Overcome Addition and save Your marriage | Cody Butler

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Cody Butler is the founder of "The Better Marriage" and "The God-Centered Man". 
  
 Cody helps Business Men who are struggling, to rebuild their marriage from the ground up. 
  
 He's also the author #1 Best Selling Author of “Cut The B.S - A No-Nonsense Guide To Happiness”. 
  
 Cody's been featured on Fox, ABC, and NBC and has worked with thousands of clients people to date.

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Episode Transcript

cody (00:01):
So the question is like, what would you have to believe,
to conduct that behavior? Whatwould you have to believe to
engage in that behavior? Becausejust like so you're smart guy,
you're successful. You're not.
You're not naive to theconsequences of what you're
doing, right? You're not naiveto the consequences of what
you're doing. So the questionthat really uncovers everything
is what would you have tobelieve in order to engage in

(00:24):
this behavior? Welcome to theJosh Bolton show. Die
interesting and inspiringconversation.

Josh Bolton (00:36):
And now your host, Josh Bolten. Sounds good to me,
man.

cody (00:45):
Nothing like a live stream at three o'clock in the morning.

Josh Bolton (00:48):
You're like I don't have enough coffee for this man.

cody (00:52):
I'll get my sparkling water.

Josh Bolton (00:54):
Oh, even better.
Look around, is it?

cody (00:58):
It's a generic brand.

Josh Bolton (01:00):
Give your generic brands way different than mine.

cody (01:03):
Yeah, that's Walworth.
Just like supermarket brand.
Okay. Yeah. So it'd be like wedidn't really have Winn Dixie
and then California or Kroger,what's it? Yeah, we

Josh Bolton (01:15):
have like Kroger is the big one out here.

cody (01:17):
Kroger Yeah. So it'd be like Kroger own brand
equivalent. Dollar about $1.
About Oh, man, it's perfect.

Josh Bolton (01:25):
Man. It's not $1 here anymore. In California.
It's like $2 for a 16 ounce.

cody (01:32):
Oh, yeah. Yeah. People People complain about the price
of gasoline, man, it's water.
What is what's expensive? It is.

Josh Bolton (01:43):
So I'm just curious, what was the like the
the backstory to you why you gotinto your situation, and
coaching people how to handlethe work life balance.

cody (01:56):
So really, so it's more like, my focus is marriage, or
relationships? Yeah, so Istarted out, I was probably my
first online business was livecoaching. And that was mid
2000s. Okay, I didn't have to, Ijust didn't have the skills to
make that work. Like in terms ofbusiness wise, marketing wise, I

(02:17):
couldn't, I couldn't get it offthe ground. So I ended up
getting a job in a marketingagency. Actually, as you know,
it's a long story, why we endedup getting a job at a marketing
agency. And for 1012 years, Iwent down that down that route
of becoming a marketingspecialist and became a
marketing consultant and didvery well work for some of the

(02:38):
biggest companies in the worldand actually learn working with
business owners as I could seethat the problem that they were
having, for the, for the mostpart, were in the home, like
there's a lot of highperformance men who had low
performance marriages. And ofcourse, if your relationships
are not working, then nothing'sworking in your life. And a lot
of the problems to that owning abusiness created. So for myself,

(03:02):
like excessive alcohol and druguse became a problem just
because of the lack of certaintyand the lack of security that
being a business owner brings,you know, brings, we go and we
go into business to create thatsecurity and create that
certainty. But the reality is,it destroys it for the most
part, and most of us deal withit in a very negative way. And
of course, that impacts therelationship as well. So having

(03:26):
been through that cycle myself,and then coming out the other
side, and a couple of years ago,now, three years ago, or so it's
like, I had the skill to bringthe coaching business to market
now. So it kind of went in fullcircle, I'm like, I really, this
is really what I want to bedoing. I've gone into marketing
kind of as I've just kind offalling it fallen in that. But

(03:47):
as a result of falling into it,I now have the skills to go back
to what I was doing originally,and realizing where the real
demand or where the real gap inthe market was, which is for
business owners and for men thatare really struggling as a
result of going into businessand not really understanding the
uncertainty and the stress thatthat brings and then falling

(04:09):
into the drugs and the alcoholand then the destruction of that
brings to marriage as well, ifthat makes sense.

Josh Bolton (04:14):
Oh, absolutely. I used to be a prolific alcohol
abuser. And in my wake up callwas my mom's a very patient
person. I was living with her.
And she's like, Yeah, if youkeep drinking, I'm just gonna
have to throw all your shit inthe front yard and you figure it
out. That was a kind of thatmoment. I was like, Oh, wait, I
have a good deal here. Ishouldn't do that.

cody (04:35):
Yeah. Anybody who's drinking? I mean, they might
think that it's under control.
But the reality is, as long asyou're drinking your life is in
is in freefall. It'sdeteriorating and Oh, yeah. Just
just because it hasn't reached apoint to where you recognize
that Yeah. Doesn't doesn't meanthat it's happening and
unfortunately, like, with, withmarriage, like with marriage,
really, you know, men especiallythey don't realize this

(04:57):
situation until it's too Theydon't realize until they've
crossed the line and their wifehas kicked them out or ask them
to leave or ask for a divorce.
Or they don't realize thatthey're in trouble with alcohol.
And so they've crossed thatline. And they've tried to stop
and they can't, or they realizethat their life is out of
control, and they try to get itback. And they can't. And
unfortunately, we go too far.
And the way we find out that wewe've lost control is that we've

(05:19):
lost control, that's when peoplefind out of course, when you've
lost control, you're no longerin control. And you're in
trouble at that point.

Josh Bolton (05:28):
And that's when people are they've been biting
their tongue the whole time. Butfinally, they're like, we can't,
we can't sit on the side, wehave to tell them kind of thing.
And that's, that's when usuallyyou should listen. But you're
probably like a whole handle ofTito's vodka. And you're like,
what? They're talking to me. Andthe thing.

cody (05:46):
Oh, you just, it's just like, I think everybody, not
everybody, a lot of people knowthat. They're in trouble.
They're just in denial as well.
Yes. They're just in denial. Andlike the, the number of people
I've talked to you even talkshow hosts like yourself, where
they'll start asking questions,and they'll go, oh, well, I you
know, I just have a glass ofwine every night. And it's only
controlled and then we dig alittle bit deeper. And it's

(06:09):
like, well, actually, it's abottle of wine every night and
then your first dress. And it'slike, actually, it's it's a
bottle of wine every night andyou're not in control and your
life's out of control. It'slike, everybody says the same
thing. I just have a glass ofwine every night does it you
know, just relaxes me. It'slike, All right, well, that's
the start of it.

Josh Bolton (06:31):
The one I joke with people is more like a close
friend joke. It's like if you'regonna do something like that,
like smoked marijuana orsomething, the worst that's
gonna happen. You just veg andlook at the ceiling be like,
Wow, that's pretty.

cody (06:43):
What's better. It's a better of, like, if you're gonna
do something. Yeah, exactly.
Like nobody gets high and startto fight. No, they don't want
you know, nobody goes, nobodysmokes a joint and go smack
their wife around. No, itdoesn't. It doesn't happen. It's
like if you're going to doanything, do marijuana, of
course like that. That's that'swhat I say. I'm I'm not that I'm
advocating that, you know, I'mnot either. It's just, it's,

(07:03):
yeah.

Josh Bolton (07:06):
If you have to pick one, pick that one.

cody (07:08):
Yeah, yeah. But really the sort of where I focus, we can go
either way with it when you'rewherever you want with this. But
it's the businesses that sayit's high performance men that
have low performance marriagesthat it comes at the cost of
their businesses as come at thecost of human collateral. Yes,

(07:28):
they've damaged theirrelationship with their wife,
they've damaged theirrelationship with their
children, and they don't. By thetime they realize that, that's
what's happened, it's quiteoften, it's very late in the
day, and the woman has beenwarning them and warning them
and warning them. What's goingon, of course, it's that date,
it's the difference between themale and the female mind, the

(07:48):
man is like, if I'm providingI'm doing everything that I need
to do, and the woman is like, Idon't want your money, I want
you. So this is the man isthinking I'm providing for you,
I'm being a good husband, I'mdoing everything. And she's
like, you're not being a goodhusband, because you're not
there. And you know, by the timethat it gets to the point where
the woman just goes, I can'ttake this anymore. I'm out of

(08:08):
here. That's when the manfinally wakes up and goes, I've
got to do something about it.
And it's like, well, we leftthis very late in the day,
didn't we? And usually, there's,like I say, when you start
digging, there's there's more toit as well. There's usually drug
and alcohol use involved or drugor alcohol use, and a whole
soiree of negative habits thatare that are causing the
behavior and causing theproblems.

Josh Bolton (08:31):
Yeah, absolutely.
Especially the high performers.
They use it's sad to see it thisway. Unless someone directly
like like a coach saying it tothem saying, You're fucking up
because of XY and Z. They'renever going to get the memo.
Because like, everything'ssteady. No one's telling me
otherwise.

cody (08:49):
Kind of thing. What exactly right? I mean, if you
want to, if you want to pisssomebody off, just tell them the
truth, that that's the easiestway to that's the easiest way
and the fastest way to pisspeople off who everybody loves.
The truth is like, well, likeJesus told the truth and get
themselves killed, didn't.
Allergy Yes, it got himselfkilled for telling the truth.
It's like nothing will pisspeople off faster than the

(09:13):
truth. And it's like nobody,nobody around you. And so when I
start working with men, I'mlike, ultimately, it's the truth
that's gonna set you free.
You've got you've got to learnthe truth. And the truth is,
you're not who you think youare, you're not behaving the way
you think you're behaving,you're not having the impact
that you think you're having.
And the reality is like, almosteverything you know about
yourself or you think you knowabout yourself is not true. It's

(09:34):
like that. You barely know youryour name and social security
number that most people do wellto come up with that it's like
that's about the extent of whatmost people know about
themselves. It's like, whatwhat's driving this obsessive
behavior and business wasdriving this this self
destructive relationshipbehavior and relationships and
stuff like that. That's what wegot to get to the bottom of we

(09:55):
got to find out who you reallyare. And that truth is going to
be pretty ugly.

Josh Bolton (10:00):
No, absolutely. And a lot of people do everything
they can to not hear it.

cody (10:06):
So everything, everything.

Josh Bolton (10:09):
It's. So let's say a hypothetical, let's say I'm a
client that we see came on toyour program. I'm running a
marketing firm, we're doingdouble digit growth. But I'm
throwing back a pint of gin aday. But I've gotten my
tolerance to the point itdoesn't like, directly affect

(10:30):
me. I'm not a slurry anymore.
How would you have firstAnalects? Me?

cody (10:36):
Yeah, so the question is like, what would you have to
believe, to conduct thatbehavior? What would you have to
believe to engage in thatbehavior? Because just like, so
you're smart guy, you know,you're not, you're successful,
you're not. You're not naive tothe consequences of what you're
doing. Right? You're not naiveto the consequences of what
you're doing. So the questionthat really uncovers everything

(10:59):
is what would you have tobelieve in order to engage in
this behavior? Trigger?

Josh Bolton (11:07):
Obviously, the only thing that came to mind if I had
to do it, if I was doing that,is I want it to feel numb. So I
don't have to be hurt, I guess,be there.

cody (11:17):
Yeah, so that's where that's where most people that's
where most people start with ananswer something like that.
We're just like, let's talkabout like fast food, for
example. That's an easierexample to understand if you
know fast food, if you didn't,if you know, fast food is
harmful to yourself. Yet you eatit anyway. What would you have
to believe to eat fast foodknowing that it's harmful? And

(11:41):
when you did, the answer is thatI would have to believe that
it's okay to eat food that'sharmful, but to myself, Okay,
well, let's go to the nextlevel, what would you have to
believe to do that? Well, I'dhave to believe that I'm
deserving of that harm. I'd haveto believe that I'm deserving of
that harm. It's like Now we'regetting somewhere. Yes, like

(12:01):
that. That's where people go,okay. Because at the end of the
day, so if you're, if you'reknocking back a pint of vodka,
and I it's like, oh, anythingreally, it's like, you know,
that that's doing harm to you?
And if you said, What would youhave to believe and to continue
in a behavior that you know, isharmful to yourself? Well, I'd
have to believe that I that Ideserve that harm, or I have to
believe, okay, well, let's goanother level you've got, you've

(12:21):
got a marriage, you've got awife and children, you know,
deep down inside or not evendeep down that your behavior is
damaging to that relationship.
So what would you have tobelieve to continue in a
behavior that is damaging toyour relationship? What would
you have to believe thatcontinuing that behavior, you
know, is damaging and continueto do it? And it's like, well,

(12:44):
you'd have to believe that it'sokay to damage that
relationship, you'd have tobelieve that I don't deserve
that relationship, because youknow that your behavior is going
to destroy that relationship. Orokay.

Josh Bolton (12:56):
I'm just going to interject there for a second,
because I agree with everythingyou're saying. But what could
also be that they feel they aredeserving of that pain?

cody (13:04):
Exactly, exactly. I mean, it's not. There are many beliefs
that will be driving thisbehavior and all of them
negative. Yeah, for you toengage in a behavior that, you
know, is negative anddestructive. There are a lot of
very negative beliefs, or selfworth issues that underlie that.
So this is this is what I what Imean, when people say I say

(13:26):
people barely know their ownsocial security number, right?
They don't know the beliefs thatare driving the behavior. They
don't know the beliefs that aredriving their behavior that
uncovered their subconscious. Soby asking the question, what
would I have to believe toengage in this behavior? It
uncovers the belief that'sdriving it. And then the next
question, once you uncovered thebelief, like, like you say, the

(13:49):
belief could be I'm deserving ofthis negative outcome or this
now a negative outcome is what Ideserved. And the next question
is, is that true? Is that true?
And a lot of people go up, forme to engage in this destructive
behavior that is destroying mymarriage, I would have to
believe that I don't deserve agreat marriage or I don't

(14:11):
deserve a great relationship.
Okay. Well, let's analyze thatit. Next question is, is that
true? Let's get to the bottom ofwhere that's coming from. And a
lot of people go well, no, it'snot true. Okay. So our entire
life is built on a false belief,our entire life is built on a
lie. Yeah. Our behavior is beingdriven by things that are not

(14:32):
true. So now, you know, now youknow what's driving your
behavior. Now you know whatyou're making your decisions on.
And now you know that that isnot true. Now you have a choice.
Now, you can turn around andmake a different decision and a
better decision. And if you'rewilling to face the truth, if
you're willing to do that, mostmost, most people won't go deep

(14:53):
enough. They'll just stuff andthey go well, I'd have to
believe that it's okay to dothat. It's like, but you just
told me it isn't right. You justtold me it isn't okay to do Do
that now you said that I'd haveto believe that it is okay. It's
like, most people are just notprepared to actually do the
digging to get to the bottom ofthe belief. And which is where
the transformation takes placeis in the transformation of the
belief system. Is that in thetransformation of behavior,

Josh Bolton (15:14):
right? Yeah, that's the biggest one. I've been
reading a lot of books on that.
And wow, it's amazing. All thedifferent nuances like at least
here in America, but it'sstarting to realize it's
everywhere is like saying, Oh,you need to do this, this and
this, which actually, for anadult, because we can
rationalize and compartmentalizefor a child, though, you're
imprinting? Oh, you are notallowed to have an opinion not
allowed to have emotions kind ofthing. Which is very confusing,

(15:36):
because they don't know what thehell to do, then.

cody (15:39):
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, I get I give the example of like,
when, when I was young, I thinkI was about five years old. I
remember my father came home,and he was holding a glove. It
was in England, he had a gloveand he goes, Is this yours? I
said, Yeah, it's my glove. Andhe goes, Do you know where I
found that I found it on theside of the road up the end of

(16:01):
the street. And he goes, youjust don't deserve nice things,
coat it, you just don't deservenice things. And at the age of
five, like coming from somebodythat you admire, and you believe
and you trust, when they tellyou, you don't need that you
don't deserve nice things, ifyou believe that, then that
impacts the rest of your life.
So at the age of 30, it's like,I can't, I can't hold on to

(16:23):
anything, I can get anything Iwant, but I can't keep it I can
get I can get a business, I canget a relationship, I can get
the nice car, I can get theincome, I can get it everything
that I want. But I can't keep itand I just keep going through
the cycle of getting what Iwant, and then losing it,
getting what I want and thenlosing it and I can't figure it
out. And then finally, one day,I get through this process

(16:44):
myself and you realize that thea very young age, somebody who
you trust told you, you don'tdeserve nice stuff. And you
believed that person. Sowhenever you get nice stuff that
the belief kicks in that I don'tdeserve this, and of course, you
lose it. And if you have a nicewife, you're going to lose it.
If you have a nice business,you're going to lose it, if you

(17:05):
have a nice house, you're gonnalose it. And that's just an
example of like, really gettingto the bottom of what belief
system Am I operating on what isdriving me here. And as soon as
I can get to that belief, whichis I don't deserve nice stuff.
The next question to shine lightonto it is, is that true?
Absolutely. The answer is no,it's not true.

Josh Bolton (17:27):
So I may absolutely answer the question. Yeah,

cody (17:29):
yeah, no, absolutely. It's like, once once, once I can
evaluate, I go, No, that's nottrue. I do deserve nice stuff.
It's like now I'm set free fromthe behavior, the subconscious,
self destructive cycle of getit, lose it, get it, lose it,
get it lose it. It's just thatone belief that's, that's

(17:50):
holding you back. And it can besomething as simple as like, you
know, we've had, you know,you'll never amount to anything,
you'll never be anything, whycan't you be more like your
brother? Why can't you be morelike, you know, these things
that are said to us that areseemingly quite harmless. And
they're not said with any maliceor intent, they're just things
that are said that will probablysaid to the person saying it,

(18:10):
and just one careless sentencecan impact the rest of
somebody's life unless theybecome aware of it. And if you
tell a young, very young child,you don't, you'll never be
anything. And that is now theunderlying belief. It's like,
the bad marriage is never gonnago away it go away until you
deal with that the drinking orthe bad behavior is never gonna

(18:31):
go away until you deal withthat, that the self sabotage is
never going to go away untilthat belief is uncovered and
dealt with and when it'suncovered and dealt with, then
the behavior can change, anddoes change instantaneously.

Josh Bolton (18:46):
It does, it's surprising. Like, for me, my
biggest one, I was told at areally young age, that junior
high, so like 1213 I had thiscrush on this girl, gorgeous,
long black hair, like beautifulblue eyes. And, but I was the
really shy kid. And so finally,it was one of those days, she

(19:08):
like approached me and it waslike, obviously more flattered
and nervous and shaking. And Ihad very crooked teeth. It did
look like a like a canine. It'slike a monster that would bite
you. And so she said, No womanwill ever love you. Because you
are a monster and you're goingto bite everyone's throats. From

(19:29):
the like, the moment I had ahuge crush on and for the
longest time, I could neverfigure out why I couldn't build
a lasting relationship withsomeone. And then recently, I
tried online dating and that wasa whole hot mess and of itself
but one of them actuallyrealized that wasn't trying to
be an asshole. And she said youhave a very bad belief about

(19:51):
yourself. You might want to workon that. And that's when it came
back to me I'm like, Oh, wait.
And then pretty much I had tolike NLP and restructure it and
all that

cody (20:00):
Yep, so that's exactly what we're talking about for
sure. Yeah.

Josh Bolton (20:04):
So I'm just curious for you. Let's say we're still
going on the me being analcoholic, with my marketing
firm pulling in 25 30% growthevery year? How would you
convince someone who doesn't seeanything wrong right now to
restructure to at least slightlygive you some authority in

(20:30):
talking to them?

cody (20:32):
Yeah, so to be honest, I really wouldn't attempt to talk
to somebody who didn't say thatanything was wrong. So the like,
you're not going to go intosomebody who sees nothing wrong
and telling them, Hey, there'ssomething wrong with your life,
it's like that that's nevergoing to end well, for anybody
involved. So for me, it's like,generally, generally speaking,
when when I start to getinvolved with somebody, it's
pretty close to the end. Okay,it's pretty close to the answer,

(20:56):
usually, like most people, thatthey're in denial, and they
realize they've got a problem,and they try to fix the problem
themselves. And then they goback in denial again, because
they can't, and then some,there's usually some catalyst in
their life, there's some event,it's either a health event, it's
a part of spousal leaving themevent, they lose something as a
result of their behavior. That'susually when people actually

(21:21):
start looking for help. And withall of these situations, it's
like unless, unless you really,really want to help the pain of
the pain of doing somethingabout it has to be less than the
pain of staying where you are,to actually do something because
change is difficult, just changeas painful as you know, so. But
for somebody to actually gothrough the process of change,

(21:43):
then that has to be less painfulthan staying where they are. And
that usually means that they'rein a pretty bad situation,
because the pain of the changeis going to be quite
considerable as well. Sousually, when people reach out
and ask for help, they'reusually in a pretty bad state.
At that point, they realize thatthey've got a problem. And that
problem is probably out of theircontrol.

Josh Bolton (22:02):
You get, you're getting to the point, we get all
the baggage and damaging like,Alright, let's get through this.

cody (22:07):
Yeah. And I know for myself, like, if I'd have asked
for that help earlier on, thenthen the latter part of the
journey would have been muchearlier, but we're just in this
state where, like, we go far toofar down that journey of
thinking that there's no problemat all. And then once we do
acknowledge that maybe there isa problem we get we continue far
too far down the journey ofgoing I can fix this myself.

(22:28):
When when the reality is onlyfor talking about alcohol. Yeah,
I mean, alcohol is a formidableopponent. Oh, it is. It's a
formidable opponent, it's goingto kick your butt every day of
the week. It's bigger, strongerand badder than then you are for
the most part and without thatexternal help, is probably going
to win the fight but but peopledon't realize that it's not
until they've been a few roundswith it that they realize that

(22:51):
I'm dealing with an opponenthits formidable.

Josh Bolton (22:54):
Yes, it really is.
The especially with the mymother intervening and saying
what she did, I think I wasgetting to the point I'd wake
up, because I didn't have anormal job back then I was I was
like working an hour somewhere,then I have like three hours go
to college and work an hoursomewhere else. But I'd wake up
at nine walked on liquor storebought a two Tallboys thrown

(23:19):
back on the way home, and thenand then eat breakfast. And I
just, it was one of those when Iwas walking back and I realized
I threw both the Tallboys backand nothing was happening. I'm
like, and that's about when Ilike blacked out. And that's
where my mom said something andit was like, this is a bit of a
problem.

cody (23:40):
Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
Exactly. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It'slike in what In what world? Is
that behavior? Okay, right,like, but we get we do it for a
very long time before werealize. And if we see our
behavior in somebody else, it'svery easy to recognize and get
an A that's not good behavior.
That's not right. But when we doit ourselves, if you've seen
that in anybody else, at thattime, it would have been a red

(24:01):
flag, right? But we the mind isvery good at deceiving itself
and allowing us to stay stay inthat behavior much longer than
we probably should for sure.

Josh Bolton (24:10):
So then, let's say I am now ready to change as a
client. And I have all mybaggage and stuff. What would be
the I guess the first steps youwould do to? Well, we re
establish, find the derivativeof why I'm doing that. But what
would be the next steps in thatjourney?

cody (24:29):
So the first step really, is to create the leverage. It's
like, what what is this costingyou? Because again, a lot of
times we stand the behaviorbecause we're unaware of the
cost, to say it's the same. It'sthe same with marriage. A lot of
couples get married, getdivorced, simply because they're
not aware of the reality ofdivorce, and they're not aware
of the cost and they don'tunderstand the reality of what's
actually going to happen here.
When we separate and wedivorced. They're not aware of

(24:50):
the cost. And it's the same.
It's the same with drinking. Thefirst step is to actually
establish the real cost of thebehavior. It's like let's make
it decision is that you don'tbuy a house without
understanding the cost. Youdon't buy a car without
understanding the cost. So it'slike, step number one is, here's
what drinking is going to costyou. Here's what it's going to

(25:10):
cost, you realize it's going tocost you, your wife, it's going
to go, it's going to cost you,your kids, it's going to cost
you your business, it's going tocost you your house, have you
actually sat down and countedthe cost of what drinking
actually costs, because it's notthe board dollars and 50 cents
for the Tallboy, or whatever itis, or however much it costs.
And it's like, it's not, it'snot that the cost is
significantly higher. So it'slike, let's put the costs on the

(25:33):
table. And now at least we'remaking accurate decisions, we're
making decisions with realinformation. That's that's the
first stage is is to show theperson the cost of their
behavior, this is what it'sgoing to cost you. And a lot of
times that that that will createleverage. When you when you
realize that you're going tolose your children, or you
realize that you're going toleave everything that you've
got, then that creates theleverage and the forward

(25:57):
momentum needed to take the nextstep. The next step really, is
to make to make that decisionand to burn the bridges. It's
like this is this is this iswhat I'm going to do and what
I'm going to do as possible.

Josh Bolton (26:10):
So sorry, I was thinking like you, did you?
Yeah. No, no, go ahead. Goahead. I was just gonna say so
then, let's say I acknowledgedbut I met at that unnatural
amount of consumption like fightstop cold turkey Cadet europei.
So would that be the slowlyleaning off it and the thing?

cody (26:29):
No, so I don't believe in, in weaning off and stuff like
that it's weaning off, it's justa way to continue. It's the way
to behave bad and feel good.
Okay. It's the way to feel likeyour point is the way to feel
like you're doing something whenactually you're deceiving
yourself, you're allowingyourself to remain in your
behavior. While feel feelinglike you're doing something

(26:53):
about your behavior. It's butit's black and white. Like,
obviously, I'm not a doctor. Andif you're a severe alcoholic,
obviously seek medical adviceand follow medical advice. But
generally speaking, it's like,nothing bad is gonna happen to
you with cold turkey. You're notYou're not gonna you're not
gonna die like it's going to beit's going to be unpleasant. But

(27:14):
the reality is, I mean, I talkabout soubrette, some
spontaneous sobriety is Iexperienced something
spontaneous sobriety, people arelike that. I like the idea of
spontaneous sobriety, like butall sobriety is spontaneous. And
it's like firing a gun, youfired, the gun went off where it
didn't, you don't wean yourselfoff shooting guns. It's like,

(27:34):
the gun went off, or it didn't.
It's like it's the same thingyou're drinking or you're not
you're sober or you're not. It'slike all all sobriety is
spontaneous there. There was apoint when you're, you went from
drinking to not drinking in thatmoment was a spontaneous moment.
Maybe there was a history up toit or a story after it, but
sobriety is a spontaneous thing.
And and for most people, likemost people are not at the point

(28:00):
where they're, you know, they'resitting on the street corner
with the brown paper bag, it'slike they're drinking is, it's,
it's like you say, it's like,they're functional alcoholics.
And the problem is not thatthey're going to die. If they
stopped doing it. The problemis, they're going to experience
pain. If they stopped doing it,that's, that's the problem.
You're going to experience pain.
And it's like, well, you'regonna experience pain. There's

(28:21):
no way out of this. That therethere is pain involved at this
point. So let's just do it.
Let's just do it. Let's just getthe pain out of the way, pull
the band aid off.

Josh Bolton (28:34):
Yeah, that's kind of what happened to me. So
essentially, I think it was liketwo days afterwards. I was just,
I wasn't drinking as much to sayI was throwing back like 10
beers. I was drinking like five.
But then there's, I think it wasjust sitting there. I was like,
why am I doing this kind ofthing. And I just, I had a whole
bunch of bought, and Iessentially just gave it to my
buddy and like, just just enjoylike, I can't drink anymore.

cody (28:58):
Yep, yep. And that was like me a liar. quits, I quit
smoking. And I carried a packagethat carried the last pack of
cigarettes that I bought, it wasabout 12 Cigarettes left in the
pack. And I carried a pack ofcigarettes and a lighter around
with me for a year after I quitsmoking. And the reason was, I'm
like, This is not aboutwillpower over I'm showing that

(29:20):
I'm stronger than thecigarettes. It's like, if if the
only reason I'm not smoking isbecause I have no access to it.
And I haven't quit smoking, ifthe only reason that I've quit
drinking is because I have noaccess to it. I've limited my
access to I haven't defeated it.
So I think that that it's notabout detaching yourself from
the temptation or whatever it isthat you're struggling with.
It's like it's developingmastery over it. And, again, the

(29:41):
way the way to do that really isyou give people a choice, you
reveal the cost. This is thetrue cost of your behavior. If
you continue with this behavior,this is what it's going to cost
you. So if you continue withthis behavior, you have nobody
to put yourself to blame Andyour kids want nothing to do
with you, when your wife leavesyou. When whatever happens,

(30:02):
happens, you have nothing butyourself to blame on nobody but
yourself to blame at this point,because you've made a decision,
you've now become aware of thecost. And you've decided that
I'm going to continue in thisbehavior, regardless of the
cost. So a year from now, threeyears, whenever when these
things happen, don't get mad atanybody but yourself. Because

(30:23):
it's one thing to start out,like we all get deceived into. I
mean, you can't, if we watchHollywood, the strong, powerful,
alpha male who's sexuallyattractive to women, he's got
the nice crystal glass rightwith the whiskey in it and the
ice splashing around at the barwas like, you can't turn the TV
on without seeing the message inthat. To be a strong, powerful

(30:43):
alpha male who's sexuallyattracted to women, you have to
be drinking, you can't get awayfrom that message. So and
especially if we see that atformative ages, where we're
developing a psychology, it'svery easy to fall into that trap
of, if I want to be a strong,powerful alpha male who's
sexually attractive, I need tobe drinking and then we fall
into that trap. And we startdrinking deceptively. Right. But

(31:05):
now we're showing the truth ofthe situation. It's like, you
know that, okay, you fell intothat deceptively, that's fine.
But here's the truth. Here's thereality of the situation now. So
now you have all the facts. Makea decision, right?

Josh Bolton (31:22):
Yeah. That is very true. Yeah, I would have to
agree. Like, part of the reasonI was drinking, I thought it was
like the cool guy. This andthat. And then I was in college
was a hot like, you're trying togo to college while drinking way
too much. And you had I don'tremember most of that. But

(31:43):
someone told me that they'relike, Are you drinking? Because
it makes you feel numb? Or doyou feel like drink because it
makes you feel cool. And I waslike, I think option two? If,
and she looked at me, and she'slike, you're not cool. By
drinking. You're annoying. Noone wants to deal with you.

cody (32:03):
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Exactly.
And again, looking at theunderlying belief. So if you
say, Well, I'm drinking, becauseit makes me cool. It's like,
well, it's a self worth issue,isn't it? It's like, I'm not
enough. Without the alcohol. I'mnot enough by myself. Or if I
don't have the alcohol, I'm notgoing to be accepted it. It all
comes down to get into thosecore beliefs and say, Well, if

(32:23):
you're drinking, because itmakes you call, would you need
to drink if your call anyway?
Right? Like, what what what needis this alcohol fulfilling? And
getting to that point where itgoes, actually, what if you're
drinking because you think itmakes you call and say, well,
then the belief is I'm not cool.
Or the belief is I'm not enough?
And it's like, well, let's lookat that. Let's start addressing

(32:45):
that. And if we can get to apoint where it's like I am
enough, so that we can getsorry,

Josh Bolton (32:50):
I cut you off again, then I

cody (32:52):
go, go go home. See. So

Josh Bolton (32:53):
on that note where it's like, I'm not enough. I
totally agree. And that wasactually the biggest problem for
me. I had a crippling self worthproblem, like I told you
earlier. Yeah. That was preprimed a long time ago. Yeah.
But so let's say for that, Iwouldn't listen to you.
Inherently, because I would sayno, no, no, like the all call is

(33:14):
more than enough to to be mycrutch and get me through
problems. Yeah, yeah. But I'mstill I'm still paying you. So
I'm willing to kind of listen tohow would you? I'm paying you.
So I just the psychology I'mlike, I'm there to listen,
because I'm paying them like$2,000 a month kind of thing.

cody (33:30):
Yeah. Yeah, to be honest with you wouldn't be paying me
if you if you still have thatviewpoint, right? It's like
someone. This is like, why feesare important, because the
better like when you work withsomebody, the better the better
the result, the better the fit,the better the result, and
somebody goes, I've kind of gotthis somewhat ish drinking

(33:50):
problem, and I'm happy to giveyou $500 A month or whatever, or
$200 a month or $50 an hour,whatever it is, like, there's no
indication that they're seriousabout this, that they're serious
about their problem. If someonecomes and says, like, just give
a hypothetical number out there.
So I need I need help with thisproblem. Okay, it's $50,000.
Hypothetically, right? It's$50,000. Right? And that goes,

(34:12):
Okay, I'm ready to give youfair, I'm ready to part with
$50,000. To solve this problemis a very different person, if
someone says I'll give you $50or $100, or $500, very, very
different person. And with allof these problems, just there's
a progression, right? It's likemost people, and if they're in
that state where they think theycan still solve their problems,

(34:36):
they think they can have theiralcohol and drink it or their
cake and eat. It's like I can Ican keep my alcohol and I can
solve the problems like there isno solution for you at this
point, you're going to have toto create to a point where you
realize that you don't havecontrol of the situation. The
consequences of not gainingcontrol are quite serious,
devastating. And you need asolution now and it's like at

(34:58):
that point You're ready to dowhat you need to do to find that
solution, and the fees are anindication of that someone that
says, I need to save, I need tosave my marriage and I'm willing
to do anything. Okay, well,we'll find out in a few minutes,
if that's true,

Josh Bolton (35:14):
by me, 50k, we'll see we're about to

cody (35:17):
find out. It's like, I don't charge I don't charge 50k.
It's just using that as a as ahypothetical example. But it's
like somebody that that is inthat situation. But again, it's
like, high performance man,people that build businesses and
people were very successful,it's like the generally
successful because they'recoming out for an inefficiency
somewhere else, it's like, they,you can build that business to a

(35:40):
very high level, because that'swhere you're finding yourself
worth and validation, it's like,if I build a very successful
business, then that proves thatproves that I'm worthy, and I
deserve the space that I occupyin the world. So a lot of times,
this is why I will say like,high performance people are
alcoholics, or they haveproblems with addictions and

(36:00):
distractions is because thereason they've built something
that is so high performance isbecause it's hiding. And then
deficiency a belief somewhere,or is trying to make up for lack
of self worth, they're trying tofind the self worth in the thing
that they're building. It's likeif I can build something that
that's big, and that validatesthat I am worthy. When the

(36:21):
reality is, that's like saying,the spots on my face, of course,
in measles, unit, you're nevergoing to you're never going to
find self worth in what you'redoing is like you have to find
self worth internally. And thenthat impacts what you're doing.
You'll never find the self worthfrom going I count. I've built a
big business. Now, now I'mworthy. It's like no, no, you'll

(36:42):
just have a big business andyou'll you'll still feel the
sense of inadequacy and lack ofself worth.

Josh Bolton (36:49):
So I want to touch on something you said earlier is
the lack of self worth. But inefficiencies, what is the
biggest? The two things that yousee in your, your, your
coaching? Is it just selfesteem, self worth value kind of
thing?

cody (37:03):
Yeah, it all it all comes down to the same thing. It's
like lack self love. If you wantto simplify it and take it down
to its base format, it's like anissue is lack of self love,
called root cause of allproblems

Josh Bolton (37:15):
to you. Okay, this is now just getting a little
more on the personal level, butI'm sure do you think it's
because maybe like a parent overdid something like non nefarious
evil way, but maybe was morestern? And mean when he did a
good thing? And just somehowtranslated that they didn't feel
like they were worthy love? Justyeah, look what you've observed.

(37:38):
Sorry.

cody (37:39):
Yeah. So it could be any any one of a number of things.
So it could be it could be aparent, like, it could be a
loving act that that's gonewrong. So some, like, for
example, like, I remember myfather making me polish my shoes
over and over and over and overand over again. And just getting
to the point where it's like,there's no way to make these
shoes good enough for him.
There's no way to make the shoeshine in five minutes. Like, in

(38:01):
his mind, he's going. This isimportant because shoes are
important. And if you have cleanshoes and shiny shoes, that's
going to give you betterstanding out in the world. If
you go to a job interview, andyou've got clean shiny shoes,
you're going to you're going todo you're going to fare better
than if you don't. And I wouldsay like the two things from and
that are important are a watchand shoes, I look at people's

(38:21):
shoes, and I look at people'swatches. I'm like, if you've got
a nice watch, and you've got anice pair of shoes, then the
rest of your life is probablyall right. I don't know if
that's true or not. But that'skind of coming from that belief
that My Father has put in me,right. So if you get to the
point where it's like I can't, Ican never get I can never
achieve approval, I can neverfind that approval. Like it

(38:44):
doesn't matter how good I cleanthe shoes, I'm never going to
find approval that thattranslates into every aspect of
life. It doesn't matter how bigI build the business, I'm never
going to find approval doesn'tmatter how successful I am, I'm
never going to find approval, itdoesn't matter how big I build
something, I'm never going tofind approval, it doesn't. It's
never going to come. So it's itcan come from that a pair of

(39:06):
meaning? Well, it can come froma parent not meaning well, as
long as as long as it's amanipulation as a society as a
whole. It benefits the rulingelite, it benefits the people in
society that we feel inadequate,and we pursue materialism to
fill that hole. It's like if Iif I feel that I'm not worthy,

(39:26):
unless I have the latest andgreatest, it's going to keep me
consuming. So there's certainlya concerted push from the powers
that be at every level ofsociety, from from Hollywood to
the school system to every everyaspect of life, to make us feel
inadequate to feel thatinadequacy through consumption.

(39:46):
There's no question about that.
So where this sense of selfworth is coming from, or lack of
self worth is coming from, youknow, there's umpteen dozen
different places it can comefrom. That there's no one place,
but it is ultimately it's thecause of all of your woes when
once you once I go, I don't needyour approval Joshi, you no

(40:10):
longer have the ability tomanipulate me, you can withdraw
your approval from me and Istill feel hold, I still feel
I'm still fine, then the abilityto manipulate me is gone.
Whereas if, if I crave and needyour approval or somebody's
approval or society's approvalin order to feel whole, then

(40:32):
they have 100% ability than tomanipulate me because they can
remove that approval and theycan manipulate my behavior to
continue to get that approval,if that makes sense.

Josh Bolton (40:44):
Absolutely. That's a big one. I've just recently
come across it back to that likeonline dating thing. I felt like
I always had to have someone.
Also my martial arts instructorwas like the you have to have a
woman to be successful in lifeof a blonde like, No, you don't.
Like subconsciously, maybe I dokind of thing.

cody (41:05):
And, yeah.

Josh Bolton (41:07):
And finally, that's where I just told myself, I'm
like, no, like, you have to tellmy subconscious, like, it's
going to be just trash right nowyou're trying to build a lot, we
introduce a woman, she's theright one, you might push her
away, because you're so damnfocused on this stuff.

cody (41:22):
Kind of they will be putting you putting a nail you
putting a requirement on herthat is to you given her burden
is too heavy to carry.

Josh Bolton (41:29):
Right. So I am right now or the way I'm
rephrasing it or

cody (41:33):
that the with the attitude previously, when it's like I
need a woman to feel whole or Ineed a woman to feel like I'm
adequate. It's like placing yourneed for adequacy on her
shoulders is a burden is tooheavy for a woman to carry.
Right? Well, a woman's job isnot to validate you. That's not
That's not like when you whenyou go into a relationship and

(41:54):
the purpose for the relationshipis it's a parasitic
relationship, right, you'regoing into the relationship
looking to take validation fromthe relationship fundamentally,
is what you're looking to do.
And it's not, that's not thenatural order of a relationship,
to go into a relationship totake that validation from the
other person or to findvalidation from the other
person, if you're off to thewrong site. It's like a

(42:15):
relationship with somewhere yougo to give, it's not somewhere
you go to take. And this is whya lot of relationships fall on
stony ground is because theperson goes into the
relationship looking to take,I'm looking to take happiness
from this relationship, I'mlooking to take self worth from
this relationship, I'm lookingto take validation from this
relationship. And that's, that'sa weight that's too heavy for
the other person to carry. Andeventually, they're gonna get

(42:37):
tired of carrying it, andthey're gonna leave. If you go,
once you have that self worth,once you have that self love,
it's like you can then go intothe relationship and give it if
you if you go into arelationship with the objective
of giving, validation, givingthat sense of love, given that
sense of self worth giving itnot taking it, that that's an
entirely different scenario thangoing into a relationship going,

(43:02):
I need to get this sense of selfworth out of this relationship.
Like that those relationshipsmay they may work, they may stay
together, but it's like, you'renot going to be happy, or the
other person is not going to behappy. It's only it's only when
you actually have that sense ofself love and self worth and
self respect that you can gointo a relationship and have a
happy, healthy, productiverelationship.

Josh Bolton (43:25):
Man that you put it so well, I I'm just reminiscing
on what you were saying earlier.
Like no one actually wants tohear the truth. It hurts too
much. And that was the biggestone. I kept telling my
instructor I'm like, Are yousure this is a loving
relationship? And you're nottrying to fill a void and
putting all that burden on her?
Yeah, he's like, no, no, no, welove each other. And they do.

(43:47):
Because they bicker like crazy.
Yeah. And I was like, that's notnatural. He's like, Oh, it's
totally normal. My parents didit. Her parents didn't. I'm
like, It's not natural, though.
That's just, it's not natural.
He's like, Well, you're notmarried, you don't know. And I'm
like, I've watched enough marrypeople. I know what's good and
what's not?

cody (44:06):
Well, the reality is, most people approach the typical
relationship. The typicalrelationship is to starving
people coming together saidLet's share our food. That's the
foundation for mostrelationships. It's to starving
people coming together sayinglet's share our food. And the
bigger incomes because you thinkyou're going into that
relationship. You know, thefoundation is Let's share our

(44:26):
food when you realize that otherperson has no food. And not only
that, they're eating the littlefood that you've got left.
That's why the baker in comesabout now you've got two people
that thought they were going toget something out of the
relationship. But all that'shappening is that there's Ted
they're having stuff taken fromthem and that's where the baker
in comes from. When when I havesuch an abundance. It doesn't

(44:48):
you can you can eat all youwant. It's like you know, it's
like when you can go to into arelationship with jobs and
justice. Like Josh has the allthe eight or you can eat
selfesteem buffet. It's like youYou can take as much as you
want, you can eat as much selfesteem as you want, you can eat
as much love as you want, youcan eat as much validation and
self worth as you want. And it'sstill endless, they're still

(45:09):
bringing out more. It's thatthat's when the relation there's
no need to Becker in thatsituation, the bigger incomes
from when I've got a very smallamount of food, metaphorically
speaking, and you're eating it.
It's like, what are you doing?
You're eating my food? Well, Ithought that was the deal,
right? We've come together toshare each other's food, you're
eating my food, it's like this.
This is where the bickeringcomes from are at a very

(45:30):
simplistic level, right. Butthat's where it's coming from.

Josh Bolton (45:34):
I like that analogy. That's a good one. I'm
gonna definitely take that.
Because that is so true. Likewhen one of my friends, he was
like, consulting me aboutrelationship issues. And he
said, I'm like, you're asking aguy who chronically can never
hold a girl longer than a month,how to run a relationship. And
he's like, he's somehow justlike, Joe tie. Well, you've

(45:56):
probably the best then. Becausehe was like, okay, but that was
what I kind of told him the samething. I'm like, well, you're
abundant in energy, and she's avampire, draining you,
eventually, the ratio, she'sgonna drain you too much. And
then you're gonna wonder whatthe hell happened when she
leaves, because she has nothingto take from you.

cody (46:17):
Exactly. Like, I work with a lot of marriage, like
marriage, marriage issues,really, as my main thing like
that, that's really my mainthing. And a lot of times the
woman is simply exhausted, won'tsimply exhausted. And you know,
I had a conversation with a guyyesterday, a client, and he's
like, my wife is saying thatshe's just not interested in
continuing, she's just notinterested. And I'm like, well,

(46:41):
she's exhausted, like, she can'tcontinue. It's like, it's not
like I want it, there comes apoint when you're absolutely
completely, utterly exhausted.
And you just can't continue.
It's not that she doesn't wantto continue that there comes a
point when the vampire sucks somuch blood out of the other
person, they're just like, Ican't, I can't do this anymore.
It's not that I don't want to dothis anymore. Or I want to quit

(47:02):
on this relationship, it's like,there comes a point when the
exhaustion kicks in. And theyhave to start because they're
simply exhausted. And this iswhere if you don't have that
sense of self love, self worthvalidation, if you're taking it
and taking it and taking it andtaking it and taking it, there
comes a point where it's like,the bank accounts empty, I can't

(47:22):
give you any more money. Andit's like, you know, people that
my wife saying that she justdoesn't want to work on this
anymore. It's like the bankaccounts empty, there comes a
point when she can't give whatshe doesn't have, right?
relationships don'trelationships, the way
relationships die as they starveto death. Very rarely does a
relationship end from a gunshotwound. It's not like there's no
it's not sudden death syndromein relationships. Relationships

(47:45):
just don't suddenly,spontaneously, and it's like
relationships die of starvation,they starve to death. And it's
like, when a woman is saying, oryour partner said, I don't want
to do this anymore. I'm notinterested. It's like they're
saying, I'm exhausted. I'mabsolutely utterly exhausted. I
can't I can't continue with thisanymore.

Josh Bolton (48:04):
So I'm just curious. So then, let's say I'm
that client from yesterday? Whatwould be some of them? The
advice now that I realized mypartner or my significant other
is completely drained. And Ididn't mean to you? What would
be similar steps, then you wouldhelp me out with that?

cody (48:22):
It's every every question, every action that you engage in
with that person, you've got tofirst ask the question, Is this
for me or for them?

Unknown (48:30):
Is this for me? Or for this thing? Okay.

cody (48:33):
Am I given or am I taken?
So like an example here, therewas a separation. And he said,
she asked for space. So I gaveher the space I moved out, yet
nothing has happened. What didyou move out for your benefit?
Or for her benefit? Did you moveout because she said I needed
the space? And you thought,well, if I move out, that'll
give her the space? And thenshe'll let me move back in? Is
that was that the trueunderlying motivation? Because

(48:54):
if that's the case, then you didthat for yourself, not for her?
Or did you move out because youcan see that she's struggling?
And regardless of what this doesfor you, in terms of the status
of the relationship, you didthis, because you can see that
this is what she needs, and thisis in her best interest. Why?
Why did you do the things thatyou do? Was it for you? Or was

(49:14):
it for her? And a lot of timesyou say, Well, I'm doing it for
the other person, but thereality is, no, you're doing
this for yourself. And if you'redoing it for yourself, you're
taking Stop, stop for a secondand say, okay, my wife asked me
to move out, I'm going to moveout. I'm going to give it a
space. Okay, well, why? Why areyou doing that? Is this for you
or for her? Now, well, this thisultimately, if we actually

(49:37):
brutally honest with ourselves,this is for me, because I think
if I do this, this is going toget me what I want. This is
going to get me back in thehouse. This is going to get me
back in the relationship. So ifyou could, if you didn't have to
move out to get what you want,would you still move out? Of
course not. So the antidote isalways asking the question. Is
this for me or is this for thatthe other person Is this

(49:59):
benefiting me? Or is thisbenefiting the other person? And
if the answer is it benefits me,I'm doing this because it
benefits me Don't do it. Becausethat's you're taking you're
taking from the relationshipagain.

Josh Bolton (50:13):
Interesting. So then let's say I've gotten to
that point, and I'm working onthat. Would it be the, like, I
buy her favorite candy or softblanket to like, slowly ease and
show that this is, I care aboutyou? This is the only way I can
think of to show you this.

cody (50:32):
Yeah, well, what's, what's the motivation? Why are you
buying the blanket? Is itbecause it's gonna get you what
you want ultimately? Or is thatbecause this is what she needs?
What's the motivation would

Josh Bolton (50:41):
be kind of both because you'd be like those
really soft Sherpa blankets.
I've come to realize women wantthose in need those settings. So
I guess it'd be a hybrid ofboth, but I guess it'd be more
51% for her 48 for me.

cody (50:58):
Yeah. So if it's for her benefit, and it's not, you
expect nothing out of it. It'slike if she gets under that
Sherpa blanket, and you kind ofsneak under it, whether and she
pushes you off and goes I justit's like you're gonna go over
that wasn't the plan. It's like,is the giving without any
expectation of return? That'sanother question. If the giving

(51:18):
is without any expectation ofreturn, then then absolutely.
100%. Go ahead and do it forsure. But if there's any
expectation of the of return,then the gift becomes a burden,
right, then the gift becomespart of the vampire behavior. So
a lot of like, usually, if wereceive something from somebody,
it brings about an obligation.
Yeah, it brings it brings aboutan obligation. So if you and I

(51:42):
were together, if I was in LosAngeles, and I took you I said,
Hey, I want to take you out fordinner. So you're probably if I
pay for dinner, you're probablygoing to pay for dessert, right?
You're going to get dessert, oryou're going to bite Hugo and
let me get the coffeeafterwards. So it might be like,
well, let's go get a coffeesomewhere after after dinner.
And so, if I've paid for dinner,you're going to want to pay for
the coffee afterwards. Becausethat's just the way the human

(52:03):
mind works. Right? It's likeone. If the reciprocation
principle when when somethinggood is done, then that there's
a need for that to bereciprocated, usually. And quite
often, it's very difficult forus to rest until that
reciprocation takes place. If ifwe do something for somebody,
then they feel a need toreciprocate back usually. So a
gift can quite often be a burdento somebody because it create

(52:26):
creates an obligation ofreciprocation as well.

Josh Bolton (52:32):
That's interesting.
You know, I was trying to pondermy boss. It's funny, he came in
from migraine. So I'm like, I'mjust be walking away and my
stuff place where I'm working.
And he's like, Oh, he has aheadache. I mean, it's not the
best thing in the world. Butcaffeine kind of helps have a
headache. So I'm going by themhis favorite monster, and they
were all freaking out andyelling at me, like, full bought
this. Why are they just andblah, blah, blah. Like, I heard

(52:54):
he had a headache. I mean, it'snot the best medicine. But
here's some caffeine. Yeah. Andthen they all just like, look
guilty. I was like, I just takeit kind of thing. I already pay

cody (53:06):
for it. Yeah, that's good.
But yeah,

Josh Bolton (53:10):
I was like pondering that when I was coming
home from work. I'm like, whywere they yelling at me? Now
that you said, my Oh, theyproduce too many times. They're
like, No, no, we don't want it.

cody (53:20):
Yeah, it gives quite often raised about the need for
reciprocation. So it's like, ifyou're giving it without any
expectation of reciprocation,then that's a good thing. If
there's any expectation ofreciprocation, or perceived
reciprocation, then then you'rejust taking basically, again,

(53:40):
you're taking you're taking fromthat person, you're putting an
obligation on them that theydidn't ask for, and probably
don't want to be honest withyou.

Josh Bolton (53:48):
And then now that you said, that doesn't really
work, you know, and I'm like,Oh, that explains why they
yelled me. They didn't mean toyou they've been used too many
times. Yeah, yeah. So then let'sjust say the biggest one that
I've learned and I'm I'm sureyou know this from your
coaching. What if maybe likegiving gifts to your your
significant other woman is notwhat her preferred LoveLing

(54:10):
which is how does how would I goto find out what her preferred
approach of showing affectionwould be affection would be
Oscar. Really?

cody (54:23):
Radical what? Women like we don't like there's no mystery
here. It's like, women tell uswhat they want. Yeah, and we
tell women what we want as well.
It's like, we just don't listento each other. So like I tell my
language like the basis for therelationship is concrete
language. Abstraction is theenemy concrete language is our

(54:46):
friend. Say what you mean andmean what you say? It's like, if
don't Don't tell me you. Youwant you don't care if I choose
the restaurant if you do care ifI choose it, don't don't tell me
like, tell me what You want tojust tell me what you want.
That's the easiest thing in theworld. So love languages, like
I'm sure that they're great andstuff like that. But really,
it's like, that's going to befor the earliest stage of the

(55:09):
relationship. It's not if you'rein a latter stage of the
relationship where therelationship is in real trouble
bringing your partner in bed isnot breakfast in bed is not
going to solve anything. Givingyour partner a back rub is not
going to solve anything. It'slike that this is it's way too
little way too late. At thatpoint, it's like if your wife is
looking at you, like you'resaying, bringing her breakfast
is not going to solve theproblem.

Josh Bolton (55:34):
Oh, man, that was brutal. I'll just thinking about
that old man. Yeah, yeah, atthat point, it would just be
like, Okay, what can I do? Whatcan I do to start preparing
this? I know it will take time.
But what can what can I do rightnow to start? I guess, that's to
tackle this. So what would be abetter way for me to phrase it
from your perspective?

cody (55:54):
Sorry, to rephrase what

Josh Bolton (55:56):
the what can I do right now to start changing
things? without seeming blunt?

cody (56:02):
Yeah, right. Yep. So how can you start to turn the like,
if the relationship is in thelatter stages, it's in trouble.
How do you turn it around? Isthat Is that question working?
Things you can do. To change theway you see your partner, to
change the way you see yourpartner. So like, again, I had a
session yesterday with a client.
And the question was, if, if youin your head the conversation

(56:23):
that you have with your wife andyour head, if I spoke to you,
the way that you speak to yourwife in your head, could we have
a relationship? Would youtolerate it? And he goes, No, I
would not allow you to speak tome the way that I have the
conversation with my wife in myhead with self talk. It's like
when you're driving, when you'redriving down the road in the
car, and you have an argue isnot even in the car, and you're

(56:43):
having a fight with her in yourhead. It's like the things that
you're saying to us. Like, ifyou think that she doesn't hear
that you think that the otherperson doesn't know what you're
saying in your head. Becauseit's self talk, it's quiet, but
it changes how you feel abouther and that that comes across
in how you act towards herwhether you're harsh or whether
you're soft, whether all ofthese things it's like, if you

(57:06):
want to change the relationship,change how you see the person
you're looking at. And it's likethe gentleman I was talking to
yesterday, it's like, in thefirst year or two years, the
honeymoon phase of therelationship, the way that you
the way that you saw your wifein your head, start seeing it
that way again, start seeing thewoman start talking in yourself

(57:27):
talk in the in the imaginaryconversations that you're having
in your head with your wife,start talking to her in those
conversations the same way thatyou did in the first year or two
of the relationship. Stoptalking to her in your head the
way that you're talking to hernow because it's negative, it's
destructive. What language areyou using to describe your life?
It's negative, it's destructive.

(57:50):
Start start using positivelanguage in yourself talk start
using positive images see thewoman or the partner that you
want to see not the person thatyour eyes are telling you are in
front of you. That that is howyou change the relationship you
change how you see the personthat's in front of you. That's
powerful.

Josh Bolton (58:10):
I'm like I'm just sitting here trying to process
them right that's that's truelike when you first married you
love each other the honeymoon.
She's your princess yourgoddess, like whatever you want
to input. But then after time,the memory not in a bad way
fades a little and you'reforgetting like Wait, was it
this or this? Oh, she's beingmean she's a bitch now kind of

(58:30):
thing.

cody (58:33):
Exactly. It's like you know, I'll talk to people and
they go oh, my wife's anarcissist. My wife's there's my
wife that my wife's a bitch mywife selfish and it's like,
well, maybe she is I don't know,maybe she is but is you telling
is telling yourself over andover again that your wife's a
narcissist that she's a bit asyourself? Is that Is that
helpful or harmful? Does thathelp it? Is that helping the

(58:55):
situation? Or is that hurtingthe situation? It's like,
doesn't matter what she is it'slike you can't change her you
can't like the goal is not tochange her The goal is not to
work on her I'm like there'sthere's actions that you're
taking that a half or this tothis relationship right now that
you can stop that you can changeand you're not doing it. So why
are you why are you holding herresponsible for for this part of

(59:17):
the relationship when it'swithin your power? To stop doing
things and to change things thatare destructive and harmful yet
you're not doing it? Right it'slike it's like stop using like
if if you tell yourself in yourhead that your wife said NASA
says 500 times a day when youhave a cashier's check

(59:38):
congratulations she is rightthat the first I mean how much
but narcissistic behavior doesshe have to demonstrate before
you conclude that you were rightthis much right this much? If I
if the word narcissist has neverentered my mind, how much
narcissistic behavior does mywife have to demonstrate before
I conclude she's a narcissistyou know this much?

Josh Bolton (59:58):
Yeah, good Alicia sent that kind of thing, huge

cody (01:00:01):
amount before I go, okay, something's wrong here. So, my
wife's analysis My wife's anarcissist, my wife and I says
my wife and I says it's theconversation starts out from
her. I, I knew it there you go.
I've a new urinalysis, you ohyou can do is talk about
yourself. It's like all I saidwas I was get ready to say, I am
going to the shop to buy somedinner. What do you want? So
you, yourself fulfill theprophecy, you've prophesied that

(01:00:23):
your wife is a narcissist, andnow you will fulfill that
prophecy. So if you want thesituation to change, you have to
change how you see thesituation. That's how you change
it. You don't you don't work onthe situation, you work on how
you see the situation. Youchange your perspective. That
can be hard,

Josh Bolton (01:00:44):
though, that can be really hard if you that's
especially entrenched from like,childhood. You

cody (01:00:51):
know, I said it was easy.
That's true. No, nowhere,nowhere on in the warranty label
of life does it say this isgoing to be evil. It's like
easy. This is what I say whenpeople go it's hard. And I'm
like, well show me in theguarantee where it says it's
easy. Show it show me where thepromise that life. Show me the
promise that life is easy. Likenowhere does it say it's easy.
It's like Yes, correct. It'sjust hard. But you get here's

(01:01:12):
the other thing, you have tolive it regardless. You have to
live life regardless. So it'slike you can do the work and
master it or you can just gothis is hard and live a very
average existence at best.

Josh Bolton (01:01:26):
Yeah, I was gonna say there's the one motivational
speaker I don't remember offhandwho it was. But he said, If you
want your life to be easy, youmust do what is hard. In what
your life hot. And then he'slike, if you want your life to
be easy, no, you want your lifeto be hard. Do what is easy.
What

cody (01:01:42):
is easy. That's exactly I mean, Jim Ryan was one of my
favorite speakers. And he'd say,if you can't do it, that's why
you must. If you can't, it meansyou must. And it's exactly it's
exactly right. Everything youwant right now, whether it's in
business, whether it's in yourrelationship, whether it's in
your health, it doesn't matter,you name it, it's like tell me
what you want. If you don't haveit, the reason you don't have it

(01:02:04):
is because it exists on theother side of comfortable it
exists on the other side ofeasy. You we've done you know
people go I've done everything.
I've done everything to quitdrinking now you haven't done
everything's comfortable to quitdrinking. I've done everything
to save my marriage. Now youhaven't you done everything
you're comfortable with. I'vedone everything to grow my
business now you haven't. You'vedone everything you're
comfortable doing. Everythingyou want exists on the other
side of comfortable right now.

(01:02:27):
And most people they want theircake and eat it. They want what
they want, but they don't wantto deal with uncomfortable or
they don't want to deal withdifficult so that again, that's
like, better the fit the betterthe results, right this is this
is one of the things that I'mlooking for. It's like, are you
willing to push throughuncomfortable? Are you willing
to go through difficult? Are youwilling to do the hard yards? Or
do you just want a quick fix?
Because if you just want a quickfix, then you're not ready?

(01:02:50):
Absolutely.

Josh Bolton (01:02:54):
So I'm writing down. Anything you want to say
to comfortable?

cody (01:02:59):
Exactly. Good

Josh Bolton (01:03:00):
one. Another one I if one of my guests said it, but
I've also heard it before onlike on YouTube. I think it was
that Dan Pina, the the trainer Itycoon guy. Yeah, yeah, that
will take you it was would yourather have life be a slight or
a bitch? And then whoeverreplies like, oh, I want to
slip. And he's like, Well, theslug will just sleep with

(01:03:20):
whoever she want he or she wantsand not care about you. The
bitch will help you be meanabout it. He's like, I'd rather
life be a bitch than a sled.

cody (01:03:29):
Exactly. I just

Josh Bolton (01:03:31):
heard I just sit there. And I'm sitting there
going like, and that he hit moredeeper levels if he intended to
on, like the meaning of stuff.
So that was just one of those Iwant to throw in there. I don't
want to keep you up too late. Isthere anything in particular
that I might have missed thatyou want to go over?

cody (01:03:49):
No, I think I think it's we've had a bunch of stuff here
hopefully throw some stuff outthere that can help people get
unstuck a little bit. Ifthey're, if they're stuck in
their life in some way oranother.

Josh Bolton (01:04:00):
Definitely give this guy a call. Where can
everyone contact you at?

cody (01:04:06):
So my main website is better marriage.com.au. Okay,
that's kind of, you'll be ableto find me that I'm not
difficult to find. I'm notincognito, like the usual
suspects, Facebook, LinkedIn,those social media platforms. If
you type in Cody Butler, thenpretty much you're going to find

(01:04:26):
me I'm not I'm not in hiding oranything like that. I'm not
undercover.

Josh Bolton (01:04:31):
Excellent. It's been an absolute honor and a
pleasure to chat with you.

cody (01:04:35):
Thank you. Thanks for having me, Josh. I appreciate
it. I appreciate you

Unknown (01:04:38):
too.