July 15, 2025 • 15 mins
Have you been carrying the weight of "spiritual excellence" that feels more like perfection than peace?
This episode reveals how this beautiful Islamic teaching has been distorted through cultural lenses into perfectionism, people-pleasing, and emotional suppression. This misapplication has created generations of Muslims, especially women, who confuse being spiritually elevated with being emotionally suppressed. When sacred teachings become tools for spiritual bypassing, we lose connection to both ourselves and our Creator.
What would change if you reclaimed Ihsan as a practice that honors both divine wisdom and your personal dignity? Listen to discover how spiritual excellence can become a source of nourishment rather than depletion, aligning with your soul rather than your trauma responses. Join us in building a version of faith that makes you not just a "bigger person," but a truer one.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Atar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today we're going to be talkingabout the teaching of Ihsan as
it relates to Islam and how it'sgoing to be so super powerful
(00:26):
and healing for you.
The linguistic origin of theword is from the root
ha-seen-noon, meaning beauty orgoodness.
So Ihsan literally implies todo something beautifully or
excellently.
It's talked about in a lot ofprophetic teachings.
In a hadith, prophet Muhammadpeace be upon him said Ihsan is
(00:46):
to worship Allah as if you seehim, and if you do not see him,
then indeed he sees you.
And in the famous hadith ofJibreel, ihsan is the third
dimension of religion, afterIslam, that is submission and
Iman, that is faith.
Ihsan goes beyond yourobligatory prayers.
It's how you speak to yourchild, how to respond to
(01:12):
injustice, how you handle yourrage when someone crosses a line
.
You're doing it because Allahsees you, and that awareness
brings out your highest self.
Ihsan is meant to elevate yourspiritual station.
It transforms the transactionalnature of religion into deeply
personal and heartfelt practicethat goes beyond set of rules.
Ihsan shapes who you are.
A person of Ihsan is called aMuhsin.
(01:35):
It reflects faith throughexcellence of character and
action.
So there's Islam, which issubmission, which is following
of religious duties.
There's Iman faith, which isbelieving sincerely in the
unseen, and then there's Ihsan,which is excellence, acting
beautifully with Godconsciousness, or in other words
, taking the high road.
(01:56):
A life of Ihsan is being abetter Muslim, a better human.
It invites quality in worship,integrity in actions and
excellence in your character,and again rooted in the
awareness that God is alwayswatching.
But then there is a culturalunderstanding of Ihsan that is
commonly practiced, which one ofthe major manifestations of
(02:18):
cultural understanding of Ihsanis.
It's being misunderstood asperfectionism.
The spiritual idea of doingthings beautifully for the sake
of Allah was flattened intobeing the perfect daughter, the
perfect wife, perfect Muslimah,never showing anger, never
breaking down, never saying no,always doing more, giving more,
(02:39):
achieving more.
Ihsan in case was not onlyabout taking the high road, but
it became about taking theharmful road.
When you misunderstand Ihsanthrough the cultural lens,
especially in emotionallycharged situations, you end up
glorifying self-erasure.
You think you're beingspiritual, when really you're
(03:01):
just ignoring your pain and hurt.
So that's why, before anythingelse, we need to reclaim the
real definition which I started.
This podcast with Ihsan is notabout being perfect.
It's about being aligned withyour creator and your emotional
truth.
It does not ask you to suppressyour anger or silence your
(03:21):
needs.
It asks you to channel yourresponse with integrity and
intention.
That's real excellence, that'sreal beauty.
So, like I said somewhere alongthe way, in the cultural lens of
things, the sacred concept ofihsan was hijacked.
Instead of being taught as aform of divine alignment, it got
(03:41):
repackaged as perfectionism,people-pleasing and emotional
suppression, especially forMuslim women.
And at some point in your lifeyou've probably heard be the
better person, don't talk back,be quiet, be patient, be
graceful, stay in the marriage.
Allah will reward your patienceand, before you know it, ihsan
(04:02):
is no longer about your soul'sconnection to Allah.
It's about making everyone elsecomfortable, this performative
type of ihsan a pressure to beagreeable, forgiving, always
emotionally regulated,spiritually graceful, even when
you're being dismissed,disrespected and dehumanized.
If you've internalized thisoppression in the name of ihsan,
(04:28):
I pray that this podcast givesyou language to heal from it,
when you're taught never to beangry, never to ask for more, to
tolerate what your nervoussystem otherwise finds
intolerable.
That is traumatic to yourpsyche.
That also does not mean thatyou always retaliate.
It just means that you chooseyour response from presence,
honoring what's true for you.
(04:48):
I see in my coaching that ihsanis used very commonly by Muslim
women to force themselves intopoliteness.
I myself admire politeness.
I value taking the high road,but never at the cost of your
mental health.
Ihsan, in these cases, is beingused as a tool for spiritual
bypassing.
That's when religious conceptslike sabr, tawakkul or ihsan are
(05:13):
used to avoid processing realpain.
It's used to avoid expressingreal needs and setting real
boundaries.
In light of all of that,without realizing it, you start
to confuse being suppressed withbeing elevated, which,
ironically, is quite theopposite.
So if you're being told to livemore of a life of Ihsan when
(05:35):
what you really need is rest,boundaries or even righteous
anger, I want you to pause.
You may be mistaking spiritualabuse for religious piety, and
this distinction alone canchange everything for you.
Ihsan is embodying divineattributes like mercy,
forgiveness, but only when theseattributes don't come at the
(05:58):
cost of causing you trauma.
If your version of Ihsan ismaking your body shut down, it's
not Ihsan.
You've left it far behind.
You can only engage inexcellence when your nervous
system is regulated.
When you're not in the state ofsurvival, that's the only time
Ihsan is realistic for you.
If you're repeating things likeI should be more patient, I
(06:21):
should be more kind, I shouldnot expect this or that.
If these words are coming froma place of tightness, fear,
collapse.
If your body clenches when yousay them, that's not healing,
that's not your healingintelligence speaking, that's
your nervous system trying toprotect you from breaking down.
True, ihsan never asks you tooverride the signals of your
(06:44):
body, but if you're practicingIhsan taught through the lens of
guilt and shame, that's whenthe nervous system interprets it
as an internal tiger, dangerousand worth saving you from it.
This traumatic level of ihsanstalks you with shoulds until
you're exhausted, resentful andspiritually burnt out.
(07:05):
And this is exactly howspiritual abuse works Very
subtle, often, in the languageof be better, have more sabr or
take the high road.
But if taking the high road iscosting you your regulation, it
is no longer spiritual, it ispsychological harm.
Real ihsan feels aligned, evenif it is hard.
(07:27):
But when it's hijacked, itfeels like you're being punished
by your religious beliefs,which, of course, is never the
intention.
So here's something I want youto anchor your heart in.
If practicing ihsan is causingyou to dissociate, lose sleep,
question your worth or blameyour faith for your pain, this
(07:47):
is not the true practice ofIhsan.
This is coming frommis-teachings, mis-applications
and unhealed systems, and youdeserve to know the difference.
Your nervous system alwaysknows this difference, even when
your conscious mind tries todeny it and forces you to call
it Ihsan, even when yourconscious mind tries to deny it
and forces you to call it ihsan.
Let's say, your husband doesn'tlower his gaze.
(08:09):
You notice it, you feel it, youbring it up.
But all of a sudden, you're theone being asked to practice
ihsan.
You hear things like just bepatient, take the high road.
Maybe he's looking elsewhere,because something's missing at
home.
Try dressing up more, be morefeminine, be more understanding,
and just like that, a sacredteaching becomes a shield to
(08:32):
deflect responsibility, a toolto shame you into silence.
You're told to be morebeautiful, more obedient, more
flexible, so that his lack ofdiscipline becomes your problem
to fix.
But this is not ihsan.
Ihsan is not an excuse forsomeone else's entitlement.
It is not a strategy to protectsomeone's ego at the cost of
(08:53):
your emotional safety, and it isdefinitely not a way to make
you feel guilty for someoneelse's actions and choices.
In this moment, real ihsan mightlook like anger for you.
It might look like saying no,this is not okay.
It might be standing in yourtruth with strength, because
sometimes taking the higher roaddoes not mean quiet obedience.
(09:15):
Sometimes that means righteousand regulated resistance.
Behavior from ihsan is also notreactivity.
It is acknowledgement of yourpainful emotions and then
choosing a response.
This version of Ihsan, the onlyone that honors both you and the
divine wisdom, may feel fiery,even disruptive, but it will be
(09:39):
aligned with your dignity, withthe spiritual leadership that
Prophet modeled and the lifethat we're asked to follow.
So no, you're not lacking ihsan.
If you speak up, you're notfailing spiritually because you
expect accountability.
I want you to reclaim ihsan inyour life, the way it heals you,
(10:00):
far from being a rigidspiritual performance.
So, while many of you mighthave been taught, ihsan means to
keep giving, keep smiling, keepforgiving, even when you're
depleted.
Real ihsan does not ask you todo any of this.
It does not ask you to eraseyourself, just like it doesn't
ask you to be reactive.
(10:20):
It asks you to acknowledge whatis coming up for you, what is
your truth, and asks you tohonor it.
Not necessarily act on yourvery first instinct, but honor
it.
It does not glorify exhaustion,just like it does not glorify
the other extreme of seekingconflict.
If your experience of Ihsanfeels more like pressure than
(10:43):
peace, more like fear than faith, more like dissociation than
devotion, then what you'repracticing is not spiritual
excellence and it will totallylead to burnout.
True Ihsan is nourishing.
It aligns with your soul, notyour trauma.
It does not ask you to fakekindness while silently
(11:06):
resenting your reality.
It invites you to bebeautifully honest.
It invites you to speak truthwith adab.
It teaches you how to say nowithout guilt and how to say
enough without shame.
It teaches you to honor yourneeds, your body, your dignity,
without losing your connectionto Allah.
(11:26):
You can be firm and faithful.
You can be direct and dignified.
You can protect your peacewithout violating your
principles and still be in thefold of Ihsan.
This is the version that centersyou in your religion, the
version that is not rooted inthe fear of judgment by others,
(11:46):
but rooted in love of Allah.
This is the ihsan that yournervous system not only can hold
, but heal from it, the ihsanthat brings you closer to your
own soul.
It might make you the biggerperson, but it definitely makes
you the truer person.
The one that is honest toherself, makes you the truer
(12:07):
person, the one that is honestto herself, the one who knows
that spiritual excellence doesnot mean pleasing people.
If Ihsan, like we defined, isthe life of standing in sacred
alignment with Allah SWT, theone who created you, and
remembering him at all times,then all of that cannot happen
when you are in survival mode.
In survival mode, in the traumaresponse, the only thing your
(12:31):
mind is concerned with issurvival.
You will not be able to takethe high road when you're in
that level of survival, becausewhen your nervous system is
locked in, fight, flight, freezeor fawn, your body is not
concerned with excellence orspiritual elegance.
Its only concern is safety.
In that state, asking you to begraceful, patient,
(12:52):
understanding, even composed, isnot only unrealistic, it's
totally unkind.
Ihsan cannot grow in a bodythat feels like it's under
threat.
It cannot bloom when your mindis trying to protect you from
emotional harm.
So if you find yourselfsnapping, withdrawing, numbing
out or going silent becauseyou're overwhelmed under the
(13:15):
cultural definition of Ihsan,just know that you're not
failing spiritually.
You're just in survival mode,and survival is never shameful.
But that is also not where youwill live your most beautiful
life.
To truly practice Ihsan the kindthat brings light, peace,
dignity you have to feelinternally safe.
(13:36):
You need to be regulated,resourced and rooted.
Only then can your soul offerbeauty without breaking.
Only then can you take the highroad without abandoning
yourself to get there.
With that, I pray to Allah,subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Ya Allah, allow me to notconfuse fear with faith.
(13:56):
Allow me to not call somethingihsan if it's actually me
abandoning myself to keep thepeace, truly me abandoning
myself to keep the peace.
Ya Allah, help me recognizewhen I'm doing something out of
love of you, versus when I'mdoing it out of habit, pressure
or fear of being judged.
Give me clarity to know what'strue and helpful and what's from
(14:19):
survival.
Let me choose the high roadwhen I have the capacity and
allow me the permission to pausewhen I don't.
Ya Allah, help me build safetyin my body so that all of my
actions come from Ihsan.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, keep mein your duas.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Atar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today we're going to be talkingabout the teaching of Ihsan as
it relates to Islam and how it'sgoing to be so super powerful
(00:26):
and healing for you.
The linguistic origin of theword is from the root
ha-seen-noon, meaning beauty orgoodness.
So Ihsan literally implies todo something beautifully or
excellently.
It's talked about in a lot ofprophetic teachings.
In a hadith, prophet Muhammadpeace be upon him said Ihsan is
(00:46):
to worship Allah as if you seehim, and if you do not see him,
then indeed he sees you.
And in the famous hadith ofJibreel, ihsan is the third
dimension of religion, afterIslam, that is submission and
Iman, that is faith.
Ihsan goes beyond yourobligatory prayers.
It's how you speak to yourchild, how to respond to
(01:12):
injustice, how you handle yourrage when someone crosses a line
.
You're doing it because Allahsees you, and that awareness
brings out your highest self.
Ihsan is meant to elevate yourspiritual station.
It transforms the transactionalnature of religion into deeply
personal and heartfelt practicethat goes beyond set of rules.
Ihsan shapes who you are.
A person of Ihsan is called aMuhsin.
(01:35):
It reflects faith throughexcellence of character and
action.
So there's Islam, which issubmission, which is following
of religious duties.
There's Iman faith, which isbelieving sincerely in the
unseen, and then there's Ihsan,which is excellence, acting
beautifully with Godconsciousness, or in other words
, taking the high road.
(01:56):
A life of Ihsan is being abetter Muslim, a better human.
It invites quality in worship,integrity in actions and
excellence in your character,and again rooted in the
awareness that God is alwayswatching.
But then there is a culturalunderstanding of Ihsan that is
commonly practiced, which one ofthe major manifestations of
(02:18):
cultural understanding of Ihsanis.
It's being misunderstood asperfectionism.
The spiritual idea of doingthings beautifully for the sake
of Allah was flattened intobeing the perfect daughter, the
perfect wife, perfect Muslimah,never showing anger, never
breaking down, never saying no,always doing more, giving more,
(02:39):
achieving more.
Ihsan in case was not onlyabout taking the high road, but
it became about taking theharmful road.
When you misunderstand Ihsanthrough the cultural lens,
especially in emotionallycharged situations, you end up
glorifying self-erasure.
You think you're beingspiritual, when really you're
(03:01):
just ignoring your pain and hurt.
So that's why, before anythingelse, we need to reclaim the
real definition which I started.
This podcast with Ihsan is notabout being perfect.
It's about being aligned withyour creator and your emotional
truth.
It does not ask you to suppressyour anger or silence your
(03:21):
needs.
It asks you to channel yourresponse with integrity and
intention.
That's real excellence, that'sreal beauty.
So, like I said somewhere alongthe way, in the cultural lens of
things, the sacred concept ofihsan was hijacked.
Instead of being taught as aform of divine alignment, it got
(03:41):
repackaged as perfectionism,people-pleasing and emotional
suppression, especially forMuslim women.
And at some point in your lifeyou've probably heard be the
better person, don't talk back,be quiet, be patient, be
graceful, stay in the marriage.
Allah will reward your patienceand, before you know it, ihsan
(04:02):
is no longer about your soul'sconnection to Allah.
It's about making everyone elsecomfortable, this performative
type of ihsan a pressure to beagreeable, forgiving, always
emotionally regulated,spiritually graceful, even when
you're being dismissed,disrespected and dehumanized.
If you've internalized thisoppression in the name of ihsan,
(04:28):
I pray that this podcast givesyou language to heal from it,
when you're taught never to beangry, never to ask for more, to
tolerate what your nervoussystem otherwise finds
intolerable.
That is traumatic to yourpsyche.
That also does not mean thatyou always retaliate.
It just means that you chooseyour response from presence,
honoring what's true for you.
(04:48):
I see in my coaching that ihsanis used very commonly by Muslim
women to force themselves intopoliteness.
I myself admire politeness.
I value taking the high road,but never at the cost of your
mental health.
Ihsan, in these cases, is beingused as a tool for spiritual
bypassing.
That's when religious conceptslike sabr, tawakkul or ihsan are
(05:13):
used to avoid processing realpain.
It's used to avoid expressingreal needs and setting real
boundaries.
In light of all of that,without realizing it, you start
to confuse being suppressed withbeing elevated, which,
ironically, is quite theopposite.
So if you're being told to livemore of a life of Ihsan when
(05:35):
what you really need is rest,boundaries or even righteous
anger, I want you to pause.
You may be mistaking spiritualabuse for religious piety, and
this distinction alone canchange everything for you.
Ihsan is embodying divineattributes like mercy,
forgiveness, but only when theseattributes don't come at the
(05:58):
cost of causing you trauma.
If your version of Ihsan ismaking your body shut down, it's
not Ihsan.
You've left it far behind.
You can only engage inexcellence when your nervous
system is regulated.
When you're not in the state ofsurvival, that's the only time
Ihsan is realistic for you.
If you're repeating things likeI should be more patient, I
(06:21):
should be more kind, I shouldnot expect this or that.
If these words are coming froma place of tightness, fear,
collapse.
If your body clenches when yousay them, that's not healing,
that's not your healingintelligence speaking, that's
your nervous system trying toprotect you from breaking down.
True, ihsan never asks you tooverride the signals of your
(06:44):
body, but if you're practicingIhsan taught through the lens of
guilt and shame, that's whenthe nervous system interprets it
as an internal tiger, dangerousand worth saving you from it.
This traumatic level of ihsanstalks you with shoulds until
you're exhausted, resentful andspiritually burnt out.
(07:05):
And this is exactly howspiritual abuse works Very
subtle, often, in the languageof be better, have more sabr or
take the high road.
But if taking the high road iscosting you your regulation, it
is no longer spiritual, it ispsychological harm.
Real ihsan feels aligned, evenif it is hard.
(07:27):
But when it's hijacked, itfeels like you're being punished
by your religious beliefs,which, of course, is never the
intention.
So here's something I want youto anchor your heart in.
If practicing ihsan is causingyou to dissociate, lose sleep,
question your worth or blameyour faith for your pain, this
(07:47):
is not the true practice ofIhsan.
This is coming frommis-teachings, mis-applications
and unhealed systems, and youdeserve to know the difference.
Your nervous system alwaysknows this difference, even when
your conscious mind tries todeny it and forces you to call
it Ihsan, even when yourconscious mind tries to deny it
and forces you to call it ihsan.
Let's say, your husband doesn'tlower his gaze.
(08:09):
You notice it, you feel it, youbring it up.
But all of a sudden, you're theone being asked to practice
ihsan.
You hear things like just bepatient, take the high road.
Maybe he's looking elsewhere,because something's missing at
home.
Try dressing up more, be morefeminine, be more understanding,
and just like that, a sacredteaching becomes a shield to
(08:32):
deflect responsibility, a toolto shame you into silence.
You're told to be morebeautiful, more obedient, more
flexible, so that his lack ofdiscipline becomes your problem
to fix.
But this is not ihsan.
Ihsan is not an excuse forsomeone else's entitlement.
It is not a strategy to protectsomeone's ego at the cost of
(08:53):
your emotional safety, and it isdefinitely not a way to make
you feel guilty for someoneelse's actions and choices.
In this moment, real ihsan mightlook like anger for you.
It might look like saying no,this is not okay.
It might be standing in yourtruth with strength, because
sometimes taking the higher roaddoes not mean quiet obedience.
(09:15):
Sometimes that means righteousand regulated resistance.
Behavior from ihsan is also notreactivity.
It is acknowledgement of yourpainful emotions and then
choosing a response.
This version of Ihsan, the onlyone that honors both you and the
divine wisdom, may feel fiery,even disruptive, but it will be
(09:39):
aligned with your dignity, withthe spiritual leadership that
Prophet modeled and the lifethat we're asked to follow.
So no, you're not lacking ihsan.
If you speak up, you're notfailing spiritually because you
expect accountability.
I want you to reclaim ihsan inyour life, the way it heals you,
(10:00):
far from being a rigidspiritual performance.
So, while many of you mighthave been taught, ihsan means to
keep giving, keep smiling, keepforgiving, even when you're
depleted.
Real ihsan does not ask you todo any of this.
It does not ask you to eraseyourself, just like it doesn't
ask you to be reactive.
(10:20):
It asks you to acknowledge whatis coming up for you, what is
your truth, and asks you tohonor it.
Not necessarily act on yourvery first instinct, but honor
it.
It does not glorify exhaustion,just like it does not glorify
the other extreme of seekingconflict.
If your experience of Ihsanfeels more like pressure than
(10:43):
peace, more like fear than faith, more like dissociation than
devotion, then what you'repracticing is not spiritual
excellence and it will totallylead to burnout.
True Ihsan is nourishing.
It aligns with your soul, notyour trauma.
It does not ask you to fakekindness while silently
(11:06):
resenting your reality.
It invites you to bebeautifully honest.
It invites you to speak truthwith adab.
It teaches you how to say nowithout guilt and how to say
enough without shame.
It teaches you to honor yourneeds, your body, your dignity,
without losing your connectionto Allah.
(11:26):
You can be firm and faithful.
You can be direct and dignified.
You can protect your peacewithout violating your
principles and still be in thefold of Ihsan.
This is the version that centersyou in your religion, the
version that is not rooted inthe fear of judgment by others,
(11:46):
but rooted in love of Allah.
This is the ihsan that yournervous system not only can hold
, but heal from it, the ihsanthat brings you closer to your
own soul.
It might make you the biggerperson, but it definitely makes
you the truer person.
The one that is honest toherself, makes you the truer
(12:07):
person, the one that is honestto herself, the one who knows
that spiritual excellence doesnot mean pleasing people.
If Ihsan, like we defined, isthe life of standing in sacred
alignment with Allah SWT, theone who created you, and
remembering him at all times,then all of that cannot happen
when you are in survival mode.
In survival mode, in the traumaresponse, the only thing your
(12:31):
mind is concerned with issurvival.
You will not be able to takethe high road when you're in
that level of survival, becausewhen your nervous system is
locked in, fight, flight, freezeor fawn, your body is not
concerned with excellence orspiritual elegance.
Its only concern is safety.
In that state, asking you to begraceful, patient,
(12:52):
understanding, even composed, isnot only unrealistic, it's
totally unkind.
Ihsan cannot grow in a bodythat feels like it's under
threat.
It cannot bloom when your mindis trying to protect you from
emotional harm.
So if you find yourselfsnapping, withdrawing, numbing
out or going silent becauseyou're overwhelmed under the
(13:15):
cultural definition of Ihsan,just know that you're not
failing spiritually.
You're just in survival mode,and survival is never shameful.
But that is also not where youwill live your most beautiful
life.
To truly practice Ihsan the kindthat brings light, peace,
dignity you have to feelinternally safe.
(13:36):
You need to be regulated,resourced and rooted.
Only then can your soul offerbeauty without breaking.
Only then can you take the highroad without abandoning
yourself to get there.
With that, I pray to Allah,subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Ya Allah, allow me to notconfuse fear with faith.
(13:56):
Allow me to not call somethingihsan if it's actually me
abandoning myself to keep thepeace, truly me abandoning
myself to keep the peace.
Ya Allah, help me recognizewhen I'm doing something out of
love of you, versus when I'mdoing it out of habit, pressure
or fear of being judged.
Give me clarity to know what'strue and helpful and what's from
(14:19):
survival.
Let me choose the high roadwhen I have the capacity and
allow me the permission to pausewhen I don't.
Ya Allah, help me build safetyin my body so that all of my
actions come from Ihsan.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, keep mein your duas.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
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