#282 Ryan Moresby - Why Most Men NEVER Reach Their Goals (Fix This Now!) - Kickoff Sessions

Episode Transcript
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Ryan (00:00):
Most men are in business and operating in business from
the consciousness and theenergetic capacity of a little
boy.
Because when it comes to trauma, I'd invested hundreds of
thousands of dollars on myselffor my journey, all of it
Intellectually understood trauma, I understood healing, I
understood personal growth,personal development.
But beneath all of that wasstill this little boy.

(00:21):
He was yearning for somethingoutside of him to feel good.

Darren (00:25):
He was yearning for a relationship to soothe him and
regulate him and support himemotionally Every man reaches a
point where a strategy isn't theanswer, where no amount of
success can fix what's brokeninside.
In this episode, I sit downwith Ryan Moresby-White, a high
performance coach, helping menheal, evolve and lead from a
deeper place.
We talk about healing the boyso the man can rise, the

(00:47):
internal work that creates realpeace, not just more achievement
, and why the next level of yourlife won't come from doing more
but from becoming more.
If you've been carrying silentweight for too long, this
podcast is for you.
I think there's like a veryclear line between when an
entrepreneur starts, when hegrows and when he scales, and
it's usually not the businessmodel, it's not the products,

(01:10):
it's not the leads they need.
Usually it's themselves.
How have you found limitingbeliefs, internal beliefs,
holding high achievers andentrepreneurs back?

Ryan (01:21):
Yeah, look, I'm not a business coach and I also have
coached some highly financiallysuccessful men, and typically
they come to me when they'restarting to recognize this sense
of disconnection fromthemselves.
And every time, time and timeagain, even especially through

(01:41):
my own journey and the path thatI've been on to creating the
success that I've created so farhas come back to my own
internal dialogue and myself-image, like how I see
myself, my identity.
So, with that, beneath all ofthat is the limiting beliefs

(02:02):
that men hold about themselvesas to what they believe is
possible, truly possible, whatthey can create, but for the
most part, possible of what theyactually believe they're
inherently worthy of.
And that's been the biggestdisconnect I've experienced in
men and myself especially.
And the more I focused on me,coming back to those parts of

(02:28):
myself that felt disconnectedfrom the abundant nature of who
we are, like one in 400 trillionchance of us being born, like
the fact that we're here alivetoday.
You look at a child like theyask for their needs.
They ask for what they want,they dream big, they go after
what they want.
They'll fight for what theywant yeah, because they know

(02:50):
deep down in their core they'reinherently worthy of it and at
some stage we disconnect fromthat and it's coming back to
that original nature of knowingthat who we are, inherently at
our core, is worthy ofeverything that we want and more
.

Darren (03:04):
Do you think that everyone is inherently abundant?
But then they become scarce,scarce resources, scarcity, true
time and then they have torework that, because people
would look at an entrepreneurand think, oh, they're the ones
that are most needing of things.

Ryan (03:20):
Yeah, I would say a lot of entrepreneurs, including
myself, have been the ones whohave been most wounded and
they've needed to fight theirway through life, or it's
typically our core wounds is howwe then show up in the world.
Like you look at some of themost successful people in, like,

(03:42):
the YouTube space, or, you know, have the most followers on
Instagram or whatever.
I'm sure at some point therewas a core wound of them wanting
to be seen right, and they'veturned that core wound into
purpose, right.
Or the core wound of, you know,not feeling good enough to then
creating a level of success,you know, financially, to
finally feel good enough.

Darren (04:03):
Yeah, but is that core wound across everyone?
That's the thing, right, isthat?
Do we just look at the outliersof success of the guys who've
gone and done it and maybesolved their own internal
problems, or does everyone havethis, but the guy that works in
Tesco?
He does not have his woundsbeing held or being solved right
and he's like is this somethingthat's inherent?

(04:24):
Just want to take one quickbreak to ask you one question
have you been enjoying theseepisodes?
Because, if you have, I'dreally appreciate if you
subscribe to the channel so thatmore people can see these
episodes and be influenced tobuild an online business this
year.

Ryan (04:39):
thank you yeah, look, we're supposed to be wounded in
childhood, and reason being isbecause that initiates us onto
the journey of becoming whoeverit is that we need to be in
order to be the person who'sgoing to actually uh, to come
back to being that person thatthey were actually placed on

(05:00):
this earth to be.
Yeah Right, so overcoming thosecore wounds is actually going to
shape you into the person thatyou were placed on this earth to
be, and so overcoming thosecore wounds is actually going to
shape you into the person thatyou were placed on this earth to
be.
And coming back to yourquestion there, I believe it's
the power of environment.
Right, when you're around theright people, around the right
environment, have the rightinformation, the right resources
, the right tools, those are thepeople who actually lean in and
go on their hero's journey andturn that pain into their

(05:23):
purpose.
But so many people, so many men, just live life just day by day
and they don't truly actualizetheir potential, they don't
truly discover what it is thatthey could actually create in
this world If they really facethemselves.
Why is that?

Darren (05:41):
Cause it's painful and why.
How do they soothe?
How do they work?
How did do they suit that woundexternally?
What is it to do?
Is it drink drugs?
Because I have a background inthat and we can talk about that
in detail too right, even my ownperspective on it, yeah, but
would you look at those thingsas the surface level bandits

(06:02):
that people are utilizing versuschanging environment, going to
bali and moving here, restarting, regoing, looking at your life
like, how deep does that go?

Ryan (06:14):
the theme here of what I feel that we're speaking into is
men wanting to create a levelof success and not having the
self-image, the self-belief andthe willpower within themselves
to actually go out there andcreate that.
Now, this is really the journeyfrom boy to man to leader in

(06:39):
business.
Business is one of the mostspiritual journeys that you will
ever go on, because in orderfor you to actually face your
potential and become the manthat's going to create that
level of success or that levelof impact in the world, it takes
you to fucking face yourself,and the more depth a man is
willing to uncover and the morea man's willing to face himself

(07:03):
in his depth, that's where he'sgoing to come face to face with
his potential.
Now, as I shared, like the boyto man to leader, most men, most
people I'm speaking of menspecifically most men are in
business and operating inbusiness from the consciousness
and the energetic capacity of alittle boy in business.

(07:25):
From the consciousness and theenergetic capacity of a little
boy, because when it comes totrauma, until we resolve that
unresolved energy in the body,it stays stuck and frozen in the
body.
That's what energy is, that'swhat trauma is when we didn't
have the safety for that emotionto be felt, to be processed, or
we didn't have the tools andthe resources in our environment

(07:46):
to process whatever it was thatwe're feeling, or if we didn't
have our core emotional needsmet, we become stuck and frozen
in that state of consciousness.
We don't progress past that.
Reason being is because we'retaken out of our childhood.
And when we're taken out of ourchildhood we don't gain the
strengths we were supposed togain by just being a fucking
child what would you determineas trauma, like, what is the the

(08:10):
line there?

Darren (08:11):
or even if there is a line like when is a trauma
versus what's the line?
Let's walk through that kind ofphilosophy because I think, I
would think, that a lot of guysstruggle with identifying that
something in their childhood istraumatic, speaking from someone
, as I mentioned to you before,who's gone through extremely
traumatic things that Ipretended to myself was not true

(08:35):
Physical abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, psychological
warfare all these things that Ihad gone through as a child,
that I had just presumed wasnormal, until I had left ireland
, gone through the process, gonethrough I gave up alcohol, I
gave up drugs, I went throughall that process and then I had

(08:56):
it got hit in the face, beinglike, hey, seven year old, 13
year old, 15 year old, that isnot okay.
And then for me, then there'sthis clash which is was that
trauma or was it not?
Am I should say, should I saythat?
Should I not say that?

Ryan (09:15):
one of the biggest issues when it comes to trauma,
especially developmental traumathat happens over a period of
time in childhood, is we don'tknow the difference between
emotional abuse and love.
That's the problem, because wedon't have any other reference
of what love actually is or safelove actually is.

(09:36):
We only know because of whatwe've received.
We only know emotional abuseand we think that that is normal
.
We think that's what loveactually is, until we realize
it's not.

Darren (09:50):
Can you explain?

Ryan (09:50):
that.
So let's say, and there's twokinds of trauma there's big T
trauma, which is a very specificevent that happened, like a
death, or maybe you witnessedsomeone die or maybe you were
and not in a natural disaster,something like that, where it's
a big event that happens, ofcapital t trauma.

(10:11):
Then we have the lowercase ttrauma, which which is this
subtle trauma that happens overtime and sometimes that can be
worse because you can't put yourfinger on it.

Darren (10:23):
Well, this is the thing, is the fact that I have a lot
of very successful friends, yeah, uh, and friends network,
whatever I want to say and Iknow guys from america, because
america has a lot of stuff inextremities.
It's just extreme, right thatyou know they grew up with like,
uh, let's say, a fodder thatbeat them silly, all this kind
of stuff.
That's very obvious.
You know, seven $7 a month,like very, very extreme cases.

(10:47):
So then, when you take thatinto a setting, let's say in a
more developed country, aneurodeveloped country, people
can't say that they had thatlevel of severity.
So therefore, it's nottraumatic, right, it's the small
, subtle things.
It's like not being tended to,it's the passive, aggressive
comments, it's all these littlethings, which is literally what

(11:08):
happened to me, by the way.
It's like these compoundedthings, but you know, x person
helps you out in this way, sothey were good to you know, and
that's the problem that I've had, you know personally, which is
you have a I learned this fromhermosy and I'd like to hear
your thoughts on this which is,the positives and negatives of

(11:29):
someone is not mutually, ismutually exclusive, is mutually
exclusive.
Someone can do something nicefor you.
They can bring you to footballpractice, they can take you to
the library, and it stacks overhere.
But then they can do a bunch ofbad shit to you over here and
that stacks here too.
These are mutually exclusiveand that person still does all
the bad things.
So it's why one of the reasonswhy people get back into a bad

(11:51):
relationship with an ex becausethey're like, oh like, she was
so nice to me, she was so good,she used to bring me coffee in
the morning, but she was alsolike X, y, z, and people only
remember the good parts and theydon't remember the bad parts.
And then you get back in arelationship.
You're like Jesus Christ sothat's a hormosy phrase to me

(12:11):
around like parents and familyand broader family, which is
like, yeah, they did good things, but they also have a mountain
of bad things that they hit youin the head with.

Ryan (12:21):
No one escaped childhood without a few cuts.
We all got wounded in some wayand exactly what you shared
there, that is exactly what Iwas speaking about.
Where it's we don't know anydifferent.
We don't know the differencebetween emotional abuse and real
love because we don't have anyother representation of what

(12:41):
that is, until we're faced withthat and we go, oh wow, like
that actually wasn't okay, thatactually wasn't healthy, and
like I shared that small Ttrauma is this subtle trauma
that happens over time.
But basically what trauma is isan event or an experience where
it's too much, too fast, toosoon for our nervous system to

(13:02):
process or to complete theemotion that's seeking to be
felt, and it's an overwhelmingexperience for our nervous
system to process or to completethe emotion that's seeking to
be felt, and it's anoverwhelming experience for the
nervous system.
So we go into shutdown, we gointo fight or we go into flight
and we stay stuck and frozen inthat.
We're stuck in a state ofsurvival from there onwards.

Darren (13:19):
In terms of stuck in the state of survival.
In what way Does that mean?
You mean like for decades, foryears?

Ryan (13:27):
so in that moment and I'll share my journey, mike's
story and how this has playedout for me was imagine for a
moment this little boy that justhad so much passion, energy and
love to just to give.
As a boy, I gave my heart.
I loved asking, loved askingquestions.
I was so curious, I was soexpressive, I was passionate

(13:48):
about everything I did andbecause I had so much energy,
that was a lot for my parentsand I get that.
They had a lot going on.
We migrated from South Africato Australia.
I couldn't even imagine thestress that they were going
through to try and make it herein another country and with that

(14:08):
amount of energy that I had asa boy, bringing that to my
parents after they've had a bigday at work.
It would get shut down and it'dbe too much for them.
So this little boy, right overa long period of time, starts to
feel that who I am, myexpression, who I am on my core,
my love, my heart, is too muchand it's going to continuously

(14:31):
get shut down, right or rejectedor it's not going to be
received by the people I lovemost.
So I'd minimize my expressionbecause I felt that I was too
much so in that moment.
I'm not in that moment, butover that period of time my
nervous system started to feelthat this is where we become,

(14:52):
stuck in a state of survival.
It's more important for us tobe loved, liked, accepted by our
parents.
Our parents are God to us.
They are the solerepresentation of love of God
right.
We, as children are solelydependent on them because we

(15:13):
don't see life through our owneyes as children, we see it
through our parents' eyesbecause we are a reflection of
them.

Darren (15:23):
So when they bring aspects of scarcity, you know,
inadequacy, lack of x, lack of y, we perceive that we bring that
into existence yep.

Ryan (15:35):
So I perceived my parents emotional overwhelm as if
there's something inherentlywrong with me.
So I must change myself and besomeone other than myself in
order to be loved and liked.
What that looks like inbusiness is me being inauthentic
to myself and just trying to belike every other fucking coach
in the entire world instead ofjust being myself there's so

(16:02):
much thing about this man, Ithink, particularly on the
belief side, like that's whenthe person, the entrepreneur,
whoever it is, they inherent.

Darren (16:14):
all of those limiting beliefs in terms of like money
is not scarce and you need tostruggle and you need to work
super hard, you need to overindex on hard work, versus like
being intelligent and learningthings, and just even the simple
things like systems andleverage, just that's not given
to us, which is obvious.
But I mean, I literally taughtthat money was impossible

(16:36):
because I never had anythingright, and I taught that it was
just impossible.
And then it was only until thelast couple of years where I was
like, oh well, on the internetyou can do this and it will
create that, that I had brokenall the beliefs.
So the stuff that I thought wastrue all became inaccurate,
right, and that could start withthe business side.

(16:59):
It could start with thefriendship side who's in your
corner, who's not in your corner, who's holding you back?
Right, an issue with theparents, then with the friends,
a lot of dude you could doubletap on, like even the things
that you're being told by thegovernment, even things that are
being passed down bypoliticians.
I just had believed a bunch ofthese things and then, when I
had seen them for myself ordiscovered it for myself, I

(17:21):
realized it was all bullshit.
And in similar relationships,my wife now, who was my
girlfriend once upon a time, sheliterally said it to me that
the way that I was carryingmyself, that I'd learned from my
parents, it wasn't normal.
It's not normal to have thesearguments, it's not normal to
have these scream fests.
And I had just observed,through my environment and

(17:44):
through, you know, ireland'svery similar to Australia, dude,
like it's same culture justdrink, drink, party, scream,
right, it's the same concoctionto the degree that I had to
believe that stuff was just trueuntil I had pulled myself
completely outside of it.
You know, yeah.

Ryan (18:00):
Yeah, with that.
I feel there's so much therearound.
So, beneath the limitingbeliefs that we have in business
, around money, around creatingsuccess, around our paradigm of

(18:38):
what's possible is typically theunresolved.
Either shame of the little boywho feels that he's not enough,
that he's not good enough, thathe's not worthy to actually
create that, or the childhoodthat that little boy didn't have
, where he gained the strengthsof being able to be in his
curiosity and like.
Think of the energy of a child.
They're curious, they trythings.
They don't care if they fail.
They just try again.
Right, they go after what theywant.
They're curious about the world.

(18:59):
Like they, they will.
They're very intuitive.
They have a very strong feltsense.
It's like the.
These are the strengths that wedon't gain when we are taken
out of our childhood because ofthis unresolved trauma.
So then you get into businessand you have to start working
through a lot of theselimitations that are actually

(19:21):
preventing you from going outthere and creating what it is
that you want.
Because, like you, you look atsome of the most successful
people, some of the stupid, likethe most dumb people, you know,
because they don't think theyjust act right and when we
overthink things.

Darren (19:38):
Typically, that's the protection within us that's
fearful of what's going tohappen if we fail do you think
that there's an argument forpeople over over, analyzing,
overthinking, overworking onthemselves that's actually
prevented them to actually justexecute?
Yes, yes.

Ryan (19:55):
And typically that.
So typically, someone whooveranalyzes, overthinks and
feels like they have to keepdoing the work on themselves is
potentially that little boy whofeels that there's something
inherently wrong with him rightor his brain had to constantly
look for threats all of the time.
So he becomes a man who's sostuck in his head right, who's

(20:18):
so hypervigilant of all of thesepotential things that could go
wrong, where his whole life isjust a state of fear.
He's living in such a state offear where he can't actually
just enjoy what it is that he'sbuilding or whatever it is that
he's creating.
So, like, beneath all of thisis the unresolved, like the
trauma of the boy.
And until we actually go backin and complete that because

(20:41):
that's what trauma is right it'san incomplete process, it's a
motion that's stuck in the bodythat hasn't had the safety or
the space to actually be feltand processed.
So when we go back in andactually complete the process of
the unresolved pain that westore in our body, then we
overcome that trauma and it nolonger has power over us.

(21:02):
And the beautiful part aboutthat as well is your life has
been built upon the foundationof that trauma.
Everything that, every decisionyou've made.
Everything that's led you up toright now sitting here in this
chair me sitting right now inthis chair has been from the
foundation of the boy, becausethat little boy was once you.

(21:26):
That little boy was once me,and every single moment since I
was a child like that's led meup to right now sitting here in
this chair, that little boy wasonce a part of you and is still
a part of you.
Right, we were once him and ourlife has been built upon the
foundation of that.
And until you resolve thatunresolved trauma of that little

(21:49):
boy, your life will continue tobe on the foundations of that
little boy.
And this is why men lack theemotional capacity in business.
They get stressed, they getoverwhelmed, they feel like no
matter how much they do, it'snever enough, or they feel like
whatever they actually want tocreate is just not achievable.
Because, let's say, theunresolved when a little boy

(22:13):
didn't receive the love and thenurturing and the safety that he
needed in childhood to be inhis own emotional experience, he
doesn't develop the skill setof self-soothing and regulating
his emotions.
So he then builds a businesswhere he's extremely stressed
out every single day and he hasno idea what to do with those

(22:35):
emotions or that built up stressor overwhelm or frustration.
So typically he leans on arelationship to make him feel
better.
He leans on a woman or apartner and gives them the
responsibility of making himfeel better.
This is where he seeks forthings outside of him to feel
better.
Caffeine, vaping, smoking, drugs, drinking all of this it's a

(22:56):
quick outlet, but if you thinkof like a feel better caffeine,
vaping, smoking, drugs, drinkingall of this it's a quick outlet
.
But if you think of like apressure cooker, that thing is
building pressure over time andeventually needs a release,
otherwise it'll just explode andthose things are just a release
on the pressure valve of thepressure cooker but nothing's
actually happening because yourelease the pressure and it
builds up again, again, againand then you get to the breaking

(23:19):
point of you got to releasethat pressure.
When we go back and actuallydischarge the energy of the
unresolved trauma in our bodybased on what we experienced in
childhood, what we're doing iswe're going to the wall and
we're flicking it off on thewall and we're unplugging the
pressure cooker.
Going to the wall and we'reflicking it off on the wall and
we're unplugging the pressurecooker, so that pressure is no

(23:42):
longer unconsciously buildingbeneath the surface, which then
leads to this overwhelm inbusiness or in relationships.
How do you heal that trauma?
Great question creating a safeenough space for a man to go

(24:05):
into the parts of himself thathe's been resisting or pushing
away or neglecting his entirelife and for me that's been my
deepest teacher has been meleaning into, feeling and facing
my grief.
The grief of the love that Ididn't receive, the grief of the
childhood that I didn't have,the grief of everything that's

(24:28):
happened because of this littleboy who felt that who he is at
his core is inherently broken orthere's something wrong with
him.
The grief of that of wow, likeyou know, that's really sad.
Before we go, any further.

Darren (24:42):
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What's the levels, or what'sthe level of problem awareness?
Because one thing I even likemaybe observing myself is that I

(25:26):
don't necessarily feel a lack,but I feel, like you know, a
never-ending burn of drive.
Like I, I don't take breaks,nor any knee breaks.
I'm not really like clingingfor the next penny, but I do it
from more of an infinite gameperspective which is like I just
like what I'm doing, I likebuilding, I like doing it every
day.

(25:47):
Now, is it difficult?
Yes, is it tiring?
Yes, is it stressful?
Yes, but I mean, I couldn'timagine myself sitting in Batuba
, long Beach just chilling,right?
Yeah, it's not inherently there, yeah, so what's the levels of
problem awareness?
To be like?
Oh damn, that's not somethingthat's been resolved, right,
because question for you is likewhat if you don't solve the

(26:08):
problem but you becomeincredibly successful without it
?

Ryan (26:14):
I've worked with men who've exited their company for
$500 million A few months later,lost themselves.
They come to me.
I'm riddled with anxiety.
My relationship, my marriage,is breaking down.
I've lost myself.
I'm reactive, I'm shut down.
It's like my life's imploding.

(26:34):
And it's because he finally gotto the end of what it was that
he thought he wanted andrealized that at the end of it,
beneath all of it, his entirelife, the drive behind all of it
was this little boy who wasstill seeking his dad's approval
.
So he exited for 500 milliondollars and it wasn't it.

(26:57):
It just didn't feel likeanything.
It didn't feel like it wasenough.
And beneath that was thatunresolved trauma and energy.
Now here's the thing when you'reoperating from the
consciousness of the wounded boy, you're in a state of survival.
So let's say you're building abusiness from the place of this

(27:20):
little boy who feels like heneeds to prove himself in order
to be loved, or that he needs tocreate a level of success in
order to be seen or validated,or to feel like he has some
value and worth in the world.
In childhood he didn't have hiscore emotional needs reflected
back to him right.
He then gets the end of thepath and the whole journey has

(27:45):
been built on this.
It's, it's fear, so he's, it'soperating from a place of fear
every single day.
He's living in a state ofsurvival and activation.
Right then he gets to the end,and then that happens.
Now the difference is here, isthat and I feel like a piece
beneath your question of whatyou're asking is you mentioned.
You know, I don't just want togo like sit on the beach and

(28:08):
chill, like I still want todrive, I still want to have this
drive, I still want to createsuccess.
So what's the point of healingthis if you know I'm going to
lose that?

Darren (28:18):
it's almost how.
How does someone identify thatthey need that help?
Because it's levels of problemawareness.
Yeah, we chatted earlier aboutyour business.
Yeah, I can look at it likelike it's like a mathematical
equation, but it's verydifficult for someone to look at
themselves that way and also,there's no scorecard or
scoreboard as how things areoperating internally, especially

(28:39):
up here or here.
There's no dashboard, right, sosomeone has to come.
So the whole logic with this isyou have to hit rock bottom.
People hit rock bottom torealize this stuff, but you
don't need to hit rock bottom tomake those changes.
And guys come to us for theirbusiness and for their content

(28:59):
when they've hit rock bottom,but it's like you don't have to
be in extreme pain to fix theproblem.
Yeah, that's my kind of idea,because I always look at things
through levels of problem ofawareness, because for a lot of
guys listening this to me, like,oh, I'm fine, but they're
deeply insecure, they have thesedeep wounds, they're not, they
don't know how to make the shift.
And then if you put, if we puttogether a plan which you will
for people, they don't know,they don't know that they need

(29:21):
it, right, and it's kind of likeit's like to keep it very
simple.
It's like when you speak tosomeone who's overweight and
they don't have that level ofawareness for you, but it's
literally in the mirror.
So if they can't see that, thenI think a big challenge you

(29:44):
have is to get people to see itinside of them.

Ryan (29:47):
Yep, so as you've created a level of success.
I've created a level of success.
And then you also know thatprobably the most successful
people that you know as wellthat have created massive
success, majority of that is themore that they've actually
worked on themselves.
Yeah, yeah, exactly yeah.

(30:09):
So, by listening to thispodcast, this is the invitation.
This is a subtle invitationbecause here's the thing the
universe will whisper at youbefore it fucking yells at you.
Right, and this could be awhisper.
And here's the thing people know.
You know there's things, youknow that there's things that
need to be worked on, thatyou've been like I know someone

(30:32):
listening to this right now.
They're like, oh, there's thatone thing that I know that I've
been doing for so long.
It's a habit, it's a behavior,it's a reaction, it's something
your partner tells you.
It's like you know the thing,you know the crutch, you know
the void, you know the fuckingvice.
And this is your invitation.
This is the subtle whisper fromthe universe.
The fact that you're listeningto this, that you and I so you

(30:55):
know we connected here in Balilike all these synchronicities
have happened for some, for thispodcast to happen, for someone
to listen to it, to receive thatsubtle whisper from the
universe to go wow, you know,maybe I should look at you know
why I have this dependency onthese things to make or a
relationship to feel good, orwhy I feel anxious or reactive

(31:16):
in relationship, or why I feelso overwhelmed and stressed and
like nothing is ever enough inbusiness?
This is the imitation, this isthe whisper, because you can
change from a place of pain andsuffering and desperation or
inspiration, or from a place ofchoice.
Because, when it comes to thehero's journey, we are always
receiving subtle invitations andcallings to adventure to go on

(31:40):
our own hero's journey, and mostpeople wait until the universe
is screaming at them or they gethit by the truck to then listen
.
And this is me speaking fromlosing relationships, losing a
lot of money from me.
Uh, you know, either achievingsomething and getting to the end

(32:01):
of it and then wishing I couldgo back and tell people hey,
this isn't the path, this isn'tthe way, like I've been down
that road and you know you don't.
People don't have to.
And also, who?
Who is it for me to say people,uh, what road is that?
They can or can't go down it?
That's up to them, that's partof their journey.
And if I didn't go through someof my karmic paths and journeys

(32:25):
, I wouldn't be here todaysharing what I'm sharing, what
was some of the biggest absoluteblow-ups in your face
relationship.
What was that?
I'd been in the personaldevelopment space for close to a
decade now and I went through arelationship where I'd done the
work, I'd invested hundreds ofthousands of dollars on myself

(32:46):
and my journey, all of itIntellectually, I understood
trauma, I understood healing, Iunderstood personal growth,
personal development, Iunderstood business, understood
healing, I understood personalgrowth, personal development, I
understood business.
But beneath all of that wasstill this little boy.
He was yearning for somethingoutside of him to feel good.

(33:07):
He was yearning for arelationship to soothe him and
regulate him and support himemotionally.
And then it took for me to beso dependent on that where I got
into a relationship withsomeone who was emotionally
unavailable.
And here's the thing.
That's what we do, becausethat's what was familiar to me,
right, what I thought was lovewas emotional unavailability.

(33:31):
I didn't know the differencebetween true love and someone
who is emotionally unavailable.
So that emotionalunavailability that I
experienced in childhood, that'semotional abuse.
That is actual emotional abuse.
Over time it's very subtle, butto not have it reflected back

(33:54):
to you, your core emotionalneeds of love, nurturing, care
and connection, that's emotionalabuse.
And if that's what you think isnormal and familiar to you, you
would then get into arelationship where that's normal
and that's familiar.
Now, in that situation, thelittle boy within me got super
activated and he returned to thesurvival strategies that he

(34:15):
used as a boy to get his needsmet his survival needs met of
love and connection.
We will do everything in ourpower to get our core emotional
needs met.
We will become whoever we needto be to get those needs met.
And what it took for me to be ina relationship where my sole

(34:38):
source of love, which was thiswoman, this relationship, for
her to physically abandon, likeI got home one day from the gym,
she was packing her stuff, shewas going, she couldn't do it
anymore.
It was too much, it was toooverwhelming right, and you can
probably now see how.
When I shared before earlier mystory of the little boy who
felt like he was too much forpeople, I didn't receive those

(35:00):
subtle signs over time because Ithought this emotional
unavailability was normal.
So what I thought was normalwas this person who was out of
arm's reach.
That's what was familiar to me,and I lost myself in that
because I felt what was normalto me based on childhood, was in
order to be loved, you have toprove yourself, you have to

(35:21):
overextend yourself to get youremotional needs met, and in
doing so you also have tominimize yourself as well.
So you're not too much.
So in doing so, I completelylost myself, lost touch of who I
am as a man, and in that mybusiness was suffering.
Everything was just goingdownhill, and it took for that

(35:41):
sole source of my love andconnection to be stripped away
from me for my heart to break,to crack open.
But it wasn't my heart breakingand cracking open from that
relationship, it was my heartbreaking and cracking open all
that relationship.
It was my heart breaking andcracking open all the grief that
had been caked around it, basedon this little boy who had to

(36:04):
protect his heart because itwasn't taken care of in
childhood.
Does that make sense?

Darren (36:09):
makes perfect a lot of sense.
It makes perfect sense and Ithink I think I was just very
fortunate to find my wife, whokind of like realigned me Was
like you know, like this shit'snot okay, like the way that
you're acting, the way you'redoing it's not okay, and she
like helped me kind of walkthrough that process and kind of
identify that in me being likeyou know, you're too much like

(36:32):
this, you're too much like that,and even giving kind of more
tactical examples.
It's almost like seekingapproval, seeking, yeah,
approval, permission, approvalcontinuously in microcosm
examples and then and almostlooking for acceptance.
Right, so it's.
I'm extremely lucky theposition I'm in because, like my

(36:53):
wife never, never quantifiesour quality of a relationship
based on a success externally.
So, like we got together, I wassuper broke, she was super
broke.
Uh, it hasn't changed thedynamic of the relationship.
She's super proud and she'sreally proud of, like what we've
, what we've got to, what we'vebuilt together and how she
supported me.
But it's never changed thenature of the relationship.

(37:16):
And we talk about this regularlyyou know how regularly of the
relationship and we talk aboutthis regularly.
You know how regularly how likewe don't need the cash.
Yeah.
We don't need the house, we justneed a few of our dogs hanging
around and a bit of chicken andrice.
That's why you have money,exactly, and that's why it's
opened it up to be like muchmore of an exploration.
But what's important here isthat I kind of met a woman to
almost improve me in that regard, because I had been in like

(37:40):
destructive relationships in thepast whereby it was like, okay,
that person that I had beenrunning from is who I attracted,
which messed me up in a certainregard, because I was always
and it wasn't the person thatmessed me up, it was just the
habit that messed me up and Ithink, as I gave up alcohol and
gave up partying, that put us ona new path and I was able to

(38:02):
find to kind of fine tune itfrom there.
Now I wanted to ask you aboutthe support mechanism.
So surely not all romanticsupport is bad, right?
Surely there's a component ofhaving a romantic partner that
helps and aids the pursuit thatthat you're on.
So how do you draw thatdistinction between someone who

(38:23):
is dependent but who is actuallysupportive?

Ryan (38:27):
yeah, to be in relationship is to two things.
There's called, it's calledrelational um reciprocity, right
.
To be in relationship, it'sgiving and receiving.
It's this dance of being in themiddle.
Now, to be in relationship isgiving and receiving.
It's this dance of being in themiddle.
Now, to be in relationship isto be dependent on someone and

(38:48):
to allow yourself to bedependent on someone and also to
be independent, right.
So here's the thing, here's howthis becomes.
An issue is when we don't getour core emotional needs met in
our dependency stage inchildhood, we get stuck in a
state of survival where, as anadult, we become dependent on

(39:10):
relationships or overlyindependent on relationships,
because that's our map, that'sour embodied sense of what
relationship is.
We don't know what healthyconnection is because we didn't
have that safety.
So this is how we become adultchildren in relationship.

(39:31):
Who is seeking to have thosecore emotional needs met through
a relationship as an adult?
And until we actually go backand you learn how to hold that
boy who didn't get the love thathe needed, right, you learn how
to really hold yourself in thatwhere you can be solid in your

(39:53):
own frame of energy as a man,while also allowing yourself to
depend and rely on a partner aswell.
So, yes, it's both.
It's being yourself to dependand rely on a partner as well.
So, yes, it's both.
It's being able to depend andrely on someone, right, that's
what relationship is.
And this comes back to.
This is what attachment stylesare.
If you've ever heard ofattachment styles, we've got
anxious attachment, we've gotavoidant attachment, we've got

(40:17):
disorganized attachment,avoidant attachment, we've got
disorganized attachment.
So those are the styles.
Those are the styles.
Sorry, I should say those arethe strategies.
So our attachment styles are thestrategies that we developed in
childhood to either keep loveat arm's length, to create
distance, to protect our heart,right, or the strategies that we

(40:41):
develop to gain closeness andconnection.
So the anxious is think of,like reaching out energy, like I
need, I'm dependent on you tofulfill something that's missing
within me.
Right, there's somethinginherently missing within me.
I feel that at my core there'ssomething missing and this is

(41:04):
where, at the core of it,growing up, throughout childhood
, throughout the rest of a man'slife, he just feels this deep
core sense of loneliness.
That's where it comes from.
Is this love that he didn'thave reflected back to him?
So that's the anxious.
And then the avoidant is lovewas such a painful place, right,

(41:25):
where he was either shut down,ridiculed, criticized, passive
aggressiveness, right, or he waseither loved and then he was
met with like harsh energy orwhatever, or he didn't receive
the emotional connection that heneeded through his parents
having a calm, regulated nervoussystem.

(41:45):
Because, as children, we'recommunicating nervous system to
nervous system.
That's how we communicate withour caregivers.
Your ability to regulate andsoothe your nervous system and
your emotional capacity inrelationship is directly
correlated to your parents'nervous system and their ability

(42:07):
to be with their own emotions.
So take a look at what youexperienced in childhood and
then think about how that thenhas reflected within your
nervous system, because that'syour only representation of
emotional regulation andconnection, because that's what
your nervous system, becausethat's your only representation
of emotional regulation andconnection, because that's what
your nervous system was firstand foremost connected to in
childhood.
Dude, that's crazy.

(42:27):
So, coming back to theattachment styles, this is where
we, when we become wounded inthose stages, this is where we
don't allow ourselves to dependon a partner right, and they
will feel that.
They'll feel that there'sthere's that there's something
that's blocking me loving you.
There's something around likeyou're not letting me fully in,

(42:49):
right, or it's the other wayaround, where it's like they
have zero boundaries and it'sjust a shit show.
Yeah a shit show.
So, yes, in relationship thereis a healthy level of support of
actually allowing yourself todepend on a partner, to depend
on them, because you're alsoindependent within yourself.
So it's what we callinterdependence, it's the middle

(43:13):
.
Now there's that.
And then there's also,especially for men, a level of
emotional support that they goto their brothers for, not their
partner.
When a man brings his problems,his challenges, his frustrations

(43:33):
constantly to his partner andhe's leaning on her emotionally
for emotional support because hedoesn't know what to do with
the overwhelm or the frustrationof his business not going the
way he wants it to go rightthink of the energy of like a,
like a pillar leaning on anotherpillar.
How's your partner supposed tolean and depend on you

(43:56):
emotionally as a man, right, ifyou don't have that solid frame
of energy within yourself?
Like I said, it's the abilityto, in a healthy way, rely and
depend on your partneremotionally.
And there's certain things thatyou bring to the men.
There's certain things that yousit in circle with other men
and discuss with them andwhatever comes up for you.

(44:18):
In that, yes, you can bring theawareness of that to your
partner, but you're not bringingthe problem to her, for her to
try and solve.

Darren (44:24):
The majority of my guests run content businesses.
They've used content as themain element of their business
to drive more revenue and buildtheir influence online.
We've been doing this through apodcast for many years.
We have many guests, clientsand even customers use a podcast
as their main source of drivingmore revenue for their business
and building their influenceonline, and we're offering a

(44:46):
handful of spots to book in acall with our team to learn how
you yes, you can leverage apodcast to generate more revenue
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Many of our clients andcustomers start from nothing,
but each one of them are actiontakers and they want to learn
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So if you want to learn moreand you're really interested in

(45:07):
building a podcast, check outthe link down below and book in
a free call with our customersuccess manager and he will
guide you into how you can buildand generate more revenue from
your podcast this year.
Can you give examples, BecauseI've worked on that deliberately
?
Just for a bit of context, Ithink in the beginning of my
business, like many years ago,me and Elise lived in Singapore
together.

(45:28):
It was just kind of me and herand I'd be like Jesus Christ,
like this is on fire, this is onfire, and then it would kind of
almost be at the boy that criedwolf.
It would just kind of come tothe point whereby it was one not
valuable for me and then twonot valuable for her because she
doesn't understand, right, yeah, whereas I joke saying people
don't need co-founders, theyneed better friends.
Because, like, in theory, ifyou just have a good network of

(45:51):
guys or we have a very good team, that if something explodes, I
get on a call and I'm like,right, guys, this is fucked, but
we'll do x, y and z, yeah.
And then often to my wife, thenif she's like, oh, how was it,
I just come along like, yeah,it's fine, whatever.
And I I've found that I havedeveloped a lot more uh, with

(46:11):
extreme scenarios, like justreally extreme things that
explode all the time, uh, thanmy wife, because I just carry
more responsibility in terms ofjust like, literally like people
that are that work with me,money, that we manage everything
, that a lot of times I feel nowthat I've just kind of got to
the point where, by things justkind of go off my back.
I'm like, ah right, you know,because I've I've spent many

(46:35):
years doing this, you know, andI have scares all down my back
and right through my face, yeah,of uh, betrayal, everything
that now, if I was to explainsome of these things to at least
she would blow up.
But I just I'm like it's chill,it happens, it's happened, it
will happen again, yeah, youknow, yeah so yeah.

Ryan (46:56):
So let's think of it from the lens of that where you
shared.
If you're in relationship as aman and you're bringing to your
partner this energy of overwhelm, stress, frustration, this
closed offness where she can'tfeel you and she can feel this.

(47:22):
And here's the thing when youdon't have the support of
brotherhood and men to bringyour challenges and your
frustrations to, because whenyou don't have that, you'll
carry that on your shoulders andyou'll bring that into your
relationship and she'llconsistently feel this sense of

(47:44):
close-offness or overwhelm.
And how it typically it playsout is her request for quality
of time quality time will beoverwhelming for you because you
have all of this stuff on yourshoulders or her request for
intimacy or connection.
Or her request for yeah, let'sjust say intimacy and connection

(48:10):
will be too much.
It's like I've got so much shitgoing on right now I can't even
think about that or you or shecan just feel that you don't
actually have the capacity tohold my emotional expression.
So the most toxic trait, I liketo say the most toxic trait of

(48:30):
the masculine, is him expectinghis partner to hold him and
support him emotionally, yet hedoesn't have the capacity within
his nervous system to meet herbasic needs of creating safety
have you?

Darren (48:48):
are you familiar with sahil bloom's work?
No, dude, be an awesome, veryfree to connect to it.
Yeah, happy to do the intro aswell.
You get on really well.
Yeah, I know, sahil, have youseen the Sahil at all?
No, oh, dude.
Yeah, he has a new book calledFive Pillars of Wealth, which is
like the full spectrum ofhealth, wealth, relationships,
time and freedom.
He's a friend of mine which I'mvery proud to say.

(49:10):
He's very, very famous and thereason why he's famous is
because he was in San Franciscoworking in private equity or
across America, whatever, andthen he moved all the way back
to the East Coast of America tobe with his family because he
wanted to value time and he knewthat his parents were getting
older and the amount of timehe's going to spend with them
decreases, and he does a lot ofanalysis of time.

(49:30):
So, basically, quality timeover quantity of time.
So you could be with yourpartner for 15 minutes a day,
but that time is super quality,spent where you're.
You know capturing these needsand you're addressing these
needs, so that you can go offand be in an office for 22 hours
a day.
But it's about understanding theparameters of it and then also
like what is a wealthy life inthe context of everything that

(49:51):
you want.
So it speaks a lot to thisbecause I think, as I explained
to you in my house, like I, I Ihave tried to engineer this
because this openness andattentiveness and
conscientiousness was alwaysmissing for me until I had
learned a lot of this concept,because the fact was, just
because me and Elise worked fromthe same room didn't mean we

(50:13):
were connecting.
So that's why I have thedungeon, which anyone who knows
me or my podcast.
It's like an iconic thing,which is like I go into a room
that's black and I leave whenit's over.
And that could be.
I can take breaks, right, but Ileave when it's over and then I
go back and me and Lisa are likeokay, what's going on?
She has this issue with thedogs and so on, and I'm just
there and I might only be therethe room for two hours, but then

(50:42):
when I come out, I'm in thisand I've tried to put those
extreme hard borders on, likethe workers in the office, or
the dungeon as I call it, andthey were talking about x,
because I have, I have to dothat because, if I don't, then
I'm just like oh, I'm on slackand someone's pissing me off
because that's what happens onmy laptop.
Someone's saying somethingthat's gone wrong, so it's about
having those extreme harshborders.
Now he doesn't talk about that,but I have to add that on me

(51:04):
because I've seen this seep inand out.
Yeah, and like I famously don'thave a sim card, you can't
contact me if I'm not on mylaptop.
It's not possible.
I don't have, I don't have data, don't have a sim card, I don't
have a phone number, I don'thave a, I don't have an email
address on my phone, you can'tcontact me.
So I have to get to my laptopto be able to contact me, and

(51:25):
I'm always on my laptop, butthat's because I'm when I'm
working.
I'm working, um, yeah, so likethat's an indirect way.

Ryan (51:33):
It's boundaries, right, it's boundaries with everything
yeah, and that that's more of anon a like individual level.

Darren (51:39):
Absolutely, it's like you being super intentional with
your energy and that's likemasculine self-leadership when I
won, because I think what'sironic is it's ironic because I
think Elise wasn't familiar withthis, yeah, and she was just
kind of chilling where she couldbe on the couch and I'm like,
come, we might be working andshe didn't really consciously
think about this, yeah, but Ihad noticed, noticed, I'd
observed it wasn't an issue, butI'd observed that we weren't

(51:59):
spending quality time together,yeah.
So I had kind of I have very,uh, intentional rules, which is
like if we're at the table,you'll find this interesting.
I'll tell you this.
So I grew up in a chaotic,chaotic house, bro chaotic, and
I lived in the middle of nowhere.
That a big thing.

(52:20):
It was so fucked up.
A big thing that would happenis that people in my house would
play music really loud or playthe tv really loud to create
this sense of atmosphere superfucked up.
So then, when someone came in,it was like oh, there was
something going on in the housethat you weren't proud of.
My parents were never together,they were separated, but we

(52:42):
were too poor to get a divorce,so they were separated,
separated out of the house.
So what that had meant for meis that I had grown up resenting
television, because it was thisnoise distraction.
So Naomi, my wife, we have lunchtogether, breakfast together,
dinner together, no TV, no sound, no phone.
So, as you came into my houseearlier and you're like, dude,

(53:04):
this is the quietest place ever.
There's no sounds in my housebecause we have to converse and
my phone will be in the officeas well.
And when we're having dinner,like I'm like how's the dog
doing, how is this doing, how isthis doing?
And I'm genuinely interested init.
And then I get up and I'm likeI'm gone and I gotta go.
You know, and it's because I'vehad those like things from

(53:25):
childhood that, you know, if Ihear the TV on in the background
or something, to me it triggersthose things.
Yeah.
Which meant, you know, pushingpeople away and so on and so
forth.

Ryan (53:37):
Yeah, pushing people away and so on and so forth.
Yeah, the the things that wevalue most in life now were
based on the void that we had inchildhood.
So the things that we didn'thave in childhood typically
become the things that we valuemost.
So that that's very much where,like our highest values derive
from.
Is that way, money would be ahighest value?
Yeah, for sure For me.

(53:58):
Learning and growth.
You know something growing upwas learning was not my strong
suit in the schooling system.
That was, and because that wassomething I didn't have cause I
felt dumb, I felt like I Icouldn't learn, I felt like
there was something wrong withme.
It's become one of my highestvalues, where every single
morning, I'm either reading ornow I'm learning and I'm

(54:19):
growing's like my highest, it'slike the thing that that lights
me up the most is learning andgrowing and developing, like my
knowledge and my skill sets.
And, yeah, it's because thatwas a big void for me, uh, in
childhood you'll find thisinteresting.

Darren (54:34):
So I was a.
I was very sick as a child.
I was like chronic asthmatic.
So I was always out of schooland because I was out of school
so much when I was in school, Iobviously missed, like I miss
everything there's my ABCs.
I miss everything.
So I was termed like extremelydyslexic as a child.
So I was in like a separateclass, which is why I hated
going to school, so I'd never goto school, all this kind of
stuff and with that and thenthat mark of being dyslexic was

(54:58):
handed into every class, everyhigh school.
I went to my high school exams.
I was told not to do thembecause I was too dyslexic, but
I should have someone who writesmy stuff.
I write every single day.
Everyone, a lot of people, willmessage me asking for my
copywriter in my company.
I will tell them it's me.

(55:18):
People ask how do I send sevenemails a week?
I write an email every day.
I say it's me.
I've written every sales copymyself, every single thing,
every LinkedIn post, everyInstagram bio.
I write myself because I lovewriting and I'm now, lo and
behold, I'm good at it, right?
So I literally say that I amactually not dyslexic.

(55:41):
I was told I was dyslexic andthen everyone just believed it.
Yeah, it's crazy, and I'll wakeup on a Saturday, I'll write
for two or three hours on aSaturday, and it's just super
ironic, right.
Yeah.
Because often and this is quiteinteresting is because even when
I was 20, 21, 22, I didsoftware engineering in school,
a variation of it.

(56:01):
Um, I wouldn't do theapplications for companies cause
I felt I couldn't write Yep.
And even in jobs I wouldn'twrite requirements for X, y and
Z.
Yeah.
Um, and then it was only when Ibuilt my business and my podcast
.
Actually it was funny enoughcause I started.
You'll find this funny funny.
I started a podcast because Ithought I couldn't write and

(56:23):
then I end up writing every time, every day, to promote the
podcast.
Okay, so then when I built mybusiness, I was like, oh, this
is fucking, I like to write.

Ryan (56:32):
So, as you said, everything that happens in your
childhood, uh, it comes up insome sorts of experience in your
adulthood and this, right here,is exactly why men fear healing
, or they don't want to heal,because they feel that they're
going to lose that drive.
They're going to lose thatdetermination, they're going to
lose that part of them that thatwas built from, because that

(56:53):
was built from a wound right,everything that's gotten you up
to like the writing, thepodcasting, that was from a core
wound, emotional wound.
And men think that that if theyheal, they're going to lose
that drive to build the thingthat got them to where they are.
But the thing is is like whatwas and this is coming back to
what I mentioned before aroundeither like sitting on the beach
or building the business.
Men think that if they healthese core emotional wounds or

(57:18):
um reconnect with these unmetneeds that they didn't have in
childhood, they think they'regoing to just be like, oh, I
don't need anything, I don'tneed anyone, I'm just going to
go lay on the beach every singleday Like I'm good.
No, you get to receive the giftsthat you've developed along the
way, the gifts that you'vecultivated and received because
of the man that you had tobecome, because the man you are

(57:39):
today is exactly the man thatyou were placed on this earth to
be there are no coincidencesbut those strengths that you've
gained and developed.
No longer you can integratethose, but no longer from the
fear or the unresolved trauma orthe wounding or the guilt or
the the uh, the shame that'sbeneath that.

(58:01):
So it no longer has to be froma place of pain and suffering
and from shame and from thisunconscious need to do something
, from a place of survival.
Now it gets to be done from aplace of deep meaning, purpose
and inspiration, where it's gotmore depth to it.

Darren (58:18):
So you become better as a result, and that's the big
unlock, right?
I think it's everything.
I have a ton of work I stillneed to do and I'm actively
working on it and everything,but at the same time, the work
that I have done has allowed meto get to different levels and
has allowed us to.
It was interesting.
I was at will brown'smastermind on sunday and at the
end of the day it was nineo'clock at night.

(58:38):
He went around the table and hewas like what do you want to
achieve?
And I wrote about this in my 29lessons.
From turning 29 years old, I'vesaid that I've achieved
absolutely everything that I'veever wanted to do in my twenties
already.
Now I'm simply playing forbonus points, and everything
else from here is amazing.

(58:58):
I'm married, I have an amazingwife, I'm fit, healthy, I've
made more money than I wouldever do, and because I had a
goal that I wanted to make amillion dollars by the time I
was 30.
And I think I hit it when I was27.
All right, so I think it waslike three years ahead, ahead,
even though that's not how Ithink but now it's all like

(59:20):
bonus points from here on out,basically and that's not to say
that I'm not ambitious.
So when I said it to Will, who'smade like 35 million dollars
online, he thought about it andthen I thought did he think that
I was kind of checked out?
And he came back at the end ofthe night he was like you know
what I'm actually the same.
He's like I got everything thatI need.
Now I'm just playing likecreativity.

(59:41):
So it's creativity, fulfillment, enjoyment.
I still have a ton of stuff Ineed to work on 100%, but I
think, at the very least, if youcan think about it through that
lens, that you will thereforestart building better things.
Like all right, let's fuckinggo.
And it's allowed me to takebetter risk.
Yep, even in the business, bro,simple things like this

(01:00:02):
Spending money to make money,spending money on education,
spending money on ads, spendingmoney on better content,
spending money on travel Rightas in like going somewhere for a
podcast I just like, alright,what do we got to do?
Okay, it's like 3 in myrelationship to risk opportunity
as someone who is risk on, asan entrepreneur, it's allowed me

(01:00:25):
to take more calculated risks,not just aimless risk, which I
would argue that if you don't dothe work, you take aimless risk
.

Ryan (01:00:33):
And when you don't do the deep inner work, as in a way
that you have, like imagine ifyou were still building your
business or creating what you'recreating, if you didn't
actually lean in and resolve alot of that unresolved trauma
that you experienced inchildhood.
Yeah, like that, that alsoplayed.
I'm sure it's played a big andI'm sure it has it it has,

(01:00:57):
because I hate to say it, butwhich is also true.

Darren (01:00:58):
But the things that have happened to say it, but which
is also true, but the thingsthat happened to me as a kid is
the reason why I'm a goodentrepreneur.
Yep, you know, I can be asavage, I can be extremely
rootless, I can be extremelyclinical, like as you've seen.
Like you know, we've built agood relationship.
You can see, I'm like extremelynumbers orientated, high logic,
high on like competency becauseof that.

(01:01:18):
But then I've tried to reshapethat and be like all right,
let's fucking go, let's use itin the right way, so like that's
allowed me to get to a verystrong point, but not look back
with fear yeah because, like bro, I've been faced with it like
I've been hitting the head overit.
as I said, it's like I call itthe born identity walking
through the tower and gettinghit with all like trauma bombs

(01:01:40):
or like PTSD bombs, but likedude, actually sitting in it and
then also avoiding it at times,like I was going to run ultras
in Vietnam and then I got dengueand it swiped me out.
So, yeah, I've done theavoidance, I've done everything
and again, I'm not saying thisas if I've done it 100%, not

(01:02:00):
thing.
And I'm again, I'm not sayingthis as if I've done 100, not,
but it's a good, actually.
It's actually.
It's a good reminder for peopleto know that I've done a little
bit of work and it's helped metremendously.
So if you were to sit with you,do a lot more work, that would
help you at an with an exponentthat we talk a lot about,
leverage on my podcastasymmetrical returns.
That has an asymmetrical return.
Yeah, 100, yeah.

(01:02:21):
So that's what's funny, right?
It's not about input output,it's about input equals a
hundred x output.

Ryan (01:02:26):
yeah, absolutely what you just shared then around the
childhood and how you've had to.
You've become so analytical andclinical or in your head and
like being a really good problemsolver or being really good at
seeing the threats or the youknow, the potential.

(01:02:47):
Um, like like all the tiny,small, little intricate things
that most people don't see, likethat right there is preventing
a man from being in his heartand that disconnects him from

(01:03:10):
his felt sense and peoplefeeling him.
When he's so caught up andstuck in his head, you can feel
that disconnection between hishead and his heart.
People want to feel you.
The reason I blew up on socialmedia is because people could
finally feel me.
They could feel the essence ofmy soul.
The most successful musiciansin the world you can feel their

(01:03:33):
soul in the music and it's aboutbringing that soul back into
your work, because no one willdo it better than you.
No one will do it better thanme, right?
But when people try and do itas you or just like you, they're
being inauthentic to themselvesand you can feel that they're
disconnected from their soul,their own unique essence.

(01:03:55):
So that's what will happen iswhen you're so caught up in your
head, because what happens iswe actually become decapitated
from the head down, sorry, fromthe chin down.
We become decapitated.
What I mean by that is, ashumans, we do everything in our
power to avoid feeling.
Pain Makes sense, and if youremotional expression, your

(01:04:19):
emotional experience was apainful place to be in childhood
, you'll disconnect from it.
So, men, they disconnect fromthe chin down.
They have no fucking cluewhat's going on in here at any
given moment and because they'reunaware of that, they're
disconnected from theirintuition.
They're disconnected from theirdeeper truth of like what it is
.

Darren (01:04:38):
they know deep down in their gut where they can live
from that, that that place I'dlove to share with you a
newsletter I wrote on saturday,um, like afterwards, and you can
like say it's right or wrong,but, like I would, I would say
that a component of someonewho's going to smash it, or like

(01:05:01):
inevitably going to win, issomeone whose desire, or
someone's ability to stay in thepain threshold for as long as
possible.
So there's a famous ultrarunner called Courtney Delwater.
She calls it a pain cave andshe goes into the pain cave when
she's running 250 mile races.
She actually goes blind fromthe dehydration and she still
runs because she's able to stayin that like pain threshold.

(01:05:23):
And then I would I can get theline for you, but specifically
how I wrote it was pain was liketime in the moment multiplied
by the rate of revelation rateof revelation or iteration,
whichever to get better and thenthat is quantified by pain.
And then the pain then is equalto the outcome.

(01:05:45):
Because, like I've worked withjust a lot of entrepreneurs I
you know some of your famous,like YouTubers we do their
backend and like I can tell youlike the person is different
depending on where they are tosit, with problems and pains and
delayed gratification,everything.
You see it right, you just seeit, it just appears right, and I
think, like that's just been avery big thing for me, is the

(01:06:08):
fact that maybe it's because ofmy past that I'm able to sit
with something that's so painfulfor so long.
But then I don't think that'salso true, because you know,
someone in a third world countrywho doesn't have a lot of
resources also has a lot of pain.
Yeah, but in a different, in adifferent method.

Ryan (01:06:24):
Yeah, so this is where I'd ask someone for for what
purpose and from what place areyou doing?

Darren (01:06:30):
it from Funny.
You said that because I saidit's from the purpose of an
asymmetrical return.
Yes, it's because if you worksort of a job that was terrible
and it made you miserable andpainful, then you would just be
like fuck this, I'm out.
But if you're doing it to buildI'll give you an example to
build a startup, like a techstartup, is the ultimate highest
form of leverage because intheory, the guy built uber, or,

(01:06:50):
like elon musk, if he buildstesla over 10 years, that has
the highest form of leveragebecause it is the highest form
of multiple, whereas someonewho's working a job, no,
obviously right.
So that's why that's actually apoint that I made specifically,
yeah, which was for us asbusiness owners.
There is an infinite upsidewhich I find very difficult to

(01:07:11):
see, why people who commit tothe game don't stay in the game
yeah I find it.
I always talk to people aboutthis, but I find it very
difficult to resonate withpeople who don't do the work,
who have committed to thislifestyle.
You know they have a business,they have employees, yeah, and
they're not doing the work.
I find it very hard tounderstand why this?

Ryan (01:07:30):
because it's about them.
It's about them.
They make it about them.
And here's the thing I believewhen you're on mission and
you're on purpose, with what itis that you're supposed to be
doing here on this earth, that'sgot something to do with either
helping the planet or helpingother people in some way.
It's not about you anymore.
This is where you becomeselfless.
This is where you transcendself.

(01:07:51):
It's not even about you anymore.
It's about the people thatyou're here to help and impact.
That's why I wake up everyfucking day.
It's not about me.
It's about the generations thathave walked behind me and the
ones that are to walk in frontof me.
You know, and what it is thatI'm here to leave, this lasting
legacy and the ripple effectthat I'm here to leave, this
lasting legacy and the rippleeffect that I'm here to create

(01:08:13):
in this world.
I know it's beyond me andthere's a podcast I did with
your good friend, Tom and Iactually spoke about this where
I had a plant medicine journeyto where I had a direct
conversation with God.
That's probably quite a bigthing to throw out there for
most people, but you can golisten out if you want to hear

(01:08:35):
that journey.
But in that it was very, veryclear why I'm here.
It's not about me.
I am a vessel, I am aninstrument of something that's
greater than me and that's why,dude, I shared with you.
I legit had barley bellyyesterday.
I'm here doing a podcast.
It's beyond me.
I'm here to share my message.

(01:08:56):
I'm here to show up everyfucking day and do what I need
to do from that place and notfrom the place of I need to
prove myself, I need to provemyself, I need to be good enough
.
I'm not enough yet.
It's not enough yet.
It's from a place of yeah, andI'm the same, Like I've got
everything I could want, andmore financially right now.
Like I don't have to.
I, you want to, I want to.

Darren (01:09:19):
And I get to.
And that's the big.
If you read 10 X, these are intwo X, like there's a whole
paragraph on needs versus.
If you need something, it'sfrom anxiety, insecurity.
You'll take the shitty client,you'll do the bad work, you'll
cut corners, you'll fuck someoneover.
If you want it, it inspiresenthusiasm, creativity, an

(01:09:40):
infinite game approach.
Yeah, then it's like alright,let's try this thing.
And it wasn't until I had donesome of that work and also, I
have to say, until I've achievedsome sort of financial success
yeah, done some of that work.
And also, I have to say, untilI've achieved some sort of
financial success to be able toplay cards like that.
Because James Kemp taught meabout this and he just says he
just experiments, he buildsthings, he runs email campaigns.
He just looks at it like ascientist and he's like, ah,

(01:10:00):
that's funny that it didn't work, let's try this one.
Ah, it's funny that it did work.
Let's look at that.
And I think he's done insaneamount of work.
Be a good guy for you toconnect to it.
He was divorced.
He went through an extremedivorce.
He took care of his kids afterthe divorce Apparently, there
was lots of things going on andthen he had to spend two years

(01:10:21):
rewiring all his hardware, whyhe felt like he was always
chasing, chasing, chasing.
And now he's making $300,000 amonth with one employee at 97%
margin.

Ryan (01:10:30):
Yeah, I know of him.
I don't know him Speaking of mymastermind bro, oh, amazing.
And I can almost guarantee thathe's done some inner child work
in some way, in some form forhim to have that shift and
transformation where he got to apoint that his life was built
upon the foundation of, and nowhe's completely switched things,
where it's like now he gets tolive more on purpose and on

(01:10:52):
mission, where it's, it's notfrom that place anymore and um,
yeah, what one one thing Iwanted to touch on there around
um, what were we just speakingabout before, james?
um needs versus wants and,acting from that position of I
need this, I want this, you saidI have everything we need or

(01:11:16):
it's important for someone tofully own where they're at in
their season of life right now,when my business wasn't making
any money, it's I needed money,like Like I was operating from a
place of survival.
And when we look at the, if yougo look at Maslow's hierarchy
of needs, right, the first issafety, survival right.

(01:11:39):
And once we get out of survival, then we can get into
self-actualization.
And this is like that's thespiritual journey in business
and within business.
We can get to that point ofself-actualization where it's
like, yeah, you know, I can trythings now.
I can like have more freedomand flexibility with what I do,
um, where I make it better, andit makes things better.

Darren (01:12:01):
Yes, I always say that, like, entrepreneurship is a
journey of self-discovery.
This guy's on the path ofprofitability because it makes
things actually better when youdo it that way.
You know, and I've.
It's ironic because I hadlimiting.
You'll find this interesting.
I had limiting beliefs ofbringing people together and
doing events and doing dinnersand everything, and I always

(01:12:25):
know that I should do somethingwhen I have internal resistance.
But then I know on the external, I'll not be good at it, but I
can do it.
So I'll give an example.
That's how I started my podcast.
I was like I should do this, Ishould do this, I should do this
, and it was that driving forcethat made me, when I didn't want
to do it, to do it.
And then I started to do thiswith client dinners.
You'll find it, these are donefor you clients.

(01:12:51):
They don't know each other.
I would bring them together inDubai, in New York, in Bali.
And then I was like whoa, thisis amazing.
Then we started runningmasterminds.
Then we ran our last one andthen I had a lot of resistance.
We were running our next oneand I was like I don't know, can
I do it?
I don't know, can I do it.
And then we started doing itand we started, yeah, and it's
always that point whereby youthink it's not going to work

(01:13:12):
when it's like okay, that's whenyou should be doubling down.
What was the limiting belief?
It's I heard this from mypublic speaking coach is that
when you say things like likeand right and you have all these
filler words, it comes from aplace of insecurity in school
that you were so afraid ofasking a question and the

(01:13:32):
teacher not responding that youwould fill in the word.
I have that sense of insecurityabout when I start something,
because I used to think that ifI started a program it'd have to
be full on the first day andeveryone thinking I'm a loser if
I'm not.
But then I'd learned thatbecause I'll run a lot of
programs, bro, uh, I'd learnedthat customers have an inverse

(01:13:54):
relationship to what you want.
You want loads people in yourprogram.
They want no one, they wantjust them, they want one or two.
So that would give me a lot ofpeace to know that if I run a
mastermind and one person showsup, they're gonna have the best
weekend of their life three daysof me and my entire team.
And then I had, and then we havecracked the company masterminds

(01:14:15):
whereby we bring our people,and I'll do it.
But I wanted to try somethingwith guests and because I'm, you
know, paying my guests, Iwanted to make sure that had a
good what's the word, a goodguest list or good guests of
people.
And then I had the fear againbeing like what if I bring these

(01:14:36):
people and then no one comes?
Yeah, and then we had ran itand then everyone was like yeah,
this is sick, let's go.
So again.
It's always me thinking on thecounter of being that kid in
school who put up his hands andeveryone laughed at and see like
that that one core emotionalwound shows up in so many
different ways and differentforms.

Ryan (01:14:50):
And it will still show up in different ways, but there's
levels to it now there's levels.

Darren (01:14:54):
Yeah, because you know, when we had our dinner the other
night, um, me and elise showedup at 6 50, then it was at 7 and
elise was like what, if we'rethe only person here, we're
going to be like the pabloescobar meme.
You know him sitting on thebench and I was like don't worry
.
I was like it's chill, they'regonna come, because I'm so used
to doing it, you know.
And she was like I don't thinkanyone's gonna come.
Did you make sure you put theright restaurant?
And I was like, chill, they'regonna come in 10 minutes.

(01:15:16):
And five minutes later, dude,there was so many people there,
it was overwhelming, exactly youknow yeah, yeah, but like that,
that's.

Ryan (01:15:24):
That's it.
Like those core emotional need,those core wounds that we
experienced in childhood willcontinuously show up in so many
different ways, in differentforms and different levels.
So you don't just do thehealing once.
That little boy who experiencedwhat you experienced in
childhood is a part of who youare.
That's never going to disappear.

(01:15:45):
Good point, and it's anintegration of that, it's a
welcoming of it.
When we go yeah, go, yeah, fuckthat, like you know I don't
need him when we push thatyounger part of us away,
whatever we resist will persistand that pressure, that weight
will be heavier instead of going.
Good point.
Hey, what did that?
Hey, little darren yeah see you, bro.

(01:16:06):
How are you, brother?
How are you?
And like and holding thatyounger part of you in what it
was that he needed in thatmoment, which was and what you
experience is a sense of safetyin your nervous system to go ah
cool, you know, the, the, thecharge is gone, where you don't
have to hold that unnecessaryweight on your shoulders of the

(01:16:26):
pressure of that boy, you know,worried about things going to
fuck up or no one showing up.

Darren (01:16:31):
Big thank you, brother.
This is amazing, thank you.

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#282 Ryan Moresby - Why Most Men NEVER Reach Their Goals (Fix This Now!)

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}#282 Ryan Moresby - Why Most Men NEVER Reach Their Goals (Fix This Now!)