August 16, 2025 • 44 mins
Brandy Douglas Corcoran shares her powerful journey from wearing a mask to survive daily life to helping women discover their authentic selves through transformational self-discovery.
• Childhood experiences shape our identity and the stories we tell ourselves
• Trauma can create limiting beliefs that become "the water we swim in"
• Labels from others often become internalized as our identity
• Awareness is the first step to changing limiting beliefs and behaviors
• Emotional mastery involves accepting all parts of ourselves
• Clarity of intention helps us design the life we truly want
• Constructing empowered beliefs and narratives transforms our identity
• Declaring 100% responsibility gives us power to create change
• Intentional action with support strategies creates new neural pathways
• Gratitude and self-appreciation are essential but often the hardest step
• "The things that have hurt me the most are the ways I have abused, abandoned, mistreated, and neglected myself"
Find Brandy on social media @FindingSelfCoach and get her book "Finding Self" on Amazon, with a free workbook available at findingselfbook.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Cassandra (00:00):
In your Way podcast and I'm your host, cassandra
Crawley-Mayo.
And for those new listeners outthere, let me share a bit about
what this podcast is about.
Actually, it's for individuals.
Well, let me tell you this thisis who I serve.
I actually serve purpose-drivenwomen to get out of their way
and live a more meaningful,spirit-aligned lives that you
(00:24):
were born for, by guiding youthrough transformational
self-discovery rooted in realtalk, faith and purpose.
So, for example, there'scertain things you've always
wanted to do.
You know within your heart ofhearts.
You're supposed to write a book.
You're supposed to get out of arelationship.
You're supposed to start being.
(00:44):
You want to become anentrepreneur, start a business,
but it's just something that youcannot move.
It's like you're just stuck init, right?
So this is basically what thisis about, and we talk about
topics related to personaldevelopment, self-improvement,
and also it will enable you tostart reflecting over things in
(01:07):
your life, and I always amprayerful that one of these
podcasts will give you what Icall an aha and say you know
what I'm going to do this?
I'm going to move, I'm going totake this move, I'm going to
get unstuck, I'm going to getthe help I need or whatever I
need to make this happen.
And so today, while headline,we're going to talk about the
(01:30):
power of becoming your identity,your story and self-worth.
So let me ask you this have youever felt like you're wearing a
mask to survive the day?
Well, I have a guest on and hername is Brandy, and I'm going
to introduce you in a minute.
But Brandy did too, and so didI.
So now she helps women removethat mask for good.
(01:54):
Her story is a raw, real lookat how we break free from who we
think we're supposed to be.
So now, listen, now on Is yourWay In your Way?
And I'd like to welcome BrandyDouglas Corcoran.
Hi Brandy, hi Cassandra, thanksso much for having me on.
Yeah, it's a pleasure to haveyou on.
(02:25):
Okay, so before we get started,I'd like to read your bio just
a little bit so my listenerswill have a point of reference,
like what qualifies you to dothis type of work?
So let me go dive into this bio.
Brandy is a transformationstrategist, spiritual
psychologist and founder ofFinding Self Coach, and she also
(02:50):
has a book titled that.
With over 30 years inleadership, psychology and
personal growth, brandy empowerswomen to dismantle limiting
beliefs and rewrite thenarratives that keep them stuck.
Once a self-described dramaqueen and burned out mom, she
(03:13):
now guides others from pain topurpose using her signature
seven-step empowerment process.
Her raw authenticity and deeplyempathetic approach creates a
safe space for breakthroughs,because she knows what it's like
to crave more from life andbelieve you are not enough.
(03:35):
I bet a lot of you when youheard that, you were like, yeah,
I need to hear what Brandy hasto say.
Oh, brandy, I want you todescribe what was happening in
your life that necessitated youto crave more from life and
believe you're not enough.
What was going on in yourbackstory?
What happened?
Brandy (03:56):
That is a big, big question.
I think the first thing I justwant to say is I've heard you
read that bio.
What was present for me is atone point when that was written,
even that wasn't the truth,that wasn't my story, that was
kind of the North Star that if Iwere to believe and that's
(04:17):
really what I work with peopleis creating an empowered
identity and belief.
So if I were to tell myself areally good story about who I
want to be, what would that be?
And as I was listening to you,I'm like you know what's cool is
.
Now that is my truth.
Cassandra (04:30):
That is my story.
Brandy (04:31):
So it's neat to see that we can live into that.
As far as what was happening inthe past, I mean, sadly I think
it's not unfamiliar to manypeople's stories of instances of
sexual trauma, abuse, just thatfeeling of self-doubt, and you
know I could tell you thestories that I say are good
(04:53):
subject lines, right, like thedrama queen stuff, and that's
all very valid and that is mystory.
The thing is, if I look below,very valid and that is my story.
The thing is, if I look below,the commonality I think your
listeners will see is it's notthe what happened.
And this is what people sayabout trauma.
It's my response, the story Imade up, the meaning, I gave it
(05:16):
the identity.
Well, this must mean this aboutme, if that could happen.
So it's traumatic and horrible.
Some of the subject lines Icould tell you were happening,
it's all the stuff that happenedin between and below the
surface.
That said, that must be proofthat I'm unlovable.
That must be proof that I don'tmatter.
That must be proof that theworld's a confusing place and I
(05:39):
don't fit in.
And that's the stuff that I, youknow, I talked to my clients,
my readers is the water I wasswimming in.
It wasn't that I had thisbelief.
It the stuff that I, you know,I talked to my clients, my
readers is the water I wasswimming in.
It wasn't that I had thisbelief, it wasn't that I felt
unlovable, it was what was so.
It was the water I was swimmingin and that really just
flavored and dictated how mylife would turn out.
Cassandra (06:02):
Well, let me ask you the water that you were swimming
in, what were you?
I mean, those thoughts andthose feelings came from
something.
Brandy (06:13):
Absolutely.
Cassandra (06:14):
Yeah, you know, and I always say and I have a chapter
in my book is your way, in yourway for my new listeners?
That's the name of my book, asit is the name of my podcast.
But I always say your childhoodhas so much to do with your
adulthood.
And when you get in that goodspace, that safe space, you're
(06:34):
like, okay, all right, that'swhat happened, but that's not
who I am today.
So what happened in your lifefor you to have that stinking
thinking?
Brandy (06:43):
And your life for you to have that stinking thinking
yeah.
So one of the experiences thatI can look back on that had the
most fundamentally impactfulresult in my life was that
experience.
You know, I always say likewhen we're about five or six,
you're just kind of like ridingyour bike playing with your
dolls.
You know doing your thing.
Cassandra (07:03):
Right.
Brandy (07:03):
And it's that moment that happens, where it was like
whoa wait, something's wrong andbecause his children were so
egocentric.
If something is wrong out here,that must mean something is
wrong in here.
And so it becomes not just thewhat's happening but it becomes
internal.
So for me, that big event and Ido write about it in my book
but the big event was I wasmolested when I was six by a
(07:27):
younger uh, pre, like a teenager, like 12, 14 year old boy and
as awful and traumatic, as likethat would be at six.
I didn't know that wasinappropriate.
I didn't know that was trauma.
But what really hurt wasoutside of these moments.
He would rally people to pickon me.
(07:49):
They would tease me, they wouldset me up, they would make fun
of me.
And in that it was that, thatbelief that developed about I
don't matter, Because if Imattered, how could I be treated
this way?
And that was very confusing.
To unpack that at six just wasimpossible.
So it also became that theworld is confusing and then
(08:10):
throughout my life.
I see you know again.
It happened when I was 11 witha babysitter.
It happened again when I was 1622 different scenarios like
that.
That just reinforced that Ireally didn't matter, that I was
here, here to be used, to betaken from, to be ridiculed, to
be put down.
Cassandra (08:29):
And.
Brandy (08:30):
I took all that on as evidence for what I felt based
on when I was six and that wasreally a confusing experience,
so is that why you labeledyourself as the drama queen?
Cassandra (08:49):
I think I did not.
Brandy (08:50):
That is a good catch, because so one of my beliefs is
that to survive something, wetake on this way of being and it
actually comes from a landmarkworldwide education I come from
a landmark worldwide educationand, at six, to survive this
experience that I don't matterand the world's confusing, one
of the ways of being I took onwas dramatic, so I can flare up
(09:14):
anything and I mean, as you seeme, it's not that it's a
negative, it's just it's a partof my way of being and it was
also something that was given tome, as that's what you said.
Like was that something thatyou decided?
It was just confirmed by otherpeople, and I think that's one
of the difficult parts aboutfinding self, getting our
identity and the way that you Ilove the name of your podcast is
(09:36):
your way, in your way.
I was thinking about that and itwas like it made a lot of sense
to me, because I find peoplecan be really disloyal to their
or loyal to their dysfunctionand that's in their own way.
With that and a lot of thethings that I identified with, I
would describe myself as camefrom well-meaning teachers,
(09:59):
parents, family members whowould tell me who I was or would
describe me.
Cassandra (10:06):
Yeah, what did they say?
You were Like, just name acouple of things.
Brandy (10:12):
Crazy like a fox crazy gram, right.
So it all had to do with and Ilove Jamie Kern Lima talks about
this.
She says you're not crazy,you're just first.
And I didn't know that then,but I was the first in my family
to really have emotionalawareness, to be very
emotionally expressive, all thethings that were being labeled
as dramatic.
(10:32):
Yeah, we're just, we're thefirst.
We didn't do that in our family.
I'm 51, so put that intoreference for, depending on your
listeners, what age they are,um, that just wasn't what you
did.
You just swept it under the rug, you just powered through, you
made fun of yourself and Iremember the quote was if you
can't laugh at yourself in thisfamily, you won't survive.
And I was like that didn't sitright, right, when it didn't sit
(10:57):
right with, at least it wasverbalizing it.
Cassandra (11:00):
Right, so you wore a mask.
It's just like yeah, you wore amask to hide your identity your
identity.
Brandy (11:12):
Yeah, I played that.
I played the part that wasgiven to me and the part that my
little six-year-old braindecided I was, and you're right,
that became my identity.
Cassandra (11:18):
Exactly.
Now tell us share a pivotalmoment that reshaped your
identity.
Brandy (11:28):
Oh, of course, as anyone , there are a few few right.
Um, I think those littlemoments along the way are
finding the people in your lifethat just love on you and lift
you up and say the things thatyou, you know.
It's like that.
Hold on to my belief until youhave it for yourself and my best
(11:48):
friend.
we've been best friends since wewere 15, in grade 10.
She has always been that personfor me that really has lifted
up and held me up.
I think the thing is along theway.
I didn't love how I was living,I was living into it, and it
wasn't until probably my divorceseven years ago where I
(12:09):
realized like I didn't like howI was doing life and who I was
being, regardless of what washappening, regardless of what he
did or why we ended, or I hadto sit with myself right yeah, I
realized like some of theactions I was doing and some of
the ways I was being weren'tanything I ever thought I wanted
(12:31):
.
And it stole the little piece ofmyself.
Each time I lied, each time I,you know, was like dishonoring
to myself in any kind of way, oranytime I just shut up and tuck
it or yeah, it just it wasn'taligned with what I felt inside.
Cassandra (12:48):
Well, let me ask you how do you identify yourself now
?
Brandy (12:57):
Who is Brandy?
Yeah, that's a great questionand I love that your focus is on
identity, because that's one ofmy beliefs as well as and Tony
Robbins speaks about it but thatwe, one of our human natures,
is that we need to remainconsistent with our identity,
with who we say we are.
I think the hard part is whenwe're not even aware of who we
(13:19):
say we are or, like I said, thatit's the water we swim in, that
we have a choice that I canchange that.
So the person that I say I amtoday is someone who values
being authentic.
Person that I say I am today issomeone who values being
authentic, values kindness, andat the same time, I know I can
also shut that down and beunkind if needed, and there's a
really great story in my bookabout that.
(13:40):
That was one of thosetransformational moments where
me identifying as kind, butidentifying as kind because I
had to be, because what drove mewas being a people pleaser and
having people's love, so I waskind to a fault where it was
like my boundaries, my safety,all of that what I needed didn't
(14:00):
matter if somebody else's needscame first.
So, yes, I still value kind andI still would describe myself
as a kind person, and I can alsostop, as I've had to do
recently, when people aretreating me a certain way.
So it's not driven by peoplepleasing, it's driven by a value
of kindness, and that's who Isay.
I am even in situations nowwhere people aren't aren't
(14:24):
showing up, aren't being kind Iwill still respond in the way
that I would respond, because Irefuse to let people change who
I now say I am.
My identity has shifted frombeing the drama queen right For
the crazy one the descriptionsthat people have given me to an
identity that I've claimed.
Cassandra (14:45):
So, yeah, so it sounds like a lot of this comes
from awareness.
You know, it's kind of like.
You know, when you were talking, I thought about a therapist
that I have and one of thethings she asked me was do you
like yourself?
And I was like, big question,yeah.
(15:06):
And I said she said, well, I'lltell you what I'd like for you
to do and I'm saying this to mylisteners as well Write a letter
(15:26):
to yourself.
Don't type it, just handwriteit.
Don't make, don't mark anythingout, don't edit it and write
down what it is that you likeabout yourself.
And just that in itself made melike, wow, I'm not so bad after
all.
You know you write down what itis that you like about yourself
.
So that by you saying that,made me think about that.
How awareness is critical.
You know that you're aware thatyou're kind and you have values
(15:47):
and you have boundaries, and tohave people in your circle
around you, that solidifies that.
Or something else I always sayis don't you know?
I always say associate withindividuals, not the yes man all
the time, but don't be socondescending.
(16:07):
You know I have someone that'sbeen condescending.
I'm like you know what I needto separate myself.
You need to take care ofyourself, and that's what you're
saying, and that's the partthat I love, and it takes me to
your mission.
You have a mission now is tohelp individuals liberate, free
(16:28):
themselves from beliefs, storiesand identities that limit them
so they can step into theirunique greatness and man.
That is amazing to me.
So, before we talk about thework you do and the steps you
take, how have you transformedlimiting beliefs into
(16:49):
empowerment, empoweringpossibilities?
How did you do that?
Brandy (16:54):
Like for myself.
Yeah, how did I?
Yes, and I love you saidawareness, because that's
actually step one in my sevensteps and that would be how it
was.
You know, I think it startedback when I was doing my
undergrad and I remember stillstruggling quite a bit.
(17:14):
I've been diagnosed withclinical depression since I was
18.
And I, since I was seven, afterthat first incident, started
seeing a child psychologist fora bit, and so it's just been a
part of my life, that thatmental health piece that I've
struggled with.
And I got to the point where Iwas on the max dose you could
take for antidepressants.
I was like young twenties, in myundergrad, and I was still so,
(17:35):
having these obsessive thoughtsand I just went this isn't just
medical, this isn't justbiological Like this.
There's other things going onthat I have to figure out or I'm
not going to survive.
And it was that realizationthat, um, and yeah, cause?
Yeah, because I had had hadfeelings and ideation of suicide
and not wanting to be herebecause it just felt hard and
(17:56):
heavy.
And I remember thinking like Ihave to get to the, to the
figure this out, or this is it,this is not, I'm not going to
survive this and that was likeearly 20s, like you have your
life ahead of you, right.
But that just felt real and inlooking that, I'd cleared out
some of the people in my lifethat were not healthy for me and
, yeah, I just really stood onmy own, which would have been
(18:17):
okay except for, like thatlittle spicy drama part of me.
When people would ask me out forthat two years in university, I
would say I'm in a relationshipwith myself.
Right now you could just say nobecause they they're like
moonwalk out of the room.
Yeah, I'm like, that's okay,but that was honoring to me,
right, as it was like I wasn'tjust not dating, I was actually
(18:38):
trying to develop.
Like you said that therapist,do you like yourself?
Oh my gosh, no to the point Iwould hurt myself so and
mentally and physically.
So I took that two years and Iliterally have a list of like
dates with myself and I tookmyself on like in a relationship
and even when people say, oh, Iwent alone, you went with
(18:59):
yourself.
It's really important to me thatI have that, that friendship
and that.
I can have my own back, andthat's one of the biggest things
I do with my clients is whenyou get to that point it's not
about teaching you how to speakin a moment, what to do, what
you're bad like yes, all of thatbut when you have that sense of
yourself, yeah, and thatrelationship, yeah, you got, you
(19:20):
got it, you got it, and sothat's really what I spent that
time doing.
And then I love the story yousaid too, because then it
reminded me when I did mymaster's in spiritual psychology
, one of the things we had to dowith the letter to yourself
you're saying is go through allthese key moments in our life
and write out for the girls itwas a herstory of loving, a
(19:41):
history of loving, and it was aherstory of loving and it was
all these key moments and reallygetting that awareness about,
like, what was going on at thattime that I can look back and
see I was hurt that somethingcame out of that with that built
my belief, my identities.
That is limiting me, that isholding me back, and then to
actually shift it and see itfrom new eyes.
(20:02):
We call it reframing.
Yeah, to have the awarenesspiece and then to actually allow
yourself to tell a new story astory that works for you yeah,
change the narrative right, it'sfunny says change the story,
change your life.
It's it was like okay, what istruth?
Is my interpretation of eventsor somebody else's
interpretation they're giving me?
(20:22):
so if that's it, then I canchange that narrative, I can
tell myself a new story and Ican see it, and so it's like
here's the same thing, and whatI do is I take people and I'm
like let's look at it on adifferent side.
I'm not validating whathappened, I'm not validating the
impact in the story.
Let's look at it from a way andtell it in a way that actually
serves you, versus limits andhurts you.
Cassandra (20:44):
Okay.
Brandy (20:45):
And that was probably one of the biggest shifts as
well.
So you call that a history ofloving, history of loving.
So, instead of seeing all these, these huge moments in your
life that created you to be whoyou are, instead of seeing them
as painful and traumatic andawful, can you like acknowledge
them, tell the story and thenchoose to write a new story
(21:06):
about it, about the meaning,about what it says about you,
about what it says about otherhumans, what it says about the
world that we live in.
And then I wrote, like someaffirmations with that, to
support that new story.
And so we did this at each agestage of life in this program
and that was reallytransformational as far as being
able to see that I have thepower within to change that
(21:28):
story.
I can't change what happenedyeah.
Cassandra (21:32):
Give my listeners an example.
I like that.
Like you know, tell a story orsomething, your history of
loving, and walk us through how,what needed to be reframed and
the narrative that you decidedto come up with.
This one story, Well, it couldbe you, that's okay, I'm just
(21:57):
trying to think of I was.
Brandy (21:58):
What's present is the story I've already told about
when I was six.
Right, that was one of thestories I reshifted and reframed
and okay, instead of from my,my current age.
At that time, when I allowedmyself to tell the story, it was
like mid-20s kind of age,instead of being a mid-20 year
old judging that six-year-oldright.
I told the story aboutconnection and about this little
(22:22):
six-year-old who got this, thisexperience of being um, having
the attention, and and shiftedit from saying that it didn't
have to mean that I didn'tmatter, but that I could see it
as somebody else's pain, I couldtake it away from what the
meaning it had for me.
(22:42):
I'm trying to think ofsomething a little less deep and
dark.
For people that have to shiftstories that have come up more
recently, I think it would justbe like I don't know Cause some
of the tools and the work I dowith people is getting them to
to ask like what else could betrue here.
(23:03):
So for everybody that story isa little bit different.
Yeah, do you have an example?
Cassandra (23:09):
I can help.
Do you have?
Do you have like a, sincedepression's a big thing in the
world?
You know it's, it's taboo ithas been, you know and people
don't want to talk about it.
But more people are talkingabout it and you know, and you
have a bout of it is there, youknow, and, and like you.
(23:30):
You.
Brandy (23:31):
Just you have a bout of it is there, you know, and, and
like you, you just you're aware,you confess, you know I was
clinically diagnosed withclinical depression at 18, so
how did you get through that?
Cassandra (23:42):
how did that become okay?
Brandy (23:46):
I think just that, cassandra, exactly what you're
saying.
Okay, it's for me finding self,it's the integration of all
parts, and I still struggle withthis on parts I'm less proud of
.
I was just having aconversation with a coaching
client this morning about that.
It's like you did what you didand you didn't do what you
didn't do.
Right, so it's, it's thatacceptance of like.
I truly believe that we arealways trying the best we can,
(24:10):
given what we have at thatmoment.
So it's really easy for me tolook at my past self now and go
yeah, and cringe and I do likeit's something like oh, so it's
like deciding.
You know what.
She was doing the best shecould.
Ok, she was struggling with aneed to be like seen and like
she didn't know how to expressherself.
She didn't know how to ask whatshe needed and wanted.
(24:32):
So instead there's this weird,funky, inauthentic, manipulative
behavior.
I'm trying to get my way,without admitting it's my way,
but wanting you to want it to bemy way and with, with
depression and in those momentsand I actually I've shared with
you before we came on camera,some of the the stuff and the
family upset and tragedy that'sgoing on in our lives right now
(24:55):
and I've really had to walk thetalk as far as, like, acceptance
.
This is not how I want to showup, this is not what I would
prefer to be doing in my liferight now, going through this,
when I had all these businessplans and all these ideas and I
was on this track with my healthand my weight and like, and
it's like.
In those moments, can I stillshow up for myself?
(25:17):
Can I acknowledge what my bodyfeels, what my heart feels, what
my brain's thinking?
Can I just acknowledge itwithout engaging and believing?
and still deciding that I canstill tell the story, but what
we resist persists.
So if we don't have thatacceptance piece, what happens
(25:41):
is that we spend so much timeand energy resisting and it just
gets louder.
I always say if you don'tlisten, the universe turns up
the volume and gives you abigger opportunity to hear what
needs to be dealt with and saidand accepted.
And that actually is.
It's almost like you're walkingthrough it.
That is one of my steps as well.
Is that the first step isawareness.
(26:01):
Okay, your beliefs, right,conscious or not, they're going
to run your life, because youknow, we all hear the saying um,
I believe it because I see it.
It's actually you see itbecause you believe it.
Right, you're a little.
What am I supposed to look for?
And then your identity, becauseyou want to stay consistent
(26:22):
with who you say you are okay sokindness.
Right, I said kindness and ithad me not leave a situation
that was hard because I wastrapped in kindness.
So your identity, good, bad orotherwise.
If I say I'm that, that's whatI will live according to.
So step one is that awareness,that beliefs and identity.
(26:43):
And I say who is running you?
Because whether you see it ornot, it is going to run you.
Cassandra (26:49):
And then so acceptance.
Yes, so the second one isbelief.
Brandy (26:54):
No, the first one is awareness, right, just starting
to understand what your beliefs,identity, are.
The second one is emotionalmastery, so really starting to
learn how to be with yourfeelings, how to process them,
how to accept them, and soemotional mastery and acceptance
okay, and with that one, youknow we really look at like
language and shitting onyourself and right, all of those
(27:16):
behaviors that indicate, hey, I, I, just there's parts of me I
can't accept and I'm sorry, butyou aren't going to have that
integration and and authenticself if there's still parts of
myself I'm judging for what Idid when I didn't know what, I
didn't even know.
Cassandra (27:32):
That's right, right yeah.
Brandy (27:33):
Right.
So those are the first twosteps.
It's almost like you've beengiven a heads up and you know
how to get it, or they're justcommon sense, but we just have a
problem.
Cassandra (27:42):
Yeah, so you.
You led me into the nextquestion.
I wanted to know what the sevenstep empowerment process is.
So the first one is awarenessand second one is emotional
mastery.
What's your third?
Brandy (27:58):
Emotional mastery and acceptance is that second step.
And the third one is thatclarity of intention and it's
funny when I ask my clients ishow, especially moms and and
later on in life, when I say,what do you want?
And that clarity of intentionis what outcome do I want?
(28:20):
Cause we forget.
We forget that we actually getto design our lives.
We forget that we actually getto say, because you just wake up
one day and you're like how didI get here?
And without that awarenesspiece and that acceptance, we
don't know.
Cassandra (28:38):
Right, right so we don't.
Brandy (28:41):
Actually, we forget that we can say so.
Clarity of intention is likewhat do you want?
What do you want yourrelationships to look like?
What do you want your physicalhealth to like?
What do you want your physicalhealth to be?
What do you want?
Just even the way you show up.
You know through the process ofwho I became after that divorce
, when I realized that I didn'tlove the person I was seeing in
the mirror I didn't even knowher.
I was like you said you wouldnever be this right.
(29:03):
I always say people say peoplewho love me, or how could you're
actually, how you're amazingand you know people who love you
say all the loving things andone of my favorite things, I'm
in a relationship now.
I'm engaged in a relationshipfor just over six years and one
of my favorite things is who Iam in that relationship.
OK it spoils me.
(29:24):
Yes, we have communication.
Yes, we have all the things,and one of my favorite things is
who I am.
So when people say how couldSean have left you, how could he
divorce you, I say Sean didn't.
Sean wasn't married to the sameperson.
Travis gets to date because wearen't the same.
So that clarity of intention isis about understanding like,
(29:47):
wow, if I could say this andmake this happen, what would I
pick?
Cassandra (29:54):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, okay, okay, number four.
Brandy (29:59):
Number four is now that we know what we want.
It's about constructingempowered identity, beliefs and
stories empowered identity,beliefs and stories.
So, if I can change thenarrative, if it is just about
the story, because if there wasone truth, why wouldn't?
we all see it the same way,right?
So if it is about that, I canchange the narrative.
(30:20):
If I get to say who I am,regardless of my past,
regardless of where I came from,if I get to tell who I am, my
identity, and I get to decidewhat I'm going to believe, what
I'm going to tell my brainbecause it only has to be at
least 51%- right.
Reinforced over time.
Your brain will seek thatevidence.
So if I get to do all that now,step four is about constructing
(30:42):
empowered beliefs, identity andstories.
So, if it's all what we sayanyways, why not tell yourself a
story that works?
Cassandra (30:51):
Okay, and number five .
Brandy (30:55):
This one.
This one takes a few sessions.
It's declaring 100%responsibility.
Okay, for yourself for foreverything your life, your
relationships and this is why ittakes some work, because often
we talk about socialrelationships like 50, 50, but
(31:16):
if you really think about it,that's kind of weird.
Like where would you put thatline and how would you?
Oh no, that's your part andthat.
Oh, yeah, and if you declare ahundred percent responsibility,
this is your power.
This is the only place that Ican actually engage change.
So I'll give you an example forthat because I like exams.
(31:36):
I find that's part the reasonmy book is part autobiography is
like let's put it on the court,otherwise it's just concepts,
right?
So, um, when the divorce washappening, I said to my, I said
to myself I picked an intentionthat I would have a family I am
proud of, where everyone washappy, healthy, whole and
complete.
And that was my North North Star.
(31:57):
That was my guiding light.
Cassandra (31:59):
All the mess.
Brandy (32:00):
All the upset, all the fear, all the like story of
single mom, what that?
Cassandra (32:03):
looked like.
Brandy (32:05):
And I was communicating with my ex and we were battling
back and forth about it was aschedule thing and I was like I
don't understand how he can'tsee this and he was standing for
his ground and said we hung upa couple times and would come
back into the conversation and Ijust stopped myself like hours
(32:25):
later this has been a process ofthe day and I went a family I'm
proud of okay, that's myintention.
If I'm a hundred percentresponsible for that, what does
that look like on the court?
and I called him back and I saidI don't understand.
Can you help me understand?
Okay this is what I'm hearingand he explained that when we
(32:45):
don't have a schedule, he feltlike he was at my beck and call
and that he didn't feelrespected, like he had a whole
story about us not having aspecific schedule and me
changing things up and it was hefelt disrespected.
So his meaning making, butultimately he was like, without
a schedule, I feel this way oh,I can do a schedule.
(33:07):
So by declaring a hundredpercent responsibility and me
saying like I want to get thisfrom his perspective, it gave me
access to, like, what wasactually turned out to be a very
small thing.
But before that point, with melike no, that's your fault.
Why don't you understand whatI'm going through?
And it was a battle.
So declaring 100%responsibility is like what do I
need to do?
(33:28):
Who do I need to be to havethis altar?
And I declared that I wasresponsible for that, not him.
Okay, I was, I am, and thething, the word in that that
matters, is declare.
I'm not talking about yourfault.
You're to blame, right?
Nobody's making it all on yourshoulders, right, right?
Cassandra (33:47):
Nobody's making it all on your shoulders.
Brandy (33:48):
Right, it's.
I'm declaring it, I'm owning it.
I'm like out of my way, I gotthis.
Cassandra (33:53):
OK, that's power.
Yeah, it is.
Let's give us number six.
Brandy (33:58):
Number six is intentional action and support
strategies.
So this is where, I like, thetoolbox comes into play.
Language is a big one here.
A lot of times we don'tunderstand or really appreciate
the impact of our language,because our brains hear us.
So, even though you know, theway we describe something is
really powerful when thatdivorce is happening.
(34:20):
I realized, like by sayingsingle mother or divorce, that
created a world for people, justwith those words.
Right, that's right so yeah, sothe responsibility of my
language as well.
Um, with intentional action,nothing happens or will change
until we take action.
Okay, great, I said a hundredpercent responsible, I declared
that, but if I didn't pick upthat phone and say, and take the
(34:42):
action to say, hey, help meunderstand.
Cassandra (34:46):
Right, okay.
Brandy (34:47):
Um, it wouldn't have happened.
And then support strategies,because as we shift and alter
things, you know, I always givethe example of like creating
those neural pathways.
It's like being in a big cornmaze and I want to take a new
action.
I've got the beliefs I can,I've got the identity.
This is who I say I am.
I've changed my narrative aboutsome past stories, so I'm, you
know, a little bit limitless,and then my brain and my body
(35:10):
just go.
Let's go down this path again.
So, those support strategies areso important so that I can have
the tools, the courage, theresiliency, the focus to
actually be able to carve a newpath in that corn maze and go
you know, go where there isn'tone.
So those, those become reallyimportant.
Wow, and then but not least isnumber seven, and that is I
(35:37):
giggled because this was the onethat was actually as hard as
some of these may sound.
Number seven was the one thatwas hardest for me because what
your therapist said, do you likeyourself?
Number seven is gratitude andself appreciation.
It is taking the wins, it isappreciating the progress, it is
being willing, because I don'tthink a lot of people realize
(36:01):
that when you withhold your lovefrom yourself right, you have
to be willing to extend that.
And it's ultimately realizinglike I may not be where I am,
there may still be some thingsin my past.
I'm like I am enough for now.
Right, and you know one of thethings I really believe with
that is like we have story Right.
(36:24):
We have our experiences in life.
We have our experiences in life.
In my opinion, in my life and Isee it in my clients the things
that have hurt me the most arethe ways that I have abused,
abandoned, mistreated andneglected myself.
I can tell you all the thingspeople did to me.
I can tell you the hard stuff Iwent through and when I look
(36:46):
back, it's like what gets me isthe ways I abandoned, abused,
mistreated and neglected myself.
Cassandra (36:51):
And that's something that's powerful.
That's powerful.
I love the, the seven stepempowerment process, and in
order to sustain it, you have tocontinue to practice it.
Brandy (37:08):
And life gives you so many opportunities.
Yeah, that's right.
Exactly.
It's that experience too, Iremember I used to I say, ah,
I've dealt with this, what is?
My problem and it's that layer.
It's that layer.
I was just talking to a clientabout this two days ago.
She said I don't know why thisis bugging me now.
And it was about disrespectfulbehavior from men and why is
(37:28):
this really triggering me now?
And it was about disrespectfulbehavior from men and why is
this really triggering me now?
and I was like because therewere so many layers before yeah
you didn't even know that thatwas something that your body
didn't like and that your heartfelt you didn't deserve.
So it just wasn't evenrecognizable until she peeled
these layers away wow so it'sjust doing the work and that's
(37:49):
why it's so important that stepseven.
If, honestly, I see it as somuch of a throwaway.
And at the end of my coachingcalls I always get my clients.
I say, what do you want toacknowledge yourself for today?
And, oh my gosh, did they getwiggly?
I don't know.
I get again because you got tolearn to take the win.
You got to learn to appreciatethe progress.
Cassandra (38:10):
Yeah, that's true, that's so true.
And, like you said earlier, weare quick to the negative, you
know.
Tell me what's.
Oh, we can rattle that off, youknow, but just the
acknowledging, the gratitude andthe self-appreciation is
something that we have to thinkabout.
(38:31):
So your process was awareness,number one.
Number two was emotionalmastery, acceptance.
Number three was clarity ofintention what's the outcome you
want?
The four was like theconstructs.
The five was the declaringdecree and declare a hundred
(38:53):
percent of responsibility.
Number six right.
Number six is intentionalaction and support strategy.
You have to be intentional, butyou have to take action in
order to do that.
And that gratitude andself-appreciation and all of
this information is also in yourbook, correct?
Brandy (39:14):
It is.
Yes, it's laid out as far aswith the chapters, the work you
do.
So part of the book isself-health, it's my background
in psychology.
Part of it is story, isautobiography, because I'm like,
okay, if I'm going to ask youto show up and be brave and just
look, I'm going to share withyou how I've done that.
And also to create space,because sometimes my story may
(39:36):
not be the exact story, but youmay resonate with the experience
, right, so there's part storyin there.
And then there is also aworkbook spot which readers can
go to, or listeners, readers inthe book, findingselfbookcom to
get the workbook piece for free.
And it has the one thing I loveI'll just show.
The one thing I love, love aboutthis book is when I couldn't,
(39:57):
when I wasn't quite there myselfCassandra, I would hear you
know, when you get quotes andthey anchor you, you're like, ah
, maybe one day.
Right, like in the verybeginning of my book, the quote
says um, and I said to myself.
I said to myself I want to beyour friend myself, took a long
breath and replied I've beenwaiting my whole life for this.
(40:20):
No, and so the book is full ofdifferent quotes just to give
people maybe that one word, thatone thing that might ground
them like I don't quite have ityet, but it resonates.
I call it with this heartstring that that's something I
want to pay attention to.
Wow, so it's just words anchoredme when I couldn't actually
(40:40):
believe them.
Cassandra (40:41):
Yeah, that's good.
That's good, Brandy.
How can my listeners get intouch with you?
Brandy (40:49):
Brandy, how can my listeners get in touch with you?
So, on social media, I'm underFinding Self Coach on Instagram,
facebook, linkedin and, like Isaid, there is
FindingSelfCoachcom, which isjust launching and Finding Self
Book, and that's where they canget more information.
The book is available on Amazonand audio on audible, spotify
(41:11):
all the all the channels forthat as well.
So, okay, okay, I do try to putcontent on my social media as
well for free little mindsetvideos, little tips, quotes,
stuff like those tools, because,as we set having intentional
action you know it's JohnMaxwell fail forward, failing
forward to success.
(41:31):
Right, how do I support myselfas I try new things that it
feels so like butterfly and I'mso out of my comfort zone.
This isn't me, this isn't thattrodden path, right, that
becomes so important to supportyourself.
So I really try to beintentional on what I the
support I give through my socialmedia.
Cassandra (41:50):
Yeah.
Brandy (41:51):
Those are your resources .
Cassandra (41:52):
Yeah, thank you so much.
This is fabulous.
Well, brandy, we are going toclose this podcast.
I tell you this was a lot and Ijust want to share with my
listeners that this candefinitely be life changing if
this is something you want.
(42:13):
If you're in that space whereyou're wearing that mask the
mask to survive every day I knowabout that mask.
I used to wear one all the timeand if you're wearing it, you
can't see what your identity is.
And if you're wearing it, a lotof people will kind of know
you're wearing it.
They know about all this.
They can feel it likesomething's just not right.
(42:36):
But I tell you, listeners, inthe event that you felt this
podcast was of value and youknow other people that it will
be a blessing for, please shareit.
This is going to be on allpodcast platforms and, brandy,
we want to thank you when I saywe, my listeners, we all that's
(42:57):
listening, and I always tell mylisteners bye for now.
God bless you and, brandy,again, thank you so much for
coming on my podcast.
What a blessing it was.
Thank you, uh-huh Bye.
In your Way podcast and I'm your host, cassandra
Crawley-Mayo.
And for those new listeners outthere, let me share a bit about
what this podcast is about.
Actually, it's for individuals.
Well, let me tell you this thisis who I serve.
I actually serve purpose-drivenwomen to get out of their way
and live a more meaningful,spirit-aligned lives that you
(00:24):
were born for, by guiding youthrough transformational
self-discovery rooted in realtalk, faith and purpose.
So, for example, there'scertain things you've always
wanted to do.
You know within your heart ofhearts.
You're supposed to write a book.
You're supposed to get out of arelationship.
You're supposed to start being.
(00:44):
You want to become anentrepreneur, start a business,
but it's just something that youcannot move.
It's like you're just stuck init, right?
So this is basically what thisis about, and we talk about
topics related to personaldevelopment, self-improvement,
and also it will enable you tostart reflecting over things in
(01:07):
your life, and I always amprayerful that one of these
podcasts will give you what Icall an aha and say you know
what I'm going to do this?
I'm going to move, I'm going totake this move, I'm going to
get unstuck, I'm going to getthe help I need or whatever I
need to make this happen.
And so today, while headline,we're going to talk about the
(01:30):
power of becoming your identity,your story and self-worth.
So let me ask you this have youever felt like you're wearing a
mask to survive the day?
Well, I have a guest on and hername is Brandy, and I'm going
to introduce you in a minute.
But Brandy did too, and so didI.
So now she helps women removethat mask for good.
(01:54):
Her story is a raw, real lookat how we break free from who we
think we're supposed to be.
So now, listen, now on Is yourWay In your Way?
And I'd like to welcome BrandyDouglas Corcoran.
Hi Brandy, hi Cassandra, thanksso much for having me on.
Yeah, it's a pleasure to haveyou on.
(02:25):
Okay, so before we get started,I'd like to read your bio just
a little bit so my listenerswill have a point of reference,
like what qualifies you to dothis type of work?
So let me go dive into this bio.
Brandy is a transformationstrategist, spiritual
psychologist and founder ofFinding Self Coach, and she also
(02:50):
has a book titled that.
With over 30 years inleadership, psychology and
personal growth, brandy empowerswomen to dismantle limiting
beliefs and rewrite thenarratives that keep them stuck.
Once a self-described dramaqueen and burned out mom, she
(03:13):
now guides others from pain topurpose using her signature
seven-step empowerment process.
Her raw authenticity and deeplyempathetic approach creates a
safe space for breakthroughs,because she knows what it's like
to crave more from life andbelieve you are not enough.
(03:35):
I bet a lot of you when youheard that, you were like, yeah,
I need to hear what Brandy hasto say.
Oh, brandy, I want you todescribe what was happening in
your life that necessitated youto crave more from life and
believe you're not enough.
What was going on in yourbackstory?
What happened?
Brandy (03:56):
That is a big, big question.
I think the first thing I justwant to say is I've heard you
read that bio.
What was present for me is atone point when that was written,
even that wasn't the truth,that wasn't my story, that was
kind of the North Star that if Iwere to believe and that's
(04:17):
really what I work with peopleis creating an empowered
identity and belief.
So if I were to tell myself areally good story about who I
want to be, what would that be?
And as I was listening to you,I'm like you know what's cool is
.
Now that is my truth.
Cassandra (04:30):
That is my story.
Brandy (04:31):
So it's neat to see that we can live into that.
As far as what was happening inthe past, I mean, sadly I think
it's not unfamiliar to manypeople's stories of instances of
sexual trauma, abuse, just thatfeeling of self-doubt, and you
know I could tell you thestories that I say are good
(04:53):
subject lines, right, like thedrama queen stuff, and that's
all very valid and that is mystory.
The thing is, if I look below,very valid and that is my story.
The thing is, if I look below,the commonality I think your
listeners will see is it's notthe what happened.
And this is what people sayabout trauma.
It's my response, the story Imade up, the meaning, I gave it
(05:16):
the identity.
Well, this must mean this aboutme, if that could happen.
So it's traumatic and horrible.
Some of the subject lines Icould tell you were happening,
it's all the stuff that happenedin between and below the
surface.
That said, that must be proofthat I'm unlovable.
That must be proof that I don'tmatter.
That must be proof that theworld's a confusing place and I
(05:39):
don't fit in.
And that's the stuff that I, youknow, I talked to my clients,
my readers is the water I wasswimming in.
It wasn't that I had thisbelief.
It the stuff that I, you know,I talked to my clients, my
readers is the water I wasswimming in.
It wasn't that I had thisbelief, it wasn't that I felt
unlovable, it was what was so.
It was the water I was swimmingin and that really just
flavored and dictated how mylife would turn out.
Cassandra (06:02):
Well, let me ask you the water that you were swimming
in, what were you?
I mean, those thoughts andthose feelings came from
something.
Brandy (06:13):
Absolutely.
Cassandra (06:14):
Yeah, you know, and I always say and I have a chapter
in my book is your way, in yourway for my new listeners?
That's the name of my book, asit is the name of my podcast.
But I always say your childhoodhas so much to do with your
adulthood.
And when you get in that goodspace, that safe space, you're
(06:34):
like, okay, all right, that'swhat happened, but that's not
who I am today.
So what happened in your lifefor you to have that stinking
thinking?
Brandy (06:43):
And your life for you to have that stinking thinking
yeah.
So one of the experiences thatI can look back on that had the
most fundamentally impactfulresult in my life was that
experience.
You know, I always say likewhen we're about five or six,
you're just kind of like ridingyour bike playing with your
dolls.
You know doing your thing.
Cassandra (07:03):
Right.
Brandy (07:03):
And it's that moment that happens, where it was like
whoa wait, something's wrong andbecause his children were so
egocentric.
If something is wrong out here,that must mean something is
wrong in here.
And so it becomes not just thewhat's happening but it becomes
internal.
So for me, that big event and Ido write about it in my book
but the big event was I wasmolested when I was six by a
(07:27):
younger uh, pre, like a teenager, like 12, 14 year old boy and
as awful and traumatic, as likethat would be at six.
I didn't know that wasinappropriate.
I didn't know that was trauma.
But what really hurt wasoutside of these moments.
He would rally people to pickon me.
(07:49):
They would tease me, they wouldset me up, they would make fun
of me.
And in that it was that, thatbelief that developed about I
don't matter, Because if Imattered, how could I be treated
this way?
And that was very confusing.
To unpack that at six just wasimpossible.
So it also became that theworld is confusing and then
(08:10):
throughout my life.
I see you know again.
It happened when I was 11 witha babysitter.
It happened again when I was 1622 different scenarios like
that.
That just reinforced that Ireally didn't matter, that I was
here, here to be used, to betaken from, to be ridiculed, to
be put down.
Cassandra (08:29):
And.
Brandy (08:30):
I took all that on as evidence for what I felt based
on when I was six and that wasreally a confusing experience,
so is that why you labeledyourself as the drama queen?
Cassandra (08:49):
I think I did not.
Brandy (08:50):
That is a good catch, because so one of my beliefs is
that to survive something, wetake on this way of being and it
actually comes from a landmarkworldwide education I come from
a landmark worldwide educationand, at six, to survive this
experience that I don't matterand the world's confusing, one
of the ways of being I took onwas dramatic, so I can flare up
(09:14):
anything and I mean, as you seeme, it's not that it's a
negative, it's just it's a partof my way of being and it was
also something that was given tome, as that's what you said.
Like was that something thatyou decided?
It was just confirmed by otherpeople, and I think that's one
of the difficult parts aboutfinding self, getting our
identity and the way that you Ilove the name of your podcast is
(09:36):
your way, in your way.
I was thinking about that and itwas like it made a lot of sense
to me, because I find peoplecan be really disloyal to their
or loyal to their dysfunctionand that's in their own way.
With that and a lot of thethings that I identified with, I
would describe myself as camefrom well-meaning teachers,
(09:59):
parents, family members whowould tell me who I was or would
describe me.
Cassandra (10:06):
Yeah, what did they say?
You were Like, just name acouple of things.
Brandy (10:12):
Crazy like a fox crazy gram, right.
So it all had to do with and Ilove Jamie Kern Lima talks about
this.
She says you're not crazy,you're just first.
And I didn't know that then,but I was the first in my family
to really have emotionalawareness, to be very
emotionally expressive, all thethings that were being labeled
as dramatic.
(10:32):
Yeah, we're just, we're thefirst.
We didn't do that in our family.
I'm 51, so put that intoreference for, depending on your
listeners, what age they are,um, that just wasn't what you
did.
You just swept it under the rug, you just powered through, you
made fun of yourself and Iremember the quote was if you
can't laugh at yourself in thisfamily, you won't survive.
And I was like that didn't sitright, right, when it didn't sit
(10:57):
right with, at least it wasverbalizing it.
Cassandra (11:00):
Right, so you wore a mask.
It's just like yeah, you wore amask to hide your identity your
identity.
Brandy (11:12):
Yeah, I played that.
I played the part that wasgiven to me and the part that my
little six-year-old braindecided I was, and you're right,
that became my identity.
Cassandra (11:18):
Exactly.
Now tell us share a pivotalmoment that reshaped your
identity.
Brandy (11:28):
Oh, of course, as anyone , there are a few few right.
Um, I think those littlemoments along the way are
finding the people in your lifethat just love on you and lift
you up and say the things thatyou, you know.
It's like that.
Hold on to my belief until youhave it for yourself and my best
(11:48):
friend.
we've been best friends since wewere 15, in grade 10.
She has always been that personfor me that really has lifted
up and held me up.
I think the thing is along theway.
I didn't love how I was living,I was living into it, and it
wasn't until probably my divorceseven years ago where I
(12:09):
realized like I didn't like howI was doing life and who I was
being, regardless of what washappening, regardless of what he
did or why we ended, or I hadto sit with myself right yeah, I
realized like some of theactions I was doing and some of
the ways I was being weren'tanything I ever thought I wanted
(12:31):
.
And it stole the little piece ofmyself.
Each time I lied, each time I,you know, was like dishonoring
to myself in any kind of way, oranytime I just shut up and tuck
it or yeah, it just it wasn'taligned with what I felt inside.
Cassandra (12:48):
Well, let me ask you how do you identify yourself now
?
Brandy (12:57):
Who is Brandy?
Yeah, that's a great questionand I love that your focus is on
identity, because that's one ofmy beliefs as well as and Tony
Robbins speaks about it but thatwe, one of our human natures,
is that we need to remainconsistent with our identity,
with who we say we are.
I think the hard part is whenwe're not even aware of who we
(13:19):
say we are or, like I said, thatit's the water we swim in, that
we have a choice that I canchange that.
So the person that I say I amtoday is someone who values
being authentic.
Person that I say I am today issomeone who values being
authentic, values kindness, andat the same time, I know I can
also shut that down and beunkind if needed, and there's a
really great story in my bookabout that.
(13:40):
That was one of thosetransformational moments where
me identifying as kind, butidentifying as kind because I
had to be, because what drove mewas being a people pleaser and
having people's love, so I waskind to a fault where it was
like my boundaries, my safety,all of that what I needed didn't
(14:00):
matter if somebody else's needscame first.
So, yes, I still value kind andI still would describe myself
as a kind person, and I can alsostop, as I've had to do
recently, when people aretreating me a certain way.
So it's not driven by peoplepleasing, it's driven by a value
of kindness, and that's who Isay.
I am even in situations nowwhere people aren't aren't
(14:24):
showing up, aren't being kind Iwill still respond in the way
that I would respond, because Irefuse to let people change who
I now say I am.
My identity has shifted frombeing the drama queen right For
the crazy one the descriptionsthat people have given me to an
identity that I've claimed.
Cassandra (14:45):
So, yeah, so it sounds like a lot of this comes
from awareness.
You know, it's kind of like.
You know, when you were talking, I thought about a therapist
that I have and one of thethings she asked me was do you
like yourself?
And I was like, big question,yeah.
(15:06):
And I said she said, well, I'lltell you what I'd like for you
to do and I'm saying this to mylisteners as well Write a letter
(15:26):
to yourself.
Don't type it, just handwriteit.
Don't make, don't mark anythingout, don't edit it and write
down what it is that you likeabout yourself.
And just that in itself made melike, wow, I'm not so bad after
all.
You know you write down what itis that you like about yourself
.
So that by you saying that,made me think about that.
How awareness is critical.
You know that you're aware thatyou're kind and you have values
(15:47):
and you have boundaries, and tohave people in your circle
around you, that solidifies that.
Or something else I always sayis don't you know?
I always say associate withindividuals, not the yes man all
the time, but don't be socondescending.
(16:07):
You know I have someone that'sbeen condescending.
I'm like you know what I needto separate myself.
You need to take care ofyourself, and that's what you're
saying, and that's the partthat I love, and it takes me to
your mission.
You have a mission now is tohelp individuals liberate, free
(16:28):
themselves from beliefs, storiesand identities that limit them
so they can step into theirunique greatness and man.
That is amazing to me.
So, before we talk about thework you do and the steps you
take, how have you transformedlimiting beliefs into
(16:49):
empowerment, empoweringpossibilities?
How did you do that?
Brandy (16:54):
Like for myself.
Yeah, how did I?
Yes, and I love you saidawareness, because that's
actually step one in my sevensteps and that would be how it
was.
You know, I think it startedback when I was doing my
undergrad and I remember stillstruggling quite a bit.
(17:14):
I've been diagnosed withclinical depression since I was
18.
And I, since I was seven, afterthat first incident, started
seeing a child psychologist fora bit, and so it's just been a
part of my life, that thatmental health piece that I've
struggled with.
And I got to the point where Iwas on the max dose you could
take for antidepressants.
I was like young twenties, in myundergrad, and I was still so,
(17:35):
having these obsessive thoughtsand I just went this isn't just
medical, this isn't justbiological Like this.
There's other things going onthat I have to figure out or I'm
not going to survive.
And it was that realizationthat, um, and yeah, cause?
Yeah, because I had had hadfeelings and ideation of suicide
and not wanting to be herebecause it just felt hard and
(17:56):
heavy.
And I remember thinking like Ihave to get to the, to the
figure this out, or this is it,this is not, I'm not going to
survive this and that was likeearly 20s, like you have your
life ahead of you, right.
But that just felt real and inlooking that, I'd cleared out
some of the people in my lifethat were not healthy for me and
, yeah, I just really stood onmy own, which would have been
(18:17):
okay except for, like thatlittle spicy drama part of me.
When people would ask me out forthat two years in university, I
would say I'm in a relationshipwith myself.
Right now you could just say nobecause they they're like
moonwalk out of the room.
Yeah, I'm like, that's okay,but that was honoring to me,
right, as it was like I wasn'tjust not dating, I was actually
(18:38):
trying to develop.
Like you said that therapist,do you like yourself?
Oh my gosh, no to the point Iwould hurt myself so and
mentally and physically.
So I took that two years and Iliterally have a list of like
dates with myself and I tookmyself on like in a relationship
and even when people say, oh, Iwent alone, you went with
(18:59):
yourself.
It's really important to me thatI have that, that friendship
and that.
I can have my own back, andthat's one of the biggest things
I do with my clients is whenyou get to that point it's not
about teaching you how to speakin a moment, what to do, what
you're bad like yes, all of thatbut when you have that sense of
yourself, yeah, and thatrelationship, yeah, you got, you
(19:20):
got it, you got it, and sothat's really what I spent that
time doing.
And then I love the story yousaid too, because then it
reminded me when I did mymaster's in spiritual psychology
, one of the things we had to dowith the letter to yourself
you're saying is go through allthese key moments in our life
and write out for the girls itwas a herstory of loving, a
(19:41):
history of loving, and it was aherstory of loving and it was
all these key moments and reallygetting that awareness about,
like, what was going on at thattime that I can look back and
see I was hurt that somethingcame out of that with that built
my belief, my identities.
That is limiting me, that isholding me back, and then to
actually shift it and see itfrom new eyes.
(20:02):
We call it reframing.
Yeah, to have the awarenesspiece and then to actually allow
yourself to tell a new story astory that works for you yeah,
change the narrative right, it'sfunny says change the story,
change your life.
It's it was like okay, what istruth?
Is my interpretation of eventsor somebody else's
interpretation they're giving me?
(20:22):
so if that's it, then I canchange that narrative, I can
tell myself a new story and Ican see it, and so it's like
here's the same thing, and whatI do is I take people and I'm
like let's look at it on adifferent side.
I'm not validating whathappened, I'm not validating the
impact in the story.
Let's look at it from a way andtell it in a way that actually
serves you, versus limits andhurts you.
Cassandra (20:44):
Okay.
Brandy (20:45):
And that was probably one of the biggest shifts as
well.
So you call that a history ofloving, history of loving.
So, instead of seeing all these, these huge moments in your
life that created you to be whoyou are, instead of seeing them
as painful and traumatic andawful, can you like acknowledge
them, tell the story and thenchoose to write a new story
(21:06):
about it, about the meaning,about what it says about you,
about what it says about otherhumans, what it says about the
world that we live in.
And then I wrote, like someaffirmations with that, to
support that new story.
And so we did this at each agestage of life in this program
and that was reallytransformational as far as being
able to see that I have thepower within to change that
(21:28):
story.
I can't change what happenedyeah.
Cassandra (21:32):
Give my listeners an example.
I like that.
Like you know, tell a story orsomething, your history of
loving, and walk us through how,what needed to be reframed and
the narrative that you decidedto come up with.
This one story, Well, it couldbe you, that's okay, I'm just
(21:57):
trying to think of I was.
Brandy (21:58):
What's present is the story I've already told about
when I was six.
Right, that was one of thestories I reshifted and reframed
and okay, instead of from my,my current age.
At that time, when I allowedmyself to tell the story, it was
like mid-20s kind of age,instead of being a mid-20 year
old judging that six-year-oldright.
I told the story aboutconnection and about this little
(22:22):
six-year-old who got this, thisexperience of being um, having
the attention, and and shiftedit from saying that it didn't
have to mean that I didn'tmatter, but that I could see it
as somebody else's pain, I couldtake it away from what the
meaning it had for me.
(22:42):
I'm trying to think ofsomething a little less deep and
dark.
For people that have to shiftstories that have come up more
recently, I think it would justbe like I don't know Cause some
of the tools and the work I dowith people is getting them to
to ask like what else could betrue here.
(23:03):
So for everybody that story isa little bit different.
Yeah, do you have an example?
Cassandra (23:09):
I can help.
Do you have?
Do you have like a, sincedepression's a big thing in the
world?
You know it's, it's taboo ithas been, you know and people
don't want to talk about it.
But more people are talkingabout it and you know, and you
have a bout of it is there, youknow, and, and like you.
(23:30):
You.
Brandy (23:31):
Just you have a bout of it is there, you know, and, and
like you, you just you're aware,you confess, you know I was
clinically diagnosed withclinical depression at 18, so
how did you get through that?
Cassandra (23:42):
how did that become okay?
Brandy (23:46):
I think just that, cassandra, exactly what you're
saying.
Okay, it's for me finding self,it's the integration of all
parts, and I still struggle withthis on parts I'm less proud of
.
I was just having aconversation with a coaching
client this morning about that.
It's like you did what you didand you didn't do what you
didn't do.
Right, so it's, it's thatacceptance of like.
I truly believe that we arealways trying the best we can,
(24:10):
given what we have at thatmoment.
So it's really easy for me tolook at my past self now and go
yeah, and cringe and I do likeit's something like oh, so it's
like deciding.
You know what.
She was doing the best shecould.
Ok, she was struggling with aneed to be like seen and like
she didn't know how to expressherself.
She didn't know how to ask whatshe needed and wanted.
(24:32):
So instead there's this weird,funky, inauthentic, manipulative
behavior.
I'm trying to get my way,without admitting it's my way,
but wanting you to want it to bemy way and with, with
depression and in those momentsand I actually I've shared with
you before we came on camera,some of the the stuff and the
family upset and tragedy that'sgoing on in our lives right now
(24:55):
and I've really had to walk thetalk as far as, like, acceptance
.
This is not how I want to showup, this is not what I would
prefer to be doing in my liferight now, going through this,
when I had all these businessplans and all these ideas and I
was on this track with my healthand my weight and like, and
it's like.
In those moments, can I stillshow up for myself?
(25:17):
Can I acknowledge what my bodyfeels, what my heart feels, what
my brain's thinking?
Can I just acknowledge itwithout engaging and believing?
and still deciding that I canstill tell the story, but what
we resist persists.
So if we don't have thatacceptance piece, what happens
(25:41):
is that we spend so much timeand energy resisting and it just
gets louder.
I always say if you don'tlisten, the universe turns up
the volume and gives you abigger opportunity to hear what
needs to be dealt with and saidand accepted.
And that actually is.
It's almost like you're walkingthrough it.
That is one of my steps as well.
Is that the first step isawareness.
(26:01):
Okay, your beliefs, right,conscious or not, they're going
to run your life, because youknow, we all hear the saying um,
I believe it because I see it.
It's actually you see itbecause you believe it.
Right, you're a little.
What am I supposed to look for?
And then your identity, becauseyou want to stay consistent
(26:22):
with who you say you are okay sokindness.
Right, I said kindness and ithad me not leave a situation
that was hard because I wastrapped in kindness.
So your identity, good, bad orotherwise.
If I say I'm that, that's whatI will live according to.
So step one is that awareness,that beliefs and identity.
(26:43):
And I say who is running you?
Because whether you see it ornot, it is going to run you.
Cassandra (26:49):
And then so acceptance.
Yes, so the second one isbelief.
Brandy (26:54):
No, the first one is awareness, right, just starting
to understand what your beliefs,identity, are.
The second one is emotionalmastery, so really starting to
learn how to be with yourfeelings, how to process them,
how to accept them, and soemotional mastery and acceptance
okay, and with that one, youknow we really look at like
language and shitting onyourself and right, all of those
(27:16):
behaviors that indicate, hey, I, I, just there's parts of me I
can't accept and I'm sorry, butyou aren't going to have that
integration and and authenticself if there's still parts of
myself I'm judging for what Idid when I didn't know what, I
didn't even know.
Cassandra (27:32):
That's right, right yeah.
Brandy (27:33):
Right.
So those are the first twosteps.
It's almost like you've beengiven a heads up and you know
how to get it, or they're justcommon sense, but we just have a
problem.
Cassandra (27:42):
Yeah, so you.
You led me into the nextquestion.
I wanted to know what the sevenstep empowerment process is.
So the first one is awarenessand second one is emotional
mastery.
What's your third?
Brandy (27:58):
Emotional mastery and acceptance is that second step.
And the third one is thatclarity of intention and it's
funny when I ask my clients ishow, especially moms and and
later on in life, when I say,what do you want?
And that clarity of intentionis what outcome do I want?
(28:20):
Cause we forget.
We forget that we actually getto design our lives.
We forget that we actually getto say, because you just wake up
one day and you're like how didI get here?
And without that awarenesspiece and that acceptance, we
don't know.
Cassandra (28:38):
Right, right so we don't.
Brandy (28:41):
Actually, we forget that we can say so.
Clarity of intention is likewhat do you want?
What do you want yourrelationships to look like?
What do you want your physicalhealth to like?
What do you want your physicalhealth to be?
What do you want?
Just even the way you show up.
You know through the process ofwho I became after that divorce
, when I realized that I didn'tlove the person I was seeing in
the mirror I didn't even knowher.
I was like you said you wouldnever be this right.
(29:03):
I always say people say peoplewho love me, or how could you're
actually, how you're amazingand you know people who love you
say all the loving things andone of my favorite things, I'm
in a relationship now.
I'm engaged in a relationshipfor just over six years and one
of my favorite things is who Iam in that relationship.
OK it spoils me.
(29:24):
Yes, we have communication.
Yes, we have all the things,and one of my favorite things is
who I am.
So when people say how couldSean have left you, how could he
divorce you, I say Sean didn't.
Sean wasn't married to the sameperson.
Travis gets to date because wearen't the same.
So that clarity of intention isis about understanding like,
(29:47):
wow, if I could say this andmake this happen, what would I
pick?
Cassandra (29:54):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, okay, okay, number four.
Brandy (29:59):
Number four is now that we know what we want.
It's about constructingempowered identity, beliefs and
stories empowered identity,beliefs and stories.
So, if I can change thenarrative, if it is just about
the story, because if there wasone truth, why wouldn't?
we all see it the same way,right?
So if it is about that, I canchange the narrative.
(30:20):
If I get to say who I am,regardless of my past,
regardless of where I came from,if I get to tell who I am, my
identity, and I get to decidewhat I'm going to believe, what
I'm going to tell my brainbecause it only has to be at
least 51%- right.
Reinforced over time.
Your brain will seek thatevidence.
So if I get to do all that now,step four is about constructing
(30:42):
empowered beliefs, identity andstories.
So, if it's all what we sayanyways, why not tell yourself a
story that works?
Cassandra (30:51):
Okay, and number five .
Brandy (30:55):
This one.
This one takes a few sessions.
It's declaring 100%responsibility.
Okay, for yourself for foreverything your life, your
relationships and this is why ittakes some work, because often
we talk about socialrelationships like 50, 50, but
(31:16):
if you really think about it,that's kind of weird.
Like where would you put thatline and how would you?
Oh no, that's your part andthat.
Oh, yeah, and if you declare ahundred percent responsibility,
this is your power.
This is the only place that Ican actually engage change.
So I'll give you an example forthat because I like exams.
(31:36):
I find that's part the reasonmy book is part autobiography is
like let's put it on the court,otherwise it's just concepts,
right?
So, um, when the divorce washappening, I said to my, I said
to myself I picked an intentionthat I would have a family I am
proud of, where everyone washappy, healthy, whole and
complete.
And that was my North North Star.
(31:57):
That was my guiding light.
Cassandra (31:59):
All the mess.
Brandy (32:00):
All the upset, all the fear, all the like story of
single mom, what that?
Cassandra (32:03):
looked like.
Brandy (32:05):
And I was communicating with my ex and we were battling
back and forth about it was aschedule thing and I was like I
don't understand how he can'tsee this and he was standing for
his ground and said we hung upa couple times and would come
back into the conversation and Ijust stopped myself like hours
(32:25):
later this has been a process ofthe day and I went a family I'm
proud of okay, that's myintention.
If I'm a hundred percentresponsible for that, what does
that look like on the court?
and I called him back and I saidI don't understand.
Can you help me understand?
Okay this is what I'm hearingand he explained that when we
(32:45):
don't have a schedule, he feltlike he was at my beck and call
and that he didn't feelrespected, like he had a whole
story about us not having aspecific schedule and me
changing things up and it was hefelt disrespected.
So his meaning making, butultimately he was like, without
a schedule, I feel this way oh,I can do a schedule.
(33:07):
So by declaring a hundredpercent responsibility and me
saying like I want to get thisfrom his perspective, it gave me
access to, like, what wasactually turned out to be a very
small thing.
But before that point, with melike no, that's your fault.
Why don't you understand whatI'm going through?
And it was a battle.
So declaring 100%responsibility is like what do I
need to do?
(33:28):
Who do I need to be to havethis altar?
And I declared that I wasresponsible for that, not him.
Okay, I was, I am, and thething, the word in that that
matters, is declare.
I'm not talking about yourfault.
You're to blame, right?
Nobody's making it all on yourshoulders, right, right?
Cassandra (33:47):
Nobody's making it all on your shoulders.
Brandy (33:48):
Right, it's.
I'm declaring it, I'm owning it.
I'm like out of my way, I gotthis.
Cassandra (33:53):
OK, that's power.
Yeah, it is.
Let's give us number six.
Brandy (33:58):
Number six is intentional action and support
strategies.
So this is where, I like, thetoolbox comes into play.
Language is a big one here.
A lot of times we don'tunderstand or really appreciate
the impact of our language,because our brains hear us.
So, even though you know, theway we describe something is
really powerful when thatdivorce is happening.
(34:20):
I realized, like by sayingsingle mother or divorce, that
created a world for people, justwith those words.
Right, that's right so yeah, sothe responsibility of my
language as well.
Um, with intentional action,nothing happens or will change
until we take action.
Okay, great, I said a hundredpercent responsible, I declared
that, but if I didn't pick upthat phone and say, and take the
(34:42):
action to say, hey, help meunderstand.
Cassandra (34:46):
Right, okay.
Brandy (34:47):
Um, it wouldn't have happened.
And then support strategies,because as we shift and alter
things, you know, I always givethe example of like creating
those neural pathways.
It's like being in a big cornmaze and I want to take a new
action.
I've got the beliefs I can,I've got the identity.
This is who I say I am.
I've changed my narrative aboutsome past stories, so I'm, you
know, a little bit limitless,and then my brain and my body
(35:10):
just go.
Let's go down this path again.
So, those support strategies areso important so that I can have
the tools, the courage, theresiliency, the focus to
actually be able to carve a newpath in that corn maze and go
you know, go where there isn'tone.
So those, those become reallyimportant.
Wow, and then but not least isnumber seven, and that is I
(35:37):
giggled because this was the onethat was actually as hard as
some of these may sound.
Number seven was the one thatwas hardest for me because what
your therapist said, do you likeyourself?
Number seven is gratitude andself appreciation.
It is taking the wins, it isappreciating the progress, it is
being willing, because I don'tthink a lot of people realize
(36:01):
that when you withhold your lovefrom yourself right, you have
to be willing to extend that.
And it's ultimately realizinglike I may not be where I am,
there may still be some thingsin my past.
I'm like I am enough for now.
Right, and you know one of thethings I really believe with
that is like we have story Right.
(36:24):
We have our experiences in life.
We have our experiences in life.
In my opinion, in my life and Isee it in my clients the things
that have hurt me the most arethe ways that I have abused,
abandoned, mistreated andneglected myself.
I can tell you all the thingspeople did to me.
I can tell you the hard stuff Iwent through and when I look
(36:46):
back, it's like what gets me isthe ways I abandoned, abused,
mistreated and neglected myself.
Cassandra (36:51):
And that's something that's powerful.
That's powerful.
I love the, the seven stepempowerment process, and in
order to sustain it, you have tocontinue to practice it.
Brandy (37:08):
And life gives you so many opportunities.
Yeah, that's right.
Exactly.
It's that experience too, Iremember I used to I say, ah,
I've dealt with this, what is?
My problem and it's that layer.
It's that layer.
I was just talking to a clientabout this two days ago.
She said I don't know why thisis bugging me now.
And it was about disrespectfulbehavior from men and why is
(37:28):
this really triggering me now?
And it was about disrespectfulbehavior from men and why is
this really triggering me now?
and I was like because therewere so many layers before yeah
you didn't even know that thatwas something that your body
didn't like and that your heartfelt you didn't deserve.
So it just wasn't evenrecognizable until she peeled
these layers away wow so it'sjust doing the work and that's
(37:49):
why it's so important that stepseven.
If, honestly, I see it as somuch of a throwaway.
And at the end of my coachingcalls I always get my clients.
I say, what do you want toacknowledge yourself for today?
And, oh my gosh, did they getwiggly?
I don't know.
I get again because you got tolearn to take the win.
You got to learn to appreciatethe progress.
Cassandra (38:10):
Yeah, that's true, that's so true.
And, like you said earlier, weare quick to the negative, you
know.
Tell me what's.
Oh, we can rattle that off, youknow, but just the
acknowledging, the gratitude andthe self-appreciation is
something that we have to thinkabout.
(38:31):
So your process was awareness,number one.
Number two was emotionalmastery, acceptance.
Number three was clarity ofintention what's the outcome you
want?
The four was like theconstructs.
The five was the declaringdecree and declare a hundred
(38:53):
percent of responsibility.
Number six right.
Number six is intentionalaction and support strategy.
You have to be intentional, butyou have to take action in
order to do that.
And that gratitude andself-appreciation and all of
this information is also in yourbook, correct?
Brandy (39:14):
It is.
Yes, it's laid out as far aswith the chapters, the work you
do.
So part of the book isself-health, it's my background
in psychology.
Part of it is story, isautobiography, because I'm like,
okay, if I'm going to ask youto show up and be brave and just
look, I'm going to share withyou how I've done that.
And also to create space,because sometimes my story may
(39:36):
not be the exact story, but youmay resonate with the experience
, right, so there's part storyin there.
And then there is also aworkbook spot which readers can
go to, or listeners, readers inthe book, findingselfbookcom to
get the workbook piece for free.
And it has the one thing I loveI'll just show.
The one thing I love, love aboutthis book is when I couldn't,
(39:57):
when I wasn't quite there myselfCassandra, I would hear you
know, when you get quotes andthey anchor you, you're like, ah
, maybe one day.
Right, like in the verybeginning of my book, the quote
says um, and I said to myself.
I said to myself I want to beyour friend myself, took a long
breath and replied I've beenwaiting my whole life for this.
(40:20):
No, and so the book is full ofdifferent quotes just to give
people maybe that one word, thatone thing that might ground
them like I don't quite have ityet, but it resonates.
I call it with this heartstring that that's something I
want to pay attention to.
Wow, so it's just words anchoredme when I couldn't actually
(40:40):
believe them.
Cassandra (40:41):
Yeah, that's good.
That's good, Brandy.
How can my listeners get intouch with you?
Brandy (40:49):
Brandy, how can my listeners get in touch with you?
So, on social media, I'm underFinding Self Coach on Instagram,
facebook, linkedin and, like Isaid, there is
FindingSelfCoachcom, which isjust launching and Finding Self
Book, and that's where they canget more information.
The book is available on Amazonand audio on audible, spotify
(41:11):
all the all the channels forthat as well.
So, okay, okay, I do try to putcontent on my social media as
well for free little mindsetvideos, little tips, quotes,
stuff like those tools, because,as we set having intentional
action you know it's JohnMaxwell fail forward, failing
forward to success.
(41:31):
Right, how do I support myselfas I try new things that it
feels so like butterfly and I'mso out of my comfort zone.
This isn't me, this isn't thattrodden path, right, that
becomes so important to supportyourself.
So I really try to beintentional on what I the
support I give through my socialmedia.
Cassandra (41:50):
Yeah.
Brandy (41:51):
Those are your resources .
Cassandra (41:52):
Yeah, thank you so much.
This is fabulous.
Well, brandy, we are going toclose this podcast.
I tell you this was a lot and Ijust want to share with my
listeners that this candefinitely be life changing if
this is something you want.
(42:13):
If you're in that space whereyou're wearing that mask the
mask to survive every day I knowabout that mask.
I used to wear one all the timeand if you're wearing it, you
can't see what your identity is.
And if you're wearing it, a lotof people will kind of know
you're wearing it.
They know about all this.
They can feel it likesomething's just not right.
(42:36):
But I tell you, listeners, inthe event that you felt this
podcast was of value and youknow other people that it will
be a blessing for, please shareit.
This is going to be on allpodcast platforms and, brandy,
we want to thank you when I saywe, my listeners, we all that's
(42:57):
listening, and I always tell mylisteners bye for now.
God bless you and, brandy,again, thank you so much for
coming on my podcast.
What a blessing it was.
Thank you, uh-huh Bye.
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