August 1, 2025 • 12 mins
Episode Summary:
We explore how to handle tough questions from your children about separation, divorce, or your past relationship in ways that are honest, developmentally appropriate, and emotionally supportive.
Key Points
• Understand what's driving your child's question before answering
• Validate their question first with phrases
• Gently assess why they might be asking
• Keep responses child-focused
• Respond directly to the underlying concern (like fear of losing your love)
Kids First CoParenting System: If you are co-parenting with a narcissist, dealing with a manipulative ex, or feeling overwhelmed by high-conflict dynamics, you are not alone. These resources are designed to help you protect your child’s emotional health and take back control of your co-parenting experience.
Get More Support
- How to Co-Parent with a Difficult Ex Masterclass (Free & Instant Access)
- High Conflict 3 day Communication Bootcamp for Moms
Explore the Kids First Co-Parenting System to learn how to raise emotionally secure kids after divorce, even when your co-parent refuses to change. This is the support system every overwhelmed mom needs.
Social Links:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to the Kids First Co-Parenting Podcast the
podcast for smart, intentional,millennial moms raising
resilient kids after separationand divorce.
I'm Dr Carolyn Royster, a childpsychologist coach and a mom.
After thousands of therapyhours with kids caught in the
middle of high conflicthouseholds, I'm here to help
moms like you do it differently,from peaceful co-parenting to
(00:29):
total chaos.
I've got you here.
We talk boundaries, regulationand how to raise a great kid,
even if your ex is beyonddifficult.
We blend science with real lifeand, as always, keep the focus
where it matters.
I'm raising great kids.
This is Kids First Co-Parenting.
Hello and welcome.
Today we are talking about whatto do when your kid is asking
(00:51):
you really difficult questionsabout your past relationship,
whether that be the separation,a divorce, or just about their
dad, right, or your co-parent.
How do you handle thesequestions in a way that is
honest but also isdevelopmentally appropriate, and
how do I provide that emotionalsafety and security that we're
(01:13):
always talking about when I'mgiving my kids answers to very
difficult questions, right?
Questions that are hard for youto answer, questions that are
difficult for you know, an adultbrain to understand, and so
we're going to really get intothe meat of this today.
You're going to walk away withhaving some really concrete
tools about how to respond tothese difficult questions and
(01:35):
then some follow-up items thatyou can work through if you need
even more support.
So questions such as you know,why did you guys break up?
Did you have an affair, mommy?
Such a great question.
What's an affair?
Can I call my dad's newgirlfriend mom?
Why not?
Why don't I call her mom?
(01:56):
Why isn't that person my actualbiological brother or sister?
What does that?
These are really commonquestions that kids are going to
have and they will come up.
You will get asked why you arenot together.
What happened?
There are a million books andresources out there.
Of course, inside my course, wehave a whole lesson on how do
(02:18):
you tell your kids that you'regoing to get a separation or
divorce, and the classic exampleis to say things like well, we
decided that your mom and I cando this better from two separate
houses when we're not togetherand we love you very much and
that doesn't change and I lovethat.
I think that's great advice.
I give that advice.
However, what we are talkingabout today on the podcast is
(02:41):
what do you do when thequestions get a little more deep
, they get a little bit harderto answer.
It's more like well, you know,if you were married and you
committed to love each otherforever, what changed right?
So, depending on the age ofyour child, these questions
could be quite different andquite difficult, quite honestly.
(03:01):
And so that is the tools that Iwant to give you today, and so
if you're listening to this, youmay want to listen back as we
talk through the strategies.
As always, our podcast is meantto be pretty bite-sized.
I always think about it likethe walk that I do with my dog
Finn.
It's about a mile and a half.
We do it in the evenings.
I love it when my podcastepisodes can kind of be around
(03:24):
that loop, or on my drive towork.
I get really into those longpodcasts that are like two hours
long, but they require a littlebit more of a time.
We want to give you quick anddirty tools that you can use,
like right now, when your kidasks you something on the way
home from school today, you'relike, oh shit, I don't know what
to do.
You pop on this episode andrevisit it anytime, and you
(03:45):
should have some really concretetools.
Okay, so, as always, the momsthat I work with and you
wouldn't be listening to thisunless you really did care a lot
about what's going on for yourchild that they're asking this
question, and that is tip numberone, okay.
So whenever I get asked aquestion that kind of throws me
off, either by my own childrenor kids that I'm working with in
(04:08):
the therapy practice, orclients of mine whose kids are
asking them something andthey're asking for my support,
the first thing you always wantto do is pause and think why are
they asking me this to startwith?
In other words, what's drivingthis behavior?
What's this about, right?
So for us and for you asco-parenting moms, you want to
(04:31):
be thinking is there somecontext here?
Are you asking me about ourdivorce because your dad has
just told you that he wants topropose to his girlfriend, or
because you're not feeling verysecure in my relationship with
you?
So you want to understandwhat's going on under the
(04:51):
question.
If a kid is asking a questionsuch as if you fell out of love
with dad, does that mean thatyou can fall out of love with
other people?
I would encourage you toconsider is that child worried
or wondering if you're going tofall out of love with them, and
I've had kids tell me this.
I've had kids say things likewell, if they can fall out of
love with them.
And I've had kids tell me this.
I've had kids say things likewell, if they can fall out of
(05:12):
love with each other, what's tostop them from falling out of
love with me?
Of course, that's just a knifethrough a mama's heart, isn't it
?
But that will help you know howto respond to the question.
If you know, underneath thatquestion of why did you fall out
of love with dad is actually awondering about if you're going
to fall out of love with me asyour child, then we respond
(05:34):
differently.
We may say something likethere's nothing you could ever
do that would make me not loveyou, and it's a little bit
different when you think aboutmarriages and relationships, and
then maybe leave it there.
Let's take that same questionnow why did you fall out of love
with dad?
And perhaps we're worried thatyour child is hearing something
(05:54):
along the lines of your mom madethis choice and she's the one
that did this to you at hishouse, in which case that
question has a little bit of adifferent meaning, doesn't it?
That question then becomes I'mtrying to sort out who's the
good guy and who's the bad guyhere, and I'm being told by
someone which they shouldn't be,but perhaps they are that
(06:15):
you're the bad guy In thatsituation.
You answer the questiondifferently, don't you?
So you then might respond tosomething like this question did
you fall out of love with dad?
You might say something likelove is a really complicated
thing, and it's really easy towant to know who did something
wrong to put our family in thisreally tough situation that
(06:37):
we're in, and I just want you toknow that that's a grown-up
discussion and we can revisitthat later.
But no one was really to blame,or we decided together.
You might hear differently,because sometimes, when people's
feelings are hurt, they saythings like that.
Again, how you respond?
That's your first tip.
You want to be thinking aboutwhat's underneath.
(06:58):
The second point so this leadsus to our next tip is that you
may not know the answer to that,and so it's important to have a
set of tools that you can useand you can pull out when you're
thinking gosh, I don't know whythey're asking me this.
This came out of the blue.
It's kind of a crazy question.
The first thing you always wantto do.
(07:18):
This is tip two is validate andassess.
So you want to validate.
Thanks for telling me that.
Thank you for asking me that.
I'm always interested to hearabout your questions.
I always wanna know what's onyour mind.
I really appreciate you tellingme that, or something along the
lines of it really makes sensethat you would wonder about that
.
I totally get it.
(07:39):
The very first thing is thatyou wanna be saying I get it.
I appreciate you asking mebecause we always want to
encourage them to be bringingtheir questions to you, bringing
their wonderings to you, sothat you can fill in the gaps
with age-appropriate information, rather than finding out some
crazy explanation from the kidsat school or the internet or
(07:59):
wherever kids get informationthese days when they don't know
the answers.
You want to praise that theybrought this to you.
That's a wonderful thing.
Then you might do some gentlewondering or some curiosities
around like huh, I wonder whyyou're asking me that.
Or it seems like you might havethat question because you
overheard a conversation.
(08:19):
Or I think you're wonderingabout this because we were at
the park the other day and wesaw that family together and
they were acting a little bitdifferent.
Is that what's going on?
Not interrogating, but myfavorite phrase you'll hear me
talk about it all the time isI'm wondering.
I'm wondering if this is whyyou're asking that question,
getting a little bit moreinformation.
(08:40):
And then, tip three I want youto always stay really, really
child-focused when you'reresponding to your kids.
We wanna Always stay really,really child focused when you're
responding to your kids.
We want to keep the focus onthem and what they need in that
moment.
So if you've already done stepsone and two, this is going to
be real easy and it's going toflow out of those two steps
really really well.
Okay.
So it's going to be pretty easyto keep the focus on them
(09:01):
because you know theunderpinning of why they're
asking this question.
You've already supported andvalidated and praised that.
They brought it to you so youcould answer it right.
And then you're coming back andyou're thinking to yourself how
do I keep the focus on my kids?
How do I keep my own heartbreakout of this?
How do I keep my own anger atmy co-parent for putting me in
(09:23):
this position, perhaps, maybe,maybe not out of this
conversation?
Well, you do this, answer thequestions that's asked of you
and then you stop.
Why did you fall out of lovewith dad?
Well, perhaps we think thatthis child's feeling a little
anxious and worried that there'ssomething they can do that will
make you not love them.
So we're going to respond inthat way.
We say thanks so much forasking me that.
(09:46):
That's a really interestingquestion.
I always want you to bring yourworries to me.
I wonder if this has to do withyou feeling like there might be
something I could do that wouldmake me not love you, and if
that's the case, I need you toknow that that's never true.
I will always love you, nomatter what you say or do.
(10:06):
And then we stop because that'sthe answer to the question.
Then maybe they say well, youknow, it just seems like.
It just seems like you'rereally mad at dad, and sometimes
, if you get mad, I worry aboutthis.
Then you might be able to sayagain I'm so grateful you told
me that that is a very normalworry.
(10:27):
What can I do to help you withthat worry that I won't love you
?
How can I support you?
We do not go on to this wholebig thing about how well your
dad was actually a reallydifficult person to love and he
made things very challenging andhe had a really tough childhood
and we each brought a lot ofour own drama and baggage to it
(10:48):
and relationships are reallyhard.
You see how that's starting tospiral into your own stuff and
how it's starting to move awayfrom what your child might need
in that moment.
You want to keep it focused onthat.
Picture yourself as like you'rewalking along a road and your
child is at the end of the roadand every once in a while it
would be really easy to veerover and like, pick a little
(11:10):
wildflower and then come back onthe road.
I want you to kind of thinklike, okay, I stepped off the
path, stepped off the road, I'mcoming back to my focus.
So even if you do veer a littlebit, remember you can always
come back To review.
How do you handle answeringthese really hard questions from
your kids?
You number one you think aboutwhy are they asking me this,
(11:30):
what's underneath this?
Number two you validate andthen you assess how to answer
and respond from there.
Number three stay child-focused.
Keep it on your kids.
If you need support with this,we have so many great free
resources and low-cost resourcesinside the Kids First community
.
So we have the High ConflictCommunication Bootcamp.
(11:53):
This is a wonderful place tostart.
It's across three days you geta whole bunch of really, really
tangible tools that can help youcommunicate with an ex.
That is a little bit tricky.
We also run free monthlymasterclasses, including the
most popular by far, which ishow to Co-Parent with a
(12:14):
Difficult Ex.
You can watch that anytime, itis free, and then every month,
varying monthly masterclasses.
You can find us across allsocial medias, including
Instagram and Facebook.
Join our private communitythere.
We are so happy to have you.
If you enjoyed this episode,please do leave us a review.
We certainly appreciate that.
(12:36):
Share it with a friend and letus know.
And finally, if you have aquestion that you'd like me to
answer on the podcast, feel freeto join our private community
and let me know there, or shootme a message or an email.
I'd love to answer yourquestions on air.
Thank you so much for your time.
Keep doing the hard good work,mama, and I'll see you on the
next one.
Welcome to the Kids First Co-Parenting Podcast the
podcast for smart, intentional,millennial moms raising
resilient kids after separationand divorce.
I'm Dr Carolyn Royster, a childpsychologist coach and a mom.
After thousands of therapyhours with kids caught in the
middle of high conflicthouseholds, I'm here to help
moms like you do it differently,from peaceful co-parenting to
(00:29):
total chaos.
I've got you here.
We talk boundaries, regulationand how to raise a great kid,
even if your ex is beyonddifficult.
We blend science with real lifeand, as always, keep the focus
where it matters.
I'm raising great kids.
This is Kids First Co-Parenting.
Hello and welcome.
Today we are talking about whatto do when your kid is asking
(00:51):
you really difficult questionsabout your past relationship,
whether that be the separation,a divorce, or just about their
dad, right, or your co-parent.
How do you handle thesequestions in a way that is
honest but also isdevelopmentally appropriate, and
how do I provide that emotionalsafety and security that we're
(01:13):
always talking about when I'mgiving my kids answers to very
difficult questions, right?
Questions that are hard for youto answer, questions that are
difficult for you know, an adultbrain to understand, and so
we're going to really get intothe meat of this today.
You're going to walk away withhaving some really concrete
tools about how to respond tothese difficult questions and
(01:35):
then some follow-up items thatyou can work through if you need
even more support.
So questions such as you know,why did you guys break up?
Did you have an affair, mommy?
Such a great question.
What's an affair?
Can I call my dad's newgirlfriend mom?
Why not?
Why don't I call her mom?
(01:56):
Why isn't that person my actualbiological brother or sister?
What does that?
These are really commonquestions that kids are going to
have and they will come up.
You will get asked why you arenot together.
What happened?
There are a million books andresources out there.
Of course, inside my course, wehave a whole lesson on how do
(02:18):
you tell your kids that you'regoing to get a separation or
divorce, and the classic exampleis to say things like well, we
decided that your mom and I cando this better from two separate
houses when we're not togetherand we love you very much and
that doesn't change and I lovethat.
I think that's great advice.
I give that advice.
However, what we are talkingabout today on the podcast is
(02:41):
what do you do when thequestions get a little more deep
, they get a little bit harderto answer.
It's more like well, you know,if you were married and you
committed to love each otherforever, what changed right?
So, depending on the age ofyour child, these questions
could be quite different andquite difficult, quite honestly.
(03:01):
And so that is the tools that Iwant to give you today, and so
if you're listening to this, youmay want to listen back as we
talk through the strategies.
As always, our podcast is meantto be pretty bite-sized.
I always think about it likethe walk that I do with my dog
Finn.
It's about a mile and a half.
We do it in the evenings.
I love it when my podcastepisodes can kind of be around
(03:24):
that loop, or on my drive towork.
I get really into those longpodcasts that are like two hours
long, but they require a littlebit more of a time.
We want to give you quick anddirty tools that you can use,
like right now, when your kidasks you something on the way
home from school today, you'relike, oh shit, I don't know what
to do.
You pop on this episode andrevisit it anytime, and you
(03:45):
should have some really concretetools.
Okay, so, as always, the momsthat I work with and you
wouldn't be listening to thisunless you really did care a lot
about what's going on for yourchild that they're asking this
question, and that is tip numberone, okay.
So whenever I get asked aquestion that kind of throws me
off, either by my own childrenor kids that I'm working with in
(04:08):
the therapy practice, orclients of mine whose kids are
asking them something andthey're asking for my support,
the first thing you always wantto do is pause and think why are
they asking me this to startwith?
In other words, what's drivingthis behavior?
What's this about, right?
So for us and for you asco-parenting moms, you want to
(04:31):
be thinking is there somecontext here?
Are you asking me about ourdivorce because your dad has
just told you that he wants topropose to his girlfriend, or
because you're not feeling verysecure in my relationship with
you?
So you want to understandwhat's going on under the
(04:51):
question.
If a kid is asking a questionsuch as if you fell out of love
with dad, does that mean thatyou can fall out of love with
other people?
I would encourage you toconsider is that child worried
or wondering if you're going tofall out of love with them, and
I've had kids tell me this.
I've had kids say things likewell, if they can fall out of
love with them.
And I've had kids tell me this.
I've had kids say things likewell, if they can fall out of
(05:12):
love with each other, what's tostop them from falling out of
love with me?
Of course, that's just a knifethrough a mama's heart, isn't it
?
But that will help you know howto respond to the question.
If you know, underneath thatquestion of why did you fall out
of love with dad is actually awondering about if you're going
to fall out of love with me asyour child, then we respond
(05:34):
differently.
We may say something likethere's nothing you could ever
do that would make me not loveyou, and it's a little bit
different when you think aboutmarriages and relationships, and
then maybe leave it there.
Let's take that same questionnow why did you fall out of love
with dad?
And perhaps we're worried thatyour child is hearing something
(05:54):
along the lines of your mom madethis choice and she's the one
that did this to you at hishouse, in which case that
question has a little bit of adifferent meaning, doesn't it?
That question then becomes I'mtrying to sort out who's the
good guy and who's the bad guyhere, and I'm being told by
someone which they shouldn't be,but perhaps they are that
(06:15):
you're the bad guy In thatsituation.
You answer the questiondifferently, don't you?
So you then might respond tosomething like this question did
you fall out of love with dad?
You might say something likelove is a really complicated
thing, and it's really easy towant to know who did something
wrong to put our family in thisreally tough situation that
(06:37):
we're in, and I just want you toknow that that's a grown-up
discussion and we can revisitthat later.
But no one was really to blame,or we decided together.
You might hear differently,because sometimes, when people's
feelings are hurt, they saythings like that.
Again, how you respond?
That's your first tip.
You want to be thinking aboutwhat's underneath.
(06:58):
The second point so this leadsus to our next tip is that you
may not know the answer to that,and so it's important to have a
set of tools that you can useand you can pull out when you're
thinking gosh, I don't know whythey're asking me this.
This came out of the blue.
It's kind of a crazy question.
The first thing you always wantto do.
(07:18):
This is tip two is validate andassess.
So you want to validate.
Thanks for telling me that.
Thank you for asking me that.
I'm always interested to hearabout your questions.
I always wanna know what's onyour mind.
I really appreciate you tellingme that, or something along the
lines of it really makes sensethat you would wonder about that
.
I totally get it.
(07:39):
The very first thing is thatyou wanna be saying I get it.
I appreciate you asking mebecause we always want to
encourage them to be bringingtheir questions to you, bringing
their wonderings to you, sothat you can fill in the gaps
with age-appropriate information, rather than finding out some
crazy explanation from the kidsat school or the internet or
(07:59):
wherever kids get informationthese days when they don't know
the answers.
You want to praise that theybrought this to you.
That's a wonderful thing.
Then you might do some gentlewondering or some curiosities
around like huh, I wonder whyyou're asking me that.
Or it seems like you might havethat question because you
overheard a conversation.
(08:19):
Or I think you're wonderingabout this because we were at
the park the other day and wesaw that family together and
they were acting a little bitdifferent.
Is that what's going on?
Not interrogating, but myfavorite phrase you'll hear me
talk about it all the time isI'm wondering.
I'm wondering if this is whyyou're asking that question,
getting a little bit moreinformation.
(08:40):
And then, tip three I want youto always stay really, really
child-focused when you'reresponding to your kids.
We wanna Always stay really,really child focused when you're
responding to your kids.
We want to keep the focus onthem and what they need in that
moment.
So if you've already done stepsone and two, this is going to
be real easy and it's going toflow out of those two steps
really really well.
Okay.
So it's going to be pretty easyto keep the focus on them
(09:01):
because you know theunderpinning of why they're
asking this question.
You've already supported andvalidated and praised that.
They brought it to you so youcould answer it right.
And then you're coming back andyou're thinking to yourself how
do I keep the focus on my kids?
How do I keep my own heartbreakout of this?
How do I keep my own anger atmy co-parent for putting me in
(09:23):
this position, perhaps, maybe,maybe not out of this
conversation?
Well, you do this, answer thequestions that's asked of you
and then you stop.
Why did you fall out of lovewith dad?
Well, perhaps we think thatthis child's feeling a little
anxious and worried that there'ssomething they can do that will
make you not love them.
So we're going to respond inthat way.
We say thanks so much forasking me that.
(09:46):
That's a really interestingquestion.
I always want you to bring yourworries to me.
I wonder if this has to do withyou feeling like there might be
something I could do that wouldmake me not love you, and if
that's the case, I need you toknow that that's never true.
I will always love you, nomatter what you say or do.
(10:06):
And then we stop because that'sthe answer to the question.
Then maybe they say well, youknow, it just seems like.
It just seems like you'rereally mad at dad, and sometimes
, if you get mad, I worry aboutthis.
Then you might be able to sayagain I'm so grateful you told
me that that is a very normalworry.
(10:27):
What can I do to help you withthat worry that I won't love you
?
How can I support you?
We do not go on to this wholebig thing about how well your
dad was actually a reallydifficult person to love and he
made things very challenging andhe had a really tough childhood
and we each brought a lot ofour own drama and baggage to it
(10:48):
and relationships are reallyhard.
You see how that's starting tospiral into your own stuff and
how it's starting to move awayfrom what your child might need
in that moment.
You want to keep it focused onthat.
Picture yourself as like you'rewalking along a road and your
child is at the end of the roadand every once in a while it
would be really easy to veerover and like, pick a little
(11:10):
wildflower and then come back onthe road.
I want you to kind of thinklike, okay, I stepped off the
path, stepped off the road, I'mcoming back to my focus.
So even if you do veer a littlebit, remember you can always
come back To review.
How do you handle answeringthese really hard questions from
your kids?
You number one you think aboutwhy are they asking me this,
(11:30):
what's underneath this?
Number two you validate andthen you assess how to answer
and respond from there.
Number three stay child-focused.
Keep it on your kids.
If you need support with this,we have so many great free
resources and low-cost resourcesinside the Kids First community
.
So we have the High ConflictCommunication Bootcamp.
(11:53):
This is a wonderful place tostart.
It's across three days you geta whole bunch of really, really
tangible tools that can help youcommunicate with an ex.
That is a little bit tricky.
We also run free monthlymasterclasses, including the
most popular by far, which ishow to Co-Parent with a
(12:14):
Difficult Ex.
You can watch that anytime, itis free, and then every month,
varying monthly masterclasses.
You can find us across allsocial medias, including
Instagram and Facebook.
Join our private communitythere.
We are so happy to have you.
If you enjoyed this episode,please do leave us a review.
We certainly appreciate that.
(12:36):
Share it with a friend and letus know.
And finally, if you have aquestion that you'd like me to
answer on the podcast, feel freeto join our private community
and let me know there, or shootme a message or an email.
I'd love to answer yourquestions on air.
Thank you so much for your time.
Keep doing the hard good work,mama, and I'll see you on the
next one.
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