August 26, 2025 • 18 mins
What if the key to spiritual growth isn't destroying your ego, but reclaiming it? Drawing from Islamic wisdom and modern psychology, this episode explores how microscopic shifts in daily habits can transform your relationship with yourself and others.
We often swing between two extremes...completely erasing ourselves or defensively overcompensating. Neither serves us well. Through practical examples, I share how small acts of self-honoring can initiate profound healing: sitting down to eat when hungry rather than waiting for everyone else, leaving draining group conversations without drama, acknowledging exhaustion instead of pushing through another to-do list, or simply waiting to respond to messages until you're truly ready.
These seemingly minor moments signal to your nervous system that you matter, that your needs are valid. When practiced consistently, they create a foundation for balanced self-expression that feels neither selfish nor self-sacrificing. You'll discover why suppressed desires eventually emerge as irritability or emotional shutdown, how constant overgiving trains others to bypass your boundaries, and why deferring to others' judgments weakens your ability to trust yourself.
Ready to reclaim your healthy ego through practice and guidance? Join me in my coaching programs where we develop these skills through real-life application, helping you recognize yourself again while deepening your spiritual connection.
=======================================================================================
Wisdom Wednesdays is your chance to apply what you learn in this podcast. It is my weekly coaching program that will create real time change based on everything you learn here.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
In the last episode, we talkedabout reclaiming a healthy ego.
Today, we're going to betalking about how to do that and
(00:25):
, like I've told you guys before, any habit shift starts with
microscopic turns.
If you're coming to thisepisode and you don't know why
it's important to claim ahealthy ego, I suggest you
listen to the previous podcast,247.
But today we're talking aboutthe small, subtle shifts that
you have to make in order to besuccessful at claiming a healthy
(00:47):
ego, and that might look likewhen you sit down to eat before
anyone else, not because youlike ignoring your
responsibilities, because youwere just hungry and you decided
not to eat leftovers over thekitchen sink.
Instead, you decided it wastime for you to sit and eat,
enjoy your meal.
You honored your body insteadof waiting until everyone and
(01:11):
everyone else was satisfied, andin that moment, you told your
subconscious mind that I mattertoo.
That I as it relates to yourhealthy ego or maybe it happened
when you left that WhatsAppgroup that always leaves you
feeling drained.
You didn't trigger any drama.
There was no anger on your part.
You were just done, you left.
You didn't trigger any drama.
There was no anger on your part, you were just done, you left.
You didn't announce your exitand you didn't over explain.
You didn't worry about howother people would react.
You simply chose to protectyour peace.
(01:33):
This is very much egoreclamation.
It also shows up when you sayI'm tired and you actually let
yourself rest.
You didn't push yourselfthrough yet another to-do list.
You didn't wait for anyone elseto validate your exhaustion,
you just paused.
You gave your body what itasked for, without guilt.
You listened to it.
(01:53):
You got better attuned to yourinner body feelings and in doing
so, you affirm that you arerespecting your limits and that
you have limits.
Maybe it's as small as what youpick out to wear.
Maybe it's a dress that helpsyou feel beautiful, not just to
dress to manage other people'sreactions.
You dress to fit your likes anddislikes and when you are done
(02:15):
getting dressed, you feel likeit's truly you and in those
small quiet moments, it's yourego gently returning home.
Even if you don't want toreturn a message right away, you
can create that to be a momentof ego reclamation.
You saw the text, you felt yourbody getting tense and, instead
of rushing to fix it andreplying, you just breathed and
you let it go.
(02:35):
You waited and in doing so youtold your nervous system that I
trust myself to handle thiswithout urgency.
This is the small reclamationsof healthy ego.
They are unapologetic, veryintentional, they're never
performative, but they alwaysreturn you to yourself, a sense
of healthy self.
And then there are much biggershifts, the bigger and larger
(02:58):
projects in your life, like theday you stopped trying to fix
your marriage by continuing tobe more patient.
Like the day you stopped tryingto fix your marriage by
continuing to be more patient.
You're not stonewalling oryou're not giving up.
You just paused long enough toask yourself what you really
needed.
What were your needs,emotionally, physically,
spiritually.
And maybe after a long time yousaid it out loud for the first
time.
(03:18):
You didn't blame your past, youdidn't blame your relationship,
you didn't go into begging.
You just named what is true foryou, what it is that you want.
And even in those egoreclamation moments, things
don't magically fix themselves,but it's a start of a mark of
something sacred, the start ofyou showing up fully, you
(03:40):
practicing the art of healthyego reclamation.
Or maybe all of this is showingup in your parenting.
You realize you weren't justraising your kids, you were also
parenting your partner, yourparents, your in-laws, your
inner critic, along witheveryone else and all of their
invisible standards.
And then, little by little,slowly, you are going to stop.
(04:00):
You're going to create morestructure around your needs.
You're going to say no to theextra obligation that would have
sent you over the edge.
Otherwise, and doing all ofthat, you will speak calmly.
You gave your inner child theversion of you that is well
supported.
This is you learning to honoryour capacity and not pushing
harder and harder each time.
This is responsible egoreclamation.
(04:23):
Or maybe you didn't quit yourjob.
You didn't make a dramaticannouncement.
You just stoppedovercompensating.
You stopped raising your handfor extra tasks that weren't
yours.
You stopped trying to impresseveryone to earn you a place.
You started doing your actualjob, clearly, effectively and
efficiently.
And then you went home On time.
(04:43):
That was new.
And then, yes, it feltuncomfortable at first and
thoughts crossed your mind thatmaybe you were being lazy or
ungrateful.
But that is just your egorecalibrating, releasing the
habitual need of hustle andvalidation, slowly letting go of
the belief that being worn outsomehow proves your worth and it
is necessary for your worth,and instead, with your healthy
(05:05):
ego, settling into a rhythm thatmakes sense for your life.
Because while the shaitanic trapof ego erasure promises
spiritual reward, emotionalsafety and peaceful
relationships, it delivers noneof that.
In fact, it delivers the exactopposite.
The more you suppress yourdesires, the less joyful your
(05:26):
marriage becomes.
Desires don't just die becauseyou silence them.
They keep growing becauseyou're suppressing them and
eventually they come outsideways as irritability,
indifference or emotionalshutdown.
The more you stay silent at work, the more you convince yourself
that you are not qualified,regardless of your qualification
.
More you convince yourself thatyou are not qualified,
(05:47):
regardless of your qualification, and every missed opportunity
of healthy ego reclamation isgoing to end up in you second
guessing your competence.
And the more you over deliver,the more people get used to
abusing you.
You think your excellence willspeak for itself, but over time
that becomes the baseline peopleexpect, until that baseline
becomes so high that you don'teven know how to live up to it
anymore.
The more you avoid conflict inrelationships, the less safe
(06:10):
those relationships feel youstart walking on eggshells,
never quite sure if you're beingreal or being agreeable.
The more you say yes to everyrequest, the more you train
others to bypass your boundaries, not because they're
necessarily malicious they mightbe but because you've taught
them that your no doesn't carrya meaning.
(06:30):
The more you make space foreveryone and everything else,
the less space you occupy inyour own life, and this is the
space that you absolutely needto claim for you to survive.
The more you defer to otherpeople's judgments because you
don't trust yourself enough, theharder it gets to trust your
own judgment.
And when you stop to ask, whatdo I think you don't even have
(06:51):
an answer, because you outsourceyour discernment all your life.
And the more you serve withoutbeing nourished, the more
mechanical your worship becomes.
Your dua and salah feel far anddisconnected.
They feel like a connection ofmotions that you're going
through.
Your heart will be absentbecause it doesn't know how to
exist in its own right in ahealthy way.
(07:12):
So how do we actually do this?
How do we stop oscillatingbetween one state of
disappearing or eventuallydetonating because we've been
suppressing so long, to theother state of keeping up with a
high sense of ego that's to thelevel of self-aggrandizement or
even narcissism.
You can see that, as I pointedout to you that these are, of
(07:32):
course, extremes and, likealways, middle is the ideal path
and, like everything else, youmight fluctuate between the two
extremes, at least in thebeginning, until you've learned
to keep your footing andself-correct without shame,
because a healthy egoreclamation can only be achieved
through flexibility, notthrough rigid concepts of
perfection and a linear pathfrom A to B.
(07:54):
How I started was that Istarted to articulate my needs
in my relationships.
I told myself and, by extension, told everyone else that I
deserve to be treated with ihsan, with excellence, the same way
I strive to treat others, and Ididn't have to say it verbally,
but my actions spoke.
I started with claiming a smallportion of my day, speaking up
(08:16):
when something hurt and trustingmyself through the process.
And you have to do the same andyou have to have your own back
while doing it.
When you understand your egothis way, as a flexible,
intentional tool, rather thansomething to destroy or
something that's alwaysoverinflated, you will stop
swinging between extremes.
You're going to stop eitherstaying quiet to keep the peace
(08:38):
or only later to explode inanger just to feel powerful
again.
And you won't overcorrect bybecoming loud or dismissive, and
you certainly don't wateryourself down into a version of
spiritual passivity.
Because either way, when yourego is either fully erased or
constantly supercharged, you'renot operating from
self-awareness, you're operatingfrom your survival brain that
(09:01):
keeps your nervous system indistress.
When your ego is completely shutdown, you drop into the
parasympathetic freeze state,the classic play dead mode.
You numb out, you initiallyoverfunction, but then you burn
out to an extent where you gothrough a parasympathetic
shutdown.
That's your body's innatemechanism of keeping you going
(09:21):
into further harm.
The body applies hard brakesbefore it crashes.
In that case you will have nochoice but to rest.
Or, if you're functioning,you'll be functioning with
fogginess and extreme tiredness.
On the other hand, analways-on-the-go ego, a reactive
, brittle ego, throws you into asympathetic fight-or-flight
mode.
(09:41):
You're usually veryhypervigilant, prepared to
defend yourself, always creatingtension, exerting assertion,
over-asserting yourself, just tofeel some control.
But for many women the fightresponse is less visible because
you're taught early on thatyou're too emotional, too
sensitive, too much.
So the fight response doesn'talways look like yelling.
(10:02):
It can look like conflict,seeking emotional reactivity or
constantly needing to prove apoint, and this kind of ego is
also from the survival response.
Both of these extremes aretrauma patterns, especially if
they're persistent, masqueradingas personality traits.
Both are distortions of whatego is supposed to do.
When your ego is regulated, itdoes not shut down, it does not
(10:27):
flare up, it stands in its rightand this is the balance.
Most of us were never shown Anego that can speak up when
necessary and quiet down whenyour inner wisdom says so.
And now we get to unlearn theextremes and relearn what it
means to have a healthy ego, theone that carries the embodied
trust of Allah, subhanahu wata'ala.
(10:48):
Ego is a divine gift when it'sused with a dial.
Most of us were handed a switcheither on or off.
Most of us were handed a switcheither off, which is disappear
completely, stay quiet, denyyour needs, or on, which is
defend, hyper-perform, forceyour worth.
(11:09):
Be loud and assertive.
What I'm inviting you to do isgrow the hand that can adjust
the volume.
That's the real work, and thisis exactly what we practice in
my coaching programs.
That's the real work and thisis exactly what we practice in
my coaching programs, inside myweekly coaching sessions through
Wisdom Wednesdays or my privatecoaching sessions through
Empowered Muslim Women program,I teach you how to finally tell
(11:30):
the difference, the differencebetween the ego that's inflated
and the ego that's aligned.
Because an inflated ego is ascared ego.
It's loud, reactive, constantlyscanning for threat.
It snaps, pleases, defends,over-explains, it's always
trying to prove something.
But the aligned ego is rooted,quietly and powerfully, always
(11:53):
emotionally available but neveremotionally hijacked, boundaried
but not cold.
So in coaching with me, you'lllearn to spot, when you're
running on survival programming,the one that keeps your ego out
of alignment, when you'rewalking on eggshells, bracing
for the next emotional blow, andyou'll learn how to gently
shift out of that consistently.
(12:16):
This is when the inner split theon and off type of mentality
starts to heal.
Inner split the on and off typeof mentality starts to heal
when your sense of self isn'tfully rooted.
Even the most basic decisionsin life start to feel high
stakes.
Saying no will feel likedisappointing God or mother or
your third grade teacher.
All at once.
Setting a boundary feels likebetrayal, resting feels like
(12:37):
weakness and your mindconstantly turns scenario after
scenario into a moral failure.
Not because any of theseactions are wrong, but because
deep down, you're not sure ifyou're allowed to exist as a
separate self.
That is a very big cost oflosing a healthy ego.
It's mental chatter, it'schronic overgiving, it's
compulsive over apologizing,it's exhausting.
(12:59):
You're trying to make up forsomething you can't even name.
But when your ego is rooted inintentionality, you stop asking
for permission to exist, becauseyou stop confusing boundaries
with cruelty and you develop acapacity to honor yourself.
Reclaiming your ego makes lifesimpler, much more happier and
(13:20):
enjoyable to live.
You do what's right and youstop burning mental calories
trying to predict what's goingto go wrong and your nervous
system starts to register safety.
And you for sure deserve that.
And this is what we practiceinside my coaching program,
starting with Wisdom Wednesdays.
Reclaiming your ego will clearout the noise.
Life will become simpler, muchmore spacious.
(13:43):
You will stop rehearsingconversations ahead of time in
your head, wondering how andwhen to say things the right way
so people don't misunderstandyou.
You will start to understandthat their misunderstanding has
nothing to do with you.
You will stop scanning the roomto see who's uncomfortable with
your presence, because you willbecome comfortable with your
presence.
You will say what's true andyou will follow through with
(14:04):
what's right.
And when you notice your bodytightens because of a cue, you
will actually listen to it.
You will stop explaining yourdecisions 10 different ways.
You might explain it once andyou might just explain it to
yourself, and that's it.
You are allowed to makedecisions and take up space
without overthinking it.
(14:27):
And inside Winston Wednesday'smy coaching program, we practice
all of this.
We develop this skill everyweek in real life, in real
moments.
You bring your coaching momentsto me and we walk through them,
because living from this placeof internal safety and
intentionality has to bedeveloped through practice,
through application, and whenyou do that, you start to
recognize yourself again.
So ego is like a pair of shoesyou don't wear stilettos to run
(14:49):
a marathon and you don't walkinto a formal meeting barefoot.
The ego, when healthy, is justthat a tool, a tool for you to
use when the ground you'rewalking on requires a certain
kind of footing.
There are going to be moments inyour life where your ego needs
to be firmly fitted and laced upwhen you're negotiating,
setting a boundary, protectingyour time, protecting your
(15:12):
children, speaking up in a roomwhere you're not usually heard.
In these moments, a healthy egowill give you presence and
posture, confidence all of thethings that you need to succeed.
And then there are going to bemoments where you have to take
those shoes off entirely, insujood, in service to your
family, in intimacy with AllahSWT or with loved ones, where
(15:33):
you don't need to prove orprotect, where you surrender
this strength knowingly andwillingly, where you take this
risk, where showing up soft ismore powerful than showing up
sharp, knowing when to wear yourego and when to leave it at the
door that's true wisdom.
We're not going to totallycrush it or continue to
(15:54):
constantly feed it.
We're going to understand itsrole Because, like any tool, it
becomes dangerous when you thinkyou are the tool or that you
need the tool all the time.
But when you hold it lightly andyou use it with intention, not
as an extension of yourself, theego becomes a means of showing
up with presence and respect foryourself and for others, and
(16:17):
this is what deeply aligns youwith your spirituality.
With that I pray to Allah SWT.
O Allah, teach me how to carrythe self you've given me with
wisdom.
Let my ego be a tool I use withintention.
Don't let me be afraid of itand don't let me worship it.
Show me when to speak fromstrength and when to lead with
(16:38):
softness and stillness.
Let me pick up my sense of selfwhen I need to stand firm, and
let me set it down when themoments call for surrender.
Ya Allah, keep me grounded andguided and let my presence
reflect your mercy.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Alameen,please keep me in your draaz.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
In the last episode, we talkedabout reclaiming a healthy ego.
Today, we're going to betalking about how to do that and
(00:25):
, like I've told you guys before, any habit shift starts with
microscopic turns.
If you're coming to thisepisode and you don't know why
it's important to claim ahealthy ego, I suggest you
listen to the previous podcast,247.
But today we're talking aboutthe small, subtle shifts that
you have to make in order to besuccessful at claiming a healthy
(00:47):
ego, and that might look likewhen you sit down to eat before
anyone else, not because youlike ignoring your
responsibilities, because youwere just hungry and you decided
not to eat leftovers over thekitchen sink.
Instead, you decided it wastime for you to sit and eat,
enjoy your meal.
You honored your body insteadof waiting until everyone and
(01:11):
everyone else was satisfied, andin that moment, you told your
subconscious mind that I mattertoo.
That I as it relates to yourhealthy ego or maybe it happened
when you left that WhatsAppgroup that always leaves you
feeling drained.
You didn't trigger any drama.
There was no anger on your part.
You were just done, you left.
You didn't trigger any drama.
There was no anger on your part, you were just done, you left.
You didn't announce your exitand you didn't over explain.
You didn't worry about howother people would react.
You simply chose to protectyour peace.
(01:33):
This is very much egoreclamation.
It also shows up when you sayI'm tired and you actually let
yourself rest.
You didn't push yourselfthrough yet another to-do list.
You didn't wait for anyone elseto validate your exhaustion,
you just paused.
You gave your body what itasked for, without guilt.
You listened to it.
(01:53):
You got better attuned to yourinner body feelings and in doing
so, you affirm that you arerespecting your limits and that
you have limits.
Maybe it's as small as what youpick out to wear.
Maybe it's a dress that helpsyou feel beautiful, not just to
dress to manage other people'sreactions.
You dress to fit your likes anddislikes and when you are done
(02:15):
getting dressed, you feel likeit's truly you and in those
small quiet moments, it's yourego gently returning home.
Even if you don't want toreturn a message right away, you
can create that to be a momentof ego reclamation.
You saw the text, you felt yourbody getting tense and, instead
of rushing to fix it andreplying, you just breathed and
you let it go.
(02:35):
You waited and in doing so youtold your nervous system that I
trust myself to handle thiswithout urgency.
This is the small reclamationsof healthy ego.
They are unapologetic, veryintentional, they're never
performative, but they alwaysreturn you to yourself, a sense
of healthy self.
And then there are much biggershifts, the bigger and larger
(02:58):
projects in your life, like theday you stopped trying to fix
your marriage by continuing tobe more patient.
Like the day you stopped tryingto fix your marriage by
continuing to be more patient.
You're not stonewalling oryou're not giving up.
You just paused long enough toask yourself what you really
needed.
What were your needs,emotionally, physically,
spiritually.
And maybe after a long time yousaid it out loud for the first
time.
(03:18):
You didn't blame your past, youdidn't blame your relationship,
you didn't go into begging.
You just named what is true foryou, what it is that you want.
And even in those egoreclamation moments, things
don't magically fix themselves,but it's a start of a mark of
something sacred, the start ofyou showing up fully, you
(03:40):
practicing the art of healthyego reclamation.
Or maybe all of this is showingup in your parenting.
You realize you weren't justraising your kids, you were also
parenting your partner, yourparents, your in-laws, your
inner critic, along witheveryone else and all of their
invisible standards.
And then, little by little,slowly, you are going to stop.
(04:00):
You're going to create morestructure around your needs.
You're going to say no to theextra obligation that would have
sent you over the edge.
Otherwise, and doing all ofthat, you will speak calmly.
You gave your inner child theversion of you that is well
supported.
This is you learning to honoryour capacity and not pushing
harder and harder each time.
This is responsible egoreclamation.
(04:23):
Or maybe you didn't quit yourjob.
You didn't make a dramaticannouncement.
You just stoppedovercompensating.
You stopped raising your handfor extra tasks that weren't
yours.
You stopped trying to impresseveryone to earn you a place.
You started doing your actualjob, clearly, effectively and
efficiently.
And then you went home On time.
(04:43):
That was new.
And then, yes, it feltuncomfortable at first and
thoughts crossed your mind thatmaybe you were being lazy or
ungrateful.
But that is just your egorecalibrating, releasing the
habitual need of hustle andvalidation, slowly letting go of
the belief that being worn outsomehow proves your worth and it
is necessary for your worth,and instead, with your healthy
(05:05):
ego, settling into a rhythm thatmakes sense for your life.
Because while the shaitanic trapof ego erasure promises
spiritual reward, emotionalsafety and peaceful
relationships, it delivers noneof that.
In fact, it delivers the exactopposite.
The more you suppress yourdesires, the less joyful your
(05:26):
marriage becomes.
Desires don't just die becauseyou silence them.
They keep growing becauseyou're suppressing them and
eventually they come outsideways as irritability,
indifference or emotionalshutdown.
The more you stay silent at work, the more you convince yourself
that you are not qualified,regardless of your qualification
.
More you convince yourself thatyou are not qualified,
(05:47):
regardless of your qualification, and every missed opportunity
of healthy ego reclamation isgoing to end up in you second
guessing your competence.
And the more you over deliver,the more people get used to
abusing you.
You think your excellence willspeak for itself, but over time
that becomes the baseline peopleexpect, until that baseline
becomes so high that you don'teven know how to live up to it
anymore.
The more you avoid conflict inrelationships, the less safe
(06:10):
those relationships feel youstart walking on eggshells,
never quite sure if you're beingreal or being agreeable.
The more you say yes to everyrequest, the more you train
others to bypass your boundaries, not because they're
necessarily malicious they mightbe but because you've taught
them that your no doesn't carrya meaning.
(06:30):
The more you make space foreveryone and everything else,
the less space you occupy inyour own life, and this is the
space that you absolutely needto claim for you to survive.
The more you defer to otherpeople's judgments because you
don't trust yourself enough, theharder it gets to trust your
own judgment.
And when you stop to ask, whatdo I think you don't even have
(06:51):
an answer, because you outsourceyour discernment all your life.
And the more you serve withoutbeing nourished, the more
mechanical your worship becomes.
Your dua and salah feel far anddisconnected.
They feel like a connection ofmotions that you're going
through.
Your heart will be absentbecause it doesn't know how to
exist in its own right in ahealthy way.
(07:12):
So how do we actually do this?
How do we stop oscillatingbetween one state of
disappearing or eventuallydetonating because we've been
suppressing so long, to theother state of keeping up with a
high sense of ego that's to thelevel of self-aggrandizement or
even narcissism.
You can see that, as I pointedout to you that these are, of
(07:32):
course, extremes and, likealways, middle is the ideal path
and, like everything else, youmight fluctuate between the two
extremes, at least in thebeginning, until you've learned
to keep your footing andself-correct without shame,
because a healthy egoreclamation can only be achieved
through flexibility, notthrough rigid concepts of
perfection and a linear pathfrom A to B.
(07:54):
How I started was that Istarted to articulate my needs
in my relationships.
I told myself and, by extension, told everyone else that I
deserve to be treated with ihsan, with excellence, the same way
I strive to treat others, and Ididn't have to say it verbally,
but my actions spoke.
I started with claiming a smallportion of my day, speaking up
(08:16):
when something hurt and trustingmyself through the process.
And you have to do the same andyou have to have your own back
while doing it.
When you understand your egothis way, as a flexible,
intentional tool, rather thansomething to destroy or
something that's alwaysoverinflated, you will stop
swinging between extremes.
You're going to stop eitherstaying quiet to keep the peace
(08:38):
or only later to explode inanger just to feel powerful
again.
And you won't overcorrect bybecoming loud or dismissive, and
you certainly don't wateryourself down into a version of
spiritual passivity.
Because either way, when yourego is either fully erased or
constantly supercharged, you'renot operating from
self-awareness, you're operatingfrom your survival brain that
(09:01):
keeps your nervous system indistress.
When your ego is completely shutdown, you drop into the
parasympathetic freeze state,the classic play dead mode.
You numb out, you initiallyoverfunction, but then you burn
out to an extent where you gothrough a parasympathetic
shutdown.
That's your body's innatemechanism of keeping you going
(09:21):
into further harm.
The body applies hard brakesbefore it crashes.
In that case you will have nochoice but to rest.
Or, if you're functioning,you'll be functioning with
fogginess and extreme tiredness.
On the other hand, analways-on-the-go ego, a reactive
, brittle ego, throws you into asympathetic fight-or-flight
mode.
(09:41):
You're usually veryhypervigilant, prepared to
defend yourself, always creatingtension, exerting assertion,
over-asserting yourself, just tofeel some control.
But for many women the fightresponse is less visible because
you're taught early on thatyou're too emotional, too
sensitive, too much.
So the fight response doesn'talways look like yelling.
(10:02):
It can look like conflict,seeking emotional reactivity or
constantly needing to prove apoint, and this kind of ego is
also from the survival response.
Both of these extremes aretrauma patterns, especially if
they're persistent, masqueradingas personality traits.
Both are distortions of whatego is supposed to do.
When your ego is regulated, itdoes not shut down, it does not
(10:27):
flare up, it stands in its rightand this is the balance.
Most of us were never shown Anego that can speak up when
necessary and quiet down whenyour inner wisdom says so.
And now we get to unlearn theextremes and relearn what it
means to have a healthy ego, theone that carries the embodied
trust of Allah, subhanahu wata'ala.
(10:48):
Ego is a divine gift when it'sused with a dial.
Most of us were handed a switcheither on or off.
Most of us were handed a switcheither off, which is disappear
completely, stay quiet, denyyour needs, or on, which is
defend, hyper-perform, forceyour worth.
(11:09):
Be loud and assertive.
What I'm inviting you to do isgrow the hand that can adjust
the volume.
That's the real work, and thisis exactly what we practice in
my coaching programs.
That's the real work and thisis exactly what we practice in
my coaching programs, inside myweekly coaching sessions through
Wisdom Wednesdays or my privatecoaching sessions through
Empowered Muslim Women program,I teach you how to finally tell
(11:30):
the difference, the differencebetween the ego that's inflated
and the ego that's aligned.
Because an inflated ego is ascared ego.
It's loud, reactive, constantlyscanning for threat.
It snaps, pleases, defends,over-explains, it's always
trying to prove something.
But the aligned ego is rooted,quietly and powerfully, always
(11:53):
emotionally available but neveremotionally hijacked, boundaried
but not cold.
So in coaching with me, you'lllearn to spot, when you're
running on survival programming,the one that keeps your ego out
of alignment, when you'rewalking on eggshells, bracing
for the next emotional blow, andyou'll learn how to gently
shift out of that consistently.
(12:16):
This is when the inner split theon and off type of mentality
starts to heal.
Inner split the on and off typeof mentality starts to heal
when your sense of self isn'tfully rooted.
Even the most basic decisionsin life start to feel high
stakes.
Saying no will feel likedisappointing God or mother or
your third grade teacher.
All at once.
Setting a boundary feels likebetrayal, resting feels like
(12:37):
weakness and your mindconstantly turns scenario after
scenario into a moral failure.
Not because any of theseactions are wrong, but because
deep down, you're not sure ifyou're allowed to exist as a
separate self.
That is a very big cost oflosing a healthy ego.
It's mental chatter, it'schronic overgiving, it's
compulsive over apologizing,it's exhausting.
(12:59):
You're trying to make up forsomething you can't even name.
But when your ego is rooted inintentionality, you stop asking
for permission to exist, becauseyou stop confusing boundaries
with cruelty and you develop acapacity to honor yourself.
Reclaiming your ego makes lifesimpler, much more happier and
(13:20):
enjoyable to live.
You do what's right and youstop burning mental calories
trying to predict what's goingto go wrong and your nervous
system starts to register safety.
And you for sure deserve that.
And this is what we practiceinside my coaching program,
starting with Wisdom Wednesdays.
Reclaiming your ego will clearout the noise.
Life will become simpler, muchmore spacious.
(13:43):
You will stop rehearsingconversations ahead of time in
your head, wondering how andwhen to say things the right way
so people don't misunderstandyou.
You will start to understandthat their misunderstanding has
nothing to do with you.
You will stop scanning the roomto see who's uncomfortable with
your presence, because you willbecome comfortable with your
presence.
You will say what's true andyou will follow through with
(14:04):
what's right.
And when you notice your bodytightens because of a cue, you
will actually listen to it.
You will stop explaining yourdecisions 10 different ways.
You might explain it once andyou might just explain it to
yourself, and that's it.
You are allowed to makedecisions and take up space
without overthinking it.
(14:27):
And inside Winston Wednesday'smy coaching program, we practice
all of this.
We develop this skill everyweek in real life, in real
moments.
You bring your coaching momentsto me and we walk through them,
because living from this placeof internal safety and
intentionality has to bedeveloped through practice,
through application, and whenyou do that, you start to
recognize yourself again.
So ego is like a pair of shoesyou don't wear stilettos to run
(14:49):
a marathon and you don't walkinto a formal meeting barefoot.
The ego, when healthy, is justthat a tool, a tool for you to
use when the ground you'rewalking on requires a certain
kind of footing.
There are going to be moments inyour life where your ego needs
to be firmly fitted and laced upwhen you're negotiating,
setting a boundary, protectingyour time, protecting your
(15:12):
children, speaking up in a roomwhere you're not usually heard.
In these moments, a healthy egowill give you presence and
posture, confidence all of thethings that you need to succeed.
And then there are going to bemoments where you have to take
those shoes off entirely, insujood, in service to your
family, in intimacy with AllahSWT or with loved ones, where
(15:33):
you don't need to prove orprotect, where you surrender
this strength knowingly andwillingly, where you take this
risk, where showing up soft ismore powerful than showing up
sharp, knowing when to wear yourego and when to leave it at the
door that's true wisdom.
We're not going to totallycrush it or continue to
(15:54):
constantly feed it.
We're going to understand itsrole Because, like any tool, it
becomes dangerous when you thinkyou are the tool or that you
need the tool all the time.
But when you hold it lightly andyou use it with intention, not
as an extension of yourself, theego becomes a means of showing
up with presence and respect foryourself and for others, and
(16:17):
this is what deeply aligns youwith your spirituality.
With that I pray to Allah SWT.
O Allah, teach me how to carrythe self you've given me with
wisdom.
Let my ego be a tool I use withintention.
Don't let me be afraid of itand don't let me worship it.
Show me when to speak fromstrength and when to lead with
(16:38):
softness and stillness.
Let me pick up my sense of selfwhen I need to stand firm, and
let me set it down when themoments call for surrender.
Ya Allah, keep me grounded andguided and let my presence
reflect your mercy.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Alameen,please keep me in your draaz.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Herd with Colin Cowherd
The Herd with Colin Cowherd is a thought-provoking, opinionated, and topic-driven journey through the top sports stories of the day.