September 9, 2025 • 21 mins
Reaching my 250th podcast episode feels monumental, and I couldn't think of a more fitting topic to mark this milestone than vulnerability...specifically, how to wield it as the powerful asset it truly is.
Vulnerability... being emotionally transparent can create deeper connections and resolve conflicts more effectively, not all vulnerability leads to healing. The missing piece in most conversations about vulnerability is discernment, knowing when, where, and with whom to share your innermost feelings.
Think of vulnerability as valuable currency. When invested wisely with people who demonstrate emotional maturity, trustworthiness, and consistency, it yields rich dividends of intimacy and understanding. When handed carelessly to those who haven't earned it or lack the capacity to hold it, it becomes costly, eroding the very relationships it should strengthen.
The most transformative approach is becoming your own emotional container first. Before expecting others to hold your feelings with care, learn to sit with your own truths without shame or urgency. This internal safety allows you to share from a place of wholeness rather than seeking validation through exposure.
Proximity does not equal permission. Just because someone is close to you doesn't mean they deserve access to your vulnerable self. Vulnerability also is not the sole measure of closeness in a relationship.
Listen to see how it transforms your relationships when shared selectively with those worthy of this gift.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Atar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today is super, extra special.
I'm recording my podcast number250.
Alhamdulillah, it is soexciting.
(00:26):
I can't believe I'm here.
Thank you for everyone thatsupports me out there.
Thank you for listening.
I know you guys are making adifference in your own lives and
, by extension, in otherpeople's, and that is my
intention here, inshallah.
Today I want to talk to youabout also a very special topic
for the special occasion, andthat is vulnerability.
The dictionary definesvulnerability as quality or
(00:49):
state of being exposed to thepossibility of being attacked or
harmed, either physically oremotionally.
Now, that sounds terrifying, ifyou ask me, because really
that's how it's supposed to be.
Being vulnerable means you'resusceptible to harm.
You're literally openingyourself up to be hurt.
When we talk about emotionalvulnerability, we're talking
(01:09):
about acknowledging and engagingwith feelings, especially the
painful ones, in front of others, instead of hiding them or
numbing them.
That thought alone might makeyou want to bail, but you want
to stick around because I'mgoing to tell you a lot of good
things here that will make thismuch easier.
I've said it before and I'llsay it again Emotions are not a
(01:32):
weakness, they're a source ofyour power.
Emotions drive your actions, andactions are what shape your
strengths, your successes, yourwhole story.
So, as women, you've got moreemotional range, a wider
spectrum, if you will.
You feel things deeply, widelyand, a lot of times, all at once
(01:52):
.
This is not a flaw.
This is something that givesyou an edge.
With the right tools and alittle bit of practice, you can
actually harness all of theseemotions and express them in a
way that serve you financially,relationally, spiritually.
Feelings are profitable if youput them to good use.
You just have to know how towork with them, and I'm a long
(02:13):
time Brene Brown fan.
I've read her books.
I engage with her contentregularly.
She said vulnerability is thebirthplace of belonging and joy,
but I also have my own spin onthings, after integrating her
research and years of mycoaching, because not all
vulnerability is created equaland not all of it creates
belonging and joy.
(02:35):
Sometimes being vulnerable endsup in you being hurt, and my
goal here is to give youpractical steps that apply to
you as a Muslim woman, where youcan use vulnerability to
strengthen your relationshipsand protect yourself from
getting hurt.
So being emotionally vulnerablemeans you're willing to be
susceptible to emotional harm orpain.
(02:56):
Great, we got.
That Makes you human.
You feel anger, shame,loneliness, anxiety all of the
ugly emotions and rather thanavoiding them, you decide to
share them with somebody.
Vulnerability, first of all,requires that you allow these
emotions to exist.
Acknowledge them, because youcan't share your difficult
(03:16):
emotions if you don'tacknowledge them, if you keep
burying them.
And this is one of the manyways that vulnerability creates
healing and belonging, becauseit asks you to acknowledge what
otherwise goes unnoticed.
When vulnerability is usedwisely, it becomes a superpower
(03:36):
in relationships, because itcreates trust and intimacy by
creating a sense of safety andemotional reliability.
Now, according to the SWEETInstitute, s-w-e-e-t and
research from BerkeleyWell-Being Institute,
vulnerability helps dissolvetrust issues and lays the
groundwork for deeper and moremeaningful connections.
It encourages authenticity whenyou show up as your unfiltered
(04:00):
self.
That way, you give otherspermission to do the same, and
that's how real relationshipsare born.
They're not performative whereeveryone's just pretending to be
fine.
Vulnerability makes space foremotional support to grow when
you can express what you needand other people can do the same
with you, and the people whocare about you are more likely
(04:21):
to meet your needs with empathyinstead of confusion or
defensiveness.
And one of the most powerfulreasons that vulnerability works
is that it opens the door forsmoother conflict resolution.
Being honest about your fearsand emotions invites compassion
into disagreements.
Otherwise, you'll be poweringthrough conflict with ego and
(04:43):
control.
Vulnerability makes space for atype of a resolution after a
conflict that strengthens therelationship.
So, like I said, vulnerability,when used wisely, is a
superpower in relationships.
It's like an emotional Wi-Fi inrelationships, because when
it's present, the connectiongets stronger.
(05:04):
So if you've at all bought intothe idea of how powerful
vulnerability actually is, thenwhy doesn't being vulnerable
always work?
Why does it sometimes backfireand why do we always have our
guard up when we're trying toconnect with somebody vulnerably
?
So these are the difficultquestions I'm going to answer in
this podcast, becausevulnerability only heals when
(05:26):
it's mutual, when one personopens up and the other person
holds the vulnerability withcare.
That's a formula.
You cannot just keep handingyour difficult emotions to
someone who's made it clear theydon't know how to hold it they
have never been trained for itor, worse, someone who has a
history of dropping it anddoesn't care.
(05:47):
Women are emotionally wellendowed and socialized to
believe that vulnerability isglue that holds a relationship
together, and I've given youmultiple reasons why that might
be true, but it is not alwaysuniversally true in all
relationships.
But it is not alwaysuniversally true in all
(06:08):
relationships.
It is not a wise strategy todefault to being vulnerable in
all of your relationships,regardless of if the other
person is able to hold it or not.
Vulnerability backfires when wedo it at the wrong places at
the wrong time with the wrongpeople.
Being vulnerable with the wrongperson does not create
connection.
It creates further damage.
It does not build strength.
It cracks the foundation, andif you continue to open up in a
(06:32):
space that cannot or will notreceive you, that's not bravery
and that's not going to provideyou healing.
So, regardless of all of theresearch of how vulnerability is
so important and strengthensrelationships, the messaging
that does not come across andwhat we're not taught about
vulnerability is how to do it ina smart way.
(06:54):
Vulnerability is dependent onhow the other person responds.
If you open your heart andperson dismisses or judges you,
you are going to feel ashamed,hurt and even regret opening up,
and that's going to create afurther gap in a relationship.
That's why you need to bethoughtful about who earns your
vulnerability.
Not everyone deserves all ofyour stories.
(07:16):
You're not going to hand awaythe password to your personal
diary somebody who's going tothrow it in the garbage.
Being vulnerable with the wrongperson will cause more harm
than good.
You might think that aconfessional moment will bring
you closer, but if the otherperson is not equipped to handle
the experience you're handingthem, it will backfire.
(07:37):
This is why it is recommendedto be intentional.
Ask yourself do I trust thisperson?
Do they have the capacity tohear me?
If the answer is no, save yourstory for someone else, maybe
even a journal therapist or atrusted friend who can offer the
empathy you need.
(07:57):
Vulnerability, like anythingelse, is not something that
needs to be avoided at all cost.
It's definitely not somethingthat needs to be handed out all
the time either.
If you've been hurt in the past, rejected or misunderstood,
vulnerability is going to bedifficult.
It's going to feel likeexposure, and if you have people
around you that are able toreceive you, that are able to
(08:20):
hold your stories with you withcare and safety, then it's your
responsibility to heal yournervous system enough to be able
to share vulnerably.
It is your responsibility inthat case to create an internal
safety, the container to hold it.
So in that case, with a historyof disconnection where your
body rejects vulnerability, youlogically might know all of the
(08:43):
benefits of vulnerability andall of Bernays-Brown's work, but
your body is not going to beable to create that level of
intimacy.
So, again, it becomes yourresponsibility to heal your
nervous system, your body andyour mind.
So I want you guys to starttreating your vulnerability as
an asset.
Just like you're not going tohand your money to somebody who
you know is going to waste it,you're not going to hand your
(09:05):
vulnerability to somebody whocannot hold it.
The first container of yourvulnerability is always yourself
, and I've said that in detailin a previous podcast.
Be your own container firstMeaning you cannot go into a
conversation expecting that theywill support you.
The first person who needs tobe able to hold your
(09:27):
vulnerability is you.
That level of emotionalacceptance, turning inwards
towards your feeling andallowing them without judgment.
That is a level ofself-validation that you will
need to master.
That way you will rely less andless on other people's
reactions and when you'vemastered that that is the only
(09:48):
time I will allow you to bevulnerable with somebody who is
not capable of holding it, andthis takes practice.
That way, if they cannot holdyour hurt, at least you are
there to hold it.
At least that way you canempathize with them, knowing
that they didn't have a capacityto give you support that you
were looking for.
That way, at least, you canmake excuses for them.
(10:11):
If you're unable to hold yourown vulnerability and be your
own container and you're alwayslooking at other people to be
able to do that, then you aresetting yourself up for hurt.
Choose the right people.
Share your emotions with peoplewho have shown empathy,
reliability and respect towardsyou.
You're allowed to test thewaters with small disclosures
(10:33):
first, if that's what you need.
The core of today's episode isthat you only be vulnerable with
people who can contain it.
It means that not everybodydeserves that level of
connection with you.
If you've been alive longenough on the planet, then
chances are that you've alreadytried being vulnerable with
(10:53):
someone.
Maybe you opened up aboutsomething that was deeply
personal, hoping that the otherperson would offer support,
reflect your feelings back toyou or just simply hold space
without judgment and listen.
Instead, they dismissed you,minimized your experience,
changed the subject, told youthat you were overreacting, or
made it about themselves thatright, there is your answer that
(11:16):
this person is not capable ofholding your vulnerability.
Maybe it's just a bad momentthat they're having, maybe it's
their pattern, but all of it isdata that is your nervous system
going.
This isn't safe and you'resupposed to listen to it.
You do not owe anyone repeatedaccess to your inner world just
(11:37):
because you are in a closerelationship with them, or just
because you share DNA with them,or just because they're your
spouse or your child or yourparent.
You're not supposed to do anyof that just because society
says you're supposed to be close.
There are other ways to getclose.
If somebody cannot handle yourvulnerability, if they shut it
(11:57):
down, mock it or ignore it, thatdoes not mean you need to try
harder to be understood.
It means they aren't your safecontainer, at least not yet.
I would actually discourage youfrom continuing to be
vulnerable in that relationship.
There are going to be timeswhere you're going to be able to
build that, but you have tocreate that strength in yourself
(12:19):
first, until you've developedyourself enough that you can
hold yourself where you are, youcan be your own solid container
, your own unshakable support.
Until then you cannot teachanybody else to do that for you,
no matter how close of arelationship you're in with them
how to value your emotions.
(12:46):
But if you do decide to teachthem, then make sure that you
can contain and validate youremotions before you give anybody
else that choice.
Some of the qualities you mightwant to look for.
That qualifies people as a safecontainer before you decide to
share.
They show signs of emotionalmaturity.
They don't panic when you bringbig feelings.
They can sit with yourdiscomfort without making it
their own, without trying to fixit, without trying to dismiss
(13:10):
or deflect it.
They have a certaintrustworthiness.
They don't weaponize your wordslater as gossip or they don't
throw those words at you at alater time.
What you say in confidencestays in confidence.
They empathize, not justsympathize, meaning they don't
pity you but they feel with you.
They have consistency in theiractions.
(13:32):
They've shown up before andthey'll show up again.
There's no guesswork in howthey're going to be reacting
today or versus tomorrow.
They have a vibe ofnon-judgment about them.
They have the capacity togenuinely care and if somebody
is lacking these qualities, thenit might just be that they
don't have the emotionalbandwidth.
(13:53):
They don't have the tools ittakes to carry somebody else's
vulnerability, not because theydon't want to connect with you,
not because they mean harm toyou although that might be true
as well but most of the peoplethat we're trying to connect
vulnerably with just haven'tbeen trained to do so.
They may have grown up inhouseholds where feelings were a
liability.
(14:13):
They were never given languagearound their emotions, where any
kind of emotional expressionmeant weakness and asking for
help meant threat to theirsurvival.
So when you show up with yoursoftness and your rawness, they
literally don't know what to dowith it, because they've never
seen it before.
No one modeled it for them, noone taught them how to walk
(14:35):
through emotional complexity, noone told them it's okay not to
be okay.
So they never developed thatmuscle, not because they didn't
want it, but because they neverhad a safe place to build it.
So they can be carrying theirown trauma that is unprocessed,
and when they see yourvulnerability, it pokes at their
own pain because they don'tknow how to handle it.
(14:58):
It reminds them of what theyhaven't sorted it out themselves
and they end up hurting youjust to protect themselves.
A lot of times in these cases,their nervous system is maxed
out as well.
They're constantly living insurvival mode, and if you become
emotionally present with themand transparent to them, it's
going to feel like that's onemore thing that they have to
(15:18):
carry and they're going todisengage and disappoint.
And the real honest truth isthey might not even know that
they're doing this.
Building emotional capacity isa skill and a privilege.
Not everyone received thatprivilege, and if you're not in
a position, then it is not yourresponsibility to teach them.
There are a lot of other waysto connect in a relationship.
(15:42):
So what I'm trying to say hereis, when someone can't meet you
at the level of vulnerabilityyou're offering, it does not
automatically mean that they'retoxic or out to hurt you, or
cold or heartless Although itcan mean all of those things but
most of the time it just meansthat they're not the one to go
deep with you.
You can love them, they canlove you.
(16:03):
You can honor each other withwhatever they can or cannot give
you, but you do not have tokeep handing them your
vulnerability, hoping thatthey'll magically know how to
hold it one day.
Protect your vulnerability likeit is your asset.
It is a valuable emotionalasset.
Just like you wouldn't handyour debit card to a stranger,
(16:24):
just like you wouldn't hand overyour health problems to a
non-expert, you're not going tohand over emotional openness to
somebody that does not know howto handle it, somebody who does
not have that level ofdiscernment.
Vulnerability is a currency.
When spent wisely, itabsolutely builds intimacy,
(16:44):
deepens connection and opensdoors to healing conversations,
especially in conflicts.
But when spent recklessly,shared with people who haven't
earned your trust, whorepeatedly dismiss or misuse
your feelings, it becomes verycostly and it erodes the same
relationships it's supposed tostrengthen.
Just like you have budget yourfinances, you don't walk into
(17:09):
every store throwing cash atthings that won't serve you.
Same way you're not going to begiving vulnerability to
everyone that can't serve it.
Not everyone in your life getsaccess or deserves access to you
at that level.
You do not owe that to anyone.
Proximity does not meanpermission.
Their capacity means permission.
(17:30):
Before you share, just askyourself is this person
emotionally safe?
Have they shown me that theycan hold this?
And, more importantly, do Itrust myself to hold whatever
response comes back?
Because when you treat yourvulnerability as valuable,
others are more likely to treatit that way too.
Before you try anyone else tobecome witness to your truth,
(17:55):
you have to learn to sit with it.
When you are not yet resourcedenough to do that, when your
nervous system is stilluntrained in holding big
feelings with compassion, youwill naturally hand that job to
someone else.
You're going to make it theirresponsibility to comfort you,
to validate you, to make youfeel safe.
But a lot of people around youmight never have been taught to
(18:16):
do that.
They were never given tools tohold their own emotions, let
alone yours.
So when they drop your emotions, when they change the subject,
shut down, get uncomfortable orbecome defensive, and you get
hurt.
In the result, it's natural foryou to think that something's
wrong with the relationship.
But that's not necessarily true.
It's not necessarily brokenness.
(18:38):
It's capacity.
You're offering them somethingsacred.
You're offering them a valuableasset and they're simply not
equipped to receive it, andthat's okay.
This is why your internalcontainment matters.
When you know how to hold yourown emotional experience without
shame, without urgency, withoutthe need for somebody else's
(19:00):
permission or for somebody elseto fix it, you stop making it
other people's job.
You give them the opportunityto support you rather than
rescue you.
The real trap is when we seekvalidation through vulnerability
, and this is the biggest misuseof this gift.
When vulnerability becomes atool to be seen, praised,
(19:21):
reassured or feel chosen, you'renot connecting.
That's a level of performance.
You're outsourcing your worthto somebody else's reaction, and
that's a dangerous place to be.
So the shift you're going tomake is be vulnerable from a
place of wholeness, and when youanchor in your truth first, you
stop getting knocked over byother people's inability to meet
(19:43):
you there.
And while we are socialized tothink that not being able to be
vulnerable is detachment, it'snot.
It's a level of maturity.
It's protection, it's power.
It's you giving the power tothe relationship the way it
belongs.
It's you practicing vigilanceand stewardship.
With that, I pray to Allah SWT.
(20:04):
Ya Allah, help me treat myvulnerability with care.
Let me recognize it assomething valuable, not
something I need to hide or giveaway carelessly.
Guide me to share it only wherethere is safety.
Ya Allah, provide me safety inmy relationship.
Protect me from using myvulnerability to seek validation
(20:26):
.
Instead, let it be a path toconnection, and especially
connection and closeness to you.
Ya Rabb, ya Allah, place peoplein my life who know how to
listen with gentleness and helpme remember that I can never be
alone when I share vulnerablywith you.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, pleasekeep me in your duas.
(20:46):
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Atar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today is super, extra special.
I'm recording my podcast number250.
Alhamdulillah, it is soexciting.
(00:26):
I can't believe I'm here.
Thank you for everyone thatsupports me out there.
Thank you for listening.
I know you guys are making adifference in your own lives and
, by extension, in otherpeople's, and that is my
intention here, inshallah.
Today I want to talk to youabout also a very special topic
for the special occasion, andthat is vulnerability.
The dictionary definesvulnerability as quality or
(00:49):
state of being exposed to thepossibility of being attacked or
harmed, either physically oremotionally.
Now, that sounds terrifying, ifyou ask me, because really
that's how it's supposed to be.
Being vulnerable means you'resusceptible to harm.
You're literally openingyourself up to be hurt.
When we talk about emotionalvulnerability, we're talking
(01:09):
about acknowledging and engagingwith feelings, especially the
painful ones, in front of others, instead of hiding them or
numbing them.
That thought alone might makeyou want to bail, but you want
to stick around because I'mgoing to tell you a lot of good
things here that will make thismuch easier.
I've said it before and I'llsay it again Emotions are not a
(01:32):
weakness, they're a source ofyour power.
Emotions drive your actions, andactions are what shape your
strengths, your successes, yourwhole story.
So, as women, you've got moreemotional range, a wider
spectrum, if you will.
You feel things deeply, widelyand, a lot of times, all at once
(01:52):
.
This is not a flaw.
This is something that givesyou an edge.
With the right tools and alittle bit of practice, you can
actually harness all of theseemotions and express them in a
way that serve you financially,relationally, spiritually.
Feelings are profitable if youput them to good use.
You just have to know how towork with them, and I'm a long
(02:13):
time Brene Brown fan.
I've read her books.
I engage with her contentregularly.
She said vulnerability is thebirthplace of belonging and joy,
but I also have my own spin onthings, after integrating her
research and years of mycoaching, because not all
vulnerability is created equaland not all of it creates
belonging and joy.
(02:35):
Sometimes being vulnerable endsup in you being hurt, and my
goal here is to give youpractical steps that apply to
you as a Muslim woman, where youcan use vulnerability to
strengthen your relationshipsand protect yourself from
getting hurt.
So being emotionally vulnerablemeans you're willing to be
susceptible to emotional harm orpain.
(02:56):
Great, we got.
That Makes you human.
You feel anger, shame,loneliness, anxiety all of the
ugly emotions and rather thanavoiding them, you decide to
share them with somebody.
Vulnerability, first of all,requires that you allow these
emotions to exist.
Acknowledge them, because youcan't share your difficult
(03:16):
emotions if you don'tacknowledge them, if you keep
burying them.
And this is one of the manyways that vulnerability creates
healing and belonging, becauseit asks you to acknowledge what
otherwise goes unnoticed.
When vulnerability is usedwisely, it becomes a superpower
(03:36):
in relationships, because itcreates trust and intimacy by
creating a sense of safety andemotional reliability.
Now, according to the SWEETInstitute, s-w-e-e-t and
research from BerkeleyWell-Being Institute,
vulnerability helps dissolvetrust issues and lays the
groundwork for deeper and moremeaningful connections.
It encourages authenticity whenyou show up as your unfiltered
(04:00):
self.
That way, you give otherspermission to do the same, and
that's how real relationshipsare born.
They're not performative whereeveryone's just pretending to be
fine.
Vulnerability makes space foremotional support to grow when
you can express what you needand other people can do the same
with you, and the people whocare about you are more likely
(04:21):
to meet your needs with empathyinstead of confusion or
defensiveness.
And one of the most powerfulreasons that vulnerability works
is that it opens the door forsmoother conflict resolution.
Being honest about your fearsand emotions invites compassion
into disagreements.
Otherwise, you'll be poweringthrough conflict with ego and
(04:43):
control.
Vulnerability makes space for atype of a resolution after a
conflict that strengthens therelationship.
So, like I said, vulnerability,when used wisely, is a
superpower in relationships.
It's like an emotional Wi-Fi inrelationships, because when
it's present, the connectiongets stronger.
(05:04):
So if you've at all bought intothe idea of how powerful
vulnerability actually is, thenwhy doesn't being vulnerable
always work?
Why does it sometimes backfireand why do we always have our
guard up when we're trying toconnect with somebody vulnerably
?
So these are the difficultquestions I'm going to answer in
this podcast, becausevulnerability only heals when
(05:26):
it's mutual, when one personopens up and the other person
holds the vulnerability withcare.
That's a formula.
You cannot just keep handingyour difficult emotions to
someone who's made it clear theydon't know how to hold it they
have never been trained for itor, worse, someone who has a
history of dropping it anddoesn't care.
(05:47):
Women are emotionally wellendowed and socialized to
believe that vulnerability isglue that holds a relationship
together, and I've given youmultiple reasons why that might
be true, but it is not alwaysuniversally true in all
relationships.
But it is not alwaysuniversally true in all
(06:08):
relationships.
It is not a wise strategy todefault to being vulnerable in
all of your relationships,regardless of if the other
person is able to hold it or not.
Vulnerability backfires when wedo it at the wrong places at
the wrong time with the wrongpeople.
Being vulnerable with the wrongperson does not create
connection.
It creates further damage.
It does not build strength.
It cracks the foundation, andif you continue to open up in a
(06:32):
space that cannot or will notreceive you, that's not bravery
and that's not going to provideyou healing.
So, regardless of all of theresearch of how vulnerability is
so important and strengthensrelationships, the messaging
that does not come across andwhat we're not taught about
vulnerability is how to do it ina smart way.
(06:54):
Vulnerability is dependent onhow the other person responds.
If you open your heart andperson dismisses or judges you,
you are going to feel ashamed,hurt and even regret opening up,
and that's going to create afurther gap in a relationship.
That's why you need to bethoughtful about who earns your
vulnerability.
Not everyone deserves all ofyour stories.
(07:16):
You're not going to hand awaythe password to your personal
diary somebody who's going tothrow it in the garbage.
Being vulnerable with the wrongperson will cause more harm
than good.
You might think that aconfessional moment will bring
you closer, but if the otherperson is not equipped to handle
the experience you're handingthem, it will backfire.
(07:37):
This is why it is recommendedto be intentional.
Ask yourself do I trust thisperson?
Do they have the capacity tohear me?
If the answer is no, save yourstory for someone else, maybe
even a journal therapist or atrusted friend who can offer the
empathy you need.
(07:57):
Vulnerability, like anythingelse, is not something that
needs to be avoided at all cost.
It's definitely not somethingthat needs to be handed out all
the time either.
If you've been hurt in the past, rejected or misunderstood,
vulnerability is going to bedifficult.
It's going to feel likeexposure, and if you have people
around you that are able toreceive you, that are able to
(08:20):
hold your stories with you withcare and safety, then it's your
responsibility to heal yournervous system enough to be able
to share vulnerably.
It is your responsibility inthat case to create an internal
safety, the container to hold it.
So in that case, with a historyof disconnection where your
body rejects vulnerability, youlogically might know all of the
(08:43):
benefits of vulnerability andall of Bernays-Brown's work, but
your body is not going to beable to create that level of
intimacy.
So, again, it becomes yourresponsibility to heal your
nervous system, your body andyour mind.
So I want you guys to starttreating your vulnerability as
an asset.
Just like you're not going tohand your money to somebody who
you know is going to waste it,you're not going to hand your
(09:05):
vulnerability to somebody whocannot hold it.
The first container of yourvulnerability is always yourself
, and I've said that in detailin a previous podcast.
Be your own container firstMeaning you cannot go into a
conversation expecting that theywill support you.
The first person who needs tobe able to hold your
(09:27):
vulnerability is you.
That level of emotionalacceptance, turning inwards
towards your feeling andallowing them without judgment.
That is a level ofself-validation that you will
need to master.
That way you will rely less andless on other people's
reactions and when you'vemastered that that is the only
(09:48):
time I will allow you to bevulnerable with somebody who is
not capable of holding it, andthis takes practice.
That way, if they cannot holdyour hurt, at least you are
there to hold it.
At least that way you canempathize with them, knowing
that they didn't have a capacityto give you support that you
were looking for.
That way, at least, you canmake excuses for them.
(10:11):
If you're unable to hold yourown vulnerability and be your
own container and you're alwayslooking at other people to be
able to do that, then you aresetting yourself up for hurt.
Choose the right people.
Share your emotions with peoplewho have shown empathy,
reliability and respect towardsyou.
You're allowed to test thewaters with small disclosures
(10:33):
first, if that's what you need.
The core of today's episode isthat you only be vulnerable with
people who can contain it.
It means that not everybodydeserves that level of
connection with you.
If you've been alive longenough on the planet, then
chances are that you've alreadytried being vulnerable with
(10:53):
someone.
Maybe you opened up aboutsomething that was deeply
personal, hoping that the otherperson would offer support,
reflect your feelings back toyou or just simply hold space
without judgment and listen.
Instead, they dismissed you,minimized your experience,
changed the subject, told youthat you were overreacting, or
made it about themselves thatright, there is your answer that
(11:16):
this person is not capable ofholding your vulnerability.
Maybe it's just a bad momentthat they're having, maybe it's
their pattern, but all of it isdata that is your nervous system
going.
This isn't safe and you'resupposed to listen to it.
You do not owe anyone repeatedaccess to your inner world just
(11:37):
because you are in a closerelationship with them, or just
because you share DNA with them,or just because they're your
spouse or your child or yourparent.
You're not supposed to do anyof that just because society
says you're supposed to be close.
There are other ways to getclose.
If somebody cannot handle yourvulnerability, if they shut it
(11:57):
down, mock it or ignore it, thatdoes not mean you need to try
harder to be understood.
It means they aren't your safecontainer, at least not yet.
I would actually discourage youfrom continuing to be
vulnerable in that relationship.
There are going to be timeswhere you're going to be able to
build that, but you have tocreate that strength in yourself
(12:19):
first, until you've developedyourself enough that you can
hold yourself where you are, youcan be your own solid container
, your own unshakable support.
Until then you cannot teachanybody else to do that for you,
no matter how close of arelationship you're in with them
how to value your emotions.
(12:46):
But if you do decide to teachthem, then make sure that you
can contain and validate youremotions before you give anybody
else that choice.
Some of the qualities you mightwant to look for.
That qualifies people as a safecontainer before you decide to
share.
They show signs of emotionalmaturity.
They don't panic when you bringbig feelings.
They can sit with yourdiscomfort without making it
their own, without trying to fixit, without trying to dismiss
(13:10):
or deflect it.
They have a certaintrustworthiness.
They don't weaponize your wordslater as gossip or they don't
throw those words at you at alater time.
What you say in confidencestays in confidence.
They empathize, not justsympathize, meaning they don't
pity you but they feel with you.
They have consistency in theiractions.
(13:32):
They've shown up before andthey'll show up again.
There's no guesswork in howthey're going to be reacting
today or versus tomorrow.
They have a vibe ofnon-judgment about them.
They have the capacity togenuinely care and if somebody
is lacking these qualities, thenit might just be that they
don't have the emotionalbandwidth.
(13:53):
They don't have the tools ittakes to carry somebody else's
vulnerability, not because theydon't want to connect with you,
not because they mean harm toyou although that might be true
as well but most of the peoplethat we're trying to connect
vulnerably with just haven'tbeen trained to do so.
They may have grown up inhouseholds where feelings were a
liability.
(14:13):
They were never given languagearound their emotions, where any
kind of emotional expressionmeant weakness and asking for
help meant threat to theirsurvival.
So when you show up with yoursoftness and your rawness, they
literally don't know what to dowith it, because they've never
seen it before.
No one modeled it for them, noone taught them how to walk
(14:35):
through emotional complexity, noone told them it's okay not to
be okay.
So they never developed thatmuscle, not because they didn't
want it, but because they neverhad a safe place to build it.
So they can be carrying theirown trauma that is unprocessed,
and when they see yourvulnerability, it pokes at their
own pain because they don'tknow how to handle it.
(14:58):
It reminds them of what theyhaven't sorted it out themselves
and they end up hurting youjust to protect themselves.
A lot of times in these cases,their nervous system is maxed
out as well.
They're constantly living insurvival mode, and if you become
emotionally present with themand transparent to them, it's
going to feel like that's onemore thing that they have to
(15:18):
carry and they're going todisengage and disappoint.
And the real honest truth isthey might not even know that
they're doing this.
Building emotional capacity isa skill and a privilege.
Not everyone received thatprivilege, and if you're not in
a position, then it is not yourresponsibility to teach them.
There are a lot of other waysto connect in a relationship.
(15:42):
So what I'm trying to say hereis, when someone can't meet you
at the level of vulnerabilityyou're offering, it does not
automatically mean that they'retoxic or out to hurt you, or
cold or heartless Although itcan mean all of those things but
most of the time it just meansthat they're not the one to go
deep with you.
You can love them, they canlove you.
(16:03):
You can honor each other withwhatever they can or cannot give
you, but you do not have tokeep handing them your
vulnerability, hoping thatthey'll magically know how to
hold it one day.
Protect your vulnerability likeit is your asset.
It is a valuable emotionalasset.
Just like you wouldn't handyour debit card to a stranger,
(16:24):
just like you wouldn't hand overyour health problems to a
non-expert, you're not going tohand over emotional openness to
somebody that does not know howto handle it, somebody who does
not have that level ofdiscernment.
Vulnerability is a currency.
When spent wisely, itabsolutely builds intimacy,
(16:44):
deepens connection and opensdoors to healing conversations,
especially in conflicts.
But when spent recklessly,shared with people who haven't
earned your trust, whorepeatedly dismiss or misuse
your feelings, it becomes verycostly and it erodes the same
relationships it's supposed tostrengthen.
Just like you have budget yourfinances, you don't walk into
(17:09):
every store throwing cash atthings that won't serve you.
Same way you're not going to begiving vulnerability to
everyone that can't serve it.
Not everyone in your life getsaccess or deserves access to you
at that level.
You do not owe that to anyone.
Proximity does not meanpermission.
Their capacity means permission.
(17:30):
Before you share, just askyourself is this person
emotionally safe?
Have they shown me that theycan hold this?
And, more importantly, do Itrust myself to hold whatever
response comes back?
Because when you treat yourvulnerability as valuable,
others are more likely to treatit that way too.
Before you try anyone else tobecome witness to your truth,
(17:55):
you have to learn to sit with it.
When you are not yet resourcedenough to do that, when your
nervous system is stilluntrained in holding big
feelings with compassion, youwill naturally hand that job to
someone else.
You're going to make it theirresponsibility to comfort you,
to validate you, to make youfeel safe.
But a lot of people around youmight never have been taught to
(18:16):
do that.
They were never given tools tohold their own emotions, let
alone yours.
So when they drop your emotions, when they change the subject,
shut down, get uncomfortable orbecome defensive, and you get
hurt.
In the result, it's natural foryou to think that something's
wrong with the relationship.
But that's not necessarily true.
It's not necessarily brokenness.
(18:38):
It's capacity.
You're offering them somethingsacred.
You're offering them a valuableasset and they're simply not
equipped to receive it, andthat's okay.
This is why your internalcontainment matters.
When you know how to hold yourown emotional experience without
shame, without urgency, withoutthe need for somebody else's
(19:00):
permission or for somebody elseto fix it, you stop making it
other people's job.
You give them the opportunityto support you rather than
rescue you.
The real trap is when we seekvalidation through vulnerability
, and this is the biggest misuseof this gift.
When vulnerability becomes atool to be seen, praised,
(19:21):
reassured or feel chosen, you'renot connecting.
That's a level of performance.
You're outsourcing your worthto somebody else's reaction, and
that's a dangerous place to be.
So the shift you're going tomake is be vulnerable from a
place of wholeness, and when youanchor in your truth first, you
stop getting knocked over byother people's inability to meet
(19:43):
you there.
And while we are socialized tothink that not being able to be
vulnerable is detachment, it'snot.
It's a level of maturity.
It's protection, it's power.
It's you giving the power tothe relationship the way it
belongs.
It's you practicing vigilanceand stewardship.
With that, I pray to Allah SWT.
(20:04):
Ya Allah, help me treat myvulnerability with care.
Let me recognize it assomething valuable, not
something I need to hide or giveaway carelessly.
Guide me to share it only wherethere is safety.
Ya Allah, provide me safety inmy relationship.
Protect me from using myvulnerability to seek validation
(20:26):
.
Instead, let it be a path toconnection, and especially
connection and closeness to you.
Ya Rabb, ya Allah, place peoplein my life who know how to
listen with gentleness and helpme remember that I can never be
alone when I share vulnerablywith you.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, pleasekeep me in your duas.
(20:46):
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
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