November 7, 2025 • 24 mins
The kids stay home, the parents rotate—simple to say, hard to do well. We unpack nesting with straight talk on what it is, when it helps, and how to make it work without sliding back into the same conflicts that made separation necessary. From early-stage divorce logistics to keeping bedtime steady for a neurodivergent child, we share a practical blueprint anchored in safety, trust, and child-centered routines.
We start with the basics: a clear definition of nesting, common scenarios where it shines—high cost of living, a traveling parent, or a need to preserve medical equipment and school routines—and the invisible load it creates. You’ll hear why privacy protocols, written house rules, and transparent money systems prevent “gotcha” moments that reignite resentment. We also get candid about non-negotiables: if there’s coercive control, abuse, or constant boundary-breaking, nesting is the wrong tool. Parallel parenting from separate homes with structured communication will serve your child better.
Then we move into execution. Set the schedule first and keep exchanges brief and businesslike, like passing a relay baton. Align on routines using the “siblings, not twins” principle so life feels familiar even as parents change places. Lock down a plan for chores, groceries, mail, guests, and tech boundaries. Track expenses and reconcile on a cadence so costs don’t become character judgments. Most importantly, assign an endpoint—30 to 60 days—and review objective markers: on-time handoffs, fewer meltdowns, and lower parent conflict. If it’s working, extend with intention; if it’s not, pivot promptly.
If messages from your ex make your stomach drop, grab our High Conflict Communication Bootcamp for Moms for $19 to get scripts and strategies you can use today. And if you want ongoing coaching, tools, and community, join the Kids First membership—use code ProtectKids at learnwithlittlehouse.com. Subscribe, share with a mom who needs this, and leave a quick review to help more families find solid ground.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:05):
Welcome to the Kids First Co-Parenting Podcast.
The podcast for smart,intentional, millennial moms
raising resilient kids afterseparation and divorce.
I'm Dr.
Carolyn Royster, a childpsychologist coach, and a mom.
After thousands of therapy hourswith kids caught in the middle
of high-conflict households, I'mhere to help moms like you do it
(00:28):
differently.
From peaceful co-parenting tototal chaos, I've got you.
Here we talk boundaries,regulation, and how to raise a
great kid, even if your acts isbeyond difficult.
We blend science with real life,and as always, keep focused
where it matters on raisinggreat kids.
This is Kids First Co-Parenting.
(00:52):
Hello, my darlings.
Welcome to another episode ofthe Kids First Co-Parenting
Podcast.
I am delighted to tell you thatwe've actually been gaining
quite a bit of traction.
I so appreciate y'all sharingand commenting, requesting
topics, asking questions,leaving reviews.
(01:13):
It is really helping get theword out to more people, which
is, you know, kind of the wholepoint.
I am so grateful you're herethat today is a good day
wherever you're listening tothis.
Maybe it's not, but I hope itis.
You will hear, there will be alittle insert later in the
episode where I talk about howwe've made some huge changes
(01:36):
inside the kids' firstco-parenting system, really
adapting the program for more ofwhat people need.
It is now an extremelyaffordable membership because I
was thinking about myself as amom and just what it would take
for me to throw down severalthousand dollars on something
(01:58):
and how much easier it is for meto be like, I could spend a
hundred bucks on that versus Icould spend a thousand dollars
on that.
Not that it's not worth it,y'all.
It 100% is.
But when moms are going throughall the financial upheaval of
separation and divorce, we ofcourse need to be thoughtful
about finances.
And I respect them.
(02:19):
Originally, when I made the kidsfirst program, I also had it as
a three-month thing.
And then my first group of momssaid, absolutely not.
This needs to be at least sixmonths long, maybe longer,
depending on how things aregoing with our exes.
And most of those moms that didthe three or the six months then
(02:40):
stayed on into a membership.
So just really listening to mycommunity and hearing what you
guys need and want from me iswhere this idea came from.
And then honestly, a very deepacknowledgement, I guess I would
say, of my intuition.
Because if I'm being a hundredpercent honest, I have been
(03:01):
thinking about this for a whileand sort of hesitant to do it.
And I think it just goes back tothat deep sense of what we know
to be true deep in ourselves.
Think of that as a lot ofdifferent ways, whether that's
intuition or founded inspirituality, whatever it might
(03:21):
be, that it's important tolisten to that.
Glenn and Doyle always talksabout it as the knowing, and you
have to slow down enough tolisten to your knowing, which I
am certainly guilty of not doinga lot.
And I think when you're alignedwith something about me, I don't
know.
Anyways, today's topic is partof our foundational topics
(03:43):
regarding different styles ofco-parenting because there are
many.
Okay.
And so we're going back to thebasics today.
We've done an episode already onwhat is parallel parenting.
It's really good for folks thatare kind of entering in and
figuring out what they want todo and what makes sense for
them.
(04:03):
Today we're gonna talk aboutnesting.
I get asked about nesting allthe time.
I mean, constantly.
Nobody really knows what it isunless you're doing it.
Um and if you're doing it, youprobably still don't really know
what it is or how to do it well,which I get.
So we're gonna talk a little bitabout what it is, when it helps,
(04:24):
when it makes sense for people,and a couple guidelines for how
to do it well if this is yoursituation right now.
By the end of our episode, whatI want you to be able to walk
away with is knowing or having agood sense of what nesting is,
whether it makes sense for youand your co-parent and your kids
right now.
(04:44):
And if you are gonna do it, whatare some good guardrails for you
that make it workable for youand for your kids?
Because of course, that's whatwe're always focused on is how
to help your kids and make surethat they're okay through all of
this.
What does nesting mean?
Let's start with a really basicdefinition.
Nesting is the the kid or thechildren stay in one home and
(05:08):
the parents rotate in and outfor their parenting time.
Think about it like the home,the family home in most cases,
is the bird's nest.
And one parent flies out and thebaby bird stays in the nest, and
that parent goes somewhere else,and one parent stays, sits on
the egg, feeds the birds,however you want to use it in
(05:30):
the metaphor.
Then when the parenting time isready to switch, the other
person flies back, and the mamabird or the daddy bird flies
away, and that person takes oversitting on the eggs and feeding
the babies and scaring off hawksand things like that.
So typically there this happensin the original family home, and
(05:55):
I'm using that term family home,that's what the courts use.
Family home meaning youroriginal home that you shared
with this person.
And it often you have either afriend that one of the parents
stays with, or an apartment, orsometimes even like a hotel or
family, whatever it might be.
(06:16):
There's another feasible, lessexpensive option that the parent
that's not at home is using astheir dwelling.
Sometimes parents will sharethat other home too.
So the apartment is whoever'snot with the kids is who's
staying there.
As you can see when I'm talkingabout this, this requires a lot
(06:39):
of coordination.
This requires a lot of trust.
This requires a lot ofcollaboration to some degree and
conversation.
Who's supplying toilet paper atthe apartment?
Who's buying groceries?
Who's taking out the trash?
Who is responsible for gettingthe sprinklers set up and snow
(07:00):
removal and all of those things?
So it it is a very high level ofcollaboration.
I would say it's one step underbeing married, basically.
When in when does nesting work?
That is our first concept we'regonna talk through.
A lot of families do nestingwhen it's pretty early in the
(07:24):
separation or divorce.
So you've just asked for adivorce, you're still living
together, you don't want to bemarried anymore, and things are
tied up at court and we'rewaiting.
So a lot of people do this kindof initially.
Sometimes it's one person's downin the basement or in the guest
room, and the other person's inthe master bedroom.
(07:47):
It can look a lot of differentways, but usually it's when it's
very early in the routine beforeassets are divided, essentially.
I see it more in high cost ofliving areas.
So where I am in Denver, youknow, it is, it costs a lot of
(08:07):
money to buy a house, especiallyif you are high earners or you
bought together and now you'regoing to downsize and you're
both going to have smallerhomes.
That's fine, but you might needto sell your family home first.
It's a little bit differentstory if you can foot two home
costs, whether that's a rentalpayment or mortgage payment or
(08:28):
whatever it might be.
And so we do see this in some ofthose areas.
I also see it when parents kindof agree that they are very good
with boundaries.
So this is another time thatthis works well.
So they can really followstructure and routine, they get
along fine, they're maybe justnot in love with each other
(08:49):
anymore, and they can handlekind of limited contact, can be
pretty calm, pretty emotionallyregulated.
There are sometimes folks willdo this because they have a
really high value on somethinglike schools or routines.
If you have a child with complexmedical needs, for example, or
(09:11):
neurodivergence, or mentalhealth needs, and that kid
really, you know, perhaps youhave medical equipment that is
not easily transferable, or youhave all the medications, or you
have a child that loves routine,you know, these would be a good
reason to think about tryingthis out, at least.
You know, I think about kiddoson the autism spectrum disorder
(09:36):
and how some of those kids havea really hard time adapting to
new routines, new homes, newsmells, new sounds.
That that type of kid might havea really hard time if you're
asking them to transition backand forth every few days or go
to a new place.
And maybe that's where you'regoing and you cross that bridge
(09:57):
when you get to it.
But initially you might startout with something like nesting.
If y'all can get along enough todo it.
To do nesting, there really hasto be a foundation of trust.
And that trust cannot and cannotinclude or have a part of it
that has safety concerns, right?
If you are actively concernedthat your ex is, you know,
(10:21):
abusive, using substances, notable to take care of the
children, not able to provide asafe environment, isn't safe
with you, isn't safe with thekids, then obviously you're not
going to do nesting.
That's not a good move for youor for anybody.
Because it requires such a highlevel of trust.
You have to be able to trustthat your kids are okay there
(10:41):
when you're not there.
Right?
That is when and how nestingworks.
If you've ever opened a messageon your co-parenting app from
your ex and felt your stomachdrop, you are far from alone, my
friend.
High conflict co-parenting playsby a completely different set of
rules.
And if you keep trying to justbe reasonable, you're going to
(11:03):
keep feeling blindsided.
This is exactly why I createdthe High Conflict Communication
Bootcamp for Mobs.
It's a short, self-paced,three-day training that will
teach you exactly what to say,how to respond to toxic or
manipulative messages, and howto keep your child out of the
middle.
You'll get scripts, strategies,and a printable workbook you can
(11:24):
use right away.
And it's only$19.
You can grab your spot byfollowing the link in the show
notes, or go directly tolearnwithlittlehouse.com slash
bootcamp and start today.
That's learnwithlittlehouse.comslash bootcamp and start today.
Protect your peace, protect yourchild, and stop letting someone
(11:46):
else control the energy.
This kind of segues nicely intoour next topic, which is when
not to do this.
So I spoke about this a littlebit already, but if there's
violence, if there's coercivecontrol, stalking, abuse,
sabotage, parental manipulation,parental alienation, anything
(12:11):
like that, obviously that's not,you're not going to be able to
have this high level ofcollaboration and continued
connection to this person.
You need to move on to more of aparallel parenting from separate
homes.
It's really the only option toco-parent with someone like
this.
Severe conflict or somebody thatreally has no respect for or
(12:32):
really likes to bend rules.
It gets confusing for kids whenit's like, well, you know, all
of a sudden dad stays for dinnermost nights, or some nights he
sleeps over, some nights hedoesn't, or he's checking, you
know, your search history onNetflix and digging through the
trash to see what you were upto.
(12:53):
Like that kind of stuffindicates we're not in a good
space.
We're not in a emotionallymature enough space to be having
somebody have access to yourprivate space, which is your
home.
Where it also doesn't work iswhen there's really no exit
plan.
So, in my opinion, and this isnot the opinion of everybody,
(13:13):
but I think nesting is atemporary solution.
I don't think long term itreally makes a lot of sense.
You're still living togetherthen.
I think that it works if you'relike, we're gonna do this for
six months, or until we have ourpermanent orders, or until kiddo
(13:35):
goes to high school and wechange schools, anyways, until
we sell the house.
You know, there's many thingsyou can do, but it can't be a
forever ambiguous solution.
At some point, we need to havean endpoint for this to work, or
it's gonna kind of fall apart alittle bit.
How do we make this work?
What are really important coreprinciples that we don't waver
(13:57):
from, that we really keep in theforefront of our minds as we are
doing or approaching thisnesting thing?
And I'll talk about some morespecific guidelines in a minute,
but always we want to reallykeep the focus on kids.
We want the child's routines tostay as as consistent and as
simple and as typical aspossible.
(14:18):
Now, this is things like when weget up to go to school, what it
looks like when we get home fromschool.
You want to try to make bedtimessimilar.
Think about them as siblings,not twins.
Even if you're happily marriedand raising kids together, your
bedtimes are gonna be different.
Mom's bedtime is gonna lookdifferent than dad's bedtime.
(14:40):
It just does.
And so you're never gonna havethe expectation that's very
unrealistic, that they are both100% the same.
They're gonna be slightlydifferent, but we wanna try to
keep them on a bigger scale asconsistent as possible.
Meaning we kind of agree, weagree that we go upstairs at
(15:02):
eight o'clock.
I and then we read a book, andthis is kind of what our routine
looks like.
Now, dad might read a differentbook, dad might lay in bed and
read the book, or sit in thesnuggly chair, and you might sit
on the floor.
Like you can have variations inthat, but how the routine would
look similar is we generally tryto keep this eight o'clock
bedtime, and the bedtime sort oflooks like this every time.
(15:25):
There's slight variations in howI do it versus how dad does it
or how your co-parent does it.
Okay.
You want to keep nesting lowercontact, right?
You don't, this is isn't amarriage.
It isn't a relationship that isromantic and involved.
You don't need to be havingthese very long, drawn-out
(15:46):
conversations.
You want to keep it prettybusiness like.
You want to treat it more likeships passing in the night or
like a relay baton pass ratherthan a team huddle.
Okay.
Clarity and structure are yourfriends in making this work.
So having some pretty specificthings you talked about.
(16:08):
You know, this is what we do forthe groceries.
This is how we split the costfor the groceries.
This is who handles the mowingand the snow removal.
You can tell that I'm from theMidwest and the mountains
because I always include snowremoval.
This is how we handle thesethings.
One of my best friends lives inthe South.
She talks about like bugmitigation, like they spray for
(16:28):
bugs.
I'm like, Jesus Christ.
The South.
Holy cow, y'all.
Um that is also, by the way, whyI say y'all sometimes is because
of my very, very long-termrelationship with her.
So, you know, I'm not handlingbug mitigation.
I don't shovel snow unless Ihave to.
I would probably hire someone todo it, honestly.
(16:50):
But these tasks that you want tobe thinking about ahead of time.
Well, what happens when you'reat the house and the snowstorm
hits?
Do you shovel the snow then?
Is whoever is there responsiblefor it?
Or is that other person expectedto come by and shovel the walks?
That might seem really obviousto you, but I can think of right
(17:11):
now and talking about that,about 20 different ways that you
could have agreed for that togo.
You want to have these thingssort of identified ahead of time
so that you're not in conflictover them as they come up.
Again, I want to reiterate thispoint that this works well when
it's temporary by design.
And I definitely recommend ifyou think you're gonna do this,
(17:31):
set a trial date.
Not court, not court trial.
That's probably already set foryou.
What I mean is let's try thisfor a month.
Let's try this for two months.
Then we'll come together at theend of those two months.
And if we agree it's notworking, then we'll figure out
our next steps.
This is Dr.
Royster coming in to you to letyou know, my wonderful
(17:53):
listeners, that we've made somereally exciting changes to the
kids' first co-parenting system.
Because co-parenting with adifficult ex is not something
that you go through a programand you come out the other side
and it just magically works.
And so we've revamped the kidsfirst co-parenting system to be
a membership.
(18:14):
Come in, get your first monthhalf off, get all the lessons,
get your video coaching with thegroup and myself, of course.
Stay as many months as you need.
Use the code ProtectKids atcheckout at
learnwithlittlehouse.com.
Get the support you know thatyou need.
We're inside the community.
(18:34):
We've made it a membership sothat it can be so much more
accessible and affordable formoms just like you.
Join us today.
What are some actual tangiblesteps that you can do if you
want to make this work?
First, you need to decide on astructure.
So, what does that mean?
(18:55):
How often are you going in andout?
What, you know, I should addtoo, another time I've seen this
work is when one person travelsa lot.
That's a pretty easy way to makeit work because they're just not
there, right?
So choosing a structure.
So, you know, who, what days dowe do this?
What time do we do it?
Do we do it after bedtime?
(19:15):
Do we do it at dinner?
Do we eat dinner together?
And then we go our separateways.
How are we making this work?
Okay.
Write down or at least jot downtogether what your house rules
are.
Who takes care of the tasks?
What do we do with mail?
Packages.
Do you open mail?
That's not to you.
(19:35):
Who takes care of the pets?
How who controls the thermostat?
I like my house frigid.
A lot of people don't.
Who gets to do that?
Who cleans up the leaves in thebackyard?
Um, and bigger rules, such aswho is allowed in the home as a
guest when we're not there.
How do we feel about overnightguests or new partners?
(19:59):
Trust is probably probably ano-no on that one.
But different strokes, differentfolks.
As long as you've discussed it,perhaps it's a non-issue.
It probably is an issue, butperhaps it's a non-issue.
Okay, so like what what are therules?
Who walks the dog?
Who cleans out the dog poop?
Who does the laundry?
(20:20):
How to, you know, how do Ihandle it if I come in and the
clothes are in the washer andthey're wet and they've been
there for a day.
Like, am I gonna be salty aboutit, or am I just like, I'm gonna
go ahead and wash them again andget going?
You wanna think about all thosethings because as you're
thinking about them and you'rekind of working through them,
you're getting ahead ofpotential conflicts.
(20:41):
I think it's a good idea to havesome privacy plans in place.
Just like when you stay at anAirbnb, there's a locked closet
of the people's personal stuffyou can't go in.
You know, because people like tosnoop, a locked file cabinet for
each person, or, you know, havea rule that, like, we're not
gonna look at each other's iPadsif they stay here, or laptops,
(21:03):
or work materials, or kind ofanything that gets, you know, if
your retirement statement getssent to the house, even though
your ex's name is on it, you'renot gonna open it.
So you want to talk aboutprivacy and you need to be able
to trust that this person isrespecting that.
Because again, if you can't,then nesting's probably not for
(21:24):
you.
But again, I'm just giving youthe ideas of how this works.
A little bit outside of mydomain, but something that I
obviously know you need to doand have a good system for,
would be tracking the financesand tracking money very clearly
and plainly.
Who's paying for rent,utilities, groceries, repairs,
(21:45):
cleaners?
It's a good idea to have a timethat you're gonna square up and
think about reimbursements andlike how do we want to do that?
Are we using Venmo?
Is one person paying foreverything?
What have you agreed?
Don't go into this not havingthat conversation.
Because when you come back fromflying out of the nest in your
(22:05):
apartment and there's a newcouch sitting in your living
room, you better be better havealready talked about it.
Because then you can't be like,well, what?
How did we the person's like,well, we needed a new couch and
you're responsible for half ofit.
Like, no, no.
Or maybe yes.
Maybe you've already discussedit.
These are the things you need toknow.
(22:27):
I'd like for you to keeproutines for your kids as stable
as possible.
We did talk about that a littlebit already, and your
communications.
This is your opportunity tostart learning how to move out
of that marriage lens and intothat co-parenting lens of we're
(22:47):
no longer in relationshipanymore.
You're not my partner anymore,you are my co-parent.
And I do have to talk to youabout a lot of things, but there
are ways and strategies that Ido that and keep that very
businesslike.
This is just a little tasteabout nesting.
I don't coach a lot on nestingbecause, quite frankly, these
are not usually my clients.
(23:09):
My clients that I work withoften have people that they
wouldn't dream of nesting with.
However, there's a lot of greatresources.
I'll give you a couple in theshow notes that I like to hand
out to folks about how to dothis and how to do it well.
That being said, it is somethinga lot of people ask me about and
have questions about.
Just like, what is that and howdo we make it work?
(23:30):
Or we're doing this.
I don't want to do it, but we'redoing it for a little bit.
So then you need to think aboutsome of the other ways that you
do that and do it successfully.
It works sometimes with reallyclear rules, limited contact, a
budget, firm exit plans, firmstrategies, you know, and seeing
(23:50):
if it works well for you, atrial period, so to speak.
Start pretty small, prettymanageable, be kind, keep it
child-centered, write everythingdown, and we'll see what
happens.
If you've tried nesting and youwant to share a little bit about
that experience, we wouldwelcome that inside our private
Facebook group, or you can justsend me a message.
(24:12):
I always love to hear people'sstories about how they've
navigated these really trickythings.
So thanks for being here.
We'll see you on the nextepisode of the Kids First
Co-Parenting podcast.
Thanks so much for listening tothis episode of Kids First
Co-Parenting.
The best way you can support theshow is by following, rating,
(24:33):
and reviewing wherever youlisten to podcasts, and by
sharing it with another mom whocould use the support.
You can also connect with me onInstagram and Facebook at Learn
with Little House.
And if you're ready to go deepand get more tools, scripts,
personalized support, andcoaching, come join us inside
the Kids First Co Parentingcommunity.
You'll find the details atLearnwithlittlehouse.com.
(24:55):
Thanks for being here.
Welcome to the Kids First Co-Parenting Podcast.
The podcast for smart,intentional, millennial moms
raising resilient kids afterseparation and divorce.
I'm Dr.
Carolyn Royster, a childpsychologist coach, and a mom.
After thousands of therapy hourswith kids caught in the middle
of high-conflict households, I'mhere to help moms like you do it
(00:28):
differently.
From peaceful co-parenting tototal chaos, I've got you.
Here we talk boundaries,regulation, and how to raise a
great kid, even if your acts isbeyond difficult.
We blend science with real life,and as always, keep focused
where it matters on raisinggreat kids.
This is Kids First Co-Parenting.
(00:52):
Hello, my darlings.
Welcome to another episode ofthe Kids First Co-Parenting
Podcast.
I am delighted to tell you thatwe've actually been gaining
quite a bit of traction.
I so appreciate y'all sharingand commenting, requesting
topics, asking questions,leaving reviews.
(01:13):
It is really helping get theword out to more people, which
is, you know, kind of the wholepoint.
I am so grateful you're herethat today is a good day
wherever you're listening tothis.
Maybe it's not, but I hope itis.
You will hear, there will be alittle insert later in the
episode where I talk about howwe've made some huge changes
(01:36):
inside the kids' firstco-parenting system, really
adapting the program for more ofwhat people need.
It is now an extremelyaffordable membership because I
was thinking about myself as amom and just what it would take
for me to throw down severalthousand dollars on something
(01:58):
and how much easier it is for meto be like, I could spend a
hundred bucks on that versus Icould spend a thousand dollars
on that.
Not that it's not worth it,y'all.
It 100% is.
But when moms are going throughall the financial upheaval of
separation and divorce, we ofcourse need to be thoughtful
about finances.
And I respect them.
(02:19):
Originally, when I made the kidsfirst program, I also had it as
a three-month thing.
And then my first group of momssaid, absolutely not.
This needs to be at least sixmonths long, maybe longer,
depending on how things aregoing with our exes.
And most of those moms that didthe three or the six months then
(02:40):
stayed on into a membership.
So just really listening to mycommunity and hearing what you
guys need and want from me iswhere this idea came from.
And then honestly, a very deepacknowledgement, I guess I would
say, of my intuition.
Because if I'm being a hundredpercent honest, I have been
(03:01):
thinking about this for a whileand sort of hesitant to do it.
And I think it just goes back tothat deep sense of what we know
to be true deep in ourselves.
Think of that as a lot ofdifferent ways, whether that's
intuition or founded inspirituality, whatever it might
(03:21):
be, that it's important tolisten to that.
Glenn and Doyle always talksabout it as the knowing, and you
have to slow down enough tolisten to your knowing, which I
am certainly guilty of not doinga lot.
And I think when you're alignedwith something about me, I don't
know.
Anyways, today's topic is partof our foundational topics
(03:43):
regarding different styles ofco-parenting because there are
many.
Okay.
And so we're going back to thebasics today.
We've done an episode already onwhat is parallel parenting.
It's really good for folks thatare kind of entering in and
figuring out what they want todo and what makes sense for
them.
(04:03):
Today we're gonna talk aboutnesting.
I get asked about nesting allthe time.
I mean, constantly.
Nobody really knows what it isunless you're doing it.
Um and if you're doing it, youprobably still don't really know
what it is or how to do it well,which I get.
So we're gonna talk a little bitabout what it is, when it helps,
(04:24):
when it makes sense for people,and a couple guidelines for how
to do it well if this is yoursituation right now.
By the end of our episode, whatI want you to be able to walk
away with is knowing or having agood sense of what nesting is,
whether it makes sense for youand your co-parent and your kids
right now.
(04:44):
And if you are gonna do it, whatare some good guardrails for you
that make it workable for youand for your kids?
Because of course, that's whatwe're always focused on is how
to help your kids and make surethat they're okay through all of
this.
What does nesting mean?
Let's start with a really basicdefinition.
Nesting is the the kid or thechildren stay in one home and
(05:08):
the parents rotate in and outfor their parenting time.
Think about it like the home,the family home in most cases,
is the bird's nest.
And one parent flies out and thebaby bird stays in the nest, and
that parent goes somewhere else,and one parent stays, sits on
the egg, feeds the birds,however you want to use it in
(05:30):
the metaphor.
Then when the parenting time isready to switch, the other
person flies back, and the mamabird or the daddy bird flies
away, and that person takes oversitting on the eggs and feeding
the babies and scaring off hawksand things like that.
So typically there this happensin the original family home, and
(05:55):
I'm using that term family home,that's what the courts use.
Family home meaning youroriginal home that you shared
with this person.
And it often you have either afriend that one of the parents
stays with, or an apartment, orsometimes even like a hotel or
family, whatever it might be.
(06:16):
There's another feasible, lessexpensive option that the parent
that's not at home is using astheir dwelling.
Sometimes parents will sharethat other home too.
So the apartment is whoever'snot with the kids is who's
staying there.
As you can see when I'm talkingabout this, this requires a lot
(06:39):
of coordination.
This requires a lot of trust.
This requires a lot ofcollaboration to some degree and
conversation.
Who's supplying toilet paper atthe apartment?
Who's buying groceries?
Who's taking out the trash?
Who is responsible for gettingthe sprinklers set up and snow
(07:00):
removal and all of those things?
So it it is a very high level ofcollaboration.
I would say it's one step underbeing married, basically.
When in when does nesting work?
That is our first concept we'regonna talk through.
A lot of families do nestingwhen it's pretty early in the
(07:24):
separation or divorce.
So you've just asked for adivorce, you're still living
together, you don't want to bemarried anymore, and things are
tied up at court and we'rewaiting.
So a lot of people do this kindof initially.
Sometimes it's one person's downin the basement or in the guest
room, and the other person's inthe master bedroom.
(07:47):
It can look a lot of differentways, but usually it's when it's
very early in the routine beforeassets are divided, essentially.
I see it more in high cost ofliving areas.
So where I am in Denver, youknow, it is, it costs a lot of
(08:07):
money to buy a house, especiallyif you are high earners or you
bought together and now you'regoing to downsize and you're
both going to have smallerhomes.
That's fine, but you might needto sell your family home first.
It's a little bit differentstory if you can foot two home
costs, whether that's a rentalpayment or mortgage payment or
(08:28):
whatever it might be.
And so we do see this in some ofthose areas.
I also see it when parents kindof agree that they are very good
with boundaries.
So this is another time thatthis works well.
So they can really followstructure and routine, they get
along fine, they're maybe justnot in love with each other
(08:49):
anymore, and they can handlekind of limited contact, can be
pretty calm, pretty emotionallyregulated.
There are sometimes folks willdo this because they have a
really high value on somethinglike schools or routines.
If you have a child with complexmedical needs, for example, or
(09:11):
neurodivergence, or mentalhealth needs, and that kid
really, you know, perhaps youhave medical equipment that is
not easily transferable, or youhave all the medications, or you
have a child that loves routine,you know, these would be a good
reason to think about tryingthis out, at least.
You know, I think about kiddoson the autism spectrum disorder
(09:36):
and how some of those kids havea really hard time adapting to
new routines, new homes, newsmells, new sounds.
That that type of kid might havea really hard time if you're
asking them to transition backand forth every few days or go
to a new place.
And maybe that's where you'regoing and you cross that bridge
(09:57):
when you get to it.
But initially you might startout with something like nesting.
If y'all can get along enough todo it.
To do nesting, there really hasto be a foundation of trust.
And that trust cannot and cannotinclude or have a part of it
that has safety concerns, right?
If you are actively concernedthat your ex is, you know,
(10:21):
abusive, using substances, notable to take care of the
children, not able to provide asafe environment, isn't safe
with you, isn't safe with thekids, then obviously you're not
going to do nesting.
That's not a good move for youor for anybody.
Because it requires such a highlevel of trust.
You have to be able to trustthat your kids are okay there
(10:41):
when you're not there.
Right?
That is when and how nestingworks.
If you've ever opened a messageon your co-parenting app from
your ex and felt your stomachdrop, you are far from alone, my
friend.
High conflict co-parenting playsby a completely different set of
rules.
And if you keep trying to justbe reasonable, you're going to
(11:03):
keep feeling blindsided.
This is exactly why I createdthe High Conflict Communication
Bootcamp for Mobs.
It's a short, self-paced,three-day training that will
teach you exactly what to say,how to respond to toxic or
manipulative messages, and howto keep your child out of the
middle.
You'll get scripts, strategies,and a printable workbook you can
(11:24):
use right away.
And it's only$19.
You can grab your spot byfollowing the link in the show
notes, or go directly tolearnwithlittlehouse.com slash
bootcamp and start today.
That's learnwithlittlehouse.comslash bootcamp and start today.
Protect your peace, protect yourchild, and stop letting someone
(11:46):
else control the energy.
This kind of segues nicely intoour next topic, which is when
not to do this.
So I spoke about this a littlebit already, but if there's
violence, if there's coercivecontrol, stalking, abuse,
sabotage, parental manipulation,parental alienation, anything
(12:11):
like that, obviously that's not,you're not going to be able to
have this high level ofcollaboration and continued
connection to this person.
You need to move on to more of aparallel parenting from separate
homes.
It's really the only option toco-parent with someone like
this.
Severe conflict or somebody thatreally has no respect for or
(12:32):
really likes to bend rules.
It gets confusing for kids whenit's like, well, you know, all
of a sudden dad stays for dinnermost nights, or some nights he
sleeps over, some nights hedoesn't, or he's checking, you
know, your search history onNetflix and digging through the
trash to see what you were upto.
(12:53):
Like that kind of stuffindicates we're not in a good
space.
We're not in a emotionallymature enough space to be having
somebody have access to yourprivate space, which is your
home.
Where it also doesn't work iswhen there's really no exit
plan.
So, in my opinion, and this isnot the opinion of everybody,
(13:13):
but I think nesting is atemporary solution.
I don't think long term itreally makes a lot of sense.
You're still living togetherthen.
I think that it works if you'relike, we're gonna do this for
six months, or until we have ourpermanent orders, or until kiddo
(13:35):
goes to high school and wechange schools, anyways, until
we sell the house.
You know, there's many thingsyou can do, but it can't be a
forever ambiguous solution.
At some point, we need to havean endpoint for this to work, or
it's gonna kind of fall apart alittle bit.
How do we make this work?
What are really important coreprinciples that we don't waver
(13:57):
from, that we really keep in theforefront of our minds as we are
doing or approaching thisnesting thing?
And I'll talk about some morespecific guidelines in a minute,
but always we want to reallykeep the focus on kids.
We want the child's routines tostay as as consistent and as
simple and as typical aspossible.
(14:18):
Now, this is things like when weget up to go to school, what it
looks like when we get home fromschool.
You want to try to make bedtimessimilar.
Think about them as siblings,not twins.
Even if you're happily marriedand raising kids together, your
bedtimes are gonna be different.
Mom's bedtime is gonna lookdifferent than dad's bedtime.
(14:40):
It just does.
And so you're never gonna havethe expectation that's very
unrealistic, that they are both100% the same.
They're gonna be slightlydifferent, but we wanna try to
keep them on a bigger scale asconsistent as possible.
Meaning we kind of agree, weagree that we go upstairs at
(15:02):
eight o'clock.
I and then we read a book, andthis is kind of what our routine
looks like.
Now, dad might read a differentbook, dad might lay in bed and
read the book, or sit in thesnuggly chair, and you might sit
on the floor.
Like you can have variations inthat, but how the routine would
look similar is we generally tryto keep this eight o'clock
bedtime, and the bedtime sort oflooks like this every time.
(15:25):
There's slight variations in howI do it versus how dad does it
or how your co-parent does it.
Okay.
You want to keep nesting lowercontact, right?
You don't, this is isn't amarriage.
It isn't a relationship that isromantic and involved.
You don't need to be havingthese very long, drawn-out
(15:46):
conversations.
You want to keep it prettybusiness like.
You want to treat it more likeships passing in the night or
like a relay baton pass ratherthan a team huddle.
Okay.
Clarity and structure are yourfriends in making this work.
So having some pretty specificthings you talked about.
(16:08):
You know, this is what we do forthe groceries.
This is how we split the costfor the groceries.
This is who handles the mowingand the snow removal.
You can tell that I'm from theMidwest and the mountains
because I always include snowremoval.
This is how we handle thesethings.
One of my best friends lives inthe South.
She talks about like bugmitigation, like they spray for
(16:28):
bugs.
I'm like, Jesus Christ.
The South.
Holy cow, y'all.
Um that is also, by the way, whyI say y'all sometimes is because
of my very, very long-termrelationship with her.
So, you know, I'm not handlingbug mitigation.
I don't shovel snow unless Ihave to.
I would probably hire someone todo it, honestly.
(16:50):
But these tasks that you want tobe thinking about ahead of time.
Well, what happens when you'reat the house and the snowstorm
hits?
Do you shovel the snow then?
Is whoever is there responsiblefor it?
Or is that other person expectedto come by and shovel the walks?
That might seem really obviousto you, but I can think of right
(17:11):
now and talking about that,about 20 different ways that you
could have agreed for that togo.
You want to have these thingssort of identified ahead of time
so that you're not in conflictover them as they come up.
Again, I want to reiterate thispoint that this works well when
it's temporary by design.
And I definitely recommend ifyou think you're gonna do this,
(17:31):
set a trial date.
Not court, not court trial.
That's probably already set foryou.
What I mean is let's try thisfor a month.
Let's try this for two months.
Then we'll come together at theend of those two months.
And if we agree it's notworking, then we'll figure out
our next steps.
This is Dr.
Royster coming in to you to letyou know, my wonderful
(17:53):
listeners, that we've made somereally exciting changes to the
kids' first co-parenting system.
Because co-parenting with adifficult ex is not something
that you go through a programand you come out the other side
and it just magically works.
And so we've revamped the kidsfirst co-parenting system to be
a membership.
(18:14):
Come in, get your first monthhalf off, get all the lessons,
get your video coaching with thegroup and myself, of course.
Stay as many months as you need.
Use the code ProtectKids atcheckout at
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Get the support you know thatyou need.
We're inside the community.
(18:34):
We've made it a membership sothat it can be so much more
accessible and affordable formoms just like you.
Join us today.
What are some actual tangiblesteps that you can do if you
want to make this work?
First, you need to decide on astructure.
So, what does that mean?
(18:55):
How often are you going in andout?
What, you know, I should addtoo, another time I've seen this
work is when one person travelsa lot.
That's a pretty easy way to makeit work because they're just not
there, right?
So choosing a structure.
So, you know, who, what days dowe do this?
What time do we do it?
Do we do it after bedtime?
(19:15):
Do we do it at dinner?
Do we eat dinner together?
And then we go our separateways.
How are we making this work?
Okay.
Write down or at least jot downtogether what your house rules
are.
Who takes care of the tasks?
What do we do with mail?
Packages.
Do you open mail?
That's not to you.
(19:35):
Who takes care of the pets?
How who controls the thermostat?
I like my house frigid.
A lot of people don't.
Who gets to do that?
Who cleans up the leaves in thebackyard?
Um, and bigger rules, such aswho is allowed in the home as a
guest when we're not there.
How do we feel about overnightguests or new partners?
(19:59):
Trust is probably probably ano-no on that one.
But different strokes, differentfolks.
As long as you've discussed it,perhaps it's a non-issue.
It probably is an issue, butperhaps it's a non-issue.
Okay, so like what what are therules?
Who walks the dog?
Who cleans out the dog poop?
Who does the laundry?
(20:20):
How to, you know, how do Ihandle it if I come in and the
clothes are in the washer andthey're wet and they've been
there for a day.
Like, am I gonna be salty aboutit, or am I just like, I'm gonna
go ahead and wash them again andget going?
You wanna think about all thosethings because as you're
thinking about them and you'rekind of working through them,
you're getting ahead ofpotential conflicts.
(20:41):
I think it's a good idea to havesome privacy plans in place.
Just like when you stay at anAirbnb, there's a locked closet
of the people's personal stuffyou can't go in.
You know, because people like tosnoop, a locked file cabinet for
each person, or, you know, havea rule that, like, we're not
gonna look at each other's iPadsif they stay here, or laptops,
(21:03):
or work materials, or kind ofanything that gets, you know, if
your retirement statement getssent to the house, even though
your ex's name is on it, you'renot gonna open it.
So you want to talk aboutprivacy and you need to be able
to trust that this person isrespecting that.
Because again, if you can't,then nesting's probably not for
(21:24):
you.
But again, I'm just giving youthe ideas of how this works.
A little bit outside of mydomain, but something that I
obviously know you need to doand have a good system for,
would be tracking the financesand tracking money very clearly
and plainly.
Who's paying for rent,utilities, groceries, repairs,
(21:45):
cleaners?
It's a good idea to have a timethat you're gonna square up and
think about reimbursements andlike how do we want to do that?
Are we using Venmo?
Is one person paying foreverything?
What have you agreed?
Don't go into this not havingthat conversation.
Because when you come back fromflying out of the nest in your
(22:05):
apartment and there's a newcouch sitting in your living
room, you better be better havealready talked about it.
Because then you can't be like,well, what?
How did we the person's like,well, we needed a new couch and
you're responsible for half ofit.
Like, no, no.
Or maybe yes.
Maybe you've already discussedit.
These are the things you need toknow.
(22:27):
I'd like for you to keeproutines for your kids as stable
as possible.
We did talk about that a littlebit already, and your
communications.
This is your opportunity tostart learning how to move out
of that marriage lens and intothat co-parenting lens of we're
(22:47):
no longer in relationshipanymore.
You're not my partner anymore,you are my co-parent.
And I do have to talk to youabout a lot of things, but there
are ways and strategies that Ido that and keep that very
businesslike.
This is just a little tasteabout nesting.
I don't coach a lot on nestingbecause, quite frankly, these
are not usually my clients.
(23:09):
My clients that I work withoften have people that they
wouldn't dream of nesting with.
However, there's a lot of greatresources.
I'll give you a couple in theshow notes that I like to hand
out to folks about how to dothis and how to do it well.
That being said, it is somethinga lot of people ask me about and
have questions about.
Just like, what is that and howdo we make it work?
(23:30):
Or we're doing this.
I don't want to do it, but we'redoing it for a little bit.
So then you need to think aboutsome of the other ways that you
do that and do it successfully.
It works sometimes with reallyclear rules, limited contact, a
budget, firm exit plans, firmstrategies, you know, and seeing
(23:50):
if it works well for you, atrial period, so to speak.
Start pretty small, prettymanageable, be kind, keep it
child-centered, write everythingdown, and we'll see what
happens.
If you've tried nesting and youwant to share a little bit about
that experience, we wouldwelcome that inside our private
Facebook group, or you can justsend me a message.
(24:12):
I always love to hear people'sstories about how they've
navigated these really trickythings.
So thanks for being here.
We'll see you on the nextepisode of the Kids First
Co-Parenting podcast.
Thanks so much for listening tothis episode of Kids First
Co-Parenting.
The best way you can support theshow is by following, rating,
(24:33):
and reviewing wherever youlisten to podcasts, and by
sharing it with another mom whocould use the support.
You can also connect with me onInstagram and Facebook at Learn
with Little House.
And if you're ready to go deepand get more tools, scripts,
personalized support, andcoaching, come join us inside
the Kids First Co Parentingcommunity.
You'll find the details atLearnwithlittlehouse.com.
(24:55):
Thanks for being here.
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