Live Life Without Blame

In this episode we explore what changes when you stop assigning fault for a single day and give your nervous system a kinder job....learning instead of litigating.

We look at why blame feels noble, promising justice, control, and safety, yet slowly turns into armor that becomes a prison. You’ll hear how outward accusation often rebounds as inward self-criticism, and why your brain can’t cleanly separate the tone it uses on others from the tone it uses on you. Rather than shaming yourself for blaming, we honor its positive intention: protection, meaning-making, and boundary-setting. Then we keep the wisdom and drop the weight by swapping blame for acceptance, responsibility without shame, compassion, curiosity, grief, discernment, gratitude, and tawakkul.

Try the one-day experiment: suspend blame for traffic, weather, family, colleagues—or yourself—and notice what softens first. If this conversation resonates, follow the show, share it with someone who needs gentleness today, and leave a review to help others find it.

To leave a review on Apple Podcasts, open the app and go to the show's page by searching for it or finding it in your library. Scroll down to the "Ratings & Reviews" section, tap "Write a Review," then give it a star rating, write your title and review, and tap "Send"

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Welcome to Islamic Life Host School Podcast.
The five tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Donald Aston.

SPEAKER_01 (00:15):
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today I want to talk to youabout the topic of blame.
And what would your life be likeif you didn't blame anyone,
including yourself?
Like somehow the blame machineryin your mind was broken,
completely out of order, andsuddenly there was no victim of
your blaming.

(00:35):
If up until now there's been acourtroom of blaming in your
head, now it's just closed forrenovation.
There's no judge, no defense, noprosecutor.
And I was thinking about thisthe other day, and it created
the most fascinating opening inmy mind.
Because if blame truly stopped,there would be a huge opening in
your mind for peace, joy,comfort.

(00:58):
So much mental and emotionalreal estate would suddenly
become available.
Imagine how much bandwidth you'dreclaim if you stopped running
the constant mental commentary.
Blaming the ex-husband for howthings turned out.
Blaming the child for howthey're pushing your limits,
blaming the in-laws forconstantly interfering, blaming

(01:19):
the weather for your mood,blaming how there's low battery
in your headphones and it ruinedyour walk.
Blaming yourself for forgettingthat grocery item or falling
into the wrong relationship.
Again, all that energy wouldreturn to you.
What would you do with that muchmental energy when your mind
wasn't constantly trying todecide who's guilty?

(01:41):
So in this podcast, I reallywant you to pause and think.
And you can even pause the audioto think about this.
What would it be like if youstopped blaming?
Just pause and really think.
What blame does is that it has aclever way of disguising itself
as moral duty.
As if without it you'd lose yoursense of justice.

(02:01):
It makes itself appear verynoble, like it's protecting you
from becoming indifferent.
It says if you stop blaming,you're letting them get away
with what they did.
But when you really look at itclosely, you realize how
backward that is.
Blame doesn't free you, itweighs you down, it binds you.
Every time you replay the storyof who hurt you and what went

(02:24):
wrong, you strengthen that chainthat binds you down.
You think that you're holding onto something to hold them
accountable, but you're justholding on to pain.
The longer you stay in blame,the longer the misfortune lives
rent-free in your mind.
Yet over and over again, I seeso much of this in my coaching
where blame keeps convincing youthat dropping it would mean that

(02:47):
you're surrendering, that you'regiving up, you're laying down
weapons, and you're declaringthat you've lost this battle.
When in reality peace happens,not when you stop fighting the
fight, but when you don't needone.
You don't need to fight it.
In other words, when you stopblaming, you're not approving
the past.
You're refusing to be imprisonedby it.

(03:09):
So blame wears a mask ofrighteousness.
It says that it makes you feelsharp, alert, and justified.
And it does when the blame ispresent for a short period of
time.
It makes you stand guard and itmakes sure that no one,
including yourself, gets hurtagain.
And that only happens when blamestays its welcome, only for a

(03:31):
short period of time.
If the blame stays longer, itsteals your power in the lame of
protection.
And this transition is verysneaky because it feels so
reasonable even when it staysfor years on end.
You tell yourself, of course I'mupset.
Look what they did.
And for a short period of time,you are right when you are

(03:52):
listening to blame for what itvalues, for what it's teaching
you.
But when you focus your shift onconstant blaming, you stop being
the author of your story and youbecome the character that's
trapped in it.
Blame says I'll feel better whenthey apologize, when the
circumstances change, whenjustice is served.

(04:12):
But what if that never trulyhappens?
Because you cannot controlanyone.
And another very important pointis that blame directed outwards
always circles inward.
Every accusation you make aboutor towards another person, at
its root, it teaches yournervous system how to treat you.

(04:33):
And that's happeningsubconsciously.
When you blame others for beingcareless, a part of you starts
fearing about your owncarelessness.
When you call someone selfish,you start scanning your own
actions for selfishness, evenunder your awareness.
When you judge someone else fornot doing enough, you start

(04:54):
feeling guilty for resting.
The external story becomes aninternal script.
You are both the judge and beingjudged.
This is why people who live inconstant blame are also usually
living under constantself-criticism.
The issue here is that whileyour conscious mind is blaming,
your subconscious mind cannotcompartmentalize it cleanly.

(05:17):
It generalizes it, including toyourself.
And once that pattern is set, itdoesn't care who the target is.
So even when you think you'reprotecting yourself by blaming
people or pointing fingersoutwards, your inner dialogue
absorbs the same tone and itweaponizes it against you.
This is why by lifting blame,and when I say lifting, I don't

(05:42):
mean excusing someone.
By lifting blame, you are doingone of the kindest things you
can do for your nervous system.
And in an effort to do that, allyou have to do is start by
asking, what if blame had apositive intention?
What would it tell me?
Mostly the biggest outcome ofthat answer is that the blame is

(06:02):
there for your protection.
Blame tries to protect you frompain that you haven't learned
yet to sit with.
It's there to help you feelshielded from disappointment,
shame, loss.
Blame says if I can locate thecause to be out there, then
maybe it won't feel so bad.
At its core, blame wants to helpyou make sense of chaos.

(06:24):
It wants to restore order,meaning, and fairness in
otherwise a cruel looking world.
Blame is like an emergencyresponder when something unfair
happens.
It says, Don't worry, I'll findthe reason to be out there, I'll
figure out the culprit, and thenyou'll be safe.
It tries to turn suffering intoa solvable problem by trying to

(06:45):
control others, which is a hugethought error to begin with.
Blame's underlying intention isa false sense of control.
Blame tries to assign fault.
It says, if I can prevent thisfrom happening again, then your
nervous system will be safe.
And under this false premise, itkeeps your nervous system under

(07:06):
constant hypervigilance.
While blame is your psyche'sattempt towards self-respect,
blame refuses to normalize whatwas painful or unfair.
It is trying to tell you thatwhatever unfairness happened
wasn't okay.
But the problem is that itdoesn't know when to lay its
arms down, it doesn't know whento stop.

(07:28):
It overfunctions, and the armorbecomes the prison.
So, yes, if blame had a positiveintention, listen to it by all
means.
And that is your lesson here.
Its main function is to protectyou from pain, preserve your
sense of justice, preventrepeated harm, help you organize

(07:49):
chaos into meaning.
But the deeper wisdom behind itcomes when you have all of these
intentions of safety, fairness,clarity without the constant
heaviness of the blame.
What you have to do is replacethis armor with discernment,
boundaries, compassion, trust,and divine justice specially.

(08:10):
Like everything created by Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala, blame's
purpose is never wrong.
But the constant method it triesto utilize by keeping you under
blame is outdated.
It overstays its welcome.
Blame for not being able to hikea mountain like your friends.
Blame for not being able tolearn on the new job as fast as

(08:32):
you think you should or as fastas your colleagues are learning.
Blame for not being able to moveup in your black belt training
as you thought you would.
Blame for not getting A's aseasily in your college education
as you thought.
Try your life without blame justfor one day.
Just one day.
Start leaving the blame thatfeels the most justified.

(08:55):
The one that sounds like, ofcourse I'm upset.
I have every right to be upset.
Try leaving the blame behind forthe traffic, the spouse, the
system, the world.
And just notice how much blameoffered you peace, but actually
delivered the complete opposite.
Let things be imperfect for oncewithout you trying to assign

(09:17):
blame or fault.
You will start to see that youfeel much lighter.
You will stop carrying blame asthe proof of your suffering.
Even situations that feel verysacred and true, and blame
absolutely refuses to leave.
Situations like exhausting carerequirements for a special needs

(09:37):
child.
Try life without blame.
Don't blame the diagnosis, thecircumstances, or yourself for
being tired.
Just see what happens when youmeet reality without accusation.
You might find there's pain andtenderness there that needs to
be discovered and made room for.
You might find room for softnessthat wasn't possible when blame

(09:59):
was in the way and taking upmost of the room.
You might feel sadness,exhaustion, frustration, and all
of that is allowed.
But now all of these emotionsare gonna start moving through
you instead of starting to getstuck.
And it all starts with youtrying to live one day without
blame.
Okay, so I always tell you guysthat it is a good idea to

(10:21):
replace a negative instructionwith a positive one.
Because when your brain has beenused to blame, it's gonna have a
need to replace it withsomething, otherwise, it's not
gonna know what to do withitself and it's gonna fall back
into the same pattern of blame.
So instead of blame, try otherthings.
Try things like acceptance.

(10:42):
And again, it doesn't mean thatif your father wasn't as
supportive as a child, and as aresult of that you grew into an
insecure attachment style,lifting blame for your father
does not mean that you'reaccepting what happened was
right.
All you're doing is acceptingreality for what it is and what
it was.

(11:03):
And then you try to handle it ina way where you can actually do
something about it in a healingway.
Once faced with this choice,most people do tend to heal, do
tend to choose to gain newperspectives and new meanings.
But it is your choice.
You don't have to gain a newperspective about the same

(11:24):
circumstances in your life ifyou don't want to.
But like I said, once given achoice, most people choose to
heal.
What happens is that once youstop fighting reality, you can
change it.
Some of the things you can tryinstead of blame in order to
fill your nervous system withsomething to do.
One is acceptance, like that wetalked about.

(11:47):
Meaning it was hard and ithappened.
I don't have to like it, but Iaccept what was real.
Acceptance does not erase pain,it just stops you from arguing
with reality.
Another thing you can try isresponsibility without
self-shame.
What happened was not mind tocarry, and this is what is mind

(12:09):
to carry.
Separating blame andresponsibility from each other.
So, what it's gonna sound likein your brain is given what was
true, what is one small thing Ican do differently.
What happens with this mentalityis that it converts the
helplessness of blame intopower.
Next thing you can try iscompassion.

(12:29):
Of course I reacted that way.
I was scared.
Of course they did it the waythey did because they're hurt
themselves, they're acting fromtheir own trauma.
They didn't know better.
And if this level of compassionis not available for you because
it sounds like bypassing, youdon't have to substitute blame
with compassion just because Itold you so in this podcast.

(12:51):
Listen to what is available foryou and your own unique nervous
system.
Next is curiosity.
Why am I thinking blame is theonly way?
What am I protecting when I'mconstantly in blame?
Curiosity is gonna inviteexploration instead of judgment.
Next very important possibilityto replace blame with is grief.

(13:14):
Because it might be that youlost something important and
you're sad about it.
And grief is a totallyacceptable replacement for
blame.
In fact, many forms of blame areunprocessed grief.
Next possibility of replacementis discernment.
This was wrong, but I do nothave to continue to live in it.

(13:34):
That behavior was harmful, but Ichoose to step out of that
story.
What this does is that it keepsyour boundaries intact without
needing the blame as proof.
Next one is gratitude.
Gratitude for your awareness,which is you see now what you
couldn't see before, theprogress, the lessons.

(13:57):
Gratitude is what changes thesame energy of blame, of
accusation into awareness.
That awareness is what uplifts.
And of course, there is faithand belief in the Qadr of Allah.
Having tawakul.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala seesit all, nothing is wasted.
Your job is effort, not outcome.

(14:17):
Blame dissolves when you believethat justice and mercy are from
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala andhave always been accounted for.
Next is witnessing.
You observe your feelingswithout fusing with them,
without becoming your feeling,without reacting to them or
acting from them.
This is a very high level ofmetacognition.

(14:38):
And this is your highest mostintelligence in action.
So now I want to give you someexamples how this transformation
is going to flow.
If your blame is towards yourex-husband for ruining your
life, you're invited to replaceit with things like, I accept
that that was painful.
I take responsibility for how Iheal now.

(15:00):
He acted from his own wounds.
What can I learn about mypatterns?
I am sad for the years I lost.
I am grateful I know what pathto take from now on.
This is acceptance,responsibility, compassion,
curiosity, grief, and gratitude.
Or let's say you're blaming yourlife or your child for throwing

(15:22):
a tantrum in public.
The old pattern would say, Sheis embarrassing me.
Why can't she behave like otherkids?
Some of the replacements you cantry is that's what's happening.
It's a meltdown in front of mein public, it's unpleasant, but
that's what's real.
That's acceptance.
Then there's responsibility.
I can't take control of heremotions, but I can model calm

(15:46):
and help her regulate.
Then there's compassion.
She's overwhelmed, she doesn'tknow how to handle her feelings
yet.
There's curiosity.
What might have triggered thisfor her?
Is she hungry, tired,overstimulated?
Then there's grief.
It hurts that small outings feelso stressful for me.

(16:07):
I wish things were easier.
Then there is gratitude.
At least she feels safe enoughto express her emotions with me.
There's tawakul, there's faith.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala seesmy patience.
Then there's witnessing ofyourself.
I observe my own embarrassmentand I can stay present despite

(16:27):
of it.
If you couldn't attendopportunities for higher
education in the past and you'reconstantly blaming yourself for
it, acceptance would say thatchapter of my life unfolded
differently than I expected.
What happened is true.
Responsibility would say, nowthat I see this gap, what I'm

(16:48):
responsible for now is continuedlearning, formally or
informally.
Compassion would say, I made thebest choices I could with the
circumstances I had.
I know what was available for methen, and I know what's
available for me now.
Curiosity, what values or fearsshape these decisions in the

(17:08):
past?
And what's going to help meprioritize my education now?
Grief.
It hurt that I missed thatopportunity and I feel sad.
I can let this sadness turn intopossibility if I want it.
Then there's discernment.
Not having a high degree doesnot define my intelligence or

(17:29):
success.
Gratitude of the awareness andsaying things like I'm grateful
I care about learning enough tofeel this pain.
It shows that I have hunger forgrowth and opportunity.
Having faith and tawakul, Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala closed that
door for me then.
I may not have understood thereason, but I know that He is

(17:51):
guiding my path always, and Iwill come to find what serves me
better now.
Witnessing.
I notice my mind driftingtowards regret, I can see it,
and I can redirect my mindtowards the present.
All of these are just smallopportunities.
All of these are invites for youto try something new.

(18:11):
What would your life be like ifyou didn't blame anyone or
anything, including yourself?
No need to decide of who'swrong, who's right, who owes
what.
What if all of that energy cameback to you?
The energy to notice beauty, topray with presence, to have
peace and joy replacing theblame.

(18:32):
If your mind was trained to stopneeding a villain constantly,
you'll start to see that yournervous system becomes a
classroom rather than acourtroom.
It offers you information andteaching lessons, not evidence
against your life.
You will realize that withoutblame, there's no one left to

(18:52):
punish, only someone left tounderstand, and that someone is
you.
Without blame, your past losesits authority over your present.
You might be afraid that withoutblame your life will turn
apathic and indifferent, but itgives you your agency back.
I invite you to try your lifewithout blame.

(19:14):
With that I pray to Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala, Ya Allah,
release me from the habit ofblaming.
Soften my heart to accept whatis true without resentment.
Teach me to see your wisdom inevery hardship and to meet every
moment with compassion.
Grant me peace in spaces where Iotherwise seek control, and give

(19:37):
me strength to chooseunderstanding.
Amin Yarabulami.
Please keep me in your da'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.