty about it.
And then we engage in doormatand that kind of behavior of
giving, giving, giving, and wego through that cycle again,
when we actually do things tolove and nurture ourselves,
whatever that is for you, andour cup is filled up with love.
We're not going to go throughthat cycle.
We are going to feel better.
And the people that we interactwith are going to see a real
(21:20):
difference and experience usmuch more positively as well.
Cassandra (21:24):
Yes, that's good, I definitely.
I'm glad you reiterated allthat because I wanted my
listeners to hear that, eventhough you guys have been
friends for a while.
But if it's draining, you knowyou have to kind of let go so
that your cup can get full,because that's important for
your wellbeing.
Now, yeah, you also do thatsoul reading and group soul
(21:50):
readings.
Tell me about that.
Arlene (21:54):
Tell us about it.
Well, I got trained I don'tknow maybe eight years ago.
I always could do like readingsfor people without I've always
been really empathic, intuitiveand sensitive and I tend to
attract those kind of people tome.
But I'm not a psychic, you know, I'm not reading you, but what
I, what I can do, is I can heartconnect with people and I love
working with the cards because,you know, we can be visual.
(22:15):
It's visual, it's auditory,it's kinesthetic, it's a feeling
kind of thing.
I can help dig out the cards forthe person by just being a
conduit over the, you know, overa computer or the phone, and I
share opportunities that areavailable, obstacles and
challenges that could presentand ways that they can move
forward.
It's very like, very much likeone-on-one mentoring, but a lot
(22:38):
of people get so much more outof it because we're doing it
together.
We're both making cards andit's visual, it's auditory, it's
recorded, it's something theycan work with for maybe two or
three months and it's just, it'sa different way to experience
mentoring.
Um, that can be really, thatcan touch people in a way that
maybe the other ways can't.
So I love doing it.
(22:59):
It's really, really fun and Ifind it's really.
It's really.
It helps me with the peoplethat's like you're talking about
.
They can't seem to get beyond acertain place because they can
continue to work with therecording for two or three
months as they ponder how, whereto from here.
Cassandra (23:17):
So you use cards, is that what?
Arlene (23:20):
you said yeah, go ahead again.
They're called psychic tarotoracle cards.
And basically it's just an easyway to connect with a person
about what they need and whatthey're looking for and stuff
like that.
But it's not like I'm going totell you if you're going to get
(23:41):
a man or not or what's happeningin business.
But if they put that energy outthere, you know I want to know
about relationships, I want toknow about you know moving, or I
want to know about this job I'min or whatever it is.
Usually because it's a soulsoul reading, not a personality
to personality reading, somehowthe information will come out.
It won't be like do this orthat, but what's the what,
(24:03):
what's the energy of the card?
Share with cheers through mewill give them that sort of
feeling about where to from hereand then it's up to them wow,
interesting.
Cassandra (24:13):
So you do one-on-one and you do group.
Arlene (24:18):
Yes, I do.
Now, a group is is like what I.
I've been invited to a lot ofparties like business parties
and celebrations, and sometimesyou know friends are all scared
and two or three will come atonce and listen to each other.
I could do a group, but usuallywhat people want is just to
know about themselves.
But sometimes different friendscome together and want to
support each other, or a couplewant to be together to hear the
(24:40):
other person.
As long as they're consentingadults or an adult is there with
a child, it's fine.
I can still do that for them.
Cassandra (24:48):
Okay, Okay.
Now I want to talk about thisinner voice.
So is it that you, as youindicated in your mind, as we
said, we don't know how manythoughts, but we have them and
the negative thoughts, so you,so is it that all of a sudden,
you're like I'm not having agood day today?
(25:12):
And then the thing well, whyaren't you having a good day?
I don't know, I'm just kind ofhaving a blonde day, you know.
So things like that.
How would you coach that?
Arlene (25:24):
critical.
Well, I think it's reallyimportant.
Well, of course, I can't changeanyone.
I can only, you know, holdspace for them as empowering
questions, share reflections andinsights and what I'm noticing
about them, or what I'mintuitively feeling, and handing
it to them and see what theywant to do with it.
But one way that we can beginto take that next step forward
(25:45):
is to just choose to be aware.
I found that when I was in my20s, I had all this negative
stuff going on and I thoughtthat the way to share with my
girlfriends was just to tellthem all the horrible things
that were happening in my life.
That's how we bonded and once webecome aware of what's going on
and how we're talking toourselves, that helps to
(26:06):
de-energize that inner critic,full stop.
To begin with, we can begin towork with our inner coach from
there.
Cassandra (26:13):
Okay, all right.
So, in other words, don't pushthe feelings down, don't just
just be aware of it, because alot of people don't want to feel
that way.
So then they get upset becausethey're feeling that way, you
know, yeah.
Arlene (26:28):
What I found is I used to do that too and it can cause
all kinds of physical problems.
I used to have horribleheadaches and digestive issues.
It can make your mind feelreally frenetic and stuff like
that.
And then, if I really wasn'tlistening to my inner coach
which is God or source, whateveryou want to talk about I ended
up in my 30s really feeling likeI got whacked by a two-by-four
(26:51):
and I was on the floor with whatwas going on in my life because
I wasn't feeling my feelings.
And the thing is that ifthey're just feelings and
they're just things that arecoming up to move through us and
to be loved, I look at them ashow old is this part of me
inside of me?
How old is Arlene here?
She eight, she 10, she 12, she22.
(27:13):
And I turn around and I knowthat I've neglected or abandoned
that bit of me or she's gottenstuck somewhere because
something that happened.
And I turn around and I love her.
I you know we know how to love,you know how to love kids.
We can just turn around andlove and hug and say I'm sorry,
it wasn't fair.
I'll be there now and help tode-energize and let them know
(27:36):
that their feelings are valid.
It's a part of us that we havesaid you're not okay, it's not
okay to have these feelings.
And maybe you know we were toldwhen we were growing up that it
wasn't okay to be really angryor to be really upset.
So we've squashed stuff down.
Cassandra (27:52):
But when?
Arlene (27:52):
we feel it and we let it move through us and then
welcome in more love to fill upthose spaces.
We're going to start to feeldifferent.
Cassandra (28:01):
Right, and you talked about the being the inner coach
.
Can can upgrade your experienceof life.
Arlene (28:11):
Is that right?
Yeah, ok, I feel so.
I mean I, I really, becausewhat we're doing is we're
nurturing and supportingourselves instead of beating
ourselves and cutting ourselvesdown and contracting and being
small.
We can be much more expandedand more loving if we are
focusing on and working with ourinner coach, acknowledging when
the inner critic is there andthen doing something about it.
(28:32):
And it's a process.
It's not a perfect, and that'swhat I was saying.
I'm a work in progress and I'mgrateful to be here.
Cassandra (28:42):
Yeah, I get that.
So am I.
So I guess what you're sayingall of that can help individuals
with anxiety that they haveoverwhelm, burnout, while
building the confidence andself-esteem to embrace the
positive changes.
(29:02):
Right, okay, all right.
I hear a lot about every day.
I hear about gratitude and howgratitude affects our ability to
coach and nurture ourselves.
Let's talk a little bit aboutgratitude.
(29:24):
So, if you know I don't knowwhether in the morning, arlene
like how does your day start?
Is that important for the restof your day?
You think you know.
Like you start out like OK, I'ma turn on the news, like how
did your day start?
(29:44):
What do you do?
Arlene (29:46):
I don't understand why people turn on the TV when they
first get up because there's somuch toxicity out there.
No, I'll do some meditation.
I'll do some like protectionand clearing of my energy field.
I might watch something that'sinspiring or uplifting, I might
work with affirmations, but Ireally feel like you know, how
we start our day is veryimportant, and we can start our
(30:09):
day so easy, with gratitude.
It's like, oh man, I love this.
I don't know if I want to get up.
I really this is a comfortablebed and we take a hot shower,
maybe in the morning, and wejust really take the time to
appreciate it and enjoy it.
You know, maybe whatever we eatfor breakfast, we really just
love it, because when we putlove into our food, it's going
to nurture our body so much more.
(30:30):
I would never, ever, turn onthe news when I first get up.
I just find that would bereally abrasive and I really
feel it's a wonderful way tostart our day.
Even if we only have fiveminutes of self-care, whatever
it is, it's going to make adifference, even if we're just
saying affirmations to ourselvesand doing our best to feel them
(30:50):
, as we're loving our food andmaking our breakfast and taking
care of our kids.
We need to give to ourselveswhat we give to other people.
Cassandra (30:59):
Right, right, you know this to me is, and I
learned this.
I grew up like this, but I'mfinding, now that I'm more
mature, how helpful it is when Iget up and make my bed.
It's something about me gettingup doing my other things my
(31:21):
meditation, my devotions butit's like when I make my bed,
it's kind of like oh, Iaccomplished one thing.
It's neat in here, it's someorder.
Arlene (31:33):
Yeah.
Cassandra (31:34):
Find something like what do you, what do you think
about that?
Arlene (31:37):
That's the I.
I love making my bed we have.
We have an affinity therebecause once I make it I'm
looking over, I mean anyway,it's right there and I can see
it and it's just it's like, wow,that just looks so nice with
the pillows there and it feelsall organized, and years ago I
studied feng shui and there issomething to really say about if
(31:59):
you have a lot of clutter andstuff around you, how it just
brings everything down.
But when you sort of organize it, it's sort of neat.
You don't have to be perfect,it does feel so much better.
So little things like that makea huge difference, I feel.
Cassandra (32:14):
Yeah, ok, I'm not alone in this.
I'm like, oh, I just feel sogood when I do that, and I know
people that just when they go tobed, it's like it was when they
were in the bed.
I'm like, how can they do that?
But that's just me, so I'm gladI'm not alone.
What I'd like for us to do nowis you gave a lot of.
(32:38):
I'd like us to reiterate whatsome of the strategies that my
listeners can use to cultivatemindfulness and resilience,
enabling them to transcendself-imposed barriers and lead
to a more balanced andfulfilling life.
(33:00):
Let's just kind of go over someof those strategies.
Arlene (33:03):
I'd like to give some simple tools, because one of the
things that I use if I saysomething, then I go whoa,
that's not positive, that's notuplifting.
I always say or I make amistake, you know, because
mistakes we can reframe mistakesto be opportunities to learn
and grow.
My mistakes are opportunitiesand not an opportunity to beat
(33:25):
ourselves up.
So if I say something that'snot positive or I make a mistake
, I always affirm to myselfthat's not like me, that's not
who I am.
You know, it's something I did,it's something I said and I'll
do better next time.
If I do something that'spositive, uplifting, or I'm
talking to myself positively, oreven sharing that love
(33:47):
positively with myself or others, I'll tell myself that's more
like me.
I'll have more of that.
So it's a really simple way totalk to ourselves, to affirm, as
we're working through this,because it takes practice,
that's turning a ship aroundthis, then going into that
negative ocean, into thatpositive ocean and so it's going
to take that practice Like ifwe're an athlete and we wanted
(34:09):
to run a half marathon orsomething we can't just go out
and do it.
So we just really have to givethe time to notice that and to
acknowledge in ourselves thatwe're building that new firm
foundation of positivity andinner coach within ourselves,
and every all those little stepsforward are important to
(34:30):
acknowledge them every day.
Cassandra (34:33):
That's good because I'm thinking about you, made me
think about social media.
Mm, hmm, that's good becauseI'm thinking about you made me
think about social media and Idid a little a post the other
day or story, to say, hey guys,I have an addiction.
Have you ever had an addiction?
You know, it's not fun, it'sreal.
And mine is social media, youknow, and I scroll through it
(34:54):
and I scroll through it and Iscroll through it and half an
hour is gone, you know.
And I scrolled through it and Iscrolled through it and I
scrolled through it and half anhour was gone, you know.
Then I scrolled through it.
So I like that.
So when I, what I said I wasgoing to do was fast from, I'm
not going to even look at socialmedia, right.
But then I'm thinking, based onwhat you said is, as I start,
and I'm going to remember that Isaid I have an addiction, I
said that's not me, I'm notaddicted, I'm not addicted to
(35:18):
anything like that and this isnot a good use of my time.
So because of that, if I keepsaying that I don't want to do
stuff, that's not a good use ofmy time.
I want to do something for mywell-being.
That to myself like this isn'tgood.
(35:40):
I'm not.
This isn't me.
This is.
This is not how I like to rollduring the day.
You know, I like to be aproductive because I'm here for
a reason and life is short andmy life is not involved on
checking social media.
Arlene (35:52):
Now can I make a suggestion?
Sure, because it's reallyimportant not to say that I'm
not addicted, because then we'rewe're, because the word
addicted is still in there.
So we really have to focus.
You know, that's not like me,you know, I'm a person that that
loves animals in the outdoors,or I love being with people.
So you want to focus.
You want to affirm to yourselfthe kind of person that you are
(36:16):
and not what you're not.
That you're not, that you'renot addicted, because that just
brings the addiction back inenergetically.
Does that make sense?
Cassandra (36:24):
yeah, it does.
It's kind of like I'm analcoholic and I'm like, no,
you're not.
Once you're alcoholic, you'realways alcohol.
And that quote used to botherme.
Like no, if you keep sayingyou're an alcoholic, you know,
so I'm.
When you said that, it made methink of that, like even though
you're aware that one time youwere, but that that's what I
(36:45):
hear from people that go to AAand all of that to say I'm an
alcoholic, I'm like, no, you'renot, you know.
So it's kind of like I'maddicted.
No, no, no'm not like that.
So perhaps that could be usedfor something like that as well.
Arlene (37:01):
Well, I'm not going to tackle the whole industry that's
helping alcoholics stay sober,but I just felt that, at least
at the beginning points wherethe viewers here, we can start
with that.
I'm not going to let peopleupset with me, but you do make a
very, very valid point.
I guess, from where they'recoming from, what they're doing
is they're acknowledging thatit's never.
(37:22):
You can't drink anything.
However, you know, and a lot ofpeople do it other ways
whatever floats your boat is,you know.
Cassandra (37:29):
Right.
Arlene (37:30):
But from my perspective, we want to focus on you know
that's not like me.
I'll do better next time.
And then, you know, the betternext time.
We can even visualize and feelwhat would next time look like.
Next time might be me, you know, having a cup of tea and a
biscuit with my friends.
Or you know taking my dog for awalk.
Or you know walking around andbreathing the fresh air or going
(37:52):
to get a massage, I don't know.
Whatever, you know kind oflights up.
That can be what we visualizeand see ourselves doing and that
can be more of what we'regrounding in for ourselves in
our lives.
Cassandra (38:03):
OK, I like that.
And, listeners, I don't knowwhere that came from.
I don't know where addictioncame from.
I don't know where alcohol camefrom.
That wasn't in my, my purview,but was interesting.
Somebody needed to hear andthat's the way I look at things
that somebody out there needs tohear this and perhaps change
the narrative, you know.
(38:24):
So that could be a way ofempowering your inner voice from
a critic to a coach.
So, arlene, how can mylisteners get in touch with you?
Arlene (38:37):
Well, my business is Jewel Consultancy like the
diamond, and soJewelConsultancycom is out there
.
You can Google Arlene CohenMiller.
I think I'm the only ArleneCohen Miller.
There's lots of Arlene Millers,which is part of the reason I
keep the three names.
Of course, the middle name ismy son's last name, so I did
that for him as well.
So you can Google me and or youyou can.
(39:01):
Also, I want to make an offerto your um, everyone that comes
to your podcast.
So, um, if you text me at720-936-2634, mention cassandra
and her beautiful podcast, Iwill gift you with like a five
or ten minute mini soul reading.
So it'll just be a couple ofcards.
We can do it on the computerand that'll be my little gift to
(39:24):
you.
If you're interested insomething like that, well, thank
you.
Cassandra (39:27):
Thank you so much, arlene.
I appreciate that, and ourlisteners do as well.
Well, it's about time for us towrap up.
About time for us to wrap upand I will tell my listeners.
I know that this particularsegment of this podcast has been
a blessing, and I'd love foryou to share it with individuals
where you know that it will bein their best interest.
(39:51):
How about empowering your innervoice?
Think about that from being acritic to being a coach, and we
have Arlene Cohen Miller tothank for that, and we thank you
so much.
And I will repeat this again tomy listeners All you have to do
is text 720-936-2634.
(40:13):
And she will do what we call asoul reading with you.
Arlene (40:18):
A mini one.
A mini one.
Cassandra (40:20):
A mini one, so don't think you're going to take all
her time and you mentionedCassandra in this podcast.
Arlene (40:26):
Yeah, and please mention Cassandra.
Cassandra (40:29):
Okay, well, arlene.
Again, thank you for your time,thank you for your wisdom.
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