Dating is Like Roses: You Have to Watch out for the Pricks Rewind

No one can debate the numerous ways the internet has changed life for human beings. From the way we receive information, to the way we communicate, and now, process social interaction. This is true nowhere more than the world of dating. Anyone who has used the internet to meet other people, especially for dating, can verify what a terrible experience it can be. In this "rewind" episode from season 3, episode 22, join Apostle Lee Ann Marino for a "how-to-guide" on navigating the complicated world of online dating - and how to utilize it to stay safe, figure out what you want, and meet other people. (Intro and Conclusion Track "Ready to Rock" by Yvgeniy Sorokin, https://pixabay.com/users/eugenemyers-40510887/. Righteous Pen Publications Track "Inspirational Background" by AudioCoffee, https://pixabay.com/music/corporate-inspirational-background-112290/.)

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Are you a writer who wants to become an author?

(00:06):
The righteous Pen Publications Group is waiting for you with packages and options available
for every situation, including self and full publishing services and nine different
imprints, both religious and secular.
This company has the power to take your manuscript and turn it into the book you've always

(00:31):
wanted.
Visit their website at righteouspenpublications.com.
The righteous Pen Publications Group.
Find your voice with us.
Welcome to Kingdom Now, the podcast featuring Faith with an Edge, as we recognize the

(00:54):
Kingdom of God within you.
I am your host, Dr. Lee Ann Marino, apostle, Overseer, author, podcaster, blogger, professor
and theologian, and founder of Safe Ministries and all the works that go along with it.
I am excited to share this program with you.
As we explore the ins and outs of Counterculture Christianity, present as you live out the Kingdom

(01:17):
of God in your everyday life.
Want to learn more?
Visit www.kingdompowernow.org
And now our program, which features a variety of formats, here, just for you.
Interviews on a variety of relevant topics, teaching and preaching taught everywhere from
our ministry studios to sanctuary and beyond.

(01:38):
And powerful insights here for today as we turn the world upside down everywhere we go.
Well, good morning, good afternoon, good evening, happy whatever time of day is wherever you

(01:58):
are.
And to our listeners in Italy, we say bon giorno.
We hope that whatever time of day is when you are listening that you are having a good
one.
And I welcome you to this edition of the Kingdom Now podcast and I am your host, Apostle
Dr. Lee Ann Marino here, as the SpitFire serving as the voice of Counterculture Christianity,
where we feature the theme of faith with an edge.
And if you'd like to learn more about the world of Counterculture Christianity, feel

(02:20):
free to visit my website at www.kingdompowernow.org
Our latest rewind features a topic that was actually very near and dear to my heart for
a long time as I tried to navigate the world of online dating without a whole lot of background
or understanding to do it for a few years after my first husband died.

(02:43):
This episode, dating is like roses you have to watch out for the pricks.
It's a rewind from Kingdom Now season three, episode 22.
And I pray that it is an inspiration to you.
Today, I'm going to be talking about online dating is like roses you have to watch out

(03:05):
for the pricks.
Pretty self explanatory, but basically we're already talking about online dating.
The good, the bad, and the indifferent, and often many times the very bad.
But if you hang in there long enough, you will often receive something that is very good
from the experience.

(03:26):
And so online dating is a very in thing, but it still remains very controversial.
And I think that one of the reasons why it remains so controversial is because it is kind
of an unseen world.
We always hear about the pitfalls.
We always hear about the stories where people meet and someone's a serial killer and then

(03:51):
they never make a home from their date.
Or we hear about the stories where people are catfished where in other words, somebody
pretends to be somebody that they're not or somebody gets scanned.
And that can make the world of online dating seem really, really daunting.
And I'm even going to say kind of scary.
If you really don't know what you're doing and you're really not sure about what you're

(04:15):
looking for or you're really kind of not sure about where things ought to go, it's very,
very reasonable to say that the world of online dating can be a very, very intimidating
and scary place.
But what I'm here to tell you is that it does not have to be that way.
You have to be smart.
You have to stay safe.

(04:35):
If something doesn't feel right, it's probably not.
So what I'm going to tell you in that instance is to go with your instincts, but overall,
if you want to navigate online dating, well, the bottom line is you have to watch out
for the pricks and you have to watch out for everything that's going to kind of come
along that's going to throw you off or put you in a bad position and stand against that

(05:00):
in every way that it is possible for you to do so.
But I think that in order to kind of get a navigational feel for online dating, the first thing
that you kind of have to do is answer some questions within yourself about how you feel
about the process.
So probably one of the most commonly asked things I am asked as a minister and I am asked

(05:24):
just kind of as a person as somebody who is in different situations and involved in
online dating myself over the past couple of years, the question becomes is dating okay.
And in a lot of Christian circles dating is seen as a negative thing.
It's seen as a bad thing.

(05:45):
It's seen as something that should be avoided and there's a whole host of reasons why people
argue that.
They say it's not leading to marriage.
They say that it's bad.
They say that it's just about hooking up.
But the reality is that dating I think is very important and I think that if you are interested
in finding somebody, even if you are not sure what you're looking for, okay.

(06:12):
And I'm going to kind of rescind that statement in a few minutes but bear with me for a minute.
If you're not really sure what kind of person you're looking for, if you're not really sure
what exactly you want from a relationship, I think that dating is a really really good source

(06:34):
of experience.
And I say that because dating does not have to be all about hopping into bed.
It can very sincerely be about learning about what you're looking for.
It can be about meeting different people.
It can be about having different experiences.
And assuming that all dating is bad and all dating is wrong and all dating is going to

(06:58):
lead you into some mysterious world of sin is not a good approach to life.
We are here to have different experiences.
We are here to meet new people and I believe that dating is part of that.
And I'm going to be very upfront in saying that online dating is a little bit different
than the dating we did when we were younger.

(07:19):
If you're anywhere near my age, you know what I'm talking about.
And I'm about 40 years old.
So when we were kids and when we were coming up as teenagers and in our early 20s, online
dating wasn't a thing.
I think I remember match.com coming around maybe when I was 23, 24 years old.

(07:44):
And by that time I already had a whole experience with dating and online dating being really
new was seen as a really, really negative thing.
It was seen as a really bad thing.
It was seen as a way to become a character on law and order SVU.
Now obviously with the whole number of people who are involved in online dating that cannot

(08:08):
possibly be the case because yeah, there are some really extreme cases out there.
But over all millions of people engaged in online dating every day and for the most part people
are okay by it other than it being a rather traumatic experience.
But we used to date people that we knew at school.
We would date people that we met on the job.

(08:29):
We would date people that lived in our neighborhood.
We would date people that we met out somewhere.
We would go to places sometimes deliberately to meet people.
And keeping all that in mind, that was the way that we did things back then.
That was our social circle.
Maybe somebody hooked us up with somebody else or we would go on a blind date with someone's
brother's best friend.

(08:51):
Those were the ways that we kind of social networked in the days before we really had
the internet.
And in my instance, I met my late husband online but it wasn't online dating.
We kind of met through somebody that we knew.
And I did marry him and I was basically 15 years out of the dating series from the time

(09:17):
he and I met until I went out on my first date after he had died.
And so that was about a 15 year period of time.
And online dating was this incredibly overwhelming, traumatic, insanely intimidating experience
for me.
I had been out of the dating scene so long and it was like I went from one type of experience

(09:42):
to a totally different one.
And there are people in talking about dating who say, "Well, what about letting things happen
like I was talking about before?"
You know, maybe you just meet someone at the store or somebody introduces you to their
brother's best friend or maybe you're out in your neighborhood on a walk and you come
across someone.
And what I'm going to say is if that's what you're looking for and you really are looking

(10:06):
for that kind of more old school dating setting, then by all means have it.
I'm not going to tell you not to have it.
I'm not going to tell you not to aspire to that.
If you want to wait and see how things go and just kind of let something happen in your
life in that way, by all means great go for it.
But what I'm going to say overall to that kind of approach is that like I just described

(10:32):
20, 30 years ago, we had different social networking.
We had different ways that we connected with our friends.
Our social circles were often a lot smaller and people were more apt to be more involved
in other people's lives in their social settings.
So you know people went out more justice friends or they went out more socially than they often

(10:55):
do now and then you kind of throw COVID in there.
We also have to consider that a lot of people are not getting out like they used to.
So well, the idea of meeting somebody in a hallmark movie in the grocery store at 2 o'clock
on a Saturday afternoon and you suddenly start talking over the tomatoes and you suddenly

(11:18):
fall in love and want to get married one day is not totally impossible.
I don't really know how likely it is nowadays in today's society.
There are people who say they'll meet someone at work.
Well a lot of businesses have policies against inter-office dating and so that can become

(11:38):
a deterrent to meeting somebody.
And so while things can happen and I'm not saying that they can't, I'm also going to not
discount the very extensive number of especially women I've met who are still waiting for Mr.
right and they've never been married and they really have never dated and they're 39,

(12:00):
40, 50 years old by now and they still have not had those basic experiences because they're
waiting to meet somebody some traditional way or they're waiting for God to just kind of
send them somebody along their lines and so what I would say is that the internet has changed
our social strata already and whether or not it's for the better is not really the point.

(12:25):
It is where we're at, this is where society is at right now and it's not that simple to
just think that meeting people is that easy of an experience anymore.
It's not the way that things used to be and so online dating we can kind of see it as
a neutral thing that it's a way of meeting people.

(12:47):
It's finding a new social network.
It's finding a new social circle and it is the way the majority of really.
Relationships do start today, the majority of relationships do not start in person anymore.
So I say yes dating is okay and I'm even going to say that online dating is okay.

(13:08):
If you're smart about it, if you're savvy and if you take the time to learn the system,
to learn the new ways of communication and to learn the new things that go along with
it, then it really can be something that helps you not only to meet people but to stay current.
I can vouch that online dating can be a myer, it can be confusing and there are a few things

(13:35):
that we can do in order to help that experience.
But overall, even though I certainly have not met everybody I ever met online in person
and I certainly did not date everybody I met online in person, that there are a lot of
benefits that have come from it.
One of them being you can often make friends and you can often talk to people and learn

(13:59):
things about people that maybe you never considered and in the process you kind of learn things
yourself.
So let's start off with basically what is online dating for those who aren't familiar.
Well, online dating is using the internet to meet people for potential dating and it's

(14:21):
often done through specific apps or sites that are designed for that purpose.
They are specifically designed to match and for you to meet people offline that you have
something in common with before you ever go out on a date.
So for example, they might have different things that match you with other people.

(14:46):
There are typically profiles and the profiles have pictures and there might be a pseudonym
or a handle as we often call it online or there might be an actual first name.
Some sites they have first and last name, some sites they have your first name and last
initial.
Some we all just kind of go with a nickname on and you have certain things that you put

(15:12):
in on your profile and the site brings up people within a certain radius of where you are
who you have certain things in common with and often many times the site is matching you
because you might be perceived to be a match.
So there are common dating sites we will talk about some of those later in this program

(15:36):
and what you do is you look through the profile and if you like the profile you swipe right
and if you don't like the profile you swipe left or you might hit a button that is a little
hard or you might hit something that is a thumbs up but somehow that indicates that you

(15:56):
are interested in knowing more about that person and that person has the option to find
out through the site that you have liked them or that you are somehow interested in them
and they can either like you back and reach out or sometimes they can message you depending
on the site or you might be able to have a direct message or a conversation or something

(16:16):
of that nature that kind of lets you know that something is going to go on now and you
are going to kind of go beyond just being a profile with pictures and some information
on it.
So what are people looking for on online dating sites?
Well the first thing I am probably going to say that I think is important is that it does

(16:40):
vary because standard social media like Facebook and Twitter and things like that have started
to develop new issues whether they are privacy concerns or maybe it is just you have been on
a social media network for so long that you don't really reach out or you don't really
talk to people like to use to on it or maybe you don't sign in anymore.

(17:04):
A lot of times you will find people who use dating sites just because they want to talk
to somebody else.
So you may find anything and everything on a dating site.
You most likely and definitely find people who are single who are looking to date.
Now how they define date may vary and that is a conversation that yes you will have to

(17:26):
have with every single person unless somehow in their profile they indicate what they are
looking for.
So you may have people who upfront say look I am married I just want people to talk to
or I am just looking for friends right now or I am not really in a place to be dating I am
just looking for X, Y and Z.

(17:47):
So you might have people upfront about that but most of the time people are not and you
have to have a conversation and typically reasonably soon within the conversation you can kind
of get an idea of what they are looking for.
You might have somebody who is single looking to hook up or have a friend with benefits and
we are going to define those terms later.

(18:08):
You may have somebody who is partnered who is looking for someone on the side or might
be in what is classified as an open relationship which I am also going to talk a little bit
more about later.
You might have somebody who is partnered and looking for a third which would basically
mean that it is a couple that is looking to bring a third person into their relationship
for any different number of things and we will talk a little bit more about that later

(18:32):
as well.
You might have somebody who is married who is looking for someone on the side as in yes
what we would traditionally call in a fair or maybe somebody who is looking for another
partner who is a third who would be in an open relationship.
You also find a lot of people who are lonely and who just want friends or who might just
want someone to talk to and they are not really getting a whole lot of response on traditional

(18:55):
social media.
Okay.
So what are some unique issues presented with online dating?
Well as I said earlier about figuring out what you want to kind of kind of describe that
statement a little bit now but I am going to explain what I mean.
One of the most important and key things when you are dealing with online dating is figuring

(19:18):
out what you are looking for.
It does benefit you if you know what you want before you get started and the reason I
say that is because nobody really has a very easy time on online dating and what I mean
by that is you have a lot of things you have to wade through.

(19:39):
You have a lot of people that you have to kind of figure things out.
You have to have a lot of conversations that are sometimes not really comfortable to have
and often in online dating you are having the conversations out the gate before you have
ever met somebody.
So people are going to ask you what you are looking for on the side and when you discuss what

(20:00):
you are looking for on the side you need to have an answer.
Now it is perfectly okay to say you are not really sure or you are kind of trying to figure
things out or you are just kind of not really sure where you are out with stuff.
It is okay to say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of that but it helps
you to know when people are asking you to do things or are offering to do things.

(20:25):
If you have an idea of it and the reason I say that is because people are pushy and I have
even been in situations where I have been up front and told people look I am not looking
for what you are looking for and they come back with well you don't know until you try
or have you ever done it or you know well why don't you give it a shot.
People can be very very pushy because everybody is looking for whatever the results are that

(20:49):
they want and what they are doing and so it is not as easy to meet people in person to
take the leap off the internet as one might think.
And so it is perfectly fine for you to want to process what you are doing and to change
what you are doing as you go through the experience.
You know let us say that maybe you start out and you really want to experiment with the

(21:13):
friends with benefits concept and the longer the time goes on you really start to discover
that no maybe you want more of a relationship.
It is all right for you to change your mind about what you want but it is very very helpful
for you to kind of have what you want in mind before things start so that you are able
to not be so easily pressured into something that maybe in the long run is really not what

(21:38):
you want.
So it is all right to think about it, it is all right to experiment, it is all right to
kind of question maybe where you want to be and what is going to be most advantageous
for you all of that is okay.
But knowing the basics of what you want even if you don't really know what kind of type
of person you are looking for you don't know what kind of long term maybe dynamic you

(22:00):
want it is good to have a general sense of what it is that you want.
Another thing that to kind of keep in mind with online dating that a lot of people run
into and I think that it is one of the major reasons why online relationships often have
such a difficult time making the leap to reality is because online dating often feels

(22:23):
like a job.
It does not feel fun, it does not feel social, it does not even feel real.
It feels like a job.
You are trying to be the right candidate and trying to find the right candidate at the
same time.
So it is kind of like being a job candidate and a job interviewer at the same time and you

(22:44):
have to consider that what I am talking about if you are really serious about meeting someone
it is time consuming.
It is a lot of times spent on apps looking through profiles, looking at pictures if you are
on more than one app or site, odds are good you are going to overlap with the same people
a couple times over and even if you have told those people know they are going to be there

(23:08):
trying to get you to say yes again you have to read a lot of profiles, you have to pay attention
to a lot of details.
Like for example I do not want to be with a smoker, I don't want to be with somebody that is
a drug user.
So when I would be looking over a profile or when I am in a situation to be looking at a

(23:28):
profile, I have to make sure that somebody does not indicate that they smoke daily or that
they are a real heavy drinker or that they are a weed user and there are lots of codes for
these different things in profiles.
For example somebody will have puffs of smoke and that indicates often or most of the

(23:49):
time that they are typically 420 friendly or that they are weed friendly or they will say
420 friendly or they will say something else to that kind of extent like they say they
like to experiment with drugs or that they are really open minded.
I am not somebody who is interested in an open or polyamorous relationship.
So you have to kind of pay attention for the lingo for stuff like that.

(24:12):
It takes time to really be skilled at online dating and skills enough to know what you are
dealing with and know what you are doing.
And so given the time issue, it is often very overwhelming especially if you are new to
it and you are kind of used to something being a little bit different than this.
You are kind of used to somebody who can you up or you meet with somebody who you just

(24:36):
kind of overlapped and you keep overlapping and you want to date.
It is a very, very involved process and being smart about it takes time and it does take
a certain level I would even say of self-knowledge.
So one of the major reasons why people go to other people and I am also going to say submarine

(24:57):
other people and I will define those words in a little bit is because of the amount of
time online dating takes.
It takes a lot of time to go on the site and to review profiles.
It takes a lot of time even once you have met somebody to make it back on when you have
to go through all the fluff to kind of get to a point and then meet in person.

(25:19):
And then you also kind of have the implication what if you meet somebody better or somebody
more suited or somebody that is more along the lines of what you want.
And when you have 50 million profiles in front of you all the time that is a viable thought
that a lot of people have.
So making the overall commitment to say that look I want to date you exclusively can be

(25:42):
a bit of a stretch for some people.
Now once again it is not impossible and I don't want to give the impression it is impossible
or it is discouraging.
I have known a lot of people who have online dated and who have had successes with it.
I have had successes with online dating.
Overall it is just something that you have to get the feel for and navigate so that you

(26:02):
can ultimately know how things will work best for you in using these different methods
in order to engage in online dating.
So what are some things to consider about what you want when we are talking about online
dating?
So the first thing that I know has been a particular experience for me is the issue of

(26:28):
age gap.
Now I have done an episode, it was done in season two of this podcast where I talked about
the original cougars and I talked about leverite marriage and the reality of women being older in the
relationships than men as actually being something that goes back quite a ways.

(26:49):
But in this particular instance, what I am talking about in more of a modern context
is that I was suddenly approached by men who were significantly younger than me for dating.
And I have been approached by men of pretty much every age, everything from about 18, 19
years old to up in their 60s.

(27:12):
And I had to in my own personal experience kind of decide what I want.
Now dating younger was not something I ever really saw myself doing but it is something
I have done.
And it is something that did work for me within certain limits.
So like for example I would not be somebody who would go out with an 18 year old but somebody

(27:33):
who is maybe 10 years younger than me or maybe 8 years younger than me or something in that
age gap really has not been that bad of a fit.
And so because I have had that particular experience and I did try it is something that
I would do again.
And it is something that really has been something that benefited me in my life.

(27:54):
People who are older, somebody who is 50 plus, 60 plus that is definitely not for me.
Somebody who is my own age or within a certain range of my age gap that has been okay for the
most part too within certain limits, not all that went that well.
But what I would say is that you have to be prepared for something to approach you that

(28:16):
may not necessarily be within the age range that you would think is normal.
You know when we were coming up like I say 20, 30 years ago and we were dating, we dated
for the most part our own age or within a few years of that because our social circles
were more limited to more immediate people within our age group.

(28:36):
And our social experiences were more localized.
So with that in mind and with that kind of reality we have to consider and think about how
we feel about age gaps in relationships because it is something if you spend any amount of
time online you are going to get people who are interested in your age group that is not

(29:00):
of your age group.
So if it is something you are interested in, go for it.
If it is something you are not interested in, that is okay too.
But it is something that does come up because the internet makes it easy for people to
look for what they want.
So there are websites for people who do have age gaps between them.
There are websites for people who prefer women or men or non-binary who are curvier or who

(29:27):
maybe are more plus sized or who are bigger or it might be examples where people are into
certain interests like maybe reading or athletics or certain levels of income or intellect.
There is really pretty much an app out there for everything as far as dating goes or for
even meeting people in kind of a social setting.

(29:49):
You also have to consider if you are interested in a foreign or an international relationship.
Now that is something that I can't really educate you on specifically because I have not
really pursued long term anything that was international because personally I don't really

(30:10):
know how that would work and with COVID and with all sorts of different things it is
a little bit more complicated.
I was involved with somebody for about four months who was overseas and it was probably my initial
base relationship once my husband died that I did kind of start out with that.

(30:30):
But obviously it didn't work.
We never wound up meeting in person and for a lot of different reasons the relationship
just kind of did not work out.
Now that doesn't mean you all can't.
It doesn't mean that somebody else it won't work for but it is something to think about.
It's something from that relationship I really kind of made the decision that it would

(30:51):
be much more my preference to have somebody who states I'd so that I can at least meet
them and we can kind of move things along.
But that's not necessarily how everybody feels and sometimes that may be something that
really interests you.
So it's something once again to consider.
You don't know who you're dating can be an issue but that can also be a saving grace and

(31:17):
this is what I mean by that.
We don't often know people for real until we meet them in person but sometimes you come
across people that you really don't want to meet in person.
So people often debate the safety of online dating but I think that the fact that we often

(31:38):
don't know who we're considering going out with initially until we've talked to them
a few times can be a really really good thing.
I have known people who seemed all right in text and seemed okay in initial exchange
but when you maybe did a video cam talk or maybe you talked on the phone they seemed

(32:01):
very very very different and it was my prerogative immediately to back off and to not pursue
that.
Now, did I sometimes cut people off and not give them any explanation?
Sometimes I did if I felt that uncomfortable with them or that uncomfortable with their
intensity or maybe with where they were at.

(32:22):
I did do that a few times.
I do try to let people know but sometimes that's not an option.
But I can tell you that there were people that I have spoken to over time that I was so
very grateful that I did not know them in person.
I was so very very very grateful that I was able to cut things off quickly rather than have

(32:46):
to deal with the awkwardness that they picked me up for a date and they knew where I lived
or they had my phone number or maybe they kind of knew the vicinity in which where I was.
And so it can be a benefit and you can have more control in who you choose to meet if you
use online dating right.
And for that reason as much as it might seem kind of hopeless, the reality is that you are

(33:12):
only going to meet a fraction of the people you wind up talking to.
You will probably wind up with a lot of people who are occasional, who talk to you every
now and then, who check in with you here and there, maybe they flirt a little bit, but
overall the majority of people you meet online you will not meet in person and you will have
to deal with the reality of people disappearing and then seeming to reappear again.

(33:38):
And sometimes on one of those instances you will wind up meeting a person and sometimes
you won't, but that principle of them kind of disappearing and then reappearing again
is called submarineing.
Above all it is really really important to listen to your instincts.
If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't right.

(34:00):
And if somebody seems to be coming on too strong then they are probably coming on too strong.
If somebody seems to be awkward then they are probably awkward.
And if somebody really just doesn't seem like what you are looking for then they are probably
not what you are looking for.
And listening to and learning those instincts can come in real handy with online dating

(34:21):
because you do have a lot of options.
It is not like the days where we only knew a handful of people.
You can have sometimes a couple hundred inquiries at once.
You can have stuff coming through all the time.
You can have periods where you have nothing.
It really does vary.
But learning to follow your instincts when you are dealing with such a wide volume of people

(34:44):
and such a wide variety of interactions really is a very, very helpful tool.
Keep in mind people can be very critical and they can be cruel just like they can be on
general social media.
You can have someone you think you are going great with and then all of a sudden they say
something and they turn into a different person and they become cruel and cold.

(35:08):
You can have people criticize your pictures.
I mean I had pictures that people told me I looked gorgeous in that I don't have a line
on my face.
Most people tell me I look about 28, 29 years old that I don't look my age.
But then you get somebody who blows you off and who makes it out like you are not really
looking the age that you are or they're unkind or they're hurtful or they're bullying.

(35:31):
Those are very real things and we have the block feature on dating sites.
We have the report feature on dating sites.
I'm going to tell you straight up use them.
If somebody is really not being right or acting like they should be on a site report them.
Report them because most of the time why people don't do that is because they're afraid

(35:53):
it might come back to bite them in the ass but you know reporting is an important feature
and we have that for a reason and do not let anybody let you down.
Just as much as you might not be somebody's cup of tea they ain't somebody's cup of tea
either and you will be somebody's cup of tea.
I've seen commercials where they talk about oh your love life is waiting and they're trying

(36:13):
to sell you diet pills.
Look everybody who says that is lying there are plenty of people on the internet who like
plus size curvy people.
There are plenty of people who like these people.
There are plenty of people who like in the middle people and there are plenty of people
who like personalities.
So there is a whole expanse of availability on the internet for you.

(36:34):
Whatever you may have, whoever you may be, whatever you may be looking for, believe me it's
out there.
So we can't not talk about internet dating without talking about scammers.
And the scammer profile has almost become so legendary it's a joke but it amazes me

(36:57):
how many people still don't pick up on it when they experience it for themselves.
So first of all, a scammer profile has pictures that are just a little bit too perfect.
They look staged.
They almost look like their models and that's often because they are because they stole
the pictures from somewhere and they stole the pictures from a side.

(37:20):
The scammer looks gorgeous in the profile.
And the reason why the scammer looks gorgeous is because that's not really the scammer but
also because when you're doing online dating, the reality is that you're dealing with
average ordinary people.
And average ordinary people don't look like models.

(37:41):
We don't look like celebrities.
We don't look like famous people.
So the profiles really stand out.
They really look like somebody you would want to get to know or somebody that you go,
"Oh my God, this incredible looking person is paying attention to me.
Why is that?"
Well, they're paying attention to you because it's a fake profile and somebody wants your

(38:02):
money.
And that's the beginning and the ending of it.
The people in the pictures don't look real.
And there are a couple of things to kind of keep in mind with scammer dialogue.
If you're not really sure about whether or not the pictures are legit, these are some
things that make a difference.

(38:23):
The first thing is that they tend to have very vague and leading details in their profiles
or they talk to you with very vague and leading details.
So the first thing most often is that they claim to be from somewhere.
But now they're on some sort of secret mission or business often and all.

(38:45):
You know, military is very popular and now they're not where they're from.
So they'll say, "Oh, I'm from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, USA."
Now anybody who's from the United States knows we don't talk about that.
Or they might say, "Oh, well, I'm from Belarus, but now I'm in the United States on business."

(39:05):
Or I'm in Europe, you know, handling an old rig or I'm involved in a vineyard or something
to that extent.
It tends to be very, very high-end sounding jobs or military things that tend to make a really
big difference when somebody is observing a profile.
They speak in broken English or they speak in obviously that manner, and that's not very

(39:29):
common to Americans.
And that's often because they're from another country where if English is spoken like,
for example, in Nigeria, where a lot of these scams come out of that English is either not
their first language or the way that they speak in English is different.
So it's British with their own unique twist or their own kind of unique spin.

(39:49):
So like, for example, they'll say please a lot.
They'll say, "Please, where are you from?"
Now we don't talk like that one more from the United States.
We say, "Oh, where are you from?"
So they'll say, "Oh, well, can you answer my question, please?"
And it's not that saying please is a bad thing or that please means that somebody's a scammer.
It's how it's used.
It's kind of how they put their English together.

(40:10):
And they often start asking things off the bat or they kind of just do an intro off the
bat that indicates they want to get off this site and get married tomorrow.
And that tends to be a really, really, really big red flag.
Very, very, very, very, very few people nowadays on social media sites that are designed for
dating want to get married immediately.

(40:33):
They're often one of three situations.
The first is that they've never been married and they're waiting for a certain time in their
life to be right for that or they're not really sure how they feel about getting married.
They're kind of waiting for the right person to come along.
The second instance is that somebody has been married and they're either divorced

(40:53):
or is in my case widowed and they're a little bit gunshot about pursuing a marriage relationship
again.
They might be open to and at some point in time, but much like people who've never been married,
they're kind of waiting for that person to come along.
And then you have the third instance, which is where people are partnered and they're just

(41:14):
trying to kind of annex on their relationships.
So, and then in that instance, they would really not be looking to get married.
So when we're talking about these different scenarios that exist on dating sites or when
people are dating, marriage is something that people are probably interested in and that

(41:36):
they want to pursue at some point, but it's not something that they're going to get on
the site and they're ready to do tomorrow.
So, when you have somebody who's that eager to jump on the site and kind of get married
that immediately, that's a red flag.
You need to be careful with what we talk about as personally identifying information.

(41:58):
I don't recommend giving out last names unless you're comfortable with doing such in such
a situation.
So, you don't want to give out your full name unless you're really at a point where you
feel that that's okay.
So, you don't want to do it off the bat.
You don't want to give out your address or have your location where people can find you.

(42:18):
For example, on Snapchat.
Now, some people have people on Snapchat that they feel comfortable showing that too, but
overall, I don't use that feature and I would not encourage other people to use that feature
because it's too easy for you to be stalked or for somebody to familiarize themselves with
your routines, with your coming in, you're going.

(42:41):
Okay.
You don't want to give out your medical history or your family info or your social security
number or your bank account.
Anything that you wouldn't give to somebody in person that you just spent, you don't want
to give to somebody online.
You also don't want to be sending or giving anybody money.

(43:03):
I cannot emphasize, "astric" underline that enough.
Anytime anybody is asking you for money online, it's bad.
You don't want to do it.
And once you start doing it, it's very hard to get out of things where you can stop.

(43:24):
Do it to begin with.
Look, if you're dating somebody and they're that hard up, I don't know if you really want
to be dating them to begin with.
And that is not to nullify that yes, sometimes we all go through problems.
Sometimes we have issues.
Sometimes we have hard times.
I'm not knocking any of that at all.
But somebody should not be asking you for money online and you should not be giving it

(43:46):
to them online.
So do not do that.
Now scammers are a part of a world of what we often would call bots, which are often robotic
responses by which people are just responding in order to get a bite out of somebody in order
to get more information or in order to get what they need to get in order to get money from

(44:07):
you.
There's also what's called catfishing, which there is an entire show on MTV called catfish.
I have actually not ever watched it, but I have seen enough of the clips and have read
enough about it to know a little bit about what it is.
That fishing is basically when somebody puts up a fake profile for whatever reason in the
hopes of meeting somebody because they don't want to present as themselves.

(44:29):
So that can be, for example, a scammer would be a catfisher, but you also have people who
catfish for other reasons.
It might be that they're embarrassed about something or they're lying about something in
their lives or they don't want anybody to know that they're there.
And so that is also something to kind of be where.
So what else do you kind of need to think about and deal with when you're looking to go

(44:57):
out on a date, on an online dating site?
Okay.
You want to meet in public, especially the first time.
In fact, I would maybe even say the second time.
I would maybe even say the third.
It really does depend on how things go in the general lab that you get and did you ask
the right questions?
Do you kind of feel like you have a sense of this person?

(45:17):
And I would also say it depends on how long you talk online.
I mean, there are times where you talk online with people for a very extended period of time
and then you finally meet.
There are times when people want to go out the very next day.
You have to use good judgment.
And if people do not find themselves open to meeting in public, that's a red flag.
That is more than a red flag.

(45:38):
That's a red flag that you need to put a little moat around and just stick away from
it.
Simply because online dating gives people the option to bully, like I talked about earlier
and to pressure people into what they're really looking for.
And if you really don't know somebody, you don't want to be meeting in private.

(45:59):
So I would tell you straight up, don't be having anybody in your house and don't be going
to anybody's home, apartment, whatever until you really feel comfortable enough to do
that.
And that is most often not going to happen the first time you go out.
Your dates may go great, they may not go great, but don't feel so obligated with the processes.

(46:20):
Perfectly fine if you've been out with somebody to decide you don't want to go out with them
again.
There is nothing wrong with that.
And so be open to feeling it out and kind of seeing what happens as it goes along.
You are going to deal with things such as getting ghosted, which is basically that thing
I talked about before where things seem to be going great and you seem to have a really

(46:43):
great connection.
You might even talk on the phone, you might video, whatever, and then you don't ever hear
from the person again.
Sometimes people do just stop talking to you and I'm going to tell you straight up it happens
all the time.
It's a very, very common occurrence and there are different reasons why someone disappears
suddenly.
So it may just be that they don't feel the chemistry is right.
They might have gotten too busy.

(47:04):
They might have met somebody else.
But sometimes dating sites have funny regulations and I know that this has happened to me before
where I actually got banned on an account from a site because somebody else solicited me
for sex.
That actually offered me money and I turned it down.
But because it was for solicitation, they still banned me from the site.

(47:28):
Now I did try to fight it and it wound up in the long run really not being worth it but
that's not really the point.
It's that sometimes people do disappear and it really does not have anything to do with
anything and it may not have anything to do with you or with them it's just the situation.
But ghosting does happen and you have to reach a point where you stop taking it personally.

(47:50):
You have to just expect that as far for the course you don't always hear from everybody
all the time.
Okay.
The last thing that I'm going to mention here that I think is kind of essential for online
dating.
You have to decide about your own personal limits.
And once again that is something that can be flexible.
You can kind of figure out what you're comfortable with but you have to deal with what

(48:15):
we classify as sexting.
And sexting is basically using phone or using technology for sexual encounter.
And what that means is maybe sending nude photos.
Getting a dick pic.
You have to figure out how comfortable you are with that because you are going to get
dick pics often from strangers often out the gate.

(48:37):
You have to figure out your personal boundaries.
What are you comfortable talking about?
How comfortable are you with flirting chat or with sexual innuendo or with what they would
call sex chat?
Are you comfortable giving out your phone number or texting people?
Because those are things that people use the internet for and use online dating for and

(48:58):
you need to be comfortable knowing where your limits are because you are going to have to
enforce them.
So what is some common terminology that you deal with in online dating?
So the first thing that was urban dictionary is a thing and I'm going to say a very essential
thing, especially if you really have been out of lingo and dating for a while and you're

(49:21):
really not sure what things are you are going to have to look stuff up.
And sometimes you are going to have to look it up very, very quick and you are going to have
to know how to respond off the cuff.
So don't be afraid to look up stuff you don't know.
There is nothing wrong with that.
Ghosting we have already defined is when things seem like they are going in a good direction

(49:41):
but someone disappears on you and they no longer respond.
Friends with benefits is often acronymED FWB and it is sometimes called a friendship plus.
A relationship by which two people date sometimes exclusively sometimes not without the expectation
that things will turn into more.

(50:03):
It does involve sex that is a pretty standard understanding of friends with benefits.
So it is basically a situation and obviously there can be different variances in it but
where people are either friends it used to be that they are either friends or they agree
to somehow kind of see where things go and become friends and they do things together and

(50:25):
they are social to a certain extent with one another but they have a sexual relationship
as well.
And usually with friends with benefits it is kind of implied that if you meet somebody
else that the person is free to pursue that relationship with that other person in place
of the friends with benefits.

(50:46):
So sometimes people use friends with benefits when they are just not dating anyone or
maybe they do it in between relationships.
Sometimes they do it because they have been out of dating for a while.
Other times somebody might just do a friends with benefits of arrangement because they really
don't want to get married again or they really don't want a relationship to get to a place
where they are having the where is the relationship going conversation.

(51:09):
So it is kind of an ongoing sexual dynamic with a friendship attached.
Okay, a hook up is what we would classify is casual no strings attached sex.
So it is not a relationship there is no commitment there is absolutely nothing involved.
It is what we used to call a one night stand although some people do hook up with others
regularly and it does kind of become more of a regular thing.

(51:33):
All right, now I have to kind of censor this one a little bit because we do not want
to lose our search on Google podcasts and the term is down to and you can kind of figure
out what that f word in there is.
It is often abbreviated DTF and it is an inquiry as to whether or not someone is open to
a hook up and you will get that at the gate as a message as DTF and you have to have an

(51:59):
answer or you can just delete the inquiry depending on your mood.
Okay, once again same type of thing you can all figure out what the f word is in here buddy
and it is a casual occasional relationship usually involving two people who dated for a
bit.
The relationship did not really go anywhere but the sexual chemistry was strong and they

(52:23):
often hook up.
So it is kind of a stand by sexual partner with less of a relationship dynamic than a friend
with benefits.
So it is kind of like a regular on call hook up that somebody might have in between relationships
or in between dating.
Poly stands for polyamory and it is often used in dating to indicate that someone is looking

(52:48):
for a third or a side relationship with the consent of their partner.
So it may involve group sex like a three sum or something to that extent or it may involve
a relationship with someone involved with someone else.
So somebody who is into poly may very well be under the heading of what we would call ethical

(53:08):
non-monogamy and that is abbreviated E and M and it is a more formal term for polyamory
and it indicates that a person is seeking another partner relationship or hook up with
the consent of their significant other and that is more commonly known as an open relationship.
ETR is a common abbreviation that means define the relationship and it would be the infamous

(53:34):
relationship talk that you have with somebody by which you are trying to define what the relationship
is.
Now most often in the beginning when you meet somebody online they typically ask you what
you are looking for.
So that is often where the define the relationship comes in where the relationship would be defined

(53:57):
from the outset.
We have already discussed swiping right and swiping left and sliding into direct messages
is a way to kind of flirt or chat online.
DM standing for direct message.
So if somebody slides into your DM they are having a direct conversation with you.
What are some common dating sites or apps?

(54:18):
The first thing I am going to tell you and that this is in my own opinion and this is having
been somebody who has been on a lot of different sites over time.
I am of the opinion you shouldn't be paying for a dating site or an app.
And the reason why I am saying that is two fold.
The first is that most dating sites have free options.

(54:38):
Some of them like e-harmony do not and so it would really pretty much be a question of do
you really want something that involved?
I have had people who have been on e-harmony who were successful and some who totally flopped.
So it really is a matter of you psychologically finding what you think is going to make

(54:58):
this experience easier or less traumatic for you.
But I have been on several different ones and I have been on most of the major ones over
time and what I am going to tell you is that they are all about the same.
They all have different themes and gimmicks for you to meet somebody but the results are
pretty much always the same.
There is always a mix of people looking for different things.

(55:20):
You always have people who want a date, you have people who want to hook up, you have people
who want a friend with benefits, you have people who want to get married tomorrow, you have
people who want to just talk, you have everything on all these different sites.
And no matter what the site might promise in their algorithm, there is always going to be
sorting and vetting.

(55:41):
And so there really is nothing that takes the suck out of online dating, there just isn't.
There is nothing that really makes it that much better or easier to navigate.
It is just kind of a matter of what you are looking for and are you really going to get
the results you want where you are at.
And even with free apps and you know with free options, some sites do offer more than others.

(56:08):
And I would just say that if you are really looking to talk some are better than others and
if you want to kind of figure out who is right for you on your own, there are ways that
you can get to that.
But overall the results are about the same.
And so there isn't really any money to be paying to do this.
It is just a matter of kind of being smart about what you look into and how you do it.

(56:31):
So Facebook dating is probably one of the most popular ones because it is totally free.
You have profiles kind of like you have on Facebook and people can swipe right or swipe left.
They can comment on your pictures.
You can have conversations it does have an inbox.
And I would say that from when I was on there that overall you have a lot of very serious

(56:56):
people on Facebook dating and it is not as much of a hook up scene.
And so I think if you really want an experience to start with that Facebook dating is a good
way to go.
So popular is Tinder which Tinder is where we get the term swipe right, swipe left from
that it is the original site that offered that.

(57:18):
Tinder is a whole lot of profiles and a whole lot of options and as much as people say it's
a hook up site, the majority people on there are not looking to hook up but it's not that
easy for people to reach out and talk to you all the time on there.
And so it really is a site you have to either decide you want to give time to or not.
It wound up being something I didn't stay on real long but I know some people who really

(57:42):
really do enjoy the process and the way that it's handled and the matching and some people
are really into Tinder.
OkCupid has a lot of questions and they basically theorize by their algorithm and by
the way that you answer questions that they're finding percentages of matches for you.

(58:03):
Some people it really works for some it doesn't.
It was once again a site really didn't get a whole lot out of for me.
Bumble is what they call a woman first app which means that women have to make the first
move in order for a match to be made.
There is also Bumble for friends and for business and so Bumble is not just about dating anymore.

(58:25):
Hinge, plenty of fish, match, badoo, eharmony, silver singles is for people over 50 as is our
time and coffee meets bagel are all very popular sites and to a certain extent they're all pretty
much alike.
They have profiles, you have matches, you talk to people and you decide what you want to
do from there and some are really easy to kind of figure out what's going on on them

(58:47):
and some it's not and you have to play around with some of them and see what works for you
and what does not.
Now secondary sites are not necessarily specifically dating sites but a lot of people use them
for dating.
Such as meet meet or scout and I call them trash sites because there are a little bit of
everything on there, everything is just kind of all thrown together like the trash and

(59:10):
so you have people who just want to be friends, you have people who want to date, you have
people who want to send dick pics, you have people who want to find a third, you got people
who are cheating, you have people who just want to have friends, you have people who want
to go live.
There's a lot of things you can do on those sites and so there's a little bit of everything
and you also have friend finder which is also not specifically for dating but is often used

(59:33):
for it.
So in kind of summary, having looked over this survey of online dating, it's like I say
in the title you have to watch out for the pricks and you have to through the process let
it make you more self aware, let it make you more aware of what you want because it's
okay whatever it is that you want.

(59:54):
I'm not going to sit here and we're not going to go through the debates of is polyamory,
good or bad, is hooking up, good or bad, is sexting good or bad, I'm not going to get into all
that on here.
Do I have opinions about all that stuff?
Yeah, but the point is that it's out there and the point is that you're going to be approached
by it.

(01:00:14):
At some point in time if you are in online dating long enough you are going to encounter
these things.
You have to figure out how you feel about them for yourself and that's because I can't
answer those questions for you.
I have met a lot of people who think about things and who think things might be for them to
try and find out that they're not or who are really, really intrigued with the allure
of some of this stuff and then they do it and then they don't ever want to do it again.

(01:00:36):
I don't know what's going to happen for you in that vein, but let online dating reveal
to you what's right for you and let it teach you about yourself because ultimately the
long term relationship we all have in this life is with ourselves.
And the more that we understand ourselves the better we can be in relationships with others.

(01:00:57):
I thank you for listening to this episode today and do pray it has been a blessing to you
and if you would like some information that might help you more through the online dating
process you can check out any of the sites I mentioned.
You are also free to go on Amazon.com or wherever books are sold and get my book Discovering
Intimacy.
A journey through the Song of Solomon.

(01:01:18):
This is Discovering Intimacy.
The Wedding Workbook, your Four-Month Guide to the Marriage of Your Dreams.
That's the Wedding Workbook, your Four-Month Guide to the Marriage of Your Dreams.
That actually is not just really good for people who are getting married although it is a
text that's used in pre-marital counseling and is a text that we use in order to help people

(01:01:40):
when they're having problems in their relationship.
Why is the book important because it teaches you about you and it teaches you about relationships
and it teaches you about communication therein.
So if you're somebody who's interested in learning more about marriage you just want
to understand it as a spiritual concept you want to develop it as a person or you just
want to be better.
The Wedding Workbook, your Four-Month Guide to the Marriage of Your Dreams is available on

(01:02:03):
Amazon.com or wherever books are sold.
Look me up Dr. Lee Ann B. Marino and all my books will come up all 35 of them in total as
of right now.
Also, if you'd like to learn more about the World of Counterculture Christianity feel free
to visit my website at kingdompowernow.org.
That's kingdompowernow.org.
Also, if you are in the Charlotte, North Carolina area and you are interested in the work of sanctuary

(01:02:26):
where there is no favoritism just family feel free to visit our website at welcomeinthisplace.org.
That's welcomeinthisplace.org.
And if there is information that you would like to have that you are not finding on the site
feel free to reach out to any one of us and we'll be doing more than happy to get
back to you with whatever questions you may have and this is Apostle Dr. Lee Ann Marino

(01:02:49):
in closing reminding you that online dating often sucks.
But when it comes to finding somebody for you in your life there is no way that you can
go wrong by trying your very best to put yourself out there and find what you're looking
for.
Until next time, be blessed.

(01:03:10):
Thank you for joining us on Kingdom Now.
I pray that it is proven to be a blessing in your life offering an on time word for you.
To learn more about this work, ask a question, submit feedback, advertise with us, order
suggested items, be a guest or donate to support this work as our podcast is supported by

(01:03:36):
people like you.
Visit my website which contains essential information, projects and other points of
contact around the web at kingdompowernow.org.
Also if you would like to visit Sanctuary International Fellowship Tabernacle, sift in one of our

(01:03:57):
North Carolina or South Carolina locations, check out welcomeinthisplace.org.
Until next time, this is Dr. Lee Ann Marino reminding you that the Kingdom of God is within you and
that means the Kingdom is now.
(dramatic music)

(01:04:22):
[music fades out]





(01:04:47):






(01:05:10):