August 19, 2025 • 19 mins
Ego reclamation might sound contradictory to Islamic spiritual teachings, yet for Muslim women, it represents a critical step toward mental health and authentic faith. This episode challenges conventional wisdom about ego work by introducing a revolutionary concept: ego as a tool that can be picked up when needed and put down when not.
Drawing from Islamic spiritual tradition, we explore the three states of nafs (ego) - the commanding self that urges toward sin, the reproaching self that swings between mistakes and regret, and the tranquil self in a state of peace. What if developing a healthy ego doesn't make you a selfish Muslim woman, but instead anchors you more firmly in your faith?
The dominant spiritual language around ego - crushing it, controlling it, suppressing it - was primarily designed for men's spiritual struggles. For women already socialized to erase themselves, this approach causes harm rather than healing. When a Muslim woman struggles with voicelessness, people-pleasing, or hyper-responsibility, the solution isn't further ego diminishment but thoughtful reclamation. This episode distinguishes between true humility and ongoing humiliation, clarifying that submission in Islam means erasing yourself before Allah alone - not before other people.
Discover how to discern when to strengthen your ego (setting boundaries, speaking up) versus when to dissolve it (in prayer, deep connection). A woman grounded in her values through a healthy ego becomes difficult to mistreat - not because she's confrontational, but because she's anchored in a dignity that recognizes manipulation and shame for what they are. Join us as we explore this path to mental health that honors both your personhood and your faith commitment.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today we're going to be talkingabout a rather surprising topic,
or at least it's an old topic,but I'm going to be talking
about it in a rather surprisingway.
Or at least it's an old topic,but I'm going to be talking
(00:25):
about it in a rather surprisingway, something that you might
not have heard before and thathas to do with reclaiming your
ego.
When I say ego, I'm not talkingabout becoming arrogant or
selfish.
In Islamic spiritualitytradition, the word nafs is
what's used as ego, but itrefers to very many different
states of the self.
I'm going to talk about thethree most common ones that are
(00:47):
mentioned.
One is the commanding self, thenafs al-ammara, which urges you
towards sin and asks you toindulge in your desires.
Then there's the reproachingself, the nafs al-lawwama, that
swings between mistakes andregret and asks you to correct
yourself.
And then there's the tranquilself, nafs al-mutma'inna, a
(01:09):
state of peace and contentment.
So when I'm inviting you toreclaim your ego, I'm asking you
to create the tranquil andanchored sense of self.
I'm going to be unpacking a lotof ideas, so I decided to make
two podcast episodes out of thistopic, because I think
reclaiming your ego isabsolutely critical for mental
(01:30):
health for Muslim women, and I'mgoing to be offering you a lot
of practical steps.
By the end of these episodes,inshallah, you will see that
reclaiming your ego does notmean that you're a bad Muslim
woman, bad wife, selfishdaughter.
It makes you aware of yourworth and through that, it
anchors you in your faith,inshallah.
So while I've described to youthe most commonly defined modes
(01:52):
of the nafs or the ego, we'regoing to be concentrating on
nafs al-muttam'inna, thetranquil soul, and in this case
the word soul can be usedinterchangeably as ego, when in
other senses it might not standfor the same meaning.
So one of my friends, drJennifer Clark she's a brilliant
clinician with many modes anddiverse forms of training behind
(02:13):
her.
I recently finished mypsychedelic-assisted
psychotherapy training with her.
She once said something thatreally resonated with me.
She said ego is a tool that youcan pick up and put down.
So, in other words, it's not acurse, it's not a flaw, it's
just a tool for you to use, andthis sentence shifted something
very deep in me, which is whatprompted me to make these
(02:34):
podcasts.
For a very long time, you mighthave been told to treat your
sense of self like it's somesort of monster to slay, or even
a badge to wear for yourrecognition.
And because of all of thatprogramming, I always thought
that I either had to kill it tobe spiritual or cling to it just
if I want to reclaim any sortof power or success.
But in this case, if it is atool, it gave me permission to
(02:59):
approach it with both reverenceand responsibility.
It's like a blade in yourkitchen that's capable of
slicing a fruit or slicing yourfinger.
It's not the tool that'sdangerous, it's how you use it,
and for many Muslim women, thatsense of healthy reclamation of
this tool is lacking.
So I personally startedtreating my ego as a Swiss
(03:19):
arming knife.
I pull it out when I need tospeak the hard truth, when a
boundary needs to be held, and Iuse it to say no, it's not like
that, without flinching,without apologizing, using my
voice, and I put it all awaywhen I enter prayer, when I'm
listening with openness, whenI'm connecting with my loved
ones, when my heart needs to beemptied before Allah.
(03:41):
That's the difference betweenego stewardship and ego
suppression.
Suppression is what mostlywomen are taught.
This practice of egostewardship is going to start
changing your life in verysubtle but powerful ways.
When you walk in a room whereyou think people might
underestimate you, it might beyour reason to turn the dial up,
(04:02):
not to prove anything, but justto stay present and grounded in
your skills and your talent.
This is ego used with precision.
When someone tries to guilt youinto silence, saying that's not
what a good Muslim wife orwoman would do, then don't
flinch, don't argue, don'tjustify.
If you have a sense of healthyego, it will hold the line like
(04:23):
a doormat.
It will say that belief is notwelcome here.
You can carry that belief, butthat's not for me to adopt.
And when you're into Jude, whenyou are with your creator, you
drop the tool entirely.
You don't need any kind ofperformance.
There's nothing to defend inthat moment.
And this is your talent ofmaking your ego quiet.
(04:45):
Not crushing it, not demonizingit, just releasing it.
Because when you trust yourselfto pick it up again when the
moment calls crushing it, notdemonizing it, just releasing it
.
Because when you trust yourselfto pick it up again when the
moment calls for it.
It'll be easy for you to let itgo, and this is the kind of ego
work that I really want to talkto you about, especially for
Muslim women.
You're told since childhood toleave your ego, but you're never
(05:05):
taught to build one in thefirst place.
And I'm here to say that you'renot only allowed to have it,
you're allowed to build ahealthy sense of it, not to
dominate others, but just todiscern the truth for yourself,
not to inflate yourself, but toanchor your self-worth.
So why I think this became avery common message is because
diminishing the ego is promotedas the solution for men's mental
(05:28):
health struggles.
Because think of the messagingaround anger management, around
controlling and dominantbehavior, around learning to
surrender.
In this framing, ego is seen asthe root cause of toxic
masculinity.
So the solution naturallybecomes to shrink the ego,
detach from that status, be moreemotionally expressive, become
(05:49):
less controlling.
This makes sense in many malecontexts, because ego has
historically been weaponized toassert dominance over others,
especially dominance over women,other weaker men or children.
But when you apply the sameego-diminishing approach to
women like a blanket statement,it backfires.
That's because women,especially Muslim women, are
(06:13):
already socialized to erasethemselves, not to take up space
, to doubt their needs andinstincts, and equate humility
with worthiness, when we knowthat worthiness is not earned,
it's always intact.
If a woman is alreadyconditioned all her life to put
others first, then telling herto diminish her ego even more is
(06:35):
going to be extremelydetrimental.
So, for example, when a Muslimman struggles with rage or
arrogance at home, diminishinghis ego is going to be about
learning to listen.
Listen to his wife, give regardto other people's voice without
feeling attacked, to stopdefending his pride at the
expense of connection.
That's what ego diminishingdoes.
(06:57):
But when a Muslim womanstruggles with voicelessness,
over-functioning,hyper-responsibility,
people-pleasing, the solution isnot to surrender the ego even
more, it's to reclaim it.
You're going to need tostrengthen your ego, to say no
without guilt, to honor yourdesires, to speak up in a room
(07:17):
where you're the only Muslimprofessional.
That is what healthy ego isabout Picking up the tool and
using it when you need it.
This is the ego that anchorsyou in your sense of dignity and
agency and lets you trust yourperspective.
It's the spine of your soul.
Without it, you collapse intomartyrdom, constant resentment
and invisible emotional labor.
(07:38):
So no, I'm never going to saythat ego is always the problem
For women.
A lot of times, the lack of egois the very thing that's causing
the problem, and the realhealing means that you're going
to be discerning between the twothe moment where you need to
dissolve your ego and the momentwhere you need to develop it.
Islam does not ask you toignore your desires.
(08:01):
It asks you to channel them ina way that honors the limits and
the mercy of Allah subhanahu wata'ala.
Ignoring them, suppressing them, pretending that they don't
exist.
That's going to breedresentment and disconnection,
and that's exactly shaitan'strick.
And, above all, it's going todisconnect you from yourself,
from your heart, from Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala.
(08:22):
The thought is that when youreclaim your ego, you're not
being selfish, you're anchoringyourself, you're making sure
that you're not giving from ahollow cup.
But many of you are still underthe impression that, because
diminishing the ego is a commonprescription for men's mental
health struggles, it must alsobe the solution for women's.
It's not.
(08:43):
What gets labeled as ego inwomen is just confidence, or
boundaries, or refusing to overfunction.
When you stand up for thesevalues, you're told she's gotten
too full of herself.
What that usually means isshe's no longer willing to
overextend, she's no longerwilling to accept less than what
she deserves.
So when people judge yourhealthy ego reclamation, that's
(09:05):
because they're operating from anarrow lens.
You're going to let them.
Let them misunderstand you, letthem say what they want.
Their judgment has no bearingon your integrity or your
intention.
Your intentions are for you toset and they're completely under
your control.
You do not owe them anyexplanation and you don't need
to defend yourself.
(09:26):
This process of healthy egoreclamation is a slow, steady
returning to yourself, and itmight look like rebellion to
others, who are used to youbeing always silent, but it's
not a rebellion, it'sstewardship.
It's honoring the amanah ofyour dignity, the safeguarding
of the soul that Allah subhanahuwa ta'ala fashioned, that
(09:48):
you're trying to accomplishexcellence through.
And you cannot accomplish thatexcellence, that ihsan, if
you're completely erasing thatsense of self.
And of course, a part of thatstewardship is keeping your ego
in check.
But self-confidence is not thesame as arrogance.
Your true self-worth isanchored in gratitude,
(10:09):
consciousness of Allah, andthat's what keeps you grounded
and that discernment is what'sgoing to keep your self-respect
from sliding intoself-righteousness.
So start with small acts ofself-respect.
There's no need for granddeclarations or public arguments
or announcements.
Just start with subtle shiftsin how you see yourself, how you
(10:29):
speak to yourself, how you showup, when you start to reclaim
your sense of ego, you becomethe opposite of the shallow
Muslimah that other people mightbe claiming you to be, and this
is how you start to honor yourcreator by honoring yourself.
Yes, like I've said before, thefear of arrogance, entitlement,
vanity, they're all real andvalid, and Islam warns you about
(10:51):
this.
Kibber is the pride that makesyou look down on others.
It warns you against boastingabout yourself, about seeking
praise and status.
These are all spiritual poisonsand I'm not talking about
completely ignoring them.
But when you take that fear toofar, when you're afraid of
becoming arrogant, that you evenkill off your healthy ego,
that's when you'll end up in thestate of total ego dissolution.
(11:13):
And I've seen it way too oftenin my coaching program Not being
able to speak up in a meeting,constantly saying silent in face
of injustice, afraid of beinglabeled difficult.
A mother who's constantlyexhausted but doesn't ask for
help because she doesn't want toseem as entitled.
And a woman who gives, givesand gives and then feels shame
(11:35):
for having any humanly needs.
You can voluntarily relinquishyour rights for the sake of
Allah SWT and in fact there isan immense reward in that when
it comes from a place ofstrength and choice, like being
in service of your family untilyou're bone tired.
But that has to come from asense of healthy ego that you're
choosing and willingly doingthis, because only then you're
(11:58):
going to be able to stop whenyou're overextending yourself
and not feel like you'redisposable.
And yes, submission is Islam, isabout erasing yourself, but
only in front of Allah.
That is the sacred erasure thatis not meant for anything and
anyone else.
You are not asked to dissolveyour identity for your husband
(12:18):
or your in-laws or your boss oryour kids.
That level of surrender isreserved only for Allah alone.
Everywhere else in your life,your task might actually be
opposite to pick up this ego ormaybe just to discern, to choose
when to pick up your ego andwhen to lay it down and use it
like a well-calibrated tool.
(12:39):
The key word here is willinglypicking it up and putting it
down, because when you do itwillingly, it becomes a
spiritual act.
Putting it down Because whenyou do it willingly, it becomes
a spiritual act.
When you do it out of socialconditioning, it leads to
drastic self-abandonment, andthat's what most women's mental
health is struggling with, andthis is what I usually coach on.
This act of healthy egoreclamation becomes worship,
(13:02):
because you are allowingyourself to know that you have
dignity and that is an amana,and you're carrying it with care
.
So while submission is a kindof erasure, it also has a
direction and a space.
There is a choice behind it.
When you are eyeballs deep inpeople pleasing, overextending,
hyper-performing or not beingable to perform at all, all the
(13:25):
while not having any financialindependence, any true
connections in your relationship, it's time for you to course
correct and reclaim some of thathealthy ego.
Shaitan loves when you confusehumility with ongoing
humiliation.
He loves it when you silenceyourself and call it sabr, when
you forget your likes anddislikes and call it modesty,
(13:48):
when you tolerate disrespect andyou call it taking the high
road.
Shaytan loves to strip you ofyour God-given dignity while
convincing you that it's pietyUntil eventually it becomes
harder and harder, or evenimpossible, to tell the
difference between being humblebefore Allah and being
humiliated by people.
But Allah does not ask for thathumiliation.
(14:08):
He asks for your submissiononly to him.
And that means lowering yourvoice when it matters and
raising it when the time isright, and having the wisdom of
knowing the difference betweenthe two.
This healthy ego reclamationthat I'm talking about it is not
optional is absolutelynecessary for today's Muslim
woman, because that woman who isgrounded in her values through
(14:31):
this healthy ego, she is verydifficult to mistreat.
I mean, the world can try andit will try, but mistreatment
just doesn't land the same wayfor her.
If you're that woman anchoredinto your healthy ego, the world
cannot convince you that youare the problem.
You might look at your mistakesand be willing to correct them
when you put your ego down, butwhen you don't completely
(14:54):
demolish your sense of self,when your healthy ego is intact,
you don't absorb every sidewayscomment, every guilt trip,
every attempt to shame you.
You will feel it, you willdiscern it, you will be able to
deal with it in a healthy way,but you will not internalize it.
And this is why I say that thedominant language around ego,
about crushing it, controllingit, suppressing it, is deeply
(15:17):
masculine.
That approach was built for adifferent kind of struggle
altogether.
Only men have mostlyhistorically been taught to lead
, dominate and exert power.
So, yes, their spiritual growthrequires ego dismantling, but
that's not true for women.
You've been conditioned,generation after generation, to
(15:38):
erase yourself, to keep yourselfsmall, to serve without
question, to swallow your needsuntil you start to equate your
silence with strength and burnout with barakah.
To swallow your needs until youstart to equate your silence
with strength and burnout withbarakah.
So when you apply that samesize fits all spiritual teaching
that fighting the ego will fixyour problems, the woman who's
only been trained to betrayherself is not going to heal,
(16:01):
it's going to damage her evenmore.
And if I haven't made this clearenough, I'm going to make it
clear again when I talk aboutego clear enough, I'm going to
make it clear again when I talkabout ego reclamation, I'm not
talking about Hawa, the basedesires or the primal impulses
that Islam teaches you against,and it asks you to regulate them
through obedience to Allah.
And I hope I've given enoughexamples.
(16:22):
If not, I'm going to continueto talk about this more.
So this concept is very clearin your mind.
The ego I'm talking about isyour core identity, your
personhood as it relates to yourrelationship with Allah, the
identity that constantly relatesto Allah in all of its actions
(16:43):
and affairs.
Humility is when you lower yourwings out of compassion.
Humiliation is when you letpeople walk on them, and wisdom
is when you know your wings outof compassion.
Humiliation is when you letpeople walk on them, and wisdom
is when you know the differencebetween the two.
That's what you're going to getused to when you use ego as a
tool, as it's supposed to be.
Your sense of self, separation,identity, the I or whatever it
(17:03):
is that you call it in themodern language.
This is what needs to beprotected as a Muslim woman for
you to align yourself withdivine love.
Otherwise, you'll be walkingaround convinced that you don't
deserve that love.
So, yes, you absolutely have toreclaim your sense of self as a
Muslim woman.
That is your channel to mentalhealth, and in the next episode
(17:24):
we're going to talk about how toreclaim your healthy ego.
With that, I pray to Allah SWT.
Ya Allah, grant me a sense ofself that is steady and sincere.
Help me create a healthy senseof self.
Help me carry my voice withgrace and my boundaries with
wisdom.
Let my presence reflect thedignity that you placed in me.
(17:47):
Wisdom.
Let my presence reflect thedignity that you placed in me.
Help me anchor my heart in youso that I no longer seek
validation from the places thatcannot give it to me.
Guide me to use my ego as atool for truth, protection and
spirituality.
Let every step I take be guidedby your light.
Ameen, ya Rabbul, ameen, pleasekeep me in your duas.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today we're going to be talkingabout a rather surprising topic,
or at least it's an old topic,but I'm going to be talking
about it in a rather surprisingway.
Or at least it's an old topic,but I'm going to be talking
(00:25):
about it in a rather surprisingway, something that you might
not have heard before and thathas to do with reclaiming your
ego.
When I say ego, I'm not talkingabout becoming arrogant or
selfish.
In Islamic spiritualitytradition, the word nafs is
what's used as ego, but itrefers to very many different
states of the self.
I'm going to talk about thethree most common ones that are
(00:47):
mentioned.
One is the commanding self, thenafs al-ammara, which urges you
towards sin and asks you toindulge in your desires.
Then there's the reproachingself, the nafs al-lawwama, that
swings between mistakes andregret and asks you to correct
yourself.
And then there's the tranquilself, nafs al-mutma'inna, a
(01:09):
state of peace and contentment.
So when I'm inviting you toreclaim your ego, I'm asking you
to create the tranquil andanchored sense of self.
I'm going to be unpacking a lotof ideas, so I decided to make
two podcast episodes out of thistopic, because I think
reclaiming your ego isabsolutely critical for mental
(01:30):
health for Muslim women, and I'mgoing to be offering you a lot
of practical steps.
By the end of these episodes,inshallah, you will see that
reclaiming your ego does notmean that you're a bad Muslim
woman, bad wife, selfishdaughter.
It makes you aware of yourworth and through that, it
anchors you in your faith,inshallah.
So while I've described to youthe most commonly defined modes
(01:52):
of the nafs or the ego, we'regoing to be concentrating on
nafs al-muttam'inna, thetranquil soul, and in this case
the word soul can be usedinterchangeably as ego, when in
other senses it might not standfor the same meaning.
So one of my friends, drJennifer Clark she's a brilliant
clinician with many modes anddiverse forms of training behind
(02:13):
her.
I recently finished mypsychedelic-assisted
psychotherapy training with her.
She once said something thatreally resonated with me.
She said ego is a tool that youcan pick up and put down.
So, in other words, it's not acurse, it's not a flaw, it's
just a tool for you to use, andthis sentence shifted something
very deep in me, which is whatprompted me to make these
(02:34):
podcasts.
For a very long time, you mighthave been told to treat your
sense of self like it's somesort of monster to slay, or even
a badge to wear for yourrecognition.
And because of all of thatprogramming, I always thought
that I either had to kill it tobe spiritual or cling to it just
if I want to reclaim any sortof power or success.
But in this case, if it is atool, it gave me permission to
(02:59):
approach it with both reverenceand responsibility.
It's like a blade in yourkitchen that's capable of
slicing a fruit or slicing yourfinger.
It's not the tool that'sdangerous, it's how you use it,
and for many Muslim women, thatsense of healthy reclamation of
this tool is lacking.
So I personally startedtreating my ego as a Swiss
(03:19):
arming knife.
I pull it out when I need tospeak the hard truth, when a
boundary needs to be held, and Iuse it to say no, it's not like
that, without flinching,without apologizing, using my
voice, and I put it all awaywhen I enter prayer, when I'm
listening with openness, whenI'm connecting with my loved
ones, when my heart needs to beemptied before Allah.
(03:41):
That's the difference betweenego stewardship and ego
suppression.
Suppression is what mostlywomen are taught.
This practice of egostewardship is going to start
changing your life in verysubtle but powerful ways.
When you walk in a room whereyou think people might
underestimate you, it might beyour reason to turn the dial up,
(04:02):
not to prove anything, but justto stay present and grounded in
your skills and your talent.
This is ego used with precision.
When someone tries to guilt youinto silence, saying that's not
what a good Muslim wife orwoman would do, then don't
flinch, don't argue, don'tjustify.
If you have a sense of healthyego, it will hold the line like
(04:23):
a doormat.
It will say that belief is notwelcome here.
You can carry that belief, butthat's not for me to adopt.
And when you're into Jude, whenyou are with your creator, you
drop the tool entirely.
You don't need any kind ofperformance.
There's nothing to defend inthat moment.
And this is your talent ofmaking your ego quiet.
(04:45):
Not crushing it, not demonizingit, just releasing it.
Because when you trust yourselfto pick it up again when the
moment calls crushing it, notdemonizing it, just releasing it
.
Because when you trust yourselfto pick it up again when the
moment calls for it.
It'll be easy for you to let itgo, and this is the kind of ego
work that I really want to talkto you about, especially for
Muslim women.
You're told since childhood toleave your ego, but you're never
(05:05):
taught to build one in thefirst place.
And I'm here to say that you'renot only allowed to have it,
you're allowed to build ahealthy sense of it, not to
dominate others, but just todiscern the truth for yourself,
not to inflate yourself, but toanchor your self-worth.
So why I think this became avery common message is because
diminishing the ego is promotedas the solution for men's mental
(05:28):
health struggles.
Because think of the messagingaround anger management, around
controlling and dominantbehavior, around learning to
surrender.
In this framing, ego is seen asthe root cause of toxic
masculinity.
So the solution naturallybecomes to shrink the ego,
detach from that status, be moreemotionally expressive, become
(05:49):
less controlling.
This makes sense in many malecontexts, because ego has
historically been weaponized toassert dominance over others,
especially dominance over women,other weaker men or children.
But when you apply the sameego-diminishing approach to
women like a blanket statement,it backfires.
That's because women,especially Muslim women, are
(06:13):
already socialized to erasethemselves, not to take up space
, to doubt their needs andinstincts, and equate humility
with worthiness, when we knowthat worthiness is not earned,
it's always intact.
If a woman is alreadyconditioned all her life to put
others first, then telling herto diminish her ego even more is
(06:35):
going to be extremelydetrimental.
So, for example, when a Muslimman struggles with rage or
arrogance at home, diminishinghis ego is going to be about
learning to listen.
Listen to his wife, give regardto other people's voice without
feeling attacked, to stopdefending his pride at the
expense of connection.
That's what ego diminishingdoes.
(06:57):
But when a Muslim womanstruggles with voicelessness,
over-functioning,hyper-responsibility,
people-pleasing, the solution isnot to surrender the ego even
more, it's to reclaim it.
You're going to need tostrengthen your ego, to say no
without guilt, to honor yourdesires, to speak up in a room
(07:17):
where you're the only Muslimprofessional.
That is what healthy ego isabout Picking up the tool and
using it when you need it.
This is the ego that anchorsyou in your sense of dignity and
agency and lets you trust yourperspective.
It's the spine of your soul.
Without it, you collapse intomartyrdom, constant resentment
and invisible emotional labor.
(07:38):
So no, I'm never going to saythat ego is always the problem
For women.
A lot of times, the lack of egois the very thing that's causing
the problem, and the realhealing means that you're going
to be discerning between the twothe moment where you need to
dissolve your ego and the momentwhere you need to develop it.
Islam does not ask you toignore your desires.
(08:01):
It asks you to channel them ina way that honors the limits and
the mercy of Allah subhanahu wata'ala.
Ignoring them, suppressing them, pretending that they don't
exist.
That's going to breedresentment and disconnection,
and that's exactly shaitan'strick.
And, above all, it's going todisconnect you from yourself,
from your heart, from Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala.
(08:22):
The thought is that when youreclaim your ego, you're not
being selfish, you're anchoringyourself, you're making sure
that you're not giving from ahollow cup.
But many of you are still underthe impression that, because
diminishing the ego is a commonprescription for men's mental
health struggles, it must alsobe the solution for women's.
It's not.
(08:43):
What gets labeled as ego inwomen is just confidence, or
boundaries, or refusing to overfunction.
When you stand up for thesevalues, you're told she's gotten
too full of herself.
What that usually means isshe's no longer willing to
overextend, she's no longerwilling to accept less than what
she deserves.
So when people judge yourhealthy ego reclamation, that's
(09:05):
because they're operating from anarrow lens.
You're going to let them.
Let them misunderstand you, letthem say what they want.
Their judgment has no bearingon your integrity or your
intention.
Your intentions are for you toset and they're completely under
your control.
You do not owe them anyexplanation and you don't need
to defend yourself.
(09:26):
This process of healthy egoreclamation is a slow, steady
returning to yourself, and itmight look like rebellion to
others, who are used to youbeing always silent, but it's
not a rebellion, it'sstewardship.
It's honoring the amanah ofyour dignity, the safeguarding
of the soul that Allah subhanahuwa ta'ala fashioned, that
(09:48):
you're trying to accomplishexcellence through.
And you cannot accomplish thatexcellence, that ihsan, if
you're completely erasing thatsense of self.
And of course, a part of thatstewardship is keeping your ego
in check.
But self-confidence is not thesame as arrogance.
Your true self-worth isanchored in gratitude,
(10:09):
consciousness of Allah, andthat's what keeps you grounded
and that discernment is what'sgoing to keep your self-respect
from sliding intoself-righteousness.
So start with small acts ofself-respect.
There's no need for granddeclarations or public arguments
or announcements.
Just start with subtle shiftsin how you see yourself, how you
(10:29):
speak to yourself, how you showup, when you start to reclaim
your sense of ego, you becomethe opposite of the shallow
Muslimah that other people mightbe claiming you to be, and this
is how you start to honor yourcreator by honoring yourself.
Yes, like I've said before, thefear of arrogance, entitlement,
vanity, they're all real andvalid, and Islam warns you about
(10:51):
this.
Kibber is the pride that makesyou look down on others.
It warns you against boastingabout yourself, about seeking
praise and status.
These are all spiritual poisonsand I'm not talking about
completely ignoring them.
But when you take that fear toofar, when you're afraid of
becoming arrogant, that you evenkill off your healthy ego,
that's when you'll end up in thestate of total ego dissolution.
(11:13):
And I've seen it way too oftenin my coaching program Not being
able to speak up in a meeting,constantly saying silent in face
of injustice, afraid of beinglabeled difficult.
A mother who's constantlyexhausted but doesn't ask for
help because she doesn't want toseem as entitled.
And a woman who gives, givesand gives and then feels shame
(11:35):
for having any humanly needs.
You can voluntarily relinquishyour rights for the sake of
Allah SWT and in fact there isan immense reward in that when
it comes from a place ofstrength and choice, like being
in service of your family untilyou're bone tired.
But that has to come from asense of healthy ego that you're
choosing and willingly doingthis, because only then you're
(11:58):
going to be able to stop whenyou're overextending yourself
and not feel like you'redisposable.
And yes, submission is Islam, isabout erasing yourself, but
only in front of Allah.
That is the sacred erasure thatis not meant for anything and
anyone else.
You are not asked to dissolveyour identity for your husband
(12:18):
or your in-laws or your boss oryour kids.
That level of surrender isreserved only for Allah alone.
Everywhere else in your life,your task might actually be
opposite to pick up this ego ormaybe just to discern, to choose
when to pick up your ego andwhen to lay it down and use it
like a well-calibrated tool.
(12:39):
The key word here is willinglypicking it up and putting it
down, because when you do itwillingly, it becomes a
spiritual act.
Putting it down Because whenyou do it willingly, it becomes
a spiritual act.
When you do it out of socialconditioning, it leads to
drastic self-abandonment, andthat's what most women's mental
health is struggling with, andthis is what I usually coach on.
This act of healthy egoreclamation becomes worship,
(13:02):
because you are allowingyourself to know that you have
dignity and that is an amana,and you're carrying it with care
.
So while submission is a kindof erasure, it also has a
direction and a space.
There is a choice behind it.
When you are eyeballs deep inpeople pleasing, overextending,
hyper-performing or not beingable to perform at all, all the
(13:25):
while not having any financialindependence, any true
connections in your relationship, it's time for you to course
correct and reclaim some of thathealthy ego.
Shaitan loves when you confusehumility with ongoing
humiliation.
He loves it when you silenceyourself and call it sabr, when
you forget your likes anddislikes and call it modesty,
(13:48):
when you tolerate disrespect andyou call it taking the high
road.
Shaytan loves to strip you ofyour God-given dignity while
convincing you that it's pietyUntil eventually it becomes
harder and harder, or evenimpossible, to tell the
difference between being humblebefore Allah and being
humiliated by people.
But Allah does not ask for thathumiliation.
(14:08):
He asks for your submissiononly to him.
And that means lowering yourvoice when it matters and
raising it when the time isright, and having the wisdom of
knowing the difference betweenthe two.
This healthy ego reclamationthat I'm talking about it is not
optional is absolutelynecessary for today's Muslim
woman, because that woman who isgrounded in her values through
(14:31):
this healthy ego, she is verydifficult to mistreat.
I mean, the world can try andit will try, but mistreatment
just doesn't land the same wayfor her.
If you're that woman anchoredinto your healthy ego, the world
cannot convince you that youare the problem.
You might look at your mistakesand be willing to correct them
when you put your ego down, butwhen you don't completely
(14:54):
demolish your sense of self,when your healthy ego is intact,
you don't absorb every sidewayscomment, every guilt trip,
every attempt to shame you.
You will feel it, you willdiscern it, you will be able to
deal with it in a healthy way,but you will not internalize it.
And this is why I say that thedominant language around ego,
about crushing it, controllingit, suppressing it, is deeply
(15:17):
masculine.
That approach was built for adifferent kind of struggle
altogether.
Only men have mostlyhistorically been taught to lead
, dominate and exert power.
So, yes, their spiritual growthrequires ego dismantling, but
that's not true for women.
You've been conditioned,generation after generation, to
(15:38):
erase yourself, to keep yourselfsmall, to serve without
question, to swallow your needsuntil you start to equate your
silence with strength and burnout with barakah.
To swallow your needs until youstart to equate your silence
with strength and burnout withbarakah.
So when you apply that samesize fits all spiritual teaching
that fighting the ego will fixyour problems, the woman who's
only been trained to betrayherself is not going to heal,
(16:01):
it's going to damage her evenmore.
And if I haven't made this clearenough, I'm going to make it
clear again when I talk aboutego clear enough, I'm going to
make it clear again when I talkabout ego reclamation, I'm not
talking about Hawa, the basedesires or the primal impulses
that Islam teaches you against,and it asks you to regulate them
through obedience to Allah.
And I hope I've given enoughexamples.
(16:22):
If not, I'm going to continueto talk about this more.
So this concept is very clearin your mind.
The ego I'm talking about isyour core identity, your
personhood as it relates to yourrelationship with Allah, the
identity that constantly relatesto Allah in all of its actions
(16:43):
and affairs.
Humility is when you lower yourwings out of compassion.
Humiliation is when you letpeople walk on them, and wisdom
is when you know your wings outof compassion.
Humiliation is when you letpeople walk on them, and wisdom
is when you know the differencebetween the two.
That's what you're going to getused to when you use ego as a
tool, as it's supposed to be.
Your sense of self, separation,identity, the I or whatever it
(17:03):
is that you call it in themodern language.
This is what needs to beprotected as a Muslim woman for
you to align yourself withdivine love.
Otherwise, you'll be walkingaround convinced that you don't
deserve that love.
So, yes, you absolutely have toreclaim your sense of self as a
Muslim woman.
That is your channel to mentalhealth, and in the next episode
(17:24):
we're going to talk about how toreclaim your healthy ego.
With that, I pray to Allah SWT.
Ya Allah, grant me a sense ofself that is steady and sincere.
Help me create a healthy senseof self.
Help me carry my voice withgrace and my boundaries with
wisdom.
Let my presence reflect thedignity that you placed in me.
(17:47):
Wisdom.
Let my presence reflect thedignity that you placed in me.
Help me anchor my heart in youso that I no longer seek
validation from the places thatcannot give it to me.
Guide me to use my ego as atool for truth, protection and
spirituality.
Let every step I take be guidedby your light.
Ameen, ya Rabbul, ameen, pleasekeep me in your duas.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
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