November 21, 2025 • 24 mins
Holiday tables can be tender ground when you’re parenting from two homes. We dig into practical, child-first strategies to keep Thanksgiving calm and drama-free, and be connected to the people that although they are being nosey...probably care a lot too. From boundary-setting texts you can send before you arrive to on-the-spot scripts that shut down gossip, comparisons, and invasive questions, this conversation gives you the exact words and plans you need.
We start by reframing the season around regulation and safety, then map out how to brief relatives, protect kids from loyalty binds, and redirect when someone slips. You’ll hear short, repeatable lines to keep adult topics off the menu, ways to validate a loved one’s concern without unpacking the divorce at the table, and gentle non-answers you can use when asked about dating, custody, or who “got the house.” We also cover how to introduce a new partner thoughtfully and how to intervene when family tries to extract details from your child or compare “mom’s house vs dad’s house.”
As the day unfolds, structure matters. You’ll learn when to shorten visits, arrive just for dinner, or create new, simpler traditions that meet your bandwidth. We share quick, neutral responses for kids’ questions about split holidays and guidance on saving deeper conversations for a calmer moment. If you’re attending solo this year, these same scripts protect your peace and model healthy boundaries. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s steady, grounded presence and a holiday your child remembers for comfort, not conflict.
If this resonates, subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more moms can find these tools. Want deeper support, scripts, and coaching? Join our Kids First Co-Parenting membership at LearnwithLittleHouse.com and use code ProtectKids at checkout
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:05):
Welcome to the Kids First Co-Parenting Podcast, the
podcast for smart, intentional,millennial moms raising
resilient kids after separationand divorce.
I'm Dr.
Carolyn Royster, a childpsychologist coach, and a mom.
After thousands of therapy hourswith kids caught in the middle
of high-conflict households, I'mhere to help moms like you do it
(00:29):
differently.
From peaceful co-parenting tototal chaos, I've got you.
Here we talk boundaries,regulation, and how to raise a
great kid, even if your ex isbeyond difficult.
We blend science with real life,and as always, keep focused
where it matters on raisinggreat kids.
This is Kids First Co-Parenting.
(00:55):
Thanksgiving after divorcebrings two kinds of visitors.
The people who knew you beforeand the people who just arrived.
Both stir grief and ask messyand awkward and invasive
questions.
On today's episode, we're goingto keep it really simple and
work on child first boundaries,scripts, and a plan that you can
(01:18):
plan ahead of time for how tohandle these really difficult
conversations around theThanksgiving table.
I am so happy you're here.
Thanks for joining me againtoday.
We are diving deep today intowhat I'm going to call our
holiday series because theholidays when you are separated
(01:43):
or divorced can bring just a lotof stuff for our kids and a lot
of stuff for you.
These next couple of weeks, overthe end of the year, we're going
to really dive deep into some ofthe very specific issues that
come up for kids from two homes,particularly those that are
higher conflict, around theholidays.
(02:07):
Today's episode is really goingto focus on extended family.
I kind of chuckle because, ofcourse, that's a huge issue, and
I couldn't get to all of ittoday, even if I wanted to.
However, I want to give you sometools and some guides on how to
handle extended family aroundholidays like Thanksgiving.
(02:29):
Because this is a Novemberepisode, I am going to heavily
focus on Thanksgiving.
Obviously, I'm aware noteverybody celebrates that.
For me personally, it is a bigday.
We love Thanksgiving in ourhouse.
I love to cook.
It's a whole, it's a wholeaffair.
And I really, I really treasurethat holiday.
(02:52):
I have had moms in themembership talk about the
difficulties and the grief forthem around not celebrating some
of these holidays that theytreasure so much with their
children.
And so we'll talk about your owngrief as a parent.
We'll talk about handling yourchildren's grief.
We'll talk about nosy familymembers, out-of-place questions,
(03:16):
and difficult questions fromyour kids over the course of the
next several episodes throughthe end of the year.
We're entering pretty heavy-dutyholiday season here.
By the end of this episode, myhope for you is that you will
have a little bit better idea orhave thought ahead a little bit
(03:38):
about how to handle extendedfamily and friends at
Thanksgiving, what to say aboutnew partners, what to say about
old relatives, and how torespond to comments and
questions, and how to have thisreally rich, beautiful family
(04:01):
time without bringinginappropriate topics to the
table, quite literally, to thetable when little ones are
listening.
I mean, a lot of times these areholidays where you see someone
maybe once or twice a year.
They genuinely care about youand they want to know how are
you doing?
Are you seeing anybody?
(04:21):
Uh, what was that divorce like?
How are you hanging in there?
Right.
And those are beautifulquestions.
And we invite you to be honestand vulnerable, of course, with
your family and close friends.
But of course, when there'slittle ears around, you have to
be a little bit more thoughtful.
And if they're literally sittingat the table, or even if they're
at the kids' table next to you,you really have to be
(04:44):
thoughtful.
The first tip that I have foryou around Thanksgiving and
holidays in general, Christmasdinner, Hanukkah dinner,
whatever it is you'recelebrating, is I really want
you to think about setting yourboundaries and setting your
rules and doing so early.
So at the table, when yourmother brings up your ex is not
(05:10):
the first time that you shouldbe having a conversation with
her about how and what you'rewilling to talk about.
So it may be really helpful ifyou're going as a guest or if
you're hosting to send somethingahead of time, whether it be a
text or an email or a phoneconversation where you just say,
(05:31):
like, hey, look, I know thingshave been awful.
I know you have walked with methrough some really hard stuff
with my co-parent.
I know how you feel about them.
Please try really hard when thekids are around to be pretty
neutral and to keep yourlanguage respectful.
That in itself is an example ofsetting a really clean, clear
(05:52):
boundary.
Okay.
You're saying to your sister, toyour cousin, whoever it might
be, I love you.
I appreciate that you have myback.
I know we have had thesevulnerable conversations, and I
know I've shared a lot with you,but I need you to know that this
type of conversation that wetypically have around this can't
happen in front of my kids.
(06:14):
Trying to really keep it prettyclear what is okay and what's
not.
If you know somebody is going tobe like, well, you know, he's
such this and he's such that,and I can't believe she's doing
this to you or he's doing thisto you, that might be a little
bit of a more directconversation to have ahead of
time.
Something along the lines of, Iknow you get really defensive.
(06:37):
I know you have a lot to say.
We, you know, I want to hearthat, but not at Thanksgiving.
Okay.
Um, if you're gonna have a newpartner attend, maybe you're
dating again, maybe this is thefirst holidays you're sharing
your family or this experiencewith them.
I recommend giving everybody aheads up so it's not like, oh my
(07:01):
gosh.
And even just as they meet thenew person, they're not saying
things like, I never liked thatguy anyway, and you're so much
better looking, or you're somuch kinder.
And it may be that you haven'tshared the full extent of what
happened with your ex with thisperson.
And so you might want to setsome boundaries too.
(07:23):
Things like, we're just gonna doquick introductions today, or
like, we don't need to go intoall the family history and drama
today.
Thanks, mom.
You know, that kind of thing canbe really, really helpful.
It may be helpful for you as aparent, as a mom, to journal
(07:43):
before you go, to maybe write alittle like sticky note, a
little whiteboard note, a littlenote on the mirror.
I like to keep notes on myphone.
So maybe a little note on yourphone that just says, like, keep
it focused on the kids.
You don't need to talk aboutyour ex today.
You know, things like that thatcan help you stay grounded as
you're going.
(08:03):
Point number two, how are yougonna handle when the inevitable
comments come up about your ex?
My family, as many of you know,is from the Midwest.
There's often a decent amount ofalcohol and food and football
and games.
We also like to play, you know,games after dinner and stuff.
(08:26):
And as people get morecomfortable with one another,
and as they get more comfortablewith each other, sometimes as
the day progresses for variousreasons, their filters might go
down a little bit.
Your filter might go down alittle bit.
What you need to have ready togo is how you're gonna shut down
(08:48):
conversations that happen in aneffort to protect your kids.
Because remember, this is allabout making sure the kids are
not overhearing other peoplecomment about their dad or their
parent.
When you hear disparagement, youneed to have a phrase ready to
go.
Get a paper and pen ready.
If you want to write this down,you can.
(09:10):
You might do something like, Weare trying really hard to not
talk bad about so and so.
This one I love.
It's a little Thanksgiving punfor you.
So we're trying to keep adulttopics off the menu today.
Kind of funny, right?
This is Dr.
Royster coming in to you to letyou know, my wonderful
(09:33):
listeners, that we've made somereally exciting changes to the
kids first co-parenting system.
Because co-parenting with adifficult ex is not something
that you go through a programand you come out the other side
and it just magically works.
That's not how this works,unfortunately.
And so we've revamped the kidsfirst co-parenting system to be
(09:55):
a membership.
Come in, get your first monthhalf off, get all the lessons,
get your video coaching with thegroup and myself, of course.
Stay as many months as you need.
Use the code ProtectKids atcheckout at
learnwithlittlehouse.com andjoin us.
(10:15):
Get the support you know thatyou need.
We are here for you.
We're inside the community.
We've made it a membership sothat it can be so much more
accessible and affordable formoms just like you.
Join us today.
And then I think it's importantto see these comments in some
ways for what they are, which ina lot of ways is someone trying
(10:36):
to be supportive of you.
They're trying to validate you,like this was really messed up,
what you went through.
Or I love you so much, and I'mstill like pretty angry on your
behalf.
And so I think it is helpful toadd a little piece when you're
talking to folks about how youyou would like to talk to them
about it another time, but justnow is not the appropriate time.
(10:59):
That's the boundary you'resetting.
You may pull them aside and justbe like, look, I actually do
really want to talk to you aboutthis.
And I do want to share with you,but I just I really can't right
now.
Let's set up a coffee date fornext week, or I'll give you a
call later and tell youeverything that happened, or
I'll send you a Voxer or a polo.
I use Marco Polo, but that typeof thing.
(11:22):
If there's prying, it's, youknow, there's a couple
strategies you can use.
Sometimes people will come backwith kind of a funny quip or a
response, just kind of like,wow, you know, I haven't even
had my dessert yet.
And you're asking me about this.
You know, this kind of clear,but not so clear.
If you need to be really direct,you can say things like, I'd
(11:45):
prefer not to talk about that ata family meal.
We can touch base about itlater.
Let's say that it's more, you'remore picking up on a relative or
a friend that's trying to kindof put your kid in a weird
position, either asking thechild for too much information
or sort of putting them in aposition of comparing your two
(12:08):
homes.
And this can be really subtle.
This can be things like, well,your dad never liked
Thanksgiving and we're all here,and it's, you know, your mom
loves having you here, or aren'tyou happy you can be with mom
this year, kiddo?
Really subtle things, but youstill, as the mom, kind of need
to step in to make sure yourchild isn't being made to feel
(12:30):
as though they need to choose,or that it's wrong or bad, or
somehow betraying you if they ifthey do miss their dad or they
do wish they were with dad, thatit can be both things.
They can be having a great timewith you and your family, and
also really missing your ex, orreally missing parts of your ex,
(12:51):
or not missing them at all.
The point here is that it's noneof this extended family's
business, and it's not theirplace when you are being so
thoughtful about trying not toput your kid in these weird
positions.
You very likely will have to bekind of direct with folks around
(13:12):
how they can also not put yourchildren in these tough
positions where they feel likethey need to choose or say
something negative about oneparent or kind of anything in
that ballpark.
A common one around Thanksgivingand Christmas, for example, is
oh, well, your mom getsThanksgiving, but she doesn't
get you on Christmas.
(13:32):
Some sort of comparison betweenthe two holidays.
Some families really likeThanksgiving, some families
really prefer Christmas.
And I'm just using these two.
I'm obviously, you know,Hanukkah, Kwanza, there's many
different important holidays,but sort of comparing, oh well,
this year, you know, we get thedud holiday and your dad gets
the good holiday, or whatever itmight be.
(13:53):
And so again, it's these verysubtle, often sort of
well-intentioned comments, butthese ones are a little bit less
well-intentioned, I would say.
And so you may have to have aphrase really ready to go,
something along the lines of,you know, we really don't ask
her to compare our two homes orhow each family does
Thanksgiving or what they do onThanksgiving.
(14:14):
Uh, let's talk about thefootball game or let's talk
about how much, and you couldcome up with something crazy,
very off task, but the point isthat you're sending a clear
message to this person of, we'renot talking about that.
Let's talk about literallyanything else.
(14:35):
Let's talk about the pie.
Let's talk about your wish listfor the holidays, let's talk
about your school concert comingup, just changing the subject
very clearly on behalf of yourkiddo.
But they also get the benefit ofhearing you say, we are not
asking you to do this, right?
Even if I, as your mom, subtlyam putting you in that position,
(14:55):
I do want you to hear me saythat I'm trying hard to not put
you in the position of needingto feel torn between the two of
us.
Let's talk about this.
Answering awkward, invasivequestions from relatives in
particular, potentially aboutthings that you do not maybe
(15:16):
want to share with your kids orwish to share with your kids, or
is appropriate to share withyour kids.
Things like, are you seeinganyone?
Who got the house?
Does is he has he moved on yet?
Is he dating someone else?
Uh, oh, I heard she's pregnant.
You know, any sort of thing thatyou're kind of like, I don't
(15:37):
want to go into this.
You want to do just a verygentle non-answer.
So things like, I'm taking mytime.
Today I'm here just to celebratebeing together and I want to
hang out with you.
Didn't really answer yourquestion.
Or, you know, it's somethingI've started to think about, but
(15:58):
I really want to focus today onspending time with my nieces and
nephews, who I don't get to seevery often.
It's a very kind of gentle andclear way of saying we're not
going there.
We're not talking about this.
If the question is a little morepressing, I would redirect it
very similarly to what we talkedabout before.
(16:18):
You might even be like, yeah,there is some stuff to tell you
there, but I can't really gointo it right now.
We can talk about it later.
Or that's really not aconversation I'm gonna have
right now or today.
But when we hang out later orafter the kids go back to dads,
I'm happy to chat with you aboutsome of what's been going on or
how things how things happened.
(16:40):
Really, really neutral, as ifyour child is standing next to
you, essentially.
(17:48):
If the awkward or difficultquestions come from your kids,
those are a little bit of um abigger topic, and we will talk
about that in this holidayseries.
But I want to give you kind of aquick answer if you're
struggling with this, you know,next week at Thanksgiving.
Something along the lines ofright now we split up our
(18:10):
holidays.
You're gonna see dad tonight, oryou're gonna see him tomorrow,
or he's gonna have youThanksgiving Eve, and you guys
are gonna go to yourgrandparents.
You're gonna have that greatstuffing that your grandma
makes, and then we'll betogether with Nana and Peppa on
Thursday for Thanksgiving.
Plenty of time for you tocelebrate with everybody you
(18:31):
care about.
You may use it to have a deeperconversation at another time.
If your child is asking youthings such as, why did you get
divorced?
I heard it was your fault, dadwanted to stay married and you
didn't, and now we have tocelebrate Thanksgiving
separately, that's gonna alertyour brain that we need to have
(18:52):
a different, deeperconversation.
You may go back and listen tothe two narratives episode or
the tough questions, but we'lltalk more about how to address
that specifically in regards toholidays in our coming episodes.
So the other major, kind of theoverarching theme, the last tip
(19:13):
that I want to leave you with isyour kids' regulation and
well-being comes before allelse.
And so if that means thatinstead of spending the whole
day at your parents' house forThanksgiving, you decide we're
gonna spend half the day orwe're gonna come at dinner and
we're gonna stay for dinner andthen we're gonna go.
(19:36):
Or if that that might mean wedecide not to go because my
brother's gonna be there and mybrother can't keep his mouth
shut and he says all kinds ofcrazy stuff.
And so this year we're gonna doour own tradition.
If that means you have to stepin and say something you've
never said to anybody before,right?
Your crazy grandpa who runs hismouth and says wild shit that
(19:58):
you typically are just like,wow, that was a grandpa,
whatever.
This year you may have to belike, hey gramps, we're not
doing that.
You need to keep your mouth shutor we're gonna have to leave.
You probably wouldn't say itlike that.
Most people wouldn't.
Um again, I can get a littlefeisty.
However, I'm giving youpermission to really think less
(20:21):
with these kinds of oldnarratives that sometimes happen
around holidays, such as this ishow we've always done it, this
is the unspoken expectation,that's just the way my family
is, that's just the way myextended family is, this is the
way we've always done it, thisis the way we're always gonna do
it.
(20:41):
Those sorts of things I give youpermission to dismiss if it's
what's best for your kid.
Okay.
It's one day, it's one holiday.
It may be that you this yearmake a decision to do something
different and you desperatelymiss the way it was, and that's
okay.
Next year you can do itdifferent.
(21:02):
You are allowed to change, youare allowed to say things and do
things to keep your kids feelinggood during this very tender
time.
They're in grief and holidaysbring up a lot of grief.
Okay.
And so if you need to do thingsa little bit different, do them
a little different, you know?
(21:22):
If you want them to be able toplay on their iPads so you can
cook dinner with your mombecause you really need that
this year, and it's like whatyour heart and soul needs, then
do it.
You need to be regulated, theyneed to be regulated.
And that may involve a couplepretty courageous conversations
on your part, but I believe thatit will benefit you as you do
(21:46):
that and as they see you tryingto protect their peace as well
and to protect their regulation.
I mean, in some ways, separationand divorce gives you permission
to do things differently thanperhaps you've done for several
years.
This is the chance to be like,well, you know, I don't have to
drive to that one place anymorethat I hated going.
(22:09):
Or there's no reason we have toget out of our bed and put on,
you know, make a big brunchThanksgiving morning before we
go to this other place.
Like, I don't want to do that.
I want to get donuts and I wantto stay in our pajamas and watch
a movie.
And then we're ready, we'll goover to so-and-so's house.
In some ways, the big changes inyour family can make changing
(22:29):
your holiday routine a littlebit different and a little bit,
a little bit better.
These boundaries that I wentthrough today can also be
helpful if you're spending theholidays without your kids and
you're used to having themthere.
It's really easy for us to putboundaries in place when it
comes to our kids.
It's not as easy for ourselves.
(22:50):
But you can use a lot of thesescripts for yourself as well.
If you're solo at Thanksgivingand you're used to being there
with your ex and all your kids,and your weird uncle comes over
and starts asking you all thesedetailed questions and you don't
want to answer them, you canstill use this script.
You can still say, you know, I'myeah, I'm I am healing, but I
(23:13):
don't really want to talk aboutthat today.
Can we talk about how your newjob is going?
You get to decide, is what I'mbasically saying.
As always, I'm very gratefulyou're here.
We're here to support you.
If you're interested in themembership, please check the
show notes for a special codefor podcast listeners.
(23:34):
If you have questions, send themin to me, and I will see you on
the next episode.
Thanks, my friends.
Thanks so much for listening tothis episode of Kids First
Co-Parenting.
The best way you can support theshow is by following, rating,
and reviewing wherever youlisten to podcasts, and by
(23:54):
sharing it with another mom whocould use the support.
You can also connect with me onInstagram and Facebook at Learn
with Little House, where I sharedaily tips and encouragement for
moms raising kids through highconflict divorce.
And if you're ready to go deepand get more tools, scripts,
personalized support, andcoaching, come join us inside
the Kids First co parentingcommunity.
(24:16):
You'll find the details atLearnwithLittlehouse.com.
Until next time, remember yourkids don't need you to be
perfect.
They just need you to be steadyand grounded, and as always, to
put them first.
Thanks for being here.
Welcome to the Kids First Co-Parenting Podcast, the
podcast for smart, intentional,millennial moms raising
resilient kids after separationand divorce.
I'm Dr.
Carolyn Royster, a childpsychologist coach, and a mom.
After thousands of therapy hourswith kids caught in the middle
of high-conflict households, I'mhere to help moms like you do it
(00:29):
differently.
From peaceful co-parenting tototal chaos, I've got you.
Here we talk boundaries,regulation, and how to raise a
great kid, even if your ex isbeyond difficult.
We blend science with real life,and as always, keep focused
where it matters on raisinggreat kids.
This is Kids First Co-Parenting.
(00:55):
Thanksgiving after divorcebrings two kinds of visitors.
The people who knew you beforeand the people who just arrived.
Both stir grief and ask messyand awkward and invasive
questions.
On today's episode, we're goingto keep it really simple and
work on child first boundaries,scripts, and a plan that you can
(01:18):
plan ahead of time for how tohandle these really difficult
conversations around theThanksgiving table.
I am so happy you're here.
Thanks for joining me againtoday.
We are diving deep today intowhat I'm going to call our
holiday series because theholidays when you are separated
(01:43):
or divorced can bring just a lotof stuff for our kids and a lot
of stuff for you.
These next couple of weeks, overthe end of the year, we're going
to really dive deep into some ofthe very specific issues that
come up for kids from two homes,particularly those that are
higher conflict, around theholidays.
(02:07):
Today's episode is really goingto focus on extended family.
I kind of chuckle because, ofcourse, that's a huge issue, and
I couldn't get to all of ittoday, even if I wanted to.
However, I want to give you sometools and some guides on how to
handle extended family aroundholidays like Thanksgiving.
(02:29):
Because this is a Novemberepisode, I am going to heavily
focus on Thanksgiving.
Obviously, I'm aware noteverybody celebrates that.
For me personally, it is a bigday.
We love Thanksgiving in ourhouse.
I love to cook.
It's a whole, it's a wholeaffair.
And I really, I really treasurethat holiday.
(02:52):
I have had moms in themembership talk about the
difficulties and the grief forthem around not celebrating some
of these holidays that theytreasure so much with their
children.
And so we'll talk about your owngrief as a parent.
We'll talk about handling yourchildren's grief.
We'll talk about nosy familymembers, out-of-place questions,
(03:16):
and difficult questions fromyour kids over the course of the
next several episodes throughthe end of the year.
We're entering pretty heavy-dutyholiday season here.
By the end of this episode, myhope for you is that you will
have a little bit better idea orhave thought ahead a little bit
(03:38):
about how to handle extendedfamily and friends at
Thanksgiving, what to say aboutnew partners, what to say about
old relatives, and how torespond to comments and
questions, and how to have thisreally rich, beautiful family
(04:01):
time without bringinginappropriate topics to the
table, quite literally, to thetable when little ones are
listening.
I mean, a lot of times these areholidays where you see someone
maybe once or twice a year.
They genuinely care about youand they want to know how are
you doing?
Are you seeing anybody?
(04:21):
Uh, what was that divorce like?
How are you hanging in there?
Right.
And those are beautifulquestions.
And we invite you to be honestand vulnerable, of course, with
your family and close friends.
But of course, when there'slittle ears around, you have to
be a little bit more thoughtful.
And if they're literally sittingat the table, or even if they're
at the kids' table next to you,you really have to be
(04:44):
thoughtful.
The first tip that I have foryou around Thanksgiving and
holidays in general, Christmasdinner, Hanukkah dinner,
whatever it is you'recelebrating, is I really want
you to think about setting yourboundaries and setting your
rules and doing so early.
So at the table, when yourmother brings up your ex is not
(05:10):
the first time that you shouldbe having a conversation with
her about how and what you'rewilling to talk about.
So it may be really helpful ifyou're going as a guest or if
you're hosting to send somethingahead of time, whether it be a
text or an email or a phoneconversation where you just say,
(05:31):
like, hey, look, I know thingshave been awful.
I know you have walked with methrough some really hard stuff
with my co-parent.
I know how you feel about them.
Please try really hard when thekids are around to be pretty
neutral and to keep yourlanguage respectful.
That in itself is an example ofsetting a really clean, clear
(05:52):
boundary.
Okay.
You're saying to your sister, toyour cousin, whoever it might
be, I love you.
I appreciate that you have myback.
I know we have had thesevulnerable conversations, and I
know I've shared a lot with you,but I need you to know that this
type of conversation that wetypically have around this can't
happen in front of my kids.
(06:14):
Trying to really keep it prettyclear what is okay and what's
not.
If you know somebody is going tobe like, well, you know, he's
such this and he's such that,and I can't believe she's doing
this to you or he's doing thisto you, that might be a little
bit of a more directconversation to have ahead of
time.
Something along the lines of, Iknow you get really defensive.
(06:37):
I know you have a lot to say.
We, you know, I want to hearthat, but not at Thanksgiving.
Okay.
Um, if you're gonna have a newpartner attend, maybe you're
dating again, maybe this is thefirst holidays you're sharing
your family or this experiencewith them.
I recommend giving everybody aheads up so it's not like, oh my
(07:01):
gosh.
And even just as they meet thenew person, they're not saying
things like, I never liked thatguy anyway, and you're so much
better looking, or you're somuch kinder.
And it may be that you haven'tshared the full extent of what
happened with your ex with thisperson.
And so you might want to setsome boundaries too.
(07:23):
Things like, we're just gonna doquick introductions today, or
like, we don't need to go intoall the family history and drama
today.
Thanks, mom.
You know, that kind of thing canbe really, really helpful.
It may be helpful for you as aparent, as a mom, to journal
(07:43):
before you go, to maybe write alittle like sticky note, a
little whiteboard note, a littlenote on the mirror.
I like to keep notes on myphone.
So maybe a little note on yourphone that just says, like, keep
it focused on the kids.
You don't need to talk aboutyour ex today.
You know, things like that thatcan help you stay grounded as
you're going.
(08:03):
Point number two, how are yougonna handle when the inevitable
comments come up about your ex?
My family, as many of you know,is from the Midwest.
There's often a decent amount ofalcohol and food and football
and games.
We also like to play, you know,games after dinner and stuff.
(08:26):
And as people get morecomfortable with one another,
and as they get more comfortablewith each other, sometimes as
the day progresses for variousreasons, their filters might go
down a little bit.
Your filter might go down alittle bit.
What you need to have ready togo is how you're gonna shut down
(08:48):
conversations that happen in aneffort to protect your kids.
Because remember, this is allabout making sure the kids are
not overhearing other peoplecomment about their dad or their
parent.
When you hear disparagement, youneed to have a phrase ready to
go.
Get a paper and pen ready.
If you want to write this down,you can.
(09:10):
You might do something like, Weare trying really hard to not
talk bad about so and so.
This one I love.
It's a little Thanksgiving punfor you.
So we're trying to keep adulttopics off the menu today.
Kind of funny, right?
This is Dr.
Royster coming in to you to letyou know, my wonderful
(09:33):
listeners, that we've made somereally exciting changes to the
kids first co-parenting system.
Because co-parenting with adifficult ex is not something
that you go through a programand you come out the other side
and it just magically works.
That's not how this works,unfortunately.
And so we've revamped the kidsfirst co-parenting system to be
(09:55):
a membership.
Come in, get your first monthhalf off, get all the lessons,
get your video coaching with thegroup and myself, of course.
Stay as many months as you need.
Use the code ProtectKids atcheckout at
learnwithlittlehouse.com andjoin us.
(10:15):
Get the support you know thatyou need.
We are here for you.
We're inside the community.
We've made it a membership sothat it can be so much more
accessible and affordable formoms just like you.
Join us today.
And then I think it's importantto see these comments in some
ways for what they are, which ina lot of ways is someone trying
(10:36):
to be supportive of you.
They're trying to validate you,like this was really messed up,
what you went through.
Or I love you so much, and I'mstill like pretty angry on your
behalf.
And so I think it is helpful toadd a little piece when you're
talking to folks about how youyou would like to talk to them
about it another time, but justnow is not the appropriate time.
(10:59):
That's the boundary you'resetting.
You may pull them aside and justbe like, look, I actually do
really want to talk to you aboutthis.
And I do want to share with you,but I just I really can't right
now.
Let's set up a coffee date fornext week, or I'll give you a
call later and tell youeverything that happened, or
I'll send you a Voxer or a polo.
I use Marco Polo, but that typeof thing.
(11:22):
If there's prying, it's, youknow, there's a couple
strategies you can use.
Sometimes people will come backwith kind of a funny quip or a
response, just kind of like,wow, you know, I haven't even
had my dessert yet.
And you're asking me about this.
You know, this kind of clear,but not so clear.
If you need to be really direct,you can say things like, I'd
(11:45):
prefer not to talk about that ata family meal.
We can touch base about itlater.
Let's say that it's more, you'remore picking up on a relative or
a friend that's trying to kindof put your kid in a weird
position, either asking thechild for too much information
or sort of putting them in aposition of comparing your two
(12:08):
homes.
And this can be really subtle.
This can be things like, well,your dad never liked
Thanksgiving and we're all here,and it's, you know, your mom
loves having you here, or aren'tyou happy you can be with mom
this year, kiddo?
Really subtle things, but youstill, as the mom, kind of need
to step in to make sure yourchild isn't being made to feel
(12:30):
as though they need to choose,or that it's wrong or bad, or
somehow betraying you if they ifthey do miss their dad or they
do wish they were with dad, thatit can be both things.
They can be having a great timewith you and your family, and
also really missing your ex, orreally missing parts of your ex,
(12:51):
or not missing them at all.
The point here is that it's noneof this extended family's
business, and it's not theirplace when you are being so
thoughtful about trying not toput your kid in these weird
positions.
You very likely will have to bekind of direct with folks around
(13:12):
how they can also not put yourchildren in these tough
positions where they feel likethey need to choose or say
something negative about oneparent or kind of anything in
that ballpark.
A common one around Thanksgivingand Christmas, for example, is
oh, well, your mom getsThanksgiving, but she doesn't
get you on Christmas.
(13:32):
Some sort of comparison betweenthe two holidays.
Some families really likeThanksgiving, some families
really prefer Christmas.
And I'm just using these two.
I'm obviously, you know,Hanukkah, Kwanza, there's many
different important holidays,but sort of comparing, oh well,
this year, you know, we get thedud holiday and your dad gets
the good holiday, or whatever itmight be.
(13:53):
And so again, it's these verysubtle, often sort of
well-intentioned comments, butthese ones are a little bit less
well-intentioned, I would say.
And so you may have to have aphrase really ready to go,
something along the lines of,you know, we really don't ask
her to compare our two homes orhow each family does
Thanksgiving or what they do onThanksgiving.
(14:14):
Uh, let's talk about thefootball game or let's talk
about how much, and you couldcome up with something crazy,
very off task, but the point isthat you're sending a clear
message to this person of, we'renot talking about that.
Let's talk about literallyanything else.
(14:35):
Let's talk about the pie.
Let's talk about your wish listfor the holidays, let's talk
about your school concert comingup, just changing the subject
very clearly on behalf of yourkiddo.
But they also get the benefit ofhearing you say, we are not
asking you to do this, right?
Even if I, as your mom, subtlyam putting you in that position,
(14:55):
I do want you to hear me saythat I'm trying hard to not put
you in the position of needingto feel torn between the two of
us.
Let's talk about this.
Answering awkward, invasivequestions from relatives in
particular, potentially aboutthings that you do not maybe
(15:16):
want to share with your kids orwish to share with your kids, or
is appropriate to share withyour kids.
Things like, are you seeinganyone?
Who got the house?
Does is he has he moved on yet?
Is he dating someone else?
Uh, oh, I heard she's pregnant.
You know, any sort of thing thatyou're kind of like, I don't
(15:37):
want to go into this.
You want to do just a verygentle non-answer.
So things like, I'm taking mytime.
Today I'm here just to celebratebeing together and I want to
hang out with you.
Didn't really answer yourquestion.
Or, you know, it's somethingI've started to think about, but
(15:58):
I really want to focus today onspending time with my nieces and
nephews, who I don't get to seevery often.
It's a very kind of gentle andclear way of saying we're not
going there.
We're not talking about this.
If the question is a little morepressing, I would redirect it
very similarly to what we talkedabout before.
(16:18):
You might even be like, yeah,there is some stuff to tell you
there, but I can't really gointo it right now.
We can talk about it later.
Or that's really not aconversation I'm gonna have
right now or today.
But when we hang out later orafter the kids go back to dads,
I'm happy to chat with you aboutsome of what's been going on or
how things how things happened.
(16:40):
Really, really neutral, as ifyour child is standing next to
you, essentially.
(17:48):
If the awkward or difficultquestions come from your kids,
those are a little bit of um abigger topic, and we will talk
about that in this holidayseries.
But I want to give you kind of aquick answer if you're
struggling with this, you know,next week at Thanksgiving.
Something along the lines ofright now we split up our
(18:10):
holidays.
You're gonna see dad tonight, oryou're gonna see him tomorrow,
or he's gonna have youThanksgiving Eve, and you guys
are gonna go to yourgrandparents.
You're gonna have that greatstuffing that your grandma
makes, and then we'll betogether with Nana and Peppa on
Thursday for Thanksgiving.
Plenty of time for you tocelebrate with everybody you
(18:31):
care about.
You may use it to have a deeperconversation at another time.
If your child is asking youthings such as, why did you get
divorced?
I heard it was your fault, dadwanted to stay married and you
didn't, and now we have tocelebrate Thanksgiving
separately, that's gonna alertyour brain that we need to have
(18:52):
a different, deeperconversation.
You may go back and listen tothe two narratives episode or
the tough questions, but we'lltalk more about how to address
that specifically in regards toholidays in our coming episodes.
So the other major, kind of theoverarching theme, the last tip
(19:13):
that I want to leave you with isyour kids' regulation and
well-being comes before allelse.
And so if that means thatinstead of spending the whole
day at your parents' house forThanksgiving, you decide we're
gonna spend half the day orwe're gonna come at dinner and
we're gonna stay for dinner andthen we're gonna go.
(19:36):
Or if that that might mean wedecide not to go because my
brother's gonna be there and mybrother can't keep his mouth
shut and he says all kinds ofcrazy stuff.
And so this year we're gonna doour own tradition.
If that means you have to stepin and say something you've
never said to anybody before,right?
Your crazy grandpa who runs hismouth and says wild shit that
(19:58):
you typically are just like,wow, that was a grandpa,
whatever.
This year you may have to belike, hey gramps, we're not
doing that.
You need to keep your mouth shutor we're gonna have to leave.
You probably wouldn't say itlike that.
Most people wouldn't.
Um again, I can get a littlefeisty.
However, I'm giving youpermission to really think less
(20:21):
with these kinds of oldnarratives that sometimes happen
around holidays, such as this ishow we've always done it, this
is the unspoken expectation,that's just the way my family
is, that's just the way myextended family is, this is the
way we've always done it, thisis the way we're always gonna do
it.
(20:41):
Those sorts of things I give youpermission to dismiss if it's
what's best for your kid.
Okay.
It's one day, it's one holiday.
It may be that you this yearmake a decision to do something
different and you desperatelymiss the way it was, and that's
okay.
Next year you can do itdifferent.
(21:02):
You are allowed to change, youare allowed to say things and do
things to keep your kids feelinggood during this very tender
time.
They're in grief and holidaysbring up a lot of grief.
Okay.
And so if you need to do thingsa little bit different, do them
a little different, you know?
(21:22):
If you want them to be able toplay on their iPads so you can
cook dinner with your mombecause you really need that
this year, and it's like whatyour heart and soul needs, then
do it.
You need to be regulated, theyneed to be regulated.
And that may involve a couplepretty courageous conversations
on your part, but I believe thatit will benefit you as you do
(21:46):
that and as they see you tryingto protect their peace as well
and to protect their regulation.
I mean, in some ways, separationand divorce gives you permission
to do things differently thanperhaps you've done for several
years.
This is the chance to be like,well, you know, I don't have to
drive to that one place anymorethat I hated going.
(22:09):
Or there's no reason we have toget out of our bed and put on,
you know, make a big brunchThanksgiving morning before we
go to this other place.
Like, I don't want to do that.
I want to get donuts and I wantto stay in our pajamas and watch
a movie.
And then we're ready, we'll goover to so-and-so's house.
In some ways, the big changes inyour family can make changing
(22:29):
your holiday routine a littlebit different and a little bit,
a little bit better.
These boundaries that I wentthrough today can also be
helpful if you're spending theholidays without your kids and
you're used to having themthere.
It's really easy for us to putboundaries in place when it
comes to our kids.
It's not as easy for ourselves.
(22:50):
But you can use a lot of thesescripts for yourself as well.
If you're solo at Thanksgivingand you're used to being there
with your ex and all your kids,and your weird uncle comes over
and starts asking you all thesedetailed questions and you don't
want to answer them, you canstill use this script.
You can still say, you know, I'myeah, I'm I am healing, but I
(23:13):
don't really want to talk aboutthat today.
Can we talk about how your newjob is going?
You get to decide, is what I'mbasically saying.
As always, I'm very gratefulyou're here.
We're here to support you.
If you're interested in themembership, please check the
show notes for a special codefor podcast listeners.
(23:34):
If you have questions, send themin to me, and I will see you on
the next episode.
Thanks, my friends.
Thanks so much for listening tothis episode of Kids First
Co-Parenting.
The best way you can support theshow is by following, rating,
and reviewing wherever youlisten to podcasts, and by
(23:54):
sharing it with another mom whocould use the support.
You can also connect with me onInstagram and Facebook at Learn
with Little House, where I sharedaily tips and encouragement for
moms raising kids through highconflict divorce.
And if you're ready to go deepand get more tools, scripts,
personalized support, andcoaching, come join us inside
the Kids First co parentingcommunity.
(24:16):
You'll find the details atLearnwithLittlehouse.com.
Until next time, remember yourkids don't need you to be
perfect.
They just need you to be steadyand grounded, and as always, to
put them first.
Thanks for being here.
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